Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

PHONE BEEPS

Eric, that's your phone.

Eric, phone!

Oh.

Who is it?

It's Colin.

Oh, right. And what's he saying?

Him and Cath are ordering a takeaway.

Asking if we wanted anything.

What are you saying?

I'm just telling him you're already making dinner.

Ah, right.

PHONE BEEPS

You didn't tell him what I was making, did you?

Er... Eric.

I might have.

And what did he say?

If you're doing a curry, they'll no' bother phoning one. Oh!

PHONE BEEPS

What is it now?

Oh...! Eric.

Cathy says you've not to do the rice in the microwave.

Hi! Hi! Hi, boys.

What's happened to you?

I'm fine, I'm fine.

It looks worse than is. Dear me!

Oh, somebody's been getting new cargo pants, I see. Eh?

Er... Oh, aye.

Aye. Come in, boys, come in.

Hi, boys.

Oh, my God! Oh, honestly, it's OK.

What on earth happened?

I just got into an argument.

Who with? Look, it doesn't matter. I'm completely fine.

It's really not that serious. Thanks for having us over.

Aye, aye, no problem.

I brought some supplies.

Oh. You can't have a curry without a bloody big beer,

or a glass of lager, can you?

It smells good, Mum. Ah, well, I hope it's all right.

I've never done a veggie curry before.

I'm sure it'll be lovely. I'll stick these in the fridge.

You boys want a beer? Aye, go on.

Yes, please. But can I get a non-alcoholic one, please?

Oh, I... I don't know if I've got...

The blue ones in the bag are my non-alcoholic ones. Oh.

You're driving, are you? I am, but I actually drink them

most of the time now. I said to Ian that he should switch to them,

so he doesn't end up with a big beer...belly.

So, how are you? Er, I'm fine. Have you seen a doctor about this?

Yeah, yeah, it's fine. Don't stress. It's nothing.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh!

That'll be Colin and Cathy.

What?! Blame your dad!

Are you solid? Pardon?

Cos let me tell you, without going into too much detail,

it has been absolutely shooting out of me.

Oh, dear God!

There you go. Cheers, boys. Cheers. Cheers!

Mm...

Mm, that's lovely. Aye, they're very popular, those, aren't they?

Is that low alcohol, or no alcohol?

No alcohol at all.

Ah. Do you want to try it?

No.

And I've gone back and checked everything I've eaten,

and the one thing that I keep coming back to

is that sandwich you made me the other day.

What?! The ham and the tiger loaf.

Christine... What was the date on that ham?

The ham is fine.

And your boards are clean?

Yes. Mm-hm. And your cloths are being washed regularly?

Yes. And you're feeling all right?

Well, I was up until now.

Well, that is a mystery.

Because this is the furthest I have been

from my toilet pan in 48 hours. Well, are you feeling all right?

Do you want to come in? Mm, I don't know.

Is Eric in? Yes.

Oh, well, he'll want to know all about this. Oh...

Hello, Eric. Hi, Christine, how are you? Oh, wait a minute.

I need to use your loo. Are you all right?

She's got a bit of an upset stomach. Oh, I'm glad

she's coming here to have it.

Is it vomiting or diarrhoea, Mrs Baird?

The latter, I think, Gordon.

Oh...

False alarm, Beth. We're OK.

I did break wind in your hallway, though. Apologies.

Oh, here. Here, what happened to you? He was in a fight.

A fight? You said it was an argument.

It just got a little bit out of hand. It was nothing.

Oh, that looks a bad one, Ian. That might scar.

Do you think? Mm.

It's a no-go with the customer service roles for you, Ian.

I don't want a customer service role.

Unless it was Costa.

You could do the machine wi' your back turned, you know. Right.

Here, I've got a scar on my back, Gordon.

You ever seen it? No. Oh, wait till you see this.

Look at that, eh?

That's from when I got hit by that trolley in the car park

at Morrisons. Do you remember that, Beth? I do, Christine.

Do you see it, Gordon? No. Oh, wait a minute...

till I get these rolled down a wee bit.

There we are. It's quite a deep pant I've on today, Gordon.

Christ, the amount of times these have been up and down today, Eric!

Can you see it, Gordon? Oh, yeah. Aye.

Can you see it, Eric? Er, I should go and check the curry.

Oh, yous are having a curry, are you? Yes.

Oh. Where did you get it?

Nowhere. I cooked it.

YOU did?

Yes. In THAT kitchen?

Yes. Ian and Gordon are over for dinner.

And what are they getting for their pudding, two Imodium and a cork?!

Christine thinks it might be something she ate in here

that's made her ill.

