All language subtitles for Ron White - 2009 - behavioral problems ENG2

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[ audience cheering,
applauding ]

thank you, seattle.

Thank you and welcome,
and thank you for a day
without rain.

I don't know
how that happened.

I want you to know that
I just got some great news
that I'm excited about.

I just got
a development deal picked up.
It's a new reality show.

It's an extreme makeover show
for middle-age lesbians
called...

This old bull dyke.

We already have a sponsor.
Wolverine steel-toed boots
has picked it up.

We had another title,
but the censors nixed it.

It was originally gonna be
called pimp my muff.

I am stayin' tonight-- or
this week at the hotel 1000,

and would like to talk
for just a second
about their toilets.

They've got
the best toilets ever, man.
They're ama-

You won't even believe this
if you've never seen
one of these things.

Number one, the seat is heated.
Now, that doesn't sound
like a lot.

But if you're used to
a cold toilet seat, and then
you sit on a warm toilet seat,

it's nice.
[ chuckles ]

it, like, relaxes
your bowel muscles,
and kind of...

Just helps you crap,
you know.

It's really nice.

And then on the wall,
there's some buttons,

and one of them says "rear
cleansing," and one of them
says "front cleansing."

And there's a diagram of a guy
sittin' on a toilet...

With a stream of water
shootin' up his ass.

So I pushed a button,

and all of a sudden
i'm that guy.

I am.

I am sittin' on the toilet
with a stream of water
shootin' up my ass,

and it's amazing...

How accurate this thing is.

I don't know if
everybody's butthole is in
the exact same place,

but this thing has got me
dead center.

Then there's another button
below that button,
and it says "oscillate."

And I said, "why not?"

now I have a rotating stream
of water shootin' up my ass,

and it was at that moment
that I realized...

That 50,000,000 gay men
can't be wrong.

I'm singing songs
to this toilet.
I'm in love.

* I honestly love you

my wife caught me spreadin'
cake on my ass just so
I could go wash it off.

"is that cake?"

"no.

"i gotta go to the bathroom.

Don't wait up."

I'm gonna try
to tell you this story.

This happened on tuesday.

I'm goin' home from the petsmart
in the car with two dogs
and a wife.

My wife says I gotta stop
at the bank, and I say "shit,"
or whatever I said.

Uh, because
I don't go in the bank.
Everybody knows that.

I stay in the car
with the dogs. She says,
"i'll be five minutes."

But there's absolutely
no such thing as five minutes
with this woman.

And she goes in,
and I know the dogs
need to pee.

At our bank,
there's one piece
of manicured lawn...

That has two signs
that both say...

"no dogs."

So I took my dogs
over there.

This guy comes waddlin' out
of the bank with a big scowl
on his face,

and he goes,
"the sign says 'no dogs.'"

I said, "the sign's wrong.

That sign should say
'two dogs.'"

I saw a commercial the
other day, and I really don't
understand the organization,

and I really don't understand
who they think they're
ever gonna help.

It was for
a company called...

Www.don'tshakeababy.com.

Now, I'm not gonna
get up here and take
a big pro-baby-shaking stance,

so you can go ahead
and relax, seattle.

But I don't know
who they're supposed to help,

because if you're
such an inbred,
meth-head shit-hook...

That you would consider
shakin' a baby,

the only thing that's gonna
help you is a beheading.

[ cheering, applause ]
no, no, no, no, no.

Now, I know there's people
in the audience tonight going,

"but ron, ron, ron-- but ron!

What if the baby's
askin' for it?"

don't shake a baby!

"what if I can't
find my car keys
and I've looked everywhere?"

yeah, even then.

I went onto
www.don'tshakeababy.com,

and they have links
to similar web sites.

They have a link to
www.don't-stick-your-dick-
In-a-toaster.com,

and... They have a link...

To www.don't-shove-a-ferret-
In-your-ass.com.

And there's a lot of reasons
why you don't want a ferret
in your ass,

because they're
not like gerbils.

They've got fangs
and claws and--
[ growling ]

a lot of shit you don't need
in your ass, man.

I got a ferret
in my ass right now.

I was at the hotel on the toilet
a while ago, and he popped
his head out of my butt,

started washin' his face
in that little oscillatin'
stream of water.

"is that cake?"

"no!

it's certainly not cake."

I got in a little trouble.
Did you guys hear
anything about that?

[ cheering ]

i'll tell ya what happened.
I had two sold-out shows
in fort pierce, florida.

We were gonna land
in vero beach, florida.

I have an airplane that
you guys, uh, bought me.

Thank you.
[ lisping ]
it's nice.

It is really cool.
We land in vero beach,

and when we land I look out
the window and there's
three cops standin' there.

Which is no big deal to me,
because cops love me
and so do firemen.

A lot of times
i'll get a police escort
from the airport to the venue,

and this, uh,
wasn't one of those times.

I got out of the plane
and there was a cop there,
and he said,

"mr. White, we've been told
that there are drugs on this
plane by an anonymous tip."

I said, "there are absolutely no
drugs on that plane." I did have
a little bit of weed in my bag,

but I wasn't on the plane,
so technically I'm not lyin'
to this guy, but--

And he goes, "well, do you mind
if we search the aircraft?"

I said, "you absolutely cannot
search this aircraft unless
you have probable cause,

because I still have
civil liberties,
you know what I mean?"

I do.
[ cheering ]

they said, "okay, well,
we just want the drug dog
to walk by it a couple times.

I said, "fine,"
and the drug dog
walks by a couple times.

Guy goes, "well, the dog
gave us the signal that
there are drugs on the plane."

