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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:08,720
This programme contains some
strong language
2
00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:15,559
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!
3
00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:18,639
# She's Mrs Brown
Mm-hm
4
00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:21,599
# That's Mrs Brown
Mm-hm
5
00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:24,200
# Oh, Mrs Brown. #
6
00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:30,480
Eh...
7
00:00:32,480 --> 00:00:33,680
Hello there.
8
00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:36,560
Here, look at this.
9
00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:40,599
Bono gave Grandad this VR thing.
10
00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:45,839
Well, my God, since his life went
virtual, he's as happy as Larry.
11
00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:49,199
You'd think he'd no life before it.
12
00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:50,360
Actually, he didn't.
13
00:00:51,680 --> 00:00:52,920
Look, come on.
14
00:00:57,120 --> 00:00:59,240
Seasons greetings to you all.
15
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:02,519
I'm looking forward to Christmas.
16
00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:05,959
Oh, just picked up the Christmas
cards for today - three.
17
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:09,719
We used to get tons of them,
tons of them.
18
00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:12,399
I remember one year we got over 100.
19
00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:14,040
Hmm, not any more.
20
00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:17,520
You get a text now, if you're lucky.
21
00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:20,359
DOOR SLAMS
22
00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:22,920
Oh, now, here's the Grinch.
23
00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:26,199
What was that?
24
00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:27,759
Nothing, darling.
25
00:01:27,760 --> 00:01:29,559
Good morning, Cathy.
26
00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:32,039
Morning, Mammy.
Are you all right, love?
27
00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:33,159
No.
28
00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:35,319
Did you decide what you want
for your Christmas present?
29
00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:38,999
Yes, a washing machine with
a built-in cocktail cabinet. Oh...
30
00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:40,959
Mammy, seriously.
31
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:42,719
I hate Christmas shopping.
32
00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:44,159
Don't we all?
33
00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:45,679
Who've you to get for yet?
34
00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:47,599
Everybody.
35
00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:49,519
Hello, boys!
36
00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:51,479
AUDIENCE CHEERS
37
00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:53,200
Hello, Cathy.
38
00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:56,439
Good morning, Mother!
39
00:01:56,440 --> 00:01:59,000
Mother? All right,
how much are you looking for?
40
00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:02,559
What do you want
for Christmas, Dermot?
41
00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:04,679
I don't know.
Ah, for God's sake.
42
00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:05,960
Guess what I want.
43
00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:12,279
Get lost.
Right, I'll be back in an hour.
44
00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:14,120
CHUCKLING: No, she won't!
45
00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:19,039
Recycle?
46
00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:21,319
Ah, that's just a side hustle,
Mrs Brown.
47
00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:24,759
They give you back money for every
empty plastic bottle you bring back.
48
00:02:24,760 --> 00:02:26,519
I've two binbags full so far.
49
00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:28,759
Ah, it's a waste of feckin' time.
50
00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:31,399
I mean, they only give you what,
5p? No, cents.
51
00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:33,240
No sense, it makes no buckin' sense.
52
00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:37,759
Those two bags'll probably
get you 15 euro.
53
00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:39,279
No, Mrs Brown.
54
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:42,999
Just wait, I'm going to turn those
two bags into 250 euro.
55
00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:45,680
Sounds to me
like somebody's getting scammed.
56
00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:49,559
So, Dermot,
how much are you looking for?
57
00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:50,840
For God's sake!
58
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:53,919
Just a tenner, Ma,
I forgot me wallet.
59
00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:55,639
I knew it!
60
00:02:55,640 --> 00:02:56,879
So what's your pitch?
61
00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:58,159
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
62
00:02:58,160 --> 00:02:59,520
God bless ya.
63
00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:02,879
Whether it's waste, paste...
64
00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:04,360
Fuckin'...
65
00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:12,080
So, Dermot, what's...?
Hang on.
66
00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:16,800
Let me know when you're ready, son.
67
00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:19,600
You'll be waiting a while.
68
00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:22,440
So what's the pitch on this?
69
00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:26,279
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
70
00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:30,039
Whether it's waste, paste, plates or
grapes, old files, tiles or skates -
71
00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:32,599
face it, everything comes
to its end, so remember,
72
00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:34,559
your wheelie bin is your friend.
