All language subtitles for canadian_bacon_1995

Thank you.

God bless America again.

You must know the trouble that she's in.

You know, I wish God would bless America
again, like he did

way back there when it all began.

He blessed her then, but we sort of took
it for granted and didn't ask again.

So let's just kind of hold her hand now,
that's all.

In case she stumbles, let's don't let
her fall.

Let's go live to TV 10's Kelly Breen.

Kelly? Well, Brad, it's a big day here
in Niagara Falls, New York, where the

presidential motorcade is expected to
pass by in just a few moments. As you

see, the turnout is, well, pretty much
nonexistent, which is rather surprising

considering this is the first time a
president has been here since all the

back in 1901 when William McKinley
stopped by and was shot.

God bless America.

You must know the trouble that she's in.

America.

When you don't have a lot of book
learning, there's many things you don't

understand.

But I know this much.

She's like a mother to me.

I love her with all my heart.

And let me tell you this, mister.

Everything I am or ever hope to be, I
owe to her.

Topping the president's agenda today
will be a speech at the recently closed

Hacker Defense Plant.

Hacker, you may recall, was closed. 10
,000 employees laid off due to the end

the Cold War, which pretty much rendered
useless all of the military supplies

that they produced there. In fact, the
public is being encouraged to not only

stop by and listen to the president's
speech, but also perhaps maybe pick up

a bargain. We understand there are some
good deals left on items ranging from

missiles to light armament.

By the way, one of those laid off
employees this morning had quite an

altercation. Here you'll see that this
ex -hacker employee is trying to deface

the image of the revered R .J. Hacker,
the chairman of that company.

He got away before he could be
apprehended.

God bless America again.

You must know the trouble that she's in.

Wash.

Meanwhile, in other news, due to the
record number of laid -off workers

to their death in Niagara Falls, the
city council has just approved an

program. Sheriff's deputies who actually
managed to talk someone out of jumping

will be getting $25.

If they have to go and retrieve the
body, they'll be getting $50.

Jump! Jump!

Jump!

What will this one make?

Eh, the third one today.

Uh, ninth this week. Man, a week.

The bucks and the week's not over yet.

You stick with me, honey.

Hey, you know, if things keep going like
this, we'll be back up to what we used

to make it happen.

You know it.

What is this guy doing up there?

That's a free country.

If he doesn't like it here, he can swim
across the river to Canada.

A lot of work there.

Stay, honey.

God, I love you.

Just kidding.

I'm kidding.

Let me get this straight.

You shot me because I didn't want to go
on living?

Yeah. You want me to finish the job? All
right, relax, honey.

Roy, boy, would you please pipe down?

I was trying to make a statement about
our plight.

At least the plight of those whose uncle
ain't the mayor. Don't you mention my

uncle, Jack.

I know what you're thinking. You're
thinking nepotism. Well, I took that

and I passed it fair and square.

What about hand and herd job, huh? I'm
your buddy.

Don't you mention honey like that.

Look, you guys.

My life has been complete hell since
they laid me off at Hacker. Come on,

boy. We know how you feel.

It's bad. We all feel the same way.
We've all had to make some big changes

our life since the plant closed down.

That's right.

But if life hands you a lemon, you've
got to crush it into lemonade.

That's positive thinking.

Come on, smile.

Just want to make that little land.

Think we've moved that rubber tree
plant.

Everyone knows that man can't move a
rubber tree plant.

Come on, Roy, boy, sing.

hopes he's got high hopes he's got high
apple

pie in the sky so anytime you're feeling
low

just remember that

Resident here yet, Riley?

Officer Riley.

Oh, sure, sorry.

You fellas need any backup here, Officer
Riley?

I don't think so, Sheriff.

Okay. You finding a lot of roadkill on
the highway this year, Sheriff?

Oh, now we get to keep what we find.

Forgive me, where are my manners? This
is my woman deputy, Honey.

Honey's been a real asset to us since
she got her parole.

Next, I have an unused, air -delivered
chemical weapon.

Guaranteed death within three minutes.

And what do I hear for this miracle of
modern science? Do I hear 20 -11, not 20

-11, not 20 -11? Spread them out. Blow
your brains out.

Where the hell have you guys been? We
were pulling stiffs out of the falls.

What? You promised me I could pull the
stiffs out this time. You know I need

money. Quit your bellyaching. We never
got the 50. We had to stop Roy Boys from

jumping off the falls.

What? You're jumping off the falls now?

I was making a statement. Will you stop
with the statement thing again?

Go get us a beer.

I do love an auction.

So, next, what do I hear for this
beautiful wire -guided, uranium -tipped,

-and -forget thing?

And what do you want to say to that? $1
,000, $1 ,000, $1 ,000, $1 ,000, $1

,000, $1 ,000, $1 ,000, $1 ,500 then?

That's $500, anyone?

$500. Come on, ladies and gentlemen.

Built right here in Niagara Falls, New
York. This is your chance to own one.

build it, you can own it now.

Listen, can we get out of here? All
these guns and white people are making

nervous. Will you ease off with that
white people stuff?

You got me looking at them funny.

So, $25.

And next we have...

Pardon me.

Let me buy.

$100, please.

$100. Here, Jack, give me that
microphone.

I reckon all of you know me. If you
don't, I'm R .J. Hacker, and I own

Dynamics and Hacker Aerospace, Time
Hacker, Hacker Up, John, and a bunch of

others. I don't even remember their
names right now, and you don't care.

You're upset because I closed this plant
and put you all out on the street.

But I want you to know I'm upset too.

In fact, I get kind of choked up
thinking about it.

for kicking butt in every goddamn corner
of the world.

Why the hell do we have to be here at
these closings?

General, we're here to show the people
that we care. Let's try to put on a

face today, shall we?

It used to be that you had your Russian
reds, you had your Cuban reds, Hollywood

reds, here red, there red, everywhere
red red, E -I -E -I -O.

But it kept us on our toes.

We didn't know who to mistrust, but we
had to defend ourselves.

and you had good jobs to put meat on the
table. But today we find ourselves

being destroyed, not by the Reds, but by
a bunch of short -sighted,

bleeding heart, penny -pinching
Washington wimps. Who is this guy?

