Original subtitles

- Dear heavenly Father, Jim Dangle is a good fella.

Please look after him tonight.

- Lord, please look after the lieutenant tonight.

He's in a tough spot.

- God, please, when will I get my period?

Oh, and if you get a minute,

could you look after my friend Jim Dangle?

He looks like he's kind of losing it.

Oh, Lord.

What a year!

I got weasel pox

and then I got rebound weasel pox,

and then I bought all that cryptocurrency

because of that excellent commercial with Matt Damon.

And then I finally got that

Alanis Morissette tramp stamp that I wanted,

and the guy spelled it...

so close, but not-- not exactly right.

Oh, hey, sir?

Please don't fuck my bicycle.

That's my bike that you're fucking, sir.

Hey, sir? Sir?

OK, guess what?

Joke's on you, that bike seat has weasel pox on it.

Oh, Lord.

If there was ever a Christmas angel out there,

I sure could use one tonight.

- Bee! - Ahh! Oh, my God!

Terry?

- No, it's a Christmas angel.

- It's Terry as a Christmas angel.

- Yeah, that's my name.

- You got new skates. - Yeah.

- You put mistletoe on your--

- On my gennies.

All the elves gather around, and then they rub it

and then I make a candy cane

and then snow comes out in their face.

- Terry. - What?

- I'm just having the worst year ever.

I hate to say this,

but wouldn't the world be better

if maybe I'd just never been born?

How can you say that?

- I just did, with my mouth, out into your face.

- Lieutenant Dangle, do you want to see what Reno would

be like if you were never born?

- Show me, Terry.

What do I have to do?

- It's real simple.

Just hold on to my jingle berries.

- Is this a--your trick-- no, this is a trick.

- No, it's not.

- OK.

Where there's a will, there's a way.

- Oh, my gosh.

- Is that--no!

- Yes.

- Trudy?

Yes.

- She's incomparable.

- Trudy!

- No, she can't hear you.

Remember, you were never born.

- Is that Rizzo? Rizzo!

Rizzo, It's Jim!

- He can't hear you.

- Oh, right.

- Not on my watch.

- Go!

Yeah!

Thank you, everyone!

My name is Trudy Wiegel.

I love each and every one of you!

- Let's see what Jones is like if you were never born.

Show me no more!

Show me no--

Holy snot.

Jones is the mother-effing Sunday front-of-house manager

at the mother-effing Melting Crock?

- Oh, yeah. - My God.

- Hot-cha.

- Yeah.

- Oh, my God. They love him so much.

- He's worshipped.

- All right, let's fon-do this!

- Where? Why?

Is that Kimball?

- I would do literally anything if you would get us a table

sooner than 45 minutes.

- Well, maybe I can accommodate you and your little pussy.

- Oh, there isn't a cat in this cat carrier.

There's a snake.

And I have a doctor's note that says I'm allowed

to bring it into restaurants.

- Table's ready.

- Boy, it sure is.

- Kimball's hot, and she owns a snake?

- Yes.

See, this is what their lives are like

if you were never born and fucked everything up!

- No.

No!

Terry, don't show me any more.

- Wait till we see Clemmy. - No!

- And this time-- - No!

- Brace yourself. - No.

No!

No.

No!

Terry, no!

Not Clementine!

- It's real!

- She was the only photogenic one!

And she also owes me $1,500 for spray tan sessions

that we were going to split, and then she was like,

I'll use half and you use half.

No, Terry, no!

- Yes, look at her.

- And that's how elegant you would look in this,

the Cadillac of all coffins.

Did I mention it has Bluetooth in case you're buried alive

and want to talk to someone about it,

or listen to a podcast?

- Hi, Clemmy!

- She can't hear you, remember?

I've told you that. - Sounds expensive.

- Maybe you've seen my brand new Suzuki Outback

with optional roof rack outside.

- You're rich, bitch.

- I'm the best coffin salesman in the Sierras.

- I know that's right.

For some reason, all my husbands keep dying.

Wah, wah.

- I'm sorry for your loss.

- Oh!

You know what I really want to do right now?

- What?

- Listen to the Chipmunks' "Greatest Hits"

and go pee on Terry.

- I would love to pee on Terry and listen to the Chipmunks.

- ♪ Pee on Terry and listen to the Chipmunks ♪

- ♪ Alvin ♪ - ♪ Simon ♪

- ♪ Theodore ♪

- ♪ I said, Alvin ♪

both: ♪ Simon and Theodore ♪

- Alvin. Simon.

Ahh! - Urine! Urine!

- Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

- What? Oh, my gosh! - Oh. Oh.

Terry! - What?

- Oh!

- Where's all the pee I was promised

by the girls with big boobs?

- I think you were projecting all of that.

I just heard a bell ringing.

Oh, my gosh.

Every time a bell rings, an angel gets a tug job.

- From?

- Not me.

- I've been to Tug Jobs Anonymous.

I'm in there right now. Don't tell anybody.

- Who else is in it with you?

- It's me and Gary Busey's mailman.

- Terry! - God! What?

- What day is it?

- Oh, my God!

It's only a couple days till Christmas!

Then there's still time!

- There's still time to get peed on!

- Uh, and--and/or other things.

- Right, but mainly peed on. - Go.

Just go. Go, go, go, go, go,

- Asparagus? - Go.

- Eat asparagus. - Go.

Merry Christmas, dirty old pervert man!

- Fuck this place.

- Merry Christmas, Reno!

- Merry Christmas, weed store!

- Merry Christmas, you old dildo shop!

- Merry Christmas, Soup on a Stick!

- Merry Christmas, frozen dildo shop!

- Merry Christmas, Genital Decorators!

- Merry Christmas, paint-your-own dildo shop!

