Original subtitles

But | knew that it the right thing to

| made my decision.

I'm gonna leave the FDNY.

(Laughs)

We've been married nine months.

What are you talking about breathing life into the relationship?

Everyone need breath. Everyone needs a spark, Sean.

And the spark is by watching some chick get double-teamed

by guys with cocks the size of telephone poles?

He-- He's a he?

-Who? -Tony.

Yeah, he's my boyfriend.

I'm pretty sure that she's banging this guy.

| know. She's on the pill.

You put her on the pill?

-| got a girl. -Really?

She's on a wheelchair.

But she's got the sweetest ass.

Coming through the probey class right now, is a black kid,

Afro-American, as Kramer might say.

Who is so Godammned good as an outside shooter,

people calling him the next Jackie Ryan.

-What? -You know, how come you're never asking me about my day?

Listen, you better get me the hell out of here.

My wife, she's driving me nuts.

Mark my words,

once I'm sprung she'll lose all interest in me. That's heR MO.

How you doing, kid?

-I'm engaged. -You're kidding.

Nope.

Who's the lucky girl?

It's Steven, my boyfriend.

-| didn't put my papers in. -Hmm?

Things change. You think they'd stay the same but they change.

|... You think | wanted this?

Huh? Is that what you think?

Shit!

Oh, Tommy, Tommy, wake up!

Well, the word on the street is you're going to jail.

| don't know what street that is,

but that's the wrong street ‘cause I'm not going to jail.

Well, that's not what | hear.

| got a friend down at HQ.

He says they're this close to getting rid of you.

I'm telling you, | think | would remember...

You don't remember starting the fire.

How the hell can we expect you to remember signing policies?

| didn't start the fire, okay? Listen to me.

(Exhales)

We've got $2 million on the line,

and you are totally screwing this up.

Look, | Knew you wouldn't sign the policies yourself.

But | knew that it was the right thing to do.

Thank God | did it, considering the circumstances.

You’re stuck with a newborn child and two other kids, Tommy.

Listen, we get this money,

you are never gonna have to worry

about anything else ever again, all right?

Uh, Colleen’s college tuition, Katy’s college,

a-- A trust fund

for the baby.

Janet can get her own house.

The insurance payoff is gonna be, like,

close to $2 million.

And, um, we can cut that right down the middle.

| got an offer on the land where the house was.

Four hundred grand.

| don’t want your money.

You're not gonna do anybody any good sitting in prison.

You big dum-dum.

What--? What are you doing?

You had a little, like, baby stink on you.

And anyway, it’s Curious by Britney Spears. It’s fancy.

Yeah, well, the mystery’s over. She’s a whore, okay?

| wanna know what really happened

that night, okay?

All of it.

You know the truth, Tommy.

You’re an uncontrollable alcoholic

with a heavy case of survivor’s guilt.

A couple of big swigs, your guilt goes right out the window.

Bing, bang, zoom, you're whipping off my panties

and whipping out your dick.

| saw something about it on Oprah.

The whole grieving process.

That’s how men deal with death.

They wanna have a lot of sex.

They think it kills off all the emotions inside.

Oprah said that?

She did.

What, did you buy all new stuff for this place?

Yeah, | did. | went to this place on 5th Avenue.

| mean, you can't fill a Manhattan apartment

with all the same stuff you had in Bay Ridge.

So what, did you spend the rest of the widow money?

| needed a place to live.

| needed a change.

Damian's at NYU, | wanted to be close to him.

Besides which, we pull this off,

this apartment is just the tip of the iceberg.

What are you doing?

| want the truth.

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

That bowl cost me five grand.

Really? Yeah.

Mm-hm. How about this?

Listen, | told you the truth already.

Ooh!

You can destroy this whole goddamn apartment.

It’s not gonna make a shit lick of a difference. Oh.

Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no!

Give me that! Give me that! Ah.

No, no! Give me that! Give me that!

Nope. Okay! Okay!

Give it to me! | want the whole truth.

I-- Okay!

[PANTING]

Ooh.

Ooh.

You were sober--

You were sober when you first came over, do you remember that?

| remember breaking the news to you,

| remember you...

getting pissed off,

and | remember watching the Meerkats.

You were more interested in the Meerkats

than you were my feelings. That is such a bunch of bull--

Anyhoo.

We watched the Meerkats for, | don’t know, like,

45 minutes. | wasn’t really paying attention.

And then that’s when | realized...

that apparently

this entire time...

you were making drink after drink for yourself.

You weren't making drinks.

You were just pouring these glasses of vodka for yourself.

| thought that you were drinking water.

And then the next thing | know...

you were all over me,

and it was getting really hot.

And then--

What?

