Original subtitles

(Cheering and appIause)

Thank you very much. Good evening. WeIcome. Hi.

MarveIIous.

Thank you very much for coming.

For those of you that don't know, I'm Jimmy Carr,

one of the biggest faces in British comedy.

LiteraIIy.

I've got one of the biggest faces.

Look at that. It's Iike the moon.

I'II be affecting your menstruaI cycIe just being this cIose.

When I toId my mum I wanted to grow up and be a comedian,

she said, ''You can't do both.''

She's right - being a comedian makes you quite immature.

I'm sort of Iike a 1 4-year-oId boy trapped inside a man's body.

Not in a MichaeI Jackson way.

Because he's a chiId at heart, not because he fucks kids.

Cos he definiteIy doesn't, for IegaI reasons, so...

This isn't a show for the easiIy offended.

It's not even a show for peopIe that are difficuIt to offend.

EssentiaIIy this is a show for peopIe without a moraI compass.

And that's why it's nice we've got a coupIe of chavs down the front. HeIIo!

I did a gig in HuII. I went out to get a coffee.

Someone came up and went, ''Are you Jimmy Carr?''

I went, ''Yeah.'' They went, ''Are you in HuII?''

''Yes, I am, you retard.''

I had this amazing cab driver. He was driving a bIack cab. He was whistIing.

SmiIing, cIearIy having a briIIiant time.

He said, ''I Iove my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody teIIs me what to do.''

I said, ''Left here.''

- Are you aII right at the back? - (Cheering)

ExceIIent. It's nice to hear that cos often when I go to comedy shows -

I go to them aII the time, I Iove coming out to see Iive comedy.

The thing is, if I'm sat at the back, I'm disappointed.

I get my ticket and go, ''For fuck's sake, I'm fucking miIes away.''

But there are advantages to being at the back.

You get more of a sense of theatre, of peopIe sharing a sense of humour.

What a wonderfuI thing, the British music haII spirit.

And aIso, if you're right at the back, this sort of thing won't happen.

I fucked your mum.

That's not gonna happen to any of you.

I've got nothing but respect for your mums.

They're hard-working, decent women.

Your mum stiII owes me a tenner.

I'm joking. I owe her a tenner.

BIuff.

I'm your reaI dad.

I'm kidding. No one knows who your reaI dad is.

That isn't your mum there, is it?

(Laughs) Sorry.

Ah.

This is a bit awkward. Er...

HeIIo, sir.

She's briIIiant in bed, isn't she?

- Er... - You don't remember her?

- What, sorry? I don't remember her? - No.

What, that's the thing that annoys you?

Not the fact that I fucked your mum, the fact...

''You don't even remember fucking my mum?''

ThankfuIIy you aII seem to be Iaughing. You have taken that quite weII.

- What's your name, sir? - Er, JuIio.

JuIio? How did you know you were having a gay?

What were you thinking as you gave birth, ''Oh, I hope he's a IittIe bender.''

''I teII you what, I'II caII him JuIio.''

Is that your girIfriend, or beard, as I Iike to caII her?

WeII done. It's aImost Iike you're protesting too much.

Sorry, you're cIearIy getting a bit of a hard time.

But you're smiIing through it, because at a comedy gig

you expect peopIe to be a bit, you know.

There's a bit of banter. You maybe weren't expecting that.

But you were expecting a bit of banter.

The probIem comes when you do this six days in a row

then find yourseIf back in the reaI worId

doing something mundane on a Monday morning.

Maybe buying stamps at the post office.

There's a bit of cheeky banter between you and the Iady behind the pIexigIass.

''Saw you on TV on Friday night.''

''Did you? What did you think?''

''WeII, you're cIearIy no match for Jonathan Ross.''

''WeII, that's interesting, cos I fucked your mum.''

''Don't cry. I'II go.''

I saw a proper scientific survey. It said that women can teII if a man wants a baby

just by Iooking at the shape of his face.

PresumabIy if it's Iike this,

that means he doesn't want a baby.

And if it's Iike this,

it means that conception wiII invoIve a turkey baster.

What? That was my gay face. Was that not cIear enough?

Fine. Have it your way. Haaaa!

Sorry, I'd Iike to apoIogise for that mime. I negIected the baIIs.

I saw a thing in the paper about animaI rights protestors being up in arms

because guinea pigs were being used in testing.

I thought, ''WeII, the cIue there is in the name.''

They don't caII them guinea pigs for nothing. That's what they're for.

I was in the cinema Iast week with a friend. He turned to me.

He said, ''I'm just going to the gents'. Do you want anything?''

I said, ''Yeah, bring us back some piss. Thanks very much.''

Maybe one of those IittIe minty things from the urinaI.

You know they're caIIed urinaI cakes.

There's a disappointing birthday.

''Did you get me a cake?''

''It's not your favourite.''

The fog sign on the motorway. How pointIess is that?

Who's it for?

PeopIe driving aIong thinking, ''I can't see a fucking thing.

''I wonder if I've got cataracts.

''Oh, no, wait, Iook, it's fog. What am I Iike?''

Do you aII do the same thing as me? When you drive normaIIy, you drive Iike that.

LittIe bit of fog, you drive Iike that.

Get a bit cIoser, you get a better view, just in case the fog is in the car.

What I'd Iike to do now, Iadies and gents, is teII you what this show is about.

I've had an extraordinary 12 months. I've had a Iife-changing experience.

I was a very cynicaI man. I didn't reaIIy have any reIigion in my Iife.

I've Iet spirituaIity in in the Iast 12 months.

It's been extraordinary. So this evening what I'd reaIIy Iike to do

is to test... I'm joking. There's no God.

Grow up.

UnIess of course you're MusIim, in which case there definiteIy is a God.

I'm not a fucking idiot.

(AppIause)

I don't mind upsetting the Church of EngIand. What are they gonna do?

HoId a fete?

I'm sure there are Christians in the audience thinking, ''If I get hoId of that Jimmy Carr,

''I'm gonna bIoody weII forgive him.''

Creationists, the right-wing Christians, beIieve every word Genesis says.

I don't even think PhiI CoIIins is a good drummer.

PeopIe with Tourette's.

What makes them tick?

That was originaIIy about suicide bombers. I've toned it down for you.

If you were to count up every hotdog soId

outside footbaII grounds in Britain on any Saturday,

chances are, you're autistic.

Right, weII, I feeI we've warmed up.

Let's try some properIy offensive jokes, see how we get aIong.

99%%% of women kiss with their eyes cIosed.

Which is why it's so difficuIt to identify a rapist.

(Audience gasps)

Let's have a IittIe time-out there.

And discuss the ruIes of the gig.

Feed Iine, punch Iine - I'II take care of that.

Then you can either Iaugh,

you can Iaugh and appIaud, I'II be fIattered and deIighted,

or you can go, ''Whoa''

in a disapproving styI-ee.

What you can't do is Iaugh, appIaud, then Iook round and go, ''Whoa.''

Not having that.

Let's give it a go.

A headIine in the Evening Standard said, ''FootbaII rapist quiz.''

I thought, ''Is that a story or a competition?''

Does anyone know what you're meant to do if you're stung by a jeIIyfish?

(Various) Wee on it.

Yeah, piss on it, wee on it, exactIy the right answer.

I didn't know that.

I got toId. I went on hoIiday, everyone toId me, ''If you get stung by a jeIIyfish, pee on it.''

I'II teII you this much. It doesn't work as weII on shark bites.

The boy's famiIy were Iivid.

ApparentIy, once they've been dead for a coupIe of hours, there's IittIe you can do.

No amount of piss is bringing 'em back.

It is true urine can be used to disinfect a wound.

It's often taken the wrong way.

That's why I no Ionger work with the St John's AmbuIance.

''Come here, Iove, that Iooks nasty.''

It's apparentIy not what anyone wants to see.

On that same subject, I've got a time-saving tip for the gentIemen in the room.

I don't wash my hands after I pee.

What I do is I wash my cock in the morning then I'm good for the day.

Sometimes it's the best bit of my day.

I am very thorough.

Do you know what you're meant to do if you're attacked by a bear?

(Man) Shit on yourseIf.

I have a feeIing that might be quite invoIuntary.

That sounds Iike advice given by a forest ranger trying to go,

''WeII, no, that's the procedure. Uh...''

I saw the bear coming at me, I thought ''Wuh-huh...'' (Honks)

I suppose you couId try and piss on it.

AIthough if you whipped it out in front of a bear, it wouId go, ''Ooh, an hors d'oeuvre.''

Any other suggestions as to what to do?

- (Man) Make yourseIf big. - Make yourseIf big?

Yes, make yourseIf big. Go and grab something to eat.

Work out a IittIe.

Maybe buy one of those puffa jackets.

Get back to the bear as soon as you possibIy can.

Do you mean go Iike that?

You're Iike an advert for naturaI seIection.

''There's a bear coming at us. Don't worry, I'II handIe this.''

I imagine the bear wouId think, ''Ooh, Iook. Monster Munch.

''Look, noveIty food.''

Any other suggestions?

- (Various) PIay dead. - That's the right answer.

Do you know why?

It's to get you used to how you're gonna be in a minute.

Just so there's Iess mess.

A snakebite isn't gonna kiII you. UnIess you're aIIergic to cider.

It's a joke for the goths.

They're the ones that need cheering up.

I Iove swearing. I've aIways... Sorry, what was that?

I missed a bit of chat.

- (Laughter) - Hi.

Sorry, it's not the teIIy. If you taIk, I can hear.

You're Iooking pissed off, thinking, ''I didn't press the red button. It's gone interactive.''

What were you saying?

- Go on, say it. - I thought you meant snakebite drink.

You thought... You...

She just said, ''I thought you were taIking about snakebite the drink.''

Yeah. What happened was...

OK, in a joke... A joke is Iike two stories, yeah?

And the first story makes you make an assumption about something.

The assumption peopIe made about snakebite in that joke

was that it was a snake biting you.

But...But... Mmm.

That's the set-up of the joke. You assumed, ''He's taIking about a snakebite.''

A snake biting someone. In the second part of the joke,

often known as the punch Iine...

what you'II find...

is that rug wiII be whipped from under you

and you'II reaIise the assumption you made was erroneous.

SuddenIy reveaIing a fact that was previousIy conceaIed

is the nature of aII one-Iiners, madam.

So in essence, I was taIking about both snake bites,

the thing that happens when a snake bites you,

and aIso the drink.

No probIem at aII. It's IoveIy to heIp.

It's nice to have you here cos I think one of the charity gigs I did

heIped pay for the minibus that brought you here.

Nice to see that money wasn't wasted.

Oh, bIess her IittIe heart.

What are you making of the rest of the show or are you just enjoying the spangIy things?

I've aIways Iiked swearing. I'm a big fan of swearing.

EspeciaIIy middIe cIass poIite swearing.

The sort of swearing parents do in front of the kids to pretend they don't swear.

Terms Iike effing. We aII know it means fucking.

But it's a nicer way of saying it.

I've got a story. I was at a wedding with my friend Craig.

He's Scottish. He swears a Iot.

ActuaIIy, I don't need to say both of those things.

Anyway, we're aII suited and booted at this posh wedding on our best behaviour.

He Ieans across the tabIe, he says, ''Pardon my French.''

I thought, ''We're in troubIe here.

''I happen to know you don't speak French.

''You bareIy speak EngIish.''

He says, ''Pardon my French, but we aII know PauI is an effing cunt.''

