Original subtitles

I'll take the first section if you're finished with it, dear.

I said I'll take the first section.

The woman's page?

Society news?

The used car section.

How about the classified, I'm looking for a new husband.

Hello?

Hello, what?

Oh, it's nice to have you back.

Sorry, honey.

I was just reading this awful article by Beverly King.

Oh, who did she have in the fire this week?

Billy Gordon.

You know, the comic?

Fire is right.

She'd toast him like he was a marshmallow.

Listen to this.

The other day I had lunch with funny man, Billy Gordon.

A lavish lunch, during the course of which

he sprayed folding money around to the waiter,

captain, and hat checker like a farmer selling wheat.

And I insisted he take me to his home.

We were met at the door by his wife.

She had on the newest dress Billy had bought for,

obviously to wear at a party celebrating

Roosevelt's inauguration.

Awful.

Well get this.

Billy's son, Ronnie, had to leave in a big hurry.

Seems a friend was going to let him

borrow his bicycle for an hour.

She's got borrow underlined.

Apparently Mr Gordon's considerable success

is not shared with his family.

Capsule comment, "Mr. Gordon is a funny man."

Funny spelled P-H-O-N-E-Y.

That's an awful thing to write about a man.

But he does sound rather frugal.

Oh, frugal my foot.

He was brought up with nothing.

A poor kid from a poor family, so he

knows the value of the dollar.

Well if he knows the value of the dollar,

why doesn't he know it with bell boys,

waiters and hat check girls?

That's different, honey.

He's in the public eye!

He's got to put up a front.

After all, he doesn't want to be known as a tight wad.

But he's a good guy, no kidding.

He's helped many who have fell off the ladder,

including yours truly.

He got me a job when I first came to this town.

Look he's a little tight with his family, that's

the only weakness in his character.

And that's Beverly King's specialty,

finding the weak spot.

Yeah.

I'd sure hate to have her go to work on me, boy.

Shoo.

She could never find anything derogatory to say about you.

Oh, baby.

Anybody could nail anybody down if that's

what they set out to do.

In our business, you got to keep your guard up all the time.

Yes, and Beverly King has a pretty nasty typewriter.

Yeah, it should be washed out with soap.

Oh, daddy.

Yes, sweetheart.

Can I talk to you a minute?

Why, of course, darling.

What do you want to talk about?

Why don't you sit down and make yourself nice and comfy?

All right.

Well.

Is that all right?

Why, that's perfect.

I never got such service in my whole life.

Should I bring your slippers?

My slippers?

Oh no, dear.

I'm going out in a little while.

You could put them in your pocket and take them with you.

That won't be necessary, darling.

You're so handsome, Daddy.

No, wait a minute.

Before you strain your eyelids, let's get one thing straight.

You are not going to get your own TV

set for your very own room.

Do you understand?

Now, do you still think I'm a handsome man?

Oh you just make me so mad.

Hi, Daddy.

Hello, Son.

How you feeling?

I feel fine. How are you?

Fine.

Sit down.

Make yourself comfortable.

There.

How's that feel?

Holy smoke, they're unionized.

Now, what do you want?

A motor scooter.

A motor scooter?

Get lost.

Are you out of your cotton picking mind or something?

You're not getting any motor scooter.

But Daddy!

Jerry Dratler's got one, why can't I have one?

I don't care what Jerry Dratler's got,

you're not going to get a motor scooter.

And what is it with you two today?

Gimme, gimme, gimme.

You know there are some things you have to do without.

You got to learn that sometimes, in your lifetime,

you're going to have to do without something.

Can't I have the television set and do without something else?

Like what?

You can have my toothbrush back.

Thanks.

Daddy, look at this picture.

You get 60 miles to the gallon and it only has two wheels.

Look at all the money you'll save on tires.

Thanks for saving me the money, but you're not getting it.

Two wheels or no wheels.

Where do you intend to ride this scooter?

On the west side highway?

Daddy, you don't have to ride it in the city.

Jerry's dad takes him out in the country every weekend

to ride his scooter.

You see, his father loves his little boy.

