Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

Is that you away? Aye. What time d'you think they'll be here till?

Oh, I don't know. 11 maybe? 11? Bloody hell.

Well, by the time we have a wee glass of wine or two and hear

everybody's news... You see them all the time. What news?

Never you mind, Alan.

It's a girls' night and that's what we do.

We put something sparkly on, we have a few drinks

and we get a proper catch-up. Fair enough.

Who are you going to meet? Davey McKay.

Oh, Davey M? Aye.

I heard he'd split up with Linda. Is that right enough?

Aye, I think so.

And isn't he talking about taking a job in Dubai?

Aye, I'm not sure what happened with that.

Oh, you're gonna have plenty to catch up on.

What are yous gonna do?

Watch the football.

Thanks, Michelle.

Give me your coats. I'll hang them up for you.

Use a hanger, please, Michelle. Mine's actual leather.

MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY

Ooh.

Right... Sit yourselves down.

Thanks for asking us over.

Oh, any excuse for a wee girls' night.

We've been looking forward to it

all week, haven't we, Cathy?

Have we?

So, did Eric and Colin get away OK?

Yes, they did. Quarter to six the taxi came.

Oh, my God. I set the alarm

for five, so we could have sex before he went.

And, er, was it the Algarve they went?

Er, yes.

I had no idea Eric even played golf, to be honest.

Yeah, he does. He's shit at it, though, Michelle.

Right. So...

...what do you want to drink? A wee glass of prosecco?

Woo-hoo!

I brought prosecco.

I've got a bottle open. I'll pop that in the fridge.

Cathy, glass of prosecco for you? Yes, please, honey.

Oh, and there's vodka in there as well.

Oh, right. Well, we'll maybe save that for later on.

Yeah, give it 15 in the freezer.

This is nice.

Give me a break. What?

It's like being in the fucking Brownies.

What are we going to end up doing?

Getting under the duvet with our torches

and swapping felt-tip pens?

Cathy, just enjoy yourself. What else would you be doing?

Right, here we go.

Oh, thanks, Michelle, honey.

Yes, thanks, Michelle.

Ooh, lovely. So, Alan off out, is he?

Yeah, he's away out to meet his friend Davey.

Anyway, rule number one of girls' night no talking

about your other halves. Oh.

Well, we did this thing at my pal Louise's hen night

where if you mentioned your partner's name,

you have to do a shot. Oh, dear.

It was such a laugh. We were all so pissed.

That's a good idea. Let's do that.

Yeah? I mean, we can if you want to.

Beth, are you up for that? OK. Yeah?

Cathy?

Colin.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, Christine.

Hi, Christine!

Hello, Michelle.

In you come. Aw, it's so good to see you.

How are you doing?

Aye, not bad, Michelle. Not bad.

Awful lot of dog dirt lying on thae pavements at the minute.

You've not stood on anything, have you?

Oh, I don't think so.

Have a wee check for me, hen, will you?

No, you're all right.

I went into one last week with my Crocs on.

What a fucking mess that was. Anyway...

Ah, hi, Christine.

Oh, hi, Beth.

Oh, there's Cath. Hi, Cath.

Mmm.

Eh, what are yous all dolled up for?

Well, just because it's a girls' night.

Aye, but what's with all the sparkly gear,

and the hair all brushed? Are we going out?

No, no, no.

It was just a chance

to put something nice on, get a bit done up.

Well, what's the point of that, if it's only us?

Well... Listen, sit yourself down.

You're here, and that's all that matters.

D'you want me to pop that in the fridge for you?

What?

Do you want me to pop that in the fridge?

I'm not putting that in the fridge. That's my knitting.

Your knitting?

Oh, great.

Aye, well, when you said it was a women's night,

I thought we'd be sitting round with cups of tea

and I would take the chance to get on with my knitting. Aww.

I don't think that's quite what she had in mind.

I was thinking more a few glasses of fizz,

maybe some little nibbles,

and maybe even watch a wee film later on. Ooh.

Oh. Well, if I'd known that,

I'd have put something fresh on my bottom half.

