Original subtitles

HE LAUGHS Argh!

Oh my God!

Go!

Yes! Help!

Argh! Oh yeah.

APPLAUSE

Thank you. I'm Greg Davies.

Welcome to the Taskmaster series five grand final!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now then, all good things must come to an end,

but good things also come to those that wait.

Yet time waits for no man.

And let's not forget no man is an island.

Many hands make light work.

Yeah, too many cooks spoil the broth.

And you should never bite the hand that feeds you.

This series we've learned you can't always get what you want.

So chin up, there's no time like the present.

May the best man or woman win.

Your Taskmaster series five finalists are...

Aisling Bea. CHEERING

Bob Mortimer. CHEERING

Mark Watson. CHEERING

Nish Kumar! CHEERING

And Sally Phillips. CHEERING

And here, always here, forever here,

it's (SINGS) Alex Horne.

CHEERING

I like that, thank you.

You feeling ready for the big one?

Not really, I'm having a bit of a wobble if I'm honest.

I've lost my Bumper Book of Proverbs, can't find it.

And er... I'm also worried about what's going on in the world.

I've done a lot of reading. I just can't stand it any more.

Things like 78 per cent of the air is now nitrogen.

Always has been. Has it? OK.

LAUGHTER

Crop circles, they're on about crop circles. The tooth fairy.

I read... Thumb! Thumb?

LAUGHTER

So what's the prize category for this big old final?

'Today we've asked them to bring in, it's a good one, the most awkward item

for somebody else to take home.

LAUGHTER

'So whoever's item you think would be the most awkward item to take home wins

and at the end of the episode the person with the most points

will take home all the awkward items,

which will probably be quite tricky. Yeah.

'Mark Watson, what have you decided would be the most awkward thing to take home?

I've brought in what can only be described as a bathroom.

LAUGHTER Erm...

So it's a full bathroom suite? Well, yeah.

LAUGHTER

I feel this is pretty awkward to get home.

Obviously I know cos it was a hell of a hassle to get it here.

LAUGHTER

Did you bring it here? It is here.

'Yes, I brought it here. There's a toilet, a bath and a sink, as you can see.

And I have to say it wasn't an easy few weeks of my life.

I'll be honest with you, Mark, and I hope this isn't insulting.

I find it hard to believe you can even pick up a piece of cheese.

LAUGHTER

Looks nice, nice bath in it, nice washing your face.

Looks like that toilet's gonna take a heavy payload so well done.

LAUGHTER Shall I move on to Bob?

Yes, please. OK.

Oh, man, I brought a "I love Katie Hopkins" hat.

I no longer believe in it. You no longer believe in it?

I did then, I don't now.

It's not just the hat, you also brought in a T-shirt. Oh God.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

They are awkward items, obviously.

I would argue you could pop them in a bag. Yeah. Who's next?

LAUGHTER

Nish Kumar. I've brought 14 kilograms of curry.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Would that be awkward? Take me, for example,

would that be awkward for me to get out the studio?

Well, it's in a wok. LAUGHTER

Let's role play, Alex. I'll get on the tube. OK.

Oh God. Oh! What have you got there?

14 kilograms of curry.

LAUGHTER

You seem to have dropped your newspaper. Oh, that's awkward.

APPLAUSE

Aisling?

I'd love one of you guys to bring home a cardboard cut-out of me.

It's me doing the big thumbs up. Let's have a look at it.

The big thumbs up. LAUGHTER

'I wouldn't think that would be awkward to take out. I think it's perfectly nice.

I've got one of me, we can swapsies if you want?

Mine are £36 on Amazon. LAUGHTER

34.97. They've gone down.

LAUGHTER

Who's next? The last to go is Sally Phillips.

I brought loads of helium balloons. Loads and loads.

A hundred or something, and if you're a bloke,

'that'd be awkward and embarrassing to get home because everyone will say to you,

"Ha ha ha!"

'If you're a girl, they'll lift you off into the sky and you'll go to Paradise Falls.

