Original subtitles

Johnny...

John, what about me?

Johnny, choose me.

John, I'm the one.

You promised me, John.

You're all so beautiful.

How am I supposed to choose?

It's like a Chinese water torture.

Who do I choose, John?

You can have us all.

John Ripley! John Ripley!

You are the personification of the wild man of the flesh!

John Ripley, the time has come!

Your time has come!

John Ripley!

The lake of fire awaits you!

The lake of fire awaits you!

Are you alright?

Yeah, I'm okay.

It was just a dream.

Do you want to talk about it?

later. John wouldn't cheat on me. He's um he's unique. He's somebody I can be myself around

and hang out with and act crazy with. He's um he's somebody I can trust. Personally I don't

think you can trust any of them. They only want one thing. No not John. It's not a physical thing

with him. I mean we we were in bed five minutes after we met but it was um it was a spiritual

thing. It was an electromagnetic experience. Electromagnetic? Huh that doesn't sound like

something you'd say. Because he said it. He's read the prophet and uh he gave me a signed copy of it.

He's so faithful and loyal and so good and kind. It just hurts to look into his eyes sometimes.

So in return for him giving me the prophet I got him some of his favorite imported shaving cream

and cologne for a surprise. He loves surprises. So when are you gonna see me again? Oh bless

it come on stop pressuring me. Christ we can't even carry on a normal conversation. I don't feel

secure. I don't know what's happening with us. If you did feel secure then what do we have to talk

about? I don't know. Let's talk about that.

I had no idea it was this late.

See, that's what happens when I'm with you.

Time just flies.

I'm late for my haircut.

I gotta go down to wardrobe.

I gotta pick up my script.

And I'm sorry to rush you like this.

I had a great time last night.

Okay, Rocky, you gotta run some interference for me,

all right, bud?

You know what to do.

I'm sorry to seem so frantic. I got a memory like a tampon. It all just caved in on me at once.

You were terrific. You really were. I'll call you just as soon as I can.

I promise.

Sandy, what a great-

One, two, three, four!

Hey, baby!

You got that magic, baby!

You got that style!

This whole boy-

I don't mind my thinking of you!

I got the time!

Let's get serious!

Let's get serious about that!

I've got your number, baby!

Do you have mine?

I've got the ticket, baby!

If you've got the time!

I'm going crazy for you!

Out of my mind!

Let's get serious!

I gotta get serious about love!

Oh, get serious!

Let's get serious about love!

Come here, baby!

I just wanna talk to you!

Let's get serious!

I've got connections, baby!

Fortune and fame!

Looking for romance, baby!

Look up my name!

I will give you satisfaction!

Get ready!

Wow!

Let's get serious!

Let's get serious about love!

Don't think it over, baby!

Don't take the time!

I've got others, baby!

Wedding and life!

If I'm the man that you've been dreaming of!

Let's get serious!

Let's get serious about love!

Oh, yeah!

Let's get serious!

Let's get serious about love!

Let's get serious!

Hey, girl!

Let's get serious!

Come here!

Yeah!

Yeah, baby!

We gotta do lunch sometime!

Let's get serious!

Let's get serious!

Let's get serious about love!

Sandy was a good time.

I'm gonna miss her.

Forget about her.

She's gone with the wind.

Are you still going out with Monique?

Because I wouldn't mind taking her out.

Yeah, you can call her.

Fair warning, though, man.

She's like a Ferrari.

She's great to look at.

She's great to drive.

But the maintenance is gonna kill you.

John, I can handle the maintenance, babe.

Why don't you just give me the money, okay?

Before I forget, they want you to do that early morning talk show next week.

I don't wanna do any more talk shows, or else I'm no good at them.

John, John!

Hey.

Hey, since they're shooting the night sequences over there...

I mean, I got all your script provisions and everything.

They're mad as hell you didn't tell anybody where you were!

Well, obviously, you didn't have to, Harlan.

You found them.

Oh, well, look who's here.

The number one ladies' man in Los Angeles.

Yes, sir.

You still chasing those low-mileage Bon Appetiters, are you there, Russ, huh?

I just wanna be around the cats these guys ogle.

Is this the new hound you've been telling me about?

Yeah, that's Otto.

It's more like Bear and Bob Ricks' outfit.

Ross, I hear you guys signed a new little lady.

News travels fast.

What? Who's that?

Never mind you.

This is a class act.

She's well-insulated against the schemes of a womanizer.

I can't believe you won't tell me who she is.

This is on page 53.

Jackie Johansson.

Not bad.

Not bad?

Eat your heart out, John.

She's one of the top models in the world.

She's just in from London.

I represent her for commercial.

Man, I've seen this girl's pictures on the billboards.

Wow, I gotta get back.

You better get back there, too, pal.

Russ, bye.

Tell him I'll be there in a few minutes.

Well?

You know, every agent in town wanted her, but she came to me.

She came to you?

She doesn't need an agent.

She needs a brainwave test.

Get ready, Rock.

Mercedes, please?

Hey, dog! Who do you belong to?

What are you doing collecting my parking tickets?

Look, I really gotta apologize for your manners, but my dog, he sees a good-looking girl and he just goes right out of control.

You're an actor, aren't you?

Well, not according to some people who see my work.

Anyway, this is Russ Wilder, my agent.

Hi.

Russ, to make up for this embarrassment, why don't you get the lady's name and number and invite her to that screening later at the Fairmont?

Nice to meet you.

You okay?

Sure.

My name's Pam.

John Ripley.

Pleasure to meet you.

Have a good time at the screening, Russ.

I'll be on the set.

Okay, thanks for lunch.

