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[audience cheering,
applauding]

[male announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen,

Colin Quinn!

[cheering, applause continue]

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Four pages. That's how long
the Constitution is.

If you haven't read it, I hope
you feel as stupid as I felt

last year
when I started this show

and I hadn't read it yet.

Four pages.

That's the whole thing.
That's our whole country

based on four pages,

which is pretty amazing,
the Constitution.

But the thing is,
it worked while it worked,

and now this country's
about to break up.

And people see this country

as either, you know,
the last best hope--

hard work and fair play--

or exploitation and greed,

depending on, you know,
however you like to see things.

And like I said,
we're going to break up.

This country's
gonna get divorced.

Red states, blue states.
A house divided cannot stand.

And you know who said that.

Kris Jenner.
That's correct. And--

And we're gonna break up

'cause people keep trying
to tell each other what to do.

That's our whole thing.

I want people to act thisway,
I want people to act thatway.

But the whole point
of the Constitution

is nobody gets to tell
each other what to do.

We don't get along--
We don't agree on anything,

but everybody
loves the Constitution.

I mean, soccer moms and
strippers both talk about it.

You know, cops and criminals,

the Tea Party and the ACLU,

everybody believes
in the Constitution.

Yeah, Declaration
of Independence

never really took off
the way people thought it would.

You know,
that was important, too.

That was like our divorce papers
from England.

That was-- You know, "when
in the course of human events,

it becomes necessary--"

It's not you, England,
it's us,

but we have to move away.

But the Constitution,
everybody here knows it.

We all know what it says.
Nobody had to read it.

You know, four pages,
like I said.

You don't have this kind
of time, but, you know,

everybody knows what it says
because you can quote it.

When your friends
get pulled over outside a bar,

you have the friend
that's a lawyer--

"Don't worry.
They can't touch you.

If you're within 50 feet
of a U.S. mailbox,

it's a federal offense."

You know.

That's the thing
about the Constitution.

It's the only document,
the drunker you get,

the better you understand
what it says, you know.

And that's because it was
written by the founding fathers.

Our constitution was written
during a convention,

which is a four-month bar crawl

they had in Philadelphia
in like 1787, you know.

That's why
our national character,

our personality as a country,

is kind of a bar personality.

People looked at us
like the shining light on the--

the beacon, like fun.

They're having fun.
The bar's open and--

You know, we were
a friendly country,

a generous country.

We could be a little pushy
sometimes, though,

not read the room, you know.

Just like, "Try democracy.
Give it a try.

Why don't you give it
a sip, you know?"

It's like,
"It won't work over here."

"Trust me. It'll work in Iraq.
Here. Try it, you know."

-You know.
-[audience laughing]

We're a flirtatious country.
We're like,

"Come on over to our place
after it closes.

Everybody. Your tired,
your poor, your huddled masses.

Don't worry."

Then wake up the next day--

"Jesus Christ, what are all
these people doing at my house?

How am I gonna--

You know, how am I
gonna feed everybody?

Who's that on my couch?

I can't cook breakfast
for everybody." You know.

We're the world's police.
Whenever there's trouble,

the whole world
still comes to us, America.

Two tribes in the Middle East
are about to go to war,

we're like,
"Oh-ho-ho, break it up, guys.

Seriously, truce.
Here. Here's $20.

Buy them both a drink.

No more fight, right?"
They're like, "Okay."

The minute we walk away,
they're like,

"Every time we fight,
they give us $20.

I don't know.
You wanna--"

[audience laughing]

We borrow money that we need

and then lend the money
that we just borrowed.

Only drunks do shit like this.
Do you understand now?

We never know
how much we have on us.

We're always like,
"Hold on.

I had trillions of dollars
a couple of years ago.

A couple of wars,
a few bailouts.

I can't be that broke,
you know."

We were the country
everybody just looked to

'cause we were
always happy America.

And now we're unhappy.

Like I said,
we're about to break up.

It used to be
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.

Now it looks like a scene
from Reservoir Dogs.

Everybody's--

And we're unhappy
for a couple of reasons.

One is, we got
to know each other,

'cause none of the states
knew each other.

We didn't know each other.

Nobody didn't knew Arizona and
New York didn't know each other.

You didn't ever see each other.

But the Internet got invented,
and suddenly they're like,

"Oh, my God,
that state's like that?

I didn't realize that."

[audience laughing]

And the other thing was,
we went broke.

And when you're broke, nothing's
that cute anymore, you know.

And why did we go broke?

We went broke because we were
trying to make everybody happy.

That's the American dream.

Everybody,
no matter who you are,

you just keep going.

Rich. Rich is rich,
more rich than anybody.

Middle class.
Rich is middle class.

Poor. Even poor.
Richest poor people.

Everybody gets a flat screen,
a cell phone.

Immigrants.
Everybody, come on over.

Come on over. Everybody.

Illegal, you come over, too.
Don't worry. We're not looking.

Some people
don't want to come over.

Foreign aid.
Send over money

for the people that don't want
to come over, too, you know.

And we went broke
trying to make everybody happy.

And where is it written
in our constitution

that we're supposed to go broke
trying to make everybody happy?

In the Preamble.

Actually, that's
what the Preamble says.

The Preamble says, "We,
the people of the United States,

in order to form
a more perfect union--"

Because perfect is fine
for other countries.

I respect that.

"More perfect" is better
for this country.

And more perfect is
very expensive, you know.

Plastic surgery.
More perfect, you know.

You know?

"Establish justice."

You have laws, lawyers,
lawsuits, you know.

"Insure domestic tranquility."

You know how much money
it costs

to keep 300 million people
tranquil every year?

You need jobs.

You need, you know,
gadgets for everybody,

food, antidepressants,
tranquilizers.

[audience laughing]

"And provide
for the common defense,

promote the general welfare."

Defense and welfare.

There's 50 percent of the budget
right there every year.

You know, that's the right
and left right there--

defense, welfare.

"Secure the blessings of liberty
to ourselves and our posterity,"

because every generation's
supposed to do better

than the next,
or somehow we've failed.

That was a sustainable idea
somebody came up with.

"Do ordain and establish

this constitution of
the United States of America."

You know, now if that's not
a drunk and delusional promise,

I don't know--
You know.

That's one of those things
where the next day

you're supposed to wake up
and go, "Listen,

I said a lot of shit
I didn't mean last night.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

I don't know what that is.

I don't know what that's
supposed to be, you know."

But not these founding fathers,

not these F.F.F.'s.

They said we can do it.
They're so brilliant.

Today the country's gridlocked,

and people still
don't critique them.

They still say
they're brilliant.

Even people that hate
the Founding Fathers

love the Constitution.

The Founding Fathers,
to this day, it's foolproof.

They're like, "The country's
gridlocked. It's not working."

They're like,
"Right. That's good.

That means it's working."

