Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

What do you think? Aye.

You don't know what I've done, do you? Nah.

Well, I've moved that lamp and I've shifted the rug,

so it's in line with the sofa.

Oh, aye, now you say, aye. Everything all right upstairs?

Aye, I've hoovered the hall, I've pulled the blinds down

in the bedroom and I've put the ironing board back in the cupboard.

Great. Oh, and I've lit a wee candle

in the bathroom. Aww, you didn't need to do that.

No. I did.

Hi, Michelle. How you doing?

Not too early, are we?

Oh, no, no, no, don't be daft. Hi, Alan.

They're early.

Come in, come in. Aww, thanks, Michelle.

Ohh!

Oh, this is lovely, Michelle.

Isn't this nice, Eric? Oh, looks good.

Oh, look at the fireplace there with the lights.

Oh, and I like that rug too.

I love it, it goes just nicely with the suite.

Took me ages to find one the right colour.

Oh, no, it's perfect.

Oh, thanks, Beth.

Oh, lovely big telly.

Yeah, Alan picked that.

Take Beth's jacket, would you, please, Alan? Right, aye.

You needing fags or anything out the pocket?

Er, no.

Oh, before I forget, this is for you.

Oh, you didn't need to bother.

Oh, it's just a wee something.

Oh, thanks so much.

Och. Look, Alan, Beth got us a little house-warming pressie.

It's not a candle, is it?

It's like the fucking chapel in here as it is.

Ha!

Oh, look.

Oh, if you want to exchange it for something else,

I might still have the receipt.

Don't be daft. Where is it out of?

Er, Asda.

Take it back and swap it for food.

Just put it on the table, please, Alan.

Now, what would you like to drink?

I'm going to do some cocktails later on,

but I thought we could start with a wee glass of wine or something?

Oh, yes, a white wine would be lovely, Michelle.

Eric? Er, I'll take a glass of wine, aye.

Do you no' want a lager, Eric? I've got the wee Belgian ones, 7%?

Oh, aye, a beer, sure thing.

Take a seat anywhere you like.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, Christine.

Take that and guide me in.

Oh.

I think it's quite nice, aye.

Oh, hi, Christine.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, for God's sake.

I'm all right, Michelle. Bless you, bless you.

What happened?

I've scratched my eye, Beth.

You what?

I've scratched my eyeball. I caught it in the edge of my newspaper.

Oh. Oh, dear, bad news right enough, eh?

HE CHUCKLES

Are you all right?

Oh, I've been very, very lucky, Beth.

The wee doctor said that if it'd been my Take A Break,

it could've been much worse.

Oh, you poor thing.

I've been told to rest but I didnae want to disappoint you.

I brung you a wee cactus.

Aww, thanks.

Aye, 50p.

All right, Christine?

Oh, oh, wait a minute, wait, till...

wait till I get turned round, who's this?

Oh, it's you, Alan.

Hello, Alan.

What's happened to you?

She's hurt her eye.

Aye, the white bit, Alan, quite a deep scratch.

Now the doctor's given me drops and painkillers

and I've had my blinds shut all afternoon.

Can you still see out of it?

Well, no' when I'm wearing this fucking patch, no.

Christine, can I get you a wee drink of something?

Mm, I don't know, I'm on quite a heavy antibiotic.

A lemonade?

Aye, brandy and lemonade, that'll be lovely, Michelle.

Alan, see when people arrive, could you offer them a drink?

Right. Instead of me having to ask them

and then ask you?

DOORBELL RINGS

Right. Will I...? No, you get the drinks!

I'll go to the door. Right.

Where did you get this rug, Michelle?

I got it online. It's nice, isn't it?

I think we should do something with our lounge, Eric.

Hey? Like what? Well, a new rug would be nice.

Nothing wrong with the one we've got. Really?

Aye, hides that big stain

in the carpet perfectly.

SHE SIGHS

Hey.

BETH: Oh, hi, Cathy. You all right, Cath? Colin?

Hello, hello, hello, we're here!

Who's this?

It's Colin and Cathy.

Oh, dear, what's happened here?