R .J. Hacker, sir. R .J.? How about a
little credit? I'm the only president

hasn't gotten us into a war. I think
that's his point, sir. You have yet to

our boys into battle.

Well, send them where? Nobody's
bothering us.

Send them anywhere, sir?

Guaranteed 30 -point boost in the park?
Well, I'm not going to start a war just

to increase my popularity.

What can they do for 20 points? It makes
me want to commit acts I cannot utter

in public.

Hey, here he is now.

The man that a thin majority of you
chose to be president of the United

Little hard on the leader of the free
world, don't you think?

Just what he deserved.

I tell you, this peace ain't always
cracked up to be, especially if we keep

laying off thousands of voters.

Well, what would you suggest we do to
keep these factories open, hmm?

Should I call up the Russians, see if
they want to get back into it, huh?

that help?

Don't you get sarcastic with me, you
little pisshead.

You just had an idea that I liked.

And I want you to follow up on it.

I want you to see to it that those
Ruskies get back in the Cold War mode.

And if you don't, I'll see to it that
you go right back where I found you.

Now, don't make decisions. Just do it.

Well, I want to thank you for that great
welcome.

You provided the power to win the Cold
War for the United States of America.

If we could take what we spent on just
one day of the Cold War.

We could put our children through school
probably for the whole year.

Now's our chance to do it.

It's time to turn off that war machine
and turn on our children.

Turn on our children.

The time has come, fortunately, for us
to beat our swords into plowshares.

Excuse me, do you work here?

You work here. I wanted to get a copy of
the speech.

Copy a transcript or something. We
missed the first one. And you are?

Oh, I'm sorry. Sheriff Bud Boomer,
Niagara County.

And your handle is?

What? Your name.

Your name.

Stuart Smiley, the president's national
security advisor.

Okay.

Stu, you're just the guy we wanted to
see. I was wondering maybe you guys

you know, give us a little deal in our
sheriff's department.

You know, we're looking for, what do you
call those things? Oh, you know, those

are the M -16, the 40 -millimeter
grenade launchers.

Flash, fragmentation, incendiary
illumination, and smoke.

Let's go, please.

Are we putting on a play? It's for civil
disturbances only. How many times

must the cannonballs fly before

they're forever banned?

The answer, my friend, is blowing in the
wind.

The answer, my friend.

Okay, I'm in command here. Stay calm.

Get up.

What's going on, sir?

It's an honor to meet you, sir.

You know, I'm sorry I didn't vote for
you in the last election, but I had to

stay home. You see, the cable company
said the installers were coming between

the hours of... Pardon?

Oh,

I'm sorry, sir.

It's a good thing for you that the
president liked me, Mr. Smart Guy,

otherwise you'd be in big trouble.

Yeah, right.

You must be really important, Boomer.
Hey, did you see the cops last night?

yeah, I wouldn't miss it. I love the way
they kept the video cameras running

while we were wailing away on those
guys.

Whack, whack, whack, whack, whack,
whack, whack.

Oh, it was awesome.

Hey,

Boomer, do you think we're ever going to
be on cops?

You're damn right we're going to be on
cops.

Wait till they see me throwing myself on
that grenade.

He threw the president on the grenade.

Well, whatever.

Morning, Mr. President.

Morning, sir.

I have the results from the overnight
tracking.

Would you care to hear the damage?

Yeah, I can take it. Oh, it's good news,
sir.

Immediately after the assassination
attempt, we got a 15 -point boost in the

national polls.

Oh, okay.

Of course, they dropped off considerably
once word got out that you were still

alive. But the good news is the initial
massive gains that Dow Jones made after

the assassination bulletin held for the
entire business day. Well, that's good

news. According to this, rumors that you
were clinically dead for five minutes

and returned to life boosted your rating
with the religious right.

Oh, that's good. Yeah, there's also
something in there. The voters felt that

your being alive or dead had no real
bearing on their daily lives.

Well, you take that a couple of ways,
you know.

With all due respect, sir, enjoy your
single term.

You know, it's not fair.

I mean, every other president had all
the Russians to blame for everything.

What have I got?

You know, Mr. President, it is really
too bad that the Russians are no longer

the game.

Well, they weren't much fun anyway.
Never got to kill a single one of them.

General, but without them, you and your
friends would have had to get real jobs.

That isn't funny, Stu. You know, Stu's
got a point. What point, sir? Well, of

course, you've got a point, too. My
point, sir, is that Russia is in such

shambles, they couldn't sissy -slap us
if they tried.

Well, they still have all those missiles
lying around. 20 ,473 to be exact. Are

you kidding? One of the breakaway
republics, Kazakhstan, is the third

nuclear power in the world. Are you
kidding? Most Americans don't even know

where Kazakhstan is.

My travel agent can't find it.

Well, I can imagine why.

What do you want to do, sir?

About Russia, sir.

Yeah, why don't we call up and find out
who's in charge over there this week?

Vladimir Krishkin. Vlad, that's great. I
like him. That's good. Why don't we ask

him to see if he can come over here? You
know, we can have, like, one of those

summit things.

Maybe we can work something out, like
what we had with them before, you know?

That's an excellent idea. Good, great.

Super idea, sir.

We've got a contingency plan.

We'll bring it right in. Good, good.

Treacherous bastard.

Once a commie, always a commie. General,
try to pretend you're not here. Shut

up, Peanuts.

All right.

Peanuts, this man's our only hope.

Mr. President, welcome to our summit.

You look great.

What's it?

Good. Have a good trip?

Wonderful. Truly wonderful.

We were wondering if you and I, you
know, if we couldn't sort of get

together and, you know, mano y mano and
sort of work something out.

Mix it up the way we used to, you know,
in the good old days.

I don't mean a real war. I mean, just
just a little tension.

Sort of help people forget about about
things.

I mean, just... Oh, Mr. President,
please.

Is this why you called us here?

We already gave up. You won.

We are too busy trying to protect
universal indoor plumbing.

That's right.

Indoor plumbing. Maybe even a little
central heating.

A big buick in every garage would be
nice.

