All language subtitles for Taskmaster - s04e07 - No Stars for Naughty Boys

That's a shocking start.

Stop!

Ah!

Whoo!

Mmm.
Yep, that's it.

Where's Tom?

Ah.

Ah.
Ah.

Ah.
No.

I hate you.

Let me out of here!

Hello and welcome to
Taskmaster.

It's another week, and yet
again,

they have succeeded
in shaving my body down,

lathering it in oil and
slipping me into my Tom Gleeson
skin suit.

I am, of course, Kyle
Sandilands, and welcome to
Taskmaster.

And competing for this trophy
of my golden noggin,

five people who are definitely
not Kyle Sandilands.

They are Dave Hughes.

...Emma Holland...

...Lisa McCune...

...Takashi Wakasugi...

...and Tommy Little.

Hello.

And sitting next to me, a man
who, when he uses a urinal,

he has the trousers and undies
down around his ankles,

it's Tom Cashman.

Alright, slap a surprise task
on the grill, please, Lesser
Tom.

Of course,
our first task is a prize task.

Each of our contestants
have brought in a prize,

and the winner of tonight's
episode will take home all
five prizes.

Tonight, our contestants
have been asked to bring in

what they consider to be the
most disappointing purchase.

Ooh.
OK. Uh, disappoint me, Waka.

I bought the grinder pepper.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

So because you never finish
the pepper inside.

You always grind up... It's
broken.

Waka, no, a question
on technique, though.

Some people grind from here,

but some people like to get a
bit of height and grind from
here.

Why he's so horny all the time?

I'm talking about pepper.

Isn't it good to see the comedy
of Tommy Little back again?

Alright, Emma, what did you
bring in?

Well, it's probably easier
if I just show you.

OK.

So this is a taxidermied rat
with a vacuum cleaner.

I thought it was going to be
alive.

So you were disappointed
because you thought it was

actually going to just
start to clean your house?

Yeah.

The vacuum is so small, it
would have to empty it so
often.

Well, that's not my problem,
and that's not what I'm paying
him for.

Alright, Dave,
what do you bring in?

I brought in a purchase,
uh, that my wife purchased.

It wasn't my purchase.

It is anti-dandruff shampoo.

I don't use it often enough.

And she's really disappointed
by that.

I'm happy with this shirt
tonight,

because the other night,
I was wearing a dark shirt.

And, yeah, our wardrobe
really had to work extra hard

in the ad breaks to...

Yeah, you would've needed

a little rat with a vacuum
cleaner to clean it all up.

Uh, Lisa, what has disappointed
you?

I purchased a churros maker.

Um, and look, I did use it
once,

and they just came out
a little soggy

and a bit kind of flaccid,
so they...

...they... they... they...
Just calm down, Tommy.

Sorry, sorry.
Just...

You can let some through
to the keeper, mate.

That was such a good one.

Um...
They look tasty.

I think it's a good...
Well, they are.

You have to put a lot more oil
in

and really get the fat going
on them to make them nice and
stiff.

Nobody wants a floppy one.

Penis.

Sorry, I've just been calmly
waiting for an edit point.

Tommy, what did you bring in?

When I was learning to fly
planes, you had to buy the
study stuff,

and it was all quite expensive.

And one of the items in it
was an EB-6 flight computer

that calculates wind.

And I'm like, "This is going
to be unbelievable.

"I can't wait to get
this new computer."

This is what it is.

It's just a spinny wheel, Tom.

It looks pretty cool to me.
It probably works.

But it was 1,500 bucks
with the books.

Really?

I thought the computer
was the big-ticket item...

Yeah.
...of the 1,500 bucks.

And it's just a spinny wheel.

But that is an actual computer.
What do you mean?

A computer is just something
that computes.

I know you think you're being
smart now, but...

No, no, no.
I don't think it I, I know it.

No, if you were...
There's one person clapping.

Oh!

Being smart is not popular
and I don't give a shit.

I'd rather be smart.
But, I...

I'd rather be unpopular
and not thick like you, Tommy?

Are you...?
I know how to fly a plane, Tom.

Alright, well, I gotta score
- this.
- Yeah.

The least disappointing
for me was Tommy,

because he was disappointed
by a computer,

which was clearly a computer.

So, one point to Tommy.

Two points to Dave.
OK.

You yourself said it's more
disappointing for your wife.

I'm going to say Emma's
taxidermy rat,

you must have been so excited.

Then, unfortunately, it was
dead,

so it didn't actually
vacuum anything.

Then I'll give Lisa four points
for the electric churros maker

because it's...

Yeah, it does sound like it
created some very disappointing
churros

that look like cocks.

