Original subtitles

Let's go.

Doc.

She has no recollection

of the last eight years.

Bring it on.

I came here to help you.

"Kitchen Nightmares"

Are you in.

And "Going Dutch"

Pew pew pew.

First guns I've seen on the base.

Let's go, let's go.

All available now.

That's an AirPod.

You're crazy. It's a barrette.

Good news.

Velvet has passed the item and is doing great.

This is your last chance to lock in your guess

on what velvet crapped out.

We see this in our house every month.

It's an AirPod.

Guys, Velvet lives in a house full of girls.

Smart money's on a barrette.

He thinks it's a crab.

Hermit crab.

Let's do this.

Two of us are wrong.

So, that means two of us are right?

Yeah.

What is that?

Oh, it's a doll head barrette combo.

- Yeah! - Yes.

Uh-oh.

And an AirPod. All right, everybody wins!

Except for you, Shred.

It means you have to clean up.

No, it seems fair.

Come on, big boy.

Let's go get some paper towels.

Emily's still not here?

I called her twice,

and I left a message with her mechanic.

I don't trust that guy.

Let's not waste this downtime.

Me and Shred are hosting an open house tomorrow.

It's been a tough road as far as flips go.

Yeah, the black mold, the squatter,

the guy that fell through the ceiling.

And those bones we found in the backyard

are definitely a human rib cage.

So, we're asking you to swing by the house,

create a bustling ambiance.

Nobody likes to eat at an empty restaurant.

Yeah, maybe come by, put in a fake offer or a real one.

Especially if you like fancy Japanese toilets.

We installed one in the powder room,

and it's officially my favorite seat in the house.

Here's a kicker. You help us close a sale,

You might be entitled to a little taste.

What kind of taste?

You reel in a fish, you'll get a nibble.

Uh-oh.

Oh.

Hey, boss. Everything okay?

Oh, do you want some hand sani?

What's the point?

Yeah, I just found out that the city

is pulling our kennel construction permits on Monday

due to a lack of funding, so um...

Yeah, it took a little extra time at the drive-thru

to grieve the death of my dream.

You're only five minutes late.

Six, actually.

I'm sorry I let you all down.

You guys see that?

She has breakfast sausage in her hair?

Yeah, that was sausage.

You two broke her.

Us?

Wait, how is this our fault?

Emily's dream was alive and well

until you two decided to have sex with a billionaire.

Got dumped,

and then you broke into her house to throw a rager.

People are saying

it's the biggest office screw-up since Devon.

What?

Oh, okay. Hold up.

We're not even in the same universe as Devon.

I mean, his screw up is etched in animal control lore.

This is barely a water cooler talking point.

I don't know, man.

Templeton's precinct sent over this cake.

Congrats on your Frank-up.

It sounds like a compliment to me.

Nobody sent baked goods for Devon.

Yeah, because it wasn't nearly as epic.

You know, you guys are on a different scale.

You were not even here when Devon was here.

You're still new, pipe down.

Yes, but it is office lore.

These stories get passed down through generations,

and they live inside me now.

This is not lore.

The news cycle has moved on,

and people are talking a lot about

old sausage hair, now.

Say that nickname again and see what happens.

Man, this is good.

Frank-up is becoming a verb.

What we did is a blip.

What Devon did is officially part of our safety training.

Oh, good God!

We're going to be in the HR manual next year.

We got to fix this.

I just feel terrible for Emily. Like she's so down.

No one's going to remember Emily

in a hundred years. This is forever.

We gotta rewrite history.

Ah, text Fiona.

Convince her to give us the money back.

Shouldn't I do that

on account of me texting since I was seven

and you wearing your cell phone on your belt

up until last year?

It's done. Texted her.

Okay.

Hope you didn't Frank that up.

Go Frank yourself.

Real good.

Babe, great job with the baked potato bar.

I've never seen one of these at an open house

and I go to a lot for the freebies.

Ah, you're hitting that up early, huh?

Yeah.

Is that a piece of cheese in the sour cream?

Oh, yeah. I'm only using one spoon

to keep the others clean. You're welcome.

