Original subtitles

MAN: Previously on Rescue Me,

Jerry was a great guy and a great fire fighter.

| got big shoes fo fill. Call me Chief Sid.

Chief Sidney, whatever. Just don't call me Chief Fineberg.

Okay, word on the street from very reliable sources,

The guy is hung like Sea Biscuit.

What is going on with you and Tommy?

It is seriously freaking me out.

What are you talking about?

You're wearing the same stupid pea coat that he wears all the time.

It's like you are turning into Tommy Gavin.

| think we owe it to each other to

put the sex on hold.

And let's see what we really have.

And to safeguard against the very real possibility

that without a breather, my dick’s gonna snap off like a twig.

| want us to be together forever.

Oh, I'll see what | can do about that.

-The chick | have been seeing, man. -Yeah.

She took my little girl, man. She took Keela.

Oh, man!

You know how | need to stay here for a couple of days

| think it might be a little longer than that.

Yeah, it's all good. Whatever you need, bro.

All right, cool, thanks.

-| want you to give me that, baby. -(Scoofs)

-You're crazy. -No, no.

| hate it when you call me crazy. Just listen to me.

I'm love this baby.

And that baby loves me.

(Gasps)

| was hoping that...

Will you marry me?

(GASPS) Are you serious?

Yes, yes, I'm serious. Will you?

Yes, | will marry you, Franko, yes.

All | want to do is fight fires.

-Play ball. -We are definitely interested.

| don't mop nothing, shower nothing, cook nothing, clean nothing.

| don't run errands, make beds.

| don't hump equipment.

So, in other words, you don't do probie work.

Right, do not call me, Probie.

You got it.

Hair is black. Doesn't miss telling you that he is

definitely Johnny's kid, right?

Whose is he then?

You tell me.

Just go to hell.

[HUMMING]

[SCOFFS]

You must be the new probie, huh?

I’m Shawn.

It’s time for some coffee there, Black Shawn.

| think you probably already know how to make coffee.

That’s, like, Probie 101 right?

Hey, man, | don’t know shit about making coffee, all right?

| don’t drink it. Jangles my nerves.

Jangles your nerves?

Yup. Really?

Let me tell you something, | don’t give a damn

whether like coffee or not. | like coffee.

That’s the important fact here, okay?

And you’re gonna be Black Shawn because we have a white Sean

and he’s got seniority over you, all right?

No, I’m not gonna be Black Shawn.

Just Shawn, all right?

Let me tell you something, you're gonna do what we tell--

SEAN: What’s up? Feet off the table.

Hey, you must be the new probie.

I’m on the basketball team with you, I’m Sean.

No, I’m Shawn.

You gotta find a new name, son.

Did you just call him "son"?

Where do you get off calling him "son"?

Hey, Shawn. What up, Lou?

Hey, asshole. I’m talking to you.

What--?

| don’t understand.

You know--

[CHUCKLING] I’m not even working today.

Hey, Lou. Ah, ah, ah.

This better be a gag.

| just asked that kid to make me coffee and he refused.

Yeah, and | don’t know if you heard him, he told me | had to--

Yeah, we had to make a little, you know, arrangement.

What kind of an arrangement?

Hey, Lou, | got the soap and the mop-- Okay.

Franco?

Yeah?

Was that just a mop | saw in your hands?

Heh. No, uh...

Yeah, it was a mop. Okay, you haven’t had a mop

in your hands since Bill Clinton was getting blowjobs

in the White House, and you haven’t been involved

in cleaning the rig since Huey Lewis had a hit single,

so, what’s going on?

Okay, look, we ran into some other houses

who had promised certain perks during the negotiation process,

so in order for us to get the kid to this house,

we had to make some promises, you know, of our own.

Such as?

He doesn’t cook, doesn’t clean, doesn’t scrub, doesn’t shine,

he doesn’t get his balls busted. What does he do?

Uh, he plays, uh, hoops is what he does.

Yeah. Yeah, and fights fires.

You gotta change your name, bro. Yeah, why?

He wants to be Shawn.

Even though his real name is Bart.

FRANCO: Right.

Well, why can’t he just be, you know, Black Shawn,

and I'll be, you know, me?

‘Cause he, uh-- He just really doesn’t want to do that.

Tough shit, it's my God-given name.

He averages 30 points at 12 times a game.

Wow, really? Thirty points?

