All language subtitles for The.Simpsons.S37E12.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH-HI

♪ The Simpsons ♪

[Bart] This is it, Bart.

If you strike Uter out,

the team gets a pizza party
and you'll die a legend.

Lose and we just get the pizza party.

I've seen better batters
at the International House of Pancakes.

This is a children's game,
Herr Comic Book Mensch.

And?

Und das ist mein son
that you are trash-en talk-en.

Your son? Oh, dear. If I had known...

Send this eunuch back to Munich!

Blitzkrieg!

- [grunts] Ow, ow, ow!
- [spectators gasp]

- [Comic Book Guy screams]
- [all cheering]

It only took 200 years,
but baseball finally got interesting.

Hey! [exclaims]

[all grunting]

[mutters in German, grunts]

Dang, that dude's a certified badass.

- [scoffs] Our dad could take him.
- He teaches Brazilian jujitsu on Zoom.

My dad does security for James Corden.

You know how many people
wanna punch James Corden?

Well, my dad's a badass too.

I bet he could kill everyone in town
through workplace incompetence.

[giggles] Oh, Bart, "dumbass" is
not synonymous with "badass."

[laughing]

Oh, yeah? Well, what does your dad do?

Executes inmates via lethal injection.

- Wow.
- Wow.

Ha ha!

My dad is tough, right?

[screams] Please don't hurt me.
Just take my money.

[goose honks]

If that's not enough, we can go to an ATM.

- [Homer whimpers]
- Mmm.

Hey, slugger. Whatcha watching, the game?

Shh. Great Masked British Bake Off.

[Homer] I think Nurse Shark
is Nancy Pelosi.

[groans]

Hey, I got tickets to tonight's MMA fight.
Should be pretty badass.

Uh, why don't you take Lisa?
She could use some toughening up.

Homer, either bond with your son
or help me fold this laundry.

[Homer] Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Ugh! Fine.

[MMA announcer] Springfield Brawliseum,
are you ready to fist?

[crowd cheering]

Celebrities with us at ringside tonight,

retired heavyweight champ
and CTE denier, Drederick Tatum.

Aviator and man about town, Arnie Pye.

And Latin TV star

and owner of tonight's sponsor,
Ay, Mi Cabeza mezcal, Bumblebee Man.

[crowd cheering]

But first, it's time to scour the crowd
for our most macho fan.

Is it this guy?

- [grunting]
- [crowd cheers]

[MMA announcer] How about this dude?

[screams]

[grunting]

[crowd cheering]

[MMA announcer] Or is it him?

[crowd booing]

[gasps] Look, sweetie.
We're on the kiss cam.

- Stop, Dad. You're embarrassing me.
- What the hell's your problem?

My problem?

[grunts]

I have the wussiest dad in town!

[gasps] Wuss?

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. [stammers]

D'oh! Son of a…

[grunts] D'oh! [yelps]

Hey, Carl. Your shoelace is untied.

So's yours.

- Crisscross.
- Crisscross.

- [Homer screams]
- Whoa.

[screaming]

- [grunting]
- [pounding]

[screaming] D'oh!

[screaming]

- [thuds]
- [Homer groans]

[spectators gasp]

The winner is Cotton Candy Fatso.

[crowd laughing, cheering]

That was impressive!

[gasps]

Dad, Dad.

Please don't cry on pay-per-view.

Señor Fatso.

That was the most hilarious fall
I've ever seen in my life.

The antics, the physics,
the annoyed grunts.

Sir, I would like to buy you a drink.

Throw in a food and you got a deal.

Wow! The Bumblebee Man.
You're a Springfield legend, dude.

Like Krusty, or Duffman,
or the Tiki Bar Strangler.

[chuckles] You flatter me, young man.
And, please, call me Pedro.

I didn't know you, uh, yacht rock types
watch my show.

Are you kidding? I don't know Spanish,

but when you get kicked
in the junk by a nun,

you speak
the international language of crotch.

[chuckles] Believe it or not,

I didn't set out
to be a physical comedian.

I left Mexico with dreams
of being a serious actor in Hollywood.

[Bumblebee Man] Unfortunately,
I was brought to the wrong sign

by a stupid money-hungry coyote.

[sighs] It was the worst day of my life.

Then I came upon a grand opening
for a new Spanish-language TV station.

It was the best day of my life.

I ran in, destined to become a star

no matter how long it took
or what I had to do to get there.

