All language subtitles for All in the Family - S02E23 - Archie Is Jealous

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ gee, our old
lasalle ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪♪

Uh-huh, yeah. All right. Bye.

Gloria, we'd better
set the table for dinner.

-00.

It really makes a person wonder.
It really makes you wonder. What?

Well, that was Mrs.
bellini on the phone.

You remember her 22-year-old son
Paul, the one that lives in California?

Well, a person can't even call
his own home his own home no more.

- Ma, what happened?
- He was just evicted
from his Volkswagen bus.

You check the stew and
I'll get the salad. Okay.

What are you reading? Oh, I'm just
reading some old love letters...

That Michael sent me before
we were married. That's nice.

Oh, I see you keep your love
letters in an old cigar box.

Dutch masters.

I keep my buttons in white owl.

You get the
silverware, Gloria. Okay.

Hey, ma. Do you ever read any of
the love letters daddy sent you?

- No.
- Why not?

He never sent me none.

Wait a minute, I take that back.

Once when he was visiting his cousin
in Newark, he sent me a postcard.

What did the card say, ma?

It said, "dear Edith, how
is the weather there?

It's raining here in Newark.
Yours truly, Archie bunker."

- I think that's awful.
- So do I. That's why
I like living here.

It don't rain so much.

No, ma. I mean I think it's awful
you never got a love letter.

Oh, I didn't say I never
got a love letter.

When I first started
going with your father,

I was still going with a
boy named Freddy withausen.

I got one from him.

Did you like it, ma? Oh, yeah.

He was quite a catch. He
had a real important job.

He worked for the highway
department as a hot tar watcher.

A what watcher? His
job was to watch them...

Pour the hot tar
on the street...

And make sure it was even before
the steam roller went over it.

He sure doesn't sound like someone
who'd send a girl a love letter.

Oh, I don't know about that.

A man who watches hot
tar all day must dream a lot.

You know what, Gloria?

In his letter he called
me his goddess of beauty.

How come you married
daddy instead of him?

Well, I liked being called
a goddess of beauty.

But somehow it seemed
more permanent...

When your father
called me a dingbat.

Hey, ma. I bet you still got
Freddy's love letter though, huh?

Oh, no. I burned it. Oh, your
father was so jealous of him.

If he ever found that letter...

Edith, I'm home.

At least I think I'm home.
Maybe this ain't my home.

What do you mean, Archie?
No, no. Hold it. I mean it's 6:00 P.M.

I just come through the dining room
there. The table ain't set for supper.

Oh, I'm sorry. Me and
Gloria got to talking.

What do I look like, one
of them Broadway dudes...

Or high-society guys that
eat late, maybe 6:15, 6:20?

I'm sorry, daddy. It's my
fault. I'll set the table.

Here, let me take
your coat and hat.

I'll help Gloria set the
table if you'll stir the stew.

Aw, come on. What is this?
I come home from work...

What the hell is this here?

"My dearest darling..."

Aw, geez, this is awful.

Hey, arch. I brought some
apple pie home for dessert.

I'll just stick it in the oven
here and heat it up. Hold it. Hold it.

You don't need the
oven for that there.

Why, what are you talking about?

I'm talking about this. I quote from
the writings of Michael stivic meathead.

"My dearest darling Gloria,
whenever I kiss your soft sweet lips,

my mouth is inflamed by
the consuming fires of love."

You don't need the oven for that.
You can heat it with your flaming mouth.

Where did you get that? It don't
make no difference where I get this.

This proves to me that you took advantage
of my little girl. Here. Read that.

Is that all?

Gloria and I spent a weekend in
Massachusetts. What's the big deal?

The big deal is the
date on this here letter.

That's long before
youse two was married.

What's the difference? We're married
now, aren't we? That's no excuse, meathead.

Give me that. No way.
Hey, give me that back.

Hey. Whatever you're doing, stop here.
I want you to take a look at this here.

You know what this
means? It means that

your daughter here
before she was married...

Well, I ain't gonna soil
your ears by even saying it.

Just read it yourself. Go ahead. Daddy,
you were reading my letters. How could you?

It wasn't easy with all
the pornography in there.

Arch, that weekend we just went to
an outdoor concert up there. That's all.

Besides, it happened over two years
ago. What are you so shocked about?

Hold it. I ain't the only one
that's shocked here and bereaved.

