Original subtitles

� �

[Linda] � Goin' to Kingshead Island �

� 'Cause we won a fancy award �

-Hey, hey! -� Goin' to Kingshead Island �

-� 'Cause we won a fancy award � -That's right.

� Goin' to where the rich people are �

� Gonna see if they're really better than us �

� And they might be, but we still won an award. �

-Whoo. -Yeah.

You guys are fun on ferries.

Yeah, people are loving this energy.

Even though they're avoiding eye contact.

And that one guy's shaking his head.

-Hi. -I still can't believe it.

Kingshead Lifestyles Magazine

naming us "Best Dive on the Mainland?"

Isn't "dive" a bad thing?

Yeah, but they mean it affectionately.

Like if I say, "Dad, you big old stinky dive, I love ya."

Sort of. I mean, it's pretty prestigious.

And it's great exposure for the restaurant.

But, Dad, I don't get it.

Didn't you say these awards were stupid?

When did I say that?

These awards are stupid.

Who even judges this?

The Supreme Food Court? Stupid!

These stupid things are all about who you know.

Yeah, and you're a cool rebel with no friends.

Exactly, Gene.

It's funny, I don't feel those things at all

now that we've won.

Plus, it means we get to go to this winner's reception

in a fancy sculpture garden event space,

and we're gonna serve our sliders

and get even more exposure.

Dad's gonna expose himself all over that sculpture garden.

[chuckles] Gene, you rascal.

Check out jolly Bob. He's so cute.

Yeah, like a happy, hairy, slobbery puppy.

Thank you. And we're gonna get a trophy.

There's a trophy, too?

Yup. I didn't really know how much I needed a trophy,

but maybe it's all I wanted in life?

It's sort of a weird orb kind of thing.

Weird but cool.

[groans]

Speaking of weird orbs,

Mom, what's going on under your shirt there?

[groans] This bra.

It was the only clean one I had left,

but it digs into my back.

Been there, sister. Boobs, huh?

-Boobs. -Amen.

I'm gonna tough it out for the reception.

That's what we do, right? Us boob people?

May I never, ever be cursed with those things.

That's how I felt, Louise, but then I got 'em

and it's not so bad.

[Bob] Hi.

Care for a slider? Schwing!

Sorry, not sure why I said "schwing"

w-when I gave it to you.

Uh, bye. Have fun out there.

I think this might be a good time to ask about the fudge.

-Agreed. -Let's fudgin' do this.

Um, Mother? Father? Remember the fudge shop

we passed coming over here?

-Tell It to the Fudge? -Yeah?

Well, we were thinking, maybe after this is all over,

-we could- -Go to the fudge shop? Sure.

Really? That was easy.

Yeah, we should ask for more stuff.

We want hair extensions. Lots of 'em. All over.

Whoa. Hey, Bob, look who it is.

[Louise] Oh, my God. Is that Vincent?

"Might be a jewel thief" Vincent?

[Gene] Everyone, protect your family jewels.

[Bob] Kids, shush.

Hey, Vincent.

Bob. Linda. Kids.

-Hi. -Hey. -Vinny!

I saw you made the Best Bites list this year.

Well deserved.

I know. I mean, um, thank you.

So, what brings you here, Vincent?

Eh, I'm taking it in,

looking for inspiration for my restaurant.

And eating a lot. Mostly eating a lot.

My man.

Is that all that's on the agenda today? Hmm?

Uh... yeah?

Just saying.

Any cool things here

that somehow end up not-here

after this is all over? Wink, wink.

Not sure what you mean.

Besides, there's nothing on the property

worth more than a couple grand,

as anyone who's looked at the pictures

on their website would know.

[scoffs] Yeah,

a couple grand's not worth it.

[groaning]

You all right?

Uh, yeah, just stretching.

This is a restaurant stretch.

You'll learn it. And...

restaurant.

Okay. May I?

Uh, of course.

Mm.

I have missed your meat, Bob.

I have missed your meat.

-That's nice, Vincent. -Aw.

All right. Mm.

I'm gonna eat my way around the lawn.

Sure you are.

[Vincent] I mean, I am.

Whatever you say.

Look at that guy,

wandering around, eating fun stuff.

Must be nice. But we have to work,

'cause we're children and that's what children do.

You know what? Go ahead, kids.

Your mom and I can cover the table. Right, Lin?

Y-yeah, sure.

