Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew where you were then ♪

♪ girls were girls and men were men ♪

♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ gee, our old lasalle ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪♪

Michael, for heaven's sakes, will you relax? This is a celebration.

Some celebration. We've been waiting for over half an hour for your father.

There he is! Here we are, Archie! I see you there, Edith.

Geez. How's a guy supposed to find this dump, huh?

I've been wandering around the neighborhood for an hour.

Daddy, we gave you the address, and besides,

Michael told you just ask anyone for pasquale's.

I did ask for pasquale's. A guy takes me into a little joint.

Another guy tries to half-sole my shoes.

All right, daddy. I admit this isn't the

fanciest restaurant in town, but it's our treat.

Oh, gee. Yeah, that's right. You kids are springin' for the tab.

You sure you got enough money there, meathead?

I mean, dinner for four in a palace like this could cost maybe a buck.

Will you lay off, arch? It's ma's birthday.

Can't you have some respect for the occasion?

Come on. Edith and me, we never make no to-do about birthdays.

A birthday's just the same as any other day in the year, right, Edith?

Well, almost. What do you mean "almost"?

I always remember your birthday, Archie.

Well, I remembered yours. You did?

Certainly. I picked up the morning paper, there was the date there, and I remembered.

Thank you, Archie. That was very sweet of you.

You don't have to slobber me.

Daddy, don't you think you oughta propose a toast?

- A toast? For what? - For mom for her birthday.

That would be nice, Archie. I told you before.

Your mother and me don't make no fuss about birthdays. And can't we eat here?

Hey, waiter, could we have a menu over here? Before I read the menu,

Mrs. Bellini wrote down what I should order in an Italian restaurant.

Veal "scalo-piney."

Edith, is this my insurance payment here?

Oh, yeah. I must have forgot to mail it.

How could you forget? I gave it to you three days ago to mail.

- Well, she can mail it tomorrow, daddy. - Tomorrow's no good.

- The premium payment is due in here today. - What are you worried about?

- Every policy has a grace period. They give you 30 days. - This is the 30th day, meathead.

Don't you know that insurance companies live to cancel out guys like me?

What time is it? Lookit. It's quarter to 6:00.

It's a good thing the Friedman building is

only five blocks from here. I'm gonna hustle...

Over and shove it under the office door.

Daddy, think of mom. You're gonna ruin her whole birthday.

She ruined it herself by not mailing this thing! I'm sorry.

Archie's unbelievable. His wife's birthday.

- He doesn't have one ounce of sentiment about it. - Archie has lots of sentiment.

You just gotta know where to look for it.

- Eight, please. - Yeah. So long as I'm going to eight myself.

Wait, please! Hold it! I'm coming on!

Ah, let her get another car. Close those doors. We're in a hurry.

Oh, thank you so much. I hope I didn't hold you people up.

This is the slowest elevator in new York. I would've had to wait an hour.

Well, you didn't make it no faster just now.

Oh, has this been a day, I tell you. Nothing's gone right.

This elevator's the first thing I've caught

all day. When I left the house this morning,

I stubbed my toe and I couldn't run, so I missed the bus.

When I was in the ladies' room, my boss left for the day, so I missed getting paid.

- Would you press four, please? - Lady, we just passed five.

Today's a wipeout for you, ain't it?

Well, let me out at six.

What happened?

It would appear the elevator has stopped.

You figured that out, huh?

What are we gonna do? Take it easy, now. Let me try some of these buttons over here,

see if we can make it move.

No. No. Let's see. This, this, this.

No. Nothing. No action. Well, it looks like the elevator is stuck.

You figured that out, eh?

You mean that we're trapped between floors?

What are we gonna do? I wish I'd never come into this elevator.

Well, so do I, lady. It was him forcing that door open for you that caused it.

I didn't touch those doors. He opened the doors.

Yeah, well him or somebody...

Opened 'em, anyhow.

Tell 'em to put a lid on that Spanish back there, will ya? It's makin' me nervous.

They come here to live; You'd think they'd learn our language and our customs.

Well, why don't you tell 'em about it? You speak their lingo, don't ya?

What makes you think I speak their lingo?

Well, I figured you'd learn some of it livin' up in Harlem.

- What makes you think I live in Harlem? - You look it.

What makes you think?

Look. What are we gonna do? I mean, isn't anybody gonna get us out of here?

There's usually a telephone in these things. Open that little door on your side.

All right. Just let me handle everything, will ya?

There's usually a telephone in these things.

I'll just open this little door over here...

And find out.

Just as I thought. Here it is.

