Original subtitles

I say heroin.

I use heroin.

I inject it in my body. I snort it in my body because I'm addicted to it.

I'm a walking fucking abomination.

True Cold Black Metal is not about playing live, not about being part of

bullshit social scene.

You know, it's just about, you know, Satan.

God,

it burns really bad.

fucking dominating the fucking Christian church, you know, crushing it, you

know, putting our throne high above the skull of God, you know, it's black

fucking metal, man.

Yeah, I'm ready. We'll do it.

This

is

Templeton. You've got curly hair.

Whiskers are curly.

Oh, they're awesome.

I used to have one when I was like 14.

They're just fun to have.

They're mad cool. I want to get another one because he's kind of lonely.

I've lived here since nine months.

I've been with my boyfriend for like nine months, so I've lived here since

Well, that's not my boyfriend.

That's Chris, but he's like my brother. Yeah, he's been staying with me since my

boyfriend's gone. He's supposed to be keeping me out of trouble.

Um, well, I like to get into trouble.

Well, I just, I get fucked up a lot. A lot.

Like, on a daily basis.

My boyfriend went out to sea, and I acquired a pretty bad habit while he was

gone. We met, and apparently I'm, like, everything he's ever wanted.

Yeah, he's in the Navy, and he comes home tomorrow.

I spent, like...

$1 ,200 in a five -day period of his money cleared out the fucking account

altogether. Drugs.

All of it. All of it on drugs. No groceries, no food. Well, I bought some

Mostly crack and heroin.

And I was trying not to shoot up anymore because I almost died. I got some

really good shit. Pretty much what happened was a friend of mine, he

some really good dope so he hands me some and actually i called these guys

they came over and i gave them some i had a little bit left it wasn't enough

two hits but it was a little bit much for one and i was like oh fuck it i'm

gonna do it anyway and i almost died it was it was really strong shit it was

that that was good it wasn't that good shit they were trying to wake me up

smacking me and all kinds of stuff and when i woke up the next morning started

like crying and screaming

Well, because he left.

I mean, they're back.

They're back.

All right, I'm going to clear some of this table up.

I'm a slave too, man.

Right there.

I've been doing this shit for four years, man.

You want to go first?

All right.

You can call me Brad. I don't give a shit.

Yeah, my name's Doom, guys.

That's the magic, right?

I wish you could feel what I'm feeling right now.

It's the greatest feeling in the world, man.

Words can't explain it. It's better than sex. I mean, this is the closest to

heaven I will ever know.

God, I love this feeling.

It's the best euphoria there is to be had. Yeah, without a doubt.

Thank you. You're so lovely.

How long do you know what to feel?

Fuck.

Give me some money and I'll call him.

Oh, God, where'd the cotton go?

I'll do some more and probably nod out a little bit. He'll be in and out.

She's sexy as hell.

I'm going to tell you what. I wish I was still with Wendy, man. You'd have

videotaped us. I could have told her we wanted to fuck right now up on the roof

of this table. She'd have been all about it. And my ex -fiance.

She got thrown in prison while we were engaged, man.

Yeah, she's fucking gorgeous.

All kind of hardcore.

Fucking took her ass for dinner. She's like, just fuck me in the ass. Fuck me

the ass and choke me. Punch me in the back of the head. She's in prison.

I'm still madly in love with her. That woman would do anything for me. How's it

to snort this shit?

It's good to snort? Oh, she's definitely capable.

I'll tell you what, as soon as she gets out, I'm going to marry that woman.

I'm going to be in love with her.

Good.

You want a ride?

I just started.

I started a cap of heroin.

What kind of beer do you want?

Here's 24 packs.

This is the song I read about Angie when she died.

So?

Loved you in the ass and you loved it.

That's right, I cornholed you.

And you loved it.

I found her. She was abandoned.

A little bitty, bitty hidden. And I brought her home. But she doesn't walk

leash anymore.

The fact that I do drugs on an everyday basis.

I want to do drugs. Her boyfriend lets her get away with a lot of shit.

A lot of shit. He lets me get away with everything.

And he doesn't do a goddamn thing.

He's a cool guy, but he's in the Navy.

Yeah, he's from South Africa.

This man is a fucking savior, dude. He'd call me and I'd be like, I'm sick. And

he'd be here in like a half hour. with something, if you will. Is that the

truth, friend?

Yeah. Oxycontin is pharmaceutical heroin.

Oh, yeah, I have a goldmine of it, if you will.

My mom's prescribed it.

Just ask my mom and tell her I'm dope sick.

And my mom's got Legionnaire's disease.

Take one more shot. Put a shot, man.

Please agree.

Do you have AIDS of any kind?

No.

We're all dope beans, man.

Heroin.

It's all heroin. I'm more likely to be gay.

Okay, so I'll follow you. Yeah.

I don't talk to anybody in my family.

Oh, no, brother, believe me.

Mother been telling me she hates me since I was 12 because I remind her of

father. My father killed himself when I was two. I never knew my real dad.

He put a shotgun in his mouth. I bet you I'm probably not a ten.

I'm the dope man.

I can get anything I want.

If it's around here, I can get it.

I've been around for a long time and I'm well -traveled.

Come on.

Come on, baby.

Come on, sit up.

Don't fall out on me, man.

Huh?

Don't fall the fuck out.

Are you still here?

Alright, stay.

Hold him up. You alright, bro?

Keep him away.

Alright. Brian, look at him.

Let me know you're alright.

He's alright, man.

He's just really fucked up.

This is an all -time drug of choice.

Oxycontin. I like it better than heroin.

40 milligrams of ungodly pleasure.

It's pharmaceutical -based. They give it to cancer patients and people like my

mom.

Yep.

After everybody left, I went to bed, made a dumbass mistake to do, and a

caps of dope and knocked the fuck out and got my wallet and all the money I

for this project pretty much stolen.

You know, it could have been the niggas upstairs or, you know, it could have

been Raven, you know, her damn stuff.