Wow. We need to give this guy awards more often.

We can brainstorm some.

-World's loudest urinator? -[Bob] Mm.

-I'll keep thinking. -Nope, that works.

Huh. "MisCaken Identity."

-This is a cake shop? -Uh-huh.

So, what's with the food that's not cake?

It's all cake.

Doesn't look like cake, but it is cake.

That's fun... I think.

As long as it tastes like cake.

It sort of does.

It's like if icing were chewy

and not as good as icing.

That's the fondant. It's like a clay you can eat.

All clay is clay you can eat, pal.

[grunting]

Ugh, I've had it with this thing.

That's it. I'm doing it. I'm gonna do it, Bob.

Um, do what?

I'm taking off my bra.

Oh. I... Okay.

-Come on, cover me, cover me. -Wait, how do I-

-Uh... - I know this is a fancy place,

and I should secure the girls, but I can't work like this.

And it's done.

Much better. How does it look?

Is it obvious?

The shirt's pretty thick.

Maybe it'll be okay, right?

Come on, Bob, look at my boobs.

-Bob Belcher? -[shouts]

Um, is this "The Best Dive On The Mainland?"

Yes it is. Best D on the M.

Probably shouldn't have said that.

I'm Sabrina, I'm here to escort you

to the winner's circle for your photo.

Oh. Okay, great.

Follow me, please.

Coming, coming.

Smooth walking.

No parts a-jiggling.

-What's that? -Nothing.

So, you work for the magazine? What do you do?

I'm Margot's assistant.

-Margot? -Polo. Ha! Sorry.

Margot Bushmiller, she's the magazine's publisher.

[Margot] Sabrina!

Did you fix the trophy table? It's wobbly.

I'll fix it.

Sorry about the ground outside

and how it's not flat. That's my bad.

Get it together, Sabrina.

Yup. Anyway, here you go.

Wow. Cool.

Whoa. Oh, God. Sorry. It's heavy.

Ooh, can I hold it?

Okay, Lin. Just be super careful.

Okay, I will- Whoa!

I'm sure lots of people drop it like we just did.

Not... No.

-Oh. -Ah.

They're doing great.

Well, they've dropped all of us

and we turned out all right,

-except for Tina. -What?

Okay, do we have a firm grip on it?

-Yes. -Yes.

And look at Darren.

Ma'am, could you turn towards us?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

-Lin, what are you doing? -Shush-shush-shush-shush. Boobs.

Okay, that's- [sighs] What- Just do it.

Okay, yay. Congratulations, you did it.

-That's it? -That's it.

Oh, okay. Uh, thanks.

Uh-uh-uh.

I need the trophy back.

Oh. Don't... don't I get to keep it?

Yours will arrive in the mail in eight to ten weeks,

after you pay the $200 manufacturing and engraving fee.

All the info is on the website.

The two hundred dol- I just-

I thought it was an award.

It is. It's an incredible honor

for you to be awarded this award,

but awards are expensive.

Right, but, I... won it?

Yeah, you won the opportunity to pay for it.

[Margot] Sabrina, there's too much grass over here.

My fault.

Coming, Margot.

[Louise] Well, looks like Mom

finally let the dogs off the leash.

Wha? Shush.

[Bob sighs]

[Tina] You okay, big fella?

They want us to pay $200 for the trophy.

Do they know our family is not good at paying for things?

Yeah, money doesn't come naturally to us.

I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna pay for an award.

We closed the restaurant to do this.

We have to pay for all this food that we're giving away.

I-I... I'm not doing it.

I just want to finish the job and go home.

And in between those two things,

we get some fudge for our fudge-holes?

[sighs] I don't know. We'll see.

"We'll see," as in "Heck, yeah"?

Guys, enough about the fudge right now.

Go. I love you, but scram.

Poor Dad. Maybe we could

help him raise the money somehow?

I have been meaning to sell my life rights to Oprah.

Hmm. Or...

we just take the trophy.

-What? -Mm?

Well, Dad won it. It's his.

But stealing's wrong.

Here we go.

And what if we get caught? I mean, look,

the trophy's right out in the open.

And there are rich people everywhere,

and I'm pretty sure they have special powers.

Like unearned confidence.

Plus the trophy is, like, their display trophy.

The magazine people are gonna notice

if it's not displayed.

Tina, Tina, Tina. We're not gonna get caught

'cause we're gonna have help from a professional.