[audience laughing]

"It's not working."
"It's not supposed to work.

That's how it works.
It's not working."

Really? It's not supposed
to not work this well?

'Cause you did
a pretty good job, you know.

That's why this country
got formed,

'cause these guys knew
they were brilliant.

The geniuses knew
they were geniuses.

Everybody else,
all the other colonies,

couldn't break away
from England.

Never mind physically.
Psychologically.

'Cause they thought
England was superior.

These guys didn't think that.

They came in,
like they're quoting Cicero.

They're-- You know what I mean?

Plato. They come in,
you know, they're like,

"Yeah, I talked
to the governor of my colony.

He doesn't even know
who Montesquieu is.

I mean, this guy's an idiot.

He never heard of David Hume.

Hey, did you read
that John Locke piece

in the Poor Richard's Almanack?

Yeah, it was pretty good,
you know."

They were, like, brilliant guys.
Yeah, they were geniuses.

Then they had
23 badass war veterans.

So they had that natural cocky--

You know, they're coming in
all smoking, like,

"Yeah, I saw at Bunker Hill.
I heard about that, Bunker--

We had them at Bunker Hill.

They didn't want to fight,
you know,

with the Massachusetts
contingent.

Like, yeah, fuckin' kiddin'?"

South Carolina's like,
"Yeah, we took 'em down.

They didn't know--
They come in them red coats.

I mean, it was like
shootin' fish in a barrel,

I swear to God."

They got the war stories.
They're smoking.

And then you had,
like, James Madison.

He was the whole guy
that set it up,

'cause a lot of people
weren't there, by the way.

Adams, Jefferson.
No accident.

I'm sure Madison's sick
of hearing their names.

He's just as much
of a genius as them.

So they happen to be
out of the country

when he decides
to hold the convention.

Basically, he's just
sick of hearing--

It's like George Harrison,
you know.

At a certain point
I'm sure he's like,

you know, he's sick of hearing
about Paul and John.

"Here Comes the Sun."

The convention, for him,
was "Here Comes the Sun."

It was the Bangladesh concert.

-And, um--
-[audience laughing]

So you got Madison who's, like,
the supernerd of all time.

He puts the whole thing
together.

He knows he's got to get,
like, a popular guy.

Gets George Washington

'cause everybody loves
George Washington.

He's like the badass
of the country.

Everybody wants to meet him.
He brings him in.

The whole country just loved
George Washington for some re--

And then Ben Franklin.
It was in Philly.

He's like the godfather
of the whole convention.

You know, he gets up and gives
the big opening speech.

[imitating Vito Corleone]
"I'd like to welcome

friends from as far away
as New Hampshire and...

the good people of Georgia.

How did we ever
let it get this far?

I don't know but, you know."

Yeah, Madison gives
the opening speech,

just basically reading
everybody the riot act

about how the country's
about to fall apart.

Because you want
to be England again?

'Cause the only thing they had
in common was England's shit.

Everybody fought the war
separately.

There was like
eight different people for--

So the only thing in common was:

"I heard Cornwallis
just got sent to India."

"Hey, karma, man. See?
You act like an asshole..."

You know.

And then Madison's like,

"We're gonna be England again
if we keep it up.

The whole country's
falling apart."

We were like, you know,
the Soviet states breaking up.

Bosnia, when it broke,

everybody's attacking
each other.

Same problems we have now,
by the way,

just all, you know--

We held it off for this long.
And he's like,

"You wanna be England?"

Everyone's like, "No, no."
You know. Yeah.

"New York, you'll be
Holland again, you know.

You forgot what that was like.

You wore wooden shoes,
live in a windmill, you know.

You walk out your front door
every day,

you get sucker-punched
by your own home, you know.

You live in Holland.
And, um..."

So right away
there's problems, you know.

Nobody wanted to show up,
by the way, just like now.

We need another
constitutional convention,

but people are too busy.

We can have
like eight Comi-Cons every year,

but we don't have time,
you know--

We can't organize
our constitutional convention.

Massachusetts came
with their shit attitude

'cause they thought
they invented the country.

They're like,
"Yeah, Plymouth Rock, kid.

Don't thank me now, you know.

Where's George?
I wanna meet George Washington."

New York and Philly
kind of knew each other from--

"Yeah, Valley Forge.
I remember. Cold. This guy.

My balls are like cobblestones.

That's how cold it was, yeah."

And then the South.

And there was already a problem,
north and south.

South came.
There were two Souths.

There's the gentlemen's South,
Virginia.

George Mason, Madison.
They're like the erudites.

Then there was the dirty South--
the rest of the South,

the hardcore South, you know.

You didn't even talk to them.

If you wanted to say something
to them, you talked to Virginia,

and they would pass the message
along to the rest of the South.

It was like Jeff Foxworthy
and Larry the Cable Guy,

you know?

If you want to book
Larry the Cable Guy,

you talk to Jeff Foxworthy
and Larry just shows up.

He doesn't talk to you,
you know.

And the South came
with the attitude like,

"We're staying for one drink.

If I don't like
what I'm hearing,

I'm getting the hell out,
you know."

So Madison basically
reads their problem--

You know, just like today,
all the same problems.

Immigration.
Naturalization was a big issue.

Debt was a big issue.

States versus federal rights.

All these big issues, you know.
Goes down the list.

They're all like, "All right.
You know, listen to this guy."

And then he's like, "I'm done.
Did I forget something?"

One guy goes,
"Well, what about slavery?"

And the whole room got...

just like this room got.

Everyone's like,
"Oh, Jeez, he's gonna go there?"

[mutters]
You know.

North went in there.
They all said,

"We're getting rid of slavery.
It's inhumane."

Ben Franklin once again,
you know--

[imitating Vito Corleone]
"Slavery will destroy us

in the years to come.

I believed that then.
I believe it today.

It's not like shipbuilding
or rum or even molasses,

which is something most people
seem to want nowadays."

You know.

So they told the South, like,
"We're getting rid of slavery."

South's like,
"Okay, we're taking tobacco.

We'll see you later."

They're like, "Whoa. Come on.
You know it's inhumane."

"Yeah, and you have
indentured servants,

but don't worry about it."

They're like, "Wait, wait."

And they basically said,
"Okay, look.

No importing of slaves after
eighteen-oh-whatever-it-was."

Basically, the compromise.

Nobody ever said
a compromise was fair.

You know what I mean?
The first sellout,

they call it the original sin
of the Constitution,

and thank God it doesn't affect
black and white relations today.

-But--
-[audience laughing]

Back then, it was a big deal.
And, um...

Yeah, it still resonates

in everybody
in the United States,

black and white.

Black people still
don't trust the system.

White people still have
white guilt from that day.

Black people still
don't trust the system.

I go to the train station.
There's a black guy.

Is the train coming?
"Supposed to, you know.

We'll see what happens."