Yeah. SEAN: Jesus.

Okay, know what? I’ll make the coffee.

I’ve had a problem with this basketball thing

since you brought it back up again.

You putting the team back together again--

This is why | didn’t tell you about this thing.

You and your hockey. | never made a problem

with anybody on the hockey team. Guys, whoa, whoa.

Not even-- SEAN: All right, hey!

Jesus.

Now, listen.

If you guys want to call me something different,

| think that-- That you should give me a cool nickname,

you know? Like, uh, like Killer.

That’s cool, right?

Yeah. Excuse me.

No? All right, well...

We'll, uh, just call you Garrity, how about that?

No, that’s so impersonal. | want something--

We should call you by your middle name.

What’s your middle name?

My middle name?

Yeah. You know, | think that, uh...

Actually, | kind of like Garrity.

Garrity’s fine, let’s stick with that.

Oh, Jesus.

Hi. Hi.

How are you? Great.

So, we’re gonna need to get that middle name from you.

It’s so funny, | don’t-- | don’t even have a middle name.

Oh, you don’t? Oh, that’s fine. Really?

Lou, jump on the computer and check the department files.

I’m on my way. You're not gonna find anything.

Okay.

It’s, um...

Lesley.

[LAUGHS] Yeah, enjoy, okay?

Lesley? Lesley, Lesley?

It’s like a dream come true.

Guys, it’s Irish.

It’s not Irish. Irish.

I’m Irish, never heard of it.

It means "warrior prince" in Irish or Gaelic or--

It’s my mother’s sister’s name and she loved her very much,

so could you just please not call me that?

Look, guys, you know, maybe it is unfair.

Maybe he’s-- He’s got a point.

Here’s the deal, here’s what we should do.

We’re all gonna get new nicknames, okay?

Except me ’cause I’m Lou,

you know, based on my official rank.

And in the event of a disagreement or a tie,

| will cast the deciding vote

on what that new nickname will be.

Is that all right with you, Tom?

Yeah. Okay. Frankie?

Yes sir. [CELL PHONE RINGS]

Lesley-- I’m sorry, Ball Sack?

Yeah.

SHEILA: That’s a nice greeting.

Where did you go to charm school?

The Russell Crowe Academy. What do you want?

Um, | was just wondering, um,

if you've, uh, given any more thought to my offer,

you know, of giving me the baby.

Which | know sounds a little weird.

Yeah, a little weird and not to mention morally insane.

I’m sorry that it sounds so cold, but, Jesus Christ,

he doesn’t even have a name yet.

I'll tell you something else: If you want to feel sorry,

feel sorry about giving me that bullshit story

about how | couldn’t get it up the night of the fire

just so you could get the insurance money.

And now you’re gonna use that insurance money to buy my--

My son, or my brother’s son, or whatever the hell he is, huh?

Why don’t you feel sorry about that?

[PHONE SMASHES]

Great, that helped.

[THE VON BONDIES’ "C’MON, C’MON" PLAYING]

On another day C’mon, c’mon f

With these ropes tied tight Can we do no wrong? J

J Now we grieve ‘Cause now it’s gone

Things were good When we were young f

~ When my teeth bite down | can see the blood J

J Of a thousand men Who have come and gone f

J Now we grieve ‘Cause now it’s gone

Things were good When we were young f

Ils it safe to stay? J ~C’mon, c’mon f

? Was it right to leave? J ~C’mon, c’mon J

< Will | ever learn? I ~C’mon, c’mon f

~ C’mon, c’mon C’mon, c’mon J

Hey, Mikey?

Listen, let’s go over the names, the nicknames | got, okay?

How about "Big G?"

Or you know what? Even better, "G-Money?"

You know, because I’m, like, so money on the basketball court.

Huh?

What do you think? Mikey?

MIKE: Just a sec.

What are you doing?

Hi, hey. What’s going on?

Nothing, just straightening s-stuff up.

Yeah?

Well, let’s--

Ay!

Why was the door locked?

| don’t know, maybe it locked by accident or something,

G-Money.

You like it? It’s okay.

Yeah? Do me a favor, start calling me G-Money

around the firehouse. See if it sticks.

I’m sick of this Lesley shit.

Okay, cool. Cool.

Okay, cool. After you.

No, go-- Go ahead.

No, I’m being gentlemanly. You go first.

Oh, my--

Weirdo.