I didn't say that, but thank
you.

But I'm going to give
five points to Waka

because of his disappointing
pepper shaker.

because he can never get
all the peppercorns out.

OK, another disappointment,

I now give you the appointment
of doling up a proper task,
Lesser Tom.

Very well.

We're back to the warehouse
for a photoshoot with hundreds
of people.

Hey, Tom-Tom.

God, this is spectacular,
isn't it?

Magnificent location.

This is a cool place, I like
it.

It's a weird spot to have a
hat.

"Take up to 100 photos
of yourself

"somewhere in this warehouse
and wear this red hat in one
of them."

"You must take all your photos
from the same spot."

"Your photos will be edited
together into one photo."

"Photo that makes the
Taskmaster take longest

"to find red-hatted you wins."

"You have 20 minutes."

"Your time starts now."

How can I hide red-hatted me?

It's rather bright.

The best bet would probably be
to have other red stuff in it.

Essentially I find whichever of
them has a red hat on in the
photo.

That's it?
That's right.

So it's like Where's Wally?

Well, generic red-stripey
hidey-glasses man.

Why are you not saying it?
Because of... laws.

What are you frightened of? Red
tape?

Red tape, then white tape.
Then red tape, then white tape.

Alright. Well, I'm going to
need to see the screen for this
one.

So through the magic of
television and your puny
muscles, Lesser Tom,

move me into position.

OK, Dave Hughes is up first.
I've got my timer ready.

Are you ready?
Happy to play.

Alright. Ready. Go!

Alright. It's very menacing, by
the way. I should say straight
up.

OK. Can you just zoom?
Zoom into the centre.

Keep going. Oh, yeah. Zooming.

You didn't say stop zooming.
That's enough. Stop.

Stop zooming. Thanks. I think
we need to go to the right.

Maybe zoom out first.

Stop zooming. To the right.

It is confronting.

Alright, stop.

Zoom in.
I think I can see him.

Found it! Right there in the
centre. Little head poking out.

Yeah. That's correct.
Ah!

Respectable time.

One minute and 12 seconds to
find the Dave Hughes wearing
the red hat.

Yeah. Is this a bad time
to say I'm colour-blind?

Alright, let's keep playing.
Alright, Emma Holland is up
next.

Are you ready?
OK, yep.

Oh, God.

Oh, there's red everywhere. OK,
I got to see, have a look here.

If I was Emma, where would I
put it? I'd put it far away
from the camera.

So I'm going to go... Can you
just zoom in to the top-left
corner?

Because I'm thinking that's
what you do, and keep going...

Zoom in further there, top
left.

Oh, stop. Oh, it looks like
it's... Just go up a bit.

OK. What am I looking at now?

Oh, yeah, I can see it.
Oh. Where is it?

At the bottom of that ladder,
just right...

That is correct.

It's not on her head. Does that
matter? Did you specify it had
to be?

You have to be wearing the hat.

It's up to you whether that
counts as wearing, I guess.

I guess...
It's not a traditional wear.

You've just got to wear it
somewhere on your person.

Do you? You could
disqualify her straightaway.

You found red-hatted Emma
in one minute and nine seconds.

Not bad.

Can I just say you have no idea
what it feels like playing this
game

with a room full of nerds
behind you,

who are so desperate
to yell out the answer.

You know what it's like? Like
I'm sitting in front of Reddit.

You know what I mean?
And I don't like it.

Alright,
time for some advertisements.

We'll see you soon, and I'll be
looking for more red hats.

Welcome back to Taskmaster,

where someone in our crew

has taken 100 photos
of our contestants

and then put them
all together in a collage.

What a sicko.

That's right, our contestants
have taken up to 100 photos.

We've put them all together,

and only one of them
is wearing a red hat.

You've gotta find the red hat
as quickly as possible.

Next up, you have Lisa McCune.

OK.
Ready, set, go.

OK. Oh, God.

Oh, there are hats everywhere.
I can see all of them.

Found it. In the foreground,
she's wearing it there.

The front, to the right.
That's wearing it, isn't it?

She's holding it on her head.
Yep.

Found it.
OK.

Is that it?

Are you wearing it?
I can't remember.

I did it so many times.

So Lisa's approach here
was that she, in her view,

wasn't technically wearing
them, except in one.

Um, but I think the precedent
that we set with Emma

has made the Taskmaster be,
I suppose, more liberal

with what constitutes a wear.

Oh, no.

Well, if Emma was wearing it
on her front,

then Lisa was wearing it
several times in this
particular picture.

I found it as soon as
the photo came up.

Oh, my God.
Come on.

