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This programme contains
some strong language
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Oh, hi, Beth. Oh, hi, Michelle.
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You OK?
4
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How did Alan get on with his van?
5
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Oh, fine, it's fine.
6
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It's his own fault. He shouldn't
have gone through the drive-through
with his ladders on the roof.
7
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Anyway, I was going to ask,
are you going to Colin's tonight?
8
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Yes, yes, we are.
What are you wearing?
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Are you getting dressed up?
10
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No, I mean, it's dinner,
but I don't think
11
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we need to wear anything fancy.
12
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It's really just a chance
to get to meet Anne-Marie.
13
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Oh, have you not met her yet?
No, no.
14
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Don't know much about her,
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except for that they've been seeing
quite a bit of each other.
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Oh, that's sweet. Yes, I know.
17
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I don't think he was finding
it easy being single.
18
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Oh, God, can you imagine?
19
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I don't think I could go
back to living on my own.
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Michelle!
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Are there any toilet rolls?
22
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I'll leave you to it.
23
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Through you come.
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Anne-Marie's a wee bit nervous
about meeting you.
25
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Oh, there's no need for that.
26
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No, I know.
27
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I've told her you're both very
easy going.
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I mean, you're hardly going at all,
Eric!
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This is Anne-Marie.
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Hello, hello.
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And this is Eric and Beth.
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Hello, Eric.
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And hello, Beth.
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Oh, it's lovely to meet
the pair of you.
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I've heard so much about you.
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All good I hope?
The majority of it, yes.
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Here, I like that cardi.
38
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This? This is just an old one.
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I wasn't sure what to put on.
40
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Is it wool or is it a mix?
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Sorry?
42
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The cardigan, is it wool
or is it a mix?
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I don't know.
44
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Let me just get a look at the label.
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Not just now, we can we can check
that later.
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Er, have a seat.
47
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Hey, sit down.
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So...
49
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What you've been up to today, then?
50
00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:17,760
Oh, not much.
51
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Cleaning the kitchen.
52
00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:21,080
That's about as exciting as it got.
53
00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:24,400
Oh, Beth, nothing better than
getting right into all your corners
54
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with a bit of bleach, eh?
55
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Yes, aha.
56
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Are you ceramic or gas?
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Er...
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Ceramic.
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Me too.
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00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:35,800
I was gas, I was gas a long time,
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but I spent half my life going
around the burners wi' an old
toothbrush.
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I will never go back.
63
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Never.
64
00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:46,320
Are you wanting a glass of wine?
65
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I wouldn't say no.
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I'll go.
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I'll get it.
68
00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:53,400
Here, Beth,
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some kitchen he's got, int it?
70
00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:56,760
Yes.
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00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:59,200
Take is a while to get round that
wi' our cloths, eh?
72
00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:04,200
So what have you been up to then?
73
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Ach, not much, Eric.
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00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:09,000
Well, we were through in Edinburgh
last weekend.
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Oh, very nice.
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Wee romantic getaway, was it?
77
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Well, aye, it was.
78
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:15,800
Oh, lovely.
79
00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:17,160
Where did you go?
80
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John Lewis.
81
00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:19,720
And then the zoo.
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Oh! Here we go.
83
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This is the dear stuff.
84
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I normally get mine oot at Aldi.
85
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It's good in there, isn't it, Beth?
86
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Yes, I go there sometimes, yes.
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Great for fruit and veg, mind you,
you need to watch,
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you go in for a loaf and you come
out wi' a set of jump leads and
a paddling pool.
89
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:42,880
So, Colin said you were away
for the weekend.
90
00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:45,000
Aye we were, Beth, we went through
to Edinburgh.
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00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:47,240
Oh, it's lovely through there,
isn't it?
92
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Oh, aye, it is, but Christ
it's dear.
93
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£9 for two coffees.
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I don't care if you've got a castle,
I'm no paying that.
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00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,480
We'll go back up to the room
and use the wee kettle.
96
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Aye.
97
00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:01,240
Ian goes through to Edinburgh quite
often, doesn't he?
98
00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:02,800
Oh, is that your son?
99
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Yes, yes.
100
00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:05,480
What age is he?
101
00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:07,280
He's 28 now.