LAUGHTER

They would lift a three kilogram weight, that many.

A penguin chick. LAUGHTER

Go on, Greg, rate the prizes.

'I'm putting Bob's T-shirt in last place because I believe you can put it in a bag.

LAUGHTER

I'm putting Aisling's in second to last place

because I think it's a perfectly nice cut-out of her. Oh!

Three, erm... Just pop some balloons, put Sally in there.

Nish. Nish? The curry?

It might be too big for some people. I'd gobble that bad boy down.

So the winner, without a question, the most awkward item to remove

is a full bathroom and it's Mark Watson!

CHEERING

So at this point I can tell you what the series scores are.

AUDIENCE: Woo! We are in the final.

With a massive 97, Nish Kumar.

CHEERING

97! 97!

97. And the next person nowhere near you.

Sally's on 116.

LAUGHTER

Then we go to 118 for Aisling, 123 for Bob, 124 for Mark!

CHEERING

So here we go.

What's the first proper task of this final episode?

Well, obviously, it's more coconuts. Mmm!

Oi oi!

Hi, Alex. Hello, Bob.

Phew! Heavy door today. Yes.

You all right? This old chestnut.

Coconut. LAUGHTER

HE LAUGHS

"Get this coconut as far from here as possible."

"You may not touch the ground." I am touching the grand.

You're touching the rug. You're OK at the moment.

"You may not step on anything more than once."

"The coconut may not travel by car."

"You have 20 minutes, your time starts now."

So I can't touch the ground? No, thank you.

Jesus.

Right, OK.

I mean, I've got to be honest with you.

At this moment in time, I'm thinking of throwing it.

LAUGHTER I appreciate your honesty.

APPLAUSE

'The main rule here is you're not allowed to step on the ground at any point.

'You're not allowed to touch the ground. You're only allowed to step on one thing once.

So right now I'm stepping on this carpet.

I can move around on it but once I'm off it I can't get back on it

so I'm now stranded on a chair.

Sweet butt! Thank you.

LAUGHTER

That's the only reason I stood on the chair.

'So that's the rules, you have to get the coconut as far away as possible

without stepping on the ground or anything else more than once.

We're gonna start off with three of them. Aisling, Bob and Nish.

Do you have a photocopier here? We've got a printer.

I'm looking for a ream of paper.

There'll be a ream of paper in the printer.

OK, I'm gonna go out the back door.

Jump. Whoa!

So you're now off the rug, you can't go back on the rug,

Piss and shit!

Still on the carpet. Still part of my first step.

I'm gonna have to throw it over the gate. OK.

There and here I go.

Mat!

Go!

Go! Yes!

Go! Go!

Go! Go!

Could you open the gates, please, Alex? Yes.

Oh, I've fucked it up!

Oh, I've fucked it up!

As I thought it might, I hit the hedge.

There it is. It's natural environment. Like a little bear poo.

Take off my trousers.

You're on the mat. I'm on the mat.

I'm gonna try and chuck this over there.

OK, I'm gonna make sure no one's standing there. Yeah.

I'm standing on this now.

I'm gonna bowl it.

One, two...

Three!

Oh, it rolled back towards the house.

Everybody, hold on to your butts.

HE GROANS

LAUGHTER

This is the grand final.

LAUGHTER

'I will say that it rolled back quite close to you. You could have thrown it again.

Back inside, that was the end.

Four minutes left.

LAUGHTER

So close. Same with Bob, presumably? Very...

'He couldn't get to it because it was on the ground whereas Nish could reach it.

Ah!

You're like a finally trained athlete though.

Because you said, "Oh no, I fucked it!" I'm quoting there.

As it left your hands you knew, ah, that's fucked. Yeah.

We were quite relieved when you missed the busy road though.

LAUGHTER

'I'm intrigued by your decision, Aisling, not to throw over the fence.

But to bowl under.

LAUGHTER

It was on a hill. Ah!

Came back to me. The old bowl it up a hill mistake.

Classic.

Just stop. It's the first of the last breaks. Bye for now.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Hello!

