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This programme contains
some strong language
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PHONE BEEPS
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Eric, that's your phone.
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Eric, phone!
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Oh.
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Who is it?
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It's Colin.
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Oh, right. And what's he saying?
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Him and Cath are ordering
a takeaway.
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Asking if we wanted anything.
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What are you saying?
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I'm just telling him
you're already making dinner.
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Ah, right.
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PHONE BEEPS
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You didn't tell him
what I was making, did you?
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Er... Eric.
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I might have.
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And what did he say?
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If you're doing a curry, they'll
no' bother phoning one. Oh!
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PHONE BEEPS
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What is it now?
22
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Oh...! Eric.
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Cathy says you've not to do
the rice in the microwave.
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Hi! Hi! Hi, boys.
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What's happened to you?
26
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I'm fine, I'm fine.
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It looks worse than is. Dear me!
28
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Oh, somebody's been getting
new cargo pants, I see. Eh?
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Er... Oh, aye.
30
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Aye. Come in, boys, come in.
31
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Hi, boys.
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Oh, my God! Oh, honestly, it's OK.
33
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What on earth happened?
34
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I just got into an argument.
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Who with? Look, it doesn't matter.
I'm completely fine.
36
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It's really not that serious.
Thanks for having us over.
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Aye, aye, no problem.
38
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I brought some supplies.
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Oh. You can't have a curry
without a bloody big beer,
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or a glass of lager, can you?
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It smells good, Mum.
Ah, well, I hope it's all right.
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I've never done
a veggie curry before.
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I'm sure it'll be lovely.
I'll stick these in the fridge.
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You boys want a beer? Aye, go on.
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Yes, please. But can I get
a non-alcoholic one, please?
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Oh, I...
I don't know if I've got...
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The blue ones in the bag
are my non-alcoholic ones. Oh.
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You're driving, are you?
I am, but I actually drink them
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most of the time now. I said to
Ian that he should switch to them,
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so he doesn't end up with
a big beer...belly.
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So, how are you? Er, I'm fine.
Have you seen a doctor about this?
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Yeah, yeah, it's fine.
Don't stress. It's nothing.
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DOORBELL RINGS
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Oh!
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That'll be Colin and Cathy.
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What?! Blame your dad!
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Are you solid? Pardon?
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Cos let me tell you, without
going into too much detail,
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it has been absolutely
shooting out of me.
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Oh, dear God!
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There you go. Cheers, boys.
Cheers. Cheers!
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Mm...
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Mm, that's lovely. Aye, they're
very popular, those, aren't they?
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Is that low alcohol, or no alcohol?
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No alcohol at all.
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Ah. Do you want to try it?
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No.
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And I've gone back and checked
everything I've eaten,
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and the one thing that
I keep coming back to
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00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:21,560
is that sandwich you made me
the other day.
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What?! The ham and the tiger loaf.
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Christine... What was
the date on that ham?
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The ham is fine.
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And your boards are clean?
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00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:33,120
Yes. Mm-hm. And your cloths
are being washed regularly?
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00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:35,200
Yes. And you're feeling all right?
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00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:36,720
Well, I was up until now.
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Well, that is a mystery.
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Because this is the
furthest I have been
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from my toilet pan in 48 hours.
Well, are you feeling all right?
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Do you want to come in?
Mm, I don't know.
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Is Eric in? Yes.
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00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:53,400
Oh, well, he'll want to know
all about this. Oh...
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Hello, Eric. Hi, Christine,
how are you? Oh, wait a minute.
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00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:05,440
I need to use your loo.
Are you all right?
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She's got a bit of an upset stomach.
Oh, I'm glad
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she's coming here to have it.
88
00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:13,880
Is it vomiting or diarrhoea,
Mrs Baird?
89
00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:15,880
The latter, I think, Gordon.
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00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:17,560
Oh...
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00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:22,840
False alarm, Beth. We're OK.
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00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:26,640
I did break wind in your hallway,
though. Apologies.
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00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:31,440
Oh, here. Here, what happened
to you? He was in a fight.
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00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:34,880
A fight?
You said it was an argument.
95
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It just got a little bit
out of hand. It was nothing.
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00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:41,320
Oh, that looks a bad one, Ian.
That might scar.
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Do you think? Mm.
