Original subtitles

did I do to deserve this?

I mean, I know the week leading up to your wedding isn't going to be the

smoothest of rides, but ultimately, it's meant to be the best week of your life.

Morning.

Morning.

How long have you been looking at me?

Hours.

I'll take my eyes off you.

Come here.

Nice way to start the week.

You're going to be late for work. I'll be very quick.

Hello, Mum.

Calm down. Calm down, Mum. Just tell me what's happened.

Right. Right, OK.

Yeah.

Yeah, deep breaths, Mum. Deep breaths. It's important to keep breathing.

They've delivered the wrong chairs.

No, no, no. Killing yourself wouldn't help things.

Look, why don't Howard and I come down?

Yeah, we'll help you sort it out.

Yeah. Yeah, tonight, fine.

You know, of course it's not a problem.

OK, all right, yeah, yeah. We'll see you later. All right, yeah. Bye, bye.

The chairs they've delivered for the reception are executive conference

not banquet dining chairs.

Oh, no.

So we can only get nine chairs round a table, not ten.

So there's a problem with the seating plan.

Oh, dear.

I said we'd go down, help them sort it out.

Yes.

Yes, I heard.

Oh, well.

Here's another evening at your parents'. I mean, we're having the wedding there,

the reception's there.

I suppose we could always go the whole hog and have the honeymoon there as

Howard, don't you like my family?

Of course I like your family.

I'm just not sure if they like me.

No, they do like you.

They just don't know you very well.

Whereas I know you extremely well.

Mum said we mustn't forget to get something for the bridesmaid. It's on my

And she asked, have you called the video man?

Yeah, yeah, I spoke to him last night. Rare interview.

And don't forget the ring.

I'm picking it up on my way to work.

So this is it.

Big week.

Yeah.

Nervous?

I'm terrified.

What about you?

Oh, gosh, why didn't we just get married on a beach somewhere just the two of

us? Hey, because your family want you to have the most wonderful day of your

life.

My dad wants to get rat arsed at your father's expense.

I have to go to work today.

Yeah, sorry, honey.

Neville called a meeting to discuss my future.

Whatever that means.

You don't want to get fired, are you? Of course not.

I'm on budget.

Hitting my targets. I'm doing very well.

Oh, morning, Howard.

Oh, yes, good weekend.

Oh, yes, I made 22 jars of green -gauge jam.

Now go on, on your death.

Oh, thank you.

What, when's this meeting with Neville happening? Oh, he said he'd call down.

Now, you need to sign off the lat on the cover before you go. Okay, he didn't

say what it was about, did he? Oh, never mentioned that, no.

Paul from the taxi has called about Richard.

Oh, and Mel called.

Asked if you've got the ring.

Just picked it up from the jewellers.

Could you call her?

Absolutely.

Is there something else?

I just wondered if I could have a look at it.

Oh, here, help yourself.

Oh, it's lovely.

It's been in Mel's family for 150 years.

They have this rather charming tradition where they pass it down from generation

to generation.

Eve, what is it?

Oh, sorry, I always get that idea about weddings.

Oh, don't cry.

Will there still time?

Do you really think so?

Yes.

I don't think so.

Just you believe it.

One day you'll have a ring just like this on your finger.

In my dreams.

Try on.

See what it feels like. I can't do that.

Yeah, I picked it up on my way in.

He's reduced it by three millimetres, so it should fit pretty snugly now. What

are you doing?

No, no, you're going to be really pleased with it.

Oh, really?

It's stuck?

Yeah, they've done a superb job.

Well, get it off. I'm trying.

I know, I know. I can't wait to show it to your grandmother tonight.

For God's sake, you go.

Oh, just pack me a toothbrush and a pair of boxers.

to put the ring on my fiancé's finger, it would be very nice if my surgery was

not attached.

No!

No, nothing's wrong.

Um, look, I've got a dash, so I'll see you later.

Don't do it, Armand. It's a trap.

You'll spend the rest of your life at Ikea.

So we'd like to wish you and Mel every happiness and hope you have a great day

on Saturday.

