Original subtitles

KATHY: Since you're the head of my side of the family,

and Uncle Tonoose is the head of Danny's side of the family,

we thought it was time you two met.

Well, fine. Fine.

Sort of bring the family closer together.

-Good. -Shall we leave it right here?

Yes, I'll take care of it later.

What's this?

Oh, uh, the spare bed.

We thought you two could share this room.

And that way, you'd get to know each other better.

Oh.

What kind of a guy is this Tonoose?

Oh, Dad, you're just going to love him.

As a matter of fact, in a lot of ways, he's just like you.

Like me?

Mhm.

He's got a wonderful sense of humor.

He's wise and he's understanding.

Yeah, I can see the resemblance.

Yeah.

I know what I'm talking about.

Just wait till you meet him.

You're going to love him.

Must be quite a fellow, this father-in-law he's of yours.

Oh, he is quite a-- as a matter of fact, he's just like you.

Like me?

No, really, just like you.

Stubborn, strong, bullheaded.

Sweet.

Sweet?

You, sweet?

OK, you're sweet. Kathy!

KATHY: Mhm? -Kathy!

He's here.

Hello, Uncle Tonoose.

It's good to see you.

Oh, Uncle Tonoose!

Rusty, ah.

Linda, .

Hello, Uncle Tonoose.

Dad, I guess you know by now, this is Uncle Tonoose.

Glad to know you, Uncle Tonoose.

Is great pleasure to meet the father of wife of my nephew.

Children, take Uncle Tonoose's bag upstairs.

We thought you two could share the guest room,

if that's all right with you?

All right?

That's perfect.

We talk a little bit, get to know each other better.

Huh?

Yeah, fine.

You play pinochle?

Play pinochle?

MR. DALY: Yeah.

In Toledo, they call me Tonoose,

the pinochle-playing tiger.

They do, huh?

Well, when I get through with you,

they'll be calling you Tonoose, the pinochle-playing pussycat.

I like him.

I like him.

Yeah, that man, I like.

Ow!

You don't have to like him so hard.

He's not so bad himself, is he, Kathy?

I told you, Dad.

Then where is it?

What?

Where are your manners?

We are meeting for the first time.

We're going to have a drink. Where is the wine?

You and your tradition.

I got it, ready.

Aha, now I know I'm going to like you.

I've got it right here, the wine.

You know, I'm really very, very happy about this meeting.

I don't mind telling you, I was a little bit nervous.

You were?

Why, nervous?

Well, you know how it is.

I mean, after all, in-laws meeting for the first time,

one side, always thinking they're

better than the other side. You know.

That's silly.

It sure is.

Anyhow, I was nervous.

But now I see there was no need for the nervousness.

I want to drink to today.

This is a great occasion for me.

I mean, here we are, two factions

becoming one, under one roof.

And I just got to say, this is the luckiest day of my life.

Hold it, hold it.

No, Danny, this isn't the luckiest day of your life.

DANNY: Huh?

No.

The day you met Kathy was.

Well, I'll drink to that.

Hey.

It was luckiest day of Kathy's life.

Oh, I'll drink to that.

Now, wait a minute.

Wait.

Nuh-uh.

I couldn't drink to that.

No.

You don't think Kathy was lucky, meeting my Daniel?

No, not nearly as lucky as your Danny was to meet my Kathy.

Oh now, Dad, stop it.

Well, it's true.

Well, look at this woman.

She's beautiful.

Why, he ought to get down on its knees every night

and thank heaven he got a woman like her.

Well, I'll certainly drink to that, then.

Well, wait a minute.

Mr. Daly?

Yeah?

Back in Toledo is maybe 100 women.

They are dying to marry with my Danny.

Real women, with fronts, with backs.

Not skinny sticks like your Kathy.

Skinny sticks?

Well, for your information, your Danny

is lucky to get a woman of any kind!

He figured to wind up with an anteater, like himself!

Dad!

Stop it!

You call him anteater?

Yeah.

He's more like bull. Look at him--

Oh, dear. - --big, strong man.

Good provider.

He don't beat his wife.

She lucky to get him.

Why, men like my Daniel don't grow on trees.

No.

They just swing from them!

You want me to drink with that man?

Nah, I wouldn't drink with you, you camel jockey!

You--

Camel jockey?

horse thief!

I wouldn't sleep in the same room with you!

Ah, who cares?

I will not sleep in that room.

I will not!

I need Rusty!

RUSTY: Yes, Uncle Tonoose?

You bring that bed.

I'll put in your room.

I'm going to sleep with you.

But Uncle Tonoose, you snore!

Do what I tell you!

I snore.

Is good thing when man snores.

Show that I'm honest man.

Man don't snore shows he's sneaky sleeper.

Oh.

Oh.