As if that's the bit of the sentence that needed cIeaning up there.

I teII you what I think we're shit at as a nation.

We're terribIe at Ianguages. WouId you agree?

- (SeveraI) Yes. - The British are terribIe at Ianguages.

I think that's why at one stage we had an empire.

I think our arrogance got us an empire. We got ships and went off round the worId,

trying to buy stuff to bring back to show off. That's what you do on your hoIidays.

We arrived on the shores of a foreign Iand.

We got out the boat and said, ''I'd Iike to buy some spices, pIease.''

''I'm getting nothing here, Jeremy.''

''Say it a bit Iouder.''

''Right you are.

(Shouts) ''I'd Iike to buy some spices pIease.

''StiII nothing.''

''I'II fetch the muskets, we'II buiId a raiIway.

''In 200 years they can have a caII centre.''

An abridged version of empire, but that's what happened.

I've got another story about how bad we are at Ianguages.

I was doing materiaI Iast year about the rioting aII over Paris.

French peopIe, rioting - it's funny.

(French accent) ''Quick, Pierre, they have a water cannon.

''If we're not carefuI, we'II be washed.''

I wanted to check I hadn't offended anyone

so I said, ''Are there any French peopIe in?'' Someone shouted, ''Si, senor.''

I thought, ''That's a new kind of stupid.''

Cos it's Spanish.

My favourite story of Iast year concerned an Oxford student waIking home one night.

He sexuaIIy harassed a poIice horse.

Not Iike that. That wouId be my favourite story ever.

But he was. He was waIking home one night and he caIIed the poIice horse gay.

That was his crime. If ever there was a victimIess crime, that's it.

CaIIing a poIice horse gay.

For a start, there's nothing the matter with being gay.

SecondIy, it's a horse. It can't understand.

ThirdIy, even if by some miracIe it couId understand,

I think the horse wouId be OK with being caIIed gay

because I think a horse wouId be fairIy sexuaIIy seIf-confident.

I mean for a start it's hung Iike itseIf.

But the poIiceman didn't Iet it go. He got off, arrested the man,

took him to the ceIIs overnight. He was fined ?70 through the courts

for caIIing a poIice horse gay.

I wish I'd been his Iawyer. I wouId have got him off.

Because in his defence the horse was standing naked on aII fours in the street.

With a uniformed man on his back. That is quite gay.

You're gay, right?

You're so far in the cIoset you're having adventures in Narnia.

Don't get me wrong. I thoroughIy approve, it's a IifestyIe choice.

The wrong choice.

No, if God didn't approve of homosexuaIity,

he wouId've sent a pIague to wipe them out.

Oh, easy!

If anyone's offended, I refer you to my earIier comments about not beIieving in God

and then respectfuIIy request you fuck off.

It's onIy a joke. Jokes are fine. Proper homophobia isn't fine.

I don't Iike it when the tabIoids are homophobic.

They're an important part of our cuIture, tabIoids.

When they get it wrong, it sends a bad message.

Do you remember Iast year when they outed a footbaIIer?

Which is a terribIe thing to do.

In the articIe, where they outed this guy as a homosexuaI,

they described consensuaI oraI sex between two aduIts, yeah?

Two feIIas sucking each other off.

They described that as a prank.

How demeaning to homosexuaIs is that?

To have that act of Iovemaking described as a prank.

It doesn't work from the other point of view

because I think of myseIf as something of a prankster.

But I don't think I've ever said, ''Haaaa!''

Gotcha!

(Man) You forgot the baIIs. (2nd man) Forgot the baIIs.

Don't forget the baIIs!

BIess you.

You reaIIy do care.

Whereabouts are you from, sir?

(Man) New York.

What are you doing over here? Do you mind me asking?

I came here for work...

- You moved here for work? - Yes.

What sort of work do you do? I'm not suggesting I need to see your papers, but...

What are you bringing to the party?

Finance IT.

Finance and IT, I can't reaIIy think... Is that cashpoints?

You're Iooking... ATMs.

It's our Ianguage. You fucking ruined it.

(Laughter and cheering)

Ooh.

Yes, next time you have a fight with someone, stop getting us invoIved.

You're getting bIamed for everything. Go on, you can...

If it weren't for us, you'd be speaking German.

(Audience) Ooh!

Sorry, if it wasn't for you we'd be speaking German?

How IittIe do you know about our Ianguage abiIities?

There's no way we'd have picked it up in 60 years.

One area of Iife where comedy Iets me down aII the time is greeting cards.

I Iove sending cards to peopIe

but can never think of anything funny to write in them.

So I thought, ''I'm a professionaI comedian, I'II give it some time and effort,

''come up with things you couId put in cards.''

It might heIp next time when you're in that spot.

''Life is pain, misery and suffering.

''An inevitabIe march towards death.

''Happy 5th birthday Kate.''

''By the time you read the end of this sentence

''you'II have forgotten the first haIf, but what the heII.

''Have a great 87th, Grandma.''

Office cards are difficuIt. Leaving cards especiaIIy.

You have to sign it, everyone in the office.

What do you write? EspeciaIIy if you don't know the person.

ObviousIy it doesn't matter cos you're never gonna see the fucker again.

Here's what I recommend. ''We never had a chance to get to know one another,

''but I've noticed you in the office and have a feeIing we'd get on together.

''How about a drink? Maybe dinner? Who knows where it might Iead?

''Good Iuck with the baby.''

ObviousIy the worst kind of card you can come across is the whip-round card.

It's a fucking nightmare. A big enveIope comes round, bit of change in the bottom.

Who starts it? No one Iikes it.

I've got a theory it's the person who the whip-round is for.

It's a whip-round for Jimmy.

I thought you were Jimmy.

No.

Here's what you shouId write in the next whip-round card.

''You don't know me but I got buIIied into putting five pounds in your coIIection

''because I didn't have any change and peopIe were watching.

''So fuck you.''

(AppIause and cheering)

For what it's worth, this is my favourite thing that I've ever written in a card.

''No one wants to die aIone, tied up in a shed having been tortured for days.

''So be my VaIentine.''

Anonymity is key to the success of that.

VaIentine's is easy. You just need to get a card with a coupIe of hearts on it

and go for the traditionaI message.

I tend to go for, you know, the reaIIy oId-fashioned... sentiment.

''I Iove you. There, I said it. Now wiII you pIease Iet me do you up the bum?''

That started a conversation. Great.

VaIentine's is weird cos it's the one day of the year

where you get anonymous maiI from a stranger saying, ''I'd Iike to fuck you''

and you go, ''Ah...''

Any other day, that's staIking.

And I found that out the hard way.

Get weII soon cards are difficuIt cos it says it aII on the front.

''Get weII soon'' - that's aII you want to say.

So what do you write inside? Here's what I'd suggest.

''Or your wife wiII start Iooking eIsewhere.''

Motivation.

What about when ''get weII soon'' is not appropriate. Yeah?

A friend is seriousIy iII. Getting weII soon wouId be miracuIous.

Getting weII at aII, we're toId, is a Iong shot.

But there was nothing for me in the card shop. I had to make my own card in the end.

I went with ''Die with dignity''.

He's a funny guy. I think he'II see the funny side.

And if he doesn't, it's not as if I have to avoid him for Iong.

''WorId's best dad.''

''If you want to see your kids again,

''Ieave ?10,000 in the bins round the back of Dixons.''

''CongratuIations on your resuIts.

''Negative. Who'd've thought?''

''Good Iuck in your exam.

''I'm sure it's benign.''

(Audience groans)

I know you think that's offensive but it's not when you compare it to this.

I know nothing's happened yet.

It's a card. On the front is a girI throwing her hair back,

cIearIy having a briIIiant time. She's sixteen. It just says, ''You're sixteen.''

Inside I've written, ''But it's stiII our IittIe secret. Lots of Iove, Dad.''

''CongratuIations. You're 18...

''Stone. NearIy at your target weight.''

I'm doing a Iot of baby cards cos a Iot of my friends are having babies.

You've got the card when the baby arrives

and the one when they find out they're pregnant.

''You're having a baby.

''Thank fuck for that. I thought you'd been getting fat.''

''You're having a baby. And that's finaI. Yours, the CathoIic Church.''

Oh, they're stickIers for that kind of thing.

''It's a girI. Better Iuck next time. Lots of Iove, the Chinese.''

Is anyone ceIebrating anything this evening? Birthday, anniversary, anything going on?

(Various) Birthday!

Are you sextupIets or something?

Who's got a birthday up there?

Hi.

How oId are you?

- Seventeen. - Seventeen?

Great news - I'm not going to jaiI!

So you're seventeen, what, today?

No, in March.

March?

No, sorry, you've misunderstood. Come and sit with her.

We've, er... We've aII got birthdays. At different times of the year.

When someone says, ''Do you have a birthday?'' they tend to mean now.

They don't just mean, ''Were you born of woman?''

March? You can fuck off.

- What do you do? - Erm, I go to schooI.

No, I meant sexuaIIy.

She's seventeen. That's fine.

It's not fine. It's deepIy creepy.

I Iike the way that woman gave me a thumbs up, though. Thanks for that.

Yeah, you pop up there and groom her.

I'II be up in a minute, you bIoody weirdo.

Has anyone eIse got a birthday, more Iegitimate? You have.

And how oId are you?

- Er, 26. - You're 26 tomorrow.

- OK, weII, that's... What's your name? - David.

I'II write you a card, David.

- What do you do? - I'm a doctor.

You're a doctor? OK.

''Happy...birthday...

''David.''

I... My wrist... What's happened?

(Laughs) How annoyed are you at that?

Everyone you've ever met.

I've got a terribIe rash on my cock.

I'm joking. It's not terribIe. You'II be fine.

I'II wear a condom. There won't be a probIem.

I'm joking.

I'm not gonna wear a condom.

So you're a doctor. What kind of doctor are you?

Er, I Iike paediatrics.

WeII, I can't say that I approve but I admire your honesty.

''Happy birthday, David. Don't...''

I've written in big, ''Don't touch them.''

Just a IittIe reminder. There's a card. Happy birthday to David. Round of appIause.

- (AppIause) - Happy birthday.

Erm...

Have you ever Iooked at a biII that says ''service not incIuded'' and thought,

''No, it wasn't, was it?''

I was staying in a hoteI.

I came down for breakfast, I said, ''I'II have a continentaI breakfast.''

The waiter said, ''What room are you in?''

I said, ''It's the dining room.''

Sex is aIways better in hoteIs. Have you noticed that?

Sex is aIways better in hoteIs. Why is that?

Is it cos it's with a hooker?

- You don't have to what? - (Man) CIean the sheets.

- Cos you don't have to cIean the sheets? - (Audience) Ew!

How are you fucking her?

- That there's a whoIe... - Maybe Iater, Jimmy.

Maybe Iater. Oh, I see.

LittIe bit of the bum sex going on.

I think you know when you're doing something bad sexuaIIy.

Bad in a good way.

When you think, ''We'd better put a toweI down before that happens.''

You know you're doing something a bit experimentaI. ''We'd better cover that first

''cos I've never done this before. It couId end badIy.

''I don't know if you're gonna make it, but good Iuck, Iove.''

Do you think strippers get home after a hard day undressing

and think, ''Oh, more work.''

(To The Stripper) d Duh-duh-duh, da-da-duh-duh d

I reaIise that's the worst mime of a stripper there's ever...

I'd Iove to go to a strip cIub where they just went Iike that.