What do you think

the whole black community
and the police,

black community and the police,
all that tension goes--

'Cause the police are
the system, a nation of laws.

They're the ones that go in.
Black people--

First of all, who thought
that plan would work?

You got the black community
festering--

Raisin in the Sun--

looking into
their dream deferred,

fuming for hundreds of years
over the system,

but they can't really see--

It's not tangible, but they know
they don't like the system.

And then we're saying
to a 23-year-old white kid,

"Listen, we're gonna give you
a gun and a souped-up car.

Go in there and start telling
them what to do, all right?"

They're like,
"Are they gonna get pissed?"

"No, I don't think so.
Just kind of--

Tell them
you represent the system

and... just say:
'Can I see your hands?

Who lives around here?
Open that car.'

Shit like that.
See what happens."

You know.

What everybody always says,
we need a racial conversation.

But there's not
a racial conversation.

People just go, "Racist,"

and everybody's like,
"Oh, yeah, aah!"

You know, nobody
talks it in detail.

The problem to me is, people
just say well-intentioned--

There's a lot of undercurrent
on both sides

that don't get discussed.

You need to have a real
racial show every week on TV.

And you have people disgruntled,
not just people well-inten--

I'm talking about a white guy
that grew up in Baltimore,

a black guy
that grew up in Idaho.

They might have some things
to say about the other race

that are not very flattering.

And you have the host, could be
people from the other race

that are trusted
by the opposite race.

Oprah, obviously,
for the white people, you know.

-And...
-[audience laughing]

for the black people,
I don't know,

I would've said
Robin Thicke last year,

but I don't know
what happened to him.

-He fell apart.
-[audience laughing]

Macklemore, Iggy Aza-- I don't
know. You know, it's not--

They can pick their--
And, um...

And a lot of people say,

"Why even listen
to the Constitution?

It's obviously garbage.

These guys wrote it.
They were slave owners and--"

Yeah, but sometimes you just
have to look at the writing

and take that, and not look at
the person that did the writing.

It's like Phil Spector,
you know.

[audience laughing]

Yeah, he's a murderer,

but "Be My Baby" was
a pretty good song, you know.

And...

Anyway, the original sin
of the Constitution.

The second thing was
the class system.

Article 1, legislative.

They said we're gonna get rid
of the class system

'cause England, there was
only two classes.

It was, you know, royalty
and relative to royalty.

There was no middle class.

That was it.
We invented the middle class.

James Madison basically invented
the middle class,

but they admitted--
The Founding Fathers,

they said, "Look, rich--
We're gonna make the senate.

It's gonna be
for the rich people.

And to this day,
that's how it falls out.

Rich people get to say,
"This is unacceptable.

I'm gonna call my senator."

The middle class, people
are like, "This is bullshit.

I'm gonna e-mail
my congressman's assistant."

-And--
-[audience laughing]

And poor people, they're--
"This is fucked up.

I'm gonna yell at the TV
and see what happens there."

And...

They said, "We're gonna
set it up for the people."

Basically, all based on the bar,
like I said,

'cause they're in the bar
and they're kind of looking--

And the waiters at the bar--

They said,
"We'll be the waiters.

We'll be like the waiters.

The people will be like
the customers.

We come up to them.
What do you want?

Whatever you want,
the customer's always right."

The people,
House of Representatives.

We represent you.
You are just us.

We're gonna get you
whatever you want.

You still have to pay.
So you're paying taxes,

but it's you that's really--

It's like going
to a Springsteen concert.

You're going to see Springsteen.
The whole night it's like,

"The working man,
the working man!"

But, meanwhile, he's not
giving away those seats.

-You still have to pay...
-[audience laughing]

to see Bruce Springsteen,
you know.

And the working man thing
is kind of phony

because, first of all,

Bruce, if you really give a shit
about the working man,

you're not gonna do
a four-and-a-half-hour concert

on a Tuesday night, you know.

The working man's
gotta get up the next day...

and Bruce is sleeping in.

Some exhausted iron worker
burns his fingers off because...

[audience laughing]

Bruce wanted to do
a 37-minute "Rosalita" at 11:05.

You know, I mean--

Yeah.

Then Article 2 was
the president.

They said this was gonna be
based on reflection and choice

rather than accident and force.

That's what Madison said.
You got to pick your leader.

The king, it didn't matter.

You got to pick--
We pick our president

based on
do you like his personality.

Invented the public personality.

The king, it didn't ma--
Nobody was like,

"I don't like
this king's personality."

People are like, "So what?
He's the second son

of the house of Essex
of the Duke of York,

you goddamn idiot."

Good point. I didn't
think it through, I guess.

"Yeah, I guess not."

Once again, they were
in a convention drinking.

So it's based on the guy
you kind of put in charge.

They're not in charge,
but they're the person

that kind of tells you
what the mood of the bar is.

You always have the one friend
that you kind of have

that just lets you know
what's going on the whole night.

He's sort of
a leader personality,

but they're not in charge
of you, but they tell you--

They get to appoint.

Okay, you watch our money.
The Department of Treasury.

You watch the door.
They get to tell the bouncers,

"Make sure
nobody screws around."

They have the power--
You know, they'll tell you like,

"Look, here's
what's happening now.

In a few minutes,
we gotta be careful.

Georgia's about to get
in a fight.

Delaware's throwing up.

South Carolina's breaking up
with their boyfriend,

North Carolina.

They're crying in the corner.

We might go across the street.

We're just not sure
what's going on yet, you know."

And they have veto power.
Veto.

One legislator's like,
"We want to do shots."

"No more shots, guys.
We gotta get up tomorrow."

[audience laughing]

Legislator's like,
"It's my money."

"I know, but still we gotta--"

You always have the powers,
separation of powers, you know.

And, once again,
every other country,

you didn't get to choose.

It was accident and force.
Whoever the bar leader was.

Could be that dickhead,

him and his friends
just running the whole bar.

He's kind of related
to the owner.

He sets a toxic vibe.

He makes you throw in fees.

"Come on.
We're getting coke."

Like, "I don't do coke."
"Everybody throws in, though.

This guys doesn't do coke.
Bullshit. Come on."

He ends up, "Oh, sorry.

I accidentally dropped it
in the toilet."

Yeah, sure.
He did all the coke himself.

You know, one of these guys.

That's how the other countries
were, you know.

And judicial was like the bart--

based on the bartender
at the convention probably,

'cause they're going, "Settle
an argument for us, bartender,"

'cause that's who used to
have to settle arguments.

Before Google, you had to use
the bartender, right?

And that's what our judicial is,

basically the bartender
of the United States.

They're there to tell you
the original owner's intent.

"No gay marriage.
Equal protection, nope.

No school prayer, no.

You're allowed
to bring whatever."

And, uh--
Yeah, and they were the guy

that keeps the other two
in control.