ERIC: What's this?

Christine thinks it might be the ham sandwich I made her the other day

that's upset her stomach.

Well, I've been absolutely fine.

Aye, but did you have the ham? Yes. I saw him eating it

straight from the packet yesterday, when I was here. Aye, you see,

but he'll have built up a tolerance to her germs, Gordon.

Excuse me?!

It's like dogs. They can lick their own dirt,

and then they're neither up, nor down.

They eat their own sick too. Can you imagine that?

Do you mind? We're just about to have our dinner here!

Now, can I make you a drink, Christine?

Oh, I don't know.

Peppermint tea's very good for an upset stomach.

Aye, for giving you one. Well, what about if I make you

a normal tea, just a bit weak?

Mm, aye... All right, all right.

Right. An ordinary tea, wi' a wee dash of milk,

and fresh water in the kettle

and a mug straight fae the dishwasher. OK.

Ah, fuck it. I'm going in.

Ah. Mm-hm. Now...

Christine, what are you doing?!

Oh-ho, well!

Your sink hole wouldnae say no to a bit of bleach.

Oh, for goodness' sake!

Oh, for Christ's sake!

When was the last time that saw the inside of a washing machine, eh?

Do you mind?! Oh.

There it is.

Here we go.

The epicentre. Now...

Oh, wait a minute.

What's in this dish here?

It's the lasagne we had the other night.

That's going out.

Christine! What else have we got?

CHRISTINE SNIFFS

Oh. What's the date on this?

Ha! Whole baby beetroots?

They'll have had babies of their own by now.

Right, this is ridiculous.

There is nothing wrong with my kitchen, or my fridge,

or anything else.

Now, do you want that cup of tea, or not?

Fair enough, Beth.

I'll take a tea.

Right.

Christine, go and sit down.

DOORBELL RINGS

Eric, get that, would you?

Hey! Here he is, the curry king. Hi, Cath. Hi, Colin.

Oh, I can smell it already, Col. That's good, isn't it?

Makes a change from the sort of smell of washing

that's normally here. Oh, I hate that.

It's even worse if she's got stuff over the radiators. Aye,

all her tights and stuff.

Anyway, nice to see you, squire.

Glad we could make it.

Me too.

Hey, there's Ian and Gordon!

Oh, hi, Gordon.

There's Christine. Mm-hm. Uh.

Here, what's happened to you? Oh, nothing. You look like

you've been beaten up.

I've been through the wars myself, Cath...

Was it a homophobic attack, Ian?

See, this is the trouble wi' these tight jeans.

Were you trying to fire into a straight guy?

No, I was not!

Hi, Cath. So, what happened, then?

Oh, look, it was nothing.

Obviously, it wasn't nothing, if you managed to get a black eye.

Oh, geez oh. Right.

So, we'd been in town having dinner, and we went along to the station

to get a cab home. There was these three blokes in the queue, and

they were saying some stuff to the girls in front of them.

What were they saying? Just...stuff that was a bit out of order.

Anyway, so the next thing, I said to them to leave them alone,

and then they sort of turned on me,

and then it was pushing and shoving,

and then one of them just...punched me. Oh, Ian!

I know. Did you hit him back?

Well, yeah.

He was quite violent as a child, Colin.

So, what happened then? Then it just got out of hand.

His mates all piled in, and then we all ended up on the ground

but, thankfully, two guys came out of the chip shop and broke it up.

Oh, that was good of them. They probably lost their place

in the queue. Oh, you poor thing!

Come here.

Well, at least it got stopped when it did. It could have been

a hell of a lot worse. And what exactly were they saying

to the lassies? Let's not get into all that.

"Show us your tits." Oh.

Was it, "Show ME your tits"?

Does it matter?! No, I think it was "us". "Show US your tits."

He definitely wanted to see them.

They were arseholes, let's just leave it there.

And how did the girls react? Well, they were just

ignoring them, really. Right. Until one of the other guys

started saying other stuff.

What other stuff? Gordon.

"Suck my cock..." Right.

..and, "Sit on my face."

Erm... "Shows us your tits. Suck my cock," and, "Sit on my face."

I think we get the picture, Gordon.

And someone screamed, "Whore master!"

But it was really difficult at that point to tell who that was aimed at.

I mean, there was a lot going on.

And did you get hit as well?

Well, no, not really.

It was all over quite quickly, to be honest with you.

Yeah, it happened so fast, I wasn't sure what to do.

Never been in a fight before.

Have you not?

COLIN SNORTS

No.

Has nobody ever just...punched you?

