Original subtitles

Where the hell's our cab? Why can't we just hang here?

Because the only things that hang on Christmas Day

are mistletoe, holly... CONNECT TONE TRILLS

..and in some houses, tinsel.

Hello?

Yes, hi. There's still no sign of our cab,

and I really need to get to my aunt's for lunch.

Can I just put you on hold? Yes.

Georgie, you're tipping the pavlova!

Huh? The pavlova.

You need to keep it upright or the compote will breach the meringue.

Why did you make this?

Well, Aunt Joan has got this hilarious photo of me with a pavlova

when I was about Manus's age,

and I thought it'd be super cute to recreate it with you two.

We'll have the perfect family Christmas at Aunt Joan's.

She has the biggest tree, the...

Hello?

Yes? The driver's cancelled, I'm afraid, madam.

What? Yeah, he's said that...

No, no. No, you can't cancel.

It's Christmas Day.

Where else am I going to get a cab on Christmas Day?

Merry Christmas, neighbour.

Cute PJs.

Come on, Mal, chop chop.

Georgie, you're tipping the pavlova over!

OK, what's the address?

Oh, if you just put in Cirencester.

Cirencester?!

Amanda, that's practically Wales. You said a quick lift.

You said you had no plans today.

No, I said I planned on doing nothing.

Different thing.

Ned's with his mum. I was going to crack open the Baileys,

order a curry and watch me some Die Hard.

Oh, Mal, how depressing.

At least you'll have company now.

I don't want company.

ENGINE STARTS

Oh, could we just do a small detour?

You having a good Crimbo, Felicity?

Not really. I was supposed to be in South Africa.

But Amanda guilt tripped me into visiting my sister.

What's wrong with your sister? She's a nightmare.

It's just all laughter and games,

and endless bloody cheeseboards.

She's completely over the top.

She asks us every year, Mummy, and we never go.

It's getting rude.

And I would love the kiddos to have a traditional Cotswoldian Noel

while they're still enchanted by the magic of Christmas.

But does she have a PS5?

No, she doesn't have a PS5, Manus.

I don't even think she has the internet.

THEY ALL GROAN No way!

PHONE BUZZES Oh, it's Anne.

I should take it.

Little Christmas present for her.

Anne.

Amanda, it's a disaster.

I've been at the airport now for about 14 hours,

and they've finally just cancelled our flight to Dublin.

Oh, Anne, no.

What a shame.

Well, look, thanks for keeping me posted.

We will... Chris and the kids went ahead to Cork. Yep, yep.

I was supposed to join yesterday. Yep. But because of the storm

I'm completely stranded.

And everybody who I know and love is hundreds of miles away.

Chris, Darius...

Pat. Yes. Roisin. Yes. Pat... Mm.

..and her husband, Pat.

Their kids - young Pat and Patricia. Yes.

And Edgar and Barry and Pat. Hmm, yep.

Uh, you know, Heathrow's on our way, actually.

No. No!

Fine.

Mal, absolutely not! No, no, no.

No...! God, no...!

Oh, my God, I miss you all so much!

ANNE SOBS

AMANDA TURNS UP MUSIC VOLUME

We're here!

Christmas has officially started.

Kids, off your phones now, please.

Eat your heart out, Downton Abbey.

Oh, hardly.

It's only 11 acres and a ha-ha.

Why is that funny?

No, a ha-ha. It's like a giant ditch.

Oh. You should know what a ha-ha is, you're a gardener.

Oh, yeah. I've seen loads of ha-has in Ha-Harlesden.

Oh, look!

She's put the reindeer out for the kids.

Oh, Mummy, do you remember when Bumble the Shetland

tried to mount one?

God, that was funny.

This is why I don't go to therapy.

Some memories are best repressed.

Get the bags! Here we go! Look at the reindeer!

OK, come on, come on, let's have a bit of festive cheer!

DOORBELL RINGS

DOGS BARKING FAINTLY

Guys, off the phones now, please.

Guys?

Guys. Right, give me those.

Dad just gave us those. What? They're from Dad!

Did we learn nothing from Adolescence?

And, Anne, this is my Christmas happy place,

so please don't be a Debbie Downer.

OK, everyone.

Here we go!

Oh, I'm so...!

I'm so sorry! Oh, what a shock!

You caught me mid giblets!

Oh, goodness! No, not the coat.

Merry Christmas, darling. Oh, I'm so sorry to spring this on you,

but there's been a bit of a disaster.

Is it cool if my mum-friend, Anne, joins us?