Have a nice day.

You like that?

Probably.

Come on, Russ.

Come on.

That's right. I want you.

John, 20 minutes, man. You've been in there.

They're mad as hell at me, man. Let's go!

Here. Come on.

What's the reason for the delay this time, John?

I'm just doing a couple push-ups.

As many push-ups as you've done, you should look like Tarzan by now.

Let's get through this so we can get you out of here.

And maybe get some work done, Harlan.

You know, you're not fooling anybody with those dark glasses, Ripley.

You don't know your lines and you don't want us to see that you're looking at the cue cards.

So what?

So I'm sick of it, okay?

Okay.

I mean, I can't relate. I can't see your eyes.

It affects my performance.

Your performance is always affected.

Jennings, quit whining. Let's get this over with.

Look, just because your fan mail weighs more than mine,

it doesn't mean that I don't have a right to say something.

Knock it off, Jennings.

Your teeth are gonna be bouncing across the floor like chicklets.

Okay, come on, pal. Come on.

All right, knock it off.

Let's get the shot.

Quiet on the set. Action, Harlan.

Six, five, four, three, two...

Why, Hank Johnson, as I live and breathe,

after that grunion and nom exploded, I thought...

Cut! Cut! Cut!

That's a grenade, not a grunion, Ripley.

A grunion is a smelly little fish.

Once again, please.

You see what I mean? He hasn't even read the script.

Please, from the top.

Are you ready, John?

Six, five, four, three, two...

Why, Hank Johnson, after that grenade and bomb exploded, I...

They said you were dead.

There's no need for tears, David. I've come home.

I'm crying because of your breath, Hank. It smells like a grunion.

Jesus Christ! This is ridiculous! I'm through working with this jerk!

He's totally unprofessional!

He's not an artist!

What a putz.

I want a 10.

Not a 7, not an 8, not a 9.

But a 10.

You hear me?

Go get him, Poopsy.

So far, I'm impressed.

Let me see, let me see.

Yeah, he's going down.

He seems lost.

No, no, wait a minute.

He gets a little nervous when he's performing for other people.

Call him back. We'll send him right there.

Wait, wait, wait.

I think he's picking up a scent.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Notice how he moves with the pillows.

He's definitely on to something.

Let me see, let me see.

By God, he's got one!

I don't know, he's kinda cute.

Meow.

Hi, buddy.

Rocky, buddy, don't get jealous. Looks like Otto got one.

Unbelievable.

Listen, I'll have you back in just a few minutes.

I mean, you can just leave your stuff here.

God, I don't know. I mean, motorcycles make me really nervous.

I've never been on one before.

Ah, well, there's nothing to get nervous about.

No?

No, just ask old Otto here.

Right, Otto?

Hi. How's my favorite secretary?

No. No, I don't want to talk to Russ.

I just need Jackie Johansson's address.

Yeah, I know you're not supposed to, but Russ wanted me to deliver some flowers to her.

So I... Why?

What's the problem? I just want her address, not her phone number.

Okay, thank you, Angel.

You...

Okay, let's go.

Thanks, babe. Bye.

Say nothing to it, huh?

John!

I'd like you to meet someone.

Yeah.

Would you believe the name?

This is Candy.

Hi, Candace.

Hi, John.

Where have you been hiding out?

Europe. I was there for a year.

You back for a while?

Yeah, I'm here doing some print work right now, so...

With the same agency?

The same agency.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute!

You guys know each other?

Well, let's just say that John was more of a fly on the windshield of my life.

Watch her, Harlow. She'll turn you inside out.

I don't believe you.

See ya.

Stay there, Ron.

Here, pussy, pussy.

Pussy.

Come here.

Here kitty kitty.

Can I help you?

Yeah, can I speak to the lady of the house, please?

Yeah, can I help you?

Yeah, I got a little six-week-old pet kitten. It jumped out of my car when I was talking to a friend.

I've been crawling through your bushes in the mud here trying to find it.

I just wanted to alert you so you didn't think I was a bird.

It's in the bushes.

Well, I think it's underneath the house.

Actually, it got in there through the crawlspace. I guess the lawn sprinkler scared it.

That's terrible. I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry. It's not your fault.

And look, you've ruined your suit.

Oh, the suit really means nothing to me at all. My only concern is for the kitten.

Look, if you hear crying or something, I'd really appreciate it if you'd call me, because I don't live very far away.

Of course I will.

John Ripley.

Aren't you an actor on a daytime television show?

Yeah, that's right.

I've never seen the show.

Good.

But I have seen your picture, and I've seen you interviewed on talk shows.

I'm Jackie Johansson. It's a pleasure to meet you.

John Ripley, my pleasure.

I'm really sorry about this whole thing.

I could maybe get my gardener to crawl under there.

No, I think that's the worst thing you could do.

Probably the best thing is to wait until it's quiet. It'll come out by itself.

I'm sorry I've got to cut this short. I'm really sorry about the disturbance.

Oh, I'll call you as soon as I hear it.

Okay, thanks very much. I really appreciate it.

what to do. Come on, bud. Come on.

Yo!

Oh, that's wonderful.

That's great, yeah.

Well, yeah, just give me a couple minutes to have a shower and change clothes and, uh...

Jackie, I don't know how to thank you.

Well, we'll think of something, yeah.

Right away.

Rocky, buddy.

We're in.

We're in like Flynn here.

That's for you.

No, it's a hybrid.

Are we finished with this course, sir?

I think so, yeah.

How about another bottle of Dom Perignon?

Sure.

Certainly.

You know, I've never known a man like you.

Someone that would crawl through the mud in an expensive suit to look for a kitten.

