Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language

We've got milk, but there's no orange juice.

Do you want some orange juice?

Aye, no' the stuff with the bits in it, though.

And what about yoghurt, do you want some yoghurt? Aye, Mullers.

What about your dinner for tonight?

Dunno.

Pizza?

Aye. Pizza.

So orange juice, yoghurt and pizza for tonight.

And I tell you, I'll get some apples and grapes and pears and stuff.

Hey? We can't have you lying there just stuffing your face with pizza.

We've got to get some healthy stuff into you as well.

Aye, all right, fair enough.

Right. Anything else?

Any chance of a couple of kronenberg?

THEME MUSIC PLAYS

DOORBELL RINGS

Hi, Michelle. Hi, Beth. Hi, Eric.

Thanks so much for doing this.

Oh, no problem, Michelle.

How's he doing?

So-so. Oh, poor thing.

He must be getting a bit fed up.

You'd think so, wouldn't you?

I think he's actually quite happy, lying doing nothing.

Hi, Alan.

Hi. Oh, hi, Eric.

You all right, Beth? Oh, Alan.

Oh, it's a cracker you've got there.

Aye, the boot? It's massive. Goes all the way from my big toe

up to my nutsack.

They can see where it goes, Alan.

So what are they saying, what have you done to it?

Fractured in two places. And torn ligaments in my knee.

Oh, for goodness sake.

And can you not move at all? No' really.

I'm having to sleep down here. Oh, no. Dear, dear.

I know. If I need the toilet during the night, I've got to pish intae a bottle.

Oh, Alan. Worse for her. She has to tip it oot.

And how long will you be like this?

I don't know. I have to go back in two weeks for another X-ray.

The consultant said it's one of the worst breaks he's ever seen.

Oh, dear.

One of the paramedics spewed when he saw me.

Well, I'm sure they'll have you up and about as soon as they can.

Oh, they have given him crutches, Eric,

which he's supposed to be using.

I don't think I'm ready for them. Aye, cos he's quite liking

watching me run around after him this whole time.

Well, I'm sure it won't be long until you're up and on to them, eh, Alan?

Right, listen, can I get you a tea or a coffee or anything before I go?

Oh, no, no. You get away and do what you've got to do,

Michelle, we'll keep an eye on things here.

Thanks so much.

Listen, take your time.

We're fine. If you want to stop and have a coffee or something.

Really? That's so kind of you.

Thanks, Beth.

Right, Alan, I'm away, is there anything else you need?

Well, if you're going to Costa I'd take a white chocolate muffin.

Oh! Bye, Michelle.

So you're on painkillers?

Aye. The codeines.

Oh, right.

They're quite strong. Aye, they're fucking brilliant, Eric.

Well, as long as they help with the pain.

Aye, they block out, Michelle, as well.

How are you feeling now? Are you comfortable?

So-so, Beth. Can I get you anything, like a cushion?

No.

I'd take a coffee, though?

OK. Right.

Not a problem. Eric, you want one?

Well... Beth, two coffees.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll go.

What are you doing here?

I'm helping Alan. What are YOU doing here?

Michelle said there was a mobility issue, so I've looked out some

things for him. Right.

You want me to pass them on?

Oh, no. I think I will do the handover myself.

Some of these items have been with me for many years.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, dear.

Look at that.

The full leg.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

Well, it's lovely and smooth.

No' like the days of plaster of Paris.

Oh, God, aye. That one they put me in, in 1986.

You remember that?

I looked like I'd been dug up out a fucking pyramid.

How are you feeling?

All right, a bit bored.

Eric been in a while then?

Oh, Christine. Oh, Beth.

What a situation, eh?

I know. Where's Michelle?

Oh, she's a few things to get in town.

Pizza for my dinner and a muffin fae Costa.

And your prescription?

And my prescription. What are you on?

Codeine. Oh, the Daddy.

Now, you be very careful with them, Alan.

They can be very addictive.

Can they? Aye.

And don't worry, I'll take any

you've got left over.

Beth, any chance of a biscuit?

Ooh. Right. OK. There's Rockies in the tin.

Eric?

You want a Rocky?

I wouldn't mind.

Oh, here, Christine. You've no' got a coffee. You want one?

Oh, I'm no' sure.

I'm not that long finished a cup of tea.

