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♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:07,573 --> 00:00:11,219
♪ Songs that made
The Hit Parade ♪
3
00:00:11,243 --> 00:00:14,890
♪ Guys like us We had it made ♪
4
00:00:14,914 --> 00:00:18,159
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:18,183 --> 00:00:22,163
♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪
6
00:00:22,187 --> 00:00:25,501
♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪
7
00:00:25,525 --> 00:00:32,273
♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:32,297 --> 00:00:34,242
♪ Didn't need No welfare state ♪
9
00:00:34,266 --> 00:00:38,413
♪ Everybody pulled His weight ♪
10
00:00:38,437 --> 00:00:42,751
♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle Ran great ♪
11
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♪ Those were the days ♪♪
12
00:00:56,355 --> 00:00:58,600
I can't now, Michael.
13
00:00:58,624 --> 00:01:02,337
I just finished my
nails. They're wet.
14
00:01:02,361 --> 00:01:03,539
You know, you have
15
00:01:03,563 --> 00:01:05,440
the worst timing in the world.
16
00:01:05,464 --> 00:01:07,242
I mean, look at this.
17
00:01:07,266 --> 00:01:09,044
We have the whole
house to ourselves
18
00:01:09,068 --> 00:01:10,167
and you have wet nails.
19
00:01:12,337 --> 00:01:13,849
Michael, you should
have asked me
20
00:01:13,873 --> 00:01:16,018
just even five minutes ago.
21
00:01:16,042 --> 00:01:18,353
I did. I asked you
five minutes ago.
22
00:01:18,377 --> 00:01:20,355
You see that? You never
pay any attention to me.
23
00:01:20,379 --> 00:01:22,257
Oh, Michael, I do too.
24
00:01:22,281 --> 00:01:24,492
You do not. You do
not. I'll prove it to you.
25
00:01:24,516 --> 00:01:26,695
How many fingers
do I have up? Three.
26
00:01:26,719 --> 00:01:28,564
How many now? Three.
27
00:01:28,588 --> 00:01:30,298
How many now? Three.
28
00:01:30,322 --> 00:01:31,433
How many now? Three.
29
00:01:31,457 --> 00:01:34,169
No! I have four fingers up now.
30
00:01:34,193 --> 00:01:35,571
You don't have
four. You have three.
31
00:01:35,595 --> 00:01:36,772
Four. Three.
32
00:01:36,796 --> 00:01:38,206
Four. Three.
33
00:01:38,230 --> 00:01:40,175
Gloria, if I am wrong...
34
00:01:40,199 --> 00:01:42,210
If I am wrong, will
you pay me 5 dollars?
35
00:01:42,234 --> 00:01:43,445
Sure.
36
00:01:43,469 --> 00:01:45,614
All right, I'm wrong.
37
00:01:45,638 --> 00:01:46,982
Ah, you see that?
38
00:01:47,006 --> 00:01:48,483
You never pay
any attention to me.
39
00:01:48,507 --> 00:01:49,787
Michael.
40
00:01:53,613 --> 00:01:54,623
Hi, Ma.
41
00:01:54,647 --> 00:01:55,724
Hi, Ma.
42
00:01:55,748 --> 00:01:57,759
Hello.
43
00:01:57,783 --> 00:01:59,995
Can I help you with
your package, Ma?
44
00:02:00,019 --> 00:02:01,785
Oh, yes, Mike, thanks.
45
00:02:06,626 --> 00:02:08,946
Ma, what's the matter?
Something wrong?
46
00:02:11,764 --> 00:02:14,142
Something's wrong
with Ma, Michael.
47
00:02:14,166 --> 00:02:16,299
I better go see
what's the matter.
48
00:02:18,403 --> 00:02:20,682
Uh, Ma?
49
00:02:20,706 --> 00:02:24,419
Wh... Why don't you sit down?
50
00:02:24,443 --> 00:02:26,655
Uh, would you
like a cup of coffee?
51
00:02:26,679 --> 00:02:28,045
I'll get it.
52
00:02:30,816 --> 00:02:32,694
Would you like
to tell me about it?
53
00:02:32,718 --> 00:02:33,962
No, no, Gloria,
54
00:02:33,986 --> 00:02:35,697
I can't tell you about it.
55
00:02:35,721 --> 00:02:37,565
Come on, Ma. No, no.
56
00:02:37,589 --> 00:02:39,735
I told you. I can't
tell you about it.
57
00:02:39,759 --> 00:02:42,370
I can't tell nobody
about it. Never, never.
58
00:02:42,394 --> 00:02:45,140
All right. It's all right, Ma.
59
00:02:45,164 --> 00:02:47,009
You don't have
to tell me about it.
60
00:02:47,033 --> 00:02:48,632
I was arrested!
61
00:02:50,936 --> 00:02:52,681
You were arrested?
62
00:02:52,705 --> 00:02:53,982
For what?
63
00:02:54,006 --> 00:02:56,417
I told you, Gloria, I
can't tell you about it.
64
00:02:56,441 --> 00:02:59,021
I'm a shoplifter!
65
00:02:59,045 --> 00:03:02,090
You were arrested
for shoplifting?
66
00:03:02,114 --> 00:03:03,625
You were arrested
for shoplifting?
67
00:03:03,649 --> 00:03:05,727
Now everybody knows!
68
00:03:05,751 --> 00:03:07,350
Gloria, what's going on?
69
00:03:08,721 --> 00:03:10,498
Ma, it's all a big
mistake, isn't it?
70
00:03:10,522 --> 00:03:11,802
No, Gloria.
71
00:03:15,127 --> 00:03:19,074
I'm sorry, but I think there's
something wrong with me.
72
00:03:19,098 --> 00:03:22,443
Yeah. I've started
taking things.
73
00:03:22,467 --> 00:03:25,647
I think I'm one of them
people that, you know,
74
00:03:25,671 --> 00:03:26,782
can't help taking things.
