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1
00:00:03,104 --> 00:00:05,539
( sucking through teeth )
2
00:00:13,114 --> 00:00:16,350
( sucking continues )
3
00:00:21,322 --> 00:00:23,091
Will you please
stop that?!
4
00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:25,993
I got a piece of popcorn
stuck in my teeth.
5
00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:27,195
So go brush them.
6
00:00:27,261 --> 00:00:28,196
I brushed them this morning.
7
00:00:28,262 --> 00:00:29,797
So go floss them.
8
00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:32,032
Oh, gross.
9
00:00:32,100 --> 00:00:33,801
( sucks through teeth )
10
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:35,203
Wait. I got it.
11
00:00:35,269 --> 00:00:38,038
No, that's chicken.
12
00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:41,342
When did we have chicken?
13
00:00:41,409 --> 00:00:43,377
You didn't really brush
this morning, did you?
14
00:00:43,444 --> 00:00:48,216
Between you and me, I lost
my toothbrush three days ago.
15
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:55,156
Still good.
16
00:00:56,690 --> 00:00:59,827
Hey, have you met any of
the ladies my dad's been dating?
17
00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:00,828
No. You?
18
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:03,297
No.
19
00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:08,001
More chicken?
20
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:11,572
Fingernail.
21
00:01:11,639 --> 00:01:13,441
Yours?
22
00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:16,377
I hope so.
23
00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:22,416
So, how come I don't get
to meet Dad's dates?
24
00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:25,286
I don't know. Maybe
'cause you're disgusting.
25
00:01:25,353 --> 00:01:28,189
No, come on, really.
26
00:01:28,256 --> 00:01:29,357
I'm not kidding.
27
00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:31,091
For most women,
you're a deal-breaker.
28
00:01:31,159 --> 00:01:33,494
But you used to say
I was a babe magnet.
29
00:01:33,561 --> 00:01:36,029
You used to be little and cute.
30
00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:39,867
Now you're just old
and in the way.
31
00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:43,003
That's very hurtful,
Uncle Charlie.
32
00:01:43,070 --> 00:01:44,772
All right, the truth
is that your dad
33
00:01:44,838 --> 00:01:47,175
doesn't want you to get attached
to any of these women
34
00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:49,377
in case the relationship
doesn't work out.
35
00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:50,077
Why?
36
00:01:50,144 --> 00:01:51,779
Because he loves
you very much,
37
00:01:51,845 --> 00:01:53,414
and he cares
about your feelings.
38
00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:55,949
You let me meet your dates.
39
00:01:56,016 --> 00:01:58,519
And what does that tell you?
40
00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:01,422
I have no idea.
41
00:02:03,324 --> 00:02:05,926
* Men, men, men, men,
manly, men, men, men *
42
00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:09,330
* Oh, oh
* Men... *
43
00:02:16,204 --> 00:02:17,638
ALAN:
Hello?
44
00:02:17,705 --> 00:02:19,807
Hey, Dad.
45
00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:21,775
What are you
doing up so late?
46
00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:23,277
Charlie,
what is he doing up?
47
00:02:23,344 --> 00:02:25,746
Shh, he's asleep.
48
00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:27,381
Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
49
00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:28,616
Charlie!
50
00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:29,750
What?!
51
00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:31,819
Oh, hey, Alan.
52
00:02:31,885 --> 00:02:33,754
What is he doing up so late?
53
00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:35,022
I told him to go to bed.
54
00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:36,590
How many times
did I tell you
55
00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:38,759
to go to bed?
Boy, I lost count.
56
00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:40,961
See?
57
00:02:41,028 --> 00:02:42,763
So how was your date?
58
00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:43,764
It was fine.
59
00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:46,900
Did you get any?
60
00:02:48,802 --> 00:02:51,839
Did I get any what?
61
00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:53,140
Hang on.
62
00:02:53,207 --> 00:02:54,575
What's he supposed to get?
63
00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:57,778
I swear, I don't know
what he's talking about.
64
00:02:57,845 --> 00:02:59,513
Go to bed!
65
00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:05,853
What are you teaching him?
66
00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:07,020
What difference does it make?
67
00:03:07,087 --> 00:03:10,891
The only thing he retains
is little shards of chicken.
68
00:03:11,992 --> 00:03:13,794
Wonderful.