Senor. Yeah. Operator?

Senor. Operator? Get off my back there, will ya, "pee-dro"?

I'm tryin' to call somebody.

Senor. Senor. "Pee-dro." Hey, can somebody translate what I'm sayin' for this spick?

Is not necessary, mister. This, uh, "spick," uh, speak English.

Well, then, you oughta know i'm tryin' to call the operator here.

Operator? I tried to tell you there is no operator.

The telephone rings only in the janitor's room.

Well, the janitor's the guy i'm tryin' to get ahold of. I am the janitor.

So you are the janitor, are you? Yes. Carlos mendoza.

- This is my wife, serafina. - Mucho gusto.

- Hey. You're gonna have a baby. - You noticed.

- Do you have baby too? - Ah!

Tell your wife to can the comedy, huh? I'm Angelique McCarthy.

How do you do? Listen, sis. This ain't a cocktail party here.

- Forget the introductions, will you? - I'm fond of introductions.

- My name is Hugh Victor Thompson III. - How do you do?

- How do you do? - Hello.

And you? What's your name? I ain't gonna tell you my name.

Why? Is it a funny name?

No, it ain't a funny name. It's a name right out of American history.

- Bunker, as in the "battle of." - Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bunker hill.

No, it ain't that neither. It's just plain bunker.

Now, come on. Let's cut out the social "manunities" here, huh?

Hey, come on. You're the janitor around

here. Can't you do something to help us out?

Oh, yes, yes. I think there is one thing that I can think to do.

Well, come on. Do it.

- Our father, who art in heaven... - I don't mean that! Come on.

Please. Let me explain something to you, please.

This elevator breaks down very much, but nothing to worry about.

Sometimes it starts by himself. Sometimes

somebody push the button, and then it starts.

Good. Sometimes no.

Oh, gee. Hey, look. There's a trap door up there.

Now, can't you go through that trap door and get help? Yes, yes.

But it's very dangerous. It's better that you wait a few minutes.

I can't wait! I gotta get up to an office upstairs. Come on. Give us help quick.

- Help! Quick! Help! Quick! - Aw, geez. Jokes, jokes, jokes, jokes.

What are you laughin' about? It ain't funny.

I don't think it's funny either. I'm very upset.

Look. I don't wanna scare anyone, but I have been known to be hysterical.

I don't wanna hear. Tell the colored guy, huh?

You see, when things go wrong, I just fall apart. Little things.

Like if a package doesn't arrive on time from bloomingdale's, I could just...

Scratch somebody's eyes out.

Oh, really? Once, I saw a snake. They had to put me to bed for two days.

Being stuck in an elevator. Oh, hold me!

What? What is this? Hey, hey, hey! Hey, lady, get off me!

Listen. I'm a married guy. You hold me!

Get away! It's your fault. You never should've

been on this elevator in the first place.

What am I talkin'? I gotta get out of here.

So do I.

I have to deliver an address at the larchmont rotary club this evening.

- Who cares? - Larchmont cares.

I'm the vice chairman of the larchmont rotary. I live in larchmont.

Geez, I bet larchmont is poppin' its buttons over that.

Oh, geez! Oh, geez!

Hello.

What's the matter, bunker? Afraid to face the future?

Listen. We are wastin' time here.

Now, Pedro, you gotta go through that trap door and get help.

Okay. If it's gonna keep you quiet, I go get help.

Hey, good boy, Pedro. I'll give you a boost up there.

I am not a boy. I am a man. And my name is Carlos.

- "- Carlos" it is, Pedro. - Anything you say.

Get up there and go through the door to the next floor and get some help.

No. Leave him alone. Leave him alone there.

He's trying to get some help or something.

What's wrong, Mrs. mendoza? What's wrong?

Hey, sis. What's the matter with her? I hope it isn't what I think it is.

- What do you think it is? - I don't wanna think about it.

Sorry, mister. I can't reach the door. The elevator's too low.

Are they talking about what I think they're talking about?

I think that's what they're talking about.

People, people. Your wife is thinking about having the baby here,

you tell her to forget it!

We're in an elevator, for god's sakes. How far along is she?

Eight months.

That's too early, Pedro. No dice, tell her.

It's... it's not too early for serafina. This happened to us before.

We have Manolo on the way to coney island in a '52 studebaker.

Well, let's not try the same trick in a 1918 Otis elevator, huh?

- I'm getting hysterical! - Hey, people, people! Come on, now!

Tell your wife to put her mind on something else, understand?

Oh, yes. I understand. Serafina too. She understands.