This her? Yes.

Oh, Anne. Of course!

You look like you need a stiff drink.

Thank you, but, erm...but no.

If I can't be with my family, then what's the point?

Oh, dear girl, come in, come in, come in.

Divorce, is it? No. Storm Geraldine.

Storm Gerald... Merry Christmas. Oh!

Oh, for me? Wow!

No! Manus, Georgie!

No, no, no, no! I know!

I don't believe it!

Oh, no, I won't touch you. I won't touch them. No, don't.

Don't touch them. We'll hug in a moment.

Come in! Yes.

Hello! Don't touch, don't touch. Oh, they're gorgeous.

Gorgeous! All right, this is the last of the bags.

Thank you, Mal. That's great. Thanks so much.

Darling, you didn't tell me you were bringing a lover.

Oh, no, Amanda's my neighbour. Mal lives in my cellar.

It's not like that. I just drove her here. No, he just drove us here.

Oh, yes, wink, wink, wink!

The more, the merrier. No, no, no.

He's fine, he has plans. It's OK.

Oh, you've got plans? Yeah, I was just going to use your loo,

if I may, before I nip off. I've got a date with John McClane.

John McClane? Oh, fantastic.

You're a hommo-sexual?

It's a Die Hard reference. I was going to watch it with a curry.

Oh, God, how ghastly.

You will stay for a pre-prandial.

Joany... Come on!

What's a pre-prandial? It's a posh word for a drink.

Yeah.

Yeah, OK, Pat, can you put Chris back on?

So, I have an alert set up on my phone for when the flights reopen

and if you could just have everyone there checking the internet...

Where should I put my coat, Gan-Gan?

Keep it on.

This house is bloody freezing.

Isn't it magical?

It's giving hardcore Narnia vibes, right?

I mean, wow.

That's what I call a tree.

AMANDA INHALES DEEPLY

Is it plastic?

Oh, my God, has she still got that?

Daddy bought that in the '70s.

Probably the newest thing in this place.

How odd.

I distinctly remember the scent of pine needles.

No, this house smells the way it's always smelt...

..damp, dogs, desperation.

Now, I've been absolutely dying for you to arrive.

I've got everything in. We've got some olives over there,

there's this trout pate.

We've got mini quiches, prawn vol-au-vents,

and these really fun things from Marks and Spencer's!

Mini burgers! Have you seen these?

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, Ludo.

No, no, no. We'll have to clean that one up, won't we?

Joany? Hmm?

Where shall I put the pavlova?

Is that Granny Gussie's recipe? Yes, it is.

Minus the powdered egg.

I thought it might be fun to recreate that famous pudding photo

from that amazing Christmas.

Yes. What do you think? Yep.

I've got it in the album.

Let me look for the album. Oh, do! Yes, dig it out.

Everybody, dig in.

Flick, devilled egg?

Have a devilled egg.

Flick, devilled.

Egg, egg! Flick, devilled egg!

Flick, devilled... Fine!

I'll have a devilled egg.

Now, I think it's under here somewhere.

Ah! Now, where's that famous photo?

Ah!

Oh! Oh, yes!

Now, look at that, look at that. There it is.

Look at Gan-Gan! What a hotty.

Is that you, Mum?

Yep, that was me pre-blossom.

Just on my cusp of discovering Clearasil and Wonderbras.

Oh, my goodness, look at that, I'm wearing the same jumper.

Oh, Joan, no, stop! That's perfect!

I thought it'd be really fun to re-stage the photo

with Manus and George. Ooh!

The Hemsworth brothers did one sitting on their mum's lap,

and it pretty much broke the internet.

I remember the Hemsworth brothers.

Hemsworth brothers. Yes, you stepped out with one.

They had their tractor dealership in Ampney St Peter.

That was the Hemswood brothers.

Hemswood...

Yeah, I slept with all three of them.

Oh! Well done, you.

And the father.

Mummy... Oh, jolly good.

Now, drinky poos.

Ah! Oh, damn.

What's that?

What's in those ones?

Oh, is that you, Flick?

No-one must see those!

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

What the...?

This house is literally freezing.

My family will be back from Mass about now.

Do you think Jesus will punish me for missing his birthday?

You know what you need, Anne?

Sloe gin.

Very good for melancholia.

The night my father died, I drank two bottles.

Was right as rain in the morning.

I... I suppose I could have a small glass, just to steady the nerves.

Because, erm...

I don't think I've ever done a Christmas without my family...!

No, no, no. None of that, now.

