All language subtitles for All in the Family - S02E20 - Edith Gets a Mink

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ gee, our old
lasalle ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪♪

♪ Santa Lucia ♪

♪ pasta in meat sauce ♪♪

Ma, who's that at the door? It's a
package for me by special messenger.

Ooh, it looks exciting.
Who's it from? It don't say.

I wonder what it
can be. Open it up.

The last time I had
a package this size...

Was from your grandmother
on your father's side...

A beautiful lace
tablecloth over 80 years old.

I don't remember seeing that. That's
because I've been saving it for best.

But we ain't had no best.

Open up the package. What
do you think it is, Gloria?

Ma, if you don't open it
up, I'll go crazy. Right.

Oh, it's a beautiful box.

I'm gonna save it.
It'll come in hand...

Oh, Gloria, this
can't be for me.

It's a mink cape.
It's beautiful.

You know, I've seen
this somewhere before.

Oh, there must be some mistake.

No, ma. It's no mistake. It's
from your cousin Amelia.

Amelia. That's where
I've seen it, on Amelia.

But why would she be
sending me her mink cape?

"Dear Edith, i'm
giving this to you...

Because of your kindness in looking
after me after I had my operation."

Oh, she didn't have to do that.

"I know you'll say I don't
have to do this, Edith,

but I really want
you to have the mink."

Oh, ain't that nice?

I wonder why she sent it.
They're coming over on Friday.

"I know we're coming over Friday,
but I couldn't wait for you to have it."

Oh, that's very nice. But
what will Amelia do without it?

"Russ is buying me a new
one for my birthday anyway.

Love, Amelia."
Oh, ma, put it on.

You know, I've always
wondered what mink felt like.

What does it feel like, ma?

It feels just like soft fur.

Hi, Gloria. I'm home.

Oh, ma, that's Michael. You
stay in here until I call you.

Hi, sweetheart. I'm
glad you're home. Hi.

Stand right there. I've got a big
surprise for you. What's going on?

You'll see. Ready, ma? Yeah.

♪ There she is ♪

♪ miss america ♪

♪ there she is ♪

♪ your ideal ♪

♪ there she is ♪♪

I don't believe it,
ma. It can't be you.

Oh, yeah, Mike. It's me.

Ma, that's mink. Where
did that come from?

It's Amelia dekuyper's way of saying
thank you. Gee, that's some thank you.

I'm gonna have to find
someplace fancy to wear this.

Only Archie don't take
me to no mink places.

Archie don't take
you to no places.

Oh, Mike. That ain't fair.

It's true, but it ain't fair.

I gotta see what this looks
like in the bathroom door.

That's something. I didn't know
cousin Amelia was that rich.

Well, her husband's a
plumbing contractor.

Oh, yeah. They make
half a mink a day.

Boy, I wanna tell you.

Coming home through this city some
nights is like coming through a minefield.

Daddy, you should see what
ma just got. I'm talking, Gloria.

I leave work and I go
down the subway, see.

Your mayor Lindsay's
two-level trolley system.

And what do I find there? The subway
platform is jammed with peoples.

It's a wall-to-wall melting pot. Why?
'Cause the trains ain't running again.

Well, that's too bad... so, looking
for somebody who speaks my language,

I go up to this subway guard.

And he happens to be one of
your pushy "imported" ricans.

And so I says to him, you
know, trying to be polite,

"what's up, Pedro?"

He says, "the main's broke.
The water's flooding the rails."

"How am I gonna get home?" He
says, "try swimming up the tracks."

Now I ask you, for a city
employee to talk to an...

I'm all alone here.
When did this happen?

What, are you hiding someplace?
Where the hell are you?

What's going on? Daddy, you
just stand right there, okay?

Where's your mother?

♪ Here she comes ♪

♪ miss america ♪

♪ here she comes ♪

♪ your ideal ♪

♪ the dreams of
millions of girls ♪

♪ who are more than pretty ♪

♪ may come true ♪

♪ in Atlantic city ♪♪
hey, hey.