69
00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:15,929
So, did you get any?
70
00:03:15,996 --> 00:03:16,830
It was a nice evening.
71
00:03:16,897 --> 00:03:17,998
We had a lovely dinner.
72
00:03:18,065 --> 00:03:19,300
You know, for the record,
73
00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:21,402
"a lovely dinner"
doesn't necessarily preclude
74
00:03:21,469 --> 00:03:23,637
carpet burns
and a bite mark on your ass.
75
00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:26,640
In this case, it was just dinner
and pleasant conversation.
76
00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:30,778
Well, that's why God gave us
Cinemax and an opposable thumb.
77
00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:35,983
Good night.
78
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:37,385
Oh, hey, Alan.
79
00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:39,253
The kid was asking
about these women
80
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:40,921
you've been going out
with, why he never
81
00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:42,490
gets to meet any of them.
82
00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:44,392
Really? Uh, what...
what did you tell him?
83
00:03:44,458 --> 00:03:47,194
I said it's probably because
he's disgusting.
84
00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:48,496
Oh, Charlie...
85
00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:50,163
I also told him
that you love him
86
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,600
and that you don't want him
to get attached to somebody
87
00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:54,835
and then be disappointed
if things don't work out.
88
00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:56,370
Good. Thank you.
89
00:03:56,437 --> 00:03:58,238
But how come
I don't get to meet them?
90
00:03:58,306 --> 00:04:00,341
'Cause you're disgusting.
91
00:04:02,042 --> 00:04:04,978
That's very hurtful, Alan.
92
00:04:05,045 --> 00:04:06,347
Come on, really.
93
00:04:06,414 --> 00:04:07,915
What's the big secret
94
00:04:07,981 --> 00:04:09,350
with these women?
95
00:04:09,417 --> 00:04:11,619
Oh, boy, I-I really
don't want to get into it.
96
00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:13,387
They're hideous, right?
No.
97
00:04:13,454 --> 00:04:14,855
Insufferable?
No.
98
00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:17,090
Inflatable?
99
00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:19,126
Are you insane?
100
00:04:19,192 --> 00:04:21,028
Ooh, insane.
Are they insane?
101
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,963
Leave me alone.
102
00:04:23,030 --> 00:04:24,097
Come on, give me a hint.
103
00:04:24,164 --> 00:04:25,566
When you go to
pick them up,
104
00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:29,069
do you need a border collie
to cut them off from the herd?
105
00:04:29,136 --> 00:04:30,504
Stop it!
106
00:04:30,571 --> 00:04:32,105
I'm never going
to stop, Alan.
107
00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:34,041
You know me
better than that.
108
00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:35,075
Okay, fine.
109
00:04:35,142 --> 00:04:36,209
I'll-I'll tell you.
110
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:38,779
First of all,
there's no women.
111
00:04:38,846 --> 00:04:39,680
Imaginary!
112
00:04:39,747 --> 00:04:42,149
My next guess was
gonna be imaginary.
113
00:04:42,215 --> 00:04:45,052
Let me finish.
114
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,420
It's just one woman.
115
00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:48,822
I've been seeing the same woman
for several weeks now.
116
00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:49,723
I see.
117
00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:51,592
You've been
playing it slow.
Yes.
118
00:04:51,659 --> 00:04:54,127
And by "slow,"
I mean "gay."
119
00:04:54,194 --> 00:04:57,998
I can't talk to you
about this.
120
00:04:58,065 --> 00:05:00,768
Alan, you hook a fish
and play it too long,
121
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:02,336
you know what you're
gonna finally have
122
00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:03,904
when you reel it in?
What?
123
00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:06,774
A tired fish that
thinks you're gay.
124
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:10,277
Do you drink while you're
baby-sitting my son?
125
00:05:10,344 --> 00:05:12,813
Not at first,
but he wears me down.
126
00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:16,149
So, what's the deal
with this broad?
127
00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:18,118
She's not a broad.
128
00:05:18,185 --> 00:05:21,254
( sighs )
129
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:22,923
It's Judith.
130
00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:24,124
Your ex-wife?
131
00:05:24,191 --> 00:05:25,225
Yep.
132
00:05:25,292 --> 00:05:26,827
Okay. Okay,
that's not fair.
133
00:05:26,894 --> 00:05:30,330
You said "no" to
insufferable and insane.
