Original subtitles

HORN BEEPS

Two ticks.

This programme contains some strong language

HORN BEEPS

You'll need to move up a bit.

What's he doing?

All right, on you go.

No, let them go in. Eh?

What are you doing? Phoning him. Ah.

PHONE RINGS

Aye? Look, we're going to take them to the airport.

So we need to be able to get out.

Let them go in first, then you go in.

OK. Bye.

How's he doing?

Right.

Here he comes.

Go on, then.

I'll just move forward a bit.

Good. Bloomin' 'eck.

It'll be you needs the holiday after all that,

Mr Baird.

Uh-huh. Am I all right there?

Or do you want me to...? It's fine.

Thanks so much for letting us leave our car.

Oh. Yeah, thanks so much. Oh, my God.

My mum and dad have got that exact same sideboard.

Oh, really?

They keep all their glasses and plates in it.

Wow. Right.

OK, well,

in you come, sit yourselves down.

Listen,

it's really good of you doing this.

Saves on paying for the long stay.

Oh, it's no problem. It's ridiculous what

they wanted to charge us to park.

Ridiculous. Totally ridiculous.

I haven't seen you for ages, Morven.

I know. And I don't think I've met you before, Lin,

have I? No, you have.

Remember? Our flat warming?

Oh, now... She broke the lamp.

Yes, right.

I was doing a handstand.

But you weren't with Morven, then, were you?

No, I was with Roisin.

Oh, right.

And how long is the flight to Australia? About 22 hours.

Jeezo! I hope you've got a good book.

I'm going to take Valium.

I'm sure it'll be worth it when you get there.

Yeah. This past year has been a nightmare with work.

Can't wait to get a break.

It's social work you do, isn't it?

Yeah. It's just so full-on.

It's just all the cuts.

I'm doing, like, three people's jobs.

I've been so busy, too.

So stressed.

What is it you do, Lin?

I'm studying textiles.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Excuse me a second. Ian,

get the girls a cup of tea. Yeah.

Hey.

Christine. Hello, Beth.

Is that the pair of females here?

Yes. Oh, good.

I've looked out a couple of bits and pieces for their trip

that I thought they might like to have.

Oh, that's very kind of you.

Do you want me to pass them on?

I'll just come and say a quick hello.

Obviously, I know Ian and Gordon, but I've never actually met

any off the other team.

Hi, Christine. Hello, Gordon.

And hello to you two ladies.

- Hello. - Hi.

This is Christine, my neighbour.

She lives next door.

She's got long hair.

I didn't expect that.

What's that you've got?

Oh, just a few bits that I had in the house that I thought

might come in handy for their trip.

Oh, that's so nice of you.

Thrombosis socks, an inflatable neck pillow, and a two pin adaptor.

Oh, thanks.

Now, make sure you shove that right into the socket, because I used

it with a travel iron in the Algarve

and it lit me up like the Ready Brek kid.

Well, thanks.

I think we've got all our bits and bobs like that.

Oh, just hang on to them.

I mean, those socks might come in handy if you're wearing a welly.

Oh, really?

Oh, well, that's what I've been using them for.

So how are you, Christine?

Oh, not bad.

Not bad, Gordon.

I've actually been looking at holidays myself as it happens.

Oh, really? Where were you thinking of going?

Hadrian's Wall.

Oh, that will be nice.

There is the option of adding on a weekend in Carlisle,

but I don't know if I could cope with a city break at my age.

So it's Melbourne you're flying to, is it?

Yeah. That's a long flight.

It is, yeah.

What is it, ten hours? 22.

22 hours?!

That'll fucking destroy you!

I did five on coach to St Annes and I had absolutely

no feeling in my arse till the following evening.

How are you travelling about or

are you just staying in the one place?

We do a week in Melbourne.

Then we go up to Sydney, on to the Gold Coast, and then a

week in the outback.

- Oh, wow. - Fantastic.

Amazing.

Took ages to work out the itinerary.

You have to have a plan.

How long are you going for? Six weeks.

Lucky buggers, eh? Six weeks.

Time to really let your hair down.

That's nearly two months.

Well, a month and a half.

That's a proper break, that.

No, it is Beth, it is. You know all your plants

will be dead?

Oh. I'm going to go in and look after them.

I've got a set of keys.

You've given him keys?

It sounds absolutely wonderful, girls.

And I am sure Gordon will keep an eye on everything for you.

Do you know where the stopcock is?

So what are you looking forward to the most, then? Bondi Beach for me.

Oh, Bondi Beach.

I mean, that's meant to be one of the best beaches in the world.

It's a bit touristy, but we'll go and see it.

Just to say we've been.

Yeah, we'll go and see it.

But I'm not going in the water.

