Original subtitles

Right here is a charm bracelet for you.

And here is a Cub Scout knife for you.

Thank you, Daddy.

OK, sweetheart.

Gosh, thanks.

What did I tell you, Linda.

When he goes away, he comes home with presents.

When are you going away again?

Shame on you, Rusty.

Looks like the only reason you're

glad your Daddy's home is because he gives you presents.

Instead of saying, hello, you keep on saying,

what did you bring me?

What did you bring me?

Hm.

You don't catch me asking him what he bring me.

I just stand around and wait.

Well, wait no longer.

Here you are.

Thank you, Mr. Williams.

Come on, children.

Let your parents get reacquainted.

Well, you heard what the lady said.

Let's get reacquainted.

Now, who are you?

I'm the girl you didn't bring a gift to.

Oh, yes I did.

What did you bring me?

For you, I got the best present of all, me.

Oh, darling, I'm only teasing.

I don't need any other gift.

Just to have you home is just wonderful.

Inside coat pocket.

Inside coat pocket.

Oh, darling, it's beautiful.

Inexpensive, too.

Hm?

43 more payments, and it's yours.

Where's the other woman in my life?

I got a gift for her, too.

Terry?

Yeah.

Oh, she's over at Peggy's house studying.

How's she doing in school?

Just wonderful.

Wait till you see her last report card.

Mm, I'm glad.

Hey, you know something? -Hm?

It's great to be home.

Yeah, I've got nothing to do for two weeks.

No show business for two weeks.

Not a night club engagement.

Not-- not even-- not even a benefit.

You know, for the next 14 days and nights,

I'm going to forget there's such a thing as show business.

I'm just going to be a family man, that's all.

Anything exciting happen to you when I was away?

Oh, no.

Nothing much.

Oh, yes, honey.

Dr. Barnes called me today-- you know, from St. Vincent's

Hospital, where I used to work.

Don't tell me they want you to come back to work.

Oh, no, darling.

He just called to say, hello and goodbye.

Just hello, goodbye, and nothing in between?

Well, he did mention that he'd like me to do my specialty

act again in the Frolics.

What frolics?

Oh, St. Vincent's annual Frolics.

He says we can have a very good show this year,

if we just have a little professional help.

Uncurl the hair.

Why, darling?

You're not getting any professional help for me.

I don't intend to perform in any St. Vincent's Frolics.

Now let's not--

Oh, there you go, jumping to conclusions again.

Do you think I'd let them impose upon you like that?

Interrupt your vacation by asking

you to perform in the Frolics?

You sure had me scared for a minute.

All they want you to do is produce and direct.

You don't want me to perform, just produce and direct.

Do you know what you're asking?

Oh, honey, it could be such fun.

With my own husband directing, I could be the hit of the show.

Besides, it's for a good cause to raise money for the clinic.

One, with your professional experience,

it should be easy as pie.

Honey, there's no such thing as easy as pie when

it comes to putting on a show.

There's a lot to with this-- rehearsals,

and costumes, and music cues, and-- and wardrobe,

and scripts.

Oh, honey, it's a big job.

It's asking too much.

Well, I didn't realize there was so much work involved.

You're right.

It's not fair to ask you to give so much of your time.

You bet it isn't.

Of course, it would have been nice of you

to help out with my friends.

And it would have been a wonderful opportunity

for them to meet you, and get to know you, and like you.

Well, we can meet them some other time, can't we dear?

Oh, gee, I was so proud when they asked-- especially

when they said that you were the only one who could

top last year's production.

Bob Hope did that one.

Bob Hope produced the St. Vincent's Hospital show?

Yes.

Darling, you know how unselfish he is about his time.

Of course, that has nothing to do with you.

You've been working hard, and you need your rest.

Bob Hope, huh?

He did a grand job.

Do you know they made twice as much money as they expected to?

Hm.

Naturally, they won't do as well this year

without professional help.

Look, do they have to hit the jackpot every year?