The suit means nothing to me.

I'm not a man.

I'm a man.

I'm a man.

I'm a man.

I'm a man.

I'm a man.

I'm a man.

I'm a man.

I'm a man.

I'm a man.

I'm a man.

I'm a man.

I'm a man.

I'm a man.

I'm a man.

I'm a man.

I'm a man.

I'm a man.

The suit means nothing to me.

I'm just glad you found her for me.

So, how long have you been out here?

Just a couple of weeks.

I moved out here from London.

You had to be involved with somebody back there, right?

I mean...

My husband.

Our divorce became final, and I moved out here for a fresh start.

This is none of my business.

If you don't want to answer, you don't have to.

What went wrong?

He just couldn't resist other women.

He was a weak man.

That's too bad people like that exist.

I'm beginning to think most men are like that.

That's not fair to generalize like that.

You don't fall into that category?

Jackie, I just want to make a few bucks, get a house, get married, have some kids.

So why haven't you?

I haven't met the right girl.

Thank you.

You just ordered our second dinner.

Are you planning to eat all this yourself?

Are you expecting company or what?

I'm known for my voracious eating habits.

With a figure like that, you must have the metabolism of a field mouse.

I heat up fast because I burn lots of energy.

Oh, yeah? What kind?

Sexual, mostly.

That's my favorite kind.

To tell you the truth, my ex-husband couldn't handle it.

I exhausted him.

That's the reason you left?

He said going to bed with me was like exercising a racehorse.

I like racehorses.

You say all the right things, don't you?

John, let me ask you something.

How far away do you live?

Not far.

Close.

Right around the corner.

Well, maybe we could have dessert at your place.

That's a great idea.

If you've got the whipped cream, I've got the peaches.

Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?

I think it's us.

What do you think?

Could we have the check, please?

Please excuse me for a moment.

We're even, thanks.

Thank you very much, sir.

So, uh, that be all, sir?

Yeah, could you tell me if Mrs. Johansson is still on the phone?

Mrs. Johansson? Uh, she left something for you, sir.

Dear John, by the time you receive this note, I will be on my way home.

I want to thank you for a most wonderful evening.

The food was delicious, the wine was exquisite, and the atmosphere was divine.

Only once in a lifetime does one meet such a warm, kind, sensitive and giving person like yourself.

However, John, I must inform you that the only pussy you will get tonight is in this basket.

Love, Jackie.

Hello?

So what the hell was head vanishing at, Jackie?

I think we're even after that routine you pulled with the kitten.

Routine? What do you mean?

You know exactly what I mean.

Meow.

What?

Meow.

Yo, how else was I supposed to meet you? I mean...

Did you ever try being honest?

Look, I just thought that a little ingenuity would...

It's not ingenuity. That's fraud.

Fraud? Well, I... I... It's hardly...

Fraud, John.

Well...

Well, yeah, it's fraud, but I...

I couldn't think of any other way to meet you.

I'd still like to see you.

Haven't you had enough yet?

No. I would still like to go out with you.

I'll do it your way. I'm being totally legitimate.

I'm asking you straight out for a date.

Well, maybe tomorrow morning.

All right, you name the time and the place, anywhere.

Well, I do know a place that's very special.

With a nice, warm, enchanting atmosphere.

Speaking of the wild man of the flesh,

I want you to turn with me in your Bibles to Romans, the seventh chapter.

And we'll begin looking at verse 12,

where it speaks of the wild man of the flesh,

who literally comes to hate himself.

His statement is,

O wretched man that I am,

who shall deliver me?

He must ask the Lord to give him victory over the carnal desires,

to quit dabbling in the flesh,

to thwart the devil and resist Satan.

The Spirit of God will rise against the ways of the flesh,

which craves its own fulfillment.

The wild man of the flesh,

on the day of judgment,

looks with begging eyes at the universal lawgiver,

and says,

What is the decision of this heavenly court?

The Bible is clear.

For the revelation, we come to the statement of the second death.

It speaks of the lake of fire prepared for the beast,

prepared for the devil,

prepared for the wicked,

and prepared for all of those whose names are not written down in the Lamb's book of life.

Let's bow our heads for a word of prayer.

So where are we going?

Someplace very special.

It's a nice, warm, enchanting atmosphere.

So you're not going to tell me?

Well, if I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise, would it?

You didn't tell me.

You didn't say it was going to be a surprise.

You didn't tell me. It was a complete surprise to me.

Yeah, but that was good for you. I don't know if this is going to be good for me.

This is going to be very good for you.

This is going to be very good.

This is something you won't find in London, believe me.

Something you don't find very often out here, in fact.

Don't tell her, Rocky. Don't you breathe a word.

He's here, he's here.

Hey.

How you doing, Andrew?

Come on, get out of there.

Come on.

Hey.

Come on, get out of there.

Come on.

How you doing?

I love your car.

This is Logan.

This is my buddy, Logan.

How you doing?

There's the wife, Bernie.

How you doing, Bernie?

Hey.

This is Uncle Augie.

How are you, buddy?

This is Jackie.

How you doing?

Sean!

Sean!

Good to see you.

This is my mom.

How you doing, Mom?

So glad to see you back and have you back, and I'm so glad to meet you, dear.

Did you get everybody's name already?

I think so.

Yeah, no problem.

Did you have a good treat?

Lord, bless this food and bless the people who are going to eat it.

Keep us healthy, well, and safe from harm.

Thank you for letting our son, John, come home for this meal and share our happiness with us.

And thank you for watching over him while he's away.

And now we're going to ask you to do the same for John's new friend.

We ask this in the name of your son, Lord Jesus Christ.