Pull the plug on that, huh?

Well, how do
you like it, Archie?

I thought we were saving
our green stamps for a camera.

That's a beautiful fur there. She looks
fabulous. Can't you say something nice?

What's nice about it? It probably
took every stamp book we had.

No, Archie. It's a present
from cousin Amelia...

For looking after
her gall bladder.

Oh, a present from
cousin Amelia, huh? Mm-hmm.

- Well, give it back.
- Oh, Archie. Why?

Because a present
from cousin Amelia...

Is also a present from
your cousin-in-law Russ too.

And you ain't accepting no
gifts from Russel dekuyper.

But daddy, ma did
something nice for Amelia.

Now Amelia's doing something nice
for ma. Yeah, she earned that cape.

Listen, Sonny boy.
In the first place,

earning is a subject
you know nothing about.

And in the second place,
that cape ain't earned.

That's charity, which Archie bunker
don't take from nobody in the third place.

What charity, arch? It's
a gift. That isn't largesse.

I ain't saying it's largesse,
"smallesse" or any kind of "esse."

When I want my wife to have a
fur coat, I'll buy her a fur coat.

You will? No.

Daddy, can't you understand how ma
feels about having her very own mink?

I can understand that
she's gonna give that

fur cape back to the
dekuypers, that's all.

Russ dekuyper. He's rich.

So he's always lauding
it over the whole world.

He spends his life looking
for wounds to rub salt into.

He sure found one with you. You're
practically green with jealousy.

What are you talking about?
Jealous of who, Russ dekuyper?

Why, the man ain't got
of a gleaming feature.

He ain't smart. He ain't certainly
what you'd call good-looking.

You mean like you?

Well, now that you mention, yeah.
Ask Edith. She knows the two of us.

Who's better looking Edith, me
or that dumb dutchman dekuyper.

You are, Archie,
by far. Satisfied?

Can I keep the cape now?

No.

Now will you quit fooling around and
get chow on the table? All right, Archie.

Oh, boy. "Oh, boy." Yeah. Yeah.

And what are you
looking at anyway?

I'm surprised at youse
two "ecrology" nuts...

Encouraging your
mother there to wear fur.

They breed those
animals, daddy. That's right,

arch. Mink is not an
endangered species.

Oh, geez. Them minks hangin' around
your mother-in-law's neck out there,

they'll be glad to hear that... that
they ain't endangered, just murdered.

Besides, your mother-in-law
ain't a mink-type person.

I mean, it's like puttin' a white tie
and tails on the meathead here.

Hold it, Edith. Wait a minute.

Is this all we're
having? Oh, no, Archie.

We're having spaghetti
just the way you like it... long.

Oh. I like it short.

I thought you liked it long...

Except in the case of elbow macaroni
which is short because it's bent.

You're a pip, you
know that, Edith?

A real pip.

- Go on. Get me the long spaghetti.
- Right away, Archie.

Your mother's getting dingbattier
than ever with that cape around her there.

And that's why that Russ
dekuyper sent it over here,

to "percolate" my
family against me.

To fill their minds
with the thought...

That I ain't rich enough to
buy my wife the thing she wants.

- Well, daddy, you're not.
- You see that? It's poisoning
your mind already.

I'm not gonna stand for this.
Edith, before you sit down to eat,

you get on the phone,
you call the dekuypers.

You tell Amelia you're
giving back that cape.

Oh, no, Archie. I can't do that. I
can't hurt her feelings that way.

Oh, well, if you can't, I can.

I'll make the phone call myself,
that's all. Archie, please don't do that.

Don't tell me what to do, Edith.
Just get the spaghetti on the table.

But Archie... no, don't "but" me
"but" me. Just do what you're told.

Archie, I'll give the cape
back, but don't insult them.

Oh, no. I'm gonna straighten
out Russ dekuyper right now.

Daddy, they're coming over here
Friday. Why can't you wait till then?

Because I wanna throw that cape
back into his face while I'm in the mood.