102
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:09,560
Oh, my Jackson's 24.
103
00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:11,640
Oh, you've got a son as well.
104
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Oh, aha. Keep you on your toes.
105
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Yes, there's always something.
106
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If it's no, "Can I get a lift here?"
107
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It's, "Could you lend me a tenner?"
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Or, "Leave me alone, I'm no needing
to see a specialist."
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Um, have you met him yet?
110
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No, but he's really looking
forward to it.
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Is he? No, you are.
112
00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:31,320
Oh, aye, absolutely.
113
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DOOR BELL RINGS
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Excuse me a wee second.
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Well, cheers.
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Cheers.
117
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Oh, yeah.
118
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Oof. Aw, here.
119
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Eric, let me get you something
to set your glass on.
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Oh, no, don't be daft.
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Absolutely not.
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Watch your heads.
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There we go.
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Christ, Beth, what are we like?
125
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If we're no cleaning kitchens
we're humping furniture.
126
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There's always something,
isn't there?
127
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As I say, she's...
128
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..she's a wee bit
nervous about meeting everybody.
129
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:15,720
Ach, she's got no need to be
nervous.
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We'll make her feel right at home.
131
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Hey, Christine, I'd like you to meet
Anne-Marie.
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So you're a divorcee, hen?
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Christine.
134
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No, you're all right, I don't mind.
135
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Yes, I was married,
136
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and, yes, it ended in divorce.
137
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But here we are.
138
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Any children?
139
00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:43,880
Oh, Christine, for God's sake.
140
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Yes, I have one beautiful son.
141
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My big boy, Jackson.
142
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He's 24.
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Oh, that's nice.
144
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At least you know she's no looking
for one off of you, Colin, eh?
145
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One's enough, thank you.
146
00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:59,560
I've got my hands full with him,
I'll tell you that.
147
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Is he going off the rails?
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00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:02,800
You see, that's what happens
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when you come from a broken home.
150
00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:07,960
Christine, lots of marriages end in
divorce these days
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and everybody involved is just fine.
152
00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:11,600
Oh, aye.
153
00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,760
That couple down the road, they
split up just before Christmas.
154
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And she's met somebody else already.
155
00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:20,000
Oh, right? What about him?
156
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No.
157
00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:24,560
But I did spot him perusing
the cards in a telephone box.
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Christine, would you like a drink?
Will I get you a wee glass of wine?
159
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Yes, please.
160
00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:34,400
Oh, my God.
161
00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:37,400
Nice and prompt, eh?
162
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Yes, she's been very attentive.
163
00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:40,800
Aha, aha.
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00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,320
Watch and learn.
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00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:45,560
She's done a whole meal
from scratch.
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You've landed on your feet, mate.
167
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Single mother, you see.
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She's used to eking stuff out.
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Does she get vouchers, Colin?
170
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I don't... Here we go.
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There's your wine.
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Enjoy.
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Och, it's really nice to meet you
all.
174
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You too, Anne-Marie.
175
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:05,800
So how did you two meet?
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We actually met online.
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Did you? Aye, well, I mean, that's
the way it's done these days.
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I have to say, it's quite
a good idea.
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00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:14,760
It asks you all the questions
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about what kind of person
you're looking for.
181
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Age, height, all that stuff.
182
00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:20,840
And you ended up with him?
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00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:23,360
You match up with people who've
liked your profile,
184
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,720
and then that's when you start
seeing the messages.
185
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And eventually, well, you swap
numbers.
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Changed days, eh?
187
00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:33,080
Remember, you used to go
with the dancing and the guy
188
00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:35,680
had to go up to the girl
and ask her if she fancied a dance?
189
00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:37,960
In the last half hour,
it was the mad dash
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00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:39,520
to see who you could get.
191
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Aye!
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00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,960
Next thing you know, you're
married to them, eh, Beth?
193
00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:46,520
I will say this, though,
you need to watch,
194
00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:48,560
there's a lot of fakes online.
195
00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:51,800
Oh, aye, I mean, well, there was one
woman I was chatting to.
196
00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:54,600
She said, "I'm in my thirties
and I'm a model."
197
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,120
See when I met her
198
00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:58,200
I thought, "What do you model?
