Original subtitles

MAN: Previously on Rescue Me...

Holy shit! Nobody knocks anymore.

Get out of here, you perv!

I... I'm sorry, | thought this was my office.

Oh, okay, you must be the new...

Yeah, we just got married.

Made my decision.

I'm gonna leave the FDNY.

(Laughs)

What are you doing here?

-You're in the hospital. -What?

You had a heart attack but you're fine.

Janets pregnant.

It wasn't planned.

Hell, it just happened.

| want this.

Whether it's his or yours,

| want this child to replace what we lost.

MAN: Dispatch, dispatch, 10:13, officer down.

Dispatch, officer down, we need an ambulance.

Johnny's dead, they shot him

-Ah. -Oh, hi.

Uh, friend of Lou, | just...

-Nice. -Yeah, she's cute, huh?

Yeah.

She's a nun. She's a nun until the end of the month.

-You're bi, right? -Yeah.

Bi guys are the best.

Guys, | don't think I'm bi anymore.

| feel like | can't eat when I'm not with you.

You know, I'm just...

Shit, | love you, Natalie.

-| didn't put my papers in. -Hmm?

Things change. You think they'd stay the same, but they change.

You think | wanted this?

-You think that | wanted that? -(Glass shatters)

Huh? Is that what you think?

Shit!

Oh, Tommy, Tommy, wake up! Please Tommy wake up.

(Explosion)

TOMMY: | remember driving there. Um...

She looked...great.

She was, um...

wearin’ this dress.

She got all dressed up for dinner, um,

plus the-- The light,

you know, from...

sunset.

And, uh...

So we started to talk.

Blah-blah this, blah-blah that.

Next thing you know she’s, uh--

She’s pissed at me. Um...

Uh-- | should mention here, um...

[SIGHS]

I’ve, uh...

| have a drinking problem and, um,

sometimes, um, it’s happened before with her.

|, uh--

I’ve had blackouts, and she’s had to...

piece the, uh,

night back together for me.

So that particular night

| was drinking seltzer,

and she was drinking white wine,

and...

after the conversation went south, she...

said she wanted to go inside

and watch this television show

about...weasels--

Meerkats.

Meerkat, uh, Manor.

So we went inside...

and, uh, next thing you know

we’re watching, uh, this show,

and the narrator is--

He gives the, uh, meerkats names.

So there’s this meerkat...

named Shakespeare,

and he gets...bit

by a-- Ascorpion,

and there’s some question about whether or not

he’s gonna make it back to the home...base.

You know, the place where they--

Where the rest of the meerkat tribe is, and they--

| was really worried about the guy.

Shakespeare, he’s--

He was lookin’--

He was looking pretty bad, and uh...

The next thing | know, I’m laying in the sand

and-- And, uh...

| can hear people screaming and--

MAN 1: This doesn’t add up, Mr. Gavin.

I’m sorry? Your story.

According to the facts we have in front of us,

there were signs of an accelerant.

| don’t know anything about an accelerant--

MAN 2: You cosigned a fire insurance policy on the house,

and a life insurance policy on Mrs. Keefe

two weeks before the fire.

No, | didn’t. Mr. Gavin, please.

I’m telling you, | think | would remember--

You don’t remember starting the fire.

How can we expect you to remember signing policies?

| didn’t start the fire, okay? Listen to me.

We know you're a drunk

with a very convenient drinking problem.

It’s a disease, okay? So is cancer.

You want to blame cancer for the fire?

Tell the truth, Mr. Gavin.

I’m telling the truth. You're not.

Yes, | am. | am telling--

No, you’re not. I’m telling the truth, okay?

We were inside.

l-- | was on the couch, she was in the easy chair.

We were watching the meerkats, okay?

[BABY CRYING]

You gotta, um-- [GRUNTS]

Come here.

| got you.

Shh.

[MOANS GENTLY]

You got him? | got him.

Go back to sleep.

[SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE]

[WIND BLOWS]

[DOOR THUDS] [BABY CRIES]

I’m trying to get him to go to sleep.

Do you have any idea what time it is?

Three a.m.?

It is? Jesus Christ.

Three-sixteen to be exact. | told you 12,

and | meant midnight, not noontime.

Wh--?

We couldn't get out of the club because these guys,

they were such assholes to Tony, okay?

And then there was this group of girls.

Oh, my God, one chick-- She had this weird tattoo on her arm.

God, she was such a bitch.

She wanted Tony to sign her tit. Ew.

And anyways, then we stopped for a burger,

then he had to stop and get gas--

Wait, wait, wait. He-- He’s a he?

Who? Tony.

Yeah, he’s my boyfriend.

Whatever happened to what’s-her-name? Linda.

Lorraine? Uh-- Yeah, whatever.

Dad, that was so six months ago, okay?

I’m through with girls. Girls are crazy.

[SCOFFS] It’s just a phase | was going through.

W-- Your grandmother thought that, you know,

me and your mom were just a phase, and look at us.

