All language subtitles for All in the Family - S02E22 - Edith the Judge

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ gee, our old
lasalle ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪♪

Mom? Hi. We're home.

Daddy? Daddy, you
upstairs? Anybody home?

Ma, you in the kitchen?

That's funny. Sunday
afternoon, nobody's home.

- You know what that means?
- No. What?

We got the whole
house to ourselves.

Michael, no.

Michael, yes.

Come here! Come
here! No, Michael. No.

Me, Tarzan. You, Jane.

We go up to tree house.

Oh, boy. Jane putting on weight.

No, Tarzan. I lost five pounds.

I think I found it. Come. We go.

Gloria! What happened?
Did you hurt your foot?

Oh. Hi, ma. No. How are you?

Hi.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Oh, uh, no. No, ma.
That's, uh, that's all right.

Where you been? I had a
special meeting at the church.

We had a cake sale.
Guess what I got.

Uh, a cake.

You guessed right away.

They had so many delicious
things. Oh. Hey, can I have a piece?

Oh, sure. Get a knife
and some plates, Gloria.

We made $102 for a worthy cause.

Yeah? What cause was that?

I don't know. That's what
the next meeting is about.

Where's Archie? How come he's not
home watching the big football game?

I guess he's still
at the launderette.

You got daddy to go to the
launderette? How'd you do that?

I just asked him.
And he said yes?

Yeah. Right after he stopped
yelling and kicking the laundry bag.

All right, now listen
to me, all of youse.

See what I'm doin' here? I'm lockin'
the door. And youse all keep it locked.

Archie! What's goin'
on? What happened?

Dummy up. Dummy up
now and I'll tell you.

That arab laundryman Joe girgis is
gonna be comin' over here after me.

And when he comes, we got to
make like there's nobody home, see?

And from now on, Edith, don't you
set foot in his launderette no more.

I don't care what it
costs, go to the chinks.

But don't go near
that arab again.

Not unless you got
a dirty camel to wash.

I'm gonna sue that
Egyptian phony.

Arch. Arch. He's not an
Egyptian. He's a Syrian.

It's the same thing! They're
born pirates, all of them!

Here, look at this here laundry.

It's in shreds, every piece of it
there. Archie, what happened?

I took it into his place and I
stuck it in one of them machines.

I turned it on, the machine busts
wide open, there's a flood all over.

I run for my life. I go down
on one knee and look at that.

My brand-new Sunday pants
there, tore 'em wide open.

I hurt my knee too. Oh,
no. I'm gonna sue that guy.

First thing in the morning, i'm
gonna get myself a good Jew lawyer.

Archie, do you always
have to label people?

Why can't you just get a lawyer?
Why does it have to be a Jewish lawyer?

'Cause when I'm gonna sue an arab,
I'm gonna get a guy that's full of hate.

Archie, look at this.

You must have forgot to separate
the coloreds from the whites.

Archie forget to separate
the coloreds from the whites?

Button your face.

Look, arch, I know you're upset,
but what do you want to sue him for?

Why don't you talk to him first?

I tried that. How you
gonna talk to a guy...

Who's screamin' and
cryin' at the same time?

I mean cryin'. I
mean real tears.

He's standing there. They're
comin' out of him like a geyser.

Yeah. Mr. Girgis cries a lot.

They're all that way, them arabs.
It's in their blood, that wailin'.

- What are you talking about?
- You never heard that?

Why do you think those
people got the wailin' wall?

Archie, it's the Jewish people
who go to the wailing wall.

That's only on one
side of it, smart guy.

Who do you think is
wailin' on the other side?

By the way, where was youse two
when all that laundry had to be took?

I went down to the library. I had to look
up a few things. And I was helping him.

What was you doin',
readin' to him, huh?

Funny. Very funny. I'm doing a
paper on the supreme court.

What's more important... your
dirty laundry or the supreme court?

The way Nixon's filling
it, what's the difference?

Don't talk to me! Archie,
can I get you some lunch?

Is it lunchtime already?
Look, it's after 1:00.

I'm missin' the whole football
game. Get away from me, all of you!

I'd better see if there's
anything in this we can save.