134
00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:31,432
Very funny.
135
00:05:31,499 --> 00:05:33,033
Are you serious?
136
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:36,537
And by "serious," I mean
dumber than a bag of doorknobs.
137
00:05:36,604 --> 00:05:38,839
Look, we went out to dinner
a couple of weeks ago
138
00:05:38,906 --> 00:05:40,774
to talk about getting Jake
into a good middle school,
139
00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:43,076
and before you know it,
we were laughing and...
140
00:05:43,143 --> 00:05:43,644
and having a great time.
141
00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:45,178
Well, I can see the humor
142
00:05:45,245 --> 00:05:49,683
in trying to get the little
bonehead into a good school.
143
00:05:49,750 --> 00:05:52,420
But that doesn't mean you
start dating your ex-wife.
144
00:05:52,486 --> 00:05:53,487
I-I know what you're thinking.
145
00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:55,288
I'm being naive,
and romantic, and...
146
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:57,425
Not even close!
147
00:05:57,491 --> 00:05:58,892
Charlie, you can't overlook
148
00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:00,894
the fact that we still
have a lot in common.
149
00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:03,964
Yeah, neither of you have
any respect for you.
150
00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:08,702
The point is, she wants to give
it another try, and so do I.
151
00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:10,203
But we can't let Jake know
152
00:06:10,270 --> 00:06:12,540
because we don't want him
to get his hopes up.
153
00:06:12,606 --> 00:06:14,508
Oh, buddy, why don't you just
154
00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:18,045
take an electric sander
to your testicles?
155
00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:22,382
We're both adults,
we are aware of the pitfalls,
156
00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:24,485
and we think
it's worth the risk.
157
00:06:24,552 --> 00:06:26,186
( sighs )
158
00:06:26,253 --> 00:06:27,721
Okay, fine.
159
00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:30,323
I wish you both
nothing but happiness.
160
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:31,425
Thank you.
161
00:06:31,492 --> 00:06:32,793
( mimics electric sander )
162
00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:42,636
* Men... *
163
00:06:50,444 --> 00:06:51,612
Hello.
164
00:06:51,679 --> 00:06:54,548
ALL:
Hello.
165
00:06:55,449 --> 00:06:56,917
What's going on?
166
00:06:56,984 --> 00:06:58,586
Sit down, Alan.
167
00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:00,454
We need to talk.
168
00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:02,923
Yeah, well, uh... listen,
I'd love to,
169
00:07:02,990 --> 00:07:06,594
but I've got to wake up Jake
so that we can...
170
00:07:08,896 --> 00:07:10,964
Let him sleep.
171
00:07:12,666 --> 00:07:14,401
Am I getting whacked?
172
00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:17,871
It was discussed,
but I was overruled.
173
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:21,675
Sit down.
174
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:28,281
Alan, we're all here
because we love you.
175
00:07:28,348 --> 00:07:31,919
And we don't want to see you
make a terrible mistake.
176
00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:35,656
I'm just waiting
for my toaster strudel to pop.
177
00:07:37,691 --> 00:07:39,359
( toaster dings )
178
00:07:39,426 --> 00:07:40,628
There we go.
179
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:44,665
You told on me.
180
00:07:44,732 --> 00:07:46,166
Hey, you wouldn't
listen to reason,
181
00:07:46,233 --> 00:07:50,571
so now you're going
to listen to Mom.
182
00:07:50,638 --> 00:07:52,139
Alan, sweetheart,
183
00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:55,375
you know I only want
the best for you, right?
184
00:07:55,442 --> 00:07:56,944
Uh...
185
00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:59,012
I do!
186
00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:03,150
I do.
187
00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:04,985
Which is why, when
Judith threw you out,
188
00:08:05,052 --> 00:08:06,820
I was right there
supporting you.
189
00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:08,956
You had other options?
190
00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:09,990
Don't be naive.
191
00:08:10,057 --> 00:08:11,592
I could have
sucked up to Judith
192
00:08:11,659 --> 00:08:13,727
in order to have more
access to my grandson.
193
00:08:13,794 --> 00:08:16,163
But, no, I burned
that bridge.
194
00:08:16,229 --> 00:08:19,432
I said horrible things to her
that I can never take back.