A few cellular phones, a compact disc,
MTV.

What is the name of that other channel?
VH1. Yes, VH1.

I'm so sorry, Mr. President.

We can't go back to the old days.

Please try and understand.

Good day.

It's a trick, Mr. President. You're
right.

Why can't we talk this over?

What is there to talk over?

You're in charge of the world now.

Don't be a sore winner.

Look, I'm sure we could discuss this
like civilized men.

Civilized men?

Is that what we've both been for the
last 50 years?

Just a holy goddamn minute, you're...
Comrade Jeff! Wait!

You don't go throwing your way around
for half a century, blessing the whole

goddamn peaceful, freedom -loving
Western world, and then...

You decide one day you don't want to tug
the rope no more, do you?

Mr. President, I'm so sorry for this.
Sorry for this? You may have spent

trillions on submarines and missiles,
and what did all this rubbish get us?

Bread lines and Mayday Parade. We need

you. I need you.

You don't always get a second chance.

Maybe we could meet again. How about
Geneva? We could meet at Geneva, a sort

neutral territory.

Goodbye, Mr. President.

And good luck.

Any more bright ideas?

What are we going to do for an enemy
now?

Dead.

Dead.

Dead.

Dead. I missed anything?

Nothing.

Also dead.

These guys are all dead. What, are you
working from an old list?

Sir, these are the kind of guys that
we're looking for.

Well, this guy, he's still alive.

But he's down in Florida making life his
place now.

She's reformed. And looking good.

You know, we were thinking, what could
be a bigger threat than aliens invading

from space?

Ooh, boy!

Scare the shit out of everyone.

Even me, sir.

Jesus, is this the best you could come
up with?

What about, you know, international
terrorism?

Well, sir, we're not going to reopen
missile factories just to fight some...

Creeps running around in exploding
rental cars, are we, sir?

Turn on the lights.

I'm sorry. I'm appalled.

I'm surprised you let those killer bees
off the list. That'd be a good one. How

about... How about Canada?

That's what I hate about coming here,
you know? You gotta listen to that song

all the time. Check out the flag.

What is that? Is that a weed on there or
what?

Come on, give me a break. Nice flag.

Let's go!

No bad language and no litter.

Time to play some hockey. Here we go.

Who let them loose then?

Take the brawl.

How come you never see any black guys
playing hockey, huh?

Now, do you think it's easy to just
gradually take over every professional

sport?

Let me tell you something, man.

Brothers are starting to figure out this
nice thing.

Hope you enjoyed it.

got a care in the world yeah and how
about the way they cheat at the world

series that's our game people i'll tell
you another thing that

fear sucks

footage never seen on TV.

Amazing.

All right, now, how did you know that
was a nuclear facility?

Well, they tricked us all down when
that's a hospital.

But it's a hell of a strike.

We've got technology better than this
we've ever been able to use. A riot

between Americans and Canadians broke
out last night at a hockey arena in

Niagara Falls, Ontario.

Police estimate at least 60 people,
including an American sheriff, were

overnight by Canadian authorities.

I want to call the American embassy.

All I said was Canadian beer sucks.

Can't we all just get

a room?

Boy, these Canadians are violent.

General, can I use your phone for a
second?

Sure. Go ahead.

Yeah, Stu Smiley. Give me Central
Intelligence.

Yeah, Canada Desk.

Jimmy. Hi, Stu.

What's up, Bill?

How you doing, Stu?

We route the heroin through Cancun.

Hold on a second. Yeah.

There's Gus.

What do you say, Stu? Long time no see,
huh?

Boy, it's like the plaza in here, huh?

Yeah, it's got me in a temporary place
here, that's all.

I see you're still proud of telling
Kennedy to send in those advisors to

Vietnam. You're damn right.

In fact, the whole Vietnam War was my
idea.

Not ashamed of it one bit.

They just followed my advice and gone
nuclear.

Yes, well, I'm sure history will
vindicate you.

I would have wiped out the Koreans, too,
if I had had my way. Then we wouldn't

be driving behind them shitty little
compacts of theirs. I got no pickup.

I think those cars are built in South
Korea. Those are our Koreans, Gus.

Like I care.

Uh -huh. Well, what do you got for me?
Anything? Something?

You mean Canada?

Yeah. We can't talk here. Let's go for a
walk. Oh, okay.

You got a secretary hidden somewhere?

Hold your call.

Do you remember the big New York
blackout? Sure.

caused by a Canadian hydroelectric plant
at Niagara Falls. The Canucks claimed

that it was a faulty transmitter.

We had reason to suspect otherwise.

Why, what is it?

These Canadians suffer from a serious
inferiority complex. That's why they

this. Canadian National Tower, the
world's tallest freestanding structure.

say, and it can't figure out its
purpose.

But there can't either.

Canadians are always dreaming up a lot
of ways to ruin our lives.

The metric system, for the love of God.

Celsius.

Neil Young.

You're right, Gus.

Of course I'm right. It was crazy of us
to have been so blind for so long. But

we thought, they're just Canadians.

They're practically the 51st state. We
admired them. Clean streets.

No crime.

No minorities.

How'd they do that?

No slavery.

Their entire government is run by
socialists.

Yeah, but it's not the real pinko stuff.

No, no, no, no, no. That's all wrong.

They've always had these tendencies.

Capitalism must be destroyed in all
forms? What the hell is this? You see

mean? We haven't been paying any
attention.

We think that, oh, they're a little
strange with the socialized medicine

but do you know that they provide free
college to anyone?

Free trains, free eyeglasses, free
condoms.

Do your superiors know about this?

Ah, that has gotten us desk mammals ever
since I told them we'd be back from the

Bay of Pigs by 10.

They've treated me like dirt.

Well, you've done a great job here, Gus.
I'm going to make damn sure the

president knows of your fine work.

Like I care.

Canada? Did you say Canada?

The American people, Mr. Smiley, would
never...

ever buy this mr president the american
people will buy whatever we tell them to

you know that aren't you uh overlooking
one major obstacle i mean like

how to get the average american to hate
and fear canadians hell they're whiter

than we are gentlemen ladies allow me to
clue you to a few rude awakenings for

those of you that think canada is a mom
and pop operation It's time to wake up

and smell the snow.

