Original subtitles

Aaagh!

Oh, my God!

Whoa!

Yes! Help!

Aagh! Oh, yeah.

APPLAUSE

Thank you for the clapping. I'm Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.

'It's the semi-final which means our five contestants are running out of time to win crucial Taskmaster points

which could change their lives for ever.

Whoever wins this series is guaranteed immortality

through the title of Series Champion of Taskmaster,

'so let's meet the people still clinging on to the hope of winning this almighty cranium.

With an average professional age of 41,

our contenders are...

Aisling Bea! CHEERING

Bob Mortimer! CHEERING

Mark Watson! CHEERING

Nish Kumar! CHEERING

And Sally Phillips! CHEERING

And forever needlessly loitering,

little Alex Horne!

CHEERING Thank you.

Thank you. You are looking especially smug tonight.

Thank you. It's a compliment.

'I am. I've had a good day. I've made some home improvements to the place where you let me live.

And I found out you can put a loo roll dispenser in any room.

'Right. Any room. It doesn't have to be in the toilet. I've got one in the kitchen, the car and one here.

I just feel very... What are you planning to use that for?

It's just in case, isn't it?

I mean, if you make mess here, I'm gonna clear it up with your beard.

'What is the prize category this week? Great question. Well, it's a big one. Drum roll, please.

SILENCE Today, we've asked them...

LAUGHTER

'Today, we've asked them to bring in the most surprisingly expensive item. Surprisingly expensive.

'It's up to you, Greg, to decide who has brought in the most surprisingly expensive item.

'At the end of the show, the person with the most points will take home the surprisingly expensive items.

'We'll find out how much they cost, then I'll look at your face to see how surprised you were.That works.

Who shall we start with? Drum roll.

DRUM ROLL

LAUGHTER

Aisling Bea!

Oh, I won. I can't believe I won!

There was this one occasion where I had to fly to Belfast

at six o'clock in the morning

and I had 13 minutes before I had to get on the flight

and I was so tired that I bought access for a 13-minute nap

to the business lounge in Belfast Airport.

'OK. So, for a minute to the pound, it was the most expensive thing I've ever bought.

We can see the voucher. How surprising the business lounge costs.

To the Causeway Lounge Complimentary Access at Belfast Airport.

'How much do you think complimentary access to the Causeway Lounge would cost?

All I can say is how much I would pay and I would pay £40.

Oh... Oh...

It cost £25. Shall I do my facial reaction to that? Let's have a look.

Can we move on to Nish? Yes, please. OK, Nish?

I have brought in 100 euros

because it is surprisingly expensive now

to buy 100 euros.

Well, let's see how surprising it is.

'I travel to Spain regularly. Yes, you do. And I would have guessed late 80s?

No, it's 91. I would have said 88, so I'll give you my surprised face.

Who's next?

LAUGHTER

Bob. Bob. Bob. Hi, I've brought in my World Cup 2014...

football players sticker book. Let's have a look at it.

Oh! Very nice.

It would cost an average of £374 to fill the whole thing.

'Whoa! If you get lucky, £68 is the minimum you can spend, but the average person spends nearly£400.

I'm gonna say that that is worth 20 English pounds.

We've had it valued at 10 English pounds.

Who's next? Sally Phillips.

I've brought you a human turd.

LAUGHTER

OK, let's just go straight to the face, shall we?

I brought you one of Bob Mortimer's turds.

This is gonna take some unravelling, isn't it?

'It's going to be professionally dried out and placed within a resin sphere

'and be just like one of the exhibits in the National Poo Museum on the Isle of Wight. That's allcorrect.

I brought an example. This is what it will look like.

This is a fox one which most closely resembles a human one.

Oh, dear!

'How much do you think the process of freeze-drying it, then turning it into a resin ball would cost? £199.

Get ready for my reaction. The process would cost £800.

'LAUGHTER £800 to do a fox poo, but this is a Mortimer poo.

His conservative estimate, the value of Bob's poo,

is between 10 and 15K.

LAUGHTER

Whoa!

