Original subtitles

MAN: Previously on Rescue Me.

I'm tired of living with two retarded people.

One mentally, the other emotionally.

| mean, do you... Do you put any thought at all

into this relationship?

More than you know.

You think Tommy will have to go to jail?

| don't know. | don't think so.

You love him, don't you?

That's okay, because he's like a legend at our house, you know?

Everybody tells stories about his saves, and...

Yeah, he's a real heroic son of a bitch.

MAN: Dispatch, dispatch, 10:13, officer down.

Dispatch, officer down, we need an ambulance.

Johnny's dead.

Still think of him at times.

Every goddamned day, | think of him.

We all do.

Please, Mr. Gavin. Just let me explain.

Explain? How you kidnapped my daughter?

Let me ask you something. Does that nose ring hurt?

-No. -No? That's interesting.

Um...

(Grunts)

| told your mother | was bringing you home. Let's go.

No. | can't live with your shit anymore.

I'm legal, and I'm staying here

with somebody who loves me and who treats me with respect.

I'm getting that kid.

And if you try to steal him away from me,

I'll use any piece of dirt | can dig up on you,

or Gavin, or anyone else in your lowlife goddamn house. Anything.

I've gotta... I'm supposed to be in by 11.

| have an 11:00, um... (Clears throat)

(Muffled) What... What are you...

Wow, that's fast.

Get out of my truck.

Look, | got some cash. It's not much,

but we could grease somebody's palm.

Jerry, stop.

Time to hang it up.

-So that's it? -Yeah, pretty much.

Five days a week down at headquarters.

Put away a couple of bucks.

Maybe move down to Hilton Head

and spend the rest of my days working on my handicap.

Michael?

Your mom...

She's passed.

( Gunshot )

[RANDY NEWMAN’S "DAYTON OHIO 1903" PLAYING]

Jerry.

Come on, let’s go!

f Let’s sing a song Of long ago

J When things were green I

< And movin’ slow I

Jerry!

J And people’d stop To say hello I

f Or they’d say hi to you I

Jerry, let’s go.

~ Would you like To come over for tea J

~ With the missus and me? I

f It's a real nice way To spend a day f

f In Dayton, Ohio f

f On a lazy Sunday afternoon J

fin 1903 f

f Let’s sing a song Of long ago

J When things could grow I

f And days flowed quietly J

< The air was clean And you could see J

J And folks were nice to you J

~ Would you like to come over for tea I

~ With the missus and me? I

f It's a real nice way To spend a day f

f In Dayton, Ohio f

f On a lazy Sunday afternoon J

fin 1903 f

[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

[SIGHS]

Oh, crazy shit, man.

Yeah, Jesus.

Yo, Tommy. Did you call his son, Peter?

Yeah. He’s gonna come back from the honeymoon

and be here the day after tomorrow.

He said to go ahead with the cremation,

and just to do whatever with the ashes.

You tell him the truth, what happened?

No, | mean, what's the point?

lf the department starts sniffing around,

| don’t want him to know the details, you know?

| mean he’s gonna get the benefits, you know?

True. Doesn’t make any sense.

Jesus Christ, Jerry. Shit.

There’s no other way?

You just don’t get it, Franco.

Yeah, no. You’re damn right we don’t, Lou.

Come on. You know why?

Because you’re young and the future is your friend.

You know, and your eyes work, and your cocks work,

and the way you think you’re gonna be on the job forever.

Eating, smoking. It don’t work that way, boys.

Okay, so if | get a little older,

a little sick, | should kill myself?

Is that what I’m supposed to do?

You know what? It was Jerry’s life.

And he was unhappy, and he made a choice

and obviously it was a pretty severe choice,

but you wanna know something?

| give the guy all the respect | have

for going out on his own terms.

Yeah, well, | don’t.

He was a damn coward. Watch it, Franco.

I’m just saying how | feel, Lou.

You hear this shit? Yeah.

| think | kinda agree with him.

Well, then, screw you too.

No. He was a coward.

Watch it, Tom, okay?

He was afraid.

He was afraid of working behind that desk

down at headquarters for the next five or--

Come on, Tom! That’s your excuse for the guy?

He was afraid? Shut up, asshole!

What do you got, eight years on the job?

No, | was-- Shut up!

Christ almighty.

You know how much he hated being the chief? Huh?

Watching us run into jobs while he stood outside?

But he did it, you Know why? So he could teach assholes

like you and you what the job was about.

When he was working up in the Bronx,

when the Bronx was burning,

you ever hear about those days, huh?

They’d get 10, 12, 14 jobs a night!

Shithead.

He ran into a job one time up on 279th Street.

Pulled three kids in wheelchairs out in 15 minutes.

You know why? ’Cause the rest of his crew was busy

bringing old people out.

There was a cold storage warehouse fire one time

up there, and, uh, the chief on the job that night

shot the job down ’cause it was too hot for humans.

