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♪♪

♪♪♪♪

-This tiny young man here
is Dick Cavett.

-I can't believe
that he's here now.

I can't believe
that I know Groucho Marx.

I can't believe that there is
a Groucho Marx.

-Either he's dead or my watch
has stopped.

-And here he is,
the one, the only...

-Groucho!
-Groucho!

-My dad would not let
anybody talk in the house

when Groucho's quiz show was on.

Isn't he cute?

-Well, of course I became
a huge Marx Brothers fan.

♪♪

Never dared to dream
I'd meet him.

Is that a good cigar?

-Not very, but I wouldn't waste
a good cigar on the show.

I don't know any comedian
who hasn't been influenced

or thrilled, at least,
by the slouch, the famous leer,

and humor of my next guest.

Groucho was worshipped and
adored by very literate people,

and yet everybody could laugh
at Groucho.

Your churlish attitude
reminds me of the time

I was having dinner with Groucho
and --

-Look, you're gonna be having
dinner with Groucho tonight

if you don't beat it.

-Is there anyone
you haven't insulted, Groucho?

-Very few people.

I plan on you
before the evening's over.

-My guest list tonight,
in alphabetical order,

is Groucho Marx.

-The average grown-up person

shouldn't have to wear a hat
with three balls on it.

-You know who's on here
tomorrow night?

-I haven't the faintest idea,
and I care less.

♪♪

People have asked me,
"How and when

did you meet Groucho Marx,
for God's sake?"

And other people have said,

"You and Woody Allen
have been friends for years.

When did you meet him?"

But I met Woody
one day before I met Groucho.

We lamented the fact
that his hero and one of mine

and Groucho's god,
George S. Kaufman, had died.

And his funeral was
the next day,

and I said,
"Why don't we go to the funeral?

And he said, "Sure."

Typically Woody, he did not.

But I didn't know
enough about him then

to not be startled by that.

A Who's Who was there
of probably everyone

that was ever caricatured
by Al Hirschfeld.

I recognized many of them
from his great caricatures,

and I looked across,
and there's Groucho...Marx

right across from me.

And I kvelled --
I think is the proper term.

And then everybody started out,

and I didn't want to lose track
of Groucho.

He went out a side door
with the mob.

And I suddenly heard a voice
say, "Hello, Groucho.

I'm Edna Ferber."

And I thought, "We aren't
in Nebraska anymore, Toto."

I hurried to the corner
and said,

one of my most original things,
if I may brag a little.

I said, "Hello, Groucho.
I'm a big fan of yours."

And Groucho said,

"Well, if it gets any hotter,
I could use a big fan."

And we started walking downtown.
He was staying at the Plaza.

And on the way, Groucho insulted
every doorman who was visible.

So I just thought,
"Well, the gods have allowed me

to meet Groucho."

We're at 59th now.
There the Plaza.

He's going to lunch.

And then the dream began.

He said, in the voice
from his game show,

"Well, you certainly seem like
a nice young man,

and I'd like you to have lunch
with me."

I don't want to get
too reverent,

because he sort of invented
irreverence on the screen.

Will you welcome
one of the landmarks of comedy,

a great man,
the incomparable Groucho Marx.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Hello ♪

♪ I must be going ♪

♪ I cannot stay ♪

♪ I came to say
I must be going ♪

♪ I'm glad I came, but just
the same I must be going ♪

♪♪

-Have a seat.

We had our meal,
I pinching myself repeatedly.

And I just thought --
There was a strange thing I did

that I've always been
kind of ashamed of,

'cause I wanted to impress
Groucho any way I could.

And I was about to get to,

"You know, I'm not just a guy
off the street.

I write for Jack Paar."

-Did you ever tell them
about the first time

you were on the air with me?

-I never have, and you know --
-Well, tell them.

-Do you want to hear it?
-Yeah.

-Well, but I never get you here,
and I'm gonna --

-I've got to work you in somehow
on the show.

-You had a German girl on

who was a defectee
from East Berlin

who had won
the Miss Universe contest.

-Beautiful girl.
-Absolutely stunning.

-We have a young fella who works
on the show booking talent,

and his name is Dick Cavett,

and he's a Yale graduate,
and he speaks German.

Doesn't make
a great deal of money.

Just joined us
a couple of months ago.

Dick, would you come out?

Take your time.

I think you are
one of the most beautiful women

I have ever seen.

Und translaten.

It's scary out here.

I'm going back to Yale
and get my money back.

-He did this interview
in German.

I asked the questions, and he
interpreted, and back and forth.

And he was getting laughs
all along -- in German.

How can you get laughs
in German?

Um...

Oh, yeah.

She was...

This may be the end
of the Yale German department.

-One more laugh,
it's gonna be the end of you.

-Paar was certainly
one of the strangest, oddest,

neurotic, brilliant comic minds

of anybody
I've ever worked with.

I adored him.

I don't think I ever missed

one of the late-night
Jack Paar "Tonight Show"s.

Groucho had been on it
numerous times,

and I made a point
of seeing them all.

Jack's neurosis would strike
surprisingly sometimes.

And one night
when Groucho was on,

backstage, Jack said,
"Oh, God. Groucho Marx again.

You know, he pushes it
all the time,

and he'll say, 'Hello, Paar.
Are you above par or below par?'

And I -- Oh, God."

You didn't get paid once
on "The Jack Paar Show."

I remember you coming on
and exacting money from him.

-That's true.
That was extortion, really.

Because I had flopped
that night,

but I still thought
I should get paid.

The mere fact
that you are not a sensation

every time you appear
has nothing to do

with the shoddy sum
that you're supposed to get.

When Jack Paar left
"The Tonight Show,"

it caused great turmoil
in the country.

He had such devoted fans.

The network was desperate
because Johnny couldn't join it

until several months later

because of some other
contract thing.

Didn't know what to do.

Somebody said, "How about
a stock company of hosts?

We'll get everybody

we think could possibly host
'The Tonight Show.'"

I entered a minority
that I was glad to be part of.

I became the Groucho Marx writer
for a week.

It's "The Tonight Show,"

from New York, with guest-star
host Groucho Marx.

You took your work down
to the star's office

and laid it on his desk,

hoped he didn't read anything
that you could cringe at

while you were still
in the office.

-And now here's the star
of our show, Groucho Marx!

-I hesitantly laid my stuff
in front of Groucho and left.

And in Groucho's monologue
that night,

I wondered if he would use
anythingI wrote.

-You notice the only ones
who are applauding are the crew.

In vaudeville,
when I came onstage,

the audience used to rise
as one man.

And many times,
the audience was one man.

-And he did three or four things
that other people had written

or things from his past.

-You know, it's very difficult
to get into this show.

I asked one man how he got in.

He said,
"On my brother's ticket."

And I asked,
"Where is your brother?"

And he said, "Well, he's outside
looking for his ticket."

-And then he seemed to be
slowing down,

and he felt he was.

And then he said...

-But enough of this bridled
hilarity.

-And that was one
of my insert lines.

And I knew a lot of comics
wouldn't do it.

♪ Ever since songwriters
started writing songs ♪

♪ They have written songs
about a rose ♪

♪ Red roses, blue roses,
old roses, new roses ♪

♪ Roses from the north
and south and west ♪

♪ But here's the rose song
that I love the best ♪

♪ We love the best ♪

-If you knew
how awful that sounded.

You sound almost as bad
as I do.