Gloria, will you
help me? Oh, sure.

Go on, the two of youse.
Count up all that damage there,

'cause I'm gonna sue that
arab through the nose.

And remember, Edith, all them
clothes is practically new.

Ladies and gentlemen,
our national anthem.

Good. The national anthem.
That means they ain't started yet.

We're in luck. ♪ oh,
say can you see ♪

♪ by the dawn's early light ♪♪

That is one terrible song.

Don't start up nothin' with me,
meathead. I'm watchin' the game.

That's a beautiful song
and shut your face.

Arch, the song glorifies war.

And even as a song, it stinks.
Nobody can remember the words.

You gonna ruin this game for
me? Can you remember the words?

Certainly, I can. Come on,
give me the first few lines.

Give me that thing. I'll turn it on
as soon as you give me the lines.

Oh, say can you see by
the dawn's early light...

What so proudly we
hailed, of thee I sing.

Wrong. It ain't wrong.

It is too. "Of thee I sing" is
from "my country 'tis of thee."

That's wrong. What
are you talking about?

The next line of the "star-spangled banner"
is "at the twilight's last gleaming."

"At the twilight's last gleaming"
comes after "of thee I sing."

You've just proven
my point. Nobody can

remember the words
because they're rotten words.

Listen. "Oh, say, does that
star-spangled banner ye-et wave?"

What kind of word is "ye-et"?

If it's in the national
anthem, it's a good word!

"Ye-et"?

Yeah. "Ye-et." I use it
all the time. Ye-et. Ye-et.

Now give me "tha-at"!

- What's all
the screaming about?
- The national anthem.

Oh. Did the singer
forget the words again?

I'll get it. Oh, no, no, no.
Wait. Don't get nothin'.

I told you. Get away
from that door.

It's that arab
laundryman Joe girgis.

Now shush. Make like
there's nobody home.

I know you're in there, Archie
bunker! I see you through the window!

He's seen you through
the window, Archie.

Did he, Edith?

Get away from there, girgis! I ain't
talkin' to you except through a lawyer!

My name's pronounced "girgis,"
and I want to talk to you right now!

Get off my stoop or
I'll sic the dog on you!

You ain't got a dog, bunker,
and you owe me money!

Archie, let him in. The
neighbors will hear.

You bet the neighbors will hear!
Archie bunker owes me money!

Hey, hey, girgis.
Listen, america!

Archie bunker owes me money!

Why, you common,
ignorant thing, you.

Why would you yell that
way on a Sunday afternoon?

You broke my best machine. It's gonna
cost me a good 85 bucks to fix it. Pay me!

Me pay you? Your dumpy machine
ruined my laundry! You owe me money.

Edith made it out to worth
about 40 or 50, $65 there.

Some of our best haberdashery
was in that load, right, Edith?

Oh, yeah. There was six pairs
of fruit of the loom shorts...

Stifle yourself!

That laundry you ruined
was worth a small fortune.

That's right.
Eighty-nine cents a pair.

Get over there and
eat cake, will you?

You ruined my best washer.

The machine I started my
business with. My first top-loader.

Never a day's trouble. Never
stopped. Never leaked. Never jammed.

Then along you come with your lousy fruit
of the looms and tear the guts out of it.

Oh. Get a load of this here.

There goes the geyser again.

We're gonna have to put
down newspaper for this guy.

- Leave the guy alone.
- Will you go and help
your mother eat cake?

You got some nerve comin' over
here and sayin' that about that machine.

That machine was
ready for the junk pile.

That machine was a Jewel
until you overloaded it.

I'm telling the truth,
as god is my judge.

God? What god? Allah?

Allah don't cut
no ice around here.

What are you talking
about? I'm a methodist.

A methodist? Maybe comin'
through the immigration you was.

But you started facin' east as
soon as you got an apartment.

No, buddy, I'm gonna sue you.

If anybody's gonna sue, it's gonna
be me. You ain't got a leg to stand on.

That's what I'm gonna sue you about.
Look at that. A hole in my Sunday pants.

Probably a torn "filament"
right there in the kneecap.

Oh, no, buddy, I'm gettin'
a lawyer after you.