You couldn’t get it up.

| tried everything.

| did. And then the more | tried,

the madder you got.

And then you flipped out,

and then you picked up this, like, vase or something--

| don’t know --and it hit this gas lantern

antique-y thing that | bought.

And so | ran upstairs to go get the fire extinguisher,

and then | heard this h--

This huge explosion.

And you came running up the stairs to get me.

And then | saw you--

| saw you fall backwards down the stairs.

So...

you're telling me...

you tried everything?

Even the tongue thing

that you sometimes do?

| tried it.

Twice.

| gotta go. No. Wait.

No, I-- Wait, where are you going?

| gotta-- | gotta talk to Eddie.

My hearing’s in, like, an hour.

Il call you when we decide which story we’re gonna use.

Christ.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[THE VON BONDIES’ "C’MON, C’MON" PLAYING]

On another day C’mon, c’mon f

With these ropes tied tight Can we do no wrong? J

J Now we grieve ‘Cause now it’s gone

Things were good When we were young f

~ When my teeth bite down | can see the blood J

J Of a thousand men Who have come and gone f

J Now we grieve ‘Cause now it’s gone

Things were good When we were young f

Ils it safe to stay? J ~C’mon, c’mon f

? Was it right to leave? J ~C’mon, c’mon J

< Will | ever learn? I ~C’mon, c’mon f

~ C’mon, c’mon C’mon, c’mon J

[CHUCKLING]

It’s not that funny.

No, no, it’s not just funny, man,

it is brilliant. Shh. What, huh? Brilliant how?

‘Cause | am telling you. This is--

This is manna from heaven.

Well, I-- | know it’s good but-- No, no, no. Listen, listen.

Every time you’ve been in there, you’ve fed them

this convoluted couple of tales of--

Of alcohol and passing out,

and it’s all pretty suspicious. Mm-hm.

Right, but this? Goddamn, this is perfect.

You know? First, it tells how the fire started.

Right? Right.

It was purely accidental. Yep.

Second, it shows you doing your dead-level best to save her,

which goes to character. Right.

And third, it gives a plausible reason

why you didn’t confess to the truth in the first place.

The fact that you couldn’t get it up.

Shh! Your limp, lifeless, little dick

might actually save your ass.

[CHUCKLES] Works fine now.

Five more minutes, Jerry. It’s looking good.

Hey, Ma.

How you feeling?

You look good.

Oh, look who’s here again.

Oh, hey, Marlene.

Oh, and look at the balloons and the flowers.

You're a lucky woman, Mrs. Silletti,

to have such a sweet boy to take care of you.

| have to shift her now.

She’s got significant skin breakdown.

You can wait outside.

No, I'll stay.

It’s quite painful, Michael.

I’m not sure you wanna be here.

No, I-I’m not leaving her.

Michael-- I'll stay.

Okay.

Here we go, Mrs. Silletti.

[GROANING] Okay.

FRANCO: Which one is he?

Number 11. Doo rag.

[MEN CHATTERING]

Ooh, shit. Yes.

Kid’s a second-comer.

Yeah, he’s the black Jackie Ryan. Heh.

Why can’t he just be a kickass baller instead of being, like,

the black version of some old white guy?

LOU: ‘Cause I’m a lieutenant. | get to say what | want.

Could’ve said he’s the chocolate Ryan, but didn’t.

Jesus, even basketball makes you think of chocolate.

Basketball makes me think of pumpkin,

which makes me think of pie, makes me think of whipped cream.

This probie makes me think of chocolate.

MAN: Yeah. Oh!

Man, he does have all the skills though.

He does. And everyone out here just licking their lips for him.

Look, Murph the Surf, 75 truck.

Jimmy the Jew from 66.

Hey, | thought Jimmy was famous for, like,

hating Jewish guys. Oh, got you.

LOU: We’re gonna have to make him a serious offer.

Yeah, like what?

| don’t know. You know, no-- No grunt work.

No sweeping the floors. No-- No cleaning up the shitter.

FRANCO: Nah, nah, Tommy ain’t gonna go for that.

Well, you know what? If we want a winning hoops team again,

we’re gonna have to pay the price.

They’re gonna offer this kid the world.

Shit, the last time Murph pulled a hot shooter

from probie school, the kid didn’t see his first fire for,

like, 6 months.

Okay, laugh. Put your arm around me like | said something funny.

What? Come on, he’s coming here.

| wanna promote racial harmony in the house. Come on.

Promise me | don’t clean the kitchen

after dinner next shift. Blow me.

All right. No kitchen deal, no racial harmony.

Here he comes. Okay, okay, okay.

Fat-ass Irish donkey. You sneaky little spic.

[LAUGHS]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello? RICH: Franco. It’s me.

