Original subtitles

Previously on Rescue Me...

-Oh, you're the, uh-- -Hot older chick

who saved her own ass in the Brownstone fire the other night.

Get your ass up and get her out of there!

That was awesome.

What the hell was in that box the other night?

Yeah, what was in that box the other night?

None of your business.

It is our business. You're running into a fire--

Nobody's talking to you, Opie.

My name's Tommy.

Yeah, but you got kind of a Ron Howard thing going on.

Are you free tomorrow night?

Uh, yeah.

Call me for the time and place.

Frank, he's got problems with his cock, dude.

So what's the problem this time, pee-wee?

It looks like a hairy cheese doodle.

-What? -Yeah. It's orange.

Look. You probably heard through the grapevine already, you know,

I'm getting married in a couple days.

I've been hearing whispers.

| wanted to ask you if you would, you know,

stand up for me, be my best man.

Uh, let me put this in terms that you can understand.

Sheila's the Red Sox, I'm the Yankees.

| have a hell of a lot more to offer.

And how do you figure that?

Because | come with your children.

It's a lose-lose situation for me. If | pick her, | lose you.

If | pick you, | lose her and access to Katy a-and the baby.

I'm eventually gonna find someone else.

You choose me,

and you know what you're getting both in and out of bed.

Hey, hey.

Hey, chief. Whoa. Shit.

It’s like the goddamn ice capades over here.

Christ.

Hey, Agent Orange, uh, how’s your peas and carrot?

Won’t go back to its normal color.

I’m thinkin’ about goin’ to the tanning bed

so the rest of me matches my dick.

Want some vitamin water? | got all kinds of flavors.

Yeah. You got any, uh, Garrity flavored?

That would be orange. No?

Got blue, color of my balls. All right, give me that.

Yeah, the RAC is not exactly a pussy wagon, is it?

Needles was workin’ that one time years ago

when he hurt his back. Said he was more likely

to get laid drivin’ a pink Prius, you know?

But it’s nice. It’s more of a downtime type of gig, right?

Oh, yeah. It’s sweet, man. Feinberg hooked me up.

All | do is go job to job handin’ out vitamin water.

Occasionally | gotta get the thawing apparatus

to de-ice the hydrant, but | pretty much just sit in the bus

watchin’ old bootleg movies on my laptop.

Oh, sh--

Oh, Shawn. Cancel his audition for blaxcapades, by the way.

You got any salt in the rig there, ginger dick?

| don’t. Just vitamin water.

Look, make yourself useful, huh?

Go get some salt and bring it out here

before somebody breaks his goddamn neck

on this goddamn ice. I’m sorry to tell you this,

chief, but | don’t believe that falls under my jurisdiction

as a member of RAC, and I’ve even done the research.

| went onto the department website,

and all I’m responsible for is thawing and vitamin water,

so-- | got towels. Want towels?

Look, if my Jewish ass hits this sidewalk before you get back

with the world’s biggest bag of salt,

your ass is gonna make the Gaza Strip

look like Miami goddamn Beach.

| got a better idea. I’m gonna go get some salt.

Get some pretzels too.

| thought | told you to shave off the goddamn goatee.

I’m the lead singer of a rock band, Lou.

| have to have the goatee. It’s part of my vibe.

I've been pickin’ up a new vibe from you, Mike,

and you know what it is? Dick.

You can be just as big a dick without the goatee, Mike,

all right? Yeah.

You’re not a rock star. You’re a fireman.

Yeah, for now, but Kelly’s hookin’ us up

with this A&R guy.

The hot chick who saved herself in the fire?

Yeah, yeah. She’s sendin’ down a--

A guy to listen to the band.

[THUD] Hey, spics-capades.

And after we rock his world,

he’s gonna, uh, sign Apache Stone to his label.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. She said all that?

Yeah, the part about sendin’ the guy down.

Did you sleep with her?

Tom, I’m tryin’ to keep the relationship

on a professional level here.

Yeah, okay, so you got a hot, smart, independent woman

with a great ass, and you’re not interested.

Yeah. Well, it’s ’cause she doesn’t have a cock.

It’s not a gay thing, guys.

Yeah, well, did you get her naked?

Yes. Did you touch her tits?

Yes. But you didn’t sleep with her?

No. Don’t get any gayer than that.

