Original subtitles

(SINGING) Fifty years ago, me father left old Erin's shore.

He landed here, shillelagh in hand, and devil a penny more.

He got a job, and he got a wife, and then a family.

And then he died and left his old shillelagh stick to me.

Sure, it's the same old shillelagh me father brought

from Ireland, but devil a man was prouder than he

when he walked with it in his hand.

He'd lead the day on Paddy's Day and twirl it round his mitt,

and devil a bit, we'd laugh at it, till dad'd have a fit.

With the same old shillelagh, me father could lick a dozen men.

As fast as they'd get up, aha, he'd knock 'em down again.

And many's the time he'd use it on me to make me

understand, the same old shillelagh

me father brought from Ireland.

The same old shillelagh me father brought from Ireland.

Hey!

Oh, Danny, it was like a breath from the Emerald Isle.

Well thank you, Lassie, thank you.

Uncle Sean will love it.

I hope so, Honey, because I sure want to make

an impression on the old guy.

You know what?

I think I'll take him to the club one night

and maybe do one of those old Irish routines

I used to do at the 5100 Club.

Oh, he'll love that.

You think so?

Uh-huh.

I don't know, though, on second thought, though, he's-- I mean,

meeting him for the first time, I wouldn't want to offend him.

You think he'd mind me poking fun at the Irish like that?

Oh, don't be silly, Daddy, he has a great sense of humor.

And nobody likes an Irish story better than an Irishman.

Besides, it, might ease the shock a bit.

Oh.

What shock?

Well.

Well, what?

Uh, well, I, uh, uh, I told him you were Irish.

You what?

Well, before we were married, I wrote and told him

that you were born in County Cork

and that you had blue eyes and a turned up nose.

How could you tell him I've got turned up nose?

Well darling, you have when you stand on your head.

Very funny.

What'd you want to go and write and tell him I'm Irish, for?

Oh, well after all, darling, I didn't want him to know

that I'd married a foreigner.

Me, a foreigner?

For your information, I was born in Toledo,

Ohio, which isn't exactly the capital of Outer Mongolia.

I know, Darling, but to Uncle Sean, anybody who isn't Irish

is a foreigner.

Hm, isn't that too bad?

Boy, this kills me.

First I got to make good with your father,

then I got to make good with your uncle.

Well, your Uncle Tonoose put me through the mill--

said I was too skinny.

You know, we-- we ought to hire a hall,

invite all of our relatives, charm them all at one time

and make our marriage official.

Daddy?

Yeah?

We finished lunch, can we have some money for the movies?

I suppose so.

What's playing?

Oh, the regular Saturday kids' matinee.

Yeah, eight cartoons, three pictures, and Chapter 6

of the Monster From the Moon.

Oh, they're also having a preview showing of "I

Was a Teenage Frankenstein."

Movies are not only better than ever, they're longer than ever.

Here, grab us a postcard from time to time.

OK.

Oh, wait a minute, kids, you can't go now.

I forgot, Danny-- -What?

Uncle Sean will be here any minute.

Oh, that's right.

Well he's not my uncle, why do I have to stay home?

Hey, what kind of talk is that?

You got the wrong idea about this whole thing.

What do you mean he's not your uncle?

He's Kathy's uncle, he's your uncle.

He's my uncle, too.

Her relatives are our relatives, Rus.

Our relatives are her relatives, and each other's relatives

are relative, understand?

Well, it's sort of complicated.

Could I think about it?

Yeah, think about it.

I'll think about it at movie.

No.

I do my best thinking at the movies.

You will stay here and meet your new uncle.

Give me my money.

Oh, Danny, that-- that must be him.

Ah, Kathy!

Kathy .

Well, let me get a good look at you, now.

Ah, sure, and you're the spitting image of your mother,

bless your soul.

Uncle Sean, Uncle Sean!

Oh, little Linda, ha ha oh, what a pretty little Colleen

you're sprouting into.

Rusty, take Uncle Sean's bag, Dear.

Uncle Sean, I want you to know Danny.

How do you do, Sir, how's everything in Boston?

How do you do lad?

Fine, it's all right.

And now Kathleen, where's that fine, upstanding Irish broth

of a husband of yours, huh?

Uncle Sean, this is my husband, Danny.