75
00:03:26,806 --> 00:03:29,217
Ma, Ma, you're
not a kleptomaniac.
76
00:03:29,241 --> 00:03:30,418
That's the word.
77
00:03:30,442 --> 00:03:32,120
You're not that.
78
00:03:32,144 --> 00:03:35,290
Yeah, it's come down to
me from my Aunt Gertrude.
79
00:03:35,314 --> 00:03:41,063
She was... She was
one of them kleppers too.
80
00:03:41,087 --> 00:03:44,465
Ma, you don't
inherit kleptomania.
81
00:03:44,489 --> 00:03:46,568
Oh, she was a lovely person,
82
00:03:46,592 --> 00:03:49,637
but she couldn't
help taking things.
83
00:03:49,661 --> 00:03:52,107
Yeah, it was so sad.
84
00:03:52,131 --> 00:03:56,011
I remember once,
after she left our house,
85
00:03:56,035 --> 00:03:57,746
we couldn't eat a thing.
86
00:03:57,770 --> 00:03:59,380
She made you feel that bad, huh?
87
00:03:59,404 --> 00:04:02,973
No. She took all
the knives and forks.
88
00:04:04,844 --> 00:04:06,888
Ma... Listen, Ma. Listen.
89
00:04:06,912 --> 00:04:08,190
Just because
90
00:04:08,214 --> 00:04:09,758
your Aunt Gertrude stole things
91
00:04:09,782 --> 00:04:11,159
doesn't mean that you will.
92
00:04:11,183 --> 00:04:13,962
Oh, yeah, that sort of thing
93
00:04:13,986 --> 00:04:15,530
runs in the family, Gloria,
94
00:04:15,554 --> 00:04:17,833
and I dreamed
about Aunt Gertrude
95
00:04:17,857 --> 00:04:19,534
just the other night.
96
00:04:19,558 --> 00:04:22,303
Oh, I could see her
clear as day in my dream.
97
00:04:22,327 --> 00:04:24,272
She was sneaking
out of the house
98
00:04:24,296 --> 00:04:27,743
with my mother's sewing machine.
99
00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:30,879
She was riding
it like a bicycle.
100
00:04:30,903 --> 00:04:33,414
Look, Ma, why don't you
just sit down over here
101
00:04:33,438 --> 00:04:34,916
and tell us what
happened, all right?
102
00:04:34,940 --> 00:04:36,551
Don't tell Archie nothing
about this, please.
103
00:04:36,575 --> 00:04:38,186
Don't worry about it.
104
00:04:38,210 --> 00:04:39,788
Don't. We won't.
105
00:04:39,812 --> 00:04:41,223
Hello, everybody!
106
00:04:41,247 --> 00:04:42,824
Hello and whoop-dee-do!
107
00:04:42,848 --> 00:04:45,193
Hi, Daddy.
108
00:04:45,217 --> 00:04:47,829
Hold it. hold it. Before you say
another word to me, stand back.
109
00:04:47,853 --> 00:04:50,498
You are looking at a
cham-peen bowler here.
110
00:04:50,522 --> 00:04:53,301
Edith, the greatest
Saturday afternoon of my life
111
00:04:53,325 --> 00:04:55,303
down in the alley. Oh,
the pins were flying.
112
00:04:55,327 --> 00:04:56,638
Every time I took the ball,
113
00:04:56,662 --> 00:04:57,973
come up to the line there,
114
00:04:57,997 --> 00:05:00,008
some guys in the back
were yelling "timber."
115
00:05:00,032 --> 00:05:01,309
Why? Because I bowled,
116
00:05:01,333 --> 00:05:03,311
for the first time in
my life, a 227 game.
117
00:05:03,335 --> 00:05:04,913
What do you got to say to that?
118
00:05:04,937 --> 00:05:06,603
I was arrested.
119
00:05:18,217 --> 00:05:19,257
Huh?
120
00:05:21,353 --> 00:05:23,187
I was arrested.
121
00:05:24,356 --> 00:05:25,867
You was arrested... for what?
122
00:05:25,891 --> 00:05:30,172
Oh... if I told you,
you'd just get mad.
123
00:05:30,196 --> 00:05:31,476
I ain't gonna get...!
124
00:05:34,633 --> 00:05:37,245
I ain't gonna get mad.
125
00:05:37,269 --> 00:05:38,947
Tell me what you
was arrested for.
126
00:05:38,971 --> 00:05:41,582
I don't know where to start.
127
00:05:41,606 --> 00:05:44,352
At the beginning, Edith.
128
00:05:44,376 --> 00:05:46,021
Well, all right.
129
00:05:46,045 --> 00:05:50,558
This morning, after I finished
sorting the laundry upstairs
130
00:05:50,582 --> 00:05:53,862
I came downstairs to
do the breakfast dishes
131
00:05:53,886 --> 00:05:57,398
and then I decided...
to go to Willington's
132
00:05:57,422 --> 00:05:58,834
and buy you some shirts,
133
00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:00,335
All right, hold it, hold it.
134
00:06:00,359 --> 00:06:02,003
Forget the beginning.
135
00:06:02,027 --> 00:06:03,107
Just start at the end.
136
00:06:06,631 --> 00:06:08,232
I was arrested.
137
00:06:12,437 --> 00:06:15,183
Edith, you know,
uh, uh, I got the idea
138
00:06:15,207 --> 00:06:17,719
that you're in some kind of
goofy trouble or something.
139
00:06:17,743 --> 00:06:18,786
Now, how did it start?
140
00:06:18,810 --> 00:06:20,555
Well, the trouble started
141
00:06:20,579 --> 00:06:24,492
because our old apartment
is on Union Street.
142
00:06:24,516 --> 00:06:27,829
You remember the apartment
that got so hot in the summer
143
00:06:27,853 --> 00:06:32,234
and Arthur had to sleep
out on the fire escape?
144
00:06:32,258 --> 00:06:35,536
Arthur was our cat.