195
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:20,868
And, keep in mind,
this is a woman
196
00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:24,705
who worked the phrase "mousy
bitch" into her wedding toast.
197
00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:33,380
So, if you two reconcile,
I'll have to apologize to her.
198
00:08:33,446 --> 00:08:34,347
So?
199
00:08:34,414 --> 00:08:37,718
I'd rather kill us all.
200
00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:40,120
Okay.
201
00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:41,488
Moving on.
202
00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:44,457
Rose, do you have something
you'd like to say to Alan?
203
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,293
Yes, thank you.
204
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:51,131
Alan, when I first met you,
I didn't care for you at all.
205
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:54,635
You were a fussy,
whiny control freak.
206
00:08:58,205 --> 00:09:01,208
Yes, and-and now?
207
00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:02,475
Oh.
208
00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:04,745
Now it doesn't bother me
so much.
209
00:09:04,812 --> 00:09:07,280
CHARLIE:
I think what Rose means
210
00:09:07,347 --> 00:09:08,749
is that, since the divorce,
211
00:09:08,816 --> 00:09:10,150
you've grown,
you've been reborn.
212
00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:11,885
ROSE:
That's not
what I meant.
213
00:09:11,952 --> 00:09:15,923
If that was what I meant,
that's what I would've said.
214
00:09:15,989 --> 00:09:17,625
Sorry.
215
00:09:17,691 --> 00:09:20,260
Yeah, you'll get your turn.
216
00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:22,696
Okay.
217
00:09:22,763 --> 00:09:26,600
Alan, life is all about
moving on.
218
00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,335
Now, in the animal kingdom,
219
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:33,040
sharks move forward
while crabs move sideways.
220
00:09:33,106 --> 00:09:35,609
So the question you
have to ask yourself is,
221
00:09:35,676 --> 00:09:39,647
are you a shark or a crab?
222
00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:44,885
Which way do sea monkeys move?
223
00:09:44,952 --> 00:09:46,787
( doorbell rings )
224
00:09:46,854 --> 00:09:48,689
Okay, that's Judith.
225
00:09:48,756 --> 00:09:50,724
Now, I thank you
for your concern,
226
00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:52,325
but, uh, I would appreciate it
227
00:09:52,392 --> 00:09:56,964
if nobody said anything and
everybody just stayed out of it.
228
00:09:58,632 --> 00:10:02,269
( chuckles ):
Yeah, right.
229
00:10:02,335 --> 00:10:03,403
Hey, Mom.
Hi, honey.
230
00:10:03,470 --> 00:10:04,337
Why aren't you dressed?
231
00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:06,273
Alan, I told you
I was picking him up early.
232
00:10:06,339 --> 00:10:07,374
Why isn't he ready?
233
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:08,341
Go get dressed.
I'm sorry.
234
00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:09,376
Yeah, you're always sorry,
235
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:12,646
but I'm always the one
who has to play the bad guy.
236
00:10:12,713 --> 00:10:13,814
Damn it, Alan...
Okay, he's gone.
237
00:10:13,881 --> 00:10:16,549
I was thinking about you
last night.
238
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:18,585
Really? What were
you thinking?
239
00:10:18,652 --> 00:10:21,121
Just what a nice time I had.
240
00:10:21,188 --> 00:10:22,856
Yes, yes, it was.
241
00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:30,197
Alan?
242
00:10:30,263 --> 00:10:32,399
Uh-huh.
243
00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:41,709
Turn around.
244
00:10:41,775 --> 00:10:43,510
ALL:
Hi, Judith.
245
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:46,446
Hello. How are you?
246
00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:47,981
ALL:
Fine.
247
00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:50,250
Bye, everybody.
248
00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:52,152
ALL:
Bye, Jake.
249
00:10:52,219 --> 00:10:53,754
Bye-bye.
250
00:10:53,821 --> 00:10:56,389
ALL:
Good-bye.
251
00:10:58,525 --> 00:10:59,760
Thanks for staying out of it.
252
00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:02,629
ALL:
You're welcome.
253
00:11:02,696 --> 00:11:04,865
* Men... *
254
00:11:06,734 --> 00:11:07,500
I got a surprise for you.
255
00:11:07,567 --> 00:11:08,468
ALAN:
Can it wait?
256
00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:09,770
Jake forgot
his math book.