Come on, get that down your gullet.

Phwoa... Gah!

Yes, got a kick to it.

Gah!

That's the 1978 vintage, the year you were born.

Oh, Aunt Joan...

Now, what do the children want? What can we get for them?

Uh, do you have any Prime?

Manus, no... Prime?

No, don't worry, he'll have a Coca-Cola.

I've got a cola. I've got a can of cola here.

There we go. Lovely, lovely.

Ah.

Come on.

Oh...

I think that's seen better days. Ludo can have that.

Ludo! Ludo, Ludo, look what's here!

Look what's here!

Joan.

I got you a Christmas present. Oh, no, Amanda.

You didn't, you didn't. Yes, it's just a little...

Oh, that's marvellous! I don't believe it! It's nothing, Joan!

Oh, don't be silly! That's tremendous of you!

Look at that!

Wowee!

Oh!

Oh, my goodness!

No, Joan! It's for the bath.

The ba... Joan...

I've swallowed it now.

I'll have a bath later, darling, I'll have a bath later.

Didn't I just gift you that?

Yes.

I loved it so much that I went out and bought exactly the same one

for Aunt Joan.

I need ice in my whisky.

Oh, you'll find plenty in the toilet.

Now, will you come in here and sit down, please?

Oh, thank you.

Erm, I was actually going to hit the road. No, no, no.

We're not having you spending the day alone.

You and Anne are our Christmas guests of honour, so sit.

I've got a goose to go and get out of the oven.

I've never been anyone's Christmas guest of honour before.

This is the same one.

What the hell is this?

It says, "To Amanda. Love from Anne".

I went out and bought exactly the same one for Joan.

But then how did this get in here? I don't know how...

GONG CLANGS Luncheon is served!

Ooh! Lovely.

Come on!

Oh, uh, those are the photos Gan-Gan doesn't want anyone seeing.

Hmm.Come on, boys!

Mm, I'm hungry.

Look, tell him, yes, it's a larger box,

but it's actually the same value gift,

because I went by money spent. Anne.

Not by volume, OK? Anne?

No devices, please. I have to go.

OK.

Anne... Oh, Mal, don't sit there. Sorry. Cos of the photos.

We need to match the old pavlova pic so, yeah.

Mummy needs to sit there. Joan's here.

Mummy, you're here. No, I need a clear line to an exit.

Well, it... OK.

Well, yeah! We'll...

Well, yeah, we can all move round for pudding.

Here we go! Goosey goosey gander!

Oh, wow! Oh, wait, wait.

Joan, Joan, stop, stop, stop, stop!

Can you go back in and come back out? What? I want to film it.

For the memories! Just tuck in, tuck in. Tuck in! Tuck in!

OK, this is going to be so good.

Anne, could you just lean out? Cos the tear stains.

I just miss my family.

We know, Anne!

And, yes.

Goosey goosey gander!

Woo, look at that!

Well, dig in. We've got a side of beef, Yorkshires, a ham,

and some little piggies in blankets.

Mum...

Just eat it. It's Christmas. Hmm?

What?

I'm vegan.

Oh, shit. Are you? It's fine, I'll just eat the veg.

No, you will not just eat the veg.

Not on my watch you won't.

I tell you what, I'll... I'll rustle up a...

..a souffle!

Oh, God. Joan...

Do you see what I mean?

It's just too much.

She's just trying to make us all happy, Mummy.

Anne, uh, did you...?

Did you notice the stuffed stoat in the hallway?

No. No? Oh, let me show you quickly.

I'm not that into stoats.

Yes.

But, erm, honestly, I think you'll find this one very interesting.

Come on.

Yeah, I don't know who told you that I was into stoats.

But, actually, this one is... is quite unusual.

OK, listen, forget the stoat.

I just saw some pictures of Felicity I wasn't supposed to see,

and now I can't unsee what I saw.

God, they weren't nudies, were they?

No, they're not nudies.

Is anyone wearing a Nazi uniform?

No! There's no Nazis. Just look.

Ooh. Blimey O'Reilly, is that...?

Is that Felicity and...

..Sir Mick Jagger?

Yes. Looks like they're on holiday together.

Jesus, he was such a ride back then.

Yeah, it looks like he was riding Felicity.

O-M-G. Is...

Is she pregnant? Yes!

And, look, he's holding her stomach.

Hmm. And...

Summer of '77.

Joan just said that Amanda was born in '78. Uh-huh.

You don't think Sir Mick Jagger is...

Mm...

No.