Excuse me.

Kathleen, my girl, this may come as a shock to you,

but you've been lied to.

I don't know what it is, but whatever it

is, it is definitely not Irish.

Don't hold that against me, Mr. O'Hara, we can't all be Irish.

No, we can't, because there's just so many of us

as deserves it.

Yes, sir.

Oh, by the way, I put your bags in Terry's room

next to the bathroom in case you want

to scrape those whiskers off.

Oh--

And what is this?

Oh, uh, Uncle Sean, this is Rusty, Danny's son,

Well, he's not a bad looking boy, considering the source.

Why you old--

Danny!

Good morning, sir.

What's good about--

I don't know.

Go on away and leave me alone.

That's right, crawl off and leave me with this mess.

It can't be happening.

Merciful providence wouldn't let it

happen to a kindly, God-fearing man like meself.

Wouldn't let what happen?

Have you no eyes in your head, Man?

If I move me bishop to the King's four,

it's checkmate in two moves.

So don't move it.

I've got to move it.

It's the only move that Paddy McCormick has left me.

Who is Paddy McCormick?

The feller I'm playing this game with.

Don't look now, but the fella you're playing with is gone.

Is there no end to me trouble?

Not only does my favorite niece marry a foreigner with his nose

turned the wrong way, but a foreigner who's a dribbling

idiot into the bargain.

Patty McCormick's in Dublin.

You mean you're playing a game of chess

with a man who's in Ireland?

I am that.

Boy, he must have awful long arms.

Long arms, you know?

He's in Ireland, he's gotta rea-- it's a joke.

We're playing the game by mail, you thick-skulled blatherskite.

I write him my move, he writes me his move,

and it goes back and forth like that.

His last move came in this morning's mail.

Oh.

How long you been playing this game?

Oh I'd say eh, 8 - 1/2 years, give or take a month.

You've been playing chess 8 - 1/2 years?

SEAN:

One game?

They've got some very slow boats between here and Ireland.

Say it ain't true.

Somebody say it ain't true.

OK, it ain't true.

But it is-- two moves and I'm finished.

Danny, you got to do something.

You're my relative, don't just stand there.

Do something.

What are you getting all excited about?

It's only a game of chess.

Only a game of chess?

Why, you bellowing banshee.

And to think, in a moment of weakness,

I called you a relative.

Mr. O'Hara, what's to get excited about?

All right, so I know it's tough to lose a game you've been

playing for 8 - 1/2 years--

It ain't the 8 - 1/2 years, it's just that-- well it--

What is it?

Sit down, Son, Danny, I'm going to tell you something

I've told no living man.

I'm a failure.

Oh, come on.

No, no, no, I'm a failure.

All my life that back-hearted, no good Paddy McCormick,

he-- well, you take when we were little sprouts together

in Dublin, we'd go fishing, he'd catch

maybe 15 or 20 fine trout.

Me?

Nary a nibble I'd get for me pains.

And you take school-- Paddy'd get all hundreds.

we Me?

All goose eggs.

Paddy took the soccer team, he was the captain.

I was the water boy.

And in Ireland, water's not too popular, you know?

So he played better soccer than you, and he caught more fish,

and he got better grades, so what?

Oh no, wait, wait, wait, you haven't heard the worst yet.

There was Peggy.

DANNY: Peggy?

Aye, Peggy, the prettiest Colleen in all the county.

Kinda soft-- soft with laughing blue eyes and a sweet smile

that would warm a man's heart.

They left Ireland the day Paddy McCormick married her.

Oh.

So you see, he beat me out of Peggy like he

beat me at everything else.

But I swore on the graves of me dead ancestors

that I wouldn't rest until I'd found something that I

could beat Paddy McCormick at.

Then, I found it.

Yes sir, I found it-- chess-- discovered

I had the knack for it.

So I study the game, read all the books,

and then I wrote Paddy and challenged him to a game.

Well, that was 8 - 1/2 years ago.

Oh, look at that sorry sight.

Eight-and-a-half years I've been waiting to beat Paddy McCormick

at something, and now in two moves, he's going

to beat me at this, too.

Hm, you move the bishop here?

And he takes it with his rook.

Can't move the king?

Checkmate.

No, the game is over.

Oh, Danny, if there was just some way

I didn't have to make that bishop move.