Support tights?"
199
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:02,760
I met this guy, Jerry he said his
name was,
200
00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:05,720
said he worked for Bank of Scotland,
but I've banked with them for years.
201
00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:07,160
I've never seen him before
202
00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:09,800
so I made my excuses after
the main course
203
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:12,080
and left for my own safety.
204
00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:17,120
They steal photos too.
205
00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:18,520
Oh, I've heard about that.
206
00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:20,320
There's a woman who works in Tesco.
207
00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:21,680
She got hacked.
208
00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:24,560
Her bits have been seen
all over the world, Beth.
209
00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:26,680
Gosh.
210
00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:29,280
I lost my bus pass once,
and when I got it back,
211
00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:31,400
somebody had drawn a moustache
on it.
212
00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:36,280
As soon as we actually met, though,
213
00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:38,440
we just clicked, didn't we?
214
00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:40,680
Aw! Aye, we did, aye.
215
00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:43,000
Did he pay, Anne-Marie?
216
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:44,800
And I was dead honest with him.
217
00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:48,200
I was very upfront about my ex,
about Jackson,
218
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:51,440
and we even ended up talking about
his forthcoming surgery.
219
00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:53,800
Oh, goodness.
What is he getting done?
220
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:55,080
Circumcision.
221
00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:57,200
DOOR BELL RINGS
222
00:08:57,200 --> 00:09:00,160
It's going to be a real
game changer for him, Beth.
223
00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:01,560
Excuse me a second.
224
00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:12,160
Hi, Colin.
225
00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:14,560
Hey, Michele. Hi, Alan.
How are you doing?
226
00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:17,160
Oh, we're great. Here's a bottle.
227
00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:19,800
Oh, thank you, Alan.
228
00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:22,280
That's very kind of you.
229
00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:23,680
And what's this one?
230
00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:25,640
It's...
Dunno, she got it as a present.
231
00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:30,200
Thanks so much.
232
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:34,440
He said, "Has he tried Vaseline?"
233
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:37,720
I said, "Listen, he's got more
grease under his hood than a
transit van."
234
00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:39,720
But we're no further forward.
235
00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:41,120
Hi.
236
00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:43,000
Oh, hiya. Hi, Michelle.
237
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:44,520
Hi, Alan. Hi, Michelle.
238
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:46,600
This is Alan and Michelle
239
00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:48,280
and this is Ann-Marie.
240
00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:50,280
Hello, Alan. And hello, Michelle.
241
00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:53,600
Oh, here, you're a wee glamour puss,
aren't you?
242
00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:55,720
You'd have no problem
if you were online.
243
00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:59,720
Mind you, you'd get all sorts
in your inbox.
244
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,520
Alan and Michelle stay
across the road.
245
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:05,280
Oh, right. Are you married?
246
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:06,640
Engaged.
247
00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:08,960
She's divorced, Michelle.
248
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,160
Sit down, please, sit down.
249
00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:13,560
They've actually no long moved in.
250
00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:15,360
Oh, right,
251
00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:17,160
just starting out?!
252
00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:18,400
Oh.
253
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,120
Have you any of a family
254
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,840
or are you hanging fire?
255
00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:23,240
Oh, not yet.
256
00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:24,800
We're trying on weekends.
257
00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:26,920
I've got one, a son.
258
00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:28,120
Jackson.
259
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:29,240
Oh, lovely.
260
00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:31,880
He's about to have his foreskin
removed, Michelle.
261
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:33,840
Ma mate had that done.
262
00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:35,080
Didnae heal right.
263
00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:36,280
Looks like a dog's been at it.
264
00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:40,400
Can I get you a wee drink or
something? A glass of wine?
265
00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:41,880
Oh, yes, please.
266
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,480
So it's lovely to meet you.
267
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:47,440
Oh, you too.
268
00:10:47,440 --> 00:10:51,240
I feel like I've seen you around,
but I don't want to just rock up
and introduce myself.
269
00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:52,680
Oh, but you should have.
270
00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:54,240
I'll say hello to anyone.
271
00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:56,200
Is that how you met him?
272
00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:57,920
They met online, Alan.
273
00:10:57,920 --> 00:10:59,200
Did you?