You're weird.

All right.

Where is it?

Where’s what? You know what.

Oh, oh, yeah.

What, you mean that?

Yes.

Thank you.

LOU: Mm-hm.

Okay, where are the batteries?

Well, you might find that, uh, most of the AA batteries,

uh, in this house have mysteriously disappeared.

Oh.

Look | thought we were having a break

from the sex, okay? Getting to know each other?

It has taken me 35 years to start having sex.

Thirty-five years, okay?

Don’t make me feel dirty for having an appetite.

Most guys, you know, they would kill to be in your shoes.

Look, let’s not fight, okay?

Okay.

| don’t-- | don’t-- | don’t want to do that either, honey.

Okay, listen, listen-- [WHINING]

My cousin Mike is coming over for a couple of days.

| don’t want there to be a lot of tension in this house.

When were you gonna tell me that?

| was gonna tell you this morning,

that was, before | met your little plastic boyfriend.

That is great-- That is really-- You are...

It’s just for a couple days.

He’s putting his boat in the water for fishing season.

Will you just please try to be nice?

You want me to be nice? Yeah.

You want me to be nice?

Then you had better pray that those double A's reappear,

because otherwise you’re gonna see a new version of bitch.

Got that, big boy? Yeah.

Yeah, | got it.

[DOOR CLOSES]

TOMMY: All right, Katy, come on.

Ahem. You're gonna be late.

Hurry up.

TOMMY: Where’s her lunch?

Honey?

Yeah?

Where’s her lunch?

Oh, yeah, um, | forgot that this morning.

She can just grab something at school.

The food at school tastes like pooh.

Well, how would you know what pooh tastes like?

| use my imagination.

Okay, do me a favor.

Use your imagination for something a little bit

more constructive, like reading or writing.

Take that and that, okay?

And have a good day.

Say goodbye to your brother.

He smells like pooh.

He’s supposed to smell like pooh. He’s a baby.

All right? Yeah, yeah. Goodbye.

Bye.

You okay?

Yeah, |’m fine.

All right, I’m gonna go.

You’re all set?

Yup.

See you.

Hey, gather around, we got some new uniforms here.

ALL: All right. Nice. SEAN: Check it out,

chief sprung for them. What’s going on?

Chief got some new uniforms for the basketball team.

You know, the hockey team’s been trying to get

new uniforms for, like, five years.

We have a serious shot at winning this championship.

| never liked hockey. It reminds me of figure skating.

Looks kind of faggy.

Plus you got all that equipment,

helmets and pads and skates--

Okay, okay, all right, first of all,

"faggy" is a word that’s never been connected to hockey before,

and second of all, the reason you wear the pads and the helmet

is because, again, proving that it’s not faggy,

because you can get killed.

Basketball is an American sport.

You wanna play hockey, go to Canada.

Thank you.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Let me ask you something, pal, did you ever skate

on anything other than a charge?

I’m from Flatbush Ave. What do you think?

Easy, easy... Yeah?

Hey, hey, look it, look.

Downtown.

What?

What?

Downtown, that’s my new nickname

| just thought of it. Or Paint.

Paint, why Paint?

Like in the paint.

I’m always setting screens, grabbing rebounds.

You’ve never been near the paint, you’re a guard,

I’d rather call you Taint.

Yeah, Taint, | like it, it’s got a nice ring.

No, I’m sorry.

Hey, what about you, Stretch?

You ever get them bones out there on the court?

Yeah, | played once or twice, why?

| don’t know.

Why don’t you quit running your mouth and, uh, suit up.

[CLEARS THROAT]

MAN: That’s it, put it up, man!

Hey, | think | just saw it move under his sweatpants.

No, I-- I-- | think it’s his keys.

By his ankle?

How deep are those pockets?

TOMMY: He’s probably not wearing underwear.

You’d think he’d be that careless?

Shit, Lou, if | had an elephant trunk rather than an earthworm,

I’d be walking around in a banana hammock.

I'd have the beast on parade every day.

Franco and Shawn choose them up. Okay. Franco goes first.

Ah, it’s a no-brainer, I'll take, uh, Stretch.

Stretch?

Yeah, what, you don’t like it?

It Kind of just came out. It’s gone.

My bad. I'll take T. I'll take Lesley.

You know, if Tommy doesn’t want Stretch,

I'll take Stretch.