Hey, hey, hey! What's up?

Oh.

Oh, smells like sandalwood and bacon bits.

Well done, fellas.

Where's Emily?

I thought you two were carpooling?

She's out singing Mary J. Blige

to a dead butterfly.

What?

That's not the sales vibe we're looking for.

Can we get her in here? Emily!

Hey, there she is!

Oh, what up?

Listen, if you're not uh,

you know, feeling up to this, you don't have to...

you don't have to do this, you can go home.

No, no, no, no, I want to be here for you guys,

'cause I know you would be there for me.

You know, at my groundbreaking, if it was happening,

which it's not.

Oh, no. Are you sure you're okay?

When was the last time you ate?

I think it was yesterday... morning.

Oh.

Oh, my God, you're in luck, girly.

It's free-loaded spuds back here.

Oh. That's nice.

Yeah, go eat.

Go have a potato.

We're going to run out of food.

Is this the open house?

Fresh meat.

Hi, Amit Patel,

broker, co-owner, proud father of these exposed beams.

This is a classic craftsman, great flow

and it's permitted for a guest house.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Yeah, sure. Walk yourself around

we're here if you need us. No pressure.

Love the energy,

but we're actually not permitted for a guest house.

Does she know that?

Ooh. You hear that, Shred?

Bettany wants a taste.

And not just the toe. I want the whole... baby.

Yeah. I mean, I think you jump metaphors,

but we're excited to have you on the team.

Well, you should be,

because I didn't take that four-day Suze Orman seminar

for the tote bag, you know what I mean?

She said she'd come by at 2:00. It's 2:20.

Must be dolling herself up.

What did your text say?

It's totally normal.

I don't believe you. Let me see your--

let me see your phone.

Why did you send her a Black Santa?

Look, I didn't have my readers on.

Frank!

Victoria!

Allen?

It is so good to see you.

Where's Fiona?

Fiona sends her regards, but she couldn't make it.

I knew I should have messaged her.

You put 'From Frank' at the end of every text.

Yeah, so she would know who was texting her.

She's authorized me to speak on her behalf so...

fire away!

Allen, we would like Fiona to reconsider pulling funding

for the new kennel.

Sorry, guys, but it's a non-starter.

Well, you've backed us into a corner,

so we are left with only one option.

The nuclear one.

What?

We're going to go wide with this headline.

'Lifestyle Maven has Three-way with City Workers'.

We didn't have a three...

Have you been telling people we had a three-way?

Doesn't matter, the headline pops.

Do we have your attention now, Allen?

So, you are threatening to break your NDAs?

Hmm, that puts me in a pickle.

because I and the rest of my legal team

would be forced to sue you guys for everything you're worth,

which I think is not a lot.

I get by.

So you want me to do it?

No.

Okay, I won't.

Now, would you like me to validate your parking?

Insulting.

It's $25.

My associate demands I accept.

You stamped that?

Take care of yourselves.

I hate that look of pity in his eyes.

It's so genuine.

Look, we don't need human emotion, we need cash.

We could start a GoFundMe.

Like Devon did after his incident.

No, it takes way too long.

How about Rick?

Our buddy with one ear and $500K?

Oh, that is brilliant. You're brilliant.

Because he has heaps of cash and a heart of gold.

He has exactly the kind of mope we need.

He'll save our legacies.

And the well-being of our friend.

Emily.

Yeah, sure.

I mean, those poor, poor dogs.

Without that kennel,

they are just going to be piled on top of each other.

You know, barely room to sleep,

covered in fleas, feces everywhere.

Mom, can we leave?

The potato lady's freaking me out.

Honestly, potato lady is freaking herself out, kid.

Uh, if you guys have any questions, you hurry on back.

- Hey Em. - Mmhmm.

I need you for a very important job down the hall.

I get it, you want me to go.

What? No, no, no.

It's just that we just want our brightest star

to help us with this house's crown jewel.

We got a Japanese toilet in there.

Wow.

Yeah.

Could... I could bring my potato?

Yeah, I wish I could say yes,

but, you know, it's, uh, very loaded

and we just got it steam cleaned...

