All language subtitles for Taskmaster - s05e02 - The Leprechaun Or The Lesbian

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,580 --> 00:00:05,740 HE LAUGHS Agh! 2 00:00:07,020 --> 00:00:08,940 Oh, my God! 3 00:00:10,900 --> 00:00:12,660 No! 4 00:00:14,140 --> 00:00:15,340 Yes! 5 00:00:21,580 --> 00:00:22,860 Oh, yeah! 6 00:00:22,900 --> 00:00:25,820 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 7 00:00:31,940 --> 00:00:33,940 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 8 00:00:33,980 --> 00:00:37,340 Hello, my name's Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster. Welcome. 9 00:00:37,380 --> 00:00:41,180 'Over the past few months, five comedians, all with enormous potential, 10 00:00:41,220 --> 00:00:44,100 have been competing in a series of ridiculous tasks. 11 00:00:44,140 --> 00:00:47,020 And it's here that they come to watch their trial unfold. 12 00:00:47,060 --> 00:00:52,180 'I say "trial" because this is basically a courtroom with me as their judge and jury. 13 00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:55,060 And like in any court room, I will judge their actions 14 00:00:55,100 --> 00:00:58,220 both severely and without the slightest hint of compassion. 15 00:00:58,260 --> 00:01:03,140 'At the end of the series, the person that's accumulated the most points will go home with this. 16 00:01:03,180 --> 00:01:06,780 Ooh! The Taskmaster trophy. AUDIENCE: Ooh! 17 00:01:06,820 --> 00:01:09,780 So, let's crack on and meet the people that want to win it. 18 00:01:09,820 --> 00:01:13,220 They are Aisling Bea! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 19 00:01:13,260 --> 00:01:15,780 Bob Mortimer! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 20 00:01:15,820 --> 00:01:18,300 Mark Watson! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 21 00:01:18,340 --> 00:01:20,620 Nish Kumar! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 22 00:01:20,660 --> 00:01:23,380 And Sally Phillips! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 23 00:01:25,980 --> 00:01:28,660 And perched next to me, he's the thought that counts, 24 00:01:28,700 --> 00:01:33,060 oh, look! It's Little Alex Horne! LAUGHTER 25 00:01:33,100 --> 00:01:36,540 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 26 00:01:36,580 --> 00:01:40,060 Alex, what are you? What am I? LAUGHTER 27 00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:44,380 'I'm a normal guy. A normal guy. I shoot from the hip. LAUGHTER 28 00:01:44,420 --> 00:01:46,780 So appalling aim. It's too low. LAUGHTER 29 00:01:46,820 --> 00:01:51,940 'And also, this is a fact about me, I brush my teeth with Primula, like, the cheese spread, 30 00:01:51,980 --> 00:01:56,100 'because it's the same packaging, and it turns out, when you're an adult, you do what you want. 31 00:01:56,140 --> 00:01:59,100 LAUGHTER 32 00:01:59,140 --> 00:02:02,620 'On we go with the show. On we go, yes. It's the Prize Task first of all. 33 00:02:02,660 --> 00:02:07,780 'Each week, the five aren't just competing for precious points, but also for each others' belongings. 34 00:02:07,820 --> 00:02:11,580 And for this show's Prize Item, we donned our thinking caps 35 00:02:11,620 --> 00:02:15,020 and then asked them to bring in their hippest item of headwear. 36 00:02:15,060 --> 00:02:16,780 Oh! Yes. 37 00:02:16,820 --> 00:02:21,580 'At the end of the show, one of them will go home with five items of hip headwear.OK. 38 00:02:21,620 --> 00:02:25,500 Nish Kumar... Hello. ..tell me about your hat and tell me why it's hip. 39 00:02:25,540 --> 00:02:29,620 The hat that I've brought in was made for me in Disneyland. 40 00:02:29,660 --> 00:02:33,100 My father's nickname for me is Nishi. Here we go. 41 00:02:34,340 --> 00:02:36,460 There. Aw! 42 00:02:36,500 --> 00:02:38,780 Yeah. Nishi, according to Urban Dictionary, 43 00:02:38,820 --> 00:02:41,860 is a very approachable, friendly, sexy girl. 44 00:02:41,900 --> 00:02:44,340 LAUGHTER 45 00:02:44,380 --> 00:02:46,060 AUDIENCE: Ooh! 46 00:02:46,100 --> 00:02:48,900 Of course, when I want to buy hip things, I head to... 47 00:02:48,940 --> 00:02:51,700 Disney World. ..Disney World. LAUGHTER 48 00:02:51,740 --> 00:02:55,140 Wanna see Aisling's hip hat? Yeah, I do. Please. OK. 49 00:02:55,180 --> 00:02:59,220 I thought to myself biodegradable, eco-friendly, 50 00:02:59,260 --> 00:03:02,580 maybe a celebrity endorsement, and this is my hat. 51 00:03:02,620 --> 00:03:04,900 It's a Yorkshire pudding hat! 52 00:03:04,940 --> 00:03:07,340 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 53 00:03:07,380 --> 00:03:11,060 When is a hat not a meal? LAUGHTER 54 00:03:11,100 --> 00:03:14,580 'Hey, Bob, we haven't got time for philosophy, mate. Sorry. LAUGHTER 55 00:03:14,620 --> 00:03:18,300 Sorry. Who are we seeing next? We're gonna see Sally Phillips. Phillips. 56 00:03:18,340 --> 00:03:22,860 Well, erm, it's headwear. And it has some hips on it. 57 00:03:22,900 --> 00:03:25,100 LAUGHTER 58 00:03:25,140 --> 00:03:29,220 It's sort of more eyewear than headwear, isn't it? It's not! 59 00:03:29,260 --> 00:03:33,020 It's not! The hips are attached to the white balaclava. 60 00:03:33,060 --> 00:03:36,820 And on the top of the balaclava, in case this came up... Right. 61 00:03:36,860 --> 00:03:38,820 ..I've attached a beret. 62 00:03:38,860 --> 00:03:42,860 'Do you wanna know how I describe it in my notes? I described that as "Hip, hip, beret!" 63 00:03:42,900 --> 00:03:45,980 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Yeah. Yeah. 64 00:03:46,020 --> 00:03:49,900 'Very pleased with that. I've told you about... erm... the jokes. Oh, yeah. 65 00:03:49,940 --> 00:03:52,580 LAUGHTER So sorry. 66 00:03:52,620 --> 00:03:55,660 OK. Who's next? Mark Watson's hat next. 67 00:03:55,700 --> 00:03:59,500 Mark Watson. Well, I've got a hat which... is, 68 00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:04,780 'has neon on it, and it lights up with the Taskmaster logo. We'll show it to you. 69 00:04:04,820 --> 00:04:09,820 Whoa! AUDIENCE: Ooh! Jesus Christ! LAUGHTER 70 00:04:09,860 --> 00:04:14,900 'I used a little trick we call paying £400. LAUGHTER 71 00:04:14,940 --> 00:04:16,420 What? 72 00:04:16,460 --> 00:04:19,980 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 73 00:04:20,020 --> 00:04:21,780 APPLAUSE 74 00:04:21,820 --> 00:04:26,420 'Imagine how awful it would be, though, if you spent all that money and then the person judging... 75 00:04:26,460 --> 00:04:29,180 decided that you should probably go last. 76 00:04:29,220 --> 00:04:31,020 LAUGHTER 77 00:04:31,060 --> 00:04:35,340 Who's next? Bob, right? Last one. Yes. Hello, Bob. Hi. Hi, Bob. 78 00:04:35,380 --> 00:04:41,340 'Yes, my hat was a gift to me from my friend Vic, Vic Reeves, Jim Moir, a few years back, 79 00:04:41,380 --> 00:04:46,940 'and he described it to me as a military hat for a future war. LAUGHTER 80 00:04:46,980 --> 00:04:50,100 I think it's pretty hip. Are you ready? Here it is. 81 00:04:50,140 --> 00:04:53,220 LAUGHTER 82 00:04:54,340 --> 00:04:56,940 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 83 00:04:56,980 --> 00:04:58,740 There you have it. 84 00:04:58,780 --> 00:05:01,820 Great. Yeah? You're gonna have to judge them now. Oh, OK. Yeah. 85 00:05:01,860 --> 00:05:05,180 Erm... Do you wanna start in the middle? Start with third place. 