High-five me. Oh, hey. What’s going on, man?

| need you to come get me. Go low.

Uh, Richie, I’m-- I’m a little bit busy right now.

And | also need...

$2000. Four.

Wh-what? Make a wing.

Where are you?

[WAILING]

Uh. What, is it impossible for you

to put your own lunch in your own knapsack?

You know, when | was your age--

You didn’t have backpacks or buses or electricity.

Very funny, smarty-pants.

Did you wake up your sister?

She’s already gone.

Oh. Okay, good.

So go. Go. Go, go, go.

Mom? Mm-hm?

Does the new baby hate you?

No, no, of course not. It’s just--

He’s colicky, which means-- He pukes a lot.

| know.

Can we name him Pukeface?

No. Okay. Go, go, go.

Go.

Bye, Mom. Bye, Pukeface.

Hey. Flying colors, huh?

Well, the doctors have to check all the bells and whistles.

You know. EKG.

And blood work.

Someone from headquarters will give you a call.

Ah, that’s great.

Look, | never felt better in my life.

| just had to buy a new suit for my son’s wedding.

Old one’s too big.

Good for you. Congratulations on both fronts.

Mm-hm. So do you like his fiancée?

Yeah. She’s a real doll.

Good.

And as | was showing a customer these rings, your-- Son?

Brother. Uh, in-law.

Possibly, in the-- In the future.

He grabbed one and stuck it in his mouth.

Nigger. Okay. That’s it.

Look, | don’t care if he is retarded.

If he says that again, we're gonna have a problem.

Sir, | understand, all right?

He’s got like a Tourette’s thing going on,

and he’s a little, you know, slow.

Richie, just please apologize.

No. Rich.

| want that ring, Franco. Buy me that ring!

That ring costs more than | make in a goddamn month, Rich.

Hey, hey, hey, yo. I’m sorry.

We can’t afford to buy anything in here, all right?

Now, Rich, please.

Say you’re sorry.

I’m very, very sorry | tried to eat the ring.

And, uh, I’m sorry that we've wasted your time today.

Okay? Come on, Rich.

Sorry.

Whoa.

That is dope.

Uh, sir, I’m sorry.

Just, uh, on a lark, what would something like--

Like that ring there. What would that go for?

That would be 37...hundred.

Hundred.

My girlfriend would love that one too.

Yeah, well, you know, quite frankly, Rich,

we could buy your girlfriend a beveled glass doorknob,

it'd keep her mollified for a month.

You know where to get one of those?

Yeah. Come on.

[PHONE RINGS]

Dr. Lowry? Oh, Mike. Good morning.

Good morning. She seems, uh, worse today.

She’s-- She’s coughing a lot.

Mike, we got the most recent blood work back

and the biopsy.

Yeah?

It’s not good.

She’s got two more major malignant polyps,

and the lower intestine is being eaten away very quickly.

We can’t remove any more of it.

We could operate again,

but we’d have to operate several more times

over the next few weeks.

Or we could try another round of aggressive radiation therapy,

which would significantly

weaken her immune system.

I’m afraid that’s her best chance.

So she’s gonna be fine then?

Okay, Michael. Uh--

| want you to listen to me very carefully.

It’s not good.

The chances of your mother’s recovery

are very, very,

very slim.

You mean like-- Like-- Like--

Like slim, like when the Red Sox were down to the Yanks

three games to zero, and they suddenly--

Slim to none.

Okay? Slim to none.

Closer to none.

Much closer.

Wow.

Talk about dropping the bomb.

| mean, that’s my mom we’re talking about.

Not some goddamn baseball team.

I-| Know my mom. She--

She’s like-- She’s like the Babe Ruth of moms.

If anyone can beat cancer, she can.

What?

Mike, Babe Ruth, he, uh--

He actually died from cancer.

Oh. Yeah.

Okay. Look, uh, I’m really sorry, Michael.

I'll talk to you later, okay?

WOMAN [OVER PA]: Satellite Pharmacy, call extension 4222.

Satellite Pharmacy, extension 4222.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hey.

Hey.

[DOGS BARKING]

How’s the coffee?

Coffee’s good.

Was that your, um...?

That was, uh-- That was my porno, yeah.

Wow. | just started thinking about it

from your point of view, Sean,

and | thought about it, and | realized

that | was wrong and you were right.

| was emasculating you in order to get myself off.

| was injecting my former fantasies

into a present-day relationship.

Totally unfair, totally unnecessary,

because | have you.

You are so sweet and gorgeous, and you’re here and now,

so...I’m all done with porno.

I’m all yours, Sean.

Wow, that’s-- Thank you so much, Maggie, really.

That’s just a really nice gesture on your part, really.

So, good. Okay.

