All language subtitles for Two.Doors.Down.S06E05.Aussie.Holiday.1080p.iP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-VTM_track3_[eng]

HORN BEEPS

Two ticks.

This programme contains
some strong language

HORN BEEPS

You'll need to move up a bit.

What's he doing?

All right, on you go.

No, let them go in.
Eh?

What are you doing? Phoning him. Ah.

PHONE RINGS

Aye? Look, we're
going to take them to the airport.

So we need to be able to get out.

Let them go in first,
then you go in.

OK.
Bye.

How's he doing?

Right.

Here he comes.

Go on, then.

I'll just move forward a bit.

Good. Bloomin' 'eck.

It'll be you needs the holiday
after all that,

Mr Baird.

Uh-huh. Am I all right there?

Or do you want me to...? It's fine.

Thanks so much for letting
us leave our car.

Oh. Yeah, thanks so much.
Oh, my God.

My mum and dad have got
that exact same sideboard.

Oh, really?

They keep all their glasses
and plates in it.

Wow.
Right.

OK, well,

in you come, sit yourselves down.

Listen,

it's really good of you doing this.

Saves on paying for the long stay.

Oh, it's no problem.
It's ridiculous what

they wanted to charge us to park.

Ridiculous.
Totally ridiculous.

I haven't seen you for ages, Morven.

I know. And I don't think I've met
you before, Lin,

have I? No, you have.

Remember? Our flat warming?

Oh, now... She broke the lamp.

Yes, right.

I was doing a handstand.

But you weren't with Morven,
then, were you?

No, I was with Roisin.

Oh, right.

And how long is the flight to
Australia? About 22 hours.

Jeezo! I hope you've got a good
book.

I'm going to take Valium.

I'm sure it'll be worth
it when you get there.

Yeah. This past year has been a
nightmare with work.

Can't wait to get a break.

It's social work
you do, isn't it?

Yeah.
It's just so full-on.

It's just all the cuts.

I'm doing, like, three people's
jobs.

I've been so busy, too.

So stressed.

What is it you do, Lin?

I'm studying textiles.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Excuse me a second.
Ian,

get the girls a cup of tea.
Yeah.

Hey.

Christine.
Hello, Beth.

Is that the pair of females here?

Yes.
Oh, good.

I've looked out a couple of bits
and pieces for their trip

that I thought
they might like to have.

Oh, that's very kind of you.

Do you want me to pass them on?

I'll just come and say a quick
hello.

Obviously, I know Ian and Gordon,
but I've never actually met

any off the other team.

Hi, Christine.
Hello, Gordon.

And hello to you two ladies.

- Hello.
- Hi.

This is Christine, my neighbour.

She lives next door.

She's got long hair.

I didn't expect that.

What's that you've got?

Oh, just a few bits that
I had in the house that I thought

might come in handy for their trip.

Oh, that's so nice of you.

Thrombosis socks, an inflatable neck
pillow, and a two pin adaptor.

Oh, thanks.

Now, make sure you shove that right
into the socket, because I used

it with a travel iron in the Algarve

and it lit me up like the Ready Brek
kid.

Well, thanks.

I think we've got all our bits
and bobs like that.

Oh, just hang on to them.

I mean, those socks might come
in handy if you're wearing a welly.

Oh, really?

Oh, well, that's
what I've been using them for.

So how are you, Christine?

Oh, not bad.

Not bad, Gordon.

I've actually been looking
at holidays myself as it happens.

Oh, really?
Where were you thinking of going?

Hadrian's Wall.

Oh, that will be nice.

There is the option of adding
on a weekend in Carlisle,

but I don't know if I could cope
with a city break at my age.

So it's Melbourne you're flying
to, is it?

Yeah.
That's a long flight.

It is, yeah.

What is it, ten hours? 22.

22 hours?!

That'll fucking destroy you!

I did five on coach to St Annes and
I had absolutely

no feeling in my arse till
the following evening.