No, it don’t. Uh, listen, guys, | mean,

we were totally makin’ out and everything,

and she’s got a slammin’ body, by the way,

which | was all over, and everything was goin’ great,

but then | started to sing.

| told you. Couldn’t get it up.

Did-- did you just say you started to sing,

as in singing?

Wait a minute. Was this while you were maybe

down there givin’ her a little bit of oral pleasure?

’Cause sometimes when I’m down there doin’ that,

you know, I'll hum. Heh-heh.

But you won’t actually ever break into song.

LOU: No, it’s too risky.

Unless you're datin’ a chick with a microphone in her pussy--

In which case, get right out of it,

the only thing worse than a pussy with bugs

is a bugged pussy. Agreed.

Now, Pavarotti, tell me this.

When you were singin’, please,

tell me it wasn't an Apache Stone song.

Uh, it wasn’t an Apache Stone song.

Okay, good. Thank God.

Of course it was an Apache Stone song, Lou.

| don’t know anything else the whole way through.

Anyway, she got really pissed off, all right?

Well, at least she didn’t puke on you.

| mean, not at first, but after a couple verses--

Couple of verses? This is unbelievable.

Most guys won't go in without a condom.

This asshole needs a set list.

By the time | got to the chorus, she was, like,

half-dressed and holdin’ the door open for me.

Well, how did you get her to agree to have the guy come down

in case you guys are good, make a deal?

| refused to stop singin’ until she promised.

Okay, I’m pickin’ up a new vibe from you, Mikey.

Know what this one is? It’s called moron.

Maybe, Tom, but a moron who’s about this close

to gettin’ a record deal. Heh-heh-heh.

All right...1 know-- I’m gonna hit him.

Okay, okay. All right. Listen to me. Little Freddie Mercury here

without the talent,

you can keep the chin strap until the gig, all right?

But if you don’t get signed, off it comes, along with your hair,

your eyebrows, your pubes, everything.

Pubes too?

Hairless as the day you were born.

All right, but when we do get the record deal,

you guys gotta do the same thing.

Deal. ~ Deal I

Done, done. Goodbye.

See ya. Bye-bye.

You know, it really is. It’s-- It’s--

It’s almost gettin’ too easy at this point.

It’s not fair to him, you know.

Let me guess. Tastes like, uh, formula 50?

Cat piss. Ew.

[THE VON BONDIES’ "C’MON, C’MON" PLAYING]

On another day C’mon, c’mon f

With these ropes tied tight Can we do no wrong? J

J Now we grieve ‘Cause now is gone S

Things were good When we were young f

~ When my teeth bite down | can see the blood J

J Of a thousand men Who have come and gone f

J Now we grieve ‘Cause now is gone S

Things were good When we were young f

Ils it safe to say? J ~C’mon, c’mon f

? Was it right to leave? J ~C’mon, c’mon J

< Will | ever learn? I ~C’mon, c’mon f

~ C’mon, c’mon C’mon, c’mon J

[GRUNTING]

Lay off the bag, puddin’. I’m cancelin’ the Wilson fight.

Chief. No arguments.

Hey, | Know I’ve been sluggish lately, b--

Your head ain’t in it, Frankie. I’m not puttin’ you in the ring

with a quality guy. | gotta fight, okay?

| got a lot of pent-up shit now. Go see a shrink.

If | don’t get back in the ring soon,

| swear to God I’m gonna yank some bum off the sidewalk

and beat him senseless. Come on, man. Help me out here.

Well, there is something.

Anything.

You might have a moral issue with this.

Guy brought it to me last week. It’s a chick.

A chick, like as in a guy in a chicken suit or somethin’?

No, like a woman ina tits-and-vagina suit.

Some promoter downtown told me about it,

but | figured there’s no way you're gonna hit a broad,

so | told him to get lost.

I’m interested.

Yeah?

Yeah. | mean, she’s a real fighter, right?

Yeah. She’s a tiger, from what | hear.

She beat two guys across the pond last month.

We’d be, uh, wearin’ headgear and 16-ounce gloves?

The whole thing.

No kickin’ or scratchin’ or hair-pullin’, nothin’ like that?

Frankie, | would never let you do anything like that,

unless you were behind on points.

Look, this is all aboveboard.

It’s underground, of course, but it’s aboveboard.

Yeah. Tell him we're interested.

You sure? Hundred percent.

All right. I'll set it up.

All right. Thanks, chief.