♪ Show me a rose and I'll
show you a girl who cares ♪

♪ Show me a rose ♪

♪ Or leave me alone ♪

♪ Show me a rose and I'll
show you a stag at bay ♪

♪ Show me a rose
or leave me alone ♪

♪ She taught me
how to do the tango ♪

♪ Down where
the palm trees sway ♪

♪ I called her Rose-a-mir ♪

♪ And she called a spade
a spade ♪

♪ Show me a rose and I'll
show you a storm at sea ♪

♪ Show me a rose
or leave me alone ♪

♪ One night in Bixby,
Mississippi ♪

♪ We watched the clouds
roll by ♪

♪ I said,
"My dear, how are you?" ♪

♪ And she whispered,
"So am I" ♪

♪ Show me a rose, and I'll
show you a girl named Sam ♪

♪ Show me a rose
or leave me alone ♪

♪ Show me a rose ♪

♪ Show me a rose ♪

♪ A fragrant rose ♪

♪ A fragrant rose ♪

♪ Make believe
that you don't know me ♪

♪ Until you show me ♪

♪ A rose ♪

-I'm in the office with Groucho
with two of my fellow writers,

and there's an hour or so
before the show.

So we're chatting, and the phone
rang, and he picked it up.

And he said, "Yeah.
Oh, right.

No, I'm in my office here
on 'The Tonight Show.'

Yeah. I've got
three Shakespeares with me."

That was the first time I heard
writers referred to as that.

Another time, the phone rang,
and he said, "Yeah. Who is it?

Oh, yeah.
Hello.

Okay. Can I call you back?
What room are you in?

485? Huh.
Sounds like a cannibal story."

♪♪

We were quite nervous,
because who wants Groucho Marx

to say, "I can't use
any of this crap"?

Which some comics will do.

One day, I'm in front
of Groucho's desk

with two other writers --
"Tonight Show" --

and he looks at something
on the page,

and he seems to rather like it.

I said, "Can I ask
what you're looking at?"

And he said, "Yeah.
It's a funny line."

I don't remember what it was.

"But, um, it needs
a 'soitenly.'"

And we all went, "What?"

"It needs a 'soitenly'" --

Groucho's pronunciation
of "certainly."

As in, "You certainly
could have fooled me," you know?

And he said -- He was right.

The rhythm of the line
needed that -- just that.

People quoting Groucho
will take out the "certainlies"

and kill the line.

As in, "And then Groucho said,

'Well, gee,
you could've fooled me.'"

What Groucho had said was,

"Well, you certainly
could've fooled me."

So that was interesting,
Groucho editing you.

-Groucho was sort of fearless
with jokes.

In other words,
if somebody said a straight line

that fit a joke
that Groucho would hit you with,

if they threw that straight line
at him 10 times that day,

he would do the same joke, see?

Like Sophie Tucker
used to sing a song --

"If you can't see Mama
every night,

you can't see Mama at all."

That was a song.

Now, every time I ordered
sea bass, Groucho would say,

"If you can't see bass
every night,

you can't see bass at all."

That's not the world's
greatest joke.

-Not his finest work.

-I don't think anybody
ever stole it, you know?

But he said it.

"If you can't see bass
every night,

you can't see Mama at all."

Well, after 15 or 16 years,
I got tired of that lousy joke.

-Maybe 12 would be enough.
-Yeah. You know.

So there was bass on the menu
one day,

and I was sitting
next to Groucho.

I didn't want to hear "If you
can't see bass every night."

So I got up,
and I whispered to the waiter.

I says,
"Bring me some sea bass."

And the waiter whispered back,

"If you can't see bass
every night."

No.

-Seriously, folks --

You know that I was responsible
for that line?

I mean the juxtaposition
of those two words --

"Seriously, folks."

Because it used to be
that when a comedian was dying,

he'd say something
that he thought was very funny

and the audience didn't laugh.

And then he didn't know
quite how to extricate himself

from this dilemma.

And he would say,
"Well, seriously, folks,"

as though he had just had
a tremendous laugh

on that preceding...

I started saying it
all the time,

and now I see all the comics
say it.

Fortunately,
I've retired from show business,

so I don't care.

Interviewers will sometimes
ask me,

"When you're writing
for somebody else,

don't you hate it
when they get the big laugh?"

I didn't feel that very much,

and it never occurred
to me that,

"Why is he standing out there
in front of this audience

and not me?"

But something very similar to it
began to happen to me.

I remembered that I knew how to
stand up in front of an audience

as a kid magician,

and I wonder if I might become
a stand-up comic.

-We proudly present comic
Dick Cavett.

-Thank you.
Oh, boy.

I barely got here
before the applause ended.

-About to join us now is a young
fella who used to be my writer

on the afternoon
"Merv Griffin Show."

We were on NBC.

And he was the least likely
of all the people

who worked on that show
to ever be a performer.

-I got on television.
As they say, I was making noise.

-And he is very quiet and shy,

but he used to turn in
awful funny stuff.

And after he left,
he went on to write

for Jerry Lewis
and Groucho Marx.

And just as of three weeks ago,
up until three weeks ago,

he's been with Johnny Carson
on "The Tonight Show."

-They had checked
with "The Tonight Show,"

saying,
"You ought to have him on."

And whoever it was on the staff
of "The Tonight Show" said no.

-He's been very successful.

All the New York papers

have been writing about
this bright young comedian.

So would you all welcome
Dick Cavett?

-And I did four or five

really good "Merv Griffin Show"
appearances.

I always mention Nebraska
right after Yale

because I found that if you
just say you went to Yale,

right away, a lot of people
hate you, you know?

But when you let them know
you come from Nebraska,

it seems to get
their sympathy back.

Yeah.

-A letter came,
and it seemed to say,

as my vision swam,
return name -- Groucho Marx.

"Caught you on 'The Merv Griffin
Show' last night" --

and I got that old feeling.

"I think you've struck
a mother lode

with your premise of a rube
or hayseed at Yale.

Mind that," he said.

And I did,
and it was a big help.

Anyway, I had a terrible time
with clothes.

I remember one thing --
the worst thing --

my entire freshman year,
not knowing any better,

I wore brown and white shoes.

Can you imagine?
I just didn't know any better.

For one thing,
that isn't practical

because the white one
kept getting dirty.

-You stay here
and paralyze this audience.

Don't make them laugh.
Just paralyze them.

-Do you think we have them
in the palm of our hand?

-I think so, yes.
-Okay. Thank you, Groucho.

-It was nice knowing you.
-Right.

1967 was the year,

and something from the gods
landed in my lap.

"Groucho Marx is doing
a special, prime time,

and he has asked for you to be
one of the guest entertainers."

There was a point
where we taped...

♪ Hooray for Captain Spaulding
the African explorer ♪

And I had seen it in a movie,
of course, with the brothers,

but I never thought I would be
one of the people

backing up Groucho Marx
doing that song.

Tell me, Captain, did you take
any pictures on your trip?

-Yes. We took some pictures
of the native girls,

but unfortunately
they weren't developed.

But I haven't given up hope.

I'm -- I'm going back
in a couple of years.

♪ Hooray for Captain Spaulding
the African explorer ♪

♪ He brought his name
undying fame ♪

♪ And that is why we say
hooray ♪

♪ Hooray, hooray! ♪

-The fun of it, of course,
was being around Groucho,

where he would ad lib things
not for the air.

So you felt like,
"I'm only one of six people

who will ever hear this."

Thank you. Thank you.

You know, it seems odd for me
to up here doing jokes,

because I used to write
for comedians.

That's how I started out.

I wrote for a lot of famous
comedians briefly.

But I was fired several times.

And once I was fired
in California.

There were no jobs.
Starving.

And I had a brilliant idea,
and it worked.

I wrote little dirty remarks
and sold them to children

who wanted to get
on the Art Linkletter show.

It was a rather short time
between writing monologue jokes

for Groucho Marx
on "The Tonight Show"

to standing in a big-time
television studio

being introduced
by Groucho Marx.

-A very funny young man.

-When you have a career
of this kind,

you will find that
one of the pleasures of it

is having a show and introducing
your heroes on the air.

Good evening.
I'm Dick Cavett.

♪♪

I have not really ever done
this kind of show before.

Groucho was on my show
almost immediately.

Groucho, we're back on the air,
so we can't say

some of the things we were
saying during the commercials.