Up next, we have Tommy Little's
photo. Ready, set, go!

Ah. Alright, where is he?

Where's that little hat?
He's hiding it.

Go to the back of the picture, please.

Right in the centre. Zoom in.

Zoom in.

He'll be right at the back
there somewhere, I reckon.

Oh, there!
Shut up, Hughes.

Ooh.

Alright,
zoom back out again, please.

Stop. OK, just to the right.

This is like a very low-stakes
version of CSI, isn't it?

I reckon there's a lot of
middle-aged women

who have had this dream.

I feel like it's not that
different

to what prison would look like,
to be honest.

I was gonna say,
"It looks like prison."

OK, let's just zoom out a bit,
please. Zoom out.

OK. Go left.

Because I'm also thinking
there's a big blank space to
the left.

There it is. Found it.

Oh!

It's on top of that red box.
Yes. That's correct.

It was an effective method.
Yes.

There's a whole wall of Tommys.

I should have noticed the
absence of Tommys on the left.

Yes.
So the distraction worked.

You took one minute and 56
- seconds.
- OK.

Well done, Tommy.

Alright, Waka is our final
contestant. Ready, set, go!

Alright. Oh, lots of red there.
Lots of red there.

- I'm looking around.
- Waka has
instituted the bin method.

As a distraction. It's very
good.

Found him.
Wow.

Third bin from the left at the
- back.
- Wow. That is correct.

Good technique, though.

OK. So, what time did Waka get?

You found it really quickly.
It only took you 15 seconds.

Ooh.

Waka, did you have to get out
of the bin,

then they moved the bin
and then you get in?

Or could they wheel it
with you inside?

I wheeled him around 100 times.
Did you?

Oh!

That was so stinky.
Yeah.

That was very stinky.

Just to recap the times,
we had Lisa with 10 seconds.

Waka, only 15 seconds.

Emma, you found in one minute
and nine seconds.

Dave, one minute and 12
seconds.

And, Tommy, it took you
one minute and 56 seconds,

which means Lisa gets one
point, Waka gets two,

Emma gets three, Dave gets
four.

But Tommy wins the task
with five points.

OK. Another task, please,
Lesser Tom.

OK, some tasks,
they feature half a punch.

Sometimes they have
three-quarters of a punch.

This one has a hole punch.

Hi, Tom.
Hi, Tom-Tom.

Hello, Thomas.

Does anyone call you Thomas?
Not really.

Hello, Thomas.

Let's have a look.

I'll stay here if that's OK.

What is this?

It's a hole punch.
Oh.

Careful of that sphere.

I think it's magnifying light
in such a way

that it's potentially
going to burn one of the pages.

Oi, it's real hot.

Yeah, don't do that, yeah.

"Punch the most holes
in this document."

"From the furthest distance."

"Your attempt is complete

"when at least one hole
has been punched."

"Most holes punched.

"plus metres from the document
when punched, wins."

"You have 15 minutes."

"Your time starts now."

So, Tommy, when someone tells
you

you shouldn't touch something
'cause it's hot,

maybe just don't touch it.

Well, but what is it?

What if no-one else has
touched it before and I'm the
first?

Then I get to tell everybody
how good touching it was.

So, straightforward stuff,
pretty much.

You've just got to punch a hole
through as many pages as
possible.

That's right.
From as far away as possible.

Yeah, metres plus holes
punched. That's the final
score.

Who's punching away first?

Let's hope there are holes
in their documents,

but not in their plans,
it's Emma and Tommy.

Oi, grab that!

What the Tom?

I went to Cubs,
I never went to Scouts.

And I was the only person
to not get one badge. Not one.

You didn't do Scouts or
- anything?
- No, I did horse
riding.

Every girl I know got kicked
by a horse at some point.

I never got kicked by a horse.

And they all deserved it.

Can you come and stand on it?
OK.

Each time I pull, can you go,
"Uh."

Uh!

Oh, sorry, I focused on the
'uh', not the standing.

Oh.

Only other thing I can think is
to tip the tyre down the hill.

OK.
And that would be miraculous.

Is there a hole in it?

No.
No.

90 seconds left.

Quick, quick, give me the
document down here.
hell!

This isn't drilling!

Hole?
No hole.

No hole. OK.

Come on, come on.

40 seconds.

Can you hold this?
OK.

Tom!

You didn't warn me.

25 seconds.

OK. One, two, three.

Oh, my gosh, like lawn bowlers
do when they walk it in!

When they walk it in!

When they walk it in!

Whoa!

There's a hole?
There's a hole.

Awesome.

Thanks for checking out my
hole.

Tommy, it would've been great
if it worked.