Huh?

Not now. | mean, you know--

And let me tell you something.

Girls might be crazy, but girls are crazy all the time.

They’re dependable. Guys are, you know--

Guys are just--

| mean, what's this guy doing signing, you know...?

Tits?

Breasts. Boobs.

Whatever.

He’s a musician.

A-are you--? Are you--?

That, you f--

All right, that’s just--

Uh-- Wait-- What instrument does he play?

He’s a lead singer.

He’s not a musician, okay?

The four guys up on stage with him are the musicians.

Lead singer.

Jesus Christ.

Those are the guys who wear all the makeup

and do all the drugs, and...

sleep with all the...chicks.

How old’s this guy?

Twenty-six.

Jesus Chr-- Twenty-six year old--

Do you know how old that is in rock-’n’-roll years?

He’s like 70, okay?

He’s like the Clint Eastwood of rock ’n’ roll.

Is that a...hickey on your neck?

Are--? Are you having...

sex with this guy?

That’s none of your business, Dad.

Which is-- I’ll take as a-- Ayes, okay?

Hang on there, missy.

| have to go to the bathroom.

Let me tell you something. You're not fooling anybody.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

| smelled the pot when you walked in, okay?

G-- Yeah. Yeah.

And | can smell the sex.

Pot and sex, | can smell ’em both.

Yeah.

Okay, Dad. Okay.

Reality-check time, okay?

Yes, | have sex. Shh.

Yeah, you heard me. | just had sex.

With Tony in his car,

right after | smoked a big fat joint.

Very funny.

Ve-- What?

[VOMITS] Jesus.

Oh, yeah. [SIGHS]

The pot made me forget.

| also drink now.

Tonight, | had vodka, beer

and peppermint schnapps.

A lot of peppermint schnapps.

Hey. Hey--

| am telling your mother.

Earth to Dad. She already knows.

[WHISPERING] Hey. Hey.

Get up. Get up. Not now, Tommy.

This is a bad idea. Th--

The sex always leads to-- No, no, no, no, that’s--

Colleen is smoking pot.

| know.

You know? What do you mean, you know?

And it’s good pot too. Not the cheap shit we used to get.

Great. That’s a great attitude.

l-| told you years ago pot’s a gateway drug.

Tonight she comes home, not only is she high, she’s drunk.

Drunk, yeah. Shitfaced, puked. Yeah.

Was she driving?

No, | think her 50-year-old boyfriend

was handling the driving responsibilities.

Uh, he’s 26, and that’s good.

That’s good. Why is that good?

Because he doesn’t drink.

Okay. But I’m pretty sure

that she’s bangin’ this guy.

Yeah. | know.

Look, she’s on the pill.

You put her on the pill? Is that--?

Uh, uh-- Insane. T-- To-- | mean--

You got the whole toolbox going. Eh--

Booze, penises. | mean--

| can’t believe that I’m finally the--

The moral compass in this family?

| mean-- Yeah, well...

You’re an enabler. That’s what you are. Yeah.

[BABY CRYING] Yeah.

Shh.

When were you planning

on telling me about this? [SIGHS]

Well, | was gonna drop the sex bomb on you a while ago,

but then this whole platonic living-arrangement thing

has been going so well. Yeah.

You know, and then you always take the word "sex"

as an invitation, so | didn’t want to risk it.

And as for the pot and booze, well,

check her birth certificate.

The last name’s Gavin.

Good night.

S-- So that wasn’t an invitation?

Oh, my God. Get out of here.

KATY: Daddy?

What’s a sex bomb?

Tsk. Oh, honey, that’s, um-- Tommy?

It’s nothing, honey. It’s a, uh--

[SNIFFS]

It’s nothing.

Are you gonna go to jail, Dad?

No. Who said I’m goin’ to jail?

Well, Mom...

Cousin Eddie, Father O’Brien,

all the kids at school--

I’m not-- Never mind Father O’Brien, okay?

I’m not goin’ to jail.

It smells like Christmas out here.

That’s not Christmas, honey.

[SNIFFLES, SIGHS]

Oh.

[KATY VOMITS]

Happy holidays.

[THE VON BONDIES’ "C’MON, C’MON" PLAYING]

On another day C’mon, c’mon f

With these ropes tied tight Can we do no wrong? J

J Now we grieve ‘Cause now it’s gone

Things were good When we were young f

~ When my teeth bite down | can see the blood J

J Of a thousand men Who have come and gone f

J Now we grieve ‘Cause now it’s gone

Things were good When we were young f

Ils it safe to stay? J ~C’mon, c’mon f

? Was it right to leave? J ~C’mon, c’mon J

< Will | ever learn? I ~C’mon, c’mon f

~ C’mon, c’mon C’mon, c’mon J

[ORGAN PLAYING HYMN]

CONGREGATION: fAIl people that f

[OFF-KEY] ~ On Earth do dwell f

I Sing to the-- f 2 Sing to the Lord J

~ With cheerful voice f

~ Him serve with mirth I

f His praise forthtell f

- Come ye before him and... f

RICH: Die, die. Die, Kingwood. [VIOLENT VIDEO GAME PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT MUTTERING]

Saber. Saber.