OK. Mind you, Michelle gets the Kenco Millicano, doesn't she?

You know, Alan, fuck it.

I will take one.

One coffee, two Rockies.

Hey. Beth!

Three Rockies.

Now.

Alan, I brung some things for you.

This is a grabber.

You ever use wan o' these?

No. Oh, they are tremendous.

Especially for anything spinal.

I got this during a very bad bout of sciatica.

And it's a good all rounder, tins,

light switches, loose hankies.

Here, gi' it a wee try.

There we go.

See. It's still got a lovely action on it, hasn't it?

And there's this.

What is that? It's a tray with a beanbag base, Eric.

That was a great help to me during that warm summer of 2016

when I'd that fluid build up in my ankles.

You remember that? I do.

I came very close to being awarded my blue badge as a result of that.

Anyway, last but not least,

there's this. A wrist support.

There's nothing wrong with his wrist. After two weeks

of using that grabber, there will be.

Now, I've got a selection of sticks I didn't even bring today.

But I will do when you're ready for getting up on your feet.

No, I've got crutches. Have you?

Aye, I got them from the hospital.

Oh.

Oh!

Yes.

Oh, look at them.

Oh, now.

Oh.

They are a lovely set.

Alan, you will enjoy these here.

I'll see if I can look you a set of fingerless gloves, save you any problems with blisters.

Look, we don't need to get into all this just now.

Let him just drink his coffee.

Fair enough. Fair enough.

You managing there, Alan?

I've got a double handled mug, with a spout if you need it.

DOORBELL RINGS

Will I get that?

Yes, please, Beth.

It's probably just sales.

What do you want me to say to them?

Just tell them to get to fuck.

Oh, it's you.

What are you two doing here?

Well, we saw the thing Michelle posted on Facebook

about Alan's accident. Ah.

What are you doing here? Is everything all right?

Yeah, it's fine. Michelle had to pop out.

So your dad and me are just in here keeping an eye on him.

We've made him a smoothie. Just in case he's not eating much.

Oh, no, I don't think there's any problem there.

Hi.

Hi, Alan. All right.

Hiya, boys.

How you doing?

No bad. Wow. Your leg is in a really big boot.

Oh, it's beautiful, isn't it, Gordon?

Remind me to take some photographs to show to Marion up at the surgery.

She's actually in a Tubigrip herself at the moment.

Can you get about at all? No' really.

He's got a stunning set of crutches.

Very high-end.

We brought you a smoothie. What's in it?

Carrot, kale, celery, ginger.

And a few drops of turmeric to help with inflammation.

All right. Cheers.

Beth, stick that in the fridge.

Michelle might try it.

So what actually happened?

Michelle just posted saying that you had an accident

at work or something. Aye, I fell off scaffolding.

Oh, my God. I know.

I was on the phone and I stood on the edge of a board, and just fell

through a gap.

Jeez-o. Yikes. Did you know it was broken?

No' at first, Eric. But then once I saw the bone sticking out.

Oh! Aye.

You're very lucky, Alan. It could have been so much worse.

Aye. Both legs. Then you're talking wheelchairs.

Now, that's the big league.

We had scaffolding up outside our flat, and one of the men looked

in and saw me coming out of the toilet.

So you getting compensation or something?

No, it was my fault.

I shouldn't have been on the phone.

Fair enough. Bloody phones.

I know. I mean, they knew I was on a site visit, but they just kept

ringing it. Wait. Was it someone from your work phoning you?

Aye. Billy Madden. Well, then that's not your fault.

It was a work call you were answering.

Oh, wait, I'm getting a tingly feeling.

I feel a claim coming on.

I don't think we should get involved.

I mean, we don't know the first thing about claims and compensation.

Well, that's a fair point, Beth.

Have you got a lawyer, Alan? No.

Christine. I was in touch with one after I sat on that chewing gum

in Burger King, but I think he may no longer be practising.

A personal injury lawyer's what you need.

Aye, they specialise in stuff like that.

TV AD VOICE: Have you suffered an accident in the workplace?

Did we not meet a guy who did that personal injury stuff?

Remember? What guy?

In fact, I think I've got his card in the house somewhere.

Go and get Eric.

Oh, for goodness sake. Away and get it.

Alan could be sitting in a fortune here.