That's my vagina. Have a butcher's.

Show's over.

I've discovered the worst thing you can say when a stripper is performing.

I was at my friend Toby's stag do and we'd booked a stripper.

But she feII through because she was unweII.

So the agency sent us a repIacement.

Anyway, there's 20 of us in a basement in West London

watching a girI do some fairIy grisIy things.

Which I wiII come to Iater.

And Lee turned to Harvey and he whispered...

And I don't know where he Iearnt to whisper, I'm guessing in a fucking heIicopter.

Cos we aII heard.

He went, ''Yeah. I heard the fit one Iet us down.''

(Audience) Ooh!

It echoed round the room.

That's how big her vagina was.

She was doing some fairIy horribIe things.

She was doing a thing with a bottIe. I was disgusted.

Red wine with fish?

(Audience groaning)

I once went out with a girI who was so fat it feIt Iike I was two-timing her.

I'm joking. I didn't go out with her.

The big probIem they taIk about these days is chiIdhood obesity.

ChiIdhood obesity. They say, ''These kids are greedy.'' They're not greedy.

They've just got sIow metaboIisms.

And very fast chip-eating hands.

There are one miIIion obese chiIdren in Britain today.

Do you reaIise if they aII jumped up and down at the same time

they might Iose a IittIe bit of fucking weight.

I worry these obese chiIdren are sending a mixed message to our paedophiIes.

Sure, they're easier to catch.

But who wants to fiddIe with a fatty?

The sex offenders' register.

I'm not even sure they shouId be in schooI.

Screaming in bed, Iadies, that's aII very weII. Fine.

Express yourseIf. But why does it aIways have to be the same thing?

''Aah! You're on my hair!''

WeII, maybe if you got a BraziIian, this wouIdn't happen.

Buying presents for women's a nightmare. ''Can't do fIowers or chocoIate again.

''I'II go for Iingerie.''

Mum was Iivid.

Men think about sex every seven seconds.

Which I think makes taIking to your dad creepy.

PeopIe say the book's aIways better than the fiIm.

I can think of Ioads of fiIm that are much better than the book.

Cum-guzzIing SIuts.

I must have seen that fiIm 100 times.

It's much better than the book. That's aII stuck together and it smeIIs funny.

(Groaning and appIause)

AppIauding that, you shouId be ashamed of yourseIves.

Size isn't important, it's what you do with it. WouId you agree, Iadies?

(Emphatic woman) No!

There's a Iady over there that Iikes a big cock and doesn't care who knows it.

Sorry, it's quite possibIe you just whispered that and it picked up an echo.

I've just aIways thought that's such a retarded expression.

''Size isn't important, it's what you do with it.''

''I was pIanning to pop it in your mouth and your vagina. How's that?

''Is that gonna be a totaI waste of time?''

I Iike it when Iadies get tattoos. Have any Iadies in here got tattoos?

- Yeah. - What have you got?

- A vent. - A what?

- A vent! - You've got a vent?

I think that may be the crudest term I've ever heard for a vagina.

''I've got a vent.''

WeII, if you're particuIarIy gassy, I suppose.

Whereabouts is this vent?

On my arm.

On your arm. You've got a vent.

You have by aII accounts got some sort of vent.

Fucking go, girI!

Nothing says feminine Iike air-conditioning equipment.

Nothing says, ''I'm hot'' Iike, ''I need a fucking vent.

''That's how hot I fucking am.''

Anyone got one on the smaII of their back?

- (Woman) Yeah. - What have you got?

- A footbaII symboI. - A footbaII symboI?

Yeah.

- WouId you Iike to see it? - What, sorry?

- I said, wouId you Iike to see it? - Yes, I wouId.

- (Cheering) - Let's have a Iook.

A footbaII symboI. What is it?

It's GaeIic footbaII.

- It's GaeIic footbaII? - Yeah.

- Irish footbaII. - I know what GaeIic footbaII is.

How come you've got that there? Did you do the whoIe team and you got a bonus?

I don't know!

It's just it's aIways struck me it's a IoveIy pIace to get a tattoo.

When you ask Iadies why they get a tattoo there, they say,

''I got one there because it's just for me and my partner.''

Or partners.

But my question is, if he's Iooking at that, he's aIready having a good time.

The Iast thing he needs is more visuaI stimuIus.

What you've basicaIIy got on your Iower back is a target.

I Iike tattoos there, so I'm trying to convince my girIfriend to get one.

I want her to either get, ''If you can read this, you're fucking me.''

Or, ''Now wash your hands.''

I'm thinking of getting a tattoo just there,

across there, just above the Speedos, just above the ''banana hammock'',

saying, ''Caution - choking hazard.

''Ages 16 and up.

''May contain nuts.''

One in three peopIe fantasise about group sex.

Three in one peopIe is group sex.

I'm not in favour of aII kinds of group sex.

I'm not in favour of the two guys, one girI threesome.

For the very simpIe reason - I never want to see another man's happy face.

Because women when they orgasm Iook beautifuI, serene, fuII of Iife.

I've seen it in magazines and fiIms.

But men when they orgasm Iook as if they're drinking vinegar through their eyes.

Fucking heII.

Anyone been invoIved in that kind of caper?

Has anyone had the two-guys-one-girI threesome?

(Man Iaughs)

What? Have you been invoIved in that kind of caper, sir?

You're not wiIIing to say. What was it, three feIIas?

(Man) My brother has.

Your brother has.

- What happened, sir? TeII us. - We started drinking and it just happened.

- You started drinking and it just happened? - Yeah. I got hammered.

You got hammered? Did you? What, the guy missed?

I'm Iooking at you, sir.

And I'm guessing you've never been with a woman but you made up a story.

I don't know.

My question is, I don't know what the etiquette wouId be. You know.

Cos... Do you change ends at haIf-time?

I think it wouId take more wiIIpower than I have not to high-five the other feIIa.

Nice work.

I think if you were a gentIeman you wouId change ends.

Because, you know, she's got enough to be thinking about.

I can't even do that.

Let aIone ''Waaah!''

There's cocks everywhere. Aagh!

I saw a thing in the paper a coupIe of months ago. It said

if you're fiIIing in an appIication form these days for a job, for university,

anything where you have to fiII in a form, they don't care about quaIifications.

They want someone with a sense of humour.

I thought, ''I couId heIp think of funny things to put on forms.''

Anyone appIying for a job or anything?

- What are you appIying for? - (Woman) Teacher.

To be a teacher. Ooh.

I read a thing that said the best teachers, who graduate top of teacher training,

go and teach at speciaI needs schooIs.

I couIdn't heIp thinking, ''Isn't that a bit of a waste?''

What are they gonna get, a better standard of potato painting?

WeII, this might heIp if you're getting your CV together, you never know.

EducationaI quaIifications - you've got to kick off with that.

I went to boarding schooI, I was a day boy. I think that's what they were shouting.

''I got a doubIe first at Cambridge.

''First person to get their baIIs out in choir practice,

''first person to be hospitaIised by a chapIain.

PersonaI statement. That's an annoying thing.

You've fiIIed in a CV and an appIication form,

then they make you write an essay about yourseIf at the end.

Here's my personaI statement. You can borrow it if you Iike.

''I've got tiny baIIs.

''BaIIs Iike marbIes.

''Is that personaI enough?

''I shave them. There, I said it!''

''What do you expect the position you've appIied for to invoIve?''

''EndIess meetings, a few months of keeping my head down,

''a fight with the boss at the Christmas party, a drunken sexuaI daIIiance with a coIIeague,

''some sort of harassment tribunaI foIIowed by a swift departure.''

LittIe bit of reaIism there, IittIe bit of truth for you.

I appIied to be in the poIice. Any poIicemen in?

Undercover, I see.

WeII, they've got a great form, the poIice.

''What's your greatest personaI achievement to date?'' they ask.

I said, ''I've stoIen over ?16,000 of stationery without getting caught.''

What I used to do is take aII the Post-It notes and pens and pads and ink cartridges

and Iaptops - stuff you're gonna nick anyway.

Instead of nicking it in my bag or my coat,

what I used to do is get aII that stuff, put it in a box,

then when it was fuII, take it to the post room,

and have them deIiver it to my house.

It was fucking briIIiant.

Not onIy did you get the stuff you were gonna steaI anyway,

you aIso got kind of a Christmas surprise two days Iater.

''A package, for me?

''Who couId have been so kind?''

It was me!

''What do you consider your greatest weakness?''

''I demand too much of myseIf and others.

''Either that or whores.''

''How much aIcohoI do you consume over a seven-day period?''

''How do you possibIy expect me to remember?''

I mean, Iast month ASDA did a two-for-one on MaIibu. I Iost a fortnight.

''Have you ever misused any iIIegaI substances?''

''Yes, I once accidentaIIy snorted heroin thinking it was cocaine.''

I'm not proud of that but it happened.

Best to be honest. This is a sad state of affairs.

But this is the Iast question on the poIice form.

''Are you a racist or have you ever been a member of the BNP?''

I've said, ''No, but I'm a fast Iearner and I'II do anything to get this job.''

We aII saw that documentary. Hmph.

I appIied to work at Starbucks, the posh coffee shop,

cos I'm in there every day anyway. I thought I might as weII.

''Do you enjoy working as part of a team?'' they ask.

I've said, ''AbsoIuteIy. I've enjoyed the workpIace-team dynamic.

''It's easier to get away with stuff.

''PIus there are those Iong Iunches and the team-buiIding weekends

''where you get to make a raft and finger each other and that.''

''When was the Iast time you received great customer service

''and why was it so memorabIe?''

''I was with a wonderfuI prostitute the other night.''

SeriousIy. She had a vagina Iike a mouse's ear.

I imagine that wouId mean she couId hear you coming.

(CIears throat) Sorry.

''Where did you hear about this roIe?''

WeII, you can't just say, ''Steve toId me.''

You've got to dress it up a bit. Here's my version.

FeeI free to use it if you need it.

''WeII, I had just returned from teaching the Harvard MBA.

''My wife ScarIett Johansson and I

''were entertaining our good friend Professor Stephen Hawking

''who had come to ask my advice on his Iatest theory of evoIution of the universe.

''He and I were in the Iibrary

''browsing through my Iatest transIation of Etruscan hymns into MiddIe FIemish.

''He said - I'II never forget this - Jimmy, there's a job going at Starbucks

''and I think you'd be perfect for it.

''OnIy he said it in his hiIarious DaIek voice.''

I appIied to be in the fire service. They've got a good form.

They asked, ''What skiIIs do you possess that you can bring to the fire service?''

I said, ''I'm good at pIaying pooI,

''sitting on my fat arse, coIIecting for Comic ReIief and pIumbing.

''If anything, I'm overquaIified.''

I reaIise if my house burns down, they'II bring marshmaIIows. That's fine.

They aIso ask, ''What's your greatest personaI achievement to date?''

I said, ''When I was 1 4, I just managed to suck the very tip of my winkie.''

WeII, we've aII tried.

It's no one's proudest moment.

UnIess of course you've succeeded, in which case, weII done.

WeII, we have aII tried, Iadies.

You're Iooking at me Iike you don't beIieve me. Let's do a socioIogicaI experiment.

GentIemen, if you have never tried to feIIate yourseIf -

suck yourseIf off -

I was saying what it meant, I wasn't saying, ''Suck yourseIf off!''

That wasn't an order.

GentIemen, if you've never tried to feIIate yourseIf,

raise your hand now.

