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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,000 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:10,600 --> 00:00:14,960 He-ey! All right, Colin? How you doing? 3 00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:19,320 I'm good, yeah, I'm good. I'm keeping busy. 4 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:20,720 Ah, what you been up to? 5 00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:23,560 I've, er, I've been, 6 00:00:23,560 --> 00:00:26,120 well, I-I got up no' long ago. 7 00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:27,560 I-I got washed. 8 00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:30,200 Oh, well, THAT was good. No, actually, that was, 9 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:31,640 that was Saturday. 10 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:33,760 Have you heard from her? 11 00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:35,360 No. Well, listen, 12 00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:37,560 Beth was wondering if you wanted to come over for 13 00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:39,120 a wee cup of tea later. 14 00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:41,240 Was she? Aye. 15 00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:43,760 Aw, that was... that was nice of her. Well, 16 00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:46,360 aye, well, listen, why not? 17 00:00:46,360 --> 00:00:49,600 You know, it's... What, say about, what, two o'clock? 18 00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:51,400 Well, that's, er... 19 00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:52,960 ..that's quarter to five now. 20 00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:54,280 Is it? 21 00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:57,400 Yeah, well, just come over whenever and we'll see you later, eh? 22 00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:59,200 Okey dokey, Eric. 23 00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:00,480 Aye. 24 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:02,400 You're all right, are you? 25 00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:05,520 Aye, I'm good. 26 00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:08,040 Yeah, all good. 27 00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:16,160 THUD, GLASS BOTTLES CLATTER 28 00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:16,160 Oh, ya bastard. 29 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:40,800 Here he is. Looking a bit fresher now, eh? 30 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:43,640 Aye, I had a shower. 31 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:45,520 Oh, that's good. 32 00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:48,080 Aye, I found a towel so... 33 00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:49,960 Sit down, sit down. 34 00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:57,640 So, how's it going? 35 00:01:57,640 --> 00:02:00,240 Ach, I'm all right, you know? 36 00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:02,160 Are you getting out and about? 37 00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:03,280 Er... 38 00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:05,040 No, not really, no. 39 00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:06,880 Cannae really face it. 40 00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:08,280 Erm... 41 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:12,480 Would you like a cup of tea or coffee? 42 00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:15,680 Well, what are YOU having? 43 00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:19,520 Well, we had a coffee after our dinner so I'll have a tea. 44 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:21,400 What would you like, Eric? 45 00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:22,800 Oh, I'll take a tea as well. 46 00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:24,960 Right, tea for you and I'll take a tea. 47 00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:27,040 What would you like, Colin? 48 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:29,040 What was the question again? 49 00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:30,680 I'll make a pot. 50 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:37,280 DOORBELL 51 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:37,280 Oh! I'll go. 52 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:40,000 Right. 53 00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:47,400 Ah, Christine. 54 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:49,240 How's he doing? 55 00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:51,840 I just happened to see him come into you. 56 00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:53,240 Not bad. 57 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,200 He's just popped in for a cup of tea. 58 00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:56,800 Oh, that's good. 59 00:02:56,800 --> 00:03:00,080 And has he told you exactly what's happened yet? 60 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:03,800 I don't think he's ready to go into all that just yet. 61 00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:05,760 Understandable. 62 00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:08,920 When d'you think he WILL be ready? 63 00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:13,040 I'm just asking as a friend. 64 00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:17,320 Look, come in and say a quick hello, but go easy on him. 65 00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:19,240 Softly, softly. 66 00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:25,520 So she's left you, then? 67 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:27,160 Christine! Oh... 68 00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:30,440 Apologies, apologies. Too much, too soon. 69 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:33,600 Let me get sat down. 70 00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:36,320 Here we go. Oh... 71 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:40,280 So, 72 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:42,960 she away with somebody else or had she just had enough? 73 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:44,840 Christine, for God's sake. 74 00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:46,560 No, it's all right, Eric. 75 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,520 It's gonna come out at some point. 76 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:51,000 What happened was... 77 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:52,360 Er, hold on wee a minute, 78 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:54,040 just till I get myself comfy. 79 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:55,840 That's it. Wee cushion there. 