This is true.

This is an unseen audience.

You never see anybody here.
-It's very weird.

They think we can see them,
but we're blinded by the lights.

And if you look very closely,

you can make out glasses
and eyebrows.

Can you make out anything
in the balcony?

-Well, I could if I saw
how old she was.

I played this dump 40 years ago.

This is true.

There was the Palace,
the Riverside, and the Colonial.

And this was considered
the toughest audience

in the United States on the
United Booking Office circuit.

-Hasn't changed a bit, then,
has it?

-Yes, it has, somewhat.

No. They used to drop furniture
from the second balcony.

Don't give them ideas.

-There were a lot of acts
that wouldn't play here

because they would shout
at the actors on the stage here.

A lot of people
wouldn't play here.

In addition to that,
it was a cut week.

I mean if you got $1,500
for your act at the Palace,

you'd get $1,200 here.

That's because they hit you
with chairs.

They needed the extra $300

for loose furniture
to throw at the acts.

Most talk shows,
whatever coast they were on,

they would do two weeks
on the other coast.

Well, I went west,
to California.

Had Groucho on
for the second time.

The only unfortunate part
of that show

is that he had acquired a wig

that looked like a dead crow
lying sideways on his head.

I couldn't help noticing
your hat,

which you've won
more than once here.

-I wear them
because there was a time

where the hair was receding
so swiftly

and I wore a toupee.

And I saw myself on the show
once wearing a toupee.

It was ridiculous.

Just a big, greasy-looking
smooth spot up there.

There's no point to that.

So I use this hat, actually,
to play golf.

-That dreadful wig
was from the movie "Skidoo,"

and he was gifted with the wig
when that movie finished.

Because it's Groucho,
you get used to it

and it doesn't bother you
after a while.

-What are you doing
out here on the coast?

-I thought you'd never ask.

Some people don't know that
you're making a movie again.

Groucho Marx has returned
to film.

-Yeah, I went to a movie theater
the other day.

No, actually,
I did play a small part

in that darling of the
movie industry, Mr. Preminger.

Mm-hmm.

-He's a second cousin to Hitler.

But actually, he's a nice fella.

But he has a kind of a distaste
for humanity that I...

No.
I'm all for that.

I don't think there are enough
people who hate.

Everybody is too nice, I think.

Except me.
And Preminger.

And Hitler if he's still around.

-The network had erased
that show

and quite a few others
before they were caught by us.

But Frank Buxton,
an old friend of mine,

television personality

and television director
of the top series on the air,

had been on it and had
video-reel-to-reel-taped it.

So it survives.

-You know I haven't been paid
for the last show I did here?

I was just thinking of it
while I was outside here.

Do you ever pay on this show?

-How can I apologize for that?

-Well, you can give me
the money.

-I hadn't thought of that.
-Seems very simple to me.

-Groucho loved to disrupt.

When he would walk on a show,

he would go off
to the other side or something.

Will you welcome the one,
the only...

♪♪

♪ A mother was chasing her boy
'round the room ♪

♪ She was chasing her boy
'round the room ♪

♪ 'Round the room ♪

-It's like Yiddish at church
here.

♪ And while she was chasing
her boy 'round the room ♪

♪ She was chasing her boy
'round the room ♪

♪ Oh, Jenny dear ♪

-He loved to sing.

He would sing
at the drop of a hat.

How's that
for an original expression?

-All the songs that are written
over the years in show business

are invariably about women,
mothers.

You know, there's "Does Your
Mother Come From Ireland?"

"My Mother's Eyes,"
which Jessel wrote,

"'M' Is for the Million Things
She Gave Me,"

"My Yiddishe Momme," "Mama,"
"Mother Machree,"

"Mammy" -- all those songs.

And they neglect fathers.
They do.

In this country,
the father is nothing.

He's a jerk.

In most homes --

There he goes now.

You know, there's only two songs
that I can recall --

three, actually.

Mary Martin one sang a song

called "My Heart Belongs
to Daddy."

That was a kind
of a sexual song.

-Really? Incestuous?
-Yes, it was.

-Not incestuous, no.
Just sexual.

And then there was a song called
"Pop Goes the Weasel."

That's a great song
about fathers.

Then there was one called
"Everybody Works But Father,"

which was a big hit.

And I'm gonna sing you
a chorus of that in English.

And if you like it,
I'll sing it again in German,

because this song
went all over the world --

all over Europe, anyhow.

And this song went...

♪ Everybody works but Father ♪

♪ He sits around all day ♪

♪ Feet in front
of the fireplace ♪

♪ Smoking his pipe of clay ♪

♪ Mother takes in washing ♪

♪ So does sister Ann ♪

♪ Everybody works in our house
but my old man ♪

Now, that was a big hit.
It was --

-Was that in the hit parade?

-It wasn't in the hit parade,
no.

And then, in German,
it goes this way.

♪ Alle schaffen,
aber nicht Vater ♪

♪ Er geht der ganze Tag herum ♪

♪ Und raucht
'ne verdammte Pfeife ♪

♪ Das alles geht druber
und drum ♪

♪ Und Mutter nimmt
den Vasching ♪

♪ Und auch die Schwester Ann ♪

♪ Alle arbeiten
in unser Platz ♪

♪ Aber nicht der alter Mann ♪

So Harry Ruby,
who by a strange coincidence,

happens to be down front here
in the front.

Stand up, Harry,
and turn around, will you?

-Harry Ruby.

-Turn around!

You might as well meet
my beautiful wife and daughter.

Stand up and turn around.
Come on.

You wouldn't think with a family
like that that I would cheat,

would you?

-Oh. Uh...

-I want to tell you,
now that I've given you the --

Already a commercial?

On my show, we used to --

-You don't pay attention
to everything you read, do you?

Once we were running down
to the end of a segment

and I said to the stage manager,
"Are we in trouble?"

-I'm gonna sing a song
that Harry Ruby --

-Oh. Will we be in bad trouble
if he does?

-Yeah.

-Groucho, can I --
-I'm always in bad trouble.

-Because hesaid it
in the Groucho Marx voice

that we are conditioned
to laugh at

whether it was a joke or not,
you laughed.

We're back.

-First stage manager I ever saw
that could count up to 10.

I thought you did that
very well.

-He can do it backwards
and forwards.

-Yes, I imagine he could.

-It's the tone of your voice

that does something
to things you say.

He loved to break the mold,
and it was always, always funny.

-What are we gonna talk about
for the next three days?

-You took a very circuitous
route getting here.

You went all around the camera,
bothered the cameraman and...

-I try to delay seeing you
as long as possible.

Oh, I see.

His judgment of how to do that
was perfect.

♪ Today, Father,
is Father's Day ♪

♪ And we're giving you a tie ♪

♪ It's not much, you know ♪

♪ It is just our way
of showing you ♪

♪ We think
you're a regular guy ♪

♪ You say that it was nice
of us to bother ♪

♪ But it really was a pleasure
to fuss ♪

♪ For, according to our mother,
you're our father ♪

♪ And that's good enough
for us ♪

Isn't that a beautiful melody?

-That's lovely.
-And a beautiful sentiment.

"Today, Father,
is Father's Day."

Sixteen men in that orchestra.

Nine of them
are illegitimate children.

♪♪

-How dare you?

-Nine and a half,
including the director here.

♪ The tie that you got
didn't cost such a lot ♪

♪ And we'll give you
the same tie next year ♪

♪ You tell us it was nice of us
to bother ♪

♪ But it really was a pleasure
to fuss ♪

♪ For they say a child
can only have one father ♪

♪ And you are the one for us ♪

♪ Yes, you are the one ♪

-♪ For us ♪
-♪ For us ♪

-On the air and off,
it began to dawn on me

that not only did I know
Groucho Marx,

but from his letters and
phone calls and being with him,

I realized that he had
a real affection for me.

In fact, on one show,

I love the part where he
walks on and just embraces me.