Look at the shock... look in
your mother-in-law's face.

Oh.

Oh, this is so sweet. "And now my
dearest darling..." Don't read it.

I know what's in it.

Don't that bother you that your
daughter was involved in a thing like that?

I always trusted Gloria.

So did I. But I never trusted
the flaming polock here.

Hey! Hey! Never call me
that. That's what you are!

Daddy, someday you're
gonna go too far with Michael.

Me going too far with
him ain't the problem here.

And look at you standing
there, the mother of her.

You look about as
worried as a dead bird.

Daddy, why should she worry now? She
wasn't worried about it when it happened.

Because when it happened it...

Oh.

She wasn't worried
when it happened, huh?

- Because she knew that it
happened at the time, right?
- Daddy, don't blame ma.

She didn't tell you about it
'cause she didn't want you to worry.

Oh, she didn't want me to worry. The
two of youse was all upset about me, huh?

Ain't that nice?

What the hell kind
of banana oil is that?

You don't tell me nothing
around here. Everything is a secret.

Archie, I didn't tell you about it
because you would've just get upset.

Yeah, and spoil
our whole weekend.

That kind of a weekend
ought to be spoiled.

Archie, it seemed all right at the
time for her to go on the weekend.

All the kids was doing it.

That's my point, Edith.
All the kids was doing it.

And you still stood
still for that there?

Do you mean to tell me the fact that
two people go away on a weekend...

Don't spell something fishy?

Oh, no. That ain't
always true, Archie.

That weekend I spent with Freddy
withausen there was nothing fishy.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Weekend that you...

Wait a minute. Get out of here.

You spent the weekend
with Freddy withausen?

The hot tar watcher?

How did you know? You
wasn't even born then.

Nothing happened, Archie.

We just went up to a little
cabin his parents had in the woods.

In the woods?

What did you do
up there? Nothing.

Oh, nothing.

Would you have went up to a
little cabin in the woods with me?

I guess so. What for?

'Cause you asked me.
Oh, 'cause I asked you.

And then Freddy asked you.
How many other people asked you?

How many little cabins in the
woods you got in your past life?

Just that one. Oh,
just that one, huh?

There must have been something special
about that cabin and Freddy withausen.

Oh, look at that. He's jealous.

I don't believe it. Something happened
25 years ago and you're jealous.

Clam up, you. Get out
of here. You're jealous.

Whoa, boy. He's jealous. I don't
believe it. Get into the kitchen there.

- You're jealous.
- Go eat an apple pie,
hot lips.

Are you jealous, Archie?

Cut that out.

You mean to tell me that when
I was overseas in the service,

you was running
around with another guy?

Oh, no. You was
back home by then.

I was not.

I was over there waiting for
my discharge in staten island.

So that's what
was going on, huh?

Whoa.

What kills me is you never
told me nothing about it.

But, Archie, I never thought
you wanted to hear about it.

What was you doing that I
wouldn't wanna hear about?

Nothing. If you wanna
hear about it, I'll tell you.

Don't tell me nothing.

Tell me everything.

Well, it was out at
lake quonkonkema.

Freddy's parents was there too,
sort of chaperones. Yeah, yeah?

Oh, it was beautiful there,
Archie, the trees and all.

Once Freddy and I went down
to the lake at 5:00 in the morning...

Just to watch the sun come up.

What were youse doing
before the sun come up?

Sleeping. Sleeping?

Yeah.

What does that mean?

Well, it means that...
I don't wanna know.

Oh,

well.

If I ever see that Freddy withausen
again, I'll feather him in his own tar.

I'm afraid you can't
do that, Archie.

What do you mean
I can't? Why not?

He died six years ago.

Lucky for him.

I remember when I read
about his funeral in the paper,

I sent him a nice
bouquet of flowers.

You sent him flowers?

I guess I forgot to
tell you about that.

Yeah, I guess you forgot
to tell me about that, Edith.

Sure, you did.

It's like the millions of other little
things you always forget to tell me.

Well, that's the straw
that broke the camel's neck.

Archie, where are you going?

I'm going to kelcy's bar.
That's where I'm going.

Where else would I go, Edith?

And when I come back,
as long as I ain't a part...

Of your little secret
service around here,

I'll just, uh, eat at
the table over there,

sleep up in our bed.

Maybe watch the television over
here once in a while. And outside of that,

you can just treat me as if I was
another stranger under your roof.