- Merry Christmas, Animal Butt Plugs!

- Terry?

Were we supposed to get going, Terry?

- Anyway, your lives were great.

Good morning, gang. - Good morning.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

- Uh, this week's briefings are brought to you

by Fugly Nubs, the app that gets

horrifyingly ugly yet very usable parts

of chickens directly to you.

- Wait, what?

- The way you eat a chicken, it's skinned, and the pieces--

I've never considered them attractive.

- Well, I'm sorry. The fine print says,

uh, "Parts of chickens

that aren't even usable in Mexican restaurants."

- It sounds like this company isn't selling you

- Does everyone remember the oath that HR made us take?

And I won't show my wiener to anybody.

- I will not show my wiener to anybody.

- No such thing as a penis oath.

- What are we doing? - Oh.

- Oh, we were just taking an oath that we wouldn't

show people our wieners.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Well, we had a situation with a--

- Yeah, there's a chimpanzee running through the mall.

- Chimpanzee.

- It got into the Santa sack and, uh,

we don't know where it is.

- It's all part of a terrible ransom.

- You're being chimp-sacked?

- Not a thing. - The adult male chimpanzee

has nine times the grip of that of a male adult.

The secret is, you have to be a chimp

of a higher status.

It's a status game, mates.

Watch and learn.

- He's over here, behind the--

- He knows what he's doing.

This is good.

- All right, this is no good.

You need, like, a moose or something.

A reindeer is not big enough.

- OK. - Not big enough.

- Bigger chimp. - Bigger chimp.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Status game.

- Oh, yes. Yeah, OK. - Come on.

Come on, chimpie. - OK, OK.

- Oh. Oh, no, no, no.

That sounds--that sounds bad. - Oh!

- Oh, he's OK!

- He's got a bit of fight in him, that one.

All right, different tactic.

I want him to think that I'm a female.

You, you.

I need some musk.

This way--this way-- - OK.

- He'll think that I'm a woman. - That works.

That works. - Not enough.

Not enough. - Oh!

- You want some? Oh.

- OK. - Hey.

- Oh.

- Guys, it's totally standard. - That'll do it.

He'll like that. He'll like that.

- OK, good. You're welcome.

- Maybe. Santa, come here.

- You smell like a woman.

- It's funny, because usually when a man

sticks his arm up my crotch, I get his name first.

- Now it's time for the tender trap.

- OK.

- Godspeed.

- Oh, you go--you go, girl.

- Not in there! Put him down.

Put him down.

- Is your foot in it? - Leave it, no!

No!

- Ahh!

Oh, oh.

- He's in--

- Ahh! - Oh, he's alive.

- Oh. - He's alive.

- I got him.

I choked him out.

- You choked him out.

Oh.

- He's not going to bother you anymore.

He's a nice fella.

Just needed a bit of love. - Oh.

- Thank you, brave sir.

- You're a hero. - Brave sir.

Oh, thank you so much.

Your items. - Ah, wow. Wow.

- Uh, let's--is this dumb?

Can get a--can we get a snap with the squad?

- Oh, yeah. That's a great idea.

Come on, come on.

- That's great. Whoops.

Can everybody go, "whoops"? That's great.

- Hey, hey, hey! - Oh!

- Oh, you got him, Jim!

- I'm OK!

- It's a Christmas miracle!

- Let's get the photo.

Season's greetings!

all: Season's greetings.

- Only three days left to Christmas.

Bargains are abound.

- Does anybody want an Ice N Tasty?

No, I need one to put on--

to ice my tasties. - Morning, officers.

Morning, morning.

- Well, hello there. - Good morning.

- Thank you for your service.

We saw what you got up to this morning.

- Oh, yeah. We got, uh--uh--

- Chimp--you got chimp-sacked.

- We got chimp-sacked. - We sure did.

- My name is Gunner.

- And my name is Ronnie Donald Ceviche.

- And I am Hold 'Em.

- And I am Fold 'Em.

- Yeah. We are the current stewards

of the Kenny Rogers' Life Exhibit.

- Is this some kind of traveling Kenny Rogers museum?

- Some kind?

This is the traveling Kenny Rogers museum.

- We're talking too much.

It's almost time to start our show.

- Oh, oh, oh! - And...

- Born 21 August, 1938, Kenneth Donald Rogers,

known to his family as Kenneth Ray,

went on to be nominated 19 times for a Grammy

and sold over 121 million records worldwide.

- This is the exact size Kenny was

when he was this size.

- Child-size Kenny. - It looks just like him.

It looks just like him.

- And he grew up in poverty, surrounded by rats.

- No. That's not a rat, sir.

That is a nine-banded Texas armadillo.

The Texas tank.

- Well, this was amazing.

I wish there was more to see.

Oh--oh, there is more!

Oh, wow.

Oh, whoa! - Whoa!

- Kenny Rogers stood at least 6 feet tall.

Rumor is, he never looked down on any man,

but every man looked up to him.

- Look, look.

I'm big enough that if you skinned me,

Kenny Rogers could wear me.

- Your brain works weird.

I like it.

- This has all of Kenny's songs in Japanese?

- Yep. All of them.

- Why?

- Is this a suit that he wore? - Well, this--

just like everything you're about to see--

is something that Kenny actually wore himself

or is a pretty accurate just this side of replica.

- This is a replica that Kenny would have worn,

had Kenny worn a replica like this one.

- It would have been this one. - That's right.

- Kenny grew up really poor.

He couldn't afford a kitty, so he had a baby goat.

They nicknamed him Smitty.

- This goat feels like hard plastic.

Is that what that is? - It is.

- That's what that is. This is not even a real goat?

- I mean, it's a goat in there, but we lacquered it.