I scratched my eyeball, Colin.

How the hell did you manage that?

I caught it on the edge of my newspaper,

the doctor's given me drops and painkillers.

And was it him that gave you the patch?

No, I thought it was fancy dress and I came as a fucking pirate.

Is this it, Michelle?

Well, tonight's really just a night for the neighbours, you know?

Oh, aye, very nice.

In fact, we brought yous a wee pressie so here you go.

Aww!

Oh, it's not another fu... Alan!

Eh, some difference in here, hey, Colin?

Oh, aye, it's...

It's looking good. Do you remember what it used to be like? Oh, aye.

May I offer yous a drink?

Yes. What do you want?

Well, what have you got?

Well, I was actually going to do some cocktails.

Oh, brilliant, Michelle, well, let's have a cocktail.

I can do you a mojito or a strawberry daiquiri.

Oh. Or the wee beers with 7%?

Strawberry daiquiri, Michelle.

Aye, I'll have a daiquiri too.

Alan!

It's an M&S candle, Michelle.

I don't know how to do them.

Alan, honestly?

So, all right, Beth?

Yes, fine, thanks, Cathy.

Oh, it's nice in here, isn't it?

Oh, lovely. She's done a great job.

Yeah, if you like things quite... quite plain.

Cathy. What?

She has put a lot of work into this place

and it's very nice of her to have us over, so just don't...

All right, all right.

Is that all the hard work over, then, is it, Alan?

Michelle wants a bigger extractor fan in the loo

but apart from that it's just...

Oh, you've done some job with it. I remember when old Archie had it.

Aye? Oh, aye.

Newspapers piled up over there, cats' litter tray there

and some sort of frame with a harness in it there,

don't know what it was.

Wee Asian doctor, Eric,

that's what you want for anything to do with your eyes.

Really?

Asian for your eyes, Chinese for your back

and maybe take a plain British one for stitches.

There you go.

Oh, thank you.

And thank you, Michelle, for having us in your beautiful home.

Some difference, Michelle.

I'm just saying to Alan how different it is since Archie had it.

Yeah?

Oh, aye, and it smells much better too.

You'll have put some value onto the place with all the work you've done.

Aye, they certainly will, Eric.

As a matter of fact, I've been meaning to get mine valued

since I had that handrail put round my front step.

Well, are you wanting a look around?

Well, I wouldn't mind. Cathy?

Oh, go on, Michelle.

Let's see how many different shades of beige you've managed to find.

So this is my kitchen.

Oh, yes, this is nice.

Isn't this lovely, Cathy? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I mean, it's great how everything's so close together.

You can just get the food straight from the fridge

to the cooker to the bin.

Oh, it just makes me want to cook something.

Does it, Beth? What do you want to cook, Beth? Potatoes?

I'm just saying it's a lovely kitchen

and it looks ideal for cooking in.

See since we got it done, I've been cooking every night.

You have, haven't you?

Shall we see upstairs? Yeah, come on!

Let's go and look at Michelle's toilet!

See if you think it's ideal for shitting in.

Nice big telly you've got. I was saying that.

It's a beauty, innit?

Is that the 55 incher, Alan? Aye, you want it on?

Well?

Wouldnae mind a wee look.

Aye, stick it on, Alan.

Oooh!

Oh, look at that.

Look at the colours on it, Eric. Is that high definition, Alan?

High definition, surround sound, internet, voice control.

What's voice control?

Well, you just say what you want to watch and it puts it on.

Eh? You say the name of the programme

that you want to watch and it automatically switches to it.

Oh, that's clever, that.

We've been looking into getting a new telly

but I never knew they did them with voice...

Bargain Hunt!

Bargain Hunt!

Oh, this is nice.

Oh, this is where the magic happens, Michelle?

Don't know about that.

King size mattress.

Beth, let's try it.

Oooh!

Oh, Beth, come and try this.

No, I won't.

Come on, I won't touch you.

Oh, yes, very comfortable.

What side of the bed are you on?

That side.

Beth, check the drawers, see if she's got a dildo.