257
00:11:09,837 --> 00:11:11,371
I'm going to run it
over to Judith's.
258
00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:13,406
No, no, no, no, no, you
can't go to Judith's.
259
00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:15,508
The surprise is ready now.
260
00:11:15,575 --> 00:11:17,344
Okay. What is it?
261
00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:21,048
Ta-da!
262
00:11:21,749 --> 00:11:22,750
Oh, for God's sake.
263
00:11:22,816 --> 00:11:25,452
Wait, there's more.
264
00:11:30,390 --> 00:11:31,759
Twins, Alan!
265
00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:32,926
I got 'em for you,
266
00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:34,461
but you can share
if you want.
267
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,029
Charlie, no.
268
00:11:36,096 --> 00:11:38,265
Fine, you can
have them both.
269
00:11:38,331 --> 00:11:41,334
Bad luck to split
sisters anyway.
270
00:11:41,401 --> 00:11:43,303
I don't want either of 'em.
I'm going over to Judith's.
271
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:46,439
I don't think
you're getting the
full picture here.
272
00:11:46,506 --> 00:11:47,040
Turn around!
273
00:11:47,107 --> 00:11:48,909
Show him the
full picture!
274
00:11:50,744 --> 00:11:52,445
Huh? Huh?
275
00:11:52,512 --> 00:11:56,817
That's daily Pilates classes
and one meal a month.
276
00:11:57,918 --> 00:11:59,419
I'll see you later.
277
00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:00,353
Are you sure?
278
00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:02,322
Even put together, these
girls aren't as old
279
00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:03,423
as your ex-wife.
280
00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:05,926
Bye.
281
00:12:07,027 --> 00:12:09,362
Oh, for the love of God.
282
00:12:09,429 --> 00:12:11,765
Stop turning!
283
00:12:11,832 --> 00:12:14,734
Show's over!
284
00:12:14,802 --> 00:12:16,636
( whispering ):
Isn't he adorable?
285
00:12:16,703 --> 00:12:18,005
ALAN:
Yeah.
286
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:20,307
When's he's sleeping,
he's like a little angel.
287
00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:21,541
Uh-huh.
288
00:12:21,608 --> 00:12:24,044
( breaks wind )
289
00:12:27,781 --> 00:12:29,416
I was planning to
have a glass of wine
290
00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:31,852
and sit in the hot tub
before you came over.
291
00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:32,853
Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
292
00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:34,587
I just wanted to be sure
he got the book.
293
00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:35,488
I'll get out of your way.
294
00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:37,224
Alan, would you
like to join me?
295
00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:39,827
Oh, well, uh,
I didn't bring a bathing suit.
296
00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:42,629
You don't need
a bathing suit.
297
00:12:42,695 --> 00:12:44,497
Okay.
298
00:12:45,933 --> 00:12:47,500
Have you been keeping up
the chlorine treatments?
299
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:49,202
'Cause, you know,
without a bathing suit,
300
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:52,305
you're just inviting algae
into your privates.
301
00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:57,310
I like the, uh... the
new patio furniture.
302
00:12:57,377 --> 00:12:58,078
Thanks.
303
00:12:58,145 --> 00:12:59,779
What is that,
uh, uh, redwood?
304
00:12:59,847 --> 00:13:00,848
Teak.
305
00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:02,082
Whoa, teak.
306
00:13:02,149 --> 00:13:04,651
That must have set
me back a few bucks.
307
00:13:04,717 --> 00:13:07,587
The salesman said it would pay
for itself in five years.
308
00:13:07,654 --> 00:13:08,621
Oh, really? Really?
309
00:13:08,688 --> 00:13:10,057
How-how's it
going to do that?
310
00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:12,792
Is it going to
get a paper route?
311
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,462
It's very nice.
312
00:13:15,528 --> 00:13:16,329
Thank you.
313
00:13:16,396 --> 00:13:18,631
Uh, of course, it's,
uh, going to require
314
00:13:18,698 --> 00:13:20,100
a lot of upkeep.
315
00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:23,003
Um, actually, all
wood that's outside
316
00:13:23,070 --> 00:13:24,604
requires upkeep...
317
00:13:24,671 --> 00:13:26,639
except trees.
318
00:13:26,706 --> 00:13:28,976
They seem to
have it down.