Amen.

This is a picture of me when I was young, when I was in my heyday.

And this is the man that I was in love with, my first love.

But this is a picture of me later, and this is the one I married.

And he's the one that gave me my babies.

These are my first babies, here.

I used to think my time was running down

Life had got the best of me

Love was just a broken dream

Knowing you has turned my life around

You mean everything to me

Loving you has set me free

I was a heart without a home

I was a love without a friend

When I hold you in my arms

I can feel the love we share

Now wherever I may go

And whatever I may do

I just want you to know

Forever I love you

Forever I love you

Love is more than just a short romance

Love is being born again

Love is like a second wind

Your love's given me another chance

I've got to reach out and take it

I know together we can make it

I was a heart without a home

I was a love without a friend

When I hold you in my arms

I can feel the love we share

Now wherever I may go

And whatever I may do

I just want you to know

Forever I love you

Loving when we touch

There is a chemistry between us

Wherever I may go

Wherever I may do

Forever

Forever I love you

Forever I love you

Forever I love you

Forever I love you

Come here.

Oh, God.

Come here.

What kind of a dog is this? A purse snatcher?

Well, Rocky's got some pretty strange habits. My apologies.

I'm Cynthia. Hi, I'm John. Nice to meet you.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Come on, Rocky. Let's go. Bye-bye.

Come here. Get in there.

Yo, guys!

Look where we stand!

This is highly fun. I'm a designer's boyfriend!

What do you think, huh?

Oh, yeah, well...

Come in. You're blocking traffic.

No, I got an early wardrobe call. You guys go ahead. Have a good time.

It's all right.

We'll be at Rusty's, all right?

We'll be over at Rusty's. You be there.

Say, ciao, baby!

Now for a nice cool moosehead beer.

It's rude in Canada.

Land of the long horns and the long riders.

And it's long on taste.

Cut.

Why don't you do it for your next shot?

Where do I go?

You don't know.

Alright, you got it.

You're great.

I have to go now.

I'll call you when we wrap.

Who are you?

I'm Diane.

Your wardrobe girl.

So where's my wardrobe?

If you're gonna decide on your wardrobe, you're gonna have to turn around.

Excuse me, my skirt keeps riding up.

Your lips are so soft and sensual.

I'd better put this on.

Diana, I don't think you understand. I'm in love with somebody.

That's my favorite kind.

Uh, no, you don't...

Shh! John, every man in his lifetime is entitled to at least one weak moment.

And yours has come.

I forgot my portfolio.

Jackie!

I forget about her, okay?

She's history.

Come on, you got a disease here.

Pecoritis.

You're being led down the path of life by your pecker.

When you die, John, I'm gonna have you cremated, I'm gonna take your ashes, and I'm gonna spread

them all over the Playboy Mansion.

Yeah, you're one to be talking about pecoritis.

I don't let it interfere with my responsibilities, John.

What's the difference between you and me?

You can have all of these girls, is that so bad?

Monogamy is in your lifestyle, John.

Never has been and never will be.

Come on!

Come on!

What time is it?

All right, now, you're gonna... you made me late for an appointment, okay?

Now, I want you to go back to work, forget about the girl before you get written off

the show.

Period.

I don't want to lose the ten percent.

All right?

Yeah, all right.

Give me some.

Take it easy.

What do you think, Rocky?

Somebody trying to tell us something?

So many miles to separate

It's just so strange, man

For me to be here all alone

And you were over there, I need you tonight

My faraway love

Hey, we're having a great time tonight.

And our next contestant from Long Beach,

Miss Karen Leland.

Karen, you want to come out?

Guys, say hello.

Hi, Karen.

How are you?

How are you?

That's my beautiful wife.

Oh, beautiful.

Also from Long Beach, we have Miss Dawn Miller.

Dawn, let's hear it for Dawn.

Woo!

Woo!

Woo!

We love Dawn.

Next from the Champanada Valley, we have

the Canadian alum,

Mr. Secretary for Economics.

Hey, well, listen, you came up with some pretty good stories

yourself in between jobs.

Also we have, from the Valley,

Miss Trudy Adams,

an original Valley girl.

An original Valley girl.

I'm home.

I don't know if I'm ready for this.

Will you quit worrying?

Enjoy yourself.

And last but not least,

we have a lady from Florida.

She's a former Miss Grapefruit.

I would like to introduce to you,

Miss Nancy Burton.

Nancy.

As you all know, the winner of Miss Jailbait is gonna receive a screen test

from a soon-to-be-produced feature film.

Screen test? What kind of scam is this?

John, the older you get, the more creative you must prepare.

Now, there is nothing like a beauty contest to smoke out the local talent.

Enjoy it!

Yeah, we'll corral them up, take them over to Russ's for a little shitty biggie.

You know, it's like flocking geese to a Thanksgiving banquet.

Yeah, come Thanksgiving, we'll be in jail for fraud.

So let's give everybody a hand. All the girls.

Our prominent judges. We're honored to have you here tonight.

And all of you in the audience, thank you very, very much for coming.

We'll be right back.

John, you mean to tell me that if you had the chance to nail Miss Grapefruit, you'd pass?

Morning Nancy

Get you a glass of grapefruit juice or something when can I meet your agent?

Not hello or good morning, but when can I meet your agent?

I've never seen such a mercenary. Oh, no, that's not true

Russ seven a party today. We can stop by when

Soon as you're ready

Great oh

And I'm not a mercenary

What do you think, Rocky?

My sentiments exactly.

How do I look?

Like somebody with a purpose.

Gee, I bet you say that to all the girls.

God.

Who's here? Hi.