It's a power balance so when,
you know, executive's like,

"Hey, just give me a little more
executive power over there,"

it's like, "Oh, come on.
You've had enough.

No more, you know.
No overreach."

And the legislative's like,

"I just want to pour something
for my base."

"Oh, no. Come on.
You're cut off.

That's enough right now,
you know."

Then Article 4
is just a franchise.

We have this idea.
We're gonna go to each state,

make each state like us.

Each state had the same thing.

You give 'em a psycho,
alpha-male, crazy guy,

but he knew how to develop jobs.

He sends, you know,
resources, taxes back.

You send him immigrants
and a fort

because the local coffee shop,

if you're Starbucks,
is gonna be a problem, you know.

The local tribe, the fort was

just basically a guy
with a baseball bat warming up.

He's not hitting them yet,
but you know.

Like, "What's his prob--
What's he gonna do?" You know.

And, uh-- I realize
I have a bad swing.

It's been like that
my whole life.

And, uh, yeah.

And so, basically,
that was the franchise guy.

He sends back taxes.
And if things work out,

we're gonna give you
a star on the flag.

It was a big deal in those days,
get a star.

Eighteen--
You know what I mean?

It means you can fuck
with anybody,

and they can't fuck with you,
if I can quote Goodfellas

for the first
but not the last time.

And--

You know, Article 5
is just basically saying

whatever-- you know,
whatever we decide,

we still have to leave room

in case later
they want to make amendments,

they want to ratify,
'cause, you know, bars change.

They might want to put in a
karaoke machine in here someday.

We don't know. Styles change.
A pool table.

We can't tell them
what to do completely.

Article 6, if you trade
with other countries,

everybody had to be
on the same page.

It's like, if it was a bar,
you'd say,

"Look, we tell them
no T-shirts, no sneakers.

You gotta say
the same thing on Wednesday

that we say on Tuesday."

And Article 7, just basically,
"Look, it's gonna be--

Sign it, cut the ribbon,
open for business, right?"

So they open for business,
freedom of speech.

That was the Bi--
The Bill of Rights was the big--

That was the big thing,
freedom of speech,

'cause nobody had freedom
of speech in the world.

No, you can boo the president.
Boo!

Nobody says anything.

You could never boo the ki--
Nobody booed the king.

The king's going by.
"Boo."

Six archers would be like,
"I got him, I got him.

Don't worry.
I got this son of a bitch.

This guy's suicidal."
You know?

Yeah, you could say whatever,
'cause the Founding Fathers--

The brilliant ones
were brilliant.

Every other country
that don't let the people speak,

who knows what'll happen?

That's how revolutions happen.
That's how uprisings happen.

These Founding Fathers
were like,

"Let them speak. Go ahead.
You want to say something?

Go ahead, man.
Whatever you want."

Guy's like, "Okay, we think
it's bullshit what's going on."

"Okay, duly noted.
Thank you very much.

[audience laughing]

See, wasn't it interesting
what he just said?

See, I told you
they got nothing.

Don't worry about it,
you know."

Just 'cause you speak
doesn't mean you can change any.

And you can speak.

I think we've proven nothing

if not that anybody
can say whatever they want.

You can even yell "fire"
in a crowded movie theater,

and some lawyer'll take
the case.

-But that doesn't mean...
-[audience laughing]

we speak freely.

You could get fired
from your job.

You can get, you know,
castigated, censored,

boycotted,
shunned by your community.

People go, "But the government
doesn't do it."

No, but the tyranny
of the mob does it,

you know, depending on
who you are and what you say

and what's considered offensive
in different times.

Different time periods,
different things are offensive.

If I was up here 60 years ago,
every ethnic joke,

people'd be,
"Ha ha ha! Hilar--"

But if I curse once, every guy'd
be waiting for me outside,

'cause the wife was there,

and try to drop you
with a straight right hand,

which is all anyone threw
in those days,

the straight right,

'cause you cursed in front
of the little woman.

But now, cursing,
everybody cur--

little kids curse.

Little kids. You go to
Chuck E. Cheese, kid's like,

"I got this fuckin'
Chuck E. Cheese."

You know.

He's telling the other kids,
"But it's my birthday.

It's just a pizza.
Am I right or wrong?"

"Yeah, you said it.
Fuckin' yeah."

But if you even mention
ethnicity,

people feel a little bit--
your stomach feels tense.

If you even mention
someone's ethnicity,

everyone's like, "Wow, wow."

If I told you a true story--

This Mexican guy came up to me--

"Ho! Whoa!

Why does this guy have to be
Mexican in your true story?

I don't understand."

-You know.
-[audience laughing]

You have to speak in those
idealized, pasteurized,

homogenized, color-blind
at all--

You know. If you know this,
you're like,

"This guy comes up to me.
Could have been Mexican.

I don't know.
I don't care.

I shouldn't have--
Central Amer-- Hispan-- Latin--

It was a man, all right?

Wait a minute.

I was sexist.
I don't know if it was a man.

Could've been... a woman.

It could've been LGBT.
I don't know--

I mean, it was a life-form
came up to me.

You know what? Hold on.

I'd like to start this story
by apologizing for--

Obviously, I'm coming
from a place

of Western, entitled,
unconscious,

paternalistic fear of the other

and, um,

you know, non-hetero, normative,
gender specific, uh...

I'd like to start by saying
that this apology has been

a learning experience for me
and, uh,

you know, a teachable moment.

And I think I'm gonna do
some soul-searching,

and, hopefully...
down the line

I can start a non-profit
for other people...

that are telling stories,
you know.

-And--"
-[audience applauding, cheering]

Sure, you applaud,
but half the country,

when you tell that apology,
groveling,

they're like, "Now you're
starting to understand.

You're really starting
to understand how to feel

and think and talk.

That's right.
That's very good."

You know, that's how--
You know, words.

We're offended by words
in this country,

which means we're success--
we're a total success.

When you're offended
by language,

that means you're success--

A lot of other countries,

it still comes down
to people coming in.

"I can't take the intolerance
anymore," they tell us.

"What? What happened?"

"The other religion came
and burned down my village."

"I know what you mean.

I heard some inflammatory
rhetoric recently...

-[audience laughing]
-and..."

They're like,

"But what does it mean,
'inflammatory rhetoric'?"

"That means like flames.

Like what they literally did
to your village,

that's what they figuratively
did to my sense of, uh--

It was oppressive speech,

if you know what I'm trying
to say by that.

It was kind of supremacist,
oppressive by its very nature.

It's hard to explain."

Words hurt.
Words are loaded.

Words are triggers
in our society, you know.

The second amendment
and the first amendment

overlapping at all times.

And, of course, you know,
you can blame the press.

First of all, the press
is not even the press anymore.

The press is now all over.

Anybody has any kind
of a computer or a phone,

you're actually the press.

How do you think the journalists
feel at this point?