While I'm spending the weekends with you

in the country riding scooters, who's going

to be doing my act at the club?

OK.

If your jobs more important than your only son,

who needs fresh air and sunshine, who's

pale little face grows thinner and more unhealthy everyday,

who may go long before his time because he needs

to be out in the country where there's

fresh air and the bright sun.

Come on, Linda, we'll never get anywhere with this man.

He's got a heart like an ice cube.

That's not true, he's sweet and kind, and I love him.

Well thank you, sweetheart.

Now do I get the television set?

No!

We'll never get anywhere with that man.

Anybody home?

Oh hi, Liz.

Hi, Dan.

How ya' feeling?

I feel fine, honey. How are you?

Sit down, Dan.

Make yourself comfortable.

How's that?

I see you paid your union dues, too.

What are you talking about?

What do you want?

What?

Wait.

Let's see now.

I know you've got your own television set.

And for a motor scooter.

I give up.

What do you want?

Well, now listen, Dan.

You know, as your press agent, I have to do some things,

whether I like them or not.

Hi, Liz.

Oh, hi, Kathy.

My, you look well!

Oh, you're up early.

Had you had your breakfast.

Don't be too free with the hospitality

till you find out why I'm here.

Oh?

What's the matter, Liz?

Something wrong?

Well--

Come on.

Tell me.

Well, now, don't rush me.

I'll tell you.

Just remember now, this is something I had to do.

You're not gonna like it.

In fact, you're gonna get mad.

Why are you crying before you get hurt?

Look, with you and me, it's never

been employer and employee. you know that mother.

We're pals.

Look, there's something you had to do.

Let's not make a federal case of it.

I'll understand, no matter what it is.

Now, what did you do?

Well-- well--

All we do is get as far as "well" here.

What are you thinking about?

Say it.

Well, how bad could it be?

I mean, you're acting like you got me an interview

with Beverly King or something.

You didn't.

Elizabeth Margaret O'Neil, you didn't.

Now, Dan, you said you'd understand.

Oh, I do.

I do understand. -You do?

Yes, and now there's something you've gotta understand.

You're fired!

Oh, Danny, what could I do?

When she wants to do a story, she doesn't ask you.

She tells you.

And if you don't cooperate, she'll murder you.

And if I do cooperate, she'll murder me.

Oh, sweetheart, you've got nothing to hide.

I know I've got nothing to hide,

and she's a cinch to find it.

Look, honey, this woman searches till she finds something,

and it won't be hard to find something with me.

I'm loud and hot-headed.

Unfair to press agents.

Don't help me, huh?

You got me into this mess, you're getting me out of it.

I can't, Danny.

It's too late.

She's coming in Chicago just for this story.

She arrives tomorrow.

-She arrives tomorrow? -Yeah.

I'm packing.

I'm leaving tonight.

No.

You're just being silly.

Why don't you relax and be yourself?

Didn't I just read to you how she murdered

that poor Billy Gordon?

Well, we're a different family than Billy Gordon.

I didn't get these clothes for Roosevelt's inauguration,

and Rusty already has a bicycle.

So why get so upset?

Well, all right.

Bring her to the club after the late show,

and I'll give her 15, 20 minutes.

Oh, well, I'm afraid you'll have to give her a little more

time than that.

OK an hour.

More than that.

What does she want, a whole day?

Well, no.

I should hope not.

A whole week.

You look just fine.

And you too, Rusty.

Gosh, Kathy, why do we have to get all dressed up?

She's smearing Dad, not us.

Rusty, you have to dress right to make

an impression on Miss King.

There she is.

Now, remember, I went you to behave like little ladies

and gentlemen.

Hi, Kathy.

Hi.

Miss Beverly King, Mrs. Williams.

I'm very happy to meet you.

Thank you.

Not everybody is.

Your brood?

Oh yes.

This is Linda and Rusty.

Did you really fly all the way from Chicago on a broom?

Linda, please.

But daddy said--

I know, darling.

Why don't you come over here.

That's good.

I'm sorry, Miss King.

Oh, that's all right.

It's nice to know my column's so widely read.