Okay. ’Cause | was getting sick of always hiding that box.

Yeah, | was getting sick of looking for it.

MAGGIE: Yeah, and always having to dust off those DVDs.

You can’t imagine how dusty they get.

[LAUGHS] Yeah.

Yeah, so | guess it’s back

to the old spank bank for now. [SPITS]

Hey, honey, did you get my tampons?

Honey, Jesus. Did you just say--

Maggie. Did you just say spank bank?

Well, yeah.

Wow, so you-- You-- You actually have a--

A spank bank. Yeah. Yeah. A huge one.

Oh, | Know. | know.

You think only men have spank banks.

But don’t forget that | grew up around Tommy:

the king of the spank bank.

| learned from the master how to store up

all my eager little fantasies,

and then access them in my mind’s eye

whenever | feel the need to get off.

Huh. | haven’t done that in a while though.

Speaking of which, don’t you have somewhere you have to be?

Well, I-- No, I-l-- Not at all, really.

What? What? You don’t have a spank bank?

Yeah, of course | have a spank bank.

I’m a guy, but-- So am | in it?

Yeah. Yeah, of course.

You’re-- You're in it in a variety of ways.

What about me? Am I--? Am | in yours?

Well, I’m gonna be putting you in this afternoon.

Maggie-- | just said | haven’t been

using the goddamn thing!

Sean, Sean, Sean. Sweetie.

[CLEARS THROAT]

|, uh...

| feel, uh,

like I’m better prepared to, uh...

illuminate you about...

what went on that night.

MAN: And why would that be, Mr. Gavin?

Well, um...

uh, you know, I’ve put-- [CLEARS THROAT]

Put some thought into it.

And | think, um, um--

Uh, you know, I’m more capable of,

um, presenting the facts.

Perfect. We are eager to listen.

Um.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Does she have to be in here?

Yes, she does.

She’s the recording secretary.

Please. Continue, Mr. Gavin.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Hey, Tommy, how'd it go in there?

It went fine, all right? It went fine.

Hey. Don’t worry about the chick, huh?

All right? Who’s she gonna tell?

Fifteen, 20 people tops.

Look, the important thing is that Sheila is backing us up.

We’re ready for you.

EDDIE: After we get past this thing,

the next fire you have to put out

is the one down at headquarters.

| called there 10 times already. Nobody’s calling me back.

F.D.N.Y., man. It ain’t like it used to be.

It’s all bean counters and brownnosers now.

Guys like me? Dying breed.

Oh, yeah. With the drinking and the drugging, the mistresses,

and the lying and the cheating, yeah.

World ain’t what it used to be, huh, Tom?

Hey, we gotta go. Teddy’s jury just came in.

Is that good or bad? Look, if | had to bet right now

on your case or Teddy’s, I’d have to call it even.

Why is that? Because they both hinge

on the same thing. Which is?

Dead dicks.

[LAUGHING]

So no slide show then, right? SON: Dad.

Come on. | mean, you were such a cute kid.

Remember when you had that lead in the Elvis musical?

Bye Bye Birdie. Dad--

Yeah. And how about the junior prom? Th-- The beach?

Remember that time you had a really bad sunburn?

Dad. No slide show.

It’s a wedding reception. Not a birthday party.

Just a quick, little speech.

Hey! Okay, | got it.

Who told you to move this shit?

Hey. Hey, Jer. How are you?

I’m doing okay.

| just came back from my stress test.

Passed with flying colors. That’s great.

Yeah, that’s great. You believe these marmalukes?

What are you standing around for?

Well, wait, Needles-- Hold on, guys.

l-| told them to do that. It’s been just sitting there

for about five years. Nobody’s touched it.

Uh, just taking up space, so | figured

I’d put the lockers back where they used to be,

and then | wanna take a couple--

| touch it. Huh?

Yeah. Me and Chief Pechere, we got a best of seven going.

We play between shifts. I’m up 3-0.

Oh. Oh, good, then I'll have ’em throw it down in the basement.

This way you guys-- It’s better up here.

That way if we get a call we just jump in the Suburban.

You're shitting me, right?

You want me to rearrange my rearrangement

because of you two Julio Fangulios?

Oh, okay. Hey, guys. Guys.

What? Give us a minute, huh?

Thank you.

All right, look, Jer. This is your house. | know that.

But me and chief Pechere, you gotta give us a break here.

What?

We’re covering for you and got no problem doing it.

Happy to help, Jerry, but you come waltzing in here,

these guys don’t know which way to look.

It’s hard enough to keep them in line, but we’re doing our best.

You can’t keep whacking us off at the knees like this.

Oh, is that what I’m doing?

I’m just saying, Jer-- I’m just saying to you, Needles,

you should shut your mouth...

and tell Chief Peckerhead to do the same thing.