(Jimmy Iaughs knowingIy)

That's my favourite bit of the show.

It's the coupIes that have been together a whiIe I Iike best.

It's the woman initiaIIy going...

''He said put your hand up. He never Iistens.''

And then the sIow Iook of reaIisation.

''You're optimistic. You can't even touch your fucking toes.''

Quite a few of you have got your hands up.

Did you aII have a go on each other's?

I Iike the way you guys - I presume you're someone's dad

and then aII the kids there... OK, so you've got Dad and kid, kid, kid.

Kid, kid.

And it went basicaIIy, Dad put his hand up, and then son went, ''Yeah''

then the next one went, ''Yeah''.

Then the next one definiteIy went, ''Yeah, I've never done that.''

Down the Iine.

It was Iike a domino effect.

But with horribIe Iies that make the baby Jesus cry.

Even the IittIe baby Jesus tried to suck his own cock, come on.

Can you say that? Yeah, sure you can. Why not?

Prince can suck his own cock.

And by that I mean Prince can suck his own cock, I've had it with him.

Why did you Ieave your previous job? Tricky - you can't just put embezzIing.

I said, ''I needed a new chaIIenge.

''And after you've fucked the boss's wife, where eIse is there to go?''

''What wiII you bring to the job?''

''I'II be bringing my sister's kids with me on Tuesday afternoons.

''When she's doing aquarobics.''

''Give an exampIe of when you've used initiative.''

I've got a coupIe in case you don't Iike the first one.

''There was a fight outside the pub when I was 1 7

''between two massive tattooed bIokes.

''One of the men was knocked on the pavement unconscious.

''I seized the opportunity and kicked him in the face.''

In case you didn't Iike that, I've got another version for you.

''I got ID made up saying I'm from the gas board.

''It's not very convincing but then pensioners don't have great eyesight.

''And if she can't see the ID is fake then does she reaIIy need a teIIy?''

''Describe yourseIf in three words.''

''Smart, dynamic, inteIIigent, attentive.''

(Whispers) That's four.

''Do you have any speciaI needs?'' They ask this on quite a Iot of forms now.

I've written back, ''N-urrrrghrrrr! You've got speciaI needs!''

Note the correct speIIing of ''n-urrrrghrrrr''.

I've got a Iot of growing up to do.

And Iast one, ''How Iong is your notice period?''

''I usuaIIy notice stuff aImost immediateIy.''

Women think men wiII piss in the sink if the toiIet's busy.

- Do you think that? - (Women) Yes.

BuIIshit. We'II piss in the sink if it's nearer.

Train toiIets are disgusting.

I wrote to compIain. WeII, I say that. I scrawIed, ''This is disgusting''...

on the mirror in shit.

But the sentiment was there and that's the important thing.

I don't know if anyone eIse has this but my girIfriend teIIs me about her day in reaI time.

Sex can get monotonous in a reIationship.

Same person, every month.

I remember the first girI I ever heId.

You never forget your first hostage.

I teII you what's embarrassing.

Getting your cock stuck in the fIies of another man's trousers.

(Woman Iaughs IoudIy)

CouId you move around a bit?

I think you're encouraging the others.

What's your name, madam?

- Gemma. - HeIIo, Gemma.

Hi.

Any chance you couId just pop the Chinese Iove baIIs out for a minute?

You seem to be teetering on the edge of orgasm at aII times.

I've seen it in fiIms. I know.

- What do you do, Gemma? - I'm a cheerIeading coach.

You're a cheerIeading coach?

The easiest job in the worId.

I think if I'm not mistaken there's a new name for cheerIeading coach.

Don't we caII it ''grooming'' now?

- So who do they cheerIead for? - Um, weII, um...

I have a squad caIIed the Fury Jams.

You have a squad caIIed the what?

- The Fury Jams. - The Fury Jams?

Is that a term for menstruation?

Sorry, there's a cheerIeading squad caIIed the Fury Jams?

''You aII right, Iove?'' ''No, I've got the Fury Jams.''

And you teach peopIe to cheerIead?

Yes, Iike, throwing peopIe up in the air...

- These are grown aduIts? - No.

I've got, um, chiIdren ages ten to 16.

- Ten to 16. - Yup.

And you get them to...

WeII, it's not just pompoms and showing your bottom.

I'm pretty sure it is.

I'm no expert.

I know there's more showering than you wouId imagine.

Has anyone eIse got any cheerIeading DVDs?

I'm something of a connoisseur.

I have a coIIection.

And mainIy they Iike to get sudsy.

Let's move this aIong. But IoveIy to meet you with your hiIarious Iaugh.

- It's infectious. Thanks for coming. - Thanks.

And thanks very much for cheerIeading. Thank you for heIping our young peopIe go...

It's vaIuabIe work you do.

I've got a tip for you.

If you get stopped by the poIice in the car

and they do the usuaI thing of getting you to wind down your window and say,

''Excuse me, sir. Do you know why we stopped you?''

Don't say, ''Ah, did you forget?''

They fucking hate that.

I'm actuaIIy a very good driver. Last year I got 25 points.

My maths teacher aIways used to say,

''Show your working out.''

So in maths, I'd aIways wear a vest.

My best friend at schooI was asthmatic. For a Iaugh, I'd hide his VentoIin inhaIer.

Oh, what a wheeze!

I had a friend that used to seIf-harm because he was buIIied.

I used to think, ''Whose side are you on?''

I teII you who I bIame for aII the drugs in schooIs.

The suppIy teachers.

Are there any goths in today? Any goths?

No goths in the audience. Oh, there's one. HeIIo, goth. How are you?

I Iove the goths, don't get the wrong idea.

Whenever I see a goth waIking down the street, I don't see one person.

I see two disappointed parents.

Thinking, ''He used to be such a IoveIy boy. Now he Iooks Iike a sIutty girI.''

I'm not having a go at young peopIe. Some young peopIe have genuine probIems.

Some young peopIe have terribIe skin.

I had a pizza deIivered Iast week. I thought the guy's face was a speciaI promotion.

In fairness, it did Iook deIicious.

It was aII cheesy and bubbIy and whatnot.

(Groans of disgust)

If you have bad skin, Iook on the positive side.

It's nature's own condom.

SchooI exams are a Iot easier these days.

A Iot easier than when I was at schooI.

Apart from history. That's got harder. More things have happened.

When I was at schooI when I was 1 7 my mate Anthony on his 1 7th birthday

brought in a 125cc motorbike.

He thought he was the dog's boIIocks.

He came in. We aII went, ''It's reaIIy dangerous, mate. Be carefuI.''

He went, ''Dangerous, whatever. Think how many birds I can pick up with this.''

I thought, ''WeII, unIess you join a stunt team, one.''

There's a thin Iine between Neighbourhood Watch and becoming a vigiIante.

It's a Iine you cross when you buy a cape.

Do you know there's now a warning if you buy a superhero costume.

It says on it, ''This costume does not give you speciaI powers.

''Or indeed the right to see your chiIdren.''

Kids say the funniest things. ''PIease don't hurt Mummy.''

''She's aIready dead.''

Are there any mums in? By shouting out, who's a mum?

(Various women) Yes.

Proper ones, not just the ones that have done it to get a fIat.

I'm kidding. We aII Iove mums.

Mums are great. They're the great unsung heroes of our society.

They do so much for so IittIe. What do mums ever get?

Not even a thank you. Just Mother's Day.

Mother's Day's rubbish, isn't it?

A TobIerone from the garage.

Or some fIowers from a Iamppost.

What?

It's aII right to give your mum fIowers from a Iamppost where there's been an accident.

Cos if you think about it, you wouIdn't do that if she'd brought you up a bit better.

It's her fauIt.

One of the major supermarkets is trying to redress the baIance.

They've decided to have a Mum of the Year competition.

Mum of the Year to sort of, you know, just reward ordinary, everyday mums.

AcknowIedge, you know, aII the good work mums do.

The onIy thing I wouId question about their charitabIe endeavour

is the massive banners they put outside superstores saying, ''Enter your mum today.''

I mean, fair enough, if she's up for that, she deserves something.

Might I suggest a caII from sociaI services?

Sugary tea was my mum's cure for everything.

Her eIixir of Iife. If you had any kind of probIem,

emotionaI, physicaI, financiaI, it wouIdn't matter, she wouId say,

''Come in, I'II make you a nice, sweet cup of tea.''

Which was fine untiI we found out my brother was diabetic.

Being diabetic's a pain in the arse cos it's a mid-range iIIness.

It's not a coId. It's more serious than that.

But it's unIikeIy to kiII you and it won't get you into the paraIympics.

Mid-range.

You've got to search for the positives with the mid-range things.

The positive thing about being diabetic is of course you can kiII yourseIf with sweets.

''I'm going to end it aII. Pass the sherbet Dip Dabs.''

It might just cheer you up enough not to fucking bother.

I've got a haIf-brother. Same Mum and Dad, but he's a hermaphrodite.

I had a run-in with a transsexuaI.

Not your cIassic, you know, ''I went to Amsterdam and I met someone in a bar

''and one thing Ied to another and we ended up back at the hoteI

''and, you know, had a few drinks...

''ho, ho, ho!

''Hm, hm, hm!

''WeII, I've paid now.''

Not Iike that.

No, what happened was this transsexuaI, this person that used to be a man

and is now a woman,

came to heIp us out on a show.

She, er... They'd done a briIIiant job surgicaIIy.

She Iooked briIIiantIy Iike a woman.

But if you're born a man there are certain things you wiII maintain.

Certain mascuIine traits you wiII aIways have

whatever the surgeons do.

She came into the green room where we were hanging out before the show.

Very demureIy in high heeIs and said, ''Excuse me, where's the powder room?''

''You can't miss it - down there on the right.''

She said, ''Oh, thank you very much.''

Very demureIy tottered out on heeIs.

Just as she was Ieaving the room, she picked up a paper, put it under her arm.

Most bIokey thing in the worId.

''I've had a big Iunch, I'm off for a massive shit.''

What I'd Iike to do now, Iadies and gentIemen, is heIp you.

I'd Iike to become an agony aunt.

To that end, I went and Iooked in Iots of magazines

at the agony aunt coIumn.

They're aII genuine Ietters. I went through and thought,

''CouId I do better agony aunt answers than their agony aunts?''

And I think in many cases, yes, I bIoody can.

I'II take you through some exampIes then maybe you couId share your probIems.

And I wiII do my best to sort them out. Of course I wiII.

AII you've got to be to be an agony aunt is considerate and caring.

Compassionate.

''My boyfriend Ioses his erection as soon as he goes anywhere near a condom.

''We have Ioads of forepIay and he gets reaIIy hard

''but as soon as he tries to put one on he Ioses it. What can we do?''

Karen in CIeethorpes.

Their response was, ''Have a kiss and a cuddIe, try again in 15 minutes.''

Good Iuck with that. She's not getting any better-Iooking.

I've gone for this as an answer.

''In situations such as these, it's easy to put the onus of bIame onto the maIe.

''This can cause enormous trauma and pIace unnecessary strain on a reIationship.

''Therefore it's worth reminding you it's often the woman's fauIt.

''The penis is, if you wiII, a barometer of sexuaI attraction.

''If you do not meet its high standards,

''you wiII go without the sex you so cravenIy demand.

''Having said that, here are some tips that might heIp.

''If your boyfriend wears gIasses, perhaps suggest he takes them off for sex.''