Of course, not, honey.

Don't worry about it.

They'll just have to cut down.

What do you mean, cut down?

Cut down on what?

Oh, fewer beds, turn away a few patients,

maybe even close the clinic.

But, honey, you can't be worrying

about a whole hospital.

You've got your own life to live.

Well, this is some life I'm going to live with people

strewn out on the streets-- some of them with tags on them,

"These poor patients thrown out by Danny Williams."

You don't have to feel that way.

How else can I feel?

Call Dr. Barnes the phone.

I want to talk to him.

What for?

So I can tell him I'll do the show.

Oh, it isn't necessary, honey.

I already told him.

(LAUGHING) Mr. Williams.

Oh, Dr. Barnes, just call me, Danny huh?

Danny, we want to thank you for what you are doing.

Oh.

We can't tell you how thrilled we

all are to have a man of your stature

putting on our little show.

We're truly honored.

Well, I'm the one who's honored to be working with such

a distinguished group.

Well, maybe we ought to adjourn this meeting

of the mutual admiration society and go to work, eh?

Go to work?

Yes.

Start rehearsing.

Well, I'm afraid that's a little premature, doctor.

I have to hold auditions first and pick the talent.

Oh, honey, you don't have to pick any talent.

We have it all lined up.

You just sort of have to knit it together.

Knit it together?

Mm-hm.

Honey, I am-- I'm the producer, not a dress maker.

I mean, I don't want to just slap a lot of acts together.

I'd like to have some continuity in this play.

I'd like a theme, have some special material written.

No expense to you.

I'll have my boys do it.

I figured we'd do a little something,

you know, kidding the medical profession.

People like that.

But, darling, you see--

Now, Kathy, your husband is the professional here.

Let's not tell him how to do the job.

Of course not.

I think holding auditions is only fair to decide

who deserves to be in the show.

Well, if our star vocalist does mind, I guess the rest of us

can't object.

Can we?

Well, I think it's fair we hold auditions.

Well, thank you, doctor.

Do you have a list of the available talent?

Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

Here is it.

It's alphabetically arranged.

Oh, I see you're right at the head of the list, Mrs. Baker.

So we'll start with you.

Will the rest of you wait in the hall.

We'll call you in turn.

All right, now you just step along--

Thank you for your cooperation.

--and then Williams can get to work.

Yes, thank you.

Kathy, I think you'd better stay and play the piano, huh?

Oh, all right, darling.

-You-- you sing, is that right? -Yes, uh-huh.

Fine. Fine.

Good luck, Mrs. Baker.

I hope you make it.

(LAUGHING) Thank you, doctor.

Oh, you have your music with you and everything.

-Yes. -Isn't that nice.

Well, what are you going to sing?

"She's Only a Bird in a Gilded Cage"

Wouldn't you-- wouldn't you rather sing something

a little more up-- up to date?

Oh, no.

I do that at the Frolics every year.

Oh.

I come out with a little cage, and it has

a lovely white cockatoo in it.

And, at the end of the song, I release the cockatoo,

and it flies out away over the audience.

And it's just simply thrilling.

I'm sure it is.

Well, let's, uh-- let's have a little sample, shall we?

(SINGING OPERATICALLY) She's only a bird in a gilded cage,

a beautiful thing to see.

You may think that she's happy and free of care.

She's not, though she seems to be.

(SINGING IN NASAL VOICE) It's sad

when you think of a flying life, for youth cannot mate with age.

And her beauty was sold on an old man's gold.

(SINGING OPERATICALLY) She's a bird in a gilded cage.

Well, I think that's enough to give you an idea.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

I-- I-- I'm trying to save my voice.

I recommend that.

When do you want me for rehearsals?

Well, Mrs. Baker, I'll tell you.

You, uh-- you just wait till I give you a call,

and I'll see where I can use you in the show.

Where you can use me?

Yes, I'll use you in one of the sketches.