Fact. Canada is now the second largest
country in the world.

Fact. Canadians freely cross over our
borders, walking among us, undetected.

How many of you knew that they
eliminated the Miss Canada contest?

I think you're on to something here,
Smiley.

Remember the Air Force C -130 that
crashed mysteriously a few years ago?

And that just happened to it.

Curr over Canada, Mr. President.

My God, that's shocking.

When did they get rid of Miss Canada?

A year ago.

Jesus, I mean, suppose something like
that, you know, like caught on down

One week, Mr. President. Give me one
week, and I'll have Americans burning

leaves so fast they won't have time to
think about their smog -filled lungs,

rising interest rates, or their
dwindling savings accounts.

One week, sir.

Good evening.

Edwin S. Simon reporting.

NBS News has obtained Pentagon documents
that show our neighbor to the north,

the sovereign nation of Canada, has
embarked on a military program aimed at

United States.

Canada, known for ages as a polite and
clean country, has, under a socialist

majority, undertaken a massive military
buildup on its border with the United

States. I don't like Canada. It's
freezing cold.

Canada owns more of the U .S. than any
other country.

The Canadian.

They walk among us.

William Shatner.

Michael J. Fox.

Monty Hall.

Mike Myers.

Alex Trebek.

All of them Canadians.

All of them here.

Is Canadian Prime Minister Clark
MacDonald a member of a satanic cult?

Most of Canada's vast military
technology has been built and supplied

United States.

The Canadian National Tower in Toronto,
erected to transmit nuclear attack

warnings from radar stations in northern
Canada, is now solely in Canadian

hands. It is the height of six American
football fields, or five Canadian

football fields, as if Canadian football
really counts.

What would be the psychological
motivation to erect a huge, long, rigid

First of all, there is no Canadian
culture.

I've never read any Canadian literature.

And when have you ever heard anyone say,
honey, let's stay in and order some

Canadian food?

Congress is also asking intelligence
agencies to investigate why the

maintain a threatening lead in Zamboni
technology.

Think of your children pledging
allegiance to the maple leaf.

Mayonnaise on everything.

Winter, 11 months of the year.

Ann Murray, all day, every day.

Holy shit.

We're right on the border.

We're the first line of defense.

We have to get everyone organized.

All right, people!

Do not panic, I repeat, do not panic.

I'm in complete control. Now.

Honey, Cabral, Roy, Boy, and myself will
guard the hydro plant.

Snake, you guard Ed's gun shop.

Del, the bowling alley. The rest of you
guard this bar with your lives.

Yeah.

All right, people.

Let's move out.

Fighting soldiers from the sky Fearless
men

Who jump and die Men who mean Just what
they

say The brave men Of the Green Beret

Silver wings Upon their chest

These are men America's best

One hundred men

We'll test today, but only three.

When the Green Berets put silver wings
on

my son's chest.

Make him one of America's best.

He'll be a man they'll test one day.

Have him win.

Who would have thought?

America against the scary Canadians.

Boy, I'm good.

I'm going to let you in on a little
secret.

All right.

The American public's attention span is
about as long as your dick.

You have got to give Americans something
real, something they can get their

teeth into, something to make them cry,
bloody murder.

Americans will not go to war, even a
cold war, unless they truly believe that

their very lives are threatened.

What do you have in mind?

Back in the early 1960s, my old buddy
Lyndon Johnson said, boys, why don't we

just bomb one of our own ships and blame
it on the North Vietnamese?

That's what we did.

We shelled a U .S. naval ship in the
Gulf of Tonkin. At least that's what we

told everybody.

As far as I know, that damn boat was out
in the middle of Lake Erie.

But 24 hours later, the U .S. Senate
voted 98 to... to

send troops to Vietnam.

That's an amazing story.

That's the truth.

And it can still work.

Like maple syrup, Canada's evil oozes
over the United States.

How long will we remain silent to the
screams?

Oh, that is stunning.

You know, everyone knows what it's like
to get syrup on your fingers.

This guy's a genius.

Clark?

How's Claire?

You were just watching on NBS, really?

Well, I don't know what to think. I
mean, it looks to me like you people are

planning something kind of nasty.

Well, listen, if you feel that way about
it, goodbye.

I like this.

Mr. President, I think now may be the
time to turn up the heat.

What? Like what? What do you mean? Well,
what if... I'm just spitballing here.

Yeah, that's okay. Go ahead. A Canadian
hit squad, i .e. trained professionals

who look like Canadians...

were photographed sabotaging an
important installation inside the U .S.

Why don't we just go up there with the
strike force and knock out their

infrastructure quicker than you can say
collateral damage?

No. Why not?

Yeah, why not? Because a war with Canada
would be over in a matter of days.

Do you remember Grenada? They didn't
even wake Reagan up. Didn't have to. And

all we found there were a bunch of rich
American med school rejects and a couple

Cuban construction workers. That's
liberal bullshit. Cuba had a division in

there. What about Panama?

Oh, hey, yeah, that's right. Listen to
this, listen to this. A couple days of

blasting deaf leopard over loudspeakers
and Noriega ran out weeping. And Iraq,

ha!

They were supposed to have this big, bad
army. They had the biggest cannon

invented by a Canadian.

72 hours after we invade, they're
begging for a big map. They stopped us

miles short of Baghdad and we just sat
there waving our dicks in the desert.

Mr. President, do you want more of that?

or 50 years of Cold War prosperity
because Joe Schmoe American is scared

shitless the world's going to end before
the next commercial.

Well, I think I like Mr. Smiley's
approach. No, no, no, I really like it.

okay, here's what we're going to do.
We'll get some special ops, you know,

disguise them as Canadians, and we'll
let them blow something up.

But nothing valuable, okay? There are no
casualties, all right? There'll be no

casualties. And Canada gets the blame.

We're just minutes away from blowing
this hydro plant a kingdom come.

I'm back.

You got it, darling.

as S .O .B.'s back at Langley see this
on the nightly news.

Freeze! The both of you!