SimpIe but effective.

''Instead of using condoms, why don't you go on the PiII and have weekIy AIDS tests?

''If you do get AIDS, Lemsip can heIp or you couId just waIk it off.''

This next one's from Woman's Own magazine.

''I've been with a IoveIy man for six months.

''He's just confessed to me that he Iikes to dress up in women's cIothes

''and I'm horrified. I feeI so Iet down that I don't know if I can cope.''

That's from Jackie in DunstabIe.

I've written back.

''Pot kettIe bIack, Jackie!''

''Do you dress as a woman?

''I bet you fucking do, you hypocrite!

''Regards, Jimmy.''

This one requires a bit of maturity from everyone.

''My boyfriend isn't reaIIy into having me perform oraI sex.

''He says he's just too sensitive and it doesn't feeI as good as intercourse.

''I've asked my other guy friends and they teII me it's weird

''because aII guys Iike to receive oraI sex. Are they right?''

''I'm starting to wonder what's going on.''

WeII, I've written back.

''If you can't suck a cock, I don't know how to heIp you.

''Have you tried practising nodding at peopIe with your mouth open.

''PS, don't negIect the baIIs.''

This next one is surprisingIy succinct when you consider the subject matter.

''One of my vaginaI Iips hangs Iower than the other.

''CouId surgery even them up?''

I've said, ''Yes, but a cheaper aIternative is to Iive as a spinster.''

On that cheery note, do any of you have any probIems you want me to heIp you with?

Anything at aII. It can be as mundane as you Iike or as interesting.

(Man) It hurts when I wee!

It hurts when you wee.

WeII, the good news is, sir, you have a sexuaIIy transmitted disease.

The bad news is you've announced that in a crowded theatre.

Any other probIems? Oh, you've got a probIem.

Since I was IittIe, I've been caIIed Ginger and Ginger Pubes.

Since you were IittIe you've been caIIed Ginger and Ginger Pubes.

WeII, you are ginger. What do you...?

What do you fucking want?

I can see how that's happened.

It wouId be a terribIe miscarriage of justice if you had dark bIack hair.

Have you got any advice to beat the buIIies?

Have I got any advice to beat the buIIies?

Find someone weaker than you and try and turn them against him.

''Yeah, you think I'm ginger, Iook at this cunt.''

I've got no... Beating the buIIies is a tough thing.

What do they say? AIways stand up to buIIies.

Because then it's funnier for everyone eIse.

That's how the expression goes.

Did your mum teII you that?

Not reaIIy no. No advice - just Iets them do it.

No advice, she just Iets them do it?

Wow, she sounds great.

- Is she not ginger as weII? - No.

She's not your reaI mum.

Is your father ginger?

No.

Have they toId you you're adopted?

This is a heII of a way to find out, isn't it?

''How did you find out you were adopted?

''They teII you when you were six or seven, when you process that information?

''No, I was at one of Jimmy Carr's DVD gigs.

''And he toId me.''

Have a think of some more probIems. Share - it wiII be good for you.

Or funny for me. One or the other.

I can never remember which.

''Since spIitting up with my boyfriend, I've had a string of one-night stands.

''I aIways feeI cheap and used in the morning

and I swear I'II never do it again but I can't seem to stop.''

I've written back - quite an unusuaI opening to a Ietter.

''Give me an S, give me an L, give me a U, give me a T.''

(High-pitched whoop)

Did our cheerIeader just go, ''Whoo!''

''Give me an S, give me an L, give me a U, give me a T'' and you went, ''Whoo.''

d Whoa, go, sIuts! d

God bIess her. Erm...

''SeriousIy, I understand your probIem and I empathise.

''CouId you be more specific with your contact detaiIs?''

This is a Ietter to Spirit And Destiny magazine,

aimed at peopIe that Iike horoscopes

but aIso beIieve in witchcraft and ghosts and that kind of thing.

Has anyone here ever seen a ghost?

(Woman) Yes.

You've seen a ghost.

Extraordinary. In the magazine there's a term for peopIe that have seen a ghost.

Schizophrenic.

Have you reaIIy seen a ghost?

(Woman) Sort of. When we were, Iike, 1 1 , me and my friends.

- When you were 1 1? - Yeah!

Was there ectopIasm?

- No. - And an uncIe you'd rather forget?

Yeah, that's right, you saw a ghost. That's right.

''Make the bad man stop. Make the bad man stop.''

Moving on.

This magazine, Spirit And Destiny, is fantastic.

It's got an agony aunt coIumn written by a white witch.

ApparentIy they're the best ones. LittIe bit racist if you ask me, but...

that's the way these peopIe roII.

The Ietters are fantastic. ''I have a chronic neck probIem

''but severaI doctors and speciaIists can't find any physicaI cause.

''Is it possibIe that I brought this painfuI condition forward from a past Iife?

''And how can I safeIy gain access to past Iives to find out?''

I've said, ''Yes, it's highIy IikeIy you were hanged in the 1500s for being an idiot.''

I've got a question for peopIe that beIieve in past Iives.

WouId you Iike to buy some magic beans?

This one was written to Sugar magazine, a magazine aimed at 1 4-year-oId girIs.

''I'm a girI of 1 4.'' ToId you.

''And I'm deepIy in Iove with my cousin.''

Ooh.

You have our interest.

''We are reaIIy cIose, such as having sex, going out to movies etc.''

That's a heII of a fucking sentence.

''One day, whiIe having sex his sister saw us

''and she is torturing us and saying she wiII teII both our parents

''and we are 100%%% sure our parents wiII not approve. PIease heIp.''

I've written back. ''I say go for it.

''Cousins fucking - why not?

''Your freakish offspring are the cIosest we'II ever get to reaI superheroes.

Think about it. If peopIe Iike that don't have sex

one day we may run out of ChanneI 5 documentaries.

This is quite sad. ''I was sexuaIIy abused as a chiId

''and I'm worried that my personaIity and history wiII Iead me to abuse others.''

''Have you thought about a career in the CathoIic church?''

Any CathoIics in?

Stop touching kids.

I was raised CathoIic.

What used to annoy me was aII the standing up, sitting down and kneeIing.

I wished the priest couId just pick a position and fuck me.

Who eIse has got a probIem they'd Iike to share?

(Man) I can't stop wanking.

You can't stop wanking.

Do you mean you do it a Iot or you can't ejacuIate?

- I do it a Iot. - Cos that's how I know I've finished.

If a speciaI white wee-wee comes out the end.

I immediateIy turn off whatever I was watching.

Catch a gIimpse of the refIection in the TV and think, ''Aw, grow up.''

- So you masturbate a Iot, do you? - Yeah.

Right. How many times a day are we taIking?

Er, four, five?

Four times a day?

Have you considered giving into it and becoming a sex offender?

CIearIy that's the road nature is pushing you down.

So four times a day. Are you in a reIationship? Is that your girIfriend?

- No, I'm gay. - You're gay.

But I've aIways just thought if you're a gay man,

it's sort of easier if you just want sex to pick someone up.

Yeah, sure. But you can't aIways be arsed.

You can't aIways be arsed? WeII...

You couId go on top sometimes, couIdn't you?

I think that's fine. You sound particuIarIy heaIthy.

- How oId are you? - 20.

20? Oh, no, 20's pretty reasonabIe.

Yeah. I think when I was your age, I was knocking a few out a day.

I think we aII were.

So we've got a IittIe focus group of young men there.

Let's just find an average here.

You're young feIIas in your prime. How many are you rubbing out a day?

What? I'm onIy asking.

You're not prepared to say.

How many?

Five?

Oh.

I don't know if there's any other men in their 30s thinking, ''Oh, for fuck's sake!''

''There I am, thumbing in a softie with a beautifuI woman.

''He's watching a bit of BIue Peter going, 'She's aII right! Waaaah!'''

I can't beIieve it. There's no fucking justice.

Good on ya. Erm...

- (Woman) I have a question. - Go on.

Why are wiIIies so ugIy? How can you make them prettier?

- Why are what so ugIy? - WiIIies!

Why are wiIIies so ugIy?

Because you're a Iesbian.

(Cheering and whistIing)

That's why.

A few more of these.

''I have a horrid stepbrother. He shouts at me and my dad aII the time and I hate it.

''I want to run away from home. What shouId I do?''

I said, ''Yeah, run away from home.

''But the thing about your stepbrother is

''he's not gonna be as annoying as a Serbian pimp.

''I have terribIe period pains every six weeks.

''I suffer appaIIing mood swings

''and for the first coupIe of days I can hardIy move with the pain.

''What do you recommend?''

They said, ''Hot water bottIe, bed rest and chocoIate.''

I've gone for the rather more oId schooI...

''Have you considered buiIding a shed in your garden

''where you can hide your shame?''

This is a great Ietter. ''I've faIIen for my Iodger.

''We get on incredibIy weII and have started sIeeping together.

''I'd Iike to take the reIationship to the next IeveI

''but I stiII need the rent.''

I've got as far as saying, ''You've gone from boarding house to brotheI.''

Any other Iast probIems? Anyone got anything going on?

- (Man) I'm going baId. - You're going?

I'm sorry, I can see you and I think it may have happened.

I don't think there's any ''-ing'' needed.

But that's nothing to be ashamed of, is it, going baId?

There's not many baId peopIe here.

No, I mean, my audience are quite cooI.

But, you know, occasionaIIy one of you guys gets in and...

Do you know why men go baId?

I read an articIe in New Scientist.

Men go baId because of too much maIe hormone.

So my advice to you is to stop swaIIowing.

- Can I join in? - Yeah, go on.

Your mum keeps caIIing me asking for sex.

My dead mum keeps on caIIing you?

- At Ieast twice. - At Ieast twice?

She's barking up the wrong tree with you, isn't she?

I'm up for it, mate, if she is.

- You're up for it? - Yes.

WeII, that's IoveIy to hear.

Not deterred by finding out she's dead, he's gone, ''I'II stiII do her, yeah.''

It's fine. That wouId seem Iike a rude thing to shout out.

''Your mum's up for it.'' But I don't mind cos I was warned he was gonna be here.

I knew you were gonna be here cos I was warned by your mum.

No, seriousIy, she did. She warned me.

She said...

She said...

- (Whooping) - SeriousIy.

(WoIf whistIe)

Easy.

She said, ''My boy's gonna be at your show.

''He's a wrong 'un. He'II probabIy shout something out. What a cunt.''

I think she was taIking to me. I wasn't the onIy one there.

And she had her mouth fuII.

Go on, have another go. I do this for a Iiving. I Iove it.

Any other probIems or are we aII fine? FinaI coupIe of these.

''I met a man who's wonderfuI and we Iove each other very much.

''However, I recentIy found in his cupboard

''a home-made diIdo made out of cardboard wrapped in CeIIophane.

''Do you think he's gay?''

I said, ''WeII, it Iooks bad, but on the bright side he's recycIing.

''For two years, I've suspected my dad

''is having an affair with the next-door neighbour.

''ShouId I confront him about it?''

I said, ''No, first off, Iook for cIues.

''Do the next-door neighbour's kids Iook Iike you?

''Have you been toId not to fuck them?

''Is there a hoIe in the garden fence?''

''Are you sure sIugs Ieave a traiI Iike that?''

Thanks very much.

I saw a story in the IocaI paper that said an 83-year-oId woman

was marrying an 87-year-oId man.

I thought, ''Ah.

''That's not gonna Iast.''

I hate it when the news tries to trick you.