86 00:05:05,220 --> 00:05:08,860 And then work out... I like eating. I know that. 87 00:05:08,900 --> 00:05:13,460 Oh! Feels like a third place... I'm always third place. AUDIENCE: Aww! 88 00:05:13,500 --> 00:05:17,140 And sometimes I will pay even 400 quid 89 00:05:17,180 --> 00:05:21,660 'just to stop being third place. We don't know yet how that works out. LAUGHTER 90 00:05:21,700 --> 00:05:25,100 I'll tell you how it works out. Fourth place. 91 00:05:25,140 --> 00:05:27,620 LAUGHTER 92 00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:30,340 APPLAUSE 93 00:05:30,380 --> 00:05:34,940 Most of the time I try and use logic, but that was just gut instinct. 94 00:05:34,980 --> 00:05:38,900 It just fizzed up inside me. And now I feel awful. 95 00:05:38,940 --> 00:05:42,620 'Well, we share a gut instinct, cos I wish I hadn't done it, as well. LAUGHTER 96 00:05:44,260 --> 00:05:48,620 'Let's play a game and guess who's last. Can I enter the game? LAUGHTER 97 00:05:48,660 --> 00:05:52,500 Congratulations! LAUGHTER 98 00:05:52,540 --> 00:05:55,860 So it's either a hat made of actual hips or a war hat. 99 00:05:55,900 --> 00:05:57,940 LAUGHTER 100 00:05:57,980 --> 00:06:02,540 'I'm gonna go for the brilliant literal interpretation and give it to Sally Phillips. 101 00:06:02,580 --> 00:06:05,940 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 102 00:06:07,020 --> 00:06:10,900 'I mean, if it's any consolation, I do feel genuinely awful that I've done that. Yeah? 103 00:06:10,940 --> 00:06:13,860 Is it worth me saying my line now to lighten the mood? Yeah. 104 00:06:13,900 --> 00:06:16,740 Hat's entertainment. Hat's entertainment. What have I told you? 105 00:06:16,780 --> 00:06:19,980 LAUGHTER 106 00:06:20,020 --> 00:06:22,500 I sought permission. Just give me the first task. OK. 107 00:06:22,540 --> 00:06:25,860 The first task is what we call essential engineering works. 108 00:06:25,900 --> 00:06:28,580 Oh, no. LAUGHTER 109 00:06:39,980 --> 00:06:42,060 Hello. Hello, Sally. 110 00:06:42,100 --> 00:06:43,780 SHE GASPS 111 00:06:46,860 --> 00:06:49,140 I see the task is on a coconut. 112 00:06:50,260 --> 00:06:53,220 "Make the best coconut-flinging machine." 113 00:06:53,260 --> 00:06:56,220 "You have 20 minutes, and one attempt." 114 00:06:56,260 --> 00:06:58,820 "Furthest coconut fling wins." 115 00:06:59,980 --> 00:07:02,580 Your time starts... 116 00:07:02,620 --> 00:07:04,980 Now. OK, I'd better go look in the shed. 117 00:07:05,020 --> 00:07:09,340 'So I have to make a machine to get this as far as possible? Is that what it says? 118 00:07:09,380 --> 00:07:13,860 'So, presumably, I can't just pick it up and chuck it. Are you a machine? No. 119 00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:17,180 Er, OK, so I've gotta make a machine. Right. 120 00:07:17,220 --> 00:07:19,380 APPLAUSE 121 00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:27,380 It's sort of classic Taskmaster fodder, really, isn't it? 122 00:07:27,420 --> 00:07:29,980 Five well-educated people 123 00:07:30,020 --> 00:07:33,420 constructing a machine to fire a coconut as far as possible. 124 00:07:33,460 --> 00:07:37,180 OK, we're gonna see the construction process of the machine first of all. 125 00:07:37,220 --> 00:07:40,220 And we've grouped together Sally, Nish and Aisling, 126 00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:44,500 because it felt nice/right. Oh! LAUGHTER 127 00:07:46,140 --> 00:07:48,220 Oh, it's gonna be so good. 128 00:07:49,500 --> 00:07:53,460 So, like, a... I need a fulcrum of some sort. 129 00:07:53,500 --> 00:07:55,180 Oh, hello! 130 00:07:55,220 --> 00:07:58,020 What have we here? LAUGHTER 131 00:07:58,060 --> 00:08:02,460 I'm gonna gaffer tape the bottom of this rollerblade 132 00:08:02,500 --> 00:08:04,980 to the coconut to make it heavier. 133 00:08:05,020 --> 00:08:08,460 And also, when it lands, it'll be able to roll a bit further. 134 00:08:23,300 --> 00:08:27,900 I've found a quick problem. I couldn't get a cup of tea, could I? 135 00:08:29,460 --> 00:08:31,860 11 minutes left. Mm. Yeah. 136 00:08:31,900 --> 00:08:34,460 I'm a bit nervous now, to be honest. 137 00:08:34,500 --> 00:08:37,420 What about? Time. LAUGHTER 138 00:08:38,860 --> 00:08:40,460 Right. Here we go. 139 00:08:45,300 --> 00:08:47,460 Ow! 140 00:08:47,500 --> 00:08:51,140 OK. We're ready to go. 141 00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:56,980 'What are you trying to do? I'm trying to find a fulcrum. Yeah. I could use you. 142 00:08:57,020 --> 00:08:58,220 Place yourself under that. 143 00:08:58,260 --> 00:09:00,380 That goes down like that. 144 00:09:00,420 --> 00:09:04,020 What about... No. It's not quite staying in place, is it? 145 00:09:05,860 --> 00:09:08,700 Shitting piss! LAUGHTER 146 00:09:08,740 --> 00:09:10,460 Right, this is it. Do it! 147 00:09:10,500 --> 00:09:13,260 APPLAUSE 148 00:09:13,300 --> 00:09:16,780 Well, I think we can all agree that they made machines of sorts. 149 00:09:16,820 --> 00:09:20,500 Yes. Can we? We had a bow. A fulcrum. You said fulcrum twice 150 00:09:20,540 --> 00:09:23,140 within the first minute. Ooh! LAUGHTER 151 00:09:23,180 --> 00:09:26,540 You double-fulcrumed it. LAUGHTER 152 00:09:26,580 --> 00:09:29,860 And then a catapult system. OK. 153 00:09:29,900 --> 00:09:33,900 So this is all three of their actual attempts. 154 00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:35,740 Alright. Are you ready? Yes. 155 00:09:35,780 --> 00:09:40,540 Five, four... Am I doing it on one? Sally? 156 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,620 Good night. And good luck. 157 00:09:43,620 --> 00:09:45,900 Five... Four... 158 00:09:45,940 --> 00:09:47,900 Three... Two... 159 00:09:47,940 --> 00:09:50,780 One... launch! 160 00:09:50,820 --> 00:09:53,260 LAUGHTER 161 00:09:53,300 --> 00:09:56,060 APPLAUSE 162 00:09:56,100 --> 00:09:58,380 Launch! 163 00:09:58,420 --> 00:10:01,700 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 164 00:10:07,620 --> 00:10:10,180 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 165 00:10:10,220 --> 00:10:13,060 Has it finished rolling? It's finished rolling. 166 00:10:13,100 --> 00:10:16,220 LAUGHTER 167 00:10:19,500 --> 00:10:24,020 Both the films... Gladiator and Braveheart 168 00:10:24,060 --> 00:10:28,500 would never have gone anywhere if that was the first shot fired. 169 00:10:28,540 --> 00:10:31,500 Hindsight is 20/20, Gregory. You know? 170 00:10:31,540 --> 00:10:35,820 'Sometimes you just think, "I'm gonna be a fat, Indian Robin Hood," and you go for it. OK? 171 00:10:35,860 --> 00:10:37,940 LAUGHTER 172 00:10:37,980 --> 00:10:39,900 APPLAUSE 173 00:10:39,940 --> 00:10:45,020 'Let's talk cold facts. OK. Tell me some distances. Well, Aisling's travelled 4.40m, 174 00:10:45,060 --> 00:10:47,980 bearing in mind you were standing on a sloped driveway, 175 00:10:48,020 --> 00:10:52,300 which is well over 4.40m, and it was on a roller skate, 176 00:10:52,340 --> 00:10:56,020 so you could have just pushed it... LAUGHTER 177 00:10:58,540 --> 00:11:01,060 Anyway, 4.40m. Yes. Yes. Yes. Nish... 178 00:11:01,100 --> 00:11:03,260 Yes, Alex? ..5.30m... 179 00:11:03,300 --> 00:11:07,020 'Damn it! ..which is the equivalent of flinging a coconut over an enormous river, 180 00:11:07,060 --> 00:11:10,660 a very deep but narrow river. LAUGHTER 181 00:11:10,700 --> 00:11:15,780 Imagine getting... less than that... Yes. ..mighty bowman. 