80 00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:57,360 That's it. 81 00:03:57,360 --> 00:03:58,960 Aye. On you go. 82 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:04,040 So, we were thinking about buying an apartment, 83 00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:05,680 out in Sharm El Sheikh. 84 00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:07,080 Sorry? 85 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,560 Sharm El Sheikh. 86 00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:09,800 Egypt. 87 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:11,320 Oh, right. 88 00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:12,720 So, anyway... 89 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:14,200 Why Egypt? 90 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:16,800 Christine, just let him talk. 91 00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:20,080 Cathy loved it out there. Great weather, 92 00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:21,720 good shops and no bother 93 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,720 about where you can smoke. 94 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:29,080 So, we'd lined up a couple of places to go and see, 95 00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:31,680 but then I couldn't go 96 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:34,640 so I says, "Why don't you just go on your own, 97 00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:36,600 "so we don't miss out on it?" 98 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:38,880 So that was the plan. 99 00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:41,600 She'd go out, look at the apartments, 100 00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:45,160 put a deposit down and head straight back. 101 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:47,440 But then... 102 00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:50,760 She got stuck in to the duty free and shagged somebody else. 103 00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:52,960 Oh, for goodness' sake. 104 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,760 Was he local? See, that can happen. 105 00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:59,520 When Pat went to the Gambia, she was offered the works 106 00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:01,520 in exchange for her Celtic top. 107 00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:06,080 He was the sales agent at the apartments. 108 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:07,640 Oh. Ooooh. 109 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:11,160 He would've been hitting her with all the patter, 110 00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:13,480 turning her head with what could be. 111 00:05:14,840 --> 00:05:17,600 It's like me with that guy with the roller blinds. 112 00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:21,920 If I had not had my wits about me, I could have ended up doing away 113 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:23,840 with every curtain in my house. 114 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:28,680 And is she definitely not coming back? 115 00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:31,480 Nope. 116 00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:33,320 She says that's it. 117 00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:36,000 Oh, I'm so sorry, Colin. 118 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:38,000 There's nothing you could have done. 119 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:39,880 He could have bought in Tenerife. 120 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:44,200 Let's just maybe leave it there, eh? 121 00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:47,040 Yes, I think that's enough for now. 122 00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:51,040 Have you spoken to her? 123 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:52,600 I've left a few messages. 124 00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:54,400 How many? Today? 125 00:05:55,920 --> 00:06:00,320 I-I just, I just can't believe it. I mean, what am I gonna do? 126 00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:04,480 I know this feels awful now, Colin, 127 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:06,600 but you will get over this. 128 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:09,720 And we're all here to help, aren't we? 129 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:11,640 Absolutely. You know, 130 00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:14,600 it's times like these that you need friends around you 131 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:16,000 and-and we are here for you. 132 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:20,120 And see if you're burning any clothes, 133 00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:23,480 let me take a look through the bags for you first. 134 00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:25,400 DOORBELL 135 00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:31,560 Oh, hello! Hi! 136 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:33,760 Hiya, Mum. Gordon's got some news. 137 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:37,720 Ooh! Oh, come in, come in. 138 00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:40,560 Hi, boys! 139 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:44,360 Hiya. Sorry to interrupt, but Gordon's got some news. 140 00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:46,200 - I got the job. - Did you? 141 00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:48,160 - I did! - Aw, that's fantastic. 142 00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:50,400 What's this? Gordon's got a new job. 143 00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:54,080 Oh, thank Christ you're away from that stupid car-hire place. 144 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:57,000 Actually, it's a promotion to branch manager. 145 00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,760 Congratulations. 146 00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:01,640 That's great news, I'm really pleased for you. 147 00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:04,040 Cheers, Colin. 148 00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:04,040 Aye, cheers, Colin. 149 00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:05,680 How's everything with you? 150 00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:07,760 Absolutely terrible. 151 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,280 Oh. 152 00:07:09,280 --> 00:07:12,080 Cathy's shacked up with an estate agent in... 153 00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:13,600 Where is it again, Beth? 154 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:15,440 Sharm El Sheikh. 