All language subtitles for Marlon.Wayans.You.Know.What.It.Is.2021.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

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♪♪

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[ Cheers and applause ]

-Miami, make some noise...

[ Cheers and applause ]

...for Mr. Marlon Wayans!

♪♪

♪♪

-How the fuck we doing, Miami?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you.
I love you, too!

Thank you.

I do.
I really do love you guys.

I mean, I swear.
I love people.

I'm a lover of life.
You know what I mean?

Life in general.

And it's like, as you get older,

I learned, I'm like 90% love,

but there's, like,
10% of shit I hate.

A lot of things I hate --
well, people hate --

come from fear, right?

The thing I hate most comes
from the thing I fear most.

And it comes from, like,
childhood trauma.

And this is gonna sound crazy
to you, but...

[ Sighs ] Okay, fuck it.

I am so scared...

of niggas
with outie belly buttons.

It's just...

something evil about a nigga
with a outie belly button.

You know what I'm talking about?

Like, Andre McLaurin -- he
had an outie belly button.

He was the bully in my hood.

He terrorized me
my whole childhood.

He was an evil little nigglet.

4 years old, he was buff.

Look like Kevin Hart buff.
Like...

Looked like he just got out
of baby prison and shit.

And he was a kid.
4 years old, he had lats.

The only way you get lats
is from doing prison time

and doing pull-ups.

He was a badass little kid.

He was so evil, his first baby
tooth, it came in chipped.

[ Laughter ]

And he was an evil fucker.

He used to always steal
the one cherry

out of my fruit cocktail
at lunchtime.

And if you went
to a public school,

you know how much that fucking
one cherry meant to you?

It took you 15 cups to get
to the fucking cherry.

Otherwise, it was all grapes
and fucking nectarines.

Yo, I don't want that shit.
I want a cherry!

And Andre, he had an outie
belly button, right,

and he had this six-pack.

And the outie belly button

looked like someone
threw a Vienna sausage

at that nigga's stomach
and it caught.

[ Grunts ]

He was bowlegged.

All them little outie
belly button dudes, they --

they all bowlegged 'cause
they mama make 'em walk

when they only 5 months old
before their legs harden.

[ Laughs ]
And then she give him --

because she doesn't believe
in walkers or strollers.

She goes, "Those are
for pussies!"

She make him walk
when he 5 months old

and she give him
man responsibility,

'cause you know
his daddy ain't there.

Oh, outie belly button niggas
ain't got no daddy, shit.

And they make them go--

"Take your little brother
Lamar to school!"

And she put Lamar on his neck,

and be, "I'll take him,"
and that weighed down his legs.

So he walk around with heavy-ass
Lamar on his shoulders,

and now he gotta go,
"Take Dede to daycare!"

And now he gotta drag his
little brother Dede to daycare.

"Come on!"

And she always screams shit
to him out the window.

Quit smoking my Newports!

I know it's you,
you piece of shit!"

That was his little nickname.
"Piece of shit!"

He be out till, like,
5:30 in the morning

with his saggy diaper
full of shit, just...

Oh, they ain't potty trained.

Outie belly button niggas
is dumb as shit.

They can't read or write

or don't know their ABC's
or 123s,

but they're super athletic.

They can backflip
into a public pool

with their jeans
and sneakers on.

So he walking around
the neighborhood

just looking for trouble
with a little saggy-ass diaper

hanging out his fucking
G-Star jeans,

and he just looking for trouble.

Walking around the neighborhood,
smoking his mama's cigarettes,

just...[ Inhaling ]

But he's still a kid,
so he suck his thumb, too.

[ Laughs ]

Never fight a bitch
with a outie belly button.

You will lose that fight.

Oh, let me tell you something,
outie belly button women,

they can do two things.

They can fight, and they can
fuckin' Double Dutch.

Oh, shit.

They always got Vaseline
in their back pocket.

And they put it on their face
and say evil shit like,

"Oh, bitch, this what
I wanted you to do!

Oh, bitch, I prayed for God

you was gonna fuck
with me today, ho!

Ooh, I'ma fuck you up."

And they always got --
they always got little --

little "Bitch,
I can fight" hairdos.

They got cornrows, right?

But the cornrows be real little,

'cause they ain't got a lot of
hair, so it look like stitches.

Look like Wolverine went...

[ Deep voice ]
"Get over here, bitch!"

[ Normal voice ]
And they hair's so small

[chuckles]
the shit be unraveling.

Boom, boom, boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom.

So they put them little colorful
hair braids on the back,

but half the time, they can't
afford that, so they put them

Venus and Serena braids --
beads -- on the end,

and clump them
with some aluminum foil?

And God forbid if she got that
"bitch, I could fight" ponytail.

You know them little ponytail?

It look more like
a Rottweiler tail

or a Doberman Pinscher tail?

It's a little struggle tail.

Oh, and her girlfriend

help her get that little bit
of hair in a ponytail,

be like, "Shit, sit still,
Faye, sit still!

We almost got it!"

And the hair never make it.
The ponytail never make it.

All this be broke off.

There will be, like,
nine scraggly hairs here

and, like, seven over here.

And she gotta slick it down
with some Vaseline

and try to make
some baby hair.

But one time she sweat, boom,
that shit come right back up.

And all this be bald as shit.
This be bald.

Look like somebody
fading her shit at all times.

But it's 'cause all the stress
from trying to have a ponytail

when, bitch, you ain't got
no hair, so...

Her eyes be s--
real tight, you know?

She got the tight eyes?

It's because
she actually gotta put her skin

in the ponytail
to make the ponytail reach.

And when it reaches,
it's finally,

it's a little, little ponytail.

[ Child's voice ]
Oh, it's so little!

And it look like --

[ Normal voice ]
Bitch look like a water balloon.

I'ma give you some stats
on outie belly button people,

and then we can move on,

'cause I'm really offending
this brother

with the outie belly button
in the front row.

Him and his comrade.

Uh, these are real statistics.

You can look it up
after the show.

Uh, Google it.

Whatever search engine you use,
Safari perhaps.

Firefox. Uh...

[ Exhales sharply ]
They're terrible people,

outie belly buttons,
they menaces to society.

You know that 87.3%
of our entire prison system

is filled with niggas
with outie belly buttons.

84.6% of all the fathers

that don't take care
of their children.

It's a shame.

Outie belly b-- [ Laughs ]

Every rapper
that's ever been to prison?

The nigga got a outie belly
button. I ain't lyin'.

They always got they shirt off
in pictures. Google it.

Meek Mill --
outie belly button.

Lil Wayne --
outie belly button.

Bobby Shmurda
and his whole crew of...

♪ We be on some block bitches ♪

♪ To the tone, to the tone
to the top ♪

All got outie belly buttons

and saggy Pampers hanging out
their G-Star jeans.