Oh, | gotta tell you, Frankie,

| figured, with your brain and conscience,

you would’ve been a tougher sell on this.

Yeah. There’s somethin’ | should let you know

that | just recently found out about myself, chief.

| ain't really that smart.

It’s good to know.

[CHATTER OVER RADIO]

[GRUNTING]

Hey.

Uh, hey. You lookin’ for Mike? No. Lookin’ for you.

Yeah, right. Hey, kid.

Hoo. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

What, do you got some self-esteem problems

we need to talk about? Not particularly.

Then why do you find it so hard to imagine

I’m here lookin’ for you?

Look, I’ve had the whole older, uh--

Well, back in high school,

| kinda slept with one of my teachers, so...

Awoman? Yes, a woman.

| didn’t wanna assume. Maybe you went to Catholic school.

No, this wasn’t a priest. It was a cougar.

Ah. Uh-huh. And are you calling me a cougar?

No, ma’am. | mean, miss. Ms.

My name’s Kelly, all right? And I’m not a goddamn cougar.

You’re lookin’ at a different kind of animal.

Now, | don’t usually take this long in the negotiation stage.

What’s it gonna be, shortcake? You in or out?

Why me?

Because you seem nice,

and you got that skinny, pasty,

floppy-haired Hugh Grant thing goin’ on.

Last time I’m askin’.

Uh, well, you know, it’s...

Hold up! Yeah. Yes. | want in.

| definitely want in.

Okay. Uh, two things. | know you're in a band with Mike,

which is great. | can talk music all night long,

and something tells me you have a higher musical IQ.

Or a higher IQ in general than Mike,

but then so does a sparrow,

so | won't wanna stab you in the face with a fork

every time you open your mouth. But listen to me.

You never, ever, no matter what happens,

you never sing for me.

| don’t sing.

Then we’re good.

And, uh, what was the second thing?

Ask your mom to pad your curfew a few hours.

Tomorrow night, 10:00.

Yeah, well, | don’t live with my mom anymore.

| can stay up as late as | want, you know!

Hey, cougar meat, your mom’s on the phone.

Oh, shit.

Listen, if it's any help-- Oh, Jesus Christ.

| don’t think you look like this Opie thing at all.

Thanks.

Maybe a little round the eyes and...

the nose and...

When you do-- All right, all right.

Look, | don’t think you look like any of those other guys

these assholes think you do.

Who? Come on. Kevin Bacon?

[SCOFFS] It’s ridiculous.

Yeah. And Willem Dafoe?

[GROANS]

| don’t get the Gretzky thing at all, but David Caruso...

Yeah?

Yeah. Come on. He’s handsome.

Yeah. You both wear sunglasses a lot.

Mm-hmm.

He’s got that-- That gravelly voice, you know?

[GRAVELLY] Makes him sound angry even when he’s not.

[NORMAL] And he’s got a sexy walk about him.

Yeah?

Yeah. That’s what my wife says.

Your wife barely speaks English. What’s up?

Nothin’. No, something’s up.

You're buttering me up. You’re doin’ a dance--

Tommy, I’m not buttering you up. | just came to talk.

You're doin’ an Irish goddamn jig, my friend.

What’s the bad news?

What do you want from me, Tommy? It’s all bad news.

| mean, look at the world we're livin’ in.

| mean, the Palestinians might have nuclear weapons.

[MUTTERS] Lou’s gettin’ married

and wants me to be his best man at his wedding.

[NORMAL] Derek Jeter is on steroids.

| mean, it’s a big black hole we live under here.

Mmm. What was the, uh-- What was that you said?

Jeter, he might be doin’ steroids.

No, no, no. No. No. Not Jeter. The other thing.

Palestinians. Mmm.

| heard it on the Internet. No. No.

Middle thing. The Lou thing.

The Lou thing?

Our Lou?

Where’s Lou?

He’s in the kitchen.

Talk to Needles? Yeah.

He tell you about the David Caruso thing?

What?

| was watchin’, uh, TV the other night, CSI: Miami,

you know, and it hits me.

You know, during the opening credits with all those fast cuts

and the song by The Who playin’. Yes.

And it hits me like a goddamn brick

right in the middle of the head.

| can’t believe | never saw it before.

| mean, David Caruso, Tommy Garrity.

You two are like twins.