Aye, he came off that cushion a bit heavy, did he no', Eric?

Uh-huh.

His positional play is very sloppy.

Oh, aye.

SNOOKER BALLS CLACK

And again.

Alan!

All right? What you doing with the telly on?

Here, Beth, shout Emmerdale and see what happens.

Switch it off. But they wanted to see it.

Put it off. Lorraine!

No, you need to shout it into the remote.

Alan, just switch the television off.

Rogue Traders!

Oh, what we going to do now?

Oh, Alan, they don't have drinks.

Do yous want another one, aye? Aye, go on.

What about everybody else, Christine?

Would you like a wee cocktail? I'll take another one, honey.

I couldn't really taste the spirits in that one, though.

Oh, I don't know if I should, Michelle,

what with this heavy antibiotic.

Would you prefer a soft drink?

Mm, what are you drinking, Beth?

What was there again?

Mojito or strawberry daiquiri.

I'll take a daiquiri, Michelle.

No, I'm going to try a mojito.

Ah, fuck it, give me a wee bit of both, Michelle.

Beth?

Er, I'll take a mojito, Michelle. Oooh!

Did you get a look upstairs, did you?

We did. Oh, it's absolutely beautiful.

Well, I wouldn't say it was...

It's beautiful.

Alan, any chance you could do a wee bit of work in my place?

Aye, what you wanting done?

Well, I'm thinking of turning my dining room into a bedroom.

Where will you sit and eat your dinner?

In my bed, son, that's the whole point.

Right, here we are.

Oooh!

Oh, here we go. Beth, that's yours. Cathy.

Thank you.

And Christine, there you go.

Thanks, Michelle.

Oh, that's better, I can nearly taste it now, Michelle.

So, listen, thank you, everyone, for coming tonight

and for all your lovely gifts.

You've really made us feel so welcome here.

Oh, no problem at all, honey.

We love the house, but what's really the most important thing...

..is that we've got such nice neighbours.

Aww! Well, you've done a grand job.

We're pleased you're settling in.

Yes, and it's great to have such a lovely, young couple

in the neighbourhood, it really is. DOORBELL RINGS

Who the fuck's that?

Louise! Oh! Come in!

It's a nice suite, hey, Cath?

Meh.

Everyone, this is my friend Louise.

Beth, Beth, she's... Yes.

All right?

Michelle, is she deaf?

Yeah, sorry, Louise is deaf.

Beth, she's deaf. But if you just speak a little bit slower,

she'll be able to lip-read you.

Oh, right. Hi, Louise, my name is Beth.

And this is Cathy.

Hi, Louise.

SHE MOUTHS

Oh, my God, Col, she's so young, it's so sad.

And this is Christine.

Hi, Louise, good to meet ya.

My friend Pat knows a wee girl with a hearing aid.

Do you know her? Katrina.

What's she saying?

Er, she doesn't think so. Ah.

This is Eric.

This is Colin. Beth and Cathy's husbands.

I...I...I'm Cathy's, tell her I'm Cathy's.

Oh, you're driving?

Oh, she drives a car, Colin.

Can you do it too, Alan? What?

The sign language? A wee bit.

Well, what did you say to her?

I just says, "You all right?"

Oh, and what did she say?

She says she's good, aye.

Oh, that's amazing, isn't it?

I bet she's got a very good sense of smell.

See, that's what happens when you're deprived of one sense,

the others kick in to compensate.

Here, my ears could pick up the slack.

How long have they been pals, Alan?

Oh, a long time.

Louise, Eric's saying how long have you...?

Oh, I'm shite at it.

Get a pad.

How long have you and Michelle been pals for?

23, is it?

23 year, Eric. 23 years, eh?

My daughter is 25 but she has went away to live in Wales.

It is a shite-hole, Louise.

So you learned to sign, did you, Michelle?

Yeah, well, she helped me a wee bit.

Oh, that's nice, isn't it?

CATH CLAPS HANDS URGENTLY

Hey!

SHE MOUTHS

Louise?

CHRISTINE CLICKS HER FINGERS Louise.