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00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:46,960
It's a no-go with the customer
service roles for you, Ian.
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I don't want
a customer service role.
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00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:50,720
Unless it was Costa.
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You could do the machine wi'
your back turned, you know. Right.
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Here, I've got a scar
on my back, Gordon.
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You ever seen it? No.
Oh, wait till you see this.
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Look at that, eh?
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00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:06,800
That's from when I got hit by
that trolley in the car park
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at Morrisons. Do you remember
that, Beth? I do, Christine.
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00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:15,040
Do you see it, Gordon?
No. Oh, wait a minute...
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till I get these rolled down
a wee bit.
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There we are. It's quite a deep
pant I've on today, Gordon.
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Christ, the amount of times these
have been up and down today, Eric!
111
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Can you see it, Gordon?
Oh, yeah. Aye.
112
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Can you see it, Eric?
Er, I should go and check the curry.
113
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Oh, yous are having a curry,
are you? Yes.
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Oh. Where did you get it?
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Nowhere. I cooked it.
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YOU did?
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Yes. In THAT kitchen?
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00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:46,440
Yes. Ian and Gordon
are over for dinner.
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And what are they getting for their
pudding, two Imodium and a cork?!
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00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:53,760
Christine thinks it might be
something she ate in here
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00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:55,440
that's made her ill.
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ERIC: What's this?
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Christine thinks it might be the ham
sandwich I made her the other day
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that's upset her stomach.
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Well, I've been absolutely fine.
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Aye, but did you have the ham?
Yes. I saw him eating it
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00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:09,800
straight from the packet yesterday,
when I was here. Aye, you see,
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but he'll have built up a tolerance
to her germs, Gordon.
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Excuse me?!
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It's like dogs.
They can lick their own dirt,
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and then they're
neither up, nor down.
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They eat their own sick too.
Can you imagine that?
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Do you mind? We're just about
to have our dinner here!
134
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Now, can I make you
a drink, Christine?
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Oh, I don't know.
136
00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:33,680
Peppermint tea's very good for
an upset stomach.
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Aye, for giving you one.
Well, what about if I make you
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a normal tea, just a bit weak?
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Mm, aye... All right, all right.
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00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:45,760
Right. An ordinary tea,
wi' a wee dash of milk,
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and fresh water in the kettle
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and a mug straight fae
the dishwasher. OK.
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00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:56,600
Ah, fuck it. I'm going in.
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00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:03,960
Ah. Mm-hm. Now...
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Christine, what are you doing?!
146
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:08,960
Oh-ho, well!
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00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:12,080
Your sink hole wouldnae say no to
a bit of bleach.
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Oh, for goodness' sake!
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00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:15,320
Oh, for Christ's sake!
150
00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:18,560
When was the last time that saw
the inside of a washing machine, eh?
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Do you mind?! Oh.
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There it is.
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Here we go.
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The epicentre. Now...
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00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:32,200
Oh, wait a minute.
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What's in this dish here?
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It's the lasagne we had
the other night.
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That's going out.
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Christine! What else have we got?
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CHRISTINE SNIFFS
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Oh. What's the date on this?
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Ha! Whole baby beetroots?
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They'll have had babies
of their own by now.
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Right, this is ridiculous.
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There is nothing wrong with
my kitchen, or my fridge,
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or anything else.
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Now, do you want that cup of tea,
or not?
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Fair enough, Beth.
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I'll take a tea.
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Right.
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Christine, go and sit down.
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DOORBELL RINGS
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Eric, get that, would you?
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Hey! Here he is, the curry king.
Hi, Cath. Hi, Colin.
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Oh, I can smell it already, Col.
That's good, isn't it?
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Makes a change from the
sort of smell of washing
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that's normally here.
Oh, I hate that.
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It's even worse if she's got stuff
over the radiators. Aye,
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all her tights and stuff.
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Anyway, nice to see you, squire.
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Glad we could make it.
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Me too.
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00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:57,120
Hey, there's Ian and Gordon!
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Oh, hi, Gordon.
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00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:02,240
There's Christine. Mm-hm. Uh.
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00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:05,360
Here, what's happened to you?
Oh, nothing. You look like
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00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:06,720
you've been beaten up.
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00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:09,760
I've been through the wars
myself, Cath...
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00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:12,120
Was it a homophobic attack, Ian?