Welcome back to the Taskmaster grand final.

Alex, do please fill us in on the latest gossip.

OK, one of the mums at school was thinking of moving to Spain.

LAUGHTER

Yes, so, er, before the adverts...

LAUGHTER

'Madrid. People were trying to get a coconut as far away as possible without touching the ground.

This is Mark Watson's attempt.

Right, so, I'll just...

I can sort of do this. You can't now go back on the mat.

Ah, cos of the rules? Mmm. Pity actually about that.

'It's going to be fiddly, isn't it? And of course I've left the coconut behind.

LAUGHTER That can be a bridge.

All right, I'm on the mat.

I tell you what, Oriel, let's go for a whirl.

Erm...

MUFFLED GRUNTING OK.

You all right?

Yay!

Is this all right for you?

If we can get to the river, I'll drop it in there.

Three minutes 45.

We'll be all right. OK, that'll do it. Thank you, Oriel.

I'm now gonna hurl the coconut into the river.

'And at that point the distance that the coconut travels is for other people to determine.

Fling!

APPLAUSE

I'll be thinking about it for the rest of my life.

I don't want to exaggerate the importance of it psychologically

but it probably will be the last thing I think about before I die.

You might not have actually touched the ground.

We could just check... check the footage... Have a look.

Yeah, you did. LAUGHTER

You lost to a complete buffoon.

LAUGHTER

Of course, it hadn't even occurred to me that Nish has beaten you.

LAUGHTER

At least your actual coconut throw at the end was impressive

All of it was impressive apart from the bit where I destroyed my life.

LAUGHTER Who's next?

Last up, it's Phillip Sallys.

LAUGHTER

I may not touch the ground but you may touch the ground, Alex.

Yes, I can touch the ground.

I would like to ask you to take this coconut to the post office

and post it to my friend in Fiji.

And what's in it for me? What's in it for you?

You're demanding payment, are you?

I could tattoo you if you like. Could draw all over your arse.

A pastoral scene.

I'll just take the coconut. Yeah? Take the coconut to the post office?

'I'll give you my credit card. You can pay for the whole thing like a box.

It's in my bag. You want me to get the bag?

'Go and get the bag. You're just gonna sit on the table? I'm gonna sit on the table.

That's the one. Maybe I'll send it to the prime minister of Fiji.

The prime minister of Fiji.

Fourth floor, government buildings.

New Wing. Fiji.

Right. Thank you. Good luck. Quickly. Speed.

Right, prime minister of Fiji.

'The great thing about this is it requires such little effort from myself.

BICYCLE BELL RINGS

APPLAUSE

Amazing. Did it make it to Fiji?

No, it made it to East Cheam post office where I was told

there was a list of restricted items that you can send to Fiji.

LAUGHTER

Fresh fruit and flowers, roots, crops, rice, mushrooms and coconuts.

LAUGHTER

'I'm not an expert but something tells me Fiji's probably got coconuts covered.

LAUGHTER

Let me show you on a map how far they all got.

There's the house, the first one 33 metres away, that's Bob.

Then we've got Aisling at the back of the house. Little bit further.

Nish obviously in exactly the same place.

And the river there, it's irrelevant but that's Mark Watson's.

Then 1.1 miles away in East Cheam. Five points to Sally.

Clearly five points!

APPLAUSE

I think it's time to see the scores now, Alex.

It is time and it's tight for the final.

There are three people in third place.

Sally Phillips is in the lead at the moment with eight points!

APPLAUSE

OK, another task, please, Alex. Right you are, Greg.

Little warning, this one is quite graphic.

Ooh!

WHISTLING

Whistling a happy tune for you, Alex. Thank you, Bob.

What's the haps? I don't know what you mean.

How you doing? Unfortunately I'm sorry but I've dropped the task.

Not on porpoise but I've dropped it. Ah.

It fell on the floor and then some of my loose change fell on it.

And then some sand fell on it. I've got this though.

What? So I have to be like a metal detector?

Just sweep it slowly and low.

