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This programme contains
some strong language
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00:00:04,640 --> 00:00:05,800
DOORBELL RINGS
3
00:00:05,800 --> 00:00:07,800
All right? All right?
4
00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:09,200
You all right, aye?
5
00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:11,200
Aye. Not bad. I'm all right.
How's you?
6
00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:12,240
Aye, I'm all right.
7
00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:14,280
You want to come in?
8
00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:16,640
All right.
9
00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:22,160
You been in here since
we done it up?
10
00:00:22,160 --> 00:00:23,800
Nup. What d'you think?
11
00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:26,080
You no' got your telly
up on the wall?
12
00:00:26,080 --> 00:00:28,640
Nah, Michelle wanted it on a unit.
13
00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:31,680
Get it up on the wall.
What d'you need the fire for?
14
00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:33,040
Dunno.
15
00:00:33,040 --> 00:00:35,040
Get shot of the fire, get a bracket,
16
00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:36,280
get it up on the wall.
17
00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:39,440
Right, shall we do these rings,
then?
18
00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:41,720
You no' got a box for these?
19
00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:43,960
No. Carol Ann wants them
on a cushion.
20
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:45,120
Right.
21
00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:50,440
Have I to bring the cushion? No.
You've just to bring the rings.
22
00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:52,360
Right.
23
00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:52,360
DOOR OPENS
24
00:00:56,880 --> 00:00:58,240
Oh, hi, Michael.
25
00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:00,240
Oh, hello, Michelle. How you doing?
26
00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:02,400
I'm good, thanks. How's you?
Oh, I'm fine, Michelle,
27
00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:03,440
thank you very much.
28
00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:05,120
I'm just in giving Alan the rings.
29
00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:07,680
Oh, exciting!
30
00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:09,680
How are you feeling?
How's Carol Ann?
31
00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:11,800
She's good, aye. She's away
to the hairdresser's.
32
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:13,600
Oh, I thought she was getting
that done
33
00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:15,080
on Saturday morning at the house?
34
00:01:15,080 --> 00:01:16,520
Oh, no, she is,
35
00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:17,840
but she's away getting waxed.
36
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:20,080
Oh. I don't mind it either way,
37
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,800
but she wanted the whole lot off,
38
00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:24,200
seeing as it's the wedding.
Aw, that'll be nice.
39
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:28,160
Before I forget, I got
a wee something for you
40
00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:29,480
that I saw when I was in town.
41
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:30,720
Oh, right.
42
00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:32,680
It's just something I thought
would be nice for the tables.
43
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:35,200
You know, quite romantic.
44
00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:36,320
But they're in the car.
45
00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:38,160
I'll go and get them just now.
46
00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:40,320
All right, eh, thanks very much,
Michelle.
47
00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:41,920
That's very much appreciated.
48
00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:44,920
DOOR CLOSES
49
00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:46,120
She no' wearing a bra?
50
00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:06,600
CAR HORN TOOTS
51
00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:09,040
Oh, hiya. Hello, Michelle.
52
00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:10,360
Hi, Beth.
53
00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:11,400
Hiya.
54
00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:14,400
Look what I got, Michelle.
Slug pellets.
55
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:16,440
MICHELLE CHUCKLES POLITELY
56
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:16,440
Oh, right.
57
00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:17,960
Aye. You want a handful?
58
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:21,040
No, I'm all right. Are you sure?
59
00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:24,160
I've seen trails on your slabs.
60
00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:26,040
No, honestly.
61
00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:28,640
Listen, I don't mean to be rude,
62
00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:30,880
but Alan's brother's in here
at the minute, so...
63
00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:34,240
Oh, yes, of course.
Not long now. Saturday, is it?
64
00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:36,000
Yeah, Saturday.
65
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:39,120
What's this? Alan's brother's
getting married this weekend.
66
00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:41,280
Aw, is he, Michelle?
67
00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:45,280
Yeah. Alan's best man, so there's
quite a lot going on.
68
00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:46,840
Your Alan?
69
00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:48,200
Yeah, so...
70
00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:50,080
Best man? Uh-huh.
71
00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:51,680
Has somebody dropped out?
72
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,760
Right, well, I'll let you get on.
Okey dokey.
73
00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:57,560
Bring him over.
74
00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:00,000
Sorry? Bring him over,
75
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:03,440
so we can wish him all the best
for the big day.
76
00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:06,760
Oh...we've still got quite
a lot of stuff to do, so...
77
00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:09,680
Oh, Beth, Beth,
you want to meet the boy
78
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:11,840
and wish him good luck, do you not?
79
00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:13,440
Well, yes, but, erm...
80
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:16,680
Ah, come over.
In about five minutes, eh?
81
00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:20,360
I'll get her to put some of these
into a freezer bag for you,
82
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:22,960
and then you can get shot
of those wee bastards
83
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:24,560
before the big day.
Right...
84
00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:26,400
Right, come on, Beth.
85
00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:28,800
Chop chop.
86
00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:28,800
CAR PULLS AWAY
87
00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:33,600
Hello. Hi, Beth.
88
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:36,800
Alan.
89
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:38,480
Beth, this is my brother, Michael.
90
00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:41,520
Hello, Michael. Pleased to meet you.
How are you feeling?
91
00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:44,120
Aye, I'm no' bad.