You wanna go and play chief,

go play in some other goddamn house.

This is my house. | make the rules, all right?

These are my guys.

| Keep these mugs in line, and that’s including you

and the other guy.

Now, I’m gonna go upstairs to my office and get it ready

for when | come back to full duty in a couple of weeks.

You wanna make yourself useful?

Go get me a cup of coffee, make it black.

Get that piece of shit out of here

and put the lockers back where | told you.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Yeah, uh, this is she.

Her absence?

When? Today?

No, no, th-- That’s not possible.

No, | mean, | didn’t see her leave for school this morning,

| have a new baby here. But every other day this week

she’s left at her regular time.

Three days?

Okay. Thank you.

[SIREN BLARING OUTSIDE]

A victory celebration this morning at the courthouse

in lower Manhattan, as 54-year-old

Theodore Gavin is being released.

Gavin’s closely-watched murder trial ended moments ago

when the jury handed down a not-guilty verdict,

a result influenced in no small part

by the very vocal support

Gavin received from the Mothers Against Drunk Driving.

Mr. Gavin, how do you feel? | feel great!

| wanna thank the girls from Mothers Against Drunk Driving.

They do nice work. And the first thing I’m gonna do today

is raise a glass in their honor.

Not while I’m driving, of course.

Mr. Gavin, now that you're a free man,

what are you looking forward to most?

I’m looking forward to a lot of things.

A nice big breakfast, a trip up to Aqueduct,

and finally being able to sleep on my stomach again.

See ya! [CROWD CLAMORING]

So how’s your thing going, Tommy?

Ah, waiting to hear, you know?

And | hope you don’t have to go to jail. [PHONE RINGS]

Me too. What are you saying that for?

Hello? I’m just trying to be nice.

JANET: Hey, it’s me. What’s up?

Hey, Colleen hasn’t been to school in at least three days.

What? Yeah, that’s not the worst part.

| think she may have run away. Why?

Why? Oh, let’s see,

your affair with her aunt,

your possible jail sentence, your drinking.

Yeah, how ’bout your affair with my brother,

then having an affair with me while having

an affair with him? How ’bout that?

Sorry, it’s my wife.

You know?

| don’t mean why, psychologically,

emotionally why. | mean, why-do- you-think-she-ran-away why.

Because she emptied out her bra and panty drawer. And no girl

does that unless she’s leaving for a long, long time.

Hey. If a girl takes off and she takes

her bras and panties, what does that mean?

It means she’s going to the Laundromat.

Really?

Yeah, and she’s never coming back.

Where are you?

In a car with Teddy and Ellie. He just got off.

Oh, um, tell her | said hello.

Janet says hello.

And congratulate Teddy. | will.

And call the police about your missing daughter.

Okay, first of all, you can’t file a missing person’s report

for, like, the first 48 hours. No, 24.

What? Twenty-four hours.

You can file a report in 24 hours.

How old is she? Eighteen.

She have a boyfriend? Yeah.

Is he in a band? Yeah.

She'll be home in two months. Two months? Jesus!

Okay. Calm down. How do you know?

Well, | ran away with the lead guitarist when | was 18,

and then two months later, | found him in bed with a groupie.

What'd you do?

| joined in. What do you mean, what did | do?

| threw his guitar out the window,

and then | called my mother.

Is her boyfriend the lead singer?

Uh, yeah. Yes.

Well, then that’s totally different.

That’s different. It is?

Yeah, she'll be back in two weeks.

Two weeks? Take it easy.

Honey, stop crying. It is not me, Tommy.

That’s the baby. Give him some Benadryl.

You know what, honey? Hang on a second.

You got a pen? What's this guy’s name?

Oh, uh, it’s something Italian. Uh, uh, Verucci.

Verucci. Okay. Where does he live?

| don’t know. Great.

W-what’s the name of the band?

Christ, uh...something...

Uh, Fake Baby Head. Why?

Never mind why. Okay? Here you go.

Jameson’s. What?

My mother, when we were babies,

she used to put a little drop of Jameson’s in our bottles.

Worked like a charm.

Not in this family.

I'll call you back.

Know where the secret ingredient in Jameson comes from?

Where? The Gavin DNA.

Hey. You see a liquor store, pull over.

See?

That’s-- That is a bad idea, Tommy.

There’s one. Tom, it’s a bad idea.

Pull over, Eddie. Pull over.

All right, I'll see you guys later.

This is a bad idea. Yeah, it’s a bad idea.

I’m doing it.

lll see you later. Tommy.

Tom? TEDDY: Hey, Tom, he’s right.

It’s a bad idea. But since you're going in anyway,

could you get me a bottle of Cristal?