[grunting]

[screams, groans]

[screaming]

[speaking Spanish]

[screaming]

[screams, groans]

[screaming]

[grunts]

Mmm? [whimpers]

[speaking Spanish]

[in Spanish] Life is ironic and cruel!

[laughing]

[in English]
You, sir, are going to be a star.

[gasps]

[in Spanish] What? I don't speak English!

[in English]
And so, Bumblebee Man was born,

a tragicomic figure cursed by the cosmos,

like Sisyphus or Benny Hill.

No matter what life throws at him,
he always gets up and tries again,

just like the hardworking people
that watch my show.

So, day after day, year after year,

I sacrificed my bumble body
on the altar of comedy.

I thought I was invincible,
like Curly from the Stooges.

But alas, I was just a mortal Shemp.

I suppose time catches up to us all.

Now my tired show limps on
in the shadow of its former glory.

Simpsons, have you any idea
what this is like?

Are you gonna quit?

I was, until I saw your father's
hilarious fall down those steps.

You got up without a scratch.

[gasps] That reminds me.

Homero, would you do me the honor
of becoming my stunt double?

Stunt double? That's the badassiest job
a dad could have.

He'll do it.

- What, are you crazy?
- Think about it, Homer.

You get to crash cars
and have bottles broken over your head.

All the stuff you do now,
but you get paid for it.

You'd be the toughest dad ever. Say yes.

[♪ hopeful music plays]

- You've got yourself a stuntman.
- He said yes!

[♪ mariachi group plays "Wedding March"]

[♪ mariachi music plays]

There's the stuntman
that's going to save my career.

Come in. It is time.

This is no mere costume.

It is the armor of hope,
a beacon of light,

a symbol of truth, justice,
and the Mexican-American güey.

Uh, Homero, you're wearing
the stinger in the front.

[giggles] Whoops. A man can dream.
En garde. Ooh. Eh. Huh.

Before we get started, I must ask you
to sign a nondisclosure agreement,

for my fans would be devastated
to know I'm not doing my own stunts.

No problem, Pedro. I sign tons of NDAs.

In fact, I just signed one at work.

Apparently, our drinking water is
full of radioactive…

nothing.

Mmm.

[speaking Spanish]

[director] Cut! ¡El doble!

You got this, tough guy.

[director] ¡Acción!

Uh. Mmm. Oh.

[gasps, screams] Ow! Ow!

[screaming] Ow!

- [grunts]
- [hisses]

[sighs]

[yelps]

[speaking Spanish]

[in Spanish] I do not like life!

[laughing, cheering]

[speaking Spanish]

- [in English] Wow. Just like the old days.
- That fat güero can take a hit.

- Homer!
- [cheering]

Whoo-hoo!

And then everyone on set high-fived Dad.
Even the non-writing producers.

Ooh! They're a hard bunch to please.

[singsongy] Bart's proud of Dad!

- Bart's proud of Dad!
- [singsongy] Bart's proud of Dad!

Oh, it's true. I can't wait
to tell the kids at school

that my dad is Bumblebee Man's stunt guy.

No dice, boy. That's a secret.
Remember, I signed that MDMA?

Oh, man. What's the use
of having a badass in the family

if you can't brag about him?

Now I know how the Mangiones feel.

Dad, isn't it problematic for a white man
to double for a Mexican actor?

The director thought that too,
so he gave me these brown sleeves to wear.

[gasps] But that's Brown face.

No, it's just brown arms and legs.

Besides, with all the ICE
going on these days,

isn't it better to have a white guy suffer
instead of a Mexican guy?

Well, you got me there.

Not too much suffering, right?

'Cause I don't want you
getting badly hurt.

Relax, honey. It's all pies in the face
and slipping on plantain peels.

I'll be fine.

[♪ "Unknown Stuntman" playing]

♪ I might fall from a tall building ♪

♪ I might roll a brand-new car ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman ♪

♪ That made Redford such a star ♪

[♪ "Unknown Stuntman" ends]

Look at all these fans.

How come you never ditched TV
and became a movie star,

like all those guys
who regret leaving SNL?

Ah. I once wrote a script
for a Bumblebee Man film.

It was a time travel comedy,
and a love letter to my beloved Mexico.

I sent it to every studio in Hollywood,
but no one understood it.

Maybe I should have written it in English.

Bah! What you gonna do?