274
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:02,200
Lots of my friends have met
their partners that way.
275
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:04,320
Alan, she knows somebody
276
00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:07,280
whose vagina is famous on the
internet.
277
00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:11,320
Does nobody meet at the dancing any
more then?
278
00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:14,200
Oh, my friends wouldn't go to a club
looking to meet someone.
279
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:16,120
Oh, mines do if they're on the gear.
280
00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:18,640
Can't remember the last
time I went to a nightclub.
281
00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:20,160
Go midweek, Beth.
282
00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:21,680
You'll get in for nothing.
283
00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:24,680
See what I don't like about
nightclubs,
284
00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:27,520
see when the lights go up at the end
and you see all the mess,
285
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,680
I just want to get my mop and my
bucket and get it all cleaned up.
286
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:33,960
Here we go.
287
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:37,200
Sorry about the wee delay there,
I was just checking
something in the oven.
288
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:38,840
So what are we getting then?
289
00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:41,120
Tomato and red pepper soup.
290
00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:42,920
Then we've got a fish pie
291
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:45,200
and then your pudding's
a raspberry cheesecake.
292
00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:46,600
Oh, brilliant.
293
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,080
What kind of fish is it?
294
00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:50,200
Eh?
295
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,160
In your pie? Alan.
296
00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:53,680
Actually, sorry,
297
00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:56,480
I'll just pick out
the bits I don't like.
298
00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:58,880
It sounds absolutely fantastic,
Anne-Marie.
299
00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:00,240
Thank you.
300
00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:02,960
And hats off to you for doing
three courses.
301
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:04,200
That's like that programme.
302
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:05,360
Come Dine With Me.
303
00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:09,280
Yes. Oh, here, you get some right
fussy buggers on that, don't you?
304
00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:10,800
Oh, you do, you do.
305
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:12,480
See your soup, Anne-Marie,
306
00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:14,640
Have you used dried herbs?
307
00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:16,560
See when they go poking around
the house
308
00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:18,960
and then they try and guess
something about the person?
309
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:21,600
I mean, why would you let
them do that?
310
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:24,920
Did you see the one where they
found the sheepskin waistcoat
and the helmet?
311
00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:26,720
And it was a guy who thought
he was a Viking.
312
00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:29,120
Or what about the woman
that was an actual witch?
313
00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:32,120
Did she burn her steaks?!
314
00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:37,000
Oh, that's a good one.
315
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,320
That's what everyone's looking
for online.
316
00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:40,800
GSOH.
317
00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:42,160
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
318
00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:45,200
There's nothing more attractive
than a good sense of humour.
319
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:46,520
Aye, we're all right here,
320
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:48,120
we all like a joke, eh?
321
00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:49,760
Oh, aye.
322
00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:53,000
It was lasagne she done, Eric.
323
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:54,640
Came third.
324
00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:05,320
Oh, that went down well.
325
00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:07,120
Do you think so? Oh, aye!
326
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,200
They loved it.
327
00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:13,040
Good. I just want everything to go
smoothly.
328
00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:14,760
It's going great, trust me.
329
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:16,320
And see the soup?
330
00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:18,440
They absolutely loved it.
331
00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:21,240
I'd give it five at a push.
332
00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:23,160
Christine, it was lovely.
333
00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:26,920
See, she'll be used to watering
things down,
334
00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:28,600
to make it go further.
335
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:31,880
She seems lovely, eh, Beth?
336
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:33,280
Yes, she does.
337
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:34,960
Very down-to-earth.
338
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:37,600
What did she say the son's
name was again, Beth?
339
00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:38,760
Jackson.
340
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:40,320
Aye, Jackson.
341
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,520
Waiting to get circumcised.
342
00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:43,880
Yes, aha.
343
00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:48,120
Well, let's say that's
more hygienic, apparently.
344
00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:51,760
So what is it we're getting
for our man again?
345
00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:53,080
Fish pie.
346
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:54,480
Oh, that's right, aye.
347
00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:56,720
Do you like fish, aye?
Oh, aye, lovely.
348
00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:59,240
Right, any prawns and I'll fly
them over to you.
349
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,680
Are you circumcised, Alan?
350
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:05,640
ALL: Oh!