You know what Jerry did?

He went around the side,

went in a side door, pulled out two drunken assholes.

Ends up the two same assholes who started the goddamn fire,

and he was working then without a mask.

Running in and out of the building

with a cigar dangling out of his mouth.

You wanna talk about being brave,

and who’s a coward and who’s not a coward?

Suck my cock.

You wanna talk about--

Being brave.

Doing that work up in the Bronx,

he used up all the goddamn brave he had.

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

[THE VON BONDIES’ "C’MON, C’MON" PLAYING]

On another day C’mon, c’mon f

With these ropes tied tight Can we do no wrong? J

J Now we grieve ‘Cause now it’s gone

Things were good When we were young f

~ When my teeth bite down | can see the blood J

J Of a thousand men Who have come and gone f

J Now we grieve ‘Cause now it’s gone

Things were good When we were young f

Ils it safe to stay? J ~C’mon, c’mon f

? Was it right to leave? J ~C’mon, c’mon J

< Will | ever learn? I ~C’mon, c’mon f

~ C’mon, c’mon C’mon, c’mon J

Engine trouble?

Ow, oh! Hey.

Hey. You okay there, sweetheart?

Yeah, | just-- It won't turn over.

| think it’s the carburetor.

Uh, yeah, no, it’s not the carburetor.

Uh, I’m pretty sure it’s the carburetor.

Yeah, no, there’s no carburetor in this car. It’s fuel injected.

Give me a second. l’Il go get my code reader.

Hm, code--?

Hey, Tom. Hey.

What’s going on? You fix it?

Um, almost. Uh...

Yeah, was it the carburetor?

Carburetor. It doesn’t have a carburetor.

It’s fuel injected. Really.

Well, listen, Mr. Goodwrench, Jimmy the Jew

witnessed your little father-knows-best routine

with Colleen the other night. Yeah?

That’s gonna seriously hamper us getting a black probie.

Wh-- What am | supposed to do?

Something, otherwise you’re playing basketball,

and that’s something | don’t wanna see.

Hey. Hey. Hey.

Outta my way boys. It'll take me two seconds.

Did you guys take my code reader outta my locker?

’Cause that’s the last place | saw it.

Code reader. Yep.

Hey, let me give you a hand with that.

Um, wow, this is a lot different than mine.

Mine’s, um--

Not real?

TOMMY: No, I-| don’t wanna get in your way.

It’s your machine, so...

Wow. That’s awesome. Thanks.

TOMMY: | know how | am with my code reader.

NONA: Right, yeah.

All right, so | decided

I’m gonna give you another chance,

since you were so thoroughly pussified the other night

on our first date.

Pussified? NONA: Yeah.

He had to be in by 11.

And then, | went to kiss him and he just kept talking

through the kiss,

and I-- I’ve actually never had-- Had that happen before.

| was talking before you came in for the kiss.

You were on your way in and | was, like, mid-sentence

and that’s when you made contact.

You must have had something important to say.

l|-- We had a discussion going on--

Unless you were talking about a cure for cancer,

you're gonna lose. Yeah.

All right, fellas, promise me something,

if he misses the date that I’m about to offer him,

please bust his balls forever.

If he misses the date, it’s ball-busting bonanza.

[BEEPS] Just like | thought.

What?

You have a pinched vacuum line.

Oh, you know, I--

These are-- These are so pretty.

| thought it was pinched.

NONA: Okay. That’s nice.

All right, well, turn it over.

All right.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Ah, very nice.

NEEDLES: Very impressive. SEAN: Nice work.

He actually thought this thing had a carburetor.

Heh, carburetor, what an asshole.

What? What?

All right, so we’re on, right, for tonight?

Yeah. No excuses.

No. Right? I’m picking you up?

See you, princess.

Okay. All right.

Dressed up.

Okay.

What’s it gonna take to keep the princess thing quiet?

Hey.

Don’t-- Don’t you start. Listen to me.

Do you know what you’re doing to your mother? Huh?

Do you have any idea? Huh? Not to mention me.

And your baby sister who you’re setting a horrible example for.

Dad, stop. Stop what?

| came here to talk to you.

I’m not gonna stop. You're making it worse.

I’m making it worse? How much worse can it get? Huh?

Dad-- What?

I’m in love with him!

Ah, you're in love with him.

Do you want to talk or what?

Well, what am | supposed to do here?

Buy us something.

So you’re blackmailing me.

Hey, you know what? Stop just lecturing me

and do something practical. We need a lot of stuff.

Tony’s in a band, he doesn’t make a lot of money.

l’Il buy you a-a couple of lamps and you call me

and your mother every two or three days.

Yeah, okay, that'll cost you a couple more than lamps.

Just...gotta buy us a bed too.

[SIGHS]

l’Il buy you two lamps and a--

[SNIFFS]

And a bed and you call me and your mother

every two or three days.

Deal.

What the hell is on the back of your pants?