Don't move.

Don't let anybody move.

Honey, Canadians under these wings.
Bring the boys, quick. Who the hell are

Who the hell are you?

Get up there. Come on. Put your hands up
there.

Come on. Put them up there.

Come on. Let's go.

Under the articles of the 15th
convention.

And with the powers invested in me by
the state of New York... Shut up, we're

American! Oh, yeah? Who plays
quarterback for the St. Louis Cardinals?

have no idea, and I don't think... There
ain't no more St. Louis Cardinals! They

moved to Phoenix!

Wait, wait!

Give us another one! Sorry, time's up.
Confirm!

First these Canucks.

Then call the CIA, the FBI, the DA, and
the AFPCA. And call Channel 5.

You're gonna be on TV.

The nation remains stunned today after
the capture of secret Canadian agents

were attempting to blow up the
hydroelectric plant in Niagara Falls,

The Canadians were apprehended by
Niagara Sheriff Bud B. Boomer.

Our correspondent Charles Jackal, who is
rejoining us after a stint at the Betty

Ford Clinic, kicks off our team
coverage.

Chuck, it's great to have you back.

And it's great to be back.

I want to apologize for the hurt I may
have caused that night to so many of

Especially those who are standing too
close to the curb.

You know who you are.

Forgive me.

And it's a startling revelation.

Canada, getting ready to invade, has
amassed 90 % of its population along its

border with the United States.

The longest unprotected border in the
world.

Stretching from the Atlantic Ocean...

To that other one.

You'll be pleased to know, sir, that the
hacker Hellstorm was delivered to and

installed in Toronto yesterday.

Good work.

Good work, boy.

When I found you, I said to myself, I
can make something out of that sniveling

little sneak.

Yes, sir.

Sir, what exactly is the hacker
Hellstorm?

I'm just curious, since I sold it and
all.

Well, that's fair enough, Stu.

The Hacker Hellstorm is a devastating
weapon.

A destabilizing weapon.

And it is capable of launching all the
missiles in the United States at once.

Really? But the Canadians will never,
ever use it. How can you be so sure?

Because I didn't give them the operating
codes.

Really? They think it gives them an edge
on high -tech weather forecasting.

Uh -huh. So the Hellstorm is harmless,
yes?

There's Stewie.

look like to you?

Got me.

Never saw a white man that size.

The Canadian National Tower.

Maybe I better carry the guns.

Where are we going?

Boomer's got a special mission for us.
He says the Canadians are too clean for

their own good. We're crossing over.

To Canada?

Yep. We're going in tonight to kick some
Canadian butt.

Can we go to the tower?

No, I don't think so.

Cut the engine. It's making too much
noise.

What'd you say?

From here on in, we have to be very
quiet.

We're all going to have to paddle.

Get those oars in the water.

Come on. Put your back into it. Both of
you, come on. Nice, easy change. There

you go.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Canada.

There is no more heinous crime than this
in Canada.

Are you sure we're in Canada?

You smell anything?

No. Exactly. Canada!

Hey, don't look like my socks.

That isn't garbage.

That's my laundry.

Roy, boy, you idiot.

Pick this up. You stupid jerk. What are
you doing?

It's my good stuff.

Hello. Who goes there? Freeze!

Johnny can knock.

Now, I must ask you to leave the park
immediately and go back to where you

from. Scatter!

Everybody back to the boat!

Sir, you can't end your sentence with a
preposition.

Oh, really?

Well, what would you say?

Well, I guess I'd say either go back
from where you came or the preferred

Queen's English, go back be from whence
thou came.

Oh, man, that was close.

We were staring that right in his face.

So, where's our honey?

Oh, man, we forgot honey.

I left honey behind. We left the man
behind.

Boomer left... the man behind.

The Marines never leave a man behind.

Chuck Norris never left a man behind.

Wesley Snipes never leaves a man behind.
She's all alone behind enemy lines.

I gotta think.

She's gonna be fine.

She's a survivor. She's strong.

She didn't kill anybody.

We have just learned that the Canadian
government is holding an American

hostage. I have communicated with the
Canadian Prime Minister our demand that

this hostage, this woman, hostage Honey,
must be

released now.

Oh, my God.

To facilitate this, I've ordered our
armed forces on alert.

and I've ordered them to prepare to
engage in Operation Canadian Bacon.

And I want to say to Prime Minister
MacDonald, surrender her pronto, or

we'll level Toronto.

God bless America.

God bless America. God bless you, Mr.
President.

Honey. I miss you.

And I'm being good.

And I'd love to be with you.

If only I could.

This just in. We have received amateur
videotape of hostage Honey.

Roy, boy, Cabral, quick!

Honey!

Oh, she's pissed.

You think?

She's mad at you, Boomer.

Boomer, you hear me? She is being held
at Mountie Headquarters in Niagara

Canada.

Sources in the intelligence community
speculate that Canada may be preparing

terminate her, which would certainly be
in keeping with what we know about the

Canadians.

Terminate? No less than an act of war.

There's a time to think and there's a
time to act.

And this gentleman, there's no time to
think.

We'll have one more round and then we'll
go.

Chester, another round.

He's having a chance to cool off a
little bit, you know.

There's not a locked door in the whole
country.

Let's go.

Who's in charge?

Just the two of us. Just Ruthie and me.

No other personnel in the whole
building.

No, where are the night shift?

Excuse me, ma 'am.

There's not another control room?

No, dear. This is it.

Thank you.

Boomer, maybe we'd better just go.

Stay on your ground, soldier.

Now, let me get this straight.

You're telling me...

That you two are responsible for
supplying all the electricity to your

nation.

That's about the size of it. Oh, Dad.

Does he ever like to brag?

Put those needles down.

Nice and easy where I can see them.

Spread out.

Find out the power source for the
Mountie headquarters.

Remember, I asked you one more time.

Where is the power switch to the Royal
Canadian Mounted Police Headquarters?

You're going to tell me sooner or later.

Now, we can do it my way, which is very
nice right now, or we can do it their

way.

You're not going to like it.

You Canadians are so sneaky.

Don't touch that. You'll black out most
of Canada.