Even lower.

No, I meant the detector.

LAUGHTER

BLEEPING There!

Got it.

Oh, thanks, Bob.

I'm not going without the cash, though. No, that's for you.

Fancy sitting on that. You're going to sit on the head?

SHE LAUGHS Why not?

"Create the best graph.

You have 20 minutes, your time starts..."

Now. (MAKES TRUMPET FANFARE SOUND)

Erm...

I caved his skull in with my arse!

OK, reiterate what the task was.

The task was create the best graph. That's all it was.

Any sort of graph. Graph.

(NORTHERN ACCENT) A graph. (SOUTHERN ACCENT) Graph.

A graph. Exactly, a graph.

This isn't a Londoncentric show. You can say graph.

I already have said graph. Say graph. Graph.

Say graph. Graph.

Shall we see the funny contestants make graphs now? OK.

This is their graph making.

Let me just remember how a graph works.

Have you started yet?

You can't rush genius. Hurry up.

LAUGHTER

I'm using the landscape.

Oh, do you know omnipurpose jaws of doom graph?

I don't know that. That's quite good.

The biggest urinators in the British isles are the Scottish.

Why's that? That's because (SCOTTISH ACCENT) the water's so delicious.

Argh, the graph!

How far in that direction can they go because... Your graph.

Oh, cows don't have it easy, or oxen, do they?

So I'll make it as big as possible.

The graph is meant to represent all the people that have lived

and all the time there's ever been.

I find this quite disturbing.

Can I ask what units we're talking about?

Units of piss. Yeah.

Beach ball? Where's that?

Oh.

SHE LAUGHS

Big graph, Mark. Is it finished? It's not finished.

To complete it, here's what we do.

I'm pretty pleased with my graph.

Nish Kumar. A 3D graph.

We can see it, this is pre labels.

As a straight line, you're unconventional.

LAUGHTER

That vertical line is a chubby old front.

LAUGHTER

This is what is represented on the graph.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So the amount of time you spend with me, the more fun you have.

I think we can all agree. Nish.

LAUGHTER

Would you like to move on to the biggest graph of them all?

It's 60 metres by 60 metres, it's an al fresco graph.

Here's Mark Watson's graph.

'So that was taken with a drone and for scale those little dots at the bottom are...

Do you want to talk us through it, Mark?

So this is a graph of how people have voted,

which party they voted for,

but across the whole of time and the whole of humanity ever.

It is an eternal electoral graph.

'Correct me if I'm wrong, on this, and I hope you don't mind me saying this,

light entertainment show... LAUGHTER

'...what you've produced is a graph that shows the pointlessness of democracy.

LAUGHTER

Erm... not just of democracy but of all human endeavour, basically.

'But to be fair, if people are watching Taskmaster they realise that already.

We'd like to look at Sally's omnipurpose jaws of doom.

Is that her graph? Yes. Let's go.

There it is, the Y axis says Sex,

the X axis says Time.

And she's represented Want and Get with the lines.

LAUGHTER

This is the latest in a series of incidences with Sally

where she's made it very clear that she wants more sex in her life.

LAUGHTER

I think it's a bit like fossil fuels in the ozone layer.

'The time for graphs has stopped and we should huddle together and see what we're gonna do about it.

LAUGHTER

Great. That's wonderful to hear, thank you so much.

My work here is done, thank you.

LAUGHTER See you all...

It's the end of part two already. See you in a few minutes.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Great to have you back.

What was happening before that welcome pause, Alex?

We've been seeing the competitors designing graphs on a beach, Greg.

And now it's time to have a look at Aisling Bea's graph.

She did this one.

'This is my graph to show how many women have been on Taskmaster versus men.

'And the men are represented by a mannequin with a broken hand with a pair of pants

and the women are a mess. LAUGHTER

Just a head and a hand there.

Which is all you really need if you're a woman.

LAUGHTER

It's a very worthy sentiment. Is the graph any good?

'Just numbers wise, you've implied that in the first series, if you follow the graph up

'there are the same number of men and woman and there were loads more men then.