I'm afraid you're dead, Uncle Sean.

I am indeed dead.

Dead.

Hey, that's it, I got it.

What?

What's it-- what, what?

You're dead.

If you're dead, you can't make the move.

If you can't make a move, you don't lose.

Nobody wins the game.

But I'm very definitely not dead

and I intend to stay not dead for some time I hope.

I mean suppose I were to cable Paddy McCormick--

I regret that the chess game cannot

continue because Sean O'Hara has passed on to his Maker.

He couldn't question that, could he?

The Saints preserve you.

It's a divine idea, me Boy.

Oh, Danny, it's proud I am to welcome you into the family.

You're a true Son of Erin.

Good morning, Sweetheart.

What do you mean, morning?

It's after one o'clock.

You certainly had a good night's sleep.

Honey, this is the quietest Saturday morning I can remember

in the history of this house.

That's because Uncle Sean took the kids to the park.

He wasn't going to have anybody around the house disturbing

the sleep of his favorite nephew.

Did he say that that?

Yeah, how about that?

Ah.

Boy, the weak spot you found certainly must have been a pip.

What was it?

Ah, (IRISH ACCENT) sorry my little Colleen,

I can't tell you that.

It's a deep, dark secret between two black-hearted Irishmen,

Sean O'Hara and Dan McWilliams.

Oh, I almost forgot-- a cablegram

came for you this morning.

Cable?

Uh-huh.

Who's it from?

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Danny, what's the matter?

Oh, Holy Toledo.

Oh, no.

Danny, tell me, what it it?

What's the matter?

What's the matter?

Paddy McCormick's coming all the way from Ireland

to attend Sean's funeral.

It can't be.

It can be.

It can't be.

Yeah, it is, though.

There it is in black and white.

There is no white, it's all black.

Does Kathy know about me funeral?

It must have come as quite a shock to her,

not even knowing I had passed on.

Ah, me darling nephew, what am I going to do?

Now, Paddy will know me not only for a loser, but a cheat

as well.

I'm afraid you're in a big Irish stew.

And who pushed me into the Irish stew?

You did-- this was all your idea.

You and your Lebanese blarney.

There's no such thing as Lebanese blarney.

Well, there was blarney, and it certainly wasn't Irish.

Oh, it's me own fault for having a niece

who'd soil our good name by marrying a scheming foreigner.

I'm a scheming foreigner, huh?

And who was it kissed my hands when they needed a scheme?

Whisht, whisht, whisht.

Danny Williams, I'm putting the curse of the O'Haras on you.

You'll never be friend or kin to me.

What am I going to do?

How can I face that grinning devil, Paddy McCormick?

He'll be coming any minute.

Well, it's your own fault for getting yourself into such

a silly, childish mess.

My fault?

He was the one who got me into it

with his sneaky, oriental mind.

Least he could do is think of something equally sneaky

to get me out of it.

What are you making such a big magill out of the thing?

Why don't you just come out and tell him the truth?

Tell him the truth and admit I'm a failure, is that it?

Yeah.

Oh, wait, I'll make it the truth.

I'll do away with meself.

Why Uncle Sean, you wouldn't.

How much Irish whiskey do you have in the house?

What?

It's the only fitting way for an O'Hara to go.

Oh, Uncle Sean, you can't do that.

Certainly not, it'd take too long.

True, and besides, if I fail in me attempt,

the hangover would kill me.

Fa, that Paddy McCormick won't even leave me

alone to enjoy me own funeral.

And speaking of the devil, that's the sound of doom.

Oh, Danny-- Danny, you're me only hope now.

Do something, think of something, please?

What-- what can I think of?

I'm begging you as a fellow Irishman.

I'm a fellow Irishman now?

I'm inviting you to rejoin us.

Please, Danny, think of something, for your old uncle,

Sean O'Hara?

You can do it.

There's nobody can beat the fiendish Orientals

for fine Irish ingenuity.

This the home of Danny Williams?

It is.

I'm Paddy McCormick.

Oh, oh, come in, come in, let me take your hat and coat.

Thank you.

I'm Danny Williams and this is my wife,

Kathy, the niece of the dearly beloved departed uncle.

How do you do, Ma'am?

How do you do?