155 00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:17,080 Egypt, Ian. 156 00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:18,640 Sun all year. 157 00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:20,080 Although you two would 158 00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:22,000 have to pretend to be cousins. 159 00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:26,160 I'm really sorry to hear that, Colin. 160 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:28,880 Mm. Do you think there's a chance she might come back? 161 00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:30,680 I...I don't know. 162 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:33,080 Well, at least if you end up having to sell your house, 163 00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:34,320 you've got someone who... 164 00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:36,840 Or maybe one of the local agents would be better. 165 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,400 - So when do you start, then? - End of the month. 166 00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:45,920 Oh, right, quite soon. 167 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:48,480 What was the interview like? It was quite tough. 168 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:52,080 There was a woman from head office in Swansea came up for it 169 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:55,000 and a guy from HR and my area manager. 170 00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:57,520 Ooh. Could you no have saved everybody the bother 171 00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,920 and just ticked the box that said you were gay? 172 00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:03,440 I remember MY first promotion. 173 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:06,560 I'd gone after the sales manager's position at the place 174 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:09,640 where I was working. Didn't think I had a hope in hell of getting it. 175 00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:11,920 You know, just went in, I was totally relaxed 176 00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:14,440 and just rattled through. Next thing I get the call, 177 00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:17,440 "You've got the job." Aw. And I tell you what, 178 00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:18,800 see that night, 179 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:20,880 when I went home to tell Cathy, 180 00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:23,400 she was...over the moon. 181 00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:25,040 Was she? 182 00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:28,080 Proper celebrations. You know, like champagne, 183 00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:30,320 takeaway 184 00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:31,960 and then upstairs. 185 00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:34,080 Oh, Jesus. 186 00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:36,720 See that night, 187 00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:38,280 that 188 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:40,160 was dynamite. 189 00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:42,360 There was not one corner 190 00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:44,240 of that bedroom we were not in. 191 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:47,320 Anyway, Colin... She was very open-minded as well. I mean, 192 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:51,160 some of the...some of the stuff she was doing, I mean, well, 193 00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:53,000 I'd only ever seen it on VHS. 194 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,200 Why don't I get on with that tea? Yes, please. 195 00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:59,720 So, Dad, erm... 196 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:02,200 Was it the wheelbarrow she did, Colin? 197 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:10,120 So, are you taking care of yourself, Colin? 198 00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:12,920 You look as if you've lost a wee bit of weight. 199 00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:15,360 No, no, I am. 200 00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:18,120 I fried an egg last night. 201 00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:21,000 Oh, that's good. What did you have with it? 202 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,800 Half bottle of Whyte & Mackay. 203 00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:25,000 If you cannae be arsed cooking, 204 00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:28,280 there's a lot of choice now when it comes to meals for one. 205 00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:31,480 Although the single portion is sometimes 206 00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:33,040 a wee bit too wee. 207 00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:36,680 And the one that serves two 208 00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:38,280 is sometimes too big. 209 00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:40,880 You can just keep some for the next night, I suppose. 210 00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:42,280 Aye, you could, 211 00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:43,840 but what you actually do is 212 00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:45,680 hoover the whole fucking lot. 213 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:50,200 Cooking's quite a good thing to help take your mind off stuff. 214 00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:53,200 It is, isn't it? The night before my interview, 215 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:55,200 I cooked a big lentil risotto. 216 00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:58,000 Mm, that calmed you down, did it? 217 00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:01,440 Along with the beta blockers and my CBD oil, yeah. 218 00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:04,280 Do you have a few things you can make, Colin? 219 00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:07,600 Well, well, fried eggs, 220 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:09,880 er, I'm...I'm not bad 221 00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:11,560 at toast, 222 00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:13,400 and I can do oven chips. 223 00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:16,880 Why don't I make you something? 