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1
00:00:04,500 --> 00:00:05,740
HE LAUGHS
Argh!
2
00:00:06,820 --> 00:00:07,980
Oh my God!
3
00:00:10,820 --> 00:00:12,420
Go!
4
00:00:14,060 --> 00:00:15,740
Yes!
Help!
5
00:00:20,380 --> 00:00:22,260
Argh!
Oh yeah.
6
00:00:24,940 --> 00:00:26,660
APPLAUSE
7
00:00:33,980 --> 00:00:37,020
Thank you. I'm Greg Davies.
8
00:00:37,060 --> 00:00:40,700
Welcome to the Taskmaster
series five grand final!
9
00:00:40,740 --> 00:00:42,580
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
10
00:00:44,820 --> 00:00:47,060
Now then, all good things
must come to an end,
11
00:00:47,100 --> 00:00:49,380
but good things also come
to those that wait.
12
00:00:50,340 --> 00:00:51,700
Yet time waits for no man.
13
00:00:51,740 --> 00:00:54,020
And let's not forget
no man is an island.
14
00:00:54,060 --> 00:00:55,380
Many hands make light work.
15
00:00:55,420 --> 00:00:57,940
Yeah, too many cooks
spoil the broth.
16
00:00:57,980 --> 00:01:00,780
And you should never bite
the hand that feeds you.
17
00:01:00,820 --> 00:01:04,020
This series we've learned
you can't always get what you want.
18
00:01:04,060 --> 00:01:06,260
So chin up,
there's no time like the present.
19
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:08,740
May the best man or woman win.
20
00:01:10,300 --> 00:01:13,420
Your Taskmaster series five
finalists are...
21
00:01:13,460 --> 00:01:15,500
Aisling Bea.
CHEERING
22
00:01:15,820 --> 00:01:18,140
Bob Mortimer.
CHEERING
23
00:01:18,180 --> 00:01:19,780
Mark Watson.
CHEERING
24
00:01:19,820 --> 00:01:21,180
Nish Kumar!
CHEERING
25
00:01:21,220 --> 00:01:24,100
And Sally Phillips.
CHEERING
26
00:01:25,700 --> 00:01:28,180
And here, always here, forever here,
27
00:01:28,220 --> 00:01:31,740
it's (SINGS) Alex Horne.
28
00:01:31,780 --> 00:01:33,580
CHEERING
29
00:01:34,140 --> 00:01:35,820
I like that, thank you.
30
00:01:37,220 --> 00:01:39,300
You feeling ready for the big one?
31
00:01:39,340 --> 00:01:41,740
Not really, I'm having
a bit of a wobble if I'm honest.
32
00:01:41,780 --> 00:01:45,020
I've lost my Bumper Book
of Proverbs, can't find it.
33
00:01:45,060 --> 00:01:49,620
And er... I'm also worried about
what's going on in the world.
34
00:01:49,660 --> 00:01:53,260
I've done a lot of reading.
I just can't stand it any more.
35
00:01:53,300 --> 00:01:57,020
Things like 78 per cent of the air
is now nitrogen.
36
00:01:57,060 --> 00:01:58,780
Always has been.
Has it? OK.
37
00:01:58,820 --> 00:01:59,900
LAUGHTER
38
00:01:59,940 --> 00:02:04,300
Crop circles, they're on about
crop circles. The tooth fairy.
39
00:02:04,340 --> 00:02:05,620
I read...
Thumb! Thumb?
40
00:02:05,660 --> 00:02:07,460
LAUGHTER
41
00:02:09,740 --> 00:02:13,180
So what's the prize category
for this big old final?
42
00:02:13,220 --> 00:02:16,580
'Today we've asked them to bring in,
it's a good one, the most awkward
item
43
00:02:16,620 --> 00:02:18,620
for somebody else to take home.
44
00:02:18,660 --> 00:02:19,900
LAUGHTER
45
00:02:21,100 --> 00:02:25,460
'So whoever's item you think
would be the most awkward item to
take home wins
46
00:02:25,500 --> 00:02:28,100
and at the end of the episode
the person with the most points
47
00:02:28,140 --> 00:02:29,860
will take home
all the awkward items,
48
00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:32,420
which will probably be quite tricky.
Yeah.
49
00:02:32,460 --> 00:02:36,220
'Mark Watson, what have you decided
would be the most awkward thing
to take home?
50
00:02:36,260 --> 00:02:38,980
I've brought in what can
only be described as a bathroom.
51
00:02:39,020 --> 00:02:40,220
LAUGHTER
Erm...
52
00:02:41,660 --> 00:02:44,340
So it's a full bathroom suite?
Well, yeah.
53
00:02:44,380 --> 00:02:45,700
LAUGHTER
54
00:02:52,940 --> 00:02:55,180
I feel this is pretty awkward
to get home.
55
00:02:55,220 --> 00:02:58,020
Obviously I know cos it was a hell
of a hassle to get it here.
56
00:02:58,060 --> 00:02:59,140
LAUGHTER
57
00:02:59,180 --> 00:03:01,340
Did you bring it here? It is here.
58
00:03:01,380 --> 00:03:04,660
'Yes, I brought it here. There's
a toilet, a bath and a sink, as you
can see.
59
00:03:04,700 --> 00:03:07,740
And I have to say it wasn't
an easy few weeks of my life.
60
00:03:07,780 --> 00:03:10,860
I'll be honest with you, Mark,
and I hope this isn't insulting.
61
00:03:10,900 --> 00:03:14,220
I find it hard to believe you can
even pick up a piece of cheese.
62
00:03:14,260 --> 00:03:15,380
LAUGHTER
63
00:03:16,620 --> 00:03:19,540
Looks nice, nice bath in it,
nice washing your face.
64
00:03:19,580 --> 00:03:22,340
Looks like that toilet's gonna take
a heavy payload so well done.
65
00:03:22,380 --> 00:03:24,100
LAUGHTER
Shall I move on to Bob?
66
00:03:24,140 --> 00:03:25,500
Yes, please.
OK.
67
00:03:25,540 --> 00:03:29,060
Oh, man, I brought
a "I love Katie Hopkins" hat.
68
00:03:29,100 --> 00:03:32,700
I no longer believe in it.
You no longer believe in it?
69
00:03:32,740 --> 00:03:34,180
I did then, I don't now.
70
00:03:34,220 --> 00:03:37,900
It's not just the hat, you also
brought in a T-shirt. Oh God.
71
00:03:38,540 --> 00:03:40,020
LAUGHTER
72
00:03:43,020 --> 00:03:44,620
APPLAUSE
73
00:03:45,980 --> 00:03:48,140
They are awkward items, obviously.
74
00:03:48,180 --> 00:03:50,780
I would argue you could pop them
in a bag. Yeah. Who's next?
75
00:03:50,820 --> 00:03:52,620
LAUGHTER
76
00:03:52,660 --> 00:03:56,340
Nish Kumar.
I've brought 14 kilograms of curry.
77
00:03:56,380 --> 00:03:58,340
LAUGHTER
78
00:04:00,420 --> 00:04:02,980
APPLAUSE
79
00:04:05,020 --> 00:04:07,380
Would that be awkward?
Take me, for example,
80
00:04:07,420 --> 00:04:09,580
would that be awkward
for me to get out the studio?
81
00:04:09,620 --> 00:04:12,460
Well, it's in a wok.
LAUGHTER
82
00:04:12,500 --> 00:04:14,900
Let's role play, Alex.
I'll get on the tube. OK.
83
00:04:18,260 --> 00:04:21,460
Oh God. Oh! What have you got there?
84
00:04:21,500 --> 00:04:23,500
14 kilograms of curry.
85
00:04:26,340 --> 00:04:27,780
LAUGHTER
86
00:04:27,820 --> 00:04:31,620
You seem to have dropped
your newspaper. Oh, that's awkward.
87
00:04:34,420 --> 00:04:35,700
APPLAUSE
88
00:04:37,620 --> 00:04:38,780
Aisling?
89
00:04:38,820 --> 00:04:42,260
I'd love one of you guys to bring
home a cardboard cut-out of me.
90
00:04:42,300 --> 00:04:45,540
It's me doing the big thumbs up.
Let's have a look at it.
91
00:04:45,580 --> 00:04:47,340
The big thumbs up.
LAUGHTER
92
00:04:48,340 --> 00:04:52,260
'I wouldn't think that would be
awkward to take out. I think it's
perfectly nice.