Ready?

Lil Baby and DaBaby...

outie belly button.

Ready for this?
Kodak Black.

Yeah, this nigga got a outie
belly with a outie belly button.

Oh, he's an anomaly.

It's not just a Black thing,
okay?

White folks, you sitting here,

having a good old laugh
at us minorities.

[ Imitating White voice ]
[ Laughs ]

[ Normal voice ]
This is the biggest stat of all.

Ready, White folks?

99.99%...

...of all them White folks

that bum-rushed the Capitol...

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

The insurgents all had
outie belly buttons.

[ Laughs ]

Donald Trump got
a outie belly b--

[ Laughs ]

That's why he wears
those long ties.

He's trying to hide it.

[ Chuckles ]
I know, this is real shit.

You know what's funny?

I almost didn't have children,
because I was afraid one of them

was gonna have
an outie belly button.

I got kids, got two.

[ Applause ]
Yes.

Some brave woman
let me cum in her twice.

And that's 90 p--
I love them, man.

My daughter, she just graduated,
uh, high school.

[ Cheers and applause ]

And she went to her prom.
Yeah.

Which for the father
of a daughter

is a miserable fucking evening.

No, 'cause, you know,
prom night,

that's the night
that your baby girl's

gonna lose her virginity.

Ladies, y'all ain't shit.
Y'all ain't shit.

Ain't nobody correct me.

None of y'all are worth
a damn cent.

Look at y'all.

You gonna sit here
and let me and your nigga

next to you believe
that you lost it prom night?

Yeah, right.

You know you lost that shit
in the tenth grade

in some fucking stairwell

to a random Puerto Rican
named Orlando.

[ Chuckles ] Prom night's
just the first night

your nasty ass
gonna do it in the bed,

and your daddy gotta pay for it.

See, I don't --
I don't like the setup

'cause I feel like a sucker
as a father.

"Cause prom night is not about

impressing the daughter
or the mother.

No. See, the mother
and the daughter,

they in cahoots with this
little motherfucker across town,

who's trying to come
fuck your daughter.

That's what they're trying
to do, fuck your daughter.

What's he doing?
Trying to fuck your daughter.

And he come, and he come,
he think he Prince Charming.

He pull up in a limousine.

Oh, he's wearing a tuxedo,

and he has these
shiny tuxedo shoes on.

And he rings the doorbell
all respectfully.

[ Imitates doorbell ]
Boom-boom.

And you open the door,

and he says some really
polite thing like,

"How are you, Mr. Wayans?

It's a pleasure
to meet your acquaintance.

I'm here to pick up Amai."

And then he produces a corsage.

"Ooh, a corsage!
Ooh, for my daughter?

Oh!
You gentleman, you!

Here.

Fuck her.

You fuck my daughter,
you gentleman, you!"

Get the fuck outta here
with that bull--

Slap you in your little face.

Don't come to my door
with that shit.

Don't do that.

You come to my house,

you trying to bang my daughter,
be a man!

You wanna pick up my daughter?
Be a man.

Don't come in some limousine
your daddy rented for you.

No, I'm not impressed.

You come in some shit
you could afford.

You show up to my house
on them little --

little scooty bikes
you rent in the street, like...

Yeah, better yet,
come on a skateboard.

Just come to the house like,
"Ka-ta, ka-ta, ka-ta."

Impress me! Do a trick up
the stairs or some shit.

Oh!

And don't wear no tuxedo.
I'm not impressed by that shit.

Nah, don't wear no tuxedo.
Some rent-a-tux.

Come on, man.

You wear it today, but
it was on a dead body yesterday.

You smell like embalming fluid.

You come to my house,
you show up -- I'm a '90s nigga.

So you come to my house,
impress me.

You wear a pair of FUBU jeans.

Yeah, some Karl Kani,

something with some big
writing on the pocket.

And make sure you have
an Aniche shirt

and a Mecca sweater over that.

Tie a Phat Farm cardigan
around your neck.

Yeah, and then have
a Eight-Ball jacket

just sitting off your shoulders
like Dom Perignon.

And then you have a Yankee
fitted that's not that fitted

just sitting off
the side of your dome.

And don't bend the brim.

Leave that shit new!

Don't bend the brim.

And you better not take
the sticker off.

I wanna see that little black
sticker with your head size.

I wanna be like, "Oh!
Seven and five eighths?

Oh, he got a big-ass head.
He's smart!"

And when you come to my house,
do me a favor.

Don't ring my doorbell.

[ Imitating doorbell ]
Boom-boom.

Nah. Nah.
Let's be real.

You don't come to me
with disguising

your evil R&B Trey Songz
intentions, nah.

You tryin' to fuck my daughter.

"Boom-boom" says, "Love you!"

Get the fuck outta here.

Come with some --
Knock on my door.

Knock!
Let me hear you knock.

Don't ring my doorbell.
Knock.

Yeah, that's a real nigga
right there.

And let me hear your intentions
in the knock.

I wanna hear your knock say,

"I'm here to fuck
your daughter!"

You feel me?
That -- that gets my attention.

"Boom-boom"
don't get my attention.

Nigga, I be on the toilet
taking a shit,

I hear "Boom-boom, boom-boom,"
I ignore it.

I just keep checking
my Instagram.

"Boom-boom, boom-boom,"
dropping my load. [ Grunts ]

"Boom-boom." [ Grunts ]
"Boom-boom."

But if I hear, "I'm here
to fuck your daughter!"

I be like, "Oh, shit, he here!"
I don't even wipe my ass.

I just pull up and be like,

"Oh, he here!
He here, nigga!"

I'll wipe later.

And when I open the door,
do me a favor.

Don't say no smart shit
to me like,

"How are you doing, Mr. Wayans?

Pleasure to make your
acquaintance. I'm here to pi--"

I'll choke you, pussy!
Don't...

Don't do that.

Just shut the fuck up.

You come to bang my daughter,
let's be real.

Don't say nothing.
Have some fucking empathy.

What you trying to do, huh?

You trying to love her?
No, no.

You trying to fuck my daughter.

Let me tell you something,
my guy, that's my bitch.

Yeah, my pussy made that pussy,

so respect the guy
when you come through!

Don't say no smart shit to me,

[ Mocking voice ]
"How you doing Mr. Way--"

[ Normal voice ] Shut up!

Just look at me and have some
compassion, have some empathy.

You took your S.A.T.?
That's a S.A.T. word.

You took your S.A.T.'s,
you got a 870 or over,

you know what
the fuck empathy is.

"Cause you give me that look
like you know what the fuck

I'm going through as a father.

I open the door, be like...
[makes creaking sound]

"Just give me that look
like you understand, like..."

[ Exhales ]

[ Sighs ]

Then say some cool shit like...

[ Inhales deeply ]

[ Deep voice ]
"You know what it is."

