Original subtitles

WOMAN [OVER RADIO]: 41st and 2nd avenue.

10-4. 62 truck responding.

We got a pregnant broad about to bust on 41st street.

[SIREN WAILING]

All right, give us some room here, people.

Look out, folks.

Hey, what do you say we flip a coin,

3 out of 5, gets to cut the cord.

Right. Oh, my god. Holy shit.

[SOBBING] My water broke

and | can feel the baby coming out.

| got it under control. Don't worry about it.

Get off the blanket.

Okay, sweetheart, you're dilated, okay?

What's going on? Holy shit. Is that the head?

Yeah, that's the head. Hey! Hey! What a pussy.

Hey! Sorry, sorry.

Yeah, push. Good.

Push, honey. Okay.

Oh...Oh, my God. Oh, God.

It's a boy.

Oh, my God.

Oh, man. Wow. Jesus. Yeah.

Wait. Look, look. What?

Oh, honey, there's a second one coming.

You're gonna have to give me a push again. What?

[GRUNTING] Come on, honey. Come on.

What, Garrity fainted? Yeah.

What a wuss. Tell me about it.

[WOMAN GROANING]

Whoa! Goddamn it.

What's wrong? They can't take the miracle of childbirth?

Apparently not. Okay, honey, one more.

[SCREAMS] Breathe.

Yeah, that's it. Good job.

Good girl. Good girl. Good girl.

It's another boy.

There you go. Look at that.

Jeez. Twins, huh, Grandpa? Yeah.

Let's hope they don't turn out like these two mooks.

Oh, I'm gonna name them after you, Daddy. | love you.

You did a great job.

Maybe you'll name the third one after me?

Look. Oh, my God. Honey,

there's another one coming. You're gonna have to push again.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

How's she doing? All right. She's doing fine.

And the first two we know are definitely yours,

but no word yet on the color of number three.

Here, I'll take this one. Don't give him a baby.

What if he passes out like the other two?

| ain't gonna pass out, Tom.

This one's for you.

I'm just happy that I'm here to support my beautiful wife

that | adore and love. | love you.

What'd you say? Wife? Did you say wife?

Yeah, we were gonna tell y'all tomorrow after dinner.

You guys--? You got married?

Yeah, we went down to City Hall

and had a private ceremony last weekend.

So it's legal?

It's official, pop.

[GASPS]

Hey, Tom. Bad dream?

Yeah.

Whew. Ooh.

[THE VON BONDIES' "C'MON, C'MON" PLAYING]

On another day C'mon, c'mon J

¢ With these ropes | tied Can we do no wrong? J

J Now we grieve ‘Cause now is gone J

Things were good When we were young f

~ With my teeth locked down | can see the blood J

J Of a thousand men Who have come and gone f

J Now we grieve ‘Cause now is gone J

Things were good When we were young f

I Is it safe to say? C'mon, c'mon J

? Was it right to leave? C'mon, c'mon J

~ Will | ever learn? C'mon, c'mon f

~ C'mon, c'mon C'mon, c'mon f

Derek. It's a little early in the morning

to be thinking about booze, isn't it?

I'm not thinking about booze, pally. I'm dreaming about it.

Yeah. Hang on a second.

| got another call. I'll call you back.

| can hold, pally.

You know what? Just hang on a sec.

Hello. Hey. What's going on?

Just talking to my sponsee for the millionth time this week.

This guy's unbelievable. | mean, I'm gonna have

to change my goddamn plan on my phone, you know?

Do they have like an unlimited number of minutes

for self-absorption and whining?

You don't have that one already?

Oh, you're so funny. You know, he keeps calling me "pally."

How about that?

Hey, listen, you, uh, talk to Teddy recently?

No. Why?

Ellie says he didn't come home last night,

and she can't get him on his cell phone.

If he calls you, tell him to call her, will you?

Yeah, hang on a second. | got another call, all right?

Hang on. Get this: It's him.

I've got him on hold, and he's still calling me back.

It's like he cloned himself so he can call me more. Jesus.

All right, I'll talk to you later, pally.

Very funny, asshole.

Hey, | thought you were gonna hold.

Yeah, but | was worried about this martini thing.

What martini thing? The dream | had.

What should | do? You know what, Derek?

| don't know what to tell you.

Either stay awake or grab onto the olive. | gotta go, okay?

Okay, pally.

You know, can you--? Oh, you son of a...

So, uh, | was told you beat the section 8.

