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1
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This programme contains
some strong language.
2
00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:09,600
I wonder what's going on there.
Beth! Come here and see this.
3
00:00:09,600 --> 00:00:10,960
Oh, what's happened?
4
00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:12,080
I don't know.
5
00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:13,400
Don't let them see you.
6
00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:16,400
Don't want to look like the nosey
neighbours.
7
00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:20,040
Right, that's them going, will we go
down and see what's happening? Yes.
8
00:00:24,080 --> 00:00:25,720
Colin! What's going on?
9
00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:28,880
Everything all right?
10
00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:30,080
We've been broken into.
11
00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:31,320
Oh, no!
12
00:00:31,320 --> 00:00:33,120
Oh, you're joking. I know.
13
00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:34,440
Oh, you poor thing.
14
00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:36,120
Have they taken much?
15
00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:38,480
The usual. Laptops, jewellery,
16
00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:41,120
it's the sentimental stuff that
gets to you, though.
17
00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:42,280
I know.
18
00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:45,600
That big fake Rolex I got
in Thailand - just gone.
19
00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:47,400
It could have happened to any of us.
20
00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:51,400
Aye, well, not really, though,
Eric. I mean, they're not going to
21
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:55,000
target your place, you know, they
want stuff they can actually sell.
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00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:56,160
Uh.
23
00:00:56,160 --> 00:00:59,000
Just shows you though, eh, you can
have all the fancy alarms
24
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:02,280
and security cameras you like,
they're always going to find a way.
25
00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:03,440
How did they get in?
26
00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:05,080
I left the patio doors open.
27
00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:26,040
Hi, Cathy.
28
00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:28,800
Oh, Beth.
29
00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:32,120
Oh, Cathy, I'm so sorry.
30
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Oh, how are you feeling?
31
00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:36,720
I'm in shock, Beth. Oh!
32
00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:39,520
If it wasn't for my Botox, it would
really show.
33
00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:41,080
Have you lost much?
34
00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:42,920
Mainly expression
around my eyebrows.
35
00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:45,840
House stuff, Cath,
stuff out the house, she means.
36
00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:49,880
They said we've to make a list
but I'm finding it really difficult.
37
00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:51,120
Well, you're upset.
38
00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:55,720
And I can't find a fucking pen! Oh,
Beth, I'm devastated, I really am.
39
00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:57,200
Oh, come here, you.
40
00:01:57,200 --> 00:02:00,160
Look, the most important thing is
that you're both OK.
41
00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:01,880
Well, that's right,
you're right, Eric.
42
00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:03,800
I mean, I feel fine, actually.
43
00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:07,480
It was actually a good opportunity
to get a word with the police there.
44
00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:10,680
Right. Cos I said to them
about those jonnie bags
45
00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:12,920
we found lying at the foot
of the road - he said it was
46
00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:15,720
most likely as a result of someone
getting pumped in the back of a car.
47
00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:19,360
Well, well, look, let's just
focus on getting you back to normal,
shall we?
48
00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:24,320
Exactly. Yes, Eric, normal!
Life will carry on as normal.
49
00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:26,160
I refuse to be affected by this.
50
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:29,720
I refuse to live in fear
because of what's happened to us.
51
00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:30,800
That's good.
52
00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:32,280
DOORBELL RINGS
53
00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:33,320
I'll get it.
54
00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:42,200
What did the police say, then?
Oh, they were excellent.
55
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Really?
56
00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:45,880
Within two minutes, they could
tell me it was an opportunist,
57
00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:49,680
working alone, looking for
high-value items to sell for drugs.
58
00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:51,040
God, that's amazing.
59
00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:53,040
And what are the chances of them
catching him?
60
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,280
Practically nil.
61
00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:02,480
Oh, hi, Christine.
62
00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:03,680
Hello, Beth.
63
00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:06,360
Colin, I've just heard what
happened.
64
00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:08,840
I know. I mean, what can you say?
65
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,720
Oh, fucking scum!
66
00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:11,840
Christine!
67
00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:14,440
There was a bungalow on the other
side got done last month.
68
00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:16,040
I never heard about that. Oh, aye.