I'm like, "no, he didn't.
That dog didn't do anything.
I was starin' straight at him.

"he didn't wink, blink,
woof or paw.

"what's his signal,
a blank stare?

That's all he did."

He goes, "the dog says
there's drugs on the plane."

"i said there wasn't drugs
on the plane. Who are you gonna
believe? Me or the--

Fuck, never mind, you know?"

now, I've got a show to go to.
They spend an hour and a half
goin' through this plane.

An hour and a half,
and I'm just sittin'
there goin', "oh, come on."

And they get finished.
Of course, there is
no drugs on the plane.

I knew there wasn't. I assume
now they're gonna let me go,
and I'll go do my show.

I was like, "well, that's fine.
You know, whatever."

Then they go, "well,
now the dog needs to sniff
that bag on your shoulder."

I was like--
[ imitates scooby-doo ]
"ruh-roh!"

they found seven-eighths
of a gram of marijuana...

In my bag.

Now, when I have seven-eighths
of a gram of marijuana,

I consider myself to be...
Out of marijuana.

That is no weed.

And it's medical marijuana. It
was prescribed to me by a doctor
in california where I live.

I told the cop that.

He said, "what did you
tell the doctor to get
a prescription for marijuana?"

I said, "the doctor said,
'do you have any symptoms that
marijuana helps alleviate?'

I said, 'well, I get bummed
when I run out of weed.'"

marijuana cures that.

They handcuffed me...

And put me in the back of
a cop car and took me to jail.

Now, I'm not whinin' about that.
I broke the law. That's fine.
But fuck, this is florida.

These cops drove by three
meth labs and a dead hooker
just to get there.

They processed me through county
jail. For whatever reason,
I had a bunch of cash on me.

I'd been on the road
for a while. Now they gotta
count it in front of me.

This guy comes over and goes--
[ redneck accent ] "i'm gonna
have to count that money.

You're gonna have to watch."
I'm like, "fuck. Not you."

This money's in
banded $5,000 stacks.

He picks one of 'em up
and he goes, "one mississippi"--

He didn't really say
"mississippi," but he
fucking could have.

"two mississippi."
I go, "you can't do it
that way. It'll take forever.

"just take the band off
and start counting
one, two, three, four, five.

When you get to 50,
that's 5,000. Then just
start the next stack."

He goes,
"that's a good idea."

That's what he said.

So he counts the second stack,
and he goes,
"hey, buddy, wait a minute.

There's only 42 in this one."
I said, "oh, that's okay.

"just get eight more out of
this one, put it in this one.
Now you have two stacks of 50.

That's $10,000."
I'm teachin' this motherfucker
how to count!

I was in jail for an hour
and a half. I don't know
how word gets out so fast,

but when I walk out of the jail
there's a big truckload of kids,

and they have these signs
that say "free tater."

I've had the weirdest things
happen lately.

I had to fly
from lax to atlanta...

To see some lawyers
and a dentist, the combination
platter of wonderful days.

My plane was broken,
and when my plane's broken,
my friends do not give a shit.

They're like,
"oh, poor baby.

"is your plane broken?

You have to take
a commercial flight
like every-fuckin'-body else."

But it's not like it used to be.
Either that or I'm losin' touch,
you know,

because I'm standin' in line,
I got a first-class ticket,

and I get up to the front
of the line, and there isn't
anybody there.

It's just a kiosk
with a computer terminal.

I'm not good at computers,
and I don't wanna touch
this thing...

Because it's got
grease and dirt...

And what I can only
pray to jesus is merengue.

But it works pretty good,
you know.

I swiped my card through there
and up pops a diagram
of the aircraft.

And it shows all the seats
on the plane,

and it shows which ones
are occupied so you can
choose your own seat.

That is almost a great idea.

What would make that
a great idea is if
there was a photograph...

Of the person
sittin' in that chair.

And about a five-minute
bio clip tellin' you
a little bit about 'em,

and what their breath
smells like.

Right? 'cause I pick my seat,
and I'm in first class,

so as soon as I walk into
the cabin I can see my chair,

and sittin' right next to me
is a big, fat fuck.

Now-- now, I know I'm heavy,
but I'm not a big, fat fuck.

This guy was a big, fat fuck,

and part of him
is in my chair.

And I don't know if it's
part of him I can sit on.

Hey, I've got a little tip
for the morbidly obese,

and I don't mean
to sound cruel,

but once you get
to 550 pounds,

stay home and go
for the record.

I'll sponsor you.

Write "tatersalad.com"
on your gut,

and... I'll send peaches
over there.

Peaches?

Why wouldn't I send pizzas?

I'll send peaches
and a salad.

"but where would be
the comedy, Mr. White?"

oh, so you're all hung up
about that, huh?

Okay, I'm just gonna try to
do that line right just in case
we decide to do it that way.

I'll send pizzas over there!

[ mouths word ]

[ cheers, laughter ]

"oh, that is funny!
He said pizzas.
[ laughing ]

oh, Mr. White.
Boy, he's rich tonight."

I get to atlanta,
and I check into
the ritz-carlton hotel.

The next morning
I go to take a shower,
and there's no hot water.

I call the front desk and I tell
the girl at the front desk,
I said, "there's no hot water."

The girl at the front desk
said, "sometimes there's
no hot water."

"didn't I just tell you that?"

I said, "I've stayed in
$20-a-night motels.

The water was so hot you could
cook your nuts with it."

She said, "well, every once
in a while, everybody'll wake up
at the same time,

"and they all take a shower
at the same time,

and we just run
smack outta hot water."