Right. Screw. l’Il see you later.

Those little shooters. Screw.

Shut up! Hey, I’ve been away for a year!

[DOOR BELL DINGS]

Sir.

Hey, um, give me a bottle of,

uh, Johnnie Walker Blue.

Okay.

[PHONE RINGING]

Yeah? WOMAN: Yeah?

Uh, that’s a nice greeting.

Who’s this? It’s Nona, you asshole.

Hey, Nona. Uh, what’s up?

All right, so are we on for Thursday night?

Oh, shit. You know what, Nona? I--

Tommy, you owe me.

| know. You know, I’m not really dating right now.

Oh, please. Yeah, right. | bought a goddamn dress.

Okay, | understand. But, y-- Uh, you know...

it just doesn’t make any sense, Nona.

| got-- | got my-- You know, | got a baby. | got my wife.

Oh, please, not with the wife again.

Okay, you know what?

My daughter’s missing.

What? Yeah. My daughter ran away.

Oh, my God. Yeah. Okay.

| cannot believe you would stoop to this level of bullshit.

lam not bullshitting, okay?

She ran away with her stupid rock-star boyfriend.

O-okay. Okay, fine. Sorry.

Yeah. You-- You should be, all right?

So everything takes a back seat until-- Until | find her.

Yeah. Right.

Okay. | gotta go.

Jesus.

How much?

Two twenty nine, ninety eight.

Jesus Christ, it’s whiskey, right?

Forty-year-old whiskey, sir.

What, are you charging me 8 bucks a year?

There you go.

Michael.

How you feeling?

| want you to do something for me.

Anything, Ma.

Kill me.

I’m-- I’m sorry, Mom.

The machines and so much stuff,

| couldn’t quite catch what you said.

Kill me.

Tonight if you can.

But...Ma--

| don’t want a long, slow,

ugly death...

stuck in here with these vultures

looming above me,

waiting for me to waste away,

sucking all the money | have left into their medical vacuum.

| just wanna leave with dignity.

Promise me you won't let me

waste away like this.

Promise me.

| love you, Mom.

| don’t know if | can-- You have to.

| don’t wanna die a penniless vegetable.

Put my out of my misery, please.

Okay.

I'll do it.

Good.

Mommy loves you, baby.

Now go find something to kill me with.

Honey, | gotta get something out in the open.

| Know how you are.

You're into guys that are cooped up,

and once they get sprung, you lose interest.

That’s how it’s been, right?

Well, but-- Yeah-- Let me finish, darling.

The way | feel about you.

I'll cut right to the chase.

You wanna let me go, do it now.

Don’t drag it out.

I’d rather get my heart broken now.

Oh, Theodore.

You're right.

| used to be that way.

But I’ve changed.

Your love has transformed me.

| will never leave you.

Never.

Oh.

That’s fantastic.

| gotta go to the can.

Hm.

[GRUNTS]

[YELLS]

Here you go.

Hey, where do the, uh, probie wannabes

come out after their, uh-- Thank you.

MAN: Kenny Shea. Ah. Hey. Jimmy the Jew.

Not funny. Very funny.

You waiting on that black point guard, get in line.

Who says I’m waiting on him? Common goddamn sense.

He’s mine. Oh. You know...

here’s a heads up.

A guy named Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves.

And then LBJ, he re-freed them.

This was decades ago.

One more thing. There’s, um...

There’s millions and millions of Jews

roaming the world, untethered.

Including right here in the Big Apple.

Hell, you might as well Call it the Big Bagel now.

I’m getting that kid, all right?

And if you try to steal him away from me,

I'll use any piece of dirt | can dig up on you,

or Gavin, or anyone else in your lowlife goddamn house.

Anything.

Yeah, well...

good luck with that. Yeah.

Johnny always got me one of these on my birthday.

He knew | loved the stuff.

It was during the six months or so it'd take me

to polish it off, and every time I’d look at the label,

I’d see his name and I'd think of him.

| still think of him, Tommy.

Every goddamn day, | think of him.

We all do. But, you know,

y-y-you can’t go... banging around

every day with that kind of guilt, you know?

| mean, my job... | get five,

six shoulda-woulda-coulda situations a year, you know?

A-and...| mean,

9-11 alone, that morning,

| got a--

| got a million shoulda woulda couldas

just from that morning alone, you know?

| know, man, but...

he was my partner, you know?

Anyway...

How’s-- How’s-- How’s the baby? Spitting image?

He looks, uh, a lot like his mother, actually.

So, um...

you remember when, at Johnny’s funeral,

you said, you know, any time | needed anything,

you know, | could call you?

Yeah, anything. Look...

| feel like--

| feel like | owe your family so much, man.

Right.

Anyways.

Do you remember, uh...