I know! It was thrilling to
- watch.
- Mate, it was...

What a ride. That was you.
We were all on board there.

Even me.
I wanted you to be successful.

I don't know what's worse.
When you lie to yourself or
you lie to me?

OK, so, Emma, wool to hold down
the hole punch?

I spent so long trying to find
tape, and I couldn't find it
anywhere.

And so wool was my next best.
But even tape?

I mean, that's up the
craft end of the spectrum,

not the DIY end
of the spectrum, I feel.

Yeah. Have you met me?
Yeah, I have.

Tom, I'm a crafty lady.

OK, and you also said, "Thanks
for checking out my hole."

Are you dabbling in the comedy
of Tommy Little?

I don't get it.
Oh, it's a... Hole has a...

Can you explain it to me, please?

'Hole' can refer to your
vagina.

What's a hole punch, then?

Wow.

Hang on.
Sorry!

I'm just asking.
Hey, everyone. No, it's OK.

Tommy's picked up the ball
and he's running with it.

Stop it.

Are we riffing at the moment?
Are we riffing?

I thought, if there's other
people in the shallow end of
the pool,

we may as well play!

Well, what result did Emma get?

Um, well, Tommy dared to get
zero, as we know.

Thank you.

Emma chose to put one piece
of paper in the hole punch.

Emma put two holes, plus she
was 22.2m away, so her score
is 24.2.

Ooh.
OK.

I should've just pressed it.

OK, I want to see more holes
punched at a distance.

Next up, using stationery
to keep their scores moving,

it's Lisa and Dave.

So if I just throw this there
and it hits there

and it goes down and punches a
hole,

the task is over.

Maybe that can go in there
somehow.

It's gotta be a reasonable
amount that it's gonna
actually do the job.

Alright, here we go.

Um, to stop that going in...
Wait a second, I've just got...

You got stuff in your pockets?
I like to carry a few...

You just never, ever know if
you might need that something.

That can clip over like that.

I'm just going to see whether
or not I can get that to come
down.

No, I think it's...
Alright, I'm gonna go closer.

I just don't know whether or
not it's going to...

No. That's not...
I just need another lever.

There's a hole. It's worked.

Am I out of time?

There's a hole in the document.
Is there?

How many holes have I done?
I can only see one.

No, there's another one.
I've done at least two.

I think I'm proud of myself,

but I'm not completely sure
I am proud of myself.

But I think I am.

I'm going to go and rethink
that.

So, Lisa, you had
a premature hole punch.

Yeah, I mean, I was working
towards something bigger,

and I accidentally punched a
hole.

Yeah.
Yeah, sorry about that.

I am sorry.
I thought it was a good effort.

You don't have to apologise to
us. You still did better than
me.

I know, I...I really
thought I was on to...

If I apologise for every time
I was a bit shit,

all I'd do would be
apologising.

Well, I won't apologise.
And also we've talked about it.

Sometimes you're
a bit too polite, Lisa.

On this show I want you to cut
- sick.
- OK.

This is your time. This is,
this.... No-one cares around
here.

Alright, well, he
didn't let me have a good go.

Oh!
Yes, Lisa!

Come on.

Oh, my God. Thanks, guys.

God, that felt good!

Oh, my God,
you've unleashed the dragon.
That was incredible.

I've gotta say, I've been
working away at that for seven
episodes

and it paid off!

OK, so, Hughesy.
Yes.

Did you ever stop and think

there could be other things
on the property?

Or you're just, like, "Grab,
throw?"

I'm just saying, you didn't...

It did...

It didn't feel like
a complicated strategy.

No, it wasn't. It was exactly
how you described it.

But also, you know, TV's tough.

You know, it's not
an easy gig these days.

And we all want to get the show
done on time and on budget.

And I think that helped. Uh...

Both Lisa and Dave
managed two holes punched.

Lisa was 1.7m away,
Dave was 3.1m away,

so Lisa gets a score of 3.7,
Dave gets 5.1.

Thank you.
Oh, well done.

Pretty good.

Alright, go on, then.
Punch the card for one more.

They call him Waka, but can he
whack from afar? It's Takashi
Wakasugi.

Oh, great idea. Dominoes.
Dominoes.

I put tyres here, and the last
one's going to be...

Alright.

Oh! Did you see that?

Alright, more tyres.

Good. Two more.

Still walking, still walking.
Nice work.

Great idea. OK.

Alright. This is far.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I forgot, I'm gonna put paper.
Alright.

Alright, alright.
Three, two, one...

Not yet. Not yet. Not yet.
Not yet. Not yet. Not yet.

One minute and 27 seconds.