One of the writers at the
roundtable at the country club,

when Groucho went
to the bathroom, said,

"You know,
Groucho really adores you."

And I thought, "I am gonna cry
all over this place."

I have to do what we call
a lead-out to this commercial.

Or would you like to read it?

-Armour bacon --
You get a little more

because it shrinks
a little less.

How was that reading?

-That was good.

-You know, they may fire you

and put me up here
just to read the commercials?

-You ever get tired
of people copying you?

There are many
script directions --

You'll see "Read like Groucho"
or "à la or Groucho."

And, you know, it's a style.

It's an individual,
definite style.

I regard it as flattering
when people do that.

I must tell you one line.

The first show I was in was
called "A Man of her Choice."

It was a melodrama.
-Yeah.

-And in the end of the first
act, there were some papers.

They were very important papers,

and the villain had gone
to visit her in the hospital,

the leading girl.

And just as -- He picks up
the papers from under the pillow

and he starts to leave,
and I walk on.

I was 15 then.

And I pull out a gun and I say,
"Stop.

Move one step, and I'll blow you
to smithereens.

And the curtain came down.

That's all there is to it.
It's nothing funny.

It was tragic.

I was getting $6 a week
in this show.

-Weren't you tempted to get
a laugh with the line

or do something silly?
-No. I didn't know it was funny.

It wasn't.
It was funny to the audience.

To me, I was sincere.

-Groucho complained once.

He said, "You know,
I can't insult anybody anymore."

And I said, "How do you mean?"
and he said,

"Whatever I say,
they laugh at it."

I was in a restaurant
in California having lunch,

and a couple of walked over.

And the guy said,

"Hey, Groucho, say something
insulting to my wife."

Groucho said,
"With a wife like that,

you should be able to think
of your own insults."

You know, Groucho, when I see
the Marx Brothers films --

They come
to the New Yorker Theater,

and on weekends,
there are lines around the block

every time they play there.

And I often wondered
if they were ever censored

in those days.

-Well, when we made
"Night at the Opera" --

that was in 1935 --

I had the most innocuous line
in that thing that you --

You know, today I understand
there's a play on Broadway

where five men come out naked.

-That's true.
-This is true.

It's called "Hair"?
Is that the name of it?

-Yeah.
-Is it "Hair"?

-That's certainly
a most appropriate name

for a play like that.

-Oh.

-No.

It shows how the morality
of the country --

I guess the whole world --
has changed.

Today there isn't anything
you can't say on the stage.

The Palace Theater --

and this applies
to this one too --

where the electrician's
switchboard is,

they used to have a sign.

It was in every one
of the first-class theaters.

"Anyone using the words 'hell'
or 'damn'

will be discharged
from the show."

Now, imagine they should go
and see that show

with these five fellas in it.

Have you heard about this show?

-Yes, I have.

-I was going to go,
but I saw myself

in the mirror one morning...

...and I figured, "Why waste
five and a half dollars?"

Now, when you see people
walking around naked

in the audience
and on the stage,

it's a whole different kind
of world that moved in.

I don't belong in this world,
really.

I'm an incongruity.

-He was talking about
the structure of jokes,

and he said vaudeville jokes
were often interesting

and complex
in their construction.

Here's an example
of a well-constructed joke.

-An actor was playing
in vaudeville in a small town,

and he got laryngitis.

And he's looking for a doctor.
He didn't know anybody.

He walks along the suburbs
of this little town,

and he finally comes
to a cottage.

And there's a sign outside.

It says Dr. Smith or Brown
or something.

And he can't talk very well,
and he rings the bell,

and a very pretty woman
comes to the door,

who is the wife of the doctor.

And she opens the door,
and he says...

"Is the doctor in?"

And she says, "No. Come on in."

-Of the many times
that Groucho was on my show,

there's one show we kind of
referred to as the golden one.

It was his third time
on the show.

You were telling me
the other day

a lady flirted with you,
I think, in your hotel elevator.

-Frequently, yeah.
-Yeah.

-I had one come up to me
the other day

and say,
"Aren't you Groucho Marx?"

And I says, "Yes."

She says, "May I kiss you?"
I says, "Feel free."

I was feeling free
at the same time.

She invited me up to her room,
but I didn't want to go.

She was an old babe.
She was around 24 or something.

-Oh, yes. That can be dangerous.
-Yeah.

In the Plaza Hotel once,
when I was doing the quiz show,

there was a priest
in the elevator.

I hope you're not offended
by this,

because I would tell a story
about a rabbi,

but it doesn't fit.

Neither did the rabbi,

and they finally threw him out
of the synagogue.

But what happened?

-Anyhow, this priest said
to me --

He says,
"Aren't you Groucho Marx?"

And I says, "Yes.
He says, "Gee."

My mother's crazy about you."

And I said says, "Really?

I didn't know you fathers
had mothers."

-Well, that's a...

It was in prime time.

ABC had a funny schedule then
of putting me on --

I think it was Monday,
Thursday, and Friday

or some crazy schedule
like that.

And other things were on
the other two days.

In fact, when Groucho came on,
I said,

"You need a secretary to know
when this show is on."

-How have you been?
-Good. I've been fine.

It's nice to see you
in New York.

-You look fine.
I'm glad you're back on the air.

And the proper time, too.

-Yeah.
-Not at 4:00 in the morning.

-Groucho pointed out
that in those days,

my show was seen, at his home
in California, in the morning.

-Whenever I saw your show
last year, I was eating oatmeal.

That's what they called
prime time in California.

That isn't all they called it,
either.

Well, you look fine, and
this show's gonna be a big hit

because you're on
at 10:00 at night.

A lot of people
are gonna watch it.

I'm on at 9:00 Central time.

-Well, I-I wouldn't go that far.

I would go from here
to Ossining.

-Would you?
-That's as far as I would go.

Do you know anything
about Ossining?

-Not a thing.

If you asked me about Ossining,
I would be stumped.

-How long
since you've been stumped?

I don't know.

-Groucho was hot from
the first moment to the end.

He was nostalgic
in a fascinating way.

It's odd to see you in New York.
You're usually in Cal--

-It's hard to see me?
-No. Odd to see you in New York.

-Oh, yes. I don't come here
very often anymore.

This is my birthplace.

I was born on 78th Street,
between Lexington and Third.

And then we moved
to 93rd Street,

and I lived there
for about 14 years.

-Mm-hmm.
I was there the other day.

They're tearing down
part of your old neighborhood.

-This is not just a coincidence,
you know.

-You couldn't say anything
to him or about him on that show

that he didn't get a laugh off
some way.

Do you find it hard to be funny
at any certain time of day?

-No, not if you get
a glorious audience like this.

No. I can I can be funny
most of the time.

-When you made films, you had to
get up very, very early.

-Yes. That's why I objected
to making them.

I made 18, 19 pictures.

I mean -- I don't mean that was
the year we made them, 1819.

-Talking to my dad while I'm in
maybe junior high school

out in Nebraska,

and I had just learned
of the Marx Brothers,

and I'd read a book about them.

I asked my dad if he knew
who they were, of course.

And he said yes.
He said he loved them.

And then he told me more about
who the Marx Brothers were,

and he said there was one
called Zeppo.

So we fade to black, and many
years later, I'm doing the show,

and I thought it would be
kind of a show-biz coup

to get Zeppo Marx on the show.

And somebody said,
"Oh, yes, you must.

Zeppo will tell you --

He has stories that nobody knows
about the Marx Brothers."

And my mouth watered.

And I called him,
and I got him in Las Vegas.

"Is this Zeppo Marx?"

And an ordinary sounding voice
said, "Yes."

And I said,
"This is Dick Cavett,

and I'd love to have you
on the show."

And he'd say,
"Well, I'd do it for $5,000."

And I tried to laugh.

Maybe I did.

Zeppo said over the phone,

"Well, I've got
a wonderful life here, you know?