224 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:18,480 Eh? 225 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:21,680 Why don't I make you something to eat that you can take away? 226 00:10:21,680 --> 00:10:24,920 Aye. You need to make sure you're getting something decent to eat. 227 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:26,720 What about a macaroni? 228 00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:29,600 Aw, Mum's macaroni is the best. 229 00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:31,960 Depends on the cheese, Ian. 230 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:35,840 I've had a few off her, and they've been a bit on the bland side. 231 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:38,640 Why don't I make you macaroni cheese, 232 00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:41,600 pop it in some Tupperwares and then you'll have something 233 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:44,400 you can just heat up when you want it. 234 00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:47,440 Aye. Aye, OK, Beth. 235 00:10:47,440 --> 00:10:49,880 And...and thank you, Beth. 236 00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:55,760 You know, somebody should really think about bringing out 237 00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:58,040 a cookbook for single men. 238 00:10:58,040 --> 00:11:00,480 You could do it in sections - 239 00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:02,640 one for when she's just left, 240 00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:05,320 one for when you're getting back on your feet 241 00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:07,200 and one when you've moved on 242 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,240 and you've got another wife. 243 00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:12,840 Well, actually, then you could just throw it away. 244 00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:19,120 I was just thinking, do you want to come and watch me? 245 00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:22,840 Huh? Well, if you watch me make it, then maybe you'll be able 246 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:24,280 to make it for yourself. 247 00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:28,400 Well. Aye. 248 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:33,600 Why not, eh? What have I got to lose? 249 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:37,640 You CAN buy jars or packets, 250 00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:41,200 but I always think it's best made from scratch. 251 00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:43,200 So, butter... 252 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:46,240 ..milk, 253 00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:47,880 flour. 254 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:49,920 You're going to make yourself a roux. 255 00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:54,600 Now, you take this 256 00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:58,000 and when the butter's melted, you can do some stirring. 257 00:11:58,000 --> 00:11:59,040 Huh? 258 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:03,040 And, you know, once you know how to make a roux, you can make lots 259 00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:04,760 of different things but, for today, 260 00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:07,680 we're just going to focus on the macaroni. 261 00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:09,880 What am I doing? 262 00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:11,520 Huh? 263 00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:12,960 What is this? 264 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:16,040 Why am I watching you cooking? 265 00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:21,480 So that you can learn how to make something nice to eat for yourself? 266 00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:28,200 I think you'd better come through. 267 00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:39,080 You all right there, Colin? 268 00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:40,840 What's happened to me, Eric? 269 00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:42,560 Look, you've had a big shock, 270 00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:44,160 but we're all here for you. 271 00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:45,680 You'll get through it. 272 00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:47,400 But I miss her. 273 00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:49,720 And it's not just the sex, 274 00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:52,000 although that was very satisfying, 275 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:54,160 it's the physical contact, 276 00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:56,760 just having someone to snuggle up with. 277 00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:00,200 I'm on my own noo. 278 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:25,240 Yeah. There, there, there. 279 00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:29,240 COLIN WHIMPERS 280 00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:34,600 Yeah. That's...that's us. 281 00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:37,040 There you go, there you go, there you go. 282 00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:40,720 Why don't you get a wee bit of fresh air, Colin? 283 00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:44,720 Ian, take Colin out and get him a wee bit of fresh air. 284 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:47,320 Come on out the back, Colin. 285 00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:04,560 Nice to get out for a wee bit of fresh air. 286 00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:06,520 It is, aye. 287 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:08,400 Clears the head a bit. 288 00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:10,360 It does, Ian, aye. 289 00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:12,320 I mean, 290 00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:14,520 it is a dump out here, 291 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:15,880 but even still. 292 00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:20,280 I had a very bad break-up with a guy once. 293 00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:23,160 When I was 20. I couldn't stop crying, 294 00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:25,760 so I went to the doctor. 295 00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:28,560 He put me on antidepressants but I was still crying. 