So graph wise... Do you know what's the worst thing about this?

Two men are going to explain to me, and rightly so...

LAUGHTER

...why my maths are shit!

I think it's more serious than that.

I think that graph has done women a disservice.

LAUGHTER

I think it might have set us back, Sal!

It's anti-feminist.

Criticising the graph, not the sentiment.

Who's next? It's Bob.

Fairly obvious what this represents.

LAUGHTER

On the Y axis, as we all know, it's units of urine,

and on the X it's the counties of Britain.

LAUGHTER

If you're thinking of collecting vast amounts of piss,

go up to Dumfries and Galloway.

If you only want small amounts, eg for household use...

LAUGHTER

...you might like to consider East Sussex.

How did you get these statistics?

Absolutely accurate cos I was looking into purchasing

gallons of piss.

LAUGHTER

Cos I was in dispute with the Woolwich Ferry man.

I thought, fuck it, I'll fill his boat with piss.

LAUGHTER

Where do I need to go?

LAUGHTER

So people in Dumfries and Galloway piss about ten times as much...

They literally cannot stop.

LAUGHTER

(SCOTTISH ACCENT) I only had time to stop for the one Scotch pie

and then the stream started.

LAUGHTER

What a life we have!

The Gulf Stream passes past Dumfries and Galloway

and I was told that's the reason why they produce so much urine.

You were quite adamant at the time it wasn't average per person,

this is total amount and Dumfries is not a big county. Not at all.

'Yeah, an awful lot, and as you were doing it, you said, "When you know the facts, lock themdown."

LAUGHTER

'If I have to die and the final thing in my head is the image of Bob Mortimer

harvesting piss to exact revenge on the owner of a boat...

LAUGHTER

...that will do, mate, that will do.

That would be a great way to go.

'I'm gonna make a quick judgement on this. I can't draw much of a distinction

between Aisling's feminist crusade,

Sally's cry for hot action,

and Mark's er...

God, I can't even remember what Mark's was!

LAUGHTER

Those three together. Joint third. OK.

And this is going to surprise you. Mm-hm.

I'm going to put Bob's piss graph in second place.

'Purely because Birmingham was on there and I come from near Birmingham

and I piss like a big old whale.

LAUGHTER That's true.

APPLAUSE

'So, erm, for one of very few occasions... He's doing very badly in the show so far.

Oh God, across the series he's been truly awful.

But the sheer simplicity of his chubby fun graph,

Nish Kumar wins this round!

CHEERING

Right, Greg, we've got a very quick task now for not all of you.

SHE LAUGHS

'"Make the most fish puns. Most fish puns wins. You have one minute. Your time starts now."

Er... puns.

Stop carping on.

Er... Er...

Cod do this.

Can you make lots of fish puns? I trout it.

I trout it very much.

I've got my herring a bun.

My herring a bun.

# I can sing a rainbow trout, sing a rainbow trout

# Sing a rainbow trout too

Er... He's not very tuna-ful.

Er...

Minnow understand English.

LAUGHTER

Angelfish.

Send in the clownfish. That's not really a pun.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

APPLAUSE

I thought you'd all done it.

I'm confused, Alex, because did you only ask Sally to do it?

She didn't do it by herself.

She was up against me.

I've also tried to get as many fish puns as possible in one minute.

OK. Wanna see how I did?

Er, yeah. OK.

This is my go.

I don't want to carp on about it but I'm worried they might be...

Congratulations.

It's a lovely plaice, though, isn't it? Beautiful place.

You used a tuna baked beans. Tin of baked beans.

I can get you something to perch on.

There are three tasks in a roe for you there.

Let minnow when to place it.

Smell it?

Urgh, I've already got a haddock. Headache.

How does it feel? Fine. Feel a little bit tench but fine.

Very off-fish-ial.

I haven't got very good herring.

But I heard you OK.

I'm sorry but I've dropped the task.

Not on porpoise but I've dropped it.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So Alex took it upon himself to go into secret competition with Sally.