Who?

Vincent?

[Louise] Mr. Sticky Fingers himself.

Especially after that corn.

Jeez, is he mad at it?

What did that corn ever do to him?

So, we go over to the jewel thief...

Alleged jewel thief.

...wait for him to swallow his mini quiche...

Alleged mini quiche.

...say, "Hey, we're stealing a thing. Want in?"

Then we all hop the bus to Heistville.

Can I pull the cord when it's our stop?

-I enjoy that. -But what if we get caught

and we go to rich people island jail?

Actually, that sounds pretty nice.

But what if it isn't?

Tina, this is about justice.

Justice, Dad and fudge.

Put it all together, you get Sweet Daddy Fudge-stice.

I just got chills. I'm in.

Okay, fine. I like justice and fudge.

-And Dad, he's cool. -He's a total DILF.

A "Dad I'd Like to buy me Fudge."

Vincent.

Hello.

Please, don't stop eating. Just listen.

-Okay. -We're in the market for someone

with your, um, expertise.

Mm. What expertise would you be referring to?

You know what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about your "special skills."

Skills? Are you talking about Catan?

I'm pretty good at Catan.

[chuckles] Okay, nobody's good at Catan.

No, no, no, there's skill involved.

-No, it's the roll of the dice. -There's-there's-

No, there's strategy there.

No, you can strategize and then

the dice is just landing on eight

all the time or whatnot.

Delineation of wheat, resources...

[sighs] Just whatever you want to tell yourself.

Here's the thing.

As a restaurant owner,

you will probably be quite disturbed

to learn that they are making everyone pay

for their trophies. This is a racket.

-What are they charging? -Two hundo.

She means two Hondas.

Now that you mention it, I paid for the VIP ticket,

which I was led to believe included access

to the wine patio and a fun pin.

Fun pin? Go on.

But then I get here, and they tell me

I have to pay an additional $40

for access to the wine patio,

and also they're all out of the fun pins.

-Disgusting. -Damn, that's cold.

Yeah. Wow. Sounds like you're on board

to take down these rude foodies.

Here's our thinking:

We "liberate" that display trophy.

Mm, that one right there?

The one visible to pretty much everyone at the party?

-Yes. -Sorry, kids.

Even if I ever did do that kind of thing, which I didn't,

I don't do it now even more than I didn't do it then.

So my advice: Don't steal.

Just eat the food and stay in school.

Can we do the drugs?

Nope. Bye.

Well, the good news is, now we're not gonna steal anything,

so that's a relief to all of us.

You know what? We don't need Vincent.

We can swipe that trophy ourselves.

-Crap. -Look at him tear apart

that chicken satay. I think he just ate the stick.

Can't believe we lugged all the stuff here.

So stupid. I hate this. I hate all these people.

Oh. Except you, sir.

-Uh, enjoy. -Bobby, come on.

This can still be good for us.

We can still get the word out about the restaurant.

Oh, here's some words: Scam, rip-off, idiot... heads.

Okay, well I'm not saying your face is scaring everyone away,

but all of the sudden, we're getting fewer people

coming over here. So, I'm gonna go

pass out sliders. Wish us luck.

-Us? -Me and my uptown girls.

Well, now they're more midtown.

Definitely not downtown. Not yet.

We all pretend that this award is such a big deal.

Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

[scoffs] Give me a break.

[cake man] What's that?

-What? -Are you talking to me?

I mean, I was talking to my wife,

-but I guess she left. -Okay.

But, yeah, these people here are unbelievable, right?

Uh... uh-huh.

I mean, we're out here making burgers and,

uh, what is that? Sushi?

Actually, it's cake.

Oh. That's-that's cool. I guess.

-Thanks. -I mean, I'm not sure

why you would do that, but anyway,

this whole thing is total BS.

Those are burg- Those are burgers?

-Yeah. -Oh.

I make food that looks like the food it is.

Uh-huh.

[Louise] Okay. Sure, it's out in the open,

but no one's paying attention.

Like when Ken plays his theremin on the subway.

Okay, let's move.

Oh, damn it. [groans]

We can deal with this.

Tina, you and I will create a diversion.

Gene, when the assistant turns to look,

you just grab the trophy.

Why do I have to be the grabber?

Because the diversion needs to be good.

I can do a good diversion.

I'll quote lines from Severance,

but I'll get them a little bit wrong.