93
00:04:52,300 --> 00:04:54,940
I've got one of me,
we can swapsies if you want?
94
00:04:58,060 --> 00:05:00,620
Mine are £36 on Amazon.
LAUGHTER
95
00:05:01,180 --> 00:05:03,700
34.97.
They've gone down.
96
00:05:03,740 --> 00:05:04,980
LAUGHTER
97
00:05:06,020 --> 00:05:09,220
Who's next?
The last to go is Sally Phillips.
98
00:05:09,260 --> 00:05:12,740
I brought loads of helium balloons.
Loads and loads.
99
00:05:12,780 --> 00:05:15,820
A hundred or something,
and if you're a bloke,
100
00:05:15,860 --> 00:05:19,500
'that'd be awkward and embarrassing
to get home because everyone will
say to you,
101
00:05:19,540 --> 00:05:20,700
"Ha ha ha!"
102
00:05:21,700 --> 00:05:26,380
'If you're a girl, they'll lift you
off into the sky and you'll go to
Paradise Falls.
103
00:05:26,420 --> 00:05:27,660
LAUGHTER
104
00:05:27,700 --> 00:05:30,660
They would lift a three kilogram
weight, that many.
105
00:05:30,700 --> 00:05:32,620
A penguin chick.
LAUGHTER
106
00:05:33,380 --> 00:05:36,140
Go on, Greg, rate the prizes.
107
00:05:36,180 --> 00:05:41,140
'I'm putting Bob's T-shirt in last
place because I believe you can put
it in a bag.
108
00:05:41,180 --> 00:05:42,660
LAUGHTER
109
00:05:42,700 --> 00:05:44,900
I'm putting Aisling's in second
to last place
110
00:05:44,940 --> 00:05:48,700
because I think it's a perfectly
nice cut-out of her. Oh!
111
00:05:48,740 --> 00:05:52,260
Three, erm... Just pop some
balloons, put Sally in there.
112
00:05:52,300 --> 00:05:54,740
Nish.
Nish? The curry?
113
00:05:54,780 --> 00:05:59,620
It might be too big for some people.
I'd gobble that bad boy down.
114
00:05:59,660 --> 00:06:03,100
So the winner, without a question,
the most awkward item to remove
115
00:06:03,140 --> 00:06:04,900
is a full bathroom
and it's Mark Watson!
116
00:06:04,940 --> 00:06:06,860
CHEERING
117
00:06:10,420 --> 00:06:14,220
So at this point I can tell you
what the series scores are.
118
00:06:14,260 --> 00:06:16,580
AUDIENCE: Woo!
We are in the final.
119
00:06:16,620 --> 00:06:19,980
With a massive 97, Nish Kumar.
120
00:06:20,020 --> 00:06:22,140
CHEERING
121
00:06:22,380 --> 00:06:23,980
97!
97!
122
00:06:24,020 --> 00:06:26,100
97. And the next person
nowhere near you.
123
00:06:26,980 --> 00:06:28,420
Sally's on 116.
124
00:06:28,460 --> 00:06:29,820
LAUGHTER
125
00:06:33,100 --> 00:06:39,420
Then we go to 118 for Aisling,
123 for Bob, 124 for Mark!
126
00:06:39,460 --> 00:06:41,540
CHEERING
127
00:06:44,300 --> 00:06:45,420
So here we go.
128
00:06:45,460 --> 00:06:48,540
What's the first proper task
of this final episode?
129
00:06:48,580 --> 00:06:51,020
Well, obviously,
it's more coconuts. Mmm!
130
00:07:06,700 --> 00:07:08,580
Oi oi!
131
00:07:08,620 --> 00:07:10,740
Hi, Alex.
Hello, Bob.
132
00:07:10,780 --> 00:07:13,300
Phew! Heavy door today.
Yes.
133
00:07:14,660 --> 00:07:16,820
You all right?
This old chestnut.
134
00:07:16,860 --> 00:07:18,940
Coconut.
LAUGHTER
135
00:07:20,500 --> 00:07:22,060
HE LAUGHS
136
00:07:22,100 --> 00:07:24,860
"Get this coconut as far from here
as possible."
137
00:07:24,900 --> 00:07:28,740
"You may not touch the ground."
I am touching the grand.
138
00:07:28,780 --> 00:07:31,020
You're touching the rug.
You're OK at the moment.
139
00:07:31,900 --> 00:07:35,300
"You may not step on anything
more than once."
140
00:07:35,340 --> 00:07:38,020
"The coconut may not travel by car."
141
00:07:38,060 --> 00:07:40,900
"You have 20 minutes,
your time starts now."
142
00:07:40,940 --> 00:07:44,180
So I can't touch the ground?
No, thank you.
143
00:07:45,220 --> 00:07:46,300
Jesus.
144
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:48,380
Right, OK.
145
00:07:48,420 --> 00:07:51,060
I mean,
I've got to be honest with you.
146
00:07:51,100 --> 00:07:53,780
At this moment in time,
I'm thinking of throwing it.
147
00:07:53,820 --> 00:07:56,460
LAUGHTER
I appreciate your honesty.
148
00:07:56,500 --> 00:07:57,940
APPLAUSE
149
00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:03,980
'The main rule here is you're not
allowed to step on the ground
at any point.
150
00:08:04,020 --> 00:08:07,540
'You're not allowed to touch the
ground. You're only allowed to step
on one thing once.
151
00:08:07,580 --> 00:08:09,780
So right now
I'm stepping on this carpet.
152
00:08:09,820 --> 00:08:13,540
I can move around on it but once I'm
off it I can't get back on it
153
00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:15,060
so I'm now stranded on a chair.
154
00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:17,060
Sweet butt!
Thank you.
155
00:08:17,100 --> 00:08:18,620
LAUGHTER
156
00:08:18,660 --> 00:08:20,620
That's the only reason
I stood on the chair.
157
00:08:20,660 --> 00:08:23,660
'So that's the rules, you have
to get the coconut as far away as
possible
158
00:08:23,700 --> 00:08:26,340
without stepping on the ground
or anything else more than once.
159
00:08:26,380 --> 00:08:29,860
We're gonna start off with three
of them. Aisling, Bob and Nish.
160
00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:33,140
Do you have a photocopier here?
We've got a printer.
161
00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:34,740
I'm looking for a ream of paper.
162
00:08:34,780 --> 00:08:36,700
There'll be a ream of paper
in the printer.
163
00:08:37,820 --> 00:08:40,860
OK, I'm gonna go out the back door.
164
00:08:40,900 --> 00:08:42,980
Jump. Whoa!
165
00:08:45,260 --> 00:08:48,340
So you're now off the rug,
you can't go back on the rug,
166
00:08:48,380 --> 00:08:49,780
Piss and shit!
167
00:08:49,820 --> 00:08:53,620
Still on the carpet.
Still part of my first step.
168
00:08:53,660 --> 00:08:56,140
I'm gonna have to throw it over
the gate. OK.
169
00:09:08,620 --> 00:09:10,620
There and here I go.
170
00:09:11,020 --> 00:09:12,180
Mat!
171
00:09:13,540 --> 00:09:14,620
Go!
172
00:09:14,660 --> 00:09:16,100
Go! Yes!
173
00:09:16,700 --> 00:09:18,540
Go! Go!
174
00:09:19,020 --> 00:09:20,500
Go! Go!
175
00:09:21,540 --> 00:09:23,740
Could you open the gates, please,
Alex? Yes.
176
00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:30,420
Oh, I've fucked it up!
177
00:09:32,660 --> 00:09:34,620
Oh, I've fucked it up!
178
00:09:34,660 --> 00:09:36,860
As I thought it might,
I hit the hedge.
179
00:09:36,900 --> 00:09:40,140
There it is. It's natural
environment. Like a little bear poo.
180
00:09:41,220 --> 00:09:42,700
Take off my trousers.
181
00:09:47,580 --> 00:09:49,140
You're on the mat.
I'm on the mat.
182
00:09:50,460 --> 00:09:52,500
I'm gonna try
and chuck this over there.
183
00:09:52,540 --> 00:09:55,340
OK, I'm gonna make sure no one's
standing there. Yeah.
184
00:09:56,700 --> 00:09:58,340
I'm standing on this now.
185
00:09:58,380 --> 00:10:00,300
I'm gonna bowl it.
186
00:10:00,340 --> 00:10:02,340
One, two...