Colleen? My-- My oldest? [CLEARS THROAT]

She, uh, ran away with her scumbag boyfriend.

She’s 18 now? Yeah.

Her mother just, you know, completely yessed her to death.

From the time-- She spoiled her when she was small.

Yes this, yes that, anything you want, sweetheart,

yes, yes, yes, blah, blah, blah.

Now of course, you know, she’s 18 years old

and-- And she pulls the ultimate test on her mother,

she runs away from home.

Actually, in a lot of these cases, Tommy...

both parents are at fault, bro.

Yeah.

B-- You gonna help me or what?

We usually wait at least 24 hours.

Plus she’s legal, bro.

| understand. You gonna...

cut me some slack or what?

G-- give me the boyfriend’s name.

This is his name...

and that’s the band name.

He’s in a band. | don’t have an address or anything,

but, uh, Colleen told her mother that his band plays

in all those joints down on the Lower East Side, so...

Least | can do, bro. Yeah.

| would hope so. [CLEARS THROAT]

Huh?

| said Johnny-- Johnny’d be proud.

I’m always here, man.

Are you worried?

Huh? | said, are you worried?

Um. Yeah, I’m worried.

Well, how can you fall asleep then?

Ah.

[SIGHS] Because somewhere between...

me sleeping with her aunt,

and you sleeping...

with her uncle, | thought maybe we’d come to

a little bit of a Mexican standoff.

Ow! Goddamn it.

You slept with Sheila first.

[SIGHS] Okay, okay.

Yeah, when we were separated.

Who had sex first, huh?

What, that we can prove?

[KEY TURNS IN LOCK]

That might be her. Okay.

You stay here. I’Il-- I'll go.

[DOOR CLOSES]

It was just the neighbors.

You want a water? No.

[SIGHS]

Hey.

Colleen.

[GASPS, BANGING]

JANET: Tommy? Yeah.

You all right? [BABY WAILING]

Yeah, I’m fine. Yeah. Tommy, the baby.

Yeah, okay. | got it. | got it.

Any word on Mike’s mom yet? No, nothing.

He’s basically just gonna move in with her.

Sit in her room and wait.

Hey, you got, uh-- Huh? Wh--? Why you touching me?

Uh, you had some schmutz on you. I’m sorry. It’s the baby.

Hey guys. Uh, can | ask you something?

Oh, here we go.

What? What do you mean, "Here we go"?

Whenever you Say, "Can | ask you something?"

we’re either gonna end up in some ridiculous, dead-end

incredibly moronic conversation,

or you’re gonna say something so stupid

that we’re gonna spend the night unable to sleep

because we keep thinking back about what you said

and laughing our tired asses off.

Not like it’s gonna stop you. Wow.

My grandmother’s lemon chicken, by the way.

So eat slow, you dumb Irish micks.

Proceed, Sean.

Thank you.

Okay, you know how, uh...

[CLEARS THROAT]

porn has come out, like, on DVD,

so it’s, like, really cheap and available,

and you can go on to the Internet, and it’s, like,

right there, kind of pop-uppable, right in your face?

Well, here’s my question:

Do you guys...?

You know, do you still use...

the old spank bank?

Finally. A perfect fit for some fine dinner conversation.

Congratulations, Garrity.

You’re welcome.

ll play.

My wife’s a snoop.

| don’t use a computer.

| hate my wife and | have a lot of romantic regrets,

so my spank bank’s open every goddamn day.

Who do you got, T?

Ellen DeGeneres.

What? You guys seen her dance?

Okay, you know what? It’s official now.

You definitely need some sleep.

Nils?

This chicken. Jesus, Lou.

Yeah, well, my grandmother would be very proud, thank you. Frank?

Um, yeah, you know, | usually keep a rotating stable

of, like, a dozen or so women in my bank.

Um, famous chicks, chicks I’ve saved in fires,

chicks | meet at my actual bank.

That’s my bank spank bank.

But ever since | met Natalie, you know,

she’s the only one in there. | might be in love.

Love in the spank bank? Is that allowed?

Well, in Franco’s case, we'll make an exception.

[LAUGHS] [CLEARS THROAT]

Who do you got, Lou?

Well, you’re assuming | get to jerk off,

which...in my case,

seeing as how |’m dating a sex-crazed ex-nun,

it’s not the case.

No. | make a move for my joint,

Nine times out of 10, she’s already saddled up

and ready for the ride. When you were jerking off?

An eclectic mix. Jessica Lange. Jessica Biel.

Jesus, she’s old enough to be your daughter.

Yeah, bingo. Sally Field.

Now or Gidget?

No, Flying Nun,

which might explain my current situation.

How about you, hot stuff?