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00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:14,720
See, this is the trouble
wi' these tight jeans.
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00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:16,840
Were you trying to fire into
a straight guy?
192
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No, I was not!
193
00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:20,760
Hi, Cath. So, what happened, then?
194
00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:23,200
Oh, look, it was nothing.
195
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:26,840
Obviously, it wasn't nothing,
if you managed to get a black eye.
196
00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:29,400
Oh, geez oh. Right.
197
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:33,320
So, we'd been in town having dinner,
and we went along to the station
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00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:36,680
to get a cab home. There was these
three blokes in the queue, and
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00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:39,240
they were saying some stuff
to the girls in front of them.
200
00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:42,960
What were they saying? Just...stuff
that was a bit out of order.
201
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:46,800
Anyway, so the next thing,
I said to them to leave them alone,
202
00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:48,640
and then they sort of turned on me,
203
00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:51,040
and then it was pushing and shoving,
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00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:55,160
and then one of them
just...punched me. Oh, Ian!
205
00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:57,680
I know. Did you hit him back?
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00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,600
Well, yeah.
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00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:02,880
He was quite violent
as a child, Colin.
208
00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:05,800
So, what happened then?
Then it just got out of hand.
209
00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:09,160
His mates all piled in, and then
we all ended up on the ground
210
00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:12,520
but, thankfully, two guys came out
of the chip shop and broke it up.
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00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:15,920
Oh, that was good of them.
They probably lost their place
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00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:18,960
in the queue. Oh, you poor thing!
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00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:20,400
Come here.
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00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:23,520
Well, at least it got stopped
when it did. It could have been
215
00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:26,120
a hell of a lot worse.
And what exactly were they saying
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00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:29,320
to the lassies?
Let's not get into all that.
217
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:32,120
"Show us your tits." Oh.
218
00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:34,280
Was it, "Show ME your tits"?
219
00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:38,400
Does it matter?! No, I think it was
"us". "Show US your tits."
220
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:40,120
He definitely wanted to see them.
221
00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:44,160
They were arseholes,
let's just leave it there.
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00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:46,680
And how did the girls react?
Well, they were just
223
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:50,160
ignoring them, really. Right.
Until one of the other guys
224
00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:51,560
started saying other stuff.
225
00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:54,440
What other stuff? Gordon.
226
00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:56,400
"Suck my cock..." Right.
227
00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:58,600
..and, "Sit on my face."
228
00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:03,240
Erm... "Shows us your tits. Suck
my cock," and, "Sit on my face."
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00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:05,240
I think we get the picture, Gordon.
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00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:07,080
And someone screamed,
"Whore master!"
231
00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:10,360
But it was really difficult at that
point to tell who that was aimed at.
232
00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:11,960
I mean, there was a lot going on.
233
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,720
And did you get hit as well?
234
00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:16,480
Well, no, not really.
235
00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:19,320
It was all over quite quickly,
to be honest with you.
236
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:21,520
Yeah, it happened so fast,
I wasn't sure what to do.
237
00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:23,720
Never been in a fight before.
238
00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:25,080
Have you not?
239
00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:27,200
COLIN SNORTS
240
00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:27,200
No.
241
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:31,120
Has nobody ever just...punched you?
242
00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:34,560
No. And I've never hit anyone.
243
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:36,720
What, never?!
244
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:39,520
Nope. Never in my whole life.
245
00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:42,120
Well, the main thing is,
you're all right.
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00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:43,480
Mm. I'm fine.
247
00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:46,320
The thing that pissed me off
the most was that it spoiled
248
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:48,240
our night out.
Oh, it's such a shame.
249
00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:51,000
We'd just been out for a meal
for our anniversary.
250
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:52,960
Oh, had yous?
251
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:55,640
Yeah, we've been together
for two years now. Aw! Aw!
252
00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:57,400
Does it seems longer, Ian?
253
00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:59,360
Congratulations, boys.
254
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:01,080
That is a real achievement.
255
00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:03,680
Especially with the amount of
casual sex that's available
256
00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:06,560
within the gay community. Aye.
257
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:10,280
Remember, folk used to meet up
in the park at night, Beth, eh?
258
00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:14,360
Do they still do that?
No, it's all online now, Christine.
259
00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:15,960
Oh, really?