187
00:10:02,900 --> 00:10:04,020
Three!
188
00:10:04,060 --> 00:10:06,820
Oh, it rolled back
towards the house.
189
00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:12,580
Everybody, hold on to your butts.
190
00:10:14,700 --> 00:10:16,020
HE GROANS
191
00:10:17,020 --> 00:10:18,020
LAUGHTER
192
00:10:26,140 --> 00:10:28,100
This is the grand final.
193
00:10:28,140 --> 00:10:29,380
LAUGHTER
194
00:10:29,420 --> 00:10:32,860
'I will say that it rolled back
quite close to you. You could have
thrown it again.
195
00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:34,780
Back inside, that was the end.
196
00:10:35,820 --> 00:10:37,180
Four minutes left.
197
00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:39,020
LAUGHTER
198
00:10:41,180 --> 00:10:44,300
So close.
Same with Bob, presumably? Very...
199
00:10:44,340 --> 00:10:48,900
'He couldn't get to it because it was
on the ground whereas Nish could
reach it.
200
00:10:48,940 --> 00:10:50,260
Ah!
201
00:10:50,300 --> 00:10:52,620
You're like a
finally trained athlete though.
202
00:10:52,660 --> 00:10:56,780
Because you said, "Oh no,
I fucked it!" I'm quoting there.
203
00:10:56,820 --> 00:11:01,380
As it left your hands you knew,
ah, that's fucked. Yeah.
204
00:11:01,420 --> 00:11:05,020
We were quite relieved when you
missed the busy road though.
205
00:11:05,060 --> 00:11:06,140
LAUGHTER
206
00:11:06,180 --> 00:11:09,300
'I'm intrigued by your decision,
Aisling, not to throw over
the fence.
207
00:11:09,340 --> 00:11:11,660
But to bowl under.
208
00:11:11,700 --> 00:11:12,780
LAUGHTER
209
00:11:12,820 --> 00:11:15,540
It was on a hill.
Ah!
210
00:11:15,580 --> 00:11:18,740
Came back to me.
The old bowl it up a hill mistake.
211
00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:20,780
Classic.
212
00:11:20,820 --> 00:11:24,940
Just stop. It's the first
of the last breaks. Bye for now.
213
00:11:24,980 --> 00:11:26,300
APPLAUSE
214
00:11:34,420 --> 00:11:35,620
APPLAUSE
215
00:11:37,060 --> 00:11:38,380
Hello!
216
00:11:38,420 --> 00:11:40,780
Welcome back to the Taskmaster
grand final.
217
00:11:40,820 --> 00:11:43,580
Alex, do please fill us in
on the latest gossip.
218
00:11:44,780 --> 00:11:47,580
OK, one of the mums at school
was thinking of moving to Spain.
219
00:11:47,620 --> 00:11:48,820
LAUGHTER
220
00:11:50,020 --> 00:11:51,820
Yes, so, er, before the adverts...
221
00:11:51,860 --> 00:11:53,100
LAUGHTER
222
00:11:53,860 --> 00:11:58,220
'Madrid. People were trying to get
a coconut as far away as possible
without touching the ground.
223
00:11:58,260 --> 00:11:59,980
This is Mark Watson's attempt.
224
00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:03,780
Right, so, I'll just...
225
00:12:03,820 --> 00:12:07,180
I can sort of do this.
You can't now go back on the mat.
226
00:12:07,220 --> 00:12:10,100
Ah, cos of the rules? Mmm.
Pity actually about that.
227
00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:16,860
'It's going to be fiddly, isn't it?
And of course I've left the coconut
behind.
228
00:12:16,900 --> 00:12:18,460
LAUGHTER
That can be a bridge.
229
00:12:22,580 --> 00:12:23,860
All right, I'm on the mat.
230
00:12:23,900 --> 00:12:26,100
I tell you what, Oriel,
let's go for a whirl.
231
00:12:27,060 --> 00:12:28,180
Erm...
232
00:12:28,220 --> 00:12:30,940
MUFFLED GRUNTING
OK.
233
00:12:30,980 --> 00:12:32,500
You all right?
234
00:12:32,540 --> 00:12:34,300
Yay!
235
00:12:34,340 --> 00:12:36,220
Is this all right for you?
236
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:43,940
If we can get to the river,
I'll drop it in there.
237
00:12:47,180 --> 00:12:48,740
Three minutes 45.
238
00:12:50,540 --> 00:12:53,940
We'll be all right.
OK, that'll do it. Thank you, Oriel.
239
00:12:55,100 --> 00:12:56,980
I'm now gonna hurl the coconut
into the river.
240
00:12:57,020 --> 00:13:00,740
'And at that point the distance that
the coconut travels is for other
people to determine.
241
00:13:04,140 --> 00:13:05,500
Fling!
242
00:13:07,140 --> 00:13:08,340
APPLAUSE
243
00:13:12,540 --> 00:13:14,820
I'll be thinking about it
for the rest of my life.
244
00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:18,900
I don't want to exaggerate the
importance of it psychologically
245
00:13:18,940 --> 00:13:21,700
but it probably will be the last
thing I think about before I die.
246
00:13:21,740 --> 00:13:23,980
You might not have actually touched
the ground.
247
00:13:24,020 --> 00:13:27,460
We could just check...
check the footage... Have a look.
248
00:13:28,420 --> 00:13:30,100
Yeah, you did.
LAUGHTER
249
00:13:32,220 --> 00:13:34,220
You lost to a complete buffoon.
250
00:13:34,260 --> 00:13:36,060
LAUGHTER
251
00:13:36,100 --> 00:13:39,780
Of course, it hadn't even occurred
to me that Nish has beaten you.
252
00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:41,140
LAUGHTER
253
00:13:42,180 --> 00:13:44,780
At least your actual coconut throw
at the end was impressive
254
00:13:44,820 --> 00:13:47,980
All of it was impressive apart from
the bit where I destroyed my life.
255
00:13:48,020 --> 00:13:50,420
LAUGHTER
Who's next?
256
00:13:50,460 --> 00:13:53,060
Last up, it's Phillip Sallys.
257
00:13:54,620 --> 00:13:55,940
LAUGHTER
258
00:13:55,980 --> 00:13:58,740
I may not touch the ground
but you may touch the ground, Alex.
259
00:13:58,780 --> 00:14:00,100
Yes, I can touch the ground.
260
00:14:02,620 --> 00:14:06,980
I would like to ask you to take this
coconut to the post office
261
00:14:07,020 --> 00:14:09,980
and post it to my friend in Fiji.
262
00:14:10,020 --> 00:14:13,460
And what's in it for me?
What's in it for you?
263
00:14:13,500 --> 00:14:15,820
You're demanding payment, are you?
264
00:14:15,860 --> 00:14:18,980
I could tattoo you if you like.
Could draw all over your arse.
265
00:14:19,020 --> 00:14:20,900
A pastoral scene.
266
00:14:20,940 --> 00:14:24,140
I'll just take the coconut. Yeah?
Take the coconut to the post office?
267
00:14:24,180 --> 00:14:27,180
'I'll give you my credit card.
You can pay for the whole thing like
a box.
268
00:14:27,220 --> 00:14:29,420
It's in my bag.
You want me to get the bag?
269
00:14:29,460 --> 00:14:32,820
'Go and get the bag. You're just
gonna sit on the table? I'm gonna
sit on the table.
270
00:14:32,860 --> 00:14:37,060
That's the one. Maybe I'll send it
to the prime minister of Fiji.
271
00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:39,140
The prime minister of Fiji.
272
00:14:39,180 --> 00:14:40,980
Fourth floor, government buildings.
273
00:14:41,660 --> 00:14:43,940
New Wing. Fiji.
274
00:14:43,980 --> 00:14:46,820
Right. Thank you.
Good luck. Quickly. Speed.
275
00:14:48,460 --> 00:14:51,020
Right, prime minister of Fiji.
276
00:14:52,220 --> 00:14:55,860
'The great thing about this is
it requires such little effort
from myself.
277
00:14:55,900 --> 00:14:57,500
BICYCLE BELL RINGS
278
00:14:57,540 --> 00:14:59,140
APPLAUSE
279
00:15:01,780 --> 00:15:03,820
Amazing. Did it make it to Fiji?
280
00:15:03,860 --> 00:15:07,100
No, it made it to East Cheam
post office where I was told
281
00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:09,900
there was a list of restricted items
that you can send to Fiji.