How are you travelling about or

are you just staying in the one
place?

We do a week in
Melbourne.

Then we go up to Sydney,
on to the Gold Coast, and then a

week in the outback.

- Oh, wow.
- Fantastic.

Amazing.

Took ages to work out
the itinerary.

You have to have a plan.

How long are you going for?
Six weeks.

Lucky buggers, eh?
Six weeks.

Time to really let your hair down.

That's nearly two months.

Well, a month and a half.

That's a proper break, that.

No, it is Beth, it is. You know
all your plants

will be dead?

Oh. I'm going to go in and look
after them.

I've got a set of keys.

You've given him keys?

It sounds absolutely wonderful,
girls.

And I am sure Gordon will keep
an eye on everything for you.

Do you know where the stopcock
is?

So what are you looking forward to
the most, then? Bondi Beach for me.

Oh, Bondi Beach.

I mean, that's meant to be one
of the best beaches in the world.

It's a bit touristy, but we'll go
and see it.

Just to say we've been.

Yeah, we'll go and see it.

But I'm not going in the water.

Oh. Not up for a bit of surfing?

No, I don't want to get
eaten by a shark.

You're not going to get
eaten by a shark.

How do you know?

They've got nets up to protect you.
They've got shark nets.

If they can tear somebody's leg
off, a wee bit of net's not

going to stop them.

There's actually more people die
being attacked by hippos

than there is by sharks.

Is there?

If you get any problems,
you get the lifeguards.

Oh, the big Aussie lifeguards...
Which I'm sure you have absolutely

no interest in.

You're going to have a brilliant
time.

There's nothing to worry about.

It's the trip of a lifetime.

Absolutely right, Mr Baird.

How is she with spiders?

There we go.

Thanks very much for that.
That's fine.

No problem.
So, are you all set, then?

Pretty much.

Can't believe we're actually going.

I feel like we've been getting
ready for it for months.

Oh, I don't envy you

packing for six weeks, though. I'm
bad enough when I'm going

away for a fortnight.

CHATTER

I was just saying I don't envy

the girls packing for six weeks
away.

Well, it wasn't too bad.

Have you weighed your bags?

You'll need to watch
because they charge you an arm

and a leg if you're over.
Don't they?

Aye.

Then you've got to get your cases
opened up in front of everybody,

your toiletries strewn everywhere
and wee boys looking

at your knickers.

There was a man on our flight
to Gran Canaria, had to open

up his bag, and all he had inside

was cartons of UHT milk and a
hammer.

I hope mine's OK. It did feel quite
heavy when I was putting it in

the car. Eric, go up and get the
scales and then the girls

can weigh their bags.

Oh, listen, we don't want
to put you to any bother.

Better safe than sorry.
Come on,

we'll go out to the car and bring
them in.

Is she sure Eric knows
where the scales are, eh?

Let's get this.

So, are you boys thinking of going
any holidays this year, then?

I think we might hire
a camper van and go up north.

Oh, that's nice.

And will you go a proper
holiday after that?

Right.

Here we are.

Right.

Bring them in.

What do you think, Ian? That's a
nice big charcoal one, that,

isn't it? It's nice, isn't it?
TK Maxx.

Very similar to

that one they found down by the
river with a body in it.

Right. This one first.
Whose is this?

That's mine. It's quite exciting,
this.

THEY STRAIN

It's 30.

Just under 30. What's your
allowance?

30 kilos. Hey-hey.
That's all right.

You're fine, then.

I can just see a body curled up
in that, Beth.

Foetal position.

All right.

Right...

Does it feel heavy?

Let them do it.

Oh, it's about over.

Oh, no. What's it saying?

How much over is she, Ian?

It's 35. Oh, for God's sake!
That is miles over.

If you limit's 30,
then you're five kilos over.

Five kilos?

That can't be right.

Well, that's what's saying.

What are we going to do?

You're going to have to take
some stuff out. Oh, no.