I think you'll do very well.

You-- you don't understand, Mr. Williams, I've been singing

in this show every year.

Why, last year, Mr. Hoffritz said that I

was the hit of the evening.

Mr. Hoffritz?

Sam Hoffritz.

Who is Sam Hoffritz?

He produced the show.

I thought you said Bob Hope produced the show.

Well, Bob Hope, Sam Hoffritz, I knew

it was one of those big show business names.

Sam Hoffritz is a big show business name?

What did he ever do?

Mr. Hoffritz happens to know the theater, inside out.

He's been selling tickets at the Winter

Garden box office for 13 years.

Oh, excuse me.

For a while there, I thought he was a nobody.

But regardless of the eminent Mr. Sam Hoffritz,

I'm still going to have to make the decisions

myself, Mrs. Baker.

I will call you.

I promise you will be in the show.

Well, really, Mr. Williams.

We'll use you in one of the sketches.

I don't understand you.

Hey, I guess I need a little bit more practice.

I'll do it again.

I, uh-- it's funny I-- I didn't miss that once last night.

See if you like this one.

Thank you.

Thank you, very much.

Say, will you hold these?

I'm going to juggle three plates.

Here's one that always gets a big applause.

I seem to be all thumbs today.

Dr. Teasdale, you're wanted in surgery.

They've been looking all over for you.

They're ready for the brain operation.

DR. TEASDALE: Will you pardon me?

He's a brain surgeon?

Remind me never to get a headache.

Uh, darling, you know, you're practically

at the bottom of the list, and you

only have about a half a show.

I'll just have to audition more people.

That's all.

Who's next?

Uh, me.

Well, fine.

What are you going to do?

Oh, honey, you're not going to audition me, your own wife.

If you're on the list, honey, I'm going to audition you.

Well, if you insist on all the silly formalities.

Well, what are you sore about, Clancy?

Do you want me to be accused of playing favorites?

Here's my music.

No, I certainly don't.

Just play the music.

"Put the Blame on Mame?"

Yes.

You're going to do this number?

That's right.

Oh, honey, that's-- a number like

this is for a girl that's got plenty of-- of, you know.

And what makes you think I haven't got enough you know?

Oh, honey, you've got lots of you know.

But the kind of you know you've got,

and the you know I was thinking of is-- well, you know.

All right.

If you want to do the song, go ahead and do it.

"Put the Blame on Mame."

(SINGING) When Mrs. O'Leary's cow kicked the lantern

in Chicago town, they say that started the fire

that burned Chicago down.

That's the story that went around,

but here's the real lowdown.

Put the blame on Mame, boys.

Put the blame on Mame.

Mame kissed a buyer from out of town.

That kiss burned Chicago down.

So you can put the blame on Mame, boys.

Put the blame on Mame.

One night, she started to shim and shake.

That brought on the Frisco quake.

So you can put the blame on Mame, boys.

Put the blame on Mame.

Put the blame on Mame,

boys.

Didn't you like it?

That's the worst thing I ever saw in my whole life.

Well, I think it's pretty unfair to judge

a number like that, just cold.

Cold?

(SINGING IN A MOCKING TONE) Put the blame on-- that's cold?

Well, it's really much more effective

when I have my costume on.

Oh, you have a costume?

Yes, darling.

What do you know?

I'm learning a lot about you, today.

Right here, honey.

Yes.

You're going to wear that in public, my wife?

Oh, honey, don't get excited.

This isn't the whole costume.

Well, I should hope not.

I also wear long black gloves.

Well, that's a relief.

For a while, I thought the people will

be staring at your naked hands.

The number is out.

Out?

Capital O-U-T. As a matter of fact, so are you.

Just forget about the show.

Out?

Your own wife, out?

That's right.

Out.

Oh!

Well, if it isn't Cecil B. DeMille.

Hello, Mame.

How's your ?

What's the matter with you?

What's the matter with me?