145
00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:38,439
You didn't like Arthur
the cat very well,
146
00:06:38,463 --> 00:06:39,607
did you, Archie?
147
00:06:39,631 --> 00:06:44,279
I hated his fish-eating guts.
148
00:06:44,303 --> 00:06:45,780
Get on with the story.
149
00:06:45,804 --> 00:06:47,515
Well,
150
00:06:47,539 --> 00:06:51,219
the number 44 bus
route don't go to Bayside
151
00:06:51,243 --> 00:06:53,176
but I told the old lady it did.
152
00:06:56,949 --> 00:06:59,627
You told, uh, uh... Who? Who?
153
00:06:59,651 --> 00:07:03,031
The little old lady in
Willington's department store
154
00:07:03,055 --> 00:07:04,766
who wanted to go to Bayside.
155
00:07:04,790 --> 00:07:07,190
I told her to take
the number 44.
156
00:07:08,127 --> 00:07:09,570
Wait a minute.
157
00:07:09,594 --> 00:07:11,572
You told an old lady
something wrong,
158
00:07:11,596 --> 00:07:13,275
but that ain't no crime.
159
00:07:13,299 --> 00:07:14,709
What did they arrest you for?
160
00:07:14,733 --> 00:07:16,699
Because I was wearing the wig.
161
00:07:18,703 --> 00:07:20,548
Just a minute. Sit
down in the chair here.
162
00:07:20,572 --> 00:07:22,517
Daddy, Ma's very
upset, so go easy.
163
00:07:22,541 --> 00:07:24,119
Get away from me, both...
164
00:07:24,143 --> 00:07:25,787
Don't tell me how to go nothing.
165
00:07:25,811 --> 00:07:28,390
Shut up, the two of
youse. Sit down over here.
166
00:07:28,414 --> 00:07:30,792
Just sit down quiet.
167
00:07:30,816 --> 00:07:33,028
I'll handle it.
168
00:07:33,052 --> 00:07:36,264
Once again, I got to
straighten out conditions
169
00:07:36,288 --> 00:07:37,787
here in Nutsville.
170
00:07:43,528 --> 00:07:46,007
Edith, let me explain
something to you, huh?
171
00:07:46,031 --> 00:07:48,509
You ain't got no wig.
172
00:07:48,533 --> 00:07:52,447
I know, but I was trying
one on down at Willington's,
173
00:07:52,471 --> 00:07:55,616
and I was still wearing it
when I ran out of the store
174
00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:57,052
after the little old lady
175
00:07:57,076 --> 00:07:59,487
to tell her I told
her the wrong bus,
176
00:07:59,511 --> 00:08:01,189
and that's when
they... Arrested you
177
00:08:01,213 --> 00:08:03,494
for shoplifting. Holy cow!
178
00:08:07,953 --> 00:08:09,764
Did they call the cops on you?
179
00:08:09,788 --> 00:08:11,899
No. No, they...
180
00:08:11,923 --> 00:08:15,770
They said I could never
come in the store again,
181
00:08:15,794 --> 00:08:18,273
and then they
made me sign a form
182
00:08:18,297 --> 00:08:19,941
and they took my picture.
183
00:08:19,965 --> 00:08:22,110
Oh, Jesus.
184
00:08:22,134 --> 00:08:23,611
Ma, that means
you're on the blacklist.
185
00:08:23,635 --> 00:08:24,779
Oh, jeez, a blacklist now.
186
00:08:24,803 --> 00:08:26,314
What blacklist?
187
00:08:26,338 --> 00:08:28,950
The ones that the stores
pass around to each other.
188
00:08:28,974 --> 00:08:30,651
They pass them all
around, everywhere.
189
00:08:30,675 --> 00:08:33,088
They feed those
things into computers.
190
00:08:33,112 --> 00:08:34,289
Into computers.
191
00:08:34,313 --> 00:08:35,290
And once that happens,
192
00:08:35,314 --> 00:08:36,358
your credit rating is zilch.
193
00:08:36,382 --> 00:08:37,792
All because of this...
194
00:08:37,816 --> 00:08:39,794
What do you mean,
"credit rating zilch"?
195
00:08:39,818 --> 00:08:41,396
I ain't gonna let
no store do that
196
00:08:41,420 --> 00:08:43,298
over one little
mistake like this here.
197
00:08:43,322 --> 00:08:46,767
I know how to handle
them stores... believe me.
198
00:08:46,791 --> 00:08:50,038
Now, that store is gonna
make an apology to you
199
00:08:50,062 --> 00:08:51,473
first thing Monday morning.
200
00:08:51,497 --> 00:08:53,397
I'm gonna send you
down there to get it.
201
00:08:57,836 --> 00:09:00,181
Oh, Archie, I can't do that.
202
00:09:00,205 --> 00:09:02,817
They won't let me in the store.
203
00:09:02,841 --> 00:09:05,387
And everybody knows
I'm a klep-a-maniac.
204
00:09:05,411 --> 00:09:06,411
Ah...
205
00:09:07,379 --> 00:09:10,591
I'll never go shopping again.
206
00:09:10,615 --> 00:09:12,427
Stop crying, will you?
207
00:09:12,451 --> 00:09:14,695
What are you
making her crying for?
208
00:09:14,719 --> 00:09:15,997
Let me handle this.
209
00:09:16,021 --> 00:09:17,865
The two of youse
get out of here.
210
00:09:17,889 --> 00:09:19,501
I want to talk to her alone.
211
00:09:19,525 --> 00:09:21,202
All right, Michael,
let's make some coffee.
212
00:09:21,226 --> 00:09:22,770
Daddy, be nice.
213
00:09:22,794 --> 00:09:24,572
Leave me alone.
214
00:09:24,596 --> 00:09:26,541
Oh, Edith, come on,
come on, will you?
215
00:09:26,565 --> 00:09:28,076
Stop slobbering there.
216
00:09:28,100 --> 00:09:29,244
I'm sorry.