That, you know, if I wanted to use it to get my teeth fixed, and on top of that,

my dope got stolen too.

So, that was pretty shitty.

I only had this friend named Eric. Remember Ferret? He used to live in

Yeah, me and him were selling cocaine.

I was dating a girl named Cookie.

I wasn't 21 yet and I needed to get some beer. We went out to Ocean View for

this lady to buy me beer.

As soon as I met her, I was just like, holy shit. She somehow got a hold of my

number. So she came and picked me up. She's like, well, let's go get some shit

and get high. So she calls this guy up, you know, we're sitting in this parking

lot. Here I am thinking, you know, we're waiting on weed or something, you know,

because at that time I didn't fuck with anything.

I do coke every now and then.

In fact, it was heroin.

She introduced it to me, and it's just been downhill ever since, man.

Guy came to the car and gave her this bag full of these little, like,

I'm like, what the fuck is that, you know?

She was like, boy, that's another word for heroin around here. They call it

They call cocaine girl.

Her wife.

I don't know. I really don't know. It's some nigger fucking name that I don't

know. Remember that Rastafari motherfucker?

Oh, I snorted.

There I went for the first couple months.

Me and her were living in and out of hotels.

She always shot up, and she didn't want me doing it at all. So when she went to

bed, I just took her shit. I've seen her do it enough times, so I tried shooting

myself up, and I missed.

She woke up, and she was like, you dumbass, if you want to do it right,

how you do it. So then she shot me. I started shooting up, and I've been

shooting up like that. I usually shoot right here, but you got a movie theater

down there.

That is about the fuck it.

Alcoholic, right here. My dad was an alcoholic. Mom's dad was an alcoholic.

My brother is a beer alcoholic.

He's my fucking brother. I get fucking belligerent. I fucking pass out. That's

this motherfucker.

Whack! His fucking face. I fuck that. My fucking ass all the fucking time.

Whack! My dad's a Vietnam vet. He whoops me. My fucking ass.

Mm -hmm. Quick fucker.

Whack. Grabbed me by my hair, drove me down the fucking hallways. I told you to

take off the fucking track.

Whack. My fucking gut. That shit fucking.

Yeah, I was going to marry her. She was the one.

I don't know who possessed her to fucking.

become so weak to take her own life man there's been times where i wanted to die

and i've tried it my damn self i tried odn and i couldn't even do that right

i can't even kill myself right i slept for like two days straight i think woke

up pissed all over myself crazy motherfucker the fuck i mean

fuck man i love doing it but i hate it just as much as i love doing it like i

sometimes think i'm never gonna stop

She had just lost her kid. She had a little girl. She had lost custody of

It killed her because she loved that little girl with everything in her. She

married before some dude? Yeah, this crackhead cocaine guy. I beat the shit

of him in a church parking lot one day. It was Easter, and her father made a

dumbass mistake and made a comment about Angie.

I beat the fucking shit out of him in front of his daughter, which I still

bad for. In a church parking lot? Yeah. Fucking was kicking him in the face, you

know, like the face was on the ground.

pick up a brick and bash your fucking head in she kept telling me to stop she

didn't want to see her daddy get his ass beat but that's what happened she just

was crying i'll never forget those cries man i still hear him sometimes

screaming stop hurting my daddy stop hurting my daddy but you know but you

couldn't stop no once i'm in that rage man it's you know i'm gonna fucking kill

him hi mommy what are you doing i'll be over there in a little while bye hello

Ooh, hey, baby.

Hanging out.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I cannot wait until you get back.

I love you. You know I love you. You've just been driving me fucking nuts.

It really drives me crazy.

All right, baby. Bye.

Okay. Ooh, I'm the man in the relationship.

No bullshit.

I'm in control.

Hey, baby.

It can be.

Just me and me.

Shoot up.

The other day it was kind of funny because some guy cut my throat, so...

They're just drinking, you know, being drunk, and there's a knife against my

throat.

Oh my God, does it really matter?

I don't know, I just met him that night, actually. He's an alright guy, though.

You know, I'm a pretty boring guy. All I do is look in the black mirror and read

books.

Just all the darkness.

That's about it. Shapeless evil.

The wrath of Satan.

Any wrong that you can do against humanity, be it rape, murder, shooting

anything that can damage the human race, bring it further towards its

annihilation.

Black metal is not something like, I don't know.

I look at it in a whole different way.

Like I used to be a maniac about it like everyone else is.

Like, you know, but I just gave away my whole collection.

Why?

Because I don't want material possessions anymore.

That and I don't need it to prove my worth. I know exactly where I stand.

Nowhere.

Nowhere. I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not. I love you too. Bye.

Hello. Hello.

Hello. Nothing. That's about it. Just nothing.

I think I'm going to die soon, pretty much.

Yeah.

Bored. Completely bored with life.

The only thing that really puts a smile on my face is putting poison in my

veins. I'll probably OD. Something that leaves my face good so I can have an

open casket funeral.

Something different.

Going to a different place.

I mean, there's really nothing, no reason for me to be sad whatsoever.

But I am. I always have been.

I'm just naturally down.

That's why I got into black metal.

Yeah, I mean, it found me.

I didn't go out looking for it. It just appeared.

Impaled Nazareth.

First tape I got was Toll Corp North, North, North.

It's one of the sickest albums ever.

You did it.

It's nobody's fucking fault that you're on.

It's like people say that, like, oh, I had a horrible childhood and blah, blah,

blah. And this is why.

You know what? I had a wonderful fucking childhood.

You did? I had a great childhood.

Very happy. Family. Blah, blah, blah, blah. All that fun bullshit. But you

what? I still turned out to be as fucked up as I am now.

It's nobody's fault but my own.

I did it myself.

You know what I'm saying?

You agree with that?

Yeah. But your childhood was fine?

Yeah. I guess that is just naturally there.

Though it has been.

I think it's probably, I don't know.

I was introduced to death at a pretty young age, like firsthand.

My dad killed himself like 10 feet away from me.

