Original subtitles

HE GASPS

He's been!

HE LAUGHS

DOOR OPENS

# O Christmas tree O Christmas tree

# O Christmas tree O Christmas tree

# O Christmas tree O Christmas tree

# Thy leaves are so unchanging

# Thy leaves are so unchanging

# O Christmas tree O Christmas tree

# O Christmas tree O Christmas tree

# O Christmas tree O Christmas tree

# Thy leaves are so unchanging

# Thy leaves are so unchanging

# How often has the Christmas tree

# How often has the Christmas tree

# How often has the Christmas tree

# Afforded me the greatest glee

# Afforded me the greatest glee

# O Christmas tree O Christmas tree

# O Christmas tree O Christmas tree

# O Christmas tree O Christmas tree

# Much pleasure thou can'st give me... #

# Much pleasure thou can'st give me... #

# Feliz Navidad

# Te deseamos a ti... #

# Te deseamos a ti... #

You have to tell him.

You do.

This is the year.

BEEPING

BEEPING

BEEPING

# Ho-ho-ho! Who wouldn't go?

# Up on the housetop, click, click, click

# Up on the housetop, click, click, click

# Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick!

# Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick!

# First comes the stocking of little Nell

# First comes the stocking of little Nell

# Oh, dear Santa, fill it well

# Oh, dear Santa, fill it well

# Give her a dolly that laughs and cries

# Give her a dolly that laughs and cries

# One that will open and shut her eyes

# One that will open and shut her eyes

# Ho-ho-ho... # DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

# Ho-ho-ho... # DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

Kung pao chicken.

CHOPSTICKS CLATTER ON PLATE

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT Chris...

..you're at an age now where, as a parent,

..you're at an age now where, as a parent,

..you're at an age now where, as a parent,

it's my job to...to tell you certain facts

it's my job to...to tell you certain facts

that you might not want to hear.

Dad, relax. We've done this all in school.

Dad, relax. We've done this all in school.

You have? Yeah.

Last year.Oh!

Oh!

THEY LAUGH

Oh! That is a weight off, I can't tell ya.

Oh! That is a weight off, I can't tell ya.

Oh! That is a weight off, I can't tell ya.

Oh, your face!

Don't think I've ever heard you say sperm.

Don't think I've ever heard you say sperm.

What?!

Oh, God, are you going to teach me to put on a contraception?

Oh, God, are you going to teach me to put on a contraception?

God, no. Chris! No. That's...

God, no. Chris! No. That's...

That's not what this is about.

It's about Father Christmas.

What do you mean?

Is he all right? Did something happen?

Yeah... Well, no, I mean...

Remember the snow on the roof on Christmas morning?

Remember the snow on the roof on Christmas morning?

And, um... And the sleigh tracks?

And, um... And the sleigh tracks?

And the soot in the grate?

And the soot in the grate?

And the presents under the tree? Well...

And the presents under the tree? Well...

That was all me.

I did that.

You're Father Christmas?

You bring joy and happiness

to billions of children all over the world?

to billions of children all over the world?

No, that's not what I mean.

No, that's not what I mean.

Dad, I'm not being funny,

but I really can't see you getting down our chimney,

but I really can't see you getting down our chimney,

let alone back up it.

I've seen you on the monkey bars.

I've seen you on the monkey bars.

Chris, we had the chimney sealed off before you were born,

Chris, we had the chimney sealed off before you were born,

when we had the gas fire put in.

when we had the gas fire put in.

What about the carrots?

What about the carrots?

And-and the single malt?

And-and the single malt?

I suppose that was all you as well, was it?

I suppose that was all you as well, was it?

Yes. Obviously.

Look, I'm sorry, Chris, but...

..he isn't real.

Father Christmas doesn't exist.

Father Christmas doesn't exist.

I mean, think about it - a billion children all over the world!

I mean, think about it - a billion children all over the world!

I mean, think about it - a billion children all over the world!

I mean, it is physically impossible

I mean, it is physically impossible

to deliver that many presents in a single night.

to deliver that many presents in a single night.

You would say that. You work for the Royal Mail.

You would say that. You work for the Royal Mail.

He probably uses different...software.

He probably uses different...software.

And what software makes a reindeer fly at warp speed

And what software makes a reindeer fly at warp speed

And what software makes a reindeer fly at warp speed

and lights up his hooter?

Nothing that's commercially available, but...

Nothing that's commercially available, but...

And how does a man of that girth fit down a chimney?

And how does a man of that girth fit down a chimney?

Even if you haven't even got one.

Even if you haven't even got one.

And to never be seen!

And to never be seen!

Look, I'm sorry, Chris.

I know this time of year is special to you.

I know this time of year is special to you.

But you're old enough now to know the truth.

But you're old enough now to know the truth.

You'd be able to explain it, wouldn't you,

You'd be able to explain it, wouldn't you,

if you were here?

But you're not.

You're probably at Lord's.

Or in Norfolk.

Or a book library.

Oof...

What's this?

Egg banjo?

I've...had a little time to think about what you said.

I've...had a little time to think about what you said.

I've...had a little time to think about what you said.

Er...and I get it.

I do. It's been a rough year.

I do. It's been a rough year.

Seriously, one for the ages.

Seriously, one for the ages.

And it's not like there isn't stiff competition.

And it's not like there isn't stiff competition.

Professionally, you were laid off,

Professionally, you were laid off,

and then fired, then you became a postman,

and then fired, then you became a postman,

to be demoted almost immediately to the sorting office.

to be demoted almost immediately to the sorting office.

to be demoted almost immediately to the sorting office.

Medically, although it wasn't proved serious in the end,

Medically, although it wasn't proved serious in the end,

Medically, although it wasn't proved serious in the end,

you had to undergo

a number of...probes

a number of...probes

that people tended to laugh at rather than feel sorry for you for.

that people tended to laugh at rather than feel sorry for you for.

that people tended to laugh at rather than feel sorry for you for.

It was during this health scare

that you lost your place on the pub darts team

that you lost your place on the pub darts team

to a man who was almost double your age.

to a man who was almost double your age.

He was so talented.

He was so talented.

And it's... It's hard to see a way back.

And it's... It's hard to see a way back.

Romantically, I'm sorry,

but it's been a complete and utter disaster.

but it's been a complete and utter disaster.

Ms Bailey, who lives almost opposite,

Ms Bailey, who lives almost opposite,

who you like, and I like,

even though she teaches me double science,

even though she teaches me double science,

she asked you on a date back in April,

she asked you on a date back in April,

and you still haven't called her back.

Sorry to interrupt, but is there a point to all this,

Sorry to interrupt, but is there a point to all this,

or are you just trying to boost morale?

Yeah, yeah, there is.

And the point is that it's only natural,

And the point is that it's only natural,

after the year you've had,

to lose a little bit of that-that Christmas feeling.

to lose a little bit of that-that Christmas feeling.

Oh, Chris, come on, please.

Oh, Chris, come on, please.

To become jaded and cynical.

Oh, not this again.

Dad, you're wrong.

Dad, you're wrong.

I love you, but you're wrong.

I love you, but you're wrong.

Father Christmas is real and I'm going to prove it to you.

Father Christmas is real and I'm going to prove it to you.

Morning, Chris. Morning, Miss.

Morning, Chris. Morning, Miss.

Pat, what do I do with this one, mate?

Pat, what do I do with this one, mate?

Ho-ho-ho! Follow me!