Yeah, right.

Lady, what do we look like, jerks?

Please.

Well, you screwed up now. I'll be the
type of one I screwed up.

All right, let's move out.

And you, don't tell anybody we was here.

Come on.

You know, I could get to like this.

Really?

On these screens here, Mr. President.

What is it? What's happening?

All of Canada is going dark, sir.

Oh, my God. What are you making?

I'll tell you what I think, but you
won't like it. Mr. President, Prime

MacDonald calling from Ottawa.

Clark, hi.

Now, why would we want to cut off your
power?

No, calm down.

No,

if we were up to something, we would
have mined your harbor.

Damn right.

Who?

Yeah, I see, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, all right. Well, we'll check
this out, and we'll get back to you.

Goodbye.

You're not going to believe this.

That same goddamn sheriff from Niagara
Falls, that hero, Bud

Boomer, he's the one responsible for the
blackout. Boomer? Ah, sir, that's

bullshit. This is a Canadian trick.

Now, blame us, get world sympathy, and
make it impossible for our night attack

bombers to locate their cities and
destroy their inhabitants.

Sir, that's the oldest trick in the
book!

Thank you for sleeping so quietly.

I love you.

Even though you're a criminal.

Thank you for keeping your cell clean.

I miss you.

Welcome to Canada.

Hold it right there, Canuck.

Who are you?

I'm your worst nightmare.

I'm a citizen with a constitutional
right to bear arms.

Take the pelts. Take whatever you want.
We don't want your stinking pelts.

Have some fudge. Just leave me alone.

Didn't you hear him?

What was your worst nightmare?

My worst nightmare involved a pack of
rabid wolves.

I was stuck somewhere in the Yukon, and
there were tall, skinny rabbits, and

they were drinking heavily.

Just shut up.

We want your prisoner.

Now, where is she? I don't know what
you're talking about.

A.

A boot.

It's about what we're talking about.

And enough of that A business.

You're going to learn how to talk right,
understand?

We got ways of making you pronounce the
letter O. I want my honey.

I'll get the keys for the cells now.

Now!

Easy.

Easy.

Okay, Mr. Canuck.

Mr. Two -time World Series winner.

Hey, what's that fancy move?

See, this is all the prisoners we have.

This man was arrested for putting
regular gas into an unleaded tank.

Where do you think you're going?

Going over to show you the next guy. All
right, nice and easy. One step at a

time, buddy. This man was arrested for
being in too many bad moods.

I got you covered. I got you covered. I
got you covered, buddy.

This man raided a company, merged it
with his conglomerate, and then fired

the employees. Get away from the farm,
you scum! Hold on, Jack!

Now you tell us where Honey is.

Let me paint a picture for you, buddy.

She's petite, extremely beautiful, and
heavily armed.

Wait, you mean the litter bug.

They took her to the Capitol to give her
a free mental health examination.

Good. The capital, Toronto.

No. The capital of Canada is Ottawa.

Yeah, right.

Do we look that stupid?

Ottawa.

Nice try, Dudley.

All right, boys.

We're going to Toronto.

The capital.

You want some water?

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Too bad.

Gentlemen!

Let's, uh, take the truck.

Let's go!

Hey, Boomer!

Yeah, what's wrong?

I got an idea.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Mr. President, if I may, I think we
should look on the positive side. What

have here is a brave but misguided group
of Americans who've gone right into

Canada and kicked some serious Canadian
butt.

Yeah, well, we got to do something.

We could send in the Omega Force.

Isn't that a bit drastic?

Sir.

The Helms Amendment and NSC Order 725
both specifically prohibit the use of a

megaforce against Caucasians. That's
right.

I guess if I were the president's male
secretary, I might read the Helms

Amendment that way.

What choice do we have, sir?

We have to take this sheriff out
immediately before this turns into a

war instead of the Cold War that we
wanted.

Mr. President.

Sheriff Boomer has become a national
idol. At a time when our people lack

heroes, yourself excluded, sir, it would
seem wise not to lose him. General, the

president should see this, sir.

Enraged by the imprisonment of hostage
honey and inspired by their hero, Bud

Boomer, U .S. citizens from coast to
coast are taking actions against

of Canadian birth and suspected Canadian
sympathizers.

Some Americans in other border towns
have followed Sheriff Boomer into Canada

with the hope of liberating that
country.

Everything I see or read about these
Canadians just makes me want to puke!

It's time we put America...

Mr. President, I believe we have no
choice but to remove Bud Boomer

Now.

Well, it's an idea.

Send in Omega Fourth.

Welcome to Canada.

Who are you?

That was totally unnecessary.

Where is Boomer?

I had an amazing hand.

Where is it?

We're coming, honey.

We're coming.

Hey, boom, how come you never let me
drive, man?

Just don't start with me, all right? The
black cat never gets to drive. It's not

because you're black, all right? Lots of
black guys, they drive all the time.

Well, give me an example.

What's his name? Danny Glover and
driving Miss, uh, what's her name?

Danny Glover did not drive Miss Daisy.
He drove Mel Gibson.

He did not drive Mel Gibson. That's
Eddie Murphy drives Mel Gibson.

Eddie Murphy driving it? No.

It's not.

Hey, guys.

I drove once.

Remember?

Oh, jeez. Oh, jeez.

Oh, jeez.

Maybe it's not us.

It's not us. It's not us.

It's us. It's us. He wants us. He wants
us. All right. All right.

We're pulling over. We're pulling over.

Hey, fellas, all right, just act normal,
all right? Act normal.

Not normal for us, normal like for
regular people.

Good day.

Hi.

May I see your license and registration,
please?

There you go.

Thank you.

Oh, Americans, welcome to Ontario,
sportsman's paradise.

Isn't it, though?

Would you please get out and step away
from the vehicle?

Okay.

What is wrong with this picture?

Um... Uh... No snow tires.

No. I was, uh, driving on the wrong side
of the road. I can explain that. You

see, I'm not used to your rules up here,
and I was... That's not it.

This writing on the side of your
vehicle.

Oh.

How did that get there? Those kids at
the garage, I just stopped for like...

Whatever.