I see.

Can I have one too?

No. That's the last I'm giving away.

Who's left? Mark? Mine's a gate. My kids...

A what? A gate. A gate? A garden gate, yes.

'My kids like to play in the garden and it adjoins one of these communal gardens that you get.

We can see it. We've got an image. Yeah.

Right, let's not mess around. £88 for the gate, labour £75.

I've written down here £18,000. What?! What?!

Well... It looks like he's gonna throw up.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The communal garden is jointly owned by a residents' association,

so if you want a gate that goes on to it,

you have to pay a three-year fee to join that residents' association.

This is like madness, Mark.

'When we win this prize, do we win access to the garden? The funny thing is you do, yeah.

What is your decision? This is my decision.

'I've got a television, so I know how much the euro is worth, Nish. Congratulations.

You take your special traditional role as coming last.

Aisling and Bob, I was quite surprised by the final price...

It was more how much they spent per minute napping or per sticker.

If it's all right, I might put them joint next.

'And I can't believe it, I don't know why I'm putting Bob Mortimer's turd in second place, but I am.

'I'm going to put it in second place because I've just seen the hurt in Mark "£18,000 gate" Watson's eyes.

I need this. So I have to give in to it. Mark Watson wins this round.

APPLAUSE And we're off. Five points...

Right, we're rolling. What's first? It's this task precisely here.

Hello, Bob.

'Hello, Alex. Hello, Aisling. Why have you brought me to this bloody shithole?

Please can I put a blindfold on you?

'I can't see a thing now. How many fingers am I holding up? I can't see that, for example.

Ten. Great.

It was just one. It is just one, so now I don't know what to do.

'We'll go for a little walk. I'll hold your hand. Is that all right? I'd love that.

Just a little jump here. With me, one, two, three.

That's it. And a really big jump now. Yeah. Go.

That's better. A bit higher. That's it.

Some bread. You're gonna ask me to feed the ducks?

'"Wearing that blindfold at all times..." Yes. "..travel as far as possible in three minutes."

'"Alex will be at your side at all times because he is a strong, independent, handsome man." Right.

OK, I feel like you've thrown that in. Thank you.

"On removing the blindfold, you will then have another three minutes

"to retrace your steps to your starting position."

That's here. Oh, right.

"Longest successful retracing of steps wins."

Do I have to keep my feet on the ground?

LAUGHTER

Yes, she had a tactic. Some of them did, some of them didn't.

The idea... LAUGHTER

'They had three minutes to get as far as they could, but they had to get back to the spot where they started,

'so you could take one step and you'd get back to where you were, but that's not a very long distance. No.

SALLY STILL LAUGHING

Which of our highly intelligent gang are we going to see first?

'We're gonna save Sally for a bit. LAUGHTER We'll start with Bob.

Are you ready?

Good. Your time... BOB LAUGHS

Your time starts...

WHISTLE BLOWS I'm gonna put a piece of bread...

I'm gonna take what I think is the bottom of it off.

I quite like the idea of having this...shape.

One... No, I'll take...

Drops a bit of bread.

'I'm doing it very traditionally here, I suppose, but I can't think of any other way.

WHISTLE BLOWS

I'm gonna remain here. You've got 30 seconds...

'I didn't come through there. You've got three minutes to retrace your steps. Thanks. Your time starts now.

Oh, fuck. I never got through there.

One, two, three, four, five...

One, two, three, four, five.

Have you retraced your steps, Bob?

I have.

And that is where I wish to be buried.

There you are, that comes with age and experience.

APPLAUSE

That, I believe, is the traditional cry of the Middlesbrough peat man.

Bury me.

It was like a little adventure, that. It was great.

'You travelled 54 metres and got back to pretty much exactly the right spot.

'You could do what you wanted with the bread. You left a trail. Who wouldn't leave a trail?

Oh, I imagine most of them. Let's stop there for now.

'You have three minutes to do something valuable with your life. Goodbye for now.

APPLAUSE

Hello and, um...welcome back.