Die, wizard.

Die, die.

Yeah!

Shh.

Sorry.

| won.

Yeah.

Hey, y-you won what?

What is that? The, uh--? "The Conquest Trethfellon"?

| reached level 60.

| need to find a new game now.

But wait a second. That’s not possible, Rich.

That’s "The Conquest Trethfellon", right?

It’s the most intricate, difficult--

| kicked its ass.

It-- It took Garrity eight months to reach Level 5.

You just beat the whole game in--

Four hours, nine minutes, nigger.

When are you gonna marry my sister?

Excuse me?

When are you gonna marry her?

Uh...we haven't really--

| mean, you know, there’s been a little conversation,

but nothing, uh...

Oh. | get it.

You're, um--

You're worried that your sister and | are gonna hook up,

and that you'll get left behind or sent off on your own.

Is that it, Rich? Nigger.

No, asshole.

| want her married,

so | can get on with my life.

Yeah, what life? My life.

Okay, Franco? Okay.

But | mean, you know, come on, let’s be real.

You take classes at the center,

you bag groceries at the Food Emporium

like 3 days a week, and...

you sit around this apartment

beating video games in record time.

| mean, other than that-- | wanna get laid, Franco.

How am | supposed to do that

with my sister hangin’ around?

I’m horny.

Nigger.

Y-you do realize in order to get laid

you gotta have a girl, right?

| got a girl. Really?

I’m gonna smack your face.

What? | got a girl.

Her name is Barbara.

[SCOFFS]

| met her at the center.

What, does she work there, or is she one of the, uh--?

You know, your-- Your people.

Retards? Yeah.

She has Down syndrome.

She’s partially deaf.

She’s in a wheelchair.

But she’s got the sweetest ass.

Yeah, but if she’s in a wheelchair,

how can you see it? [CHUCKLES]

They stand her up sometimes.

Uh-huh. Ahem. Um, listen, Natalie and I--

We-- We got no plans as far as marriage is concerned right now.

Okay, as soon as that changes, Rich, I-I’ll let you know.

Make it fast.

I’m dyin’ here.

Yeah?

It’s Dr. Brown. I’m sorry, who?

Dr. Brown.

Jeff, is that you?

Jesus Christ, Eddie, you tryin’ to get me canned?

Sorry. Sorry, sorry. | forgot.

JEFF: | got the test results.

EDDIE [ON PHONE]: And? Dead on.

Oh, shit.

Are you sure?

Yep.

All even.

Mm. This is wrong. Mm-hm.

| think that’s enough. Okay.

Oh, yeah, that’s rough.

Oh, God. [PRIEST SPEAKING IN BACKGROUND]

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh.

Oh yeah, that’s it. That’s it. That’s it.

Keep saying that, because if we get caught,

| can say there was prayer involved.

Yeah. Mm, yeah. Yeah.

No, | can’t. | can’t.

| can’t.

Theresa, | can’t do this. I’m sorry.

We gotta stop it, okay? Why?

| was raised a Catholic, for God sakes.

So? | was a nun.

PRIEST: There is only power in God.

Oh, God. [MOANS]

[ORGAN BLARES]

Oh, shit. Ow!

[CONGREGATION GASPS, MURMURS]

Hi. Um, sorry.

Just, um...

making sure the organ w-was okay.

It’s, uh-- It’s-- It’s fine.

Bless you all.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hey-- Hi, Maggie

Are you going somewhere?

| just-- | was-- | was gonna take a walk down to the corner.

You know? Maybe get a-- A muffin...

muffin face.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Is that--? Is that the big box of porn?

Uh... Oh, this box?

Yeah, this-- This-- This might have some porn in it.

Yeah. Yeah. Hm.

You're throwing away the porn?

Okay, look, Maggie, a lot of wives--

They would be thrilled

if their husbands were throwing away the porn.

They would see it as a-- A mature and committed act.

A-and-- And | think you should

see this as a real positive thing.

You know, that’s all fine and good, Sean.

Only it’s my porn.

Okay, well...you don’t need it anymore, right?

‘Cause you got me.

[LAUGHS] Put the box down.

| wanna be married for 2 seconds without--

No, now.

You see this box?

This box is your friend.

It might even be your best friend...

because it’s the only thing breathing life

into our relationship at this point.

We've been married nine months.

What are you talking about breathing life into--?

Everyone needs breath. Everyone needs a spark, Sean.

And the spark is by watching some chick get double-teamed

by guys with cocks the size of telephone poles?

See. Now you understand.

No, | don’t. | don’t understand, Maggie.

| don’t think you understand

that | might have a problem with this.

That this might make me feel, you know...

inferior. Oh, but, Sean...

you have nothing to feel inferior about.