You know, | did.

The guy, ends up that he was a friend of yours.

A lot of luck you have, huh?

You better hope your luck holds up,

‘cause the next time you step out of line--

And since it's you, it could happen at any time.

--I'm gonna make it stick at headquarters

and make sure they boot your bony ass the hell out of here.

Okay, chief, chief, chief-- Yeah, yeah.

| thought we could start, you know, like a new leaf.

Save it, asshole.

Okay, so | admit | messed up

with the whole lumberjack theme for a bar.

Let's put it this way: You're a dipshit.

Frank, | got a new idea for a theme

that | guarantee you nobody has ever thought of.

There's not another bar like it anywhere. You ready?

This should be good.

The whole entire place and everything in it

is black.

The bar, the-- The floor, the walls, the ceiling, the table,

the chairs, the glasses, everything.

And like that's not brilliant enough, right?

The name of the place--

White.

Who told you that?

Lucky guess.

You like?

Um, | don't know, Mike. You know, you name the bar White,

you run the risk of sending the wrong message

Like it's for whites only or something.

| didn't think of that.

But, | mean, you'll be hanging out there all the time, right?

So maybe you could, like, kind of hang out

in front of the window so people of color

know it's cool to come in.

You telling me my new job is to be a goddamn cigar store Indian?

Um, well, | don't think you can smoke in bars now, Frank.

But, | mean, look, I'm gonna paint the whole place

and buy all the glasses and everything.

| just need to know you're on board, dude.

What does Garrity say?

SHAWN: Love it!

Yo, man, what are you doing?

Oh, my back is killing me.

Yeah, that looks real comfortable.

Yeah. It's the only position that gives me any relief.

You don't happen to know a good back doctor, do you?

You know what? As a matter of fact, | got your back, bro.

Heh, heh, heh!

Ow! Sorry.

There's a great back doctor right next door

to Alicia's apartment building.

| could give a call and set you up today.

You want to go after shift, or what?

Sean-o?

Huh? What happened? The blood rushed to my head.

| might have fainted a little bit. Did you say something?

Would you like to see the doctor today?

Yes.

[LAUGHS]

Wow.

Why can't you just help me with Damien?

Tommy, my son needs a strong male role model,

and | can't be that, you know?

So if he drops out of college, guess what?

It's gonna be your fault, not mine.

He ain't my kid.

You deal with it

and stop relegating your responsibilities to me.

| wasn't. Il-- Ahem.

| mean, at least | don't think | w--

But even if | was, I-- Ooh.

He doesn't talk that way.

Excuse me?

Tommy. He doesn't use words like "relegating."

That's why | said he ain't my kid,

because | thought the "ain't" would balance it out.

It's not good.

You know, | was a professional actor for a while.

| did a bus-and-truck tour of Sugar Babies,

and, uh, | attended AMDA before that.

AMDA? Isn't that men who like little boys?

That's NAMBLA: North American Man-Boy Love Association.

Somebody came up with that pretty quick.

AMDA stands for American Musical and Dramatic Academy.

Oh, musicals. So they are kind of the same.

Hey, do you want to get help,

or do you want to be another goddamn critic in my life?

That's a little better.

Yeah.

Huh.

Hey, what do you think of Genevieve?

TOMMY: The French chick? No, no, the monkey.

| think she's kinda hot.

Yeah, very kinda. Yeah?

Hey, guys. Hey.

Grab my irons, will you?

You need a hand? Uh, no, I'm all right.

Good? Fine? Hey, Tommy, you know what?

| gotta tell you, I'm proud of you, man.

Yeah, I'm a good lifter.

No, | mean, about Colleen and Shawn finding out about that.

| think you handled it like a champ.

And I'm proud of you. All right, you know what?

Put the chair down.

In the two-plus decades that you've known me,

have | ever given you even an inkling of the idea

that | would be against one of my daughters dating a black guy?

No. | just like to hear you say "inkling." Say it again.

Inkling. Say it again.

Inkling. One more time.

No. Lookit, Shawn and | had our problems up front.

Yeah, we butted heads a little bit, but the kid's great.

He's disciplined, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't drink.

| got nothing bad to say about the kid.

Is he my first choice to date Colleen?

No. But you know what? Pick it up.

You know, | think you're real lucky too, about the whole,

you know, deciding not to have sex thing.

Yeah. What?

What, you didn't know that?

What? They're not having sex?

What? Why would they not be having sex?

| don't know.

Put the chair down.