69
00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:19,400
Came in in the middle of
the night while they were
asleep in their beds.
70
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,040
That's why I always sleep with
all my jewellery on.
71
00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:23,440
Do you? Oh, aye -
72
00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:27,120
when I come down in the morning
for my breakfast, I'm like Mr T.
73
00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:29,520
Oh, dear.
74
00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:30,960
Did they take much?
75
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:34,360
The usual - laptops, money, iPad.
76
00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:35,720
Thank God it wasn't me -
77
00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:38,760
they would have been off with that
wee toastie machine of mine.
78
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,320
I mean, it sits there in full view.
79
00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:44,240
I-I still can't believe it.
80
00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:45,920
I think I'm still in shock.
81
00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:49,240
Hot sweet tea, Cathy,
that's what you want for shock.
82
00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:51,280
Do you want me to go
and make you a cup of tea, Cathy?
83
00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:52,320
No, thanks, Beth.
84
00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:54,480
I'd take one though, Beth.
85
00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:55,680
You're not in shock.
86
00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:58,360
No, but I was excited
when I saw the police car.
87
00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:00,440
I'll make you a tea, Christine,
88
00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:02,280
it'll be good to
take my mind off things.
89
00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:05,480
Oh, thanks, Cathy. God bless you.
90
00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:06,720
Three sugars.
91
00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:12,200
What a shame. I know,
she's taken it bad.
92
00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:13,320
She has, aye.
93
00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:17,480
Here, Beth, you go through
and see if she's got any biscuits.
94
00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:18,800
CATHY SCREAMS
95
00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:24,200
What is it? They've been
in the drawer.
96
00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:26,120
They've been in the cutlery drawer.
97
00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:27,160
How do you know?
98
00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:29,680
I had Valiums in there beside the
teaspoons and they've gone.
99
00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:31,440
Are you sure? Yes.
100
00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:33,560
I keep some in there,
some in the living room,
101
00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:35,520
some in the bathroom,
some in the hall cupboard,
102
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:38,200
some in the vase on the landing
and the rest in the car.
103
00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:41,800
Just to help me reverse park.
104
00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:44,280
Come on, we'll go back through
to the living room and sit down.
105
00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:46,360
No, Colin, I can't be in this house!
106
00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:50,040
I mean, the thought of them
being in here is making me - oh!
107
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:52,920
Come on, calm...
108
00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:55,440
I don't think we should stay
here either, Beth?
109
00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:56,600
Why not?
110
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:59,520
Well, if we're not
getting a tea, there's no point.
111
00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:00,640
Come on!
112
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:11,680
Do you know that, if you get
caught thieving in Saudi Arabia,
113
00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:13,720
you get your hands cut off?
114
00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:16,720
Can you imagine that, Eric?
Aye, I know.
115
00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:21,240
That'd certainly put them
off burgling and what have you.
116
00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:27,640
Mind you, stumps - no fingers -
no fingerprints,
117
00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:30,640
might just make the whole thing
a lot easier for them.
118
00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:36,200
How you feeling, Cathy?
119
00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:40,000
A bit better, I think
that brandy's helped a bit.
120
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:41,080
That's good.
121
00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:42,920
As I say, it's helped a bit.
122
00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:46,040
Would you like another one?
123
00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:48,440
Well, if you think I should.
124
00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:52,160
I'll maybe take a wee one as well,
Beth.
125
00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:56,840
The last thing Cathy's needing on
top of all of this is to be drinking
alone.
126
00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:00,560
Colin? No, no.
127
00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:02,840
Och, aye.
128
00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:08,760
Crime in this country is
out of control.
129
00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:12,280
Nobody's got any
respect for each other nowadays.
130
00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:16,600
As I said before, fucking scum.
131
00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:19,560
I would never stoop to stealing.
132
00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:22,400
Nor me, Cathy,
no matter how bad things got.
133
00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:24,800
Yeah,
you've got to keep your dignity.
134
00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:27,400
I've always said,
if it ever came to it,
135
00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:31,160
I would be a drug
dealer before I would be a thief.
136
00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:34,440
Quite right. I would not get
nutted myself, though.