182 00:11:15,820 --> 00:11:19,420 'I don't have to imagine. It's happened. LAUGHTER 183 00:11:19,460 --> 00:11:23,260 And Sally? Sally, exactly the same length as her stick. 184 00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:26,740 'Erm... LAUGHTER ..5.50m! 185 00:11:26,780 --> 00:11:28,780 Oh! APPLAUSE 186 00:11:28,820 --> 00:11:30,820 Yeah. She's in the lead. 187 00:11:33,020 --> 00:11:37,620 Bob and Mark are still to fling. But first, loads and loads of adverts. 188 00:11:37,660 --> 00:11:40,500 APPLAUSE 189 00:11:43,980 --> 00:11:47,540 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 190 00:11:49,860 --> 00:11:54,020 'Welcome back to Taskmaster, where we're just having such a great time together. 191 00:11:54,060 --> 00:11:56,260 I can't remember what was happening, though, Alex. 192 00:11:56,300 --> 00:12:00,300 'Well, our five affluent competitors are trying to make coconut-flinging machines. 193 00:12:00,340 --> 00:12:03,860 So far, Sally, Nish and Aisling have made machines and flung. 194 00:12:03,900 --> 00:12:07,940 Let's take a look at Bob and Mark constructing their flingers. 195 00:12:07,980 --> 00:12:11,900 'Now, I'm not very mechanically-minded, so I'm... What are you looking for? 196 00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:14,100 That's the problem. I'm just looking around 197 00:12:14,140 --> 00:12:17,500 'for any obvious coconut-flinging devices, first of all. LAUGHTER 198 00:12:17,540 --> 00:12:20,740 I can practise, yeah? Yes. 199 00:12:20,780 --> 00:12:23,820 Where do I do my flinging? Wherever you want, Bob. 200 00:12:23,860 --> 00:12:25,780 Hm. 201 00:12:25,820 --> 00:12:31,180 'I'm gonna give this a go, just see what's... You know what I mean? OK. Like, see what the feeling of it is. 202 00:12:32,220 --> 00:12:34,420 LAUGHTER 203 00:12:34,460 --> 00:12:36,420 I mean... Yeah, hi. 204 00:12:36,460 --> 00:12:39,380 How will you know that the coconut's been... flung? 205 00:12:39,420 --> 00:12:41,700 Oh, I'll be watching. Yeah, but, I mean, 206 00:12:41,740 --> 00:12:44,940 'what's the actual, what designates... What do you think "flinging" means? 207 00:12:44,980 --> 00:12:46,900 Flinging means throwing, really, doesn't it? 208 00:12:46,940 --> 00:12:51,660 Have you seen machines? Tell me the most basic machine you've ever seen? 209 00:12:51,700 --> 00:12:54,500 I'd say a machine is almost anything mechanical, really. OK. 210 00:12:54,540 --> 00:12:58,540 'And you've got a hat. Yeah. Is that mechanical? Yeah. A hat is mechanical? 211 00:12:58,580 --> 00:13:00,340 That's a nice fit. 212 00:13:01,980 --> 00:13:03,860 You just... 213 00:13:04,860 --> 00:13:08,460 I'm just testing the workings of the... machine. 214 00:13:08,500 --> 00:13:12,500 Sorry, the hat? Well, this is my flinging machine. 215 00:13:12,540 --> 00:13:14,860 I'm ready to do it. OK. 216 00:13:14,900 --> 00:13:16,780 Good luck, Mark. Thank you. 217 00:13:16,820 --> 00:13:19,620 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 218 00:13:22,580 --> 00:13:26,380 'I put it to you, Mark, that a hat is not a machine. LAUGHTER 219 00:13:26,420 --> 00:13:30,100 Your other hat was more a machine, the one you paid 400 quid for. 220 00:13:30,140 --> 00:13:33,820 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 221 00:13:35,500 --> 00:13:39,940 'I did find evidence on the internet that a hat can be a machine, which I then sent to Alex. 222 00:13:39,980 --> 00:13:42,060 You did send me a link to a site, 223 00:13:42,100 --> 00:13:46,500 'which it seemed like there was evidence that machines could include hats. 224 00:13:46,540 --> 00:13:49,580 'Do you want to see it? It's called Wikipedia. LAUGHTER 225 00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:53,260 'And the entrant on machines, the final word there, you can see a list of machines. 226 00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:56,060 LAUGHTER 227 00:13:56,100 --> 00:14:00,220 '"Computers, televisions, radios and hats." LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 228 00:14:02,620 --> 00:14:06,260 'You see, the thing is, my instinct is that the crutch is more of a machine. 229 00:14:06,300 --> 00:14:10,100 Well, it's metal, and it had moving parts that I could adjust. 230 00:14:10,140 --> 00:14:13,300 And you utilised one of the moving parts. Yeah. OK. 231 00:14:13,340 --> 00:14:15,860 Here are the machine and hat in action. 232 00:14:15,900 --> 00:14:17,900 Good luck, Bob. Thank you. 233 00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:19,220 One fling. Are you ready? 234 00:14:20,140 --> 00:14:21,980 Ah! 235 00:14:22,980 --> 00:14:26,580 Ah! LAUGHTER 236 00:14:26,620 --> 00:14:28,340 Fling! 237 00:14:30,180 --> 00:14:33,220 Well, it's a distance that you can measure. 238 00:14:33,260 --> 00:14:35,380 You hit my clock. Oh! 239 00:14:36,580 --> 00:14:39,660 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 240 00:14:41,660 --> 00:14:43,980 Bob used his crutch. 241 00:14:44,020 --> 00:14:47,020 Er, and you saw it struck my clock. It actually turned the clock off. 242 00:14:47,060 --> 00:14:51,420 I don't know if you wanna factor that in. Jesus! And it went 16.20m. 243 00:14:51,460 --> 00:14:53,900 AUDIENCE: Ooh! Mark... 244 00:14:53,940 --> 00:14:57,060 18.90m. What? 245 00:14:57,100 --> 00:15:01,420 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 246 00:15:01,460 --> 00:15:06,460 'If I were to disqualify Mark for not creating a machine, he'd get no points, right? 247 00:15:07,460 --> 00:15:10,900 I've not seen you like this before. I've never felt this conflicted. 248 00:15:10,940 --> 00:15:13,340 I'm going to give Mark Watson 249 00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:16,980 an absolute maximum of two points. That's what I'm going to give him. 250 00:15:17,020 --> 00:15:20,700 So it might go down? LAUGHTER 251 00:15:22,420 --> 00:15:24,980 It might go down. OK. LAUGHTER 252 00:15:25,020 --> 00:15:27,620 I won't write it yet. Write it now. 253 00:15:29,060 --> 00:15:31,540 And then do the rest by distance. 254 00:15:31,580 --> 00:15:35,020 So Bob's crutch is a machine? That's correct. 255 00:15:35,060 --> 00:15:38,740 Five points. I'm a lucky lad. Four points for Sally Phillips. Yes. 256 00:15:38,780 --> 00:15:42,740 'Three for Nish Kumar. Correct. Mark gets two. Does Aisling also get two? She also gets two. 257 00:15:44,580 --> 00:15:46,140 SHE GRUNTS 258 00:15:46,180 --> 00:15:52,300 'How are the scores looking now, Alex? It's a tie for first place. Bob and Sally are both on nine points. 