296 00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:32,480 Then one night I went out walking and, um, 297 00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:35,360 Mum didn't know where I was so she called the police 298 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:37,800 and they came and picked me up. 299 00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:39,800 Anyway, I went back to the doctor 300 00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:41,560 and he upped the dose 301 00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:43,600 and things started to settle down 302 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:48,520 and then I got back into my badminton again so... 303 00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:53,840 Listen, 304 00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:58,640 I know it might not feel like it at the minute, but it will be OK. 305 00:14:58,640 --> 00:14:59,840 Will it? 306 00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:03,400 Of course it will, it'll just take time. 307 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:06,840 And you never know, it might even work out for the best. 308 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:08,160 What do you mean? 309 00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:11,000 Well, you might be better off without her. 310 00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:14,840 And if not, 311 00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:16,800 then maybe try a racquet sport. 312 00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:20,360 What are we going to do? 313 00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:24,480 Well, you should definitely finish the macaroni. 314 00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:27,120 What do YOU think? 315 00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:29,040 I don't know. 316 00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:32,960 We have to try and take his mind off it as best we can. 317 00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:36,760 MUSIC: Theme from Emmerdale 318 00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:45,720 I mean, it's in a nice spot 319 00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:48,000 but they've got a very poor selection 320 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,800 of draught in that Woolpack. 321 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:51,200 Mm-hm. 322 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,920 Compared to the Rovers, Beth. 323 00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:56,480 Yes. They've got a full line-up of bitter. 324 00:15:57,640 --> 00:16:01,280 Betty used to stand and physically pump it out. 325 00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:04,440 Betty Turpin, Eric? 326 00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:06,040 Mmm. 327 00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:08,120 Aye, she was a big friendly thing. 328 00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:10,800 Are you a fan of the soaps, are you? 329 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:14,800 Oh, yes. They have been good friends to me, Gordon. 330 00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:17,680 I used to sit when Sophie was wee, 331 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:20,920 and I would explain who everybody was. 332 00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:26,160 That's Deirdre. She's with Samir. 333 00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:28,760 She used to be married to Ken, 334 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:30,520 but she had a thing with Mike, 335 00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:32,920 who is now living with Alma, 336 00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:35,960 who previously had been seeing Ken. 337 00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:38,520 The one we always liked was Brookside. 338 00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:41,160 Oh, aye, Bobby and Sheila. 339 00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:44,320 Do you remember Brookside, Colin? 340 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:46,520 Was that the one that was set in Liverpool? 341 00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:48,600 Yes, it was. Did you watch it? 342 00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:49,680 No. 343 00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:53,320 We watch Hollyoaks sometimes. 344 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:54,880 Oh, I've never watched that. 345 00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:56,400 Has it got a pub in it? 346 00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:58,040 Yeah... The Dog. 347 00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:59,400 The Dog, yeah. 348 00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:01,920 And what do THEY serve in the way of draught? 349 00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:04,920 Maybe this is a good thing. 350 00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:07,560 What's that, Colin? Maybe it's a good thing. 351 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:10,040 That's what they were saying out the back. 352 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:12,480 I might actually be better off without her. 353 00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:17,480 Well, she WAS a bit of a handful. 354 00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:21,840 Aye. Well, you never quite knew what you were going to get, did you? 355 00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:24,200 You knew what SHE was going to get - 356 00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:25,800 fucking plastered. 357 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,400 She liked a drink. 358 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:28,920 Oh, she'd have taken it 359 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:30,520 through a shitty cloot. 360 00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:32,200 She used to kiss me on the mouth 361 00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:34,440 and I could always taste stale alcohol. 362 00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:36,040 And cigarettes. 363 00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:38,280 And sometimes mints if she'd been driving. 364 00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:41,120 Well, yeah, she could get a bit carried away. 365 00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:42,600 She was a nightmare. 366 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:44,680 She'd come in for a cup of tea, 367 00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:46,880 the next thing she's got the wine cracked open 368 00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:49,280 and she's making you sit up till all hours. 369 00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:51,040 She just used you, Mum. 370 00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:52,520 She did, Ian. 371 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:57,400 She used to invite herself in here all the time. 372 00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:01,720 She did tend to take over a bit. 373 00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:04,400 I thought you were best friends. 