That's fine, I'll just bring it.

Yeah. Okay.

We got a bit of a situation, guys.

You see that couple over there?

Yes.

They're talking like they want to pay in cash,

but they know there's no competition.

Dang.

I wish there was another young couple here.

There is.

You want us to lie.

Done.

Okay, I'm Laura. You're Jeffrey.

Okay.

We've been married three and a half years.

It was tough at first

when I was in the Peace Corps for two years.

We had to do long distance, but we made it work.

Mm.

We are relocating to this neighborhood

because of my job. I am a human rights lawyer.

Yes, and my job is mapmaker.

Let's do insurance rep.

You know it's boring. No follow-up questions.

Oh, so I just make maps for fun.

Or just.... don't do maps.

Friends! Join me!

Mind if we play through?

Haha, he's kidding. We respect whatever this is.

How are you guys doing? It has been too long.

I haven't seen you since I broke into your house.

And I'm loving the new look. It's very cult leader chic.

Thank you.

I fell in love with linen in Nepal.

I haven't looked back since.

Well, that's awesome.

Um... there's been a bit of a hiccup with the new kennel.

Oh, yeah. I heard about your little snafu.

Kind of a Devon situation.

It's gone wide across religious boundaries.

How is Emily handling this? Is she doing okay?

She's a rock, like always.

If you don't mind, we're not actually here

to take a walk down memory lane.

Then, why are you here?

Are you looking for a little introspection?

Some interior work? Finally.

- No, we need money. - Yeah.

I would really love to help.

Thank you!

Or rather, my past self would have loved to.

And with whom are we speaking?

I gave my settlement money away.

So, you're broke.

I'm repaired, actually.

And what does your new girlfriend think of this?

Anna? Yeah, I had to say goodbye to her, too.

Well, really, once I gave the money away,

she became dramatically less interested in me.

No way.

Anyways, I will keep you in my daily prayers

alongside Devon.

Okay. We... we are nothing like that monster!

And we are rewriting our history today!

And this is way too many beads!

You look like a taxi cab seat cover. Come on.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, guys! Come on!

That took me all...

No, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I love the natural lighting in here.

It is just so warm and inviting, you know,

like being inside a glass of Chardonnay.

Three more months,

until I can have more than half a glass a day.

Oh, yeah.

I saw that this house

is just two blocks from Brookside Elementary School.

That's one of the top-rated schools in the city.

Honey, our kids could bike to school!

Mmhmm.

We're planning on having more.

Mm.

Are you planning on having kids?

- Of course. - We're not.

Oh. You, Laura... You don't want to have kids?

It's just like every mom I know is so miserable.

Not you though. You're gonna...

It's gonna be so fun.

Yes, of course I knew that about my wife.

She's just so focused on her lawyer... stuff.

All right, let's go this way, honey.

Okay, next, I'm gonna do a thing about my brother

and Hurricane Sandy and a raft.

Just go with it.

Yeah. For sure.

Hey, so when Laura says

that she doesn't want to have kids,

how does... how does Isabelle feel about that?

Isabelle hasn't really thought about it,

but I used to nanny these kids

and they do get you sick, like, all the time.

Cool.

It sounds like everything's still up for discussion,

so that's good.

Good.

What do you mean, 'good'?

Good. Like everything's still on the table.

Oh my God.

What do you mean by 'everything'?

Isabelle, you know what words mean.

I'm sorry. You're just, like, weirding me out right now.

The way you're trying to plan our future.

Well, do you ever think about the future?

Okay. Those Japanese robot toilets,

definitely a sign of things to come, but no.

Come on. Could we just put a pin in this

and go undercover some more?

No. Every time we start to talk about something serious,

you want to put a pin in it,

and we never circle back.

And I'm just... I'm running out of pins here.

Okay. How could I know what I want in the future?

It's the future.

Yeah, but I know

I want to have a house in the suburbs

with the mountains just a short drive away.

And I want a hypoallergenic dog

that I named after Frank,

who died saving my life on a kayaking trip.

And I want... kids.

Two girls and a boy, with a boy in the middle.