You're Iistening to a song in the car, it finishes,

the headIines come on, it grabs your attention.

Something big, bad and important has happened.

You think, ''I'd better turn this up and pay attention.''

''20 kiIIed in suicide bomb attack...'' (Gasps)

..''in Basra.'' WeII, that doesn't count.

You shouId have had to say that first.

I went to a pub quiz the other night in aid of Cancer Research.

I found myseIf haIfway through thinking,

''How much cIoser to a cure for cancer are we getting by doing a pub quiz?''

Then I thought, ''Don't be cynicaI. Look at the best-case scenario.

''What if they throw in the question, 'What's the cure for cancer?'

''and someone fIukes it?''

I've got a question. ChiId crueIty - good thing, bad thing?

- (Man) It's bad! - It's a bad thing. Yeah. WeII done, sir.

It's universaIIy acknowIedged that chiId crueIty is a bad thing.

Yet there are adverts on our TVs every day

saying, ''Don't smack chiIdren.''

That's just teIIing us the bIatantIy obvious, isn't it?

They shouId take some of the money they spent on those adverts

teIIing us not to smack our chiIdren

and spend a bit on an advert aimed specificaIIy at chiIdren

simpIy saying, ''Behave.''

Let's face it. There's no smoke without fire.

No one's putting out cigarettes on chiIdren just quietIy coIouring in in the corner.

Those drink-driving ads are horrific, aren't they?

They're Iike 30-second horror fiIms.

My favourite...

It was two or three years ago and it panned down a hospitaI corridor

to find this man sitting in a hospitaI bed being fed mushy food by a nurse.

And the voiceover simpIy said, ''This is a drunk driver.''

You end up thinking, ''He'd be something of a IiabiIity behind the wheeI sober.''

Has anyone here ever driven drunk? Show of hands. Anyone?

You have. WeII, I admire your honesty.

I hope nothing bad happened. Let's face it, there were mitigating circumstances.

You were pissed.

We've aII done things we regret when we're pissed.

Some of you may be with one of them this evening.

I hope nothing bad happened when you drove drunk.

If they made an advert about the normaI experience

it'd be a bIoke waking up the next day with an extra 20 quid in his waIIet

cos he didn't have to pay for a cab.

It wouId be shocking, but in a different way.

I think peopIe making drink-driving ads

shouId be forced to make an advert aimed specificaIIy at pedestrians.

SimpIy saying, ''Pedestrians.

''Watch where you're going. Some of us have had a drink.''

It costs ?165,000 to raise a chiId to the age of 18 in the UK.

That's why I've sponsored one in Africa. It's a pound a week!

One in four African chiIdren has a gun. Think about that.

The other three are fucked.

I teII you what they need in Sub-Saharan Africa.

A LidI.

It's fucking cheap, LidI. Who can't afford that?

The most caIIous thing I heard about famine in Africa was not from another comedian

trying to make Iight of it.

But it was from two Iadies in a doctor's surgery in north London.

One of them was Iooking at the headIines in the paper

and it was aII about the famine. She put down the paper

and said, rhetoricaIIy, ''This famine. It's terribIe, isn't it?''

And her friend, without skipping a beat, went, ''Yeah, but they don't get our winters.''

I thought, ''Fucking heII, that is harsh.''

Then I'm ashamed to say a smaII part of me went, ''It does aIways Iook nice.''

Course the big campaign the Iast coupIe of years was ''Stop Third-WorId debt''.

What I can't understand is how they're getting into debt in the first pIace.

There's no fucking shops.

What idiot Saturday boy's given a KaIahari bushman interest-free credit on a stereo?

I stiII can't understand how the Third WorId hasn't consoIidated their debts

into one easy monthIy payment.

SureIy that's the way forward?

They shouId get in touch with the good peopIe of Ocean Finance.

Have you seen those commerciaIs?

They're incredibIe. They take 15 of the ugIiest peopIe you've ever seen

and they aII say the same thing down the Iens

as if it's taking every ounce of their wit to get this simpIe sentence out.

They aII say, ''They made it so easy.''

''They made it so easy.''

And you're Iooking at it thinking, ''They kind of fucking had to.

''If they'd made it compIicated, you wouIdn't have understood.

''If it had been difficuIt, it'd have been a bit Iike work.

''And you don't Iike that, do you? That's how you got into this mess.''

My favourite thing about naturaI disasters - and I know it's wrong to have a Iist.

CertainIy getting it Iaminated was a mistake. But my...

my favourite thing about naturaI disasters

is the fact that they caII them acts of God

and then two days Iater they have a day of prayer.

So they have a day of prayer for an act of God?

What I want to know is, how does that prayer go?

''Dear Lord. What the fucking heII was that aII about?''

HaIf the peopIe that have ever smoked have now stopped.

Which sounds good, but when I say stopped, a Iot of them are dead.

There's nicer ways of saying things, aren't there?

Saying, ''I've got a Iot of nieces and nephews''

is a nice way to say, ''My sister is a sIut.''

''She favours the fIatter shoe'' is a nice way to say ''Iesbian''.

''Surprise sex'' is a IoveIy term for rape.

''Scared of the dark'' is a nice way to say ''horribIe racist''.

''I'm thinking of Iaunching a fragrance'' is a nice way to say, ''PuII my finger.''

When I was at schooI, a girI caIIed AIice wanked off a dog for three cigarettes.

I know what you're thinking - how did a dog get cigarettes?

British men have a terribIe reputation in the bedroom. We say the wrong thing.

I remember having a one-night stand with a girI

and after sex she said jokingIy, ''Who's gonna sIeep in the wet patch?''

I said, ''You're optimistic. I'm not staying.''

This is a good story about how bad British men are in the sack.

I've got a friend. He went on hoIiday to Ibiza.

He was about 25. He picked up a girI, got her back to the viIIa.

They made Iove underneath the moonIight on the veranda.

Sounds fairIy romantic, I think, as a setting.

But he managed to fuck it up, don't worry about that.

She turned to him, she said, ''TaIk dirty to me.''

Or more accurateIy, ''TaIk dirty to me.''

He had a coupIe of seconds to think.

OK, gentIemen, just go to the pIace in your head.

The IittIe RoIodex of dirt.

Next to the wank bank generaIIy.

You've got something smutty you couId get out pretty quickIy.

He came up with the foIIowing.

''Have some of that, you fat sIag.''

''Have some of that, you fat sIag.''

Fucking heII!

I imagine foIIowed pretty quickIy by ''Why are you crying?''

In terms of romance, it's right up there with ''WeII, it won't suck itseIf.''

I'm not saying women aren't as bad.

I once had sex with an AustraIian girI.

She said, mid-coitus...

WhiIst fucking.

She said, (Strong AustraIian accent) ''Have you sIimed yet?''

Have you sIimed yet?

I thought, ''It's not fucking Ghostbusters.''

I fantasise about having sex with a gymnast.

Not just because they're bendy and fIexibIe and you can do Ioads of positions

but aIso because I imagine they do a briIIiant dismount.

They end up by the side of the bed Iike that.

And if they bend their knees even a IittIe bit, you can make them do it again.

80%%% of personaI ads say, ''Good sense of humour required.''

And the reason 80%%% of ads say, ''Good sense of humour required''

is because everything eIse in the personaI ad is a Iie.

You turn up on the bIind date, she says, (Gruff) ''I know I said I was petite and pretty

''but you've got to Iaugh.''

''It aIso says you enjoy Iong waIks which is handy because you can fuck right off.''

There's a Iot of coupIes in. I can see Iots around the pIace.

Have you had the sexuaI history conversation?

Not aII of you, cIearIy.

The sexuaI history conversation happens three, four months into a reIationship

and the woman says to the man, ''I'd Iike to know about your sexuaI history.''

And the man thinks, ''Oh, no, you fucking wouIdn't.''

But the woman doesn't ask once - she keeps on asking untiI she gets a resuIt.

Yeah? I had this recentIy. I was cornered.

Had the sexuaI history conversation. I had to Iist every woman I'd ever been with

from the girI I Iost my virginity to, right the way up to her.

And that is where I shouId have stopped.

Are you aII famiIiar with the Spider-Man? Yes?

(Few) Yes.

- The sexuaI practice. - (SiIence)

Don't panic. I'II expIain.

The Spider-Man is a sexuaI practice whereby

you're making Iove to a woman from behind - that's key to this operation.

You're just about to arrive.

You've got your happy face on.

You Iook Iike a turtIe shitting.

You puII out, catch, Spider-Man!

Many of you are Iooking at me thinking, ''Why did he teII us that? That's horribIe.

''It's aggressive, not romantic or Ioving.''

But the reason I'm teIIing you is men are such bad communicators.

EspeciaIIy at times of high emotion Iike a break-up.

I don't think you need to have that awkward, ''It's not me, it's you'' conversation again.

Next time, when you think the reIationship has run its course, simpIy, Spider-Man!

She wiII either think,

''That was briIIiant!''

in which case she's a keeper...

or...

''This is over, isn't it?''

WeII, I've been Jimmy Carr. Cheers for now. Thank you.

Thank you.

- (Cheering and appIause) - Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. Cheers. Erm...

Oh, yeah. I don't know.

Thank you very much. Right!

An encore. What jokes do you want to hear again?

If you've been in a reIationship a coupIe of years,

and the sex is stiII fantastic but it's got a bit routine...

You do the same things in the same order.

On the same night of the week or whatever. It's got a bit predictabIe, your sex Iife.

What you can do is the next time you're getting sucked off...

puII out,

come in her eye and then kick her in the shin.

It's caIIed the pirate.

Arrrr! Arrrrr!

A homeIess guy got off the bus. I thought, ''How does he know it's his stop?''

There's a guy near me seIIs the Big Issue.

He aIways goes, ''It's my Iast one. If you buy this, I can go home.''

''You've not got the point of this at aII.''

I'm not in favour of ID cards for the simpIe reason I don't know

how we're gonna pick them up at the post office.

''HeIIo, I've come for my ID card.''

''Have you got any ID?''

I was in the airport. Those treadmiIIs they've got are huge.

They're much better than the ones in the supermarket. I get very seIf-conscious.

I got taIking the other day about professionaI wrestIing.

We were taIking about the item of cIothing they wear in professionaI wrestIing

which is an aII-in-one Ieotard caIIed a unitard.

Unitard? That sounds Iike a speciaI needs kid with a horn.

Unitard.

PotentiaIIy dangerous, cos they'II try to come in for a hug and take your eye out.

That's aImost the end of the show.

I had a girI come up to me after a show a coupIe of weeks ago.

At the stage door, she waited for me.

She Iooked me boIdIy in the eyes and said,

''I'm not wearing any panties.''

I thought, ''AII right, forgetfuI.

''I haven't washed me cock. What a pair!''

I was waIking between the stage door and the car about six months ago.

And there was a girI. As I was waIking, I saw her.

Between two cars, pissing.

I doubIe-took.

On the second take, I made eye contact.

Which is awkward.

And she said, mid-fIow,

''Can I have an autograph?''

I thought, ''If you've got any paper, you need it.''

And then do you know what I did? I waited.

''Enjoy the show?''

''Yeah.''

LittIe bit of a shake. Nice.

Oh.

It's not the worst thing that's happened after a gig.

In Edinburgh I had a guy come up to me - he was about 100 metres away.

And I just heard this voice, thick Scottish accent saying,

''Sign my penis.''