73
00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:37,639
Bag it, tag it
and stick it up your garden path.
74
00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:39,080
Ho-ho!
75
00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:46,039
That's very good.
76
00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:48,279
Thanks, Ma. Er, that tenner?
77
00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:50,120
Oh, yeah, wait
and I'll get me purse.
78
00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:53,280
Soup?
79
00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:57,519
Bit bland.
80
00:03:57,520 --> 00:03:58,840
Yeah, it needs more salt.
81
00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,880
Here you go, son.
Thanks, Ma.
82
00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:16,160
Grandad! No more skids!
83
00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:20,960
HE RETCHES
84
00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:27,759
Hey, Bono,
should you not be studying?
85
00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:30,719
Yeah, whatever.
You need to put the work in.
86
00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:31,999
Thanks, Sharon.
87
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,359
You'd better pass those
Christmas exams.
88
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:36,159
Don't worry about it.
89
00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:37,480
Lazy little shit.
90
00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:41,719
Not so little any more.
91
00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:44,119
Is he all right?
That's not like him.
92
00:04:44,120 --> 00:04:47,399
First Christmas since meself
and Betty split. He's a bit upset.
93
00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:48,879
AUDIENCE: Aw.
94
00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:50,680
Bono? Come here.
95
00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:53,719
Are you all right, son?
96
00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:55,559
He makes a holy show of me, Granny.
97
00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:57,279
Slagging me in front of everyone.
98
00:04:57,280 --> 00:04:58,799
He'll calm down eventually.
99
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:00,399
Well, I won't.
100
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:02,039
He called me lazy.
101
00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:04,719
Look, I've some jobs
around the house that need doing,
102
00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:06,879
there's a couple of bob
in it for you.
103
00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:09,800
I'll do it for you, Granny
but I'm not taking money off you.
104
00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:16,639
WINNIE: The apple doesn't fall
far from the tree, Agnes.
105
00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:18,439
He's so like his father.
106
00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:20,359
You said it, Winnie. Mm.
107
00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:22,319
Mark was always so stubborn.
108
00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:25,319
Oh, well, I think we know
where he got that from.
109
00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:26,639
Redser.
110
00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:28,200
No, I was going to say...
111
00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:31,000
Er...
112
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:33,560
..nothing.
113
00:05:33,561 --> 00:05:36,919
Cathy asked me
what I wanted for Christmas.
114
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,479
Oh, what did you ask for?
115
00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:40,599
I couldn't think of anything.
Oh.
116
00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:45,080
I bought Sharon a gorgeous Gwyneth
Paltrow candle for her bedroom.
117
00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:50,119
I wouldn't be into that now.
No?
118
00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:52,240
You know how she makes them smell?
No.
119
00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:54,760
She uses the smell of her...
120
00:05:57,880 --> 00:05:59,160
Her belly button?
121
00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:01,919
Lower.
122
00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:03,160
Her feet?
123
00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:05,959
No, higher.
124
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:07,240
Oh, knees.
125
00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:10,519
Higher.
126
00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:13,839
All we need now is for Bruce Forsyth
to walk in the buckin' door
127
00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:16,279
and we'll have ourselves
a game show.
128
00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:18,680
AS BRUCE: Nice to see you,
to see you, nice.
129
00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:22,239
Wait a minute!
130
00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:23,600
Not her meow-meow?
131
00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:27,440
Her buckin' what?!
132
00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:32,000
Well, that's what I call it,
me meow-meow.
133
00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:37,160
I've heard it all now.
134
00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:42,400
Well, my mammy told me
to call it me lady garden.
135
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:45,959
False advertising, Winnie.
136
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:47,520
More like an African swamp.
137
00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:51,399
Did you not give yours
a name, Agnes?
138
00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:54,639
Yes, I used to call it
St Brigid's purse.
139
00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:55,999
That's cute.
140
00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:57,719
And then I had Dermot
and I changed it to
141
00:06:57,720 --> 00:06:59,640
St Patrick's haversack.
142
00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:07,599
Three more this morning.