Oh, ar... no, no, no.
Stay there. Stay there.

And you can think
about this, Edith.

In all the 25 years you
and me have been together,

you ain't never once
sent me no flowers.

Thanks, Tommy.

Wanna watch some TV,
arch? Oh, no. Tommy, you know.

I don't wanna watch the TV. I
need someone to talk to me.

Geez, I've been listening to
people all day, arch. I need a break.

Thanks a lot there,
Tommy. If I didn't

wanna talk to nobody,
I could've stood home.

Oh, hi, arch. Aw, geez.

I said I wanted to talk,
but I ain't this desperate.

Hey, uh, Tommy. Let me
have a beer there, will you?

Sure.

Wait a minute. Wait
a minute. Tommy.

Will you turn that
TV off up there?

It's a good movie. The japs
are invading wake island.

I know how it come out, Tommy.
They lost. Will you turn it off?

I'll say one thing
for them japs though.

They certainly know
how to treat their women.

Did you know in Japan a woman's gotta walk
10 feet behind her husband all the time?

And they gotta wear carpet slippers so
the guys ain't disturbed by the high heels.

We ought to have
something like that over here.

Uh, arch, you mind if
I tell you something?

Yeah. But that ain't
gonna stop you. I know.

Y-You sitting here and sulking,
that's not gonna do you any good.

Why don't you come home
and talk things over with ma?

Because you can't talk to
her. You can't talk to women.

First place, they don't tell you
nothing they don't want you to know.

They all do that. They're
all the same, all of them.

Except of course
my blessed mother...

Who never spent no
weekend with no guy.

Well, what if she did?

I'm talking about my mother.
Ain't nothing sacred to you?

Arch, all Edith did was spend an innocent
weekend in the country, that's all.

An innocent weekend? There ain't no such
thing, buddy. Not the way I was brought up.

Let me tell you
something. In my day,

if a girl was seen packing her
suitcase on a Friday afternoon,

she was a marked woman.

And I mean in big red letters
there, "spoiled goods."

Don't you think it's silly in our day and
age to be preaching old-fashioned virtue?

No. If we had a little more of the
old-fashioned virtue around here,

we wouldn't have so
many new-fashioned babies

running around
looking for their papas.

Arch, I didn't come
here to argue with you.

Why don't you just finish
your beer and come home?

And why don't you take a
long walk on a short pier?

Arch, this whole thing
is crazy. Twenty-five

years ago, ma went away
on an innocent weekend.

And even if it wasn't
innocent, so what?

Shush.

Get over there.

What the hell's the
matter with you opening

your big foghorn mouth
in front of Tommy there?

Listen, arch... no,
you listen to me.

A guy before he marries has got a right
to expect the girl he marries to be pure.

But what about you arch? Before
you were married, were you pure?

Hey, hey, hey. None
of your business. Huh?

You couldn't have been, right? You
were in the army. You were overseas.

That's different.

A guy's overseas fighting for
his country, he's got some excuse.

What did you do, get a
note from your corporal?

Don't try to be funny,
will you, meathead?

We was fighting men over there. We
was all tensed up from being in action.

There's a break in the action. Some
of the boys wanted to go someplace.

I went along too. I didn't
know where we was going.

First thing I know, I was there.

You want me to leave them
thinking I was some kind of a queer?

- All right. So you weren't pure.
- That's another thing.

A man ain't supposed to... I
mean that's part of being a man.

Oh, boy. The old
double standard, huh?

No, smart guy. That's the
Bible if you wanna know.

The Bible says a
woman's gotta be pure.

It says so on
practically every page.

Well, shouldn't the
same thing go for men?

It don't say that about the men.

I mean the men in the Bible, all
them old-time religious guys,

they always had
lots of women around.

Take your Abraham, David, sodom
and gomorrah. All them guys.

Look, arch. All I know is one thing. The
way you're thinking about ma is crazy.

I mean, after all, you're
the guy she married, right?

That, uh, what's his name, Freddy
withausen? He's dead and buried.

He was alive up in that cabin.

That was 25 years ago.

What difference does that
make how long ago it was?

I mean, it makes a guy wonder.

After all, maybe I was
only second choice.

Maybe I ain't the real husband. Maybe
the real guy didn't show up there...

And I won by... what
do you call... default.