And then after a while it started to delaminate, so--

- Magnificent.

- Also just a test of, could we laminate a goat?

- Yeah.

- Well, you never know until you try.

- OK.

Hi.

I don't see anybody.

Let's do this quick.

- OK. - Ready?

both: One, two, three.

- All right. So the plan is, we call--

we call animal control. - Right.

- And they come pick this thing up.

- Yeah. - Right?

- Yeah.

- And it has a very happy life somewhere

in some--in something that looks like

a Tarzan set, right?

- Or--or we leave it here, and it just can run free.

- That's right. You know, it's like a jungle.

It's like a concrete jungle.

We're releasing the monkey in the concrete--

- Hello? - Hello?

- Hello?

- Oh! - Oh, my God.

Oh, my--

- Hey! - Keith!

- Hey, man. - Where am I?

- What are you doing in that sack?

- What am I doing in that sack?

- We got-- what's he doing here?

- Did you guys tranq me?

- Wait, if you're here, then--

- Who'd we drop at the strip club?

- You can take me to the strip club.

- No, no, no. You stay here.

We should go. We'll check it out.

- Yeah. - We should go.

- I got to go home!

I know my wife's worried sick!

She's bigger than me!

- Is this what I think this is?

- If you think this is Kenny Rogers' bones,

it absolutely is.

- Please no flash photography.

I can only keep it open in little spurts,

much like a Caravaggio.

- Three, two, one.

- Oh, whoa.

- We just saw Kenny Rogers' bones.

- That is possible, yes. - Yes.

- Can I--should we all switch?

I would love to see the bottom.

- Oh, yeah, please see the bottom.

Kenny Rogers' bones.

Please no flash photography.

This side is even better.

- The bottom side is incredible.

- His voice resonated inside that skull.

- There's still cards in his hand.

- Wow. - Yeah.

The kind of cards Kenny Rogers would have held in his hands,

had he died lying down.

- Amazing.

- I will say, having just seen his wingspan,

this is the full-size Kenny?

- We should admit that we do have the same parent company

as the Body World show. - Oh.

- Remember that? - OK.

- Was that, like, the muscle dudes that played volleyball?

- Yeah. - Exactly.

- So there is some cross-pollination where,

you know, well, we share a warehouse.

- Sure, of course.

- Let's not tug each other's nuts right here.

They may not be Kenny Rogers' bones,

but they remain bones, mostly human bones.

- Let's not tug our own nuts.

- No.

- Let's not allow anyone walking by to get a nut tug.

Bones. - Human bones.

- Kenny Rogers had them. - In the shape--

in the shape of Kenny Rogers.

You know what? I'd kind of like to see

the top half again, would that be OK?

- Oh, yeah. Please. Please take your time.

- You said pièce de résistance two or three times.

- Yeah.

- This is clearly the pièce de résistance.

This has been wonderful.

We'll just come by anytime, and you guys can show these?

- Any time you got $38, you can come right on by here.

- Again. - Wow.

- ♪ Oh, the little Junior Deputies ♪

♪ They came up to your knee ♪

♪ But how'd they turn out? ♪

♪ Take a look-y and see ♪

- It's Christmas, and the Reno Junior Deputies program

has never needed your funds more than right now.

Every year y'all have been leaving babies for us,

like some kind of backwards Grinch

who never heard about rubbers.

Well, meet my little friend Freckles here.

After 20 Christmases spent in the Reno Sheriff's Department,

this is little Freckles now.

Good girl, Freckles.

- I drank poison.

- No, you didn't. - Just kidding.

No, I didn't.

'Cause I can't, 'cause I'm pregnant.

- Freckles, so help me God, just say happy holidays

from the Junior Sheriff's Department,

or I'll smack the shit out of you.

- I want you to.

Kill me! - Stop!

- Kill me! - Stop asking me to kill you!

- Fucking kill me!

- I am not going to kill you, you little--

- Suck my dick!

- ♪ Oh, the little Junior Deputies ♪

♪ Were only just cubs ♪

♪ But now they're men and women ♪

♪ Kind of like us ♪

- We've been here since 4:00 a.m. this morning,

and it has been my privilege to introduce

the Reno Sheriff's Department to actual police procedure.

Now, I have asked Jones and Cindy to join me today.

Mr. Richnickie of the Sierra Nugget Mall has

had some threatening letters sent to him

saying they're going to steal his silver nugget.

So I have started what we call a string board.

This is how all great crime is solved.

What we're going to do is find possible connections

to the potential theft of the silver nugget,

so if it gets stolen,

and if we figure out who stole it,

perhaps we connect it to something

that fucking matters.

We got OJ.

I don't want to get into it again.

Who did this? What's this?

- That's a coconut nut cluster wrapper I put up there.

That--maybe a wrapper--

- What's the connection?

- Maybe--maybe a wrapper did it.

- You're just saying what you think I want to hear.

- Hi. - Hey.

- Hey, Riz. - Hey.

What's up? - Sorry I'm late.

- Oh, you here to work on it?

- You just told me to show up here.

- You know who could be guilty?

- Oh, good. Yes. Who?

- In Reno, almost...

everyone.

- All right. No.

- Oh, no. - Oh, Lord.

- Merry Christmas! - Yep. It's Big Mike.

- Is he huffing on them fumes?

Sheriff's Department, Mike.

He's got a flocker. - He's got a flocker.

- Got a flocker.

Mike, put that flocking gun down.

Whoa! Mike! Hey!

Whoa! Hey! Hey!

Hey. Stop it!

Don't--have you been huffing that?

- Everyone is so-- - You can't--

Mike, don't huff that. Don't huff that.

- Mike, that's bad for your health.

I'm a monster!