"you guys didn't
think about that?

"they thought about it
at the motel 6.

"but that whole concept of
people wake up in the morning
with shit to do...

Got right by
the ritz-carlton hotel."

So I take a nice, cold shower.
Then I gotta go meet
with these lawyers.

Now-- and I hate lawyers.
I just can't stand 'em,

and I hate 'em worse than
you do, no matter how much--

Have you ever seen a video
of that guy shootin' his lawyer?

And his lawyer's tryin' to hide
behind that little tree,
and he just keeps shoot--

That's the funniest fuckin'
thing I've ever seen
in my goddamn life.

I've got that on my video ipod,
and if I just need a chuckle...

Sometime during the day,
I just hit the play button.

Play. "pow, pow, pow, pow!"
[ laughing ]

play. "pow, pow, pow!"
[ laughing ]

play. "pow"--
I do that till I come.

Then I gotta go to the dentist.
You see how my day's shapin' up:
cold shower, lawyers, dentist.

The trifecta
of fucked-up days.

And I couldn't eat because
of what I had to do there.

So now it's 2:30
in the afternoon, and I--

Before I finish this story,
I will admit that
i'm in a foul mood.

My mouth is startin' to hurt
and I haven't eaten all day,

and I'm gonna go eat lunch
at this place called
the clubhouse.

It's at the lenox square mall
in buckhead.

I used to eat
there all the time.
I live in both cities.

And I pulled up.
Now, all this out here
used to be just regular parking.

But now the whole thing is
valet parking, so you can't just
park your car and get some food.

You have to wait
for this little prick in
a little red truck to wake up.

But he isn't gonna wake up,
'cause he's got on headphones
and mirrored sunglasses.

He's lookin'
the other direction,

watchin' these two girls
walk down peachtree boulevard.

I could tell
by the whole scenario...

That they're not gonna be
out of his line of sight
for 20 minutes.

There's nothing gonna get
in the way. So I'm like,
"fuck. Do your job."

I decide I'll just park the car
myself. The only space I saw
was right next to his truck.

I'm gonna park the car myself.
Once he sees I'm gonna
park the car myself,

he jumps out of his truck,
and he gets militant.

He jumps in front
of my range rover, and he
puts his hands on the hood,

and he goes,
"nobody parks their own car
in this parking lot!

I park the cars
in this parking lot!"

well, I rolled down my window,
and very politely said,

"get out of my fuckin' way!"

he goes, "nobody talks to me
like that. You can't park
your car in this parking lot."

I said, "fuck you."

He goes, "i'm callin'
the police. What's your
first and last name?

I said, "it's fuck you.
It's f-u-c-k...

"capital y-o-u.

Fuck you.
That's my name."

He gets on his radio...

And calls the dalai lama
of all parking lot attendants...

Who comes squealin' up
in his little red truck.

Apparently,
they give 'em to 'em.

He hops out of the truck
like he's gonna do somethin'.

He immediately recognizes me,
and you see this big "oh, shit"
wash over his face.

He literally shoves
this kid out of the way,
and starts apologizin'.

He said, "mr. White, I am sorry.
I said, "listen, this kid's
not doin' his job.

He's an insolent little
piece of shit, and he needs
to have his ass reamed."

He goes, "mr. White, he's gonna
have his ass reamed by me
and my boss and my boss's boss."

I was like,
"well, I had no idea
the chain of command

went that deep in
the parking lot business."

He said, "mr. White,
let us take your range rover.

"we'll wash it for you,
we'll fill it up with gas,
we'll park it, no charge."

I said, "don't park it here.
I don't want this
little prick to key it."

He said, "we'll park it
on the other side."
I said, "fine."

So I go have a nice lunch
and take more pain pills.

Get in a little better mood.

I just had my gums scraped,
you know.

So I walk outside,
and my range rover
is shining like a new penny.

I hop in and I fire it up,
and it's full of gas, and...

I could've left.

But instead I drove back
over there where that kid was.

I rolled down my window,
and he rolled down his window,

and I went,
"how'd that work out for ya?
Pretty good?"

and here's the moral of
that story: don't fuck with me
when I haven't been drinkin'.

Pulitzer-prize winning author
norman mailer died last year
at the age of 84 years old.

For the last 60 years
of this man's life
he drank to excess every day.

He was married six times,
he smoked pot,

he stabbed his second wife,
and I've never read
one of his books.

But I gotta tell ya.
I'm a huge fan.

We've had a blast since we've
been here, man. I tell ya.

We went out last night.
I got so drunk.

I woke up this morning,
and somebody had shit my pants.

I don't know who it was,

but I know he eats corn.

And cake.

Corn cakes I think
is what he was eating.

I just got back from europe.
I took my son tater tot...

To europe.

We were in spain during
the running of the bulls,
but we didn't go to the event,

because we couldn't figure out
why you would.

The people that we know
that live there were
pitchin' this really hard.

They said that
this event's been going on
for over 500 years.

And I'm like,
"what? Really?"
they explained it to us.

Apparently, 540 years ago
a bunch of gay sailors in
white suits with red scarves...

Got all fucked up and turned
loose the cattle and tried--

I'm paraphrasing.

They got all fucked up,
tried to get out of the way
and couldn't.

It ended up the town
was such a bore-hole...

That compared to everything else
that was goin' on there
this seemed like fun,

and they kept doin' it
for 540 years.

I'm like,
"i still don't want to go."

This year two people died,
and they said it was
a huge tragedy.

But I think before you call
something a "huge tragedy,"

I think you need to first
determine exactly which
two people died.