[ Normal voice ]
"You know what it is."

That's real nigga talk
right there.

You won my heart with
"You know what it is,"

'cause "You know what it is"

says so much
without saying shit.

So, let's say like --
And brothers understand this.

Like, let's say I'm leaving
the amphitheater tonight

and I see some young brothers
outside and they wanna rob me.

And they see it's me,

and they be impressed like,
"Oh, shit!

Nigga, that's Marlon Wayans!
Oh, I love you!

Wayans Brothers?
Wayans Brothers?

Wayans Brothers?
Come on, my guy.

♪ We brothers ♪

♪ We happy and we singing
and we colored ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da ♪

♪ Gimme a high five! ♪

That was my shit.
Yo, 'Little Man'?

Yo, I cried at 'Little Man',

'cause I got a cousin
that small, man,

so I know that shit be real.

And then 'White Chicks'?
Yo, that shit was a lit--"

[ Cheers and applause ]

"Yo, that -- Yeah,
it was a little gay,

but, nigga, that shit
was funny though.

But, yo, yo, I love y'all, man!

Yo, my family love your family,
but, yo..."

[ Sniffs ]

"Me and my niggas is hungry.

And you got that little chain
on, you know what I'm saying?

And I like them sneakers
you got on.

So as much as I love you...

[sniffs]

...you know what it is."

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Normal voice ]
Somebody give me that shit,

and here, "Take the chain.
Take my sneakers."

That's a real nigga right there.

Don't even pull the gun out,
just take it.

The heist is done.

Same thing with my daughter.

"Nigga, here, take her,
take her, take her.

She deserve a real nigga
like you."

And then when you grab her,
grab her hand and be like,

"Yo, listen, you did
a good job, man.

Just do yourself a favor.

Don't wait up."

And pull up on your skateboard,
ka-ta, ka-ta, ka-ta.

And don't let her on.

Let her chase after you
like a real nigga.

And then turn around and show me
your outie belly button like,

"You know what it is!
You know this shit is real!"

I actually had no anxiety at all
on my daughter's prom night.

Not a drop.
Know why?

'Cause my daughter's gay,
so, yeah.

[ Chuckles ]

That took all --
all the anxiety away.

You know what's funny?

Knowing that my daughter wasn't
gonna be banging some dude

or getting pregnant
or having no disease, I --

That doorbell rang,
I was so relieved.

I went to the doorbell --
Boom-boom! --

I looked through the peephole,

I seen it was a girl,
I said, "Yes!"

[ Laughs ]

"Ooh, this bitch is bad, too.
Hey, how you doing?

Ah, don't call me Mr. Wayans,
call me Mama!"

[ Smooches ]

"Amai, your date is here!

Oh, baby girl,
don't you look beautiful?

Look at you.
Don't she look pretty?

But why your dress so long,
girl? Hike your dress up.

Yeah, show some pussy.
She ho-- Yeah.

Girl, you safe.
This like fishing.

Throw that chum in the water.

Go on, show some pussy!

Now, you girls have fun.
Don't do nothing I wouldn't do."

[ Evil laugh ]
"Now, check it out,

I got y'all a little hotel room,
and guess what?

It's a suite!

Curfew? Bitch, stay out
till Thursday, yeesh."

"Now, check it out,
I got y'all some party favors.

I got you, uh [sniffs]
I got you a little bit of weed.

Just tell the driver
you want some collard greens,

he got that shit
rolled up for you.

I got you some liquor.
I got that good liquor.

I got that Ciroc.

Yeah, that shit that make Diddy
and his kids dance like this.

Every time they hear "Ciroc,"
they just be dancing like this.

Here, take this Molly.
Take the Molly.

Don't do the whole pill.

I got this shit from Miami,

I don't know what the fuck
is in this shit."

[ Cheers and applause ]

"Just give her half,
and you take the other half.

You do the whole thing,
trust me,

it's gonna be really hard for
you to eat vagina like this."

[ Chuckles ]

That's just how it was, man.
I ain't trippin'.

My daughter told me
she was gay

when she was, uh,
she was how old?

She was 15 years old.

And, uh, you know,
I realized I'm not God.

I can't judge.

I'm a father.

And my job as a father
is to love my daughter

unconditionally,
no matter what.

So, I told my daughter,
you know, I said,

"Listen, baby girl," I said,
"You know, I accept you,

but for you,"

I said, "Don't be concreted
in your thoughts,

because you're still a baby.

I mean, life is not a sprint.

This is a marathon.

And what you love today,
you may hate tomorrow."

And I cited an example,
I said,

"Remember when you was little,
you hated peas?

Yeah, you did.
You fucking hated peas.

And what did we do?

We went to the bookstore,
and we got that book.

'Green Eggs and Ham'
by Dr. Seuss.

Now who loves peas?
You do!

Right, so let's go
to the bookstore,

and let's see
if we can find another book.

'Green Eggs and Dick'
by Dr. Seuss.

Yeah, and Daddy
will read it to you

like I did
when you was little."

[ Clears throat ]

"'You can suck it in the park.

You can fuck it in the dark.

You can suck it in the rain.

Watch out for big, buff,
Black dick.

It will surely give you pain.

Oh, dick, it comes
in all shapes.

Some are narrow,
some are wide!

Some are round at the top
and others have sleeves.

They call those uncircumcised.

And if you know these dicks
I'm speaking,

the uncircumcised ones
usually belong

to Dominicans
and Puerto Ricans.'"

[ Laughter ]

[ Chuckles ]

No, but my daughter was like,

"No, Dad,
you're not getting it."

She said, "I'm gay,

so you love me
or you leave me alone."

And she gave me two options,
but I only heard one,

which is to love her, right?

Yeah.

I mean, it actually made me
look at myself.

Like, the fact that
she's living her truth?

I picked up the mirror
and I said,

"Shit, am I living my truth?

I'm lying here next to her
mother every night,

and this shit don't feel right."

"I'm wearing these skinny-ass
leather pants

that's giving me male camel toe.

What the fuck is going on?"

And I realized something.

I wasn't living my truth.

And I thanked my daughter.

I said, "Thank you,
you freed me."

I said, "Baby girl, Daddy...

likes pussy, too."

"I do!
Oh, I love pussy!

Not your mama's.
I'm tired of that shit."

I've been fucking that
for 25 years.

It's like an old piece
of chewing gum.

I just wanna put it up
underneath a desk

and watch it get on somebody
else's jeans and be laughing.

I've learned
I like all kinds of pussy.

I like White pussy.

Yes, I said it, sisters.

And I'll say it to your face.
I like White pussy.

So white, you can hear the "H"
when I pronounce it.

Hh-white!

And look at this brother,
he smiling.

He said, "Man, me too!"

And I like them a little racist.