Right. - Mike, stop it.

- Mike, stop. - Mike, stop it!

Stop it! Stop it!

- What is that stuff? - Hey, I'll flock you--

I'll flock you up.

- I'm fucking--do it.

Give me--give me one.

Give him the snowball.

Here you go. - Hey!

- Guess what kind of call we got on the telephone.

- Man partying in a parking lot?

- No. - No.

- Man having a sale?

Man selling flocked Halloween ornaments

at discount price?

- This is definitely all the stuff that got stolen

from the Halloween stuff. - Oh, yeah, 100%.

I recognize that spider 'cause I wanted it,

and it was $64. - Well, how much is it now?

Hey, Mike?

- Mike, how much is the spider?

- 21.99 for the spider.

- Really?

For the whole spider?

- Think up on top of your Christmas tree.

That sounds like a pretty good idea.

21.99 for me.

- Mike, what happened to that vehicle over there?

- That's my race car.

- Is that your vehicle? - Yes.

- And the paperwork would be in it

that would show that this belongs

to Big Mike, and not Brenda?

Wait a minute. Did Brenda help you

steal everything from the Halloween stuff,

and--stop it, Mike! Mike.

Mike. Mike. Mike.

Stop it.

- Is Brenda dead in the trunk?

- Brenda was called to serve the Lord.

That's why she moved to Hot Springs, Arkansas.

To serve the Lord. - She was not with you

when you robbed the Halloween store?

- No! Absolutely not!

- I've met Brenda, and she's a godless troll.

- Well, that's what happened.

See, those make the best preachers.

The ones that start out as whores

and drug dealers and pedophiles

and ass-rapers and dick smokers,

and then they go,

I'm dub--done with my dicks.

I'm going up there for the Lord.

And she has a kennel--

- I'm going to need to check that vehicle.

- She has--no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You don't got to check that kennel.

- I'm happy for her, actually.

- She's doing so well.

- Well.

- Found her.

- Yeah, Brenda's in there.

- Let's go, Mike. - All right.

- Good Lord.

- I'm going to throw up real quick.

- Do you think we have time to stop

by the Thanksgiving store?

- Absolutely.

- OK.

We've been here for about nine hours

working on the string board, and we are making progress.

Uh, guys, you want to run through

what we've excluded so far?

- Jesus, DEVO, OJ,

Mark Fuhrman, the Black Dahlia.

We also--remember, we found out that's not

a--that's not a microchip.

It's seaweed.

- I knew that going in.

But we have eliminated some of these possibilities.

- It's come to my attention, uh,

that I think we have not been looking

at--where there's smoke, there's sometimes fire.

And I know everyone said they don't know Mr. Richnickie,

is that correct?

- Yeah. - Mm.

- I mean, you know him, because Reno's not a big town.

I mean, I know him. - Not a big town.

- I wouldn't say that.

- Jim, I will say we're on the same bowling team.

- You're on the same bowling team.

It's right there.

- So you obviously know that Richnickie and I

own a balance beam and jump rope play place,

which is not thriving.

And, um--so what?

I know him.

And I have a small business with him.

And he owes me some money.

- We were in a band.

- We dated the same woman for...

a little while.

- And that woman was my mother.

- And the, uh, third investor

in my balance beam and jump rope business.

To be clear, I think what interested her

is the low overhead and the small initial investment.

It is a great idea.

- Then why do you need so much money from other people?

- Because I'm generous.

- We should take all these guys down--

- Oh--oh, I don't know about that!

- And put up all of us. - No, no, no, no, no.

This is-- - Declan!

- Like, even as a background-- - Holy shit.

Guys, guys, guys. Sorry.

I think I found a clue.

Listen, I don't know if it has something to do

with these notes or not, but I found this

in the parking lot and I think it's a clue.

Pig in a jar! - Yes, it's a clue!

We don't get this every day. It's a clue.

- It's not just a clue.

It's also a warning.

How many pigs are there supposed to be in the story?

- Three. - How many aren't here?

- Two.

- Someone who should be an ally is, in fact--

- Someone with two faces.

- Someone-- - A two-faced pig

is betraying the other two pigs.

- And a piggy-- where does piggy go?

Where does the piggy go? - The market.

- Went to the market!

- Guys, what do people call us?

Pigs.

We need to go to the market.

- These little piggies go to market.

- I cracked it! I grassed it.

- Fantastic.

You're undercover, we're all-- - Hey, guys?

- Yeah. - The board works.

- The board did work.

- There it is!

What are you guys doing messing with my face soup?

I put it outside 'cause it needs to cook in the sun,

like sun tea.

That's why I left it in the parking lot.

- So this is not a clue that we're supposed

to go down to the market? - No!

White people, always taking your stuff.

- Yes. - Am I right?

Yes, they do.

Yes, they do. - Face soup.

- Face soup.

- Face soup. - You know what?

Now that I think about it, I've seen your ads

for it on Facebook. - Yeah.

- Ooh. - Just a weird odor.

- I like it. Oh, I like it.

- Oh, that feels good.

- Ugh!

It's-- it burns the back of my throat.

My whole mouth is cold.

- I mean, it's got a nose-- there's a little

bit of nose in mine.

- It's another beautiful day at the Sierra Nugget Mall.

- Thank you, ma'am.

Tell your friends who have money

to come back and see us. - Yes.

- Kenny Rogers!

- Kenny Rogers. - Hello.

Right this way, go ahead. - Hello.

- Sheriff's Department. - Hey.

Guess who is back. - Ugh.

- Ugh, son of a bitch.

- Come on, man.

I saw them. They came through.

- Hola!

- Past the dino, and-- - Donde esta?

- Come out, come out. Hello.