You have been talking in the last few weeks quite often about starting a

We thought we'd buy you a melon, not a little something.

It's a little bit cheeky, but I'm sure it'll come in useful very soon.

Howard, Howard, do a grand prix.

Spray the champagne.

Yes.

Thank you, Neville.

Thank you, all of you.

Don't really know what to say.

I've got something to say, Howard.

What's that, Cathy?

I'm having my baby.

You want me to spell it out?

I'm giving birth to our child.

That's impossible.

No, it's not. We slept together. Once. We slept together once.

You must have hit the bull's eye then.

Kathy, it was two years ago.

What's all this about?

Don't marry Mel. What? I love you.

Kathy, look. We had that one night, which was very pleasant. It was more

very pleasant.

It was bad.

Your soft hands caressing me.

Your fingers exploring every inch. Much of me. Your tongue like a feather

flicking over my skin. I shuddered and groaned with every touch.

Nobody's ever made love like that to me before.

You're deep inside me.

Stop it.

Don't tell me that didn't mean anything.

Not too late to call it off.

The wedding.

I'm not calling my wedding off.

Marry me.

She's mad.

Completely bonkers.

Anyway, thanks for organising this.

Let's get this party swinging.

Tuck in, everyone. Have a mini Kiev.

Just to explain, Kathy and I did have a thing at the Christmas party, but that

was two years ago, so there's no way she's having my baby.

She just said all that because she's not too keen on me marrying Mill.

Anyway, somebody open that damn champagne.

Let's see what this is. No, no. Don't bother. No, I want to.

Come on, come on.

What can it be? What can it be?

It's a... Pregnancy testing kit. Thank you, Neville.

Good day at the office?

Mmm.

How was your meeting?

Oh, fine.

No problems.

Had Mum on the phone all day, driving me crazy.

Oh, I spoke to Granny.

She's really looking forward to seeing the ring.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, Mel, I've got a tiny confession to make about that. What? You haven't lost

it, have you? Lost it?

Of course I haven't lost it. Where is it, then?

Back at the office. You've left it at the office?

Where? Well, I just, you know, I left it in my desk.

You've left it lying around your desk?

Initially, yes. And then I thought, you know, ooh, that's a stupid idea, so I

put it in the safe.

You've got a safe in the office?

Yes, we have, and it's perfectly safe.

In the safe. Howard, I told you to bring it with you. I know, I know. I'm sorry,

honey, I just forgot.

I phoned you twice to remind you.

You're, uh...

Getting a bit close to the lorry now.

Granny's going to be very disappointed.

Very close to the lorry now.

Very close, Dean Adler. Very large, very articulated lorry.

And you.

Are we in a hurry, darling?

Yes. Yes, I thought we'd be there by six.

Mum wants to get on with dinner so she can crack on with the seating plan.

Oh, fine. Did she mention what she was cooking by any chance?

Stew, I think.

Ah. Which one?

I don't know.

The brown one or the green one?

I think they said it was the Langula.

The brown one.

Apparently you told her it was your favourite.

The best meal you'd ever had.

My favourite mother -in -law to be. Sit down.

Look, seats far too wide.

We'll never get ten people to a table.

Well, don't worry.

The rescue team have arrived to solve the seating plan problem.

Don't tell me not to worry. No, no, I didn't mean it. You know, I've been on

phone all day to that stupid company being passed from one department to

and put on hold. If I hear another verse of Greensleeves, I'll scream.

Can we just get in the house, Mum?

Pinky! Hello,

Pinky.

Oh, I've got something for you, Binky.

Ginger.

Hard. Binky doesn't like ginger.

Sorry, love. It's the only place it can be.

Oh, no.

Oh, how big it is. It's just the main. I mean,

if we only had one leg, it gets coming. We'd be fine. They'd have plenty of leg

room. But we don't. I'm sure it's the perfectly simple solution.

Oh, good.

Well, perhaps you'd let me know what it is, Hard.

Oh, well, er... Sophie!