I want a little boy sandwich.

Oh my God.

Oh, no. Don't tell me you're leaving.

Unless you're running to the bank to open a home loan.

Oh, no, we're actually pre-approved.

But yeah, this house just isn't for us.

Not acceptable.

Sorry?

You'd have to be a true idiot to let this house go.

Are you true idiots?

No, it's just that the walls are super thin.

We heard everything Laura and Jeffrey were fighting about.

Who?

Going for a walk, Shred, Jeff! Don't follow me!

But did you hear that?

This neighborhood is very pedestrian friendly!

Walk score 67.

What? No way!

Everybody's just a walking.

Were we a bit mean to Rick?

Absolutely not.

Who do we call now?

I do have someone, but you're not gonna like it.

I don't care.

The office lore has jumped the precinct.

Even Rick heard about it, and he only has one ear.

It's Roman Park.

No. The sham of a dog trainer?

He doesn't have any money. He lives with his mom.

Oh, no. He... he leveled up.

What up my pack?

I'm celebrating my one millionth follower by offering the top--

He has a million followers?

He has two million followers. This post is a week old.

Don't sleep on this... woo, woo!

No, no, no, no, no...

So, are you ready to suck up to him or what?

Can't do it.

I can't grovel to that sentient garden gnome.

So, you want Frank-up

to become industry speak for I'm a selfish snob.

Why do great men have to face impossible choices?

I don't think you're one of the greats.

Do you think he'll even take our call?

Oh, for sure. Yeah.

He asks to see pictures of my feet, weekly.

And then he sends me pictures of his feet.

I cannot believe I'm stooping this low,

but I would give that hairless cat of a person

a billion pictures of your feet

to not be codified in office lore.

Okay, do... do not give anyone pictures of my feet.

- You... you brought it up. - Just to be clear.

Well, well, well...

Never thought I'd see you two again.

Just come on in.

Yeah.

It's a... shoes off.

I'm gonna leave my shoes on.

Okay.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Inside.

Inside. Just go inside.

Inside, inside.

Pretty sick place, huh?

Yep. Sick is right.

Can I interest everyone in some pear juice?

My gal can whip some up. I have a gal.

Theresa!

Maybe she fled the country.

No, she's around. Big house.

Theresa!!!

Oh, she's around the orchard. You know, so sit.

Oh.

Lovely.

So, what do I owe this inconvenience?

Actually, uh we need your...

Oh, this is tough.

I'm having bile come up in my throat.

We're looking for a financial partner in a kennel facility.

Bup, bup, bup...

I want to hear it from the big lug.

See if he can string a few words together.

Well, as you may recall from your attempted grift

of our facility.

Stand up, Frank. Is this a presentation or not?

Thought you wanted this to be at eye level.

Oh my God.

Okay.

The animals are in desperate need of

new kennels and access to fresh air.

So I assume you've already done the soil test on the land

underneath the new kennels.

Soil looks good to me.

Good enough to bury a body in.

Do you know what grade steel the kennels

will be constructed with?

I'm not going to lie to you. Yes.

I just forget.

Look, um...

we might not have all the right answers,

but you are asking all the right questions,

which is why we came to you, right?

Because you're so smart and so savvy.

Am I Frank?

Am I smart?

Yes.

And savvy.

Okay.

Say savvy.

Savvy.

Great. I'm interested.

I'll hear the real pitch from Emily.

We just got done telling you the pitch.

Ah, I just want to hear it from someone

who actually knows what they're talking about.

So, just bring her to me.

Well, Emily has the plans drawn up,

so I'm sure she could just email them to you.

♪ Bring her to me.

I'm going down for a nap. Stay here, 20 minutes.

Tick tock.

Hey.

Are you okay?

Oh.

I'm relieving you of toilet duty.

You're good to go.

Oh, great.

'Cause I...I didn't really know

what I was supposed to be looking for.

How did it, um... How did it go today?

Oh, you know, I don't know.

I was I was kind of distracted.

Me and Isabelle had a fight.

Yeah, I kind of heard.

The walls are pretty thin in this place.