Do you know that's the tenth call

I had this morning complaining about the way

you're running the show?

The whole hospital is in an uproar.

Yes, sir, Mr. Williams.

I understand you're about to be thrown out of the Blue Cross.

Well, isn't that too bad?

Mm.

I wouldn't be surprised if, by now, the American

Medical Association has you listed

as a new disease, Lebanese Flu.

Well, everybody's got their feelings hurt, huh?

I'm only doing the best job I can do, honey.

If I'm stepping on toes, I'm sorry.

I wanted you to do this show so my friends could

get to know you and like you.

Instead, they all hate you.

OK. What do you want me to do?

Quit? I quit.

Go ahead.

No, Mr. Williams, I do not want you to quit.

But this is not "South Pacific" or "My Fair Lady,"

it's just an amateur show.

Honey, amateur or professional, if the audience pays them

the compliment and the money to come and see them,

then they've got to try to be good.

And since the program is going to read,

"Produced and directed by Danny Williams,"

then I've got to try to make it extra good.

And what was wrong with the way Dr. Carter sang,

"Stout-Hearted Man?"

Nothing.

It just didn't sound right coming from a lady doctor.

Well, if you don't care whose feelings you hurt.

If you're the kind of a man who will throw his own wife out

of a show, well, I guess I'm just wasting

my time trying to change you.

Louise, would you check the linens in the spare bedroom?

I want Mr. Williams to be comfortable tonight.

What happened?

Hm.

Man, you've just been exiled to Siberia.

Well, how did this all happen?

Two days ago, I was a very happy man.

I came home from Boston.

I'm away for a couple of weeks.

I'm happy to see my wife.

I sat on that coach, and I said, I'm going to be a family

man for 14 days and nights.

In two days, I'm out of the family.

I'm a border in the spare bedroom.

Well, maybe you could get a pardon from the governor

if you'd stop being so fussy about them acts.

I'm not being fussy, Louise.

Let them show just one spark of talent,

I'll be very happy to use them.

Miss Kathy said that you threw out a real good act.

And which act was that?

The maternity ward quartet.

The maternity ward quartet.

Oh, there was a doozy of an act.

Four baby doctors waving cans of talcum powder

and singing, "Pat 'Em on the Popo."

Frankly, Mr. Williams, we've been most unhappy about the way

you've been handling the show.

Now, uh-- while we are not exactly professionals,

we, uh, do have a certain amount of understanding

of your business.

As a matter of fact, all of us are enthusiastic patrons

of the theater.

But, Mr. Williams, it is our belief that you have-- you

have mishandled this project.

You have embarrassed certain members of our staff

by eliminating them from the show

or relegating them to small parts without explanation.

In short, Mr. Williams, it's our opinion that, uh, we must

ask you to alter your methods.

I see.

Well--

WOMAN'S VOICE (ON INTERCOM): Dr. Barnes, wanted in surgery.

Dr. Barnes.

Oh, yes, yes.

That appendectomy.

I didn't think they'd be ready for me so soon.

Well, you can continue the discussion without me.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

Excuse--

Oh, just a minute, doctor.

I understand the St. Vincent's Frolics is

very important to the hospital.

And, that being the case, naturally,

this board needs your guidance.

So I suggest you stick around.

But, Mr. Williams, I have a patient waiting

to have an appendix removed.

That's all right.

I'll go up and do it for you.

Just loan me your rubber gloves and your tool kit.

Mr. Williams, I'm afraid your joke is in very poor taste.

Joke?

Never more serious in my whole life.

I mean, you're busy putting on a show.

I figured I'd go up and do the operation for you.

Oh, come now.

Let's not be silly.

What's silly about it, doctor?

Because I don't have a degree?

What's the matter?

Doesn't experience count?

I know all about the human body.

I've had one for years.

I mean, just like you people know all about show business.

You-- you've been an audience for years.

As you put it, doctor, you're patrons of the theater.

