All language subtitles for All in the Family - S02E16 - Archie and the FBI

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ gee, our old
lasalle ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪♪

Yo tengo UN escritorio.

Yo tengo UN
escritorio. I have a desk.

Right. Yo tengo UN libro.

Yo tengo UN libro. I have
a book. Good, Michael.

Yo tengo UN cuarto.

Yo tengo UN
cuarto. I have a room.

You got a cuarto for which
you don't pay no "rento."

What are youse learning yourselves Spanish
for? Ain't English good enough for youse?

Fine, arch. When do you
want to start learning that?

Dry up, huh?

Didn't you hear the
"bello" go "Ringo"?

Good evening. May I... no.

Listen, Sonny boy, if you're
working yourself through school,

work the other side of the street,
'cause we've no use for magazines here.

I'm not selling magazines.

I'm an investigator for the
United States government.

You? The government?

Right. Name's Bradford.
You Mr. Bunker?

Oh, yeah, sir.

Uh... right. May I come in?

Yeah, sure. Come
on in, Mr. Bradford.

Certainly. Step
right in the house.

Listen, I'm sorry for calling
you "Sonny boy" over there,

but you look so
young and all, that...

Right. I get that a lot.

Oh, you do, huh? Well...

Oh, anyway, this
is my son-in-law...

By marriage, Michael stivic.

There's my daughter,
Gloria. This is Mr. Bradford,

an investigator for the
United States government.

- How are you?
- Hello, Mr. Bradford.

Sit down, Mr. Bradford.
Take that chair.

That's the best
one in the house.

Tell us what we can do for you.

I'd appreciate it if I could
ask you a few questions.

Certainly. Ask
anything you'd like.

I believe you know
a Mr. Larry grundy.

Larry grundy. I...
Wait a minute. Why?

You work together in the same
plant. He lives just across the street.

Larry grundy from across the street.
We bump into each other now and then.

Daddy, you're making
Mr. Grundy sound like a stranger,

and you've known him
for at least 15 years.

I thought he was one
of your best friends.

Will youse two... huh? Is he?

One of your best friends.

Well, I got a lot of best
friends, Mr. Bradford.

Some of them I don't
hardly even know.

Is Larry grundy in some
kind of, you know, trouble?

Not at all. This is just
a routine investigation.

Well, that's good.

Now, would you say Mr. Grundy
is a man of good character?

Hey, wait a second, arch. You
don't have to answer that question.

This man can't walk in here, flash a badge
and start prying into people's characters.

Dummy up, will ya?
This is the government.

The government can do whatever
it wants. Don't you know that?

He's violating the bill of rights.
It's against the constitution.

Don't be bothering the U.S.
government with the constitution.

Why? You afraid the
government might read it?

They don't even know the
war's unconstitutional.

Don't write that
down, Mr. Bradford.

Anyway, he's talking about
another war, an old war.

You know, 1812. The
one between the states.

Archie, this guy can't
just walk in here...

Will you and Gloria just go and
finish what you was doing upstairs?

We weren't doing
anything upstairs.

Then go on upstairs
and start something!

No, no, I mean, just-just sit
there and study your book.

Hello, everybody. I'm back.

Oh! Hiya, Edith. Hey, Edith,
we got a visitor over here.

Come here. Mr. Bradford, i'd
like to introduce you to my wife.

This is Mrs. Edith bunker.
Edith, this is Mr. Bradford,

an investigator for
the federal government.

Oh, how do you do,
Mr. Bradford? Hello there.

Sit down, Mr. Bradford. You
don't have to stand up for Edith.

Archie, they was
having a sale at Macy's,

and I got you fruit of the
loom underwear for half price.

Not now, Edith. Not now.

They call 'em irregulars, but I
couldn't find nothin' irregular about 'em.

Can it wait till later? It's just that
some of them have little red hearts.

She's a little bit
on the dingbat side.

Edith, Mr. Bradford don't want
to investigate nobody's underwear.

He's investigating a neighbor
of ours, Larry grundy.