No. And I've never hit anyone.

What, never?!

Nope. Never in my whole life.

Well, the main thing is, you're all right.

Mm. I'm fine.

The thing that pissed me off the most was that it spoiled

our night out. Oh, it's such a shame.

We'd just been out for a meal for our anniversary.

Oh, had yous?

Yeah, we've been together for two years now. Aw! Aw!

Does it seems longer, Ian?

Congratulations, boys.

That is a real achievement.

Especially with the amount of casual sex that's available

within the gay community. Aye.

Remember, folk used to meet up in the park at night, Beth, eh?

Do they still do that? No, it's all online now, Christine.

Oh, really?

Well, maybe they'll cut back those big rhododendrons now, Beth.

So, is this what this curry's in aid of, then, is it?

Is it a wee anniversary celebration?

It is, Colin, yes. Aye, that's brilliant.

What are you doing for them? Is it chicken, or lamb, or...?

Cauliflower and chickpea.

Say again, Beth?

Cauliflower and chickpea.

No meat?

No. It's a vegetable curry.

Why? Because Gordon's a vegetarian.

But Colin likes lamb.

Lamb curry, do you not fancy that?

He doesn't eat lamb.

Has he ever tried it?

Well, no, he's a vegetarian. Can you no' make him his

in a separate thing and do us a proper one?

They were invited.

Beth cooked it especially for them.

MOCKING: Oh, woohoo!

We've managed two years without bumming anyone else.

Let's celebrate with a vegetarian curry!

Nobody ain't doing nothing with their bums if they eat anything

that she's made. Thank you, Christine.

How come you're on the beers?

No' got a bottle of bubbly or something to open, Eric?

Er, well, we've got a bit of wine in the fridge.

It's fine, we're not bothered. Colin, away and get

a bottle of champagne and bring it through. Aye, all right.

Oh, and get a couple of the chicken breasts out of the freezer as well.

No!

TOILET FLUSHES

Beth, where do you put your stuff for the blue bin?

DOOR OPENS

Only me.

Hey! Yay! Woohoo! There he is!

Eric, Eric, go and get some glasses.

Er, clean ones, Eric.

Listen, you didn't need to bother, Col. It's very kind of you.

No, it's all right, Ian. We got it as a present, anyway.

I've got a wee present for you as well. Well,

it's for Gordon, actually.

Oh, excited!

What is it?

It's one of Cathy's personal safety alarms.

What?

Well, it's just in case, you know, something happens in the future.

Gordon's obviously no' much of a fighter,

but next time there's a bit of bother, you've got this handy.

Right. Well, thanks very much.

A silly wee bleeper's no going to do him much good, is it?

Well, you know, actually, it's quite a powerful wee thing.

Look. PIERCING TONES WAIL

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, God!

Oh! Oh, switch that off!

ALARM BLARES

What's that noise?!

Colin, put it off! I'm trying!

Oh! Throw it out the window!

Oh, for God's sake! Colin!

Colin!

ALARM STOPS

Oh...

Geez oh!

What on earth is that thing?!

It's Cathy's personal safety alarm.

What a bloody racket!

We're giving it to Gordon because he's a wuss.

Hey! Here, Gordon,

stick that on your key ring. Are you sure you don't need it?

No, Gordon, honey. You take it.

Honestly, men are more frightened of me than I am of them.

Watch that disnae go off in your pocket, Gordon.

That'll blow your fucking nuts off.

Well, thanks very much, erm...

I'll just pop it there.

Right, who's for a glass of champagne? Woohoo!

Come on, Colin! Get it open.

Nice glass of bubbly, celebrate Beth's curry.

It's their anniversary.

Celebrate their anniversary.

Christine, you taking a glass?

Oh, I don't know whether I should risk it. No, no, Christine,

you stick to your tea. Cups of tea, trips to the toilet.

That's a good night for you.

CORK POPS

Woohoo! Whoa!

That is the kind of noise I like!

Here, is that any use to you, Christine?

THEY ALL LAUGH

Mum, come get a glass of champagne!

Eric, glass of bubbly, squire.

Oh, why not? There you go.

Right, Ian? Thanks very much, Colin.

Very kind of you.

Oh, here she is - the queen of the curries.

Glass of champagne, Your Highness?

Oh, go on. Thank you, Colin.

Right, and Gordon.

I won't, actually. Thanks, Colin.

Eh? I'm not drinking.

Well, what's that?

It's non-alcoholic.

What?

It's non-alcoholic beer.

What is the fucking point in that?

Well, you can have a drink, without getting drunk.

Look, if he doesn't want to drink, he doesn't have to.