Hi.

Remember Nancy Burton, Dr. Russ?

Do I remember Nancy? I voted for Nancy.

Really?

Yes, I did. Miss Grapefruits, right?

I'm impressed.

Uh, Russ, um...

I'd like to talk to you about representation sometime.

Can you tell me when would be convenient?

Nancy, don't beat around the bush. Just get right to the point, okay?

I've got what it takes, Russ.

I think that's obvious.

I mean it. I mean it.

But look, why don't you go up to the pool,

have a... have a hot dog,

and then we'll talk about it later, okay?

Can I get you one?

No, but I'll take a beer. How's that? Okay?

Same.

She any good?

She's a mercenary. That's about all I get these days.

Out for the gold, huh?

Yeah, no question about it.

Well...

I always said,

if you use gold digger bait, you get gold diggered.

At least that's been my experience.

Broth, I'm flat broke.

I'm delinquenting my mortgage payments.

They're about to repossess my car.

And you're out here chipping golf balls

on your big green lawn.

There's something weird about that.

John, you're an artist.

Artists are supposed to suffer.

Meanwhile, the middleman takes the A train to Fat City.

You get all the glory. That's all I get is money.

What are you talking about?

And besides that, it's hard to believe

it's floating around town that that's all you're in the business for

is the fringe benefits anyway.

Nasty rumor, isn't it?

I don't understand how rumors like that get started.

It really burns me.

Well, look, I set you up for a commercial interview

and you didn't even want to go on it on Wednesday, right?

I only do a certain kind of commercial.

Well, I got another one for you today.

It's 3 o'clock at the Crossroads.

Please go on it.

So, in essence, it's the princess and the frog.

And see, when the princess kisses the frog,

the frog becomes this handsome cowboy,

which convinces us that we should brush our teeth

with hyperglyme.

Okay? You got that? Great.

Okay. Oh, by the way, what's your name?

John Ripley.

John, John.

We're going to be doing three of these beauties, okay?

We're going to be doing a pig, a toad, and a rooster.

So, let's start with the toad hop first.

The toad hop?

Don't be embarrassed.

You're among friends here.

Listen, some of the biggest actors in the business

are doing commercials.

Okay? Good.

Uh, Linda, you want to come over here, please?

Okay, a little, uh, little recap now.

Uh, hop like a toad, croak, and then, uh,

Linda will give you a little, uh, peck on the cheek.

All right?

I'm, I'm not sure I know what you mean.

Uh, just hop like a toad.

Okay.

Okay?

On action now.

Action.

That's fantastic.

That's fantastic.

But, John, I feel that you're holding back.

I need more from you.

Much, much more, all right?

Let's try it again.

Take it on action.

And action.

Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit.

Something's not, something's not working here.

How, how's your rooster?

Uh, I don't have one.

Hey, hey, that's, that's funny.

No, seriously, I'd like to hear you do a rooster.

I can do a chicken.

That.

That's a chicken.

I want you to do a rooster, John.

Great.

Uh.

Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit.

Thanks for coming in.

Oh, my pleasure.

Appreciate it.

We'll be talking to you.

Sure, thanks very much.

Uh-huh.

Bye.

Bye-bye now.

I'm gonna be jumping around like a goddamn frog all over the room.

I'm not an animal.

You're an actor.

That's what you're supposed to do.

That was the job.

I don't do that.

Then I don't know what you're gonna do, John.

Maybe you should get a job driving an ice cream truck.

Get a newspaper reel.

I told you I wasn't right for the commercial.

It's bad feedback.

Bad feedback.

It's bad feedback.

What about the tapes I did for CBS last month?

You said they were terrific.

I lied.

You wanna know the truth?

They were terrible.

If CBS made 10,000 copies, they could sell them to insomniacs throughout the country and make a fortune.

That's how good your tapes were.

I shouldn't have said that.

I'm sorry.

Forgive me.

Forgive me.

John you had this great appeal

You were good

But you didn't want to work at

And because of that I can't be your agent anymore

What I just think you should find another agent

Sorry I

Want to be a friend John

Call me

We'll get together

Your dog.

Uh, no, uh, yeah, it is.

Rocky, come here. Sit down.

Come here.

Lord, this has been one hell of a day.

First I broke a fingernail, got my hair caught in an elevator,

dropped and broke a bottle of mouthwash in the supermarket,

cab driver then kicked me out of his cab,

then this dog grabs me, and, well, here I am.

I'm expecting my wife. You can't sit here.

You're just prejudiced.

If you were a real gentleman, you'd buy a lady a drink.

You got some mouthwash or some chewing gum or something?

John!

Jackie.

How have you been?

Great. Super.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

Not at all.

John, this is, uh, Rolf Daniels.

I'm Ramona.

Nice to meet you, Ramona.

Well, um, we'll leave you two to your conversation.

Nice to see you again.

Bye-bye.

I've seen him on the Merv Griffin show. He's a famous writer.

A writer?

Yes.

What would you like to drink, Ramona?

Now, that's the way to treat a lady.

Jackie, my dear, they have a delightful pate

of salmon, whitefish and trout

with pistachios in a tart white sauce

decorated with tarragon leaves and asparagus tips.

And, of course, the fresh salmon is marinated, not smoked,

and served in thin slices with fresh dill

and rosettes of sour cream.

Jackie?

Were you ever a waiter?

Good God, no.

Why ever would you ask me a thing like that?

The salmon sounds fine.

Good.

Ralph Daniels to the telephone area. Mr. Ralph Daniels.

You'll have to excuse me, Jackie. I'm terribly sorry.

I told my lawyer to phone me at 8.30.