Oh, I knew this was
gonna happen. What?

He left his garbage
cans out all week.

Edith, that ain't it.

Well, that's how it piles
up if you don't keep after it.

Would you stifle yourself
and scram out of here!

Now, uh, Mr. Bradford,

what did you want to
know about Larry grundy?

Right. You ever notice the sort
of newspapers and books he reads?

Careful, arch. If he reads,
it's probably a Mark against him.

Will you button your face!

Hey, Edith, the last time you
and me was over by grundy's,

did you notice what kind of
books he's got on his shelves?

I don't remember no shelves.

There you are. No shelves,
no books. I think he's okay.

That's the back
door. I'll get it.

Right.

Do you know if Mr. Grundy
belongs to any organizations?

Oh, well, let's see.

Well, there's the
bowling team, there.

Then there's the
American legion,

the knights of Columbus.

But don't hold that last
one against him, you see.

'Cause, I mean, he's one
of your good catholics.

He don't bother with it.

Archie, can I see
you for a minute?

Edith, please. I'm working
with Mr. Bradford.

It's important.

Mr. Bradford, excuse me
just a minute, huh? What is it?

It's Larry grundy.
He's in the kitchen. Shh!

Uh, a little emergency in the
kitchen, there, Mr. Bradford.

Right.

Larry, what are you doing here?

You got a guy in there asking
questions about me... a g-man.

You're telling me. Level with me,
Archie. Why is he investigating me?

Larry, don't you know
why? No. I ain't done nothing.

He's talking to everybody in the
neighborhood... the Spencers, the gutmans.

Who knows what they're saying
about me. What did you say about me?

I just said what you
was a member of, Larry.

The bowling team, the legion,
the knights of Columbus. That's all.

There's nothing wrong
with them. Yeah, yeah,

unless you joined something
I don't know nothing about.

No! Shh!

The guy is right in there.

I'm going to talk to that
guy myself. Whoa! Hold it.

Get back here. Bad move, Larry,

because I don't think you and
me should be seen together.

Wait. You're turning
on me? No, no, Larry.

You're not forgetting
best buddies? Never, never.

All those times
fishing together...

On schroon lake and
sheepshead bay on my uncle's boat.

Remember? Hold
it. Hold it, Larry.

What? Your uncle.

How much do you really
know about your uncle?

Archie! He went
to Europe one year.

You are turning on
me! No, no, I ain't, Larry.

Best buddies, still and always.

You say you don't know what
the investigation's about, I buy that.

You say you ain't got
nothing to hide, I buy that.

But, Larry, see, I ain't
the guy you got to sell.

Now, this investigator's gonna be
wondering why I'm in here so long.

So I tell you what
you'd better do.

You go on home,
see, and take it easy.

I mean, you know, lay low.

And don't call me up, Larry.
I'll get in touch with you.

But Archie... best buddies,
Larry. Don't worry.

I ain't gonna say
nothing bad about you.

Oh, yeah, and thanks,
arch. Thanks. Oh, and Larry,

uh, you better get a lawyer.

Here I am back now.

Edith, get out of the chair.

Oh, yeah.

So where was we,
Mr. Bradford? Right.

Now, as to his
use of intoxicants,

how would you describe
Mr. Grundy's drinking habits?

He seldom buys.

But I tell you, Mr. Bradford,
like I said before,

we only bump into each
other now and then.

There ain't no real... what do
you call... connection between us.

Right. Thank you
very much, Mr. Bunker.

You've been most helpful.
Not at all, Mr. Bradford.

I'm always pleased to serve my
government like any loyal American.

Hold it just a minute, huh?

Level with me. Is, uh...
Is grundy in trouble?

Not at all.

Grundy is in trouble.

Archie, that man
just said he wasn't.

That man is from
the F.B.I., ain't he?

He didn't say he was from the
F.B.I. he's a government investigator.

Efrem zimbalist always
comes right out and says,

"I'm from the federal
bureau of investigation."

That's when they're gonna
shoot somebody, Edith.