Really? Except that

your cock isn’t as big as a telephone pole,

but that-- I’m goin’ to work.

You know what? Enjoy your porn.

Sean.

You don’t want your cock to be that big.

Your life would be terrible.

You would not be able to buy pants.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

[EXHALES]

Eh. Yeah.

How’s my favorite health nut doing?

Hey, lost 5 more pounds. Wow.

What's that? Uh, 30 total?

Thirty-five.

| go in for my stress test in a couple of days,

and back to full duty.

That’s great, Pop.

Hey, uh, how you doin’, kid?

I’m engaged.

What? Uh-- Uh-- You’re kiddin’.

Nope.

Who’s the lucky girl?

Steven. My boyfriend.

You actually thought it was a woman?

No. No, no, no, no.

| mean, it’s-- That’s-- That’s really great.

Great.

Is it legal?

It Massachusetts, yeah.

But listen, it’s not like a regular wedding service.

It’s a commitment ceremony.

We exchange vows in front of friends and family.

And I-- I'd like you to...

sort of, be my best man.

Make a little speech.

Dad. You there?

Yeah, uh-- Uh, Pete, sure | will.

|, uh-- Uh...

There’s nothing that would make me happier

than to do that for you.

Bullshit.

You got me there, but, uh...

I’ll be there.

And I'll be there with bells on.

That’s great. Thanks, Dad.

Yeah, sure. Uh...

Hey, uh...| don’t have to kiss the bride, do I?

Not on my lips.

[LAUGHS]

Gotcha.

I'll talk to you later, Pop-- Yeah.

WOMAN [ON TV]: Exactly. | mean, like most things in life,

the idea for the book...

Is that Oprah?

No. Yeah. You, uh--

Well, |...was trying to get SportsCenter,

but she’s like everywhere. It’s crazy.

It still smells like puke in here.

Well, I-- | used the Glade.

Did you use the Suddenly Spring or the Delicate Petals?

|-|-- We've got bigger problems than puke.

Okay, Colleen?

Sex with the boyfriend

in front of the house last night in the car.

So did we. How about that?

Neighbors could’ve seen it, you know.

What? So did we.

Honey, she’s a kid. She’s...just turned 18.

| mean, it’s-- You know. You got me pregnant

when | was 17.

Okay, that-- In your truck,

while we were drinking and on Quaaludes.

It was the ’70s, okay?

Freddy Fender. Pet Rocks.

[SCOFFS] Okay.

What did the super say?

He’s workin’ on it. He’s, uh...

All right, you ready?

Okay. Okay.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Ready?

Ready, ready.

Wow. Shh, shh, shh.

Nice. Shh. Shh.

Shh.

[BABY CRYING] Oh.

[SIGHS]

Tommy, you jinxed it.

| didn’t jinx it. He just-- He had--

He drank his bottle too fast.

Rub his back a little bit.

Tommy, | know how to take care of kids.

I’m not telling-- | had three kids, you know?

| breastfed, | bathed them, | diapered them.

| was just-- This baby hates me.

He doesn’t hate you. He needs to have his back rubbed, okay?

Just take him.

| just gave him to you. Give him a couple more seconds.

Take him.

[WHISPERS] Take him.

[SIGHS]

Tommy.

Look...

don't...

dwell on it, okay?

It’s just-- You know.

This baby hates me.

He d-- Honey, he’s a baby.

He doesn’t even know what hate is.

He’s a Gavin. He was born to hate.

You know, come to think of it, | think he’s all Gavin.

Half Johnny, half you.

Okay, you know what? This--

lf he was half Johnny, he’d hate me, and he doesn't.

He loves me. Look.

[BABY COOING]

Well, he still kind of looks like me, right?

| mean, he’s got the...

blond peach fuzz comin’ in.

But that doesn’t mean anything.

In a couple of months he could end up

with a full head of jet-black hair.

| gotta go.

No. Tommy, Tommy, please don’t go. |--

Honey, | gotta go to work, okay?

Well, then we gotta hire some help,

because | am losing my mind here.

We have been over this a million times.

Okay, I-l can’t work any extra jobs right now

because of the kids, so we don't have any money--

No, I’m-- I’m gonna get a job.

Did you just say that you’re gonna--?

Yeah. I'll get a job.

| have friends who can sit for me.

What are you--? What are you gonna do?

Real estate.

Well, t--

Like, they-- Like, you--

I’m good in sales. You’re what?

You're good at--? Okay, Tommy,

what if you end up in jail,

and the F.D.N.Y. cancels your pension?

I’m not going to jail, okay?

While you’re out selling property,

take little no-name with you,

and maybe he can sell some tiny little properties--

WOMAN [ON RADIO]: Thank you, Dr. Laura.

l-| wonder if it’s unhealthy to maintain a relationship

with someone who’s dead.

DR. LAURA: Well, it’s kind of one-sided.

WOMAN: Yeah. But it’s--

DR. LAURA: It's one-sided and--

Well, you can’t call it a relationship.