'It's part two and Alex is just desperate to fill us in on the latest.

'The current task involves getting as far as you can whilst blindfolded, then retracing your steps.

Bob made it look easy. Shall we see Mark and Aisling next? Yes, let's.

WHISTLE BLOWS

'I think the only way to do this is to walk in what I believe to be a completely straight line.

That's not very nice, is it? OK, Alex, how's your back? Here we go.

OK, go straight that way. OK.

What's the slice of bread for? Is that just one of those things?

Ah, breadcrumbs. I could leave a trail of breadcrumbs.

Put me down for a second.

I've just realised the point of the toast.

I should have put the toast down where I started.

'You've got one minute and ten seconds to go. In that case, time to be more liberal with the bread.

Ow! Ow, ow!

Put bread.

Just be aware now, I would.

Yes, I see what you mean. Well, I don't see anything at all.

WHISTLE BLOWS Oh, that was so tiring! Was it?

'Thank God I had these handy little crumbs to keep me... When I blow the whistle, you've got three minutes

to work out where we started from. WHISTLE BLOWS

Now, where's the bread? Where's the bread?

In that dog?

I found this old Quavers bag full of water.

We must be close. LAUGHTER

Is that where you think you started?

Well, roughly. Why roughly?

Because the blindfold made it very hard to know, in all fairness.

'This is where we started? Yeah. Thank you, Aisling. Thank you, Alex. Goodbye.

APPLAUSE

'I love to see Alex physically punished. Of course. So that was a big tick in your favour.

'But the bread realisation came late. Yes, and I had a munch at the start to have enough energy for the task.

'I didn't have much toast left. It was the furthest I've ever carried an adult.

'My previous record was 120 metres. I had to take an aunt across a car park at a wedding.

'We can see on a map how far I carried Aisling. She travelled 200 metres. That's where she started.

Then she staggered back in that direction but didn't get far enough,

so she ended up only 64 metres away from the starting point.

In the right direction? In the right direction. Which in life is not bad.

We can compare that to Mark. Not bad at all.

'Mark walked 70 metres south-west. He then should have gone north-east but he carried on going south-west.

So he ended up 140 metres away from the start.

'As you saw, I couldn't find any of the bread. It makes sense because it wasn't there.

'It wasn't there because, and this is incredible, Mark, and absolutely indicative of your luck on this show,

your bread was eaten by a dog. LAUGHTER

Who's next?

Next are two of our most intelligent individuals, Sally and Nish.

WHISTLE BLOWS

I wish I was confident enough to run. You're running.

Oi! There was a ditch there, Nish.

A bit rougher ground here.

40. I'm counting my steps. 41, 42.

I have to warn you... Stop!

67 and then turn to the right.

One, two, three, four, five, six...

Is this bread for any purpose?

A bit bumpy here.

Ten more seconds. Be careful. Ow, ow, ow!

WHISTLE BLOWS

OK, you've got three minutes to get back to your starting positon.

I've literally no... I think I got to here and stopped.

Yes, this is where you stopped. SHE LAUGHS

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

I think it's over...

I did like...

SHE SIGHS

You've got one minute left, Nish.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

OK, I think... I didn't go that far. I think it was...

Hmm.

You've got ten more seconds, Sally.

WHISTLE BLOWS Why did I not use the bread?

APPLAUSE

'I want to start by asking you both a very specific question. What did you think the bread was for?

Holding, Gregory!

Sally?

At the end, I went, "Shit, I should have used this as a compass!"

LAUGHTER

I think the thing that startled me about you, Nish,

is if you've got a pet dog at home and you blow in its face,

it absolutely baffles a dog, absolutely confuses it,

and that was Nish's face throughout this entire task.

'The bread seemed to weigh you down because when you walked, you just went in a circle.

'You took 300 paces, but travelled 15 metres. Do you want to see some stats? Yeah.

Sally travelled 220 metres, then headed back in the right direction.

She ended up just 74 metres away. Not bad. Not too bad.

'She ran all over... Oh, my God! More by luck than judgment. That's really good.