And how's my favourite sister -in -law to be? Have you seen what I'm meant to

wearing? It's very elegant.

It's crap!

Oh, for goodness sake! Well, it's OK for you.

You're going to be in 20 feet of crushed white silk and I'm going to be waddling

behind a little piece of crap.

Sophie! No.

I'm not wearing it. Oh, for goodness sake, don't be so silly!

Take it away. I'll go like this. Sophie! Sophie, the whole idea is that all the

bridesmaids' dresses match.

Isn't it hard?

Hard?

Oh, absolutely.

All the bridesmaids' breasts should match.

I think I'm just going to go and catch up with your dad.

Oh, and how's my favourite father -in -law to be?

Hello, Howard.

How's the war coming on?

Churchill was right.

Bricklaying is a wonderful cure for stress.

Oh, absolutely.

Have you tried it?

No, no, no, I haven't.

Then how do you know?

I don't suppose.

So, send anyone down today?

Sorry? Send anyone down today?

How do you mean?

Did you, like, send anyone to prison?

No, not today.

Ah. Feeling lenient, then, were you?

No, I wasn't in court today.

Ah.

Rarely work Mondays.

I see.

I've been building my wall.

Right.

I'd, uh...

Quite like to have been a judge.

Silence in court. I sentence you to life imprisonment.

Objection, Your Honour.

Overruled. May I approach the bench, Your Honour?

Permission denied.

Case dismissed.

Can I have my trowel back? Yes, of course.

Well, the wall's looking good.

You know, I'd better go and unpack.

Good talking to you.

No!

No! No!

No!

No!

Your favourite, Hard.

Thank you, Angela.

Right.

Tuck in, everyone.

Ooh.

How is it, Hard?

I like a man who likes his food.

Oh, which reminds me.

Cousin Libby has suddenly become a vegetarian. Now, do you think we've got

enough vegetarian options?

Look, for five minutes, can we please not talk about the wedding? What a

splendid idea.

So, how are things in the world of publishing, Howard?

Oh, very good, Angela. Thanks for asking. I've got a brilliant new writer,

Latimer, who I have poached from another publisher.

He's going to be huge.

Should make myself and the future Mr.

Steele here very comfortably off indeed.

Is he an anatomer?

Yeah, yeah.

Do you know him? Didn't he write, um, Campus Club?

Yeah, yeah. I, um... I believe that was one of his. Yeah. Uh, that was actually

for the other publisher.

Um... Not as bad as it sounds.

Yeah, I read it. Did you? And, uh... Absolutely filthy.

Yeah. Well, um...

The one I'm doing with him.

Some, like, really hardcore stuff. Quite graphic. This one's pretty tame.

Too much sex about these days. People are obsessed with it. I agree.

Absolutely. It's everywhere.

In the newspapers, on the television.

The last thing we need is more sex on the bookshelves. Dick, I couldn't agree

with you more.

So, what's this new Latimer book called, then? Hot and Hard.

Um...

It's actually about a chap that crosses the Sahara Desert. You know, it's... I

mean, it's hot because it's the Sahara Desert, and hard... because it's not

easy.

Perhaps we should talk about the wedding.

Hello, Granny.

Hello. I'm afraid we've started, Ma. Oh,

it's the lavender oolash.

I don't think I'll bother.

So, let's have a look at the ring.

Yes, I was going to bring down the ring, Granny, but what with everything being

so crazy at the office, I... I've simply forgot.

Well, where is it?

Don't worry, it's in the safe at the office.

You have a safe in your office?

Yes, yes. Pinky, get down.

And has Mel told you the history of the ring?

No, no.

But, Pinky!

He's a little rascal, isn't he?

Oh, it's a pleasure, you little rascal.

Queen Victoria gave that ring to my great -grandmother for her wedding.

Did she?

Did she really?

Hello?

Hello, Howard.

The ring was a gift from Queen Victoria.

Oh, that's nice.

Are you any closer to finding it?

We're working on it. Great.

Sorry, I didn't know you were... Dick!

No! Dick!