It'll be maddening.

Gene, no. Let me and Tina do the diversion.

-You grab. -Fine.

[Louise shouts] Oh, no!

Everyone, look in this direction.

Any event organizers around?

My sister is allergic to soft cheeses!

These sun-dried tomato and brie puffs

are gonna kill her!

Uh, oh. [groaning dramatically]

Uh...

[Tina shouts] Damn these soft cheeses!

Why do they have to be so soft, huh? [yells]

-What are you doing? -Uh...

-Uh-oh. -[Sabrina] What's going on?

What are you kids up to?

Uh...

Did I say allergic to soft cheese?

I meant soft tacos. Okay, she's fine. Bye.

Run away, run away, run, run, run!

[panicked panting]

I've got my eyes on you punks.

[Gene] We're not punks, we're cuties!

Hi. Hello. Care for a Bob's Burgers slider?

[thinking] Oh, God. Can they all tell?

-[woman] Those melons. -[gasps]

[Linda] Oh, phew.

[man] Guess it's cold, huh?

[Linda gasps] Gazpacho. It's just

gazpacho.

[older woman] One's definitely smaller than the other.

Oh! Dumplings. It's just dumplings.

But one is, you know.

I'm looking at you, lefty.

Well, I think we learned a lot today.

About ourselves, about each other.

I learned I'm allergic to soft tacos.

But I'm a survivor.

-[Vincent] How'd it go? -I mean...

I'm just asking to be polite. I saw the whole thing.

Just out of curiosity,

what was your plan once you took the trophy?

Grab your whole family and run away?

Maybe. Could've worked.

Louise, Mom's in no condition to run.

It would be a bloodbath.

It's fine. We'll just try a different plan.

I mean, the game has changed.

Now you're on that lady's radar.

You just made this ten times harder.

-Right. -And ten times more interesting.

Interesting... like you're in?

No, I'm just saying,

it's a more complex job now,

and it engages the imagination.

So it probably makes you have a lot of thoughts

and ideas you want to share?

What? No. No. Not at all.

But here's how I see it.

Wide field, almost no cover.

Tight ticker once you pop the top.

And you poked the bear.

That mama bear is awake.

I... know all those words.

-Don't worry about the words. -Oh, thank God.

What's important is the concepts.

-Oh, crap. -You know,

there's a type of a job

that I... read about in a book

that kind of fits this situation.

To make it work, you need a "Rusty Hook,"

a "Mechanic," and an "Act of God."

You want to hear about this, uh,

thing that I read about once in a book?

Can we listen at one and a half speed?

Gene, shush. Vincent, lay it on us.

It's just all one big money grab.

It's just so cynical, you know?

And isn't the world cynical enough already?

Uh, yeah. Yeah.

-Sorry about him. -Hi.

We're gonna need a few of these.

Each. We just love how much they don't look like cake.

Or taste like cake.

And we're not mad at you about that.

-Okay. -Hi, Dad.

-Still grumpy? -He is. Very.

Well, you won't be. Soon.

Because of us.

That's... not usually how it works for me.

This time it might.

Huh, no one seems to be noticing.

All these hoity-toities with their fancy food and wine

and none of 'em have any idea where their samples came from:

A woman with no bra.

Couple of wild things riding without a seat belt,

right next to their food. [chuckles]

Slider, ma'am?

That poor clueless sap.

This is it, Linda.

This is what power feels like.

Okay, we're gonna peel this fondant crap off,

and we're gonna mush it. Mush it real good.

More cushion for the mushin'.

Oh, were we supposed to be mushin'?

I was mashin', my bad.

Of course it's like this. What was I expecting?

[scoffs] And you know what the worst part is?

Uh, what?

How much I needed this.

What-what's wrong with me

that makes me need this so much, you know?

-Uh-huh. -Why can't the food

just be enough? Why... why can't I just be enough?

Oh, are you trying to move your booth?

What? Uh, no. No, we're just...

we're getting a little sun over here.

Oh, 'cause... there's no sun.

I'll see you later.

[groans] Those kids.

Okay, up next is the advertisers' picture

with Margot. Heads up, one of the ad guys

has a pretty asymmetrical eyebrow situation.

It's like one of them took all the nutrients in the womb.

Let's just do what we can with that.

[shouts]

Hey! Put that back!

-[panicked panting] -[screaming]

[Gene shouts]

Give me that trophy!