What did I do? No, what did your dad do? He shot himself in the head. He had

cancer and he only had like a week to live. It was a lot of suffering and

So I watched him die for about a year or two.

By the time he did it, he looked like nothing but a skeleton, literally.

The only thing that had any kind of weight was a big -ass tumor in his

Like a tumor with arms and legs.

He's pretty fucked up.

If you're in that much pain, I don't know, you've got the right to take your

life.

It's a good idea.

Well, I live. You're not really living.

I was born at Virginia Beach General Hospital.

Like, I was molested when I was a little girl. So I've never met my biological

father. I don't even know what he looks like.

And then she met this guy and married him.

And he was great to her, really in love with her, but he hated me.

He hated you? He hated me.

The only time that me and him ever spent together was, like, when I would get

out of the bath.

And when I was a little girl, I had real long hair.

And I'd get out of the bath, and he'd braid my hair. He'd brush my hair and

braid my hair.

And that was the only time we ever spent together.

And he called me fat.

He'd tell me I was ugly.

And he knew that I was stupid.

Like, I remember when I was a little girl, like, he'd play with me and stuff,

you know?

And one night, he was playing with me, and I was on the floor, and he was on

of me, and he was tickling me.

But I don't remember any of it. You don't remember it?

I don't remember it at all.

Because I don't do funerals.

Like, I deal with death by avoiding it.

Yeah, because I'm the fuck -up.

I'm the biggest fuck -up out of all of them.

Out of all of them? Out of all of them.

You know, I got pregnant when I was 15.

And then I got pregnant again when I was 17.

Well, I met him when I was about 11.

I lost my virginity when I was 12.

There was this guy, and last time I checked, he was a crackhead.

Well, recently I haven't been seeing them that much because I'm high all the

time, and I don't want to be around my kids when I'm high.

And your mom's cool with looking after them?

She's got custody of them. She pretty much took custody of them from me.

She actually told someone that maybe she can do right with them, where she

didn't with me.

What do you think about that?

I think that if they're going to turn out to be as fucked up as I am, it's

going to happen, you know? Some people are fucked up because of things that

happen to them, but for the most part, it's all in their own accord.

It really is. Even if they don't even really understand why, like... Hey,

baby.

Baby, hang on a second, okay?

Hello? Bye.

Hey, baby. I lost you.

Scram for me, girl. Scram for me.

Fuck!

Help me cop all of this, man.

That made me nervous.

Follow? Just had me nervous as a bitch. No, because we just had a cop following

us, man.

He follows us all the way until we go past, pull into the parking lot. I got a

bunch of narcotics on me.

Cut a piece off, like right there. Burn it.

That's all you got to do. Burn it until you don't see gold.

The crack is mental withdrawal.

Yeah, it has severe repercussions.

I took the knife from her to keep her from killing herself, but I commenced to

whipping her ass. So, I lost my house.

Well, she has marks on her. She just told you she was trying to kill herself.

Let her hack herself the fuck up. No, I ended up losing, I've lost everything I

have. I've only been married once and I have two kids by her. While I was gone

pending the court case, she sold everything I have.

Everything.

So, I've lost everything.

in the last couple of months. And I have no body.

I mean, I really have no body.

Get your elbow up my ass, man.

Stop it.

How are you feeling?

I'm feeling good.

It was good.

It was good? Yeah.

We shot a bunny rabbit with a nail gun. We threw him right on a grill.

He fucked that up. I fucked what up? Us fucking.

Because I was fucking your friend? Because we still fucked while I was

your friend.

Yeah,

I

used to have that shit on my ass.

You're dead.

It's an allergic reaction. That's why you itch from it. My legs were actually

bruised from scratching it.

Did you go scratching it the whole time?

No, I was scratching it. How often do you smoke crack?

Just about every day.

I used to be a crackhead. It's fun to do. The act of smoking crack is fun. As

you will see later. I enjoy it. Yeah.

Everyone's got their own technique of, you know, how they do it. I get really

hyper and, like, wanting to kill somebody when I smoke crack.

I mean, I've done some crack that's hardly done anything, and I've done some

crack that's made me vomit.

And I was locked up with her, too. When I was in TDAH, Tidewater Detention Home,

I kept fucking up while I was on probation. I kept fucking up. I had like

violations. I got popped with coke in my piss, and I didn't get my GED, and I

didn't do this, and I didn't do that.

Hello? Fentanyl. If one milligram of fentanyl equals ten milligrams of

Xanax. Xanax would make me evil. Damn near killed a kid. I gave him a

concussion. I broke four of his ribs. Thirty -some stitches in his face.

He'd almost drown, man, because of Xanax. I fucking knotted out in a bowl

cereal, man. My mom had to pull me fucking out. I had long -ass dreads at

time. I don't remember shit. Big -ass bowl of cereal, man. I tried to

intentionally kill myself. I felt pathetic.

Brad, are you going to want to get any more dope tonight?

I was just asking if you were going to want to get more.

I blacked out from eating Xanax. They told me that I should have died.

I was blacked out. I used to pop pills. I was prescribed trileptal. Tegretol

bipolar. It was making me hallucinate. You see people walking through the wall.

I was fucking dope sick. I started hallucinating. And you'll swear it's

mean, they look like they're there. I've never ever seen anything like that.

Trileptal, Seroquel, and Trasdome. Uh -huh. 50 milligrams of Trasdome.

prescribed me in the 100s and he told me to take as many. Because you were

kicking dope?

No. He was threatening me in nightmares and stuff. He had people following me.

He would sit outside my window while I was asleep and watch me sleep.

And I didn't get high. I was...

And I was sick prior to doing the two caps that I did.

I'm going to do those other two caps because I want to get high.

She came to my house one night, got back together, planned on getting married.

She said she needed money to go get a dress. Gave her $500 and she bounced

my money. She used that money so she could get back to West Virginia to be

her baby's dad.

Do you realize that you raped me last night? If you leave me, I'm going to

you. I'm going to kill you, so I'm going to kill you. I knew he could hurt me. I

was afraid of him.