You can win six Pulitzers,
cover eight wars,

but some blogger gets more hits
on you that week,

and, tag, they're it
and you're out. That's it.

And the press was locked out
of the convention, by the way.

They were locked out.
The Founding Fathers--

Freedom of the press,

starting in a couple of months
when we're done.

They shut the windows

and locked them out
of the whole thing, you know.

And now, the press--

Obviously there's two sides,
and that's it.

You have to see the country
one way or the other.

There's no middle ground.
There's nobody in the middle.

You have to see this country

as either it's in danger
of becoming

a right-wing Islamophobic,
homophobic, xenophobic,

nothing-to-fear-
but-phobia-itself taking over

or it's a left-wing socialist
terrorist anarchist

about to take over.

There's nobody in the middle.

I mean there's people
in the middle like myself,

but nobody-- there's no party
if you're like me.

Pro-gun, pro-choice,

pro-death penalty,
pro-gay marriage,

all those things,
what do they add up to?

Antiovercrowding.
Thank you. But--

[audience laughing]

Nowadays--

Nowadays,

it's only the most fervent
true believers

and the fastest typists
that run this country, you know.

And the news is basically just
people-- the instigator friend.

They just try to get you to see

what the other side said
about a story.

That's all the news.

You know,
your instigator friend is like,

"You know what they said
about you?

I shouldn't have brought it up.
You're gonna get mad."

You're like, "Now you
brought it up, now I gotta--"

"I don't want to tell you."
"No, tell me, you know."

That's what the news is.
They're like cable, old cable.

It's like,
"You know what they said

about that story,
the other side?

Wait'll you hear this.
You're gonna get pissed."

You're like, "What?"

"I'll tell you
after the commercial.

Just hang out for a second."

And that's all our news is,

what the other side said
about a story.

It's never the story.

That's irrelevant
whatever the story was.

It's what the other side said.
It's news once-removed.

There's no real news.

There's real news
on the scroll underneath.

"Peruvian earthquake,
thousands dead.

Nigerian massacre,
hundreds fear--

Bangladeshi factory fire."

And our journalists are going,

"Do you think Chris Christie
is too fat to run for president?

Be honest.

Is it fat shaming, in fact?
Do you think--"

You're sitting there watching
a former secretary of state

argue with a lap band surgeon,
and you forgot why.

You're like,
"Why am I watching this again?"

But we all-- And people just
want to convince other people.

That's the whole thing.
Our country keeps trying--

That's why we're gonna break up,
'cause people are like,

"You've got to change.
You've got to see--"

No, the whole country's
based on the fact

that you don't have to see--

Everybody's gonna have
their opinion,

but everybody's still trying
to force everybody

to have another opinion.

And it's like religious fervor,
the Sunnis and Shiites.

That's how I feel about
the extreme political parties

in our country.

Left and right,
Sunnis and Shiites.

Just trying to get you--
"Just go to this Web site.

Do you understand?
Just look at this Web site."

Politics is the new religion.

If it's not the new religion,

why are all the political shows
on Sunday morning?

-That's my question. Now--
-[audience laughing]

Because guess what.
Sunday was for church.

People came to this country
to go to church.

They came over here
'cause they're like,

"I heard you go to church there.
Nobody busts your balls."

You know. Other countries,
they'd let you in, but they're--

"What's that around your neck?

Before we let you in,
is that a cross

or is that a fish?"

You're like, "It's a saw."

"All right.
Come here on this line."

-You know.
-[audience laughing]

Over here, you go to church.

And people loved church
back in those days.

'Cause life was so shit,

church was actually excitement.

Church was the only
entertainment there was.

It was like that was the thing,
with comedy, music.

It was everything, therapy,
'cause the world stunk.

Before electricity,

you just work all day
pulling tree roots,

raking, you know, hoeing.

-And then...
-[audience laughing]

about once a week,

you know, that night,
you'd be sitting in your bed,

just no electricity,
just sitting on the bed,

waiting in the dark
for the next day to start.

But then, on Sunday
you're going to this place

that's got music,
got nice stained glass,

smells like incense.

Guy's up there with--
He could read.

He's, you know--

[audience laughing]

He's throwing snakes
around the room.

Holy shit.

Your neighbors are rolling
around, speaking in tongues.

You're like, "Oh, my God.
I can't believe it."

And it was therapy
for people 'cause--

That was therapy, you know,
'cause the guy'd make you--

Frontier life was hard.

He was like,
"Hard week, right?" "Yeah."

"I heard you had a natural
disaster over at your place."

"Yeah."
"Heard you lost two relatives."

"Yeah." "You guys had
an animal attack, right?"

"Yeah."
"Yeah, well, how about this guy?

He had to live in a whale
for three days, all right?

That was a little worse,
don't you think?"

"All right.
That's true, yeah.

Rather do that than live
in a whale,

I guess, for three days.

Or, you know, a pack of lions.

I'd have to stay with them
for six months like Daniel."

And, um...

Yeah, it's still big
down south, the Midwest,

'cause, you know, farm--

They still have
the megachurches.

They sell out all the time.

Giant megachurches,

black and white preachers,
all of it--

And the black and white
preachers

have their own different styles.

Once again, I apologize in
advance for even thinking this,

-but...
-[audience laughing]

Creflo Dollar, T.D. Jakes.

They paraphrase the Bible,
the black preachers.

They're like, "Lazarus goes,
'Are you crazy?'"

And people go, "Where does it
say that, 'Are you crazy?'

in this--"

The white preachers are like,
you know,

they're like football coaches,

you know, SEC football coaches.

Like, "You all think Satan's
out of this thing.

Satan ain't out of this thing,
I'll tell you right now.

Satan's having
a rebuilding season.

That's what's going on
with Satan, yeah."

[audience laughing]

And it's still that--
Look, freedom of worship,

we still respect it.

Even if you don't believe
in religion, you respect it

to the point
where they built a mosque

two blocks from Ground Zero.

People didn't like it,

but nobody said
it wasn't constitutional.

And I bring it up 'cause
it's also the bottom floor

of the building
that I live in right now.

I swear to God.
I've been there the entire time.

And half my building is like,
"What if there's an explosion?

What if there's a sleeper cell?"

What are the odds?

Two-to-one? I don't know.

Um, no.

I'm kidding, but...

but people say, you know,
"We know you're joking,

but you shouldn't joke like that

because, you know,
the real Islamophobes--

We get the joke
'cause we're smart,

but what about the psycho
in the militia--

in the middle of the country
that doesn't get it?"

So now I have to write my act

trying to please some guy
with a Nazi flag

in his compound
in the middle of Idaho?

Hey, if he doesn't get the joke,
it's not good.

I have to make sure
he understands every joke I say.

It's the opposite of what I was
planning when I wrote comedy.

Sorry.

That's who you have to
appeal to in your act.

But the First Amendment,
everybody agrees with.