You sit yourself down. I'll get you a wee drink.

So, what is it you're knitting, Christine?

Quickly, Michelle!

I'm doing a wee cardigan for Madison's birthday.

Aw. Oh, she's gonna love that,

her granny knitting her a cardigan.

I got the pattern off of Pat.

She was a very big knitter before the amputation.

It was my gran who taught me to knit. Was it, Beth?

And was she missing any limbs or...?

That's her gonna be three. Mmm.

So I'm knitting her a wee cardy with an elephant on the front.

Aw, that's lovely. Does she like elephants?

Well, she'd better, cos I've been at it for a fortnight.

She's going to love it.

My granny used to knit things for me when I was young.

You know, the wee jumpers and the scarves. Ah.

Wee bobble hats with the pompoms.

Oh...

Oh, I can't talk about it!

Oh, Michelle.

No, I'm fine, I'm fine. Aww.

Cathy, I totally forgot your shot!

Here, Beth, remember that knitting machine I was looking at in Argos?

I do.

I wish to Christ I had bought that

instead of that fucking SodaStream.

Right, here we go.

Oh, ho-ho-ho!

What's all this?

We're playing a game, Christine.

Every time someone mentions their partner's name,

they have to take a shot, and Cathy here

has already said Colin once, so she has to do one.

What is it?

Sambuca.

Ooh.

Ready?

Whoo!

What's it like?

Colin.

Bless you, Michelle.

They're good. Oh, yes.

They're nice and thick, aren't they? Mm.

Better than thae wee thin ones that you buy, Beth.

So, you were saying about the swimming, Beth?

Mm. Oh, yes. See, the difference when you go

when it's one of those all-women sessions...

Oh, I know. The gym's the same.

It's calm. You don't have people

racing up and down, and you can stop and have a wee chat.

What I hate is when you get the guys in the gym staring.

Oh, yeah, I bet she can't stand that.

Just makes you feel like you need to cover yourself up. Mmm.

I always pull my jumper down at the back

when I get on the bus,

just in case I send off the wrong signals.

Well, I wish more people would cover themselves up.

In the changing rooms, at least.

Oh, the big hairy muffs!

LAUGHTER

Who wants to see that?

God! I know.

I've seen Beth's. Twice.

Ah, but what are your options, though, eh?

All that waxing and plucking.

Do you not bother, Christine?

No, I do not.

Oh, God. Not even a wee tidy-up?

No. It's yes to the eyebrows. Yes, to the top lip.

But downstairs is its own boss.

MICHELLE LAUGHS

Oh, you can't beat a girls' night, eh?

You can just talk about anything.

Absolutely.

Except men, right? Right. No talking about men.

That just ends in tears.

That's the only thing about all girls, isn't it?

There's always an argument and always

somebody in tears by the end of the night.

No, none of that. No tears, no falling out, and I promise

not to mention Eric... Oh!

Oh! Oh! Shit.

Ah, you'll need to have one of thae wee drinks there, Beth.

Oh!

Don't worry, Beth, I'll do one with you.

Aye. I'll do a handful of crisps.

Cath, pass us that bowl over, will you?

Here we go. There we go.

Thank you.

Right. Are we ready? After three?

One, two, three.

Oh! Uh...

Whoo!

Well, seeing as I've done one, I get to say

a wee tiny thing about Alan.

Oooh, Alan! Big old Alan and his big dirty van.

It's just a wee thing, I promise.

Ah, go on, Michelle. It's just...

...he never makes an effort about anything.

I mean, look, we organised this night weeks ago

and we went to the trouble to think about

what to bring and what to wear.

And he just texts his mate at the last minute

and sails off down the pub in his old joggy bottoms.

Ah, he's never out of them, Michelle.

It's as if they're glued to his arse.

He's a nightmare, Christine. I buy new stuff for him

all the time, but he just slings it in the drawer.

I bought Colin a cashmere jumper last week. Oh.

And a pair of pants that make his cock look bigger.

I've spent years trying to get Eric to smarten himself up.

Oh, I always think Eric dresses quite nice.

How much of that have you had?