- Donde esta? Hello.

- You never know where she's going to be.

- All right. - Hello?

Ahh!

- How y'all doing?

Nope, nope.

Be a lady. Come on, now.

- Get away from me, ghost!

- No, no--give me that leg.

- T.T.!

- No, no.

Slow--no running!

- Get over here, T.T.!

Uh-uh. No.

No. No, T.T.

- That's a weapon. - T.T., stop.

T.T.! - T.T.

Don't let her into that one.

She's got high ground. - Ahh!

Ahh! Easy.

No. No. No.

- Father Nicholas has left me

a splendid box this Christmas morrow,

and inside, just what I asked for--

a real boy.

♪ Happy holidays ♪

♪ Reno ♪

- I quite frankly think that Mr. Richnickie

might be making up the whole ransom note thing,

and someone wanting to steal a silver nugget.

I do.

And I can't blame him, because I once sent

ransom notes to my own parents,

pretending like I had been kidnapped.

And they did not respond.

- You know, I did some background on Richnickie,

and I don't know if this is something,

but I think it might be.

20 years ago, he had a car wash,

and the way he used to get people to come to the car wash

was he had some rhodium displayed

in a Plexiglass case.

If you don't know, rhodium is the most precious metal.

It got stolen as well.

Anything?

- Hi, how are you today?

There you go.

All right.

Now, you're not going to believe it.

That's the Sierra Nugget.

Can you believe it?

She's my pride and joy,

and she's insured for a fortune.

Beautiful.

- We have been in the Christmas pageant

a whole bunch of times, and it was a'ight.

But now-- Get ready for this,

because Dangle came up with an idea

for us to top what we did last year.

We got live doves!

- Live doves.

There is a website called CelebrationDovesOhMyMy.org.

We have, uh, dove catchers ready to go.

- Yep. - Dove Station Alpha.

- Doves fly out. - Check.

- Check. Hey.

Ho ho ho. - Dove Station Zebra.

Check.

After the Christ child is born--

I'm the Christ child, of course--

we will then release the doves.

Get ready. Right, we all ready?

- Y'all get ready.

- It's got bubble wrap.

- Save the bubble wrap.

I like--I like bubble wrap.

- Huh.

One alive, one frozen alive, one dozen.

There's lots and lots of them, and they're very cold.

- It says you have to reheat the dove.

They came over in a shipping container, right?

- Oh, that makes sense. Oh, look at him.

He's walking around, and then he's flying.

This is not--actually not that hard.

All we got to do is warm up, uh, 120 frozen solid doves.

- I'll stick it down my shirt.

That always works on everybody. - OK.

- I'll try that.

- Once they start waking up,

be ready.

- Jim, I got to say, I think these are dead.

- They're just flash frozen. - No.

- Mine is not coming back yet.

- If anything, it's like it's necrofying my skin.

- Oh, my God. - I heard this is how

the first avian flu started, by the way.

- That's probably very, very true.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh.

- No, no.

- Ooh!

Oh, my gosh.

- Starting to smell like chicken.

- Any luck? - No.

- Well, I thought I saw something move, but--

- I had--I had a little feeling

on this guy for a minute.

Wait.

No.

So close, so close.

Wait.

Nope. I'll be back.

Keep the faith.

- My worst experience with the Junior Deputies

was when I got taken hostage by them.

Their demands were they wanted

better living conditions and food.

I got released once we agreed to expand their kennels

by 25 square feet

and raised the fill line on their dishes

by an inch.

- Have a lot of our adult deputies gotten hurt

by the Junior Deputies?

Of course.

Did Trudy get rabies from one of the Junior Deputies?

Yes.

These are youngsters, often, that were maybe left

at the station, and you can't judge them

the way you would a normal person.

And we've asked a judge to do that many times.

And they say, no, these are children.

- Aaand away we go!

Hi, Junior Deputies.

My name is Deputy Trudy Wiegel,

and I am going to take you on this magical sleigh ride

to see a wowser of a holiday pageant.

Which was written by my friend

and sometimes lover, Jim Dangle.

- Sir, I'm gonna--

I'm gonna need to have you sit down.

- Um, OK.

It's ma'am, but obviously that's apparent.

- We stay in our seats because this

is the safest bus in the West.

When I say safest bus, you say the--

Did some--

did somebody bring nuts on this bus?

This is a nut-free z--zone.

Ahh!

- You're a nut-free zone, right?

What the hell?

I'm deathly a--

allergic to n--nuts!

- She's very dramatic.

Holy shit!

Are you OK?

Oh, my God, that's so gross.

Ahh!

Ahh! Ahh!

- Declan's got an idea.

- We're going to try tasing the dead dove.

I'm only doing this because I wanted to get out

of the briefing room, where everybody

has a dove in their crotch.

Really?

- Is it stuck?

- No.

- I can help you with that later, if you like.

- I'm good.

- Ta-dah!

- So we went in the evidence room

and got a little bit of the white lady.

- A little bit of, uh, yo-yo.

- A little bit of the white horse.

- A little bit of that, uh, Bea Arthur.

- Cocaine, if y'all don't know.

We--we got some cocaine.

Uh, Cloris Leachman.

- OK, OK.

- Is that the nose?

Here you go, little birdie.

- OK, now, let me make him snort it.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Oh!

- Heard you guys gave c--cocaine to the--

- Yeah. - Yeah, cool.

This guy's coming along. This guy's coming pretty good.

- Is it happening?

- I think so, yeah.

- Jim, you want a little? - I would. I would.

Are we talking about that, or are we just doing it?

- Yeah. Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

- - I think that helped. I think that did help.

Oh, that definitely helped.

- You or the dove? - Everybody.

Everybody. Everybody.