Well, at this stage of the game,

my wife’s got a bigger bank.

I’m eating.

Let me think, though. Scarlett Johansson.

Oh, yeah. SEAN: For sure.

Jennifer Aniston.

Jennifer Garner.

Uh, Barbara Hirsch. Who?

She was this chick | went to high school with.

Uh, Britney Klein, another chick | went to high school with.

Karen Posnowski. Ooh. She was on the swim team.

Uh, Janet. Uh, let’s see, this chick | met, um...

Janet who?

What?

Janet who?

Janet,

uh...Janakowski.

She was, uh, on the debate team.

She was so hot.

She was really-- She could really debate.

Okay, who else? Uh... Shit.

Give me the knives.

SEAN: What’s happening?

Give me your knife. What’s happening?

| don’t understand.

Anyway, where was |?

Uh-- Oh, the chick that we--

Remember the-- You were talking about my wife.

No, God. | was not-- Your wife? Yes, you were.

You're jerking off to my wife.

Oh, my God, | don’t know where you got--

Yes, you did. Yes. No, | did not. | would never--

You just said it. You said--

| did not. | did not. Yes, you did. Yes, you did.

| did? Yes, yes.

Okay, | did, but let me explain.

It was the picnic a few years ago.

Remember she showed up with the white blouse,

and it was kind of see-through.

Then we had a water-balloon fight. Come on!

Eh. The water-balloon fight?

Come on, you guys remember the water balloon fight, right?

Come on, guys. Help me out.

Oh, my God. Come on!

Ho-ho-ho.

Tommy, listen--

You're jerking off to my wife?

| never jerk off to Janet-- Ah-ah.

Don’t use her name in the same sentence.

Let me explain. It’s innocent. Explain.

In my mind... In your mind...

...she just kind of wanders in--

She wanders in where?

She wanders into my mind,

and she comes in wearing the same white blouse,

and it’s see-through and wet and clingy,

and she tries to seduce me. Yeah? She does what?

She tries to-- To seduce me.

Yeah? Okay? She tries to un--

Unblouse herself...

Un-- Unblouse herself?

...from the clingy wet blouse. Clingy?

But here’s the thing. Don’t-- | don’t do it.

l run. | run away. | run into the arms of Janet...

Janet-fer Aniston.

[EXHALES]

You bel-- This is--

He’s married to my sister,

and he’s jerking off to my wife.

No, I’m not-- | mean, I-- I-- I-- Yeah,

it’s just matter of time before my 18-year-old daughter...

[COUGHS]

Excuse me.

TOMMY: Come here!

[ALARM BUZZES]

Never fails.

Never fails.

[SIRENS WAIL]

[CELL PHONE RINGS] Yeah?

SHEILA [OVER PHONE]: The deposition went well.

They said that we should know something

in the next couple days.

Who was the guy?

What guy?

The guy.

[LAUGHS] | Know, I’m just kidding.

What do you mean, you don’t remember him?

No. That’s my volley.

That’s my lifesaver.

He’s the one that pulled me out.

You're dating the guy who saved your life?

Yeah.

He’s cute, he’s sweet, he’s strong.

He’s 12, okay?

Such a cliché.

You know what? | gotta tell you something.

You know what? I-I gotta go.

[MAN TALKING OVER TWO-WAY RADIO]

NONA: Hello? Hey, Nona, what’s going on?

You ready for our, uh, big date?

Oh, Tommy.

Yeah, | thought you had a, um...

No. You-- You gonna back out on me?

No. So | thought you, uh, had to find your daughter.

Yeah, yeah, we found her.

Oh. Well, that’s great.

Yeah. Uh, so Thursday, right?

Yes. It’s a date.

All right, I’ll-- I'll call you tomorrow.

Okay.

All right. [CELL PHONE RINGS]

Luis, what’s up?

| got her.

You found her?

Yeah. Ninth between, uh, C and D.

Okay, I’m on my way.

This guy’s been picked up before, Tommy.

Drug possession.

Drunk and disorderly multiple times.

Yeah. What a surprise.

| got no reason to shake him down right now, so...

hurry up.

Okay, I’m-- I’m coming now. l’ll be there in five minutes.

Guys. They found Colleen. Let’s go.

Hey! Where you going?

LOU: They found Colleen.

[TIRES SQUEAL] [HORN BLOWS]

Faster, Nils.

Hey, Tom, we’re not even legally on a call, all right?

You got insurance investigators

breathing down your neck,

headquarters crawling up your ass.

You really want more shit on the plate right now?

It’s my goddamn daughter, Lou.

[ROCK SONG PLAYING]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[ROCK SONG PLAYING]

f Hey, hey My baby I

J Left me No place to go... f

[MAN SINGING INDISTINCTLY]