Look, it's only five kilos.

Just take some stuff out
that you don't need.

Right, do you need a hand with that,
Lin? No, it's fine.

I'm fine, thank you.

Me and Ian usually share a case
when we go away.

That's handy.

You don't share underwear
as well, though, do you?

No... No, we don't do that.

UNZIPPING

CHRISTINE: Oh, Jesus Christ.
What a fucking mess!

Right, I've got a hairdryer.

You don't need to take one as well.
But I like my hairdryer.

You're five kilos over.

You're going to have to
leave something.

Anything you don't take
you can just leave here

and I'll keep for you.

I'll take anything perishable,
girls.

I don't know what else.

Look, what's the heaviest
thing you've got? Eh...

Shoes. How many pairs of shoes
have you got?

Oh, nice fresh set of pants there.

Though I would maybe have went for
a darker colour

since you're away for six weeks.

OK. Sandals, flip-flops, trainers.

My wedges.

What are you needing wedges for?

It's just in case we go out
anywhere fancy.

We're not going anywhere fancy.

OK.

OK. Do you think that's enough?

Oh, hang on.

What is that?

It's just some damp washing I didn't
get a chance to dry. Oh, God...

Oh, for God's sake. I know what I'd
be leaving behind if I was her.

Right, come on, let's weigh it
again.

ZIPPING

Ow!

Right.

Excuse me. Right...

How much do you think that body
would have weighed, Beth?

It's still a tiny bit over.

ALL GROAN

Oh, Lord. But how much?

Because if it's only a little bit,
then maybe it won't matter.

Oh, I wouldn't chance it.

Right, give me one of your books.
What?

Take one of your books out

and I'll put it in my hand luggage.
Good idea.

Oh...

That's that now. It's fine now!

Yeah! Oh... Tremendous. Thank you.
Thank you for that.

I'm really sorry. Sorry, everyone.

Och, you're all right.
You can relax now.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, Eric, would you get
that, please?

Oh, hi, Colin.

All right, esquire! Whose is
the wee Fiat?

Oh, Morvin and Lin, Ian's pals.

Oh, I see.

I thought you'd maybe bought
Beth a wee runaround.

Oh, no, no.

Still working with the old Vectra
between you? Never mind.

Well, they're away their holiday,

so they're leaving their car here
for a few weeks.

The boys are going to run them to
the airport. Are they a couple?

Aye, they are.

Are they in now? Yes.

What are they like?

Quite butch?
No, they're just ordinary girls.

Ach, well, I'll come on, then.

Hey...

Oh... Hi, Colin.

This is Lin. We've just been
sorting out her suitcase.

Ah, right. Off on your holibags.

Yeah. Australia. Australia, eh?

Going to the land down under? Yeah.

And this is Morven,
she's my partner. Hi.

They're a couple, Colin.
Same as them.

So I was hearing.

All the bases covered in here
the day!

Colin's a neighbour. I think I might
have told you about him.

Ah, right.

So, Australia, eh?

Yeah. We're flying to Melbourne
tonight.

Wow.

22-hour flight, Colin.

The toilets will weigh
more than the suitcases

by the time they get there.

They taking you to the airport,
are they? Yeah.

They've left a key for their house
with Gordon.

You've left a key with him?

Well, we don't really get
on with the neighbours, so...

I see. Do they no' approve?

You'll maybe need to try and act
straight

if you go over there, Gordon.

Eric, can you get rid of this,
please?

ERIC CLEARS HIS THROAT

So, are you doing a stopover?

No. I tell you where's good
for a stopover - Bangkok.

You ever been there? No, I've not.

That's some place, that. Mind you,
there's a lot of folk there

just for the one thing.

It's a fucking free-for-all
oot there.

Remember, we saw that in Channel 5,
Beth,

that night club wi' the wee cabins.
Pfft!

Actually, it's the cleaners
that I feel sorry for.

It's a shame because, you know,
it's a beautiful country.