Maybe it was two people
we didn't need.

They weren't very bright.
I can tell you that for sure.

This year a bunch of spaniards
stood up and said...

The event should be
canceled forever
because it's so dangerous.

I'm like,
"it took you 540 fuckin' years."

Fuck that, man.
Have two a week.

Change the name from
"the running of the bulls"...

To "the thinning of the herd."

We'll have the final event
at talladega.

Call it
"the dodging of the nascars."

"you ready? Go."
[ imitates car revving,
thudding ]

they're quick, aren't they?

"you might want to turn
your wipers on, dale."

We were in london for two days.
I was afraid I hadn't allotted
enough time to see london,

because it's one of
my favorite cities, with so much
tradition and history.

We were gonna get a cabbie
to take us around
and show us the sights,

and I thought I probably
should have allotted more time.

But if you get
a cab driver in london
that's a scottish nationalist,

which is somebody who believes
scotland and england should
have no ties whatsoever--

They go home every night,
watch braveheart
and beat off.

"mel gibson's hittin'
another guy!"
[ shuddering ]

if you get
a scottish nationalist
for a cab driver in london,

you can see that city
in about 10 minutes.

[ sottish accent ]
"i wouldn't go to buckingham
palace if they paid me.

A changing of the guards
is for pussies, is what it is."

[ chuckles ]
"what? Are we gonna
see big ben?"

"i told you to look the left.
You looked to the right.

I'm gettin' paid by the mile,
not the minute."

[ chuckles ]
"what?

Whatever, dude.
What's this building?"

"it's your fuckin' hotel.
Get out!"

"hell, what are we gonna do
with the other day
and three quarters?

'cause the food's awful."

It is awful too.
They took us to a place
called the fox and the hound,

and I'm pretty sure
that's what we were eatin'.

I don't know which one
they were serving that night,
but I can tell you this:

it needed ketchup.

And they didn't have
any ketchup.

I wanted to take my son
to see st. Paul's cathedral,

the second-largest cathedral
in the world, and it was closed,

because the next day
was the queen's birthday.

Like, well,
this is a church.

Jesus doesn't take a day off
because this woman aged.

What if this were the day
I wanted to give my life
to christ?

It wasn't.

But what if
it would've been?

I'd have been screwed,
that's what.

I have no idea what you'd
ever get the queen of england
for her birthday.

That's gotta be
a tough old broad
to shop for, doesn't it?

I bought my wife breast implants
for her birthday.

I've never been a big fan
of plastic surgery,

but I got to admit,
I've had a lot of fun
playing with these things.

I haven't given 'em
to her yet.

I just keep 'em on my tour bus
and just rub 'em in my face.

I'm glad they clean up easy.

[ audience groans ]

what?

I'm just glad they're
not made out of corduroy.
That's all I'm sayin'.

I'd have to have 'em
scotchgarded.

[ imitates spray can
dispensing ]

I find it a little ironic
that the product that I use...

To keep from ruining my sofa
should I spill my drink on it...

Is actually called...

"scotchgard."

Sometimes things just work out
perfect, don't they?

"yeah, I'm looking for a product
that'll protect my sofa
should I spill my scotch on it.

What do you have?"

"we've got scotchgard."

"yeah, let's go with that.

"do you have vodkagard?

How about spermgard?"

it's a busy couch.

I found out when I got back
from europe that I was
being sued by a paper plant.

That's what the lawyers
were for.

I don't know if you've ever
driven by a paper plant,
but the by-product...

In the manufacture
of paper in this country
is a stench so foul,

it will knock you to
your ever-lovin' knees.

Crown paper in houston,
texas, is suin' me...

Because I said on stage
in houston, texas,

that crown paper
was making the town stink.

Like I let some big cat
out of the bag.

"oh, we didn't know it stunk
till you brought it up, ron.

"come to think of it,
it smells like a hard-boiled
egg fart in this town.

Is that somehow your fault,
mr. White?"

the reason I brought it up--
I'm from houston.

And as a child I lived,
literally, in the shadow
of this paper plant.

And as a child, I thought
the whole world smelled
like that. I didn't know.

The first time my family went
on vacation to another city,
I was amazed.

I was like-- [ sniffing ]
"what's that delicious smell?

Oh, god! That smells like heaven
and flowers mixed together.
What is it?"

"that's
a sewer-treatment facility."

"that's fetid shit?

"you should bottle that, send it
to houston. People could rub
a little under their nose,

walk right by that paper plant
without throwin' up
their fuckin' lunch."

"and we found a new use
for fetid shit.

I think we all win."

Actually, the reason I brought
it up-- I'm from houston.
I don't live there anymore.

I was just back in town doin'
some shows. One morning I was
reading the houston chronicle,

and there was an article
in the paper about
that particular paper plant.

It said in the article that,
depending on which way
the wind was blowing,

that 2,000,000 people
could smell the stench...

Produced by this
one paper plant at a time.

That is a big odor.

If it was music
and 2,000,000 people
could hear it,

they'd make 'em turn it
the fuck off.

Because it's a smell it's okay?
No, it's not okay.

Find a way to make paper
that doesn't stink.

It's not like you're
tryin' to make catfish bait
outta cabbage, goddamn it!

You're makin' paper outta wood.
Paper doesn't stink.
Wood doesn't stink.

You're doin' somethin'
to make it stink.
Fuckin' quit!

[ cheering, applause ]

that's me dancing
on my soapbox.

I love this country.
I consider myself a patriot.

I met my first wife
during the vietnam war.

She was from this
quaint little village
outside of phnom "penhen"--

Phno-- phnom--
I can never pronounce that word.