OK, OK.

Right, well, cheers, folks.

Here's to...

Ian and Gordon. Ian and Gordon. Ian and Gordon.

Ian and boring bastard.

To us. To us.

So, two years, eh, boys? Eh?

Yeah. It's just flown by, hasn't it? Yeah, it has.

Mm, has it really, Ian?

It's been lovely getting to know you, son.

And what would you say has been the highlight

of your relationship so far?

Oh, God. Er, let me think... Mm...

There's been loads, hasn't there? Yeah. Yeah, there has.

Well, if you had to pick one, I mean, what would it be?

Er... Well, we've been for some lovely walks, haven't we?

Yeah. Yeah, we have. You can't beat a big woodland walk on a Sunday,

then home for a bath and a hot chocolate.

That's... That's nice.

Mm. Mm.

Well, here's to you, boys.

Cheers. Cheers.

Do these woodland walks take place at night, by any chance, Gordon?

These chip shops are a hot spot for trouble.

Folk full of drink and driven out of their minds

with the smell of the vinegar.

I mean, fair play to you, Ian, for taking on the three of them.

Aye, and people make the mistake of thinking that the gays are soft,

but they can be vicious wee bastards.

What were you doing, Gordon?

Were you just standing there, watching?

Well, I didn't know what to do.

Look, it all happened so quickly.

It was a blur, wasn't it? It was, yeah. Aye, but when he was

on the ground and they were on him, did you not think of stepping in?

Well...

..I've never been in that situation before. Aye, but your instinct

kicks in, surely? I didn't know what to do.

I was scared. Too scared to defend your partner?

Well, if that had been Colin, I would have jumped RIGHT in.

Aye, you say that now. Yes, I would, Ian.

I would have taken my shoe off and used the heel.

Pulling hair's good, Cath. Oh, yeah. But if they're wearing extensions,

they just come away in your hands. Ah. I don't think hair pulling

would have done much with these guys. Well, at least it'd have

been something, Ian. Aye, you could have grabbed a clump of it,

and then dragged them to the ground.

And started kicking them in the balls.

Oh, kicking the balls - that's good, Cath.

Oh, that REALLY hurts them. You know, sometimes, if he just

crosses his legs the wrong way, he's in agony. Mm.

Oh, stamping as well, Cath.

Stamping on their hands.

Stamping on their hands with your heels on!

No, remember, you've taken them off, Cath.

Oh, yeah, so I have.

Or there's always the good old Glasgow kiss.

Yes. Oh, yes, indeed.

Just a simple headbutt.

I mean, we are renowned the world over for doing that to people.

And they are very effective.

Just aim straight for the bridge of the nose, and then

you follow it up with a good, swift punch in the kidneys.

And then, when they hit the floor, you spit in their face...

and finish them off!

CHRISTINE SPITS

Oh...

God, Col...

I'm dying for a night out!

Listen, it was a nightmare.

Anything could have happened.

At the end of the day, it was better only one of us getting dragged in.

Otherwise, it could have ended up a whole lot worse.

BETH: OK, that's us ready.

Here we go. Curry time!

Woohoo! Lucky I made a big pot.

Oh, I'm ready for this. Eh, Gordon?

Oh, yes, smells delicious.

Aw, thanks a lot for doing this, Mum. Oh, it's no problem.

Right, who's having some? Oh, yes, please.

Oh, I don't know.

My stomach's saying yes, but my arse is screaming no!

Er, well, just a wee bit?

Oh, I'm not sure if I should risk it. Is it spicy?

No, it's quite mild. You're what?

It's quite mild, the curry. You're joking?!

It's got to have a bit of a kick to it, Beth.

Curry is supposed to be spicy, Beth.

Gordon doesn't like anything too hot. Is this because of you?

Well... Yeah, sorry. I just can't take anything too spicy.

Oh, for fu... So, we are having a mild vegetable curry?

Yes, Colin.

It's like a korma. Is that the one we get?

No, no, we get rogan josh.

Colin likes rogan josh, Eric.

Excuse me, I'll just nip to the toilet and wash my hands.

I'd go upstairs, Gordon.

That wee one in the hall might still be in shock.

Oh, napkins.

I'm no' trying to be funny, Ian...

but he must do your head in.

What? He must, Ian. Come on. I mean, he disnae drink,

disnae eat meat, doesn't like anything spicy.

He's got absolutely no arse.

Oh, Cathy, for God's sake!

Yeah, all right, Eric. Just cos yours is fucking huge!

I never noticed that about Gordon.

Is he quite flat at the back, Cath?

