Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Hut one, hut two.

High! Come on!

Come on! Get open!

Interception! Touchdown!

We did it! Yeah!

Pathetic!

Playing all by yourself. Get some friends, kid.

I'm all in.

Fold.

I'm never playing with you again!

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Check it out. I stole them from the movie theater.

3-D glasses. Ooh!

From now on, I'll take my entertainment

exclusively in three dimensions.

Daffy, those only work at the movie theater.

(man on TV) The chances of the republican..

Whoa! He's so close.

Back off, newsman.

- It's not in 3-D. - Whoa.

- It's like I can touch you. - Please don't.

[doorbell rings]

Meeeh. What's up, neighbor?

Whoa!

Ugh! Back to 2-D. What a bummer.

Can I talk to you for a second?

It's my son, Gossamer.

He's having some trouble fitting in at school.

'All the kids pick on him and call him a monster.'

Duh. He is a monster.

I tried to help him, but he's at that age

where he doesn't wanna listen to his mama.

The other day he called me a witch.

You are a witch.

[whirring]

Do you need to be doing that right now?

Protein shake. It's how I maintain this body.

[whirring]

Anyway, Gossamer needs help making friends.

Now, I think he could benefit from a positive male role model.

'Could you take him to school tomorrow and maybe talk to him?'

You want Bugs to talk to him?

He doesn't know the first thing about making friends.

He was born with friends. He's got too many friends.

The only person who can help a weirdo like Gossamer

is another weirdo.

[clatters]

That's a great idea.

You can take him to school tomorrow.

What? No. Find another weirdo.

No one helped me out when I was a kid

so I'm not helping him out.

You know, I'm not always a nice witch.

I'm only taking you to school 'cause I'm afraid of your mom.

Don't open that.

Sorry.

- You're a real weird dude. - Sorry.

Why are you always apologizing?

- Sorry. - Listen, kid.

School is like prison.

And I should know. I've been to both.

You do your time and you get out.

And if you're lucky, you'll grow up to be as mature

and well-adjusted as me.

Oh, come on! Move it, lady!

[honking]

Just get out here. This mom's taking forever.

I mean, how many kids do you have to have

before you feel like you've got a family?

It's irresponsible!

Will you pick me up after school?

Pick you up?

What do you think, I-I-I just

sit around all day watching TV?

You don't think I have a job or other responsibilities?

My mom says you're a bum

and that you mooch off of Mr. Bunny.

Well, your mom's stupid.

Don't tell her I said that.

[engine starts]

[tires screeching]

[honking]

[instrumental music]

Hey, Gossamer.

[slaps] See you later, pal.

[all laughing]

[bell ringing]

Hi, Kyle. Hi, Jason.

Hi, Emily. What's up, Trevor?

Hi, Maya.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Andrew.

[engine rumbling]

Why didn't you defend yourself?

My mom says violence is never the answer.

Well, your mom is wrong.

It's almost always the answer. Don't tell her I said that.

And, anyway, I don't know how to defend myself.

Then it's time to go to school.

Not that school, the school of hard knocks.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Uh, w-where's Daffy?

He's helping our neighbor's kid.

- Try it. - We already got our pizza.

No, try this one.

Well?

- I like it. - This one's frozen!

Uh, p-pretty impressive.

Pretty impressive? It's very impressive.

Let me tell you something, Pinky.

Uh, it's Porky.

I like to see you make

a restaurant-quality frozen pizza.

You couldn't. You know why?

Because it's next to impossible, but I did it.

And now I'm going to sell Speedy Gonzales' Frozen Pizzas

in grocery stores all across the country!

What are they doing?

I'm filming the commercial later today.

- Hey, you should be in it. - Nah.

Come on! You can be the customer.

- I-I-I don't-- - I could play t-the customer.

Pinky, please. I'm talking to Senor Bugs.

What do you say? Will you be in my frozen pizza commercial?

- Uh.. - I'd love to do it.

Yeah. Just let Porky do it.

Can I at least use your slogan?

- What slogan? - "I like it."

- When did I say that? - When you tried the pizza.

It's the perfect slogan, not too much, not too little.

I don't love it. I like it.

It's pizza, man. It's not a new car.

- Whatever. - Oh! Y-y-yippee!

Relax, Pinky, okay?