I'm good, aye. Thank you.
92
00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:46,240
Well, that's good.
How are the nerves?
93
00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:47,760
Aye, they're fine.
94
00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:50,680
The only thing I'm worried about is
this one here making an arse of it.
95
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:53,000
LAUGHTER
96
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:54,400
Well, I'm sure he'll be fine.
97
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,000
Alan, are you looking forward to it?
98
00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:59,120
Oh, aye. it's a free bar
until ten o'clock.
99
00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:09,440
# Con-gratu-lations
100
00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:12,000
# And celebrations! #
101
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:14,960
Ah, hello, Michelle. Hi, Christine.
102
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:16,800
All right, Christine? How you doing?
103
00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:21,680
Ooh, there he is! You get in here
tae I get a proper look at ye.
104
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:27,240
Oh, aye, he's a wee bit better
to look at, eh? Ha.
105
00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:31,080
Still got the same miserable face,
mind you. Do you see that, Beth?
106
00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:33,040
Like a couple of gravediggers!
107
00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:36,040
This is Christine.
108
00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:38,200
She lives next door,
opposite your brother.
109
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,400
Oh, right. Aye.
110
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:45,240
I sometimes see him standing in the
upstairs bedroom inspecting himself.
111
00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:47,480
Did he have a magnifying glass?
112
00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:51,320
Eh? Aw, nothing, just a wee joke.
113
00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:54,520
Now... Oh! I get it, right!
114
00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:57,200
Oh, you're saying that he's got
a wee willy.
115
00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:59,800
SHE CHUCKLES
116
00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:59,800
Aye, very funny.
117
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:04,440
A magnifying glass to see his willy!
Very funny.
118
00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:06,480
Is it a wee tiddler, Michelle?
119
00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:08,280
Oh, sit yourselves down.
120
00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:10,480
We won't stay long, Beth.
121
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:13,600
Aye.
122
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:13,600
CHRISTINE CHUCKLES
123
00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:17,080
You'll have lots to do,
Michelle, eh?
124
00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:18,800
Oh!
125
00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:18,800
CHUCKLING
126
00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:21,200
Saturday's the big day, then, is it?
127
00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:24,600
It is, aye. Two o'clock.
Two o'clock?
128
00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:26,800
Oh, that's a good time.
129
00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:30,920
Two o'clock is an ideal time
for a wedding.
130
00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:33,920
I like my funerals
a wee bit earlier,
131
00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:36,680
so I can get home in time
for The Chase.
132
00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,840
So, who's the lucky lady, eh?
133
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:43,040
Carol Ann. Carol Ann?
134
00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:44,440
Oh, that's nice.
135
00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:46,120
I don't like the name Carol,
136
00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:48,680
but Carol Ann's just no' as bad.
137
00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:51,680
So, is it all coming together, then?
138
00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:54,640
Aye, aye. That was me just dropping
the rings off,
139
00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:56,080
and Carol Ann's away getting her...
140
00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:58,080
She's away getting
some last-minute stuff done.
141
00:05:58,080 --> 00:05:59,200
Oh.
142
00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:02,160
Now, you'll be running about
like a blue-arsed fly yourself,
143
00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:03,800
are you no'?
Not really, to be honest.
144
00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:07,240
Carol Ann and her bridesmaid have
actually sorted most of it, so...
145
00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:10,120
Oh, what's she called? Claire.
146
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:11,760
Claire.
147
00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:13,600
See, I don't like that name either.
148
00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:17,120
Well, her mum's been
really helpful as well, so...
149
00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:19,960
Oh, that's lovely. Oh, yes. Mm.
150
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,440
It's a big, big day for the mother
of the bride.
151
00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:25,520
Mm-hm. Ah, just think, Beth,
152
00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:28,040
you'll never get to experience that.
153
00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:30,000
It's a son she's got,
154
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:33,160
and he's gay, so she'll get nothing.
155
00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:36,920
BETH SIGHS
156
00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:36,920
So, who'd like a tea or coffee?
157
00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:38,280
I'd take a tea off you, Beth.
158
00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:41,480
Michael? Aye, aye, I'll take
a coffee, if it's no bother.
159
00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:42,880
No bother at all.
160
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:45,120
Hey, and none of your Kenco shite.
161
00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:47,000
You've got a visitor here.
162
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,360
Michelle? I'll come and
give you a hand, Beth.
163
00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:51,040
No, no. Stay where you are.
164
00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:53,440
Just a cup of tea, then, please.
165
00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:56,280
Mibbe something nice
to go along with it, Beth?
166
00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:57,800
Like what?
167
00:06:57,800 --> 00:06:59,040
Like a sponge.
168
00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:00,240
A sponge?
169
00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:04,840
Yes! Well, they've got
the wedding on Saturday.
170
00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:07,040
Honestly, Beth, don't go
to any trouble.
171
00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:10,400
I'll check and see. But I'd have
picked something up if I'd known.
172
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:13,280
Not at all. We've just descended
on you. Oh, no.
173
00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:15,920
Well, she made you come, Michelle.
174
00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:18,920
Sorry about this, Michael.
175
00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:25,040
SHE TUTS
176
00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:27,480
So, where's your ceremony,
then, Michael?
177
00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:29,960
St Luke's. Oh, St Luke's is nice.