I have just about anything
I could want.

Wouldn't I have to be
out of my mind to leave it

and take a schlep
to New York City?"

And I said, "We would sure love
to have you."

But he never did it.

And we were stupid
not to pay it.

Groucho used to say,
"In our act, when we had Zeppo,

we were worth a million dollars,

and without him,
we were worth $2 million."

Which brother were you
the closest to?

-I think Gummo.
We roomed together.

-Some people, you know,
don't know there is a Gummo.

-They know --
-He doesn't know.

-Chico got most of the ladies.
-Chico got most of the girls.

Yes, he always --
-Yeah.

-When he played the piano --

and he had kind of
a flirtatious look on his face.

And the dames -- he'd fall down.

That's all.

They were so crazy about him.

And it took the rest of us
four or five weeks

what Chico would do
in two nights.

He had an enormous amount
of charm for women.

-Yeah, they say he was just
fatal to women.

-Yes, he was.
-Yeah.

-He was fatal
to a number of them, too.

And I always envied him

because it always took me
a long time to get a girl.

I had a very close friend
who was getting married,

and they gave him
a bachelor party

when we were playing
on our first Broadway show

called "I'll Say She Is."

And we went through
with the show around 11:00.

So Harpo and I, who were close
friends of the groom,

had decided then to go
to Keens chophouse

and surprise everybody there,
which we proceeded to do.

We got in the elevator,

which was a tiny elevator
on that building,

and they have
no elevator boy around.

You get on the elevator,
and you run it yourself.

So Harpo and I
got in the elevator,

and we each had a suitcase
and straw hats.

This was in the summer.

And we got in the elevator,
and we we locked it.

And we took off all our clothes,

and we put them in these
two respective suitcases.

Now, the bachelor party
was on the fourth floor.

And we got to the fourth floor.

We stopped the elevator
and swung the door open,

and we stepped out there
stark naked

with straw hats
and the suitcases.

Unfortunately,
we were on the wrong floor.

-My best friend in that family
was Harpo.

See, Harpo and I
were very close.

People talk about Harpo
as if you were a saint.

-He was.
-He was certainly the nicest.

He was the nicest man I ever met
in my life.

-Yeah.
-He was a doll.

Harpo was a kind, nice,
darling man.

He was -- four lovely children,
four adopted children.

-Yeah.
-And I one said to Harpo,

"How many kids
are you going to adopt?"

He says, "As many windows
as I have in my house.

So when Susan and I leave,

I want a kid in each window
to wave to us."

-Oh, that's lovely.
-Huh?

Nice, huh?
-Yeah.

How do you feel about singing?

-Singing?
-Yeah.

-You mean me or other people?
-Well, yes.

Your own or other people.

I'm not crazy
about other people's.

I like a few singers.

-I thought it might entice you
because you have

so many great song --
-I love to sing, really.

-Yeah.

-What do you want me to sing?
"Lydia"?

-"Lydia" would be great.
"Lydia" would be best.

-Then I have to drop the cigar
until I come back.

And keep your filthy hands
off it.

Alright. I'm not used to this.

Wait a minute.

Tell them what it is.

This is a song from a picture
called "A Day At The Circus,"

which we did at MGM.

And I sang this
in a Pullman car, but --

Why are you applauding
a Pullman car?

There aren't any more
Pullman cars.

-Groucho was a devotee
of Gilbert and Sullivan.

Every week, we would have dinner
at Groucho's house,

and he'd put on about 12 or 14
of us screenwriters and so on,

and he'd put on one of
Gilbert and Sullivan's records

and sing along with it.

So I knew he loved words
and fast-rhyming things.

I had this job to do for Metro,

and he was a barker
in the circus.

Why, I thought
of some Gilbertian way

of doing a circus thing for him,
and "Lydia" came out.

Of course, it had his type
of humor and impertinence.

♪ Oh, Lydia, oh, Lydia ♪

♪ Say, have you met Lydia? ♪

♪ Lydia the tattooed lady ♪

♪ She has eyes
that men adore so ♪

♪ And a torso even more so ♪

♪ Lydia, oh! Lydia,
that encyclopedia ♪

♪ Oh, Lydia,
the queen of tattoo ♪

♪ On her back
is the battle of Waterloo ♪

♪ Beside it, the wreck
of the Hesperus, too ♪

♪ And proudly above waves,
the red, white, and blue ♪

♪ You can learn a lot
from Lydia ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ When her robe is unfurled,
she will show you the world ♪

♪ If you step up
and tell her where ♪

♪ For a dime, you can see
Kankakee or Paris ♪

♪ Or Washington crossing
the Delaware ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪♪

♪ Oh, Lydia, oh, Lydia ♪

♪ Say, have you met Lydia? ♪

♪ Oh, Lydia,
the tattooed lady ♪

♪ When her muscles
start relaxin' ♪

♪ Up the hill
comes Andrew Jackson ♪

♪ Lydia, oh, Lydia,
that encyclopedia ♪

♪ Oh, Lydia,
the champ of them all ♪

♪ For two bits, she will do
a mazurka in jazz ♪

♪ With a view of Niagara
that nobody has ♪

♪ And on a clear day,
you can see Alcatraz ♪

♪ You can learn a lot
from Lydia ♪

-♪ La, la, la...
-♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪♪

♪ Come along and see
Buffalo Bill with his lasso ♪

♪ Just a little classic
by Mendel Picasso ♪

♪ Here's Captain Spaulding,
exploring the Amazon ♪

♪ Here's Godiva,
but with her pajamas on ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪♪

♪ Oh, Lydia, oh, Lydia ♪

♪ Say, have you met Lydia? ♪

♪ Oh, Lydia,
the champ of them all ♪

♪ She once swept an admiral
clear off his feet ♪

♪ The ships on her hips
made his heart skip a beat ♪

♪ And now the old boy's
in command of the fleet ♪

♪ For he went
and married Lydia ♪

- ♪ I said Lydia ♪
- ♪ He said Lydia ♪

-♪ I said Lydia ♪
-♪ He said Lydia ♪

♪ Hurray ♪

-Some of the lines
were considered

a little bit racy, weren't they?

-Yes, there were risqué.
-But which ones?

I mean, surely "when her muscles
start relaxing,

up the hill
comes Andrew Jackson" isn't --

-Yes. We were asked
to cut that out.

That's why I had to write
that third stanza.

I had to write a third stanza
to save us from the censor.

-You had to marry her off
in the end?

I had to marry her.

♪ She once swept an admiral
clear off his feet ♪

♪ The ships on her hips
made his heart skip a beat ♪

♪ And now the old boy's
in command of the fleet ♪

♪ For he went
and married Lydia ♪

That's right.
Now, that made it kosher.

No applause?

-Groucho, nobody ever explains
why the films

were named what they were.

Why "Coconuts," why "Duck Soup,"
why "Animal Crackers"?

-Well, "Coconuts" was named

because the fella
who produced it was Sam Harris.

-Ah.
-And he used --

He used to go
to Florida every winter,

and then he would write
his unfunny postcards

while we were knocking
our brains out,

working on Broadway,

while he was down in Florida,
drinking mint juleps.

So the first one
was called "Coconuts,"

and it was a lot about Florida,
Miami.

-Why "Duck Soup," then,
"Animal Crackers"?

-"Duck Soup," there really was
no logical reason for that.

But, you know, it was a comedy.
It was about a war.

It wasn't as serious
as the one we're still having.

-I know. It's a strange feeling
to see it now, because --

-It's a strange feeling
I got yesterday

when looking at the front page

and saw Johnson and Nixon
walking towards the library,

and they looked
so proud and happy.

What great things
they have done.

Johnson lengthened the war
to six years.

Nixon has started three wars
since he's in there.

-I didn't get to ask you
about the rumor

that you were running
for governor,

or somebody asked you
to run for governor

or something like that.