217
00:09:29,268 --> 00:09:32,280
Jeez, that ain't
gonna help nothing.
218
00:09:32,304 --> 00:09:34,115
Oh... Oh, Edith,
219
00:09:34,139 --> 00:09:35,650
Edith, Edith, listen, listen.
220
00:09:35,674 --> 00:09:39,254
It ain't your fault.
It ain't your fault.
221
00:09:39,278 --> 00:09:41,756
It's the world, Edith.
222
00:09:41,780 --> 00:09:43,491
What do you mean?
223
00:09:43,515 --> 00:09:45,860
I mean, Edith, that the world...
224
00:09:45,884 --> 00:09:49,764
just ain't ready for you.
225
00:09:49,788 --> 00:09:52,500
I don't understand.
226
00:09:52,524 --> 00:09:55,403
Well, what I'm trying
to say is that I know
227
00:09:55,427 --> 00:09:57,605
that you ain't never hurt
nobody in your whole life.
228
00:09:57,629 --> 00:09:59,140
You never told a lie to nobody
229
00:09:59,164 --> 00:10:00,308
and I know damn well
230
00:10:00,332 --> 00:10:01,742
you never stole
nothing from nobody.
231
00:10:01,766 --> 00:10:05,646
Do you really think so, Archie?
232
00:10:05,670 --> 00:10:08,383
Oh, certainly, Edith, certainly.
233
00:10:08,407 --> 00:10:10,318
The only thing anybody
could ever pin on you,
234
00:10:10,342 --> 00:10:12,320
and so far as I
know, it ain't no crime,
235
00:10:12,344 --> 00:10:13,510
is being a dingbat.
236
00:10:17,382 --> 00:10:22,063
Oh, thank you, Archie.
237
00:10:22,087 --> 00:10:23,698
Oh, all right, Edith.
238
00:10:23,722 --> 00:10:24,865
You want to thank me,
239
00:10:24,889 --> 00:10:26,867
just go and get some
of that coffee for me.
240
00:10:26,891 --> 00:10:28,803
All right, Archie, right away.
241
00:10:28,827 --> 00:10:30,572
Oh, my, I feel like
242
00:10:30,596 --> 00:10:34,075
a weight's been lifted
from my shoulders.
243
00:10:34,099 --> 00:10:35,110
Ain't it silly
244
00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:38,713
how we let things bother us?
245
00:10:38,737 --> 00:10:42,217
Oh, I'll take that cup
of coffee for Archie.
246
00:10:42,241 --> 00:10:43,251
You look brighter, Ma.
247
00:10:43,275 --> 00:10:45,320
Oh, yeah. I feel
much better now.
248
00:10:45,344 --> 00:10:48,022
Archie knows how to talk to me.
249
00:10:48,046 --> 00:10:51,159
Oh, Ma, you look prettier
when you're smiling,
250
00:10:51,183 --> 00:10:52,627
and that's a pretty
necklace, too.
251
00:10:52,651 --> 00:10:57,132
Thanks. Here, Archie.
Here's your coffee.
252
00:10:57,156 --> 00:10:58,355
What necklace?
253
00:11:04,530 --> 00:11:06,241
Oh, my.
254
00:11:06,265 --> 00:11:07,642
What's the matter, Ma?
255
00:11:07,666 --> 00:11:13,681
Oh, I... I tried it on to see
how it looked with the wig,
256
00:11:13,705 --> 00:11:16,406
but I never paid for it!
257
00:11:17,742 --> 00:11:19,987
I am a klepper!
258
00:11:28,353 --> 00:11:30,331
Ma, come down and
have your breakfast.
259
00:11:30,355 --> 00:11:32,233
You really should eat something.
260
00:11:32,257 --> 00:11:34,268
All right, Gloria.
261
00:11:34,292 --> 00:11:36,603
Michael, I'm really
worried about Ma.
262
00:11:36,627 --> 00:11:38,439
She's been moping
around all weekend.
263
00:11:38,463 --> 00:11:40,041
You know, I've been
thinking about it, Gloria,
264
00:11:40,065 --> 00:11:42,509
and I think we ought to talk
Ma into seeing a psychiatrist.
265
00:11:42,533 --> 00:11:44,846
A psychiatrist?
266
00:11:44,870 --> 00:11:48,015
Oh, no, Mike. I can't
go to one of them.
267
00:11:48,039 --> 00:11:50,852
Besides, I'm going
someplace else.
268
00:11:50,876 --> 00:11:53,087
Ma, why don't you let us
make an appointment for you?
269
00:11:53,111 --> 00:11:54,856
A psychiatrist would
make you feel better.
270
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:56,324
No. No, Gloria.
271
00:11:56,348 --> 00:11:59,693
I won't have time, anyway.
I'm going someplace else.
272
00:11:59,717 --> 00:12:00,728
Where?
273
00:12:00,752 --> 00:12:01,729
Somewhere.
274
00:12:01,753 --> 00:12:03,430
Hey! Who is the person
275
00:12:03,454 --> 00:12:05,466
that put the last
roll of toilet paper
276
00:12:05,490 --> 00:12:06,655
on the spool up there?
277
00:12:09,261 --> 00:12:10,571
I was. Why?
278
00:12:10,595 --> 00:12:12,639
I might've knew that.
279
00:12:12,663 --> 00:12:14,508
How many times
I got to tell you?
280
00:12:14,532 --> 00:12:17,300
The paper goes in over
the spool, not under.
281
00:12:20,505 --> 00:12:21,883
Who cares?
282
00:12:21,907 --> 00:12:23,617
I want to talk to you
about something.
283
00:12:23,641 --> 00:12:25,753
Come on! I got to
eat and go to work.
284
00:12:25,777 --> 00:12:27,688
Come on, will you?
Just one second.
285
00:12:27,712 --> 00:12:30,291
I think Ma ought to
go see a psychiatrist.
286
00:12:30,315 --> 00:12:32,026
No dice to no psychiatrist!