You're 5’8". Nay.

Uh, nine, I’m 5’9".

That’s a good nickname. Nine.

I’ll take Nine, then. Come on.

You know, I'll stick with Lesley.

Uh, I'll take Stupid.

Do | really have to be any more specific?

Lou, | don’t want-- You’re Stupid.

I’m doing a 15 and shake it up.

You know the rules, huh, Tommy?

Yeah, | know the rules.

MAN: Go, go, go!

[GRUNTS] [WHISTLE BLOWS]

What, are you trying to kill somebody?

But he ran into me, | was already here.

Come on.

Come on, man, what’s up?

[GRUNTS] [WHISTLE BLOWS]

He ran into me. Come on, you can’t do that.

He ran right into me.

SHAWN: Heads up, let’s do it, baby. Come on.

Move through, | got it, | got it.

[GRUNTS] [WHISTLE BLOWS]

What? What the hell was that?

Oh, come on. Come on, man.

You guys are a bunch of pussies. What?

Ball in, guys.

TOMMY: Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Put it up, T.

Shoot it! Put it up, T!

Take a shot, come on. Okay.

Get ready to cover this.

What was that? You didn’t even hit the glass.

There’s water here, | slipped.

If you don’t mind, let’s play some ball here.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[ALL SHOUT INDISTINCTLY]

MAN: Shoot it, T!

Yeah?

Shoot it, shoot it baby, put it up, put it up!

You know where I’m going? Watch this.

[GRUNTS]

FEINBERG: Holy shit.

[SIGHS]

Hey.

What’s cooking?

This.

[MACHINE BEEPS]

WOMAN: Hey, Franco, it’s Alicia.

Look, | just wanted to let you know

that Keela and | are back in town, so--

Of course, she’d really like to see you.

We both would.

Call me, baby.

[MACHINE CLICKS]

So what?

So what?

That’s all you have to say?

| don’t know, what do you want me to say?

Well, for starters, you can explain how she got this number.

Baby, | don’t know, maybe she called the firehouse

or something, | mean, what?

You think I’ve been talking to her this whole time?

How the hell should | know?

You’re so walled off all the time, | never know

what’s going on in your head.

Baby, there’s nobody else, all right?

| don’t want anyone but you.

Not even your own daughter?

All right, that was a cheap shot.

You know who I’m talking about.

So go see her.

What? Go see Alicia.

You say you’re absolutely sure that I’m all you want.

So go see her.

Well, maybe you could, you know, come with me or something.

Meet my daughter.

No, | can’t make it that easy for you.

But if you decide to come back,

I'll be right here waiting.

You can bring me this.

[SIGHS]

I’d rather you kept that.

Bring it back to me and | will.

[LAUGHING]

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

Oh...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

Right, right, right a condom.

Uh, no.

What the--?

What is that? TROY: Oh, that’s just, uh--

Just some articles and stuff.

[GRUNTS]

What are you--?

Oh...

Is this Tommy’s remote control?

What, are these his sunglasses?

| just wanted, you know, a little something of his.

Uh, you know, | was gonna give it back eventually,

but, uh, | just want a little piece of Tommy for myself.

Well, you wanna get back to business or--?

No.

Oh, my God, oh!

| should have known.

Cute,

affectionate,

respectful, nice,

and, oh, yeah, crazy.

I’m not crazy, it’s not like | was hiding it.

Honey, you should have hidden this.

This is crazy, this is crazy that you didn’t hide it!

| got so much of this already in my life, Troy,

l-- | don’t-- | got-- Oh.

Whoa, hold on, Sheila. Look, I-- You know,

| meant all that stuff | said about, you know,

you deserving the good things in life

and that, you know, like, you deserve to be loved well.

Hm, God, Troy, that’s--

That’s really nice.

Come on. Get out of my way,

you frigging psycho.

[HISSES]

Hey.

Hey.

What’s going on?

What’s going on?

Look,

you think it makes me happy

that as it ends up

the kid’s probably Johnny’s kid?

It is what it is.

But you don’t see me

laying around all day drinking wine,

feeding the other kid two-day-old pizza.

| mean...

[SIGHS]

...a pretty simple equation, you know?

That’s because you're never here.

You wanna get into this again?

No, | don’t. Okay.

[CRYING]

What are you doing?

Uh, | think he needs a change.

It's been a while.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

You wanna go grab a diaper for your brother?