How many kids you got, bro? I got two.

Uh -huh. My son's eight and my daughter's four.

Where they at?

With their mom.

Actually, right now, I can't see them.

Actually, my mother, I told you she's real fucked up. Yeah. But she has my son

and won't let me see him.

You know what I mean? They moved and didn't tell me where they moved to.

No, my mother went to court and lied and took my son from me.

No, I didn't want her having anything to do with my son because I didn't want

her fucking him up like she did me.

And now she is anyway.

He seems like he's happy, but it's not right. You know what I'm saying? That's

my boy.

I mean, he looks just like me. I mean, exactly.

Bushman, Mark Dykeman.

And how long have you guys been together for?

Let's see, a year and eight months.

And you don't do any drugs?

No. What do you think about Raven's drug use?

I don't like it.

I don't like what it does to her physically and emotionally.

And Raven has two kids. She loves her kids more than life itself.

But I just hate the fact that what she does and, you know, how it impacts.

Her relationship with her kids. I mean, we fight about it all the time. I tell

her that, you know, she needs to stop. Because when we first met, she was

She'd been clean a week, and then we met, and we got together.

And she was, one day she just dropped, you know, do you mind if I smoke a

crack? And I didn't know a thing about drugs. I was like, oh, you know, okay,

yeah. Little did I know that, you know, a year and whatever later, now she's

doing heroin and stuff, you know.

I was working there part -time.

Trying to pay for my divorce.

And she came in one day, and I was like, wow.

We spent about every single day.

When I'm not out to see, we spend every day together.

She was real sick, and I hate seeing her sick.

I tell her, I'm not buying you drugs. I'm not spending my money on your drugs.

I took her to the emergency room twice, and it cost me $1 ,700 each time.

Because I hate to see her, but that time...

I just took my guitar and I pawned it over for 40 bucks.

Gave her the money and she went and got well.

Next day, same thing.

We pawned so much stuff.

I have my DVD player and my TV. We pawned that over.

And you did it all for Raven?

Yes. You wouldn't believe the stuff I've done for her. Holy shit.

It's against the ABC law in Virginia.

I get in trouble, but I can't help it when I get into the shit.

Like, I'd be dancing, like, hardcore like crazy.

It's so much more. It's so hard to explain, man. It's more than just a

music. More than just a lifestyle.

I live and fucking breathe black metal.

Oh, I mean, black metal foremost, I mean, should be about Satan. It is, you

know, its roots are founded on Satanism. Black metal vocals are the thickest.

High -pitched shrieks, you know, screaming, you know, fuck all that

bullshit. A band called Bathory started the whole high -pitched, you know,

shrieking shit. Yeah, Bathory was the shit, man. The singer of Bathory, he

two years ago. He fucking died.

Bathory was so way ahead of his time. Their first three albums were real raw,

grim -ass, fucking, you know, old -school black metal. And then after

they, uh...

went on this whole viking thing you know what i'm saying which is cool you know

because you know people from sweden norway you know are all about odin you

norse mythology and shit you don't just become a satanist or anything man it's

either fucking born in you or it's not you're not gonna know when you're a kid

if you're a satanist and you're a satanist or not you know i'm just saying

know you just become awakened one day that fucking quote do what thou wilt

be the whole of the law just like that's the way it should be don't deny your

basic primitive human fucking although i do Believe in a higher power. Something

had to fucking create all this bullshit.

I'd much rather fucking burn for eternity than to be up there doing

-ups. This is the way Satan works.

This is exactly how Satan works.

Satan has a hold of Raven, and he... This is Satan.

Yeah, it's the drug of Satan. It manipulates your mind. It turns you

God. Satan isn't here to bring you to him.

Satan's job is just to make you believe that there is no God. He could care less

if you believe in him, as long as you don't believe in God.

Brian and Raven, it's Satan's work.

That's Satan at work. Satan is looking at his work with Raven and Brian and

smiling at me. Look, I'm doing this because I feel like I'm indulging. If it

feels good, do it. My belief is that y 'all are just living a dream, man. This

is nothing but a dream. When you die, you wake up.

And we all unite.

This right here, this is fucked up, man. This ain't nothing. It's just a

nightmare dream, dude.

We all wake up one day.

We'll wake up.

I wish my parents, my parents were free when I was first laid.

Yeah,

close that.

Fucking top, man. I hate a motherfucker in the uniform.

Uh -huh.

Man, they're depressing.

In 89, come here.

Try to get away from a real father.

So I'm sending my cousin.

You better hope he never walks out the gates of the prisons.

The last 11, 12 years he's been there.

For what?

Alright,

let's do that, bro.

This is the perils of drug use.

Oh yeah, you wanna see something real fucked up? This is fucking disgusting.

This is scary shit. Y 'all ready?

Yeah, man. Here it comes.

Get that one.

I could slit a newborn's throat with that one.

Once a junkie, always a junkie. I am proof of that.

I have an abscess in my armpit.

That's the drugs coming out of my

body.

That's where it comes out. It's going to form a, um, it's going to form like a

head and it's going to burst.

When you miss and it doesn't go into your vein, it's just, it's kind of

around on your fucking skin.

It has to come out somehow.

And well, that's how it comes out. I

really

do love crack.

I like crack a lot.

I form a...

Very special bond with all of my crack dealers.

Like my one dude, BJ, he looks out for me.

And he makes sure that, you know, that I'm okay.

See, my mom was Miss Tidewater Go -Go in 1979.

She used to be a go -go dancer.

She lives actually right up the street. But she don't dance no more. Do you talk

to her?

She's my mommy.

I mean, she's a fucking bitch.

You know what? When I kicked, I got more praise from my dope dealers

than I did from my own mother.

She's a bitch. It's like this, okay?

No matter what I do, I could have done it better.

Actually, I don't know my biological father.

When I was a little girl, she told me that...

My daddy was an oyster.

I can show this to all your friends when you grow up.

Like, one time, oh, you want to hear a really great story.