I still have time.
Don't worry, it's OK.

Argh!

One minute, one minute, one
minute.

One minute and two seconds
left.

Yeah, yeah. We have still time.
No rush, no rush.

Damn tyres.

30 seconds.
30 seconds.

Can you count every seconds
now?

17...
Alright, alright.

...16, 15...
Three.

...13, 12, 11...
Ah!

...ten, nine, eight...

...seven, six, five, four...

...three, two...

Tyres, it's very difficult.

I'm very tired.

Waka, you also dared to dream.
Yes.

I was so disappointed, you
know, I couldn't sleep that
night.

Yeah, I mean, whenever you
weren't there, it worked really
well.

But whenever you got involved,
didn't work anymore.

That's life.

Every task I use a tyre,
never did well.

I know.
I hate tyres.

I know.

Waka's the only person, I
guess, who maybe accidentally
clued on

to the number of holes
being kind of quite relevant.

Yes. Could have we just used
our hands and just gone down?

Arguably.

So Waka may have been close,
only 1.7m away, but he punched
68 holes.

What?

That means Tommy gets zero
points, Lisa gets two, Dave
gets three,

Emma gets four, but Waka
wins the task with five points.

And in terms of episode scores,

Tommy is in last place at the
moment with six points,

but Waka's
in the lead with 12 points.

OK, you want another task?
Sure.

I'll give you another task
right after these ads.

That's right.
I'm a dirty little task tease.

But you know you love it. Back
soon!

Hello.

Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where five desperate comedians

are doing absolutely everything
in their power to win a dead
rat.

That's right. Love is in the
air.

But will it make its way
into anyone's bodies?

Let's find out with the team
task.

Come in.
Did you knock?

After you, sir.
Alright, thank you.

Hi, Tom-Tom.
Hi, Waka.

Hello.
Hi, Dave.

Hi, Lisa. Hi, Tommy.
Hey, Tom.

Is he your favourite?
I don't have favourites.

Bullshit.

Oh, there's a lot of words
- there.
- I can do this.

I'm happy to share if you
wanna read a bit and I can
read a bit.

Oh. Can you read?

That's too long.

"Make these singles
have chemistry on their first
date."

"On their second date."

"They are both wearing
earpieces."

"They will only say or do
whatever you tell them to do."

"At least one person from your
team must be in the study."

"And one must be outside."

"If you are in the study,
you'll be in control of her."

"If you are outside,
you will be in control of him."

"Best chemistry wins. Your
singles will arrive in 10
minutes."

"For their 20-minute date."

"Your time starts now."

Is there something to be said
about me feeding the man the
lines

and you guys feeding the woman?

Because you...

Because we'll know
what we want to receive.

I really think that you
should go with the girl.

And I should go with the boy.
Alright.

That's sexy dress.
That's fine. She can wear that.

The guy gonna wear... This is
- yours?
- That's my pants.

Why are you put your...?!

OK, so we're back with the team
- task.
- Yeah. That's right.

I got the sense that the boys
are just a bit excited

to be using walkie talkies.

It's all they really cared
about.

Alright, we better rip off
the bandaid

for these two
unlucky-in-love birds.

Cashman, let's go.

Call them cheese, 'cause
they're about to craft some
singles,

it's Waka, Tommy and Emma.

Oh, my God.

He looks good.

She looks great.

Can you ask her what is
important to her in a
relationship?

What do you think is important
in a relationship?

Uh, knowing each other's names.

Knowing each other's names.
What's yours?

Say Genghis.

Genghis.

Ask her what her goal is
for the date.

What's your sort of goal
from this date?

And if there's a silence, just
start filling it with facts
about catfish.

Um...

...there's been a lot going on
in the news about catfish
recently.

Catfish.

Have you ever caught one?
Put your hand in a catfish?

That's good.
Keep doing that hand action.

Imagine that's your mouth...

Well, it's not your mouth,
but catfish mouths.

In, grasp, and, like, yank it
out.

So are you just gonna sit
with that guitar

or are you gonna strum
something, maybe?

OK, just start playing some
chords.

And now wink five times, please.

Just sing a song with the
guitar.

♪ I love you so. ♪

♪ I want... ♪

OK, just keep playing
while she's singing.

♪ So

♪ I want you so... ♪

Ask her if she wants to marry
you.

Do you want to marry me?

Can I wear hat first?

Um, can I wear hat first?

Put the hat on her.

Let's marry.
Let's marry.

The Taskmaster restaurant
has closed.

♪ I love you so. ♪

♪ I love you so. ♪

Sing along as you leave.