I like a little Karen.
I'll go down --

I'll go down to Sarasota
and grab me a fucking Karen,

and I'll fuck her ass and
change her whole perspective.

I'll put that dick so deep,
she'll be like,

[ Screaming ]
"Black Lives Matter!"

[ Cheers and applause,
laughter ]

And I like Latina chocha.
Sí!

Me gusta Latina chocha mucho!

Yeah, I like the gorda labias.

Ah, yes.

And [with accent] yes, yes.

[ Normal voice ]
And then I fuck,

and she fucking call me names,

she like, "Ay, negrito sucio!"

And I say, "Sí.

Negrito su...cio!"

And I like Black.

I like Black, Black, Black,

Bla-a-a-a-a-a-ck pussy.

I'm talking fucking
Black Lives Matter black.

Civil Rights Movement black.

Wyclef Jean's kneecap black.

Bobby Brown crack finger black.

[ Laughs ]

Wesley Snipes' everything black.

And that pussy been
through so much.

All Black women been through
so much trouble and oppression.

She ain't impressed
by nothing you do.

You can't hurt that pussy.

You pull their panties down
and pussy got attitude,

look at you like, "Tsk."

"That's all you got?"

[ Sighs deeply ]

Ah, it feels so good
to live my truth.

Thank you, baby girl,
for accepting me.

[ Sighs ]

Come on.
Let's go live our truth.

Let's go tell your mother, huh?

You first, bitch.
I'll be over here.

I'm proud.

I'm so proud of her
that Pride month passed,

and I put a post up
on my Instagram.

And I wrote her
a beautiful caption.

I said, "Happy Pride Month
to my pride and joy.

I'm so proud of you
for living your truth,

for having the courage
to just be you."

I said, "Daddy loves you
to the moon and back,

around the stars,
through every galaxy.

And one day, when God takes me,
may he bring me back again

to find you exactly the way
you are

and love you
for the rest of eternity.

Love always, Daddy."

[ Applause ]

But you know, on Instagram,
there's always that one comment.

That one negative nigga
with a little dick.

Lonely, insecure, mad he living
in his mama's basement

that's full of fucking mold.

Well, this piece of shit --
Chaz0135.

He writes, "I can't believe you
would teach your daughter this."

I said, "Hey, motherfucker.

I didn't teach this little girl
how to be gay!"

How do you teach somebody
to be gay? Tell me.

What do you think I did?
You think I sat her down

and told her her alphabets
like this?

"Listen, fuck ABC.

All you need to know is LGBTQ.
That's all!"

I didn't teach her to be gay.

Sometimes that's just
the way they are.

I need y'all to listen
to your kids.

I should have known she was gay.
You know how?

I remember when my daughter
was born, right?

My daughter was three --

My daughter was three
and a half weeks late

when we gave birth to her.

Three and a half weeks.
We had to induce labor.

We used Pitocin to get her out.

Her mother was in labor
for 42 hours,

trying to push
this little girl out.

So obviously, this little bitch
loved pussy!

But see, I wasn't listening.

So I look at guys
like Chaz0135, and I go,

"Listen, sometimes that's just
the way the child comes.

And how dare you try
to shame a young lady

that's just trying to find
her way in the world."

That shit pissed me off.

I'm a troll, I went to
that motherfucker's profile,

I started looking --
thinking of jokes.

Oh, I called my brothers.
Yes, I called for backup.

I said, "Shawn,
Keenen, Damon.

Instagram. Chaz0135.
Koo-koo!"

[ Applause ]

Oh, we a family full of niggas.

They hit me back with the "Soo!"

Yeah, and I was starting to --

like, we about to light him up
with jokes,

but then I saw that Chaz0135
had a brand-new baby girl.

And so I seen where
his insecurity was coming from.

So I instantly called
my boys off,

called the boys off, was like...
[ makes bird sound ]

Oh, that's bird talk for
"Back up, back up, back up."

And they hit me back
with the...[ makes bird sound ]

That's, "Alright, nigga,
you good, you good, you good."

[ Chuckles ]
Because I know some--

I'm gonna tell you something.

I'm a -- I'm a man of God.

"No weapon formed against me
shall prosper."

Yes.

I saw the same Tyler Perry movie
as you, sister, same one.

Because you realize something,
that there's a karma to life.

You ain't gotta do nothing
to bad people.

Let me tell you something,
Chaz0135.

One day when your baby girl
grows up,

and she turns 19,
and she comes out the closet...

...I'm gonna have
my daughter fuck her!

'Cause I'm a motherfucking troll
like that.

[ Laughter ]

Guess what?
I got gay friends.

You should see the looks
that I get from people

when I hang out
with my gay friends.

Even my straight guy friends
be looking at me

when I hang out
with my gay guy friends.

They be looking at me like,
"Oh, hey, watch out, bro.

Watch out."

"Watch out for what?
This shit ain't contagious.

This shit ain't COVID.

Like, you can't catch gay,
nigga, like..."

You acting like I hang out with
my gay friends and I catch gay

and I show up the next day
and I'm just coughing up dick.

"Hey, Marlon, how you doing?"

"I don't feel so good!"

"What happened to you?"

"Oh, I hung out with Aubrey,
and he sneezed on me,

and I just been coughing up dick
all day!"

[ Sneezes ]
"Oh, I keep this up,

I think I'm gonna have
to call in dick to work.

This getting crazy."

No, can't catch gay.

And I'm glad I got
my gay friends.

'Cause that's who
I consulted with

when it was time for me
to figure out my daughter.

I sat my gay buddy down,
I said, "Hey, bro,"

I said, "Let me ask you
ask you a question."

I said, "When did you know
you were gay?"

He looked at me, he said,
[Effeminate voice] "Well..."

[ Normal voice ]
He -- he did.

He got -- he got noodley on me.

He said, [Effeminate voice]
"Well..."

[ Normal voice ]
And he made this little noise.

He went [clicks tongue]

I said, "What the fuck?

What was that noise?

You just pull off an imaginary
penis to answer my question?"

[ Laughs ]

You know, me and my friend,
we continued to talk.

He asked,
"What are you gonna do?"

And I said,
"I'm gonna accept her."

And he said, "That's
the only thing you can do.

I wasn't so lucky.

I haven't spoken to my father
since the day I came out."

And that shit fucked me up, man.
That shit had me thinking.

I was like, "Damn.

What if it was
my son that was gay?"

Like, what would that prom night
be like?

Let's go on a little journey.

[ Chuckles ]

Doorbell rings.

"Boom-boom."
I get all excited.

Yeah, let's see
what he working with!

[ Laughs ]

[ Screams ]

Unh-unh.

What in the fuck?

Aw.

This nigga.

"Shawn, come downstairs,
your dick is here.

I mean, your date is here!

Yeah, there's weed
in the glove box.

Roll me a blunt, please.
Shit, I need one.