High and Mighty he goes to, Michelle.

Less high, more mighty.

LAUGHTER

You don't know how lucky you are with Colin, Cathy.

Oh, I know. You're just so well turned out,

the both of you. And, you know,

you always seem to get along so well.

Thanks, Michelle. Our relationship

has a very, very strong foundation.

I find if you're happy in the bedroom,

you're happy in every room.

And sometimes the garage. Oh.

Do you ever fall out?

Erm... Well...

...sometimes. What about?

Oh, just the odd little thing he does.

Such as?

Come on, spill the beans, Cathy.

Well...

I don't like the way he pees.

Oh. Eh?

You know, straight into the water.

Oh, the noise.

I've told him to try and bounce it off the sides

or put some paper down, but he just keeps doing it.

Aye, they enjoy aiming for things, Cath.

They're trained for it when they're wee boys -

zip down, winky out, fire straight ahead.

Mm-hm.

Well, I'm not even going to start with the noises

that Alan makes!

In fact, can I ask you a wee question?

Mm.

Do they ever, like, just break wind in front of you?

Er, well...

Yes, little squeaky ones.

Alan does them right in front of me.

That does not surprise me, Michelle.

And, say, if he's been drinking or eating anything spicy,

oh, my God, you need a gas mask.

Oh. That is where living on your own

gives you a great deal of freedom, Michelle. Yeah.

Mind you, there is the occasional evening

I've got to light a wee candle.

And what about Eric, Beth?

Does he do anything that gets on your nerves?

Erm...

Oh, Christ, where d'you start?

Well, actually, Eric's pretty easy to live with.

SHE SCOFFS

Oh, there must be some things he does.

Aye. Thae big yawns when you see his back teeth. Ugh!

Or when he talks. I hate it when he talks.

Erm... Well, I suppose... I mean,

he does have a habit of trimming his nose hair

at the dressing table

and it all goes into my cotton wool.

Oh! Hmm.

That is so gross.

Oh, yes, and he cuts his toenails when he has a bath,

so when I go for a shower I stand on them.

Oh, OK, that is annoying.

Oh...

Oh, but if there's one thing he does that really does annoy me,

when he does a number two...

Oh, Jesus, this is gonna

be like something out of The Exorcist.

No, no, no. It's not the noise. When he comes out,

he always says, without fail,

"Well, that was a day's work in itself."

Oh, Beth!

I do not know how she has lived with him all these years.

If Eric shat in my loo,

I would rip it out and buy a new one.

Poor Eric! What? She deserves a medal.

Och, he's all right.

What? All that running backwards and forwards

that you do for him,

while he just sits back in his chair.

I thought Eric did his bit around the house.

Ah, no.

He just sits there and treats her like a maid.

All that tea, coffee, lunch, dinner.

It's no' a remote control that should be sat on the arm

of that chair, it's a fucking bell.

Excuse me!

If there's anyone who treats me like a maid, it's not Eric,

it's you.

Ooh. Ooh.

Me? Yes, you.

At least Eric does occasionally roll his sleeves up

and, you know, lends a hand.

All you do ever do is waltz in, plonk yourself down

and tell me to put the kettle on.

LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Och, I'm only kidding, Christine.

Christine...

Oh, aye, I see how it is.

Och, I'm teasing, for goodness' sake.

No. I have obviously been unaware

that I am such a burden to you.

You are not a burden.

I'm just saying Eric's not as bad as you make out.

I really don't think Beth meant anything by it, Christine.

You're taking it the wrong way.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You have made yourself perfectly clear.

Christine...

I know where I stand and it's absolutely fine.

Christine...

Can't beat a good girls' night, eh, Beth?

I'm so sorry about this, Michelle.

Beth, don't worry. I know you didn't mean anything by it.

I was only kidding on. I know.

I didn't for one minute think she'd react like this.

Honestly, Beth, it's not your fault.

Michelle, I feel like I've spoiled the whole night.

Don't be daft.

And you've gone to so much trouble organising it.

Maybe I should go home.

You know what? We're gonna sort this out right now.

Come on.