Arch... go on, Edith.

Dummy up.

Hello? Hey, is that you, Russ?

This is Archie bunker here.

Yeah, uh, Russ, about that
fur cape you sent over here.

Well, Edith can't use it.

No, no, no. She can't
take your fur, Russ.

Cat fur, rabbit, anything
like that, you know.

Yeah, she's got, uh... what
do you call these... allergies.

Yeah. Oh, geez. She's sneezing
her face off right now.

Gesundheit in there, Edith.

I just wanna say, when
you come over Friday night...

You pick up the fur
and you give it away to

the "salivation" army
or something like that.

Russ, I can't talk now
because they're serving dinner.

I gotta go. That's
all. Good-bye.

Well, it's final now, Edith!

You're gonna give
back that cape!

What are we gonna eat now?

What's keeping
your mother-in-law?

The dry cleaners is only
two blocks away here.

You know, when I
think of you making her

give back that fur, I
get sick to my stomach.

Look at you. You could eat
the carpets off the floor...

Without getting
sick to your stomach.

Michael. Ma got those
goodies for Russ and Amelia.

Besides, we're going
to eat after the movie.

Oh, my. Sorry I took so long.

Oh, let me catch my breath. Never mind
about your breath. You can breathe later.

Russ and Amelia are coming over
here any minute, huh? Where's the cape?

They're keeping it.

The jeffersons have been cleaning that
cape for six days. Ain't they done yet?

He had terrible
trouble with that stain.

He had to put the mink through
twice and it still wouldn't come out.

Well, he should have
put it through a third time.

That's just it. He shouldn't
have. The third time,

the fur came out in big patches.

Are you telling me that Jefferson
ruined that fur? Edith, I'll sue the guy.

He was very upset about it,

but he says that he'll get his
insurance company to clear it right away.

Why did you bring it down to
the jeffersons' in the first place?

I mean, the colored people don't
know nothing about dry cleaning.

What do they know about fur?

That's right, arch. All we taught
them was how to work with cotton.

Go carry a sign, will ya?

Mr. Jefferson said we
might get as much as $300.

Edith, don't never bring
no more clean... $300?

Yeah, he said it would be that
because it was not new fur.

Well, wait a
minute. Edith, $300?

Hey, wait a second, arch.

You're not thinking of
keeping that money, are you?

I might be.

- Why not?
- You already told Russ you
were gonna give back the cape.

But there ain't no cape now.

Oh, gee, arch. When it was just a
fur cape, you couldn't care less.

Now it's $300, your
whole world lights up.

Would you listen to this guy? You
know something about yourself?

You ain't got no class at all.

What do you expect me
to do, insult a relation,

a rich relation at that,
by offering him $300?

Arch, I thought you
didn't wanna take charity.

This ain't charity. This is gonna be a
check from an insurance company.

And if you think insurance
companies give out charity,

you're a lot dumber than
I ever gave you credit for.

Archie, it's the dekuypers' money
because it was their cape that got damaged.

How can you honestly
think of keeping the money?

The same way a lot of people keep
millions of dollars, don't pay no taxes.

Like, uh, for instance
your Ronald Reagan there.

You're throwing
that example up to me?

Certainly, meathead. That is the
way the system is supposed to work.

And Reagan is a guy who
knows how to work it.

Archie, that's not the way
the system's supposed to work.

I told you about Ronald Reagan,
you bawled hell out of me...

For besmirching the
name of a great governor.

And don't do it no more.

Because the U.S. of a. Is
run along certain principles.

And giving back $300 to
a man who don't need it...

Goes against everything
this nation stands for.

If that's what this
nation stands for, then

the people have been
devalued, not the dollar.

Nuts to you. Yeah?

You was supposed to be
going to the movies. Get lost.

- Come on, Michael.
- Let's go.

I don't want them going out the
front door. Go out the back door.

Why? What's wrong? Because I don't
want youse to meet the dekuyper's...

And open your big mouth
and screw everything up.