282
00:15:09,940 --> 00:15:11,100
LAUGHTER
283
00:15:11,140 --> 00:15:14,060
Fresh fruit and flowers, roots,
crops, rice, mushrooms and coconuts.
284
00:15:14,100 --> 00:15:15,500
LAUGHTER
285
00:15:15,540 --> 00:15:19,540
'I'm not an expert but something
tells me Fiji's probably got
coconuts covered.
286
00:15:19,580 --> 00:15:20,580
LAUGHTER
287
00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:24,340
Let me show you on a map
how far they all got.
288
00:15:25,100 --> 00:15:28,220
There's the house, the first one
33 metres away, that's Bob.
289
00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:31,580
Then we've got Aisling at the back
of the house. Little bit further.
290
00:15:31,620 --> 00:15:33,340
Nish obviously
in exactly the same place.
291
00:15:33,380 --> 00:15:36,660
And the river there, it's irrelevant
but that's Mark Watson's.
292
00:15:36,700 --> 00:15:40,420
Then 1.1 miles away in East Cheam.
Five points to Sally.
293
00:15:40,460 --> 00:15:43,020
Clearly five points!
294
00:15:43,700 --> 00:15:45,660
APPLAUSE
295
00:15:47,220 --> 00:15:49,260
I think it's time to see
the scores now, Alex.
296
00:15:49,300 --> 00:15:51,780
It is time
and it's tight for the final.
297
00:15:51,820 --> 00:15:53,620
There are three people
in third place.
298
00:15:53,660 --> 00:15:56,260
Sally Phillips is in the lead
at the moment with eight points!
299
00:15:56,300 --> 00:15:58,700
APPLAUSE
300
00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:03,900
OK, another task, please, Alex.
Right you are, Greg.
301
00:16:03,940 --> 00:16:05,980
Little warning,
this one is quite graphic.
302
00:16:06,700 --> 00:16:07,940
Ooh!
303
00:16:21,660 --> 00:16:23,820
WHISTLING
304
00:16:23,860 --> 00:16:26,260
Whistling a happy tune for you,
Alex. Thank you, Bob.
305
00:16:26,300 --> 00:16:28,860
What's the haps?
I don't know what you mean.
306
00:16:28,900 --> 00:16:32,660
How you doing? Unfortunately
I'm sorry but I've dropped the task.
307
00:16:33,380 --> 00:16:36,060
Not on porpoise
but I've dropped it. Ah.
308
00:16:36,100 --> 00:16:39,540
It fell on the floor and then some
of my loose change fell on it.
309
00:16:39,580 --> 00:16:42,460
And then some sand fell on it.
I've got this though.
310
00:16:42,500 --> 00:16:45,620
What? So I have to be
like a metal detector?
311
00:16:45,660 --> 00:16:47,700
Just sweep it slowly and low.
312
00:16:48,420 --> 00:16:49,980
Even lower.
313
00:16:50,020 --> 00:16:52,140
No, I meant the detector.
314
00:16:52,180 --> 00:16:53,460
LAUGHTER
315
00:16:53,500 --> 00:16:54,900
BLEEPING
There!
316
00:16:57,860 --> 00:16:59,100
Got it.
317
00:16:59,140 --> 00:17:00,460
Oh, thanks, Bob.
318
00:17:00,500 --> 00:17:03,060
I'm not going without the cash,
though. No, that's for you.
319
00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:05,500
Fancy sitting on that.
You're going to sit on the head?
320
00:17:05,540 --> 00:17:06,860
SHE LAUGHS
Why not?
321
00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:09,500
"Create the best graph.
322
00:17:09,540 --> 00:17:12,740
You have 20 minutes,
your time starts..."
323
00:17:12,780 --> 00:17:15,780
Now. (MAKES TRUMPET FANFARE SOUND)
324
00:17:15,820 --> 00:17:17,260
Erm...
325
00:17:17,300 --> 00:17:20,060
I caved his skull in with my arse!
326
00:17:25,180 --> 00:17:27,060
OK, reiterate what the task was.
327
00:17:27,100 --> 00:17:30,020
The task was create the best graph.
That's all it was.
328
00:17:30,060 --> 00:17:31,940
Any sort of graph.
Graph.
329
00:17:31,980 --> 00:17:34,460
(NORTHERN ACCENT) A graph.
(SOUTHERN ACCENT) Graph.
330
00:17:34,500 --> 00:17:36,420
A graph.
Exactly, a graph.
331
00:17:36,460 --> 00:17:39,860
This isn't a Londoncentric show.
You can say graph.
332
00:17:39,900 --> 00:17:42,140
I already have said graph.
Say graph. Graph.
333
00:17:42,180 --> 00:17:43,420
Say graph.
Graph.
334
00:17:44,420 --> 00:17:47,500
Shall we see the funny contestants
make graphs now? OK.
335
00:17:47,540 --> 00:17:49,500
This is their graph making.
336
00:17:51,060 --> 00:17:53,500
Let me just remember
how a graph works.
337
00:17:53,540 --> 00:17:54,620
Have you started yet?
338
00:17:55,820 --> 00:17:58,420
You can't rush genius.
Hurry up.
339
00:17:59,300 --> 00:18:00,980
LAUGHTER
340
00:18:01,020 --> 00:18:03,540
I'm using the landscape.
341
00:18:03,580 --> 00:18:06,660
Oh, do you know
omnipurpose jaws of doom graph?
342
00:18:06,700 --> 00:18:08,380
I don't know that.
That's quite good.
343
00:18:08,420 --> 00:18:12,860
The biggest urinators in the
British isles are the Scottish.
344
00:18:12,900 --> 00:18:17,020
Why's that? That's because (SCOTTISH
ACCENT) the water's so delicious.
345
00:18:18,500 --> 00:18:19,900
Argh, the graph!
346
00:18:20,540 --> 00:18:23,740
How far in that direction can they
go because... Your graph.
347
00:18:23,780 --> 00:18:28,180
Oh, cows don't have it easy,
or oxen, do they?
348
00:18:28,220 --> 00:18:30,140
So I'll make it as big as possible.
349
00:18:30,180 --> 00:18:32,740
The graph is meant to represent
all the people that have lived
350
00:18:32,780 --> 00:18:34,260
and all the time there's ever been.
351
00:18:34,300 --> 00:18:36,300
I find this quite disturbing.
352
00:18:37,100 --> 00:18:38,820
Can I ask what units
we're talking about?
353
00:18:38,860 --> 00:18:41,100
Units of piss.
Yeah.
354
00:18:43,140 --> 00:18:45,780
Beach ball? Where's that?
355
00:18:46,300 --> 00:18:47,420
Oh.
356
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:49,140
SHE LAUGHS
357
00:18:49,180 --> 00:18:53,260
Big graph, Mark. Is it finished?
It's not finished.
358
00:18:54,340 --> 00:18:56,660
To complete it, here's what we do.
359
00:18:58,740 --> 00:19:01,060
I'm pretty pleased with my graph.
360
00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:10,300
Nish Kumar. A 3D graph.
361
00:19:10,340 --> 00:19:13,100
We can see it, this is pre labels.
362
00:19:14,340 --> 00:19:18,460
As a straight line,
you're unconventional.
363
00:19:18,500 --> 00:19:19,820
LAUGHTER
364
00:19:20,340 --> 00:19:23,940
That vertical line
is a chubby old front.
365
00:19:23,980 --> 00:19:26,140
LAUGHTER
366
00:19:26,180 --> 00:19:28,140
This is what is represented
on the graph.
367
00:19:28,180 --> 00:19:29,940
LAUGHTER
368
00:19:30,820 --> 00:19:32,780
APPLAUSE
369
00:19:34,820 --> 00:19:38,060
So the amount of time you spend with
me, the more fun you have.
370
00:19:38,100 --> 00:19:40,140
I think we can all agree. Nish.
371
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:41,620
LAUGHTER
372
00:19:41,660 --> 00:19:45,220
Would you like to move on to the
biggest graph of them all?
373
00:19:45,260 --> 00:19:47,820
It's 60 metres by 60 metres,
it's an al fresco graph.
374
00:19:47,860 --> 00:19:49,180
Here's Mark Watson's graph.
375
00:19:50,300 --> 00:19:55,140
'So that was taken with a drone
and for scale those little dots
at the bottom are...
376
00:19:55,180 --> 00:19:56,780
Do you want to talk us through it,
Mark?