143
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:08,960
That's six in total.
144
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:14,039
You know, if somebody doesn't send
me a Christmas card, I wind them up.
145
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:17,560
You should see
the look of confusion on their face.
146
00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:20,959
Watch this.
147
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:22,999
How are ya, Agnes?
Hiya, Birdie.
148
00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:25,399
Do you want a cup of tea?
Oh, I'd love one.
149
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:28,760
That Christmas card you sent me
was absolutely beautiful.
150
00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:33,639
Was it? Oh, yeah.
151
00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:36,479
Honestly, it's probably
the nicest one I've ever had.
152
00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:39,199
It nearly brought me to tears.
153
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:40,639
Really?
154
00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:42,520
Ah, sure, it was nothing.
Yeah.
155
00:07:42,621 --> 00:07:45,839
What are yous two talking about?
156
00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:48,519
I was just telling Birdie how much
her Christmas card meant to me.
157
00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:50,119
Ah...
158
00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:51,320
Didn't send me one.
159
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,119
Must've got lost in the post.
160
00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:58,199
Well, if mine is anything to go by,
yours must be fabulous.
161
00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:00,239
What did you write, Birdie?
162
00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:01,599
Huh?
163
00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:03,359
Tell her. Go on,
tell her what you wrote.
164
00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:04,720
What was it again? Um...
165
00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:07,239
Dear Agnes...
166
00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:11,039
Dearest... Dearest. Dearest, yeah.
Dearest Agnes, yeah. Um...
167
00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:14,359
Happy Chri... Merry. Merry...
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
168
00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:16,759
Yeah. And...
You mad cow.
169
00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:18,159
Er, you mad cow.
170
00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:20,079
I didn't say that, did I?
No!
171
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:22,800
You never even sent me
a buckin' Christmas card at all.
172
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:27,970
I was wondering what was going on.
I thought I was losing me marbles!
173
00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:31,999
Oh, here, see that candle?
174
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,080
I had a sniff of it -
it's going back.
175
00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:38,079
You didn't like it, no?
176
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:39,279
It's not that, Birdie,
177
00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:42,320
it's just that Sharon's bedroom
already smells like that.
178
00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:52,759
DOORBELL RINGS
I'll get that.
179
00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:54,640
Bono, you be careful on that ladder.
180
00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:00,640
Oh, Father Damien, how's it hanging?
181
00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:04,279
Like the good Lord on the cross,
Mrs Brown -
182
00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:06,320
painful and a bit to the left.
Oh, ho!
183
00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:17,279
Well, thanks for dropping in.
184
00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:20,399
I-I was hoping to have a word,
Mrs Brown, in private?
185
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:22,719
Oh, OK.
186
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:24,039
Hiya, Damien.
187
00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:25,799
Aren't you supposed to be doing
confessions now?
188
00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:28,759
Oh, er... Er, I am, yeah.
This is the...
189
00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:31,519
..the new door-to-door service
I'm offering.
190
00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:34,119
So, for penance, Mrs Brown,
we'll go with three Hail Marys
191
00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:36,240
and two Our Fathers.
Bye, now!
192
00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:40,359
Wait a minute,
what did I buckin' do?!
193
00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:41,599
Hey, Bono.
194
00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:43,039
All right, Uncle Trevor?
195
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:44,879
There's tea in the pot, Trevor.
196
00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:47,239
You've a load of empty lemonade
bottles in there too, Granny.
197
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:50,039
Yeah, they're Buster's.
He's recycling.
198
00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:51,919
This is looking lovely, Bono.
199
00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:54,559
Aye, and when I'm finished I'll put
up your tree if you like.
200
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:57,119
Ah, I haven't even got
a Christmas tree yet,
201
00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:59,039
but Buster says he's on top of it.
202
00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:00,959
I'm sure Buster will
produce the goods.
203
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:03,839
Ah, well, you're the
only one that's sure.
204
00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:05,679
Thanks for doing this, Bono.
205
00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:07,879
You've made an old woman very happy.
206
00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:09,599
You're a good boy.
207
00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:11,359
Try telling that to me da.
208
00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,039
Sure, he thinks I'm
a waste of space.