-Fella from California, they
wanted me to run for governor.

This is pre- Ree-gan --
or Ray-gan,he prefers.

And I asked them
how much they paid.

-Yeah.

-And they said
it was $35,000 a year.

Well, at that time,
I was getting $16,000 a week

for doing the quiz show.

So I tell them, "Unless they get
raises to that sum,

forget about it."

It's a true story.
-Yeah.

You don't want me
to sing anymore, huh?

-Oh, I love when you sing.
-You know, if I sing...

you haven't got
any time to talk.

And I like to hear you talk.

-Oh, listen,
I'm here every night.

I'm not.

-If you had it to do over,
would you do anything different?

There were rumors that you once
wanted to be other things

besides a performer.

I wanted to be a doctor
at one time.

-You did?
-Yeah.

-Horse doctor.

No, really.

I wanted to be a doctor.
But that was before Medicare.

I wouldn't do it now.

In those days, the doctor could
keep all the money he made.

Now he keeps about 20%.

But what they've done,
the doctors,

they've raised the price
of everything.

So you were gonna get
your leg sawed off,

it used to cost maybe $85.

It'd be about $140 now.

-It's hardly worth it, is it?
-No, it's hardly worth it.

-For $200,
I'd seriously consider it.

Or both legs.

Then I can say
I haven't got a leg to stand on.

People are so grateful to me
that I had Groucho on

a number of times.

You could see a little bit
of failing

from about halfway
in his appearances

to the last four or five or so.

I got perhaps
the last of Groucho's prime.

-I want to sing a song
that was written

by Irving Berlin
during the First World War.

He's supposed to be watching
the show tonight.

-Yes, he is.

He told me that he was
gonna watch it tonight.

I don't know the song well,
but I'll fake my way through it.

-Alright.
-Just for Berlin.

-It's yours.

♪♪

-Now.
-♪ Down below ♪

♪ Down below ♪

♪ Sat the devil,
talking to his son ♪

♪ Who wanted to go up above ♪

♪ Up above ♪

♪ He cried, "It's getting
too warm for me down here ♪

♪ And so, and so ♪

♪ I'm going up on...where
I can have a lot of fun" ♪

♪ The devil
simply shook his head ♪

♪ And answered to his son ♪

♪ "You stay down here
where you belong ♪

♪ The folks who
live above you ♪

♪ They don't know right
from wrong ♪

♪ To please their kings,
they've all gone off to war ♪

♪ And not a-one of them knows
what they're fighting for ♪

♪ "Way up above, they say ♪

♪ That I'm a devil
and I'm bad ♪

♪ But their kings up there are
bigger devils than your dad ♪

♪ They're breaking
the hearts of mothers ♪

♪ They're making butchers
out of brothers ♪

♪ You'll find more hell
up there than there is
down here below" ♪

-Thank you.

Good night, Irving Berlin,

who I consider the greatest
songwriter America's had.

And one night,
he had come to California,

and they gave him a big dinner,
ASCAP --

that's the musicians'
organization.

And I had arranged
with Harry Ruby,

a close friend of mine,

that I would sing this song
that I just sang.

And when I got through
singing,

Irving Berlin called me over
to the table.

And he said, "Groucho,

if you ever have the urge
to sing that song again,

will you come to me and tell me
that you want to sing it?

And I'll give you $100

for every time
you don't sing this song."

It's a true story.

-The one sort of person
that Groucho

you might say liked best
were writers.

-I was never much interested
in acting.

I always wanted to be a writer.

-Is it true you stole
a printing press

at the age of 10, or is that
just a biographical --

-Yes. No, no, this is true.

And when I was about
10 years old,

I wanted to be a writer,
and I had nothing to write with.

I had a lead pencil,
but I wanted a printing press.

Now, they had them on sale
at Bloomingdale's for $1.98.

They were about this size,
and they had letters.

And, you know,
you'd pick out a letter --

"H," "G,"
whatever letter you wanted.

And I stuck it under my coat.

And a floor worker came along,
and he saw a peculiar bulge.

And he says,
"What do you got under there?"

And I said, "Nothing."

He reached in and pulled out
this printing press,

and he got -- a cop came over
and arrested me.

And old man Bloomingdale
came along around this time,

and he says,
"What are you doing there?

What's the policeman for?"

He says, "Well, this kid
stole a printing press."

He says, "Let him go.

All the kids steal
in this neighborhood.

Let him go."
And they did.

They let me go, but they didn't
give me the printing press.

You know, some years later,
one of the Bloomingdale family

had a play opening
in Philadelphia,

and it was a real stinker.

And George Kaufman,

who was known as the architect
of the theater at that time --

he was invited
by the Bloomingdales' son

to come down to Philadelphia
and look at this show

and see if he had
any suggestions for fixing it.

And after the show was over
and the curtain was down,

Bloomingdale came down
in the audience

where Kaufman was setting
and says,

"George, what about the show?
What should we do about it?"

He says,
"I tell you what you do."

He says, "Close the show and
keep the store open at nights."

He was a genuine writer,
a genuine intellect.

He was such a literate man,
such a well-read man.

His grammar, his language
was artful and perfect.

-If I'd have gone to college,

I'd have been a writer
much faster in my life

and probably a much better one,

because I wasn't sure of grammar
or English or anything else.

-You're better educated
than a lot of college people.

You know that.
-I'm not sure of that, no.

-I think you -- 'cause
you've read all your life,

and you've made a point
of revealing yourself.

-Yes, I have read a lot.

I was one of the first
contributors

to the New Yorkermagazine
under my name,

which is Julius Henry Marx.

I was much prouder of that

than I was in any play
I'd ever been in,

or in Vaudeville or movies
or anyplace else.

I always wanted to be a writer.

-Yeah. I hate to think of you
being solely a writer, though,

because then Captain Spaulding
would have been played

by Lloyd Nolan or something,
and it wouldn't be the same.

Groucho pretty much avoided
the legendary

Algonquin Round Table
of witty people.

It didn't appeal to him,
somehow.

I can sort of remember
his saying,

"They often came
with prepared lines."

And he said, "It was sort of
like opening an oyster

and finding a cultured pearl."

-You're very highly regarded
among the literati.

It's not that you write well
for an actor,

but that you write well
for anybody.

-I wrote for an actor
a few weeks ago,

but he didn't come on.

No, I...

Well, I'm a guess
what you'd call a self-made man,

which is a sad description
of a man.

You know,
I didn't finish public school.

-One of Groucho's
greatest honors

was when the Library of Congress
asked for his collected letters.

That meant everything to him.

-Do you know that I have a book

in the Congressional Library
in Washington?

Did you know that?
-Well --

-It's a book of letters
that I wrote.

-Yeah, your book of letters.
-The letters that were --

You're included in the letters,

and Fred Allen and Thurber
and T.S. Eliot and Benchley

and practically every notable
in America.

-I didn't actually
get into the book,

but I have letters from you.

I just missed the book.
-I have letters from you,

which are much better than mine.

I may do another book
on your letters.

Oh.

-But I was flattered.
I was on one of the night shows.

I don't want to mention
the name of the show.

It was the Johnny Carson show.

I had mentioned
that I had written a book

with all these notable people
on.

And the next day,
I got a letter from the head

of the Congressional Library
in Washington,

and they asked me if they could
have the original letters,

which I sent to them.

And if anytime
you're in Washington,

you go
to the Congressional Library,

and you can read my book there.

And it's two cents a day,
by the way.

This is true.

I'm probably the only actor
in the last 40, 50 years

that had a book
in the Congressional Library,

and I'm very proud of that.

And you know what they say?

Self-praise is no praise.

Well, let's forget this
and get on

to something dirty or obscene.

Is it the same thing?

-It used to be.

Speaking of letters,

I've had three letters
from your friend Harry Ruby

in as many days.

He's a congenital idiot and...

And a compulsive letter writer.
He is.