But the baby, he don't understand. I think he gonna come anyway.

Oh, good night, nurse!

I wonder what's keeping Archie. Don't worry, ma.

He probably just had to fill out some forms for the insurance man.

Hey, ma. Sure, ma. You should be havin' fun. Drink your wine.

Oh, I wouldn't feel right startin' without Archie.

Go on, ma. It's all right.

- Well, maybe just a sip. - Sure. That's it.

There you go. That's the birthday girl.

- Mmm. That's kind of tasty. - Happy birthday, ma.

Happy birthday, ma. Oh, thank you, Gloria. Thank you, Mike.

I think I'll have another sip.

You know, that ain't bad at all.

Ma.

My, I didn't realize I was so thirsty.

Here. Let me pour you another glass. Michael.

Gloria, it's all right. It's just once a year.

Just to quench my thirst, Gloria. These bread sticks are awful dry.

Yeah. You're entitled, ma. It's your birthday.

Oh, thank you, Mike.

Oh, my! That's so good!

Well, look at me, will ya?

Me, with claustrophobia, acrophobia, 16 allergies and a duodenal ulcer,

and I'm still hanging together.

I can't believe it. Don't believe it. You ain't hangin' together that good.

Mr. Thompson, how long is it since the last pain?

About six minutes.

- Then they're coming faster. - This is nuts!

Don't get panicky, bunker. These people have had babies before.

Well, why can't they have 'em in a hospital? That's where I had mine.

I bet the hospital is still buzzing over that.

Mister, we already have three babies born in the hospital.

You hear that? Three ain't enough for him. He's gotta have another one in a car...

And now one in a building, between floors.

These people don't care where, when or how many.

They don't seem to be interested in learning

modern birth control methods, do they?

Oh, listen to this guy. If that ain't the black callin' the kettle "pot."

Mr. Thompson, that's not very nice. No harm intended, mendoza,

but it is a truism that you people do have

more children than you can normally handle.

My comment was purely socioeconomic... nothing personal.

Well, let me 'plain something to you, huh?

How many children we have is because we love each other.

You talk very intelligent, mister, but you not so smart.

Shut up your face.

Nothing personal.

Thataboy, Pedro. You tell him off.

You got to admit that larchmont here is partly right about youse p.R.S.

Mr. Bunker, we do not like to be called "p.R.S." We are Americans equal to you.

Equal to me? You ain't even equal to him.

- You ain't natural born there, Pedro. - Puerto Ricans are natural born.

Says who? In 1917, the congress of the United States says who.

We are very good citizens. ♪♪

Hold it. Hold it, Pedro. Now, when you sing that

song, you're supposed to sing it in American.

I mean, we have a little respect here for our national anthem.

Supposed to sing it the way it's wrote, and only on patriotic occasions...

Like ball games and that.

I wanna tell both of youse minorities something, see?

You're both runnin' neck and neck in the baby-makin' derby.

And no matter who wins the race, I lose.

Just a minute, bunker. What do you mean, you lose?

I mean, I lose my hard-earned dough payin' out welfare taxes.

I hand out more in tips than you pay in taxes.

I have lifted myself from a slum tenement in Newark, New Jersey...

To a four-bedroom, three-bathroom, split-level contemporary ranch house...

On a corner lot with twin elms in larchmont, New York.

And having said that, I should like to end this conversation.

Well, whoopee-di-do.

How long is it this time? It's almost two minutes shorter.

- They're coming faster. - Much faster.

It's going to happen. She's gonna have that

baby right here, right now, in this elevator.

- Can't somebody do something? - It's too late now! Somebody should've...

Talked to Pedro back when!

That's a funny story, ma.

Oh. Oh, your father was a scream when we was goin' steady.

Never a dull moment.

You didn't know him then, did you, Gloria?

No, ma. I didn't meet him till after you two were married.

Of course! You wasn't born till we met.

Ooh! Oh, till after we met.

Long after! I mean, he had to propose first.

Oh, wait!

Mmm.

Wait till you hear how he done that.

It was so funny.

It sounds funny.

- Well, ma? - "Well, ma" what?

Daddy's proposal of marriage... uh, Gloria,

look. I'm gettin' a little worried about Archie.

- He's been gone almost an hour. - Who's gone?

Archie. Archie's gone?

Oh, yeah!

I think ma's getting drunk. Yeah.

Uh, I'm going to go to that Friedman building,

see if I can get Archie out of that office.

- Ma, can you remember his name? - Archie bunker.

No, no, ma. I meant the insurance man.

Oh, it was a German name. Kraut something.