What are you talking
about? You know the way

ma treats you, waiting
on you hand and foot.

You know how she
feels about you.

But she never tells me nothing.

And when I come home from
work and I say, "what's new, Edith?"

I want her to tell me what's
new even if it is 25 years old.

She's damn well gonna
tell me starting right now.

I'm gonna go home and I'm gonna
get the whole story of that cabin.

And I'd better not find
out what I wanna find out.

Ma, it's 10:00. Why are
you still cooking?

I'm keeping the stew
warm for your father.

He'll be hungry when he
comes home. If he comes home.

Oh, he'll come home all right.

Your father ain't never once
missed having his dinner at home.

Ma, you're really something. After
the way daddy walked out on you...

Archie is right. I shouldn't
keep secrets from him.

The only reason I don't tell him
something is for his own good.

I want to protect him
from getting upset...

And yelling at me.

Ma, you know that weekend you
spent with Freddy withausen? Yeah?

Well,

I don't know how
to put this, but, uh,

you and he didn't, uh, you know.

Gloria.

You don't think that
Freddy and me... well?

Oh, never. It was
during the war.

And Freddy really respected me.

You see, he was a 4-f, and I was
a red cross bandage roller.

Edith.

There. You see? He's back.

Get in here on the double,
Edith. You watch the stew.

Coming, Archie.

Oh, hello, Mike.
Gloria's in the kitchen.

Thanks for bringing
him home. Okay, ma.

Oh, hello, Archie. I
kept your dinner warm.

Never mind the dinner.

We're gonna have a few words
together so sit down over there.

All right, Archie.

We've got some things
we're gonna have settled.

A lot of things. In fact, the whole
list of things may keep us up all night.

Whatever you say, Archie.

Yeah.

The first thing we gotta
talk about is all this business...

Of a secret service
going on around here...

And I don't know nothing, see?

And the fact that I'm the
bread-winner family here and the head.

Things are going on here without
my consent, and that's gotta change.

If you say so.

Then we're gonna have to have a few
words about that unmoral weekend...

You spent with that
tar watcher of yours.

But, Archie, I
told you... and...

Let me finish.

You're gonna have to
ask me to forgive you.

All right. Forgive me.

Then you admit it, huh?

There's nothing to admit.

Then what are you asking
me to forgive you for?

I don't know. You just
asked me to ask you to...

Don't be twisting all
my words around, Edith.

All I want is for you to say...

That on our honeymoon
night, that night was the first.

It was the night after,
remember? You fell asleep.

Was I or was I not the first?

Of course, Archie.

All right then.

You actually come
to your senses.

- I forgive you.
- For what?

Don't get started on
that again. We got it

settled and I don't wanna
hear no more about it.

Now you can go ahead
and serve me dinner.

Right away, Archie.

Gloria, dish up the stew.
And Mike, bring in the ketchup.

Archie, does this mean
you ain't mad at me no more?

Well, it means that we got a
few things settled and, uh...

One of which is no more
secrets around here, right? Right.

No more secrets. I'll get
your dinner right away.

Ketchup on stew?

- You'd eat ketchup on anything.
- Look who's talking.

I once seen you dunk a
hamburger in a cup of coffee.

How'd it go with ma? Well,
you can see for yourself.

Everything's back to
normal around here.

It might interest you to know that
your mother-in-law apologized to me.

You mean then that
weekend she did?

Didn't, didn't, didn't.

- Well, what did she
apologize for?
- For nothing.

You're right, arch.
Everything's back to normal.

Here we are. Come and get it.

What do you mean, come and get
it? I'm here. I ain't out in the field.

Oh, Mike, Gloria, Archie
and me had a long talk.

And I ain't never gonna keep a
secret from your father again.

Well, the whole
thing was silly anyway.

I mean, making such a big deal
about a weekend in the country.

Yeah, especially when you
had two chaperones with you.

Yeah, that's right. Freddy and me was
never alone except for one afternoon...

When his parents had to go
into the city to get some supplies.

Hi, ma. Shh.

Your father's asleep. Did
you two have a good time?

Yeah. It was a housewarming. Frank clauson
and Marion bloom just got a new apartment.

They got an apartment
together and they ain't married?

Yeah. That's the way
they wanted it. Oh, well,

I suppose if they're
your friends...

Wait a minute.

Whatever you do, let's not
tell your father about this.

All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.