Ho-ho-ho! Follow me!

I'll let you into a little secret.

In there.

SHREDDER WHIRRS

SHREDDER WHIRRS

Don't worry, you get used to it.

What happens to all the shredded paper?

It's put in the back of a blue lorry and then...no-one knows.

It's put in the back of a blue lorry and then...no-one knows.

To be fair, we live in such a cynical age,

I'm surprised anyone still writes to Father Christmas.

I'm surprised anyone still writes to Father Christmas.

My boy does.

I thought you said he was 16 and doing his GCSEs?

I thought you said he was 16 and doing his GCSEs?

He is.

BEEPING

BEEPING

BEEPING

TV:Cryptozoology is essentially the study of

TV:Cryptozoology is essentially the study of

TV:Cryptozoology is essentially the study of

creatures that are said to exist

creatures that are said to exist

but are unproven, undocumented by science.

but are unproven, undocumented by science.

The creatures that are studied are called cryptids and...

The creatures that are studied are called cryptids and...

KNOCKING

..Loch Ness Monster, Chupacabra, things like that.

..Loch Ness Monster, Chupacabra, things like that.

And within cryptozoology, it just doesn't get any bigger

And within cryptozoology, it just doesn't get any bigger

And within cryptozoology, it just doesn't get any bigger

than Big Foot, because of all cryptids out there,

than Big Foot, because of all cryptids out there,

than Big Foot, because of all cryptids out there,

Big Foot has the most sighting. Sightings by very credible people...

Big Foot has the most sighting. Sightings by very credible people...

Big Foot has the most sighting. Sightings by very credible people...

KNOCKING

Holly! It's me, Chris!

Holly! It's me, Chris!

Oh, OK. Good, yeah. I thought so.

LOCKS RATTLE

And another.

LOCKS RATTLE AND CLICK

LOCKS RATTLE AND CLICK

Wait. And one more. LOCKS RATTLE

And open sesame.

I need a favour.

BEEPING

BEEPING

BEEPING

Sorry, love, I'm on break, all right?

BABY CRIES

Look, I'm like a long-distance lorry driver.

I have to take a break every 45 minutes

every four and a half hours. Sorry, it's regulations!

every four and a half hours. Sorry, it's regulations!

Merry Christmas. Oh, God.

No, no, no, no, no. You are banned, OK?

No, no, no, no, no. You are banned, OK?

No, I told you last year that was the last year.

No, I told you last year that was the last year.

You're too old for this now, mate.

I just want to ask you a question.

What's the mic for?

I don't do podcasts.

I've got my reputation to think about.

Yep, Chris wants to prove to his dad that Father Christmas is real.

Yep, Chris wants to prove to his dad that Father Christmas is real.

Oh, my God.

How many times do I have to tell you, mate?

I'm not Father Christmas, OK? This beard isn't real.

I'm not Father Christmas, OK? This beard isn't real.

I'm not Father Christmas, OK? This beard isn't real.

And...

..I'm a Muslim.

OK, but what about the paunch?

OK, but what about the paunch?

Yeah, the paunch is real.

Obviously, I know you're not Father Christmas.

Obviously, I know you're not Father Christmas.

I'm not stupid.

It's only, what, seven more sleeps until the big day.

It's only, what, seven more sleeps until the big day.

He's not going to be here, is he? This is crunch time.

He's not going to be here, is he? This is crunch time.

He's got more important things to be doing.

He's got more important things to be doing.

What do you want to ask me?

Last year, when I was here,

I overheard you talking to one of the single mums,

I overheard you talking to one of the single mums,

who was really impressed about how you knew Stephen Fry.

who was really impressed about how you knew Stephen Fry.

Ah! You know Stephen Fry?

Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't say he's a close friend. But, yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't say he's a close friend. But, yeah.

No, that is literally what you said.

Yeah, he's more of a close friend of, like, a casual acquaintance.

Yeah, he's more of a close friend of, like, a casual acquaintance.

But what's that got to do with anything?

But what's that got to do with anything?

Stephen Fry is like God to my dad.

Stephen Fry is like God to my dad.

He will listen to anything he says.

I mean, he won't necessarily understand it, but he will listen.

I mean, he won't necessarily understand it, but he will listen.

So the best way to prove to my dad that Father Christmas is real

So the best way to prove to my dad that Father Christmas is real

is to have Stephen Fry say that he is.

is to have Stephen Fry say that he is.

I just need you to introduce us.

I just need you to introduce us.

Right, I'm going to level with you, OK?

Honestly - honestly - I don't really know him that well.

Honestly - honestly - I don't really know him that well.

Mm. Yeah, I feel like you don't know him at all. No. No.

Mm. Yeah, I feel like you don't know him at all. No. No.

Although I did bump into him in a Sainsbury's car park.

Although I did bump into him in a Sainsbury's car park.

Shut up. What was he like?

He is so-o-o nice.

Like, and it was my fault, cos I was reversing,

Like, and it was my fault, cos I was reversing,

didn't realise it was in first gear,

bumped into him. "Oh, my God, Stephen Fry."

Sorry, you bumped into him in a car?

Sorry, you bumped into him in a car?

Yeah.

Did you swap details?

Well, no. I think he's married, isn't he?

Insurance details.

Insurance details. Right! He didn't have his details on him,

Insurance details. Right! He didn't have his details on him,

so he wrote his name and address down

so he wrote his name and address down

and then he put them into my phone.

Got it in my phone.

BEEPING

BEEPING

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Oh, Mr Massey?

Yep?

It's Georgina Bailey.

From the school.

And the house almost opposite.

And the house almost opposite.

Georgina, hi. I'm so glad you've called.

Georgina, hi. I'm so glad you've called.

Um, I've been meaning to call you back...

Um, I've been meaning to call you back...

Oh, Nick...

No, honestly, I have. It's just been a really hectic couple of...

No, honestly, I have. It's just been a really hectic couple of...

..eight months.

Yeah, that's not...that's not the reason that I'm calling.

Yeah, that's not...that's not the reason that I'm calling.

Oh? It's Chris. He didn't come into school today.

Oh? It's Chris. He didn't come into school today.

I wouldn't have called.

It's just that I saw him when I left for school this morning

It's just that I saw him when I left for school this morning

and it looked like he was on the way in.

and it looked like he was on the way in.

I know it's the last day of term...

I know it's the last day of term...

Yeah, no, thank you.

It's good to know that you're really on it over there.

It's good to know that you're really on it over there.

No, um...he actually had a doctor's appointment today

No, um...he actually had a doctor's appointment today

and that's why he couldn't make it in.

Yeah, it's nothing serious. He's just got rash on his...

Yeah, it's nothing serious. He's just got rash on his...

Yeah, it's nothing serious. He's just got rash on his...

It's OK, I don't need to know the details.

It's OK, I don't need to know the details.

BEEPING

BEEPING

OK, listener, so we are currently outside A house

OK, listener, so we are currently outside A house

of Stephen Fry in a yellow van.

of Stephen Fry in a yellow van.

PHONE RINGS

Don't answer it. I'm not going to.

In fact... What?

Sorry, what are you doing?

Sorry, what are you doing?

This way, he can't track you.

This way, he can't track you.

This way, he can't track you.

No, don't...

SHE SWALLOWS NOISILY

That is really annoying.

Not to mention, so irresponsible.

This is why they tell you to back everything up.

This is why they tell you to back everything up.

In case a stray lunatic decides to literally eat your data?