What happens if I don't win though, do I still need to pay them?

They're usually no win, no fee, aren't they, Christine?

I'm not sure.

I know that they don't charge you if you lose.

INDISTINCT CONVERSATION

Nice to meet you. See ya.

Hi, Colin.

See that woman that just got into the taxi?

Aye. I just shagged her.

Eh?

Aye. Upstairs.

Oh, right. OK. Met her online, Eric.

Sent each other messages.

Just chat like, you know. How's things? I just put a washing on.

Next thing, she's over and in my bed.

Actually, she was on top of it with a towel down.

Ah...Colin, listen...

What time was it? It's half 11.

That's me done already.

Well, good for you.

Listen, I've just got to nip back over to Alan's.

Oh, aye. How's he doing after his accident?

He's not great. He's got his leg all strapped up, and he's...

He's stuck on the couch, so.

That's terrible, so it is.

I tell you what. I'll come across and tell him what I've been up to.

That'll cheer him up.

Erm, I...

So have they given you any painkillers? Aye, codeine.

Now, they're quite strong, Alan, just be careful with them.

Yeah. You're not meant to drive or operate machinery when you take them.

Oh, watch when you're using that grabber, Alan.

Hey!

All right, Colin?

Hi, mate, good to see you. Gordon, buddy, great seeing you.

Christine, you all right?

Yes, you're looking good, sweetheart.

And Beth, ach, bring it in, Beth.

Bring it on in.

You all right, Colin? Oh, I'm brilliant, Ian.

I'm absolutely brilliant.

Let's see the wounded soldier.

How you doing, Alan, how's your leg?

It's a' right. Can't really move it.

Dear, oh, dear. Aye.

He's got to sleep down here on the couch.

Oh, no. You can't get up to your own bedroom? Oh, dear.

I've just come down fae mine.

Eh?

Here's that guy's card, by the way.

Alan, there you are.

What's his name?

Bill Muir. Oh, he sounds good.

What's this? Alan's suing for compensation for the accident.

Really? Well, we don't know that yet.

It's just an idea.

And you'll need to discuss it with Michelle first, Alan.

I'm actually involved in a claim at the minute for a car accident.

I didn't know you had an accident.

Neither did I. But the guy on the phone swears blind I did.

HE GROANS

You're all right there, Alan?

Aye, I'm all right.

Are you sure you don't want a cushion under it?

No.

I'd take a bit of toast, though.

Right. OK.

Bit of toast. No problem.

I'll come in with you, Beth.

I think I can manage a piece of toast, Christine.

I know, but I just want to have a look in her cupboards.

Here, Alan.

This'll cheer you up.

I've just had sex.

What? Colin, for God's sake.

The man's out of action, Eric.

He'll want to know what the rest of us are up to. Won't you? No' really.

Who were you having sex with?

A woman from Kilmarnock called Lesley.

OK.

So where did you meet her? Tinder.

Tell you what, Eric, you want to see who's in there.

There's people who are absolutely desperate.

I actually think if ever you and Beth were to split up, even

you might get something.

Crackers and cereal in here, Beth. Christine, come out of there.

She's very nicely organised.

Oh, and so to the tins.

Oh, the cheap beans, Beth.

She's like you, won't pay for the Heinz.

Well, we won't be needing anything from there, so we can close that.

Now, if you're looking for something to do, you can get me the butter

out of the fridge. Oh, the fridge.

Oh, well, this is very well stocked, Beth.

Condiments,

cold meat, nice bowl of grapes there.

Wonder if they're seedless.

No, no, they're not.

Oh.

I mean, everybody's hooking up online nowadays, aren't they?

A lot of people, yeah. What do you guys use?

Well, we're not on anything now because we're in a relationship.

Aye, but when you were looking.

What one were you on?

Grindr. Didn't know you were on Grindr.

Well, I didn't use it much.

Do you want to see who I'm matched with, Alan?

Here, her. Do you like her?

That's Fiona fae Bathgate.

She's 43.

Likes hill walking, paddleboarding and wild swimming. Christ.

She'd be knackered before anything else.

Let's see, oh there...

There's Diane. What do you think of her?

Aye, she's nice.

She's 36. She might want kids.

Oh, now, here we go.

Oh, Karen.