[in Spanish] Go on. Ask him sweetie.

[in English] Can I smash you over the head
with my crowbar?

Uh, I would love to, but, uh,
it's a union thing.

But you can hit my friend if you'd like.

Huh? D'oh!

Honey, I'm ho… What the hell?

Well, I'm just hugging you.
I'm happy you're home.

- [grunts]
- [Homer whimpers]

Are you crying?

Yes. I've never gotten
an after-work hug from you before.

Also, I have three fractured ribs
on that side.

It sucks not being able
to brag about my dad.

How can you stand not getting credit
for all those awesome stunts?

Hey, who needs credit when you get
after-work hugs from your twin boys?

[distorted]
Did you get a concussion today, Dad?

Maybe. Don't tell your mothers.

Homero, you are one hell of a stuntman.

All in a day's work, amigo.
Yep, anyhoo, I gotta go pee some blood.

Bumblebee Man? Wow!
I am a huge fan. I'm Johnny...

Johnny Knoxville from Jackass.
Of course I know you.

Oh, my goodness. Every great bit
I ever did was because of you.

Power wash enema,
crab Jacuzzi, fire ant facial.

[chuckles] You're too kind.

Tell me, when is
the next Jackass picture coming out?

Oh, I'm done with those, man.
My body just can't take it anymore.

But the studio keeps asking.

They even suggested
I secretly use a stuntman.

[chuckles]
The nerve of those frijole counters.

They don't get guys like us.

We'd rather traumatize a film crew
with our grisly on-set death

than ever let some stuntman
take our hits, right?

Hey, Pedro, they need us back
on set so we can...

Huh. Who's this fella
that's got your exact size and build?

[stutters] This is my trainer.
He keeps me comedically obese.

Hey, you're doing a bang-up job, tubby.

Let's toast. They might have replaced
our knees, shoulders

and, uh, other stuff,
but they can never replace our integrity.

[whimpers]

I am a liar and a fraud.
What was I thinking hiring a stuntman?

You were thinking let someone else
get banged up for a change. That's fine.

No. My audience expects
to see me getting banged hard and often,

and I lied to them.

For what? Ratings? Money?
A stupid Calvin Klein ad?

[sobbing]

I'm nothing but a sellout.

Hey, come on now,
don't cry in front of the gringos.

That's it. I'm quitting.
Show business is no place for a phony.

You can't quit now. The show's a hit,
and my son's never been prouder of me.

I'm sorry, Homero. Nothing in the world
can make me change my mind.

Hola, Pedro.

I am Alejandro González Iñárritu,
Oscar-winning director of The Revenant.

[gasps] That movie was so funny.

When that bear ate the boy from Titanic.

[laughs]

Yes, thank you.

I found your old script,
and I must make this film.

You will be the star
of the most action-packed, death-defying,

uninsurable picture ever made.

What do you say?

I say let's make a bee movie!

[♪ mariachi group plays
"Hooray for Hollywood"]

[♪ mariachi jingle plays]

[crowd cheering]

It's so nice of Pedro
to let us come along for the filming.

What's this movie about anyway?

Well, if my Spanish is correct, and it is,

it's an epic time travel adventure
about a humble bee man

who gets hilariously hurt

during the most important moments
in Mexican history.

Mark my words!

This action-packed film is
going to make billions,

in Mexican pesos, at the box office,

and do you know why?

Because I'm willing to risk it all.
Brain damage, paralysis, life itself!

You said this was all pies in the face
and slipping on plantain peels.

[chuckles] Don't worry, Marge.

I'm sure something
got lost in translation.

He said it in English.

[speaking Spanish]

Because no matter how dangerous,

Bumblebee Man has always
and will always do his own stunts.

Uh. FYI, I don't do my own stunts.
He does.

That guy with the chili-dusted Popsicle.

Mmm. Sweet.

- [screams] Spicy!
- [exclaiming] What?

You lied to your fans, to your country,
to your own director?

The movie's off!

What if we hide his face
with this green screen mask?

[Homer] Hmm?

The movie's back on!

[Alejandro] We are in Lake Texcoco
thousands of years ago.

Here, Bumblebee Man
will find a symbol from the gods

that will one day
be emblazoned on the flag

and in the heart of every Mexican.

Cue the snake and eagle!

[screams] No! Ow!

No, they're biting me! [screams]

[Alejandro] Cue more snakes
and bigger eagles!