178
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:32,640
Mmm. Aye, well, it's well named,
179
00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:34,320
cos we looked at every church
in the town
180
00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:35,560
before she picked that one.
181
00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:37,400
CHRISTINE AND MICHELLE CHUCKLE
182
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:38,760
He's funny.
183
00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:42,960
I've been to a wedding there.
It was lovely.
184
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:46,080
Have you, aye?
Mm-hm. And a funeral.
185
00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:47,480
Mm-hm.
186
00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:51,360
And a coffee morning for the wee
boys and girls in the Yemen.
187
00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,920
I bought two Empire biscuits.
188
00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:56,920
What about your reception, Michael?
189
00:07:56,920 --> 00:07:59,480
Oh. The Caledonian Hotel
up East Kilbride.
190
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,720
No, I don't know that one.
191
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:03,440
Mind the one that was in the news
192
00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:06,400
for the refugees working in
the kitchen without their papers?
193
00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:08,040
Oh, aye!
194
00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:10,080
Oh, that one? Oh, that looked nice.
195
00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:12,840
Sorry. Michael, see those favours?
196
00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:14,400
See instead of bothering Carol Ann,
197
00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:16,240
should I just speak to Claire
about them?
198
00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:18,680
Eh, up to you.
199
00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:21,320
Well, can I get her number?
200
00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:24,160
Er, aye. I'll text you it.
201
00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:27,760
St Luke's is a beautiful church.
202
00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:29,880
Is it still Father McDonagh
that's there?
203
00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:31,280
Aye, it's him that's doing it.
204
00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:34,440
Oh, you'll be in good hands
with him, Michael.
205
00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:37,920
Oh, yes. He's the old school.
206
00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:40,520
Always stands at the back,
you know,
207
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,200
giving wee blessings
on the way oot, and...
208
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:46,240
Oh, he's a regular at the hospital
as well.
209
00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:50,640
Oh, yes, he is a proper man of God.
210
00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:53,840
How much is he charging you,
Michael?
211
00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:54,960
800.
212
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:57,920
Greedy bastard.
213
00:08:57,920 --> 00:08:59,800
KETTLE BOILS
214
00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:03,600
Can I give you a hand with anything?
215
00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:05,120
No, no, you're fine.
216
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:06,320
Oh, actually,
217
00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:08,400
give me the milk out of the fridge
there, would you?
218
00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:13,880
Looking forward to the weekend?
219
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:16,040
Yeah. It'll be lovely.
220
00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:18,480
What are you wearing?
You wearing a hat?
221
00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:20,200
A fascinator.
222
00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:24,280
Ooh! Although Alan says it looks
like I've left a comb in my hair.
223
00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:27,280
Erm...he seems very relaxed
about it all.
224
00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:28,320
Relaxed?
225
00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:30,840
He's sleepwalking his way through
the whole bloody thing.
226
00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:32,600
Oh, dear.
227
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:34,280
Is he not very organised?
228
00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:36,840
The only thing he's organised
is getting two puddings at the meal.
229
00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:54,920
Thanks, my honey.
Thank you very much, Michelle.
230
00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:57,680
Thanks, Beth.
There's a wee milk.
231
00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,520
Ah. Thank you very much.
232
00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:00,720
Take two, Michael,
233
00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:03,880
seeing as this is the best
she can come up with.
234
00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:05,640
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
235
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:09,680
Oh! Hi, Alan. Hi, Michelle.
236
00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,040
Oh, hi, Eric.
237
00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:12,440
All right, Eric? How you doing?
238
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:15,440
Oh, no bad. Eric, this is
Alan's brother, Michael.
239
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:16,840
How you doing?
Pleased to meet you.
240
00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:18,360
I'm fine. Pleased to meet you.
241
00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:20,800
He's getting married
on Saturday, Eric.
242
00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:24,040
Is that right, aye?
Aye. I finally said yes.
243
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,760
ALL CHUCKLE
244
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,960
He's a joker, this one, Eric.
245
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:31,280
He made a very funny one earlier
246
00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:34,160
about the fact that Alan's got
a small penis.
247
00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:37,760
Aye... Well, eh,
congratulations, son.
248
00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:40,160
Only a few days left
as a free man, eh?
249
00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:42,960
Eh? Oh.
Aye. The fun stops here, eh?
250
00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:44,840
No. I'm only kidding.
251
00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:46,880
Getting married was the best thing
I ever did.
252
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:50,560
Aww, Eric, that's so sweet.
253
00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:52,280
Getting that combi boiler
254
00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:54,480
must have come a close second,
though, Eric, eh?
255
00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:56,680
Eh... Eric, you didn't happen
256
00:10:56,680 --> 00:10:58,640
to pick up a cake or anything,
did you?
257
00:10:58,640 --> 00:10:59,680
No.
258
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:02,680
Sorry about this, Michael.
259
00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:05,120
Why? Well, it's just that
I didn't have anything
260
00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:07,840
to give Michael and Alan
with their cup of tea.
261
00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:09,600
Honestly, Beth, don't worry
about it.
262
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:11,240
I've got a packet of oatcakes?
263
00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:12,840
No, Eric. It's fine.
264
00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:14,160
I've got some Dairylea.
265
00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:16,600
I'd take a couple of Dairylea
on their own. Alan...
266
00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:18,600
She could have texted him,
Michael.