Look, Christine, this is daft.

I organised tonight

so we could all get together and have a laugh,

not sit around being miserable, having fall-outs.

I think you and Beth need to sort this out.

Christine, I am sorry if I upset you with what I said.

It was just a silly comment. I didn't mean anything by it.

And I certainly didn't mean to offend you.

I'm really very sorry.

Make her go on her knees.

You are welcome at my house

any time you like.

And I'd be happy to make you a cup of tea

or whatever you want, whenever you want it.

Whatever I want?

Yes.

Whenever I want it?

Yes.

Well, I suppose if you get that toastie machine fixed

and start knocking out the tuna melts again,

we can put this behind us.

Aww.

Yay!

Bless you, Beth. And listen,

you just let me know whenever you want to come into mine

for a wee cup of coffee.

Really?

Oh, it would be my pleasure.

I'll pop in tomorrow, then.

No, sorry, Beth. Not tomorrow.

How are you getting on with that cardy?

Next year it's a fucking voucher!

MUSIC: Girls Just Want To Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper

OK, ladies, let's get this party started!

Ah, yes, Michelle!

Come on, everybody up.

Oh, Michelle!

Come on, Christine, you too!

Tch, tch, tch. No.

Oh, yes. Oh, no.

Come on! Oh!

MUSIC: Dancing Queen by ABBA

Right, that's me.

That's knackered me.

Ah, time out, ladies.

Boo, Michelle. Time out.

Oh, boo.

Christine, watch, you're sitting on your knitting.

Oh, oh. Christ, so I am.

Ah! Let's see. Give us a look.

I'm there. Aw.

It's no' finished, obviously.

It's coming on, Christine.

I love the wee elephant.

You've got a talent for that, missus.

Oh, aye. I'm actually going to have

plenty of this wool left over

if you're wanting me to knit you a scarf or a wee Rasta hat.

Oh, well, maybe finish the cardy first

and see what's left.

Madison'll love it - a wee cardy from her gran.

Aww. It must be so hard, being so far away.

It is, Michelle.

I just feel as if I've missed out on so much, you know.

Her first tooth,

her first go at the potty,

first time getting lost in Asda.

Is there no way you can see her more often?

You could move.

You don't need to move.

There's all sort of ways of keeping in touch these days.

Oh, yeah, my friend's mum and dad,

they film wee messages on their phone to send

to the grandkids in New Zealand.

Oh...

What would I film, though?

Anything you want.

Things to let Madison see what your life is like,

what you get up to.

Aye. Huh...

Maybe I could film me going up to the chip shop.

Uh-huh. And then I could show wee Madison

me placing my order

and then the salt and stuff getting put on.

There's one.

I could film me going up to the doctor's,

and Marion behind the desk could say hello

and show her all the mental health pamphlets.

Yeah...

What else? What else do I do with my life?

I think that might be it.

There's lots of things you could record and send to her.

And then, in years to come,

she'll have all those memories of her gran to look back on.

I wish I had some videos of my granny I could watch.

Aww. D'you miss her, do you? I do, yeah.

She was such a brilliant woman.

I mean, she had hardly any money of her own,

but she would always buy us a wee toy

or a wee sweetie from the shop.

She was just one of those people

that put everybody else first.

MICHELLE SOBS

I'm sorry.

I knew if I spoke about her, I'd get upset.

Oh, don't you worry.

Let it out, Michelle. Let it out.

I'll go and get you a wee drop o' loo roll.

Aw, thanks, Christine.

It's silly.

No.

You're all so brilliant.

Aww.

I'm so glad you came.

Especially you, Cathy.

Aw, thanks, Michelle.

Seriously, I know we've not always hit it off, but...

What are you talking about?

Well, it's just sometimes I get a wee feeling

that you've maybe got a bit of a problem with me.

Me? A problem? Where are you getting that from?

Well, I...I don't know. It's just...

...sometimes a feeling I get when we see each other.

But, you know what, maybe I'm just imagining it.

Whatever, it doesn't matter. I just want us to be friends.

Oh, that's so nice.

Isn't that nice, Cathy?