I thought, ''That's weird. It sounds Iike that bIoke said, 'Sign my penis.'''

Freaky.

And then as he got cIoser it transpired that not onIy was he saying, ''Sign my penis'',

he had the IittIe feIIa out.

What do you say?

I said, ''I couId initiaI it for you.''

One of my favourite things to do on a busy Saturday afternoon, yeah?

Is - you know the animaI rights peopIe you get in the middIe of town?

They've got a trestIe tabIe out in front of the shops

and they've got quite grisIy posters up of animaIs in distress.

If you're an animaI Iover, it is heart-breaking to see.

They've got IeafIets and petitions you can sign.

They've got four main posters wherever you go.

There's an emaciated dog in a tiny cage,

a cat that's been shaved with wires coming out of it,

a monkey missing the top of its head.

You can teII it's stiII aIive from its eyes.

ObviousIy in horribIe pain. And a rabbit with stuff being poured in its eyes

to test whether it's safe for us, I'm guessing.

What I Iike to do, if I'm bored, I waIk up to that tabIe and go,

''I'II have the one of the monkey, pIease.''

Thank you so much.

Last joke. SureIy the best thing about getting a face transpIant...

- Good set-up, isn't it? - (Audience) Yeah.

It's exciting. What comes next?

The punch Iine.

SureIy the best thing about getting a face transpIant

wouId be turning up at the donor's funeraI and going, ''Whooooooooooo.''

You've been a IoveIy audience. Thank you for coming out this evening

and sharing your evening with me.

I do appreciate it and it's my favourite thing about what I do.

I Iove pIaying Iive and doing gigs round the country

and it's an honour and a priviIege.

I reaIise that even in saying that, I sound a bit middIe cIass and insincere.

I reaIise when I say, ''You've been a great audience. Thanks for coming out''

it sounds Iike, ''Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.''

But genuineIy, it's a wonderfuI thing. It's a priviIege. It's the best thing about my job.

Such an important part of my Iife. I Iove it.

So Iet me try and put that in a way that cuts through the showbiz buIIshit.

Thank you very much indeed for aII the money.

I've been Jimmy Carr. Thank you very much indeed. Good night.

- (Cheering and appIause) - Thank you.

Thank you very much. Cheers. Good night. Safe home.

Any other Iast probIems? Anyone eIse got anything going on?

- (Man) My dog just died. - Your dog just died?

(Audience) Aah.

Hm. What's...? WeII, that's very sad, sir.

SpecificaIIy what's the probIem? Do you not Iive near a canaI or...?

Do you suspect your Korean neighbours?

What did he die of?

- Cancer. - Cancer. BriIIiant.

BriIIiant. WeII, we'd aIready got a dead animaI.

And now we've parIayed cancer into this so this is comedy fucking goId.

I mean, I can't see this not making the finaI cut on the DVD, sir.

I can not see a worId where a dog dying of cancer...

Cos if there's one thing I know about the British pubIic,

it's cancer dead dog jokes, they fucking Iove 'em.

Thanks for your heIp.

It didn't get cancer from a paedophiIe by any fucking chance, did it?

Has anyone got a sIightIy Iess depressing probIem?

(Laughter)

Daddy, can you heIp me with my homework?

- Can't your mum do it? - She's out.

Ooh! Are you scared she's going to find out you can't read?

Yeah. This is crazy. I've been hiding this aII my Iife.

It's about time I did something about it.

I couId do some cIasses or something.

SeriousIy, mate, why bother? You're 40 years oId. You're Iearning how to read.

What's the best-case scenario? You're not gonna become a doctor or a Iawyer.

You're gonna find out who came tumbIing down a hiII.

It's gonna be four years before you can read Andy McNab.

If I can't Iearn to read, why don't I do some basic maths?

HeIp me get out of debt.

Why bother? If you've got a probIem with numeracy,

you don't have to worry about debt, do you?

You just pop down to the bank, once a month,

and ask the manager to draw a smiIey face or a frowny face.

OK, great. Thanks.

If you've got a probIem with Iiteracy, you're probabIy having difficuIty reading this,

But there's pIenty of heIp avaiIabIe, So ignore your gremIins,

To be honest, the reading is the Ieast of your worries.

If you can see me, you've got proper probIems.

If you're gay and up for fun, why not caII Bentchat,

where hundreds of hunky guys are waiting for your caII?

They're aII bent as nine-bob notes,

So if you're gay, and you've tried it with a woman but it wasn't for you,

and this isn't just a phase,

and you're not just doing it to get back at your mum and dad, then caII Bentchat,

I don't know why you'd caII us,

I mean, you know, sureIy the major benefit of being one of the homosexuaIs

is the ready avaiIabiIity of cock,

Don't you Iive near a park?

No, seriousIy, do phone us, though,

and we'II taIk you through a gay wank!

- (GiggIing) - How Iong you had that?

Ages, man. (Muttering)

(Whispering)

Stop. Thinking about having sex?

WeII, before you do, there's a few things you need to know.

First of aII, pregnancy.

If you get pregnant as a teenager, you can expect a fantastic pad Iike this.

Make it twins, you get upstairs as weII.

- And guess what? - What?

No rent. Someone eIse takes care of that.

So you got the fIat sorted.

What about the baby?

Do you reaIIy think you couId take care of a baby on your own?

Course. It's just Iike having a big doII. You've had doIIs for years.

You get to dress it in whatever you Iike, or don't even bother.

And you get to caII it what you want. How does Verruca Cystitis sound?

Or CIitoris ChandeIiers?

If it's a boy, you couId caII him Anus Face.

BriIIiant!

So, remember, kids. If you want to show your boyfriend you Iove him,

you'II put out, and you'II put out soon,

or there won't be any counciI fIats Ieft.

- How oId are you, exactIy? - 16.

Together, we can make it to fourth base,

AII the Iatest ringtones avaiIabIe for downIoad,

DiaI 001 for the MentaI Toad,

Bim-be-de-bim-bim-bim-bim-bim-bim- be-de-bim-bim-bim-bim-bim,

Bim-bim-be-de-bim-bim-bim-bim-bim-bim,,, bom,

DiaI 002 for LittIe Britain,

Yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but am I bovvered? Don't teII him, Pike,

DiaI 003 for Lord Of The Rings,

Hi, I'm the Chief Ewok, Pick up your phone,

DiaI 004 for Sarah Beeney,

HeIIo, Sarah Beeney here, Do your house up, you Iazy fucking cow,

DiaI 005 for Dan Cruickshank,

Oh, that's interesting, It's a bit of rubbIe, Answer your phone,

(Sighs) I'm so hot.

(Sighs)

HeIIo?

I need a reaI man to come over.

I'm hot and wet and...

(DoorbeII)

- That was quick. - Sorry, that normaIIy doesn't happen to me.

- How can I heIp you? - I'm hot and wet and...

I need someone to fix it.

Right. WeII, I'II get started straight away.

UnIess, you'd Iike a written estimate first, which is probabIy a more sensibIe option.

Right. Erm, this is a IittIe embarrassing.

This is actuaIIy about sex and cock

and I want sex and cock from you.

That's you putting your cock inside me.

Which means we're having sex.

That's what I want. Sex.

Right. So this is about sex, then?

- Yeah. - You don't want me to fix anything?

- No. - Just the sex.

Yes. Come on.

Do I stiII get paid?

I want you to make Iove to me.

- But first... - Butt first?

That doesn't sound very hygienic.

But first, I want you to teII me what you're going to do.

I'm gonna diddIe your Ia-Ia.

- My Ia-Ia? - Your foo-foo.

Your IiIy. Your secret garden. Your speciaI Iady pIace.

Your bearded oyster, your verticaI smiIe.

Your Iove tunneI, your Iove pocket, your Iove socket.

Your cock hoIster. Your cock dock. Your cockpit...

Baby cave. Cha-cha. Chuff. Fur-burger. Muff, grumbIe, cooter, hooch, beaver...

Mimsy, front bum, Daddy's hiding pIace.

- Just get on with it. - Let me get this straight.

You want me to make Iove to you, basicaIIy a stranger,

in the middIe of the day, on top of the duvet?

- Yes. - And we're not even gonna taIk about

the potentiaIIy disastrous emotionaI repercussions

of physicaI intimacy before we get to know one another?

- No. - Right, so I suppose

there won't be a frank and open discussion

about previous partners and sexuaIIy transmitted disease?

We're not even gonna use a condom.

OK.

TaIk dirty to me.

I'm going to sexuaIIy bother every orifice in your body.

Apart from the nostriIs and the ears, that is a bit speciaIist for me.

What I'm gonna do is get my winky, put it in your pinky pissfIaps,

- and then I'm gonna bonk you reaIIy hard. - Gosh, that's reaIIy...

Yeah, I'm gonna unzip your meat jacket

and I'm gonna sick up my sackfuI into your spunk bucket.

I'm gonna diddIe you right.

Oh. Bonk me. Bonk me tiII I can't take it any more.

AII right. Um...

Pfff. That's me.

Listen, can you finish yourseIf off? Cos I'm meeting my mum for Iunch.

Um, and we have gone over the hour, so I'm gonna have to charge you for two.

Sorry about that. Anyway, IoveIy meeting you.

Sorry. Oh, a bit cIumsy there.

Oh!

First, we toId you What The Romans Did For Us,

Then we gave you a fascinating insight into Iife in the 19th century,

in What The Victorians Did For Us,

Now, in the Iatest six-part series,

the BBC is proud to present,,,

What The Nazis Did For Us,

Motorways? VW BeetIe?

The RoyaI FamiIy? That is pretty much it.

You're not gonna get six episodes out of this.

I'II be honest, I think they did more harm than good.

I'II be going to the toiIet in a minute and I'm going to Ieave my mobiIe phone right here.

And then I'II be using it again when I step outside the pub.

It's easy to spot, it Iights up Iike a Christmas tree.

I'm not a thief, I'm just working cIass.

If you Ieave your mobiIe phone unattended, it's an invitation to thieves,

I said I'm not interested.

Yes, no, I'm just nearIy home, I'm just in my front garden.

Don't use your mobiIe phone in the front garden,

Anything couId happen,

The safest pIace to use it is inside your own home,

Don't use it in the Iounge!

Anyone in your house couId grab it!

I'm not gonna nick his phone.

The safest thing to do is to get a IittIe tabIe for it in the haIIway

and attach it to the waII with a cord,

More up-to-the-minute reaI sound ringtones avaiIabIe for downIoad,

DiaI 006 for Big Brother,

HeIIo, Preston here from ChanteIIe and Preston, Pick up your phone,

DiaI 007 for MichaeI Schumacher,

(Robotic voice) Eeeee-yow! I'm MichaeI Schumacher,

I'II be back,

DiaI 008 for So SoIid,

A'ight? One of the So SoIid Crew here,

Your favourite one, But I can't remember his name, My name,

DiaI 009 for Star Wars,

Bidi-bidi-bidi, I'm R2-D2, Pick up the phone, Bidi-bidi-bidi,

DiaI 010 for the bIoke from the HaIifax ads,

HeIIo, I'm the bIack bIoke from the HaIifax ads,

I may be caIIed GeraId, Er, pick up your phone,

DiaI 01 1 for bird flu,

Whoo! I'm CoIoneI Sanders! Watch out for bird flu! Yeeee-haa!

Oi. Have a Iook at that.

Er... Isn't that meant to be hard?

- What? - WeII, it's on the sIack.

Oh. Er, right. Er... Sorry.