209
00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:16,439
Bono, your father just wants you
to reach your potential.
210
00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:19,319
And it's normal for you two
to be arguing.
211
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:22,079
Mark was arguing with his dad
all the time.
212
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:24,319
Really? He said they never argued.
213
00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:25,680
Are you kidding me?
214
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:29,999
I remember one night his dad
called Mark lazy,
215
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,839
said that he wouldn't move
if the house was on fire.
216
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:34,999
Well, that night, the chip pan
caught fire,
217
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,999
and guess who was the first
to react?
218
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:38,320
Me da? Yes.
219
00:10:38,321 --> 00:10:41,879
Quick as a flash,
he jumped up with a damp cloth,
220
00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:44,919
put it over the pot and put
the fire out before your grandad
221
00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:47,240
even had a chance to
get his arse off the couch.
222
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:52,079
And do you know what Redser said to
your father? "Thanks," I hope.
223
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:53,520
"It took you long enough."
224
00:10:57,160 --> 00:11:02,040
Bono, your father argues with you
because he cares.
225
00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:05,280
He just wants the best for you.
226
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:08,199
Now, come on, no slacking.
227
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:10,080
Get up that ladder,
you lazy bastard.
228
00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:15,719
I'm getting no response
out of Grandad.
229
00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:17,600
Well, maybe he's in a better place.
230
00:11:17,751 --> 00:11:22,039
Grandad could be seriously ill,
Mrs Brown.
231
00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:23,280
Does he look sick to you?
232
00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:29,440
Now that you mention it, no.
233
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:36,319
His arthritis has improved.
234
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:39,039
Well, I can tell you now,
since his life has gone virtual,
235
00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:41,319
my life is a doddle.
236
00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:42,560
Remarkable.
237
00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:45,280
I'd love to try it.
238
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:50,079
Here, Doctor, knock yourself out.
Ooh!
239
00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:52,159
See you, Granny and...
240
00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:53,559
..thanks.
241
00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:54,610
See you, Bono, love.
242
00:11:55,880 --> 00:11:57,879
TREVOR: Two more. Oh.
243
00:11:57,880 --> 00:11:59,399
Ah...
244
00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:00,919
..that one's from Winnie McGoogan.
245
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:02,119
Oh, how do you know?
246
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:05,519
It says on the back of it,
"From Winnie McGoogan."
247
00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:06,919
Are you not going to open it?
248
00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:09,719
No, no. Winnie sends the
same card every year.
249
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:11,479
I'll put up last year's.
250
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,679
Father Damien's been acting
very strange lately, Mammy.
251
00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:17,999
I know. What's this door-to-door
confessions? What's next?
252
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,359
Drive thru communion?
253
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:21,640
SHE CHOMPS
254
00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:25,959
He's been on the phone a lot
lately to the bishop.
255
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:27,719
I think he's moving parish.
256
00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:29,399
Well, if he IS changing parish,
257
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:33,119
there's one person that I know
will definitely know about it.
258
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,359
Who's that?
259
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:35,410
Hillary Nicholson.
260
00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:38,239
You should go up and ask her.
261
00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:39,680
I will.
262
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:42,479
Do you think she WILL know?
263
00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:44,080
Oh, she'll definitely know.
264
00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:47,240
That bitch'd hear the grass growing.
265
00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:55,440
Oh, no!
266
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:02,000
Very nice! Ha-ha-ha! Lovely!
267
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,400
Welcome to
Slippy Mickey's Strip Club.
268
00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:19,439
Mammy, I've just had a big epiphany.
269
00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:20,560
Oh.
270
00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:23,760
All right, I'll get the plunger.
271
00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:27,399
No, Mammy! I've had an idea.
272
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:29,039
Oh, go on.
273
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:31,239
Look, every year
we all get stressed out,
274
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:33,199
trying to think of what
to buy each other.
275
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,439
I don't.
Yes, you do.
276
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:37,519
The last time I got stressed out
was because
277
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:39,080
you bought me a goat in Kenya.
278
00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:42,760
I don't even know what bus
to get to Kenya.
279
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:46,999
Mammy, we're going to have
a family meeting. Why?