Well, that...was fun.

Mm, yeah.

You know, I’m more of a darts guy,

really, than a pool guy.

Probably explains the, uh, ass beating you gave me

on the pool table.

| mean, not that |, you know-- I’m-- | can--

Yeah?

Handle myself. Hey, oh.

Hm, wow. We didn’t, um--

Stop talking.

No, | ju-just wanted to say how soft your--

Stop. Jeans.

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

Mm. Mm.

Mm! Yeah. Ah.

Mmm. Mm-hm.

Um, heh.

Whew. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

This working for you?

Yeah. Mm.

BOTH: Mm.

You sure about that?

Yeah, yeah.

What?

No, it’s not.

No, it’s just gonna take

a couple more minutes, that’s all.

No, it’s not.

No--

You're sure that you, uh--

You pulled me outta that fire, right?

No.

Really?

Yeah, it was-- It was four of us.

We dragged you out and, uh, actually,

| didn’t even do anything.

Really.

Yeah, and then | yelled dibs

to give you mouth to mouth

because your lips are just so luscious,

and you’re just so hot.

Uh-huh.

You hard yet?

No, because I-! think you're lying to me.

Yeah. You were lying to me.

Yeah. | knew it. What?

Zip up, get out.

Should | call you? No!

Just-- Just go.

[SIGHS]

[BABY SCREAMING]

Hey. Hey.

How’s it going?

Just another wonderful day

joined at the hip with the screamer.

Come, come, come. Oop. Oop.

[BABY STOPS SCREAMING]

Hey.

Oh, my God, why does he do that?

| don’t know.

| was expecting you home hours ago.

Yeah, |, uh-- | stopped to talk to Colleen.

You did? Yeah.

No, | just-- | don’t know.

| thought I-I’d stop by and have a conversation,

and | ended up buying my way

back into a semi-relationship.

Yeah, | made a purchase for her and nose-ring boy,

but she did end up talking to me,

so still thinking that she’s my, uh, little girl,

which, of course, | know she’s not, but...

Oh, | know. | Know what you mean.

Um, you hungry?

| could eat.

Okay, | have some, uh, leftover lasagna.

What’s going on?

Daddy.

What'd you do?

| cut myself.

Okay, let me see.

All right, what were you doing?

| was cutting some construction paper.

With the big-girl scissors, right?

Well, yeah.

Honey, | know that you're a big girl,

but what did | say?

Even big girls sometimes use the little-girl scissors

because they’re just not as sharp, right?

Here.

All fixed.

You forgot something.

What?

Okay.

Thank you, Daddy.

All right.

Your food’s ready. Come sit.

Oh, ah.

At least | can

still kiss a boo-boo away.

Time | didn’t know that | still had,

but apparently | do.

What?

| think that it’s really sweet

that you went to see Colleen,

You made that effort.

Oh, well, you know, I--

You're a good dad.

’m--

I’m all right.

Mm-hm.

Okay, I’m just gonna--

I’m gonna say it and put it out there.

Okay, you can laugh, whatever.

But, um, for Katy’s sake, and for his sake,

maybe we should try again.

How--? How would we, um...

| don’t know. | mean, maybe we could see someone,

a therapist,

and get them to assess our relationship

and see if it makes any sense for us starting again.

Um, you know, | mean, if--

I’m willing to try it.

Okay. Let’s do it.

What?

What?

I... It’s just that...

... little exchange kinda...

got the, uh, engine running.

We have kids in the room.

Right. Right, okay.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, where am |? What’s that?

Oh, this? A bottle of vodka.

Found it sitting behind the toilet.

Well, is it empty?

No. Then leave it there.

The next time I’m on the can and | want a drink,

| don’t want to have to reach back and come up empty.

Ugh! Oh, my head.

Uh.

What’s your problem?

You came home blitzed outta your mind last night

and | had a nice dinner ready for us,

and you pass out, okay?

You think, maybe, you're drinking

a little too much, Maggie?

Am | drinking right now?

No. Then that answers that.

And don’t move my babies, Sean. There are others?

Yeah, there’s one under my side of the bed for after sex.

There’s one in the computer drawer

for when I’m on the computer.

And there’s--

There’s one right here for when I’m watching TV.

You know what?

I’m really tired of being married

to an alcoholic, okay?

You need help. You’re a drunk.

And you're an idiot,

but | don’t rake you over coals for it.

My being an idiot is not a choice.

Neither is my being a drunk. It’s genetic.

If it bothers you, talk to my father.

| want a divorce.

Things have gotta change, or | want a divorce.

| am so sick and tired of you

living in some drunken parallel universe

while I’m back here on planet Earth

trying to make this marriage work.

You want a divorce? I'll give you a divorce.

It’s the least | can do for all the trouble, Sean.

You got yourself a divorce.

No, no, no, wait.

| had a whole speech planned.

| was just getting started. I-I--

Parallel universe, blah, blah, blah,

planet Earth, | mean, it takes--

You know, it takes two to tango, Maggie.