[CHUCKLES]

Why are they not having sex?

| don't know. Lou.

No reason.

They're waiting.

Waiting for what?

Let's get this chair out of here.

Lou.

Until they get married. And...lift. Come on.

[GRUNTS]

Oh--

[GROANS] Hey.

Are you sure you're all right with that--?

Yeah, we're all set. We're good. Thanks.

That sneaky little black son of a bitch.

Say “inkling,” say "inkling."

Uh-uh. She's not getting married,

I'm telling you right now, okay? How did we go wrong?

| mean, we purposely raised her the wrong way,

as a lapsed Catholic. So now she should be, you know,

enjoying herself, on birth control, banging her brains out.

But, you know, she wants to reclaim her virginity

and not have sex till she gets married.

My daughter turned Amish on me. How is that possible? Okay?

She's not getting married.

She's not gonna end up like her mom, I'm telling you.

What do you mean, what? Gorgeous, 40 and angry?

She's Irish. She's gonna end up angry.

She can't get married. I'm telling you right now, okay?

Too young. Look, you keep that tact up,

they're gonna get married even sooner.

I'm gonna talk to her,

I'm gonna have a conversation with her,

and she's gonna end up having sex with him, okay?

She's gonna have lots of sex with him,

so much sex that sex is gonna turn

into what it's supposed to be:

a boring, monotonous chore, just like it is with everybody else

who's in a long-term intimate relationship,

and then he's gonna get bored. He's gonna leave and then

we're all set ‘cause the marriage is off.

Problem solved. Right.

So you're gonna have a conversation with your daughter

telling her to have sex with her boyfriend.

Yes, | am.

Could | sit in on that conversation,

‘cause it's gonna be so creepy

it's gonna reset the high end of my creep-meter

for the rest of my life.

Now, let's go.

Jesus Christ.

Look, forget what the media machine put out, okay?

| know what | saw.

| saw buildings exploding and imploding, not falling down.

When buildings fall

they don't blow out windows across the street.

And they damn sure don't collapse at free-fall soeed

while following the path of greatest resistance.

Something funny, Mike?

No, nothing. Yeah? Well,

keep stepping, because I'm talking here.

Look, I'll cut to the chase.

Fire Engine magazine,

on every coffee table in every firehouse across the country,

said the official investigation was,

and | quote-- Frankie.

Tommy. --was a half-baked farce.

And that Giuliani may have committed a federal offense

in corrupting the crime scene-- Excuse me.

Mr. Gavin, may | speak to you?

Sure, yeah.

Can we continue this another time?

Yeah, I'm around.

Ahem.

Hey.

Um, wrote some things down, you know, from the other day,

when, uh-- And | just wanted you to check it for accuracy.

| Knew you were writing stuff down. | didn't really...

| was just sort of...

Did | really, uh--? Did | call you a...

sexy piece of foreign ass?

Well, no, actually, you called me a hot foreign piece of ass,

but, um, sexy is just more poetic.

You're right.

Well, everything else is fine.

Thank you. Uh, by the way,

tomorrow night, I'm invited to a gallery.

A friend of mine is the artist.

And, um, do you want to come?

Are you--? Are you... asking me out on a date?

Well, | was thinking if | got you out of the firehouse,

um...you'd relax.

| need to relax?

You're very tense.

It's the guys | work with, really, not, uh...

I'll give it a shot.

All right. Tomorrow night.

All right. All right.

Bye. Bye.

Hey, Mikey. | heard about the all-black bar.

How's the painting going? Oh, good. I'll be done tomorrow.

| got all the glass in. You gotta come check it out.

That's what's up. I'm down. | was thinking

that we gotta have a rule, you know?

None of that conspiracy theory bullshit in the bar.

You gotta leave that shit at the door, right?

Oh, boy.

| assume that was directed at me?

Uh, pretty much.

You got a problem with me, Mike?

Yeah, | guess | do in that particular area.

Hmm. And the problem would be what?

| think it's weird and disrespectful

to all the guys we lost.

Everybody who died that day, but mostly our guys,

‘cause what you're saying is they weren't heroes,

they were dupes.

Well, maybe | get to say whatever the hell | want, Mike,

because | was there on the day. Unlike you.

It's disrespectful to the memories.

No, dumbass. What's disrespectful

is swallowing that spoon-fed Kool-Aid

that's parading as the official account

of 9-11 hook, line and sinker

like 99.9 percent of the people in this goddamn country.

| am honoring the memories of those who were lost, okay?