You're nuts. Go on. Get lost.

Coming.

Hold it, Edith. Don't answer
that door. Just a minute.

Now, say nothing. Don't you open your
mouth and say word one about that cape.

You make like an
oyster and clam up.

I hate these people.
Open that door.

Hi, Edith. Hey, how are you?

Hey, Russ. How are you? Good.

Amelia. Oh, Archie.

You look terrific. You put a few
pounds on, but you look terrific.

Arch, you ain't changed
a bit. Same old arch.

Same old Russ.
Same old Edith too.

Same old living room.

Sort of brown, ain't it?

Reminds me of
what I come up from.

Arch, what Russ means is we're
more like what you'd call pink people.

Aw, hey. We got a
son-in-law who's one of them.

Hey, come on, Amelia. Sit
down on the sofa here.

You do the decorating
yourself, Edith?

Oh, no, no. I ain't too
good at that, Amelia.

But I did paint the laundry basket
once with one of them spray cans.

Remember, Archie?
Yeah, forget it.

But I... I forgot to
take the laundry out.

And Archie was wearing wicker
pattern underwear for a whole year.

Private, Edith, huh? Private.

Hey, arch, about that mink cape.

Cape? Wh-what about it?

I don't believe none of that guff you
was giving me about Edith's allergies.

It was only you being
allergic to charity, wasn't it?

Russ, I never thought
of that as charity.

What do you mean?
Coming from you?

Good. Because Amelia and me,
we want Edith to keep the cape.

Why shouldn't she have a little luxury
in her life? I mean, look around here.

- Russel.
- Listen, Amelia. Listen. That's okay.

I mean, after all, some guys
make it and some guys don't.

So youse two wanna give that fur
cape to Edith here, well, I say beautiful.

- But Archie,
how can we keep the cape?
- Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Is there something in your eye?

Would you make coffee?

Wait a minute, Edith. First I gotta
see what you look like in that fur.

- Try it on.
- Oh, Amelia, i-i...

She, uh, she can't
do that, Amelia, see?

'Cause the cape is still
at the dry cleaners.

But I had it cleaned just
before I sent it to you.

Oh, well, uh, you know,
Edith done it again...

Because she's a nut
about bringing things to

the cleaner... but,
Archie, we both took it...

Let me finish.

See, Edith knows these colored
people. They run the dry cleaners.

- Colored?
- Yeah. Oh, hey.

But, listen, they're great.
Didn't you ever hear?

I mean, they get right in there. The
benzine, it don't do nothing to them there.

I mean, they're really
great at doing furs.

They're real geniuses in
the cleaning profession.

Speaking of clean, arch.
Where's your bathroom?

Oh, same old place,
Russ. Right upstairs.

I don't know why you
don't get a downstairs John.

Well, listen, I ain't got
your money there, buddy.

You know, there is one thing
that I like about you, arch.

What's that, Russ? You
are poor and you know it.

Just don't wanna throw
money down the drain, right?

You get it? Down the drain.

That's a plumber's
joke. Oh, yeah. Plumber.

That's funny. That's funny.

Laugh it up.

Oh, that Russ.

He's always saying
funny things like that.

Working with him all day long is like
having your own personal Johnny Carson.

Shut the door, Russel.

The door is shut, Amelia.
It always sounds like that.

Hey, arch. Your float
valve is half shut. Huh?

Oh, yeah. You know, you
could use a new toilet. Oh.

As a matter of fact, you could
use a whole new bathroom.

Here. Try this.

Thanks very much, Russ.
Will you stop carrying

greasy parts around
in your good suit?

Hello, Edith. Hello,
Louise. Come in.

Oh, you've got
company. I won't stay.

Oh, no. Come and meet my
cousin, Amelia dekuyper.

And this is her husband,
Mr. Russ dekuyper. Hi, there.

This is Mrs. Jefferson. Her
husband runs the cleaners.

Uh, Mrs. Jefferson, could we talk to you
about all of this just a little later on?