374 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:05,840 Me and Cathy? 375 00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:06,920 Yeah! 376 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:08,640 Were you not? 377 00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:10,080 Well... 378 00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:12,760 I mean... 379 00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:18,000 The thing about Cathy is, she only cares about herself. 380 00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:22,400 DOORBELL 381 00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:28,280 Oh, hi! Hi, Beth. Sorry to bother you. 382 00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:30,600 You didn't happen to take a parcel in for me, did you? 383 00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:31,800 Oh, yes. Come in, come in. 384 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:36,720 Hi, Michelle. 385 00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:40,040 Hiya. Oh, so sorry, I didn't realise you had people in. 386 00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:41,760 Hello, Michelle. 387 00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:43,680 Hiya. How you doing? 388 00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:45,560 How are you, Colin? 389 00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:47,640 I'm not bad, Michelle. 390 00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:51,040 Did you hear that Cathy's left him for an estate agent? 391 00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:53,720 Are they going to live in those apartments 392 00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:56,560 or has he got an actual house with a garden? 393 00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:58,920 Aye, all right, Christine. 394 00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:00,800 I'm really sorry, Colin. 395 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:02,760 Ach, it's OK. They, 396 00:19:02,760 --> 00:19:05,520 they've been saying that it might turn out to be for the best. 397 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,960 Well, yeah. There's still plenty of life in you. Oh, aye. 398 00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:11,240 I never had any trouble with THAT. 399 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:13,000 Oh, I wasn't meaning anything... 400 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:16,640 You could meet someone else. Oh, I don't know. 401 00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:17,960 Our neighbour's wife left him 402 00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:21,280 and he met a woman who runs a fish farm. 403 00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:24,240 My friend, Fiona, her partner left her for somebody else, 404 00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:26,320 but she's already engaged to another guy 405 00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:28,640 and he's much better looking, actually. Ooh! 406 00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:31,120 Yeah. And do you know what? See when her divorce came through, 407 00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:33,120 she had a party. Did she? 408 00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:37,000 I mean, it sounds a bit mad, but it was absolutely brilliant. 409 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,640 She invited us all around, she got the champagne open, 410 00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:42,040 sang songs and then she took her wedding ring off 411 00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:43,880 and flushed it down the toilet. 412 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:45,480 Oh! 413 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:45,480 CHUCKLING 414 00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:47,000 I lost a charm off 415 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:49,840 a bracelet down a caravan toilet once. 416 00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:51,160 You remember that, Beth? 417 00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:53,680 I do. It was fully plumbed in, 418 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:57,480 so there was no chance of sifting through the tank. 419 00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:00,520 Just give it time, Colin. 420 00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:03,800 It's hard going just now but you'll get through it. 421 00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:06,200 Aye, and once you get back out there, 422 00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:08,320 you never know what'll happen. 423 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:10,600 Aye, but who would I go out with? 424 00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:13,480 I mean, I'm used to going out in a couple. 425 00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:15,880 I don't even know where single people go. 426 00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:17,640 Well, there was a car park 427 00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:20,400 that Pat's son Michael used to drive to, 428 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,400 and that was VERY popular. 429 00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:27,160 You can come out with us if you want. Aye? 430 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:29,520 Yeah, if you want. Aww. 431 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:32,360 Thanks boys, that means a lot. 432 00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:35,680 No gay pubs, though, eh? 433 00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:38,560 I just think you'll look back on this in a few years' time 434 00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:41,080 and realise it was all just the way it was meant to be. 435 00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:44,280 Do you know what, you're probably right, Michelle. 436 00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:45,720 And Cath... 437 00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:51,120 I suppose she could be a bit much sometimes, couldn't she? 438 00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:53,080 She was a pain in the arse. 439 00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:55,520 Christine! Aw, come on, 440 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:58,200 it was like living next door to a fucking hyena. 441 00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:04,960 Well, there was certainly never a dull moment, was there? 