I'm honoring my brothers, my brothers, by asking questions,

by picking at threads, by not being some

gullible dumbass chump

who believes everything he reads in the goddamn paper.

Not another word of that shit in this house.

You don't tell me when to shut the hell up, you filthy--

Shut up, man! Shawn!

[ALL SHOUTING]

Come on, enough! What, man, what?!

Damn, think about it! You goddamn square-rooter!

Whatever, Frank. Think about it.

Yeah, yeah.

Shawn.

What? I'm not getting involved in that shit.

My back's killing me. You're fine.

Come on, take a load off. Let him cool off.

Wow. It's sort--

It's sort of like a... crowbar, hmm?

Yeah, I-- | just said that. Anyway--

Uh, why don't you show him the bunker gear?

Okay, um... bunker gear.

It's-- Well, that's the bunker gear.

And, uh, you know, we...get into it

when we get ready to jump in the rig and go to a fire,

and it protects us, um...

in the fire. What's your name, again?

Uh, Kirk. Kirk Johnson.

Kirk. And how do you guys know each other?

From cooking class. Yep.

Um, we are, uh, doing Vietnamese this week.

That's right. Oh.

Wow. What'd you do last week?

Um... Oh, | forget. Uh...

It was Thai. Remember? You totally choked on that peanut.

Yes, Thai, of course. It was delicious.

You gotta watch those peanuts.

Can | talk to you for a second?

We have to talk about certain family stuff.

I-| don't know what to say.

Okay? What?

You were taking a cooking class with this guy? Yeah, okay.

Yeah. | only talk about my cooking class

like a million times a week.

You do, really? I've never heard it before.

Uh, maybe you don't listen to me?

Okay. All right, benefit of the doubt.

You know what | think, though?

| think this is your-- What do you call that guy?

That psycho-weirdo acting teacher-slash-shrink,

whatever the hell you Call him.

You are so retarded. It is psychodramaturgy, okay?

And no, that's not him. That is my cooking class friend.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

| Know he's your Dr. Finko- weirdo-psycho whatever.

Zip. Psycho...drama...turge.

Okay? Say it with me. Psychodramaturge.

Turd.

Cooking class friend Kirk. Okay, if he's Kirk,

I'm Spock. [SHUTTER CLICKS]

He took a picture of me.

What? | didn't see that.

| was just taking a picture of the fire truck.

Oh, yeah, no, no, go ahead. Feel free.

Yeah, yeah. Take pictures of whatever you...feel like.

[LAUGHS]

Okay, you know what? Wow.

What?

| feel really sorry for you, Tommy.

You feel sorry for me?

| do. Honey,

your self-obsession is climbing and scrabbling

to such new heights

that | can't bring my cooking class friend Kirk here

to see the house, meet the boys,

without you just thinking it's all about you.

If you were taking a cooking class, it would be okay. Yeah.

Thank you so much. You have now spoiled

this whole little trip for me and Kirk.

We will be running along now.

Kirk.

Kirk!

Kirk.

You know what | think happened? | think he forgot his fake name.

Bye.

Hey. [DOOR OPENS]

Hi, Aunt Sheila.

Colleen.

Oh, you're so pretty and grown-up,

you're making me feel old.

Hey, hon. Hi, Dad.

Hi.

I'm just dropping off Shawn's iPod.

Oh, cool. Oh, Colleen,

this is, um, one of my great friends

from my cooking class that | take. Oh.

Uh, this is Colleen, Tommy's daughter.

Hi, Colleen. I'm Kirk. Hi.

Well...

Hey, would you mind if | got a picture of you over there

with that crowbar thingy? Uh, no. No.

Come on, honey. Sorry. Nice to meet you.

You see what | mean now, right?

It's gonna be a tougher case than | thought.

Honey, come here. | want to talk to you for a second.

Well, | really don't have time now.

It's okay. Come here. Okay.

So how you doing?

I'm good.

Good. Good. You look...

great. Thanks.

Is this new? It's nice.

Um, yeah. Kinda.

What did you want to talk to me about?

Um, | just wanted to say that,

uh, your mother and | are-- We're very proud of you,

and, you know, we think that Shawn's great.

He is. Yes. And you know what?

Being black thing doesn't bother us at all.

| mean, we've-- | think we've raised you kids

with that, you know, color, creed,

relig-- You know, none of that stuff is-- You know--

It doesn't matter to us. And, you know,

love is-- Is a thing that's, you know, it's a big...