Vancouver.

It's not true.

It's funny,
but it isn't true.
I love this country.

I do what I can to support
our troops no matter what
they've been asked to do.

I don't have to agree
in advance with the mission...

To support the young men
and women who do my bidding.

[ cheering, applause ]

last year I went on
a u.f.o. Tour-- u.f.o.! U.f.--

[ cheering, whooping ]
thank you.

That's good, ron.

I went on a u.f.o. Tour,
which...

Not a lot of comedians
are asked to do.

'cause, you know,
the jokes translate so--

So poorly...

From one planet
to the next, you know.

These are legal aliens.

But oddly enough,
they still speak spanish.

I went on a u.s.o. Tour,

and I'll tell you
the difference.

Earthlings.

I was in germany for 10 days
doin' shows for troops...

Goin' into and comin' out
of iraq and afghanistan.

They asked me to go to iraq,
and I was like, "fuck you.

I'm not goin' to that shithole.
I'm 50 and fat. I'll get shot."

I couldn't dodge
a goddamn doughnut
if you threw it at me.

"what'd you throw
a fuckin' doughnut
at me for, man?

You hit me right
in the heart, dude."

And then when we filmed
blue collar iii, we filmed it
in washington, d.c.

The fine folks at the u.s.o.
Asked us to spend the day
at walter reed hospital.

And if you go to walter reed
hospital, you'll see
a by-product of this war...

Nobody likes to talk about,
but they should talk about it
every day...

Because the sacrifice these
young men and women have made
for this country,

they can't take back
and they should be applauded
and saluted...

And given the best medical care
we can give 'em
for the rest of their lives.

[ cheering, applause ]

and they should not live
in abject poverty...

Because they made a sacrifice
to the greatest nation
on this planet.

And if we fail there,
we fail everywhere
we can fail, folks.

[ applause ]

to the troops, guys.
Cheers.

[ cheering, applause ]

i'll tell you one
u.s.o. Story.

We're going from room to room
visiting these amazingly
brave americans at walter reed.

Me, jeff foxworthy,
bill engvall,
larry the cable guy.

And we go to this kid's room
and this kid is mangled.

I don't know what
they'll ever do for him.

The only way he could talk
was to hold his finger
over a hole in his throat.

He'd breathe in. He wouldn't use
a lot of words, but what he said
was very poignant, very funny.

I was just sitting there
admiring him, going,

"who the fuck is this kid
to be this brave?"

and I carry a man bag.
And in the bag are cigars
and cigar cutters...

And lighters and reading glasses
and sunglasses and tampax and--

[ laughter ]
my wife's titties.
And all the things I need...

To make it through
an afternoon.

We're about to leave
this kid's room
and foxworthy goes,

"you know, you're the only
person today that didn't make
fun of ron's purse."

And this kid goes--
[ inhales deeply ]

"pussy."

That's the only time
I've ever seen
foxworthy's snot.

"he called you
a pussy, dude."

Or however he talks.

I love this country.
I don't think
this country's perfect.

But I don't think
any country is. I think there
are ways I could help...

Improve this country,
but nobody in washington
will listen to me...

Because of
my behavioral problems.

There are three ways
I think I could improve
this country.

I could improve the heightened
state of awareness system
in this country.

I could help fund the war
in iraq.

And there's an immigration
problem. They wanna build
a wall...

All the way
from the gulf of mexico
to the specific ocean.

The specific--

To a specific ocean
which they've already chosen.

[ cheering, applause ]

"oh, he was sharp
the night we saw him.

"went on a u.f.o. Tour.

"took a trip across
a specific ocean...

Which he had already chosen
in advance."

Fuck.

Folks, I believe in my heart
that the department
of homeland security's...

Color-coded heightened state
of awareness system...

Might be the most useless
thing ever shoved down the
throats of the american people.

In all my travels,
I've yet to meet one person...

That knows what to do different
if the heightened state
of awareness...

Is yellow or orange,
or orange or yellow.

Nothing ever happens anyway.
I haven't met one person
that knows

that there are five
heightened states of awareness
in this country.

Did you know that, sir?
Fuck no, you didn't.

Oh, well.

Blue, green, yellow,
orange and red.

Apparently, when
the heightened state
of awareness is blue,

you don't even need
sunscreen.

You can just walk outside naked.
[ scottish accent ]
"you can't even burn my cock!"

i'm not sure why
the scottish guy said that.
[ chuckles ]

[ scottish accent ]
"you can't even burn my cock!"

the biggest problem I have
with the heightened state
of awareness system...

Is that it makes no sense.

The second biggest problem
I have with it is
that it scares my mother.

[ laughter ]

thanks.

The last time the heightened
state of awareness switched
from yellow to orange,

my mother called me.

And my mother
is very, um, rural,

as am i.

Mother called me
and she goes,

"the heightened state
of awareness just
switched to orange."

I said, "i know, mother.
I was watching television."

She goes,
"i don't know what to do."

I said, "mother, nobody knows
what to do. They didn't print
a flyer with this program.

"but since we were attacked
on 9/11, mama,

we've all been in a general
heightened state of awareness."

Shes goes,
"i don't know what that means."

I said, "well, mom, uh,

"if you're getting on
an airplane and the person
in front of you...

"has seven "h's" in
their name and a basket
of fucking cobras,

check their shoes for fuses."

And that's not racism.
That's profilin'.

And ya have to do
some profiling.

You can't frisk 10 grandmothers
just so you can pretend that
guy doesn't look suspicious.