Uh, also, guys, I-I got you
some, uh, liquor.

I got liquor.
I got Ciroc in there.

Yeah, yeah, you can drink
the Ciroc.

But also I got you
some Hennessy.

You may wanna pour the brown
liquor on your booty hole

and just numb it up a little

before you do
what you're gonna do."

And I be like, "Here, here,
hey, guys, here.

Take the Molly.
Take the Molly.

Wait, how -- how tall are you?
6'4"?

Oh, Goddamn, here take five.

May be a little easier for you
to take that dick

if you're a little bit high."

Like...[groans]

But then I would take a beat,
and I would think to myself

that on the other side
of my fear is my son.

My child that God gave me,
the boy that I raised.

And no child deserves
to go unloved

or unsupported
because of their sexuality.

[ Applause ]

This is a real issue
for fathers,

especially
in the Black community.

So yes, I will call
my gay son back.

I'll be like, "Come here, nigga.
Come here. Come here.

Just him please.
Thanks, Sasquatch."

I'll be like, "Look,
I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry.

It's just that, you know,
this whole gay thing

just crept up on me
from behind.

Not behind like, 'Oh!'
You know what I mean?

You know, it's just that,
you know,

I'm just having a hard time
trying to swallow it.

Not swallow it like [gagging]

Okay, it's just that,
when you was little,

I-I-I was like,
'Hey, I got a son,

and we gonna play ball together!
Yay!'

And I didn't know you wanted
to play with dudes,

so that's kinda
fucking me up.

But let me ask you something.

Are you happy?

No, are you really happy?

And this is your life?

Then fuck it,
I'm happy for you.

And I accept you.

You're my son.
Come here, boy, I love you.

I'm proud of you.
Come here.

Give me a hug, come here.

Put your arms around me.

Stop being gay.
Put your arms around me.

I love you, boy.
[ Smooches ]

Alright. Go ahead, nigga,
go enjoy your prom night.

Yeah, you look pretty
in your dress, okay?"

Just do me a favor.

For your dad.

From nigga...to niggette.

Just don't be no bitch-ass
nigga.

You fuck that nigga
in his ass.

Yeah! You give him
the Wayans stroke!

Yeah, boy! Yeah!

Yeah, boy! Yeah, boy!
Yeah!

[ Speaks indistinctly ]

I got a son.

He ain't gay,
but he's an asshole.

I don't know what happens to
kids when they become teenagers.

They just turn into dickheads.

My son's a dickhead.

Like, you know,
when he was little,

when he was 4 years old,

that boy worshipped the ground
I walked on.

I couldn't go anywhere
without him

following me around or crying.

I would leave the house
for one minute,

this boy would lose his mind.

[ Crying ]
"I want my daddy!

I want my daddy!
I want my daddy!

No, get off me, Mom!
I don't want you, I want Dad!"

[ Normal voice ]
And I'd come back in the house,

I'd be like, "Hey, son!
I'm home!"

He'd go, "Dad!"
and he would run to me,

and he'd grab my leg and go,
"Dad, you my best friend.

Don't ever leave again.
Don't ever leave again."

And I'd say, "Aw, there,
there, little nigga.

[ Chuckles ]

I just went to the store, man.
Get the fuck up off me."

That's when my son
was 4 years old.

My son is 18 years old now.

Boy, does times change.

I was gone for three
and a half months.

Three and a half months.

I would call my son.

Shit go right to voicemail.

So I text his little ass.

He didn't text me back.
No bubbles, no nothing.

He wasn't even attempting
to hit me back.

So I FaceTime his ass.

Shit said "Unavailable."

Just a picture of me
looking stupid like...

So I hit him on Facebook.

You know he unfriended me?

So I dipped into his Instagram.

This motherfucker unfollowed me.

But he still follows
Chaz0135.

So now at this point, I'm like,
"What's this dude's problem?"

And I started getting mad,
but then I started thinking,

"Well, maybe he just misses me,

and he don't know
how to express that."

But you know what?

When I come home
after three and a half months,

he's gonna come running to me
like he did when he was little.

He's gonna grab my leg and say,
"Dad, don't ever leave again.

Don't ever leave again."

And, boy, was I wrong.

I came in the house
after three and a half months.

I was so cocky.

I walked in, I dropped my bags,

I said, "Son!

Daddy's home!"

This jackass looked at me,
he said,

[ Sniffs ]
"What up, nigga?"

And then he walked away.

I said, "Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, nigga,

if you don't get
the fuck over here

and give me the proper greeting,
a hug and a kiss,

I swear to God, I will shove you
back in my dick,

and I will shoot you
into a sock!"

Yeah, you better consider
yourself lucky you here.

It's 'cause of me.
It's 'cause of my shot.

'Cause, boy, I coulda
shot you anywhere.

I coulda shot you on a wall,

I coulda shot you on the
ceiling. I could reach!

I just gotta hold it
and then, bow!

I coulda shot you in the sink,
right down the drain.

I coulda back-handed you or shot
you in your mama's hair.

I coulda shot you in her face,

'cause your mama like
that type of shit, son.

And it's not that I'm upset.

It's that I'm hurt.

Father's Day come.

The one fucking day that fathers
get to be loved and appreciated.

My daughter,
she posts a picture of me,

she writes me
nine measly words.

"Happy Father's Day, Dad.

You a good dude."

I said, "No, little gay bitch.
You a good dude."

But I gotta give it to her.

At least she gave me
some effort.

She wrote words.

My son, this little dickhead,
he writes me three letters.

#HFD.

Y'all, I was so confused,
I was like,

"Houston Fire Department,
what the fuck?"

[ Chuckles ]

It took me to Christmas
to realize

this jackass was saying
"Happy Father's Day."

And I don't know
what I did wrong.

'Cause when you parent,
there's no proper formula.

But I know I left
one important ingredient out.

I...

didn't spank my children.

Um, all the sisters like,
"Oh, you did what?

Send them motherfuckers
to my house.

I got you, boo.

I'll beat they ass and send them
right back to you.

No, I wo-- I'll put cocoa butter
on they little scars

and send them
right fucking back."

Spanking's just some shit
that we inherited from slavery.

And all we doing is passing that
damage down to our own children.

White folks don't do that.
They talk to their kids.

You see little kids in
the supermarket throwing shit

and shitting in
fucking cereal boxes and...

[ Mock White voice ]
"Stop that, Jimmy.

Jimmy, no, that's not nice.

You're making me anxious,
Jimmy."

[ Normal voice ] Nig?

Black folks' kid grab
a cereal box,

"I'll kill ya, nigga!
Bap bap!"

We gotta stop that shit, y'all.

That's some bullshit.

And I remember the day
that I was at that crossroad

where I was gonna spank -
where I --

I--I chose not to spank
my son or my kids.