Then I'll get a lawyer too.

Wait a second. You're not gonna
use a lawyer for a case like this.

You're gonna have to go
to a small-claims court.

You're not gonna
be able to do that...

Because you know you guys ain't
gonna be able to afford to miss work.

So why don't you
settle it yourselves?

You get somebody to act
impartial, sort of a referee.

Somebody you both trust. You tell
them what happened, let them decide.

That's a good idea. We'll get
someone who's fair and honest.

In New York? Oh, geez!

How about the reverend
feltcher? He's fair and honest.

That's when he's workin'. We don't
know what he does on his off-duty.

Maybe Dr. Evans would come over.

Come on. What do you think, he's Marcus
welby? He don't make no house calls.

I got it. I know someone. The lady i'm
thinking about is perfect for the job.

Hold it. When you say
lady, no dice. Women is out.

Daddy, you're such
a male chauvinist.

In this day and age,
how can you say that?

Like this here... no women.

But the lady I'm talkin'
about is your wife. Huh?

- Oh, my.
- Yeah. You know anybody
more honest?

Well, uh... will you
do it, Mrs. Bunker?

Oh, no, Mr. Girgis.
I couldn't do that.

You see, I'm Archie's wife.

Hold it. Everybody knows
you're my wife. Sure you're my wife.

But that's got nothin'
to do with anythin'.

But, Archie, a judge
has to be impartial.

Edith, you can be married to
me and still be impartial there.

What are you talkin'
about? It's a good

idea, girgis. How come
you thought of Edith?

Well, she was one of
my first customers.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Yeah.

She's been comin' to my place
twice a week for seven years now.

Wonderful woman. Always fair.

Never tried to jump her turn and push
her way ahead of another customer.

Never asked me for change.

Always came with
her own quarters.

What the hell's the matter with
him now? I told you he was like that.

I remember at the grand
opening of his launderette...

He cried all the way
through the first rinse.

Girgis, uh, uh, listen,
it'll be all right.

I'll talk Edith into doin' it
for you, huh, bein' the judge.

Let's get started. Why
don't you dry your eyes?

I'll try. Yeah. Geez.

Can I use the bathroom? You want to use
the bathroom? Sure. Go on upstairs, girgis.

It's the first door on the right,
top of the stairs up there, huh?

Hey, hey. Come on, Edith. Let's get
started. You bein' the judge, huh?

Oh, Archie, no. I don't know.

People will be expectin'
me to be so smart and all.

I don't think I can. What are
you worried about there, Edith?

You can do it. You'll be the best
little judge that marriage can buy.

Listen, youse two, when girgis comes
down here, let's get this thing over with.

Don't be holdin' up the works with
none of your screwball arguments, huh?

Hey, girgis!

We're ready to get started.
What are you doin' up there, readin'?

I'll be down in a minute.

What are you doin' here? We
ain't gonna have no coffee clutch.

We're tryin' to have a
little court, that's all.

Oh, Archie, I'm so worried about
bein' a judge. It's a big responsibility.

Why? It's an open-and-shut case.

Open-and-shut? Ma hasn't
heard the evidence yet.

She's gonna hear the evidence.
I want her to hear the evidence.

I just don't want the evidence
to get in the way, that's all.

- In the way of what?
- In the way, Edith,
of a fair and honest decision.

Oh, Archie, you know
I'll do the honest thing.

Yeah... oh, hold
it, hold it, Edith.

Now you know there's such a
thing as bein' overhonest, you know?

And any real judge will
tell you that that's bad.

Bad? Why?

Overanything is bad, Edith.
Overworkin', overeatin'.

"Ipso fatso," then
overhonest is bad too.

Daddy, you stop trying
to influence ma's decision.

I ain't tryin' to
influence her decision!

I'm only tryin' to help her out
here. She's got a tough job...

Tryin' to decide between that
crook up there in the toilet... shh!

Between that crook
up there in the toilet...

And her husband who's been workin'
for her for the past 23 years, right?

Yeah, yeah. So you got a
very tough job, that's all.

Oh, don't worry, Archie. I will
render a fair and impartial verdict...