'Let's have a look at... Nish ended up just 15 metres from the starting point,

then walked 180 metres in the wrong direction,

so ended up 195 metres away.

'But it's one point to Nish, two to Mark, three to Sally, four to Aisling and five to Bob Mortimer!

APPLAUSE

Let's have our first look at the scoreboard at this juncture, Alex.

'There's a three-way tie for second place and Bob is one point ahead of them, so Bob's in the lead.

APPLAUSE

'Alex Horne, what's next? OK, we're gonna have the Taskmaster equivalent of the Winter Olympics.

Oh, shit!

Uh-oh! I already know I'm going to be brilliant at this.

I don't know, really. I don't know about this already.

This looks scary. Hello, Bob. Hi there.

"Muster the biggest coconut bobsleigh team.

"Most coconut bobsleigh team members still on board...

"..when their bobsleigh comes to a halt wins.

"You may only use items in the caravan to secure your coconuts.

'"You'll be disqualified if you use any item used by another contestant."

Impossible to know what they've used, of course.

"You have 20 minutes and one attempt.

"Your time starts now."

To the caravan!

APPLAUSE

'It is amazing how some games on this show can just give us a brief window into the souls of the competitors.

'I've written down everything that they said. Bob said nothing. He just got on with it.

'Aisling said, "I already know I'm going to be brilliant at this," which is incredible.

Mark said, "I don't know about this." Sally said, "This looks scary."

And Nish went, "Oh, shit!"

'Who are we going to see first? We'll have a look first, just to see how to do it, Mark Watson. Oh, dear.

By coincidence, there's a coconut harness in here.

'If you deployed this correctly, you could put quite a lot of coconuts in it and tape it to the skateboard.

'This is like a prisoner's dilemma. We might all think everyone's gonna do it, then no-one doesit.

Let's think. There's plenty of time.

There's an apron here. I don't... Ah, Blu-Tack!

I found some blue tape. Basically, it's about going completely virgin

'and shoving all the coconuts on and hoping for the best which is not the worst way of doing it.

There we go. Now, that's what we don't want to happen.

That's more than you'd have in a real bobsleigh team. This is heavy!

It mustn't upturn. If it upturns, we do have a problem.

And stay on, stay on, stay on! Stay on, stay on!

I'll take it, I'll take it. Well done, boys.

If anyone gets disqualified, then I've beaten them.

Well, thank you, Mark. Well, thank you for the opportunity. Bye-bye.

APPLAUSE

That was some pretty powerful motivational shit you were shouting.

'I thought more of them would stay on if I yelled that at them, but we'll never know. Just "stay on" as well.

'Sometimes I say it to myself when I'm trying to... LAUGHTER

'It didn't have to cross the finishing line. It was when the skateboard came to a halt.

He put 19 on. The harness would have held 18. Two stayed on.

'I admit it's not a great score. We'll see. It's a score, though. It's a score.

I'm hoping that maybe someone didn't do that.

Beep! Yes, that's the end of part two. Bye!

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

Part three, Alex.

'Thank you, Greg. Hello, my name is Alex Horne. I'm gonna be 40 next year.

'The brave contestants are trying to send as many coconuts down a ramp on a skateboard as possible,

the goal to have the most coconuts on the board once it stops.

'If they use the same items to secure their coconuts as anyone else, they'll be disqualified.

We're gonna see Nish and Aisling now.

Whoa!

'Can I put the coconuts in this thing? What is that? A coconut harness. I suppose so.

'How do I know if other people have used it? Do you think they might use the coconut harness? Yeah, probably.

I'm definitely gonna use some of this fire hydrant stuff.

That'll be sticky, won't it, Alex?

What if someone has used this?

Oh, God, this game is so hard!

So I'm creating a larger surface area, Alex, to put the coconuts on.

I assume that's fine, Alex.

As long as no-one else uses it. God, I hate this game!

I just want to make, like, a sort of barrier,

so the coconuts don't fall off. There's a banana barrier?

It doesn't quite fit.