Uh, you know, it-- It takes-- It takes-- It just happens.

Right. And when that happens,

| think it's kind of important to,

you know, uh...what?

What's the problem? There's no problem, honey.

There's no-- That's why-- | just want to--

Okay.

lf you were gonna buy a Car,

you would test-drive it, you know?

That's what I'm trying to say.

Oh, my God. There's more.

Listen to me.

If you're gonna test-drive a car,

you drive it around, maybe take it on the highway and you--

Hey, Coll, how you doing?

Hi. You gonna buy a car?

Is that what | heard? Good to see you.

You know, my friend Mark,

he's got this old Jetta he's thinking of getting rid of.

You know what? She's all set. She's got a car.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm all set.

45,000 miles. Runs like brand-new. New paint job.

No, we're all set. All right.

Thanks. Okay. If you change your mind...

Okay.

Could you do that later?

It's in my locker. Okay.

Listen. | just think it's important that,

you know, you make sure that the parts fit.

What parts?

You know the parts.

And don't make me say the parts--

His penis and my vagina?

Shh!

You guys aren't talking about cars, are you?

Get out of here. I'm sorry.

Okay.

Are you actually telling me to have sex with Shawn?

No.

Kinda. I'm saying that | don't think

it's such a bad idea for you to do it, okay?

You don't even have...um, the whole thing,

just-- You know, do the Clinton thing, you know?

You don't have to go all the way. Just--

Oh, my God! Honey, what?

| thought that would be easier.

I'm talking-- What? Are you telling me to--?

No, I'm not telling you anything.

Oh, my God. Dad-- It's a suggestion.

I'm suggesting some substi--

To help you with your belated--

I'm telling Mom. Okay?

Tell Mom. This is so important that Mom's gonna...

Don't-- Don't tell Mom.

Colleen, do not tell your mother that--

Give this to Shawn. Yeah, sure, sure.

Bye, honey.

Mr. Garrity? Hi.

I'm Dr. Weisser.

Yeah, hi. Hi there. Ahem.

You're having back pain.

Yes, | am. Upper or lower?

Uh...lower.

The whole lower general back of the...back of me area.

Uh, new to the office? | am, yes,

but a friend recommended you very highly.

Excellent.

| don't know how much your friend has told you.

My methods are unorthodox to some people.

Oh, I'm not Jewish. Is that okay?

But | do get results.

Lie on the table facedown, please.

Uh, okay.

Are you ready?

Uh, yeah, | think so. Ahem.

Oh, hello-- I-- Whoa--

Do you want freedom from your pain?

Um...yes, | do.

You must trust me.

Okay.

Am | in the correct position?

Yeah. | mean, that's where my--

Are you feeling pressure and warmth in the troubled area?

Uh...yeah, | am, actually.

It's not bad, really. | mean, it's warm, that's for sure.

Just relax. Okay.

Relaxing. And...

[TABLE BANGING]

That's a little-- Yeah, that's--

Ooh.... Oh, my God.

Uh, excuse me. Could you--? Listen, I, uh...

I'm feeling a little, you know, uncomfortable...

Ooh. Uh...

Ooh. ...with your methods here.

Mmm. | mean, I-- I--

Ooh! Jesus Christ!

Ohh!

[MOANING] Oh, my God.

Excuse me-- Okay, yeah--

Ohh! Ohh! I'm feeling a lot better.

| think it's-- Okay--

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Hey. Seen Franco?

Hey there.

Yo, dude, | finished painting the bar.

We're going to check it out after the shift.

You in? Where's Franco?

| think he's up in the bunk room. How's your back?

Shut up.

Hey, brother. How was the doctor?

Ha-ha! That's actually what | wanted to talk to you about.

How many times you been to see this broad?

Me? Never.

So what you're telling me is that you recommended

a medical professional that you actually know nothing about?

Is that what you're saying?

| guess. How was she?

How...?

It was great.

Yeah?

It was fantastic. Actually, you know what?

Come to think of it, you should go, bro. Seriously.

Yeah? Yeah.

| have been having a little trouble with my back.

| don't know if you heard,

| got into a little tussle with Mike yesterday.

| did hear that.

| was sitting right there at the table.

But, you know, you should get it checked out. Seriously.

I'm going to make a call and set it up for later today.

You know what? I'm running low on cabbage,

so | probably shouldn't-- Hey, hey, hey.