260
00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:20,440
Well, maybe they'll cut back those
big rhododendrons now, Beth.
261
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,800
So, is this what this curry's
in aid of, then, is it?
262
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:25,240
Is it a wee anniversary celebration?
263
00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:28,040
It is, Colin, yes.
Aye, that's brilliant.
264
00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:30,640
What are you doing for them?
Is it chicken, or lamb, or...?
265
00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:32,440
Cauliflower and chickpea.
266
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:35,200
Say again, Beth?
267
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:36,960
Cauliflower and chickpea.
268
00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:39,840
No meat?
269
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:42,000
No. It's a vegetable curry.
270
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:45,040
Why? Because Gordon's a vegetarian.
271
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:48,280
But Colin likes lamb.
272
00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:50,880
Lamb curry, do you not fancy that?
273
00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:52,600
He doesn't eat lamb.
274
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:54,720
Has he ever tried it?
275
00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:57,640
Well, no, he's a vegetarian.
Can you no' make him his
276
00:12:57,640 --> 00:12:59,880
in a separate thing
and do us a proper one?
277
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:01,480
They were invited.
278
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:03,320
Beth cooked it especially for them.
279
00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:04,840
MOCKING: Oh, woohoo!
280
00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:07,280
We've managed two years
without bumming anyone else.
281
00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:10,640
Let's celebrate with
a vegetarian curry!
282
00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:13,800
Nobody ain't doing nothing with
their bums if they eat anything
283
00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:16,520
that she's made.
Thank you, Christine.
284
00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:18,240
How come you're on the beers?
285
00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:20,680
No' got a bottle of bubbly
or something to open, Eric?
286
00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:23,080
Er, well, we've got a bit of wine
in the fridge.
287
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:25,400
It's fine, we're not bothered.
Colin, away and get
288
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:28,920
a bottle of champagne and bring it
through. Aye, all right.
289
00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:32,880
Oh, and get a couple of the chicken
breasts out of the freezer as well.
290
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:34,240
No!
291
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:40,120
TOILET FLUSHES
292
00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:51,920
Beth, where do you put your stuff
for the blue bin?
293
00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:53,240
DOOR OPENS
294
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:58,320
Only me.
295
00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:02,040
Hey! Yay! Woohoo! There he is!
296
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:04,280
Eric, Eric, go and get some glasses.
297
00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:07,480
Er, clean ones, Eric.
298
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:12,560
Listen, you didn't need to bother,
Col. It's very kind of you.
299
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:15,000
No, it's all right, Ian.
We got it as a present, anyway.
300
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:17,480
I've got a wee present
for you as well. Well,
301
00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:19,200
it's for Gordon, actually.
302
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:21,520
Oh, excited!
303
00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:24,240
What is it?
304
00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:27,000
It's one of Cathy's
personal safety alarms.
305
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,480
What?
306
00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:31,960
Well, it's just in case, you know,
something happens in the future.
307
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:34,600
Gordon's obviously no' much of
a fighter,
308
00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:37,680
but next time there's a bit of
bother, you've got this handy.
309
00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:40,440
Right. Well, thanks very much.
310
00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:44,600
A silly wee bleeper's no going
to do him much good, is it?
311
00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:47,800
Well, you know, actually,
it's quite a powerful wee thing.
312
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:49,200
Look.
PIERCING TONES WAIL
313
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:53,280
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, God!
314
00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:56,960
Oh! Oh, switch that off!
315
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:59,680
ALARM BLARES
316
00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:01,000
What's that noise?!
317
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:04,120
Colin, put it off! I'm trying!
318
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:05,800
Oh! Throw it out the window!
319
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:07,400
Oh, for God's sake! Colin!
320
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:09,040
Colin!
321
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:09,040
ALARM STOPS
322
00:15:09,040 --> 00:15:10,680
Oh...
323
00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:12,880
Geez oh!
324
00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:14,800
What on earth is that thing?!
325
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:17,040
It's Cathy's personal safety alarm.
326
00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:18,560
What a bloody racket!
327
00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:21,000
We're giving it to Gordon
because he's a wuss.
328
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:22,840
Hey! Here, Gordon,
329
00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:26,360
stick that on your key ring.
Are you sure you don't need it?
330
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,560
No, Gordon, honey. You take it.
331
00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:33,360
Honestly, men are more frightened
of me than I am of them.