137
00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:36,160
Or sell outside schools.
138
00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:38,640
During term time.
139
00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:42,000
I tell you what, they were lucky
we were away cos, see,
140
00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:43,480
if I'd got my hands on them...
141
00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:47,080
Mmm, aye, I can just see
the headlines in the paper now -
142
00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:49,200
Man Bores Burglars To Death.
143
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:54,720
Beth, you've not got a wee
biscuit on the go, have you?
144
00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:57,840
It's worse if you're
living on your own - I mean,
145
00:06:57,840 --> 00:07:00,280
that just doesnae bear
thinking about.
146
00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:02,440
Pat keeps a knife under her bed.
147
00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:03,600
In case she's broken into?
148
00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:06,920
It's really for buttering crackers
but it could double up.
149
00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:10,280
If we were in America,
we could have guns! She's right.
150
00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:13,160
They're ten a penny there.
They sell them in supermarkets.
151
00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:14,200
Do they?
152
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:17,440
Jesus, can you imagine?
I just popped in for a pint of milk
153
00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:20,280
and ended up buying
a Kalashnikov as well.
154
00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:24,000
What's wrong with that?!
Oh, no, no, no.
155
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:26,840
What, people having
guns inside their own houses?
156
00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:28,800
No,
that's a recipe for disaster, that!
157
00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:32,560
He's right. I mean, I cannae keep
track of my remote control,
158
00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:33,960
never mind a fucking pistol.
159
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:37,120
You'd have to use it responsibly,
Eric.
160
00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:40,960
It would only be if someone
attacked me that I would shoot them.
161
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:43,400
Or if they attacked Colin.
162
00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:47,480
Or if they didn't attack either
of us but were just being a cow -
163
00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:50,000
you know, just a little warning
shot at their feet.
164
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,280
Ch, ch - BANG!
165
00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:54,000
Hiya Mum!
166
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,040
Hi, boys.
167
00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:57,040
Hello, Mrs Baird, how are you?
168
00:07:57,040 --> 00:07:58,160
Don't ask.
169
00:07:58,160 --> 00:07:59,280
What's going on?
170
00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:01,360
Cathy and Colin have been
broken into.
171
00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:03,040
Oh, no, what a shame.
172
00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:04,600
Are they OK? Fine.
173
00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:06,960
Well, Cathy's a bit down about it,
to be honest.
174
00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:13,160
Bang-bang! Bang, bang, bang, ba...
175
00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:15,840
Oh, hi, Gordon. Hi.
176
00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:17,760
Hello, boys. Hiya.
177
00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:20,880
I'm so sorry to hear about what
happened, are you OK?
178
00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:21,920
I'm in shock.
179
00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:29,680
Oh, thanks, Gordon. I feel safe
with you, honey.
180
00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:30,760
What happened?
181
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,160
We were at the time-share -
182
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:34,840
we have two weeks high season
anywhere in Europe.
183
00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:36,640
It's the Platinum Plan, Gordon.
184
00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:39,880
I came through the door, put the
cases down. Samsonite, honey.
185
00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:42,080
Went through the hall,
into the living room and that's
186
00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:44,640
when I knew something was up. Aye?
187
00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:47,720
The place was a mess, Ian.
188
00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:51,400
Not like in here, where it just
needs a good tidy. I mean, a mess.
189
00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:53,600
There was stuff all emptied
out the drawers,
190
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:55,400
a DVD player pulled out the wall.
191
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:57,680
Important medicine
removed from its hiding place!
192
00:08:57,680 --> 00:08:59,000
What an absolute nightmare.
193
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:02,400
Thank you, Gordon,
that means a lot, honey.
194
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,080
Let me give you just a small kiss.
195
00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:11,160
Have they got any idea who did it?
196
00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:12,480
I'll tell you who did it...
197
00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:17,120
All right, Christine, we know who
did it. Fucking scum, thank you.
198
00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:19,040
The police have been, but, eh,
199
00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:21,560
they don't think there's much
hope of catching them. Pf!
200
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:25,040
They're only interested in sitting
in the comfort of their cars,
201
00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:29,440
with the speed gun in one hand
and a bacon roll in the other.