ENUNCIATES CLEARLY: I have never met a deaf person before

but I have met a man with a false hand,

I've met a woman in callipers

and I've shared a table in Costa

with a lovely wee Down's syndrome boy.

Is everybody else all right for drinks?

Aye, go on, another one of these wee beers.

Aye, I'll take another one, Michelle. I'll have a Stella.

Alan, why don't you head out to the garden?

Take Eric and Colin with you, show them your decking

and then YOU can get them a drink when you're out there.

Do yous want to see it?

Yeah, why not?

Right, come on. Well, scuse us ladies.

Louise?

Decking...

er, for...for a nosey at it.

Oh, Colin, look at this.

You do all this yourself, did you, Alan? I did, aye.

Remember what this was like before when Archie had it, Eric?

Aye, kind of. It was just this kind of area here

where he used to tip his wee basins onto.

Michelle's wanting decking so she can have her coffee outside.

I tell you what you should get, one of these wee chiminea things.

Oh, yeah. What's that?

Oh, it's like a wee kind of wood burner type of thing.

Aye, they're great.

Aye, you and Michelle get parked in front of that,

a wee rug over your laps, a glass of wine

and sat out the back here into the wee small hours.

And do what?

Well, chat.

Nah.

I don't fancy that.

SHE SIGHS DEEPLY

Well, this is a great night, this, isn't it?

Sorry?

It's supposed to be a party for her neighbours

and she's sat over there chatting to her pal.

Cathy, I don't think she knew Louise was coming.

She's neglecting her guests, Beth.

CATH IMITATES A REVERSING VEHICLE

Sorry, Louise.

Michelle, could you ask her to budge up a bit?

So are you OK, Michelle, honey, yeah?

Er, yeah.

Aye, settling in OK? Feeling at home?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so tell me all about your big silver ornaments.

Ah! Got you now.

Good telly there, all-singing, all-dancing,

good big subtitles for you!

Subtitles!

Subtitles!

So, er, how's it going with your other wee project?

Oh, the pond?

No, no, the, you know, getting Michelle pregnant.

Oh, right, aye, er, nah, not yet.

Plenty of time eh? Aye, plenty of time.

Just keep plugging away.

Mm?

I'm just saying, you've gotta keep at it.

Mind you, it could become a bit of a chore.

You're still enjoying it, though, are ya?

Aye, I'm still liking it. Ah, well, that's good.

So have you got any plans to... Because there's always ways

to mix it up if it gets a bit, you know, samey.

Oh, for crying out loud! What?

I'm just saying, Eric, this is important,

they're trying for a baby.

Michelle does sometimes look kinda, I dunno, kinda...

..fed up during it. Does she?

Aye, a bit.

Well, you maybe want to try something a wee bit different.

What? Like up the hoop? No!

Oh, for Christ's sake!

No, I'm just meaning, you know, introduce a bit of variety,

you know, ring the changes.

What...what about a different room?

I mean, you've got a lovely house, you know, make the most of it.

Aye, saying that, there's that big couch,

I could just take the cushions off that and pump her on the floor.

Well, there you go.

And the kitchen's nice. The kitchen, aye.

Mind you, there's raw meat getting cut up in there, that's...

What about the bathroom?

I thought we'd had a tour of the house already?

I'm sorry, Eric, I'm just trying to help Alan.

Look, if you're sticking to the bedroom,

you might want to think about a wee change of position.

Oh, no, we tried that, the minute I go on my back I just fall asleep.

I watch Robot Wars during the night

with the wee woman at the bottom corner of the screen.

Oh, she gets right into it.

She does all the facial expressions to match what they're saying.

Michelle? Michelle? Could you ask Louise something for me?

Yes, sure. Could you ask her

if she'd mind teaching me a little bit of sign language?

Oh, that's a good idea.

Beth wants to learn some sign language.

MICHELLE LAUGHS

What did she say?

She said she's enjoying the party.

Oh, teach me some, Louise, teach me something.

What am I saying?

How are you? Oh!

Not bad, Louise, but this patch is doing my head in.