So, my son was 4 years old,

and he had one of his buddies
over at the house.

Little badass kid.

Little nigga, name was like
Tyrese or Tyrell.

I think anything with
a "Ty" in it --

Tyrese, Tyrell,
Ty-Ty, Tyrone,

he gonna spend time in juvie
at some point in his life.

He a bad little nigga.

He had the cornrows, little
tattoo on his neck and shit.

And my son, they were --
he playing --

they were playing ball
in the house.

Boppity-boppity-boppity-bah.

And you know, my children's
mother, she got all upset.

She started nagging.

"Shawn, stop playing ball
in the house!"

And you know kids, they don't
listen to their mother.

Like, "Yeah, whatever, bitch."

Boppity-boppity-boppity-bah.

So she calls me in.

"Marlon, I told Shawn to stop
playing ball in the house

and he ain't listening!"

So, you know, I hit him
with the daddy voice.

I said, [ Deep voice ]
"Hey, hey, hey!"

[ Normal voice ] Every nigga
with a father just...

That's what my son did.

I said, [ Deep voice ]
"Hey, hey, hey!

Your mama says
stop playing ball in the house,

you stop playing ball in the
house, you understand me?"

[ Normal voice ]
My son said, "Okay."

And then Tyrese, this little
fatherless motherfucker.

I say that 'cause he was immune
to daddy voice.

So I squeezed one of my balls
to get the ball --

to get the voice
a little deeper.

I said, [ Deeper voice ]
"Hey, nigga, I don't care

if I'm your daddy or not,
you better stop playing ball

in the Goddamn house
before I kick your little ass."

[ Normal voice ] He said,
"Man, you ain't my daddy."

I said, "I see why
your daddy left you,

you little piece of shit."

And so he's still
dribbling the ball.

I told my son,
"Hey, you better not play.

He can do what the fuck he want,
but you?

You better listen to me."
My son said, "Okay."

So Tyrese is dribbling the ball.

Bobbity-bobbity-bobbity-bop.
Bobbity-bop.

He crossing over.
Bobbity-bop. Bobbity-bop.

Through the legs.
Bop-bop-bop.

And he doing behind-the-back
drills. Bop-bop.

He playing ball so good,
this shit looked fun.

I want the nigga
to pass me the ball.

So, at a point, my son
looking at Tyrese,

and he's all impressed,
and then he look at me.

And he'd look back at Tyrese
dribbling the ball.

And he'd look at me.

And he'd look at Tyrese
dribbling the ball,

and he'd look at Tyrese,
he'd go, "Hey, Tyrese!

Pass me the ball!"

Man, I got so mad,
I forgot my son was my son.

Matter of fact, I forgot
he was a kid, period.

I talked to him like
he was a grown-ass man.

I said, "Man, are you out
your motherfucking mind!

You know who the fuck I am,
nigga?

You don't know me, nigga!

Oh, fuck, I'll fuck you up, boy!
I'll fuck you up!

You don't know me!
You don't know me, nigga!

My mama don't know me,
and I came out of her.

You know who you fucking with?

I'll fucking chuck
your little ass!"

And his mother ran to him,
she said,

"Marlon, what you doing?"

I said, "Bitch,
this your fault!"

She said, "Put him down."
So I put his little ass down.

She said, "What's wrong with
you?" I said, "I don't know!"

So she grabbed me,
brought me to the bathroom.

And I came out the door, said,
"I'ma fuck you up, Shawn!

And Tyrese,
I'm fucking you up, too!"

And that's when Tyrese
pulled out his knife,

he said,
"Yeah, nigga, come on with it.

Come on with it."

So Angela grabs me
into the bathroom.

And at this point, I'm fucking
crying and I'm shaking.

And she's like,
"What's wrong with you?"

I was like,
"I don't fucking know!"

And I look in the mirror.

And then my face morphs to me
as a little boy.

And I started thinking about
all the ass-whoopings

that my father gave me.

And I started thinking about how
much those ass-whoopings hurt.

Not just my heart, but my ass.

And I started thinking that
every time my father hit me,

it only made me
further away from him.

It made me distant
from my father.

I love my father now as a man,
but as a kid, I didn't love him.

I feared him.

Every time my father
called my name -- "Marlon!"

Yo, my heart would beat fast,
I'd piss my leg a little bit.

My leg would get itchy,
my ass would get small.

My booty hole get nervous.
Booty hole be looking over.

[ Silly voice ]
Oh, shit, you in trouble now.

[ Normal voice ]
And it got to the point

where sometimes it wasn't even
for a spanking.

For good shit, I'd get scared!

"Marlon!" Ha!
[ Sobs ]

"Here, take this,
go get some ice cream."

"Oh, my God, what kind
of fucking mind trick is this?"

Because what parents
don't realize,

especially a father,
you are your child's superhero.

So every time you hit your kid,
it's like Spider-Man made a web

that was a belt
and whooped his little ass.

Like Superman took off his cape

and made one of them
little towels

that you hit niggas in the ass
in the locker room.

Sh-pap!
Sh-pap!

That's what it feels like!

And so I chose
not to hit my son.

Instead, I sent him to bed.
I said, "Go to bed!

And don't eat!

Ever! Nigga, you better
not ever eat again!"

So 4:00 in the morning,
I woke his little ass up.

I said, "Shawn!"

He got up all scared.
I could hear his heartbeat.

Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.

I could see a little pee
dribbling down his leg.

His little ass got tight.

His little booty hole
started talking to me.

[ Silly voice ]
Oh, shit, you in trouble now!

[ Normal voice ] And my boy
started crying, he said,

"You gonna spank me?
You just gonna spank me, Dad?

You gonna spank me?
I don't care, you can spank me!

I don't care!
You can spank me!"

I said,
"I ain't gonna spank you."

Said, "I'ma talk to you."
And I sat him down.

I said, "Let me tell you
something.

What you did yesterday..."

I said, "You hurt my feelings."

And my son started crying,
he said, "Oh, God, Dad.

Don't say that.

I didn't mean
to hurt your feelings, Dad."

I said, "You broke the trust."

He said, "Oh, God, no!

Say it ain't so!
Say it ain't so!

[ Sobs ] I didn't mean
to break the trust, Dad.

Not the trust!

What's trust?

How much is it?

Can Mom buy some more trust
on Amazon?"

I said, "You disappointed me."

He said,
"Oh, Dad, I didn't mean

[sobs] to ussapoint...you!"

And I said to myself, "Oh, shit.

White power words work!"

So I started hitting him with
all kind of White power words.

I said,
"Yes, and furthermore!"

"No, Dad, don't go no further!"

"I -- I -- I'm appalled."

No, Dad, don't call Paul!"

"And I'm exacerbated
by your action!"

"Oh, Dad, don't masturbate
on the actions!"