I will destroy you!

Why are you being so weird about this?

[Gene screaming]

You are the worst child in the history of

Kingshead Lifestyles Best Bites of the Bay

Annual Bayside Bite-abration.

-Take that back! -No!

Okay, fine, I get it!

You just messed with the wrong magazine publisher's

junior assistant, chump.

Who are your parents? Wait.

Are your parents important?

They're not not not important.

What? Who are they?

Have you heard of Weezer?

-Yes. -I'm Augustus Weezer the third!

[Margot] Sabrina!

Hi. Yes.

I'm here with the advertisers for the advertisers' photo,

so that's all going great.

But there's just one thing. Where's the frickin' trophy?

I've got it, I'm coming.

I'll deal with you later, Augustus.

Okay, let's circle back.

And there's our trophy.

Don't know why it was gone,

not gonna deal with that right now.

Right now is about advertisements

and how important they are to the world.

[Sabrina] That's right, stay over there.

I wish I could beat up kids. I mean, I could.

Okay. Th-Thanks, folks.

And a special thanks to all your money.

Sabrina?

� �

-[yells] -[in slow motion] The trophy!

No!

[laughs]

[sighs]

God, I wish I could fire you.

But you are my daughter.

Well, looks like the trophy fell into the sea.

Yeah,

what a terrible accident.

You should be very proud of yourselves.

But maybe keep that tucked away

till you make the dip, right?

-Right, right. -You were a great "Rusty Hook."

You had to look like a thief

who's bad at his job, and you did.

You need "bad at his job,"

you come to Gene.

That was smart, to make the assistant lady

think she caught us doing the thing while we were

getting in position to actually do the thing.

Yeah, good job, "Mechanic,"

getting into place.

Thank you. I am small.

Then there was that super cool girl

who used her sister's ears

to make it seem like we were all

behind the sculpture when we weren't.

That worked very well.

What's my job called in cool thief talk?

-Uh... the "Hat Master"? -The "Hat Master"?

-Yeah. "Master of Hats"? -Noice.

[Louise] The decoy trophy made of cake stuff?

-That was pretty good. -[Vincent] That was handy.

[Gene] I'm fond of fondant now. [chuckles]

And also, the "Act of God" was really an act of this God

because I had to

do the switch

and wobble the table just so.

But uh, yeah, sure, everyone helped.

Jeez, what a Heist-zilla.

Anyway, we should all be proud of ourselves,

especially the guy who

stepped in front of the assistant lady

at the perfect time to slow her down.

Who was that guy?

Oh, right, that was me.

And now they all think the trophy's gone

due to a crazy wobbly table,

and not due to three weird kids and one dapper gentleman.

-Thank you. -Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've been eating all day

and I have seven different kinds of diarrhea.

-[Vincent grunting] -There goes a class act.

[ferry horn blows]

Thanks for letting us get fudge

even though those magazine people

really fudged you today, Dad.

You're welcome.

You doing any better there, tiger?

Yeah. I'm-I'm okay.

-I don't need a dumb trophy.

I... I don't need a piece of metal

to tell me what I'm good at.

[Louise] Oh, then you won't need this.

[Bob] Oh, my God.

-Give me, give me. -Kids, where'd you get that?

Did you go into the ocean?

-Yeah. -Sort of. -[Gene] Mm-hmm.

We should give it back, probably.

After we put it behind the counter

for a little bit. Maybe just until I die?

Enjoy it, Dad. You earned it.

Yeah, for once.

Kids, thank you.

Even though what you did to get this

was probably not safe or legal.

All the nicest gestures are.

Mm, I don't know if that's true.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I got it. I got it.

I'm gonna hold it real good now.

You know what, Mom? You're right.

This thing does dig into your back.

Be free, little Belchers!

-Bappity, bappity, bappity, bap! -Yeah!

-Bappity, bappity, bappity! -[Gene] Bappity, bappity, bappity, bappity!

-[Tina] Ow, my face. -[Linda] Oh, sorry. Sorry.

� Magazine people dissing my dad �

� Making him pay for stuff �

� And then my mom is done with her bra �

� She said she's had enough �

� Woo-hoo, and we stole the trophy �

� Woo-hoo, gave it to our daddy �

� Woo-hoo �

� Then fudge for you and me �

� Ooh-wee-hoo, I'm Augustus Weezer the Third �

� Oh, oh, and you're not! �

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