I got the dope.

Everybody that was there that night, she left me for Brad. Like, they pretty

much left me for Brad.

Hey, dude.

I told him I'd give him, like, 30, 40 bucks.

I'll be back in a moment, though.

I don't even know Spanish.

I made a dumb ass mistake, though.

Start fucking her. But I only did it because I got a cell phone out of the

She wanted me to be her security.

And she's like, yeah, I'll pay you. And she gave me like 10 bucks one night.

She's a fucking gutter cunt.

She's a prostitute. She fucks men. Three chairs for gutter. She fucks men for

fucking money. Like, a good amount, too. She charges $200.

Oh, sorry about that. I explained it. Is that what you were talking about me?

You were just talking about me. Oh, what'd you say?

You got some cool -ass tattoos. Show me your tattoos.

Fuck yeah, I do.

You're a good -ass artist, man.

Oh, you want to see my other one? Yeah.

All right.

Check this shit out.

Dying.

What is that? This is my new one.

It's a yellow bird.

Like, this band, like, Brize, he talks about yellow birds, but my version is a

human heart. It's all written like that. With a skull in it.

And, like, flame wings and shit. It says misery.

He's flying over misery. Because I always want misery in my pocket, bitch.

You know what I'm saying?

I beat the fuck out of people and do them in the ass and, like, hurt them.

oh, I pissed on them, shit on them.

Anything nasty or, like, you know, all the things you wanted to do to people.

Yeah, I was doing fucked up shit. Turned on, like, 500 and fucked them to death.

Call myself a dumb nature.

But, you know, self -proclaimed because, I mean, I got my ass kicked enough back

in the day and I could handle pain more than any motherfucker, I think.

I'm going to get so much play. I met Brad and, like... He always talked to me

all happy, like, but he hates everybody, so yeah. I guess we're friends.

One night, she came to my crib, and I was just like, you know, I want to fuck.

played in the car while she did her thing. We used to go to this truck stop

right up here, fuck some dude in there, and spend her hard -earned cash on crack

cocaine.

Oh, I beat the shit out of a guy in a truck.

Yeah, that's what he told me. He was like, wild lizards. I've been to every

trailer park down here, man.

I've opened the Derby Run. Yeah, that's the white crackhead one.

Big colony.

Trailer City. I've been in that one they tore down on Halloween. We were just

burned. I never did this until I went on the internet, man. I get shy dudes with

crack guns.

I'll break your shine as quick. I'm like, okay, all right, let's do this. I

up on the street and then crappy little everywheres. I've never lived in a place

for more than three months.

Yeah. She got them all, yo.

You know Raven's got parasites in her?

Yeah, I have parasites.

Okay, what they are is, it's a parasite.

They're little, like, you see these little, all of these?

Like, see all these little guys here?

And, like, I'm basically, I'm pretty positive that I got them from YouTube.

What the fuck?

You got a needle? You got a needle? It's got germs on it. I'm not a doctor.

Are they eating away at your skin or something? Yeah.

They're like this. I was faced with it.

Let me get closer.

Fucking diaper. I was in West Virginia. We went to this

fucking cemetery. It was like a family -owned one in the middle of nowhere.

And we dug this fucking body up. We needed a left hand. And it was a woman.

when we fucking dug it up, it was like, it just fucked me all up.

Because the smell was so horrible, and it took us forever to do it. Well,

usually the fresh dead person, dude.

Oh, my friend?

Yeah. This older man, and he has, like, dough, and

there's these chicks, and he wants chicks to, like, play. He's into, what

bestiality and all that, and kinky stuff.

He cops.

all these drugs, and these girls come over. I mean, he's got some low -budget

chicks at the moment, you know, just straight.

I'll smoke all your shit and tease you, you know? How old are they?

All kinds of ages.

How old are they?

Like, at least.

55 -ish, I think.

I'm pretty much his pep school instructor.

You know, I'm teaching him, like, if you have one A -ball, and you have two

chicks come over, and it's gone, and you didn't even get but two seconds of the

length, it's done.

You know what I mean? Yeah, but see, he doesn't understand.

Okay, an ugly dude, right? He knows he's ugly, so he's gonna...

Talk to bitches, like, you see what I'm saying? Like, you don't know how to get

what you want and how you are. He listened to me a lot, and I'm teaching

these words and shit, and he, you know, he's getting really good at the lingo

and shit. This is a really great dude.

Because, I mean, he looks out for me. You know, I've had some hard times

I'd probably be dead now if it wasn't for him. I taught him this other thing.

More or less the lines on how to dominate the situation.

You look, because...

Pretty much explaining the fact, look, in this world of drug, you know what the

fuck the bitches want. Come the hell on, they're crack hoes. And look, they're

trying to get whatever they can for nothing.

All right, and if you don't come out and know that, you know what I'm saying,

then you're going to get ran the fuck over.

Tell them what to do. So I was like, man, look, take control. We brought this

one chick over, and she was my first test for him.

I mean, as far as me helping the situation.

Brandon, when I come over, you have a set price. Like, when I go to calls on

business, you have your door fee money up front.

I figure out what you want, if I'm charging it, should I take that shit?

And you know, paid up, then I'm going to do my job, right?

Okay, if you pay a bitch, you know.

freely, she's not gonna do anything, so I was like, look, well, so what are you

trying to pay the bitch, and what do you want, you want a debt, I'm like, all

right, let me take care of this, have a 40 bag ready, and already bagged up,

have one hit for her, when she gets here, and let me take care of the rest,

the girl gets there, and I'm like, what's good, you know, I'm good with

and fucking, I'm like, how you doing, you're hot, This and that. I'm like,

this is a lowdown, dude.

This is my friend here, you know, like family, look.

And I know what you're here for and you like smoking, but I'm going to be real

with you, you know.

Look, these bitches run through and they don't do shit.

Look, the man will pay you very good.

But the fact is he has certain needs. He doesn't just do this to watch bitches

smoke crack.

I mean, you know, nobody does.