- A little of that Barbara Bush.

- Let it go. - Yeah.

- ♪ Oh, the little Junior Deputies ♪

♪ They came up to your knee ♪

♪ But how'd they turn out? ♪

♪ Take a look-y and see ♪

- Hey.

If you've got some loose pocket change this holiday,

see how much change you can really make by helping out

the Junior Deputies program

at the Reno Sheriff's Department.

Like my little friend Benjamin here,

who grew up right inside the Reno Sheriff's Department.

Say hi to my little friend Belphegor,

Demon God of Sloth.

- Hi. Yeah.

- Belphegor, Demon God of Sloth spent

17 Christmases in a row with us,

and thanks to your donations, he's...

totally fine.

- I am also hell's ambassador to France,

as described by the poet Milton.

In my spare time,

I am the tempter of witch hunters

with the promise of riches and great discoveries

that will slip through your fingers.

- And he touches everyone's leftovers in the fridge

to gain power over them. - Touché.

The hand of Belphegor knows thy dirty deeds.

- Great.

- Mortals, won't you put a little Christmas cheer

under the tree for the boys and girls

of the Reno Junior Deputies?

Just pennies a day could take an unwanted basket case

and turn them into me

or my fetching bride, Freckles.

Hail the Dark Lord.

- Truly amazing mom.

- ♪ Oh, the little Junior Deputies ♪

♪ Were only just cubs ♪

♪ But now they're men and women ♪

♪ Kind of like us ♪

- Well, the state of Nevada is getting sued

because do-gooders like these ones over here

have been wishing people Merry Christmas

on state property.

You can't do that anymore.

- That is a clear violation of the separation

of church and state, so we go over there,

get them to say Merry Christmas,

and we take them in.

- Check, check, check, check.

Ow!

Godspeed, you--shit!

- Unbelievable. Really.

- Break a leg.

- I've got a good backstory for us.

- All right. Oh.

- Hello. - Hello.

- Hi. Happy holidays.

- How you doing? - Happy holidays.

- And also with you.

- Thank you so much.

- This is my second husband, Jules.

We were having an emotional affair,

and when we decided to take it physical,

I asked my first husband for a divorce.

And now we're very happy.

- Yep. - Yeah.

- Due to our Episcopalian faith,

we come in at this time of year

to spend this special day with our kids.

- Right. Specifically the 25th.

- The celebration. - Yeah.

- Sure. - So close to winter solstice.

- Yes. - Right.

I'll come downstairs dressed up

like Santa Claus. - Yes.

- And I say, ho, ho, ho!

both: Happy holidays!

- No. - Thank you so much.

- Thank you. Thank you.

Happy holidays.

- Oh, greetings to you. - Yeah. Yeah.

This would mean so much to us.

We both have early-onset Alzheimer's,

and it can be very upsetting

when we can't come up with something

that's so, so obvious.

- I'll try. - Here we go.

- ♪ We wish you a-- ♪

- ♪ Da-da-dup-bop ♪ What is it? What is it?

both:

- No, no, no. But what is it?

What are the words? - Yeah, what are the words?

- Oh, my gosh, I'm so bad with this.

Because I actually have dyslexia,

but for song lyrics.

So I can't.

- Yeah, I prefer to karaoke.

I'm the same way. - Yeah.

Thank you. Happy fourth quarter.

- Season's greetings.

- Fourth quarter?

- Happy holidays.

What else could you say right now?

- Hmm. - Uh...

- Um...

- Would wish someone.

- I think I know where you're going with this.

- Thank you. - Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. - And I don't know--

are you talking about the anniversary of the execution

of Romanian dictator Nicolas Ceausescu?

In 1989... - Did this happen?

- During the Romanian Revolution,

on December 25? - You know what?

I think you two are blameless.

I'm sorry for taking up your time, ma'am.

You're doing good work.

- Hey! What did you just say?

- Sorry for taking up your time, ma'am.

- You just gendered me on state property, motherfucker.

I'm a they!

- ACLU.

Put your hands behind your back.

- OK. Wait a minute. Hold on.

- Oh, come on. Hey. Hey.

- Put your hands behind your back.

- In his defense, he is very old.

I, for one, am happy to be gendered.

I am a lady.

- And I'm a big swinging dick man.

- Everything's gonna be OK.

One, two, three, eyes on me.

One, two, three, eyes on me. Look at me!

Look at me! OK.

Do not freak out!

Do not freak out on me!

Everything is going to be fine!

Things could be worse.

Have you ever heard of 'Nam?

I'm not sure what it is.

But I do know that a lot of old men

are real pissed about it, so it's like that.

We're going to keep our shit together,

and we're not gonna-- see!

- Hello, children. Sir.

Look, we are so sorry that you guys had to witness

that lady get run over next to the bus.

She had an allergic reaction to some chestnuts,

and she panicked.

- Super weird.

- And the other motorist--

also dead from the shock of splattering that lady.

Don't let them look outside. It's bad.

You got to keep them calm. Keep them calm.

We got vultures.

Vultures.

Code V. Code V. Keep them calm!

- Look at me! Look at me!

One, two, three, eyes on me.

One, two, three. They're just birds!

Everybody loves birds.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! - Hold your attack!

- There's fucking birds.

Do not look out the window!

Oh, look what I have!

Look, look, look!

♪ Good King Wenceslas looked out ♪

♪ On the Feast of Stephen ♪ - Oh, my God!

There's so much blood! - Guys! Guys! Guys!

You're acting like you've never seen birds before!

- Why are there so many?

- No one else will die today 'cause Jesus said it's so.

No one else will die on my watch today!

- Oh, no. No. No, no.

Stay away from the bus driver.

Stay away from the bus driver!