267
00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:20,440
No, it was a cake or something.
268
00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:22,600
Sponge, Eric.
269
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:25,040
We're getting ready
for a wedding here.
270
00:11:25,040 --> 00:11:26,600
Ah, well, I can go back out?
271
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:28,920
No, Eric. Absolutely no need.
272
00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:30,720
Right.
273
00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:35,000
So, eh, what's on the menu
for your reception, then, Michael?
274
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:36,800
What, like the meal? Yeah.
275
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:38,200
Well, there's a prawn cocktail
starter.
276
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:41,440
Oh.
Prawn cocktail. That's nice.
277
00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:43,960
It's nice with the paprika
on the top.
278
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:45,960
Beth... Beth... Paprika.
279
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:48,240
Yes.
And then it's roast beef.
280
00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:50,600
Ooh.
Ooh, good thick slices.
281
00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:53,760
Make sure they've got gravy,
Michael.
282
00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:57,240
Keeps it moist for when
it's sitting under lamps. Oh, right.
283
00:11:57,240 --> 00:12:00,640
And then it's sticky toffee pudding
or a Scottish cheese selection.
284
00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:03,920
Ooh. Oh, lovely.
Beautiful choices.
285
00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:05,480
I'm getting both.
286
00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:08,960
So it's this weekend, is it?
287
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:12,080
Aye, that's right.
Ah. Are you the best man, Alan?
288
00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:16,280
I am, aye.
Oh-ho. Is it suits or kilts? Kilts.
289
00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:17,760
Oh, I love a man in a kilt.
290
00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:19,480
Oh, so do I, Beth!
291
00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:22,120
You'd better make sure
he's got pants on, Michelle.
292
00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:25,600
On second thoughts,
you'll mibbe no' have tae bother.
293
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,720
So, what tartan are you going for?
294
00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:30,280
Clan Moss Bros, Eric.
295
00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:32,440
LAUGHING: Clan Moss Bros!
296
00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:32,440
CHRISTINE LAUGHS
297
00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:33,960
See?
298
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:36,840
He's got a better personality
than Alan, doesn't he, Eric?
299
00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:40,440
That's a point. When are you
picking them up, by the way?
300
00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:43,360
Eh? The kilts.
You've to collect them.
301
00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:46,840
Have I? Aye.
That's the best man's job.
302
00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:49,000
We'll get them tomorrow, Michael.
303
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:51,120
Alan, that was one of
the things on the list
304
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:52,920
that I wrote out for you. Right.
305
00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:54,600
Where did you put that?
306
00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:59,040
MICHAEL SIGHS
307
00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:59,040
Michael, does it have to be him?
308
00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:02,360
Michelle, make sure you get all
the things that go with them,
309
00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:04,600
you know, the socks and the sporran.
310
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,840
Aye, you'll need your sporran
for your hip flask.
311
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:09,800
Have you got a hip flask? Naw.
312
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:11,440
Oh, you've got to get one of them.
313
00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:14,280
The best man always carries
a hip flask so he can give
314
00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:16,120
the groom a wee nip,
steady his nerves.
315
00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:18,280
Mmm.
Where will I get one of those?
316
00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:23,680
Well, I've got an actual flask,
Alan. But I don't think it'll fit.
317
00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:27,400
It takes two full tins o' soup,
Michael.
318
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:29,080
Can we not take a quarter-bottle?
319
00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:31,440
Is vodka all right, Eric? Uh...
320
00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:33,040
Alan, you're not going
to your brother's wedding
321
00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:35,000
with a quarter-bottle of vodka
in your sporran.
322
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:37,520
Eric, do you not have
a hip flask you can give them?
323
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:39,840
Honestly, Beth, it's fine.
We'll get up early tomorrow
324
00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:42,600
and we'll go into town
and have a wee look for one.
325
00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:44,920
Oh, this is it, eh?
326
00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:47,280
All the running about now.
327
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:48,480
Hold on to your hats.
328
00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:51,120
This is it starting to unravel.
329
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:54,120
No, it'll be OK.
Look, I'm off tomorrow, Michael,
330
00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:56,440
so I'll make sure
that it's all sorted.
331
00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:59,920
I think I have one somewhere.
Where would I have put it?
332
00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:02,600
Well, if it's anywhere,
it'll be in that unit there.
333
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:05,400
Honestly, Eric, don't go
to any bother.
334
00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:10,160
See if there's a fucking sponge
in there while you're at it, Eric.
335
00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:12,960
Right, can I get anyone
anything else?
336
00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:15,120
No, we're fine, thanks, Beth.
337
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:19,320
I was sure I had one somewhere.
No, nothing there.
338
00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:22,080
If it was gonna be anywhere,
it would have been in there.
339
00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:24,200
I'll tell you
who will have one, though.
340
00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:28,200
Ah, you all right, Eric?
How're you doing?
341
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:29,680
Ah, no' bad. Listen,
342
00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:31,880
you don't happen to have
a hip flask, do you?
343
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:33,560
A hip flask? Er...
344
00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:36,080
Alan's brother's getting married
and he's the best man.
345
00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:38,120
What, Alan is? Aye.
346
00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:39,840
Did somebody drop oot? Eh?
347
00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:41,600
No, no. But it's the kilt
they're wearing
348
00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:44,840
and he's no' got a hip flask.