I said, "So why would you
listen to Tyrese over me?"

He said, "I don't know, Dad."

He said, "Shit,
'cause I was scared, Dad!

I was scared!"
I said, "Why? Of what?"

He says, "Of Tyrese."
I said, "Why?"

He said, "Dad,

he got a outie belly button!"

[ Laughter ]

And you know what's funny, man?

Is I wanna blame my kids
for our relationship,

but that would be wrong of me,
and that'd be immature.

As a man, I gotta blame myself.

I fucked up.

Somewhere along the line,
I fucked up.

And I've been trying to trace
my steps, like, "What did I do?

Did I spoil them?

I knew I shouldn't have never
told them niggas I had money.

I should have raised them
in the projects.

They need more government cheese
in their life."

[ Chuckles ]

Or was it because I got caught
cheating on their mother

on a boat in St. Bart's?

I don't think that's it.
I think it was...

spoiling them,
I definitely think.

I fucked up, man.
I did.

And I'll tell y'all a story.
Fuck it, you know?

What had happened was...
[ Laughs ]

That's how you know it was bad,
when you,

"Well, what had happened was..."

Alright, uh, shit.

Alright. Real talk.

Alright, so years back,

I did a movie called
"A Haunted House."

And, yeah, it was
really successful.

Like this shit, I made it
for a million dollars.

It made like $100 million
dollars worldwide.

I made so much money,
I felt like Jay-Z.

I was like, "Yo,
I'm going somewhere hot

where there's no mosquitos!
Yeah!"

I was like, "Yo, I'm going
to St. Bart's.

I'ma rent a yacht!"
But see, Jay-Z is so smart,

I see why this nigga's
a billionaire.

'Cause Jay-Z, he brings
Beyoncé and them babies

to St. Bart's with him.

Yeah, see, me, I fucked up.

I brought a nigga named Steve.

I'm out in St. Bart's, right?

And I'm in the middle
of the ocean.

I don't even know how paparazzi
got my picture.

We was in the middle
of the fucking ocean

with some girls on the boat.

And I swear,
paparazzi is sneaky.

I was like,
"Where the fuck were they?"

Were they in a fucking
dolphin,

just...[ Imitating dolphin ]

[ Imitating
camera shutter clicking ]

I didn't know where they was!

And so, I didn't know
until I got back to my hotel.

I get back to my hotel,
I'm feeling myself,

got my shirt off,
got the Coppertone tan.

I'm like, "Yeah,
we did that, Steve!

Yeah, we did that."

And then my phone buzzed.

[ Makes buzzing sound ]

What the fuck is that?

So I picked up the phone,

and see,
I put Google alerts on myself,

'cause as y'all see
from this set,

I say a lot of stupid shit,

so I need to know
the stupid shit I say,

so I can call my publicist,

so she can put the stupid shit
I say,

and say it was a lie,
when it probably was the truth.

[ Laughs ]

I pick it up.

"Paris Mail."

[ French accent ]
"Marlon Wayans caught

on the boat kissing
the beautiful mademoiselle,

or was this a mistress
in St. Bart's?

Uh-oh!"

[ Normal voice ]
I put that phone down.

I was like, "Oh, fuck! Fuck!"
I was like, "Shit!"

I was like, "Okay, Angie
don't know shit about France.

Okay, she don't know shit
about French at all.

She calls Gucci 'Gucky.'
She don't know shit!

She still think I bought her
a 'Channel' bag for Christmas.

Alright, so maybe I'll go

by the Louis 'Vootton' store
and buy her a bag

just in case she does find out."

But I was like,
"Alright, relax, relax.

She don't know no publications
out the country.

That's some White shit."

So I put my phone down.

Motherfucker buzzed again.

[ Makes buzzing noise ]

I pick it up.

Nigga.

"Bossip."

"Media Take Out."

"Shade Room."

"Essence" magazine.

"Ebony" magazine.

Everybody had the same title.

"Marlon Wayans caught on boat
in St. Bart's,

cheating on his children's
mother with a White bitch!"

[ Chuckles ] And I don't know
if y'all know Black culture,

but look, it's one thing
to fuck a-- fuck around,

but you fuck around
with White girls,

sisters don't like
that shit too much.

That's why we be lying.

Niggas be like, "Oh, she
wasn't -- she wasn't White.

She was mixed.

Yeah, she was Swedish
and Irish and German,

but she wasn't White,
you know what I mean?"

And sisters, you should have
seen the articles.

They was lighting me up.
They was like,

"I can't believe
this funny-looking nigga

had the nerve to cheat.

I could see if it was Shawn,
but not this bird-looking nigga.

He look like a ostrich
that fell in some fucking oil.

I can see if it was Damon,
at least he's funny.

I wanna sit on his
smushed-up face.

But Marlon?
He got some fucking nerve.

Him and Nick Cannon
need to go crawl

under the same rock and die."

I was like, "Oh, shit!"

They're like,
"I can't believe he got caught

cheating with a White bitch,"
and I'm like,

"Okay, sisters,
if she was Black,

would y'all
be happier about that?"

Like you pick up the thing
and you see,

"Oh, my God, I can't believe

Marlon Wayans got caught
cheating.

[ Gasps ] With a Black bitch!

That's why I fucks with Marlon.

I always like Marlon the best!

I did.
He got big dick swag."

And so now,
I start getting the phone calls.

Paparazzi took so many pictures
of me,

my brothers find out shit
about me they didn't know I did.

Phone rings. Keenen.

[ As Keenen ]
"Now, what's up, little boy?

How you doing?

Mm, looks like
you're having a bad day.

And when did you learn
how to scuba dive?"

[ Normal voice ]
Hang up on him. Shawn.

[ As Shawn ] "Hey, stupid!
What are you doing, stupid?

What are you doing
in the fucking ocean?

You fucking drowned in a bathtub

when we was fucking 8 years old,
you fucking stupid.

When did you learn
how to Jet Ski?

You crashed your fucking
Big Wheel three times.

Why would you get a fucking
Jet Ski, stupid?"

[ Normal voice ]
He hangs up the phone. Damon.

[ As Damon ] "Hey, ugly,
how you doing?

Mm.

I'm doing better than you,
that's for sure.

Hey, let me ask you something.

When did you learn
how to snorkel?

Mm-mm-mm."

[ Normal voice ]
So then my children's mother.

[ As Angie's ]
"You stupid motherfucker.

I can't believe
you got caught cheating!

Can't you be more discreet?"

[ Normal voice ]
I said, "Baby,

I was in the middle
of the Atlantic Ocean,

8,500 miles away.

You gotta know the latitude
and longitude of my dick

to catch me."

"Well, they caught
your stupid ass.

And look at you
looking all stupid."

Women are funny.

'Cause it wasn't the kiss
that she was mad about.

She found the little shit.