259 00:15:52,340 --> 00:15:55,980 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 260 00:15:57,860 --> 00:15:59,820 Delightful. What's next? 261 00:15:59,860 --> 00:16:02,540 Well, I'm afraid I'm completely in the dark about the next one. 262 00:16:02,580 --> 00:16:05,180 Ooh! LAUGHTER 263 00:16:17,340 --> 00:16:18,780 DOOR SHUTS 264 00:16:18,820 --> 00:16:22,060 AISLING: Oooh! 265 00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:23,740 Big up for the rave up! 266 00:16:23,780 --> 00:16:26,900 BOB: Oh! Luminosity! 267 00:16:26,940 --> 00:16:30,740 MARK: Well, I don't... I'm really worried about this already. 268 00:16:30,780 --> 00:16:35,260 NISH: What have we got here, then? I'm bad at these when I can see. 269 00:16:35,300 --> 00:16:37,340 Hello, Mark. Oh, hi, Alex. 270 00:16:37,380 --> 00:16:39,700 It's... dark, isn't it? 271 00:16:39,740 --> 00:16:41,740 SALLY: "Paint the best rainbow scene." 272 00:16:41,780 --> 00:16:45,860 BOB: "You may not open the lab door until the task is complete." 273 00:16:45,900 --> 00:16:48,860 AISLING: "You have ten minutes. Your time starts now." Where? 274 00:16:48,900 --> 00:16:50,700 On this? Yes, please. 275 00:16:50,740 --> 00:16:52,940 NISH: Oh! 276 00:16:52,980 --> 00:16:55,660 I can't see the colours! LAUGHTER 277 00:16:57,820 --> 00:17:00,460 APPLAUSE 278 00:17:01,740 --> 00:17:05,900 It's very nice to have the tasks really spelled out. 279 00:17:05,940 --> 00:17:08,820 LAUGHTER 280 00:17:08,860 --> 00:17:11,620 Let's, erm, see them. 281 00:17:11,660 --> 00:17:15,780 OK. How about Bob, Sally and Aisling? Yeah, lovely. OK. 282 00:17:15,820 --> 00:17:18,220 BOB: It's not every day that you wake up 283 00:17:18,260 --> 00:17:22,140 'and somebody's been murdered on top of you, is it? LAUGHTER 284 00:17:22,180 --> 00:17:25,020 It can be wherever you want. But a rainbow scene would be nice. 285 00:17:25,060 --> 00:17:29,060 SALLY: Two beautiful gay women. Yes. If you could. 286 00:17:29,100 --> 00:17:33,980 'AISLING: I'm going to do something very xenophobic against Irish people, 287 00:17:34,020 --> 00:17:36,220 which is put a little pot of gold 288 00:17:36,260 --> 00:17:39,900 where all the leprechauns do be hanging out. 289 00:17:39,940 --> 00:17:42,340 BOB: My very first job was as a painter and decorator. 290 00:17:42,380 --> 00:17:45,380 I saw the woman whose house, first house we painted, 291 00:17:45,420 --> 00:17:48,500 and she said it had never needed painting since, 292 00:17:48,540 --> 00:17:50,500 cos it fucking burned down. 293 00:17:50,540 --> 00:17:52,460 LAUGHTER 294 00:17:52,500 --> 00:17:55,300 SALLY: That's Marmite. Why are you using Marmite? 295 00:17:55,340 --> 00:17:59,460 'BOB: The paint's very thick in this one. Shit, it's thick! LAUGHTER 296 00:18:01,340 --> 00:18:03,180 SALLY: I'm happy with that. 297 00:18:03,220 --> 00:18:05,580 AISLING: And now for a cup of tea for this man. 298 00:18:05,620 --> 00:18:08,100 LAUGHTER 299 00:18:09,460 --> 00:18:11,980 AISLING: Mm! LAUGHTER 300 00:18:12,020 --> 00:18:15,900 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 301 00:18:17,460 --> 00:18:23,180 'And it's my favourite quote of the show so far. "Shit, it's thick!" LAUGHTER 302 00:18:23,220 --> 00:18:28,500 'Well, one of them was Marmite, as we heard. Oh! Did Sally say that it was Marmite? Yes, she did. 303 00:18:28,540 --> 00:18:31,860 'Well, Sally noticed it was Marmite and said she was gonna paint two lesbians 304 00:18:31,900 --> 00:18:34,660 using a test your strength machine. 305 00:18:34,700 --> 00:18:37,540 LAUGHTER 306 00:18:39,060 --> 00:18:42,460 'What I want to do is to drill down into that a little bit more. LAUGHTER 307 00:18:42,500 --> 00:18:47,100 'Well, rainbow. I guess, rainbow, I'm thinking it's like gay pride. Two beautiful lesbian women. Yes. 308 00:18:47,140 --> 00:18:51,620 'What's the test your strength machine? Everyone knows lesbians love using test your strength machines. 309 00:18:51,660 --> 00:18:55,060 They can't walk past one... LAUGHTER 310 00:18:55,100 --> 00:18:58,540 'We can see all three, if you want. Let's have a look at them. OK. Here they are. 311 00:18:59,860 --> 00:19:04,940 'LAUGHTER Well, the awful news is one of the lesbians is dead. 312 00:19:04,980 --> 00:19:07,740 LAUGHTER 313 00:19:09,220 --> 00:19:12,460 There are two, but one is painted in white. 314 00:19:12,500 --> 00:19:15,180 Oh! Oh! 315 00:19:15,220 --> 00:19:18,420 I think there's a bigger issue for us to discuss, 316 00:19:18,460 --> 00:19:22,420 'and that's the fact that the leprechaun appears to be smeared in its own shit. 317 00:19:22,460 --> 00:19:24,700 LAUGHTER 318 00:19:24,740 --> 00:19:27,900 Ah! Can I just explain what Bob did? 319 00:19:27,940 --> 00:19:30,540 The bottom bit of your rainbow, it's a little man. 320 00:19:30,580 --> 00:19:34,900 'You said, "He's called Matthew and he's being chased by a policeman. But you can't see the policeman." 321 00:19:34,940 --> 00:19:37,980 LAUGHTER Lovely day for it. 322 00:19:38,020 --> 00:19:40,020 LAUGHTER 323 00:19:42,620 --> 00:19:45,140 Let's talk about the quality of the rainbow. 324 00:19:45,180 --> 00:19:47,820 You've got a system for remembering the colours of the rainbow. 325 00:19:47,860 --> 00:19:51,660 'Yes. The bottom two, violet and indigo, don't really count, cos they're both purple. 326 00:19:51,700 --> 00:19:56,060 'Richard of York gave battle purple purple. OK. LAUGHTER 327 00:19:56,100 --> 00:20:00,660 'So no-one got it right. No-one got it right. But it would be difficult in the dark. 328 00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:06,020 'OK. Do you wanna have a look at Nish? Nish decided to use another sense. 329 00:20:06,060 --> 00:20:09,340 'NISH: I suppose the point of this task is to work out what colour is which. 330 00:20:09,380 --> 00:20:12,140 And how are you gonna do that? Can I smell them? 331 00:20:13,580 --> 00:20:16,580 HE SNORTS What did that smell like? Bread. 332 00:20:16,620 --> 00:20:21,180 Oh! They smell like the colours. That smells like chocolate. 333 00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:24,420 Right, I've gotta find strawberry first, cos red is at the top. 334 00:20:24,460 --> 00:20:27,060 Everything smells of lemon! You've got ten seconds left. 335 00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:29,980 Oh, shit and piss! LAUGHTER 336 00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:31,700 WHISTLE BLOWS 337 00:20:31,740 --> 00:20:33,860 Nish, stop painting. 338 00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:37,100 'Nish. We can see you. Nish, put the pot down. LAUGHTER 339 00:20:37,140 --> 00:20:39,260 Put the pot down, Nish. 340 00:20:41,420 --> 00:20:44,100 APPLAUSE 341 00:20:44,140 --> 00:20:48,140 'So they were all infused with correct scents reflecting the colours. 342 00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:51,260 It was really nice to see, you know, someone using their brain. 343 00:20:51,300 --> 00:20:53,740 "These might be different things. I'm gonna smell them." 344 00:20:53,780 --> 00:20:57,820 I think you might like the picture. Let's have a look. OK. Here we go. 345 00:20:58,900 --> 00:21:00,860 AUDIENCE: Ooh! 346 00:21:00,900 --> 00:21:03,500 APPLAUSE Mm. Lovely art. 347 00:21:04,620 --> 00:21:08,140 Is it a scene? I dunno. 