351
00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:10,680
I hope you all like it,
352
00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:13,880
it's a real favourite in my house,
this one.
353
00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:16,320
See, she'd get three or four days
out of that
354
00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:18,120
just for the two of them.
355
00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:19,440
It looks amazing.
356
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:21,000
Thank you very much.
357
00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:24,920
Er, what's your mash made with,
Anne-Marie?
358
00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:26,440
Sorry?
359
00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:28,920
Your mash. Is it Maris Pipers?
360
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:30,800
Oh, aha, nothing but the best.
361
00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:34,000
Maybe get her up to a seven
with this, Beth.
362
00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:37,880
Right, Eric, that's you. Oh, yes.
363
00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:39,800
Look at this.
364
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:42,480
And Michelle.
365
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:44,720
There you go.
366
00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:46,040
Oh!
367
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:50,120
Oh, is there egg through it,
Anne-Marie?
368
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:51,200
There is.
369
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:53,040
Egg in a pie? Alan.
370
00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:55,960
Beth. Oh, thank you.
371
00:14:57,440 --> 00:14:59,120
Smells wonderful.
372
00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:00,480
Do you think?
373
00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:04,800
Oh, honestly, it's terrific,
you've gone to such an effort.
374
00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:08,360
Aye, you can come dine with us
any time you like.
375
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:11,880
Take mine from the side, will you
376
00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:14,440
so I get a wee crisped up bit
of potato.
377
00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:17,240
Oh.
378
00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:18,600
Thank you.
379
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:19,880
It's a pleasure.
380
00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:21,320
And Alan.
381
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:23,720
Just mash, I'll no eat any of that
other stuff.
382
00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:25,560
Okey dokey.
383
00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:28,080
Is he a bit fussy eater, this one,
is he, Michelle?
384
00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:29,560
Not too bad.
385
00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:31,400
I'll take fish if it's out of the
chippy.
386
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:33,400
That is my Jackson's favourite.
387
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,400
He loves his chippies.
388
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:38,320
I get him one every Saturday,
389
00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:41,880
and then sometimes on a Wednesday,
390
00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:44,600
you know, if he's no feeling happy.
391
00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:48,880
This is yours, darling.
392
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:50,640
Oh, thanks.
393
00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:53,720
Right, folks, do not stand
on ceremony.
394
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,760
Dig in.
395
00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:58,760
There you go.
396
00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:02,800
Oh, wow.
397
00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:08,040
Oh.
398
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:10,840
Mm.
399
00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:13,440
Mm.
400
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:15,640
Mm, lovely.
401
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:17,040
Delicious.
402
00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:19,720
KICK
403
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:23,560
Thanks for the food.
It's lovely, so it is.
404
00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:27,280
it's absolutely beautiful,
but I'll be needing to hit the gym
405
00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:28,920
every single night this week.
406
00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:30,880
Oh, rubbish,
you're in great shape.
407
00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:32,720
Och, not really at the minute.
408
00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:35,160
But if I don't exercise,
I just pile it on.
409
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,680
It usually goes up quite a bit
around Christmas, doesn't it?
410
00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:42,880
So you're in great shape
yourself, Mrs.
411
00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:44,960
Me? Aha.
412
00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:47,200
Isn't she, Beth?
413
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:48,880
Er, yes, super.
414
00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:51,280
You must be a regular gym goer.
415
00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:53,240
I've never been in a gym in my life.
416
00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:57,280
Really? But you're in tremendously
good shape.
417
00:16:57,280 --> 00:17:00,000
No cellulite at all, Beth.
418
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:03,240
See, the thing is, I'm always
on the go, I cannae sit still.
419
00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:05,640
As soon as one thing's done,
I'm on to the next.
420
00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:06,960
My mother was the same.
421
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:09,000
Me too, me, too.
422
00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:14,960
Pass us a bit more of that mash,
will you there, Colin?
423
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:18,320
She was up doing the kitchen floor
at seven this morning, weren't you?
424
00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:21,920
Yeah. God, I don't even think
I was awake at seven this morning.
425
00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:23,440
No, you weren't. You were snoring.
426
00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:25,080
Nothing wrong with that, Michelle.
427
00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:27,120
I probably was, too.