Is that a crib sheet, Sean? Yeah.

This relationship is never gonna work. I’m done.

I'll have my cousin Eddie draw up the papers.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, | have to go vomit. Uh.

What, uh, vomiting, next on my list, by the way.

Vomiting.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Surprise! Hey.

Surprise.

What’s going on?

Got you a little baby gift.

Oh, cool.

Yeah. Um, did Eddie call you?

| didn’t check my cell phone, why?

Then | am also the bearer of good news.

Um, the insurance company is settling.

Oh, really? Wow.

Yeah, they’re gonna cut us a check.

And we are also off the hook

in terms of that whole, uh, going to jail and shit.

That’s awesome. That’s great.

| know!

Great. Well, thanks.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SIGHS]

Is it safe?

It’s not really.

Janet just ran to the store for--

She’s gonna be back in five minutes--

| just wanna look at him!

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

You remember Troy! Troy.

Oh! Sorry. Hey, how you doing?

Great. Yeah?

Cool jeans.

What?

Cool jeans. Yeah.

Great.

Be careful, please.

[TV CLICKS ON]

Oh, my God. He’s so gorgeous.

He’s the most gorgeous little thing.

Oh, look at that.

Give me that.

Are those G-Star? G-Star?

What?

The jeans. G-Star?

| don’t know, my wife gets ‘em for me.

Oh, yep. Yeah, cute, right?

He’s so cute!

Yeah, |I-l-- Really, | gotta get him back down for his nap.

Well, no, no, no, no. He just woke up.

No, but he-he-he takes two naps.

One right after the other.

It’s-- You ask any doctors

it’s a big thing now. It’s called double napping.

The first nap is like "nap-nap"

and the second one’s like a power nap.

So come-- Come on, give him to me.

Got, uh, something to drink?

No, that’s what my wife went to the store--

Oh, that’s fine. I'll have water.

Water? You want water? He wants water.

Help yourself to the water. Come on, give him...

Don’t, get off, I’m fine, I--

Hey!

Hello!

Look, Sheila dropped by.

This is, uh, Sheila’s new boyfriend, uh, Derrick.

Derrick?

Dennis, I’m sorry. Dennis. Troy.

Troy. This is Troy. Troy.

And, uh, they, uh--

They brought a gift for the baby.

This is like a-- | don’t know what it is actually.

So you two seem to be getting along famously.

| know. | have the baby magic.

Okay, here. Oh, no, no.

Let me take the baby.

Hold it, okay, let go of Aunty Sheila’s hair.

There we go. Mm.

[WAILING]

He gets a little cranky at lunch.

Um, it’s time for his nap.

No, he just had a nap.

Yeah, no, his second nap. His power nap.

Tommy told me.

No, no, | said he was hungry.

Here you go. Here’s a soda.

SHEILA: Did you guys come up with a name yet?

No, no, not yet. We’re still working on that.

How about Derrick.

What?

Derrick, great name.

That’s totally weird that you guys

haven't come up with a name.

| bet you think that’s weird.

Here, why-- Can | just--?

Let me help you.

Hi, boo-boo.

Honey, the, uh-- The, um,

insurance company settled the suit.

So that’s good news.

That’s wonderful news, yep.

G-Star? What?

The jeans on this guy. G-Star?

Uh, I-| don’t remember.

Oh.

Okay, um, you know what, let me just...

Here.

I'll take the baby. Okay, oopsie, oopsie.

You okay?

All right, okay, thank you so much for the good news

and the gifts, and it was very nice meeting you, Dennis.

Oh, it-- Oh.

Honey, did--

That’s just--

Hon.

Um, that baby hates her.

He has gas.

[RAZZES]

So, Tommy, um...

You, uh...

You’re kinda like a hero to, uh, me

and a lot of guys in my house.

Yeah?

And, uh, you did, uh,

a bucket leap rescue a few years back.

I’ve done quite a few of them, yeah.

Yeah, well this one in particular

we saved the clipping from.

It’s on our board

in the kitchen and everything. Yeah.

Yeah, | was just wondering

if maybe you could do me a favor and sign it for us?

Sure.

Thanks.

Yeah, he loves you. He talks about you--

That’s not-- We don’t need to--

Okay, let’s just...

What do you want it to say?

Um, "To Troy."

Yeah?

Um, "and everybody at Oyster Cove,

your buddy, Tommy."

All right. What are you doing? Hey, hey.

| just want to feel the material.

It’s jeans! Okay, you know what?

We better go because | actually forgot

to put quarters in the meter,

so we're gonna...

Yeah, okay, whatever.

SHEILA: Okay, come on. Yeah, yeah.

Thanks. That’s great.

LOU: Mikey, what the hell’s the matter with you?

Mikey, you okay?

Mikey?

I’m a grown man and | don--

| don’t even know how to use a dryer.