In case a stray lunatic decides to literally eat your data?

In case a stray lunatic decides to literally eat your data?

I've seen it happen.

Anyway, thanks to me, your dad doesn't have a clue where we are.

Anyway, thanks to me, your dad doesn't have a clue where we are.

KNOCKING

Oh!

Oh, hello, Uncle Nicholas.

I might have known you'd have something to do with this.

I might have known you'd have something to do with this.

What even is this?

Wait, sorry, can you do that one more time?

Wait, sorry, can you do that one more time?

I'm just... I forgot to click record.

Don't tell me you bunked off school to do a podcast.

Don't tell me you bunked off school to do a podcast.

Is that...?

What? I don't... I don't see anything.

What? I don't... I don't see anything.

Who? Who can't you see?

Oh! Oh, it's...

Oh! Oh, it's...

It's him!

What? Why? How? Huh?

What? Why? How? Huh?

It's all right. Breathe. In and out. In and out.

It's all right. Breathe. In and out. In and out.

It's all right. Breathe. In and out. In and out.

Breathe, it's all right.

Chris wants to ask Stephen Fry if Father Christmas is real. Oh!

Chris wants to ask Stephen Fry if Father Christmas is real. Oh!

Chris, I thought we discussed this.

We did, and I said that I'd get you proof.

We did, and I said that I'd get you proof.

This is it.

If Stephen Fry says that Father Christmas is real,

If Stephen Fry says that Father Christmas is real,

then perhaps you'll believe me.

All right, and if he says he isn't, will you believe me?

All right, and if he says he isn't, will you believe me?

KNOCKING

If I'd have known, I would have put on a different shirt.

If I'd have known, I would have put on a different shirt.

OK, you need to calm down.

I need the toilet, is what I need.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were carol singers...

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were carol singers...

# Good King Wenceslas last looked out on the feast of Stephen! #

# Good King Wenceslas last looked out on the feast of Stephen! #

# Good King Wenceslas last looked out on the feast of Stephen! #

Dad, please. Or you'll have to wait in the car.

Dad, please. Or you'll have to wait in the car.

Sorry. We're not carol singers.

Sorry. We're not carol singers.

I'm just a huge fan.

I've watched everything you've ever done on television.

I've watched everything you've ever done on television.

I've listened to all your books, even the one about ties...

I've listened to all your books, even the one about ties...

Isn't that adorable?

Well, what impeccable taste you have.

Well, what impeccable taste you have.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm just going to call the police.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm just going to call the police.

No, please, we literally just want to ask you one question.

No, please, we literally just want to ask you one question.

Can I use your toilet?

That wasn't it.

I'm going to close the door now. Goodbye.

I'm going to close the door now. Goodbye.

Wait!

Is Father Christmas real?

I'm sorry, what did you say the name was?

I'm sorry, what did you say the name was?

Father Christmas.

You have heard of Father Christmas?

Yes, no, I mean, I thought you said...

Yes, no, I mean, I thought you said...

Oh, my goodness, I left the oven on. Goodbye.

No, Stephen, please! It will only take a minute.

No, Stephen, please! It will only take a minute.

Come on, it is Christmas.

Come on, it is Christmas.

It's just as I imagined it.

Is Father Christmas real?

Is Father Christmas real?

Is Father Christmas real?

In order to deliver all those satsumas and pairs of socks,

In order to deliver all those satsumas and pairs of socks,

Father Christmas would have to travel jolly fast. But how jolly?

Father Christmas would have to travel jolly fast. But how jolly?

Show your workings, Fry. Certainly, sir.

Show your workings, Fry. Certainly, sir.

Well, speed, as we know,

Well, speed, as we know,

is distance divided by time.

is distance divided by time.

is distance divided by time.

Divided by time. And we calculate distance

Divided by time. And we calculate distance

by seeing the number of households that celebrate Christmas.

by seeing the number of households that celebrate Christmas.

by seeing the number of households that celebrate Christmas.

Which is roughly 45% of the population. 8.2 billion.

Which is roughly 45% of the population. 8.2 billion.

Which is roughly 45% of the population. 8.2 billion.

By the average number of people in the household,

By the average number of people in the household,

which is approximately 3.95.

which is approximately 3.95.

3.95. Yep.

3.95. Yep.

That gives us

934,177,215

934,177,215

934,177,215

934,177,215

households. Basically a billion.

households. Basically a billion.

Basically a billion. Dad. Final warning.

Basically a billion. Dad. Final warning.

By the Global Average Spacing.

By the Global Average Spacing.

By the Global Average Spacing.

So 186 million kilometres, plus change,

So 186 million kilometres, plus change,

which is more than 100 return trips to the moon.

which is more than 100 return trips to the moon.

So all that distance over time.

So all that distance over time.

And how much time

does Father Christmas have at his disposal?

does Father Christmas have at his disposal?

Well, I'm going to say 30 hours,

Well, I'm going to say 30 hours,

if you think of when the last children go to sleep

if you think of when the last children go to sleep

on Christmas Island,

and the first children wake up in American Samoa.

and the first children wake up in American Samoa.

That gives us the total of

That gives us the total of

6,277,848km

6,277,848km

6,277,848km

6,277,848km

per hour.

Well, that is jolly fast, like you said. Yeah.

Well, that is jolly fast, like you said. Yeah.

Well, that is jolly fast, like you said. Yeah.

Yeah, not as fast as the speed of light, mind you,

Yeah, not as fast as the speed of light, mind you,

but alas, the air resistance alone would be enough

but alas, the air resistance alone would be enough

to instantly vaporise any normal human being.

to instantly vaporise any normal human being.

And, actually, these figures are a trifle optimistic

And, actually, these figures are a trifle optimistic

because they don't take into account

the fact that Father Christmas has to stop a billion times,

the fact that Father Christmas has to stop a billion times,

the fact that Father Christmas has to stop a billion times,

to deliver the actual presents.

That means constant acceleration and deceleration,

That means constant acceleration and deceleration,

not to mention going down all those chimneys and up them again.

not to mention going down all those chimneys and up them again.

It just stretches credibility even further, doesn't it?

It just stretches credibility even further, doesn't it?

How does he do that? Especially when there is no chimney.

How does he do that? Especially when there is no chimney.

And given that fact that he is, pun intended,

And given that fact that he is, pun intended,

widely reported to be generously proportioned.

widely reported to be generously proportioned.

Right, yeah, well,

thank you, Stephen, that's been really helpful.

thank you, Stephen, that's been really helpful.

That's not everything.

Well, it's enough to be getting on with, so...

Well, it's enough to be getting on with, so...

What else were you going to say?

Nothing, really, that was the nub.

Nothing, really, that was the nub.

Please, tell me.

Well, it's just that based on the lack of verifiable sightings

Well, it's just that based on the lack of verifiable sightings

Well, it's just that based on the lack of verifiable sightings

and bona fide photographic evidence,

and bona fide photographic evidence,

we have to conclude that Father Christmas does all this

we have to conclude that Father Christmas does all this

while remaining completely invisible.

while remaining completely invisible.

I'd like to go home now, please.

Oh, yeah, of course, mate. Yeah, um...let's get you home.

Oh, yeah, of course, mate. Yeah, um...let's get you home.

Er, excuse me, Chris?