'How does this work then? "Pull off the ring, use upright, aim at base of fire."

See if that works.

I think... Aagh! Quick, get it on the thing. Don't waste it on that.

Ah, Alex, you've ruined it!

Oh, God, it's so heavy!

Oh! It is bloody heavy.

Oh, God! It's not gonna work.

We have the classic underdog.

Sometimes in life...

you have to dare to dream.

For Ireland

is the greatest bobsleigh country in the wo-o-orld!

Go on, lads!

Keep going!

Ireland's the greatest country in the wo-o-orld...

..o-o-orld!

Yeah!

APPLAUSE

She said she'd be good and I thought Aisling absolutely smashed that!

Yeah. Thanks, Greg. A compliment.

And I think that is the first ever use of the banana barrier.

I think you may own... LAUGHTER

You may own the banana barrier. It also is bio-degradable, edible.

After you've finished using it, you just go back and eat it.

You do. Yeah. Nish... Yes, hello.

What a great achievement I had as well! You started off brilliantly.

'It looked like you'd get the whole team down. He put 35 in. No-one so far has used the same item.

13 stayed on. Unlucky 13.

13 alive. 13 alive. Unlucky number. And how many did Aisling get?

14.

Oh, suspense, Nishy!

You should have held your boys in with fruit.

'LAUGHTER Not the first time that's been said to me.

Who are we gonna see now, Alex? Bob and Sally now. Whoo!

Only one attempt? Yeah.

So I can't test this on there?

You can test, but when you're doing your attempt, that will be the one.

I might just... I might just... I might just...

LAUGHTER

I'll go and have a look in the caravan.

Well, I have a plan, people. I have a plan.

Coconut harness. Yeah, it's so tempting.

If I use that, I'm disqualified, everyone will think that,

so should I just use it and we can all move on, you know?

'I don't know whether I should just do this one and not try to be clever... OK, I've got a plan.

You've taken down my curtain? Yeah.

Now I'm thinking everyone's gonna use the curtain.

So they're going in the curtain?

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, they are heavy.

Shit!

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Good luck, Bob. Thank you.

It's not me being a shithouse. I can't get any...

That's my attempt.

Thanks, Bob. APPLAUSE

I see myself coming down that ramp with all the coconuts

in a beige, velour curtain bag like some kind of sick Santa.

Uh-oh! No!

Right...

Aaah, yes, OK.

CRIES OF EXERTION

Right, now,

I just need to... Here we go.

Yea-ea-eah!

APPLAUSE

I mean, that has got to stick in your craw, hasn't it?

Honestly, I'm just thrilled that my mind works sometimes

in the same way as the venerable Bob Mortimer's.

Hey, Greg, would you have allowed it?

Would I have allowed yours? Either of them.

I would have allowed Sally's. The coconuts were on the skateboard.

And mine were beside the skateboard. LAUGHTER

Sometimes my job gets done for me.

'Bob and Sally don't get any points, then it goes Mark with three, Nish with four, Aisling wins the task!

APPLAUSE

Come on, Ireland! What do we have coming up next?

'I'm afraid we're gonna mess with Nish's brain again. It's another bloody referendum. Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Just trying to look natural on camera.

This does not look authorised.

"Vote for which contestant you think should receive five bonus points.

'"The contestant who receives the most votes will receive five bonus points.

"You may vote for yourself.

'"If, however, you vote for yourself and fail to receive most votes, you will lose two points."

There's a polling booth there. That's convenient, actually.

You see, if I vote for myself, I'm at risk.

'On the other hand, I do think I should receive all the bonus points.

The guys will all vote for themselves, except Bob,

who is a kind of wild card,

and Aisling and I will vote for other people.

I've cast my vote.

Done.

Democracy!

APPLAUSE

They're voting for someone to get five bonus points,

'so the tactic is to vote for who you think is the weakest person to improve their score.

Sally voted for Bob, Bob voted for Sally. Aw!

Aisling also voted for Sally.

'So far no-one's voted for themselves. What do you think Mark and Nish did?