287
00:12:32,050 --> 00:12:33,060
Why not?
288
00:12:33,084 --> 00:12:34,395
Anybody goes to
see a psychiatrist
289
00:12:34,419 --> 00:12:35,718
ought to have his head examined.
290
00:12:37,188 --> 00:12:38,665
All right, Daddy,
291
00:12:38,689 --> 00:12:40,234
have you got a
better suggestion?
292
00:12:40,258 --> 00:12:41,468
After work today,
293
00:12:41,492 --> 00:12:43,037
I'm going down to
that Willington store.
294
00:12:43,061 --> 00:12:44,538
I'm gonna see that
manager myself
295
00:12:44,562 --> 00:12:46,573
and I am gonna put the fix in.
296
00:12:46,597 --> 00:12:48,175
Now, look at the time.
You're keeping me.
297
00:12:48,199 --> 00:12:49,576
I'm gonna be late for work.
298
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:50,978
Will you get my lunch box, huh?
299
00:12:51,002 --> 00:12:52,780
To top it off, the
radio says rain today.
300
00:12:52,804 --> 00:12:54,148
Get away from me.
301
00:12:54,172 --> 00:12:55,983
You know what that
does to the subway?
302
00:12:56,007 --> 00:12:57,785
It makes the damn
thing like a Turkish bath.
303
00:12:57,809 --> 00:12:59,586
You better take
your rubbers too.
304
00:12:59,610 --> 00:13:00,888
I don't want no rubbers.
305
00:13:00,912 --> 00:13:02,456
Every time I pull them off
306
00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:04,725
my shoes come off with them.
307
00:13:04,749 --> 00:13:06,994
Give me that.
308
00:13:07,018 --> 00:13:09,563
Oh...
309
00:13:09,587 --> 00:13:11,532
Oh, well, now, I ain't
gonna carry that, Edith.
310
00:13:11,556 --> 00:13:14,535
The guys at the loading dock
see me walking in with that,
311
00:13:14,559 --> 00:13:18,005
they'd think I turned
into an English fruit.
312
00:13:18,029 --> 00:13:20,141
It's Louise Jefferson's.
313
00:13:20,165 --> 00:13:21,809
I don't care if it's
Mary Poppins'.
314
00:13:21,833 --> 00:13:23,844
Let me out of here.
315
00:13:23,868 --> 00:13:25,246
You have a nice day, Daddy.
316
00:13:25,270 --> 00:13:26,550
How the hell can I?
317
00:13:28,673 --> 00:13:30,418
Oh, dear.
318
00:13:30,442 --> 00:13:32,453
Ma, what's with the umbrella?
319
00:13:32,477 --> 00:13:35,356
Well, I borrowed it
from Louise a week ago,
320
00:13:35,380 --> 00:13:38,192
and yesterday she
asked for it back
321
00:13:38,216 --> 00:13:40,061
and I told her I didn't have it.
322
00:13:40,085 --> 00:13:42,997
I told her I already
gave it back to her.
323
00:13:43,021 --> 00:13:44,999
Well, that's an easy
mistake to make.
324
00:13:45,023 --> 00:13:50,972
But, Gloria, suppose I
didn't give it back on purpose.
325
00:13:50,996 --> 00:13:53,474
Ma, look how you're
torturing yourself.
326
00:13:53,498 --> 00:13:56,910
Yeah. I got to go see somebody.
327
00:13:56,934 --> 00:13:57,911
That's right.
328
00:13:57,935 --> 00:13:59,246
Now forget what Archie says.
329
00:13:59,270 --> 00:14:00,982
You got to go see a psychiatrist
330
00:14:01,006 --> 00:14:02,783
and I think you
ought to do it today.
331
00:14:02,807 --> 00:14:05,386
It was my son-in-law's idea
332
00:14:05,410 --> 00:14:07,521
that I should
see a psychiatrist.
333
00:14:07,545 --> 00:14:10,224
He said I should talk to
somebody professional
334
00:14:10,248 --> 00:14:11,692
and he's right.
335
00:14:11,716 --> 00:14:13,995
That's why I came to see you.
336
00:14:14,019 --> 00:14:15,129
Well, I'm very flattered, but...
337
00:14:15,153 --> 00:14:16,852
why me?
338
00:14:18,256 --> 00:14:21,535
Father, you don't mind
339
00:14:21,559 --> 00:14:23,437
if I ain't Catholic, do you?
340
00:14:23,461 --> 00:14:24,438
No, no, no, no, no.
341
00:14:24,462 --> 00:14:25,706
I have a sinking feeling
342
00:14:25,730 --> 00:14:27,970
a lot of my congregation isn't.
343
00:14:32,670 --> 00:14:33,814
Really?
344
00:14:33,838 --> 00:14:36,583
No, no. Protestant
ministers say that too.
345
00:14:36,607 --> 00:14:38,607
It's a religious joke. Ugh.
346
00:14:40,311 --> 00:14:41,944
Oh, yeah.
347
00:14:45,716 --> 00:14:47,728
I thought of going
to our pastor,
348
00:14:47,752 --> 00:14:49,230
the Reverend Felcher,
349
00:14:49,254 --> 00:14:51,232
but I was too ashamed,
350
00:14:51,256 --> 00:14:53,000
and I heard in your church
351
00:14:53,024 --> 00:14:54,768
you don't talk about nothing.
352
00:14:54,792 --> 00:14:56,325
No?
353
00:14:58,530 --> 00:15:00,941
I mean about
nothing you're told.
354
00:15:00,965 --> 00:15:03,144
Oh, oh. The secrets
of confession.
355
00:15:03,168 --> 00:15:05,379
Yes, that's the hardest
part of the job for me.
356
00:15:05,403 --> 00:15:08,382
I'm a born gossip.
357
00:15:08,406 --> 00:15:11,352
Don't worry. We never talk.
358
00:15:11,376 --> 00:15:14,188
Now, let's get back to our
discussion, Mrs. Bunker.