332
00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:36,200
Watch that disnae go off
in your pocket, Gordon.
333
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:38,160
That'll blow your fucking nuts off.
334
00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:40,360
Well, thanks very much, erm...
335
00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:41,960
I'll just pop it there.
336
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:47,080
Right, who's for a glass of
champagne? Woohoo!
337
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,280
Come on, Colin! Get it open.
338
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:52,120
Nice glass of bubbly,
celebrate Beth's curry.
339
00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:54,040
It's their anniversary.
340
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:56,080
Celebrate their anniversary.
341
00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:58,440
Christine, you taking a glass?
342
00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:01,360
Oh, I don't know whether
I should risk it. No, no, Christine,
343
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:04,160
you stick to your tea.
Cups of tea, trips to the toilet.
344
00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:05,600
That's a good night for you.
345
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,320
CORK POPS
346
00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:09,880
Woohoo! Whoa!
347
00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:12,360
That is the kind of noise I like!
348
00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:15,080
Here, is that any use
to you, Christine?
349
00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:17,520
THEY ALL LAUGH
350
00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:19,800
Mum, come get a glass of champagne!
351
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:21,920
Eric, glass of bubbly, squire.
352
00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:26,080
Oh, why not? There you go.
353
00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:28,640
Right, Ian?
Thanks very much, Colin.
354
00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:31,080
Very kind of you.
355
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:35,360
Oh, here she is -
the queen of the curries.
356
00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:37,240
Glass of champagne, Your Highness?
357
00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:39,160
Oh, go on. Thank you, Colin.
358
00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:42,560
Right, and Gordon.
359
00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:44,120
I won't, actually. Thanks, Colin.
360
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:46,520
Eh? I'm not drinking.
361
00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:47,720
Well, what's that?
362
00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:49,440
It's non-alcoholic.
363
00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:50,760
What?
364
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:52,400
It's non-alcoholic beer.
365
00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:53,960
What is the fucking point in that?
366
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:57,160
Well, you can have a drink,
without getting drunk.
367
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:03,800
Look, if he doesn't want to drink,
he doesn't have to.
368
00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:05,600
OK, OK.
369
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:08,960
Right, well, cheers, folks.
370
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:11,120
Here's to...
371
00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:14,680
Ian and Gordon.
Ian and Gordon. Ian and Gordon.
372
00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:16,400
Ian and boring bastard.
373
00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:18,120
To us. To us.
374
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:21,320
So, two years, eh, boys? Eh?
375
00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:24,840
Yeah. It's just flown by, hasn't it?
Yeah, it has.
376
00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:26,520
Mm, has it really, Ian?
377
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:29,400
It's been lovely
getting to know you, son.
378
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:32,320
And what would you say
has been the highlight
379
00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:34,080
of your relationship so far?
380
00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:37,280
Oh, God. Er, let me think... Mm...
381
00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:39,800
There's been loads, hasn't there?
Yeah. Yeah, there has.
382
00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:42,920
Well, if you had to pick one,
I mean, what would it be?
383
00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:48,440
Er... Well, we've been for some
lovely walks, haven't we?
384
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:52,360
Yeah. Yeah, we have. You can't beat
a big woodland walk on a Sunday,
385
00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:54,960
then home for a bath
and a hot chocolate.
386
00:17:56,120 --> 00:17:58,360
That's... That's nice.
387
00:17:58,360 --> 00:17:59,760
Mm. Mm.
388
00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:01,840
Well, here's to you, boys.
389
00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:03,800
Cheers. Cheers.
390
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:14,640
Do these woodland walks take place
at night, by any chance, Gordon?
391
00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:36,640
These chip shops
are a hot spot for trouble.
392
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:39,960
Folk full of drink
and driven out of their minds
393
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:41,760
with the smell of the vinegar.
394
00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:45,200
I mean, fair play to you, Ian,
for taking on the three of them.
395
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:49,640
Aye, and people make the mistake of
thinking that the gays are soft,
396
00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:52,320
but they can be
vicious wee bastards.
397
00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:54,480
What were you doing, Gordon?
398
00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:57,400
Were you just standing there,
watching?
399
00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:59,280
Well, I didn't know what to do.
400
00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:01,160
Look, it all happened so quickly.
401
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:04,400
It was a blur, wasn't it?