It's a commercial, not a movie.

But go see the makeup girl. You're just-just so pink.

I guess that's where he gets his name.

This is the school I graduated from.

[grunting]

I'm kind of a legend around here.

What's up, man?

I don't know you.

Self-defense

is about knowing your strengths

'and your opponent's weaknesses.'

It's about stamina..

...discipline..

...and never..

[grunts]

...letting your guard down.

[groans]

[grunts]

Shouldn't we be wearing boxing gloves?

Does anybody wear boxing gloves in a street fight?

Also, there's a $5 glove-rental fee.

Now, let's get it on!

[grunts]

I don't wanna fight.

Too late, you're in a fight

and you're already losing. You know why?

You're off balance.

And when you're off balance

you're open to one of these!

Hi-ya!

[thud]

- Lucky shot. - I didn't do anything.

How's this gonna help me make friends?

I see what you're doing. Mind games.

Well, mind games are no match

for one of these!

[groans]

[breathing heavily]

Alright. Let's take a break.

I'm sure this is a lot of information

for you to absorb.

I'm going to the vending machine.

I'll bring you back one of these!

[groans]

Well, we've learned two things here today.

You refuse to defend yourself

and I need to double up on my protein shakes.

I'm never gonna get any friends.

Not with that "Kick me" sign still on your back.

Give me that.

'"School talent show."'

- Huh. - What is it?

I think I just figured out a way

for you to make some friends.

'A way for you to impress everyone'

'and instantly become popular'

in a single, dramatic moment.

You mean, enter the talent show?

Oh, I was gonna say

watch the talent show wearing a really cool jacket

but entering the talent show..

That's a great idea!

Wow! You're lucky I thought of it.

- Do you have any talents? - I could sing.

Ugh! No way. Singing's lame.

Come on. We can come up with something better than that.

Oh, wait. I forgot something.

To give you one of these!

[screaming]

[groans]

Do you want restaurant-quality pizza

in the comfort of your own home?

Hello, I'm Speedy Gonzales

of Speedy Gonzales' Pizzarriba

telling you that you can now enjoy my pizza

in a frozen variety

but don't take my word for it.

Here's a real-life customer.

Ahem. What do you think, sir?

I-I like it!

Cut!

Pinky, y-you're overselling it.

I told you you could be in the commercial

but you-you gotta pull back.

You gotta play real.

Uh, take it again.

What do you think, sir?

(Porky) 'I-I like it!'

Nope. It's not working. Senor Bugs.

Let me hear you say it again.

- I like it. - That's it! Perfect!

Sorry, Pinky, there's just something about him

a likeability factor.

I mean, this guy's okay

but I wanna party with this guy!

Let's take it again.

Hey, Pinky, I'm sorry.

Scooch to your left a little bit.

'Little more, little more.'

'Little more, little more.'

'Little more, little more.'

'Little more.'

(Porky) 'Uh, how's this?'

Perfect-o.

Talent. It can't be taught.

It can't be bought, it can't be faked.

It just is. You dig?

- Do I dig what? - Two, three, four!

[upbeat music]

No, no, no. Back to one.

- Where's one? - 'Two, three, four!'

[upbeat music]

Stop, stop, stop!

You're doing it wrong!

It's a simple kickball change

a shimmy to the right

a shimmy to the left

pivot, step and head roll.

Was that so difficult?

I was thinking maybe I could sing at the talent show.

Are you out of your mind?

That is so lame!

I mean, do you know how girly and pathetic you'd look

if you sang? No, no, no.

If you want friends

you need to dance.

I'm not a dancer.

Well, you just keep telling yourself that.

This is just so frustrating!

There is a dancer inside of you.

Shame on you for not seeing it

and shame on me for being the only one who does!

I need to cool off. I'm gonna take five.

But not before I give you one of these!

[thud]

Will you go make me a protein shake?

[instrumental music]

(Speedy on TV) 'I'm Speedy Gonzales of Speedy Gonzales' Pizzarriba'

'telling you that you can now enjoy my pizza'

'in a frozen variety.'

- I like it. - 'And you will, too.'

(Speedy) 'Speedy Gonzales' Frozen Pizza'

'in your grocer's freezer!'

- Huh. How much? - Oh, it's on the house.

You're famous.

Honey, look. It's the I-like-it guy.