359
00:15:14,212 --> 00:15:15,523
Well, I remembered
360
00:15:15,547 --> 00:15:19,260
how nice you was to us
when I dented your car
361
00:15:19,284 --> 00:15:22,829
with a can of cling
peaches in heavy syrup.
362
00:15:22,853 --> 00:15:25,132
Remember, it was
at Ferguson's market?
363
00:15:25,156 --> 00:15:27,968
They were having a special on...
364
00:15:27,992 --> 00:15:29,470
Oh, why'd you stop?
365
00:15:29,494 --> 00:15:33,307
That's where Archie
usually says "stifle."
366
00:15:33,331 --> 00:15:36,610
Ah, yes, your husband, Archie.
367
00:15:36,634 --> 00:15:38,645
You know, Mrs. Bunker,
all things considered
368
00:15:38,669 --> 00:15:42,004
you're a remarkably
cheerful woman.
369
00:15:43,341 --> 00:15:46,487
Well, I ain't so cheerful
no more, Father.
370
00:15:46,511 --> 00:15:48,989
That's why I need your help.
371
00:15:49,013 --> 00:15:52,426
I don't want to be
a klep-a-maniac.
372
00:15:52,450 --> 00:15:53,660
Well, now, I'm sure you aren't.
373
00:15:53,684 --> 00:15:54,828
If you were a kleptomaniac,
374
00:15:54,852 --> 00:15:57,531
you wouldn't be as
upset as you are about it.
375
00:15:57,555 --> 00:16:00,401
But what about the
Eighth Commandment?
376
00:16:00,425 --> 00:16:02,636
Oh, um... uh...
377
00:16:02,660 --> 00:16:04,693
Uh...
378
00:16:06,631 --> 00:16:08,442
"Thou shalt not steal."
379
00:16:08,466 --> 00:16:09,746
Oh! Oh!
380
00:16:16,474 --> 00:16:17,951
I'm sure, I'm sure, Mrs. Bunker,
381
00:16:17,975 --> 00:16:19,620
that you exaggerate
when you say "stole."
382
00:16:19,644 --> 00:16:21,555
Now, now, you really
don't believe that, do you?
383
00:16:21,579 --> 00:16:24,992
Oh, I don't know what
to believe no more,
384
00:16:25,016 --> 00:16:28,329
and, uh, I think I
broke number 10 too.
385
00:16:28,353 --> 00:16:29,597
Oh, number 10, huh?
386
00:16:29,621 --> 00:16:31,365
Hmm. How'd you do that?
387
00:16:31,389 --> 00:16:34,089
I coveted my
neighbor's umbrella.
388
00:16:38,396 --> 00:16:42,576
Father, can you tell me
why I'm doing these things?
389
00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:44,612
Well, of course I'm
not a psychiatrist,
390
00:16:44,636 --> 00:16:47,214
but I do know that
kleptomania isn't really criminal.
391
00:16:47,238 --> 00:16:49,816
It's more of an emotional upset.
392
00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:51,985
Now, uh... perhaps
you're dissatisfied
393
00:16:52,009 --> 00:16:53,521
with your life.
394
00:16:53,545 --> 00:16:54,622
Oh, no.
395
00:16:54,646 --> 00:16:56,190
You ever wish you
were somebody else?
396
00:16:56,214 --> 00:16:57,591
No,
397
00:16:57,615 --> 00:16:59,193
but when I was a little girl
398
00:16:59,217 --> 00:17:02,196
I used to pretend to
be somebody else.
399
00:17:02,220 --> 00:17:03,397
Oh, yeah? Who?
400
00:17:03,421 --> 00:17:06,267
Deanna Durbin.
401
00:17:06,291 --> 00:17:07,734
♪ Da-ta-ta ♪
402
00:17:07,758 --> 00:17:11,338
♪ Da-da-da ♪
403
00:17:11,362 --> 00:17:13,062
♪ Da ♪
404
00:17:16,501 --> 00:17:19,446
My mother used
to think I was crazy,
405
00:17:19,470 --> 00:17:20,981
daydreaming that way.
406
00:17:21,005 --> 00:17:23,150
There's nothing crazy
about daydreaming.
407
00:17:23,174 --> 00:17:24,451
I do it all the time.
408
00:17:24,475 --> 00:17:26,554
Priests daydream?
409
00:17:26,578 --> 00:17:27,954
Oh, sure, sure.
410
00:17:27,978 --> 00:17:30,957
Some of us dream of
being bishops and cardinals.
411
00:17:30,981 --> 00:17:33,594
Cardinals dream of being pope.
412
00:17:33,618 --> 00:17:35,429
What do you dream about?
413
00:17:35,453 --> 00:17:37,052
I dream about retiring.
414
00:17:39,624 --> 00:17:41,134
You still think about
being other people?
415
00:17:41,158 --> 00:17:43,036
Oh, no. No.
416
00:17:43,060 --> 00:17:47,208
I just think about other people
doing the same things I'm doing.
417
00:17:47,232 --> 00:17:49,976
Like, when I'm brushing my teeth
418
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:53,113
I stop and think
about Elizabeth Taylor
419
00:17:53,137 --> 00:17:55,683
or the Queen of England
420
00:17:55,707 --> 00:17:59,953
brushing their teeth
at the very same time.
421
00:17:59,977 --> 00:18:01,255
Well, everybody does it.
422
00:18:01,279 --> 00:18:05,025
If they've got teeth.
423
00:18:05,049 --> 00:18:08,229
You know, I can think
of Elizabeth Taylor
424
00:18:08,253 --> 00:18:09,963
brushing her teeth,
425
00:18:09,987 --> 00:18:14,189
but I can never think
of her spitting it out.
426
00:18:21,566 --> 00:18:23,577
Well, Mrs. Bunker, you
seem very relaxed now.
427
00:18:23,601 --> 00:18:24,612
Oh, yeah.