Without fear nor
favor, so help me god.

Where'd you learn that?
Perry Mason reruns.

Aw. Yeah.

At last, king farouk is
off the throne up there.

Now when he comes down,
make everythin' look fair, huh?

Just try to forget that you
remember that I'm your husband.

Don't worry, Archie. When it comes
to the decision, I'll forget everything.

Well, is her honor the
judge ready? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. We're all set. Where
you goin'? Where you goin'?

I'm goin' out. 'Cause first
the judge has to come in.

Edith, come on, will you?
You're already in. Get over here.

Sit down. All you got to do
is just hear what I gotta say.

What you gotta say? What
about me? Don't I have a say?

Certainly, you got a say,
after I say what I gotta say.

I wanna talk first. Yeah. That's
exactly it... come on. Be fair.

Wait a second! Wait a second!
Hold it! What? What? What?

You got a judge. Why don't we
exercise a little courtroom procedure?

Ma, you're the judge.
You sit in the judge's chair.

That's my chair. I want
the judge to sit there.

He wants the judge to sit
there. All right, get in there.

Mr. Girgis, you sit over
there. Where am I gonna go?

You're gonna sit over here.
How come I'm gettin' a hard chair?

What's the difference?
Sit here, will you?

Come on, get it
over with! Let's go.

Oh, yes, oh, yes. This
court is now in session.

The honorable Edith j.
Bunker, presiding. All rise...

Will you quit foolin' around
and get on with this thing here?

I'm just tryin' to do it
right. Sit down over here!

Let's get started. Edith,
this is what happened here.

I go into his laundry, go over to
his first broken down machine...

- Wait. It still hasn't
been decided you go first.
- I decided. It's my house.

Hold it. It's proper courtroom procedure
for the judge to decide who speaks first.

Oh, all right. The
judge will decide.

Eeney-meeney-miney-moe,
catch a tiger...

Hold it! What are you doin'?

Well, I'm chosin' firsts.

Out goes y-o-u.

Mr. Girgis, you go first.

Oh, gee, judge,
that was so fair.

All right, girgis, you
heard the judge here.

Stand up in front of the
judge and speak your piece.

Look at this. The
dope is doin' it.

This morning, Archie bunker came
to my place with a lot of laundry.

And I says to Archie, "you
got to use two machines."

But does he? No.

No. Cheapskates here
is tryin' to save 35 cents,

and he pushes 20 pounds of laundry
into one machine and overloaded it...

And the machine busted a strut.

You never said I got to use two
machines. Maybe you said I oughta.

- Big deal! It's the same thing!
- The hell it is the same thing!

Your honor. As bailiff, I object to
the use of that kind of language.

And I suggest that
it not be tolerated.

Your honor, look at that.
Look what he did there.

All right. All right, bailiff.

Mr. Bunker, the court
says shame on you.

Your honor, I remember now.

I didn't say "oughta" or "gotta." I
said, "you have to use two machines."

You never said nothin'
of the kind, you big liar!

Your honor, as the bailiff's wife,
I object to this kind of language.

That's right. And I suggest that
Mr. Bunker be held in contempt of court.

Until you start payin' rent around
here, you're in contempt of house!

Now clam up and sit down.

Mr. Bunker... what? What? What?

The court is warning
you for the last time.

Shame, shame. Everybody
knows your name.

Listen, Edith, if you
don't mind... I mean, judge.

Could I, uh... what do you
call... "Encroach" the bench?

Yes, you may.

I just wanna ask you
somethin' private...

Without Florence of
Arabia tunin' in here.

Could I ask the court for a
little favor, huh? Sure, Archie.

Will you cut the crapola,
you dingbat, and pick a winner?

I heard that.

What a terrible thing to say to a
wonderful woman and a good customer.

But that doesn't surprise me.

Any man who has no respect for
a fine machine like my top-loader...

Can't have any respect for a
fine woman and a top person.

Come on, laundryman. Stop soft-soapin'
and tryin' to "deterge" the judge here.

Just say what you gotta
say and get it over with.

I will. I got signs all over my
place telling you what to do.

Big letters... "Twelve-pound
limit per machine."