319
00:13:29,042 --> 00:13:31,011
Alan, are you nervous?
320
00:13:31,078 --> 00:13:31,979
Yeah, a-a little.
321
00:13:32,045 --> 00:13:33,180
I mean, uh...
322
00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:35,515
we've been separated
for two years.
323
00:13:35,582 --> 00:13:40,220
I haven't seen you
naked for four...
324
00:13:40,287 --> 00:13:42,089
except, you know,
that-that one time
325
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:44,691
I walked in on you
on the toilet, um...
326
00:13:44,757 --> 00:13:47,127
Shh...
327
00:13:48,261 --> 00:13:50,263
JAKE:
Mom, you out there?
328
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:52,399
( whispering ):
Oh, my God, what
are we going to do?!
329
00:13:52,465 --> 00:13:53,566
Take a deep breath.
330
00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:55,235
What?
331
00:13:55,936 --> 00:13:57,070
I'm thirsty.
332
00:13:57,137 --> 00:13:58,205
Uh, so have something
to drink.
333
00:13:58,271 --> 00:13:59,806
There's no more
Goofy Juice.
334
00:13:59,873 --> 00:14:01,508
So have some water.
335
00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:03,010
Fine.
336
00:14:04,411 --> 00:14:06,313
( gasping )
337
00:14:06,379 --> 00:14:07,647
Hey, Mom?
338
00:14:07,714 --> 00:14:09,883
What?!
339
00:14:10,884 --> 00:14:12,152
I'm hungry, too.
340
00:14:12,219 --> 00:14:13,286
Can you make me
a sandwich?
341
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:15,355
No. Have your drink
and go to bed.
342
00:14:15,422 --> 00:14:17,357
Fine.
343
00:14:18,892 --> 00:14:20,227
( gasping )
344
00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:22,162
JAKE:
Mom?
345
00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:24,364
How about a cookie?
346
00:14:24,431 --> 00:14:26,299
Uh, you already brushed
your teeth.
347
00:14:26,366 --> 00:14:27,067
No, I didn't.
348
00:14:27,134 --> 00:14:28,435
You said you did.
349
00:14:28,501 --> 00:14:29,336
I always say that.
350
00:14:29,402 --> 00:14:32,272
Well, then brush them
and go to bed.
351
00:14:32,339 --> 00:14:34,107
Fine.
352
00:14:38,979 --> 00:14:40,380
( gasping )
353
00:14:45,785 --> 00:14:47,254
Are you okay?
354
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:51,058
There was a bright light,
and I saw my dead grandma.
355
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,627
She seemed happy.
356
00:14:54,694 --> 00:14:56,496
Here, have a little wine.
357
00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,631
Thank you. Thank you.
358
00:14:58,698 --> 00:14:59,799
That was close.
359
00:14:59,866 --> 00:15:02,269
Oh, relax, he...
he didn't see you.
360
00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:04,171
And what if he comes back?
361
00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:05,205
Maybe I should go.
362
00:15:05,272 --> 00:15:08,575
Or we could go upstairs
and get in bed.
363
00:15:09,476 --> 00:15:12,445
Bed? Our old bed?
364
00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:12,946
My new bed.
365
00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:13,947
Oh.
366
00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:15,382
What was wrong
with the old one?
367
00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:16,416
Too many memories.
368
00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:18,218
Of what?
You pretending to sleep
369
00:15:18,285 --> 00:15:21,354
and me watching
Letterman?
370
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,723
Alan, do you really want
to have this conversation?
371
00:15:23,790 --> 00:15:24,891
No, I don't,
but apparently
372
00:15:24,958 --> 00:15:27,127
my mouth has a
mind of its own.
373
00:15:27,194 --> 00:15:29,296
Well, let's put your mouth
to better use.
374
00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:33,066
I can't go back
underwater, Judith.
375
00:15:37,537 --> 00:15:38,838
Hey, Charlie?
376
00:15:38,905 --> 00:15:39,806
Yeah?
377
00:15:39,872 --> 00:15:42,342
Not that it's
any of my business,
378
00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:44,077
but I couldn't help noticing
the matched set
379
00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:47,480
of rotating floozies
on your deck earlier.
380
00:15:47,547 --> 00:15:48,448
They were for Alan.
381
00:15:48,515 --> 00:15:50,417
I was trying to get his mind
off of Judith.