It was, yeah. Aye, but when he was
402
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:07,880
on the ground and they were on him,
did you not think of stepping in?
403
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:10,160
Well...
404
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:14,640
..I've never been in that situation
before. Aye, but your instinct
405
00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:18,840
kicks in, surely?
I didn't know what to do.
406
00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:22,400
I was scared.
Too scared to defend your partner?
407
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:25,520
Well, if that had been Colin,
I would have jumped RIGHT in.
408
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:27,840
Aye, you say that now.
Yes, I would, Ian.
409
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:30,880
I would have taken my shoe off
and used the heel.
410
00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:34,520
Pulling hair's good, Cath. Oh, yeah.
But if they're wearing extensions,
411
00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:37,840
they just come away in your hands.
Ah. I don't think hair pulling
412
00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:40,600
would have done much with these
guys. Well, at least it'd have
413
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:43,520
been something, Ian. Aye, you could
have grabbed a clump of it,
414
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:45,560
and then dragged them to the ground.
415
00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:47,720
And started kicking them
in the balls.
416
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:50,040
Oh, kicking the balls -
that's good, Cath.
417
00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:52,800
Oh, that REALLY hurts them.
You know, sometimes, if he just
418
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:55,920
crosses his legs the wrong way,
he's in agony. Mm.
419
00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:59,560
Oh, stamping as well, Cath.
420
00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:01,280
Stamping on their hands.
421
00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:04,040
Stamping on their hands
with your heels on!
422
00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:07,400
No, remember,
you've taken them off, Cath.
423
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:08,800
Oh, yeah, so I have.
424
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:12,880
Or there's always the
good old Glasgow kiss.
425
00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:15,480
Yes. Oh, yes, indeed.
426
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:17,840
Just a simple headbutt.
427
00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:22,920
I mean, we are renowned the world
over for doing that to people.
428
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:27,280
And they are very effective.
429
00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:30,840
Just aim straight for
the bridge of the nose, and then
430
00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:33,840
you follow it up with
a good, swift punch in the kidneys.
431
00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:37,200
And then, when they hit the floor,
you spit in their face...
432
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:38,720
and finish them off!
433
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:43,160
CHRISTINE SPITS
434
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:43,160
Oh...
435
00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:44,960
God, Col...
436
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:47,800
I'm dying for a night out!
437
00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:50,400
Listen, it was a nightmare.
438
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,160
Anything could have happened.
439
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:56,240
At the end of the day, it was better
only one of us getting dragged in.
440
00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:59,040
Otherwise, it could have ended up
a whole lot worse.
441
00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:01,120
BETH: OK, that's us ready.
442
00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:03,840
Here we go. Curry time!
443
00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:07,000
Woohoo! Lucky I made a big pot.
444
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:08,640
Oh, I'm ready for this. Eh, Gordon?
445
00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:10,240
Oh, yes, smells delicious.
446
00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:13,040
Aw, thanks a lot for doing this,
Mum. Oh, it's no problem.
447
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:19,160
Right, who's having some?
Oh, yes, please.
448
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:20,520
Oh, I don't know.
449
00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:24,440
My stomach's saying yes,
but my arse is screaming no!
450
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:28,360
Er, well, just a wee bit?
451
00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:31,880
Oh, I'm not sure if
I should risk it. Is it spicy?
452
00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:34,560
No, it's quite mild. You're what?
453
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:37,360
It's quite mild, the curry.
You're joking?!
454
00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:39,560
It's got to have a bit
of a kick to it, Beth.
455
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:42,200
Curry is supposed to be spicy, Beth.
456
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:46,480
Gordon doesn't like anything
too hot. Is this because of you?
457
00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:50,960
Well... Yeah, sorry. I just
can't take anything too spicy.
458
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:56,640
Oh, for fu... So, we are having
a mild vegetable curry?
459
00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:58,280
Yes, Colin.
460
00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:00,680
It's like a korma.
Is that the one we get?
461
00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:02,560
No, no, we get rogan josh.
462
00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:06,640
Colin likes rogan josh, Eric.
463
00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:09,520
Excuse me, I'll just nip to
the toilet and wash my hands.
464
00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:11,400
I'd go upstairs, Gordon.
465
00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:14,280
That wee one in the hall
might still be in shock.