All this trouble because that stupid company can't deliver the right chairs.

Well, look, we can move the dentist to table four.

No, no, Roger has to be near the loose.

At Vanessa's wedding, he got stuck in a corner and he just didn't make it in

time. I remember that wedding. We had a marquee in November and it was bloody

freezing.

You can see the steam coming off Roger's trousers in the video.

Are you all right, Dick?

Pardon?

You look like you've seen a ghost.

Angela, he was inspecting his stools. What?

Oh, stools.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

We're not sitting on stools.

You can't invite 150 people to a wedding and expect them to sit on stools.

Right, OK.

What if you split the Hendersons across two tables, swap the Faulkners with

Cousin Libby and Ray, move the Wilkinsons next to the Laycocks, and put

Commander Phillips here next to the Schmitz, and pray like mad he doesn't go

about the bombing of Dresden?

No! You've done it!

Well done!

Yes!

I'll take a closer look tomorrow when it's light.

We were just standing here and then we heard these thuds. Thuds, thuds, thuds.

Yeah, it was really spooky.

Yeah, but there'd be daylight out of me. I've never seen anything like it.

Perhaps it was a bird.

A bird?

What kind of bird could do that?

Do you think it's those squirrels? I knew we should have done something about

them. They'll make the lives of those caterers on Saturday absolute hell. Oh,

don't think it was the squirrels.

Ah, Stilton.

Mel has cracked the feeding plan.

Really? Oh, that's wonderful.

Well done, Mellie.

I was wondering what I was doing earlier, and I know what it must have

like, but I can assure you I wasn't fishing my excrement out of your

and throwing it onto your conservatory roof.

What I was actually... Sorry, it's my secretary. I've got to get this.

Eve? I've got it!

What? The ring!

It was in the main sewer!

Oh, fantastic!

Well done, Eve. Bring it down tomorrow.

I was going to send it registered mail.

No, no, no, no. It might get lost again. Bring it down first thing.

Oh, right.

Good girl.

Here we are.

Oh.

Thanks. Thank you.

Splendid news.

The ring will be arriving tomorrow.

So that's splendid news, isn't it?

About the ring arriving tomorrow.

Where's Granny gone?

Oh, she's gone up.

Sophie, too. Then I'll look forward to showing her the ring when it arrives

tomorrow.

How's the seating plan coming along, Angela? Not too close, Howard. Yes, of

course.

Look,

I'm sorry about the other seating plan, Angela.

Oh!

My word!

Oh, you did look stunning on your wedding day, Angela.

Well, I was a lot younger then.

And how old are you in this one? 30?

No.

50 -something.

Never. You don't look a day over 30.

Excuse me. It's me you're marrying, not my mother.

I don't know. Still time to change my mind, eh, Angela?

Brandy. Thank you, Dick.

Actually, while I've got the two of you together, I'd like to propose a toast.

To you, Dick and Angela. Wonderful parents with a wonderful family.

A family I'm really looking forward to being part of.

Let's hope this week's a memorable one for all of us.

Time for my bed.

Actually, Dick, just before you go, it's not too inconvenient.

I would actually quite like for Mel and myself to have separate bedrooms.

Oh? It's just a traditional that the bride and groom keep their distance in

week leading up to the wedding day, and, you know, I'd like to respect that

tradition.

I'll make up the spare room.

Oh, isn't that sweet, Dick?

Oh, and, Dick, about earlier... I'm going to bed.

Right. Night, Dad.

Good night, darling.

Good night, Dad.

So what happened earlier?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

See you in five minutes.

My room's second on the right.

What? We've got unfinished business from this morning.

Mel, I'm not coming to your room. Why not?

I just talked to your parents about separate bedrooms. Yeah, but you weren't

being serious, were you? Yes, yes.

You know, I really want your parents to like me.

I'll be in in five minutes.

I want some more love.

Who was it? No one. I think you're trying to chat me up, Harry.

Oh. My nipples.

off a cocktail sausage.

Someone's urinated in the grandfather's house. I just want to make things

better. What are you making?