Only, instead of the sexy,

dynamic, crime-fightin’ twin,

| get stuck with the complete self-centered asshole twin

who’s supposed to be my best friend,

but how is he supposed to be my friend

when I’m gettin’ married to-- To the woman that | love,

a--and | have to think of a way

to not only have him not be my best man,

but to have him not come to the goddamn wedding at all.

Okay, | am so-- Just shut your face, Tommy.

Just shut your fat Irish mouth right now.

Hey. Hey. You guys okay?

[IN UNISON] No.

Okay. Uh, maybe we should, uh--

[IN UNISON] Get out.

So I’m the asshole here? Right? Is that the--

That’s what the--

Because | deem, in all my assholishness,

to tell my friend the goddamn truth, right?

Deign. Not "deem," deign.

You deign to tell me the truth.

You lean down from your perch on high,

and you whisper the goddamn truth

to your merry little minions. Yeah.

All the little asshole fools

that make up the kingdom of Tommy The Great.

You know what, Tommy’? | know. | Know the truth.

She was a whore, okay? Yeah.

And how does that make her any different than you, huh?

She was a whore because she saw what she wanted

and she went and she took it,

and how is that any different than you?

Chasing your goddamn cousin’s wife into the sack

under the guise of-- Of 9/11

or some shared experience with that day.

Three hundred and forty-three of our brothers perish.

They disappear into a cloud of smoke,

including your own flesh and blood.

And your reaction is to bang his wife.

| mean, what’s that about?

Or is it just that, you know, your own marriage

had deteriorated to the point

where you were this self-centered father

who was drunk all the time

so your wife didn’t wanna sleep with you,

so you went, and you, uh, decided to bang

that gorgeous brown ass that you’d probably

been secretly coveting the entire time

Jimmy Keefe was alive.

"Thou shalt not steal,"

that was the commandment that Candy broke.

"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife,"

that was the one you broke.

She did it to pay the rent.

You did it just to get your goddamn rocks off.

That’s, uh...

[BOTH GRUNTING]

You like-- You like that?

[CLATTERING]

You son of a bitch!

l-- | swear to God-- You son of--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey! Get off!

Lou. Lou, stop! Chill. Chill, man. Chill.

Jesus Christ. Come on. Come on. Get up. Relax.

God. Christ.

What the hell took you so long?

Yeah. Where’d you guys come in from, Canada, for Christ’s sake?

We could have killed each other. You all right, asshole?

Yeah, I’m fine. You?

Yeah, |’m fine.

What the hell is goin’ on in here?

He ate all the Oreos.

| bought all the goddamn Oreos.

Well, do you want us to get more Oreos or--

No, just get the hell out. Not you.

[SIGHS]

Get out!

They’re gone.

All right, look,

here’s the deal.

Tommy’s gonna come to my wedding as my best man.

If anything happens,

you're gonna step in as the buffer.

The buffer?

Whoa, wait a minute. If this means | gotta blow a guy,

you count me the hell out right now.

No. No, no. That’s a fluffer, asshole, okay?

All right, Tommy comes to the wedding.

He does one negative thing, one wiseass look,

one snide, sarcastic comment, anything,

he steps out as best man, and you step in as the buffer.

Like a pinch hitter?

Exactly. You’re on deck. Ah.

Deal? Yeah. Deal.

So...we good?

No, we’re not good.

I’ve got so much roiling, simmering hatred for you

from so many years of so much shit

that I’m just gonna put a sock in it right now.

Although, | gotta tell you, be honest. |--

| really can’t blame you for the Sheila thing.

| mean, there’s one gorgeous woman.

Yeah.

Mmm.

[WINCES]

You gotta blow the caterer.

[GROANS]

Clean up the kitchen, Gavin.

[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHATTER]

Hi.

What are you doin’ here?

Damian couldn’t make it.

Uh, hey. Check, please. Right away.

All right, calm down.

| don’t know what your angle is, but number one,

| don’t date married guys,

number two, you’re way too old for me,

and number three, two words | believe I’ve already mentioned:

Ron Howard.

Thanks. I’m not eating.

Bring another vodka with the check.

Absolutely.

Where’s the kid?

Okay, the kid is my godson, as well as my probie.

He just got out of the academy. He’s barely old enough to drink.

He was livin’ with his mom until about a month ago.

He started shaving this year. He’s a baby.

Yes, which means he will happily do whatever | tell him to in bed

and be ready to do it all over again in less than a half-hour.