442 00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:06,360 Oh, aye. Oh, 443 00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:07,960 remember that time she ended up 444 00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:09,760 on the roof of the garage out there? 445 00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:12,520 The first time I was ever in your house, 446 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:15,120 she nearly burned the whole place down, do you remember that? 447 00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:16,400 I do, yes. 448 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:19,280 I've got a good jumper upstairs that still smells of smoke.! 449 00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:23,680 Remember when she went for the Tesco delivery guy with 450 00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:25,520 a golf club because he dropped 451 00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:27,920 her bottle of Bacardi on the driveway? 452 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,880 Do you know what, I'm going to ring her. 453 00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:37,680 What? No, now Colin, h-hold on a minute. I... 454 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:40,040 No, no, I'm going to ring her, Beth. I want to. 455 00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:42,440 I've got a few last things I want to say to her. 456 00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:45,440 Oh, oh, wait, where's my phone, Beth? 457 00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:47,080 What do you need your phone for? 458 00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:48,480 I'm going to film it. 459 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:50,880 Right... 460 00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:52,760 RINGING TONE 461 00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:57,280 It's voicemail. 462 00:21:57,280 --> 00:21:58,720 BEEP 463 00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:01,520 Cath, it's me, Colin. 464 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:05,680 This is the last message I will ever leave you. 465 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:09,080 Now, I-I know I said that earlier today 466 00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:11,720 and a few times yesterday, but I do mean it. 467 00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:13,880 What we had, Cath... 468 00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:17,080 ..it was special 469 00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:18,520 but it's over. 470 00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:21,240 And I accept that. 471 00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:24,040 I'm moving on. 472 00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:27,120 I am feeling positive about the future. 473 00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:30,960 Ian and Gordon have said they'll take me out 474 00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:32,920 to a mainstream venue. 475 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:36,080 And...and Michelle, well... 476 00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:38,960 ..she's as good as promised 477 00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,680 to hook me up with some of her pals. 478 00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:44,160 And Beth 479 00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:46,760 has taught me how to make macaroni cheese. 480 00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:51,320 So, this is it, Cath, this is goodbye. 481 00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:54,760 No hard feelings, you take care. 482 00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:58,040 I wish you all the very best. 483 00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:01,840 And by the way, 484 00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:03,440 everyone here thinks 485 00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:05,640 you're a pain in the arse. 486 00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:07,280 Bye now. 487 00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:12,920 Aw, 488 00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:15,200 I forgot to press the button. 489 00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:18,080 Could you do it again? 490 00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:24,680 PHONE ALERT 491 00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:24,680 Oh! 492 00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:28,960 That's Alan, wondering where I am. 493 00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:33,440 What are you going to be doing in this new job, then, Gordon? 494 00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:35,000 Oh, have you got a new job? 495 00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:37,960 Yeah, I got a promotion. I'm going to be managing a team. 496 00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:41,160 Ooh, that's brilliant, congratulations. 497 00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:43,320 When I worked in sales, 498 00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:45,680 WE had a manager who was homosexual. 499 00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:47,280 Did you? 500 00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:49,240 Aye, we-we just ignored him, though. 501 00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:53,400 My friend that I was just talking about, 502 00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:56,360 she's just got a promotion at work as well. Oh, has she? 503 00:23:56,360 --> 00:23:58,320 Is that the one that got the divorce? Yeah. 504 00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:00,440 And she had a party to celebrate it? Yeah. 505 00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:03,880 You know, I can understand that. I can. You know, you just, 506 00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:06,480 just showing everyone that you're ready to move on. 507 00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:08,000 Honestly it was such a good laugh. 508 00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:11,320 We were all singing I Will Survive at the top of our voices. 509 00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:13,760 Oh, that's a classic, that one, isn't it? 510 00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:16,520 Have you got it, Beth? Well, probably have it somewhere. 