Hello?

How would you like to meet an attractive lady with a very, very interesting story to tell?

Who is this?

I just look to your right and you'll see.

Lover boy, I've got a story that's going to crisp your tortilla.

Stop! That's quite far enough.

You stay away from me.

Oh, come on now.

You're not supposed to be in here. Now get out!

Oh yeah? What does this look like to you?

Oh my God!

Hi, I just wanted to come over and say hello.

Can I sit down?

Sure.

So who's your friend?

That's not my friend. That's just somebody Rocky snagged by mistake.

Rocky must be getting old.

Yeah, he is.

You look great.

Thanks.

You look really tired, John.

It's all long hours. I've been working hard.

Jackie, I'm a changed man.

You'll never change, John.

You're incorrigible.

And you've never really known what's important.

Give me a chance to prove that.

That sounds fair enough.

John, this matchbook cover has two phone numbers on it.

So?

And I'll bet...

Business numbers.

Old girls, no guys.

Well, I'm a single man. Of course I'm going to have a few numbers.

Look, I know my rights.

You don't have to push so hard either.

He...

She...

She...

Tried to molest me.

So you've changed, huh?

Looks like you still have your old tricks, John.

Look, what I'm going to do is I'm going to call your agent,

and leave my number, and then you can call me back.

Don't forget these numbers, John.

You may need them when you resume your social life.

You certainly keep some very peculiar company, Mr. Ripley.

Let's go.

Rocky Rocky Rock

John, sorry.

Internal hemorrhage.

You can also leave the train and brutalize.

Where's the rent check, Robert D.?

It's an out-of-state check. I'm waiting for it to clear.

Should be clear by Wednesday.

When it better clear, you'll be searing out.

You'll be sleeping in a tent in Griffith Park.

You have the picture?

Yeah, I got it. Thanks.

Yeah.

I would say nostalgia is bigger than it used to be.

Oh yeah, nostalgia is coming back very strong.

Actors and actresses who played the stars and starlets of the past,

we're getting calls from all over, from major charities, from film companies,

I mean, you've never seen anything like it.

It's really becoming a very, very important business.

I told you, I can give you Gable, I can give you Cooper, I can't give you Flynn.

He washed up on the beach on Saturday.

Yeah, it was terrible.

Uh, listen, can I call you back in a little while? I got somebody here.

Okay, thanks.

You all right? Want some water?

No.

No question, no question, you are a dead ringer for John Ripley, no question.

I stood out.

Did any strangers ever take any swings at you?

Yeah!

Uh, no.

What's your name again? I'm sorry.

Uh, Tom. Tom Clark.

Tom, yeah.

You know, John Ripley was never a major celebrity.

He couldn't act at all.

He had the women come in through the front door and going out the back.

That's what I heard, yeah.

He was a stiff that got lucky.

Yeah, I thought we could have some interest.

With the bored housewives in the smaller towns.

I wonder what happened to that guy anyway.

He's a big star in Europe, yeah, a big star.

Well, God bless him.

Did you ever meet him?

No.

He was shorter than me.

He had a high squeaky voice.

They had to dub his voice.

They dubbed everything he did anyway.

Yeah, I heard that.

It's Hollywood, right? Am I right?

Yeah.

The land of dreams.

Well, Tom, right?

I think we could work something out.

We're all going to the polo club in Burbank on Saturday.

Do you think you can make it?

Sure.

Well, good.

Give me a call this afternoon.

We'll work out the specifics.

You mind if I call you R.J., Mr. Jacobs?

You bet.

Get yourself some flashy clothes.

You know, shave, spruce up a little bit.

Ripley was a fashionable guy, very chic.

Okay.

And see if you can find a big white dog.

He always went around with a big white dog.

I don't know if I can get a dog on such short notice.

Don't worry about it.

It's no bother.

Just give me a call, okay?

All right.

See you.

Okay?

Just while I think about it,

I'm a little tapped at present.

I was thinking maybe if you could see your way clear,

give me an advance, maybe a couple hundred bucks,

something like that.

I'm sorry.

That's against company policy.

I can't.

Can you give me a call this afternoon and we'll work it out?

Okay, thanks a lot.

Okay.

48 more days.

48 more days.

You know, somebody once said that if your friends who'd be waiting for you the day you got out of jail...

Yeah, there's not too many of those, Russ.

I found that out the hard way.

But you hear, John...

I'll never forget it, John.

Never. You'd be there for me.

At least I haven't wasted my time since I've been in here.

I want you to be the first one to read my book.

It's almost finished.

I'd love to read your new book.

You got a title?

The Poupee Termigant.

The Poupee Termigant? What's a Termigant?

A Termigant is a...

is a shrewish, bickering woman.

It's the girl who got me into this mess.

A Termigant in the Poupee, stage 13!

I saw the picture in the paper. She looked at least 16.

16!

She looked 18 if she looked a day!

I was stunned, John! I'm still stunned!

Russ, we were all stunned.

This book is an expose on the inner workings of the Poupee Termigant.

But not only that, the female mind in general...

they are bitches!

And I hate them!

No.

That's the difference between you and me, Reyes.

They stink, John.

You'll see.

First you say one thing, then you say another, then everybody switches back around again.

You're tearing me apart!

Now listen, Scarlet, I've been told you don't smoke.

Some people say you don't drink.

Now, surely, honey, there must be something you can do.

I've been told you're a pretty hard boozer, Scarlet.

That's why I'm going back to Tar.

Oh, Marty.

Now, here's the plot to the fault.

Two guys, Jacoby and Thursby, were killed by a guy named Wilmer.

Wilmer, he was a little guy with a big .45.