When they're conducting an investigation,
they don't bother with that stuff.

Oh, no, no, no. No.
Larry grundy is in a jam.

Daddy, just because they're asking
questions doesn't mean he did anything.

Hold it. Hold it.

Don't answer the
phone. I'll get that.

That might be the
government again.

Hello?

Oh, mcnab. What do you want?

Mcnab, what are you
whispering about, anyway?

You've got an
investigator over there?

One of them just left here.

Hey, listen, Jimmy,
just between you and I,

why are they asking
questions about Larry grundy?

They're asking questions
about me? What the hell for?

Jimmy, I ain't done nothin'!

Listen, I'm gonna come
right over there... what?

What do you mean, "maybe we
oughtn't to be seen together"?

Hey, listen, mcnab. I...

Hey, Jim... Jim!

This creep hung up on me.

What is it, Archie? They're
investigating me, Edith.

What for? I don't know what for.

Mcnab says there's an investigator
at his house asking questions about me.

That's crazy. First
Mr. Grundy and now you?

Grundy. That's it. He's up
to his neck in something.

They know I'm his best buddy.
They think I'm in it with him.

In what?

Whatever it is he's in, meathead!
How the hell do I know?

Daddy, I think you're
getting uptight over nothing.

What do you mean, "nothing"?
You call that nothing?

Investigators going around the
neighborhood asking neighbors about you.

You should have heard mcnab
on the phone there. Nervous.

That dumb Mick, he's so
scared, he'll tell them anything.

Wait till they get to
old man bellini. Oh, bellini.

Why did I have to
call that dago a dago?

Archie, how can your
friends hurt you?

By spilling
everything they know.

But there ain't nothing to
spill. You ain't done nothing.

It's only my word
against the F.B.I.'s.

So? The F.B.I. can't
do nothing to you.

How do you know that?
'Cause you're innocent.

But of what, Edith? Of what?

Archie, aren't you
gonna eat your dinner?

I ain't got no appetite.
Forget about dinner.

Can I have your portion, arch?

You know, I think you'd
eat through a tidal wave.

Lionel said he was coming
over here. What's keeping him?

He said he'd run over as soon as
the investigator left his house.

Oh, geez. If that
ain't mortifying.

The government checking
me out with the coloreds.

I don't know what you're
so worried about, arch.

Investigation has become
the new American way of life.

Everybody's doing it... the
army, the Navy, the senate.

Banks and businesses... every
little credit bureau investigates.

Hire a hall, will ya?

This ain't no little credit
bureau of investigation.

This is the federal
bureau of investigation.

Are they still out there? Sure
they are, Edith. Look out there.

I don't see nobody. Of
course you don't, Edith.

Them F.B.I. guys are experts
at keeping themselves hid.

Then how do you
know they're watching?

Edith, when they ain't
watching, you can see 'em,

and when you can't see
'em, they're watching.

- You see?
- Oh.

Them F.B.I. guys
are damn tricky.

You don't really believe the F.B.I. has
you under constant surveillance, do you?

Sure he does, Gloria. Why else would
he put the flag out front at 8:00 at night?

Because I love the flag.

Sure you do, arch. It's useful too.
That way you can spot the F.B.I. guys...

When they come out
of the bushes to salute.

You better keep filling your face.
You're eating for two, you know.

Edith, you see that empty
house next to Rizzo's there?

Yeah. You see the open window?

Was that window open yesterday?

Archie, I don't know
what you're talking about.

Edith, they put guys
into houses like that...

To watch 24 hours a day through
high-powered "spectaculars."

Hey, that's right, arch. Yeah.

I hear they've got
listening devices too.

Be very careful what you say.
They've probably got the house bugged.

They could have the... no!
What are you talking about?

They couldn't do that
without nobody knowing!

What do you say a stupid
thing like that for anyhow?

Letting your imagination
go crazy, talking about bugs.

There ain't no
such thing around.

Did you lose something, Archie?

- I didn't lose nothing, Edith!
- No, he's just looking
for bugs.