382
00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:54,421
With a night of meaningless,
impersonal group sex?
383
00:15:54,487 --> 00:15:56,889
What a good brother.
384
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:59,792
No, no. A good brother
gets him a couple of girls.
385
00:15:59,859 --> 00:16:04,697
It takes a great brother to get
him two from the same egg.
386
00:16:04,764 --> 00:16:06,799
You know...
387
00:16:06,866 --> 00:16:10,370
there is a possibility
that we were wrong about this.
388
00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:12,772
Maybe Alan and Judith
can work things out.
389
00:16:12,839 --> 00:16:16,409
Maybe, but if they do,
what happens to Jake?
390
00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:17,577
He grows up in a happy home
391
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:20,180
with a mommy and daddy
who love each other.
392
00:16:20,247 --> 00:16:22,515
Yeah, but what about me?
393
00:16:23,450 --> 00:16:25,652
It's too late for you, Charlie.
394
00:16:25,718 --> 00:16:29,089
No, I mean, what
happens to me and Jake?
395
00:16:29,156 --> 00:16:30,557
I'll never
get to see him.
396
00:16:30,623 --> 00:16:33,760
Aw, you really love
the little guy, huh?
397
00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:37,630
Yeah, I guess I do.
398
00:16:37,697 --> 00:16:40,067
Love hurts, Rose.
399
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:42,102
Yes, it does.
400
00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:44,637
Especially when you've given
your heart to someone
401
00:16:44,704 --> 00:16:46,506
who barely knows you exist,
402
00:16:46,573 --> 00:16:51,344
who insists on plowing
through strange, stupid women
403
00:16:51,411 --> 00:16:53,513
who could never love him
the way you do,
404
00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:57,484
leaving you to stand outside,
alone in the night,
405
00:16:57,550 --> 00:17:01,154
wishing with all your heart
that he would come to his senses
406
00:17:01,221 --> 00:17:05,725
and realize that
his true happiness lies
with you and no one else,
407
00:17:05,792 --> 00:17:09,362
but knowing all the while
that it'll never happen
408
00:17:09,429 --> 00:17:14,267
because he's a selfish,
immature, heartless jerk!
409
00:17:17,937 --> 00:17:20,340
I mean...
410
00:17:20,407 --> 00:17:22,175
poor baby.
411
00:17:26,679 --> 00:17:29,282
Okay, I'm going to
stick my neck out here
412
00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:31,851
and say that was the
best sex we ever had.
413
00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:32,952
I agree.
414
00:17:33,019 --> 00:17:34,821
Not that it wasn't
good before...
415
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:36,423
It wasn't.
416
00:17:37,124 --> 00:17:40,927
Okay. Granted.
417
00:17:40,993 --> 00:17:43,930
Which raises
the question...
418
00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:46,533
Why is it so much better now?
419
00:17:46,599 --> 00:17:47,634
Does it matter?
420
00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:48,901
No, not-not really.
421
00:17:48,968 --> 00:17:50,737
I mean, just-just curious.
422
00:17:50,803 --> 00:17:52,505
I mean, I, uh...
423
00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:55,442
I noticed, uh, some
new moves on your part,
424
00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:57,177
and I can't
help wondering
425
00:17:57,244 --> 00:17:59,011
where you might
have picked them up.
426
00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:00,247
Are you saying you haven't been
427
00:18:00,313 --> 00:18:01,714
with other women
in the last two years?
428
00:18:01,781 --> 00:18:03,416
Oh, no, no, I-I've
been with other women.
429
00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:05,952
I just didn't
learn anything.
430
00:18:06,018 --> 00:18:07,254
You, on the other hand,
431
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:09,422
have an entirely new
sexual repertoire,
432
00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:11,258
including a-a
couple of numbers
433
00:18:11,324 --> 00:18:14,461
I repeatedly requested
when we were married.
434
00:18:14,527 --> 00:18:17,029
Alan...
And by "requested,"
I mean "begged."
435
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:19,031
Please don't go there.
436
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:20,433
Oh. Now, see,
that's, uh...
437
00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:22,869
that's what I'm
used to hearing
from you in bed.
438
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,171
"Don't go there."
439
00:18:24,237 --> 00:18:26,173
"Ooh, don't touch that."