Remember those days?

Hey, | don’t get any complaints in that department, sister.

That must be why your wife is divorcing you.

My wife is not divorcing me because of any sexual things.

No, she’s divorcing you

because you’re a lying, cheating alcoholic.

Mike told me right before he sang his little song.

What’s your cutoff age? Let me guess. Twenty-four.

| don’t discriminate. Age is not really an obstacle.

Christ, | dated Mick Jagger for almost five weeks.

Did you sleep with him?

No. Why?

Why do you think? He’s goddamn ancient.

| mean, he’s got the body of a Jonas Brother, but the face,

more like a Smothers Brother.

Heh. So what was in the, uh, box?

What?

The box that you basically put your life on the line

to run in and rescue.

Personal stuff.

Sentimental stuff,

just a couple of Bowie albums from the seventies, some photos,

plus my weed.

Your weed? And my paraphernalia.

The vaporizer cost me a small fortune.

Uh-huh. You ran into a burning building to-- To save weed?

It’s good weed.

It’s-- Jesus Christ. Must be the greatest weed ever.

You smoke? No, I-- I’m a fireman.

I’m a public servant, okay? | am drug-free.

Besides, I-- You know, | was--

| think marijuana just makes people, you know, delusional.

Oh, really? How?

Well, for one example, it makes Willie Nelson think he can act.

Let me tell you something. This weed is so good,

Willie Nelson would be doin’ Shakespeare in the park

after one hit. | changed my mind.

Let’s leave it open. And why don’t you bring us, um--

What do you drink?

Uh, it would actually be easier for me

to list what | don’t drink.

Bring us a bottle of your best tequila.

You know, you’ve got a-- A thing,

Like a triangle in your left eye.

Yes.

It’s kind of like Bowie.

You know, he has those two different-colored eyes.

One of ’em’s a-- Is a strange shape.

Yeah, he-- He’s probably too old for you.

Oh, no, not him.

| would knock him on out cold

if | got within 10 feet of David Bowie.

He could be usin’ a walker,

and | would just fold it up and do him.

What?

You got kind of a David Bowie thing goin’ on. Heh.

[LAUGHS] What?

Well, | walk in here, and | supposedly look like | just came

off the set of Happy Days, and then a couple of drinks later,

I’m an aging British rock star.

Maybe | could smoke some of that ganja | got in the box

and turn you into goddamn George Clooney.

You know, | came down here to just try and make sure

that you kept your paws off my godson.

| came here to broaden his horizons.

You came down here to get him shitfaced

and bang his brains out. Six of one...

I’m 45 years old.

Bowie’s 62.

Listen, | know myself well enough at this point in my life.

We’re gonna sit here, go shot for shot for about an hour,

probably laugh our asses off while we do it,

and then pretty soon, I’m gonna start twistin’ it

around in my mind what you might be like in the sack,

and if we end up sharing a cab home,

| will probably make the first move,

and then we'll be makin’ out like mad.

And because we’re in a cab, there'll be a stranger there,

so it'll be kind of dangerous. And once we get to my apartment,

my common sense will have kicked back in,

and both of us will end up just going home alone.

You wanna know why?

Because I’m not David Bowie.

Mmm, you could be.

Told you it’s really good weed.

Muchas gracias.

Well...

[SIGHS]

Let the games begin.

It wasn’t a date.

Oh.

It wasn’t.

It was Damian’s date.

| w-- | was-- | went down there to--

| went down there a-- As his godfather,

and | should be getting credit for that,

not being cross-examined about it.

This chick-- First of all, she-- She’s crazy.

She drinks like a fish, and she’s, you know, a rock chick.

l-- That’s not even in my wheelhouse.

Heh.

Aging. Did | say aging rock chick?

Because she was. She-- She is.

Is she aging?

Yes, she is. She’s aged. Aged.

Aged.

Yes. She makes Chrissie Hynde look like, uh, Carrie Underwood.

Damian said she’s about my age

and that she kinda looks like me. Yeah.

He was here for his Thursday night laundry-dinner thing.

Okay. Everybody looks old to him.

He’s, you know-- How many women has he known?

When are you gonna learn Okay.

that you cannot lie to me?

I’m not-- Forget it.

Look, she looks like me, okay?

"She’s crazy," which | happen to know that you like.

And she drinks like a fish.