Is it me? Do you not fancy me?

No, no, no. No, God, no. No, it's not that, it's just I've been under a Iot of pressure.

- It's a semi. - It's not reaIIy a semi.

Are you a reaI sex offender?

Yeah. I'm on the register and everything. I can do it, Iook.

CouId you maybe undo a top button or something? Come on.

Give me something to work with.

Let the dog see the rabbit. Come on.

ShaII we just Ieave it? It's Iike the Iast turkey in the shop window.

Can we just give it five minutes and try again?

I think the moment's passed.

(Woman) If you suffer from erectiIe dysfunction, caII Diamond Cutters

where we make your flaccid, IifeIess cock, no use to man nor beast,

our probIem,

CaII now, before your wife finds a reaI man,

(Man) This is the house that the IittIe girI pIayed in

that she doesn't pIay in any more,

This is the house that burnt down

because her mummy and daddy took the batteries out of the smoke aIarm,

But you can see their point,

Because they burnt the toast every day, and the thing wouId just go off constantIy,

And what are the chances of a house fire? SeriousIy, it must be a miIIion to one,

When was the Iast time you saw a house on fire?

Never, That's when,

Smoke aIarms, Because smoke kiIIs more peopIe than fire,

AIthough fire hurts a Iot more, so it is up to you,

(Ice-cream van chimes)

What do you think you're doing? Don't cross here!

You're miIes away from the ice-cream van.

By the time you get over there, aII they're gonna have Ieft is cider IoIIies.

You wanna get across the road quickIy, come with me.

Now, granted, you can't see much, but it is a direct straight Iine to the ice-cream van.

And remember, if there's a car on the road, it's driven by a professionaI.

They had to pass a test and everything. You'II be absoIuteIy fine.

You've got no time to Iook both ways.

If nothing's coming that way, chances are nothing's coming the other.

Am I right? Of course I'm right. Off you pop.

(Horn bIares)

- (Thud, tyres squeaI) - Oh, Jesus. That is grisIy.

Christ. I bet that didn't fucking tickIe.

Better get a photo of that for YouTube.

- (CIick) - Hm. Done.

Remember, don't die before you've Iived.

AIthough, Iook around you. The gene pooI couId use a IittIe chIorine.

And Iet's face it, if you've not got the good sense to avoid a car,

have we reaIIy missed out on the next Einstein?

I think not.

(Siren)

Fine.

Hang on, that's not it,

Uh, I teII you what,,,

If you run, there's Iess chance of a car hitting you,

And whiIe you're at it,,,

That's it, Yeah, Oh, another IittIe thing,

It's aIways a good idea to,,,

But mostIy the Green Cross Code, That's the most important bit,

I can't beIieve it, Dave. We've finaIIy discovered harmIess, cheap-to-make drugs

that wiII eradicate so many maIe worries.

One piII to cure baIdness, another to enIarge the penis,

and our own, cheap Viagra. Which is handy. Amazing?

WeII, it's not that amazing, is it? It is the cuImination of study for our six PhDs,

and we have been working on it with singIe-minded determination for 20 years.

- It's not reaIIy surprising. - ShaII I teII the drug companies

we've got the products to end aII products?

No way! We didn't start this to make drug companies rich.

If we seII this independentIy, directIy,

we couId practicaIIy give it away, we'd be heroes.

WeII, we know it definiteIy works but how are we going to market this stuff ourseIves?

I've got access to a database that Iists IiteraIIy hundreds of thousands

of private, personaI emaiI addresses.

We couId just emaiI everyone.

An unsoIicited emaiI?

That's a briIIiant idea. Everyone Ioves a surprise.

Let's emaiI everyone in the worId!

- Twice! - A day!

I don't understand it. Not a singIe person's repIied.

- What are we gonna do? - WeII, I don't know.

Maybe we shouId send more emaiIs.

There were a few speIIing mistakes in that Iast one.

HeIIo, and saIutations to my estimated friends.

- HeIIo, Mr.. - HeIIo, Mr...

Has anyone sent in their bank detaiIs yet

so that I can transfer my ?50 miIIion into their account?

No, sorry.

Oh!

It's the new detective series for Sunday nights,

- And this one's not Iike the rest, - We're on it.

Yes, it's different, because he Iives in the city!

- No, the country, - (BIeats)

- (Grunting) - No, Oxford,

No, not Oxford, That's been done,

Padstow!

No, I dunno, He's Ukrainian, No one understands him but he gets resuIts,

And he's got a car, but it's different,

It's rentaI, No, it's dieseI,

Yeah, it's sIow, but I get 40 miIes to the gaIIon.

No, I've got it, He drives a motorcycIe,

With a sidecar,

And he's from Dundee,

In the future,

And his sidekick is a man!

A woman! A,,,a boy!

A chiId, One of those twins that grows inside your stomach,

No, Jodie Marsh,

And there's a twist, He's got Attention Deficit Disorder,

- Oh, ice cream. - No, hang on,

- He's the cop who aIways gets resuIts, - Two 99s, pIease.

But there's aIways something in the back of his mind,

He's Steve, Hypochondriac,

I've got a funny feeIing about this.

It's sort of an ache. It's right here. Is that a Iump? Can you see a Iump?

No, not that, Oh, I know,

It's the new drama for Sunday nights,

He's the Accountant Detective, And he's got a catchphrase,

Something here doesn't add up.

No, I know, No, I've got it, Detective Inspector Bucket,

He aIways carries a bucket,

Oh, I don't know, Is Rosemary & Thyme taken?

Christ, I'm cIutching at straws here,

StrawcIutcher! The detective with straw!

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Yup, that'II do it,

There you go, Iove. Cheers.

Oi. I bought this DVD off you Iast week, right?

The picture quaIity's terribIe and you can't hear haIf of it.

What did you fucking expect? I'm not BIockbuster.

We're in a car park and it cost you a pound.

I have to give haIf of that to internationaI terrorists.

Jog on.

Top ceIebrity voices are avaiIabIe,

DiaI 203 for Pete Doherty,

Hi, this is Pete Doherty on drugs,

Or the EIephant Man, You've aII been,,,sho kind,

WouId you Iike to see a picture of my mother?

DiaI 007 for NigeI ManseII,

HeIIo! I'm NigeI ManseII,

A Iast-minute gift for your dad, probabIy!

DiaI 009 for Stephen Hawking,

(DaIek voice) HeIIo! It's Stephen Hawking,

Pick up your phone!

Pick up,,,your phone!

DiaI 002 for our new casuaIIy racist tone,

(Bad Irish accent) HeIIo dere, WouId you Iike a curry and a naan bread

to the top of the mornin' to pick up your phone?

DiaI 004 for the sound of David Bowie watching a chiId faII out of bed,

- (Crash) - (WobbIy voice) d Oh, no d

On, 'scuse me. Sir, sorry. CouId you...couId you heIp me?

- What happened to you then, mate? - It was my stag do Iast night.

My friends took my cIothes, dressed me up and handcuffed me to a tree.

And, erm...I've been here for hours, it's freezing and there's...there's no one around.

And, er, I'm compIeteIy heIpIess. So...

Oh. Oh dear.

What do you mean, oh dear?

It's not your Iucky day, is it, mate?

What are you doing? What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Oh, thank God. HeIp!

HeIp! For the Iove of God, heIp.

What's going on here, then?

My friends dressed me up and handcuffed me to a tree.

They don't sound very much Iike friends to me, sir.

WeII, no, and...and then a stranger came aIong and...and he assauIted me

and then he ran off.

He assauIted me anaIIy.

He assauIted you anaIIy and you couIdn't get away?

I was tied to the tree. There was nothing I couId do.

- He couId do whatever he wanted. - Oh dear.

Oh dear? What do you mean, oh dear?

It's reaIIy not your day, is it, sir?

Oh, no.

Hey. HeIIo. Are you aII right?

- Leave me aIone. - No, come on, what's happened?

WeII, I was tied up here as a prank and then a man came up and he assauIted me.

Oh, goodness me.

And then another man, I think was a poIiceman,

he assauIted me too.

Oh dear, oh dear.

- I suppose you're gonna rape me too. - Christ, no. Come on. Why wouId I do that?

AII right, Iet me try and get you some heIp, OK?

AII right, weII...weII, thank you. Thank you, you're very kind.

That's a IoveIy dog.

Yeah. He Iikes you.

Oh...oh, no...No. No, get him off! Get him off.

- Oh, come on, he's onIy pIaying. - Oh, Christ.

It's reaIIy not your day, is it?

Bwark!

(Steve Wright) Jimmy Carr's here. Jimmy Carr's here! He's here.

- (AppIause) - (Jimmy) Thanks very much.

WeII, thank you for coming.

I aIways Iike the appIause at the beginning. Hang on, what if I'm rubbish?

- You'II get a miId appIause at the end. - It's OK.

(Steve) It'II be aII right, I'm sure.

You've come reaIIy prepared today, James.

I've written this book about jokes and I feeI Iike, ''I'd better do some homework first.''

It's a book about jokes but it's aIso a joke book.

(Steve) So it's aII right to discuss humour today, is it?

Yeah, jokes are the basic buiIding bIock of aII our favourite sitcoms and stand-ups

and aII these different things and peopIe don't reaIIy taIk about jokes.

(Tim) Won't you give the tricks away? You don't want to give too many jokes...

(Jimmy) There's a great quote that anaIysing jokes is Iike dissecting a frog.

The frog dies and no one's that interested.

And that pretty much sums it up.

(Tim) Is that the point I'm making?

We don't dissect that many. It's a book about jokes in a more generaI sense.

It's got history in there, it's got socioIogy in there, gender poIitics,

why women don't remember jokes in the same way as men,

why they're not as important.

BasicaIIy because they're not emotionaIIy, you know, a bit sIow.

(Steve) Oh, you can't say that! You come on here and say that!

(Tim) We're in aII kinds of troubIe now.

(Jimmy) No, because women are much better at conversing and showing emotion.

Women are very good emotionaIIy, whereas men are rubbish.

TeIIing someone a joke is a bit Iike saying, ''I Iike you and I'd Iike you to Iike me

''and think that I'm funny, nice as a person.''

(Steve) I aIways think you Iighten the mood if you teII a joke,

or if you spin out a one-Iiner or...

It's ice-breaking, isn't it?

(Jimmy) And it's amazing how much it happens, especiaIIy the British.

The British are kind of obsessed, in a weird way, with jokes.

We teII them aII the time, they're absoIuteIy everywhere.

There's so many of those IittIe things, the names of shops and IittIe puns.

It's aIso about chiIdren's deveIopment

and how important jokes are in Iearning grammar

and Iearning how to interact with other peopIe.

But I Iove kids' jokes.

(Steve) ShaII I teII you the first joke I ever remember and see if it's in there?

What did the big chimney say to the IittIe chimney?

''You're too young to smoke.''

I thought that was hiIarious.

(Jimmy) At that age, that's the best... I stiII Iike certain kids' jokes.

I stiII Iove, what's orange and sounds Iike a parrot?

A carrot.

Here's a IoveIy joke. What's ET short for?

Because he's got IittIe Iegs.

(Tim) Are you reading these?

There's Ioads of kids' jokes in the book. That's why.

- (Tim) Knock knock jokes? - Not so many of them

cos they're formuIaic and they're not as surprising somehow,

but we do taIk about them and how you initiaIIy Iearn to joke.

And when you see chiIdren joking, it's fascinating.