Yeah, likes meals out, which is good. Swimming.

OK, if you want, but look though -

practising Christian.

Bang goes your Sunday.

So what did you put in yours then?

Aye, let's see your profile.

Give us a look. Wait, till I...

Right, what am I doing?

Hang about.

Oh, no, get out of that.

Where am I? Oh, jeez-o.

Sorry about that.

What is it? Was that yours?

It was, aye.

What's going on? Oh, I was just.

I was just going through some, some pictures and...

I just clicked on a wee private one.

Bloody hell. What is it?

Colin just showed Alan a picture of his penis.

What did you dae that for?

Well, it was a mistake, Christine.

I was just showing him some pictures and I clicked on the wrong thing.

Oh, why have you got a picture of your willy in your phone?

Well, just so I can send it to people.

You what? Some people

send private pictures nowadays if they're single and maybe chatting

to people online. He's on a dating app, Christine.

Aye.

I met somebody this morning actually. Colin.

Let's maybe just park this here for now, shall we?

You were on a date this morning?

Aye. Where'd you go?

How is that toast, Alan?

She just came over to mine.

Hang about.

Are you saying that you had sex with a woman this morning?

Aye.

Oh, my God.

Did you use a condom?

I-I did, aye.

I actually found one in an old toilet bag.

Oh, that's good.

Well, I think that's quite enough detail on this, Colin.

At what time was this?

Well, it started about half ten,

and it went on till about...

I don't know. When did I meet you, Eric?

Erm... Half ten?

I was just sitting down to my roll and egg.

And you were at it with some woman!

Oh, I am not happy about this, are you, Beth?

It's nothing to do with me, really.

I'm eating my breakfast and just a few feet away from me,

there was a man and a woman engaged in sex.

Oh, imagine that, eh?

I know you lot are at it like dogs,

but some of us have standards.

Look, can we just move on from this.

We were actually here just to help Alan out.

Is there any gammon in the fridge, Beth?

And who was this woman?

Lesley, from Kilmarnock.

She's actually originally from Paisley, but she worked for

North Ayrshire Council, so the commute was a bit of a bugger.

Do they not have an active transport policy?

And are you seeing her again? Well, maybe.

I mean, I'm matched with other eople.

You might need to buy more condoms.

We need to put some ground rules in place.

I want nothing before two in the afternoon, nothing after ten

at night, and absolutely nothing in that hot tub of yours.

The last thing I want to see fae my top window is your bare arse

bobbing up and doon.

MOBILE ALERT

It's all right.

It's a Domino's code.

Oh. Right.

That all right for you there?

Aye. That's magic. Thanks, Beth.

So how long do you reckon you'll have this thing for, then?

Could be up to eight weeks. Eight weeks?

I'm telling you, Alan, you get on to that lawyer

because you could be due a nice wee pay out.

Do you think? Oh, yes.

Here. Colin.

How much do you reckon he could get?

Well, if it's a long term thing, you know, you could be into six

figures. Could I? Mm-hm.

When Pat burned the roof of her mouth in Nando's,

she got vouchers.

What would you spend all that on, Alan?

I don't really know.

Must be something you had your eye on.

I wouldn't mind tropical fish.

Oh, that's nice.

Remember you had the goldfish,

Eric? Aye, aye. What was that called again?

Goldie.

12 years we had it.

Was it toilet or bin, Beth?

Erm... toilet.

What about Michelle? Anything she'd fancy?

Erm, actually, there's one thing that she wants.

But we've not got enough for that at the minute.

What's that?

Breast reduction.

No, really?

Aye. She's fed up with them.

Oh, well, that's a shame.

They do look as if they've got a weight in them, don't they, Beth?

She's checked it out, and she definitely wants them done.

But we cannae afford it just now.

I've never really noticed Michelle's breasts before.

Have you not, Gordon?

Has she tried Bravissimo, Alan?

Are you sure there's nothing else I can do for you, Alan?

I kept going to the toilet, Beth.

Oh, right. OK.

What do I need to do? Someone could give us a hand through.

Right. No bother.

Maybe when you get your pay-out,

you could treat yourself to a commode.

Eric, come on and help me get him through.

All right. Here we go.

And, up...

Oh, jeez! Sorry, Eric.

You're all right. It's just my back. You OK?