Hmm. Let me guess.

You met up with a genie on the street,

and he granted your three wishes.

Huh? Is that right? You're so funny.

| can drink too, you know. Yeah.

l-- | drink a lot of-- All the time by myself.

Whatever.

You, whatever.

You know, I-- It’s-- | can’t win.

| try to tell the truth.

Oh, my God. What?

Hamlet, Shakespeare.

Hamlet.

Mother-son thing.

You know, these classics, for me, it’s Raging Bull,

you know, it’s On The Waterfront, Annie Hall.

|-- | don’t think anybody in any of those movies

ever slept with their own mother.

Woody Allen married his own daughter. Does that count?

Damian, me--

Like, you think that he wants to sleep with his own--?

[GAGS]

Oh.

That’s what Hamlet’s about?

Jesus Christ.

Can’t believe Scorsese hasn’t made that.

Oh, my God. Would you please be serious?

It is a real psychological complex.

| think you’re overreacting, but look at the bright side.

If it doesn’t work out between me and you,

you don’t have to join an online dating service.

You just wait for laundry night. Do you want a spanking?

I’m kidding. | don’t know how to relate to the conversation,

being attracted to your own mother.

| mean, I’d have to wanna jump in the sack with, | don’t know,

Cloris Leachman just to match up.

I’m sure it’s... You’re over-- What?

No, | just-- | think that’s really weird

that you just kind of plucked Cloris Leachman out of thin air.

| didn’t pluck her out of thin air.

She’s been-- She was all-- On television.

Like, she was on Dancing with the Stars.

So | had to pick an old broad,

| picked the first old broad that came to mind.

No, no. She was really hot when she was young,

well into her 40s and 50s,

when she was on The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

Yes, she was. Hot and funny, which is double hot.

Yeah, you know, your mom looked like Cloris Leachman.

| Know. My mom used to watch the show too. She loved it.

What’s your point?

Tall, blond. Yep.

Cheekbone city.

My mom was the Cloris Leachman of real life.

~ You married your mother I

What?

[LAUGHING] You did.

Honey, Janet...

Yeah.

Cloris...

Yeah.

Mommy.

No.

Yeah. No.

Yes. | will get up on that Internet,

and | will Google Cloris Leachman circa 1977.

Well, go ahead. Well-- rll dig up--

You got a picture of Janet layin’ around the apartment?

|-- We'll match ’em up.

| got one in my fireplace.

[SCOFFS]

Don’t Google that. Hang on.

Shit. Wait.

Oh, you are such a cliché.

Janet was a classic choice for you.

You know, she strolls in with her long legs

and her long blond hair, and you were hooked,

blinded to every other single offering out there.

Trust me. | should know.

What’s that supposed to mean?

You had your chance with me.

Okay. When?

July 4, summer of ’85.

Oh, God.

| was not dating Jimmy yet, but you were already seeing Janet,

except you guys had some huge blowout, so she went away

to the beach with her family for a week,

so | asked you to the movies one night,

and then | asked you to dinner the next night,

and then | cooked for you for the next two nights,

and it was just, like, so much fun. We were so giddy,

and we’re laughing and drinking,

and we kept makin’ plans for each night as we went along,

and my skirts kept getting shorter and shorter,

by the end of the week, | was wearing these tiny cutoffs--

Cutoffs with your ass peeking out.

Yeah. | remember.

| remember the cutoffs. | remember the ass.

| remember that night,

‘cause we went down to Lombardi’s by the beach

to get some soft-serve ice cream,

and we stopped at the liquor store,

bought a bottle of vodka,

and we sat, and we drank,

and we talked,

and then | tore off your top,

and | laid you down in the sand, and | kissed you.

And | wanted to tear you to pieces that night,

but when | went to peel down

those tiny, little cutoffs,

you said you had to be home.

Your parents were waitin’ up or...

somethin’.

Hmm.

| didn’t have to be home.

Uh, you actually just--

You scared the shit out of me that night.

You-- You had this look in your eye,

and when we were at the liquor store,

there was that guy outside.

He, like, glanced at me, and you punched him in the face.

He went down on the boardwalk, and then you just,

like, grabbed my hand and led me away.

Yeah. The guy who was staring at your ass.

It was, uh, incredibly sudden and violent,

and, uh, it’s like | didn’t know what you were thinking

or what you were gonna do next.