Bullshit. Go frisk his ass.
If he gets all pissed off,
go, "sorry."

And if he's still pissed off
after that, go,

"hey, you wore the turban
to the fucking airport, buddy.

"you know.

Buy a john deere cap
for travel days.
Fuck, I don't know."

[ cheering, applause ]

"buy a john deere turban.
Do they make 'em?

I'm sorry.
We're a little edgy."

If I were in charge
of the department
of homeland security,

we'd have a heightened state
of awareness system in
this country, that's for sure,

but we'd have one
that made sense...

And one that the fine
citizens of this country
understood.

And we would have two
heightened states
of awareness--

Go find a helmet.

Put on the fucking helmet.

[ cheering, applause ]

that way I'd know what to say
to my mother when she calls,
"i don't know what to do."

"it's put on
a fucking helmet day.

"put on a fucking helmet, mom.

That strap goes under
your chin, mother."

When mother has her helmet on,
she forgets her neck works.

"just turn your head, mom.

You're getting it."

We find ourselves, folks,
in the middle of a war
we can't afford financially.

I won't address any other
aspects of the war.

But it is time to refit
the biggest army the world
has ever seen.

And here's the problem:
we're broke.
[ laughs ]

we ain't got no money.
We're still writing checks
like you do in real life,

just praying to god somebody
will cash one of these useless
son of a bitches, you know.

We're $17 trillion in debt.
We still got a checkbook?
Really?

[ cheering, applause ]

seems like somebody
eventually is gonna take that
checkbook away, doesn't it?

And you know what?
China's cashing our checks.

And that's not a good plan
for this country,
mark my word.

And they can't figure out
a way to fund this war.

And I came up with a great idea
that nobody will listen to.

Well, you're about to
because of your proximity
to this speaker system.

I was just down
in cocoa beach, florida,

and just south of cocoa beach,
florida, is a huge
air force base...

That takes up 115,000 acres
of oceanfront property.

They have military housing
on the beach.

Major nelson didn't have
oceanfront property...

And he was an astronaut
with a motherfucking genie.

If you gotta have oceanfront,
join the navy.
That's all I'm saying.

And back that base up
15 miles...

And let us sell this asset
to help pay for this war effort.

We could sell it to israel.
They've got a lot of cash.
They need a place to stay.

That shit ain't working out
for them over there.

And it's the only part
of florida they don't
already own.

And we take the money we make
from selling the rest
of florida to israel.

We buy mexico,
fix it up and flip it.

[ cheering, applause ]

now, we'll have to send down
some painters and landscapers,
'cause they're all up here.

And when they're gone
you're gonna wonder
where the fuck they went,

'cause you ain't gonna want
to do this shit yourself.

Not if you're anything
like me.

We sell mexico to a country
that can put a ton of cash down,

but you know they can't
make the payments,

like peru.

Peru has billions and billions
of u.s. Dollars-- they do--

In cash in banks
all over peru.

It's our cocaine money
they tricked us out of.

I mean, it's
your cocaine money they...

Tricked you out of.

We get all that money back--
Billions of dollars--

And then we finance the balance
of mexico to peru.

We let 'em get behind
on the payments.

We repossess mexico.
Now we have mexico
free and clear.

New paint, new shrubs.

And with all that cocaine
money, we start buying countries
south of mexico.

We buy 'em all. We buy belize,
honduras, nicaragua,
el salvador, costa rica.

And every time you buy
one of those countries,

that long-ass wall this country
needs to build gets a little
fuckin' shorter, doesn't it?

Until eventually we buy
back the panama canal,
which we built anyway,

stand there and go,
"swim this, bitch."

[ cheering, applause ]

so, I tour,
that's what I do.

I go from city to city
to city to city.

I've done it for 22 years.
I've enjoyed every second
of it.

I love to do this
fuckin' job.

I tour with my wife. I love
to tour with my wife because
I only have sex with my wife.

I like to have sex.
I don't have sex
with other women.

I've been married three times
and that has not always
been my policy.

But I'm 51 years old. And
I said if I got married again
i'd quit the running around.

And to tell you the truth,
I find a lot of comfort
in having one sex partner...

Because she knows what I like,
and I know what she won't do.

It turns out there's a list
of shit she won't do.

And the first thing on the list
is "talk about the list."

My favorite by-product of
monogamy-- it didn't even dawn
on me this would be the case.

When I figured this out,
I felt a huge weight
just flutter off my shoulders.

A lot of you guys might not
realize this, so this could
be a big night in your life...

Because I'm about to impart
to you the most important thing
I've ever learned.

So, guys, I want you
to open up your senses
and really take this in.

Don't waste this moment,
'cause here it comes.

Ready? Here it comes.

Guys, if you only
fuck your wife,

you can't get caught.

Feel it?
You feel it?

Nobody gives
a rat's ass.

Nobody's ever gonna
kick in a bedroom door--
"you motherfucker!

Is that your old lady?"

I may be exaggerating
that stroke just a little bit.

But still,
a ferocious piece of ass,

although easily winded.

If you don't mind stoppin'
and startin', I might be
the best fuck on the planet.

[ panting ]

[ panting ]

that's the way I roll,
ladies.

My favorite place to have sex
is on my tour bus...

Because if I don't quite have
the wind to get her there,

I can just holler
at that driver,
"pump the brakes!"

[ imitating
brakes pumping ]

"faster!"

[ imitating brakes
pumping rapidly ]

"thanks, pat!

Boy, that pat can fuck,
can't he?"

actually, you can get caught
having sex with your wife.

My wife and I were going
at it one afternoon
and the housekeeper walked in,

which is way better
than the other way around.