Oh!

I-like-it guy! Say it.

- I like it. - Yeah!

I like it.

You probably get this all the time, but will you say it?

I'm kind of in a hurry.

Please, just one time.

[sighs] I like it.

Do you mind? Will you say it for my outgoing message?

- I like it. - Ooh. Wasn't recording.

- One more time? - I like it.

Whoo-hoo! I like it!

I'm not sure I like it.

[siren wailing]

(male #1) 'Say it.'

'Yeah, you.'

'"I-like-it guy. Say it.'

I like it.

'Classic.'

[siren wailing]

This whole time we've been focusing

on the talent part of the talent show.

But what about the show part?

[engine sputtering]

You don't want me to juggle chainsaws, do you?

No. That would be ludicrous.

I want you to juggle chainsaws

that have been lit on fire.

Can't I just sing at the talent show?

No, you can't sing! That would be a death sentence!

[fire alarm beeping]

Run for our lives!

[dramatic music]

You saved my life.

I'd like to repay you

by giving you one of these!

It's like those protein shakes are making me weaker.

[tires screeching]

My house!

Hey! Hey, it's the I-like-it guy!

You live here?

- Say it! - My house is burning down.

That's not the line.

Turn on the water!

No, you remember.

The little mouse goes, "What do you think, sir?"

And you say..

I like it!

Whoo-hoo!

- Yeah! - Yeah!

[both laughing]

Hey, when you're done, can we get a picture?

[tires screeching]

Well, this is it. Good luck.

[indistinct announcement on PA]

This is the bus station. What about the talent show?

You can't go to the talent show.

You don't have a talent.

- Here. Take this. - What's this?

Everything you need to start a new life.

Fake passport, fake money

and my fake number, in case of emergency.

"Fernando Valenzuela?"

The baseball player?

The beloved baseball player.

Get ready to have tons of friends.

Please, just take me to the talent show.

Ah, uh..

Your funeral, Fernando.

[engine starts]

[instrumental music]

Psst. Hey. You're that guy.

- Say it. - Shh. There's a kid onstage.

I know. It's my kid. Come on. Say it.

- No. - Just say it!

I'm not gonna say it.

As a matter of fact

I'm never gonna say it again

ever!

Typical Hollywood jerk.

[music continues]

Oh, good. You haven't gone on.

I took this from the science lab.

I think they're scorpions.

I'm not sure what you should do with them.

Maybe eat 'em, let 'em run around on your face

something like that?

(male #2) 'And now, our next contestant..'

- Wish me luck. - Wait.

You forgot the scorpions.

I don't need 'em.

[coughing]

That's my baby!

[whistles]

What is she doing?

My name's Gossamer, and I'm gonna sing.

[piano music]

♪ The leaves of brown came tumblin' down ♪

♪ Remember ♪

♪ In September ♪

♪ In the rain? ♪

[piano music]

♪ The sun went out just like a dying ember ♪

♪ That September ♪

♪ In the rain ♪

♪ To every word of love I heard ♪

♪ You whisper ♪

♪ The raindrops seem ♪

♪ To play a sweet refrain ♪

♪ Though spring is here ♪

♪ To me it's still September ♪

♪ That September ♪

♪ In the rain ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪

[giggling]

I like it.

[applauding]

[all cheering]

[instrumental music]

[all laughing]

I can't thank you enough for helping my boy.

Yes, you can. You're a witch. You can do anything.

Come on, wave your wand. Make me strong.

I wanna be strong

super strong, with wings.

And give me 3-D vision.

Stay away from my son.

What's with the glass box full of sand?

- It's a scorpion tank. - Where are the scorpions?

[children screaming]

Something bit me!

[engine starts]

[car alarm wailing]

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

click

[dramatic music]

[whooshing]

[dramatic music]

Meep, meep.

[thud]

[instrumental music]

[rattling]

[whooshing]

[chomping]

[dramatic music]

[rope creaking]

[thud]

clank

[fire hissing]

[dramatic music]

[bones crackling]

[thud]

boom

Meep, meep.

♪ Ave ♪

♪ Mari-i-i-ia ♪♪

[singing in foreign language]

So is this why you didn't want me

to sing at the talent show?

It's just as painful in 3-D.

[singing continues]

[glass shatters]

[theme music]

You're welcome.