LAUGHTER

'They voted for themselves. What Sally said came true. Sally gets five points, they lose two points.

APPLAUSE It was incredible.

The scoreboard now looks very even.

'Sally and Aisling are both at the top, followed by Mark and Bob, and there's Nish. There we go.

APPLAUSE

That is fast becoming the subtitle of this series - "and there's Nish".

OK, we've got time for another one, right? Jolly good. Here you go.

Bonjour, Alex. Hello, Aisling.

Right, fine, don't reply in the language I came in with.

Hello, Sally. Hi. Is this an art task?

'I'm wearing "day of the week" socks, but it's the wrong day. I don't give an S.

Primary school feeling, vibe. OK. Just saying.

Was it a happy time? For me? Yeah.

My first day wasn't. Someone had done a poo in the sandpit.

LAUGHTER

"Make a funny little flick-book film.

"The mat beneath your feet... is the paper.

'"The camera above your head will take photos of your paper. The funniest flick-book film wins.

"You have one hour. Now flick the flick-book."

"Your time start...your time sta... your time s...your time...you..."

I did it backwards, didn't I, Alex?

LAUGHTER

Who shat in the sandpit? I'll never know. I remember it was sweet.

'I mean, at that age, something brown and cylindrical, it's going in, isn't it? Pop it in.

'So we're going to see Bob's first who did an instructional video on how to peel a banana.

APPLAUSE

I don't believe it. I loved that.

'We have made it into a flick-book. There it is. That's a work of art. It's technically excellent.

Really satisfying, Bob. It really was exceptional. Who's next?

Do you want to see Sally's one? Oh, yes. OK, this is Sally's.

MIAOW

Le chat est boing-boing. Le chat est boing-boing.

Le chat est boing-boing.

Oh, le chapeau! Uh-oh!

Attention au chapeau. C'est dangereux.

Oh, non. Oh, non, petit chat!

Le chapeau!

Le chat a ete mange par le chapeau.

Uh-oh! Fin.

APPLAUSE

I could translate it while you flick.

'If you could translate it into English, I'll get a full understanding of the film.

"The cat is boing-boing. The cat is boing-boing. Watch out for the hat.

'"The hat is dangerous. Oh, no, little cat, the hat! The cat has been eaten by the hat. Uh-oh!"

'It's better in French. "End." Oh, sorry, "end". If you eat bananas, the "chat" definitely boing-boinged!

A quick break, one part to go, and that features the live tasks,

so until then or perhaps for ever, goodbye, everyone.

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to every single one of you.

What were we doing before the break? We were having a good old flick.

Who's next? Do you want to have a look at Aisling?

Yes, please. OK, this is more complicated. Hmm.

DOG PANTING

APPLAUSE It is complicated.

'I wonder, if I may, drill down into the narrative because I do think this is an allegory. Yes.

My perception is that you think that love is jumping at the wrong man,

him deflecting you,

and by chance you ending in the arms of the right man

and then you're forced to eat shit.

'Yeah, that's actually it, yeah. Ring my mother. She'll tell you that's pretty much my relationship history.

When you meet the right guy, you think, "This is gonna be amazing."

They're like, "No, I've brought all my past issues!"

In the form of dog shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. "From this other bitch I was seeing."

'Who's next, Alex? Two left to see and first of the last to see is Mark Watson.

APPLAUSE

'Well, you should all know that Mark and Alex have been friends for 20 years, so...

And most of it's been like that. There was some real beauty there.

'It was a simple story of friends getting together, sharing some experiences, falling out

because of the selfishness of one of them and that friend atoning for it.

With a kiwi fruit? The traditional method.

'And you ate the kiwi fruit together? We did. There was a slight homo-erotic undertone. Slight?

That stuff does really well at the box office.

'Oh? I thought it was really touching and I loved the way we could see your pants all throughout.

Le chat est dans le pantalon.

LAUGHTER

We are going to see the "chat" one more time if that's all right. Yeah.

We'll see the final film, Nish, who featured "le chatty-bonbon". Oui.