Aye, no bother, I've got one.
349
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:46,800
I'll dig it oot, he can get it
off me later.
350
00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:48,400
Great. I'll say to Michelle,
let her know.
351
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:49,560
What, Michelle?
352
00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:51,920
Aye, she's in just now with Alan
and his brother.
353
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:54,320
Right, two ticks. I'll get it.
I'll bring it in now.
354
00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:56,080
HE SIGHS
355
00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:59,400
120 at the reception?
Well, that's a lot.
356
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:02,440
Aye, Carol Ann's got family
coming across fae Ireland.
357
00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:03,640
North or south?
358
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:05,400
North. Christ.
359
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:07,320
Guaranteed trouble.
360
00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:08,840
Hey!
361
00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:11,960
Where is he? Where is he?
Let's get a look at him.
362
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:14,520
Oh, yeah, not bad.
363
00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:18,320
HUSHED: He's nicer looking.
Not as heavy.
364
00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:19,920
CHRISTINE: Yes, isn't he, Cath?
365
00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:22,800
No' so much of the big ham face
going on.
366
00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:27,360
He's funny as well.
Say something funny, Michael.
367
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,520
Aboot what? I don't know.
368
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:31,520
Say something about his willy again.
369
00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:34,080
Michael, this is Colin and Cathy.
370
00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:37,320
How yous doing? Very good, squire,
and it's nice to meet you.
371
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:39,120
We stay a couple of doors along.
372
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:41,480
But we're only here an average
of 44 weeks a year
373
00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:43,760
due to...holiday commitments.
374
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,200
Well, it's 43 this year, Cath.
375
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:49,960
What? Well, remember,
we've got Madeira as well.
376
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:52,120
We're going to Madeira, Michael.
377
00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:55,640
Oh, here, that's a point. Where
are you off to on your honeymoon?
378
00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:57,840
Dominican Republic.
ALL: Oh!
379
00:15:57,840 --> 00:16:00,160
Oh, we've been there. Have we?
380
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,680
Aye, remember, we saw the monkey
eating the KFC?
381
00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:05,400
Oh, yeah.
Oh, you'll love it, Michael.
382
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:07,360
Are you going straight
from the reception, are you?
383
00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:09,480
No, we're staying overnight
in the hotel.
384
00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:13,280
Have they got a bridal suite
in the Caledonian Hotel?
385
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:16,320
No, but we're getting a disabled
room with a basket of fruit in it.
386
00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:17,480
Oh, lovely.
387
00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:19,960
It used to be the best man
that arranged the honeymoon.
388
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:21,960
Oh, thank Christ it's no',
389
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:24,080
or you wouldnae be going
fucking anywhere.
390
00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:26,680
Oh, leave him alone.
He's doing a grand job.
391
00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:27,880
Aye, good on you, Alan.
392
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:29,760
I hear you're short of one of these.
393
00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:32,120
Oh, thanks very much for that,
Colin.
394
00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:34,280
That's really good of you.
Aye, no bother.
395
00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:36,000
And what...what about you, Michelle?
396
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:38,560
You got your wee lacy garter
looked out?
397
00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:40,200
That's the bride, Colin.
398
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,280
Oh, aye, so...so it is.
399
00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:45,400
Best man, eh, Alan? Huh?
400
00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:47,080
First time you've been called that,
eh?
401
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:49,640
Have you ever done
a big speech before?
402
00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:52,840
No, not really. Eh, aye, you have.
403
00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:54,880
When? Every time you go
into McDonald's,
404
00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:56,480
you do ten minutes without a breath.
405
00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:58,800
LAUGHTER
406
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:00,600
See what I mean, Cath?
407
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:02,560
More personality.
408
00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:05,560
Och, don't you listen to them, Alan.
By the time you do the speech,
409
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:07,880
most folk'll be pissed,
they'll no' be listening!
410
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:09,800
CHUCKLING
411
00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:12,600
Yes, they will.
Don't bother about him.
412
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:15,440
Aye, your big job's really
the rings, anyway.
413
00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:19,160
What did you go for, Michael?
Something sparkly, bit of bling?
414
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:21,560
Just plain. Plain gold bands.
415
00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:23,440
Oh. They're the best.
416
00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:27,680
Easier for you to get opened out
if you balloon in later years.
417
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:29,960
You know, you can do some
really nice things with them.
418
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:31,320
My friend got married recently
419
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:34,200
and she got hers engraved inside
with a wee message to each other.
420
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:35,480
They even got the date put...
421
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:37,200
Who cares, Michelle?
422
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:40,200
Look at mine, Michael. Huh?
423
00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:42,680
Oh, aye, that's a belter.
424
00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:44,480
It's a beautiful piece, isn't it?
425
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:47,240
She's never had that off since
the day it went on, have you?
426
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:51,600
Ah, well, obviously it comes off
if you're doing that.
427
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:56,080
Plain bands are very nice,
very traditional.
428
00:17:56,080 --> 00:17:57,640
That's what Eric and I have got.
429
00:17:57,640 --> 00:18:01,600
Mmm. Have you had yours
opened out, then, Eric?
430
00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:03,640
You know, they're actually
quite like yours, Beth.
431
00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:05,400
You know, classic sort of thing.
432
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:06,880
Oh, aww.
433
00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:09,800
Show Beth the rings.