348 00:21:08,180 --> 00:21:11,500 Yeah, it's a scene, mate! I like the fact that you smelt them. 349 00:21:11,540 --> 00:21:14,940 'I don't think it's a scene. Oh, come on, mate! AUDIENCE SIGH 350 00:21:14,980 --> 00:21:17,860 Here I come again with a link to some adverts. Bye. 351 00:21:17,900 --> 00:21:19,860 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 352 00:21:25,020 --> 00:21:28,380 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 353 00:21:29,500 --> 00:21:33,180 Hello and welcome back to the third instalment of tonight's episode. 354 00:21:33,220 --> 00:21:37,740 Alex, please fill our lovely audience in on the current task situation 355 00:21:37,780 --> 00:21:41,620 'and make sure it's the funniest thing you've ever said. LAUGHTER 356 00:21:43,420 --> 00:21:45,580 LAUGHTER 357 00:21:45,620 --> 00:21:48,180 Our contestants were painting in the dark. 358 00:21:48,220 --> 00:21:50,260 Just Mark Watson left to go. 359 00:21:51,540 --> 00:21:53,900 LAUGHTER 360 00:21:53,940 --> 00:21:57,060 'Nish noticed that we'd assigned scents to the corresponding paint colour. 361 00:21:57,100 --> 00:22:01,100 'Will Mark, the man who most closely resembles a character in a boiler suit, 362 00:22:01,140 --> 00:22:03,420 be any good at painting rainbows in the dark? 363 00:22:03,460 --> 00:22:07,180 Absolute horse shit. LAUGHTER 364 00:22:07,220 --> 00:22:10,900 MARK: Yeah, so when I draw on there, I'm not gonna see anything at all. 365 00:22:10,940 --> 00:22:15,100 That's the fun of the task. Why not? Er, it's too dark. Ah. 366 00:22:15,140 --> 00:22:18,540 'Red. I'm just thinking red because that's where we start with a rainbow. 367 00:22:18,580 --> 00:22:21,660 The tricky thing is not losing my bearings, isn't it? 368 00:22:21,700 --> 00:22:25,340 'I don't think there's a way that I'm missing of supplying myself with light. 369 00:22:25,380 --> 00:22:27,460 It looks like there's a light switch there. 370 00:22:27,500 --> 00:22:30,620 'I don't think it probably is, but it would be silly of me not to at least try. 371 00:22:30,660 --> 00:22:33,260 It didn't say I can't turn the light on. 372 00:22:33,300 --> 00:22:36,380 Mm. That does help. Oh! 373 00:22:36,420 --> 00:22:39,460 Is that against the rules? It's a lot easier like this. 374 00:22:39,500 --> 00:22:42,380 It's much easier, actually, yes. This is why normally we have lights. 375 00:22:42,420 --> 00:22:45,860 'Er, I've made it easier for myself, certainly, but everyone will do that. 376 00:22:45,900 --> 00:22:49,220 'Everyone will put the light on. So it's all about the quality of the rainbow now. 377 00:22:49,260 --> 00:22:52,420 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 378 00:22:52,460 --> 00:22:55,140 An absolutely legitimate move. Right? 379 00:22:55,180 --> 00:22:58,500 The light switch was there for all five. It was lit by the square. 380 00:22:58,540 --> 00:23:01,900 'If you watch back, it is always there. And they just said you can't leave the room. 381 00:23:01,940 --> 00:23:04,500 Oh! LAUGHTER 382 00:23:04,540 --> 00:23:07,380 The question is, was your picture any good? 383 00:23:07,420 --> 00:23:11,500 'I think there's one element of the rainbow which you'd be surprised that he got wrong. 384 00:23:12,500 --> 00:23:15,620 LAUGHTER 385 00:23:15,660 --> 00:23:19,780 'That is worse than what we did in the dark! LAUGHTER 386 00:23:19,820 --> 00:23:24,660 Oh, my God! It's quite flat. It's quite a flat rainbow. 387 00:23:24,700 --> 00:23:26,140 LAUGHTER 388 00:23:26,180 --> 00:23:31,460 'Jesus Christ! Rainbows have only got one physical characteristic. LAUGHTER 389 00:23:31,500 --> 00:23:33,860 Maybe we should focus on the two witnesses. 390 00:23:33,900 --> 00:23:37,140 'Do they seem unimpressed? No. They're saying, "Wow!" LAUGHTER 391 00:23:37,180 --> 00:23:39,740 APPLAUSE 392 00:23:41,860 --> 00:23:45,860 'Right. We can see all five now. Then you can decide. Yeah, let's have a look. 393 00:23:45,900 --> 00:23:48,860 Now, I would argue that Bob's... 394 00:23:48,900 --> 00:23:50,660 is.. 395 00:23:50,700 --> 00:23:54,100 a horrible scene. LAUGHTER 396 00:23:55,340 --> 00:23:57,740 A dystopian nightmare. LAUGHTER 397 00:23:59,500 --> 00:24:03,540 'And as a consequence, I think I'm going to pop him in last place. OK. Fair enough. 398 00:24:03,580 --> 00:24:07,300 OK? One point. And one up from him, 399 00:24:07,340 --> 00:24:11,340 'he did some good smelling, but that's not a scene. It's rubbish. LAUGHTER 400 00:24:11,380 --> 00:24:17,580 'The most intelligent person in the room, arguably, was the person who worked out how to turn the light on. 401 00:24:17,620 --> 00:24:20,780 Then he let himself down horribly... LAUGHTER 402 00:24:20,820 --> 00:24:23,180 ..by not understanding the basics. 403 00:24:23,220 --> 00:24:28,220 'So I'm gonna put Mark in third place. It's the leprechaun or the lesbian. I think that... 404 00:24:28,260 --> 00:24:30,260 LAUGHTER 405 00:24:30,300 --> 00:24:34,140 I suspect, and feel free to write in, lesbians, 406 00:24:34,180 --> 00:24:37,100 I suspect that they don't feel the need... 407 00:24:37,140 --> 00:24:40,220 HE LAUGHS ..to prove their strength 408 00:24:40,260 --> 00:24:42,940 using an old-fashioned test your strength machine. 409 00:24:42,980 --> 00:24:47,900 'But I can't prove that leprechauns don't smear shit everywhere. LAUGHTER 410 00:24:47,940 --> 00:24:51,180 So Aisling in first place? So Aisling is in first place. 411 00:24:51,220 --> 00:24:54,500 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I never win anything! 412 00:24:54,540 --> 00:24:58,940 Ha-ha! We need to crack on. Alex, can we have a quick task, please? 413 00:24:58,980 --> 00:25:02,740 Quick one? OK. Well, this one is the best one since sliced... 414 00:25:02,780 --> 00:25:05,340 Well, you'll see. You'll see. 415 00:25:16,180 --> 00:25:17,940 Hello? 416 00:25:23,020 --> 00:25:26,460 "There is a loaf of bread in the lab." 417 00:25:26,500 --> 00:25:29,580 "Slice the loaf as neatly as possible. 418 00:25:29,620 --> 00:25:32,020 You may use one tool only." 419 00:25:32,060 --> 00:25:36,020 "And that tool must be found in this caravan." 420 00:25:36,060 --> 00:25:40,300 'Where there is also a loaf of bread. But the bread's not here. The bread's in the lab. 421 00:25:40,340 --> 00:25:44,860 "Slice in the lab." So not this loaf. A different loaf. 422 00:25:44,900 --> 00:25:48,340 "You have five minutes. Your time starts now." 423 00:25:48,380 --> 00:25:50,660 Right. OK. 424 00:25:50,700 --> 00:25:53,180 Well, that's quite sharp. 425 00:25:53,220 --> 00:25:56,460 APPLAUSE 426 00:25:56,500 --> 00:26:00,460 OK. So they have to slice a loaf of bread that was in the lab. 427 00:26:00,500 --> 00:26:03,660 But they were only allowed to take one item to slice it with, 428 00:26:03,700 --> 00:26:08,340 'and that item had to be found in the caravan. Lovely. It's a standard task. Yep. 429 00:26:08,380 --> 00:26:12,260 'Do you wanna see Aisling doing almost that? Yeah! LAUGHTER 430 00:26:12,300 --> 00:26:16,260 I already... I just only realised what the task was. 431 00:26:16,300 --> 00:26:17,940 LAUGHTER 432 00:26:20,620 --> 00:26:23,700 "There is a loaf of bread in the lab." 433 00:26:23,740 --> 00:26:24,860 Interesting. 