No, no, no. Don't be ridiculous. What?

I've seen enough episodes of Ally McBeal to know this is all

purely circumstantial evidence. Oh...

Just cos it goes clip-clop doesn't mean it's a zebra.

Guys, come on! We're about to eat.

LIVELY CHATTER

Let me get this on first.

I need my glasses on.

Here we go, joke!

Why didn't Santa pay for his sleigh?

Why DIDN'T Santa have to pay for his sleigh?

Because it was on the house.

THEY LAUGH

Ah... That's so bad, it's actually quite good. What?

I've got another joke!

How do you titillate an ocelot?

I've no idea, Joan. How DO you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tits a lot.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, dear...

Not like she bloody wrote it.

Go on, Flick. Your turn! If I must.

Here we go. Whooooo! Whoopee!

Mummy, put the hat on - you'll need it for the pavlova photo.

No, I don't do paper hats.

Flick, do the joke. Where's the joke?

I don't do jokes! Come on, Mummy, it's Christmas!

Come on, Flick! Flick! Flick! Flick!

- Gan-Gan! Gan-Gan! - Flick! Flick! Flick!

Do the joke! Do the joke! Do the joke! Do the joke!

Come on!

What is the coldest country in the world?

I don't know! What is the coldest country in the world?

Russia.

Wait...

Uh, I think you're reading the trivia there, Felicity.

Oh, Mummy! Where are you going, Mummy?

We haven't done the photo.

I'm going to watch the King's Speech.

Ooh is it that time? I love the King's Speech, brilliant!

Everyone fill a glass, let's go and sit soft.

We can do the pavlova after.

Flick! Flick! Darling, wait for us, wait for us! Where's Ludo? Ludo!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Very good. Very good, well done!

Oh! Oh, Anne.

There we go! I have to say,

this is the most delicious Cava I have ever drank.

Oh, darling Anne, it's not Cava. It's champagne.

Real champagne? Yes. From France? Yes.

I've never had French champagne from France before.

Stop fussing,

I can't see the television.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!

I think Joan is lovely.

Classic Stockholm syndrome.

Are you a big fan of the royal family, Felicity?

Oh, I've met a few of them.

Camilla's a laugh.

Probably met a few members of the rock royal family

in your time?

Well, I once lived next door but one to Chris De Burgh.

Er, right! Pavlova time! Oh, finally!

Get the camera! Get the camera!

I don't want pavlova.

Mummy - you can't always get what you want.

Uh... Um, actually, I can't think of food for a bit, Amanda.

I overdid it on the parsnips.

You don't have to eat it! It's just a photo!

Oh! I know what we'll do.

We'll have a parlour game while we all digest.

Who'd like around of Are You There Moriarty?

Oh... I don't know what that is.

What about, um, Ho Ha Hee? Do you know that?

Or The Minister's Cat? Do you know that?

No, I don't know that one. No? Pass The Slipper? No.

Fan The Candle? You must know Hot Cockles?

Hot Cockles!

I don't know that one! Elephant's Foot? Oh, for God's sake,

why don't we just play hide and seek?!

Oh, that's a terrific idea.

OK, yes, that'll be so much fun.

Well done, that girl.

I'll count 50.

Off you go! Quick, off we go!

And then after this we'll do the pavlova photo.

Right, I'll start now, come on! One...

Joan! I've started, two...

I've started, three...

Anything to get away from her. Four! Better hurry.

Five...

..six...

..seven...

..eight... There.

Nine! Ten...

I know, Chris, but I don't know what you expect me to do about it.

I can't make him put on his shoe, I'm 300 miles away!

Look, I really have to go.

Bloody 'ell.

Other people's Christmases are MENTAL.

When are we going to tell her?

What?! Absolutely never.

It's not our family secret,

so we're going to forget we ever saw those photos.

But we did see those photos, Mal.

And I really think Amanda deserves to know!

What do I deserve to know? What the hell...? You're hiding!

Yeah, we're playing hide and seek.

What do I deserve to know?

Ask Mal. Oh, thanks, Anne!

Will someone tell me what's going on?

Just show her the photos.

Are these pictures of my mum on holiday?

What's the big deal?

Look who she's with.

Is that Mick Jagger? Mm-hm.

Mummy, you minx! Sitting on Mick's lap.

I sat on Prince Harry's lap when I was in Mahiki once.

Did I get a mention in the book?

Oh, my God, she's pregnant.

That's hardly a secret. Keep looking.

AMANDA GASPS

She's smoking! No.