511 00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:18,000 Well, stick it on. 512 00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:20,320 Well, I'd have to dig it out. 513 00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:22,760 Well, you-you got it on your phone, any one of you? 514 00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:27,080 Go on, put it on. I want to hear it. 515 00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:31,400 MUSIC BEGINS 516 00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:38,320 # At first I was afraid I was petrified 517 00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:42,040 # Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side 518 00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:46,360 # But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong 519 00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:50,400 # And I grew strong and I learned how to get along 520 00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:53,840 # And so you're back from outer space 521 00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:58,880 # I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face 522 00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:00,840 # I should have changed that stupid lock 523 00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:03,000 # I should have made you leave your key 524 00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:04,960 # If I'd have known for just one second 525 00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:06,960 # You'd be back to bother me 526 00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:08,120 # Go on, now, go... # 527 00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:11,600 This is for me. This-this could have been written about me. 528 00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:16,080 # Just turn around now, cos you're not welcome any more 529 00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:18,880 # Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye? 530 00:25:18,880 --> 00:25:20,840 # Did you think I'd crumble? 531 00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:22,960 # Did you think I'd lay down and die? # 532 00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:26,040 Mum, we're maybe gonna go. Yes, yes, right. 533 00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:28,920 Yeah, we're maybe gonna get a takeaway on the way home 534 00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:30,680 as a wee treat. Oh, quite right. 535 00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:33,960 I think I'm gonna go too, Beth. Right, OK. 536 00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:38,160 It's a shame I don't pass a takeaway on the way home as well. 537 00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:42,920 Do you want some macaroni to take away with you? 538 00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:45,840 Oh, that's a good idea, Beth. 539 00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:51,040 DOORBELL Oh, that'll be Alan. I'll get it. 540 00:25:56,800 --> 00:26:00,120 # It took all the strength I had not to fall apart... # 541 00:26:00,120 --> 00:26:02,480 Do you know this one, do you, Gordon? 542 00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:05,080 We've heard it a few times, Colin, aye. 543 00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:07,000 DOOR CLOSES 544 00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:12,680 # I used to cry But now I hold my head up high... # 545 00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:16,200 Awright? Oh, hi, Alan. 546 00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:18,000 All right? 547 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:19,240 Hi, Alan. 548 00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:22,920 I will survive, Alan. I will survive. 549 00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:25,960 As long as I know how to love, eh, Beth? 550 00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:30,520 I've got my tubs of macaroni and I know I'm still alive. 551 00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:32,560 I'm still alive. 552 00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:35,600 - Mm. - Right, come on. 553 00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:37,440 Bye, everyone. Bye, Christine. 554 00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:39,080 Cheerio, son. 555 00:26:40,120 --> 00:26:42,320 Listen, good luck in the job. 556 00:26:42,320 --> 00:26:44,080 Gordon's got a new job. 557 00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:45,360 Right. 558 00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:47,760 I mean, congratulations. 559 00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:49,680 Come on, we'd better head. 560 00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:52,480 We should maybe make a move too. 561 00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:55,120 Sorry, Colin. 562 00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:55,120 MUSIC STOPS 563 00:26:55,120 --> 00:26:58,400 Ah. Any chance of getting that parcel off you, Beth? 564 00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:01,320 Yes, right, of course. Ah, what you been treating yourself to? 565 00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:04,080 Och, it's nothing, really, just a few brochures. 566 00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:05,960 Oh, aye, what for? 567 00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:07,400 Holiday homes. 568 00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:10,640 Oh. It's just got a few. It's just for Portugal, 569 00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:12,640 Lanzarote and a couple down by Malaga 570 00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:14,680 that we've been chatting about, eh? 571 00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:17,240 My mate's got a place, he's away four times a year, 572 00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:19,560 says it's the best thing he's ever done. 573 00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:21,480 Oh, right. Whereabouts is his? 574 00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:23,280 Sharm El Sheikh. 575 00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:25,840 He swears if we go there, we'll no' want to come back. 576 00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:32,680 # Now go, walk out the door 577 00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:35,360 # Just turn around now 578 00:27:35,360 --> 00:27:38,240 # Cos you're not welcome any more 579 00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:41,960 # Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye? 580 00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:45,640 # Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die? 581 00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:47,640 # Oh, no, not I 582 00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:49,800 # I will survive 583 00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:52,320 # Oh, as long as I know who to love 584 00:27:52,320 --> 00:27:54,080 # I know I'll stay alive 585 00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:56,440 # I've got all my life to live I've got all my love to give... # 66926

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