You don't mind, Michael, do you?
434
00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:11,240
No, fire in.
435
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:17,040
Did you definitely give me them?
436
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:18,720
Aye, I gave you them.
437
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:23,840
Hold on. Remember he gave you them
in the house, Alan?
438
00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:25,160
That's why I came over?
439
00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:28,520
SHE CLEARS THROAT
440
00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:30,640
WHISPERS: Does it have to be him,
Michael?
441
00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:32,800
Is there no' even a cousin?
442
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:36,800
I can't find them.
Oh, Jesus Christ, Alan!
443
00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:39,720
You put them in your pocket.
I watched you do it.
444
00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:41,800
Did you maybe change your trousers?
445
00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:45,560
He hasnae had they joggers off
for weeks, Beth.
446
00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:47,040
Is there a hole in your pocket,
maybe?
447
00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:49,040
No, no. I've no' got them.
448
00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:50,520
MICHAEL SIGHS
449
00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:50,520
I knew this would happen.
450
00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:52,560
What did I say to you?
What did I say?
451
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:54,120
They'll be here somewhere, Michael.
452
00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:56,480
They maybe fell out of
your pocket when you sat down.
453
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:57,600
Lift the cushions.
454
00:18:58,600 --> 00:18:59,960
Aye. Och.
455
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,280
Oh, wait a minute, he was
sat here as well, Michael.
456
00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:06,800
Let's get these cushions up.
457
00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:09,200
Lift these up, Michael.
458
00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:11,960
Ugh, this is still warm
from his arse.
459
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:14,840
Take that, Michelle.
It's got Alan's bum heat on it.
460
00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:21,840
Oh... See if you've lost them,
I swear to God, man...
461
00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:25,920
That's them! That's them there.
462
00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:27,640
Ah! Look.
463
00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:30,720
He's got them, he's got them.
Shut up, Michelle.
464
00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:32,840
Right, let's get a look at them.
465
00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:35,760
COLIN: Oh, they are like yours
right enough, Beth.
466
00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:37,280
Nothing to them.
467
00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:39,480
I was shitting myself in case
I'd lost them.
468
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:42,360
I knew they'd be here
somewhere. Not to worry.
469
00:19:42,360 --> 00:19:44,480
Panic over. Well done, Alan.
470
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:47,360
Whit? How long did it take you
to lose them there?
471
00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:49,360
I know. Sorry. Swear to God,
472
00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:51,880
you'd better get your act together.
It'll be fine.
473
00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:52,920
Better be.
474
00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:59,200
Look, nothing's worth falling out
about, is it?
475
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:02,520
Aye, it'll all work out.
You'll have a brilliant day.
476
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:04,080
Yeah.
477
00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:06,720
So, what's the forecast
for Saturday anyway?
478
00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:08,640
One big fuck-off barney
479
00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:11,480
when that crowd fae Larne
get a drink into them!
480
00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:15,080
It'll be lovely. There's plenty of
time to sort it all,
481
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:18,120
and I am sure you'll be
completely organised by the weekend.
482
00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:19,960
Won't you, Alan?
Aye, I will.
483
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:24,440
Right. Let's get these
cushions back, then, yeah?
484
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:26,720
Come on! Chop chop, Michelle!
485
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:29,200
Get your wee Dustbuster
in there later, Beth,
486
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:31,080
cos there's a fair bit of build-up.
487
00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:34,840
Here, Beth, did I tell you
what I found
488
00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:37,040
down the side of my big recliner?
489
00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:40,640
Yes.
3D specs, Michael.
490
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:42,040
Oh, right.
491
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:44,400
I tried them on,
but they didnae work.
492
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:47,400
So, who's the lucky lady, then?
What's her name?
493
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:48,720
Carol Ann.
494
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:50,760
And are you the bridesmaid,
are you, Michelle?
495
00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:53,680
Oh, no, that's Carol Ann's
best friend, Claire.
496
00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:55,160
They're actually really close.
497
00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:57,120
They're more like sisters,
aren't they, Michael?
498
00:20:57,120 --> 00:20:59,240
Oh, aye, aye.
499
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:01,040
Did you go to the hen night,
Michelle?
500
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:03,200
I did, yeah. Whoa!
501
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:05,600
Where did you go, Michelle?
Newcastle.
502
00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:10,480
Oh! Fucking all bets off there!
503
00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:10,480
LAUGHTER
504
00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:14,560
Oh, Newcastle's a very popular
destination for hen weekends.
505
00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:17,440
Aye, that Quayside is like
Sodom and Gomorrah.
506
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:20,520
Oof! Here, Beth, do you remember
Jimmy Nail?
507
00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:23,840
Was it mental, Michelle?
508
00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:25,680
Oh, no, it wasn't that bad.
509
00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:28,360
# Crocodile shoes
510
00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:31,280
# Crocodile shoo-di-dooes... #
511
00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:33,080
Shh.
512
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:35,200
ALAN: She took the Monday off,
sat in her pyjamas
513
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:38,120
the whole day, then phoned for a
Chinese at four in the afternoon.
514
00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:40,320
ALL CHUCKLE
515
00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:40,320
MICHELLE: OK.
516
00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:43,880
Oh! Look, I may have been a bit
tired, but it wasn't that crazy.