Oh, sure. But I was just so upset
about what happened to the mink cape.

- Something happened to the cape?
- It sure was a shame you spilt
all of that sauce on it.

Mrs. Jefferson, I'll tell you what
you do. Just don't worry about it...

And get us back the cape
as soon as ever you can, huh?

But there's nothing
left but the skin.

So I got George to make
out his check without

waiting for the insurance
to come through.

Just like I told you,
Edith, $300. Thank you.

Well, so long, folks. Nice
to have met you. Yeah, yeah.

Thanks very much, Mrs.
Jefferson. Good-bye there.

Put that away.

Uh, Edith, why don't you make
some coffee for everybody?

Now, wait a second.
What's this about $300?

- Russ, let her make the coffee.
- What about the $300?

Russ, Amelia, we
was gonna tell you.

You see, we had an accident with
the cape and spilled some food on it.

And the cleaners ruined it.
But the insurance is paying for it.

Well, well, well. It's
like I always say, Amelia.

Cast your bread upon the
waters and it comes back dough.

Thank you, Edith. Hold
it. Hold it there, Russ.

That check ain't
yours. That's ours.

No, it isn't. No. He's right,
Russel. We gave them the cape.

Will you zip it up,
Amelia. I want that money.

Listen to rich daddy
drainpipes over here.

Dredging after a lousy $300.

We do not need
the money, Russel.

You know how much I gotta make
to keep $300 cash in our tax bracket?

I gotta make 800, maybe $1000.

That's why I want that check.
Now, you give me that $1000.

Why, you copper-plated
phony, you. You're money nuts.

When this was just a raggy fur,
you couldn't care less about it.

Now it's $300, your whole
world lights up. You bet it does.

You really bet it does. Three hundred
bucks tax free is really illuminating.

And I ain't leaving here
without I get that check.

Oh, money, money, money. You
really love it, don't you, rich man?

You bet I do. How do you
think I got to be rich, poor man?

Aw, geez, the greed of him. I
can smell it all over him. Whoo!

What you're smelling is the
sweet perfume of success.

Listen to this guy
talking about perfume.

And him all day long up
to his armpits in toilets.

Them toilets got me my
beachfront home in neponset.

Oh, listen to the big shot here.

Bragging because he was lucky enough
to marry into a successful plumbing racket.

Successful? Her
father's business wasn't

worth the red ink it
cost to keep the books.

I built that business up myself.

Get out of here. Her old
man left you a going concern.

And her brother on
the board of education,

he gave you the concession
for a whole school district there.

Six hundred toilets. Boy, talk
about falling into a royal flush.

Nobody made me but me!

You tell him, Amelia. Tell him
who built that business up.

Papa, Freddy, my uncle Charlie.

- Will you stop it?
- Oh, listen to that!

Your own wife knows you for the phony you
are. Well, you ain't getting this check.

This check belongs to
us. No, it don't, Archie.

What are you talking about?
Mrs. Jefferson gave you this check,

and it says right on the check,

"pay to the order
of Amelia dekuyper."

Amelia dekuyp... what's her
name doing on this check?

Well, she's the
owner of the mink.

You said yourself, Archie. As soon as it
was cleaned it had to go back to Amelia...

'Cause you didn't want no
charity coming into this house.

Edith. Thank you.
Come along, Amelia.

You see what you done here?

Russ, you ain't
leaving this house...

Till I finish saying to you
what I wanna say to you.

What do you wanna say to me?

I'll split that with you.

Come on, Amelia. Russ, Russ, don't
you walk out of here with that check.

Russ, if you leave this house
with that there check there, Russ,

it ain't gonna do our
friendship no good.

Once again, your
side of the family.

Come on, daddy, stop
sulking about Russ.

Boy, no wonder they say that
money's the root of all evil.

Yeah, that's right, arch.

Russ only did unto you what
you were trying to do to him.

And remember, the
Bible also says...

It is more blessed to
give than to receive.

I got one for you.

Silence is golden.

So stifle thyself, will you.

All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.