You all right, Dad? Yeah, it's just...

Here, let me help.

Oh.

All right. Oh.

Right. OK?

Oh!

Right, that's you.

You OK?

Aye. All right if I hang on to you?

Yeah, fine. No problem.

Right.

Dear, dear.

There we are.

OK.

Can you manage?

Aye. That's brilliant.

One of yous all right coming in with me?

Erm... It's just I can't stand to do it.

So if one of you could help me turn around and sit down.

Do you want me to...?

If you don't mind, Gordon. OK.

Yeah, that's OK. No problem.

It's obviously been a really nasty break.

Going to take a bit of time, I reckon. Poor Michelle.

She's going to have her hands full.

Well, look, she's not completely on her own. We're happy to help.

Aye, once he gets the hang of those crutches, things

will be a bit easier too.

Have you seen them, Ian?

Naw. They're brand-new.

They'd actually make you want to break your leg just to get a shot of them.

Makes you think all this, doesn't it?

One minute you're just wandering along, minding your own business,

and the next thing, something just comes out of nowhere

and changes everything.

Like me this morning.

I mean, I planned on washing the car.

Oh. You all right?

Aye.

I ended up doing a bit more than I thought.

Is everything OK?

I don't want to talk about it.

DOOR SHUTS

Hiya, Michelle.

Oh, wow.

Hi, Ian, Gordon.

Hi, Colin.

Hello, Michelle.

Christine? Did you get his codeines in?

Yeah, I did.

Just out of interest, how many in the box?

We just popped in to see how Alan was doing.

We saw your thing you put on Facebook.

We made him a smoothie.

Oh, right. That was nice of you.

You can have it. We've had a few unexpected visitors, Michelle.

So I see.

How's he been? All right?

Fine, no problem.

Eric's given me the number for a lawyer. Sorry? To see

if I can get compensation.

It's a guy we met on a thing we were at.

Bill. Have you been involved in an accident?

He was telling us a wee bit about what you would do with the money as well.

You know, lightening the load.

Sophie wears Bravissimo,

Michelle, and she's a G cup.

Alan...

It just came up because we were talking about compensation money.

Alan, I swear to God.

Oh, come on.

It's only the human body.

I mean, we've all got one, haven't we?

I mean, Christ.

Alan saw my bits earlier on.

What? Just a picture of them.

And Gordon saw yours for real.

Didn't you? I saw everything.

What the hell is going on?

It's not what it sounds like.

Gordon helped Alan into the toilet.

Aye. I'm not constipated any more.

And Colin was just showing Alan a wee selfie.

He sent a picture of his penis to a woman in Kilmarnock, Michelle.

Look, see apart from anything else, Alan, you're supposed

to be using your crutches.

Oh, they're beautiful, Michelle.

Look, you can't just lie there while all these people run

around after you. Maybe you just need a wee bit of practice on them.

Get your confidence.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right, Eric.

Come on. Up. Up and try them.

What? Come on.

I'm not having this.

I want to see you up and using them.

You're not lying there with all these people running

around after you hand and foot.

We don't mind, Michelle. Honestly.

No, Beth, I'm fed up with it.

Come on up.

Oh, jeez-o.

Can I get a tablet first? After.

Come on.

Oh, oh!

There you go!

Hey, he's up. Look at that!

Now, walk. Come on.

Walk!

Whoa! There you go.

Hey. Well done, Alan.

Hey, what about that?

He's off and running.

Here, Alan, you mind nipping down the shops for me?

LAUGHTER

Right.

Happy? Good.

Before you put them away, Michelle, could I trouble you for a wee shot

of them meself?

Yeah, if you want.

Much obliged.

It's just, I've got a wooden set.

But these...

..these are different league, you know?

Oh. Oh, look at that.

This must be what it feels like to sit behind the wheel

of a Rolls-Royce.

Oh, I'm away. Ha-ha!

I'm away now.

Careful, Christine.

That's it. Whoa-aaaa!

MUSIC: Crash by The Primitives

# Here you go, way too fast

# Don't slow down, you're gonna crash

# You should watch, watch your step

# Don't look out, gonna break your neck

# So, shut, shut your mouth

# Cos I'm not listening anyhow

# I've had enough, enough of you

# Enough to last a lifetime through

# So what do you want of me? #