No? No. No? Look at the date on the back of the photo.

OK. And look who's holding the bump.

No. No way. No way.

Is my father...?

49, 50! Ready or not, here I come!

Quick, hide! Oh, Jesus!

Er, OK. Mal...

I feel...

I'm actually feeling a bit...

Is that an airing cupboard?

OK, er...

JOAN CHUCKLES

They're probably quite close, they're probably quite close.

Oh, God, I need a snifter!

SHE EXHALES

Wuahhh!

GIGGLING Shhhh!

Mal, look. Uh... Uh-huh.

It's so weird, isn't it? Mm.

When you look at us together.

Mal, look. Mal, look! Mal!

Can you open that door, please? I need some air.

This is INSANE!

I mean, it's a shock, but it's also not a shock, you know?

Because it explains a lot.

I mean, I wonder if the man I thought was my father

ever knew the truth? Poor Daddy.

This must be why my parents divorced.

Maybe Joan told him?

That must be why we never see Joan.

That sounds about right.

Can you just pull my sleeve, please? I've got to get some layers off.

Sh, sh, sh. She's coming.

Who? Oh...

Where are you?!

That one's locked.

Can't get under there.

SOMEONE BREAKS WIND

JOAN CHUCKLES QUIETLY

Ha-ha!

Hoist by your own petard, there, Anne, I think.

Oh, my goodness!

My system's not used to champagne.

No. Come on, more to find.

MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

Oh, what is it now?!

Yes. I need another little snifter.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Oh! Gotcha!

Please don't tell Mum!

I won't if you won't.

Sh!

BANGING FROM ABOVE

Oh, upstairs!

I am on my way!

Ah, I fainted. I fainted. Oh, ding-dong!

Christmas comes but once a year.

Do you know, I knew you two were lovebirds.

We're NOT! He just drove us here.

No, no, it was so hot in there I had to take some clothes off.

Cat's out the bag, Joany.

I've seen the photos.

Oh.

Yeah.

Spill the tea.

Right. Well, I suppose it was only a matter of time.

But, listen, you're going to have to speak to your mother about those.

Where is she?

I'm buggered if I know, cos I've searched the whole house.

Oh, darling, you stay with your paramour.

Oh, have you finished? No, no, stop, Joan!

Can I have some water, please?

Don't panic, that's all I'm going to say. I don't think you should...

MUMMY?!

Right, OK, let's split up.

I'll take the lawn. Joan, you do the meadow... Meadow. Right.

..and, Anne, you and the kids check the drive.

Come on, Ludo! Meadow. OK!

Felicity!

Gan-Gan! Mummy!

Would you look at this? Huh? Felicity! Christmas night.

I'd still be doing the washing-up at home

if I was there right now, yeah? Not standing here...

..looking at the stars.

MOBILE PHONE CHIMES

Sorry, hang on. Sorry.

Oh, God.

Oh! Great. What?

There's a flight out of Heathrow tonight.

Well, that's good news, isn't it? Yeah!

Great... Yes. Um...

All I have to do now is just...

..click this link to confirm.

Oh, no! Would you look at that?

My phone's after running out of battery.

Oh, no, what a shame!

Oh! I just guess it wasn't meant to be, huh?

What a bummer.

Just going to have to end up staying here.

Hey, do you know what?

I'm going to go for a walk!

Yeah!

Felicity!

Bloody 'ell, this stuff is better than Cava!

Felicity!

According to Wikipedia, I have eight brothers and sisters.

Jade Jagger came in once when I was at Quo Vadis.

I wonder, did she know?

Felicity!

It's mad to think I could be spending next Christmas with them

in Turks and Caicos.

SHE SHRIEKS, THUDS TO THE GROUND

Whoa! Amanda!

Ow!

I just fell in the ha-ha!

Are you all right?

Yes, I am all right, Mal!

Why are you laughing?

You fell in the... HE LAUGHS

Who falls in a ha-ha?

Stop it! It's not funny!

You fell in a ha-ha, come on!

Get up!

Amanda! So sorry... Oh, my God!

Oh, you know what? Thank you so much for today.

Really.

It beats lying on a couch with a curry in Harlesden.

DOG BARKS

Is that Joan's dog?

Mummy?

Mummy!

Felicity!

Stuck in a ha-ha!

What? Ludo, wait, wait!

Ludo! LUDO WHINES

Huh? LUDO BARKS

Oh!

What do you say?

LUDO BARKS

Aha...

BARKING CONTINUES

Aha! Very Away In A Manger.