377
00:19:56,820 --> 00:19:59,500
So this is a graph
of how people have voted,
378
00:19:59,540 --> 00:20:01,500
which party they voted for,
379
00:20:01,540 --> 00:20:04,580
but across the whole of time
and the whole of humanity ever.
380
00:20:04,620 --> 00:20:06,420
It is an eternal electoral graph.
381
00:20:06,460 --> 00:20:10,380
'Correct me if I'm wrong, on this,
and I hope you don't mind me
saying this,
382
00:20:10,420 --> 00:20:13,340
light entertainment show...
LAUGHTER
383
00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:18,420
'...what you've produced is a graph
that shows the pointlessness
of democracy.
384
00:20:18,460 --> 00:20:19,740
LAUGHTER
385
00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:24,060
Erm... not just of democracy but of
all human endeavour, basically.
386
00:20:24,100 --> 00:20:27,460
'But to be fair, if people are
watching Taskmaster they realise
that already.
387
00:20:28,860 --> 00:20:31,780
We'd like to look at Sally's
omnipurpose jaws of doom.
388
00:20:31,820 --> 00:20:33,980
Is that her graph?
Yes. Let's go.
389
00:20:35,180 --> 00:20:38,180
There it is, the Y axis says Sex,
390
00:20:38,220 --> 00:20:40,420
the X axis says Time.
391
00:20:40,900 --> 00:20:44,220
And she's represented Want and Get
with the lines.
392
00:20:44,260 --> 00:20:45,740
LAUGHTER
393
00:20:47,420 --> 00:20:52,660
This is the latest in a series
of incidences with Sally
394
00:20:52,700 --> 00:20:57,300
where she's made it very clear that
she wants more sex in her life.
395
00:20:57,340 --> 00:20:58,340
LAUGHTER
396
00:20:58,380 --> 00:21:01,740
I think it's a bit like fossil fuels
in the ozone layer.
397
00:21:01,780 --> 00:21:06,340
'The time for graphs has stopped and
we should huddle together and see
what we're gonna do about it.
398
00:21:06,380 --> 00:21:08,140
LAUGHTER
399
00:21:08,180 --> 00:21:11,780
Great. That's wonderful to hear,
thank you so much.
400
00:21:11,820 --> 00:21:13,260
My work here is done, thank you.
401
00:21:13,300 --> 00:21:16,140
LAUGHTER
See you all...
402
00:21:25,940 --> 00:21:29,340
It's the end of part two already.
See you in a few minutes.
403
00:21:29,380 --> 00:21:30,500
APPLAUSE
404
00:21:37,380 --> 00:21:38,860
APPLAUSE
405
00:21:42,140 --> 00:21:43,620
Great to have you back.
406
00:21:43,660 --> 00:21:46,300
What was happening before that
welcome pause, Alex?
407
00:21:46,340 --> 00:21:49,540
We've been seeing the competitors
designing graphs on a beach, Greg.
408
00:21:49,580 --> 00:21:53,340
And now it's time to have a look at
Aisling Bea's graph.
409
00:21:53,380 --> 00:21:54,900
She did this one.
410
00:21:56,540 --> 00:22:01,380
'This is my graph to show how many
women have been on Taskmaster
versus men.
411
00:22:01,420 --> 00:22:07,380
'And the men are represented
by a mannequin with a broken hand
with a pair of pants
412
00:22:07,420 --> 00:22:10,660
and the women are a mess.
LAUGHTER
413
00:22:10,700 --> 00:22:12,500
Just a head and a hand there.
414
00:22:12,540 --> 00:22:15,300
Which is all you really need
if you're a woman.
415
00:22:16,500 --> 00:22:17,900
LAUGHTER
416
00:22:24,860 --> 00:22:28,020
It's a very worthy sentiment.
Is the graph any good?
417
00:22:28,060 --> 00:22:32,180
'Just numbers wise, you've implied
that in the first series, if you
follow the graph up
418
00:22:32,220 --> 00:22:35,540
'there are the same number of men and
woman and there were loads more men
then.
419
00:22:35,580 --> 00:22:39,340
So graph wise... Do you know what's
the worst thing about this?
420
00:22:39,380 --> 00:22:42,780
Two men are going to explain to me,
and rightly so...
421
00:22:42,820 --> 00:22:44,100
LAUGHTER
422
00:22:47,060 --> 00:22:49,820
...why my maths are shit!
423
00:22:50,780 --> 00:22:52,380
I think it's more serious than that.
424
00:22:52,420 --> 00:22:54,580
I think that graph
has done women a disservice.
425
00:22:54,620 --> 00:22:55,820
LAUGHTER
426
00:22:55,860 --> 00:22:57,900
I think it might have set us back,
Sal!
427
00:22:57,940 --> 00:23:00,220
It's anti-feminist.
428
00:23:00,260 --> 00:23:02,540
Criticising the graph,
not the sentiment.
429
00:23:03,420 --> 00:23:04,860
Who's next?
It's Bob.
430
00:23:04,900 --> 00:23:06,620
Fairly obvious what this represents.
431
00:23:08,220 --> 00:23:10,020
LAUGHTER
432
00:23:10,620 --> 00:23:14,860
On the Y axis, as we all know,
it's units of urine,
433
00:23:14,900 --> 00:23:17,660
and on the X
it's the counties of Britain.
434
00:23:17,700 --> 00:23:19,500
LAUGHTER
435
00:23:21,380 --> 00:23:24,860
If you're thinking of collecting
vast amounts of piss,
436
00:23:24,900 --> 00:23:26,660
go up to Dumfries and Galloway.
437
00:23:27,940 --> 00:23:31,660
If you only want small amounts,
eg for household use...
438
00:23:31,700 --> 00:23:33,060
LAUGHTER
439
00:23:33,100 --> 00:23:35,140
...you might like to consider
East Sussex.
440
00:23:35,180 --> 00:23:38,100
How did you get these statistics?
441
00:23:38,140 --> 00:23:43,060
Absolutely accurate
cos I was looking into purchasing
442
00:23:43,100 --> 00:23:44,660
gallons of piss.
443
00:23:44,700 --> 00:23:45,860
LAUGHTER
444
00:23:45,900 --> 00:23:48,140
Cos I was in dispute
with the Woolwich Ferry man.
445
00:23:48,180 --> 00:23:51,780
I thought, fuck it,
I'll fill his boat with piss.
446
00:23:51,820 --> 00:23:54,220
LAUGHTER
447
00:23:54,260 --> 00:23:55,740
Where do I need to go?
448
00:23:55,780 --> 00:23:58,460
LAUGHTER
449
00:23:58,740 --> 00:24:03,100
So people in Dumfries and Galloway
piss about ten times as much...
450
00:24:03,140 --> 00:24:04,860
They literally cannot stop.
451
00:24:04,900 --> 00:24:06,060
LAUGHTER
452
00:24:06,660 --> 00:24:10,060
(SCOTTISH ACCENT) I only had time
to stop for the one Scotch pie
453
00:24:10,100 --> 00:24:12,020
and then the stream started.
454
00:24:12,060 --> 00:24:14,300
LAUGHTER
455
00:24:14,340 --> 00:24:15,980
What a life we have!
456
00:24:16,660 --> 00:24:19,740
The Gulf Stream passes
past Dumfries and Galloway
457
00:24:19,780 --> 00:24:23,340
and I was told that's the reason why
they produce so much urine.
458
00:24:24,060 --> 00:24:27,180
You were quite adamant at the time
it wasn't average per person,
459
00:24:27,220 --> 00:24:29,900
this is total amount and Dumfries
is not a big county. Not at all.
460
00:24:29,940 --> 00:24:34,740
'Yeah, an awful lot, and as you were
doing it, you said, "When you know
the facts, lock themdown."
461
00:24:34,780 --> 00:24:36,380
LAUGHTER
462
00:24:37,540 --> 00:24:42,540
'If I have to die and the final thing
in my head is the image of Bob
Mortimer
463
00:24:42,580 --> 00:24:48,020
harvesting piss to exact revenge
on the owner of a boat...
464
00:24:48,060 --> 00:24:49,380
LAUGHTER
465
00:24:49,420 --> 00:24:51,980
...that will do, mate, that will do.
466
00:24:52,020 --> 00:24:53,980
That would be a great way to go.