280
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,399
Because I said so.
281
00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:51,839
Tonight, here, eight o'clock.
282
00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:54,040
I'll let everybody know.
Huh.
283
00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:57,600
This is not going to end well.
284
00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:02,280
Where's me buckin'...?
Oh, here it is.
285
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:07,760
DOGS BARK, OWL HOOTS
286
00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:23,000
Psst!
287
00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:31,160
Psst!
288
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:34,079
Father Damien!
289
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:35,680
Were you pissing on my daisies?
290
00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:38,800
God, no! Well, not now.
291
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:41,439
What's going on?
292
00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:43,239
I've been trying to avoid Trevor.
293
00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:45,359
I can see that, but why?
294
00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:48,919
Every Christmas, the bishop picks
someone to win Priest of the Year.
295
00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:50,519
I nominated Trevor and I've been
296
00:14:50,520 --> 00:14:52,759
trying to keep it quiet
until the result's announced.
297
00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:54,919
Oh, you know what,
Trevor's lucky to have you.
298
00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:57,919
We're all lucky to have you.
Oh, well...thank you.
299
00:14:57,920 --> 00:14:59,479
So, what's the result? Who won?
300
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,400
Well, God only knows. Oh.
301
00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:04,559
Damien, is that you?
302
00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:05,920
Er...er... No!
303
00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:14,079
Who was that? Er, just somebody
looking for directions.
304
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,359
In our back yard? I know!
305
00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:19,430
I said, "They're varicose veins,
not buckin' Google Maps!"
306
00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:26,759
Oh good. We're all here.
307
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:27,919
Did we have a choice?
308
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:30,999
Now, Mark, Cathy's put
a lot of effort into this.
309
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:33,559
Let's give it a chance.
Thanks, Mammy.
310
00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:35,319
It's not going to be all night,
love, is it?
311
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:36,679
Mammy!
312
00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:38,279
Do we seriously have to do this,
Mammy?
313
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:39,759
I don't even want to be here.
314
00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:41,519
Please, Dermot!
315
00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:43,479
Will you all just give it a chance?
316
00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:46,199
And if you're not happy
at the end of it,
317
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:47,879
you can talk to the
ringmaster there.
318
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:50,479
SHE IMITATES WHIPPING
319
00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:53,560
# Whip-crack-away, whip-crack-away,
whip-crack-away! #
320
00:15:57,160 --> 00:16:01,359
Look, every year we buy each other
presents for Christmas,
321
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:04,519
and more often than not,
someone's not happy.
322
00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:05,800
Usually you.
323
00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:08,599
Sorry.
324
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:10,199
And it ends in a row!
325
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:13,360
I just think it would be fun
to try something different.
326
00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:15,879
Mammy out.
327
00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:18,359
Oh, well, maybe we
could just have a big punch up
328
00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:20,399
if you think that'd be more
productive.
329
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:21,919
That's a great idea.
330
00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:24,319
OK, everybody - start knocking
the shit out of each other
331
00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:26,959
and we can move on with our lives.
332
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:29,359
This is how it will work.
333
00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:33,079
Every time one of us voices
their thoughts, we'll all say,
334
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:36,200
"We listen but we don't judge."
335
00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:38,960
She has fuckin' worms.
336
00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:43,559
Come on, let's try that.
Everybody, Mammy, "We..."
337
00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:47,079
ALL: We listen but we don't judge.
338
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:49,599
OK. Is everybody happy to proceed?
339
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:51,560
SCOTTISH ACCENT: Gladiators, ready!
340
00:16:53,011 --> 00:16:56,719
Mark, would you like
to start us off?
341
00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:57,770
Nope.
342
00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:02,799
MOCKINGLY: We listen
but we don't judge.
343
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:05,360
Would somebody get us started,
please?
344
00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:10,479
I don't want any more
novelty neckties.
345
00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:12,439
Thank you, Dermot.
Everybody?
346
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:16,199
ALL: We listen but we don't judge.
347
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:18,719
How can you have a problem
with novelty ties?
348
00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:20,120
Mark's judging me.
349
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:22,879
I'm asking a question.