She did everything for me, you know, guys?

And | never even thanked her.

| mean, | thanked her, you know, like | said,

"Thanks, Mom," but they were just words.

| didn’t really mean it, you know?

| just said it so she’d do it again,

like make my bed, or cook me breakfast,

or pick up my clothes.

Lou, you make one gay joke and | swear...

Mike, I’m not gonna make a gay joke.

What then?

It’s all right.

[SNORTS]

| can’t believe you, uh--

[CLEARS THROAT]

--didn’t make one gay joke

during that whole little monologue.

Oh, Jesus, Tom.

[SIGHS]

Kid just lost his mother, you know?

Can we not give him a little bit of time?

All right.

So...

First thing tomorrow morning?

Yeah. We attack at dawn. Oh, okay.

[ALARM BUZZING]

How many gay jokes do you think you have?

Oh, | got, like, a dozen...

Oof.

Hey, you guys know that they cremated, uh,

Jerry’s body today.

MIKE: Where should we put him, guys?

| don’t know. Some place appropriate.

LOU: | say we put him in the can.

SEAN: What about the gambling money?

Not that can, asshole. The shitter.

| say stall number one.

| think that was always his personal favorite.

Except it’s my favorite too, and what if | want

to take a shit in there?

| may not want the chief staring at me

making my ass tighten up.

LOU: Well, then, young Mr. Garrity,

| would suggest you load up on bran.

SEAN: Bran? FRANCO: Yeah, maybe prune juice.

SEAN: That make you shit?

LOU: Prune juice makes you shit.

Tommy, where you taking us?

There it is, guys. Down there, see it?

Around the corner.

LOU: All right, ladder six and two,

we got some, uh, medium smoke up here on two.

MAN 1 [OVER RADIO]: Should | send somebody in?

Yeah. It’s seeping out, boys.

Here she is.

MAN 2: You got this, Franco?

FRANCO: Yeah. MAN 2: Got that, bitch?

LOU: Yeah, we’re gonna need a line up here.

Run a line up on two. Change tankers.

You got it, Franco?

FRANCO: Yeah, | got it.

You all right?

LOU: Where are we now?

SEAN: Frankie, you got it?

FRANCO: I’m good!

MIKE: You know where you’re going?

Yeah, yeah.

MAN 1: Where are you?

Where are we now?

SEAN: It’s straight.

LOU: I’m feeling a piece of cheese

is about to fall on my head.

Yeah, yeah. Get the door.

| don’t think that’s right.

MAN 2: Get your masks on, boys.

Party’s on.

Ah, shit! Ah, goddamn knee.

You all right?

Yeah, goddamn it! Ugh.

LOU: All right, boys, are we all right?

TOMMY: Yeah, hang on, hang on.

[MIKE MUMBLING INTO MASK]

LOU: Are we good to go?

TOMMY: One second!

MAN 2: Let’s go. Let’s get the hell outta here.

MAN 1: Goddamn it, somebody copy!

LOU: Ladder 62 to battalion. We need some lines up here.

Run some lines! Right away.

MAN 1: I'll get a line into you.

Where are you?

LOU: To the left. To the left.

MAN 2: Yeah, yeah.

[MEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

MAN 1: Guys, where are you?

[MEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

MAN 2: Where the hell are we?

FRANCO: Come on, guys, I’m running outta air!

LOU: You are?

FRANCO: Two minutes left in this tank.

We gotta get the hell outta here.

[MEN GRUNTING]

Check down that hall.

MAN 1: What do you got, Tom?

LOU: Tommy, find me something,

‘cause we ain’t got shit down here!

FRANCO: I’m running low! How’s it going?

LOU: Franco’s got low air.

MAN 1: You all right? You all right?

LOU: He lost his tank.

Son of a bitch. He lost his tank.

SEAN: Goddamn it, come on, get it off.

You all right?

TOMMY: Yeah. SEAN: Can you breathe?

Goddamn, | screwed up my knee, oh, shit.

LOU: You all right to walk?

TOMMY: We gotta get outta here.

FRANCO: | got no air.

LOU: | got it.

TOMMY: Shit!

MAN 1: Talk to me, Tommy.

TOMMY: Yeah.

LOU: Let’s go. Back the way we came.

Okay, all right, good?

Yeah. Yeah.

TOMMY: Uh. Down here.

MAN 1: Guys, where are you?

MAN 2: This-- This looks familiar.

LOU: Yeah, yeah, that’s it!

TOMMY: Okay. LOU: Thank God.

Uh, goddamn it, | lost a glove.

LOU: Where the hell are we?

MAN 2: | don’t know.

TOMMY: Oh, man!

LOU: We’re officially lost right now.

SEAN: Shit!

FRANCO: We were here before.

SEAN: Where the hell are we?

Where’s Mikey?

SEAN: What? TOMMY: What?

Where’s Mikey?!

TOMMY: | thought he was with you guys.