Don't sweat it. It's on me, man. Seriously.

It's the least | can do.

It's just a little thank you for your advice.

Just a great big thank you. I'm there for you.

You're a good guy. Okay, pal.

Genevieve. Bonjour.

[BOTH SPEAKING FRENCH]

Deadlines, you know. Annoying people.

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry to hear that.

Um, listen, | have, uh, uh, | had something that

| thought you might be interested in for your book.

Um, after 9/11, |-- | did some writing.

Oh, you write.

No, not really. But |, um, | wrote--

| wrote some-- Some poetry.

And the guys didn't really understand it,

and | took a lot of shit for it.

I'd rather not give you the stuff here.

| was thinking maybe | could drop it by at your place

at some point. Okay.

| just-- | need the address.

Oh, yeah, um-- Oh, stylo.

Ah, yes, stylo. Papier?

I'm-- I'm-- I'm fresh out of papier.

Why don't you, uh, just use my hand?

Oh.

This way | won't lose it.

Well, | hope not.

And | could just, you know, uh, drop it off whenever.

Pick a time and it'll be great.

There. Genial. Genial.

Yeah? Yes. Oui.

[ALARM SOUNDING]

[SIREN WAILING]

Fire department! Hello!

Come on, Shawn, pop that door. Let's see you do it.

Nice job, man.

Hey, Tommy. Yeah.

Did you tell Colleen to go down on me?

What?

She said you said something about Bill Clinton.

Hey. You guys all right?

Great, chief. All right.

| just--

| just find this shit very, very disturbing.

| didn't say it like that. No. Now, here's the thing.

I'm a good brother trying to keep it real,

I'm trying to give the sex some meaning,

and here you are telling her to go down on me

and service me in an oral fashion?

What? See, this is the reason

you can't tell anybody anything.

Because it gets blown out of proportion.

Now, "blown" isn't-- | didn't mean to say--

You see? You see what I'm saying?

Hey, what are we doing over here?

You drinking coffee?

Come on! Okay.

Shawn, get a can on this!

All I'm saying is | want to be strong.

| wanna stay focused. Stay focused?

Let's go and see if there's anybody in there.

I'm gonna wait and give her good loving on our wedding night.

You know what? All right. But you know what?

You wouldn't buy a car without test-driving it.

| was a kid, maybe 16, and had an argument with my father.

Marched right out of the house

and went downtown and joined the army.

Two days after that | was in Fort Dix.

Three months after that, I'm in Vietnam.

Anyway, there was, um...

There was a guy in our outfit. Big guy. Built like a house.

| said to him one day, "You seen the sergeant?"

He says, uh,

"Get lost. | don't talk to kikes."

And he turns and walks away.

The way he said that,

his eyes, the hate in his eyes was like...

like | was some disease he could catch.

About a week after that, we're out on a patrol,

when suddenly we hear this... whistling sound,

a very piercing sound.

And this mortar comes in and-- Bam!

Hits him right in there and blows him to bits.

| mean, he showered all over us, bits of hair, bits of bone.

One guy found an eye.

This hateful eye staring up from the ground.

That night after mess,

| was outside the tent and... having a smoke,

and | look up at the Vietnamese sky and | said...

quietly, but out loud,

"Thank you, God. One less asshole, right?"

Heh.

Maybe a month after that we got a letter from his family.

His parents sent us a letter. Very nice.

On the bottom it was signed,

"Dr. and Mrs. Asher Shapiro."

[CHUCKLES]

| got nothing against God.

It's religion.

Religion that makes one guy hate himself

and call another guy a kike,

and makes another guy praise God that they killed his enemy.

And this has been going on for thousands of years.

So, what's another couple of towers?

Next question.

| gotta be honest. I-- | thought it kind of sucked.

| mean, the paintings were interesting,

but it just looked like old leaves and desert sand

just blowing or something, to me. | don't know.

Well, you know, it's like a Renoir painting.

The light is what inspires you.

Yeah.

But my friend says that

she was inspired by her vagina.

Really? Yeah.

Well, | don't think "desert sands" and "vagina"

are words you want to hear in the same sentence.

Yeah, | don't-- | don't get it.

So...are you gonna make your move?

| thought you were gonna do it in the cab, but, um...

| was-- | was... thinking about it.

| have never really made--

Ahem. --a move on a French girl before.

Actually, most of my moves have been confined

to the continental United States.

| see. Okay.