♪ I need you so. ♪
♪ I need you so. ♪

# I need you so. ♪

♪ ..with you. ♪

The task is over, guys.
Can you please let her...

Tell him he has to kiss the hat
and then you'll leave.

Thank you.

You have to kiss the hat
and then I'll leave.

The task is over, guys.
I don't have to do anything.

Kiss the hat.
OK.

Alright.

♪ I love you so! ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

Um... what were you thinking?

I think we started quite well,
and I'm glad you did this, bro.

But Waka just started singing,
and it was wonderful.

But then there was no turning
- back.
- Yeah.

I did a singing task before,
and I got confident.

Yeah, cool.
And I did it again.

Well, we all remember that
task.

I'm not sure if you should
have been confident.

Emma, I really think you made
his

grotty moustache hipster
personality shine through.

Yeah, look, I've come across
a few of them in my lifetime.

I...I know what I would have
liked them to say on dates.

Oh, so that's what you would
like in a date?

Yep.

Well, and I mean, to be fair
as well, the task had ended,

but they still seemed to be in
love.

It was difficult
to get them to leave.

Alright, let's see the others
then, eh?

They seem like
they've been married 20 years.

So matters of the heart should
come easy, it's Lisa and Dave.

When he turns up, say, "Better
late than never, I suppose,
Gareth."

When you go in, tell her how
beautiful she looks.

Oh.
You look beautiful.

Better late than never, I
suppose.

Reach out and put your hand
there, see if she holds it.

Can I just say I hadn't
noticed... Just how beautiful
your eyes are.

I noticed yours.
I noticed yours.

I'd also never noticed...
Do you like anchovies?

...how thick your moustache was.
Do you like anchovies?

I also just never noticed
how thick your moustache was.

What made you grow a moustache?
Are you hiding something?

Just say you've got a scar
from...

A water skiing accident
on my top lip.

Right. God, I love lakes.

So do you.
I too love lakes.

Uh, uh...
Uh, uh...

We should start travelling.
We should start travelling.

Where would you like to go?

I would like to go...
Into your heart.

You already have my heart.

So take my hand.

OK, you can hold my hand.

You can hold my hand.

Go down on your knee
and propose to Chloe.

Oh, my God.
God.

Say, "For the time I have..."

...left on this earth,
I want you to be mine.

Is the moustache gonna be
for the wedding or not?

Is the money gonna be spent
on the wedding?

What about the moustache?
My stash.

No, the moustache.

It's the moustache. I don't
like it.

Right. I was just wondering
if you could help me up.

Tell her you've got a dicky
disk in your back

and you're struggling to get
up.

I've got a bit of a dicky disk
in my back so just...

We need Tom back to witness
our wedding.

Get Tom back in. Get Tom back
in.

There we go.

Tom, Tom, marry us.
Marry us...

...in the power that you've got.

Put the hand back on the table.

With the power that you've got.

With the power
that isn't vested in me,

as a waiter
at the Taskmaster restaurant...

Sorry.

Oh, my God.
I love you, Gareth.

I love you, Gareth.

Thank you, Gareth.
Thank you, Gareth.

So the actors, were they
single?

I should clarify,
they weren't actors.

They were real single people.

Oh, OK.

I do feel that the Aged Team,

I feel like there might have
been more chemistry happening

throughout that date.

I mean, Lisa, you came in
pretty strong there.

Like, you really wanted
to speed things up.

Well, yeah. The lag is hard.

Like dealing with the lag is
hard, you know? Didn't you
find?

A lot of my stuff
got lost in translation. Um...

So just another task for you,
Dave?

But also, you made her say.
"Thanks, Gareth."

And then you said
"Thanks, Gareth," to yourself.

Well, I was saying thank you
to him for being in the task.

Thank you for going through
- that.
- Then he said, "Thanks,
Gareth,"

to himself.

OK. So I'm going to say there
was more chemistry for the Aged
Team.

OK.
So I'm going to go 5,5,3,3,3.

Alright.
Oh, good. OK. Well done, Dave.

OK, time for a break.
You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to go to my dressing
room and get nude and meditate.

So to the fans who wanna know
the real Tom, there you go.

Bye!

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

These task teats
are full of tasty milk.

Squeeze me out
another task, Lesser Tom.

I truly can't wait for the
honour.

But first, a quick update
on our episode scores.

The winner at the moment
is Waka with 15 points.

OK, Tom 'The Body' Cashman,

serve one up.

Sure thing.
Welcome to the Terrordome.

Tom?

Hmm.

Alright. No Tom.

I don't like it when he's not
here. It's unsettling.

"Avoid getting wet by
Tom. You must remain within
the bunker."