Why not?

WOMAN: | can-- [CELL PHONE RINGS]

DR. LAURA: You can’t call it a relationship.

That’s a two-way street. Yeah.

Hey.

Hey. Was that--? Was that Dr. Laura?

Yeah, my radio froze. Uh--

Whole car. The heater’s not workin’.

What's goin’ on? What’s going on with Teddy?

Uh, giving the case to the jury within a week.

Looks good for him.

For you, not so much.

Hey, Tom, | heard from my guy inside the insurance company.

Yeah, and...? It’s definitely your signature

on both policies.

Life and fire.

Okay, | never signed anything.

Yeah, well, someone did.

Well, it wasn’t me.

Jesus, Tom, you have gotta pull your act together, you know?

Every time you go in, you give a different story,

which at this point, is making things look very,

very suspicious.

Well, I--

| can’t remember everything, Eddie, all right?

Yeah, well, bein’ a drunken fool is just not gonna fly.

You know? Tom-- Make somethin’ up.

So you-- You want me to lie.

Yeah, through your goddamn teeth, | want you to lie.

Well...| can’t do that.

You-- You--

[LAUGHS]

What's so funny?

You can’t lie?

L-look, | can lie, you know, to my wife, my kids,

the guys at work, you know,

the guys at headquarters, cops.

| can do that kind of lying. That’s like AAA ball,

you know what | mean? But these are lawyers.

This is, you know-- This is major league pitching here.

These guys, you know--

I’m good, but I’m not that good.

Listen to me.

We have got one more shot at this, Tom.

Day after tomorrow. All right?

Now, you come up with a story that makes plausible sense.

Practical sense.

Oh, and wear a dress shirt for chrissakes.

With a jacket.

[SIGHS]

Asshole.

WOMAN [ON RADIO]: Difficult one to explain.

Her dad was married--

[DOG BARKING]

Hey. Hey.

Hey. What’s goin’ on?

Freezin’ our balls off. The heat’s out.

Thank God for propane, you know?

Wow.

Uh, Fredo...

you mentioned just a second ago, uh, propane.

Interesting fun fact. Did you know that propane

is, uh, both a liquid and a gas?

A-at atmospheric pressure

and temperatures above minus-44 Fahrenheit,

it’s a non-toxic, o-odorless, colorless gas.

And like natural gas, it has an identifying odor

added to it, so it can be detected readily.

You, uh-- You wanna--?

[SIGHS] You know, | still don’t know

what you guys like to talk about.

Pussy. That’s always a good choice.

Hey, this just in, chief. The power’s out.

Ah, jeez. When it rains it pours.

We’re on emergency power now,

so if you wanna read or take a shit,

or you wanna do both at the same time,

you better take one of these.

Jesus, Tommy, you look like shit.

| was up and down with the baby most of the night, okay?

So-- You just missed your girlfriend.

Not my girlfriend. The firefighter.

Second of all, barely a firefighter, okay?

Volley. Goddamn volley.

Yeah, volley or no volley,

she pulled your ass out of a fire, bro.

That alone, you owe her dinner, right?

Mm-hm.

I’m gonna take her to dinner, okay?

What's the big thing? | mean, she lifted you up

off a hot melting floor.

She slung you over her shoulder.

She carried you to safety-- Allegedly.

--like you have done a million times.

She probably slipped you a little tongue when she was

giving mouth-to-mouth, like you have done--

Once, okay? Did it once.

Twice. That was it. [CHUCKLES]

Hey, you know what’s really weird about this?

The whole chick- saving-you thing.

It’s like a role- reversal thing.

It’s like Lois Lane saving Superman.

LOU: My hoops are here.

Guys, help my cousin unload this. Get Mikey, please?

What--? What--? What hoops? Oh, basketball hoops.

Yeah, | got two brand-new backboards,

NBA-style.

| got floor paint, | got a brand new box of balls.

The whole nine yards. For what?

For the b-ball court we’re putting in the basement.

B-ball-- What--? Hey, Vito.

How’s it goin’?

Three hours on the goddamn BQE with agita

and cold goddamn coffee, that’s how it’s goin’.

| thought we were putting a street hockey court in.

Nope. Nixed. New York Knicks-ed.

Since when? Uh, since last night.

Listen, | got a couple guys. We’re gonna help unload this.

What do you mean last night? I--

We-- We took a vote, okay? By-- By e-mail.

You can’t-- | don’t do e-mail. You can’t take a vote by e-mail.

What smells like puke?

You're a regular riot. Can | talk to you? [LAUGHS]

Funny guy, my cousin. Yeah, he’s very funny.

So you guys took a vote, and I’m not included?

What’s that about? Look, we the crew, uh,

decided that matters concerning the future of this house

should be voted on by guys who are

actually gonna be here in the future.

Okay, what? Huh?

Well, the word on the street is you’re going to jail.

| don’t know what street that is,

but I’m not going to jail.

Well, that’s not what | hear.

| got a friend down at HQ.