466
00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:20,360
Oh, napkins.
467
00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:26,600
I'm no' trying to be funny, Ian...
468
00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:28,920
but he must do your head in.
469
00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:33,360
What? He must, Ian. Come on.
I mean, he disnae drink,
470
00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:36,160
disnae eat meat,
doesn't like anything spicy.
471
00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:37,640
He's got absolutely no arse.
472
00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:39,200
Oh, Cathy, for God's sake!
473
00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:42,240
Yeah, all right, Eric.
Just cos yours is fucking huge!
474
00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:44,120
I never noticed that about Gordon.
475
00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:46,440
Is he quite flat at the back, Cath?
476
00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:49,960
There's absolutely no arse at all,
Christine. Just leave him alone.
477
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:52,040
He's my partner!
He might be your partner,
478
00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:54,880
but he was quite happy to stand back
and watch you taking a hiding
479
00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:57,640
in the middle of the street.
Oh, not this again!
480
00:22:57,640 --> 00:23:00,640
You know, that's where people
show their true colours.
481
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:04,440
You were getting physically
attacked, and he just stood back
482
00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:08,040
and watched.
Honestly, if I were you...
483
00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:09,280
I'd get shot of him.
484
00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:10,960
Pardon? I would.
485
00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:14,000
I mean, the highlight
of your relationship
486
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:15,640
has been going for walks.
487
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:17,400
CATH SCOFFS
488
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:17,400
Come on!
489
00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:19,720
No offence, Ian,
but take him to the woods
490
00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:22,680
and fucking leave him there.
I'm not listening to this.
491
00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:25,160
This is outrageous!
Er, that's enough, Cathy!
492
00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:28,440
ERIC: That IS enough! They're
here for a nice family dinner.
493
00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:32,000
Look, we'll just go. This...
No, no, no. You stay there.
494
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:34,000
Just drop it, right?
495
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:36,840
Ah, here he is.
496
00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:38,480
What were you talking about?
497
00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:41,840
Oh, nothing, really... Nothing,
just... Just the curry...
498
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:45,440
THEY ALL MUMBLE
499
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:45,440
Curry and... Aye, rice...
500
00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:49,680
OK, who's for rice?
Yes, please. Oh, yes.
501
00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:54,520
Ah...
502
00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:57,720
Thank you, Mum. Gordon?
503
00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:01,920
Oh, wow, look at that!
504
00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:04,000
Bloody love rice.
505
00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:08,600
Have you naan breads as well, Beth?
506
00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:11,240
Er, no, I'm afraid there's
no naan bread.
507
00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:12,960
You've what?!
508
00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:15,880
Oh...! Oh, Beth, Beth, Beth.
509
00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:19,960
Oh, you cannae have a curry
without naan breads. Exactly!
510
00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:24,160
Well, I am very sorry.
We DON'T have any naan bread.
511
00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:27,760
But what we do have is a huge pot
of home-made curry,
512
00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:30,400
which I have made from scratch,
513
00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:34,800
and you very happily invited
yourself in to eat some of!
514
00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:40,480
Aye, but no naans, though!
515
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:42,680
I know. Why don't we phone some in?
516
00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:45,160
Oh, that's a brilliant idea. Beth!
CATH BANGS TABLE
517
00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:48,360
Beth, Beth, phone for
naan breads to be delivered.
518
00:24:48,360 --> 00:24:50,680
They won't deliver you
just naan bread.
519
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:53,720
Why? There's a minimum charge
for a home delivery.
520
00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:56,200
Aye, that's right.
521
00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:58,760
I've phoned for a tub of
grated cheese before,
522
00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:02,440
and they more or less
told me to piss off.
523
00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:05,400
Well, why don't we...
524
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:10,720
..get some starters, then we can get
some naan breads along with them?
525
00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:13,040
That is a great idea.
526
00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:14,600
Aye. Christine?
527
00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:16,520
Aye, I'd take a pakora.
528
00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:18,720
I thought your stomach
was playing up?
529
00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:21,400
Aye, but battered food
always settles me down.
530
00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:24,560
Poppadoms, please.
Oh, poppadoms, yes.
531
00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:28,560
Poppadoms and spicy onions.
How many do you think? Ten?
532
00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:32,200
No, round it up to the dozen.
Right, a dozen poppadoms.