Nobody disagrees.

We all kind of agree,
the whole country.

Second Amendment, that's where
we're gonna break up.

That's the divorce papers,
irreconcilable differences,

when we file for divorce
as a country.

And the Founding Fathers
all owned guns.

Obviously a different time.

Eighty-six percent
of the country was bears

until 1796.

And--

You know.

There were guns and animals.
You know what I mean?

And, uh...

And, look, I mean, hunting.

You can't say it's more humane
the way we kill cattle.

If you eat meat, you can't say
hunters are worse

than tricking cattle into
a chute the way we, you know--

We just lead 'em down a chute
like, "Hey, come here."

You know.

It's like De Niro
getting Lorraine Bracco

into the dress shop in--

"Yeah. Ah.

Ah."

You could see the cattle have
that same look in their eyes.

"I'll come back later, Jimmy.
I gotta get my money."

But they can't move.
They're penned in.

You know.

But hunters
won't compromise either.

Like, they say, "Well,
deer hunting, we love it."

You know, nobody eats
goddamn deer.

Nobody even wears deer.
It's not the '70s,

Kris Kristofferson, you know.

But they go,
"But deer hunting's a sport."

First of all, come on.

Nothing's a sport

if one team doesn't even know
they're playing, right?

All right. It's like--

somebody throwing a football
at the back of your neck.

"Let's have a catch."
Oh, all right.

We should do it
like the Old West.

The Old West had it down
'cause they would hire--

Nobody accidentally got shot,
'cause they used experts.

You'd bring the expert in.

The bad guys come into town,
starting trouble.

You'd get an expert gunslinger,
call 'em in, bring 'em in.

"What's the problem?"

"These guys came into our town.
They're starting shit.

They're talking dirty
to the ladies.

They went in the bar.

They're throwing drinks
at people."

You know, whatever.

He's like, "You want me
to run 'em out of town?"

"No, we want you
to murder them.

We want you to murder them

on our main street
at 12:00 in the afternoon...

while we watch."

You know what I mean?

Maybe that's the ex--

Every community gets
a gunslinger,

somebody who's really good.

You know, there's
home invasions going on.

You hire the guy,
put him in the La-Z-Boy,

80 bucks a night,
whatever it is.

140 bucks.

You put a picture of the family
on the desk right there,

tell him, "Look, if anyone
comes through that door

that's not in that picture,
blow their brains out for us."

You know.

But, once again, we can't comp--
there's no compromise.

And the NRA on the other side,
this guy's nu--

First of all, the guy that runs
the NRA, Wayne LaPierre--

If you run an organization where
all you do is laws and guns--

that's your whole job,
law and guns--

I want everything you say to be

the kind of thing that
nobody else could've thought of,

'cause your job all day is
guns, laws, constitution.

So everything that comes
out of your mouth,

when you're defending yourself,

should be something
where you go,

"You know what?
That was pretty nuanced.

That's interesting.

You gotta give that credence."

This guy comes out
after Sandy Hook.

Five days. He goes,
"We want to make a statement.

I want to wait
a couple of days."

He came out, and he goes,
"We figured out

how to stop these tragedies
from occurring."

I was like,
"All right, watch this."

You know, 'cause I believe in--

He's like,
"We give the teachers guns."

[audience laughing]

Wow, you could've gave me
30 guesses, sir,

as to where you were gonna go.

I would not have said he's gonna
double down right now, this guy.

And then he goes,
"All right, well,

we'll give 'em sentries
in front of the schools."

Yeah, that's good feng shui,

put sentries in front of
the school like guard towers.

And, um, first of all,
teachers, guns?

That's what you're going--
Give teachers guns.

It'll teach him a lesson,
I promise you.

Give teachers guns,
three months--

Guns change the dynamic
of every situation.

You give teachers guns,
in three months these teachers

are gonna be walking around
these classrooms--

[audience laughing]

You know.

"Where's your homework, money?"

You know.

The kid's like,
"I didn't do it."

"This motherfucker over here.

Oh.

[audience applauding]

Somebody wants to die
up in here today."

Yeah, Second Amendment's
gonna break us up.

That's gonna break up
the country, Second Amendment.

Three through ten,
we all agree with

'cause those are our rights.

Those are the founding fathers
just telling street stories

from when the British ran the--

'Cause they were kind of
street guy, you know.

Politician, soldier, statesman

but street, you know.

When the British ran
the country, that was--

So they're like, "Yo, put in
'no soldiers quartered'

'cause my wife
and that English lieutenant

during the French
and Indian War,

there was, like,
a weird vibe, you know."

You know. They're like,
"'Probable cause.'

Put in 'probable cause' in case
they throw me against the wall."

"Why? 'Cause I got
a tri-corner hat?

I got a Thomas Paine pamphlet
in my back pocket, I'm guilty?"

"'Cause you were yelling,
'The British are coming.'"

"That was Paul Revere.
I look like Paul Revere to you?"

You know.

And they're like, "Speedy trial.

They had me in the stockades
for like two weeks.

You know, every time
I fall asleep,

some kids are kicking my head
and knocking my wig off.

I wake up, they drew
two cocks next to my hands.

Looks like
I'm whacking people off."

You know.

-And--
-[audience laughing]

They probably did that
back in the day.

Who knows? But...

Back in the day.

And the rest of it
was just all the commerce.

The commerce was
what made our country.

The business.
"This is gonna be a business.

We're setting up a bu--"

And the hook was the patent--

Patents, private property.
Nobody ever did that.

Before that,
if you had an invention,

you know, you'd bring it
to your local lord.

"Oh, let me see that.
That's a good idea.

I'll bring it."
You're like, "What the hell?"

"Get outta here."
You know.

He brings it to the duke.
Duke is like,

"That's a great idea,
you fuckin' asshole."

Duke brings it to the king.
King's like,

"Hey, I invented
this wheat thresher."

Everybody's like,
"Oh, the king's the greatest.

How'd he come up with--"

Patents and private property.

You didn't have to be royalty.

In fact, you couldn't be royalty
to get rich.

That was the hook.

Every other country, you had to
be related to the king.

Anybody you saw with money--

You're like,
"Where'd you get rich?"

"I'm the king's second cousin,
okay? Yes.

But I also work."

"Yeah, sure you do."
You know.

Over here, you have to prove
you're not royalty.

You can't be genteel and rich.
We hate that.

Every criminal on TV
is like this kind of--

You know, British accent,
rich, you know.

You have to prove
you're just the opposite.

That's why all our millionaires
act like that-- Shark Tank.

Donald Trump's like,
"Look, I don't give a shit.

You wanna make a buck.
Let's make a fuckin'--"

'Cause he's like subconsciously
hitting you with like,

"I'm not royalty.

You can see
the way I'm behaving.

Royalty doesn't act like this.
I'm fuckin'--"

That was it.
You just had to have an idea.