ALL [SHOUTING]: Mikey!

TOMMY: Okay. All right, all right.

LOU: Silletti! Where are you?

TOMMY: Calm down. Calm down. Check around there.

See if that’s a way out.

Hey. See if that’s a way out. No?

LOU: Nothing. Nothing!

SEAN: You got him on the walkie?

MAN 1: Somebody copy.

TOMMY: Christ. It’s worse down here, guys.

LOU: This place is like a maze.

TOMMY: | think it’s out this way, so everybody get low.

Get low! Oh, shit.

MAN 1: Should | send somebody in?

[MAN COUGHING]

SEAN: Tom, Tom, it’s not right.

LOU: Hold on, hold on, hold on!

MAN 2: Listen, listen!

[BANGING]

LOU: Here, let’s go! Get over there.

MAN 1: Answer me, goddamn it!

LOU: All right, we got one!

Get away from the door!

Get away from the door!

LOU: Tell her to get away from the door!

[FRANCO SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

LOU: Oh, shit. TOMMY: Ah, Christ.

LOU: Jesus.

FRANCO: | don’t know. Looks like her water broke.

[WOMAN YELLING]

LOU: Franco, what is she saying?

FRANCO: She’s dropping for real,

this baby’s coming right now.

MAN 1: We got two minutes

before this room is engulfed in flames.

LOU: Two minutes? We can’t move her!

SEAN: We gotta get her outta here.

LOU: What's going on? You're not squeamish?

SEAN: No, | don’t think so.

Oh, God...

LOU: Oh, great. Oh, that’s perfect.

We’ve lost Sean.

TOMMY: Goddamn dependable--

LOU: Tommy, you get down there and take care of this.

TOMMY: All right, go ahead, take a look.

No, go ahead, go ahead. You do it, you got kids.

What do you--? | didn’t deliver my kids.

| don’t know nothing about birthing babies.

Come on. You do it. I'll be right here.

I'll assist. I'll assist. That’s great.

I’m here for the assist.

[WOMAN MOANING]

Oh, God. | got my light.

Okay, push, push, push, push, push.

You got it? Oh, Jesus.

It’s gonna be fine, ma’am! It’s gonna be fine.

[BABY CRYING]

TOMMY: All right, all right, here’s the baby.

LOU: All right, hold this-- Hold this up.

Hold still.

Ah! Uh, all right now, the cord is cut,

you're gonna be fine.

MIKE: Let’s go, guys! | got a search line!

LOU: Probie! Yes! Let’s go, guys!

You got the baby. Okay. You got her.

TOMMY: Yeah.

LOU: Come on, come on, let’s get outta here!

MIKE: You okay?

LOU: Yeah, we're fine. The baby’s fine.

They’re naming it after you, okay?

SEAN: They’re naming the baby Sean?

LOU: They’re naming it Dickhead. Let’s go.

So thank you for squeezing us in.

| know that you're probably busy.

No worries. So, what can | help you with?

Well, uh,

we’re not, um, really married.

You know, we sort of--

We’re sort of split up.

TOMMY: Uh, yeah, a couple times, but--

Um, but we-- We've never really made the divorce final, um,

so we’re sort of at a crossroads.

Yeah. Crossroads.

And we're thinking of maybe making another attempt

to save the marriage.

Great. Yeah.

So why don’t you give me a little recent family history

so | know what we're dealing with.

Um, high school sweethearts.

That's true. Yeah. Um, dated, had sex,

got pregnant, got married. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Blah, blah, blah.

Um, the early years were good.

Yeah, pretty good.

| thought they were great.

Well--

Then we kinda drifted apart.

He was always emotionally absent

because of his job. I’m a firefighter,

so you have to keep all emotions

and all that crap at bay, you know?

So he would work all day and come home,

but he wouldn't talk about work,

and, uh, | felt closed off,

and | didn’t feel like having sex.

Yeah. This went on for a while.

Yeah, seven and a half years.

Shit, really?

Yeah. Can | say shit?

Uh, that’s fine.

Yeah, shit. Wow.

So, um, we split up. Yeah.

And, uh, then he rented

the place across the street from us

so he could be near the kids

and, um, to keep an eye on me to watch who | was dating.

You should’ve seen that group of guys.

Couple of winners there. Like that guy Roger.

Okay, yeah, who swore that you tried

to burn his face off on your stove.

l-- | can’t even-- | don’t even cook.

Okay, so | don’t know what he’s talking about.

She takes the kids, the furniture, the money,

everything, goes to Ohio.

It was not a good moment, but | came back.

| tracked her down. Yes, and | came back.

Yeah, you came back.

Then he decided to start dating

the widow of his cousin who died in 9/11.

Okay.

Yeah, and then she got pregnant.

Okay, | didn’t decide, it just happened. Okay?

Okay, what are we, grade six?

Sh-She either had a miscarriage or she had an abortion.

| don’t know which. She’s a little...