434 00:26:24,900 --> 00:26:29,660 Without a doubt, I'm gonna use... this... can. 435 00:26:30,860 --> 00:26:33,180 Oh! The bread smells delicious! 436 00:26:35,500 --> 00:26:38,660 I mean, there's one slice. I don't wanna waste this bread. 437 00:26:41,380 --> 00:26:43,580 Ow! Cut myself. 438 00:26:45,180 --> 00:26:47,860 LAUGHTER There's blood on the loaf. 439 00:26:47,900 --> 00:26:50,460 Ow! Ow! I've cut myself again. 440 00:26:50,500 --> 00:26:53,100 SHE LAUGHS 441 00:26:53,140 --> 00:26:55,220 LAUGHTER 442 00:26:59,820 --> 00:27:02,260 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 443 00:27:05,300 --> 00:27:06,340 Yeah. 444 00:27:07,820 --> 00:27:12,620 'Can there be any sadder sight... LAUGHTER ..than a blood-covered loaf of bread 445 00:27:12,660 --> 00:27:15,460 in the wrong room? LAUGHTER 446 00:27:15,500 --> 00:27:19,180 Any points? No, she didn't take... No. She didn't go to the lab. 447 00:27:19,220 --> 00:27:24,180 'No. No points. No. No points to Aisling. Do you wanna see Mark and Nish? 448 00:27:24,220 --> 00:27:25,980 Er, yes. OK. Here we go. 449 00:27:26,020 --> 00:27:30,420 'This is a red herring. You can't really slice bread with bread, as the phrase is. 450 00:27:30,460 --> 00:27:33,260 This is possible, I think, is it? It's not ideal. 451 00:27:33,300 --> 00:27:36,740 'I assume it would be too convenient for there just to be a knife knocking around. 452 00:27:39,940 --> 00:27:41,060 Dammit! 453 00:27:45,260 --> 00:27:47,740 I think I'm gonna go with that. 454 00:27:51,620 --> 00:27:54,140 Right, I'm gonna give it a try with this. To the lab! 455 00:27:54,180 --> 00:27:56,420 LAUGHTER 456 00:27:56,460 --> 00:27:58,180 Yes, there's the bread. Hi, Alex. 457 00:27:58,220 --> 00:28:00,140 There he is. 458 00:28:00,180 --> 00:28:02,780 Are you using a book? Through The Christian Year. 459 00:28:02,820 --> 00:28:05,580 What are you slicing it with? I'm hoping to slice it with this. 460 00:28:06,580 --> 00:28:09,220 So, that's... that's a slice, isn't it? 461 00:28:09,260 --> 00:28:11,860 It's not easy. And you can see why people do use bread knives. 462 00:28:11,900 --> 00:28:13,380 LAUGHTER 463 00:28:16,020 --> 00:28:18,660 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh! 464 00:28:18,700 --> 00:28:21,380 A perfectly-sliced piece of bread! 465 00:28:21,420 --> 00:28:24,300 20 seconds left. Oh, shit and piss! 466 00:28:24,340 --> 00:28:26,420 LAUGHTER 467 00:28:26,460 --> 00:28:29,340 That's sort of a slice, isn't it? Not too bad, actually. 468 00:28:29,380 --> 00:28:31,980 Well, that's sort of a slice, isn't it? 469 00:28:32,020 --> 00:28:33,740 WHISTLE BLOWS 470 00:28:35,380 --> 00:28:38,260 WHISTLE BLOWS Stop slicing. 471 00:28:38,300 --> 00:28:41,700 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 472 00:28:44,540 --> 00:28:47,420 I've gotta say, I was pretty confident I'd be in last place, 473 00:28:47,460 --> 00:28:51,180 'but I reckon without somebody being in the... LAUGHTER 474 00:28:51,220 --> 00:28:54,140 ..the wrong area altogether. Yeah. SHE SIGHS 475 00:28:54,180 --> 00:28:58,020 'You've got a chance. Nish's were very neat. You used Through The Christian Year, 476 00:28:58,060 --> 00:29:03,180 'Poems Old And New, by Godfrey Bradby and Joseph Hunkin, published in 1933. 477 00:29:03,220 --> 00:29:08,180 'LAUGHTER Yours wasn't the most obvious choice of knife. 478 00:29:08,220 --> 00:29:12,580 'It was, well, it was a grill. No, it was more of a grill. Pretty blunt. LAUGHTER 479 00:29:12,620 --> 00:29:16,660 'I have to say, I'm increasingly starting to understand why we're being grouped together... 480 00:29:16,700 --> 00:29:19,740 Me, too. Me, too. Because when you got that grill out, 481 00:29:19,780 --> 00:29:23,980 'I was like, "This guy's a fucking genius." LAUGHTER 482 00:29:24,020 --> 00:29:28,380 No, it was actually... APPLAUSE 483 00:29:29,460 --> 00:29:33,500 Do you wanna see the grownups, Sally and Bob? Oh, what, mate? 484 00:29:33,540 --> 00:29:36,940 Yeah, I do. Here we go. 485 00:29:38,780 --> 00:29:44,060 'Nothing. Slice it with a sausage. Slice it with... I could have a go with that. 486 00:29:45,300 --> 00:29:47,660 I was thinking maybe a toothbrush could do it. 487 00:29:47,700 --> 00:29:50,740 Maybe string could do it. Yeah. Right, well, I better get going. 488 00:29:50,780 --> 00:29:52,620 I could try with that. 489 00:29:56,660 --> 00:29:58,140 Hey! 490 00:30:01,620 --> 00:30:04,820 I'm gonna have to hack at it so at least I got one. 491 00:30:10,380 --> 00:30:13,700 LAUGHTER 492 00:30:14,860 --> 00:30:17,700 A party of four, is it, madam? Yes, certainly. 493 00:30:17,740 --> 00:30:21,060 Would you like a slice of bread for each of your party. 494 00:30:21,100 --> 00:30:22,620 WHISTLE BLOWS 495 00:30:23,900 --> 00:30:25,660 I've been dying to do this. 496 00:30:29,940 --> 00:30:31,260 WHISTLE BLOWS 497 00:30:31,300 --> 00:30:34,860 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 498 00:30:38,460 --> 00:30:41,940 The fact that Sally had protective gloves on, 499 00:30:41,980 --> 00:30:44,380 had we learned from a previous accident? 500 00:30:45,660 --> 00:30:48,380 LAUGHTER 501 00:30:48,420 --> 00:30:52,660 So they both created four hunks of bread. 502 00:30:52,700 --> 00:30:55,700 Yeah. Very much a dental theme with yours, Bob. 503 00:30:55,740 --> 00:30:58,820 I thought the string would work. But it was incredibly ineffective. 504 00:30:58,860 --> 00:31:03,020 'Well, this is one of the problems. They were only allowed to use one item. Ohh! 505 00:31:03,060 --> 00:31:06,140 Right. And I'm afraid they did both use two. Oh, dear. 506 00:31:06,180 --> 00:31:09,620 Oh, right. You know, the rules are rules, right? 507 00:31:10,780 --> 00:31:12,780 Yeah, I suppose they are. LAUGHTER 508 00:31:12,820 --> 00:31:17,060 That means zero points for the following individuals, 509 00:31:17,100 --> 00:31:19,460 which is unprecedented. 510 00:31:19,500 --> 00:31:22,180 'This is incredible. This is our moment! LAUGHTER 511 00:31:22,220 --> 00:31:24,620 We did it! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 512 00:31:31,740 --> 00:31:35,180 Aisling "Wrong Room" Bea, zero. 513 00:31:35,220 --> 00:31:40,020 Bob... Zero. Zero. Sally, zero. 514 00:31:40,060 --> 00:31:45,860 'In second place, Mark with four points. And Nish Kumar takes the victory with five points. 515 00:31:45,900 --> 00:31:49,620 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 516 00:31:51,340 --> 00:31:54,700 Do we have a scoreboard update? Yeah. Well, it's tightened things up. 517 00:31:54,740 --> 00:31:58,300 There are three points separating all five. It looks like this. 518 00:31:58,340 --> 00:32:01,820 Oh! Oh! Yeah, it's close. Close. 519 00:32:01,860 --> 00:32:04,660 APPLAUSE 520 00:32:05,820 --> 00:32:08,540 Can we have another one, please? Yeah, we've got a quick one. 521 00:32:08,580 --> 00:32:13,260 'You're gonna be proud of me. It's the first team task of the series. Oh! Here we go. 522 00:32:28,940 --> 00:32:32,100 Please stand behind the cone and be very careful. 