There was a French-Canadian girl in high school, but...

| don't think that's necessarily the same thing.

Well, you know, if the attraction is not there--

No, no, no, no. No, no.

No, the attraction's there.

Oh. Okay.

Well, um... got some wine upstairs.

| have a slight problem with the wine,

just ‘cause | have a--

| have a mild alcohol...

uh, allergy.

Actually, mild to raging.

Oh, well...

Yeah. Uh, but | can do the upstairs thing.

Oh? Okay.

Are you...

asking me upstairs ‘cause you just want to secretly pump me

for information about your book?

Absolutely.

All right. Okay?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, good.

| think | might have a couple of chapters in me.

Oh, good, good.

Mr. Rivera? Yeah.

Uh...

Are you Dr. Weisser?

I'm one of them. My mother and | practice together.

Is this your first time in the office?

Yeah. Okay.

| see from your chart here

that you have some soreness in your lower back?

Yeah, yeah.

| got in a little tussle at the firehouse. Ahem.

I'm a-- I'm a firefighter.

You should see the other guy.

Okay. I'm gonna ask you to remove your sweatshirt

and lie on the table facedown.

Okay.

Now, before we begin,

| want to tell you that some people

have found our methods to be a little unorthodox.

Okay.

Okay. | just want to stop for one second. Ahem.

| just want to say something.

Totally honest and upfront.

I'm with somebody. I'm living with somebody.

Long story short, it's not going great.

Wanted to tell you, get it out of the way.

Oh, it's okay. | have someone as well.

You probably have a boyfriend, right?

No, no. My husband.

You're married?

Yeah, yeah.

No, but it's all right ‘cause my husband has a mistress.

Oh, my God. Yeah.

How'd you find out? Well, he told me.

You French people, you crack me up.

It's probably why you never go to war.

You're too busy banging each other, huh?

Mm. Mm. Mm-hmm.

[LAUGHING]

Can | say one other thing?

Yeah.

Go ahead.

That alcohol problem | mentioned earlier?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's actually more raging than it is mild.

| haven't had a drink in like a year.

But wait, wait, wait.

Mm, mm.

Okay.

Last thing. Last thing.

[CLEARS THROAT]

| can't believe I'm saying this.

| don't think we should sleep together tonight.

Let me explain.

| just think-- I'm really attracted to you--

l've done it the wrong way a million times,

and | just feel like maybe

we should do it the right way this time,

which is to just let it happen sort of in stages.

[INHALES]

What do you think?

You know, | wouldn't want to compromise your morality.

No. No, no, I--

Where's your coat? It's right there.

Oh, you're upset now.

No, no, not at all. No.

Listen, we could still do the kissing thing.

That's not what I'm talking about.

No, but, you know,

I'm just looking out for your morality.

You're pissed. No.

Okay. Not at all.

All right, so | should-- | can still call you.

Yes. All right.

Yes. All right.

Hey. All right.

So, guys. What do you think?

Well, it's-- It's certainly black.

It's very black.

Yeah. It's black like the inside of a...

a really black thing.

This is "tie you up in a dark cellar,

kill you with a chainsaw, cops can't find you" black.

Yeah. Hey, turn up the lights.

Well, we're having a little issue with the wiring,

but the electrician's downstairs fixing it now.

Why don't you guys take a look around?

At what?

Oh. Well, there's a flashlight under the bar, | think.

Well, where the hell's the bar?

It's over there, dude.

Over where, bro?

It's right there.

All right. I'm going in.

If | don't come back, call my mother, tell her | love her.

[CRASH] Argh! Son of a bitch!

You okay?

Yeah. Man down.

All right, listen, I'm coming in.

Stay where you are.

All right, not a problem.

Don't leave me.

Garrity? Where are you?

Shawn?

[CRASH]

SHAWN: Ow! Shit! You okay?

Damn it!

Guys?

Aah! Oh, Jesus, you all right?

That was scary.

This floor's so black, | didn't know how far | fell.

Wait, where's black Shawn?

Out there. What?

Black Shawn?

If you can hear me,

can you get some ice from behind the bar for Garrity?

[FURNITURE SCRAPING]

What the hell was that?

SHAWN: Ungh. A table, | think.

Well, watch where you're going, dude.

SHAWN: | can't. You painted everything black, dumbass.

[DISHES BREAKING, SHAWN GRUNTS]

Better go get the broom.

| hope you didn't paint that shit black. Jesus.

Hey, guys. Hey. Franco.