428
00:18:24,636 --> 00:18:25,979
Well, suppose, then, we go on
429
00:18:26,003 --> 00:18:28,582
with that... That
story of yours.
430
00:18:28,606 --> 00:18:30,417
Now, uh, now, you think, uh,
431
00:18:30,441 --> 00:18:32,052
you think very hard this time.
432
00:18:32,076 --> 00:18:35,689
Now, the little old lady
wanted to go to Bayside.
433
00:18:35,713 --> 00:18:36,823
Yeah.
434
00:18:36,847 --> 00:18:39,893
That's what I heard
her tell the floorwalker
435
00:18:39,917 --> 00:18:41,362
and I thought I knew...
436
00:18:41,386 --> 00:18:43,029
Now, now, now, now,
437
00:18:43,053 --> 00:18:44,030
The floorwalker?
438
00:18:44,054 --> 00:18:46,032
Yeah, Mr. Masterson.
439
00:18:46,056 --> 00:18:47,701
So I went over
440
00:18:47,725 --> 00:18:50,371
and I told her to
take the number 44...
441
00:18:50,395 --> 00:18:52,406
Now, Mr. Masterson was there?
442
00:18:52,430 --> 00:18:55,643
Yeah. He's been with
Willington's for years.
443
00:18:55,667 --> 00:18:57,344
And then she said,
"Thank you very much."
444
00:18:57,368 --> 00:18:59,713
Mr. Masterson's a witness.
445
00:18:59,737 --> 00:19:02,883
No, he's a floorwalker.
446
00:19:02,907 --> 00:19:06,353
And then I went back
to trying on the wig...
447
00:19:06,377 --> 00:19:07,388
Now, Mrs., Mrs...
448
00:19:07,412 --> 00:19:09,923
Wait. Father, I
ain't finished yet.
449
00:19:09,947 --> 00:19:12,326
I was looking in the mirror,
450
00:19:12,350 --> 00:19:14,795
and I was thinking
about the bus,
451
00:19:14,819 --> 00:19:18,532
and I saw myself
looking puzzled,
452
00:19:18,556 --> 00:19:22,725
and I ran out in
the street after...
453
00:19:27,598 --> 00:19:31,011
I didn't take the
wig on purpose.
454
00:19:31,035 --> 00:19:32,245
Well, of course you didn't,
455
00:19:32,269 --> 00:19:33,647
and Mr. Masterson
knows that too.
456
00:19:33,671 --> 00:19:37,685
That's right! I
forgot about him.
457
00:19:37,709 --> 00:19:39,286
Of course, and the
shock of being arrested
458
00:19:39,310 --> 00:19:40,754
drove him right
out of your mind.
459
00:19:40,778 --> 00:19:44,591
But he's in here now.
460
00:19:44,615 --> 00:19:49,095
He saw me talking
to the little old lady.
461
00:19:49,119 --> 00:19:54,134
He knows why I ran
out of the store after her.
462
00:19:54,158 --> 00:19:59,306
He knows I didn't steal the wig.
463
00:19:59,330 --> 00:20:02,776
I ain't a klepper!
464
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:05,133
Oh, Father!
465
00:20:15,279 --> 00:20:17,825
What I mean, Mr. Kirkwood,
is that my wife Edith
466
00:20:17,849 --> 00:20:19,626
never stole nothing
in her whole life.
467
00:20:19,650 --> 00:20:21,995
I'm sure this whole thing
was some kind of mistake.
468
00:20:22,019 --> 00:20:26,066
Not according to the
store detective's report.
469
00:20:26,090 --> 00:20:27,601
I'm sorry, Mr. Bunker,
470
00:20:27,625 --> 00:20:29,770
but I'm afraid that's
what they all say
471
00:20:29,794 --> 00:20:30,871
once we catch them.
472
00:20:30,895 --> 00:20:32,373
"It was a mistake."
473
00:20:32,397 --> 00:20:34,742
Well, I... I know it
looks bad for Edith
474
00:20:34,766 --> 00:20:37,444
but couldn't you kind of,
475
00:20:37,468 --> 00:20:40,280
you know, square it for
one of your own kind?
476
00:20:40,304 --> 00:20:41,849
You know what I mean?
477
00:20:41,873 --> 00:20:45,686
I'm not, uh, not exactly sure
I get your drift, Mr. Bunker.
478
00:20:45,710 --> 00:20:48,489
What does that mean,
"one of your own kind"?
479
00:20:48,513 --> 00:20:53,660
Well, you know, people like
us. You, me, my wife and all.
480
00:20:53,684 --> 00:20:55,996
You know, we like to come
shopping here at Willington's.
481
00:20:56,020 --> 00:20:58,164
We don't like to go
to them other places
482
00:20:58,188 --> 00:21:01,134
like Bloomingdale's,
Klein's, Abraham and Strauss.
483
00:21:01,158 --> 00:21:02,969
You know that tribe?
484
00:21:02,993 --> 00:21:05,972
Oh, yeah. I'm beginning
to see what you mean.
485
00:21:05,996 --> 00:21:07,374
Sure you do.
486
00:21:07,398 --> 00:21:09,877
I mean, I knew by your face
and by your name, Kirkwood,
487
00:21:09,901 --> 00:21:11,445
you'd see my point here.
488
00:21:11,469 --> 00:21:14,548
Now, listen, you want
to keep customers like us
489
00:21:14,572 --> 00:21:15,883
who enjoy coming here
490
00:21:15,907 --> 00:21:18,018
because they know
they get a fair shake here.
491
00:21:18,042 --> 00:21:19,486
I mean, get the picture?
492
00:21:19,510 --> 00:21:21,588
Oh, oh, yeah, I do.
493
00:21:21,612 --> 00:21:24,057
I get it.
494
00:21:24,081 --> 00:21:27,994
Oh, uh, here's a picture
of my family, Mr. Bunker.
495
00:21:28,018 --> 00:21:31,219
There's my wife and
my daughter, Melanie.