He says they’re this close to getting rid of you.

What’s your friend’s name?

Kenny O’Connell. Maybe he can help.

Nah. Hates your guts. Why?

Well, he says at some Christmas party

a couple of years ago, he was passed out,

you-- Shaved off his eyebrows, yeah.

That Kenny O’Connell.

They never grew back. Really?

Yep. That’s a shame.

Yeah. Well, you know, | can give him a call.

It’s better than seeing him in person.

It’s just...all forehead.

Hey. Stay away from my balls.

Did we or did we not have

the worst firehouse basketball team

in the history of firehouse basketball before 9/11?

Am | not wrong? No, you’re right, it’s true.

But that was back when all we had to offer was Franco and Nels

and those eight spastic giants from the engine.

Yeah. What do you have to offer--?

My spies tell me that coming through the probie class

right now is a black kid--

Afro-American, as Kramer might say

--who is so goddamn good as an outside shooter,

people are calling him the next Jackie Ryan.

Jackie Ryan. The Jackie Ryan. Yes, the Jackie Ryan.

And I’m makin’ a play to get him assigned to this house.

And if that happens, you will notice a widening,

suspicious stain on the front of my person.

Do not be alarmed.

Just know that I’m very happy and go about your business.

Mikey’s laying down in the bunk room.

So wake him up. Yeah, | tried.

And...? | mean, | think he’s--

| think he’s dead.

SEAN: Look at him. He looks so peaceful.

That’s because he’s an idiot. It’s his look.

In a fire, after a fire, on his way home from a fire,

awake, asleep. Always the same look.

You check his pulse? | didn’t. Should |?

No, see? That’s your look. You're befuddled.

Get out of the way. Uh-- Excuse me, befuddled?

Confused. I’m really pissed off about this basketball thing.

| know what "befuddled" means.

It’s because Tommy just told you. It means "confused."

No, it’s not. | Know because-- | just Know. All right, jerk?

Yeah, yeah, he’s alive. Hey, Mikey. Mike?

Wake up, buddy. You all right?

Hey. Oh, hey, guys.

Wow. How long was | out for?

How do we know? What time did you get here?

| don’t know, | had a "colon-scopy--"

Colonoscopy.

And they give you drugs and stuff.

| guess shoving a 5-foot-long Camera up your ass

falls into the "and stuff" category.

My mom’s been sick lately, and there’s a history

of colon cancer in my family, so | thought I’d play it safe

and check out the situation and stuff.

If you say “and stuff’ one more time,

I’m gonna shove my flashlight up your ass.

That’d be the second time today.

Did you vote yes for this basketball court?

You look stressed out. Yeah, stressed out.

The basketball thing,

haven't had sex or a smoke in nine months,

and | found out everybody thinks I’m going to jail.

So you know, yeah. Stressed? Yeah. Little bit.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Hey, look at the bright side. Which is what?

In jail, there’s probably gonna be a lot of black guys,

and they’re probably gonna play a lot of hoops. So?

So when you get out, you'll be a lot better.

Or good at least. See, that’s his look.

What is it, angry? Murderous.

You're not getting that court.

Yeah, what are you gonna do? Shiv me?

[SIRENS WAILING]

So are you a, uh--? You’re a cat lover?

| am, yeah. You have cats at home?

| do. | have four. Oh, great.

We-- We have a bunch of cats

trapped on the 2nd or 3rd floor.

Yeah, | heard them meowing, and | went up there,

but they’re, uh, trapped up under this loft,

and they won’t come down.

Poor things. They’ve gotta be frozen solid.

Catsicles. Hm.

My favorite treat.

All right, lads. Let’s, uh, leave the tanks

and bring the catnip.

Garrity, give-- Give him a hand. Yeah.

Is it wrong that | called?

Uh...no, no. Trapped cats.

You know that one man’s blessing is another man’s 911 call.

FRANCO: Goddamn cats.

How come it’s never anything worthwhile

trapped inside a building, like gold ingots?

Musket and ingots within 5 minutes.

Sounds like someone’s been playing Scrabble with Rain Man.

FRANCO: He had a lot of Ts.

You're voting for that rink. What are you talking about?

You’re voting for that hockey rink,

or I’m buying Maggie more porn.

How did you know about that? Okay? Big black cocks?

| Know about it. Her favorite genre. You’re voting for--

Now, you see, this is a wonderful apartment

if you’re a young couple with kids.

You have, uh, nice lots of room,

you have a beautiful draft, morning, noon and night,

and there’s no view, which in this neighborhood

is a huge selling point.

You know, | can smell the cats,

| just can’t see em.

Well, you know, if they smell like puke, it’s you, Tom.

Hey, where are these cats?

What are you asking me for?

Franco, the one time we actually need you to find pussy.

Jesus Christ! [ALL YELLING]

Everybody all right? Everybody all right?

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

Whoa!