523 00:32:32,140 --> 00:32:34,500 Look who I found! 524 00:32:35,980 --> 00:32:39,780 Little old Bob. Hello! I was just hanging around having a dump. Sally! 525 00:32:39,820 --> 00:32:41,940 LAUGHTER 526 00:32:41,980 --> 00:32:44,980 'How are you doing? You alright? Lovely to see you, Sally. Yeah, you, too. 527 00:32:45,020 --> 00:32:46,700 Hello, Nish. 528 00:32:46,740 --> 00:32:50,100 Mark, please stand behind your cone. Alright. And be very careful. 529 00:32:50,140 --> 00:32:54,060 What's going on? Wow! Yes. Here we go. 530 00:32:54,100 --> 00:32:56,300 GENTLE WHIRRING 531 00:32:56,340 --> 00:32:58,180 LAUGHTER 532 00:33:02,420 --> 00:33:04,580 AISLING GASPS If you could just wait. 533 00:33:06,780 --> 00:33:08,820 There. 534 00:33:08,860 --> 00:33:10,980 Oh, my God. Cool. 535 00:33:12,380 --> 00:33:13,940 LAUGHTER 536 00:33:13,980 --> 00:33:16,660 It's too wet now. And it's broken. Yeah. 537 00:33:16,700 --> 00:33:18,380 THEY LAUGH 538 00:33:19,660 --> 00:33:21,460 "Achieve the greatest splat. 539 00:33:21,500 --> 00:33:24,580 One teammate must be splattered for the splat to be valid." 540 00:33:24,620 --> 00:33:27,420 "You have ten minutes to choose your splatting materials 541 00:33:27,460 --> 00:33:32,060 'and then ten minutes to pull off your splat." "Pull off your splat." "Your time starts now."Right. 542 00:33:32,100 --> 00:33:34,580 So you're gonna do the splatting somewhere else. 543 00:33:34,620 --> 00:33:39,060 And whoever's dropping, splatting, they're gonna be high up. 544 00:33:39,100 --> 00:33:42,500 'High up? So we have to get as high... No. We're gonna provide one of these. 545 00:33:42,540 --> 00:33:45,700 An actual crane? An actual crane? Oh! Right. 546 00:33:45,740 --> 00:33:48,180 Oh! Are you alright with heights? Yeah, yeah, yeah. 547 00:33:48,220 --> 00:33:50,860 Sally, you alright with heights? No. 548 00:33:50,900 --> 00:33:52,740 Yoghurt is a good splatting material. 549 00:33:52,780 --> 00:33:55,500 A big bucket full of yoghurt. A bucket full of yoghurt. 550 00:33:55,540 --> 00:33:58,620 Ambrosia Rice. Rice pudding. It's traditional, isn't it? 551 00:33:58,660 --> 00:34:00,580 We could do lots of balloons full of cream. 552 00:34:00,620 --> 00:34:03,220 What colour balloons? All green apart from one that's yellow. 553 00:34:03,260 --> 00:34:06,700 And that's the piss one. Yes. LAUGHTER 554 00:34:06,740 --> 00:34:12,260 'We'd like two big buckets and all the non-set yoghurt... Money can buy. Yeah. 555 00:34:12,300 --> 00:34:14,420 Swords. Please don't forget those, though. 556 00:34:14,460 --> 00:34:16,820 Condoms, small balloons and big balloons. 557 00:34:16,860 --> 00:34:19,460 Bad quality. Yeah. So it won't be much good for the company. 558 00:34:21,420 --> 00:34:24,020 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 559 00:34:26,380 --> 00:34:30,060 Interesting suggestion. Have one balloon full of piss. 560 00:34:30,100 --> 00:34:33,660 'LAUGHTER Yeah. Not a traditional splatting substance. 561 00:34:33,700 --> 00:34:37,900 'You've never heard of a splat like this. We were trying to get away from the Noel's House Party, 562 00:34:37,940 --> 00:34:42,580 'gunge, splat. We agreed that Bob was going to gently piss a tiny bit into a balloon 563 00:34:42,620 --> 00:34:45,500 and the rest... LAUGHTER 564 00:34:45,540 --> 00:34:47,380 So you were going to be dropping... 565 00:34:47,420 --> 00:34:50,300 It's called warm fun. LAUGHTER 566 00:34:50,340 --> 00:34:53,140 In certain circles, that's what they do call it. 567 00:34:53,180 --> 00:34:58,380 So, just one more part left. See you there for the last bit of the show. 568 00:34:58,420 --> 00:35:01,220 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 569 00:35:05,220 --> 00:35:07,820 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 570 00:35:11,180 --> 00:35:15,060 Welcome back to Taskmaster. Part four, then. Here we go. 571 00:35:15,100 --> 00:35:19,260 'Weren't we... We were in the middle of a team task. You're right. And it was a messy team task. 572 00:35:19,300 --> 00:35:24,300 'They've been busy splatting, Greg. Do you wanna see Aisling, Bob and Sally? 573 00:35:24,340 --> 00:35:27,100 I mean, of course. Immediately. OK. 574 00:35:27,140 --> 00:35:29,020 What do you reckon? Yeah. 575 00:35:29,060 --> 00:35:33,260 She's so dead. We're gonna kill her. We're gonna absolutely kill her. 576 00:35:33,300 --> 00:35:35,060 One... Two, three... Go. 577 00:35:38,900 --> 00:35:40,660 LAUGHTER 578 00:35:43,020 --> 00:35:46,220 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 579 00:35:47,540 --> 00:35:49,100 Oh, blast! 580 00:35:51,660 --> 00:35:55,060 This one's gonna get it, Sally. That's the one with piss in it. 581 00:35:55,100 --> 00:35:58,020 'That's the one with piss. LAUGHTER Oh, what a shame. 582 00:35:58,060 --> 00:36:00,980 'Oh! Ah! OK. 583 00:36:02,420 --> 00:36:04,300 SHE LAUGHS 584 00:36:05,300 --> 00:36:07,420 Yeah! CHEERING 585 00:36:12,620 --> 00:36:14,260 'Yeah! 586 00:36:15,940 --> 00:36:18,100 Yes! LAUGHTER 587 00:36:18,140 --> 00:36:19,620 Yay! 588 00:36:19,660 --> 00:36:23,180 Yeah, Sally! Yes! 589 00:36:23,220 --> 00:36:24,860 Die! 590 00:36:24,900 --> 00:36:27,860 'Die! Die! Die! 591 00:36:27,900 --> 00:36:29,540 Great work, Sally. 592 00:36:33,580 --> 00:36:36,380 This is the last one. Agh! 593 00:36:42,700 --> 00:36:45,300 Hey! That is the greatest splat! 594 00:36:45,340 --> 00:36:47,860 Yeah! Check it out! 595 00:36:50,100 --> 00:36:53,020 A soldier! You're a soldier, Sally! 596 00:36:53,060 --> 00:36:56,900 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 597 00:37:00,100 --> 00:37:02,540 Had the lot, didn't it? Had the lot. 598 00:37:02,580 --> 00:37:06,100 LAUGHTER 599 00:37:06,140 --> 00:37:09,980 And one of the most erotic condom swinging scenes... 600 00:37:10,020 --> 00:37:13,020 LAUGHTER ..I've ever seen. 601 00:37:13,060 --> 00:37:16,380 Presumably from a piss-drenched woman. 602 00:37:16,420 --> 00:37:19,300 LAUGHTER 603 00:37:19,340 --> 00:37:22,420 That was fun. Next up we've got Mark and Nish. 604 00:37:22,460 --> 00:37:25,340 M and N. Or N and M. But here they are. 605 00:37:25,380 --> 00:37:26,980 LAUGHTER 606 00:37:27,020 --> 00:37:30,900 'I'm gonna try the first dab of the yoghurt. Yeah, OK. 607 00:37:30,940 --> 00:37:33,500 'I'm just gonna watch this come down and position myself. 608 00:37:36,300 --> 00:37:38,180 OK. 609 00:37:38,220 --> 00:37:42,140 'If we do that again, I'll get splattered real nice. Go for it, Watson. 610 00:37:42,180 --> 00:37:45,060 LAUGHTER 611 00:37:49,540 --> 00:37:53,580 OK. That's most of one bucket. OK, Watson. 