Hankies not even in the bin,
Gordon!

Did you see quite a lot of it, then?
Well, not really,

but I got a four-handed massage
for three quid.

The beaches in Thailand
are meant to be beautiful.

I'd love to go to Ko Samui.

Well, that's a famous one, that.

Aye, but Australia itself,

I mean, they've got some of the best
beaches in the world there. True.

True. The Gold Coast. Oh, aye.

I'll tell you where takes
a lot of beating.

Blackpool.

You ever been here, girls?

No.

Oh!

Now, THAT is a beach!

You have your choice of piers
as well.

So how long are you going for?

Six weeks. Six weeks. Wow!

It's this all your stuff there,
is it?

Listen, you'll need to watch the
weight with them

because they'll charge you
a fortune if you're over.

We weighed them for them
on our scales.

Your bathroom scales? Yes.

Not get proper luggage scales?
Look, it's fine.

We've taken some stuff out of
Lin's case

so I think we'll be OK.

Hers was a disgrace, Colin.

You want to have seen the
state of it!

Anyway... I've got actual luggage
scales.

Do you want me to go get them?
Honestly, it's fine.

Two ticks I'll go and bring them in.

You don't want to get stung before
you've even got on the plane.

I mean, come on. That's your holiday
ruined before it's even started.

Tell you what -

if you do fancy Blackpool,

there's no weight limit
on the coach.

Do you watch Border Force?

No.

Oh, they film that in Australia.

In fact, have you got any meat
in your bags?

Erm...

I don't think so.

Oh, that's a shame.

Yous could have been on it.

They're quite strict about what you
can bring into Australia,

aren't they? Oh, mega. Mega.

If you get frisked, would you prefer
a man or a woman to do it?

Sorry? Ohh...

You see, I'd prefer to be touched
by one of my own.

But if you're the other way,

would you rather it was a man
that did it?

Or do you just don't want anything
to do with them at all?

Okey dokey. Here we go.

And see what else I found. Ohh!

What's this? It's a couple of cans
of Foster's. It's Australian.

What did you bring them in here for?

Just to get them
in the holiday mood, you know?

I think I'll just get
something at the airport.

Oh, come on. You're on your
holidays.

I'll have a wee bit of one.
There you go.

Christine, do you fancy one?

I'll tell you what,
why don't we share them out?

Beth, stick them in some
glasses.

Right, let's get those cases
seen to.

Whose is whose? That one's mine.

Right, OK. Yeah, I'd do that one.

That was the one that was over.

OK.

What's it saying?

It's saying 28.

28?! That's good.

Put it down and do it again.
Just to make sure.

OK.

Aye, 28.

Does that mean I can put
my stuff back in?

Yeah, well, some of it.

Two kilos' worth.

I'm going to put my wedges in.

Right.

Because we could go someplace
nice,

even if it's just for noodles
or something.

There must be something wrong
with your scales, Mr Baird.

There will be, if he's been on them.

What's this?

There's a discrepancy
between your scales and Colin's,

which means Lin can now take
her wedge shoes to Australia.

OK, done.

Good stuff.

You want me to weigh yours?

No, mine is fine.

In fact, let's just take them
out to the car,

so we're ready to go.

Aye, good idea. I'll take yours,
Lin.

She's strong, isn't she?

No, no. You're letting us leave
our car.

You've made us teas, and I'm leaving
my bag of washing here.

Not at all. Don't be daft!

Is it sterling you've got there,
Lin?

Uh-huh.

Take a tenner off her Beth.

No! Lin, there's absolutely
no need.

Keep that for your holiday.

Oh, right.

That you all sorted? Yeah. Thanks.

And thanks so much for helping
us with everything.

Och, no problem.
No problem at all.

Right, will we get a wee taste of
the amber nectar

before you head off, girls?
Oh, go on, then.

Oh, yes. Well, eh, cheers.

ALL: Cheers.

Oh...

Here, Eric, do you remember
Castlemaine?