But she got pregnant

because she was sleeping with my brother.

But I’m sure that’s my baby

because we were having an affair

while she was having the affair

with my now dead brother.

And then, um, our son was killed by a drunk driver.

Yeah, and who my uncle, um, then shot.

You might have read about that.

That was in the papers and stuff.

And...the "rape."

Right, but we don’t--

We don't have time to go into that right now.

Um... Um...

So we’ve been through a lot.

But, you know, we feel like

there’s still some passion left.

Passion. So.

Yeah, so, what do you think?

One second.

Yeah, Dick, Don Weiss.

You got me! Almost!

[LAUGHING]

God, | almost fell for it, you rotten bastard.

But then it just went way over the top.

| mean, it just got a little too crazy

with the dead son, and the killing

of the drunk driver, and the--

Really?

Don’t mess with me, Dick.

Really.

Il call you later.

|, uh-- You know, | don’t...

Really have the kind of time that you’re gonna need.

Hey, how’s it going on the Jimmy the Jew front?

You know, it doesn’t make sense.

The guy is a shit stain. There should be stories galore.

What do you got so far?

He put an addition onto his kitchen

without the proper permits.

He’s got a half a dozen unpaid parking tickets,

he’s got a DUI from about 10 years ago.

The rumor is he strangled his neighbor’s dog

for crapping on his lawn.

Without the kitchen thing, that could be me.

Or me. You got nothing, Lou.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I’m going over and I’m gonna confront him.

Either | find something good by then,

or I’m just gonna start making shit up.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

How’s it going, kid?

Eh, not so good.

Well, well, well. Franco, look.

| should let you know right now,

I'll continue working

and I’m keeping my maiden name.

This is a honey, man. This must've set you back, huh?

When did you get that? Last night after work.

Sold my goddamn Jeep to get it.

And yet somehow it didn’t find its way onto a finger.

Yeah, | just-- | don’t know, Ken, you know?

I’m really conflicted. | mean...

Closer | get to getting toasted on this job,

the more | end up thinking about Natalie

and how much | love her more than any other girl before,

and it’s all romantic and everything,

but on the other hand, it’s marriage.

I’m shitting my pants.

Which tends to ruin the romance part you mentioned earlier.

| mean, what do | know about marriage?

Hey, look, you know, what does anybody know?

But you know what, you wanna take the plunge,

you do a little quick and easy research.

You go to someone who’s happily married,

get his take on it.

Go to someone who’s not happily married,

let him weigh in.

Yeah, what about you, Lou? You were married, right?

Yep, to a dirty, filthy, little, blood-sucking whore.

| promise you, you're gonna wanna

jump out of a goddamn window.

You know, you’re gonna wake up one morning...

| don’t wanna compare Natalie to Maggie

‘cause Maggie’s insane, but Natalie, you never know...

Hey. Hey. Oh. Hey.

What are you guys talking about?

We were just-- We were just talking about marriage.

You're talking to him about marriage?

This is the guy who’s married to my lunatic sister.

She wants a divorce.

You were warned, okay.

Take a hike. Go. Wha-- We’re talking.

Take a walk. Jesus Christ.

What, you looking for...

I’m just looking for a positive take

on marriage, Tommy, but I’m outta luck.

Well, no, actually, you’re not.

I’m the perfect guy for you right now.

| know, | Know, | know. | mean...

All these years I’ve been talking about Janet

and how crazy she is, and how illogical,

and nonsensical,

and how she never ever’s

gonna be satisfied with anything.

Yeah. Yeah.

It turns out | was right.

Really? Yeah.

But it’s not just her.

It’s pretty much all women. That’s what I-- Yeah.

But the problem is | was approaching it the wrong way.

Yeah. | was thinking about, you know, me and, uh, sex--

And by the way, the sex thing is the key. It’s--

Sex really has nothing to do with marriage.

It’s tits, ass, Sex...

Just throw that out the window.

The key stuff is listening.

You gotta be able to listen

an-an-and have long conversations that you remember.

Um... Hugging.

Hugging? Yeah, hugging is a big one.

Um, buying furniture

and, uh, what’s the other one?

Spooning. Yeah.

Okay, now, let me get this straight.

You, okay, Tommy Gavin,

one of the all-time

hall of fame type pussy hounds

in the history of the F.D.N.Y. in my opinion...

You are telling me that | should

forget about ass, forget about tits,

forget about sex, and focus on, uh,

caring, and sharing, and listening,

and hugging, and uh...

Put spooning.

Right. Uh-- | mean, this is, uh...

This is what’s making your marriage work?

Yep.

That and the fact that my dick apparently

doesn’t work with any other women.

[SIGHS]

Really sucks.

But, you know, if | were you,

I’d pull the trigger as fast as | can, pal.

Get yourself hitched.

What do you want?

| wanna talk about a couple things. Can | come in?

No, what do you want?