You can't miss it!
But he missed it!

I didn't miss nothin'. My load
was 12 pounds on the nose.

My eye told me it was 17
pounds if it was an ounce.

- I told you to weigh it.
- I weighed it.

Not on my scale! On my
Macy's bathroom scale,

new from Christmas '68 up
there, it was 12 pounds even.

It was not on my scale and that's
what's important! Order! Order!

I can't be judge no
more. What do you mean?

I resign. Wait a
minute. Come here.

Don't let Archie intimidate you.

You can't resign in
the middle of a trial.

Then if I can't
resign, I call a recess.

Come on, Edith. Wait a
minute. Come here. Ma...

Listen, girgis, come on, let's
stop all this court malarkey, huh?

Can't we get together and settle
this thing like two intelligent persons?

What do you want to do? All you got
to do is pay me what you owe and get out.

That isn't the
way we decide this.

Ma, you got a headache?
No. But I'm gonna have one.

Because I know who's guilty,
and Archie's gonna be so mad.

Oh, boy. He can't
be mad at you...

'Cause you're his wife, and it's the
judge who's making this decision.

But it's his wife
he's gonna be mad at.

Edith, get in here! I
don't know what to do.

Ma, you're the judge.
You've got to be impartial.

If you've made a decision,
you've got to stick to it. Come on.

Come on, Edith. We're waitin'.
Everybody take their place.

Edith, will you just
give us the decision?

The decision is...

I'm a hung judge.

What the hell does that mean?

It means I can't
make a decision.

But, ma... in the kitchen, you
said you made your mind up.

Mrs. Bunker, you promised. We
want a decision. We want it now!

All right.

The court says...

Archie, you ain't guilty.

Naturally. At last.

You satisfied, arch? You
corrupted the last honest person.

Get out of here. You
heard the decision. Get lost.

Mrs. Bunker, I'm truly
disappointed in you.

See, I picked you because I thought
you'd be fair. But I was wrong.

If you can say to me that
this man is not guilty...

- But, Mr. Girgis...
- Wait.

Wait. I'm entitled to
make one final statement.

If you can say to me that
this man is not guilty...

Of putting 17 pounds
of very dirty laundry...

Into a 12-pound-limit,
top-load machine,

the prize of my fleet,

then I say to you there's no
justice in the borough of queens.

Mr. Girgis, don't cry.
You ain't guilty either.

What? What?

Ma, that's no decision.
Somebody's got to be guilty.

Somebody is... me.

What are you talkin' about?
You're the judge. You can't be guilty.

Archie, it's my fault our
laundry was too heavy.

You see, I set the
scale back five pounds.

The bathroom scale up
there? Yeah. I did it for you.

But why? You know how mad you
get when you gain a few pounds.

Don't talk to me!

You ain't guilty. I'm guilty.
What's the difference?

You or me, I'm the guy
that's gotta pay! Oh, geez.

What are you cryin' about
now? You heard. You won.

I'm cryin' because I'm happy.

I mean, this woman has redeemed
my faith in human nature.

Thank you. Thank you. I'm sorry.

I'll send you the
bill in the morning.

Good-bye, everybody.

Get out of my chair.

Daddy, don't be angry.

You didn't want
ma to lie, did you?

Who's talkin' about lyin'?

I'm talkin' about families
stickin' together.

Oh, Archie, I believe in
families stickin' together.

But if I hadn't told the truth,
you'd never be able to trust me again.

And then how could
we stick together?

You have ruined another Sunday.

You know, Archie, I was thinkin'
about that king in the Bible... Solomon.

Remember the story about the two
women who was fightin' over the baby...

And they asked Solomon to
judge who was the real mother?

And Solomon called
for a sword and said,

"divide the living
child in two...

And give one half to the first woman
and one half to the second woman."

And the first woman said, "no.
Don't hurt the child. Give it to her."

And the second woman
said, "no. Cut the child in two."

But Solomon said, "the
child will not be hurt.

"Give it to the first woman.

Because her love has proved
that she's the real mother."

Oh, my. That Solomon,
he was so smart.

That's my point exactly, Edith.

I should have got a
smart Jew after that arab.

All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.