440
00:18:26,239 --> 00:18:29,876
"Leave that alone.
It's not a toy."
441
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:30,643
So I've changed.
442
00:18:30,710 --> 00:18:32,145
I would think
that you would be happy.
443
00:18:32,212 --> 00:18:34,681
Well, I was...
very happy,
444
00:18:34,747 --> 00:18:36,649
but then I started
to think about it,
445
00:18:36,716 --> 00:18:39,886
and there's no reason you
couldn't have changed with me.
446
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:42,121
Oh, please.
I mean, I gave
you every chance.
447
00:18:42,189 --> 00:18:43,690
I-I bought tickets
to sex seminars.
448
00:18:43,756 --> 00:18:47,026
I-I brought home books
and tapes and accessories,
449
00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:48,395
and-and-and what happened?
450
00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:50,930
I sat right here reading
and watching by myself
451
00:18:50,997 --> 00:18:54,234
while eating low-fat love jelly
straight out of the tube.
452
00:18:54,301 --> 00:18:56,769
Okay, I can see
this was a bad idea.
No, no.
453
00:18:56,836 --> 00:18:58,938
The bad idea was sitting
in that filthy hot tub
454
00:18:59,005 --> 00:18:59,739
without a bathing suit.
455
00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:02,074
I can feel mushrooms
growing in my crack
456
00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:03,009
as we speak.
457
00:19:03,075 --> 00:19:04,244
Just go home, Alan.
458
00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:05,278
Hey, we're not married
anymore.
459
00:19:05,345 --> 00:19:06,746
You can't tell me
what to do.
460
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:09,216
JAKE:
Hey, Mom, does
this look infected?
461
00:19:09,282 --> 00:19:10,617
Okay, bye.
462
00:19:13,286 --> 00:19:14,821
( bushes rustling )
463
00:19:16,356 --> 00:19:19,926
It's okay.
I didn't see anything.
464
00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:22,262
* Men... *
465
00:19:24,431 --> 00:19:27,700
( door opening and closing )
466
00:19:39,446 --> 00:19:41,314
Hey.
467
00:19:43,883 --> 00:19:44,817
Hey.
468
00:19:48,288 --> 00:19:50,957
What are you watching?
469
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:53,493
Soft-core porn.
470
00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:57,163
Sound's not on.
471
00:19:57,230 --> 00:20:00,433
I don't need
to hear 'em.
472
00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:03,336
Aren't those the-the twins
from the deck?
473
00:20:03,403 --> 00:20:05,305
Too late now, Alan.
474
00:20:05,372 --> 00:20:07,774
You could have been delivering
that pizza.
475
00:20:12,111 --> 00:20:14,881
So, how's Judith?
476
00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:19,051
Fine. She got
some new patio furniture.
477
00:20:19,118 --> 00:20:20,520
That's nice.
478
00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:21,354
Teak.
479
00:20:21,421 --> 00:20:24,424
Put in some rosebushes, too.
480
00:20:24,491 --> 00:20:25,658
How about that?
481
00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:29,896
And I think the neighbors
got a new dog.
482
00:20:29,962 --> 00:20:30,697
Huh.
483
00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:33,600
A mean dog.
484
00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:38,438
Really?
485
00:20:38,505 --> 00:20:41,341
Might have been a coyote.
486
00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:45,678
Mm-hmm.
487
00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:46,613
Hard to say.
488
00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:50,917
It was dark,
and I was crying.
489
00:20:54,521 --> 00:20:55,888
Anything else?
490
00:20:55,955 --> 00:20:56,756
No.
491
00:20:56,823 --> 00:21:00,627
Oh, yeah, um...
I saw our dead grandmother.
492
00:21:00,693 --> 00:21:01,828
Where?
493
00:21:01,894 --> 00:21:03,430
In the hot tub.
494
00:21:03,496 --> 00:21:04,431
( car horn honks )
495
00:21:04,497 --> 00:21:07,634
Oh, that's the cab.
496
00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:10,537
Ooh, could you, uh,
lend me 60 bucks?
497
00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:14,907
Uh, I don't have
my wallet on me.
498
00:21:16,776 --> 00:21:18,711
Sure.
499
00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:22,281
Oh. Thank you.
500
00:21:27,887 --> 00:21:32,492
Huh. I suddenly have
a craving for pizza.
33626
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