And if you're qualified to put on a show,

then I am qualified to perform an appendectomy.

I see the point you're trying to make, Mr. Williams.

But it's hardly the same thing.

I think it is, doctor-- the very same thing.

You consider it ridiculous for a layman to talk

about performing an operation.

That's because you respect your profession.

You accept its responsibilities and will not tolerate

unqualified interference.

Well, doctor, mine is a time-honored profession, too.

And I respect it very much.

The way I see it, if Johnny Q. Public needs an appendectomy,

then he's your boy.

When he needs to be entertained, I kind of think he's my boy.

Look, I know you people find it difficult to understand why I'm

trying to make such a big thing out of a simple little amateur

show.

But, with me, there's no such thing as

a simple little amateur show.

I'm in show business all the way.

Let me explain to people that I didn't get into show business

by accident.

I chose my profession, the same way you chose yours

and for the same reason, because I love it.

And when I am in it, I do the very best

I can at all times-- whether it's for money or for charity

or just plain fun.

Now, please don't be alarmed.

I'm not going to break into a chorus of "There's No Business

Like Show Business," and I'll be off my soapbox in just

a second.

Now, you feel you've got the wrong boy for the job.

And it's only fair to let you off the hook.

So I make a motion that you accept my resignation.

I second the motion.

Excuse me.

Danny, wait a minute.

I second the motion, because we don't

deserve a man like my husband.

Why, he's deprived himself of a rest

that he needed and deserved, just to put on the best

show St. Vincent's ever had.

And we've been all complaining and grumbling, because we

couldn't all be the star.

But, Kathy, you agreed with us.

I know, Dr. Barnes.

And I'm just as guilty as the rest of you.

Maybe more so, because I should have known better.

I'm ashamed of myself, and I'm ashamed of all of us.

And I think the least we can do is relieve my husband

of his, uh, obligation.

So, all those in favor of accepting his resignation,

please raise their hands.

All right.

Now, all those in favor of Mr. Williams

being allowed to continue on his own terms

and not accepting his resignation, show your hands.

May I make it unanimous, Dr. Barnes?

Of course.

WOMAN'S VOICE (ON INTERCOM): Dr. Barnes,

you are wanted in surgery at once.

Dr. Barnes, report to surgery.

Well, now that it's been settled

who performs the appendectomy and who produces the show,

I'd better hurry.

Oh, say, perhaps you'd like to sit in the gallery and watch.

No, thanks, doc.

I'm a little busy.

I've got to go home and move.

Oh, you're moving into a new apartment?

No, into my own room.

Really, Claire?

In the society section?

I-- I'll look it up, right away.

Thanks, dear. Darling.

What?

Claire said they reviewed the Frolics in the society section,

and it's just great.

They reviewed the hospital show?

Yeah, yeah.

-You're kidding. -Here it is.

Here's the society section.

Let me see. Yes, look.

Look at this heading.

What?

"St. Vincent's Frolics a Smash."

Oh, come on.

Oh, "Last night, St. Vincent's put on its annual Frolics.

Production was outstanding, worthy of the Broadway stage.

Each number was a gem."

Well, what do you think of your husband now?

Oh, honey, you have a whole new career ahead of you

as a producer and director.

Thanks, a lot.

I'll stick to the saloon business.

"The entire production sparkled from beginning to end.

But the real credit for this brilliant success

must be given to--" Oh, dear.

This is horrible.

What's the matter?

The spelled one of the names wrong.

Oh?

I'm going to call that paper and see if they'll

change it for the next edition.

Oh, honey, don't do that.

If there's anything I can't stand it's somebody

that calls a newspaper and starts complaining, especially

when it's a silly thing like they

spelled somebody's name wrong.

They must have gotten hold of a wrong program.

What's the difference?

Whose name did they get wrong?

Yours.

So the spelled it wrong.

What's the difference?

The show was a success.

How did they spell it?

Sam Hoffritz.

Don't just stand there.

Call the paper!