Oh. Not up for a bit of surfing?

No, I don't want to get eaten by a shark.

You're not going to get eaten by a shark.

How do you know?

They've got nets up to protect you. They've got shark nets.

If they can tear somebody's leg off, a wee bit of net's not

going to stop them.

There's actually more people die being attacked by hippos

than there is by sharks.

Is there?

If you get any problems, you get the lifeguards.

Oh, the big Aussie lifeguards... Which I'm sure you have absolutely

no interest in.

You're going to have a brilliant time.

There's nothing to worry about.

It's the trip of a lifetime.

Absolutely right, Mr Baird.

How is she with spiders?

There we go.

Thanks very much for that. That's fine.

No problem. So, are you all set, then?

Pretty much.

Can't believe we're actually going.

I feel like we've been getting ready for it for months.

Oh, I don't envy you

packing for six weeks, though. I'm bad enough when I'm going

away for a fortnight.

CHATTER

I was just saying I don't envy

the girls packing for six weeks away.

Well, it wasn't too bad.

Have you weighed your bags?

You'll need to watch because they charge you an arm

and a leg if you're over. Don't they?

Aye.

Then you've got to get your cases opened up in front of everybody,

your toiletries strewn everywhere and wee boys looking

at your knickers.

There was a man on our flight to Gran Canaria, had to open

up his bag, and all he had inside

was cartons of UHT milk and a hammer.

I hope mine's OK. It did feel quite heavy when I was putting it in

the car. Eric, go up and get the scales and then the girls

can weigh their bags.

Oh, listen, we don't want to put you to any bother.

Better safe than sorry. Come on,

we'll go out to the car and bring them in.

Is she sure Eric knows where the scales are, eh?

Let's get this.

So, are you boys thinking of going any holidays this year, then?

I think we might hire a camper van and go up north.

Oh, that's nice.

And will you go a proper holiday after that?

Right.

Here we are.

Right.

Bring them in.

What do you think, Ian? That's a nice big charcoal one, that,

isn't it? It's nice, isn't it? TK Maxx.

Very similar to

that one they found down by the river with a body in it.

Right. This one first. Whose is this?

That's mine. It's quite exciting, this.

THEY STRAIN

It's 30.

Just under 30. What's your allowance?

30 kilos. Hey-hey. That's all right.

You're fine, then.

I can just see a body curled up in that, Beth.

Foetal position.

All right.

Right...

Does it feel heavy?

Let them do it.

Oh, it's about over.

Oh, no. What's it saying?

How much over is she, Ian?

It's 35. Oh, for God's sake! That is miles over.

If you limit's 30, then you're five kilos over.

Five kilos?

That can't be right.

Well, that's what's saying.

What are we going to do?

You're going to have to take some stuff out. Oh, no.

Look, it's only five kilos.

Just take some stuff out that you don't need.

Right, do you need a hand with that, Lin? No, it's fine.

I'm fine, thank you.

Me and Ian usually share a case when we go away.

That's handy.

You don't share underwear as well, though, do you?

No... No, we don't do that.

UNZIPPING

CHRISTINE: Oh, Jesus Christ. What a fucking mess!

Right, I've got a hairdryer.

You don't need to take one as well. But I like my hairdryer.

You're five kilos over.

You're going to have to leave something.

Anything you don't take you can just leave here

and I'll keep for you.

I'll take anything perishable, girls.

I don't know what else.

Look, what's the heaviest thing you've got? Eh...

Shoes. How many pairs of shoes have you got?

Oh, nice fresh set of pants there.

Though I would maybe have went for a darker colour

since you're away for six weeks.

OK. Sandals, flip-flops, trainers.

My wedges.

What are you needing wedges for?

It's just in case we go out anywhere fancy.

We're not going anywhere fancy.

OK.

OK. Do you think that's enough?

Oh, hang on.

What is that?

It's just some damp washing I didn't get a chance to dry. Oh, God...

Oh, for God's sake. I know what I'd be leaving behind if I was her.

Right, come on, let's weigh it again.

ZIPPING

Ow!

Right.

Excuse me. Right...

How much do you think that body would have weighed, Beth?

It's still a tiny bit over.

ALL GROAN

Oh, Lord. But how much?

Because if it's only a little bit, then maybe it won't matter.

Oh, I wouldn't chance it.

Right, give me one of your books. What?

Take one of your books out

and I'll put it in my hand luggage. Good idea.

Oh...

That's that now. It's fine now!

Yeah! Oh... Tremendous. Thank you. Thank you for that.

I'm really sorry. Sorry, everyone.

Och, you're all right. You can relax now.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, Eric, would you get that, please?

Oh, hi, Colin.

All right, esquire! Whose is the wee Fiat?