Um, I just wanted to add

Um, I just wanted to add

that, until 1903 and the Wright brothers,

that, until 1903 and the Wright brothers,

that, until 1903 and the Wright brothers,

powered human flight was thought to be impossible.

powered human flight was thought to be impossible.

powered human flight was thought to be impossible.

But it wasn't.

We just didn't have a proper understanding of aerodynamics

We just didn't have a proper understanding of aerodynamics

and propulsion and three-axis steering.

and propulsion and three-axis steering.

We had to wait for the science to catch up.

We had to wait for the science to catch up.

And what I'm saying is, all of that in there

And what I'm saying is, all of that in there

might not be impossible.

It might just be that we can't explain it.

It might just be that we can't explain it.

Not yet.

We have to wait until we can see the bigger picture.

We have to wait until we can see the bigger picture.

Oh, and talking of pictures, I don't know,

Oh, and talking of pictures, I don't know,

I thought perhaps you might like to have this.

Stephen, you didn't have to. Thank you...Aw, I would.

Oh, look at that! Wow!

Oh, look at that! Wow!

Aw, that is the best Christmas present ever.

Aw, that is the best Christmas present ever.

Oh.

Oh, I feel a bit embarrassed now.

Really, there's no reason to be.

Really, there's no reason to be.

If I'd have known, I...

..probably wouldn't have taken that.

Have you taken anything else?

God, Uncle Nicholas!

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

No, no, I didn't say anything,

No, no, I didn't say anything,

I promise.

In fact, I said the exact opposite.

I was very careful.

BEEPING

BEEPING

Hey. How did it go at the doctor's?

Hey. How did it go at the doctor's?

Yeah, no, it was good. Thanks.

Yeah, no, it was good. Thanks.

Yeah, no, they, um...

They gave him a cream.

Merry Christmas.

Merry "Eczema...s".

Merry Eczema... Xmas. I just got it, cos of the...

Merry Eczema... Xmas. I just got it, cos of the...

Merry Eczema... Xmas. I just got it, cos of the...

Cos of the rash!

Goodnight, son. Night, Dad.

Goodnight, son. Night, Dad.

Chris, I know you're disappointed,

but, you know, this doesn't mean that Christmas is cancelled.

but, you know, this doesn't mean that Christmas is cancelled.

but, you know, this doesn't mean that Christmas is cancelled.

We can still do all the other stuff.

Everything else will stay exactly the same.

Everything else will stay exactly the same.

Yeah, but it won't be the same, will it?

Yeah, but it won't be the same, will it?

STEPHEN FRY:Which comes to 934,177,215 households,

STEPHEN FRY:Which comes to 934,177,215 households,

STEPHEN FRY:Which comes to 934,177,215 households,

STEPHEN FRY:Which comes to 934,177,215 households,

so basically a billion.

so basically a billion.

Basically a billion.

We have to wait until we can see the bigger picture.

We have to wait until we can see the bigger picture.

We have to wait until we can see the bigger picture.

The bigger picture...

The bigger picture...

LOUDER:The bigger picture.

LOUDER:The bigger picture.

Well, it definitely looks like Father Christmas.

Well, it definitely looks like Father Christmas.

Who did you say these other people were?

Who did you say these other people were?

Professor Hannah Fry,

Professor of the Public Understanding of Mathematics

Professor of the Public Understanding of Mathematics

and serial podcaster.Uh-huh.

and serial podcaster.Uh-huh.

Dame Maggie Aderin-Pocock,

Dame Maggie Aderin-Pocock,

space scientist and Honorary Fellow of the British Science Association.

space scientist and Honorary Fellow of the British Science Association.

space scientist and Honorary Fellow of the British Science Association.

Jason Fox, ex-Special Forces and TV personality.

Jason Fox, ex-Special Forces and TV personality.

Jason Fox, ex-Special Forces and TV personality.

Right, and you think, what,

Right, and you think, what,

they all work for Father Christmas

they all work for Father Christmas

and basically make it possible for him

to deliver all those presents to all those children

to deliver all those presents to all those children

in a single night, and not be seen doing it?

in a single night, and not be seen doing it?

Yeah.

I know it sounds tenuous, but... I'm in.

I know it sounds tenuous, but... I'm in.

Look, you had me at "tenuous."

SHREDDER WHIRS

SHREDDER WHIRS

BEEPING

BEEPING

BEEPING

Professor Hannah Fry?

Yeah?

Relax, relax, we just want to ask a couple of questions.

Relax, relax, we just want to ask a couple of questions.

Oh, are you doing a podcast?

Oh, are you doing a podcast?

Oh, I love a podcast.

Oh, I love a podcast.

We're trying to find proof that Father Christmas is real.

We're trying to find proof that Father Christmas is real.

Ah, OK. No, I'm sorry, I cannot help you with that.

Ah, OK. No, I'm sorry, I cannot help you with that.

Where did you get this?

A journalist never reveals her source.

Stephen gave you this, didn't he?

Yeah, 100%. Yep.

Yeah, 100%. Yep.

I'm not a journalist.

He is such a blabbermouth. What else did he tell you?

He is such a blabbermouth. What else did he tell you?

Nothing.I find that very difficult to believe.

Nothing.I find that very difficult to believe.

Well, he said that it might not be impossible for Father Christmas

Well, he said that it might not be impossible for Father Christmas

to climb down chimneys that aren't even there,

to climb down chimneys that aren't even there,

just that we can't explain it yet. Mm-hm?

just that we can't explain it yet. Mm-hm?

I mean HE can't explain it yet.

I mean HE can't explain it yet.

Do you know he failed O Level physics?

Do you know he failed O Level physics?

Does that mean...

Does that mean...

..that you can...explain it?

..that you can...explain it?

Well, yeah. Of course I can explain it.

Well, yeah. Of course I can explain it.

It's just, you know...

You don't want to?

Yeah. I don't want to.

I mean, obviously she CAN. She just doesn't want to.

I mean, obviously she CAN. She just doesn't want to.

I can actually explain it, guys.

No, no, I believe you. "Professor."Excuse me!

No, no, I believe you. "Professor."Excuse me!

What are these fake air quotes? I am an actual professor.

What are these fake air quotes? I am an actual professor.

HOLLY SIGHS OK, Chris, come on, let's go.

HOLLY SIGHS OK, Chris, come on, let's go.

Ooh! Have you still got that number for Professor Brian Cox?

Ooh! Have you still got that number for Professor Brian Cox?

Yeah, somewhere.

OK. It's Macroscopic Quantum Tunnelling.

OK. It's Macroscopic Quantum Tunnelling.

Just remind me what that is again.

OK, so Father Christmas turns himself and his presents

OK, so Father Christmas turns himself and his presents

into a single quantum object,

and that way he can pass through solid walls.

and that way he can pass through solid walls.

Like a ghost? No! Nothing like a ghost.

Like a ghost? No! Nothing like a ghost.

This is the quantum world,

it's where particles don't exist at a single point -

it's where particles don't exist at a single point -

they exist everywhere and nowhere all at once

they exist everywhere and nowhere all at once

in, like, a cloud of probability that spreads through space.

in, like, a cloud of probability that spreads through space.

And that way a particle COULD be on the roof of a house,

And that way a particle COULD be on the roof of a house,

but it could also be inside a house,

but it could also be inside a house,

underneath a Christmas tree. That's quantum tunnelling.

underneath a Christmas tree. That's quantum tunnelling.

underneath a Christmas tree. That's quantum tunnelling.