496
00:21:32,990 --> 00:21:34,067
Nice-looking family.
497
00:21:34,091 --> 00:21:35,101
Thank you.
498
00:21:35,125 --> 00:21:37,638
My wife's first name is Janet.
499
00:21:37,662 --> 00:21:39,105
That's a nice name for a wife.
500
00:21:39,129 --> 00:21:43,732
Before we were married her
name was Janet Goldstein.
501
00:21:54,078 --> 00:21:55,456
Goldstein.
502
00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:58,425
Yeah. So why don't
you just take yourself
503
00:21:58,449 --> 00:22:00,126
and your anti-Semitism
504
00:22:00,150 --> 00:22:01,662
the hell out of here, huh?
505
00:22:01,686 --> 00:22:02,896
All right. All right.
506
00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:04,998
I'm gonna tell you
something else, Bunker.
507
00:22:05,022 --> 00:22:06,166
My wife Janet,
508
00:22:06,190 --> 00:22:08,001
she's got a word
for people like you.
509
00:22:08,025 --> 00:22:10,637
A word that describes
you perfectly.
510
00:22:10,661 --> 00:22:12,227
You are a narrishekopf.
511
00:22:13,931 --> 00:22:17,132
What the hell is
that? A meathead.
512
00:22:26,076 --> 00:22:27,688
Oh, well.
513
00:22:27,712 --> 00:22:30,579
You never know who
you're talking to no more.
514
00:22:34,084 --> 00:22:38,465
Oh, thank you very
much, Mr. Kirkwood.
515
00:22:38,489 --> 00:22:40,000
Yeah, bye.
516
00:22:40,024 --> 00:22:42,669
That was Mr. Kirkwood,
the manager.
517
00:22:42,693 --> 00:22:44,872
Mr. Masterson spoke to him
518
00:22:44,896 --> 00:22:46,840
and my name is cleared.
519
00:22:46,864 --> 00:22:48,341
Oh, Ma, that's wonderful.
520
00:22:48,365 --> 00:22:49,743
Great, Ma. Great.
521
00:22:49,767 --> 00:22:53,346
He says I'm welcome
in the store anytime,
522
00:22:53,370 --> 00:22:55,415
but for some reason
523
00:22:55,439 --> 00:22:58,173
he said he didn't want
to see Archie down there.
524
00:23:01,245 --> 00:23:02,756
Archie!
525
00:23:02,780 --> 00:23:05,859
Hello!
526
00:23:05,883 --> 00:23:07,995
How was your day?
527
00:23:08,019 --> 00:23:09,496
Just like any other day, Edith.
528
00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:11,386
I don't want to talk about it.
529
00:23:12,890 --> 00:23:14,467
Tell you something else.
I was into Willington's,
530
00:23:14,491 --> 00:23:16,336
I seen that manager
and we're quits with him.
531
00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:17,538
You ought to be damn glad
532
00:23:17,562 --> 00:23:19,406
you don't have to
shop in there no more.
533
00:23:19,430 --> 00:23:21,508
But, Archie... You
want to do any shopping,
534
00:23:21,532 --> 00:23:23,343
there's millions of
other places you can go.
535
00:23:23,367 --> 00:23:26,880
Go to Klein's, Abraham
and Strauss, anything.
536
00:23:26,904 --> 00:23:29,750
Archie, he cleared my name.
537
00:23:29,774 --> 00:23:32,185
I don't care...
538
00:23:32,209 --> 00:23:34,643
I'm off the blacklist.
539
00:23:38,315 --> 00:23:39,426
Well, maybe the guy
540
00:23:39,450 --> 00:23:42,362
thought twice about
what I told him.
541
00:23:42,386 --> 00:23:44,330
What did you tell him, Arch?
542
00:23:44,354 --> 00:23:45,999
What do you care?
543
00:23:46,023 --> 00:23:47,868
Do you have to know everything?
544
00:23:47,892 --> 00:23:49,302
Take him away and feed him.
545
00:23:49,326 --> 00:23:50,326
Huh?
546
00:23:52,296 --> 00:23:53,941
Him and all his psychiatrists.
547
00:23:53,965 --> 00:23:56,176
He'd have everybody
running to a psychiatrist.
548
00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:58,211
I bet you're glad
you didn't go there.
549
00:23:58,235 --> 00:24:01,314
Oh, yeah, Archie, I'm very glad.
550
00:24:01,338 --> 00:24:04,117
I want to tell you, if youse
all had listened to me
551
00:24:04,141 --> 00:24:06,352
a little bit more
often around here,
552
00:24:06,376 --> 00:24:09,578
life would go on
much more simpler.
553
00:24:18,288 --> 00:24:20,701
What do you think, Gloria?
554
00:24:20,725 --> 00:24:22,135
Looks great with your dress.
555
00:24:22,159 --> 00:24:23,604
Really suits you, Ma.
556
00:24:23,628 --> 00:24:24,738
Edith, Edith,
557
00:24:24,762 --> 00:24:26,139
what are you doing
wearing that necklace?
558
00:24:26,163 --> 00:24:27,941
You're supposed to
give that back to the store!
559
00:24:27,965 --> 00:24:29,576
No. It's all right, Archie.
560
00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:34,481
Mr. Kirkwood, the store
manager, said I could keep it.
561
00:24:34,505 --> 00:24:36,049
Oh.
562
00:24:36,073 --> 00:24:38,451
Well, after all the
trouble he made,
563
00:24:38,475 --> 00:24:40,453
the least he could do
is give you something.
564
00:24:40,477 --> 00:24:42,322
And not only that.
565
00:24:42,346 --> 00:24:44,758
He says it's gonna
be the first item
566
00:24:44,782 --> 00:24:47,349
on my new charge account.
567
00:25:08,639 --> 00:25:10,583
All in the Family
was recorded on tape
568
00:25:10,607 --> 00:25:13,341
before a live audience.
40032
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