467
00:24:54,020 --> 00:24:57,700
'I'm gonna make a quick judgement
on this. I can't draw much of a
distinction
468
00:24:57,740 --> 00:24:59,940
between Aisling's feminist crusade,
469
00:24:59,980 --> 00:25:02,740
Sally's cry for hot action,
470
00:25:03,980 --> 00:25:06,100
and Mark's er...
471
00:25:07,220 --> 00:25:09,100
God, I can't even remember
what Mark's was!
472
00:25:09,140 --> 00:25:11,180
LAUGHTER
473
00:25:11,220 --> 00:25:15,500
Those three together. Joint third.
OK.
474
00:25:15,540 --> 00:25:17,860
And this is going to surprise you.
Mm-hm.
475
00:25:17,900 --> 00:25:20,900
I'm going to put Bob's piss graph
in second place.
476
00:25:20,940 --> 00:25:24,260
'Purely because Birmingham
was on there and I come from near
Birmingham
477
00:25:24,300 --> 00:25:26,820
and I piss like a big old whale.
478
00:25:26,860 --> 00:25:29,660
LAUGHTER
That's true.
479
00:25:29,700 --> 00:25:31,260
APPLAUSE
480
00:25:31,300 --> 00:25:36,100
'So, erm, for one of very few
occasions... He's doing very badly
in the show so far.
481
00:25:36,140 --> 00:25:38,340
Oh God, across the series
he's been truly awful.
482
00:25:38,380 --> 00:25:42,380
But the sheer simplicity
of his chubby fun graph,
483
00:25:42,420 --> 00:25:44,500
Nish Kumar wins this round!
484
00:25:44,540 --> 00:25:46,380
CHEERING
485
00:25:50,260 --> 00:25:55,340
Right, Greg, we've got a very quick
task now for not all of you.
486
00:26:05,940 --> 00:26:07,580
SHE LAUGHS
487
00:26:07,620 --> 00:26:11,620
'"Make the most fish puns. Most fish
puns wins. You have one minute.
Your time starts now."
488
00:26:11,660 --> 00:26:14,380
Er... puns.
489
00:26:14,420 --> 00:26:16,140
Stop carping on.
490
00:26:16,660 --> 00:26:19,140
Er... Er...
491
00:26:21,180 --> 00:26:22,940
Cod do this.
492
00:26:25,500 --> 00:26:28,300
Can you make lots of fish puns?
I trout it.
493
00:26:28,340 --> 00:26:30,300
I trout it very much.
494
00:26:31,460 --> 00:26:34,620
I've got my herring a bun.
495
00:26:34,660 --> 00:26:35,780
My herring a bun.
496
00:26:36,740 --> 00:26:40,580
# I can sing a rainbow trout,
sing a rainbow trout
497
00:26:40,620 --> 00:26:42,620
# Sing a rainbow trout too
498
00:26:44,500 --> 00:26:48,380
Er... He's not very tuna-ful.
499
00:26:49,100 --> 00:26:50,100
Er...
500
00:26:51,380 --> 00:26:53,660
Minnow understand English.
501
00:26:53,700 --> 00:26:54,980
LAUGHTER
502
00:26:55,860 --> 00:26:57,900
Angelfish.
503
00:26:59,340 --> 00:27:02,020
Send in the clownfish.
That's not really a pun.
504
00:27:02,140 --> 00:27:05,620
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
505
00:27:05,660 --> 00:27:07,220
APPLAUSE
506
00:27:10,540 --> 00:27:12,780
I thought you'd all done it.
507
00:27:12,820 --> 00:27:16,180
I'm confused, Alex, because did you
only ask Sally to do it?
508
00:27:16,220 --> 00:27:18,060
She didn't do it by herself.
509
00:27:18,100 --> 00:27:19,780
She was up against me.
510
00:27:19,820 --> 00:27:23,500
I've also tried to get as many fish
puns as possible in one minute.
511
00:27:23,540 --> 00:27:25,260
OK.
Wanna see how I did?
512
00:27:25,300 --> 00:27:27,060
Er, yeah.
OK.
513
00:27:27,100 --> 00:27:28,340
This is my go.
514
00:27:28,380 --> 00:27:31,460
{\an8}I don't want to carp on about it
but I'm worried they might be...
515
00:27:31,500 --> 00:27:33,340
Congratulations.
516
00:27:33,380 --> 00:27:35,900
It's a lovely plaice, though,
isn't it? Beautiful place.
517
00:27:35,940 --> 00:27:40,060
{\an8}You used a tuna baked beans.
Tin of baked beans.
518
00:27:41,140 --> 00:27:43,060
I can get you something to perch on.
519
00:27:43,100 --> 00:27:45,540
There are three tasks
in a roe for you there.
520
00:27:45,580 --> 00:27:48,020
Let minnow when to place it.
521
00:27:48,060 --> 00:27:49,420
Smell it?
522
00:27:49,460 --> 00:27:52,020
{\an8}Urgh, I've already got a haddock.
Headache.
523
00:27:52,060 --> 00:27:56,300
How does it feel? Fine.
Feel a little bit tench but fine.
524
00:27:57,140 --> 00:27:58,460
Very off-fish-ial.
525
00:27:59,340 --> 00:28:01,100
I haven't got very good herring.
526
00:28:01,140 --> 00:28:03,100
But I heard you OK.
527
00:28:03,540 --> 00:28:05,340
I'm sorry but I've dropped the task.
528
00:28:05,380 --> 00:28:07,580
Not on porpoise but I've dropped it.
529
00:28:07,620 --> 00:28:08,700
LAUGHTER
530
00:28:08,740 --> 00:28:10,660
APPLAUSE
531
00:28:13,220 --> 00:28:17,860
So Alex took it upon himself to go
into secret competition with Sally.
532
00:28:17,900 --> 00:28:21,860
'Yeah, I tried really hard every time
we spoke to say a fish word, did you
notice?
533
00:28:21,900 --> 00:28:23,900
I just thought you were bad
at speaking!
534
00:28:23,940 --> 00:28:25,540
LAUGHTER
535
00:28:28,180 --> 00:28:31,300
'This means we can look at the
scoreboard. The scoreboard looks
like this.
536
00:28:34,260 --> 00:28:36,780
So Nish Kumar is the joint leader
with Sally Phillips!
537
00:28:36,820 --> 00:28:38,940
Yes!
CHEERING
538
00:28:42,340 --> 00:28:43,900
THEY SQUEAL
539
00:28:44,780 --> 00:28:48,100
'I'll tell you what, you can get your
face off that scoreboard for a
start.
540
00:28:48,140 --> 00:28:50,540
We'll batter you to death
with an iron bar.
541
00:28:51,060 --> 00:28:52,460
Better, OK.
542
00:28:52,500 --> 00:28:55,340
Last location task of the series
then. That's right.
543
00:28:55,380 --> 00:28:57,420
And we're gonna end with a song.
544
00:29:12,260 --> 00:29:13,620
Hello.
Hello.
545
00:29:13,660 --> 00:29:14,820
Hello.
Hello.
546
00:29:14,860 --> 00:29:17,740
Yo. How are you?
Hello.
547
00:29:17,780 --> 00:29:19,940
Hello!
Hello.
548
00:29:19,980 --> 00:29:23,700
Do we...
Do we strike you?
549
00:29:23,740 --> 00:29:25,500
LAUGHTER
550
00:29:26,580 --> 00:29:29,020
Shall I take the task?
Would you like to?
551
00:29:29,060 --> 00:29:32,100
Yes, I suppose so, yeah.
I'll take the task. Thank you.
552
00:29:32,140 --> 00:29:33,380
We can so do this.
553
00:29:33,420 --> 00:29:36,100
"Write and perform a song
about this woman."
554
00:29:36,140 --> 00:29:37,940
"Best song wins."
555
00:29:37,980 --> 00:29:39,820
"You have five minutes
to talk to the woman."
556
00:29:39,860 --> 00:29:41,660
"Then 30 minutes
to write her a song."
557
00:29:41,700 --> 00:29:44,540
Time starts now so we need to gather
as much information as we can. Hi.
558
00:29:44,580 --> 00:29:46,140
So what's your name?
Rosalind.
559
00:29:46,180 --> 00:29:48,100
Where are you from originally?
Southport.
560
00:29:48,140 --> 00:29:51,140
What do you do for a living?
Japanese translator.
561
00:29:51,180 --> 00:29:52,980
Do you have children?
Yes, two sons.
562
00:29:53,020 --> 00:29:55,260
Two? Are they good men?
Yes.