517
00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:46,960
Carol Ann said yous started drinking
the minute you got on the train.
518
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:49,840
Oh, I love drinking on trains.
519
00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:52,080
Well, I might have had
a couple on the way down.
520
00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:53,720
And planes. And taxis.
521
00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:55,720
And what did you get up to
when you were there?
522
00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:58,520
Was there a bit of adult
entertainment, was there, Michelle?
523
00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:01,840
Well, eh...Claire might have
booked some strippers.
524
00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:05,120
Oh. Ooh. Oh!
525
00:22:05,120 --> 00:22:06,720
Was it the Chippendales, Michelle?
526
00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:08,720
No, it was nothing like that.
527
00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:10,560
They weren't even that great,
to be honest.
528
00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:11,760
Aww, really, Michelle?
529
00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:13,840
Their dicks not big enough
for you, no?
530
00:22:15,040 --> 00:22:18,000
No, they were rubbish. I mean,
they literally just came in,
531
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:20,880
did a bit of a dance, took a selfie
with Carol Ann,
532
00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:23,880
and then they were offskis,
away on to the next one.
533
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:26,520
Och, you're joking? I know.
534
00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:29,320
You know, I have been to see
The Full Monty, though,
535
00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:31,000
and that was brilliant.
536
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:33,280
I mean, that was done very well.
537
00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:34,960
I loved that.
538
00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:38,160
But these guys, they weren't
that great, to be honest.
539
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:40,000
Och, that's a shame, so it is.
540
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:41,960
Did they do the windmill, Michelle?
541
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:45,920
Cathy's been to see the Dreamboys
live. Haven't you, Cath?
542
00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:48,640
Oh, you'd love them, Michelle.
543
00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:50,320
They don't let you touch, though.
544
00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:52,640
I got her the DVD
for her birthday. Didn't I?
545
00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:55,360
You did. I made him learn
one of the dances from it.
546
00:22:55,360 --> 00:22:57,840
Aye, just a bit of fun, you know?
547
00:22:57,840 --> 00:22:59,520
You do a bit of it. Aww...
548
00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:01,400
Er, look, I don't...
549
00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:03,240
He's not gonna do all of it.
550
00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:06,920
Come on. Show Michelle
how it's supposed to be done.
551
00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:08,040
Oh, no.
552
00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:12,440
For Michelle? Er, OK. Just a...
Just a quick blast.
553
00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:15,280
No, Colin, I really don't think
now is the moment...
554
00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:16,920
Yeah, go on, Col!
555
00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:18,200
MUSIC: Horny '98
by Mousse T
556
00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:20,840
Here we go! Whoo!
557
00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:23,320
Go on, Colin. Whoo!
558
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:26,320
Beth, Beth, he's about to get
down and dirty.
559
00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:29,040
Here, the only thing dirty
about her is her couch!
560
00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:30,280
CATHY GUFFAWS
561
00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:33,720
# Dirty, dirty, dirty couch
562
00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:34,920
# Oh, dirty
563
00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:36,960
# Dirty, dirty couch! #
564
00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:42,880
Right, Colin, that'll do us.
565
00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:44,280
Come on, guys, help me out here.
566
00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:46,800
There's too many of them
for me to handle on my own.
567
00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:49,000
Come on, guys. Up you get,
up you get!
568
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:50,240
Come on. It's dead easy.
569
00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:52,040
It's just this, this,
570
00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:54,000
then pump, pump, pump!
571
00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:56,760
Eric, come on!
572
00:23:56,760 --> 00:23:58,640
Get your cock out. Oh, for...
573
00:23:58,640 --> 00:23:59,760
Come on. Whoo.
574
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:02,200
Come on!
Michael, Alan, get up.
575
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:04,200
Let's see who's bigger!
576
00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:06,040
It'll be him.
577
00:24:06,040 --> 00:24:08,400
Oh, go, go, go! Whoo!
578
00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:11,440
No! No' with my good pellets.
579
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:13,640
THEY LAUGH
580
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:13,640
Right, Colin, that is enough.
581
00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:15,480
Cathy, get that music off.
582
00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:17,160
Off!
583
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:19,160
Off. Give it...
584
00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:23,280
MUSIC OFF
585
00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:23,280
Boo.
586
00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:25,760
Oh, she's boring,
587
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:28,240
she's so boring, Michael.
588
00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:30,360
I bet you're glad you're not
marrying her.
589
00:24:30,360 --> 00:24:34,360
# So boring
Boring, boring, boring! #
590
00:24:34,360 --> 00:24:36,840
Sorry about this, Michael.
No, it's cool.
591
00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:38,440
Just a bit of fun. You know?
592
00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:42,880
Can I offer you another coffee
at all?
593
00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:45,800
No, no, I'm all right.
I need to get going anyway.
594
00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:47,800
I said to Carol Ann I'd go
and pick her up.
595
00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:50,040
Aww. Oh, don't go, Michael.
596
00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:52,080
I think we should be making a move
as well.
597
00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:55,240
Thanks very much
for having us round, Beth.
598
00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:57,320
No problem, Michael.
Thanks so much.
599
00:24:57,320 --> 00:24:59,000
It was really nice
to see you, Christine.
600
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:01,200
Aww, bless you, Michelle.
601
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:05,160
And Michael, all the very best
for your big day on Saturday.