Bugs? There ain't
no bugs in this house.

I spread the roach
paste around last week.

Why are you torturing me?

No, ma, I'm talking about microphones.
The F.B.I. can plant those things anyplace.

Keep your voice down. Let's
not get nobody sore at us, huh?

Oh, I think it's too
late for that, arch.

If Bradford planted a bug, they've
heard everything you've said since then.

I ain't said nothin' since
then. Well, I don't know.

You said the F.B.I.'s tricky. That
could be very damaging. Shh!

I ain't never been nothing but a patriotic
citizen as long as I've been alive.

I've been a number one
loyal fan of j. Edgar hoover,

the greatest commie
catcher of them all,

and remember where
youse all heard that.

From Archie bunker, 704 hauser
street, veteran of the big war.

Why was you talking
into the camel, Archie?

Keep your voice down.

Why was you talking
into the camel?

Keep your voice down! Geez...

They can plant
microphones anywhere.

They got microphones as
small as an olive or a raisin.

Hey, arch! Look at this! Huh?

That looks like a button. It
is. I just tore it off my sleeve.

Are you trying to make
a monkey out of me?

You're doing it to yourself, acting scared
and guilty, worrying about microphones.

The F.B.I. is investigating
your father. The bell.

That's the door.
Edith, wait a minute.

It might be another
one of them g-men, see?

So don't say anything
until you're sure who it is.

These guys can disguise themselves
as anything. Go ahead. I'll be up here.

All right.

Hi, Mrs. Bunker.
Oh, it's Lionel.

I think.

Get over here.

What took you so long?
What happened, Lionel?

This agent came to our house and said
he had to question your close friends.

Close friends? Who'd he
talk to over at your house?

The whole family. We's
close friends, ain't we?

I know that, Lionel, but tell
me what the man said, huh?

Well, he asked if you
were a loyal American,

if you took more
than a social drink,

do you read much, did we
ever hear you discuss politics...

Yeah, yeah. Lionel, what
did you say? Oh, let me see.

Yes, no, no, yes,
maybe sometimes...

Hold it! Lionel, I
can't follow that!

Tell me what was asked
and what youse answered.

There was nothing to it,
really. We know what you are,

and we told him.

Lionel, just give me a
"for instance" on that, huh?

Well, we said you were 100
percent behind the constitution.

Which I am. One hundred
percent behind civil rights.

Which I... hold it.

Well, you are for
civil rights, aren't you?

Lionel, that depends. I mean, it
depends on what the man said...

When you told him I said that.

What did he say?
Oh, he said, "right."

Then, you mean, the F.B.I.
thinks I'm for the coloreds?

It don't matter if you are
or not. We said you was.

And when we say something
nowadays, they listen.

- Bye, Mr. Bunker.
- Bye, Lionel.

Wasn't that sweet
of the jeffersons,

giving you a nice
recommendation?

The F.B.I. better
think it's nice,

or I'll be wearing my fruit of
the loom drawers in leavenworth.

Anyone... anyone
home besides family?

Larry, did anybody
see you coming in here?

No, I snuck in the back way.

What is this with the uniform?

I got bugle practice tonight
over at the legion hall.

What are you trying to prove?

Since when do you have to
wear a uniform to bugle practice?

Since you started
flying your flag at night.

You ain't kidding nobody, 'cause I know
there was a g-man at mcnab's today...

Investigating you.

Investigating me because I
was best buddies with you.

"Was" is right.
"Was" is what I said.

Hey, come on, you guys. You're
letting this thing snowball.

This fear and suspicion's crazy.

He's the one that's crazy.
He's calling me UN-American.

The F.B.I. done that. It ain't
my fault if you're a subversive.

Me? A two-time commander...

Of American legion
post 3201 a subversive?

Benedict Arnold was an admiral,

and he was as
subversive as a termite.

Listen, you. I fought for my country.
Purple heart... wounded in action.

Wounded in action? You was wounded
trying to open a beer can in the px.

It was during
the war, wasn't it?

Listen, I got war decorations,
too, and real ones.