'Yeah, I tried really hard every time we spoke to say a fish word, did you notice?

I just thought you were bad at speaking!

LAUGHTER

'This means we can look at the scoreboard. The scoreboard looks like this.

So Nish Kumar is the joint leader with Sally Phillips!

Yes! CHEERING

THEY SQUEAL

'I'll tell you what, you can get your face off that scoreboard for a start.

We'll batter you to death with an iron bar.

Better, OK.

Last location task of the series then. That's right.

And we're gonna end with a song.

Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hello.

Yo. How are you? Hello.

Hello! Hello.

Do we... Do we strike you?

LAUGHTER

Shall I take the task? Would you like to?

Yes, I suppose so, yeah. I'll take the task. Thank you.

We can so do this.

"Write and perform a song about this woman."

"Best song wins."

"You have five minutes to talk to the woman."

"Then 30 minutes to write her a song."

Time starts now so we need to gather as much information as we can. Hi.

So what's your name? Rosalind.

Where are you from originally? Southport.

What do you do for a living? Japanese translator.

Do you have children? Yes, two sons.

Two? Are they good men? Yes.

They're a bit inept at things but that's fine.

What do you do to pass the time? I'm an athletics official, track judge,

and I do long jumping. Long jumper!

'Who's your favourite band of all time? Good idea. Might lead us to some music.

Ooh, I like Mozart. Mozart? Mozart? One of my favourite bands as well.

Have you stolen much in your life? When I was about ten

'I used to do a bit of sweetie shoplifting with my best friend Elaine.

I also play the cello. Great.

Do you play cello with anyone? A string quartet, yeah.

My husband and a couple of friends.

And what's the name of your... My husband is called Alan.

And did you do it in public or just...

It's not people sitting in rows watching, it's... just the sound.

Do you eat meat? As long as it's kosher.

What's your favourite meat? Chicken, I suppose.

What's your favourite film?

Oh, Hangover 1 and 2.

Favourite food? Beans on toast. Quite right.

Are the other two in the string quartet, are they a couple as well?

'They used to be then one got septicaemia so he lost the use of three fingers in his left hand.

Would you like to be able to fly? No.

WHISTLE

APPLAUSE

Bob's first four questions...

Do we strike you? LAUGHTER

Have you ever stolen? LAUGHTER

What is your favourite meat? LAUGHTER

Would you like to be able to fly? LAUGHTER

Thankfully he had teammates to take up the slack.

Do you want to see Mark and Nish first? Yes, I do, please.

'OK, so this, for the first time ever, is Mark and Nish's song for a stranger.

Hello, Great Britain! Hello.

How you all feeling out there? We're all fine, thank you.

Now's the time you've all been waiting for. The band!

Good evening, London!

We are The Diverse Stripes.

I am Jack Brown, and this is my wife's sister Mark.

LAUGHTER

'This is called I'm Always Seeing You, open brackets, Do Cool Stuff, closed brackets.

All right, and one, two, three, four.

LAUGHTER

MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

Two, three, four!

MARK HARMONISES

APPLAUSE

'CHEERING AND WHISTLING

Something in my eye!

I mean, unbelievable.

Who'd have thought Mark Watson was a drummer!

I think you may have just shaken off the whole heron thing!

LAUGHTER

I had no idea Nish could sing or play guitar.

That was a miracle, I think. LAUGHTER

'And all that time she just sat there, absolutely no expression on her face.

LAUGHTER

'This is the first time in an entire series where I've got nothing negative to say about you.

Congratulations on your brilliant song!

APPLAUSE

'I'm afraid the end is nigh. See you soon for the final part of the show

when we find out who has won both episode and series!

APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome back to the final part of the grand final.

We ride this wave now till the end of the credits.

Over to you, Alex, please bring us up to speed.

I will. They're writing songs for a stranger.

A multi-faceted stranger called Rosalind.

We've heard Mark and Nish's affectionate tune.

Now we're gonna hear Aisling, Bob and Sally's er...