Well, that certainly turned out swell.

Yeah, just peachy dandy.

Peachy dandy.

Why is it every time your father opens his mouth,

he puts his foot in it?

What?

Up to his knee.

Well, is that so?

Yeah, and you didn't help the situation either, you know?

Well, what was I supposed to do?

Like any other loyal wife, you're supposed to come

to the defense of your husband!

Why didn't you say something when your father

called me an anteater?

Well, of all the one-sided-- I didn't

see you jump to my defense when your uncle

said I was a skinny stick!

What'd you want me to say, you're a fat stick?

I didn't want you to say anything.

You started this.

You said, I didn't come to your defense.

Well, it was your place to come to my defense.

You don't have to raise your voice to me.

This is my house, and I'll raise my voice all I want to.

Well, it's my house too.

And I don't like it!

All right, Madam, I'll relieve you of the annoying company!

KATHY: Danny Williams, where do you think you're going?

What's the difference where I'm going?

I'm just going.

If you leave this house, you don't need

to think I'll chase after you.

That suits me fine.

Oh!

Danny!

Danny!

Oh, honey.

What are we doing?

I don't know.

Fighting over those two old buzzards.

Pretty ridiculous.

Yeah, it sure is.

What are we going to do about them?

I don't know, honey.

But we got to do something.

Or this is going to be a miserable weekend.

Well, whatever happens between them,

we can't let it affect us.

Certainly not.

Oh.

DANNY: Hey.

Hmm?

-I got it. -What?

That's it.

-We'll have a fight. -What?

What do you mean?

A knocked out, dragged-out fight.

Why?

Don't you see, honey, if those two crows think that they're

breaking us up, why, then they'll

straighten up and fly right.

Oh, come on now.

They couldn't break us up.

I know they can't, sweetheart.

But let's make them think they can.

Oh, well, how can we do that?

By putting on an act.

You go in and tell your father we had a fight.

That you agree with him, you're too good for me.

I'll go in and ham it up for my uncle.

That way they'll straighten out.

You know, that's a very clever idea.

What do you think, you married a dummy?

No, I think I married a pretty nice guy.

Loud, but nice.

Then I even told her off too.

You told her off?

You bet I did, thanks to you.

You're blaming me, huh?

I'm not blaming you.

I'm saying thank you.

You thanking me, for what?

For opening my eyes.

If you hadn't paid us this visit,

I'd have never known what kind of a woman I married.

She's just like her father-- ungrateful, selfish, disloyal!

And so I have you to thank, Dad, for opening my eyes.

And if you think I'm going to stay in the same house

with a woman who lets her father talk like that

to my favorite uncle about his favorite nephew,

then you don't know your favorite nephew.

Come on, let's pack up and get out of here.

Nephew, you're going away from your wife?

Yeah, you and me and Rusty. We're getting out.

-Now-- -Don't just stand there.

Come on.

Daniel!

What?

You know, everybody in the whole world,

once in his lifetime, be a little bit wrong.

Even me.

Oh now, honey, don't you think you're carrying

this thing a little too far?

Nope.

Oh you know, come to think of it, his nose is kind of cute.

Now, Daniel, I tell you, it was my fault. Was all my fault.

It was not your fault.

Don't argue with your uncle.

You're not so big I can't still hit you on the head.

Was my fault.

Don't say that.

How can you say that?

I say anything to make peace between you and your wife.

Oh.

Well, you know what that means?

It means you'd-- you'd have to apologize to Mr. Daly.

And I know you wouldn't want to do that.

Don't tell me what I wouldn't do!

I do it!

I do it!

Inside I'm going to die a little bit.

But I'll do it.

Come on, I apologize.

That's wonderful.

Now--

Uncle Tonoose?

Dad?

All right.

I apologize.

Well, I apologize.

It was my fault.

Don't tell me whose fault!

It was my fault!

And you going to take, from me, apology!

Now, wait a minute. What do you want to do?

Take all the credit for apologizing?

I tell you, it was my fault.

It was my fault. I apologize to you.

No, I apologize!

What's the difference?

What's the difference?

As long as your friends, what's the difference

who apologized to who?

You're friends, right?

Well, yeah.

All right, friends.

Come on, Danny, and get the wine.

We going to drink another toast.

Yeah.

What do you mean, another toast?

We didn't drink the first one yet.

It's still here.

Rusty!

Yes, Uncle Tonoose?

Bring that bed back into the room of my good friend.

Ha ha! Bring it back.

DANNY: Here you go, sweetheart.

Well, now that we're a happy family again, Uncle Tonoose,

would you propose a toast?

Of course.

May it always be peace and happiness

in the house of my nephew, Daniel, and he wife, Kathy.

Just like it was before Mr. Daly opened his big mouth.

What?

My big mouth?