He was working for Guttman when you couldn't miss Guttman.

He weighed at least 300 pounds.

An old fellow, Kyra, was with them.

All three making a big fuss for a black bird who got nailed trying to blow town.

How do a cop and my partner's dad miles, aren't you?

And that's where the dame came into play.

That's why I'm going to Florida.

Millionaires.

Flacks of them.

They all fly south for the winter, just like birds.

Oh, just thinking of all that money gives my legs so many goose bumps.

Why's everybody laughing? Do I look like I'm in my 70s?

Gee, I feel like I'm in the house of wax.

Maybe this is the house of wax.

Come on, Tom. Do your thing.

Don't stand here like a garden slug.

Do some Ripley.

I thought I was.

You know, you used to talk out of the side of his mouth like this.

Twist his shoulders like some faggot.

Walk like he had a cob up his ass.

Hey, do I have to tell you how to do it?

You know how to do it. Now get with it, man.

Don't just stand here freeloading on the roof.

Let me alone.

Keep your voice down, will you?

I'm trying to work here, okay?

Excuse me.

I said my fans get a little bit emotional.

Take a minute.

Get out of here now.

Come on.

Let me alone.

Keep your voice down, will you?

Hey.

Let go, pal.

Anyway, I'm not.

Let go.

Looks like you're having fun.

Rotten life, anyway.

Shh.

It's all right.

It holds well.

Relax.

Hey.

They loved you.

You were great.

You really think so?

Hey, I know talent when I see it.

And you were great.

Thanks.

Hey, nice going.

Nice going.

That's what I'm talking about.

Who was that guy?

It's Mickey Pineo.

He is the best Bogart in the business.

But he's a total psychotic.

I hate using him.

Oh, he still works for you?

Yeah, but he's nuts.

Completely nuts.

Always hanging around.

He had a case on her.

Hey, you were good.

Yeah.

You okay?

I think I'm going to have a bruise on my shoulder.

Doesn't look too bad.

Hey, I really like you.

Did I say thank you?

No.

Okay, let's go.

Look-a-likes, come on.

Channel 3 News is here.

Marilyn, come on.

Let's go, everybody.

Hey.

How are you?

Nice to meet you.

I can't talk to this guy.

No, you talk to him.

I don't understand him. I never have.

Hey, listen, Mac, are you working today?

John!

You two know each other?

Hey, listen, give me a couple drinks, will you?

You look familiar. I've seen you somewhere.

What are you doing here?

Working.

Doing what, tending Bob?

I'm the John Ripley look-alike.

Well, who's more qualified?

Well, actually, I took five callbacks, and...

You look great.

Still going out with that other guy?

Which one?

Oh, there's more than one, huh?

Sure. Just like you, John.

Oh, hey, I just want to be part of your stable.

You're too old.

Where's Rocky?

He died last spring.

He's buried out at the farm.

I'm sorry.

Nobody lives forever.

The farm.

That was a real nice memory.

I think about it often.

I think about it too.

Well, if it isn't the big man.

The biggest man in town.

Well, talk to me, big man.

We already had our talk. Why don't you just go relax?

He's my pal.

My pal and I are going to have lots of fun together, huh?

He fooled me.

Look, I'm talking to a friend of mine. Why don't you just go home, okay?

What's the matter, huh? Don't you want to be a big hero anymore?

I like to shoot him in the belly and then watch him roll around on the ground.

Where are you going?

You're not going anywhere.

We got him.

John Ripley!

Let it come.

Although you are not what we consider malicious, at the same time, you have lived in constant violation of the code.

You went from woman to woman without an iota of consideration for any of them.

With all due respect, St. Peter, I cared about them all.

Oh! Well, we're always willing to be fair, John.

I'll pick three women at random out of your past, and we'll see if you can remember their names.

Let's start with that one.

Hello, John.

First runner up is Oklahoma, I remember well.

Her name, John?

Uh... give me a second. I've got it.

You remember them, don't you, John?

Sally.

Sarah.

Her name is Susan.

Well, I knew it started with an S.

Hello, John. How have you been?

Uh... I remember the legs.

Uh... give me a hint.

John, how could you not remember?

It was on top of your car that one hot summer night in Malibu.

Uh... I remember very well. Deborah!

How many other women have you had on top of your car anyway?

Just a couple. A few.

What's that?

An emissary from the Prince of Darkness, John.

He has some kind of notion that you belong to him.

Now, wait a minute! This case is not closed!

I'd like another chance.

Another chance?

Well, why not? You had one.

I mean, everybody knows you messed up three times when you were on the planet.

And yet there was forgiveness for you. You got another chance.

Otherwise, you wouldn't be sitting here today.

What do you propose?

I'd like to return...

and have the chance to prove to you that I can be true to the only woman I was ever really in love with.

Jackie Johansson.

It's not going to be that easy, John.

The fact remains you have been selfish, never having gone out of your way for anyone.

You cared for no one but yourself.

That's not true. There are plenty of people I cared about.

Really?

Then that will be the test.

If there is anyone that John Ripley truly cared about, let them come forward now.

Nobody's gonna turn up, John.

Thank you very much.

Well, John, miraculously, someone has come forward to speak on your behalf.

Allow me to intervene, Saint Peter.

I have no objection if you give him another chance.

You see, I have plenty of time.

The Lake of Fire is eternal.

And based on his previous experience, he'll be right back here again.

But next time, there will be no hearing.

He comes directly to me.

His friend, Rocky, comes with him.

If that's agreeable to everyone.

Agreed, John?

Agreed.

You seem to be feeling better.

You're free to leave now.