- Oh, my God, they're eating her face!

- We have another microwave, actually.

- You guys don't have to use popcorn mode for everything.

- Ah, yes. - OK?

Defrost, 50% power.

That's the secret. - 50%.

- Three...

all: Two, one.

- Oh, my gosh!

- Oh, hey, hey, hey.

- It's a Christmas miracle!

- We have 106 left to do, then.

- Yeah. - We need more microwave.

- Yeah.

Great idea.

Oh!

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

- He's OK. He's OK.

See, he's OK!

Everything's OK.

- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

- OK. Children, children.

This is just the cycle of life, all right?

The vultures are just doing their job

eating those entrails.

- Yeah. - All right?

I strangled a bunch of them,

and I think I got the alpha.

So we're going to be OK.

The alpha's dead, and we should--

OK. Alpha's still alive.

Alpha's still in play!

Alpha's still in play!

- We're not gonna get off the bus,

'cause we don't want the alpha to kill us, OK?

Good, children!

Children! I've got the alpha!

- Ahh! - Keep your eyes away!

I think I got him!

I got him!

This is part of nature!

- Jim Dangle's Christmas pageant script.

Um, 190 pages.

But I got to give it to him, three or four of those pages

are really, really good.

Solid.

Sondheim level.

- Ho, ho, ho!

Someone order one Christmas miracle,

shipping and handling included?

- I was so scared!

- Of course you were.

I had a stroke of genius,

which I very seldom do.

These bandits could never get to your semi-precious nugget

if it's playing a "star"

--ing role in the pageant.

- Did it get Jesus?

Did my nugget get Jesus?

- I'm obviously playing Jesus.

Your nugget-- - Is playing--

- A star--

- The Wise Men-- - --ing role.

- All three Wise Men.

- No, that's--the

- The myrrh?

- Mr. Richnickie, your semi-precious nugget

will be playing...

the Star of Bethlehem.

It's going to be right there... - Mm.

- Underneath the entire Reno Sheriff's Department

as we do our pageant, safe as houses.

And as soon as it's midnight, you're in the clear.

Oh!

It's hidden in plain sight.

- Never get off the bus.

Never get--

- Oh, my God, I have to talk to children?

OK. OK.

OK. Hi.

Hi. I got this.

Hello, children.

Two cars just collided, and--

I'm so sorry, I can't lie to children.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. - OK, I got this.

A car collided with a trailer full of petting zoo animals!

Aw!

- Aw! - But--but--but

the good news-- good news is the--

the screams you hear are not human.

They're the screams of miniature horses.

They weren't adult horses, so--

Could have been worse, see? Could've been worse.

- Oh, God, the horror!

Also, it's electrified out there.

The helicopter cut some power lines.

So be careful, unless you have some rubber-soled shoes.

- Sure.

- Oh, no!

I hate this job!

- Also could be very slippery.

- Kenny Rogers. - Kenny Rogers!

- Kenny Rogers. - Kenny--uh-oh!

Oh-ho-ho-ho.

- Born 21 August, 1938, Kenneth Donald Rogers,

known to his family as Kenny Ray--

- Follow me, sir.

Come on, Frank.

That's better.

- We're naked for 36 pages

at the end of this thing.

You know, Jim's got himself a pump back there.

- Yeah, he loves that.

- Yeah, he fluffs himself up for it,

and we've got to go out there just with what we got.

I don't wanna do this.

- Full disclosure, this does cost $38.

But behold, I seek only.

For it is a young--young child.

Did you have a busy day?

Are you behind on your holiday shopping?

Don't worry.

The Sierra Nugget Mall is now open

from 8:00 a.m. to 10:00 p.m. daily

for your holiday shopping needs.

- Places! Rehearsal's on.

Places for dress rehearsal, everybody.

Places.

Places for dress. - Fuck yeah.

Let's fucking do this shit.

- Places!

- We're here, Jim.

- OK. So we're--

the orphans aren't in yet.

Lights are out, lights are out.

Smoke and mystery.

5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.

♪ Oh, this child born tonight gonna freak us with his light ♪

♪ Gonna set the world to right with his holy, holy groove ♪

♪ And the people start to move as their bodies feel the news ♪

♪ That this little naked man is the king of all the Jews ♪

Oh!

♪ Jesus Christ, guys ♪

all: ♪ Freaky, freaky, freak ♪

♪ Hey, Jesus freaking me ♪

- That's it.

all: ♪ Oh, freaky, freaky, freak ♪

♪ Tiny man from Galilee ♪

- That's it, now.

all: ♪ Freaky, freaky, freak ♪ - That's it.

all: ♪ Jesus freaking me ♪ - Yeah.

- ♪ Oh, freaky, freaky, freak ♪

- Yeah.

all: ♪ Naked boy who died for me ♪

- ♪ I'm gonna get scary ♪

♪ As Balthazar-- come on to center stage ♪

Balthazar to center stage. - Yes, yes.

Yes, Jim. Yep.

- Little bit scary. - Mm-hmm.

- I don't want to note you to death,

but the last couple times we did this,

you were just--you were behind.

You were late. - I'm a little--I know.

- Late. - I know, Jim.

- Let's not be late. Ready?

- Can we not embarrass me in front of everyone?

- I don't think I'm embarrassing you

in front of everyone.

Am I embarrassing him in front of everyone?

- Yes. - Yeah, yeah.

- If you want to give me notes,

you take me behind the Christmas tree.

- Who's Balthazar? - Me.

- You are. - Jones.

Beautiful.

- Can I have your attention? - Two, three, four--

- Will the mother of Lupita-- - Six, seven, eight, nine.

- Please come to the lost and found?

Now.