563
00:29:55,300 --> 00:29:57,220
They're a bit inept at things
but that's fine.
564
00:29:57,260 --> 00:30:00,420
What do you do to pass the time? I'm
an athletics official, track judge,
565
00:30:00,460 --> 00:30:04,020
and I do long jumping.
Long jumper!
566
00:30:04,060 --> 00:30:08,980
'Who's your favourite band of all
time? Good idea. Might lead us to
some music.
567
00:30:09,020 --> 00:30:12,820
Ooh, I like Mozart. Mozart? Mozart?
One of my favourite bands as well.
568
00:30:12,860 --> 00:30:16,260
Have you stolen much in your life?
When I was about ten
569
00:30:16,300 --> 00:30:19,820
'I used to do a bit of sweetie
shoplifting with my best friend
Elaine.
570
00:30:21,260 --> 00:30:23,900
I also play the cello.
Great.
571
00:30:23,940 --> 00:30:26,580
Do you play cello with anyone?
A string quartet, yeah.
572
00:30:26,620 --> 00:30:28,220
My husband and a couple of friends.
573
00:30:28,260 --> 00:30:31,260
And what's the name of your...
My husband is called Alan.
574
00:30:31,300 --> 00:30:33,740
And did you do it in public
or just...
575
00:30:33,780 --> 00:30:37,420
It's not people sitting in rows
watching, it's... just the sound.
576
00:30:37,460 --> 00:30:39,780
Do you eat meat?
As long as it's kosher.
577
00:30:39,820 --> 00:30:42,700
What's your favourite meat?
Chicken, I suppose.
578
00:30:42,740 --> 00:30:44,020
What's your favourite film?
579
00:30:44,060 --> 00:30:46,020
Oh, Hangover 1 and 2.
580
00:30:46,060 --> 00:30:48,780
Favourite food?
Beans on toast. Quite right.
581
00:30:48,820 --> 00:30:51,540
Are the other two in the string
quartet, are they a couple as well?
582
00:30:51,580 --> 00:30:56,700
'They used to be then one got
septicaemia so he lost the use
of three fingers in his left hand.
583
00:30:56,740 --> 00:30:59,020
Would you like to be able to fly?
No.
584
00:30:59,060 --> 00:31:00,500
WHISTLE
585
00:31:00,540 --> 00:31:02,140
APPLAUSE
586
00:31:06,500 --> 00:31:08,260
Bob's first four questions...
587
00:31:09,820 --> 00:31:12,500
Do we strike you?
LAUGHTER
588
00:31:12,540 --> 00:31:14,460
Have you ever stolen?
LAUGHTER
589
00:31:14,500 --> 00:31:16,500
What is your favourite meat?
LAUGHTER
590
00:31:16,540 --> 00:31:19,140
Would you like to be able to fly?
LAUGHTER
591
00:31:20,860 --> 00:31:24,220
Thankfully he had teammates
to take up the slack.
592
00:31:25,700 --> 00:31:29,500
Do you want to see Mark and Nish
first? Yes, I do, please.
593
00:31:29,540 --> 00:31:33,700
'OK, so this, for the first time
ever, is Mark and Nish's song
for a stranger.
594
00:31:35,540 --> 00:31:38,180
Hello, Great Britain!
Hello.
595
00:31:38,740 --> 00:31:41,500
How you all feeling out there?
We're all fine, thank you.
596
00:31:42,900 --> 00:31:46,740
Now's the time you've all been
waiting for. The band!
597
00:31:49,740 --> 00:31:51,580
Good evening, London!
598
00:31:52,820 --> 00:31:55,340
We are The Diverse Stripes.
599
00:31:55,380 --> 00:32:00,300
I am Jack Brown,
and this is my wife's sister Mark.
600
00:32:00,340 --> 00:32:01,580
LAUGHTER
601
00:32:01,620 --> 00:32:06,380
'This is called I'm Always Seeing
You, open brackets, Do Cool Stuff,
closed brackets.
602
00:32:06,420 --> 00:32:09,140
All right,
and one, two, three, four.
603
00:32:45,980 --> 00:32:47,620
LAUGHTER
604
00:32:47,660 --> 00:32:48,860
MICROPHONE FEEDBACK
605
00:32:49,180 --> 00:32:50,380
Two, three, four!
606
00:33:13,140 --> 00:33:14,620
{\an8}MARK HARMONISES
607
00:33:34,180 --> 00:33:35,940
APPLAUSE
608
00:33:37,380 --> 00:33:39,100
'CHEERING AND WHISTLING
609
00:33:51,500 --> 00:33:53,940
Something in my eye!
610
00:33:53,980 --> 00:33:56,500
I mean, unbelievable.
611
00:33:57,660 --> 00:33:59,820
Who'd have thought Mark Watson
was a drummer!
612
00:33:59,860 --> 00:34:03,260
I think you may have just shaken off
the whole heron thing!
613
00:34:03,300 --> 00:34:04,460
LAUGHTER
614
00:34:04,500 --> 00:34:07,380
I had no idea Nish could sing
or play guitar.
615
00:34:07,420 --> 00:34:10,180
That was a miracle, I think.
LAUGHTER
616
00:34:10,220 --> 00:34:13,860
'And all that time she just sat
there, absolutely no expression
on her face.
617
00:34:13,900 --> 00:34:14,900
LAUGHTER
618
00:34:18,500 --> 00:34:22,420
'This is the first time in an entire
series where I've got nothing
negative to say about you.
619
00:34:22,460 --> 00:34:25,060
Congratulations
on your brilliant song!
620
00:34:25,100 --> 00:34:26,540
APPLAUSE
621
00:34:31,380 --> 00:34:34,300
'I'm afraid the end is nigh.
See you soon for the final part
of the show
622
00:34:34,340 --> 00:34:39,580
when we find out who has won
both episode and series!
623
00:34:39,620 --> 00:34:41,580
APPLAUSE
624
00:34:52,060 --> 00:34:56,020
Hello and welcome back to the final
part of the grand final.
625
00:34:56,060 --> 00:34:58,340
We ride this wave now
till the end of the credits.
626
00:34:58,380 --> 00:35:00,660
Over to you, Alex,
please bring us up to speed.
627
00:35:00,700 --> 00:35:03,340
I will. They're writing songs
for a stranger.
628
00:35:03,380 --> 00:35:05,300
A multi-faceted stranger
called Rosalind.
629
00:35:05,340 --> 00:35:08,020
We've heard Mark and Nish's
affectionate tune.
630
00:35:08,060 --> 00:35:11,380
Now we're gonna hear Aisling,
Bob and Sally's er...
631
00:35:11,420 --> 00:35:12,780
This is their song.
632
00:35:17,220 --> 00:35:18,980
Hello, lady...
633
00:35:19,860 --> 00:35:22,580
Welcome to Taskonbury Festival.
634
00:35:22,620 --> 00:35:26,300
They've got soul.
You know then as The POC.
635
00:35:26,340 --> 00:35:29,260
Here they are!
Woo!
636
00:35:31,900 --> 00:35:34,460
Hello, Taskonbury!
Hello. Hello!
637
00:35:34,500 --> 00:35:36,220
Welcome. Nice to see you all.
638
00:35:36,260 --> 00:35:38,700
Erm, wow, what a rush.
639
00:35:38,740 --> 00:35:42,940
We are...
(ALL) Products of Conception.
640
00:35:42,980 --> 00:35:46,380
And we're delighted to bring you
here today our debut track
641
00:35:46,420 --> 00:35:47,580
which is called...
642
00:35:47,620 --> 00:35:50,780
Quite Good, Considering. Quite Good,
Considering. Let's have the music.
643
00:35:57,820 --> 00:35:59,260
'LAUGHTER
644
00:37:23,020 --> 00:37:24,340
'CHEERING
Thank you!
645
00:37:28,900 --> 00:37:31,340
You can sing harmonies!
I can't sing.
646
00:37:36,980 --> 00:37:39,620
Not too bad.
Not too bad!
647
00:37:39,660 --> 00:37:41,460
Very different.
648
00:37:41,500 --> 00:37:44,140
Very different takes
on the same woman.
649
00:37:44,860 --> 00:37:48,100
That is one of the bravest lines
in rock history.
650
00:37:48,140 --> 00:37:51,100
Rosalind is a fucking nightmare!
651
00:37:51,140 --> 00:37:53,140
LAUGHTER
652
00:37:53,660 --> 00:37:55,420
Is Rosalind here?