This is their song.

Hello, lady...

Welcome to Taskonbury Festival.

They've got soul. You know then as The POC.

Here they are! Woo!

Hello, Taskonbury! Hello. Hello!

Welcome. Nice to see you all.

Erm, wow, what a rush.

We are... (ALL) Products of Conception.

And we're delighted to bring you here today our debut track

which is called...

Quite Good, Considering. Quite Good, Considering. Let's have the music.

'LAUGHTER

'CHEERING Thank you!

You can sing harmonies! I can't sing.

Not too bad. Not too bad!

Very different.

Very different takes on the same woman.

That is one of the bravest lines in rock history.

Rosalind is a fucking nightmare!

LAUGHTER

Is Rosalind here?

Oh my God!

CHEERING

You'd never met her before. Never met her since.

But we captured the essence of her.

LAUGHTER

I really, really loved Mark and Nish's song.

I thought it was genuinely beautiful.

It also really delighted me

hearing a very nice woman Rosalind as a fucking nightmare.

Honestly, because I genuinely thought I saw a tear in Mark's eye,

'I'm gonna give three points to Nish and Mark and two points to the other three.

CHEERING

Well, please all head to the stage for the final task of the series!

CHEERING

Here we are then, this looks pretty straightforward.

Who's going to read the task out?

Sally Phillips. Hello, Sally. Hi.

The final task of the series.

Privilege and a pleasure.

"Throw your egg, bonjour,

through the hoop and catch it as many times as possible.

You may not touch the net or post.

Most successful hoop catch combo wins.

You have 100 seconds and one egg."

Thank you, Sally. Just to make it clear to everybody, Mark,

if you drop the egg, it's over.

The entire egg has to go through the hoop.

So once the egg is broken you're done.

So you can't touch the net or the hoop.

You've just got to throw that egg through as many times as you can.

Your time starts... BLOWS WHISTLE

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE SHOUTS

CHEERING

LAUGHTER

Go again, Bob, go again.

AUDIENCE SHOUTS

AUDIENCE CHANTS AND CLAPS

CHEERING

WHISTLE There we go.

CHEERING

Come down here and we'll see how that's affected the final scores!

Talk me through the egg catching, then, Alex.

We know the winner of this task was Mr Bob Mortimer!

CHEERING

'And we know these three unfortunately didn't get any eggs or points.

Sally caught the egg but it didn't go entirely through the hoop.

Would you like to put her in second place?

Hmm. LAUGHTER

Yes, I believe I would. Yay!

Which means the final scoreboard looks like this!

Sally just pips Bob. Sally wins all the awkward things to take home!

Yes, oh, please go and get them!

CHEERING

Let's hear it one more time for Sally!

CHEERING

Whoa!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

'It's the moment that every single person in the world has been waiting for.

The time to crown our glorious champion.

This series has seen so many Taskmaster firsts.

There's been the birth of a fully grown adult.

An intimate car boot cuddle.

The invention of Kumarmite.

The cutlery-based fourth instalment of the taken film franchise Tuck.

And I've received some sordid text messages from a heron.

But now...

it's over to Alex to announce the final series scores.

Nish got triple figures, Nish got 107.

CHEERING

The rest did much better. LAUGHTER

And we have Aisling Bea on 126!

CHEERING

Sally... Sally Phillips and Mark Watson on 130 points!

CHEERING

The winner is Mr Bob Mortimer!

CHEERING

'Ladies and gentlemen, the champion of the fifth series of Taskmaster is Bob Mortimer.

CHEERING

Well done, everybody, thank you to our contestants

but especially to our phenomenal victor Bob Mortimer!

CHEERING

Thank you for watching, everybody!

CHEERING Good night!

# Gonna serve you beans on toast

# Well, it's a fantasy, it's nothing but a boast

# You come from Southport, I live miles away in Balham

# I'm a coward and I feel all right about it

# I'm always seeing you do good stuff

# Try my best but it's never

# Good enough #

CHEERING

Subtitles by Ericsson