It happens the other
way around, you end up
saying things like,

"i'll pack my shit...

As soon as it quits burning."

We have a great sex life,
I think, you know.

It's not like our friends.
We have these friends
that are younger than us.

And they have tantric sex
which is a yoga thing...

Where you can have sex
for hours and hours.

And, yeah, we don't--
We don't do that.
[ laughs ]

we did invent a sexual position
that I named...

"the lazy dog."

And I'll teach you
how to do the lazy dog.

What you do is you get
in bed there and you get
in the doggy-style position,

and then both of you,
at the same time--
And that's the important part--

Fall over.

Now you're doing
the lazy dog.

I can stay in that position
all night long.

Or until she coughs.

Once she coughs me out,
i'm out for the night.

There's no more lazy dog
that night.

She sneezed me out
one time.

And my own dick
hit one of my own nuts
and hurt it.

And now I have difficulty
interpreting her sexual noises.

She'll be--
[ moaning ]

I don't know if she's
about to come or sneeze...

Which makes me
a nervous lover...

Which causes
premature ejaculation.

Not a lot of people
know that.

And not a lot of people
know this.

It was actually
richard milhous nixon...

In his 1968
inaugural address
who first said,

"shake for me, girl.

I wanna be
your back-door man."

Lot of people think
it was led zeppelin,
but it wasn't.

It was richard nixon.

I'm like 80% sure.

I'm like 70-- 70% sure.

Fifty.

You know what?
It was led zeppelin.

You know what somebody
called me today?

Um, uh--
A metrosexual.

Is that like a local term
or something? I don't even
know what it means.

I'm sitting there getting
a pedicure, reading vogue--

My wife got me a certificate
to get a pedicure...

Because she thinks
my feet are nasty.

And I went down there
to this poor, old asian woman...

Who's trying to reshape
my big toe into, like,
a regular-sized toe.

And she's got
this carrot-peeler
kind of a tool...

That she's using to scrape away
years of neglected dead skin
off these dogs.

And she has a genuinely
disgusted look on her face.

She looks at me and she goes--
[ asian accent ]
"pedicure not only for you"--

[ crowd falls silent ]

now why I thought
that would be funny,
I can't remember.

Maybe I did it wrong.

[ asian accent ]
"pedicure not only for you"--

Nope.

[ asian accent ]
"pedicure not only for you"
need punch line.

Make a mental note.

Joke not finish.

Add punch line.
Make funny for everyone.

Mama's the one got me
drinkin' scotch.
Mama loved to drink.

She loves her scotch, man.
Mama loves all things scotch.

She likes highland scotch,
lowland scotch,

single-malt scotch,
blended scotch.

She likes the fuckin' tape.

And the 'gard.

And the hop.

And the butter.

[ asian accent ]
make a mental note.

Do "tape" last.
Is only one funny.

I'll tell you a story
that's funny.

My uncle came over to my house
the other day.

My uncle used to be
the president of the southern
baptist convention.

His name is Dr. Charles pollard.
He's a triple doctorate.

He has doctorates in theology,
psychology and philosophy.

Um, although, I think
I still make more money
than he does.

He's a great man.
And he came over and I was
making myself a drink,

'cause I never pretend
I don't drink.

You might know that
about me already.

And he goes, "son, you are never
gonna find the answers
to your problems

in the bottom
of that bottle."

I said, "i know.

"that's why I'm gonna
buy another one.

"i knew that son of a bitch
was a dud the minute
I laid eyes on it.

"look at that
no-answer piece of shit.

Take me to the liquor store.
I've got some questions."

I don't really get along
as well with my wife
as I pretend.

You ever do this? You ever
wanna say something to somebody,
and then you don't say it?

And then, like, two months later
it just comes spewing out...

Like tourette's and vomit.

Just-- blah!

First time I met my wife's
sister was at her mother's
75th birthday.

They live up in connecticut.
We took the plane up.

And they're very wealthy.
There's a big party of 150
people at this huge house.

We're at a round table
of about 15 people down front.

And her sister
is a published chef...

And she owns a restaurant
in connecticut and she owns
a cooking school in france.

And she's married
to a guy from france.

And she's a snob, but
they're all snobs, so I figure
she'll be a snob probably.

She's a big old snob too.

Big, old, round
and big, old gal.

Big, old "taste of everything
that comes out of the kitchen"
kind of a snob.

Kind of a big, old, round
and big, old gal.

Big and whoopa, whoopa.

Almost a "stay home
and go for the record"
kind of a snob.

I was just making conversation,
and I said, "i should come
to connecticut and do shows."

And she goes, "i don't think
anyone in connecticut...

Is going to pay money
to hear hillbilly comedy."

[ audience groans ]

well, I was raised in the south
and I'm at my wife's mother's
birthday party.

And I'm not gonna ruin
this woman's day because
I can't hold my tongue.

And I don't say a word,
which I shouldn't,
and I don't.

A couple months, I'm in
a restaurant with my wife,
having dinner.

And she's in
a foul, foul mood.

And she goes, "there are
some things about your family
that I just can't stand."

And I go, "your sister's
a big, fat cunt!"

[ cheering, applause ]

like tourette's
and vomit, man.

"your sister's
a big, fat cunt!"

and I'm not sure exactly
how loud I said it.

But every head
in the restaurant goes--

[ buzzing sound ]

then the waiter
brought the bread.

"fuck, this is gonna be
a long meal.

God, I wish that was cake."

My wife and I think
different things are funny.

That story being
a perfect example.

Actually, she doesn't think
anything's funny. I do.