And I'm like, look, what are you down? I mean, you could play with me in front

of him. You could, you know what I'm saying, do all this.

She's like, I'm not gay, but I think I would be for you.

That's how good it was. Well, do you give head?

She's like, yeah.

I'm like, great.

Pull out the bag, you know, always show them what they want.

I'm like, look, this is what you'll be paying.

Of course that's going to make it better, right? Because he does it the

you know, questionably way.

Now, I was like, you're not going to touch this shit until you're done. You

don't spend your money before you make it.

Right? And you can have this hip right here. I gave her another.

And then we'll get to work.

And she's like, great. I love how you're so blunt and this and that.

Well, so I said, give her that and send the bitch to work.

She's sitting there sucking a man's dick.

Two days.

I was in a man's dick, like a little pro champion bitch.

She was a good one.

You know what I'm saying?

She was done. We gave her a shit and a little dime of weed.

She wanted some money for cigarettes, and she left.

Now, it took about maybe 45 minutes for that.

She didn't sit and smoke all this shit.

She asked me to go home with it. For real, like all these girls are trying to

act like they're not whores and this and that.

You know, like, he'd pay them just to sit there.

He's an old dude, and he has heart problems, man.

They'd be knocking on his windows all night, like, making his shit hot.

He has a, look, he's very high -ranked, man, as far as a lot of things. I'm not

going to talk about it, you know, but he's done a lot in his life for a lot of

people, you know, and it's fucked up.

Because, look, and they'd be making him feel bad for shit.

You know what I'm saying? Like, feel guilty for that.

I'm like, bitch, you better start yelling at these motherfuckers. Kick

bitches in the mind, you know?

You know what I'm saying? You tell that bitch to get down on the floor and

fucking fuck herself, you know? And then get up on your dick and suck it. Or she

ain't getting shit.

You know what I'm saying? Fuck that, dude. You know what I'm saying? You're

control. You have the fucking drugs.

We all know.

The bitches are sucking on your titty for one fucking reason. They don't like

you. They act like they're your friend. They don't want to cook you food and all

that. It's just for them not having to do something.

It's like fluff, man. Everyone's about fluff.

The world's about fluff, dude, and it's bullshit.

That's why I hate living.

You're right.

And that's why I say to you, there's certain things you learn in life and

realizations that you can't kick.

That's why my only plan in life is to get rich.

So they can sit in a mansion on a hill and tell everyone to fuck off.

And if I want to drug habit, then I'm going to cop it.

Like, seriously.

Because one reason.

Bitch, if you're going to do something, you do it right.

I ain't no small -time bitch if I'm going to cop drug habit. I'm not going

scrounging for my 20s, bitch.

I'm going to fucking have enough to kill myself.

Like the guy from Nirvana.

He had the funds.

Yeah. Well, this is what crack does. When you're kicking, it just prolongs

sickness. Crack, it speeds up your metabolism.

When you smoke the crack, it pushes out of your system faster. You feel more

sick, but it does actually get it out of your system faster. Well, I don't just

do crack or anything.

I do all the drugs.

I do whatever the fuck drug I'm getting, bitch.

No, I just like being fucked up, dude.

It's a choice. Fucking acid, dude. I'm a hallucinogen freak.

Old school is a core, bitch.

Acid will make you a fucking crazy. It's probably the reason why I think of all

these crazy theories and apes sometimes.

But it opens your mind to reality of a lot of things.

Nine out of ten things don't matter. All the rules they line out is just to keep

us in control. Like religion, all that going to work shit. And it's just

reason for total anarchy to not be here. Because people are followers.

They need something to believe in.

Same reason why alcoholics fall into God, dude. There are a lot of people who

commit suicide and 90 % of those people do it because they're weak.

Like me.

I know how I'm going to die. I'm going to take my own life. Save myself the

fucking trouble of having to fucking be old and decrepit. I won't have the

strength to hang myself.

And if I... I mean, look at me. I'm a little girl.

You know what?

It doesn't make things go away.

You just don't feel them.

They're still there. You just don't feel them.

I do drugs.

My self -medication makes me feel better.

Does it work?

I guess.

One day I'll learn how to shoot myself.

I'm about to shoot some Oxycontin. I got these from my mom.

No. Brad's mom's the shit. We think I'm a girl named Bina. She was a straight

-up crack horse, really fucked dick, everything, for crack, like 10 bucks.

G. Rod G. I fucked her. She's got the ugliest pussy I've ever fucked. Yeah,

shit is fucking nasty. It looks like it's gonna bite you.

Her son, a roach, crawled into his ear. I know, I was with her. And he had to go

to the hospital because a fucking cockroach died into his ear. His ear

Yeah, she's a raunchy, nasty hoes.

She has a crazy girlfriend.

You look like a Jew that came out of a concentration camp, okay?

Take this.

Okay, are you going to be okay?

Yeah.

Unfortunately, Brad's the only person who's allowed to die in my apartment and

not get thrown into the dumpster.

Lab created heroin.

Is that the heroin?

The pain never goes away.

Yeah, and you take it all at one time.

Love you.

And you can...

Word out. When you get addicted to opiates, it's more than just an

beat it out of him. I beat it out of him.

I choked it one day.

You want to kill me?

Bitch, don't even make me regulate this shit. You forgot who the fuck I am,

motherfucker. I'm all out of fucking misery, bitch. I'll learn you like my

learned me. I'll learn you in the face of my stiletto, motherfucker.

And it is eight inches.

I'll fucking I'll punch you in the fucking uterus

See you all the day about to die.

Best way to smoke crack.

I've been drinking a lot. Oh yeah, I'm working with a little bit of something.

Give me a shit then, fag.

Quitters are quitters, bitch. I'm into you.

Fuck right.

Shoot some whiskey.

As a tribute to Angie.

Shoot me.

I'll do all your motherfucking choice, bitch, so you don't have to worry about

thinking about having a fucking feeling that you could.

I love that. That's a friend, dude.

Give me your head, my boy.