There's absolutely no arse at all, Christine. Just leave him alone.

He's my partner! He might be your partner,

but he was quite happy to stand back and watch you taking a hiding

in the middle of the street. Oh, not this again!

You know, that's where people show their true colours.

You were getting physically attacked, and he just stood back

and watched. Honestly, if I were you...

I'd get shot of him.

Pardon? I would.

I mean, the highlight of your relationship

has been going for walks.

CATH SCOFFS

Come on!

No offence, Ian, but take him to the woods

and fucking leave him there. I'm not listening to this.

This is outrageous! Er, that's enough, Cathy!

ERIC: That IS enough! They're here for a nice family dinner.

Look, we'll just go. This... No, no, no. You stay there.

Just drop it, right?

Ah, here he is.

What were you talking about?

Oh, nothing, really... Nothing, just... Just the curry...

THEY ALL MUMBLE

Curry and... Aye, rice...

OK, who's for rice? Yes, please. Oh, yes.

Ah...

Thank you, Mum. Gordon?

Oh, wow, look at that!

Bloody love rice.

Have you naan breads as well, Beth?

Er, no, I'm afraid there's no naan bread.

You've what?!

Oh...! Oh, Beth, Beth, Beth.

Oh, you cannae have a curry without naan breads. Exactly!

Well, I am very sorry. We DON'T have any naan bread.

But what we do have is a huge pot of home-made curry,

which I have made from scratch,

and you very happily invited yourself in to eat some of!

Aye, but no naans, though!

I know. Why don't we phone some in?

Oh, that's a brilliant idea. Beth! CATH BANGS TABLE

Beth, Beth, phone for naan breads to be delivered.

They won't deliver you just naan bread.

Why? There's a minimum charge for a home delivery.

Aye, that's right.

I've phoned for a tub of grated cheese before,

and they more or less told me to piss off.

Well, why don't we...

..get some starters, then we can get some naan breads along with them?

That is a great idea.

Aye. Christine?

Aye, I'd take a pakora.

I thought your stomach was playing up?

Aye, but battered food always settles me down.

Poppadoms, please. Oh, poppadoms, yes.

Poppadoms and spicy onions. How many do you think? Ten?

No, round it up to the dozen. Right, a dozen poppadoms.

Er, what, three pakora do us?

I'm going to need a pad.

Put me down for a butter chicken.

That's a main course.

Technically.

Are you having a main course as well, Christine?

Well, in that case, I will be having a wee lamb rogan josh.

Oh, and get some rice, Col. Get proper rice. I don't like

the look of this stuff.

Mm, you're right to be wary, Cath.

Eric? You fancy something?

Wouldn't mind a chicken tikka. Oh, I'll have a bit of that!

Ian? I'm good with what I've got, thanks, Cath.

Me too. Right, I'll phone it.

Do you know the Taj, Gordon? That's the best!

Taj...ma hole, Gordon!

OK.

Right, three pakora,

a dozen poppadoms, one lamb rogan josh,

butter chicken, chicken tikka, a couple of proper rice,

and plenty of naans!

Hello. Yes, I'd like to make an order for home delivery.

Oh... One hour, 45 minutes. Oh!

What if we collected it?

Right. Says he's fine with the collection,

but it should be ready in about half an hour. Oh.

Listen, I've had a drink. I cannae go and get it.

I'll go. No! You've been drinking too. No, it's all right,

I've got mints in the car.

I'll go for it. Gordon, you don't need to do that.

Honestly, it's no problem. Would you, Gordon? Aye?

Oh, bless you, Gordon, honey!

Yeah, I don't mind.

I've not been drinking, so I can drive.

Oh, you're some man.

Right, that's it. We're on.

OK, so...

Are you all right? Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

You sure you're OK going? Oh, yeah, no problem.

Look, can I just say something?

I'm sorry I didn't help you fight those guys.

Honestly, don't even worry about it.

No. I'm your partner. I should have stood up for you.

Oh, don't listen to them. They're a nightmare.

I'm just glad YOU didn't get hurt.

And I'm glad we're together.

No matter what they say.

Eh?

Och, nothing.

Was this when I was in the toilet?

What did they say?

What did they say?

Well, they were basically saying...

I should finish with you.

Who said that?

Who said that? Colin.

Are you no' away yet?

# Oh, how lovely cooks the meat Oh, how lovely cooks the meat

# When I get back home to eat Oh, how lovely cooks the meat

# I smell it far away and I thought of it all day

# She's cooking the meat for me What a meal it's going to be

# Oh, I've cooked

# A lovely meal

# To my man, it will appeal... #