I see. And how does he travel fast enough

I see. And how does he travel fast enough

to be able to deliver all those presents in a single night?

to be able to deliver all those presents in a single night?

Well, he's using an Alcubierre drive, right?

Well, he's using an Alcubierre drive, right?

He's engulfing his sleigh in a bubble of Minkowski space,

He's engulfing his sleigh in a bubble of Minkowski space,

and that way he doesn't need to feel any of the g-forces.

and that way he doesn't need to feel any of the g-forces.

Er, OK. I, er...

Er, OK. I, er...

I forgot, actually, I...

I forgot, actually, I...

I need to go. I've got a lecture to do.

Sorry. Bye.

How does he make himself turn invisible?

How does he make himself turn invisible?

Oh, OK. Whew.

Oh, OK. Whew.

That was weird.I know, right?

That was weird.I know, right?

Since when did the pencil moustache come back into fashion?

Since when did the pencil moustache come back into fashion?

Before that, I mean.

That photograph - it really put her on edge.

That photograph - it really put her on edge.

That's it. We need to talk to the other people in the photograph.

That's it. We need to talk to the other people in the photograph.

That's what we're doing, Holly.

You've got to call them. You've got to call them right now.

You've got to call them. You've got to call them right now.

How? I don't have a number.

How? I don't have a number.

Or a SIM card.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Oh! Sorry, mate, one second. Yeah, I'd better get this.

Oh! Sorry, mate, one second. Yeah, I'd better get this.

This might be for me.

Hello? Yeah, speaking.

Hello? Yeah, speaking.

Oh, hello, Dame Maggie Aderin-Pocock.

Oh, hello, Dame Maggie Aderin-Pocock.

SHE MOUTHS

WHISPERED: How did she get your number?

WHISPERED: How did she get your number?

SHE MOUTHS

No, ask her.

Yeah, no, sorry. Still here.

She wants to meet.

I'm not sure this is a good idea. BRAKES SQUEAL

I'm not sure this is a good idea. BRAKES SQUEAL

Yeah, that's what makes it a good idea.

Yeah, that's what makes it a good idea.

She wouldn't ask to meet in a place like this

unless we were dangerously close to the truth.

unless we were dangerously close to the truth.

Is Father Christmas real?

He's real if you believe he's real.

He's real if you believe he's real.

That's good enough for me, but my dad wants proof.

That's good enough for me, but my dad wants proof.

What makes you think I can help?

Oh, Stephen.

He can't help himself.

Have you met the other two?

Professor Hannah Fry, but not Foxy.

Professor Hannah Fry, but not Foxy.

He's a hard man to find.

So you don't know where he is?

I haven't seen Foxy since this photograph was taken.

I haven't seen Foxy since this photograph was taken.

I haven't seen Foxy since this photograph was taken.

So, Hannah -

what did you two discuss?

Oh, just Macroscopic Quantum Tunnelling.

Oh, just Macroscopic Quantum Tunnelling.

It's how Father Christmas gets down the chimneys.

Anything else?

She touched on the, um...

The Alan... Alan Q beer.

The Alan... Alan Q beer.

The... The Alan Q...

The Alcubierre drive. That's the one.

The Alcubierre drive. That's the one.

And did it make sense?

Um...

Well, I'd be lying if I said it all went in,

Well, I'd be lying if I said it all went in,

but then I am only predicted a grade three in GCSE maths.

but then I am only predicted a grade three in GCSE maths.

It's not that complicated.

It's not that complicated.

Let's get that three up to a four.

Let's get that three up to a four.

Rather than making Father Christmas travel to every household,

Rather than making Father Christmas travel to every household,

the trick is to make every household travel to him.

the trick is to make every household travel to him.

the trick is to make every household travel to him.

What is she doing?

Who keeps a rug in the boot of their car?

Who keeps a rug in the boot of their car?

Now, imagine that this rug represents space and time,

Now, imagine that this rug represents space and time,

but all smooshed together,

and it's running from one end of a room...

and it's running from one end of a room...

..all the way to the other.

Would you like to step inside the room?

Ah, classic. She wants to roll up a body and dump it in the canal.

Ah, classic. She wants to roll up a body and dump it in the canal.

Ah, classic. She wants to roll up a body and dump it in the canal.

Now, conventionally, it will take a number of steps

Now, conventionally, it will take a number of steps

to get from one end to the other,

but imagine if we could squish up, or concertina,

but imagine if we could squish up, or concertina,

space and time in front of you. Like this.

space and time in front of you. Like this.

OK. Good.

False alarm.

Teacher's got to teach.

So now you can step from one end of the room to the other

So now you can step from one end of the room to the other

in a single step.

And if I elongate space and time behind you,

And if I elongate space and time behind you,

like this...

..you've miraculously got from one end to the other.

..you've miraculously got from one end to the other.

Wow!

That actually makes sense. Thank you.

That actually makes sense. Thank you.

Well?

You can relax. He doesn't know anything.

You can relax. He doesn't know anything.

In fact, I'm not even sure he knows that.

In fact, I'm not even sure he knows that.

Good, but we have to be careful.

Good, but we have to be careful.

The belief is strong with this one.

CAMERA BEEPS

CAMERA BEEPS

CAMERA BEEPS

Albercue... Alcubierre.

Alcubierre drive, that's sort of, like, a magic carpet thing?

Alcubierre drive, that's sort of, like, a magic carpet thing?

No, the carpet was just a teaching aid.

No, the carpet was just a teaching aid.

I don't know, it made sense when she said it, so...

I don't know, it made sense when she said it, so...

KNOCK ON DOOR

Ah! Ooh, pizza.

Whoa, wait a minute.Yeah?

Whoa, wait a minute.Yeah?

When did you order pizza?

Well, no, I didn't.

So what are you doing? What is the point of having all this security

So what are you doing? What is the point of having all this security

So what are you doing? What is the point of having all this security

if you're just going to open the door to anyone with a pizza?

if you're just going to open the door to anyone with a pizza?

Well, I like pizza, and I also haven't eaten since breakfast, so...

Well, I like pizza, and I also haven't eaten since breakfast, so...

KNOCKING CONTINUES Holly!

That's weird.

He's opened up the pizza box,

but there isn't any pizza in it, there's just words.

but there isn't any pizza in it, there's just words.

What do you mean? What words?

It says...

..Jason "Foxy" Fox.

..Jason "Foxy" Fox.

Why not?

Sorry, sorry. My bad. Sorry.

DETECTOR CLICKS

DETECTOR CLICKS

DETECTOR BEEPS He's telling me we don't have long.

DETECTOR BEEPS He's telling me we don't have long.

But you can talk to Foxy...

But you can talk to Foxy...

..through me.

Are you psychic?

No, I have a microphone and a camera.

No, I have a microphone and a camera.

Foxy can see us and hear us.

Foxy can see us and hear us.

Hello, Chris. Hello, Holly. It's Foxy here.

Hello, Chris. Hello, Holly. It's Foxy here.

I'm really sorry about the tight security,

but I can't take no chances.

I can't take no chances. They can't know where I am.

I can't take no chances. They can't know where I am.

Who's they? Father Christmas.

And his organisation.

So he's real?Yeah, mate.

As real as I am standing right here.

As real as I am standing right here.

What do they want? Get that photograph out.

What do they want? Get that photograph out.

That was taken at a Channel 4 Christmas party.

That was taken at a Channel 4 Christmas party.

I thought it was going to be well boring,

stuck with them lot all night.

But it turns out we had a lot in common.