He’s not my brother.

Okay.

He is your brother, all right?

He didn’t come from you.

[SIGHS]

Whether he came from me

or from your uncle Johnny, okay,

he still has the same mother as you, Okay, so--

No, it makes a difference. It means he’s my cousin.

H-h-he’s your cousin, your brother,

| mean, what difference does it make?

He’s definitely my cousin,

because if he was my brother, | wouldn’t hate him so much.

Hey, hey.

| didn’t hate Connor.

Of course you didn’t hate Connor,

and you have no reason to hate...

He doesn’t even have a name!

We’re still making lists. Here.

You should give him a name.

Yeah, okay. Hey, pal.

How you doing, huh?

Yeah.

How you doing? Huh?

Hey, do you see this face he’s making?

Great.

All right.

Wanna get changed?

Okay... Okay.

This is bullshit, okay?

Checking to see how much meat the new chief’s packing,

that’s a goddamn probie’s job.

Look, we don’t want to disturb Black Shawn’s nap.

We got a big game Wednesday night.

God forbid we wake up Black Shawn.

Are you ever gonna stop whining?

I’m not whining, I’m just saying.

Look, I’m ranking officer here.

We draw short straw to find out who’s on pecker patrol.

You got four straws.

Yeah? So you're not drawing?

Did you not hear me when | said I’m ranking officer here?

The chain of command exists for a reason.

Whoever draws the short straw

goes looking for Feinberg’s long straw.

Stupid, you draw first.

MIKE: Yes. LOU: Luck of the draw.

Franco. Why does he get to go?

Because he’s Franco.

All right.

Oh, yes.

Shit.

Lesley.

Oh, you mean G-Money.

Pardon?

Yeah, Lesley wants to be called G-Money.

LOU: Lesley?

Who knows what he’s talking about?

You know, you pick the long straw, G,

your life becomes a living hell.

| know.

Except my wife’s disappeared off the face of the earth

and I’m living at Mike’s mom’s house,

and you guys are calling me Lesley,

so hell would be a vacation, okay?

Oh, yes!

[CHUCKLES] [SIGHS]

Hey, you guys.

ALL: Hey, chief, how are you?

What’s going on?

The hunt begins. Good luck.

Hey. Hello, Tom.

How you doing? Ahem.

Hear you got a new kid at home.

Mazel tov.

Oh, yeah, gesundheit.

Bet you he’s a great-looking kid if he looks like his daddy, huh?

Spitting image.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh.

What’s his name?

Huh? His name?

The baby. Uh, well...

Long story. | mean, we-- We haven’t, uh--

We are, um, trying to, uh--

Now that we have a big family and all that,

we’re trying to be politically correct,

so we don’t pick a name that just kind of

pisses, you know, one person off.

What’s in a name, right? Yeah, right.

Hey, um,

I’m taking some of the guys out to Arthur’s tonight

for a burger and a beer. You want to join us?

You know, | gotta go over lists of names--

Baby name lists with the wife, but maybe I'll come over after.

Oh.

You okay?

Yeah, I’m fine, why?

Hang loose. Okay.

[URINE TRICKLING] Oh, Jesus.

Just because the closet’s locked

doesn’t mean he’s hiding anything in there.

Maybe it’s Travolta.

I’m sure it’s just his mother’s old stuff.

You try and pick the lock?

Yeah, several times, except he’s always home.

He doesn’t let me in the house by myself.

Probably ‘cause he’s afraid of you sticking a fork

in a wall socket or playing with matches or something.

Well, | don’t Know, but | gotta see what's in the closet.

We know it ain’t him, that’s for sure.

SHAWN: Here’s what you do:

You steal his house keys from his locker.

On those keys you'll most likely find the closet key, right?

What you do is take it down to the hardware store,

get a few copies made.

The next time he goes out, you leave with him.

But just wait for a little while, go back,

let yourself in, he'll never know you were there.

Mystery solved.

Huh, yeah, why didn’t | think of that?

Oh, come on, Sean, what do you want, a list?

Hey.

Hey, guys.

ALL: What’s up? Hey, T.

Not much.

Hey, uh, you dropped your mini Bible at the gym the other day.

Thanks, man. It’s not a Bible.

Like a AA thing, right?

It’s all good, man, we all gotta have something to pray to.

We all need a Bible.