428
00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:29,520
You were.
It comes through my fucking wall.
429
00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:32,200
Oh, poor you, Eric.
430
00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:33,760
You cannae help it if you snore.
431
00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:36,720
I'll tell you who else was doing
a wee bit of snoring last night.
432
00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:39,080
You. Me? Was I?
433
00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:40,600
Aha.
434
00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:42,640
See, after I finish,
435
00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:44,480
I fall straight asleep.
436
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:52,520
So how long is it you've been
actually seeing each other?
437
00:17:52,520 --> 00:17:54,720
Oh, now, let me think.
438
00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:56,920
How long will it be?
439
00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:59,200
Well, it's...
440
00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:02,320
It's two months since I ghosted
that woman with implants,
441
00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:05,880
so I think it'll be six,
seven weeks?
442
00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:08,960
You know, it's great, all
that online stuff, isn't it?
443
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:12,400
I mean, just think, yous two might
not have met each other
444
00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:14,160
if you hadn't signed up for it.
445
00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:16,560
We feel really lucky, don't we?
446
00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:18,440
Aye, we do.
447
00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:22,280
Oh, shit, the peas! Eh?
448
00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:23,440
The peas!
449
00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:25,120
I forgot the peas.
450
00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:26,600
Don't bother, we're fine.
451
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:29,200
No, I cannae serve you up a
fish pie
452
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:31,000
without peas on the side.
453
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:32,640
Oh, my God.
454
00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:35,160
What must they think of me, Colin?
455
00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:36,880
Oh.
456
00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:41,880
She just wants it to be
457
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:43,240
all perfect, you know?
458
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:45,800
Oh, don't worry, Colin,
she's doing a great job.
459
00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:48,400
Do you think? Oh, aye, yeah.
460
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:50,040
Cos, you know, she's...
461
00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:51,840
..she's been a bit nervous.
462
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:56,360
She's got no reason to be,
she's doing just grand.
463
00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:11,360
Here we are.
464
00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:13,000
A dish of fresh garden...
465
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,320
Oh, shit!
466
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:15,920
Oh.
467
00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:18,840
Oh, are you...are you all right?
468
00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:21,840
Oh, my God.
469
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:23,640
Look at the mess.
470
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:24,920
Are you OK?
471
00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:26,600
Jesus, Beth,
472
00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,040
they're everywhere.
473
00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:29,440
Look, don't worry about that.
474
00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:31,760
Yeah, come on, let's get you up.
475
00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:33,400
I'm fine.
476
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:35,240
Oh, what a mess.
477
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:37,480
Look, I'll go get you a wee bit of
kitchen roll, OK?
478
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:39,240
Dustpan and brush, Michelle.
479
00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:41,920
Michelle,
you stay right where you are.
480
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:45,120
I will not be having guests
picking up peas.
481
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,200
What a shame.
482
00:19:58,200 --> 00:19:59,960
I know.
483
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:02,280
I was looking forward to them.
484
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:06,920
Are you sure we cannae give the
woman a hand?
485
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:09,680
No, no, no.
She'll have them up in a minute.
486
00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:12,080
Yous just relax and enjoy your meal.
487
00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:28,600
HOOVER STARTS
488
00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:32,920
Don't mind me!
489
00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:42,680
No a bad bit of power in this, Beth.
490
00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:57,880
Oh, the wee bastards are
everywhere, so they are.
491
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:06,680
HOOVER STOPS
492
00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:12,840
Oh, this is delicious.
493
00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:14,960
Mm, it's lovely.
494
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:17,440
Did you make this from scratch
as well?
495
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:18,960
I did, yes.
496
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:21,320
Aye, you've made cheesecake
before, Beth.
497
00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:22,560
Yes.
498
00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:24,840
Hers is the cheat's version, though.
499
00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:26,880
Do you like to cook, Beth?
500
00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:28,560
God, it's terrible.
501
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:30,840
I feel like I've hardly asked
you guys anything,
502
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:32,480
so busy talking about myself.
503
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,480
No, no, not much to tell, really.
504
00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:37,200
They don't do much
for their wives, do you?
505
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:38,760
Well, we're winding down a bit
506
00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:41,200
now that our son's grown-up and
moved out.