You know, one minute, we're buyin’ booze,

and the next minute, some random guy’s nose is exploding blood

all over the goddamn beach. All right,

the guy had it coming, okay?

Jimmy would have done the same thing.

No. Jimmy would not have done the sa-- He would--

Yes, he would have stood up for me,

but he would have talked to the guy,

and then we would’ve walked away, nobody gets hurt.

He would have done the right thing minus the drama, okay?

| needed somebody like Jimmy,

who was solid and dependable,

and | knew that | wanted to get married and get settled down,

and you were just like--

You were too much trouble.

You were too much like me,

and | married Jimmy

because he wasn’t like me.

He was calm.

He was careful,

and he was gentle,

and he was sweet.

| mean, you know, he was really sweet

up until the time when he cheated on me.

| know. Weird.

He had an affair, and | found out

a year before he died.

We hadn’t had sex or touched at all in,

like, um, 14 months.

Shit, | di-- I--

See, right now, too much trouble,

that works for me,

and | know that it works for you.

All this shit that we’ve been through, all of this shit,

we can just keep it at bay by havin’ a good time.

Don’t we have a good time? Yeah.

Yeah.

‘Cause we drink and kiss,

and we screw, and we survive.

Look, Jimmy may have been

the best thing that ever happened to me until...

And, uh, Janet probably was the best thing

that ever happened to you

until you realized that you married your mommy.

| did not marry my--

Shh.

We have each other to fall back on now.

Plan B.

Don’t forget about my leaky sink.

| married my--

| didn’t marry my mom!

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hey.

[WHISTLES]

Listen. That-- That, uh--

That shit she was talkin’ about at the beach--

No, no, no. She-- She told me about it. Long, long time ago.

Gotta admit, coz-- Heh-heh-heh.

You are a goddamn caveman.

That’s funny.

Especially comin’ from, uh, Captain Calm,

Mr. Dependable over here.

Ah, you're right. That was me,

Mr. Always-Where-|-Was Supposed-To-Be.

Even on September 11.

Ah, maybe that’s why the marriage gave way.

Maybe she was just

bored of me. Heh.

Hell, when | was on the wagon,

| even bored the shit out of myself.

Who'd you sleep with?

[CHUCKLING]

Don’t you worry about it.

All right. Was it, uh--

[CLEARS THROAT]

Was it someone | knew?

I’m gonna put some cabbage in the jukebox.

You do that.

[SLAPS BAR]

Give me another drink, Prince Charming.

Hey, faggots.

It’s a pleasant little wedding party.

Think we could time it so they vomit during the vows?

Theodore, play the one by the Dropkick Murphys that | like.

MAN: Hey, Tommy.

WOMAN: Tommy.

Well, look who decided to show up.

| wouldn’t miss this for all the whiskey in Ireland.

We’re gonna need it to keep feedin’ these animals.

What are they still doin’ here? | tried to 86 ’em,

but they won’t leave.

Kid, come here, you. Get out.

Can you just-- Can’t you just get rid of them, Tommy?

Ah, they’ll be kissin’ and cryin’ in three minutes.

Come here. Come here.

lrish calisthenics.

They’re your goddamn family. Get ’em the hell out of here?

Candy’s in the back gettin’ her dress on.

Yeah, or tryin’ to crack the safe.

Hey, you’re supposed to be the goddamn buffer, asshole.

Hey, enough, Tommy, all right?

You're supposed to be the goddamn best man.

| got it. You should be standin’ up

for Lou? So don’t be shittin’ all over this,

no matter how stupid it is.

Aman’s entitled to make his own dumb mistakes.

You know, you really kind of suck at bein’ a buffer.

It’s my first day. My lips are sealed.

Pour me another pint, you whores.

Will you please get rid of them?

They’re runnin’ a tab.

They haven’t paid for a goddamn drink all night.

Irish accounting.

| got an idea. Watch this.

[DROPKICK MURPHY’S "WALK AWAY", PLAYING]

MAN: Come on. Christ. MAN 2: Aw, I’m sorry.

| say one thing to you, and then he’s all over me like a--

All right, assholes, listen up!

Ha, ha, ha! Hey! Shh.

Ho! You wanna stay, you gotta pay, all rignt? No more tabs.

Cash on the bar, or you walk out the door. Watch this.

| wrestled in high school, but just until | came.

[LAUGHS]

Aw, who knew?