Yeah, they gave us a deal on drywall,

and I'm pretty sure it's just styrofoam.

Mhm, yeah, probably.

Can I ask you a personal question?

Yeah. What are bosses for?

How did you know Rick wasn't the one?

Oh, um--

That's weird.

That's a weird question. I'm sorry.

No, no, no, no.

I think about it a lot, actually. Um, it's...

Well, the situation was kind of complicated.

Yeah. Say no more.

Your business.

- I mean. - We're leaving it there.

You know how relationships are.

Like, how did you know it was time

to break up with Camila?

Oh. Um...

Also complicated.

Ain't that how it is?

It is, ain't it?

Oh.

Oh. It's Frank.

Ooh. Frank.

Hey. What's up?

Wait. Really?

Oh my gosh.

Yes, yes.

No, no, yeah, of course I can be there right now.

I'll leave right now.

Okay, great.

Frank and Victoria,

think they found an investor for the kennel.

I have a second chance!

Why did I eat so many potatoes?

Just go! Go, go, go! You got it.

I'm not really ready, though.

I don't have any of my binders with me.

And all the turf samples are at the office.

You got this. You're prepared for anything.

Okay. Yeah.

I mean, I do have backup binders in my trunk,

and then I have Pepto in my glove box.

Yeah, okay! Thank you, Shred.

I'm just gonna just-- - Oh, sure.

for the road.

...And what you have before you

is our full, comprehensive plan.

As you can see,

with just a modest increase in the kennel space,

the number of animals we'll be able to save

is just staggering.

And I'll be able to sell my merch there?

Yeah.

I'm in.

Wha... you're... you're in?

You have a deal.

Frank, were you listening?

Now, this is how you make a presentation.

Oh, my gosh!

Roman, you don't know how much this means to me.

I don't.

Thank you! Thank you!

Okay.

You guys!

That was amazing.

Why do you smell like potatoes?

I ate four.

What a day! I just...

I can't believe you guys made this happen.

And what a story this will make.

The bards of office history shall sing of this day!

What?

This will be fun, Frank.

I'm excited to get to spend a lot more time with you.

It feels like a water balloon.

I'm missing bones.

Assistance needed.

I hate to see her like this.

I love Emily,

but how do you mess up guarding a toilet?

This house is cursed. We're never gonna unload it.

I needed that extra money.

Me too.

Why did you need it?

Stupid dream, it's stupid.

All dreams are stupid.

I've always wanted to visit

all 32 major league baseball stadiums in one season.

That dream's not stupid. That's fun.

But I'm sorry, that's not going to happen.

Oh, no. I got, like,

20 side hustles in play right now.

I just need one of them to hit.

Excuse me. Are you the realtors?

Because this place is amazing.

Uh, yes. Yes, we are.

And we'd be delighted to tell you about it.

Oh, our toilet is excited too.

Won't you join us in the kitchen?

Join us in the kitchen.

Yeah!

Malfunction.

Hey.

Hi.

So, uh, did Laura

completely blow things up with Jeffrey?

No.

Uh, Jeffrey's sorry things got so out of hand.

Laura is realizing that she's never actually

considered the future because she's never had a reason to.

Well, uh, do you have a reason to now?

Maybe.

I am talking to Isabelle and not Laura, right?

No. It's Julie.

Okay. I can't do another character.

No, no, no, no, Julie's my first name.

Isabelle's my middle.

I started going by it in my 20s for tax purposes.

What?

Yeah.

There's still so much we need to learn about each other.

I know.

For instance, my name is not actually Shred, so.

I knew that.

Yeah.

Everyone! Barbecue in the courtyard.

We rewrote history so we deserve victory bison.

Wait. What did you buy?

I told you to get turkey burgers.

I know, Bison's manlier

and goes better with rosemary aioli.

What do you guys think?

I got a hard hat for the groundbreaking.

- It's riding pretty high. - Oh.

Here, I think you can actually adjust it like that.

Oh, that's what that's for.

You had to test out the new crossbow, Devon.

Hell of a shot, though.

Wiped out a whole freaking species of fruit bats.

Yeah, that's way worse than what we did.