Oh, do another one, do another one!

What did I say?

You said how upset you are about your eye.

Teach me, teach me!

Oh, God!

Oh, I love it! What did I say? You said I'm a friendly neighbour.

Oh, here, I'll need to go to the loo.

I'll tell you, Alan, see when you get to my age,

there's a price to pay for drinking lager all night.

Just go there, Eric.

Sorry?

Just go up there.

I'm not doing that. Listen, see when I was doing the decking,

to save me trailing all the dust through the house

I was just going up the back and doing a piss on the ground.

Makes sense, Eric. Honestly, it's nae bother.

ALL LAUGH EXCEPT CATH

Oh, you should see her on a night out, she has us all in stitches.

Oh, you should come with us some night, Beth.

Oh, I'd love that.

Right, who's for a wee top-up?

Aye, I'll take another one, Michelle.

I'll have another strawberry thing, honey.

Michelle, I'll get them, you've been on the go all night.

Oh, no, it's fine.

No, no, no, you stay there.

I'll need to take another one of my pills.

Right, I'll get you a glass of water?

No, one of these strawberry things will be fine.

LAUGHTER OUTSIDE

TRICKLING

Ohh!

Eric! Shit!

Eric, what are you doing?

Er, I was just, um...

Are you doing the toilet? It's these wee beers, Beth.

Eric, stop that right now!

Don't waggle it!

Have you got a boyfriend, Louise?

Has she got a boyfriend, Michelle?

She's seeing someone.

Oh, just as well, cos you cannae fucking hear them!

He's quite like Colin actually.

Is he? Yeah.

Oh. Except younger...

..taller.

Right, I'll go and help Beth with these drinks.

Honestly, what kind of person does the toilet in someone else's garden?

And at their house-warming party.

I'm honestly no' bothered, Beth, I've done a few up there myself.

What's going on?

I'm really sorry, Michelle.

Well, what is it? What's happening?

Well, tell her.

I...

He went for a piss up the back.

What?

I am so sorry, Michelle, I don't know what he was thinking.

I said he could, seeing as we're out here.

I really am sorry, Michelle.

Oh, no, it's fine, Beth.

No, it's not fine.

Eric, apologise to Michelle. Oh, God.

Eric!

Look, I'm...I'm sorry, Michelle.

If you get a rake or something, I'll pull a bit of the soil over it.

No! Look, it's OK, Eric.

It's more him that I'm annoyed with, to be honest.

What have I done?

Well, I've been saying to you all night to look after our guests

and I turn my back for one minute

and you're telling them to take a piss up the back of the garden!

Oh, what's the big deal? I've pee'd down there mysel.

I was saying it's those wee beers, Michelle.

In fact, I'm gearing up for one mysel.

TAPPING ON DOOR

What is it?

Oh, no!

I had an accident, Michelle.

What happened?

I spilled my drink. It was an accident, Beth.

No, on your beautiful rug, Michelle.

What, is it? Oh, just get out of my way, Alan.

Honestly, Cathy! What? Don't blame me, I was only trying

to make conversation with bloody Louise there.

If you hadn't come, none of this would've happened.

Nah, no use.

What's on the other side, can you no' just turn it over?

It's ruined. It's totally ruined!

Here, I'll have a rub at it.

No point.

Whole night's just been...

You see, that's why I avoid having visitors in, Louise,

well, that, and the smell off the gerbils.

Oh, she's away again. No-one knows what you're saying, love.

Um, sorry, I'm still not getting it

but...but why don't you see if you understand this?!

You have come to a party

that you were not invited to

and you've...you've made everybody have to talk really slowly

and then you made me spill my drink on...on Michelle's cheap rug

so now it really is time that you went fucking home!

Do you think she understood?

Oh.

I think she did.

SHE SLURPS

# Come on over to my place

# Hey, girl, we're having a party

# We'll be swinging, dancing and singing

# Baby, come on over tonight

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# Come on over to my place

# Hey, you

# Hey, you, we're having a party

# We'll be swinging, dancing and singing

# Oh, baby, won't you come on over? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! #