350
00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:25,959
Dermot is allowed to say
how he feels, Mark.
351
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:27,919
I bought him those ties.
352
00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:30,439
They're funny.
Oh, yeah, hilarious, Mark.
353
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:32,999
Especially the one
with the big fish.
354
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:34,559
But you like fish.
355
00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:37,239
To eat! Not to wear.
356
00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:42,239
OK, then - this Christmas I don't
want any more stupid cheap tools.
357
00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:43,679
Now you're just being childish.
358
00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:45,839
Ah, ah, ah, Dermot.
359
00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:47,719
We listen...
360
00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:49,839
ALL: ..but we don't judge.
361
00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:52,999
This is good, we're making progress.
362
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:54,519
Trevor, what about you?
363
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:56,239
I'm fine, Cathy. Yeah.
364
00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:59,239
Easily pleased, always was,
even as a child.
365
00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:02,000
Pity your sister didn't
inherit some of that.
366
00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:04,520
Ma!
367
00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:07,640
Oh...
368
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:11,919
Just ignore Grandad,
369
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:13,800
and just thank God
he has trousers on.
370
00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:17,559
I know what I'd like -
371
00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:19,920
I'd like you to stop
asking buckin' questions.
372
00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:23,199
All in favour, say aye.
373
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:24,759
ALL: Aye.
374
00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:27,599
Aye!
I am trying to help us.
375
00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:30,000
And you are failing miserably.
376
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,719
OK, I'll go.
377
00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:34,759
Oh, now, here we go.
378
00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:37,159
Now, no matter what she says,
remember,
379
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:39,759
she's only trying to provoke
a reaction.
380
00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:42,839
I don't want anybody to buy me
any cheap, knock-off perfume.
381
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:44,600
You cheeky bitch!
382
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,799
We listen...
No, that was a dig at me.
383
00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:50,999
ALL: ..but we don't judge.
384
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,480
That sounded like a dig at me.
385
00:18:52,481 --> 00:18:56,759
Would you like to share with
the group what presents you'd like?
386
00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:58,799
I'm easy.
Yeah, right!
387
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:01,599
You get all pissy
if you don't get what you wanted.
388
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:04,799
Only because I keep leaving clues
and nobody picks up on them.
389
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,919
Like what?!
Name one clue you've ever given us.
390
00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:11,359
Two years ago I changed
the password on the Wi-Fi
391
00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:13,520
because I wanted a vacuum cleaner.
392
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:17,120
The password is Tyson.
393
00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:20,719
It was a typo.
394
00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:22,719
I was wondering why
I got two tickets
395
00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:24,400
to that feckin' boxing match.
396
00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:30,800
Mammy, please, will you just tell us
what you want?
397
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:33,720
Mammy!
I'm thinking!
398
00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:37,370
What's your budget?
Ah, for God's sake!
399
00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:42,159
What if we didn't buy
presents this year? What?!
400
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:45,479
It's Christmas, Bono.
Should we cancel the turkey too?
401
00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:47,479
Hang on now,
have the rules changed?
402
00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:50,599
I thought everyone was allowed
their opinion.
403
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:52,039
Go ahead, son.
404
00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:53,879
Well, not if it's stupid.
405
00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:56,279
Bono is not stupid.
406
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:57,359
Thanks, Da.
407
00:19:57,360 --> 00:20:00,080
Careful, Cathy - Mark might get
angry and buy you a tie.
408
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:04,439
I've had enough of this crap, Ma.
409
00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:05,959
I have a business to run.
410
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,839
We all have lives, Mark!
Even you?
411
00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:12,199
Don't you dare come in here
with your high and mighty attitude!
412
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:13,719
Would you listen to yourself?
413
00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:15,919
No, you listen to YOURSELF!
414
00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:20,479
All I want for Christmas is a family
Christmas with no fights.
415
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:21,880
Is that too much to ask?
416
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:26,999
We listen...
417
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,760
ALL: ..but we don't judge.
MRS BROWN: ..buckin' judge.
418
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:34,439
I don't care what present I get,
419
00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:39,039
as long as it has a monetary value
over 150 euro,
420
00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:40,680
and has a gift receipt.