Liz, I thought you said there were three of them.

Oh.

Oh, Terri, our older daughter, is away for the weekend.

You're occupying her room.

Won't you please sit down and make yourself comfortable?

Thank you.

Well, where is my target for tonight?

Oh, I don't know.

Daddy just called.

He'll be here any minute now.

Miss King, if you would care to get started on your article,

I can give you a son's eye view.

Rusty, why don't you help me take Miss King's bags upstairs?

Come along, Linda.

You too.

Nice children, aren't they?

Oh yes.

Think you're going to love it here.

I know you'll be very comfortable.

I'm awfully sorry I have to run, Beverly.

But I just wanna tell you this.

Danny's a wonderful guy, and I know you're gonna

love doing this story on him.

I'm sure I will, Liz.

Yeah.

Listen, Beverly, I'm not asking you

to throw the game or anything, but give him a break, huh?

Oh, look, Liz.

I don't enjoy taking people apart, you know?

It's just, I don't like phonies.

Well, one thing's for sure.

Whatever else he is, Danny's no phony.

I know.

It's why I'm here.

Come again? ?

I wanted a chance to write something nice for a change.

Everybody says that Danny's a real honest to goodness

guy with no hypocrisy, no phoniness.

So that being the case, there's nothing to worry about from me.

You mean you're gonna write a nice story about him?

I came here to write a nice story about a nice guy.

And I'm very happy about the assignment.

Oh boy, does that take a load off my mind.

I can go about my business with a free conscience.

Kathy, I've gotta run.

Oh, Liz, aren't you gonna wait for Danny?

I have to catch a train to Philadelphia

for that foreign correspondents' dinner.

Oh.

Oh, hi.

Hi, Liz. Where are you rushing off to?

I have to catch a train to Philadelphia,

but I leave you in good hands.

Miss Beverly King, Danny Williams!

Stay as sweet as you are.

Thank you.

Just be yourself.

Don't have to tell me that.

I'm always myself.

Well, well, well, isn't this something,

that our humble home is graced by the presence

of my favorite columnist.

Welcome to our house.

It's so nice to have you here.

Oh, darling, some things for you, sweetheart.

Thank you, dear.

A box of delicious candy and some flowers, as always.

And this is for you, my pet.

And for my big boy, Russell, all right?

Daddy, aren't you a little mixed up on your dates?

What?

Well, Christmas has passed.

It's nobody's birthday, and--

I know, sweetheart.

I do.

I guess I'm just like any other father,

over-indulgent when it comes to the kiddies.

I'll go put these go put these flowers in water.

Excuse me.

Oh, dear, I'll put them, dear.

We'll put them in the vase right here.

We'll just take out the ones I brought you yesterday.

Not putting out flowers the way they used to.

I'll get the dust pan.

Gee, she just loves candy, my wife, and flowers, oh, flowers.

I always see that she has fresh flowers.

Matter of fact, when I'm on the road, I wire her some.

I suppose you wanna find out all about us.

I intend to.

Well, what would you like me to tell you.

Well, before you tell me anything, why don't you

just go about your normal lives, and let

me sit here and observe.

Say, that's a splendid idea.

Children, we'll just make believe Miss King is not here,

and we'll live our normal lives.

OK. Come on, Linda.

We'll put on our old clothes again.

Russ!

Funny.

That's funny, isn't it?

He always-- he's working up a little comedy routine 'cause

he wants to follow in his father's footsteps.

Yes, sir. Well, go ahead, kids.

Go on. Go along.

Open up your presents, and we'll have our story a little later.

Story hour?

Yeah, you know.

I always devote an hour each evening telling

fairy tales to the children.

What story would you like to hear tonight?

I kind of like the one you just told.

Honey, aren't you a little bit ashamed of the impression

you're making on the children?

DANNY: What impression?

Well, sweetheart, do you think it's a good idea to have

them see you behave this way?

Look, I issue you that they are thinking

of nothing except the presents they're getting.

I hope you're right.

Believe me, I know I'm right.

Look, honey, I don't like working on this act

anymore than you like seeing it.

But I've got to do it.