Let me fill you in on a little something with the Bible.

The Bible is to the Catholic Church

like, uh, The Godfather is to the mafia.

You know?

The Catholic Church is the most corrupt organization

on the face of the planet.

| did 12 years in that penal system, you know?

All these, uh, gangsters who walk around

thinking that they run the world

at any given moment in time, like,

Gotti, Gambino, Castellano, whoever.

They, uh, all learn the same lesson,

which is, at any given moment in time,

the biggest gangster on this planet is always the pope.

Whatever, man.

Well, what are you?

Baptist? You Muslim?

That’s my business, all right?

Was just trying to give your book back.

| don’t wanna get into a religious argument.

I’m not getting into an argument with you,

but if you want to discuss, the best place is a firehouse.

There’s nothing sacred here.

Well, it is to me.

| got my beliefs and you got whatever it is you have,

which don’t sound like much.

Wh-- You know what, let me tell you something.

If you were working the morning on 9/11,

you'd feel the same way as me, okay?

| don’t care who you believe in,

whether it’s God or Allah, or Mohammad or L. Ron Hubbard.

Whoever was supposed to be in charge that morning,

who was, uh, managing the master plan,

he showed his cards. He doesn't give a shit, okay?

Oh, you’re the only one that was affected by 9/11?

No, | didn’t say--9/11 changed me too.

Oh, yeah, how did it change you?

Shut up! That’s why I’m here.

That’s the whole reason | joined up.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Oh, so you want to be a hero?

Yeah, | do. Okay.

Don’t we all?

Do you believe this kid?

Jesus Christ.

How much seniority do | have over him,

he’s talking to me like that.

| wish Jerry was here so he could see the kind of shit

you guys are trying to pull off with this basketball crap.

He’d shut the whole basketball thing down.

Probie’s get treated like probie’s for a reason, okay?

They get treated like shit so they can earn our trust

and respect, right?

Then we know we can trust them in a goddamn fire.

Assholes.

That’s why he should be mopping the floor instead of you,

shithead.

Yeah.

Kiss my bony white Irish ass.

That’s gin.

[TIRES SCREECH]

Hi, sailor.

Midlife crisis much?

Oh, shit.

| don’t need to reach midlife to have a crisis.

That kicked in around the time | lost my virginity.

Really. Yeah.

| do not know who the ding-dong was that said, that, uh,

material possessions couldn't buy you happiness,

but | know for a fact he did not own a Porsche.

Uh-huh.

New car, new apartment, new clothes.

New baby?

No. No, don’t--

| love him. | love him so much.

Yeah, yeah.

| Know | only met him that once,

but | swear to God | love that little guy

and | know that he loves me.

And the way things are going with you and Janet--

Shh.

| am his best bet at a normal and happy childhood,

and | swear to God, there would be no strings attached.

Oh, really? No, but Tommy,

| set the table for you once and you didn’t want to sit down.

All right, I’m not gonna embarrass myself again.

All that stuff, it’s in the past, I’m over it.

This is about what is best for the child.

Mm-hm, yeah, what about what’s-his-name?

Not so much.

Oh, you dumped him?

He’s a little obsessed.

With...? You.

He has a shrine of you in his bedroom.

A shrine?

Like pictures and articles and candles and, uh,

oh, yeah.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Your sunglasses and your remote control.

Oh, so that’s where that stuff went.

Ew. What?

You totally like this.

You're So gross. "| like it."

Look, this isn’t some kind of man-crush, Tommy.

This is, like, Travis Bickel "You talkin’ to me?" shit.

He’s got a total screw loose.

Oh, yeah, like he’s the only one.

I’m sorry?

If | was interested in giving that kid to anybody,

I’m not gonna give it to somebody who’s been

lying incessantly to me for God knows how long.

What did | lie to you about?

Oh, you want a list? Yeah.

Yeah? Okay. Well, let’s start off with my cock.

Okay, do you have any idea what that lie did to my wiring, huh?

Why are you assuming that it was me that lied?

Listen,

| Know that you couldn't get it up the first night with Nona.

What are you talking about?

Nona told Troy and Troy told me.

So, what does she do the second night?

She plays to your ego and tells you,

"Oh, my God, you had such a raging hard-on in the fire!"

Which, by the way, is ridiculous because you were unconscious.

Maybe | was having a dream about Heidi Klum or whoever, or--

What?