Rummaging through your Hitler memorabilia?

Not funny.

Hey, is that Mike Merritt’s car over there?

Yeah, his brother lives across the street.

Why, what? Small world.

| think he’s about to get a ticket.

Hey, I’m serious.

Hey, you going home, bro?

Uh, yeah, a little bit.

Listen, uh, you mind if | stay with you

for a couple days?

Why?

Well, you know, you-you’ve been feeling kinda bad,

and, you know, you’re all alone in that big house.

| thought it might be kinda scary for you.

Maybe I’d come and hang out with you, you know?

Lift your spirits a little.

That’s really cool, Sean.

| forgot, like, what a good friend you can be.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Plus | might be getting a divorce.

You name me one firefighter in town

who doesn’t have at least a half dozen

parking tickets outstanding in any one given time.

Oh, and how about this addition you put onto your kitchen

without getting one single permit.

You're telling me all the construction jobs

you do with your crew on the side,

you get all the proper permits for that.

Oh, goddamn it, Jimmy! | want that probie!

You guys have a solid basketball team.

You've won five outta the last eight

division championships. Six.

[SCOFFS]

Well, then share the wealth a little bit.

Where’s your sense of sportsmanship?

| never heard of it. Get out.

Well...

Can’t blame a guy for trying.

[WOMAN SNEEZES]

Bless you. Thanks.

All right, look, one-- One last final offer, okay?

Your roof could use some serious repairs.

You hand me over the probie,

I’ll come over here with my crew,

brand-new roof, it’s not gonna cost you one penny.

How’s that? [WOMAN SNEEZES]

Bless you.

Bless you.

Thank you.

LOU: And how are we today, Mrs. Merritt?

Fine.

Just a little chilly.

Yeah, yeah, | can imagine.

Um, look, I’m gonna go back, uh, to the firehouse.

| gotta find a locker for my new probie.

Bye now...

Mrs. Merritt!

MRS. MERRITT: Bye!

Hey.

Hey.

Oh, are those for me?

Yep.

What’s, um-- Hey, what’s going on?

Well, um, and this is for you.

Wow.

Mm-hm.

Where, um... Where’s Katy?

Uh, Katy’s at a pajama party.

Oh.

And, uh, | gave him

a Jameson-Benadryl combo.

One teaspoon of each and he went down.

Jesus Christ.

Mm-hm.

A little Jamedryl. Wow.

[GROANS]

Um, okay.

Uh, Jesus Christ.

[MOANING SOFTLY]

[WHISPERS] Yeah.

Mmm.

Ahh.

Ahh.

Here, let’s...

Okay.

Here.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[BOTH MOANING AND GRUNTING]

What’s wrong?

Uh...

Nothing.

[MOANING]

There’s, uh...

Not a heck of a lot going on down there.

No, wait.

Shit.

Oh, my God.

This is it. This is the end of the line.

Wh-Wh-What?

Yeah, no, ’ve heard about this.

What are you talking about? Honey--

Tommy, you have never ever not gotten it up for me.

Honey, just--

| just need to--

What?

Tommy, | get wet, you get hard,

you get hard, | get wet.

That’s the deal. | know.

It’s been the deal for 20-some years.

It may as well have been our marriage vows.

| know. | know.

So, uh, | just came home.

| just, you know. What?

My cousin Suzy.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Yes, yes, she woke up one morning

and her husband just didn’t have it for her anymore.

Honey, she gained 75 pounds in 6 months.

She wasn’t even pregnant, okay?

That’s not the point.

What's the point?

The point is...

It's done.

That thing, that chemistry.

We don’t have that thing anymore.

You don’t have that thing for me anymore.

My thing is just having a--

You have never not gotten hard for me.

It’s just-- It’s not you.

It’s just--

No, it’s--

Some-- | don’t know.

Mental thing.

It happened the other night.

I’m sure it’s just a--

Excuse me?

What?

What? The other night?

The other night, you--

You fell asleep, he was still up.

| put him to bed. I’m sitting here by myself.

I’m horny. You’re asleep so I’m watching, um,

Cinemax, and, uh,

that movie with, um, um, what’s her name?

She looks like Michelle Pfeiffer and Peter Gallagher--

You know what, | cannot believe

that you are trying to have sex with someone else

when we're going through this.

[BABY WAILING]

Honey, she basically attacked me.

Shit.

Okay, hang on, pal.

It was that chick who saved me in the fire.

l-- She’s a brute. | think she’s on steroids.

Honey...

[SIGHS]

Can you pass me out the Benadryl?

It's over. You know it.

[BABY CONTINUES WAILING]

Honey.

All right, pal, come here.

Okay, | got you, | got you.

Yep, yep, | know, | Know.

Come here, come here, come here.

Shh. Shh.

Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh.

All right?

[BABY STOPS WAILING]

[BABY WAILING]

Okay, okay, shh.

All right, shh. | got you. | got you.

[Pre]