Oh, Morvin and Lin, Ian's pals.

Oh, I see.

I thought you'd maybe bought Beth a wee runaround.

Oh, no, no.

Still working with the old Vectra between you? Never mind.

Well, they're away their holiday,

so they're leaving their car here for a few weeks.

The boys are going to run them to the airport. Are they a couple?

Aye, they are.

Are they in now? Yes.

What are they like?

Quite butch? No, they're just ordinary girls.

Ach, well, I'll come on, then.

Hey...

Oh... Hi, Colin.

This is Lin. We've just been sorting out her suitcase.

Ah, right. Off on your holibags.

Yeah. Australia. Australia, eh?

Going to the land down under? Yeah.

And this is Morven, she's my partner. Hi.

They're a couple, Colin. Same as them.

So I was hearing.

All the bases covered in here the day!

Colin's a neighbour. I think I might have told you about him.

Ah, right.

So, Australia, eh?

Yeah. We're flying to Melbourne tonight.

Wow.

22-hour flight, Colin.

The toilets will weigh more than the suitcases

by the time they get there.

They taking you to the airport, are they? Yeah.

They've left a key for their house with Gordon.

You've left a key with him?

Well, we don't really get on with the neighbours, so...

I see. Do they no' approve?

You'll maybe need to try and act straight

if you go over there, Gordon.

Eric, can you get rid of this, please?

ERIC CLEARS HIS THROAT

So, are you doing a stopover?

No. I tell you where's good for a stopover - Bangkok.

You ever been there? No, I've not.

That's some place, that. Mind you, there's a lot of folk there

just for the one thing.

It's a fucking free-for-all oot there.

Remember, we saw that in Channel 5, Beth,

that night club wi' the wee cabins. Pfft!

Actually, it's the cleaners that I feel sorry for.

It's a shame because, you know, it's a beautiful country.

Hankies not even in the bin, Gordon!

Did you see quite a lot of it, then? Well, not really,

but I got a four-handed massage for three quid.

The beaches in Thailand are meant to be beautiful.

I'd love to go to Ko Samui.

Well, that's a famous one, that.

Aye, but Australia itself,

I mean, they've got some of the best beaches in the world there. True.

True. The Gold Coast. Oh, aye.

I'll tell you where takes a lot of beating.

Blackpool.

You ever been here, girls?

No.

Oh!

Now, THAT is a beach!

You have your choice of piers as well.

So how long are you going for?

Six weeks. Six weeks. Wow!

It's this all your stuff there, is it?

Listen, you'll need to watch the weight with them

because they'll charge you a fortune if you're over.

We weighed them for them on our scales.

Your bathroom scales? Yes.

Not get proper luggage scales? Look, it's fine.

We've taken some stuff out of Lin's case

so I think we'll be OK.

Hers was a disgrace, Colin.

You want to have seen the state of it!

Anyway... I've got actual luggage scales.

Do you want me to go get them? Honestly, it's fine.

Two ticks I'll go and bring them in.

You don't want to get stung before you've even got on the plane.

I mean, come on. That's your holiday ruined before it's even started.

Tell you what -

if you do fancy Blackpool,

there's no weight limit on the coach.

Do you watch Border Force?

No.

Oh, they film that in Australia.

In fact, have you got any meat in your bags?

Erm...

I don't think so.

Oh, that's a shame.

Yous could have been on it.

They're quite strict about what you can bring into Australia,

aren't they? Oh, mega. Mega.

If you get frisked, would you prefer a man or a woman to do it?

Sorry? Ohh...

You see, I'd prefer to be touched by one of my own.

But if you're the other way,

would you rather it was a man that did it?

Or do you just don't want anything to do with them at all?

Okey dokey. Here we go.

And see what else I found. Ohh!

What's this? It's a couple of cans of Foster's. It's Australian.

What did you bring them in here for?

Just to get them in the holiday mood, you know?

I think I'll just get something at the airport.

Oh, come on. You're on your holidays.

I'll have a wee bit of one. There you go.

Christine, do you fancy one?

I'll tell you what, why don't we share them out?

Beth, stick them in some glasses.

Right, let's get those cases seen to.

Whose is whose? That one's mine.

Right, OK. Yeah, I'd do that one.

That was the one that was over.

OK.

What's it saying?

It's saying 28.

28?! That's good.

Put it down and do it again. Just to make sure.

OK.

Aye, 28.

Does that mean I can put my stuff back in?

Yeah, well, some of it.

Two kilos' worth.

I'm going to put my wedges in.

Right.

Because we could go someplace nice,

even if it's just for noodles or something.

There must be something wrong with your scales, Mr Baird.

There will be, if he's been on them.

What's this?