- ♪ Who is this tiny man who in the manger now is born? ♪

♪ And will he fill the world with love ♪

♪ But also wear a crown of thorns? ♪

♪ And if the Romans find a boy who is so naked and so wise ♪

♪ Could he even now survive ♪

♪ Or would he his demise? ♪

♪ And should we all just run and flee ♪

♪ And bid adieu to Galilee? ♪

♪ But lo, this little naked man ♪

♪ Yes, it's happening ♪

♪ I am a Jesus freak fan ♪

- Three, four.

- Yeah, that's the holidays right there, right?

That's the holidays. all: ♪ Jesus freaking me ♪

- That's it. all: ♪ Freaky, freaky, freak ♪

♪ Tiny man from Galilee ♪

♪ Freaky, freaky, freak ♪ - That's right.

- ♪ Hey, Jesus freaking me ♪

- That's exactly it.

all: ♪ Oh, freaky, freaky, freak ♪

♪ The naked boy who died for me ♪

- And then you're feeling each other's bodies.

Exploring bodies.

God, we've been given these beautiful bodies.

OK, that was one one-thousandth of the energy

I want on the day, OK? - OK.

- Fun family show for the fucking Junior Deputies,

some of whom are recovering from crack problems, OK?

Let's pick it up at the-- we've arrived at the manger,

there's no room, there's no room.

There's no room in the manger!

- You're not going to do it like that, are you?

- I was.

- Can I see it a little bigger?

There's no room in the manger.

- See, that's why this is a show.

That's why this is a show. - That's it.

Fear not, little goyim.

Your rescue is at hand.

- Oh.

- Shalom, baby.

Hatzalah at your service.

We was, uh, circling in the Black Hawk chopper.

We saw you were in distress.

We got here in two shakes of a mule's bottom.

- Thank God you're here!

- We was, uh, doing mitzvahing this week.

It's best way to celebrate sixth night of Hanukkah.

- Oh, we were also just

celebrating Hanukkah. - Great.

How about we tow this bus to wherever it is you're going?

- Oh, thank you!

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry.

It's forbidden.

- Thank you, at least, for recognizing

that I am indeed a female.

- Of course! You are woman.

You are 100% filthy, disgusting woman

that I would not schtup through hole in two sheets.

- OK.

It's been a long day. - OK.

Of course.

So who wants to be Jewish like Ivanka Trump,

most beautiful woman in world?

OK. See me afterwards.

I have pamphlets. - OK.

- Let's hook you up to tank-- - Yes.

And get you where you need to go.

- Yes! - Huh?

Hatzalah. all: Hatzalah.

Just the boys. Hatzalah.

Good. Hatzalah.

- Just the girls. - No, not the girls.

- Nope. - --alah.

- Even the animals in the barn rejoiced at this--

- Hi, guys. I got the Junior Deputies.

Everything is totally cool and fine.

- What the hell happened to you?

- Yeah, nothing! Everything's fine.

I got the Junior Deputies here, safe and sound.

Everybody's good. Go, go, go!

You're fine. You're fine. - Go. Great seats.

Great seats still available. - Everybody's fine.

- Hurry, hurry, hurry.

- Enjoy the greatest story ever told, Junior Deputies.

- You got to get dressed. - Yes.

OK. Everything's fine.

Everything is good. - OK, tighten up.

We're running about 90 minutes late,

but that's not going to affect our energy.

- You're not going to believe it!

We booked Inkeba Bathetois.

- Local meteorologist Inkeba Bathetois?

- Yes, that very one.

But she can sing, too!

She's even better at singing than

she is at predicting cloud stuff!

- Mr. Richnickie, stop talking for two seconds

before I punch you in the face.

I just want to make it clear.

She's going to go-- local meteorologist

Inkeba Bathetois is going to go on right after us?

- Local meteorologist Inkeba Bathetois,

and beautiful singer Inkeba Bathetois--

- And Peabody Award winner.

- --is going on momentarily.

And everyone is very excited.

Also, she told me to tell you not

to look her directly in the face.

- Oh, sure. - 'Cause she's very famous

and does not like that.

I'm going to go introduce her.

This is going to be so great! I can't wait!

Also, your green room is now her assistant's green room,

so you don't have a green room no more.

I love you! - Great.

Don't go in her green room. - I got to focus on the text.

- It's going to be great. Prayer, prayer, prayer.

Right now, it's Reno Sheriff's Department versus the world.

The butterflies.

It's OK to throw up before you go on.

It might even make you look less bloated.

I'm not looking at anybody specifically,

but if you need to throw up before,

the butterflies are your friend for definition.

Now, I know there's 150 pages of the script

we didn't really get to, or talk about, or block.

But greatest story ever told.

You're bringing to the Christ child?

- Myrrh. - And you're bringing?

- I bring gold.

- And Trudy is bringing?

- Well, I think I read the email wrong.

- It's OK.

- I mean, it's kind of the same story.

- Yeah, Jesus came back to life.

- Huddle up. Huddle up, everybody.

Are we the best actors in the world?

- Yes. - No.

- Oh.

- Those are literally always British people.

But I think we got this.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

local meteorologist

Inkeba Bathetois!

Should be going on after us.

♪ Oh, holy night ♪

♪ The stars are brightly shining ♪

♪ It is the night ♪

♪ Of our dear savior's birth ♪

♪ Oh, night ♪

♪ Divine ♪

♪ Oh, night ♪

♪ Oh, night divine ♪

- You know, she has a Peabody Award.

- ♪ Oh, night divine ♪

- Behold.

Behold.

Behold, behold, behold the greatest story ever told.

We now miraculously transform the Sierra Nugget Mall

to the town of Bethlehem!

And now, Rome hath commanded that a census be taken.