Yeah, you do.

If you fucking pierce my jugular, remember,

who saved you?

That's the only thing that saved you. I did. And that's who killed you, bitch.

That'd be a funny one.

This is making me feel nervous. Put it down.

My workers.

Don't get us wrong, we're not crackheads or anything, you know.

Back when I first started using dope, I met this really old cat. He goes by the

name of Cat Paul, and he's like 60 -something years old, you know, really

-ass black dude. Really the only black dude I fuck with, you know.

He gets me dope, and, I mean, he's a fiend himself, you know, but he's like a

dad to me, you know. I've known him for a long -ass time, so we went through

him. He taught me the whole game.

You know, I mean, when I sold heroin, I'd always go through him, you know. He

just, I don't know. I mean, like a dad, like, you know, he just, he brought me

up and just, you know, raised me in the whole dope game, you know. He taught me

everything, you know, how to weigh it, how to put cut in it. And plus, when

Angie was still alive, you know, he was her hookup.

Been in the Navy almost 27 years.

Originally, I liked the, I liked to travel. Yeah. I liked being out to sea.

I know what I'm doing out to sea. The hard part now is being away.

I'm done traveling. I've seen everything I want to see.

I'm from the hills of West Virginia.

I worked at a coal mine before I came to the Navy.

And I thought, well, I'll come out of that hole one day. I just ain't going

back. I ain't going back in this hole.

Did you guys get along when he was growing up and stuff?

I wasn't here a whole lot.

The thing was, my wife would raise him most of the time. When I'd come back

home, then I would try to.

buy that love back or buy that time I missed back by just giving, giving,

giving.

We didn't see eye to eye on a lot of things. Then when he got a teenager, we

really started getting at each other.

I know Brad's into a lot of things. I know Brad's into drugs and everything

else. I've done everything I can to help him that I possibly could.

Like I said, I did everything I could for him.

No matter what Brad does and how things go, he's still my son.

I mean, he is still my son.

And I always love him for that.

But it don't mean I've got to like him.

I pretty much cut most of the strings with him. I try to help him out when I

can, when I can do.

And the last time we had our knockdown dragout, I told him, I said, when he was

clean for a year and had a job and doing the stuff that he's capable of doing,

which he's capable of doing.

Then he'd come back and we'd start all over again. But until then, until I know

he's clean, I can't deal with it.

We wanted to get married,

get clean, and raise her daughter and maybe have kids of our own.

I loved her daughter. I still do to this day. We had both went to rehab and

everything, and she lost her daughter.

A couple weeks prior to that, we were trying to battle to keep custody of her.

While she was in rehab, she pretty much lost her. She knew she was going to lose

her. A lawyer contacted her and told her that she didn't have a chance in hell.

I got out of rehab and put my own money up to put Angie in a really good one

out in Newport News.

At that time, we had a pregnancy scare, and I thought she was pregnant.

And so, you know, I wanted her to have the best rehab to get off of it, to get

the best help she could get, because I was done with it, you know, and I wanted

her to be done with it. If we were going to make it work, you know. And the

night she got out, you know, I had everything set up for her at my house.

know, she was coming to move back in, you know, and everything.

And I'm sitting there waiting and waiting and waiting, you know, and just

waiting.

About two hours later, I get a call from her mom saying that they found her in

Portsmouth. behind the shooting range, you know, with the needle still in her

arm. And she had OD'd off heroin.

So she just got out of rehab that night.

So the way I see it, she was dead set on doing it, you know. Our main hookups

were out in Newport News and Portsmouth. Portsmouth is where we got our raw at,

which is what she OD'd off of, which is the shit I'm doing right now, you know.

you shoot up one cap of raw, just even a half a cap, that's gonna fuck you up,

you shoot three fucking caps of raw, dude, you're, you're asking the OD, you

know, and, uh, no, it's dope central, it's an abandoned, it used to be a

pawn shop slash shooting range where people could go in and pay to shoot guns

out back, and, uh, she met a guy named Doc back there, and,

uh, scored, three or four caps. I blacked out when I found out

about it, and her mom came and picked me up. We went out there, found her. I saw

her, put her in, you know, they put her in a body bag, everything, man, you

know?

And we came to identify her body and shit and make sure it was her.

But, uh, I don't know.

The paramedics explained to me that she was, uh,

Three to four months pregnant at the time of her death.

And, you know, the baby died, you know.

A lethal shot like that, a dope, you know what I'm saying. And then, you

who knows what else she had in her system, you know.

There's no telling. It was a double funeral for my unborn child and Angie.

I am pregnant.

This guy, um, well, I've been on birth control for, like, a long time now.

See, the thing is, I've been pregnant one time before.

I'm 17.

I have nothing. I have no family. I have nobody.

It's all me.

I don't trust anybody that's not due to all this. I'm very void and distant from

people. Completely not, like, don't give a fuck. Like, and in those moods, it's

scary. I'm trying to have an abortion.

I have to give money.

I don't even know how far along I am because, like, when I found out, the

went to jail.

It was like fucking 600 bucks total.

I'm kind of screwed at the moment.

I mean, he really broke me down when I first got pregnant. Like, called me a

drug addict this and that. And I told him I'd go crazy and be mad and

And he promised one day I'm going to fuck him and he'd take care of me.

It's like two months, I think.

I need you to sit really still.

These are my beautiful baby boys.

And they're my babies. I love them to death. I had Patrick when I was 16.

My mom kind of scammed me into giving her custody of him.

And then she pretty much did the same thing with William when he was born.

And I didn't used to do drugs all the time.

I used to be a full -time.

Mommy.

That was all I did.

My mother thought she could do a better job raising my children.

And once I didn't have them, I didn't... There wasn't really any reason

not to fuck up.

I just did more than I had to do.

I did three caps.

Is that more than you would usually do?

Yeah. I hate your face.

That's not the right word, man. I call it arterial spurting.

It's time to get off the road.

What's wrong?

What's up?

I'm making you a pamphlet.