421
00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:44,959
What about a gift we can all share?
422
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:48,840
Explain this sharing thing to me,
Bono, son of Marcus.
423
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:53,919
Well, I thought we could get
a family photograph taken.
424
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:57,679
Bono, I love you son, but seriously?
425
00:20:57,680 --> 00:20:59,520
One with all of us together.
426
00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:04,280
I love you too, Bono,
but that's a stupid idea.
427
00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:08,639
Finally, we can all
agree on SOMETHING.
428
00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:11,199
What's wrong with that?
Trevor, look around the house,
429
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:13,879
for God's sake.
There's portraits every...
430
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:15,320
Look at th...
431
00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:21,360
Well, no, look at that
over there, the...
432
00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:24,799
There's none.
433
00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:28,279
Bono's right. We haven't taken
a family picture in decades.
434
00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:30,839
I think it'd be really nice
to have a family photo taken,
435
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:33,239
one with all the family,
up on the wall.
436
00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:35,480
Do you know, Bono,
you're absolutely right.
437
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:38,519
Cathy, I think we're done here.
438
00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:41,079
Yep, and with not too much argument.
439
00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:42,440
That's a first.
440
00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:46,319
Can Buster be in the picture,
too, Ma? Yeah, of course.
441
00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:49,559
He's not family. How dare you!
That's not what he meant, Dermot,
442
00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:51,439
and you know it.
Stay out of it.
443
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,359
Don't you point your finger at me!
444
00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:57,560
ALL ARGUE
445
00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:01,679
Quiet!
..you don't even live.
446
00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:03,719
We listen!
447
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:06,080
And we don't buckin' judge!
448
00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:11,160
Now somebody help me
get Grandad into bed.
449
00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:14,399
Grandad!
450
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:16,560
HE CRIES OUT
451
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:24,159
# And they all...
452
00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:27,560
# ..died in the end. #
453
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:31,439
That was brilliant, son!
454
00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:34,439
You've got the voice of an angel!
455
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:36,480
A buckin' Hell's Angel.
456
00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:41,319
And that there is what false praise
does to a child.
457
00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:43,959
And he writes
all his own stuff, Agnes.
458
00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:45,560
With a crayon, is it?
459
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:50,639
Play another one, son. Oh, will you
shut up? Me ears are ringing.
460
00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:54,079
Must be proud, Mrs Brown,
second-best priest in all of Dublin.
461
00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:56,879
Remarkable achievement.
I am proud, but I wasn't waiting
462
00:22:56,880 --> 00:23:00,120
on you to win that to be proud of
you, son. Ah, thanks, Mammy.
463
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:03,399
THEY CHEER
464
00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:06,079
Mind you, if you're not first,
465
00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:07,759
you may as well be last.
466
00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:09,679
Loser, loser!
467
00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:11,359
Agnes!
468
00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:14,440
Well, I don't want him ending up
like Suzi Quatro there.
469
00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:18,040
Father Damien?
470
00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:22,640
You knew he was second
all along, didn't you?
471
00:23:23,640 --> 00:23:26,119
Because you knew who won.
472
00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:28,519
YOU did.
473
00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:31,359
Mrs Brown, don't spoil the moment.
474
00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:33,319
I won't. But you make sure
475
00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:36,439
and be around in our house tomorrow
for the family photograph.
476
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:38,080
I will.
477
00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:43,999
So? Where's this Enzo?
478
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:45,439
Here he is!
479
00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:48,479
Enzo, this is
Agnes's daughter, Cathy.
480
00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:50,119
Hello.
481
00:23:50,120 --> 00:23:52,600
Ah! The desperate one.
482
00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:56,999
Not that desperate.
483
00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:59,200
Mammy, I will see you at home.
484
00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:06,439
Excited about getting the family
photograph done, Agnes? Yeah.
485
00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:09,199
The two of yous now will be there.
Well, we're not family.
486
00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:11,400
You speak for yourself, Birdie.
487
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:15,079
Birdie, of course you're family.
488
00:24:15,080 --> 00:24:18,079
This one's about a donkey
that lost his way in life.
489
00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:19,839
If you know the words, sing along.