I can't help myself.

All right, dear.

Now, everything will be all right.

Don't worry.

Now, you sleep in late tomorrow, and I'll

get up and fix breakfast again.

Oh, honey. Have it your way.

Are you going to fix waffles again tomorrow?

Yeah, did you like my waffles.

They were delicious.

You know, they're much better than mine?

Oh, thank you, dear.

-What's your recipe? -Huh?

How do you make your waffles?

How do I make 'em?

Uh-huh.

Well, first I have a-- well, I take a glass of orange juice.

And then I take up of black coffee.

For waffles?

No, for me, to get my eyes open.

Then?

And then I take the telephone and call Lindy's and tell 'em

to send up waffles.

Danny Williams.

Look, all is fair in love, war, and interviews.

And as long as that woman is in this house,

I am gonna do everything I can to make an impression on her.

Don't you think you'd make a much better impression

if you'd just be yourself?

Sweetheart, let's just do it my way, huh?

I got her wrapped around my little finger.

She is downstairs right now, pounding out a story

for her millions of readers, telling them

that Danny Williams is without a doubt the most

sincere, honest, lovable, and thoughtful character

she's ever met.

Danny Williams is without a doubt, the biggest

phony I've ever met.

Sure, I'm disappointed, Ed.

Here, I picked the one guy I thought I could write

a nice column about, and he turns out to be the biggest tin

horn of the lot.

Oh, now, look, you know me, Ed.

I don't care what kind of a guy he is, as long as he says,

I am what I am.

Take it or leave it.

And when he turns out to be a great, big phony,

I'm not-- huh?

Uh, no, I'll bring this one in personally.

It'll be too hot for the mails to handle.

Come and see what Daddy's got for all of you.

There you are.

Russ, that-- that's for you.

And this is for you, sweetheart.

And for baby Linda.

Another present?

Golly.

Uh-huh.

Gee, Daddy, couldn't you skip one day?

I think I'm losing my enthusiasm.

Funny line, isn't it?

I tell you, he's gonna take after his father.

Let me write that down.

Well, kids, run along.

Come on.

Go and open your presents, have a good time.

What don't you open your gift, dear?

Oh, cool.

A squirt gun!

I'm gonna fill it full of ink and let

that smarty Steve have it right in her face, nice black ink.

I got a bubble pipe.

I begged for one of these for months,

but Kathy always said she didn't want me squirting

water around the house.

And Daddy said I was too young to smoke.

Linda, I don't think we're making

the most of this opportunity.

What?

Well, the only reason Daddy brings home presents every day

is because he wants that lady reporter

to write nice things about him.

Well, isn't that all right?

Sure, but we don't have to settle for this chicken feed.

Let's hit him for something big.

It's not nice to hit your father.

I don't mean hit him, silly.

I mean, make him give us things we really want,

like a motor-scooter.

And even my own TV set?

Right.

It can't miss.

Now, here's the way we work it.

I'm not up on the new songs, but here's

a great oldie I kinda like.

(SINGING): What'll I do when you are far away, and I am loo?

What'll I do?

What'll I do when I am wondering who is kissing you?

Linda, Linda, Linda, dear, Linda, dear.

Linda, listen to Daddy.

You mustn't disturb Daddy.

I wouldn't have to disturb you, Daddy, if I had my own TV set.

Well, dear, you mustn't-- mustn't interrupt Daddy.

Now, don't be rude now.

Linda, I'm surprised at you!

You want to give Miss King a bad impression?

Daddy wouldn't like that.

He wouldn't want her to get a bad impression about anybody in

the family, would you, Daddy?

No, of course.

Of course, I wouldn't

Course he wouldn't.

You see, Miss King?

I know my father.

I know him better than anybody else in the whole world.

So if you want to know anything about him, just ask me.

Yeah, Russ, why don't you take Linda and go out and play, huh?

You know, Linda, I know Daddy's gonna get you a television set,

just like I know he's gonna get me a motor-scooter.

'Cause he knows they'll make us happy.