Oh, aye! Castlemaine XXXX.

That's it.
Do you remember that, Lin?

I'm not sure I do, actually.

The four X's stood for "fuck".

F-U-C-K - fuck.

Australian wine's very good too.

We're actually booked to do
a tour of a vineyard.

Aye? What one? I can't remember
what it's called.

Is it Blossom Hill?

Right, well, uh, here's to your
holiday, girls.

Here's to your holiday.

So, Melbourne first stop, is it?

Yeah. Melbourne.

Here, do you know what they
filmed there?

# Neighbours... #

Oh-ho-ho!

SOME OTHERS JOIN IN:
# Everybody needs good neighbours

# With a little understanding

# You can find the perfect blend

# Neighbours should be there
for one another

# That's when good neighbours
become good friends! #

Yay! I love that.

Yes, I like Neighbours.

Kylie Minogue was in that.
You'll like Kylie, you too.

You know who I always had my
suspicions about?

Mrs Mangel.

Husband nowhere in sight.

Didnae like kids.

And hair kept to a manageable
length.

I think we should start
making a move.

Prisoner: Cell Block H.
That was another one.

That was all women in that.
You would have liked that.

Right, whenever you want.

Are you away?

Yeah, we need to watch our time.
We're cutting it a bit fine.

Ach, well, fair enough.
Now, have you got everything?

Yeah. Our cases are in the car
and we've just got

our hand luggage there.

Have you weighed them? Oh, come on.
Gie us a break!

I'm telling you, there's limits
in that as well.

Is there?

Yeah, it's ten kilos, but as long
as it fits in the overhead bit.

Mine is a wee bit heavy, though.

Let me feel it.

Oh... What have you got in here?

I can take some stuff out.

Irn-Bru? What are you going to do
with these?

You can't even take them through.
Oh, can you not? No!

It's just a thing to give
to Roisin.

What?

She's missing Irn-Bru, so I thought
I'd bring some.

Are you kidding me on?

To be fair, pet, if you've been
brung up wi' Irn-Bru,

it's very hard to come off it.

When are you going to see Roisin?
Maybe when we're in Brisbane.

We're meeting Roisin? In Brisbane?

You don't have to come.

I can just go
and meet her on my own.

Oh, right, you want to go and meet
your ex on your own?

It's all right if I come
on the flight,

or would you prefer to do that
on your own, too?

I'll tell you what.
Why don't you go on your own?

I'll stay here, and you can go
to Australia.

There's nothing going on. I was just
trying to do something nice.

Look, it's just
a wee misunderstanding.

Don't let it spoil your holiday.

Give me your bag. What?
Give me your bag,

till I see what other crap
you've got in there.

Right.

You don't need that. Hmm?

You don't need that.

You can't take that.
That's over 100ml.

And why...why are you taking
an umbrella?

You never know.

Let's just go.

If you head off now,
you'll miss the rush-hour traffic.

Oh, yeah. Don't want to get stuck
in that.

That would spoil the holiday mood.

Uh...

Boys...

Safe journey. Have a lovely time.

Dusty Springfield.

That's another one.

Clare Balding.

That's right.

She's no' let it hold her back,
though. Oh, no, no.

Fiona Bruce...maybe?

Possibly.

Actually, quite a deep voice.

Mm-hm.

Oh, is that them away, then?

Yes, that's them away.

Oh, six weeks in the sunshine.

Fancy that.

I know. Lucky things.

I tell you, fair play to them.

Some amount of organising,
a trip like that.

Oh, God, I know! We can hardly book
a week in Spain between us.

I like Spain.

You can buy Irn-Bru in the shops
there.

What's this?

Oh... Oh, sh...

# Walking on the beaches
Looking at the peaches

# Well, there goes another one
Just lying down on the sand dunes

# I better go take a swim

# And see if I can cool down
a little bit

# Cos you and me, woman

# We got a lot of things on our mind

# You know what I mean... #