490
00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:22,239
Here, mullet head.
491
00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:25,519
If you touch that banjo again,
I will cover it in butter
492
00:24:25,520 --> 00:24:26,879
and shove it up your...
493
00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:29,759
Happy Christmas, everybody!
Oh, happy Christmas.
494
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:33,079
Happy Christmas, son.
Enzo, this is Agnes's son Dermot.
495
00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:35,759
How are ya? Where's your
friend Buster? Well, he's not...
496
00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:39,440
..he's not his friend Buster. Buster
is his brother from another mother.
497
00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:44,040
Where is Buster? Putting up
your tree, Ma. Oh, good man.
498
00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:47,519
Did you get me card, Agnes?
499
00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:51,959
Oh, yes, Winnie, thanks very much.
I bet you got a surprise.
500
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:57,200
Surprise? Yeah, with the voucher
inside the card for 50 euro.
501
00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:03,040
Right, I'll see yous tomorrow
for the photograph, OK?
502
00:25:18,880 --> 00:25:20,360
Ah!
503
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:23,840
Ooh...
504
00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:28,560
I'm sorry, but 50 euro is 50 euro.
505
00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:33,079
All done, Mrs Brown.
Remember you told Buster he'd only
506
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:36,239
make 15 euro with all those
empty bottles? Yeah. Why?
507
00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:38,240
Take a look at your Christmas tree.
508
00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:43,520
Oh, my God, it's beautiful!
509
00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:51,719
Yes, it is.
510
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:53,400
APPLAUSE
511
00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:56,120
250 euro.
512
00:25:57,960 --> 00:25:59,759
Told ya.
513
00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:02,760
I'm going back to get the family.
They all need to see this.
514
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:05,679
Don't slam the door!
515
00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:07,480
DOOR SLAMS
516
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:30,959
You know, Christmas-time
is tough for some people -
517
00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:34,760
buying all the presents
and making the big meals...
518
00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:38,719
Aww! You look lovely, Mammy.
519
00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:41,679
Aww, I do, dough, don't I, dough?
520
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:45,639
Here, this was dropped in for you.
Oh... Now come on, it's photo time.
521
00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:47,920
Yeah, I'll come in after you. Go on.
522
00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:55,920
Y'see, it's worth remembering
that Christmas is a tradition.
523
00:26:57,280 --> 00:27:01,720
And like all traditions, they only
die or fade if we allow them to.
524
00:27:02,760 --> 00:27:07,599
So I've decided, I don't care
how many cards I get or don't get.
525
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:09,079
SHE CHUCKLES
526
00:27:09,080 --> 00:27:10,760
I'm still sending mine.
527
00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:14,959
Oh, look at this now,
and listen to this.
528
00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:16,800
"Dearest Agnes.
529
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:21,159
"Merry Christmas.
530
00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:22,440
"Meow meow."
531
00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:26,639
SHE LAUGHS
532
00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:30,040
Are you coming, Mammy?
I'm coming, for God's sake.
533
00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:36,960
What the fu...
534
00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:41,080
Hands up, everybody who's family.
535
00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:46,119
Good answer!
536
00:27:46,120 --> 00:27:48,040
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
537
00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:53,999
OK. Come on.
538
00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:55,599
Say cheese!
539
00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:57,840
ALL: Cheese!
540
00:27:59,600 --> 00:28:01,399
Goodnight!
541
00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:04,040
ALL: Happy feckin' Christmas!
542
00:28:05,640 --> 00:28:10,079
# We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
543
00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:14,759
# We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy new year
544
00:28:14,760 --> 00:28:19,559
# Good tidings we bring
to you and your kin
545
00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:24,479
# We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy new year
546
00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:29,759
# We...wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
547
00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:32,719
# We wish you a merry Christmas
548
00:28:32,720 --> 00:28:38,519
# And a happy new year! #
549
00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:41,039
CHEERING
550
00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:44,080
Goodnight! Merry Christmas!
551
00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:48,040
Merry Christmas!
552
00:28:52,560 --> 00:28:54,160
SHE CACKLES
553
00:28:54,210 --> 00:28:58,760
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