507
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:44,440
Oh, you've no told me anything
about your boy... Ian.
508
00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:46,320
Ian, that's right.
509
00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:48,240
He's a homosexual, Anne-Marie.
510
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:49,600
Oh, right.
511
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:51,920
And not the colourful variety
either.
512
00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:53,880
It comes out more when he's pissed.
513
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:55,360
His partner's more obvious.
514
00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:57,640
Oh, aye, he cannae hide it.
515
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:02,560
There was a time I wondered
about my Jackson.
516
00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:03,760
Did you? Yeah.
517
00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:06,880
But I checked his porn and the
laptop and it's all straight.
518
00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:09,440
Well, there's usually a woman
involved in it somewhere.
519
00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:12,160
Well, that's nice.
520
00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:14,480
Right, I'll get these plates
cleared.
521
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:16,560
Oh, my God, Michelle.
522
00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:18,160
Your top. What?
523
00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:20,680
What is it?
524
00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:23,200
There's a wee bit of cream
on your top there.
525
00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:26,000
Oh, God, what am I like?
526
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,240
No, don't, don't, I'll get a cloth.
527
00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:31,240
Oh, no, it's fine.
No, absolutely not.
528
00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:34,080
That will stain if you don't get
a hot cloth onto it.
529
00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:35,960
Tell her, Beth, tell her.
530
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:38,760
Um, a quick wipe?
531
00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:43,120
I'm always dribbling stuff
on tae ma boobs, Michelle.
532
00:22:43,120 --> 00:22:44,520
Right.
533
00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:49,200
Let's get this on to it, pet.
534
00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:53,400
Just pop that button open for me,
my love
535
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:56,400
so I can get my hand right in and
sponge it properly.
536
00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:09,680
Rub-a-dub-dub, my darling.
537
00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:15,560
That's you now, a wee wet patch,
that'll soon dry.
538
00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:19,160
OK.
539
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:20,840
Listen, if we're all finished
540
00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:23,840
why don't we get a comfy seat, eh?
Have a wee coffee?
541
00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:25,400
Great idea. Yes.
542
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:26,600
Aye, there we go.
543
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:30,920
Right, I'll get these away, then
I'll get the coffees on the go.
544
00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:34,480
What's that? I think there's a pea
there she's missed.
545
00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:36,040
Alan, shoosh. What is it?
546
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:37,840
Nothing, no.
547
00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:41,840
Can I give you a hand, Anne-Marie?
548
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:42,920
Oh, no, no, no.
549
00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:44,760
You go and sit down.
550
00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:46,480
You are a guest.
551
00:23:50,360 --> 00:23:52,480
I'm really glad you came over.
552
00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:53,920
Oh, it was lovely.
553
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:57,400
I think it's been good, eh?
Smashing, isn't it?
554
00:23:57,400 --> 00:23:59,240
Yes, it's been great.
555
00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:01,560
Thoroughly enjoyed it. Good.
556
00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:02,920
OK.
557
00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:05,080
So what are we having?
Are you all wanting a coffee?
558
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:06,720
Yes, please.
559
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:08,800
Will I do a cafetiere?
560
00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:11,200
What one's that? Is that the one
wi' the plunger?
561
00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:13,160
Does everyone take milk?
562
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:14,960
Oh, in fact, you know what I could
do?
563
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:16,760
A wee Irish coffee?
564
00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:19,280
Oh! Oh! Oh, an Irish coffee.
565
00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:21,840
I like an Irish coffee.
566
00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:24,080
It's got whisky in it.
567
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:25,480
Everyone?
568
00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:26,800
Yes, please.
569
00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:29,680
Anything Irish is fine by me.
570
00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:31,920
My mother was a Kelly from Cork.
571
00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:34,880
Aye? Here's me thinking she was a
witch frae the West.
572
00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:40,840
He's all right, Anne-Marie,
but he can be a cheeky wee bastard.
573
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:43,560
I've got family from Cork.
574
00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:45,760
Have you? Oh, yes, aha.
575
00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:48,440
We used to go there in the summer
holidays.
576
00:24:48,440 --> 00:24:49,880
Oh, wow!
577
00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:51,080
Oh, aye.
578
00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:53,680
My family's very proud
of its Irish roots.