653
00:37:56,380 --> 00:37:58,020
Oh my God!
654
00:37:58,060 --> 00:37:59,460
CHEERING
655
00:38:05,420 --> 00:38:08,260
You'd never met her before.
Never met her since.
656
00:38:08,300 --> 00:38:10,740
But we captured the essence of her.
657
00:38:10,780 --> 00:38:12,460
LAUGHTER
658
00:38:14,300 --> 00:38:16,780
I really, really loved Mark
and Nish's song.
659
00:38:16,820 --> 00:38:18,660
I thought
it was genuinely beautiful.
660
00:38:18,700 --> 00:38:20,420
It also really delighted me
661
00:38:20,460 --> 00:38:24,420
hearing a very nice woman Rosalind
as a fucking nightmare.
662
00:38:26,900 --> 00:38:30,940
Honestly, because I genuinely
thought I saw a tear in Mark's eye,
663
00:38:30,980 --> 00:38:34,860
'I'm gonna give three points to Nish
and Mark and two points to the other
three.
664
00:38:34,900 --> 00:38:36,820
CHEERING
665
00:38:41,900 --> 00:38:46,700
Well, please all head to the stage
for the final task of the series!
666
00:38:46,740 --> 00:38:47,900
CHEERING
667
00:38:58,820 --> 00:39:01,500
Here we are then,
this looks pretty straightforward.
668
00:39:01,540 --> 00:39:03,020
Who's going to read the task out?
669
00:39:03,060 --> 00:39:05,540
Sally Phillips. Hello, Sally.
Hi.
670
00:39:05,580 --> 00:39:07,060
The final task of the series.
671
00:39:07,980 --> 00:39:10,140
Privilege and a pleasure.
672
00:39:10,180 --> 00:39:12,820
"Throw your egg, bonjour,
673
00:39:12,860 --> 00:39:15,820
through the hoop and catch it
as many times as possible.
674
00:39:15,860 --> 00:39:18,820
You may not touch the net or post.
675
00:39:18,860 --> 00:39:22,660
Most successful hoop catch
combo wins.
676
00:39:22,700 --> 00:39:26,780
You have 100 seconds and one egg."
677
00:39:28,580 --> 00:39:31,940
Thank you, Sally. Just to make it
clear to everybody, Mark,
678
00:39:31,980 --> 00:39:33,820
if you drop the egg, it's over.
679
00:39:33,860 --> 00:39:36,020
The entire egg
has to go through the hoop.
680
00:39:36,060 --> 00:39:38,700
So once the egg is broken
you're done.
681
00:39:38,740 --> 00:39:42,860
So you can't touch the net
or the hoop.
682
00:39:42,900 --> 00:39:45,820
You've just got to throw that egg
through as many times as you can.
683
00:39:45,860 --> 00:39:47,580
Your time starts...
BLOWS WHISTLE
684
00:39:48,780 --> 00:39:50,100
LAUGHTER
685
00:39:50,140 --> 00:39:52,060
APPLAUSE
686
00:40:01,660 --> 00:40:03,020
AUDIENCE SHOUTS
687
00:40:11,740 --> 00:40:13,340
CHEERING
688
00:40:16,300 --> 00:40:17,660
LAUGHTER
689
00:40:20,060 --> 00:40:21,260
Go again, Bob, go again.
690
00:40:23,300 --> 00:40:25,060
AUDIENCE SHOUTS
691
00:40:26,820 --> 00:40:28,660
AUDIENCE CHANTS AND CLAPS
692
00:40:32,140 --> 00:40:33,580
CHEERING
693
00:40:33,620 --> 00:40:35,620
WHISTLE
There we go.
694
00:40:36,460 --> 00:40:38,420
CHEERING
695
00:40:40,380 --> 00:40:43,340
Come down here and we'll see how
that's affected the final scores!
696
00:40:51,060 --> 00:40:53,220
Talk me through the egg catching,
then, Alex.
697
00:40:53,260 --> 00:40:56,100
We know the winner of this task
was Mr Bob Mortimer!
698
00:40:56,140 --> 00:40:57,500
CHEERING
699
00:40:59,980 --> 00:41:03,980
'And we know these three
unfortunately didn't get any eggs
or points.
700
00:41:04,020 --> 00:41:08,580
Sally caught the egg but it didn't
go entirely through the hoop.
701
00:41:08,620 --> 00:41:10,620
Would you like to put her
in second place?
702
00:41:10,660 --> 00:41:13,220
Hmm.
LAUGHTER
703
00:41:14,260 --> 00:41:16,540
Yes, I believe I would.
Yay!
704
00:41:20,380 --> 00:41:23,020
Which means the final scoreboard
looks like this!
705
00:41:27,220 --> 00:41:31,820
Sally just pips Bob. Sally wins
all the awkward things to take home!
706
00:41:31,860 --> 00:41:33,540
Yes, oh, please go and get them!
707
00:41:33,580 --> 00:41:34,980
CHEERING
708
00:41:38,460 --> 00:41:41,100
Let's hear it one more time
for Sally!
709
00:41:41,140 --> 00:41:42,420
CHEERING
710
00:41:52,420 --> 00:41:53,660
Whoa!
711
00:41:56,660 --> 00:41:58,140
LAUGHTER
712
00:42:01,380 --> 00:42:02,940
CHEERING
713
00:42:04,940 --> 00:42:08,500
'It's the moment that every single
person in the world has been
waiting for.
714
00:42:08,540 --> 00:42:11,500
The time to crown
our glorious champion.
715
00:42:11,540 --> 00:42:14,300
This series
has seen so many Taskmaster firsts.
716
00:42:14,340 --> 00:42:16,380
There's been the birth
of a fully grown adult.
717
00:42:16,420 --> 00:42:18,420
An intimate car boot cuddle.
718
00:42:18,460 --> 00:42:20,420
The invention of Kumarmite.
719
00:42:20,460 --> 00:42:25,820
The cutlery-based fourth instalment
of the taken film franchise Tuck.
720
00:42:25,860 --> 00:42:30,300
And I've received some sordid
text messages from a heron.
721
00:42:30,340 --> 00:42:32,700
But now...
722
00:42:33,540 --> 00:42:38,740
it's over to Alex to announce
the final series scores.
723
00:42:40,380 --> 00:42:43,460
Nish got triple figures,
Nish got 107.
724
00:42:43,500 --> 00:42:45,060
CHEERING
725
00:42:49,540 --> 00:42:53,100
The rest did much better.
LAUGHTER
726
00:42:53,140 --> 00:42:55,380
And we have Aisling Bea on 126!
727
00:42:55,420 --> 00:42:57,420
CHEERING
728
00:42:57,980 --> 00:43:02,660
Sally... Sally Phillips
and Mark Watson on 130 points!
729
00:43:02,700 --> 00:43:04,380
CHEERING
730
00:43:04,420 --> 00:43:06,860
The winner is Mr Bob Mortimer!
731
00:43:06,900 --> 00:43:08,620
CHEERING
732
00:43:10,900 --> 00:43:16,740
'Ladies and gentlemen, the champion
of the fifth series of Taskmaster
is Bob Mortimer.
733
00:43:16,780 --> 00:43:18,900
CHEERING
734
00:43:34,060 --> 00:43:36,700
Well done, everybody,
thank you to our contestants
735
00:43:36,740 --> 00:43:40,620
but especially to our phenomenal
victor Bob Mortimer!
736
00:43:40,660 --> 00:43:42,100
CHEERING
737
00:43:44,060 --> 00:43:45,980
Thank you for watching, everybody!
738
00:43:47,220 --> 00:43:50,260
CHEERING
Good night!
739
00:43:52,660 --> 00:43:55,020
# Gonna serve you beans on toast
740
00:43:55,060 --> 00:43:57,100
# Well, it's a fantasy,
it's nothing but a boast
741
00:43:57,140 --> 00:43:59,940
# You come from Southport,
I live miles away in Balham
742
00:43:59,980 --> 00:44:02,220
# I'm a coward
and I feel all right about it
743
00:44:02,260 --> 00:44:05,140
# I'm always seeing you
do good stuff
744
00:44:05,180 --> 00:44:08,700
# Try my best but it's never
745
00:44:09,100 --> 00:44:13,180
# Good enough #
746
00:44:19,380 --> 00:44:20,380
CHEERING
747
00:44:20,420 --> 00:44:22,420
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101574
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