- [snakes hissing]
- [eagles screeching]

[Homer screaming] Get 'em off me!
Too many snakes! [screams]

My childhood dream has come true.

[Homer] There's a snake inside me!

[♪ "Viva México" playing]

[screams, grunts]

[screaming]

- [bell rings]
- [grunts]

[♪ "Viva México" ends]

[gasps] Dad's home!

- [groans]
- [chuckles]

- [yelps]
- [Bart grunts]

- Good Lord!
- [gasps] Dad!

What the hell? You dodged my hug.

Can't hug.
Spent all day getting my Aztec kicked.

Homie, you can't keep doing this.
You have to quit.

The pain pills? No, I need them.
Plus, they're so cheap here.

Why in God's name would you
put yourself through this?

Uh, you're not just doing this
to impress me, are you?

Yes, but there's also
the bromance element.

So many threads.

- [Marge] Mmm.
- [Homer groaning]

[in Spanish] Luz,

there's something you must know…

[in English]
We interrupt Juan Life to Live

to bring you this English news bulletin.

Beloved actor and hometown hero
Bumblebee Man has been exposed

for using a stunt double.

Late last night, our station received
this photo from an anonymous source.

Hey, that's the picture Bart took.

[in Spanish, grunting] Why you little…

[in English, chokes] I didn't do it.

[grunts] It wasn't him.

It was me.

It was? I thought I did it.

I guess we both did it?

I was lying a second ago. I also did it.

- Why, you little… [grunts]
- [choking]

I'm sorry about Pedro,

but we couldn't stand by
and see you get killed.

Or worse,
become someone we have to sponge.

[shudders]

Oh. You care for me,
but don't want to care for me.

I feel the same about all of you.

[camera shutters clicking on TV]

I deny these vicious rumors.

And to clear my name,

I invite my fans to come see me perform
my movie's most dangerous stunt.

A comedic tumble down the steps
of Teotihuacán.

The pyramid of Teotihuacán?

That's suicide!
And still on our list of sights to see.

To the pyramid of Tootytotai…
To the Mexican triangle!

[camera shutter clicks]

Homero, you are
the only one he will listen to.

You have to stop him.

Why are all these cameras set up?

Well, better to have coverage
and not need it

than to need it and not have it.

Hold on, Pedro! I'm a-coming!

Huh. Can I talk to the transpo department?

Pedro, stop! You can't do this.

I must.
I was supposed to suffer for my fans,

to distract them
from their daily troubles,

and I lied to them.

Now my only path to redemption is pain,
hilarious pain.

[grunts]

Your fans don't want
to see you suffer for real.

They just wanna see
a goofy guy in a bee costume

saying "Ay, yi, yi" about stuff.

All I wanted was for my son
to think I was a badass.

But you know what I learned
after taking all that brutal punishment?

I hate that kid,
and what he thinks doesn't matter.

- [cracks]
- Oh. [chuckles]

It does that now.

[cracks]

Ay, Dios. Look at you.
Making this movie has broken the body

of my best non-Mexican friend
in the world.

[sobs] Can you ever forgive me?

[sobs] On one condition.
Don't do this stupid stunt!

- I won't! I love you, man!
- I love you too!

[both sobbing]

What do you say we get out of here
and go eat a taco stand into submission?

[sniffles] Sounds like a plan, amigo.

[both yelping]

- [Homer screaming] D'oh! D'oh!
- [Bumblebee Man grunting]

[gasping]

- Homero!
- Dad!

The UNESCO World Heritage site!

[both screaming]

[Homer] D'oh! Oh! Son of a…

[both yelp]

- [Homer screaming]
- [Bumblebee Man shouting in Spanish]

[laughing]

[in Spanish] This man's suffering
takes away my troubles!

[in English] It's beautiful.
We will take out the gringo in post.

[♪ mariachi group plays
The Simpsons theme]

Oh, so good.

[chuckles] Man, we sure are lucky
we didn't get hurt in that fall.

Uh, I'm not so sure.

[Homer] Hmm.

Excuse me, amigo, are we dead?

Hmm.

[Homer grunting]

No, in a coma,

but get comfy
'cause you're gonna be here for a while.

It might be nice to have a break.

And some cold cervezas.

Homero, my friend. You read my mind.

[♪ "Cien Años" playing]

[♪ "Cien Años" ends]

[♪ Spanish song playing]

[♪ song ends]

[whistles]