All right, Lou, forget about them.

This is your wedding day, pal. This is a happy day.

Yeah. Where is Candy? Is that a drill | hear?

[CHUCKLING] Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Okay, if we can get the, uh, little lady out here,

we can sign everything and, uh, begin the beguine.

Yeah. Let’s begin the beguine.

What the hell was that all about?

That’s the justice of the peace and a notary public.

Turns out Candy’s got money.

She’s got Lou’s money.

No. She’s got a lot more than Lou’s money.

She’s got an uncle who made a tidy, little bundle

in the plumbing business.

Then he gets poleaxed by his prostate,

leaves about two million dollars to be whacked up

among his three daughters and favorite niece.

Candy’s take, about 250 large.

Holy shit. Mmm.

So she’s payin’ Lou back.

In blow jobs, maybe. This is a prenup they’re signin’.

They both decided to leave with what they came in with,

which in Lou’s case is a cabinet full of bobblehead dolls

and that cake.

Is this legal?

It is as long as they sign it in front of me.

It’s not just legal. It’s proof, proof that Ken loves me.

My father never did. Neither did my mother.

My uncle, he was different, like Ken.

So when he willed this money to me,

it gave me a chance to start my life over,

and the only sweet man | ever knew besides my uncle

was Ken.

That’s why | came back to him.

| thought he might still have the same feelings for me.

And | did. Heh.

After, you know, a couple days.

Heh-heh. Yes, four to be exact.

Yes. Four. Four days.

So four days, then you told him about the money?

No, she told me about the money Thursday night.

| guess she just, uh, wanted to be sure.

Yeah, it was kind of like a test.

One that Ken passed with flying colors.

[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[SIGHS]

All right.

Well, here are the rings.

[SIGHS]

| can’t do this. You take ’em.

| can’t do it.

You take ’em.

| don’t want the rings.

Take ’em. No.

Want me to call immigration?

Give me the goddamn rings.

See you over there. Stop smiling.

[CHEERING]

[LAUGHING]

All right. All right, enough. Enough.

MAN 1: Right.

Thank you, my brothers. Yeah, Lou.

MAN 2: Yeah, man.

This is too much. So this is your idea of low-key?

It’s not his fault. | beat it out of him.

Congratulations, Lou. Second time around is the charm.

Third time, actually. Shut up.

Hey, congrats, Lou. Thank you. What's with the car?

Funny. A buddy of mine’s got a Volkswagen dealership in Jersey,

he gave us a month’s free lease,

we've been luggin’ around Mike’s band’s equipment,

but we decided it'd be better if you guys

could have it for the weekend, so--

By the way, gets good gas mileage,

and the interior is huge, in case you decide to pull over

and, you know, start the honeymoon a little early!

[CROWD CHEERING] On the way to the hotel.

All right. Well, nice seein’ you all. Let’s go.

MAN 1: Get out of here!

[CHEERING] Have fun.

MAN 1: Get out of here!

MAN 2: Go make some babies.

MAN: Wow.

Guys, tell me, uh,

you know, I’m not, uh--

I’m not makin’ a mistake with this.

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Yeah. It’s gonna be great.

Oh, Christ.

All right, drive safe.

We'll be thinkin’ of you. Get out of here.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

MAN 1: Buckle up. Precious cargo.

MAN 2: Don’t forget about the blue laws.

MAN 1: Oh-ho-ho! MAN 2: Yes!

[WHISTLES]

MAN 1: So long. MAN 2: Take care.

[CHEERING]

[WHISTLES]

Ten to one, it doesn’t last a year.

A year? | don’t give ’em to the end of the block.

[ALL LAUGHING]

I'll take some of that action.

You want a piece of this, Sitting Bull?

He don’t even understand the bet.

What kind of Indian are you?

He’s a brain-dead one. Come on.

Let’s go finish up the firewater.

Ah, we sent your parents off like this.

Well, almost like this.

Back then, the red man didn’t have casinos,

so we sent ’em down to A.C.

Instead of a rent-a-car,

we scraped up a couple bucks to get em bus tickets.

But you know,

they were fall-off-their-feet in love with each other,

true soul mates.

Yeah. | tell you it was really somethin’ to see, kid.

Beautiful. Just amazing,

right, T?

Yep.

Now let’s go get shattered!

[LAUGHING] Hell, yeah.

[MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY, CHATTER]

[Pre]