That's Raven. His pamphlet.

She doesn't have a pamphlet.

My heart's not going to be right when I die, but the feelings I got in my heart,

I ain't going to, I'll be going downstairs, not upstairs, you know what

saying? So I've got to get this made right, even if it's just to tell him

think of him.

What would you tell him?

What would I tell him?

I'd probably ask him why he did to two little girls the things that he did.

Three - and four -year -old kids shouldn't remember stuff like this.

And this is really bad of him teaching my cousin

how to sexually abuse me and my sister.

What kind of father does that?

You know, when you take a three - or four -year -old kid, they don't really

what's happening to them until it's almost over with. You know what I'm

And that's how he got his kick.

He would sit down and make me and my sister sit in front of him, and he would

play the guitar for real slow, just strumming, strumming, and strumming,

just the same chord over and over.

And me and my sister, we both would swear to each other, we're not going to

we're not going to cry, we're going to be strong. We'd hold hands.

Usually it was downstairs or something like that, in the basement or something

like that, no lights and stuff like that, you know.

In a little box that me and my sister, we always had these little boxes inside

of us that we would put those bad things in, you know.

Little girls do silly things like that, but it helps.

They wanted to cut the machines off.

My husband says, you going to unplug her?

He says, I'll see you in hell.

Nobody unplugged me. It's a good thing because I was waking up.

A few weeks later, about this time I was paralyzed.

All you can do is look and hope, because you can still feel, but you're

paralyzed. I can't speak, and the tears would come out floating, and in

blackness. There was no light, no nothing, blackness.

There was a butterfly at one time. You know, just looking in darkness.

I was in labor five days with that boy.

He was trying to come out his shoulder first.

I almost died with that baby. Me and him both almost died.

He would have broke his neck, and it would have killed me too.

So I had a few sections.

I had a temperature, I think, of 150.

He put me on a bed of ice. He was a very happy kid.

He was proud of his dad.

Dad wasn't always there.

But they were, they didn't start,

the void didn't come until...

I

still blame myself.

and I will always blame myself.

I know he was experimenting.

I got ill, and I brought the medicine down.

It was mine.

The pill come for me, and he was taking it from me, and no matter what I did, I

couldn't keep him out of it. Tox actually was, to me, I thought was my

drug in the beginning because it gave me that hit real quick.

And it took the pain away. And from Telox, it just gradually went from Telox

DiverSat, from DiverSat to Demerol. And Demerol just keeps going up until you're

on the most hard stuff, and there's none anymore.

You know what I'm saying?

What's the hardest stuff?

The synthetic earwax.

There's nothing no harder than that, you know? What's that called, though?

Fentanyl.

Yeah, that's what these are.

Where's that?

There, there.

These are 75 -milligram patches. I was taking the fentanyl lollipop, and that

was actually the one that was affecting my sleep -off and causing my sleep -off

really to be nasty.

When I was on the meds, I was hurting myself. I stabbed myself in the head one

time with scissors.

I almost bled to death.

There was a pair of scissors on the sink, and I guess who knows why there's

answers. I just remember waking up, and my head was down.

And I licked, the floor was covered in saturated blood.

And I'm covered in blood.

And I'm licking arms. I didn't think, but I noticed I'm seeing foggy, you

And I banged, and I felt my head. And it was crunchy.

And I stabbed myself twice.

See, you have all these little teeny veins in your head.

They're bleeders.

Brad. When I would catch him stealing my drugs, he was really genuinely

sorry. He would try so hard not to.

And I hate myself. That's what I hate.

Why?

I don't understand.

He did try so hard.

He didn't want to hurt me.

He wasn't trying to hurt me.

He was just trying to make himself.

You know what I'm saying?

Get rid of the pain that he was having from not having it.

You know, the withdrawal.

And I'll be honest with you, I tried to help him so many times to come down off

of it easy.

And my bad parents were doing that.

I tried to wean him off of it.

Some people would have known that they wasn't told. They could have put me in

jail for that, you know that?

But I love him.

anything for him. I wish

I could take his habit and put it

in my body.

That way he wouldn't have it no more.

When he turned 18, he started dating women with drugs.

and also had illnesses and was

older than him, lots older than him.

He was trying to get another mom or recreate another mom,

but he still had me. That's what I don't understand is why.

Because I won't let him die.

I can't let him die.

I can't let him die.

We're going to die anyway.

It's not so much wanting to die. It's just knowing it's going to happen.

We're going to die anyway.

It's

about

Chris.

Laughing at Chris.

He's dead.

Yeah.

He's dead.

What about Raven? Tell us about Raven.

She's dead too.

She looked pretty dead.

I just don't care.

Neither do I.

Yeah, nobody likes to see their people that are close to them destroy

themselves. Yeah.

That's why I don't have friends anymore.

Nope, same here. Well, I got rid of a lot of my friends.

Some of my friends got rid of me.

I ruined them because I didn't want to get to hassle them every time I hang out

with them. So I saved them and myself a bunch of bullshit drama.

Yeah.

Fuck them.

Yeah, exactly.

They're not going to help me. I'm not damn sure I'm going to help them,

I don't like having to... He's my friend.

Yeah.

That's your friend?

Yeah.

Is that a good friend?

Well, this one, yeah.

It's not bad.

There you want this.

How much is in it?

I don't know.

Let me see.

Yeah, I missed a fucking lot, yeah.

I can't let my son go to drugs and drugs swallowing my fault.

I want him to have a good life.

I want him to wake up and not dread, you know, God, who do I have to hide from

today? Or is somebody looking for me? Or what do I have to do to get a hit?

You know?

He told me that one time.

He begged me so hard for some Oxycontin one time.

He says, Mom, please.

He says, you don't know what it's like, what I'll have to do to go get it, Mom.

And I gave it to him.

I didn't want him shooting his face.

I said, I've got to do my head. I thought, well, maybe I could wean him

Was that so wrong?

Thank you.

person with the talent of doing this.

You're going into my bedroom.

mother.