Like ideas about Father Christmas

and how it is he can do what he does.

You know, theoretically.

You know, theoretically.

We really got into it,

and was going to organise a convention and everything.

and was going to organise a convention and everything.

And call it The Science of Christmas

And call it The Science of Christmas

and use it to get children interested in the subject

and use it to get children interested in the subject

from a young age. Inspire future generations.

from a young age. Inspire future generations.

We had publishers interested, and television people -

We had publishers interested, and television people -

there was even talk of a podcast.

What happened?

Father Christmas. He shut us down.

Father Christmas. He shut us down.

I'm not saying he did it personally.

But he was definitely involved.

What idea did you have?

Active camouflage.

It's what the big man uses to make himself invisible.

It's what the big man uses to make himself invisible.

His red jumpsuit is actually just an image of a red jumpsuit

His red jumpsuit is actually just an image of a red jumpsuit

projected onto a flexible, wearable Oled screen.

projected onto a flexible, wearable Oled screen.

Hidden cameras constantly film what is around him

Hidden cameras constantly film what is around him

and then project that on the screen on the opposite side.

and then project that on the screen on the opposite side.

It's like he's wrapped in a live feed

of his immediate environment.

It's the same technology James Bond used

It's the same technology James Bond used

to make his car invisible in Die Another Day.

to make his car invisible in Die Another Day.

I didn't see it.

Exactly.

Sorry, that's all I have time for.

Sorry, that's all I have time for.

I've got to take a cake out of the oven.

Wait...

..how do I find Father Christmas?

..how do I find Father Christmas?

You don't, soldier.

That's what I've been trying to tell you. Steer clear.

That's what I've been trying to tell you. Steer clear.

You don't want to get mixed up in this.

You don't want to get mixed up in this.

BEEPING

BEEPING

BEEPING

TV:Well, that period of time has ended...

TV:Well, that period of time has ended...

DOORBELL RINGS

DOORBELL RINGS

Door!

I'll get it!

DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN

It's Georgina. Ms Bailey.

It's Georgina. Ms Bailey.

How do I look?

Like a deer in the headlights. DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN

Like a deer in the headlights. DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN

Coming!

# Deck the halls with boughs of holly

# Deck the halls with boughs of holly

# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la-la

# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la-la

# Tis the season to be jolly

# Tis the season to be jolly

# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la-la... #

# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la-la... #

CAROLLING CONTINUES

CAROLLING CONTINUES

CHRIS JOINS IN

CHRIS JOINS IN

# Troll the ancient Christmas carol

# Troll the ancient Christmas carol

# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la-la

# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la-la

# Follow me in merry measure

# Follow me in merry measure

# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la-la

# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la-la

# Fast away the old year passes

# Fast away the old year passes

# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la-la

# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la-la

# Hail the lonely lads and lasses

# Hail the lonely lads and lasses

# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la-la. #

# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la-la. #

# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la-la

# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la-la

# Fast away the old year passes

# Fast away the old year passes

# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la...la. #

# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la...la. #

# Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la...la. #

I can explain.

My letter to Father Christmas. That I posted.

My letter to Father Christmas. That I posted.

I know.

You know that it's a criminal offence

to interfere with an envelope that is stamped and addressed?

to interfere with an envelope that is stamped and addressed?

I rescued it. From what?!

I rescued it. From what?!

Do you know what happens to letters addressed to Father Christmas?

Do you know what happens to letters addressed to Father Christmas?

Well, I know what's supposed to happen.

They get sent to Father Christmas, so he knows what presents to get.

They get sent to Father Christmas, so he knows what presents to get.

They get shredded.

All of them.

They're put into a big machine that cuts them up into long, thin strips,

They're put into a big machine that cuts them up into long, thin strips,

They're put into a big machine that cuts them up into long, thin strips,

which are dumped into big red bins,

then stuck on the back of an old blue lorry

then stuck on the back of an old blue lorry

and taken to God knows where.

So you don't know where?

I know it's not the North Pole.

How do you know?Because I do.

How do you know?Because I do.

You don't.

You don't know. You just don't want to believe.

You always think that everything is...

You always think that everything is...

..is destined to end in disaster.

BEEPING

BEEPING

BEEPING

Not everything is destined to end in disaster.

Not everything is destined to end in disaster.

PHONE LINE RINGS

PHONE LINE RINGS

VOICEMAIL:Hi, this is Georgina.

I can't come to the phone right now, so please leave a message.

I can't come to the phone right now, so please leave a message.

BEEP Hey...Georgina. It's Nick here.

BEEP Hey...Georgina. It's Nick here.

BEEP Hey...Georgina. It's Nick here.

Nick...Massey. From the house opposite.

Nick...Massey. From the house opposite.

Well, it's not really opposite, is it? It's more sort of...

Well, it's not really opposite, is it? It's more sort of...

I'd say ten o'clock.

It's definitely across the street. Doesn't matter.

It's definitely across the street. Doesn't matter.

I'm just returning your call, basically...

I'm just returning your call, basically...

..from April, I think it was.

..from April, I think it was.

Just to say that, yes...

Just to say that, yes...

..I'd really like to go for that drink -

..I'd really like to go for that drink -

if the offer still stands - and that I'm free tonight.

if the offer still stands - and that I'm free tonight.

if the offer still stands - and that I'm free tonight.

If that's not too rash.

Nailed it.

HOLLY:So, letters to Father Christmas are shredded,

HOLLY:So, letters to Father Christmas are shredded,

put on that blue lorry

and then taken where?

That's the reason we're following the blue lorry.

That's the reason we're following the blue lorry.

PHONE BUZZES

PHONE BUZZES

VOICE NOTE PLAYS:Hiya. Um, yeah, tonight sounds great.

VOICE NOTE PLAYS:Hiya. Um, yeah, tonight sounds great.

VOICE NOTE PLAYS:Hiya. Um, yeah, tonight sounds great.

I think I can get to you for about eight o'clock.

I think I can get to you for about eight o'clock.

So, yeah, I guess I'll see you then. Bye.

So, yeah, I guess I'll see you then. Bye.

Still got it.

HE CHUCKLES

Ooh, Chris, before I forget.

Ooh, Chris, before I forget.

There you go.

You got me a new SIM card.

No, that's just the one I swallowed.

No, that's just the one I swallowed.

You wait here.

Where are you going?

I have an idea.

MUSIC: The Carol Of The Bells by Mykola Leontovych

MUSIC: The Carol Of The Bells by Mykola Leontovych

MUSIC: The Carol Of The Bells by Mykola Leontovych

Knock-knock. Hey.

Knock-knock. Hey.

Can I help you? I don't know. Can you?

Can I help you? I don't know. Can you?

Well, not unless you tell me what it is you want, no.

Well, not unless you tell me what it is you want, no.

I'm, er...

I'm here to see...Father Christmas.

I'm here to see...Father Christmas.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Got an appointment?

Got an appointment?

Do I...need one?

Do I...need one?

Does this look like the North Pole to you? Hmm?

Does this look like the North Pole to you? Hmm?

I don't know, I've never been.

Yeah. Well, it's not.

Yeah. Well, it's not.

It's Milton Keynes. OK.

Now clear off! Fair enough. Yep.

Now clear off! Fair enough. Yep.

Thank you.

OK.

Well? Yep, he is definitely in there.

Well? Yep, he is definitely in there.

Father Christmas? How do you know?

Father Christmas? How do you know?