My concern is the sensibilities of a
certain distinct and viable part of

Canadian society.

Les Québécois.

Huh? You know, wine drinkers.

Pea soup eaters.

French Canadians.

Oh, oh, yeah, those guys, sure. If you
wish to avoid prosecution, I would

that you comply with our language laws.

which specifically prescribe that all
signs be in both English and French,

Canada's two official languages.

Okay.

I do have to fine you. That'll be $1
,000 Canadian or $10 American dollars,

you prefer.

Oh, no, I'll pay the American there,
yeah.

There you go, buddy.

What do you want, $10?

Thank you very much. Here's your
receipt. Thank you.

And now...

In print, if you please.

Get well soon from Prime Minister Clark
McDonald.

Um,

get well, get well. Feel good. This
is... Best

wishes, Gordon Lightfoot.

Ew.

Ew! Ottawa!

So,

where up and around are we?

And how are we feeling today?

Aren't you two a little young to be
doctors?

Oh, we're not doctors. We're candy
stripers. Our universal health care

has determined that you don't actually
need a doctor until... 2006.

So until then, we're here to see that
you're comfortable and to give you a...

kidney transplant.

Hmm? No, that can't be right.

Check the paperwork.

If you catch a cold, there's some
aspirin in the cabin.

And thanks for hanging on to my American
-made assault weapon.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha,
ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha,
ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha,

ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha,
ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha,

ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha,
ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha,

ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha,

Hey, all right, that's enough, man.

You guys aren't thinking about hunting
at all, are you?

I'm worried sick.

You ever see The Dirty Dozen?

That was a cool movie.

Man, that was real cool.

Lee Marvin, Charles Bronson, Ernest
Borgnine, Jim Brown.

Uh, Patelli Savalas, Clint Walker. Jim
Brown.

Trini Lopez.

Cool. Trini Lopez. I never could figure
that one out, man. What in the hell was

he doing in the Dirty Dozen, man?

If I was putting together a group of
murderers and cutthroats, Trini Lopez

not be in the starting lineup.

That's why he dies first.

Yeah, don't they all die?

No, they all don't die. Jim Brown dies.

Hey, man, what do you expect?

Of all the Dirty Dozen, this black guy's
supposed to sneak in behind enemy lines

and pretend he was a kraut?

Huh? Uh -huh.

That's not it, man.

It's just the black guy always dies.

Think about it, man.

Unforgiven.

Alien, Rocky IV, The Shining, Star Trek
II, Forrest Gump, Witness,

Annie Hall.

Not Annie Hall.

Night of the Living Dead.

That's the one.

And what about that brother in Jurassic
Park, man?

Well, that was cool.

There was two black guys who died in
that one. That was a twofer. You must be

really pissed off at that one.

I'm telling you, man, the black guy
always dies first.

Don't worry, Cabral.

You'll pass for Canadian.

You know, you really do need help.

Oh, I need help. Yeah, you need help.
All right, knock it off with this dirty

dozen of stuff.

Did anyone see Dirty Dancing?

Woo!

That was a good movie.

program for total nuclear destruction.

Please enter your PIN code now.

You have reached the Hellstorm
Communication Center.

Please choose your missile launch site
from your on -screen menu.

Establishing contact with all U .S.
launch sites.

American missiles now under control of
the hacker Hellstorm.

Countdown ready to commence.

Hellstorm activated.

Thank God for technology.

Twelve hours to launch.

Any word, Omega Force, like where they
are? What the hell is that?

It's DEFCON 4, sir.

Wait, just remind me. What is DEFCON 4?

Defense Condition 4, sir. It means a
nuclear attack is imminent or the

I'm not quite sure. Imminent, sir.

There you go, imminent. Well, can't we
stop this?

The siren, sir, or nuclear change?
Either one.

Sir, our missile silos in southern Utah
have somehow become active.

Well, who ordered that?

That wasn't me, was it? No, I didn't
order that.

Can't you stop this?

General Panzer, where are those missiles
aimed?

Well, sir,

those ICBMs in southern Utah are
directed at

Moscow, sir. What?

Why would you aim missiles at an ally?

Well, sir, it seems that nearly all of
our missiles are...

directed at targets in the former Soviet
republics. Why the hell is that?

With all due respect, sir, your boys in
intelligence never could decide who was

a big enough threat to point those
babies elsewhere.

But let me clue you something, sir. You
can bet your ass if one of our birds

lands in the Ruskies' backyard, plenty
will be landing in ours.

I have just arrived here as part of the
Pentagon press corps.

There are some things we will not be
allowed to show you. But you can rest

assured that you will be getting all of
the information you need to know.

I am standing here in the middle and it
is...

For those of you with sons and daughters
up here,

I can only say that...

And that's about the only thing that has
been going wrong at this point.

The activation order appears to be
coming from Canada. How could Canada

our missiles?

Oh, shit. The hacker health storm. The
what?

The hacker health storm.

Sir, that's one of the programs you
canceled when you tried to balance the

budget. What is the hacker health storm?
Fargo.

In theory, it's an automatic nuclear
response system, sir.

Initiates a nuclear counter -strike all
on its own. I never liked it. It took

all the fun out of Armageddon. I'm glad
you canceled, you son of a bitch. How

did the Canadians get it? That's
classified.

Classified?

I'm the president.

How did Canada get it? Get on the phone.
I want to talk to Hacker right now.

My eyes.

There it is, men.

Toronto. It's beautiful.

Like no other city I've ever seen.

It's like Albany, only cleaner.

Wow.

Geez, how did they clean all those
windows?

Windex, dummy.

Where'd they get so many buildings?

It's the area.

Well, where is everybody? I don't like
this.

Me neither.

There's a kid up there.

Hey, hey, kid.

Kid, where is everybody?

The tower.

Tower? The Canadian National Tower.
There's some crazy American woman out

with a big gun.

Oh, thanks.

Crazy American lady with a gun.

Big Tony! Come on, fellas, let's go!

Now, the Canadians have a fully
functional and operational health storm.

thought what I sold them was not usable.

How the hell did I let you get me into
this?

Stewie. Oh, my money.