There's a discrepancy between your scales and Colin's,

which means Lin can now take her wedge shoes to Australia.

OK, done.

Good stuff.

You want me to weigh yours?

No, mine is fine.

In fact, let's just take them out to the car,

so we're ready to go.

Aye, good idea. I'll take yours, Lin.

She's strong, isn't she?

No, no. You're letting us leave our car.

You've made us teas, and I'm leaving my bag of washing here.

Not at all. Don't be daft!

Is it sterling you've got there, Lin?

Uh-huh.

Take a tenner off her Beth.

No! Lin, there's absolutely no need.

Keep that for your holiday.

Oh, right.

That you all sorted? Yeah. Thanks.

And thanks so much for helping us with everything.

Och, no problem. No problem at all.

Right, will we get a wee taste of the amber nectar

before you head off, girls? Oh, go on, then.

Oh, yes. Well, eh, cheers.

ALL: Cheers.

Oh...

Here, Eric, do you remember Castlemaine?

Oh, aye! Castlemaine XXXX.

That's it. Do you remember that, Lin?

I'm not sure I do, actually.

The four X's stood for "fuck".

F-U-C-K - fuck.

Australian wine's very good too.

We're actually booked to do a tour of a vineyard.

Aye? What one? I can't remember what it's called.

Is it Blossom Hill?

Right, well, uh, here's to your holiday, girls.

Here's to your holiday.

So, Melbourne first stop, is it?

Yeah. Melbourne.

Here, do you know what they filmed there?

# Neighbours... #

Oh-ho-ho!

SOME OTHERS JOIN IN: # Everybody needs good neighbours

# With a little understanding

# You can find the perfect blend

# Neighbours should be there for one another

# That's when good neighbours become good friends! #

Yay! I love that.

Yes, I like Neighbours.

Kylie Minogue was in that. You'll like Kylie, you too.

You know who I always had my suspicions about?

Mrs Mangel.

Husband nowhere in sight.

Didnae like kids.

And hair kept to a manageable length.

I think we should start making a move.

Prisoner: Cell Block H. That was another one.

That was all women in that. You would have liked that.

Right, whenever you want.

Are you away?

Yeah, we need to watch our time. We're cutting it a bit fine.

Ach, well, fair enough. Now, have you got everything?

Yeah. Our cases are in the car and we've just got

our hand luggage there.

Have you weighed them? Oh, come on. Gie us a break!

I'm telling you, there's limits in that as well.

Is there?

Yeah, it's ten kilos, but as long as it fits in the overhead bit.

Mine is a wee bit heavy, though.

Let me feel it.

Oh... What have you got in here?

I can take some stuff out.

Irn-Bru? What are you going to do with these?

You can't even take them through. Oh, can you not? No!

It's just a thing to give to Roisin.

What?

She's missing Irn-Bru, so I thought I'd bring some.

Are you kidding me on?

To be fair, pet, if you've been brung up wi' Irn-Bru,

it's very hard to come off it.

When are you going to see Roisin? Maybe when we're in Brisbane.

We're meeting Roisin? In Brisbane?

You don't have to come.

I can just go and meet her on my own.

Oh, right, you want to go and meet your ex on your own?

It's all right if I come on the flight,

or would you prefer to do that on your own, too?

I'll tell you what. Why don't you go on your own?

I'll stay here, and you can go to Australia.

There's nothing going on. I was just trying to do something nice.

Look, it's just a wee misunderstanding.

Don't let it spoil your holiday.

Give me your bag. What? Give me your bag,

till I see what other crap you've got in there.

Right.

You don't need that. Hmm?

You don't need that.

You can't take that. That's over 100ml.

And why...why are you taking an umbrella?

You never know.

Let's just go.

If you head off now, you'll miss the rush-hour traffic.

Oh, yeah. Don't want to get stuck in that.

That would spoil the holiday mood.

Uh...

Boys...

Safe journey. Have a lovely time.

Dusty Springfield.

That's another one.

Clare Balding.

That's right.

She's no' let it hold her back, though. Oh, no, no.

Fiona Bruce...maybe?

Possibly.

Actually, quite a deep voice.

Mm-hm.

Oh, is that them away, then?

Yes, that's them away.

Oh, six weeks in the sunshine.

Fancy that.

I know. Lucky things.

I tell you, fair play to them.

Some amount of organising, a trip like that.

Oh, God, I know! We can hardly book a week in Spain between us.

I like Spain.

You can buy Irn-Bru in the shops there.

What's this?

Oh... Oh, sh...

# Walking on the beaches Looking at the peaches

# Well, there goes another one Just lying down on the sand dunes

# I better go take a swim

# And see if I can cool down a little bit

# Cos you and me, woman

# We got a lot of things on our mind

# You know what I mean... #