She thinks cosmopolitan
magazine's a serious magazine.

And I think it's
the funniest rag on the planet.
And that's an impasse.

The other day
there was a copy of cosmo
sitting on the table,

and I was reading the cover
stories on the front of it
and I was just laughin'.

And she walks by
and she goes,
"what's so funny?"

like I did something wrong,
you know?

I said, "i was just reading
the stories on the front
of this magazine.

I thought they were funny.
I thought they might
fit in my show."

And she reads 'em.
She goes, "that's not funny."

How would I know?

Why would I even have an opinion
on what might be found humorous
in america today?

Certainly not my line
of work.

I sell shrimp
out of a van.

"his secret pleasure zone."

It's not a secret.

Ladies, if you don't know
where your man's secret
pleasure zone is,

you need to be wearing
wolverine steel-toed boots.

[ cheering, applause ]

"forty girlie moves
that drive him crazy."

Touch his pleasure zone.

Touch it 40 times.

And here's a clue.
It's our dick.

I picked this magazine up
and I start thumbing through it,

and I found an article
on how to get your man aroused.

And, uh, it was funny.

It was written by a doctor,
so some of you will learn
a new word here.

I know I did.

It said,
"flick his frenulum."

And then in parenthesis,
it says, "the small nodule
of skin...

"beneath the head
of the penis...

With the flat part
of your tongue."

It doesn't matter...

What part of the tongue...

You flick his frenulum with.

It doesn't even have to be
his frenulum.

Put your tongue on his dick...

And see if things
don't just work out great
for the two of you.

[ cheering, applause ]

you can flick his frenulum
with a newspaper...

And it would probably work.

One of the reasons
i'm still married to my wife...

Is she can flick my frenulum
with her fuckin' tonsils.

[ cheering, applause ]

and that's what I'm lookin' for
in a frenulum flickin'.

I call her
my friend flicka.

"get over here, flicka.
I got a sugar cube
and an apple.

You want 'em both, girl?"

she's a weird bird, man.

She can't go to sleep at night
unless every single thing...

In this gigantic house...

Is in the exact spot
she meant for it to be.

Now, before I married her,
she told me she was anal.

And I was like, "great."

Pow! Boom, boom.

pow!

Turns out there's
two kinds of anal.

And she's the wrong one.

I don't know why
i'm so obsessed with my wife...

Participating in anal sex,
but she won't do it.

I thought maybe on
our anniversary she would.

We're on a really nice cruise
and I get her all shined up
one night.

And I'm just begging her,
which is pathetic,
you know.

She goes, "ron, you need
to get something through
your thick skull.

I'm not strapping one of
those things on for anybody."

[ cheering, applause ]

"i bought the best one
they make!

"the brokeback 2000.

Takes two 'd' cell batteries.
It's got a clitoral stimulator."

I don't know why I got that.
I figure, fuck it,
it's bound to hit something.

Maybe it'll flick
my frenulum on the way in.
Fuck, who knows.

My wife got one of
her nipples pierced.

Today a lot of people
are into that. I'm not.

She just did it anyway.
Whatever.

I was talking to a girl
the other day that had
her tongue pierced twice...

And had a chain running
between the two piercings.

I don't get it.
I asked her why she did it,
and she said,

"it helps my boyfriend
enjoy oral sex."

And I'm like,
"no, it doesn't.

"try flicking his frenulum
with something.

Get a feather duster."

Belly button piercings,
now that's fine.

Gotta be on
the right girl though.

That tan girl at the park
with the low-slung,
faded jeans,

the little pink half-shirt
and a little silver hoop.

Sexy.

But...

Have you seen these women
that pierce their fat roll?

Now I'm not being an ass.
I've got a huge gut too.

But you're never gonna see me
at the mall in a tube top...

With, like, a horseshoe
poking through there.

I own a mirror.

My wife got one of her
nipples pierced. Didn't ask me
anything about it either.

I just came home from the road
one day and she opened up
her robe and there it was.

And I was like--
[ laughs ]

she goes, "what's the matter?
Don't you think it looks sexy?"

I said,
"it looks like the plug
in my grandmother's bathtub."

Yeah, here's a good idea:
don't ever fuckin' say that.

My friend got his cock pierced,
and he said when he takes
the piercing out...

And gets a blow job,
it whistles.

That's pretty funny,
isn't it?

[ whistling ]

[ whistling ]

[ whistling ]

* [ whistling ]

[ gagging ]

* [ whistling ]

she was a good sport.

That wasn't an impression
of my wife...

Or they would have been
a big-- [ spitting ] sound
right there.

"i told you not to come
in my mouth!"

"quit sucking sooner.

I can't be left in charge
at this point of the blow job."

[ cheering, applause ]

we were watching cnn
the other night and, uh--

Yeah, they were doing
a story on nasa...

About that astronaut lady
that went bat-shit crazy and
tried to kill that other chick.

I wish I could write shit
that fuckin' funny, man.

And it wasn't just about that,
but about nasa...

And how they're just
not as thorough as you think
nasa would be.

How they're always backing up,
covering their tracks,
which, of course, they are.

And I guess because
so many women are going
into outer space,

they've just allotted
$10 million for a study...

To see if there any dangers in
a woman suffering from p.m.s....

To have her menstrual cycle
in zero gravity.

I'm like, "hell yeah,
there are dangers.

In a weightless environment,
the psycho bitches can fly."

[ cheering, applause ]

thank you so much
for coming out.

Bless you. You guys
were super fantastic.
Thank you so much.

* [ rock ]
[ cheering, applause ]