[ALL SHOUTING]

[B-52’S "DANCE THIS MESS AROUND" PLAYING]

J Remember f

J When you held my hand f

J Say remember J

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

J When you were my man I

J Walk, talk 2

< Inthe name of love f

Before you J

J Break my heart S

¢ Dance on over J

~ Yeah I

f Roll it over In your mind J

~ Why don’t you Dance with me? I

f I’m not no Limburger J

~ Why don’t you Dance with me? I

f I’m not no Limburger J

f Oh, say I

~ Why don’t you Dance with me? I

f I’m not no Limburger J

f Just a Limburger I

LOU: Get him up. Get him away from the building.

Come on, Tommy. We gotta get out of here.

Come on, buddy.

[EXPLOSION]

Wow. [MEOWS]

What the hell happened?

When the floor went...

took part of the exterior wall with it.

We slid out of the side of the goddamn building.

Thank God for these stuffed animals.

We'd have been dead. What’s with him?

FRANCO: Oh, he took a 2-by-4 to the balls when he landed.

First, a colonoscopy. And then a 2-by-4.

Busy day for this kid’s taint.

Incoming!

Christ.

At least we saved some of these cats, you know?

| got one.

How many we get altogether?

Wait one sec. Where'd he go?

Tommy’s got one. That’s two. Pretty good.

[CRASHING] [CAT YELPS]

Well, you know... one’s good.

One’s good.

Man, hey, | think the power’s back, right?

Oh, nice heat. Very nice.

Hey, boys, how’s it going? Hey, hey, hey.

Yeah.

| had a buddy of mine owed me a favor over at Con Ed.

Had him come and rehook the whole neighborhood grid up.

Another guy | know came

and kick-started the boiler downstairs.

Tom, your wife called.

| sent that same guy over to your building,

and the heat’s up and running there good too.

Nice. Want some coffee, boys?

There’s a fresh pot in there with hot pizza in the kitchen.

All right. Thanks, chief.

Our chief is back.

Good man. You’re looking good, chief.

Thanks. Hey, Jerry.

Yeah. Chief, uh...

| had a propane, uh, heater out here.

Yeah. Down in the basement. Thank you.

Fun fact about propane-- Pizza.

[INDISTINCT FIRE RADIO CHATTER]

| saw you by Sheila’s old place the other day.

How’s Damian doin’?

He’s doin’ all right. He’s, like,

living in a studio over by NYU.

Yeah, it’s gotta be tough for him,

not having his mom around doing everything for him.

Welcome to real life. Yeah. No shit.

All right, fellas, here’s the deal on the hoops situation.

We took a vote, chief. No, there is no vote.

What do you think this is, a goddamn democracy?

| come back to full duty in two weeks,

and | don’t want to listen to the hockey half of the house

bitching and moaning about the b-ball half.

So | solved it.

The engine company’s downstairs right now...

putting up one hoop and one hockey goal.

So let me get this straight. We’re goin’ halfsies?

Halfsies it is.

End of discussion.

Now I’m goin’ home.

So this goddamn pizza doesn’t throw me off of my diet.

Enjoy it, boys. FRANCO: You are the man, chief.

You are the man.

| think what makes the most sense--

and | have been trying to piece the evening together

--is that...

she must've drugged me.

| think...

she couldn't get me to commit

or submit to what she wanted, which was, you know,

for me to give up my job as a fireman

and to move into this house with her.

And Ill tell you something else, um...

she must have forged my name on documents for that house.

MAN: What, uh--?

What substance do you believe

she might have drugged you with?

[INAUDIBLE WHISPERING]

I’m not gonna say that. Just say it.

I’m not saying it. Just say it.

I’m not-- Say it.

Get out of here. Say it, wimp.

[GRUNTS]

[MOANS] Hey.

Ooh, sorry. Uh-- Hey, it’s me.

Hey. Hi.

Hi. I’m sorry.

| didn’t mean to wake you, but it seemed

like you were having a really bad dream, so--

Uh-- | was, yeah.

You okay? Yeah.

Wow. Nice dress.

Oh. Thank you.

| am, uh, gonna wear it to the dinner.

So I’m glad you like it. | got it at Barney’s.

Usually | don’t go there ‘cause it’s too fancy,

but it’s a warehouse sale twice a year,

so | bought this and another one that | may wear,

but probably this one.

Um, dinner?

Yeah, next Tuesday night. Do my knees look chubby in this?

Uh... N-no. No.

No.

It’s a little Spanish place downtown,

and it’s very, very expensive, and you’re paying.

Oh, okay. Now, um,

this is... Tuesday?

We’re...goin’ out?

You know, after | saved your life,

you asked me if there was

anything you could do for me,

and | said yes, you could take me to dinner.

l-- Yeah. And you really haven’t mentioned it,

so | decided to take the bull by the horns

and wrestle it to the ground. Give me your hand.

Um...

Look... [BONES CRACK]

Ah. It’s very difficult for me to get into the city.

So | need a few days notice. Ow. Ow.