This is the bunker?

"Tom is outside the bunker,
but can't step inside."

"Longest to avoid getting wet,
wins."

"You have 20 minutes."

"Your time starts after Tom
gives you an example

"of what he is capable of."

Oh, my God!

Ha-ha-ha! I laugh at you.

Is that it?
What do you mean?

One water bomb and one Super
Soaker?

Oh, there's more where
that came from, buddy boy.

Lesser Tom, I've never seen you
so excited about a task.

This one was a lot of fun.

Alright, so tell me, Fritzl,
who do we see first?

I had to get into character
for this one.

Like a spy movie villain,
but with water.

So first up, Tommy, Dave and
Lisa will meet Pond, James
Pond.

Ah!

Mate, you're nowhere near it.
What have you got, man?

You have to do a lot better
than that.

It doesn't say that I'm not
allowed to use this.

Ha!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Oh, come on!

Alright, I need... Whoa!

Ah!

Alright, he's over there.
He's over there.

Oh, this is so super creepy.

Oh, there you are.

Has anyone told you you play,
like, a creepy psychopath,
like, quite well?

I'm not playing a character.

Where is he? Where is he?

Wah!

Oh, whoa!

I got you, Lisa.
OK.

Ah! Got me.

Oh.

Thanks, Dave.
Thank you.

Thanks, Tom.

Uh!
Thanks, Tom.

Thanks, Tommy.

Did you get some revenge there,
Tommy?

Yeah. Yeah.

But that wasn't part of the
task. That was just extra fun?

No, but it was like my dessert.

OK, so it seems like the best
thing to do is just to run
around?

Yeah, I think keeping moving
was a good strategy.

OK, well, when you got Hughesy,

I feel like you were aiming for
him, even though you couldn't
see him.

Were you listening to him?
Yeah. Dave Hughes was quite
vocal.

Yeah, I like to express myself
and also give him a chance.

You know, he works hard
and he deserves...

You worked really hard, man.
So good on you.

I feel like all of you actually
were being quite honest,

because, Lisa,
it barely just got your ankle.

Yeah, I didn't feel like
I got that wet.

Yeah, I know, but then you
screamed in disgust, so you
gave yourself up.

Well, 'cause I was having
a lot of fun.

Should we look at some results?

Yes. So Hughesy got wet in
two minutes and 14 seconds.

OK.

Lisa took three minutes
and 24 seconds,

but Tommy eluded me for nine
minutes and 39 seconds.

Ooh. OK.

Time for an ad break.

And if you've got a bunker,

this is your cue to go down and
check the restraints around
their ankles

and just make sure
they're still tight.

Have fun. See you soon!

Hello. Welcome back to
Taskmaster.

What's going on, Cashman?

At the moment, our contestants
are in the Terrordome

trying to avoid being water
bombed or water gunned.

I can't get anyone else
to call it the Terrordome.

Next up, facing 00.7,
it's Waka and Emma.

I saw it. I saw it, I saw it.

Yes, yes.

Tom, Tom, Tom.

You should think more.

You should think more.

Good try. Good try.

You can't throw that.

You're too good.
Thank you.

What does 20 minutes means?
It's already 20 minutes?

10 seconds left.

Put gun. Put gun down.

Yes!
You're not wet?

No, I'm just sweat, but... That
doesn't count, unfortunately.

It's finished?

That was the easy one.

Oh!

I got you.

I really thought
I'd done something then.

Uh, so, Waka...
Yes.

I kind of want to say, "Well
done,"

but I'd prefer to say,

"Lesser Tom, you suck."

No, no. He did well, he did
- well.
- He did well.

Finally, I could show you
something like a Ninja, Ninja
path.

Yeah!
Finally, finally.

You must've known
that you were onto a good thing

when he got so desperate he
threw his bloody toys into the
cot.

That feel good. That feel so
good.

Yeah, well, what were you
thinking, throwing your empty
gun?

I had to try something
different.

That's an extraordinary effort,
Waka.

I honestly, I'm so impressed
by what you just did there.

That was incredible.

Do... do you believe him?
I think...

I don't think we're giving
Waka enough credit here.

It was an incredible effort.
He's trying. You won't shut up.

So, Emma, you must have thought
you found a brilliant hack.

No. At no point
did I think I'd nailed it.

I think my fight or flight
kicked in, and it turns out I
cower.

I think maybe I thought that,
like, I was covered by enough
of it,

that he'd have to get it on my
head,

and then he did that.

What scores are we looking at?

Well, Waka, obviously, I
failed to get in the allocated
20 minutes,

Emma I got in 57 seconds.