APPLAUSE

Ou est le chat?

Le chat est dans le Nish.

That is an absolutely savage piece of film-making.

I can barely separate them, but if I had to, purely on artistic merit,

'if I were to give two films the edge, I would give Bob and Nish's pieces of work the edge.

They were technically very proficient, so five points to them?

'Five points to them, then the other three, who I also hugely enjoyed, I'd give three points each.

So we've got two first places and three third places.

APPLAUSE

'Oh, God, do you know what? I've just been wondering what the series scores are like.

I've got them here. It is tight. We've got Nish Kumar on 90. Yes!

Then we jump up a bit. We've got Sally...

LAUGHTER Sally's on 112.

Aisling on 114, Mark 115, Bob 117. It's within five points.

APPLAUSE

'It's between Aisling and Sally in this episode, 15 points each at this stage.

One task to go. APPLAUSE

Please head to the stage for the final task of the show!

CHEERING

Hello, Greg. Hello, Alex.

Would you please tell me who's going to read out tonight's final task?

It's going to be Aisling Bea. Oh!

Thank you, sir.

Perfect.

"Send the most things to the Taskmaster.

'"Items must travel via zipline and land on your segment of the Taskmaster's table.

"You may not move from your current position.

"You have...100 seconds!"

OK, I'll blow the whistle to start. You were very dramatic.

I realise I'm not a very dramatic person. OK, you've got 100 seconds.

Good luck. Your time starts... BLOWS WHISTLE

Stay on the mat, please, Aisling. Stay on the mat, Bob. Sorry.

Do stay on the mat. Do stay on the mat. Oh, how has he done that?

Bob Mortimer, basket in.

Oh, we've got a problem here. You must stay on the mat.

Can I get the wire? She let go of it, but she must stay on the mat.

Come on, the bra! No!

Fuck off!

Oh, oh...

Yeah.

She's on the mat.

An audience member has got involved.

You've got 35 seconds left. 35 seconds.

Come on, shoe!

Damn you, damn you! See you in hell!

Why can't I get the coat-hanger on there? Come on, you prick!

LAUGHTER

'They must travel via the zipwire. Stay on your mat, Aisling. Come on, you prick! Stay on your mat.

Come on, you stupid monkey's prick!

Five seconds left. Come on! Three seconds left.

Two, one...

BLOWS WHISTLE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come down and we'll see how that's affected the final scores.

CHEERING

Well...

'Varying degrees of skill there, Alex. I was very concerned for your safety, Greg.

Yes, so was I, Nish. LAUGHTER

'Sometimes you get caught up in the heat of the moment and you chuck a coconut at a massive whitedude.

Unacceptable. Nul points.

I thought it was a lovely juxtaposition.

At one point, Bob was just very delicately sending paper clips down

and very effectively,

'and just to his right, Aisling was shouting, "Get down there, you monkey prick!"

LAUGHTER

'How did Mark do? Mark did pretty well. He got five things down. How did you get the balloons down?

In the little basket. He put the balloons in the little basket.

'Everyone had a nice run with the basket. Not Sally because she dropped the rope. So no points for Sally?

It depends. Are you disqualifying Nish for throwing coconuts at you?

'No, I'm not going to disqualify Nish because, let's face it, the guy's broken.

So it's Sally, then Aisling, then Nish in third,

who got four things in, Mark got five. Bob - eight items.

APPLAUSE

There's a change in the leaderboard. The leaderboard now looks like this.

The winner is...Mr Bob Mortimer!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done, Bob. Will you please head to the stage

and have fun fondling your surprisingly expensive item?

CHEERING

How much loo roll do you have left, Alex?

I've got 84, enough for three more dirts.

LAUGHTER What have we learnt today?

'Nous avons appris que le chat est dans le chapeau et le chat est dans Nish.

Le chat, il fait mort

et Alex, c'est un dick.

LAUGHTER

'That's it for another Taskmaster. Well done to Bob. See you next time for the grand finale. Good night!

Subtitles by Ericsson