He wouldn't want Miss King to write her article that we're

unhappy because you don't have a television set

and I don't have a motor-scooter to ride out

in the sunshine and fresh air so I can get some color

in my pale little cheeks.

So your sister's going to get a television set,

and you are going to get a motor-scooter, huh?

Right, isn't that so, Daddy?

No, it's not so.

Oh?

And don't worry about getting color

in your pale little cheeks.

You're gonna get plenty of color,

but not where you expect it.

You wouldn't want Miss King to think you're stingy, would you?

Go to your room.

You two, go on.

I'm ashamed of you!

And I'm more ashamed of myself.

Look, Miss King, I didn't mind putting on an act

to get a few kind words in your column,

but when my kids start acting like a couple of blackmailers,

then the act has gone far enough!

Now, Danny, calm down.

What calm down?

So she came here to find out about Danny Williams?

Well, she's gonna find out.

I happen to be a loud, inconsiderate man!

I very rarely come home loaded down with gifts.

If anything, I come home loaded down with complaints,

like any other husband, only worse.

And I do not bring my children presents excepting

on Christmas, on their birthdays,

and after they've been spanked.

Yeah.

When they get outta line, I whack 'em back into line.

That's the way my father brought me up,

and that's the way I'm bringing my children up,

and I'm apologizing to nobody for it!

Danny, stop it.

Really, Miss King, he's the nicest guy in the world.

Why do you have to make a monster out of yourself?

I'd rather be a monster than a weak-kneed jellyfish.

And you know I can't stand acting like this any longer.

So go on. Tell her.

Tell her everything.

She should know a lot about me. Go on.

Tell her how I snore.

Oh, you don't snore!

That proves I'm a hypocrite, because I'd like to snore!

That's what I'm gonna do from now on.

Go ahead, kid.

Sharpen up your fangs and have yourself a ball.

Two days' work shot to pieces.

You're not gonna write about him.

Thank goodness.

Oh, I'm gonna write about him, all right.

Not about that Danny Williams, about the one I just met.

Happy to know you, Mr. Williams.

Thanks.

I'll get on the story tomorrow morning, right after breakfast.

Breakfast, we gonna have some more those wonderful waffles

tomorrow?

Look, about those waffles.

Darling, now that we're back to normal,

why you can sleep late tomorrow.

I'll get up and fix breakfast.

Oh, why don't you both sleep late.

I'll get up early.

I can call Lindy's myself.

I've gotta find it, Linda.

I've gotta find that water pistol.

If Daddy finds out it's loaded with ink, he'll murder me!

What are you looking for, children?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

We're just playing.

Come on, Linda.

Honey, how soon for dinner?

Oh, pretty soon, darling.

How's the article coming?

Article?

That's no article, honey.

It's a attribute she's writing.

See how much better it is to be yourself

than putting on an act?

Well, like the man says, honey, you live and learn.

Mhm.

I wish you'd learn not to give the children

such dangerous toys.

What's so dangerous about those toys?

Ah, well, honey, fingerpaints for Linda?

Do you know that, to Linda, fingerpaints

means painting everything she can get her fingers on?

Herself, the walls, other people?

All right, all right. So?

It washes off.

And a water pistol for Rusty?

Really?

What's the matter with that?

What's the matter with that?

Well, it's a very dangerous weapon in Rusty's hands.

A water pistol?

Yes.

So he squirts somebody?

There's a big deal.

So they get a little water on them.

That's nothing. It isn't gonna hurt anything.

Well, I don't wanna quarrel with you, honey.

I'm not quarreling about it, dear.

So you get a little water on you.

Here, go ahead. Squirt me.

Oh,

I want you to squirt me.

So I'll get a little wet. So what?

I won't drown.

I assure you, I won't catch pneumonia.

It's nothing dangerous. Go ahead.

Squirt me. Go ahead.

Go on, huh?

Oh, honey, I just feel ridiculous.

Please, squirt me, will you?

Come on!

I don't want to.

I'll squirt you, then.

No, Danny, don't you dare!

I'll squirt myself.

There, there, there, there.

All over, there.

Big deal.

I got a little water on me, squirted a little water.

So what?

I struck oil!

Rusty!