612 00:37:53,620 --> 00:37:56,860 'I'm ready, mate. Incoming! Splat me. 613 00:37:58,540 --> 00:38:00,900 LAUGHTER 614 00:38:04,700 --> 00:38:06,820 LAUGHTER 615 00:38:11,620 --> 00:38:14,140 'OK. It seems like we've hit the right trajectory for it. 616 00:38:14,180 --> 00:38:15,620 Mate! 617 00:38:17,540 --> 00:38:20,940 'LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 618 00:38:26,500 --> 00:38:28,060 NISH LAUGHS 619 00:38:30,300 --> 00:38:31,820 MARK LAUGHS 620 00:38:31,860 --> 00:38:35,380 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 621 00:38:35,420 --> 00:38:38,620 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 622 00:38:41,380 --> 00:38:45,020 Does it hurt, having yoghurt thrown at you from 30 feet? 623 00:38:45,060 --> 00:38:49,540 'When it hits the visor, it was quite like being shot at, yeah. LAUGHTER 624 00:38:49,580 --> 00:38:53,060 'And there was a lot of food in this one. We have donated money to a food bank. 625 00:38:53,100 --> 00:38:56,060 Just because it didn't feel great 626 00:38:56,100 --> 00:38:58,580 pouring that much yoghurt onto a man. 627 00:38:58,620 --> 00:39:02,260 LAUGHTER Split the splats, Greg. 628 00:39:02,300 --> 00:39:06,060 'I'll split the splats. I don't know what to do. I think they were both brilliant. 629 00:39:06,100 --> 00:39:09,740 But I sometimes think that there is an art in simplicity. 630 00:39:09,780 --> 00:39:13,580 Oh! And I think that that final awful image 631 00:39:13,620 --> 00:39:16,620 of Mark Watson... LAUGHTER 632 00:39:16,660 --> 00:39:22,740 ..surrounded by... by yoghurt, it was quite beautiful. 633 00:39:22,780 --> 00:39:27,860 'But I thought the other one was great, as well. And Sally took a face full of piss for the show. 634 00:39:27,900 --> 00:39:30,700 So I'm gonna say three points to the two gentlemen, 635 00:39:30,740 --> 00:39:32,820 two points to the trio. OK. Done. 636 00:39:32,860 --> 00:39:35,700 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 637 00:39:35,740 --> 00:39:38,340 We did it. We put everything into it. 638 00:39:38,380 --> 00:39:43,260 'It's that time in the show when I send you up to the stage for the final task of the show. 639 00:39:43,300 --> 00:39:46,660 So please go to the stage for the final task of the show! 640 00:39:46,700 --> 00:39:49,300 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 641 00:40:05,620 --> 00:40:11,340 'Wow! I can only imagine what the task is. Who's gonna read it out? I think Bob is. Bob. 642 00:40:11,380 --> 00:40:13,980 If that's alright with you, Bob. OK. There we go. 643 00:40:16,460 --> 00:40:21,140 "With your face placed firmly in your hole at all times..." 644 00:40:21,180 --> 00:40:23,100 LAUGHTER 645 00:40:23,140 --> 00:40:27,660 "..paint the most recognisable animal, vegetable or mineral. 646 00:40:27,700 --> 00:40:31,100 You must incorporate your face in the picture. 647 00:40:31,140 --> 00:40:36,940 Most accurate representation of an animal, vegetable or mineral wins. 648 00:40:36,980 --> 00:40:41,340 You have three minutes." Let's get going. Yeah. OK. 649 00:40:41,380 --> 00:40:44,900 'That time starts... HE BLOWS WHISTLE ..now. Good luck, everyone. 650 00:40:47,820 --> 00:40:50,260 LAUGHTER 651 00:40:57,380 --> 00:40:59,460 I mean, presumably, 652 00:40:59,500 --> 00:41:03,620 given the amount of things they could draw, Alex, 653 00:41:03,660 --> 00:41:07,140 'there's gonna be no replication, is there? LAUGHTER 654 00:41:09,420 --> 00:41:11,900 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 655 00:41:11,940 --> 00:41:13,780 Oh, shit! 656 00:41:13,820 --> 00:41:17,420 'Are you painting that? Yeah. Here you are, you paint the green bit. I'll paint you. 657 00:41:17,460 --> 00:41:20,700 Paint the green bit. AUDIENCE MEMBER: Come on, Aisling! 658 00:41:20,740 --> 00:41:23,580 Thank you, Ireland! LAUGHTER 659 00:41:26,940 --> 00:41:29,220 NISH SPITS 660 00:41:30,700 --> 00:41:32,460 Five seconds left! 661 00:41:32,500 --> 00:41:38,140 Four... AUDIENCE: Three, two, one. WHISTLE BLOWS 662 00:41:38,180 --> 00:41:41,300 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 663 00:41:44,060 --> 00:41:48,020 'Please will you all join us back down here, we'll see what that's done to the final scores. 664 00:41:48,060 --> 00:41:50,060 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 665 00:41:52,100 --> 00:41:54,980 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 666 00:41:58,860 --> 00:42:04,980 'Lovely, lovely art. Erm, can we have a look at all those pictures first? Yes. So here they all are. 667 00:42:05,020 --> 00:42:07,740 You've gotta judge which is the most recognisable. 668 00:42:07,780 --> 00:42:11,860 'Well, I think we've gotta be absolutely literal about this. The most recognisable. 669 00:42:11,900 --> 00:42:17,180 'There are four pictures there that are as recognisable... that I recognise immediately. 670 00:42:17,220 --> 00:42:19,660 Which ones are they? Well, there are... 671 00:42:19,700 --> 00:42:21,780 LAUGHTER 672 00:42:22,860 --> 00:42:25,500 There are three carrots. LAUGHTER 673 00:42:25,540 --> 00:42:30,020 Oh, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. And correct me if I'm wrong, Aisling... Yes. 674 00:42:30,060 --> 00:42:34,300 ..there is a cat with a giant penis. LAUGHTER 675 00:42:34,340 --> 00:42:38,580 Yes, yes. So they're all five points. 676 00:42:38,620 --> 00:42:40,940 SHE GASPS Now... Thank you. 677 00:42:40,980 --> 00:42:43,540 ..Bob's is interesting... LAUGHTER 678 00:42:43,580 --> 00:42:45,700 ..because... 679 00:42:45,740 --> 00:42:47,900 I think I know what it is. Right. 680 00:42:47,940 --> 00:42:50,740 And if it is that thing... 681 00:42:50,780 --> 00:42:54,100 'But how are you... Cos if you say what it is, he'll just say, "Yes, it is." 682 00:42:54,140 --> 00:42:57,540 But I'm gonna get Bob to say it at the same time as me. After three. 683 00:42:57,580 --> 00:43:01,060 Three? Three, two, one. 684 00:43:01,100 --> 00:43:03,740 Ice cream. Ice cream cone. Yeah. Ohh. 685 00:43:03,780 --> 00:43:07,620 'I had some doubt in my mind about Bob's, so I'm gonna have to give him one point less, 686 00:43:07,660 --> 00:43:11,300 cos there was doubt in my mind, cos, well, his painting's shit. 687 00:43:11,340 --> 00:43:13,940 LAUGHTER 688 00:43:15,140 --> 00:43:18,420 You don't mind Nish and Sally painting each other? No, I don't. 689 00:43:18,460 --> 00:43:22,300 It's only a game, innit? Fair enough. LAUGHTER 690 00:43:22,340 --> 00:43:25,420 So, erm... APPLAUSE 691 00:43:26,860 --> 00:43:31,100 'So, I mean, I dread to think, how does that affect the final scores, Alex? OK. 692 00:43:31,140 --> 00:43:34,780 It's been a tight one. But there is one clear winner and that winner, 693 00:43:34,820 --> 00:43:37,980 you can see here, is... Oh! ..it's Sally Phillips! 694 00:43:38,020 --> 00:43:41,700 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 695 00:43:45,540 --> 00:43:50,020 'Sally wins. Go and grab your prizes and feel good about yourself, Sally! Thank you. 696 00:43:50,060 --> 00:43:52,940 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 697 00:43:56,180 --> 00:44:00,220 'So what have we learned today? We've learned that wherever Paul Young lays his machine, 698 00:44:00,260 --> 00:44:03,380 that's his home. LAUGHTER 699 00:44:03,420 --> 00:44:06,260 APPLAUSE 700 00:44:06,300 --> 00:44:11,300 'But the other thing that we've learned is that Sally has won tonight's episode. 701 00:44:11,340 --> 00:44:14,620 Well done to her and goodbye to you! Goodbye! 702 00:44:14,660 --> 00:44:17,860 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 703 00:44:20,060 --> 00:44:24,020 Subtitles by Ericsson 97995

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