Oh!

I knew it was too good to last.

Well, you're the last one to be found,

so that makes you the winner!

Yes, bravo that girl.

I tell you what, I could do you a big scoop of the stilton

and I'll crack open a bottle of port.

Stop. We don't have to have port...

Just stop talking. PLEASE.

It's too much. It's Christmas. It's supposed to be too much.

No. You're too much.

All the joie de vivre, and endless glee and everything,

it's just... It's just...

Just stop. Please.

OK.

I shall stop.

Oh...

Please don't cry. I'm not crying.

Come on, Joany.

This is what happens when you stop -

the old black dog creeps in and...

Oh, come on, pull yourself together.

Pull yourself together, Joan.

Why are you being like this?

Well, because of you, Flick.

What nonsense.

Do you remember what they used to call us

on that ghastly old debutant circuit, hmm?

Great Hair and The Spare.

Actually, that's rather good.

Yes, it was all about the beautiful Felicity Wyndham,

and I was just the podgy little sister.

So I decided to be the life and soul of the party.

Hostess with the mostest, the last one standing at the barn dance.

And I can tell you something - after 60 bloody years, it's exhausting!

Why didn't you ever say anything before?

Oh...

Well, it took Amanda to twist your arm to get you down here.

Mummy?! Oh, it's her.

Oh! Yep...

Yes, we're here, we're here!

Oh... SHE CHUCKLES

There she is.

You know, I've spent the whole day trying to recreate

the perfect family Christmas.

But it turns out my whole life has been a lie.

Oh, for God's sake, Amanda. Stop being so melodramatic.

Look, let's go inside and do your moment with the pavlova.

Yes! No, Mummy.

I know your secret.

And I know Joan knows.

And that's why you didn't want to come here.

Because you were worried she'd...

..spill the beans.

What is she talking about?

Mummy, I've seen the photos.

I have in my hand the proof.

I'm Sir Mick Jagger's love child.

What?! Give those to me!

Give those to me.

LAUGHTER INTENSIFIES

That's not Mick Jagger!

That's our cousin Rosamund.

Oh, God! I mean, she was rather Jaggeresque, don't you think?

Look, with the slim hips and everything.

Oh, my God, did you get her round robin this year? No, I didn't.

They had to put down Pinky. Oh, no.

OK, so if Mick Jagger isn't holding your pregnant belly,

then what is the big deal?

Why didn't you want anyone to see them?

The thing is, I wasn't pregnant in this photograph, I was...

..fat.

What?! It was the '70s.

I'd just discovered black forest gateau.

And that's our big family secret?

That you were once fat for a summer?

Yes.

Though your father rather liked it,

and you were conceived on that holiday.

Oh, God!

I've just sent Georgia May Jagger a DM.

MAL CLEARS HIS THROAT

Can we, er...head back? My feet are freezing.

What was she thinking?

Sorry, Joany.

Oh, it's all right, it's all right. Honestly.

Merry Christmas!

If it's any consolation,

I always felt that Ma and Pa loved you more than they loved me.

Oh, well...

..I'd have swapped that any day for a go on a Hemswood brother.

Oooh!

DISCORDANT SINGING

Is that...? Is that singing?

Yes, it's Anne.

Comfort and JOY!

THUD! Ow!

She's fallen in the ha-ha.

She'll be fine. Come on.

..and then John McClane ties this hosepipe round his waist,

because he thinks the guy in the helicopter's going to shoot him,

so he's got no way out.

He ties himself in, nice and tight...

Is he topless?

No, no, no, but by this point he's down to his vest.

How is this a Christmas film?

What?!

You all right? Yeah.

I'm sorry Mick Jagger wasn't your father.

I... I just thought that...

..that I was special.

You are special.

Well, for what it's worth,

I'm sorry you didn't get to sleep with a Rolling Stone.

Oh, I did sleep with Mick once or twice back in the day

but not in a way you can get pregnant.

Right, everyone! We're going to do Amanda's photo!

Oh, Mummy. What?! Really?!

Mm-hm. Shall I get the pavlova? I can take the photo for you.

No! Guys, you're all in it! Come on.

There we go. Everyone ready?

I'll just do the timer. Hang on. We're all here...

Oh, no, the hat! I need a hat! Quickly, quickly! Hang on, hang on.

OK, everyone, quick, quick, quick! Come on, everyone!

Sh! Are we ready? Sh, sh, sh! Say cheese!

CHEEEEEEESE!

Oh, Anne!

There's a girl that likes a pudding!