All women play mind games about sex.

So when you told me that | was the best...?

Depends on the night.

And what about that time when you told me

that | lasted the longest?

Also depends on the night.

And the whole thing about me being the biggest.

Oh, well...

That part was true.

See how easy that is?

These | need, that he can keep.

[ALARM BEEPS] Call you later.

Okay.

[CAR DOOR SLAMS] [ENGINE STARTS]

[CHUCKLING]

[GIGGLING] This is so awesome.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Gavin.

Yeah.

The other bed was giving us both scoliosis.

Scoliosis, yeah, that’s a good name for a band.

No.

Yeah, sure, heavy metal band, you know, scoliosis.

[LAUGHS]

Heavy metal, when? The 80s?

[SCREECHES]

Scoliosis!

It’s heavy metal, does it really matter what year it is?

It beats the shit out of Fake Baby Head.

People love Fake Baby Head.

Yeah, well, people loved Three Dog Night too, so...

Three Dog Night?

Yeah.

That’s a cool name for a band.

Don’t you think? Yeah.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, why don’t you go get the pillows?

Okay?

Okay, you know what? | Know he’s your boyfriend,

and that’s fine.

Can you tell him not to nuzzle your belly or, yeah,

any stuff like that when I’m here?

Okay? Just-- Jesus.

Creepy.

[SIGHS]

You look like shit.

Oh, thank you. Wanna sit down?

[MUMBLES]

[EXHALES]

So, uh...

Mom sounds weird.

[SCOFFS]

Katy too. Mm-hm.

Weirder than usual.

What’s going on over there?

Nothing. It’s, you know,

the baby, she’s not sleeping a lot,

you know, it’s fine.

We miss you, obviously.

I’ve been calling.

| Know you’ve been calling.

You call because you have to call,

but I’m just saying in general it’s, you know,

it’s a little empty around there without you.

You don’t even know me, Dad. How can you say that?

Oh, Christ.

Don’t give me that crap.

|-- | changed your diapers, okay?

Nobody knows you better than | do.

What’s my favorite color?

What’s my favorite color?

What’s this gonna prove?

What? What’s my favorite food?

| Know what your favorite food is: cheeseburgers and fries.

[SCOFFS]

What? Okay.

That’s your favorite food.

Yeah, Dad, when | was, like, 7.

| can’t win because you're gonna keep saying--

Favorite band?

Fake Baby Head.

[SCOFFS]

It’s not?

Goodbye, Dad.

Well...

Hey, thanks for the bed.

Jesus Christ.

Just like your mother.

Orange.

| know for a fact that that was your favorite color

when you were, like,

Shirt. Take a look at your shirt.

Yeah, orange.

Just do me a favor: Don’t get pregnant, okay?

Okay, Dad.

Reading minds.

Yeah.

Don’t be a stranger.

Okay, bye.

[ALARM BEEPS]

So, uh, I'll see you in a few hours?

Yeah, about that. I'll call you.

Or, uh, swing by McPhee’s after you meet with Mickey.

McPhee’s? Yeah.

That’s the place down by the bridge?

Yeah, yeah, you've been there.

All right, dude. See you, dude.

See you in a little bit. Okay.

Drive safe.

Yeah, you too.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Holy shit.

Huh!

[CHUCKLES]

Oh.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Oh, shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

Shit.

Shit!

Oh, shit.

Great.

How am | gonna explain that?

[SNIFFS]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Sh--

[GUNSHOTS]

Ow, shit!

Uh, yeah, | need to report a fire, holy shit, a big fire.

Uh, 18 Elizabeth Street.

My name. Uh...

Yeah-- Uh, no "speakee" English.

So, uh, just please hurry.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

Hey, guys. Hey, what’s up?

Hey. What’s going on?

Talk about killing the life of the party.

Hey, what's with the boo-hoos?

Well, | snuck into Mike’s mom’s house

like you guys told me to.

ALL: Yeah, what happened?

All right, all right, everybody strap on your seat belts.

We’re getting a little turbulence now, aren’t we?

| found what he was hiding.

Gay parents.

What?

Found these in the back of the closet.

Padlocked closet.

Oh, my God, this explains so much.

Goddamn, how could a poor kids’ life be any more of a disaster?

Yeah, it’s funny that you should say that

because | actually, uh--

When | was over there | also--

Um, | set his mom’s house on fire.