As long as you had an idea--
Nature versus commerce.

That was the whole country.

Nature was there.
Commerce came in.

And most people
didn't think that way.

You had to have that mind-set.
You didn't have to be smart.

Just that business mentality.

Everybody else would pass,

you know, a bunch of apples
in the fie-- Right?

"Oh, apples. Great."

Some guy'd put up a fence.
"What's going on?"

"Now it's called an orchard.
They're no longer apples.

Now you pay.
It's Nathaniel's Orchard.

Do you understand? Pay."

Just put your name on it,
it was yours.

Johnson City, Double R Ranch.

Animals, they're
fucking pressing their asses

with their name, you know.

Before, people would see
vegetables and go,

"Oh, God's bounteous gift.

He gave us
all these vegetables."

Some guy puts a fence up.

Next day, he's like,
"God left the business, guys.

Now it's Clarence Birdseye's
bounteous gift.

Do you understand that?"

They're like,
"But how do I eat?"

He goes,
"You climb over the fence.

You become an employee.
Pick the vegetables.

Hand 'em to me.
I'll hand you some money.

Go to the other side
of the fence.

-You become a customer.
-[audience laughing]

You hand me back
some of the money,

and I hand you back
some of the vegetables."

He just made himself
the middle man

between nature and people,
you know.

And it started to work.

Not everybody got rich,
but one in five people,

they said, had been rich
in this country,

I mean, of this generation--

Enough people got rich.

It was like a good Vegas vibe
where people--

And you knew you didn't
have to be royalty,

you didn't have to be smart.

People would go back
to the old country,

buy the biggest house
in the village in Romania.

"Where was he?"
America.

"And he got rich?"
Yeah.

"Wasn't he the dumb prick
that could barely function

in our shitty village,
by the way?"

[audience laughing]

They're like, "Yeah, he was."

"Well, my kid's
kind of an asshole.

I'm gonna send him over there.
Maybe he can do something."

It gave you hope
for the whole family.

You know what I mean?
It all went back to Article 4.

They decided in Article 4,
Northwest Ordinance.

That was what they decided.

We're just gonna mow
three states.

You know, the local tribes
are gonna--

They lied to
the early immigrants

to get them the states
nobody wanted to go to,

the Swedes and Germans.

"We want to go someplace warm."

Yeah, Minnesota. Go over there.
It's very nice.

By October, they're like,
"I think they lied to us.

It's starting to get chilly
over here, you know."

But it starts to do--
You didn't have to live--

Every other place,
your class was your class.

Like, your name imprisoned you.

Some guy in another country--
"I'd like to be a lawyer."

"What's your name?"
"Williamson."

"William's son, right?
You're William's son?

The cobbler?"
"Yeah."

"Here's my shoe, you stupid ass.
Get over there.

Fix my shoe.
The ball's on him.

What do you want?"
"I want to be a doctor."

"What's your name?"
"John's son."

"Yeah, blacksmith John.

Here's my fuckin' horse's shoe,
you idiot." You know.

Over here, your name doesn't--

That's why the Kardashians is
the perfect American stor--

They're the story of America,

going west and fulfilling
their drea--

'Cause, first of all, you have
to understand something.

Kardashians, their name,
did not hold them back.

Name got out there in the '90s.

The father, Robert Kardashian,
O.J.'s lawyer.

That's the first time anyone
heard the name Kardashian.

Then, he was the cover-up guy
in the O.J. case.

He hid the murder weapon
for O.J. People forget.

He's the guy that went
to the house, left,

and suddenly it worked.

So he dies.
A few years later,

daughter grows up
and makes a sex tape.

So most-- any other culture
in the history of the world

would be like-- the mother
would call the family together.

"We've had a couple
of dishonorable incidences.

[audience laughing]

Our name is being sullied.

We need to restore
our crest, our name.

What we do is we lay low
for a couple of generations...

and, you know,
hopefully someday--"

Kris Jenner's American.
She understands.

She's like--
calls the family together.

"Guys, we had a murder.

We had a cover-up.
We had a sex tape.

This is our shot.
Do you understand?

This is our chance.

Everybody take a Sharpie.

Start putting your name
on anything you see."

Kim's supposed to be so ditzy,
she caught on right away.

"Mom, what about shoes?"
"Yes, Kim, exactly."

"What about my jeans?"
"Yes, Kim."

The other kids start catching--
"My bag."

"Khloé, perfect."

"What about my earrings?"
"Kourtney, yes, exactly."

Even the poor son caught on
after a couple of years.

He came out one day.
"Socks."

They're like,
"That's very good, Rob.

How'd you figure that out?"
"I was looking at my shoes--"

"All right.
We don't need to know." And--

[audience laughing]

But that's--
gives you hope, you know.

That's how the country
got formed,

by that kind of thinking--
put your name on it.

And, nature versus commerce,
nature suffers.

If you don't think
that's the story of America,

look what subconsciously
her and Kanye

named their kid, North West.

They named their kid
after the ordinance,

I'm telling you right now.

Well, so the whole country

just keeps rolling over,

you know, just rolling
over the state.

People are coming over.
Everybody's talking.

"America's the greatest.
I heard this place--"

We're, like, the hot place.

Everybody was talking about us
even if they didn't come over.

"Maybe my grandkids
could get over there.

It sounds like fun.
They're doing something."

You know,
enough people got money.

A lot of people didn't,
but enough people did

where people were like, "This
could really be something."

By the mid-twentieth century
we start feeling bad

for all our sins of the past.

We're like, "We're so great
to the immigrants.

Best place ever for immigran--

What about all the people
that started with us?"

Trying to make up.
Civil Rights Act.

Native American tribes,
no taxes.

Give 'em a casino.

Lyndon Johnson said in 1965--

They go, "What are you
gonna do now?"

He goes, "We're gonna end
poverty in America."

No more poverty.
And nobody laughed.

Everybody's like, "All right.
We did everything else we said.

I'm sure we can do it."

The whole world believed
we could do it.

And suddenly, in school, they
started trying to make up for--

The teacher before that
would be like,

"America, Thanksgiving,
we let the Indians eat with us.

We're the greatest."

A year later, she's like,

"Thanksgiving,
a day of genocide.

And, uh, we're gonna
take down the turkeys

and put decals of bloody tears
on the school windows."

We may have thrown the baby out
with the bath water,

but it started going so well,

we almost pulled it off.

We almost pulled off
a perfect society,

1966 for like two days.

-And a lot of people go,
-[audience laughing]

"What about--" People go, "What
about a place like Sweden?"

Sweden, you can't compare.

That was 10,000 blond people

that grew up across the street
from each other.

-This was--
-[audience laughing]

You know, this was 300 million

"your tired, your poor,"

shitheads, bipolar fuckin'--

You know.

Anybody. "Come on in.

Eww, I'd worry about this guy
but, you know."