I said, "I know, I can't believe
I was sitting there

kissing that girl, I'm so --
I know it's so embarrassing."

She said, "I don't give a fuck
about that little, pasty,

little bitch with her little,
thin-ass bologna lips,

that scraggly-looking bitch.

Look at your stupid foot.
Look at your stupid little foot.

Look at that shit
all pigeon-toed,

bird foot motherfucker,
looking like a old son --

a fucking parrot
twisted his ankle.

Look how stupid your fucking
foot look up in the air,

looking all stupid."

[ Chuckles ]

She had me looking like,
"Oh, shit, I am pigeon-toed.

Ain't that a bitch."

And she goes, "I can't believe
you got caught

cheating with a White bitch!"

I said, "Ang, she wasn't White.
She was mixed.

She was Swedish and Irish
and German,

and -- and I think she might
have had been a little bit Nazi,

but she wasn't White,
like, you're tripping."

She hangs up the phone.

Then my buddy Steve,
he comes to the rescue.

[ As Steve ]
"Marlon, listen.

[ Scoffs ]
All she got was pictures.

Pictures are worth
a thousand words.

All you have to do
is corroborate a story.

We don't know what happened
in that picture.

So here's the story
we're gonna tell.

We went in the middle
of the ocean,

and -- and -- and we went
in a yacht,

and we saw some mermaids."

"And the mermaids was drowning.

Bloop-bloop-bloop.
Bloop-bloop-bloop.

And you, being the good
Samaritan that you are,

you jumped overboard,
being a hero.

You grabbed the mermaid
to safety,

and you brought her on board.

And you wasn't kissing her!
No. No, no, no.

You was giving her
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation."

[ Normal voice ] I said, "Nigga,
if you don't get the fuck away

from me, I swear to God,

I will wrap this anchor
around your neck

and put you in the bottom
of this fucking ocean,

so help me God."

So now, I gotta go home,
and I gotta face the music.

And see, that day was
the worst day of my life.

That's some shit that I'm
gonna regret till my dying day.

I'm gonna be in the coffin.

They gonna close the lid,
I'm like,

"I'm sorry about the boat!"

Because it's one thing to break
your woman's heart.

It's another thing
to break your kid's heart.

And I remember,
I went to her house.

I stop at my house,
and I grab my Bible.

Yeah, 'cause it's really hard
to throw hot grits

on a nigga holding a Bible.

And I walk up to the door,
and I knock on the door.

And she sees me
holding the Bible, I said,

"Bible study, my sister."

And she starts to laugh,
because, you know, I...

That's the thing
that she fell in love with.

The fact that I have humor.

I ain't cute,
so it's definitely the humor.

And she was like,
"Don't make me laugh.

Don't -- I fucking hate you.
Don't make me --

Is that really a Bibl--

Fuck it, I hate you.

Don't make me laugh!"
And she hit me.

I said, "Um, sister, it says
'Thou shalt not kill.'"

And she said,
"Yeah, and it also says,

'Thou shalt not fuck
White bitches in St. Bart's.'"

I said, "She wasn't White.
She was mixed."

[ Laughs ]

And she's like,
"Get your ass in there."

And then [chuckles]
she goes, "Go ahead.

Talk to your kids."

I said, "Talk to the kids?"
"Yeah, tell them what you did."

"Tell them what you did?"
Fuck it.

You got a page out the book
"The Mack"? What the fuck?

Stick yourself, Tony.
Stick yourself.

So she said, "No, talk to them."

I look at the table, and my kids
are sitting at the table.

My son, he looked like --
He's so sad,

he looks like
his pet turtle died.

And my daughter, she's sitting
there holding

her little naked dollies,
just [humming]

I said,
"Hey, kids, how you doing?

Um, remember when Daddy
said he wasn't perfect?

Well, there's something
on the Internet

that proves that theory,
so whatever you do,

don't Google my name."

My daughter said,
"Too late, Dad. Hmm.

Can't believe you got
caught cheating on Mom.

[ Chuckles ]
With a White bitch."

I said, "She wasn't White.
She was mixed!

She was Swedish and Irish
and German,

and a little bit Aryan,
but I don't --

I don't think she was White."

And she goes, "Don't worry, Dad.
I accept you."

I said, "You do?"
I said, "You forgive me?"

She goes, "Yeah, I forgive you.
And I accept you.

But, you know, there's
gonna be some things

you're gonna have to accept
about me, too,

later on in life."

And she took her two
little white dollies

and put they pussies together.

And I was like, "Okay."

And so, I said to my son,

I said,
"Son, do you forgive me?"

He said,
"Yeah, I forgive you, Dad.

But I'm really ussapointed.

And furthermore, I think
you should call Paul.

And I need you to really
masturbate on your actions,

'cause sh..."

And I said, "I think I know
what you mean. I'm sorry."

I said, "I love you,
and I'ma make it up to you guys.

I promise.

If I gotta spend
the rest of my life

making it up to you, I will.

And I love you."

And I gave them both kisses.
[ Smooches ]

And they said, "Okay."

And I went to walk off,
and I was like, "Oh, thank God."

And my son said, "Hey, Dad?"
I said, "Huh?"

Said, "I got a few
more questions."

I said, "You do?

Okay, shoot, Tiger, what --
what you got?

You wanna know the weather
in St. Bart's?

It's hot, humid, you know,
no mosquitos. It's cool."

He said, "Mnh-mnh."

He said, "How many girls
was on the boat?

Where did you meet these girls?

How did they get there?

Did you know them all?

That one you was kissing,
how do you know her?

Where do you know her from?

Did you fly her in?

Did she fly first class?

Did she fly coach?
Or was she Delta Comfort?

What's this girl's Instagram?

What's her number?
Do you love her?"

I said, "Hey, nigga,

where you get these
fucking questions from?"

And I look over at his mother,

who got a whole list
of questions,

and she's checking them off.

"Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

And don't forget to ask
if he wore a condom."

I said,
"You wanna know the truth?

Fuck it.
You wanna know the truth?

I'ma tell you the fucking truth.
Here's the truth.

The movie was very successful.
I made a lot of fucking money,

and I wanted to go somewhere hot
where there was no mosquitos,

so I went to St. Bart's.

And me and my boy rented a boat,

and we went out
to the middle of the ocean.

And we saw some mermaids...

and they were drowning."

[ Laughs ]

No, but re--
[chuckles] real talk?

You know, you gotta understand,
fame is hard, man.

I've been doing this shit
for 30 years.

And temptation
is fucking real, man.

Like, I could say "No"
to a thousand girls.

But, man, a thousand and one,

sometimes they come
with a thousand and two.

And then they bring a thousand
and three and four and...

[ Deep voice ]
You know what it is.

[ Normal voice ]
I love y'all, I thank y'all.

Good night!

[ Cheers and applause ]

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