533
00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:34,160
Er, what, three pakora do us?
534
00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:35,880
I'm going to need a pad.
535
00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:39,000
Put me down for a butter chicken.
536
00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:40,480
That's a main course.
537
00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:42,000
Technically.
538
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:44,720
Are you having a main course
as well, Christine?
539
00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:49,440
Well, in that case, I will be
having a wee lamb rogan josh.
540
00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:52,720
Oh, and get some rice, Col.
Get proper rice. I don't like
541
00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:54,720
the look of this stuff.
542
00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:56,840
Mm, you're right to be wary, Cath.
543
00:25:56,840 --> 00:26:00,160
Eric? You fancy something?
544
00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:04,680
Wouldn't mind a chicken tikka.
Oh, I'll have a bit of that!
545
00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:08,320
Ian? I'm good with what
I've got, thanks, Cath.
546
00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:11,120
Me too. Right, I'll phone it.
547
00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:13,840
Do you know the Taj, Gordon?
That's the best!
548
00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:19,560
Taj...ma hole, Gordon!
549
00:26:19,560 --> 00:26:21,560
OK.
550
00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:23,960
Right, three pakora,
551
00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:26,720
a dozen poppadoms,
one lamb rogan josh,
552
00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:30,880
butter chicken, chicken tikka,
a couple of proper rice,
553
00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:34,760
and plenty of naans!
554
00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:38,720
Hello. Yes, I'd like to make
an order for home delivery.
555
00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:43,520
Oh... One hour, 45 minutes. Oh!
556
00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:48,600
What if we collected it?
557
00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:51,800
Right. Says he's fine
with the collection,
558
00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:55,160
but it should be ready
in about half an hour. Oh.
559
00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:58,840
Listen, I've had a drink.
I cannae go and get it.
560
00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:03,400
I'll go. No! You've been drinking
too. No, it's all right,
561
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:05,080
I've got mints in the car.
562
00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:07,800
I'll go for it.
Gordon, you don't need to do that.
563
00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:11,000
Honestly, it's no problem.
Would you, Gordon? Aye?
564
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:14,320
Oh, bless you, Gordon, honey!
565
00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:16,040
Yeah, I don't mind.
566
00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:18,360
I've not been drinking,
so I can drive.
567
00:27:18,360 --> 00:27:20,880
Oh, you're some man.
568
00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:22,960
Right, that's it. We're on.
569
00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:25,200
OK, so...
570
00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:30,000
Are you all right?
Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
571
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:33,080
You sure you're OK going?
Oh, yeah, no problem.
572
00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:36,280
Look, can I just say something?
573
00:27:38,360 --> 00:27:41,000
I'm sorry I didn't help you
fight those guys.
574
00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:43,280
Honestly, don't even worry about it.
575
00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:46,800
No. I'm your partner.
I should have stood up for you.
576
00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:49,720
Oh, don't listen to them.
They're a nightmare.
577
00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:51,440
I'm just glad YOU didn't get hurt.
578
00:27:58,080 --> 00:28:00,920
And I'm glad we're together.
579
00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:02,520
No matter what they say.
580
00:28:02,520 --> 00:28:04,280
Eh?
581
00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:06,840
Och, nothing.
582
00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:11,200
Was this when I was in the toilet?
583
00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:13,360
What did they say?
584
00:28:13,360 --> 00:28:16,080
What did they say?
585
00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:20,080
Well, they were basically saying...
586
00:28:20,080 --> 00:28:21,840
I should finish with you.
587
00:28:21,840 --> 00:28:23,520
Who said that?
588
00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:27,440
Who said that? Colin.
589
00:28:31,240 --> 00:28:32,760
Are you no' away yet?
590
00:28:34,040 --> 00:28:37,560
# Oh, how lovely cooks the meat
Oh, how lovely cooks the meat
591
00:28:37,560 --> 00:28:41,120
# When I get back home to eat
Oh, how lovely cooks the meat
592
00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:44,120
# I smell it far away
and I thought of it all day
593
00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:49,920
# She's cooking the meat for me
What a meal it's going to be
594
00:28:49,920 --> 00:28:52,240
# Oh, I've cooked
595
00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:56,320
# A lovely meal
596
00:28:56,320 --> 00:28:59,840
# To my man, it will appeal... #
73514
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