Harry Ruby
is the great songwriter, also.

I thought I'd slip that in.

-He's a great friend of mine,
too.

And he's written virtually
all the songs that I sing.

"Lydia" is one of the few songs
that I sing

that he didn't write.

I was driving Groucho Marx and
Harry Ruby, his great friend,

home from dinner
in Beverly Hills.

And driving my rental car,

I cursed the fact that I wasn't
wearing a microphone

and a tape recorder,

because I could hear
Harry Ruby and Groucho Marx

talking, talking, talking.

It was all good.

Here's the one I remember best.

I think we stopped
at a stoplight on Sunset.

It's dark, after dinnertime.

And Groucho looks around,
and he says,

"Oh, there's an apartment
where your son lives, Harry."

And Harry Ruby said,
"No, it isn't, Groucho."

He said, "Yeah, your son lives
in that apartment house."

And Harry Ruby says,
"He does not, Groucho.

He lives way over on the other
side of Wilshire Boulevard,"

or something.

And Groucho said,
"He doesn't live there?"

"No."
"Well, that's funny.

I ran into him last week,

and he never mentioned
not living there."

I heard that you went
to the theater last night

and saw yourself, so --

-Don't change the subject.

What did you have to eat
in Washington?

A couple of shrimp, some --

-Anyone I know.

-No, but a couple of meatballs
asked about you.

That's your style.

You see,
I never would have said that

if I hadn't heard you
talk that way.

You've influenced
a lot of people.

Yeah.
That's kind of ironical,

that you sit here
and pull a bad joke

and then blame me for it.

There came a time
when inevitably

a musical was written and staged
and on Broadway

about the Marx Brothers.

There's a show opening
on Broadway

called "Minnie's Boys."

Shelley Winters --
great actress Shelley Winters

was cast as Mother Marx.

-And I've always wanted to be in
a picture with Groucho,

and I never --
the closest I've made it

is playing his mother
in a musical.

-How does he feel about you
being his mother?

-How do you feel about me
being your mother?

-Well, I haven't felt you
in some time.

-Groucho, tell me,
truly, really,

how did Minnie, your mother,
handle all these boys

who were obviously a handful?

Completely ignored us.

She put us out in the street
and let us play, that's all.

And when we got hungry,
we went in the house.

-But when
you all went on the road --

-She was busy, my mother.
-What was she doing?

-Well,
she had to clean the house

and cook a pot of bean soup
and smoked tongue

or whatever we were having,

depending on how much money
my father brought home.

And he rarely brought home
any money,

'cause he was the world's
worst tailor.

He never would use
a tape measure.

He was too proud.

That's not a joke.
That's true.

-You'd estimate?

-If he had a customer
in there --

Would you mind standing?
Can you stand?

Come out here.

-He plays Harpo.
That's Danny.

-Alright, standing up.

"Okay, that's fine.
I got you."

Three weeks later,
the suit would come.

One pants leg
would be up to here.

Would be a mini-pants.

And what are --
the other expressions are?

And neither the coat would fit.

Usually didn't have buttons.

And, you see,
the big problem here

is that Chico was a congenital
gambler and compulsive.

He couldn't avoid gambling.

When Chico died,
he didn't have a penny.

As a matter of fact, the last
three or four pictures we made,

we had to do it to keep Chico
back in money again at MGM,

because he never had any money.

He was either at the racetrack
or in a crap game or someplace.

He had no sense about money.

He spent it as he got it.

Now, I don't know, he may have
been better off than we are,

because I've saved my money.

That's why I'm on the show
for nothing.

He had me go over to a hotel

and pick up a coat to take
to the actor Lewis J. Stadlen

to play Groucho in.

And it was the coat
from the movies.

And I folded it carefully
over my lap

and worshiped it all the way
to where I delivered it.

-I must tell you a brief story
which isn't in the show.

There was a fella
on First Avenue,

around 88th Street or something
in New York,

that had a confectionery store.

And he was a devout Catholic,

and he was getting a suit
made by my father for Easter,

which was the following day.

I mean, the suit was finished,

and he had empowered me
to take the package

over to the confectionery store,

and he was so delighted
to see me.

And he gave me a chocolate soda,

and I was sitting
on the counter there

with that nickel chocolate soda.

I was having a wonderful time.

And finally, this confectioner,
whose name was Stuckfish --

You wouldn't believe this.

This was his name.

And he came out and bellowed
as loud as he could.

He says, "Where's the pants?

Where's --
There's no pants here."

And what happened was

that Chico had opened
this package the night before

and taken the pants out
and hawked them on 88th Street.

-Groucho was on again
five days later.

We found out
he was still in town.

-Next guest is an actress
and a singer

who likes to do
Broadway musicals best of all.

Since there's not much to do
on Broadway anymore,

she stays home
and takes care of her two kids.

One of them is legitimate.

Hey, will you get your hand
out of the way?

She has two kids
and her husband.

the Broadway, film librettist,
Adolph Green.

And more than occasionally, she
drops in on television shows.

Would you please,
for the love of heaven,

welcome the rapturous
and beautiful and sexy

Ms. Phyllis Newman?

-Yes.
-I just one want to tell you...

that's the worst introduction
I ever heard.

-Well, I have worse ones
than that, which I'm holding up.

-Can I cut in?
-Do you still love me
after all these years?

-Yes, I do.

-Well, then you can go over
and sit down.

-Wherever you want me.

In Dave Foster's spot.

Because it's very cold there.

-At a party after that show,

I was standing next
to Phyllis Newman,

and a man came over,

and Phyllis introduced me to him

and then said,
"He wrote 'The Rothschilds.'"

And Groucho said,
"Did they answer?"

-He's a professional writer.
-Yeah.

Which is more than I can say
for the rest of this group.

-Oh, I don't know.

I thought you you've written
five books, haven't you?

-Yes, I have.
-Yeah.

-And Dick
was a professional writer.

-Well, I was a comedy writer.

That's not the same as writing.
-Oh, really?

I think it's the hardest form
of writing there is.

-But it comes --
-You bet it is.

-I'd had Groucho on
with Truman Capote.

And you said earlier
that you'd be a better writer

if you had gone to college.
-This is true.

-I want to hear if you agree.
with that.

-I didn't finish high school.

-I didn't finish public school.

-I went to PS-86 at 96th Street
and Lexington Avenue.

-He had on that unique golf hat.

-You want to try the hat?

-No. I don't need a hat
with three balls.

I'm just an average person.

-That's explaining it clearly.

He certainly surprised everyone,
I guess,

by proposing marriage
to Truman Capote.

You're a single man.

You pay a much bigger income tax
than if you're a married man.

-I didn't realize that.
-Well, it's true.

-So there are advantages
to being gay?

-That's about the only one
that I can think of.

When you're home alone at night
in a single bed,

it doesn't help any.
-Yeah.

-But if you have
a companion with you

who will listen to reason,

I think there is money
to be made in income taxes.

Have you ever thought of getting
married and splitting the tax?

-Well, you find somebody for me
to marry,

and I'll consider it, okay?

-I would marry you in a minute
if you write another hit book

like you did about Kansas.

-Yeah. Did you read
"In Cold Blood"?

-Yes. Of course I did.
-Yeah?

-It was wonderful.
-Yeah.

-Will you consider this
an engagement?

-Yes, positive.

You're a little old for me,
though.

That's true.

I can't give you
what you're entitled to.

-Oh!
-The best years of your life.

-At one point, early 70s,

a young woman named Erin Fleming
came into Groucho's life.

Will you please welcome a very
good friend of Groucho's,

Ms. Erin Fleming?

This was a controversial thing,

because she got a lot
out of being with Groucho,

and she was
an ambitious actress.

Woody Allen,
as a friend of Groucho,

has used her
in one of his movies,

and she's dead -- suicide --
years later.

But Groucho certainly enjoyed
being in front of an audience

even at that age.