Thanks, I'll just call somebody to get me a lift.

You've got a ride.

Just go out to the parking area.

You'll see.

Excuse me, Mr. Ripley?

Yeah.

Could I have your autograph?

Yeah, sure.

You must have a great memory. You're a real buff, huh?

Oh, yeah. I watch Shadow of Turmoil every day.

It's my favorite program.

Thank you.

I'm sorry they speak in all day but I can't help it.

They're attractive too.

They're very attractive.

You kiss girls with that mouth?

I kiss women with it.

Oh, tuck the shit in.

John, where the hell have you been?

You're gonna rewrite this show.

Where's Jackie?

Jackie?

Why?

Because I'm gonna find her and I'm gonna marry her.

We're talking serious business here.

You bring up marriage?

You're her agent.

You should know where she is.

Where is she?

I don't know where she is.

She's out of town for a couple of days.

She's not gonna talk to you anyway so you may as well forget about her.

She'll talk to me, man, because it's over.

I've reformed.

I'm through womanizing.

It's over.

I know where you've been.

You've been in the hospital getting your frontal lobotomy removed.

If you guys don't reform you're going to hell in a grease bowl.

I'm telling you right now.

I'm telling you right now.

I'm telling you right now.

I'm telling you right now.

I'm telling you right now.

This guy has a hole in his brain big enough to drift the hind in third street.

Hey Russ, what do you think he meant by a grease hole?

And brothers, how well we know this story.

The story of men like you and men like me,

who while in love with one woman,

yielded to temptation by another.

See, we're all victims of a disease

that's led us astray from the path once or twice.

But we're here today, together,

to make an effort, both collectively and individually,

to remain true to our loved ones.

Excuse me for interrupting.

But someone's parked their white Corvette in front of my driveway.

Could the owner please come and move it?

I have to go to dance class.

Sorry for interrupting.

Now we all know the womanizer is speeding down that path towards a dark and treacherous doom.

And I can't tell you what it's so good to turn around and see a brother here,

somebody to talk to, somebody who understands.

Understands that cold turkey with these hot chicks is the only way to go.

Rocky, listen to me.

Jackie!

I'm a changed man!

I'm completely reformed!

Get out of the car!

Alright, Jackie. Big smile here. Big smile. Alright, pick up Hawaiian Tropic.

That's it. That's it. Smile. Perfect! I love that one. That's it. Perfect. Alright, one more.

Hey, JR, look at that.

Jackie's left a view. I don't believe it.

What a jerk.

He made a grandstand right back there.

Yes.

Take part in this shoot.

Fire in the hole.

Fire in the hole.

Look at this.

I don't believe.

Jackie, please. Please, just listen to me.

Jackie, I've reformed.

And please, just give me a chance to prove it.

Jackie, let's go. We have some people to meet at Gladstones.

Jackie?

We're supposed to go to Gladstones.

I'm going, Jackie.

I'm going.

I'm going.

Jackie?

All right, I'm going.

Jackie, I'm leaving.

Jackie!

We have gathered here in the sight of God and in the presence of these witnesses.

to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony.

What about me, John?

Within this holy estate, these persons shall now be joined.

You can have us all.

John, wilt thou have this woman for thy wedded wife?

Don't do it, John.

Have this woman for thy wedded wife!

John!

Wilt thou have this woman for thy wedded wife?

John!

Wilt thou have this woman for thy wedded wife?

Let's go!

God speaks about the wild man of the flesh.

On the path of life, I am Becker.

You never really know what's important.

He was a stiff dick, I'm lucky.

He's not an artist!

We got him back. Stabilize him.

How are you feeling?

Where am I this time?

You're in good hands, John Ripley.

You were clinically dead for several minutes.

By some miracle, you're getting another chance at life.

Thank you, nurse.

I saw a lot of strange things.

Visions?

Yeah, I guess.

That's very common.

I'd like to hear about them sometime.

In the meantime, take it easy, at least for the first few days.

No strenuous activities, okay?

You're a very lucky man.

Doctor.

Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

Oh, uh...

I think this belongs to you.

I'm sorry to disturb you, but I've got a six-week-old pet puppy that got out of my car while I was talking to a friend.

And I've been crawling around the bushes and through the mud looking for it.

And I just wanted to alert you so you didn't think I was a burglar.

It's in the bushes.

Well, I think it could be under the house.

It got out of there through the crawl space.

Could have been the hose that made it crawl under there.

Johnny...

Johnny boy...

Don't go inside, Johnny.

Come on over here and see me.

I need you.

Johnny...

Come...

Come over and have me, Johnny.

Johnny...

Come on...

Johnny...

Damn it!

How do you like that?

All right.

Well, that's it for John Ripley.

I'll just cross him right off my list.

There.

Now, what next?

Let's see...

Who will my next victim be?

I know!

You're next!

I used to think my time was running down

Life had got the best of me

Love was just a broken dream

Knowing you have turned my life around

You mean everything to me

Loving you has set me free

I was a heart without

I was alone without a friend

When I hold you in my arms

I can feel the love we share

Now wherever I may go

And whatever I may do

I just want you to know

Forever I love you

Forever I love you

Love is more than just a short romance

Love is being born again

Love is like a second wind

Your love's giving me another chance

I've got to reach out and take it

I know together we can make it

I want a heart without a home

I want a love without a prayer

With my arms I can feel the love we share

Now wherever I may go

And whatever I may do

I just want you to know

Forever I'll love you

There is a magic when we touch

There is a chemistry between us

Wherever I may go

Wherever I may do

Forever

Forever I'll love you

Forever I'll love you

Forever I'll love you

Forever I'll love you