As long as you were willing

to drop dead of a heart attack
from work at 38,

as long as you had a strong
back, we didn't give a da--

You know what I mean?
'Cause that's all we cared--

'Cause if you do good,
your kids will live indoors.

We promise you that.
Your grandkids--

Your grandkids
might own a house.

Your great-grandkids
might own a business.

Your great-great-grandkids
might go to a college.

That's all people would get.
You won't starve to death.

That was our big thing,

'cause everywhere else,
you could starve to death.

There was pretty good odds,
you know.

Over here, there's--
"They feed you good over there?"

"They feed you great. The whole
country's made of food.

Get over here."

It's even set up
like a three-course meal.

East Coast, you got the clams,
the crab for appetizer.

The Midwest, you got
the steak and the potatoes.

The West Coast, they got the
fruit and the nuts for dessert,

maybe a little wine, you know,

a little salad
to cleanse your palate.

You know, it was a--

And we almost pulled off
four pages

written on a bar napkin

in 1787 by them.

Almost. What happened?

You know. A lot of people--

People will tell you
different thing--

too much corporate write-offs,

too many benefits,
too many entitlements,

too many tax breaks.

Everyone's got their story.

It's probably a combination
in some way, you know.

Maybe we just tried too hard.
Maybe we just--

Maybe we just had our day.
We were the hot bar.

You know, you have your day.

We had a couple
of hundred years.

The hot bar,
lines around the block.

You go to 26 Federal Plaza.

Till 15 years ago,
lines around the block

trying to get into the hot bar,
the United States.

And we had our system
in the bar--

good food, good service,

cash only, you know, dress code.

Everybody wears a suit,
you know.

We all got along.
Like I said, no Internet.

So everybody--
It was that time of night

when it's a little loud
and you're a little tipsy,

the music's too loud.

So you don't really know what
the other people are saying.

You're like, "Hey, you know..."

Different states think
they're talking to each other.

"You like art?"

"Yeah, I love cars.
You love cars, too?" "Yeah."

And then one day,

somebody comes in
with a credit card.

"Hey, what's that?"
"It's credit."

We were doing so well,
we've actually got a system

where a guy with a lot of cash
lends money so everybody--

And it works even better,

but now you've changed
the vibe of the bar,

'cause now it's
a bit of a gambling bar.

There's a guy lending money.
It's a bit of a shylock system.

And... suddenly
you got a gambling bar.

In a gambling bar, nobody cares
about the food or the service.

You care about money.
So if you're waiting tables--

"Why am I waiting tables?
Nobody cares about this.

I want to be over there
making money."

So you're making money,
but you're feeling anxious.

Another guy comes in
and he starts, you know, saying,

"I got these anxiety
medications, tranquilizers,"

and suddenly you have
a drug in a gambling bar.

And a drug in a gambling bar,
the vibe changes a lot.

Everybody's vibe kind of changes
the entire bar,

but you're still doing better
than anybody else.

And then, one day,
somebody comes in with a 20,

goes to a register.

We open the register.
There's no cash.

And just then, the music
goes off, the lights go on.

We see each other
for the first time.

The Internet's invented.

The check gets thrown down,

and we start arguing
over the check.

"Who the hell's gonna pay
this goddamn check?

You rich guys. You rich--

We gotta charge you guys more
for the drinks."

You know what I mean?

He's like, "Bullshit.
It's your middle-class guys.

You're hogging up the--"

"It's the poor guy. Why am I
buying his goddamn drink?

And what about the old man
at the bar?

Why are you still paying
for his drinks?"

He's like, "Oh, fuck you.

I was the first one in
this goddamn bar." You know.

And we're just standing there,
pointing at each other.

You know, basically,
a Mexican standoff.

Excuse the expression,
you know.

-And--
-[audience laughing]

And the worst part is,

the whole world
is horrified by this,

'cause even if they hate us,
love us, jealous,

they need us to be that thing.

So they're as scared as we are,
believe me.

It's like
we're the perfect couple

that you just idealize.

And then you go
on a double date with them,

and they're drunk
and fighting the whole night.

They're out in the parking lot.
She's missing a heel.

He's pissing his pants.

Yeah, the rest of the world's
driving home like,

"America, she gets on a--
What the hell was that about?"

-You know.
-[audience laughing]

We need therapy, you know.

We need an outside observer
to tell us--

I suggest Canada.

-Canada is the perfect example
-[man] No.

'cause they're kind of mild--

No, but they have
that quiet kind of person--

And they're us,
but they're not us,

'cause they're
the same size as we are,

they got here
the same time we did.

But you look at them
and look at us.

It's like two brothers that went
different paths in life.

They're like Emilio Estevez,
and we're like Charlie Sheen.

[audience laughing]

Because--

Because Emilio Estevez
still looks good.

I'm sure he's got money
in the bank, and he looks good,

but nobody gives a shit.

[audience laughing]

And then Charlie Sheen's on
a collision course to something,

but everybody's still like,

"Hey, what's Charlie
gonna do now?"

Canada could sit us down and go,

"Guys, you gotta get it
together,"

'cause we're bickering
outside the bar

like Who's Afraid
of Virginia Woolf?You know.

Like, "Did you ever even want
to be a republic, Martha?"

"Oh, you only said that
about states' rights

to get me into your country,
you son of a bitch."

"You've resented me
since the Civil War."

"Oh, bullshit.
You'd just give away every--"

What we need is
a staff meeting, you know.

We need, basically, a bar.

We close the bar,
have a staff meeting,

sit down, get it all out.

There's different philosophies.

One is, let rich guys--

Cater to the upscale crowd,

and maybe, you know,
they'll spend more

and tips will trickle down.

The other thing is,
get a bigger middle-class crowd.

Large class,
but you have more mass.

You know what I mean?

And basically, at this point,
like I said,

the fight is
over the bill 'cause--

We woke up--
When those lights went on,

we realized we didn't know
each other, the Internet.

And the red states are going,
"What's this bullshit?

I didn't agree.
Who put this surcharge

for health care
on this fucking thing?"

You know.

And the blue states are going,

"Church and state is supposed
to be on separate checks.

You always try to pull
this shit, Kansas."

So we need somebody like Canada
to just go,

"Guys, you're still the last
best hope on this planet.

You gotta do something."

"Like what do we do?"

"Give yourselves a break.

Realize you left England.

That was your mother country.

You just got separation anxiety
you never dealt with.

You were 11 years old
when you got together.

You were kids.
You didn't know any better.

Of course you don't get along
at this point.

I suggest you guys
put yourselves in a--

lock yourselves in a room.

Eat, drink, fight.

Work it all out.

Four months, Philadelphia,
no press.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[jazz music playing]

Thank you, guys!

Thank you!

Thank you.

[laughs]

No.

No.
[laughing]

No! No! All right.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, guys.

Bye.

[cheering continues]