But he was certainly
frightening backstage,

and sometimes
he had to take a Ritalin.

You and Groucho
are very good friends.

-I'm Groucho's secretary.

That's right.

Now, let me ask you this.

-This is the euphemism
of the year.

-It was a strange relationship,
because he was what,

50 years older than she was
or more.

You remember your first
conversation together

where you and Erin first met?

-Yes.
-Yeah?

-The first thing she said to me,
if you have any notion

that I would marry, you,
forget it.

And I said
the same thing to her.

-Yeah.

-And we've been
very close friends ever since.

-Some thought
she was a blessing.

Others hated her guts,
thought she was gonna kill him

by dragging him up and out
into the public

and as they saw it promoting
her own self and career.

We did kind of a documentary
of Groucho

and bits from the show
and so forth,

and I thought
it worked beautifully.

And the phone rang,
and it was Groucho.

and I said,
"Did you see it, Groucho?"

And he said, "I want $16,000."

I said, "I'm sorry?"

"I want $16,000."

It's possible that someone
had prompted this, but Erin --

you got to give it to her,
got him up, got him dressed,

got him to shows,
got him to the Oscars.

It's true that she did all that,
and I think she was hard on him,

and sometimes life-threateningly
some say who were there.

I don't think
I could ever forget the night

I introduced Groucho
at Carnegie Hall,

remembering complaints
that he made backstage

about having to go on.

He was very, very frail,

but you could tell
that he wanted to.

What is Groucho really like?
-Huh.

-Why do you think
they call him Groucho?

-Well, is he irascible
and all of that?

-No.
-No.

-He's very lovable
and easy to work for.

-On the subject
of Erin dragging Groucho

at times when it was excessive,

the premiere
of "The Poseidon Adventure."

-Here's an unmistakable face,

despite the fact that he's in
a Santa Claus costume tonight.

Groucho, I'd like you to
introduce to us this lovely gal

that you're with tonight.

She's beautiful.
She really is.

-You want me to introduce you
to her?

Yeah, I'd like to know her.

Yes. She's beautiful.

-He'd like to know her.
-Right, right.

-Groucho was ill,
but he and Erin appeared there.

She was the only one well enough
to go.

-I shouldn't be here
at all tonight

because I should be at home
in bed.

-Once I went up to Groucho's
and Erin's room

in the Sherry-Netherland Hotel
in New York and we chatted,

Erin excused herself
to smoke a joint in the bedroom

and then came back,
and we chatted some more,

and then I had to leave.

And as I left
and I said, "Goodbye, Groucho,"

I felt
when this door finishes closing,

it might be the last time
I ever see Captain Spaulding.

And it was.

-He had achieved everything
that I wanted to achieve,

you know, as a comedian.

But he still got old,
and he still aged,

and there was nothing special
was gonna happen

because he had achieved

this enormous
artistic accomplishment.

-And yet he died.
-And yet he died.

-That's right.
I remember saying to you one day

when we were both annoyed

at the skimpy Timeobituary
on Groucho

and wrote letters about who do
you have to be to get something,

a longer obit then --
-And what does it mean?

Sure. What does it mean anyhow?

I mean, is that a big deal,
to get a long obituary?

-I'm Harry Reasoner,
here tonight with Dick Cavett,

to remember the man
with a funny mustache

and the big cigar
he waved like a wand --

this magician who could turn
just about anything or anyone

into jelly and belly laughs.

-I wrote for Groucho,
worked with him,

and, incredibly to me,
came to be his friend.

It's hard for me to believe
he's gone.

When I first met Groucho,
I was 25.

He was 70.

But it seemed to me
that we were the same age.

And he was a guest on my show
many times in the early '70s.

And once, when we talked about

the fun we'd had
doing those shows, Groucho said,

"Well, let's do another one,
only leave me out of it."

-I remember that you introduced
him to me at Lindy's restaurant.

I had morbid thoughts,
because, you know,

he was then quite old, really,
and not in great shape.

And I was very struck as we were
sitting opposite him in Lindy's

that he reminded me of kind of
a Jewish uncle in my family,

kind of a wisecracking
Jewish uncle

with a sarcastic wit.

Not that different from many
of the characters that turn up

at a wedding or a funeral or a
bar mitzvah in a Jewish family.

You know,
just more gifted, clearly.

-I'm generally admired you know?
-Yes.

-That's from
Gilbert and Sullivan.

-I wonder if you ever noticed
how complicated and tricky

and elaborate
some of the lyrics are

in Groucho's songs
of Captain Spaulding

and all the others.

Part of that points to the fact
that he was --

and you would assume this
if you knew him a little --

a great fan of wordsmiths

and particularly
Gilbert and Sullivan.

♪ As someday it may happen
that a victim must be found ♪

♪ I've got a little list,
I've got a little list ♪

♪ Of society offenders
who might well be underground ♪

♪ And who never
would be missed,
who never would be missed ♪

♪ There's the pestilential
nuisances ♪

♪ Who write for autographs ♪

♪ All people who have flabby
hands and irritating laughs ♪

♪ All children
who are up in dates ♪

♪ And floor you with 'em flat ♪

♪ All persons
who on shaking hands ♪

♪ Shake hands with you
like that ♪

♪ And all third persons who on
spoiling tête-á-têtes insist ♪

♪ They'd none of 'em be missed,
they'd none of 'em be missed ♪

♪ He's got 'em on the list,
he's got 'em on the list ♪

♪ And they'll none of 'em
be missed ♪

♪ They'll none of 'em
be missed ♪

-Mr. Cavett
is an old Gilbertian scholar.

-No, you are.

-And he insists
on singing this song.

-Oh, come on now!
You roped me into doing this.

-When did I rope you?

-I almost doubt that it's true

that I got to sing with Groucho
on a couple of occasions.

And to sing with him...

he sort of carried you

like a great singer does.

♪ On a tree by a river
a little tom-tit ♪

♪ Sang, "Willow,
titwillow, titwillow" ♪

♪ And I said to him,
"Dicky-bird, why do you sit ♪

♪ Singing, "Willow,
titwillow, titwillow" ♪

♪ "Is it weakness of intellect,
birdie?", I cried ♪

♪ "Or a rather tough worm
in your little inside?" ♪

♪ With a shake of his poor,
little head, he replied ♪

♪ "Oh, willow, titwillow,
titwillow" ♪

Mm.

You asked me this.

-Do you want me to --

-See, it's hard for me to get
my voice up as high as yours.

♪ He slapped at his chest
as he sat on that bough ♪

-Real highbrow stuff here.

♪ Singing, "Willow,
titwillow, titwillow" ♪

You're not with me.

♪ And a cold perspiration
bespangled ♪

Thank you.
♪ His brow ♪

♪ Oh, willow,
titwillow, titwillow ♪

♪ He sobbed and he sighed,
and a gurgle he gave ♪

♪ Then he plunged himself into
the billowy wave ♪

♪ And an echo arose
from the suicide's grave ♪

♪ Oh, willow

- ♪ Titwillow ♪
- Frightened the hell out of me.

♪ Now, I feel just as sure
as I'm sure that my name ♪

♪ Isn't Willow,
titwillow, titwillow ♪

♪ That 'twas blighted affection
that made him exclaim ♪

♪ "Oh, willow,
titwillow, titwillow" ♪

♪ And if you remain callous
and obdurate, I... ♪

Just a moment.

Is there anyone in the audience
that knows what obdurate means?

Is there really?
No, I'm serious about this.

What's the point
of singing a song?

-What does it mean?
-It's stubborn.

That's right.
It's stubborn.

Who said that?

One literate person.

Okay, now continue.

♪ And if you remain callous
and obdurate, I... ♪

♪ Shall perish as he did,
and you will know why ♪

♪ Though I probably shall not
exclaim when I die ♪

♪ "Oh, willow,
titwillow, titwillow" ♪

♪♪

♪♪♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