FRANCO: Holy shit. This place is black, Mikey.

Blacker than an asshole's asshole.

[CRASH] Aah!

Ooh. Goddamn it!

You all right?

Yeah. This is definitely not working, though, man,

if | gotta wear a cup to come into my own goddamn bar.

[ELECTRICAL HUMMING]

There we go. Heh-heh!

The ice is over here, dude, behind the bar.

Yeah. Well, the broom's in the back, dumbass.

Come on! Ah, shit!

So, yeah. What's up?

| went to that back doctor.

Oh, you did? Hey, look, I--

You know, | just thought | had to punish you a little bit.

That was not cool, Frankie. It was fantastic.

Are you talking about Dr. Weisser?

Yeah. Dr. Weisser,

like this tall, climbed up on your back,

kind of rode you like a goddamn pony?

[CRASH] Shit!

Yeah, Daddy. Yeah. When she was done on my back,

| turned around and let her ride my front,

if you know what | mean. It was hot.

You're a sick bastard.

You know that, Frank? You're sick.

[CLATTERING] Ah, shit! This bar sucks.

You know, Frank, | got this uncle out on Staten Island,

and he, uh, he owns this company.

They transport hazardous waste, and...

| was gonna work for him, and a couple days before...

9/11 happened. And, uh...

You know, | watched the news

and | saw the people posting fliers around town

looking for their loved ones,

and | just really felt like I'm sure everybody did,

that | had to do something, you know?

So...| decided to become a firefighter.

You know--? You know how a lot of kids

want to be firemen when they get older?

| wanted to be a superhero.

Even after | knew that they didn't really exist,

| still wanted to be one,

because | wanted to fight the bad guys. You know?

Frank...

What I'm trying to say is that | became a firefighter

because of what the bad guys did on 9/11,

and if you’ re telling me that there are other bad guys,

and they're our leaders, our people,

the people who are supposed to be

watching out for everybody,

it's just too scary for me.

| can't even think about that.

| mean, | understand that there's evil in this world,

but | just feel a lot better

when it comes from someplace that | don't call home.

Yeah.

You say you were gonna take a job

transporting hazardous waste?

Yeah, | was gonna be a driver.

Jesus. Never thought I'd say this,

but thank God for 9/11.

[LAUGHS]

Hey.

Hey.

What's going on?

Asleep, huh?

Yeah, | was just-- Well,

| was trying to wait up for you in case you called

to tell me where the hell you were.

Where the hell were you?

| was at the thing.

[CLEARS THROAT] What thing?

The, uh, thing | told you | was going to, you know?

| don't remember you telling me--

The thing that | told you | was going to, the art gallery thing.

You were at an art gallery thing?

| told you that | was going to this art gallery thing

like two days ago--

You're always forgetting stuff, honey.

Okay, you know what? l-- I'm exhausted.

|-- |-- It's too late to fight.

Could we fight in the morning? Where are you going?

I'm going to get, uh--

Just give me a hug good night.

Okay.

You smell like wine.

Do | smell like wine?

You were drinking.

No-- I-- Honey-- Come on.

You were totally drinking.

No. No, no, no. No. Come on.

| was at this art gallery thing.

People were drinking wine. So maybe--

| might have got some spilled on me or something.

[SNIFFS] You know?

Okay.

Remember | told you this chick

that was writing the thing about 9/11,

that's doing the book about 9/11--

She's been around the firehouse--

Why are your eyes closed?

Why are you talking with your eyes closed?

I'm not talking with my eyes closed.

This chick is writing a book about 9/11.

She's been around the firehouse talking to everybody.

| didn't want to talk about that stuff,

and she talked to everybody about 9/11

except me, and she said,

hey, will you finally come and talk to me, uh,

maybe about 9/11

at this art gallery thing outside the firehouse,

‘cause you won't feel so embarrassed, which is true,

so | went with her

and she-- | didn't talk to her about 9/11,

just-- So she was drinking.

And, you know, French people kiss you like threetimes,

and so that's what, you know...

[SNIFFS] That's what that is.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You got the total wrong idea.

The French accent thing has nothing to do with this--

No, no, no, no-- The French accent thing

is like an old fantasy of mine

which | thought was gonna be really cool--

It was really hot the first time we did it--

But after that it was like, you know, it was--

It just was weird.

But that has nothing to do with the--

The French chick that I'm talking about.

I'll get my...

I'll get my stuff.

[WOMAN SINGING IN FRENCH]