579
00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:56,840
My mum made me go to the Irish
dancing every week.
580
00:24:56,840 --> 00:24:58,680
Competitions and everything.
581
00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:00,840
Here, you never put that
in your profile.
582
00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:04,800
She'd done tap as a wee lassie.
Oh.
583
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:07,800
Oh, I love Irish dancing.
584
00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:12,840
The costumes, the music, the wee
legs going like the clappers.
585
00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:14,440
Aye, that was me.
586
00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:19,640
Every Saturday morning, the hair
up and my wee green velvet dress.
587
00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:21,080
Oh, cute.
588
00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:22,480
I tell you, that got your fit.
589
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:26,080
I've still got the muscles in my
calves to show for it. She has.
590
00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:29,200
I can hardly get my hands
around them. Anyway,
591
00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:31,480
Irish coffees. Here,
592
00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:35,240
if this was Come Dine With Me, you
could have done a whole Irish theme.
593
00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:37,760
Yes! So I could.
That is true, Eric.
594
00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:42,080
You could have done a big plate
of stew. Aye! That'd been better.
595
00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:44,400
Maybe a wee can of the black
stuff as well.
596
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:48,040
Aye, the Guinness.
Oh, I like a Guinness.
597
00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:52,040
You ever tried dipping a digestive
biscuit in it, Alan?
598
00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:56,320
You know the bit I like best about
Come Dine With Me? When they
599
00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:58,800
have one of those themed
ones at the end
600
00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:01,480
and the host does a wee party piece.
601
00:26:01,480 --> 00:26:02,760
ALL LAUGH
602
00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:05,280
You could have done your
Irish dancing.
603
00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:07,160
Oh, I don't know about that.
604
00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:08,760
Can you not do it any more?
605
00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:10,520
No, I can still do it.
606
00:26:10,520 --> 00:26:12,000
I mean, you never lose it.
607
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:14,120
Show us a wee bit.
608
00:26:14,120 --> 00:26:15,400
You want me to?
609
00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:17,560
Aye! On you go.
610
00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:19,960
Yeah, right. We don't...
We don't need to do...
611
00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:26,400
TAKES A DEEP BREATH
612
00:26:31,120 --> 00:26:32,960
No, that's not right.
Wait a minute.
613
00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:35,240
Ach, you're fine. On you go.
614
00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:36,960
SHE HUMS QUIETLY
615
00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:40,320
No, I'm making a mistake there.
616
00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:43,080
That'll do us, will it, no?
You can clearly do it,
617
00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:46,080
so there's no need to, you know.
SHE SINGS A DITTY
618
00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:14,400
Tada!
619
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:19,160
Anyway, coffee.
620
00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:26,880
Was that a wee bit much?
621
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:29,280
No! Don't be daft! Charming.
622
00:27:29,280 --> 00:27:31,800
Don't be silly.
Just, you know, she's...
623
00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:33,680
she's been nervous about meeting
you and she,
624
00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:36,200
you know, she wanted it all
to go well.
625
00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:39,400
I-I-It was... It went really well.
It was very good.
626
00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:42,640
I mean, I really like her,
but you would be honest with me
627
00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:44,160
if you were no sure, wouldn't you?
628
00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:47,680
Aye. Of course we would.
Absolutely, Colin.
629
00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:49,800
Thanks, guys. Thanks.
630
00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:51,960
That means a lot.
631
00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:55,360
I'll just go and give her
a wee hand. OK. Right.
632
00:28:06,360 --> 00:28:08,160
She's fucking nuts, ain't she?
633
00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:11,440
# On the fourth of July 1806
634
00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:14,760
# We set sail from the sweet cove
of Cork
635
00:28:14,760 --> 00:28:18,360
# We were sailing away
with a cargo of bricks
636
00:28:18,360 --> 00:28:21,680
# For the grand City Hall
in New York
637
00:28:21,680 --> 00:28:25,520
# 'Twas a wonderful craft
She was rigged for and aft
638
00:28:25,520 --> 00:28:28,640
# And oh how the wild
wind drove her
639
00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:32,200
# She stood several blasts
She had 27 masts
640
00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:35,640
# And they called her
the Irish Rover. #
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