So Tuesday night. Say it. Yeah.

What? Tuesday night.

Say it. Say it. Yes. Ow.

Tuesday night. Tuesday.

Tuesday, 7:00. Tuesday.

Okay, Jesus. Ow.

No excuses.

Okay, but-- Okay.

Listen, I'll call you Tuesday at 6,

and | will give you the name and address of the place.

And, uh, toodles.

Okay, okay, you know, | have a brand new baby at home.

Yeah. | don’t care.

Uh, okay, and, you know, | have a wife.

Tommy, an ex-wife.

But she lives with me. Don’t care.

Okay. Toodles.

Ow.

MAGGIE: Are you sure you wanna do this?

Yes. I-- I’ve been thinking a lot about it,

and | think that the fact that

you like porn is, um, really special.

So...| want to do it, uh, for us.

Rather than be freaked out by it,

| wanna just embrace it, you know?

| mean, you like some of my hobbies.

Like what?

Uh, you know...j--

Walking.

Uh, and my trains. You really--

Okay, actually you don't... [CLEARS THROAT]

...but | am gonna do it for us.

Okay. Okay. Here we go.

Ready? Okay.

WOMAN [ON TV]: You're the plumber?

MAN [ON TV]: Yeah. You the one that called?

| am.

My pipes are a little rusty.

FRANCO: Hey, baby, | haven't seen Richie since | got here.

Where is he?

Uh, he called. He’s at the center.

He’s got some new friend down there or something.

Oh, right.

So, um, | guess that means you and me,

we have some alone time, right?

I’m reading, Franco.

Come on. You wanna fool around?

I’m in the middle of a chapter.

You know, I’m in the middle of a chapter too.

It’s Chapter 7 actually. "Franco Needs Sex."

[GIGGLES]

Oh, okay. Well, let’s skip to another chapter.

What’s Chapter 2?

Uh, "Franco Needs Sex."

Don’t even ask about other chapters.

They’re all "Franco Needs Sex." Right.

Except for the last chapter,

which is, um, "Franco Falls Asleep After Sex."

Come on, baby. Ah, I’m almost done reading.

Give me 15 minutes.

[SIGHS]

You know, |, uh-- | almost died today.

What? Yeah.

Yeah, we were in this, uh, warehouse.

You know, the whole floor just-- Just collapsed.

It was a really weird fire.

If the side hadn’t blown out, the whole crew--

We'd all be toast.

Oh, my God.

You poor guy.

Oh, come here.

Hm.

| guess | have to almost die more often, hun?

Mm-hm.

[LOUD MOANING]

Oh, my God. That’s so phony.

Maggie, come on-- She’s totally acting.

Look, I’ve been with a lot of girls in my life,

and I’ve never heard a woman moan like that ever.

No kidding. What?

Nothing.

Oh, and now the other guy shows up?

Come on. He’s gonna join in? That never happens.

That’s ridiculous.

What the hell’s he gonna do with the pepper mill?

Sean, that’s not a pepper mill.

Oh, my God.

Oh!

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

MAN: Nah. It gives us a half hour.

[BELL DINGS]

So, what are you gonna say?

Well, | guess we’re gonna find out, huh?

You could just tell the truth.

Which would be what?

That you were shitfaced and horny,

and then when she got pissy and afraid,

you started pushing her around and telling her--

That’s not what happened. That's not the truth.

Don’t talk over me. Don’t talk over me.

Let me finish. That’s your m.o. with her, okay?

It’s your m.o. with her and Janet.

Stop it--

Just listen to me for--

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Oh.

[SIGHS]

There was a, uh--

A bee in there.

Oh, really? | think | got him.

[THE DEL FUEGOS’ "BACKSEAT NOTHING" PLAYING]

~ Dark room, small talk J

The jukebox spins Another disc

J How could something Once so fine J

~ Come to feeling like this? I

[KNOCKS]

~ Time for me to Gather my loving J

< Time for me to leave town I

J Because you treat me Like a backseat nothing f

I I’m tired of this I’m gonna put you down I

I "Flip, Flop and Fly" Well, | guess J

J That was her favorite song J

J Seems like everything | ever did for her I

~ Came out wrong J

~ Time for me to Gather my loving J

< Time for me to leave town I

J Because you treat me Like a backseat nothing f

[MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY]

We've got $2 million on the line,

and you are totally screwing this up.

[MUSIC STARTS UP AGAIN]

J Woke up early this morning Said, "Come on down f

f | got this idea we can try" I

~ She rolled over Rick And | said, "Well, look,”

? Said, "I'll watch you, honey As you go on by" I

~ Time for me to Gather my loving J

< Time for me to leave town I

J Because you treat me Like a backseat nothing f

I I’m tired of this I’m gonna put you down I

J Because you treat me Like a backseat nothing f

< I'm tired of this f

f I’m gonna put you down f

J Because you treat me J

J Like a backseat nothing f

I I’m tired of this I’m gonna put you down I

J Because you... f