It's sorry I am to be intruding at a time like this

on the bereaved family, so if you

could tell me when and where the wake is to be held?

The wake?

Wake, yes.

The wake.

Uh, matter of fact, uh, there is not going to be any wake.

No wake?

No, no wake.

Why not?

No body.

No body?

What did he do with it?

He-- he didn't do anything with it.

Well, he passed on though, didn't he?

How come then there's no body?

He had one when he left Dublin.

Well, you see, uh, Sir, the-- that's a good question.

Wonderful question.

Well now, the reason there's no body is that uh, he drowned.

PADDY: Drowned?

DANNY: That was it, he drowned.

PADDY: Oh.

Yeah, he fell off the Staten Island Ferry.

I remember he was out getting some fresh salt sea

air to clear his head for the big chess game,

and he went down and never came up.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

It's a shame.

I know how you must feel coming all the way from Ireland

to pay your last respects and say

a eulogy to your old friend.

Pay me last respects?

Say a eulogy?

I came here to look upon the remains

of that black-hearted devil and blast the day I met him.

Now really, Mr. McCormick.

Well, is no offense to you, ma'am, but a black-hearted

devil he was.

Oh, even dead, he gets the better of me.

He gets the better of you?

Me whole life.

Oh, that's not the way I heard it.

Why, one time he told me that when you were kids out fishing,

you caught a mess of fish, he never could catch one.

And whose mother made who eat them?

And I hate fish.

Oh, yeah, but-but-but you were the hero on the soccer team,

what about that?

The soccer team?

Yeah, and who got kicked so much they got water in the knee

and suffers excruciating agony every time it rains?

Oh, but in school, you were brilliant-- you

got better marks than he did.

That's another thing, the dirty, sneaking blackguard.

I got such good grades that it made people expect

a great deal of Paddy McCormick, and all me

life, I've disappointed them.

But Sean O'Hara?

Anything that dumb ox did was an improvement.

But Peggy-- Peggy-- you got Peggy

with the laughing blue eyes, sweet, soft.

Soft is it?

276 pounds of softness.

And her pushing me around with every pound of it.

Oh, all me life, I been waiting-- waiting for the one

time to get the better of him.

Once.

Just once is all I wanted.

Two moves-- two tiny little moves and I had him.

So what does he do?

He does the sneakingest thing he ever did in his whole life--

he dies!

Dies and takes his body with him.

Now I'll never have a chance to beat him at anything.

By all that's holy, if it isn't himself, Paddy McCormick.

Hello, Paddy me bucko.

(INCREDULOUSLY) Sean O'Hara?

It's me.

Sean O'Hara, body and all.

But-- but you're dead.

Oh, I've come back.

It's a miracle.

That's what it is, a miracle-- a miracle has been

after happening, just so that I might finish

a very important chess game.

But-- but he said you drowned.

Well, you heard what I said, it was a miracle.

You believe in miracles, don't you, man?

A miracle?

Aye.

What kind of a double crossing, underhanded game of--

Whisht, whisht!

Don't you be raising your voice to my darling nephew,

as fine an Irishman as ever drew breath.

Irish?

Aye.

Glory be, another miracle.

There we are, there and there.

That's right.

OK?

All right, Uncle Sean, make your move.

All right, the bishop to the king's four.

There you are, Paddy McCormick, your great moment is at hand--

make your move.

Eight-and-a-half-years I've been waiting for this.

I can't do it.

What?

I can't do it.

Why not?

No more have I the need.

All our lives, you always thought I got the best of you,

and me always thinking you got the rest of me.

But now that I found out the truth, well,

there's no more need for me to beat

you at anything, Sean O'Hara.

Ah, there's no more need to me to beat you

at anything, Paddy McCormick.

And I'd say it's a great day for the Irish.

Tell me the truth, man-- Peggy--

there's really 276 of her now?

There was when I left.

There may be more of her by the time I get back.

Hi.

This is a picture of St. Jude Hospital in Memphis, Tennessee.

It is supported by an organization known as ALSAC,

A-L-S-A-C, and I am proud to be president of that organization.

ALSAC means, Aiding Leukemia Stricken American Children.

The members of my organization and I

have pledged ourselves to do everything

we possibly can to help fight this dreaded

killer of children, leukemia.

Thank you.