Why do you bother your head with this
kind of crap?

Maybe it's because you're an only child.

Or maybe it's because you're becoming
irrelevant.

Now, calm down, for Christ's sakes.

The Canadians cannot launch any
missiles.

No. Only I can.

Because I have the codes.

All of them.

And I'm in control.

So easy.

Missile countdown has started in Wyoming
and Montana.

All right, I want an answer.

Does Canada have the power to launch
America's nuclear weapons?

The hacker hailstorm can do that and a
lot more.

And if you hadn't canceled that
program...

the technology would still be in
American hands.

So you sold control of American missiles
to a foreign country?

Well, if you can call Canada for it.

Or a country.

When you canceled that program, you left
me standing there out of pocket $500

million.

You've got to make up for a shortfall
like that.

After all the billions he's made on
Uncle Sam.

Jesus. In a decent, God -fearing
country, I'd be allowed to beat the two

to death.

Scum like you that make a simple war all
screwed up and confusing.

It's people like us keep people like you
in business, General.

We're now registering missile activity
in Nevada.

All right, now I want to know.

Where exactly did you install this
Hellstorm thing?

Did you ever run an old possum up a
tree, Mr. President?

and find the highest branch you can.

Out of my way.

Excuse me.

Out of my way.

Out of my way.

Out of my way.

Out of my way.

All right.

You wait here. I'll be right back.

Get out of my way.

Now, you know that I built Hellstorm
number one. Yeah. But what you don't

is that I also built Hellstorm number
two. Two? What's that? What's two? It's

defend us against Hellstorm one, just in
case an enemy should ever acquire it.

I don't want to say that it's pure
genius. No, no, no. It's insane.

It's business.

And I can let you have it immediately,
but it won't be cheap.

It won't be cheap. I mean, how much will
it be?

One trillion dollars.

One trillion dollars? Well, that
includes a construct.

Mr. Hacker, you've got Uncle Sam by the
cojones.

But don't you have any patriotism, sir?

What about the Alamo?

The Halls of Matsuma?

Fans of Iwo Jima? The guns of Navarone?

Didn't you ever fantasize about the Duke
and the flying leathernecks?

Huh? I mean fantasize about being the
you, not fantasize about the you.

You know what I mean, sir.

30 minutes to launch.

Mr. President, we have a situation in
Uranus. Repeat, Uranus. In Utah, they

bumped their birds up to T -minus seven.

This is terrible.

I didn't understand a word of what he
said.

He said the missiles will launch in
seven minutes. Oh, my God.

God. Mr. President, you've got six
minutes to change. This is a mistake you

not want to make.

Negotiate with him. Give him what he
wants. No, wait, wait. Just give me a

second. One second.

Gentlemen, I intend to put some shoe
leather between me and Ground Zero.

Call me, Mr. President, when you decide
to give me the money. Wait a second.

Just one second. Hold on one second. I
don't understand something. Why would

Canadians try to start a war between us
and the Russians? I don't get that.

Hacker!

Hacker!

Hacker! Get on the phone. Give me
intelligence.

I need intelligence.

Canada's not launching those missiles.

You are!

You give me the money, and then I'll
turn it off. Give me the goddamn code.

I bet you're through.

Oh, my God.

Guards! Arrest Mr. Smiley!

What is it?

I got the code!

Mr.

Hacker? Mr. Hacker? I think this old
possum has bought the farm. E -I -E -I

What time?

Two, two, two. It really pains me to see
you this way. Oh, my kitty.

We'll torture him later. Get him out of
here.

What about the Russians?

Anybody gotten in touch with Moscow? We
got a warrant there. Your pal Vladimir

Kruskin, he was in briefly over lunch.
Count Akul, he was out, then installed

again. As a supper, he was still there.

would destroy any nation, even my own.
My president gave the order.

So you just say the word, sir, and we'll
do what we should have done in the

first place. We'll nuke the slimy panook
bastards. I mean it, sir. We'll wipe

their frigid goddamn country off the
map.

I can't kill America's neighbors.

I can.

I summer up there.

I understand, sir. Mr. President, we've
lost contact with the megaforce. Well,

that's it.

Moscow is about to light up hotter than
a pig roast on Flag Day. That'll

certainly guarantee a retaliatory
gesture against the United States. No

Get Prime Minister McDonald on the
phone. I'll give him anything he wants.

Got you.

This is the Acker Health Storm Weather
Forecasting Center.

One minute, 50 seconds to total
annihilation.

Have a nice day.

Mr. Prime Minister, I'm asking you to
stop it.

All right, now listen, now pay attention
to me, okay? I'm talking about the

hacker Hellstorm.

You got it, and you got to turn it off.

Clark, we can't turn it off. We've
tried. Yes, of course we've tried. We

turn it... He's putting his wife on.

Hi.

Uh, uh, écoutez.

About two years in high school and about
four years in college.

Well, thank you.

When will it end?

Clark,

are you listening to me?

Don't launch.

The rocket.

Our rocket. Don't launch them.

I'm giving up. You understand?

Whatever you want. You got it. You won.
You won. Don't play games with me,

Clark. You won.

Canuck Central.

T -minus 15 seconds.

The Canucks and hackers?

Ten seconds to launch.

Prepare to launch.

Park Lee, we're running out of time.

Don't lie tight.

We've got to get out of here. Hey, the
elevator. Come on.

Step out.

Now, this is what I call a health care.

Look, honey, home.

There it is.

Like I said.

Ha, ha.

Trust me.

Only in America Can a guy from anywhere

Go to sleep a pauper And wake up a
millionaire

Only in America Can a kid without a tent

Get a break and maybe

Be president.

Only in America.

Land of opportunity.

Could a boy who's nothing be something
and be everything?

Only in America can a kid who's washed
in cars take

a giant step and reach right up and
touch the...

Put a guy like...

Landon

to turn to green Snowbird sings a song
you always sing

And speaks to me of flowers that will
bloom again in spring

When I was young my heart was young then
too And anything that

it would tell me that's the thing that I
would do But now I feel such emptiness

within

And if I could, you know that I would.

And if I could, you know that I would.