Why, you knucklehead!

It was you that started the whole ruckus!

All I said, that Kathy was lucky to get my nephew, Daniel,

and that's all.

She's lucky to get that eagle?

Better eagle than beanpole!

Now, wait a minute!

MR. DALY: Beanpole?

Well, for your information, let me

tell you-- put that bed back!

It suits me fine!

I wouldn't drink with you if it was the last thing

I ever did in my life.

If it was the last thing you ever did in your life,

I'd be happy to drink with you!

(SINGING) Can't we talk it over?

Let's talk it over before you tell me we're through.

Can't we sit together and figure whether this

is the right thing to do?

I hate the thought of spending nights

all alone, missing the thrill of nights that we've known.

Can't we talk it over?

Let's talk it over before you whisper goodbye forever.

Let's talk it over, dear.

I hate the thought of spending nights

all alone, missing the thrill that we might have known.

Can't we talk it over?

Let's talk it over before you whisper goodbye forever.

Let's talk it over, dear.

Let's talk it over!

Hey!

Can't we talk it over?

Any sign of them?

No.

I've been serenading them for a half hour,

and neither one of them came out.

Hmm.

Music hath charms to soothe the savage beast.

But it does nothing for our relatives.

Dinner's almost ready.

What am I going to do?

I don't know, sweetheart.

Your father is holed up in one room.

My uncle's locked up in another.

Well, should I send them each a tray in their room?

I should say not.

What do you think we're running here,

a hotel with room service?

They want to eat, they'll come down, eat

with the rest of the family.

Mommy, I've got something for you.

Oh, what is it, honey?

It's a note from Grandpa.

A note from Grandpa?

Oh, that's great.

Listen to this. "What's for dinner?"

You tell that two-legged mule if he wants his oats,

to come down and get him.

No!

That's my father.

You tell Grandpa we'll be very happy if he'll join us

for dinner in about 15 minutes.

I'd rather say the thing about the two-legged mule.

No!

You can't talk to your grandmother that way.

You tell him what I said.

(DISAPPOINTED) OK.

Can't have any fun around here.

I don't like to bring this up, kid.

But you sure some of your ancestors

weren't missing a few marbles?

Oh, Danny.

Isn't that pretty ridiculous?

I mean, sending a note in the same house?

My uncle.

Tonoose has a lot of faults. But--

Message from Uncle Tonoose.

Of course, there's nothing wrong with your family.

Give it here.

Would you mind signing for it first?

Yeah, I would mind signing.

Well, don't I at least get a tip?

Yeah, I'll give you a tip.

Never introduce your uncle to your father-in-law.

Tell me the news from the other front.

Get a load of this. (WITH ACCENT) "Very hungry, nephew.

Send food by bearer of note.

You can trust him.

He is one of us."

He even writes in dialect.

Well, what's the answer?

You can tell him if he's going to be a stubborn old goat,

he can starve to death.

OK, you want this to go as a straight message or write--

Oh, get out of here!

You know, Danny, I think we're going about this all wrong.

You're not going to get anywhere with two hard-headed men

by fighting them.

I know.

What am I going to do?

They're acting like children.

And they're too old to spank.

That's right.

So we're going to have to use a little modern child psychology.

Well, tell me, Dr. Spock, what might that be?

Well, it's really very simple.

Your uncle thinks that I was lucky to get

his darling nephew.

And my father thinks that you were lucky to get

his darling daughter.

So?

So if I tell your uncle that I'm on his side,

that I know how lucky I am to have you,

there's no reason why he should care what my father thinks.

Yeah.

Yeah, then and I can tell your father that I don't

care what my uncle thinks.

And the feathers on those two buzzards

will fall back into place.

Yeah.

Yeah!

Hey, you know something, Clancy?

You're brilliant.

Well, of course.

And to think, I have to lie to your uncle

and tell him I was the lucky one.

Why you--

You mean that you admit that you

are the lucky one to get my beautiful nephew,

Daniel, for husband?

Of course I do.

You know something, Kathy?

Hmm?

You are the nicest, best-looking skinny

stick I ever seen.

So you're willing to stand there

and admit that you were the lucky one

to get my beautiful daughter?

Of course.

And I don't care what my uncle thinks.

And you shouldn't either.

I don't, not anymore.

It's what you think that counts.

And Danny, I'll be happy to make peace with your uncle anytime.

Gee, Dad, thanks.

And Danny?

Hmm?

I'm sorry about all those things I said about your hose.

That's all right, Dad.

It is quite a beak.

Yes, it is.

No, I go further than that.

Any woman who admits what you admit is very unusual womans.

I change my mind.

Daniel in lucky to get you for wife.

And I be happy to make peace with your papa.

Oh, Uncle Tonoose.

You know, Danny, you're a good man.