So that means one point to
Emma, two to Dave, three to
Lisa,

four to Tommy, but Waka
wins the task with five points.

Alright, then,
get your tushies up on stage

for the final task of the show.

OK, people, things, stage.

Who's going to explain
what's going on, Lesser Tom?

I'm gonna ask the team of two
to read it out.

OK. "In teams,

"feed your stick thingy

"through your helmet thingy.

"Your stick thing may not touch
the sides of your helmet
thingy.

"The team mate wearing the
helmet

"must be facing
the audience throughout.

"The team mate
holding the stick thingy

"may not move off their mat

"and must be wearing
their blindfolds.

"Fastest team wins.

"Most rounds won wins."

Right, yep.

Alright, blindfolds on, guys.

Are we ready? Go!

OK, Dave, lower your stick.
Stop! Stop!

Lower. Lower your stick.

Lower, lower, lower.
Lower, lower.

Lower your stick. Lower your
stick.

Come on, come on.

Lisa and Dave have won round
one.

Subsequent rounds will have
different stick thingies.

Oh.
Different sticks?

Stop looking at yourself.

I think I've aged well.

Do you know Hughes actually has
no greys? That's just dandruff.

It's a pretty good joke.

Alright, we ready? Set...

Alright, Emma.
Alright.

Keep coming, keep coming,
keep coming, keep coming.

Straighten it up a bit.
Keep coming.

Emma, come on.

Was that us?
Yeah, we got it.

The team of three win round
two.

Yeah!
Ah! What happened, Dave?

I forgot I could walk
backwards.

I was too busy looking at
myself.

Alright, round three. Go.

OK. That's it, Dave.
Straighten him up.

Tommy, come up.
Twist to the right.

Twist to the right.
Twist to the right.

Go! Stay there.

Oh, we've got a touch.
Team two touch.

Oh!

Both teams have touched. That's
zero all for round three.

Sorry, gang.

OK, we need to go to an ad
break. If it's onesies, go now.

If it's twosies, you might have
to hang on. See you soon!

Welcome back to Taskmaster,

where our contestants
have been up on stage

sticking things into other
things.

Take it away, Lesser Tom.

We're in the middle of
a live team task.

One person has got a helmet on
with a wire thingy on it,

and the others have a stick
thingy

they're trying to put through
the wire thingy.

We've got two rounds left, and
it's one point to one point.

Everything to play for. Are we
ready for the fourth round?

Ready, set, go!

Stay there. I'm coming.

I'm coming home to Papa.

We've got a touch, team of two.

We've got a touch, team
of three.

Zero all in round four.

What just happened?
What are you doing?

I nearly broke my racquet.

Are we ready for round five?
Ready, set, go!

OK, Dave, come up a bit and...
twist to the left.

Emma, coming.
Twist to the left.

No rush.

Twist to the left, the left.
What do you mean 'twist'?

The pole.
Hold it up more.

Straighten it up. Twist it up.

No, left.
Twist to the left.

What do you mean?
Twist it to the left!

Are you coming, Emma?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- You coming?
- I'm coming. Twist
it to the left.

What do you mean?
Lift it up for ...!

Up!
Emma, no rush.

Up!

Team of two touched.

Team of three have been
successful.

My God!

I can't work with you.

I said twist to the left.

I was!
I said, "Twist to the left!"

Alright. Good, good, good.
Can you stop...

Are we still going?
No.

Can you tell me? Alright, alright.

I kept saying, "Twist to the
left."What does "Twist to the
left" mean?

Hughes. Oh!

OK, all sticks and helmets
away.

Come on down
and let's score that bad boy.

Alright, remind me of the
scores, please.

The A Team won the first round,
as we remember.

The B Team tied in the second
round.

But in the final round,
the B Team took the win.

Tommy, Waka, and Emma win the
task.

OK, so the Better Team,
five, five, five.

The Aged Team, three, three.
OK.

That means it's a tight
scoreboard.

But winning the episode with
25 points, it's Takashi
Wakasugi.

Congratulations, Waka!

Go up there and claim your most
disappointing purchases.

But what have we learnt?

We learnt that
if a fight is brewing,

call up Waka
and throw some hole punches.

Dave Hughes confirmed the
obvious rumour that he doesn't
wash his hair.

And we learnt that Lisa McCune
is finally unhinged.

Hats off again to Waka

and hats off to you, the
viewer, for joining us.

Goodnight!

The children and horny dads are
crying out for more, Lesser
Tom.

Whoo!

But that would dirty up my
image.

God has forsaken me!

Ooh!

Oh, I'd just like to say to my
kids, you can have tomorrow
off school.

Captions by Red Bee Media