602
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:08,480
Here, and give Father McDonagh
my regards.
603
00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:10,480
Aye, no bother, I will, aye.
604
00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:11,840
Here, Michael.
605
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:13,640
Mention my name
606
00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:16,320
and see if you can knock him down
a bit.
607
00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:18,200
£800?!
608
00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:21,320
You could get a fucking cathedral
for that.
609
00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:24,280
Now, have you got everything?
You got your hip flask?
610
00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:25,960
Alan, you got the hip flask?
611
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:27,240
What hip flask?
612
00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:30,320
I've got it here. I'm joking!
613
00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:32,800
ALL EXCLAIM
614
00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:34,600
Have you filled it for them?
615
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:36,800
No. Well, I've not had much of
a chance.
616
00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:38,040
For God's sake, Eric!
617
00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:40,080
You can't let them go away
with an empty hip flask.
618
00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:41,520
That is bad luck.
619
00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:42,760
Oh.
620
00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:44,760
I'll tell you what is bad luck.
621
00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:47,160
Diarrhoea on your big day.
622
00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:49,080
Can you imagine, Beth?
623
00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:51,280
Diarrhoea in a kilt?
624
00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:54,640
Put something in it
for them, Eric,
625
00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:55,760
for them to take away. Sure.
626
00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:59,000
Make sure it's the good stuff in it,
Eric. None of your Aldi shite.
627
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:01,680
Well, Michael, I hope it all
goes well.
628
00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:03,000
All the best.
629
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:05,000
Hope Carol Ann enjoys her day.
630
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:06,520
And, eh...
631
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:08,000
..and her night.
632
00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:11,440
Have a lovely day, Michael.
633
00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:14,480
And, you know, just try
and relax and enjoy it.
634
00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:16,640
I will. Thank you very much.
I appreciate that.
635
00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:20,000
You too, Alan. I am sure
you'll do a grand job.
636
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:22,800
Thank you, Beth.
There you go, son. Ah.
637
00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:25,200
Here, have you got
your speech sorted, Alan?
638
00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:27,000
More or less. I just need
to practise it more
639
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:30,720
so that I know it off by heart. Oh,
let us hear a wee bit of it. Yeah!
640
00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:34,600
Naw. Ah, come on, just a bit.
641
00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:35,720
Come on, Alan.
642
00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:40,800
All right.
643
00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:41,960
Shhh. Shh.
644
00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:46,400
Well, I'd like to thank you all
for coming.
645
00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:50,320
Thanks to the kitchen
for that beautiful food.
646
00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:53,840
That beef was out of this world.
647
00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:57,080
On a similar note,
648
00:26:57,080 --> 00:26:58,480
I'm sure you all agree
649
00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:01,800
that Carol Ann looks
absolutely beautiful.
650
00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:04,840
So does her chief bridesmaid,
Claire.
651
00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:08,400
Two absolute smashers, so they are.
652
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:11,240
Aww. ERIC: Very nice, yeah.
653
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:11,240
WEAK APPLAUSE
654
00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:12,480
Lovely, yeah.
655
00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:16,040
Right, listen, we need to get
going. We need to go, so...
656
00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:19,800
Hey, hang about. Oh, give us
one of the wee stories.
657
00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:21,720
The whit?
One of the stories about him.
658
00:27:21,720 --> 00:27:24,400
I mean, you must have dug up
some stuff about the groom.
659
00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:26,520
Uh-huh.
I mean, forget everything else.
660
00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:29,120
That is the best man's
number-one job.
661
00:27:29,120 --> 00:27:30,280
Aye.
662
00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:31,720
I've got a couple. But...
663
00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:34,520
Oh, listen, you should save it
for Saturday, should you not?
664
00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:36,400
Yeah, you'll spoil the surprise.
665
00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:37,960
Michael's no' meant to hear
the speech
666
00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:40,400
until you do it at the reception.
Exactly.
667
00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:42,440
Aye, but what about the stuff
you couldnae use, though?
668
00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:45,320
You could tell us that. Colin...
669
00:27:45,320 --> 00:27:46,960
Go on, Alan.
670
00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:48,720
Well, there was one thing
that Davey Hamilton told me,
671
00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:50,720
but there was no way
I was putting that in.
672
00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:52,200
Oh, was it Thailand?
673
00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:53,960
He's a dick if he's told you
about that.
674
00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:55,640
No, no, it's no' that.
675
00:27:57,040 --> 00:28:00,000
Was it the T In The Park one?
No, no.
676
00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:01,240
Wisnae T In The Park.
677
00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:04,640
Oh, well, it cannae be
that bad, then.
678
00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:05,880
Go on, tell us.
679
00:28:09,120 --> 00:28:10,240
Tell us!
680
00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:14,520
He says you've been shagging Claire
for the last three years
681
00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:16,040
and Carol Ann doesn't know
anything about it.
682
00:28:24,840 --> 00:28:28,000
Have you paid McDonagh
up front, Michael?
683
00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:29,760
MUSIC: Oh! Brother
by The Fall
684
00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:31,360
# Oh, little brother
685
00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:35,600
# We are in a mess
686
00:28:38,480 --> 00:28:41,760
# Don't look at me that way
687
00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:46,840
# And don't put me to the test
688
00:28:49,120 --> 00:28:53,160
# When I first... #
81767
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