Yes, sir.

I'm proud to have you for a son-in-law.

My daughter is a lucky girl.

Gee, thanks.

Well, here's to the merging of the two clans,

the Williamses and the Dalys.

May they be one.

One happy family.

And to show the bigness of my heart,

I, Tonoose, am willing to admit that I was wrong

and papa Daly was right.

My nephew, Daniel, is the lucky one

to get such a wife as Kathy.

To Kathy!

Just a minute.

As long as you're tossing around all

this bigness-of-heart stuff, what do you think my pump is?

A peanut?

You know, you were right.

My Kathy is lucky they get a man like him.

Here's to Danny!

Lucky the get that eagle?

Eagle?

Better an eagle than a beanpole!

Beanpole!

If you ask me-- now, you keep out of this!

You talk about such a lovely girl like this--

Uncle Tonoose, now wait a--

Shut up, you anteater!

What makes you think there's anything special about Danny?

And why, back in Toledo, there's dozen fellows like that.

But where-- where, I ask, will you find

such a wonderful girl as Kathy?

Where?

I'll tell you where, back in Boston.

Everywhere you look.

Hundreds of skinny girls like her.

But where can you find a man like Danny?

Look at him.

It's only once in 100 years you can even grow that fine a beak.

You call that a fine beak?

Back in Toledo, I got little eight-year-old grand nephew,

has already got bigger one.

Now see, there's a lovely girl.

Girl?

Skinny stick, you mean!

Then I've had enough.

Roll back the bed, Rusty!

What do you mean?

Let me tell you something!

Now, just stop it, both of you.

What do ya mean, stop?

I've had enough.

I have had enough.

Rusty? -Yes?

Don't you touch that bed.

Put it back where you found it.

As a matter of fact, we'll have no use for it.

Now listen, you two.

Kathy and I have done everything we

know how to get you together.

But we've stopped playing games as of now.

Kathy I cannot speak for your father.

But I do speak for my uncle, who is suddenly leaving.

Daniel!

I'm sorry, Uncle Tonoose.

I love you very much.

But visit us some other time.

Right now you're causing trouble and discord in our house.

And I can't have it.

So .

Goodbye.

He's staying?

No he doesn't!

I can speak for the other side of the family.

And he's out on his ear.

I'm what?

Why, you little whippersnapper.

I ought to put you over my knee and spank you--

It'll have to be on your next visit.

Because right now, you're leaving this house!

But Kathy!

Yankee, go home!

It's a fine thing.

You give them your love.

You watch them grow up from little children

to be strong young people.

You worry about them.

You pray over them.

And what thanks you get?

They throw you out like an old shoe.

There's no gratitude left no more in young people.

Yeah.

You can say that again.

I never thought I'd live to see the day

that I'd be unwelcome in the house of my daughter, Kathleen.

Or I, in the house of my nephew, Daniel.

Is sad day.

Is lousy day.

Come on.

We go to hotel, get a room, and we sit down and talk about it.

That's a good idea.

Two old cast offs, belonging to nobody.

We'll get a deck of cards.

I want to see if you play as good a pinochle game

as you talk.

UNCLE TONOOSE: Me?

You like to make a little wager?

MR. DALY: And how.

You will put your money where your mouth is.

Now, come on, pal.

Oh, come on, friend.

We go now.

DANNY: Just a minute.

Just a minute.

I mean, well, don't you think you ought

to have dinner before you go?

It's all ready.

What do you say, friend?

Anything you say, pal.

I'm a little hungry.

Yeah, so'm I.

OK.

We forgive you.

Come on.

I'll help you set the table.

Hey.

A toast.

No.

Better maybe we just drink.

(SINGING) 'mid pleasures and palaces,

though we may roam, be it ever so humble,

there's no place like home.

Home, home, home.

There's no place like home.

Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home.

Stop peeking, you sand flea, you!

I wasn't peeking, you Boston Baked Bean, you!

I was straightening the deck!

You're a very sloppy stacker!

Yeah?

Well, that's not the way we play in Boston.

What do you got there in Toledo, a bunch of crooks?

No all the crooks in Toledo, the Chief of Police,

chase them to Boston.

Is that so, you camel jockey?

Come on and play right.

Now, don't start it you--

Stop your peeking when I'm playing the--

I'm shouting at you!

What, are you going to start this whole thing again?

What is it with the name?

If you're going to start fighting,

you're going to have to leave this house.

But who is fighting?

Yeah.

Who's fighting?

Don't you want us to enjoy ourselves?

Go on.

Why don't you go on to a picture show or something, will you?

So we can have a good time, will you?

Go on out. Enjoy yourselves.

Yeah, enjoy.

Go ahead, will you?

Have a good time.

Stop peeking!

-I'm not peeking! -Go on!

You're peeking!