You did what? | set his mom’s house on fire.

What do you mean? Like a grease fire?

No, no, like a fire fire.

LOU: You mean like a fire-fire fire?

Yeah, yeah, like a raging inferno

with the flames coming out of the windows,

and | didn’t know what to do,

so | called it in and | ran. | ran away.

ALL: You ran?

That’s what any good fireman would do.

[ALL LAUGH]

When he finds out, he’s going to kill me.

It’s not funny you guys.

[ALL CACKLE]

You ran?

Matches.

What? Your new nickname: Matches.

But | used a lighter.

Zippo. That’s the new name.

Yes, Zippo.

[ALL LAUGH]

Hell of a lot better than Lesley.

Please don’t tell him.

Seriously, he'll never forgive me.

MIKE: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh!

THERESA: Oh! [BED CREAKING]

MIKE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

THERESA: Oh. Oh, sweet Jesus.

MIKE: Oh, yeah, you like that honey?

Yeah, Mother Theresa? You like that, huh?

Oh, yeah, I’m almost there.

[MIKE GROANING]

MIKE: Oh. Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

MIKE: What?

What are you doing? Don’t stop. What are you doing?

What...?

Kenny, you’re home!

Get up.

Get up!

Hey, Ken, listen,

the woman has needs, a lot of needs, coz,

| was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I’m the victim here, really. Kenny, please--

You know what, you better put some clothes on

‘cause I’m gonna kick you a new ass.

Oh, you’re gonna kick my ass?

Oh, yeah. Why don’t you try

to kick my ass?

Oh, I’m gonna kick you a new ass.

I’m gonna do it, and you know what?

You better put some Skivvies on

because we're wrestling around,

| don’t want your balls to hit me in the forehead.

| don’t want to fight you, Kenny.

You don’t? You don’t have a choice.

[YELPS] Oh!

Ken, are you all right, buddy?

You okay?

God, if | hurt you, | could never forgive myself.

Are you all right, man? Yeah, |’m okay.

Aah! Oh! THERESA: Oh!

| must have left a window open here,

‘cause | think | felt a little breeze, that’s what--

Oh!

Ah, yeah.

Tough guy, huh? Let me tell you,

I’ve been hit--

| been hit by Girl Scouts,

and it’s hurt more than that.

Now I’m gonna show you--

[GROANS]

Kenny, are you okay?

Just get out of my house.

Dude, this is a complete misunderstanding.

| understand completely.

You screwed the woman | loved.

Now, get out.

Fine, if you want to be a dick about it.

God, that was so unnecessary.

[LOUD BANGING]

Oh.

Hey.

Did | wake you?

How long you been, uh, home?

Just a couple of minutes.

The baby’s asleep and, uh,

Katy’s doing some coloring.

She’s, uh, all done with her frozen TV dinner,

which is what she had for supper.

| was just, uh, thinking of going out and spending

a little time with the guys.

Okay.

What are you doing?

|, uh-- | just had a terrible dream.

Yeah?

| was giving the baby a bath in the tub,

and he started drowning.

And when | would reach in to save him,

he would just go deeper and deeper.

And then | thought | saw someone in the water

underneath the baby.

And it was Johnny.

And he was pulling the baby down.

He was just staring up at me and he was laughing.

You know what? Um...

Have fun with the guys.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just an idea, but if you’re thinking of cleaning up,

| think a shower’s a good idea.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

J Put on your weddin’ dress J

J Put on your weddin’ dress J

| wanna see you The way | saw you then J

Get out your High-heeled shoes J

Get out your High-heeled shoes J

| wanna watch you walk in Once again J

J Get out your dress, baby J

Get out your dress And shoes I

f Look at the big, black sky I

f Look at the big, black sky I

~ That’s crawlin’ That’s crawlin’ on I

? That’s crawlin’ Thing’s crawlin’ on

~ Don’t have a showdown here I ~ Don’t have a showdown here J

~ Don't ever show the king f ~ Don't ever show the king I

Keep it a secret J

< Your wit is so slow I

~ Start below J

Cause there’s a secret, baby I’m never gonna go J

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

~ Don’t have a showdown here I ~ Don’t have a showdown here J

~ Don't ever show the king f ~ Don't ever show the king I

Keep it a secret J

< Your wit is so slow I

~ Start below J

Cause there’s a secret, baby I’m never gonna go J