You want me to get your
"good conduct" medal?

Will you stay out of this?

I want to tell you something
else. I don't have to dress up...

In no uniform like a tin soldier
to prove that I'm American.

You... you're attacking
the American legion!

No, I ain't, buddy.
I'm attacking you.

I should have known there was
something a little funny about you...

The night you come into kelcy's
bar with that weird old pal of yours.

- Who are you talking about?
- I'm talking about petey.

The guy with the strawberry
burl on the side of his nose.

He was always covering
it up with talcum powder.

Petey, the white-nosed commie.

Pete... petey, a commie?

That's right, and
you are his pal.

Listen, don't you point at me, not
with what you got living in your house.

What are you talking about?
This subversive radical here.

Hey, hey, hey... you've got him living
with you, and what does that make you?

You longhaired freak. Hey! Hey!

You keep away from me.

I seen you walking down the street
carrying peace signs out in the open.

"Peace" this and "peace" that.

"Down with war." All kinds
of UN-American slogans.

I'm sorry, commander. I didn't know
that peace was on the subversive list.

You hear that commie talk? Now,
that's a dangerous subversive.

You're nuts, grundy. The kid's
stupid, but he ain't dangerous.

No, no, you can't
weasel out of this.

You got a pinko subversive
living under your own roof,

and you're as bad as he is.

Listen. You want to
step outside? Anytime.

No, daddy! Oh, no, arch.

No, no! Keep away from me.

You step outside with me, you're
gonna be the sorriest white man living.

There ain't never been
a day I couldn't take you.

Oh, yeah? Yeah? Yeah. Yeah.

You're both acting like
children, and such good friends.

Don't try to hold me back. I'm gonna
have to beat the dog out of this guy.

Oh, I'm waiting, bunker.

You are, huh? You're
ready, huh? Yeah! Yeah!

You're ready to go, huh? Then
take off that uniform! Yeah!

I ain't gonna fight against
the American uniform.

If I take off this uniform,
you're in big trouble.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Go on! Take it off right now!

Well, first I got to go
to bugle practice, don't I?

Listen, you'd better
be on your way,

or they'll be blowing
"taps" for you, bugler.

- Hit the trail.
- I ain't moving an inch until
I get back my fishing rods...

Which I loaned you last summer.

Answer that phone. You
want back the fishing rods...

You loaned to me last
summer, huh? Hello?

Well, I'll give 'em to you.
They're right in the closet.

Here. Take 'em.

And when you get 'em home, you know
what you can do with 'em, hooks and all.

Archie, it's about
the investigation.

It's Mr. Hoppy,
your shop steward.

Hoppy, the shop...

Hiya, Billy. Archie
here. What's up?

Huh? No kidding?

Yeah, yeah, I understand, Billy.

Yeah, sure. Thanks
for calling me up.

Yeah. Bye-bye.

What is it, Archie?

That was Billy hoppy, the shop steward.
He's been calling the guys from work.

It's about this investigation.

He said it ain't the F.B.I. doing
it at all. It's the air force.

It's because of some defense
contract we had down at the plant.

Defense contract? Oh, yeah.
Them little gizmos we was making...

That looked like a
bottle cap with a tail on it.

That was for the
air force? Yeah.

We finished off that
contract six months ago.

Yeah, yeah.

That's what Billy
reminded 'em, so...

The union called up
the air force, and, uh,

they dropped the
whole thing like that.

Then all the snooping
was for nothing.

Yeah. Well, ain't
that wonderful!

Then you two can stop fighting.

You can be best buddies again.

Can't you?

Ah, well.

All that "best buddy" stuff...

Is all for kids, anyhow.

Hey, arch, listen to this. We've
been doing some research...

On some of the people investigated
by the government in the last year.

Yeah, daddy, you're
in good company.

Congressmen, senators,
supreme court judges.

Did you hear that,
Archie? How about that?

Yeah.

Dr. Spock, huey
Newton, father berrigan,

Abbie Hoffman, Jerry rubin...

All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.