Woman's...institution, Chris.

Woman's...institution, Chris.

What now?Plan B.

What now?Plan B.

ENGINE STARTS

PHONE RINGS

Problem?

No, sir. No problem.

No, sir. No problem.

CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYS

SINISTER MUSIC PLAYS

SINISTER MUSIC PLAYS

Are you sure this is going to work?

I don't look anything like a security guard!

I don't look anything like a security guard!

Yeah, because you haven't put the hat on yet.

Yeah, because you haven't put the hat on yet.

I know you said you've done this before,

I know you said you've done this before,

but I suppose the question is, how many times?

but I suppose the question is, how many times?

Yeah, mate, I really don't know. It's not like I keep count.

Yeah, mate, I really don't know. It's not like I keep count.

Like, less than 100, more than once.

Like, less than 100, more than once.

You mean twice?Well, you know what they say - third time lucky.

You mean twice?Well, you know what they say - third time lucky.

The first two times failed?!

The first two times failed?!

Chris, now is really not the time for second thoughts, OK?

Chris, now is really not the time for second thoughts, OK?

Did you want to find out if Father Christmas is real or not?

Did you want to find out if Father Christmas is real or not?

Well, yeah! But...

Good. Because there is a very small chance

that he is on the other side of that wall.

"A very small chance"? You said "definitely"!

"A very small chance"? You said "definitely"!

Definitely a very small chance.

Definitely a very small chance.

Now, you just remember what I told you, yeah? Tuck and roll.

Now, you just remember what I told you, yeah? Tuck and roll.

You didn't tell me that.

Well, I'm telling you now, aren't I? Tuck and roll!

Well, I'm telling you now, aren't I? Tuck and roll!

OK! OK, tuck and roll.

OK! OK, tuck and roll.

Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Aim for the pillows.

And tuck and roll!

And tuck and roll!

I got it, I got it.

FOOTFALLS BANG ON ROOF

FOOTFALLS BANG ON ROOF

Whooooa!

Whooooa!

THUD!

Chris? HE GRUNTS

Chris? HE GRUNTS

Yeah...

It worked!

Stay right where you are!

Stay right where you are!

VAN DOOR SLAMS

VAN DOOR SLAMS

ENGINE STARTS

ENGINE STARTS

TYRES SQUEAL

TYRES SQUEAL

TYRES SQUEAL

Oh, I'm so sorry, mate. I didn't realise you were one of us.

Oh, I'm so sorry, mate. I didn't realise you were one of us.

Er, yeah. Yeah, no, I am.

Definitely.

SECURITY GUARD HUMS

SECURITY GUARD HUMS

Hang on!

Hang on!

I don't recognise you.

Well, you must be new.

That's right, yeah. Yeah, I am. I just...

That's right, yeah. Yeah, I am. I just...

Just transferred in.

Well, then, how come you have a different uniform?

Well, then, how come you have a different uniform?

Well, it must be from a different branch.

Come on, then, let's have a cup of tea.

Come on, then, let's have a cup of tea.

I'll introduce you to the crazy gang.

I'll introduce you to the crazy gang.

MUSIC: When You Say Nothing At All by Ronan Keating

MUSIC: When You Say Nothing At All by Ronan Keating

Hello.

TYRES SQUEAL, MUSIC STOPS

TYRES SQUEAL, MUSIC STOPS

Oh, no. Uncle Nicholas...

Oh, no. Uncle Nicholas...

Uncle Nicholas, I-I-I tried to talk him out of it, I swear.

Uncle Nicholas, I-I-I tried to talk him out of it, I swear.

I really did, I really...

Hi. You all right? Hi.

But he just... He wouldn't listen, he wouldn't listen.

But he just... He wouldn't listen, he wouldn't listen.

"Holly," he said, "That is very mature

"Holly," he said, "That is very mature

"and incredibly level-headed advice,

"but I will...but I will fundamentally ignore it."

"but I will...but I will fundamentally ignore it."

Holly, Holly, slow down.

Holly, Holly, slow down.

What are you talking about?

Where is Chris?

BEEPING

BEEPING

Milton Keynes?

I don't know what I'm going to do.

I'm out of ideas. I mean, he's 16 years old,

I'm out of ideas. I mean, he's 16 years old,

and he still believes in Father Christmas.

and he still believes in Father Christmas.

I think that's good.

I don't. I think it's sad and pathetic.

I don't. I think it's sad and pathetic.

He's becoming more and more like his dad each day.

He's becoming more and more like his dad each day.

At least he believes in something.

A lot of people don't.

I mean, I don't know, I'm not his parent, you are.

I mean, I don't know, I'm not his parent, you are.

But I AM his teacher...

..and what I see is a boy who's bright and curious and tenacious,

..and what I see is a boy who's bright and curious and tenacious,

..and what I see is a boy who's bright and curious and tenacious,

and who shows initiative.

Those are all good qualities.

Thank you.

And thanks for coming tonight.

This wasn't really what I had in mind for our first date.

This wasn't really what I had in mind for our first date.

Listen up, everyone, this is Chris.

Listen up, everyone, this is Chris.

He just transferred in. All right, Chris? Hiya.

He just transferred in. All right, Chris? Hiya.

Chris, this is Danny. Where were you before?

Chris, this is Danny. Where were you before?

Swindon.

That's Frank.

I didn't know we had an office in Swindon.

I didn't know we had an office in Swindon.

They wouldn't tell us if they did.

They wouldn't tell us if they did.

You got that right. Angela. Hi.

You got that right. Angela. Hi.

Come on, then, I'll show you round the kitchen.

Come on, then, I'll show you round the kitchen.

So that's Robbo, Big Jen, and Teabag.

So that's Robbo, Big Jen, and Teabag.

Cup of tea, Chris?

No, no, no. No children.

No, no, no. No children.

I need a girlfriend first. THEY CHUCKLE

I need a girlfriend first. THEY CHUCKLE

RADIO CHATTER Oh, sorry, Chris.

Go ahead, this is Goshawk, over.

Go ahead, this is Goshawk, over.

RADIO:Yeah, you haven't seen anyone you're not supposed to

RADIO:Yeah, you haven't seen anyone you're not supposed to

on your rounds, have you? Over.

No, what kind? Over.

No, what kind? Over.

I've got a gentleman here says his lad

trampolined over the back wall earlier on tonight. Over.

trampolined over the back wall earlier on tonight. Over.

No, sorry.

Hang on a minute.

Chris?

Yeah?

You were round the back earlier.

See anything that looked like a young lad?

See anything that looked like a young lad?

No, no. Not that I can think of.

No, no. Not that I can think of.

Sorry, mate, can't help you. Over and out.

Sorry, mate, can't help you. Over and out.

Is the toilet...?Oh, it's just out there. Second on the left. OK.

Is the toilet...?Oh, it's just out there. Second on the left. OK.

Good kid.

Settling in very nicely.

DOOR OPENS

Where is he?

LIVELY CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

LIVELY CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

LIVELY CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

# Gloria! Gloria!

# Gloria! Gloria! #

METALLIC THUD CHRIS GASPS

METAL CLANKS AND SCRAPES

METAL CLANKS AND SCRAPES

Oh...