Uh-huh.

Give us a hug.

What?

Give us a hug.

Huh...

Beth. Aww.

Aw...

What's going on here?

Oh, OK, that's enough.

Thank you. That's enough.

There you are.

Oh, dear.

What time is it?

Don't even think about leaving, missus.

It's still early, and we've not even watched the film yet.

Ooh, what film are we getting, Michelle?

Any one you want.

Have you got Predator, Michelle?

I was thinking more of a girlie film.

How about Crocodile Dundee? Oh, God.

What about Grease? We're not watching fucking Grease!

I know... What about Dirty Dancing?

Oh, Dirty Dancing! I absolutely love that film!

What about... something actually dirty?

What?

Something where they go all the way.

Let's watch a porno.

Cathy.

Come on. Just for a laugh.

No.

Well, don't tell me you've never seen one.

Me? Er, yeah, of course I've seen one.

Well, what d'you like?

What? What sort of stuff are you into?

Oh, Cathy...

Well, I've only seen little bits of some, to be honest.

They're all much the same, Michelle.

Plumber turns up at the door to fix the sink.

Next thing you know, he's got his dungarees round his ankles

and she's up on the kitchen table writhing like an eel.

Ah, no, it's all different now. It's all online,

it's different categories and stuff.

How d'you mean, categories?

Michelle, where's your laptop?

Oh, no.

Michelle, girls' night! Bit of fun.

I cannot believe we're doing this.

Oh, boom!

I'm going to get a glass of water.

Can I get anybody anything else?

Ah, well, if we're watching pornography, Beth,

I'll take a coffee.

OK. What's your password?

Shelly86.

Oh, er...

Here we go.

Here along the top is all

the different categories of stuff.

It's not that dissimilar to the layout o' the B&Q site.

OK, so what shall we watch?

There's amateurs, anal,

Asian, big tits, big dick, blow job,

bondage, bi MMF.

What's that?

Bisexual male-male-female.

It's actually quite good.

Cathy, just pick something not too strong. OK.

Oh, thanks. Beth, interracial threesome or underwater hand job?

What?

PANTING

GROANING

Ponytail's just getting in the road.

She should have that up in a bun.

PANTING

GROANING

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

All right?

You all right? Good, aye.

Hi, Alan.

GROANING

GROANING STOPS

So, you had a nice night?

Aye, good. How was yours?

Yeah, it's been great, hasn't it?

Yes, lovely. Had a few drinks and a nice chat.

Aw, yeah. I went and got a wee bit upset,

but they were all brilliant, and we had a nice wee hug, didn't we?

Mm-hm. Yes.

Oh, and we had the music on as well.

Oh, yeah, we were up dancing

and Christine was showing us her moves, weren't you?

Aye, I was.

And then that was us

just making a start on the porn there, Alan.

Oh.

Thank you so much, Michelle. It was just lovely.

Aw, you're welcome. We should do it more often.

Aw, yeah.

Thanks, Michelle.

And you let me know if you want me to help you with that thing for

Madison, the wee video. Aye.

Maybe we could try to do something on Tuesday

when it's blue bin day.

Yeah.

Thanks, hen.

Right, come on.

Thanks for coming, Cathy.

Oh, no bother, Michelle.

It's so good to see you.

Oh, I was actually saying Colin quite a lot in my head tonight,

so I've just taken that bottle of sambuca with me.

Bye, now. Bye. See you later.

Cheerio. Bye. Aw.

So, you had a good night, then?

Aye. No' bad, aye.

How's Davey?

Aye. Fine, aye.

Has he split up with Linda? Don't know. Never asked.

Right, well, I think I'm ready to head upstairs.

Are you...?

Do you fancy coming upstairs?

Oh, for...?

Uh-huh. Aye, all right.

Two ticks, till I get a wee glass of milk.

We ended up going for an Indian.

Oh.

# Dancing queen

# Young and sweet

# Only 17

# Dancing queen

# Feel the beat from the tambourine

# Oh, yeah

# You can dance

# You can jive

# Having the time of your life

# Ooh, see that girl... #