'Cause every time Archie got a bill, he says, "that kraut's puttin' the arm on me."

"Hinkelmeier." that's the one. Good. Hinkelmeier.

Hey, i-I'll be right back. I'll try to find 'im. Okay. Hurry, Michael.

- Ma, are you sure that's the name? - Oh, yeah. I'm sure.

That's the one. "Hinkelmeier."

Or "Swanson."

Easy, Mrs. Mendoza. Easy, now.

It will be very soon now. Easy.

Geez, I don't think I can get through this.

What are you so worried about a baby being born? It's a beautiful and natural thing.

- What? In an elevator? - Most men are squeamish about it. It's a funny thing.

You know, my own brother took a whole course in natural childbirth with his wife,

then he started watching the delivery and fainted dead away.

Oh. I ain't gonna faint.

Listen. During the war... and I mean the big one... I handled emergencies every day.

K.p. Or latrine duty?

When I was in the army air corps, them were the only two places...

We ever used to see youse guys.

As an officer in the intelligence service, I wouldn't have seen you at all.

Archie? Archie bunker? Hey! Hey! Hey, Mike! That you?

Where are you? Hey. Hey, Mike, we're stuck up here in an elevator.

All right. Hang on. I'm goin' for help. Yeah. All right. Hey. Hear that?

That was my son-in-law down there. He says hang on, he's goin' for help. So hang on.

You hang on there too, little lady.

All right. Hold my hand.

I think it's the baby. It's coming. Oh, no, no. Listen.

We're gonna be downstairs in a couple of minutes. Wait. "Hold-o." "Stop-o."

Don't you worry, Mrs. Mendoza. We're all here, and we're going to take care of you.

- We're all going to help, right, bunker? - Leave me out of this, huh?

- Hey, Mike, where the hell are ya? - Hold my hand here.

And you push.

Push. Oh, for heaven's sake!

- Will you look at that? - It's remarkable, absolutely remarkable!

Now, you hold my hand and push. Come on. Push.

It's remarkable! Remarkable!

Hey, I need something clean to put the baby on.

- Do you have a newspaper, please? - Bunker, you have a newspaper.

Yeah. I got the daily news. It figures.

Oh, Mr. Mendoza, you're marvelous. Look how he does that just like a doctor!

It's extraordinary, quite extraordinary!

Mr. Bunker, come and look. You mustn't miss this. I seen it in the movies.

Bunker, you should bear witness to this. It's an absolute miracle.

I know that, Thompson. Just tell me when it's over, huh?

- You're missing something unique. - - It's fantastic!

Here it comes. Here it comes. Now, watch the head.

- Be careful. - Watch the shoulders.

Look at this! Look at that!

Mr. Bunker, he's perfect!

I hear.

Ain't it supposed to cry or nothin'?

That sounds kosher.

Mr. Bunker, come see my son.

You got a little boy, huh?

Oh, it was unbelievable. You should've been there.

The elevator opens up, and there's five people

standing there and a brand-new baby boy!

It was born right there in the elevator! Born in the elevator? A baby?

Yeah. It was incredible. And the father, he was so happy, he was jumpin' up and down,

huggin' and kissin' everyone, includin' Archie.

Daddy, did you really see the baby being born?

How could you miss it in an elevator?

- And you helped? - I was there.

Daddy, don't be so modest! You helped deliver a baby! Wow!

Well, I don't wanna make myself out no kind of surgeon or anything,

but, uh, I know how to handle myself in emergencies, that's all.

I was the only one that had the daily news when it was needed.

Daddy, we're all so proud of you.

Well, I come out of it pretty good, I think.

But that baby wasn't the only one born today, you know.

Someone else has got a birthday around here. We're celebratin' it now.

And I wanna propose a toast now.

- I thought you didn't believe in toasts, daddy. - That was before.

Edith...

You're blasted out of your mind.

What a nice toast, Archie. Thank you.

Oh, boy. That was good, huh? Yeah. It ain't such a bad restaurant after all.

I ate so much, my legs are full.

- Ma, happy birthday. - Yeah. Happy birthday, ma.

Look at Edith. She's all excited.

Well, just because this is such a very special

occasion, I am gonna spring for the tab.

- No, daddy. Let Michael do it. - Wait. I said I was gonna treat. - No, meathead. Let me do this.

Now, let me do this. Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

I forgot to put the insurance payment under the door to the Friedman building.

- I gotta hustle over there. - Forget that. What are you doin'?

I gotta get over there right away. Watch your mother before she hits the floor, huh?

All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.