ALARM BLARES

ALARM BLARES

BEEPING

# Up on the housetop the reindeer pause

# Out jumps good old Santa Claus

# Out jumps good old Santa Claus

# Down through the chimney with lots of toys

# Down through the chimney with lots of toys

# All for the little ones Christmas joys

# Ho-ho-ho! Who wouldn't go! Ho-ho-ho! Who wouldn't go! #

# Ho-ho-ho! Who wouldn't go! Ho-ho-ho! Who wouldn't go! #

# Ho-ho-ho! Who wouldn't go! Ho-ho-ho! Who wouldn't go! #

Come on. In you go. Actions have consequences.

Come on. In you go. Actions have consequences.

Right, what do you want to say?

Right, what do you want to say?

Sorry.

Remember, you have to be specific if you want to sound sincere.

Remember, you have to be specific if you want to sound sincere.

I'm sorry I was so heavy-handed...

I'm sorry I was so heavy-handed...

SHOUTING:Speak up!

I'm sorry I was so heavy-handed.

I'm sorry I was so heavy-handed.

I didn't mean to scare you or put you in danger.

I didn't mean to scare you or put you in danger.

It won't happen again.

I promise.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Right, off you go.

SANTA GRUNTS

SANTA GRUNTS

SANTA SIGHS

Poor old Ruprecht.

His heart's in the right place.

And the truth is, well, I couldn't do without him.

And the truth is, well, I couldn't do without him.

He takes care of that part of the business -

He takes care of that part of the business -

that leaves me free to do the things that I need to do.

that leaves me free to do the things that I need to do.

Which is a roundabout way of saying,

I have no idea who you are, why you're here,

I have no idea who you are, why you're here,

and why you didn't just write a letter like everyone else.

and why you didn't just write a letter like everyone else.

I did. And I'm Chris, by the way.

I did. And I'm Chris, by the way.

Right. Do you have the letter on you?

Right. Do you have the letter on you?

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Here.Ah.

Right.

Let me guess - wireless headphones?

Let me guess - wireless headphones?

A hoodie? A black Nando's card?

A hoodie? A black Nando's card?

All you want for Christmas is

All you want for Christmas is

for your dad to believe in Father Christmas?

for your dad to believe in Father Christmas?

He doesn't think you exist.

Tell me, Chris. It is Chris, isn't it?

Tell me, Chris. It is Chris, isn't it?

Have you, er...

Have you, er...

Have you ever seen a magic trick?

Have you ever seen a magic trick?

Were you amazed?

I was.

What do you think would have happened

if the magician had explained the trick to you first?

if the magician had explained the trick to you first?

It wouldn't feel like magic.

Ah!

Well, that's the approach we like to take here.

Well, that's the approach we like to take here.

Truth is, it helps to have people like your dad out there -

Truth is, it helps to have people like your dad out there -

the sceptics, the non-believers.

the sceptics, the non-believers.

Makes it more special for the children

and those that do believe.

And that's the most important thing, wouldn't you agree?

And that's the most important thing, wouldn't you agree?

Unfortunately, it's getting harder and harder to amaze people.

Unfortunately, it's getting harder and harder to amaze people.

Unfortunately, it's getting harder and harder to amaze people.

100 years ago,

the science I had, it was 1,000 years ahead of anyone.

the science I had, it was 1,000 years ahead of anyone.

A decade ago, only a century.

A decade ago, only a century.

And now it's getting closer - the gap is closing fast.

And now it's getting closer - the gap is closing fast.

And now it's getting closer - the gap is closing fast.

The inexorable march of progress.

Those people in the photograph -

I'm sure they had good intentions,

I'm sure they had good intentions,

but they were getting dangerously close to the truth.

but they were getting dangerously close to the truth.

That could've ruined Christmas for an awful lot of people.

That could've ruined Christmas for an awful lot of people.

Ruprecht had to step in.

Now, I understand that you want to prove to your dad

Now, I understand that you want to prove to your dad

Now, I understand that you want to prove to your dad

that I'm real, and that you were right, but...

that I'm real, and that you were right, but...

..I need to ask you a favour.

I need you to keep all of this a secret.

I need you to keep all of this a secret.

You know...

..to preserve the magic for at least one more generation.

..to preserve the magic for at least one more generation.

Do you think you could do that for me?

Well...

..I can't really say "no" to Father Christmas, can I?

..I can't really say "no" to Father Christmas, can I?

Ah!

Well, what can I get you instead?

Well, what can I get you instead?

How about an air-fryer? I've had a run on those.

How about an air-fryer? I've had a run on those.

No.

I know what I want.

Oh?

Oh, with your science teacher? No, I don't think....

Oh, with your science teacher? No, I don't think....

No, not for me.

Oh.

Well...

..it's a little outside my remit, but...

..it's a little outside my remit, but...

..I'll see what I can do.

You do know that this is not about Father Christmas, don't you?

You do know that this is not about Father Christmas, don't you?

For either of you.

Hey.

Hey.

Now I wouldn't say this out loud, but, um...

Now I wouldn't say this out loud, but, um...

..I was really proud of the way you kept going back there.

..I was really proud of the way you kept going back there.

You know, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, you...

You know, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, you...

You know, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, you...

..you showed real determination.

Thank you.

She loved Christmas.

She loved Christmas.

Not as much as you, obviously.

But it was definitely her favourite time of year.

But it was definitely her favourite time of year.

You know, I think part of the reason why

You know, I think part of the reason why

You know, I think part of the reason why

you wanted to still believe in Father Christmas

was because of that,

was because of that,

because Mum and Christmas are so closely associated,

because Mum and Christmas are so closely associated,

because Mum and Christmas are so closely associated,

because Mum and Christmas are so closely associated,

it's as if...

..to believe in Father Christmas

was to keep the memory of her alive.

was to keep the memory of her alive.

But you'll never forget her.

She'll always be here.

And we'll still have a great Christmas, won't we?

And we'll still have a great Christmas, won't we?

Yeah.Eh?

We'll open presents, pull crackers, put up decorations,

We'll open presents, pull crackers, put up decorations,

We'll open presents, pull crackers, put up decorations,

cook a goose, pretend we like Christmas pudding - the works.

cook a goose, pretend we like Christmas pudding - the works.

cook a goose, pretend we like Christmas pudding - the works.

Thanks, Dad.

I love you, son.

Dad?Mm?

I also think that part of the reason

I also think that part of the reason

that you didn't want me to believe in Father Christmas

that you didn't want me to believe in Father Christmas

was because of Mum as well.

was because of Mum as well.

Oh?

Almost as if, I don't know,

Almost as if, I don't know,

because Mum and Christmas are so closely associated,

because Mum and Christmas are so closely associated,

that if I still believed in Father Christmas, then...

that if I still believed in Father Christmas, then...

that if I still believed in Father Christmas, then...

..it'd just be too hard

..it'd just be too hard

for you to move on with the rest of your life.

for you to move on with the rest of your life.

But you can.

You're not going to forget her.

That's an interesting thought.

Goodnight, mate.

Night, Dad.

BELLS JINGLE

BELLS JINGLE

BELLS JINGLE

TINKLY FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYS

TINKLY FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYS

TINKLY FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYS

He's been!

How on earth did you get up there?

How on earth did you get up there?

I don't know. It's a Christmas miracle.

I don't know. It's a Christmas miracle.

Yeah, well, as long as it wasn't that trampoline again.

Yeah, well, as long as it wasn't that trampoline again.

Anyway, come on - that goose isn't going to cook itself.

Anyway, come on - that goose isn't going to cook itself.

Come on.

Merry Christmas!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media

Subtitles by Red Bee Media