202
00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:31,040
Did anyone ever watch The Bill?
203
00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:36,640
So what have you two been up to?
204
00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:38,920
We've been in town getting suits.
Suits?
205
00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:40,520
It's Morven and Lynn's wedding.
206
00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:42,760
Is that the lesbians? Mm-hm.
207
00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:44,840
Oh, that's lovely.
208
00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:47,320
I'm all in favour of the equal
rights.
209
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,400
I'm going to a wedding myself.
Are you?
210
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:53,480
Aye, but a proper one, though. See,
the trouble I'm having, trying
211
00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:57,640
to find something for round my neck
to go with that dress I've got.
212
00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,480
I'm sure I could find you something.
213
00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:04,280
Would you like to get married,
Gordon, if they keep allowing it?
214
00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:07,240
Erm... So are we getting
a look at them?
215
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:08,600
Oh, no. Go on!
216
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:10,520
No, I've got a photo on my phone
I can show you.
217
00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:14,000
Don't be so lazy and nasty, Ian,
go and get them!
218
00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:21,280
Gordon,
if you had the choice between prison
219
00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:24,120
and getting your hand cut off,
what would you take?
220
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:33,920
Colin's got a lovely Hugo Boss one,
Gordon.
221
00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:37,280
It's midnight navy with purple
lining. It's really classy, in't it?
222
00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:40,080
Oh, yeah. Every time he wears it,
I just want to shag him.
223
00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:43,440
Oh! Woo!
224
00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:45,240
Right, let's get a look at them.
225
00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:47,880
Oh, I like a man in a suit!
226
00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:50,560
Makes them look distinguished.
227
00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:51,960
Well, not Eric.
228
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:55,320
He just looks like a probation
officer.
229
00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:57,280
Oh, yes. Very smart.
230
00:10:57,280 --> 00:11:01,480
See, that'll do you for funerals,
too, as well as gay weddings.
231
00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:02,520
Try them on!
232
00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:03,680
Oh, not just now, Cathy.
233
00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:07,360
Come on, those off and that on!
234
00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:10,360
It's a bit like being on that
Gok Wan show, in't it?
235
00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:12,480
Oh, I love him!
236
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:14,280
Beth - Gok Wan, eh?
237
00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:16,640
Yeah, I don't mind him.
Who's Gok Wan?
238
00:11:16,640 --> 00:11:21,040
Och, you know, with the big specs
and the teeth. He does that
programme
239
00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:23,800
where he gets folk to strip naked
and then they burst into tears.
240
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:25,080
Dear God!
241
00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:29,200
He's no oil painting himself
so he's ideal for it.
242
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:31,640
Oh! Put the trousers on!
243
00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:33,120
Nah! Not you.
244
00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:34,760
Gordon, put the trousers on.
245
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:36,840
Come on, slip your jeans off. No.
246
00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:40,040
Jeans off! Jeans off! Jeans off!
247
00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:42,920
No, honestly, they're a bit long,
anyway, the trousers.
248
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:45,800
Are they?
Did you buy long trousers, Gordon?
249
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:46,880
I can get them taken up.
250
00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:48,760
Oh, don't be daft,
I can do that for you.
251
00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:50,000
You don't need to, Mrs Baird.
252
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:53,600
Oh, it's fine. If you're putting
them on, I'll just pin them up,
get it done.
253
00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:56,400
There you go - your own
personal seamstress.
254
00:11:56,400 --> 00:12:00,920
Here, Beth - I've got a pair of
cords that are needing let out.
255
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:03,720
They're fine before I've
had a meal, Gordon,
256
00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:06,880
but, see, once I've eaten,
they just cut me in half.
257
00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:09,720
Right, let's get you out of these,
mister.
258
00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:17,080
You're not shy, are you?
Oh, his legs are lovely and smooth.
259
00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:22,560
Colin's are hairy, but he does
clipper all around his ball area.
260
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:26,440
It's an electric razor I use,
Eric, it's...
261
00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:29,480
..it's... Well, it's actually quite
a pleasant sensation.
262
00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:35,080
Oh, they are lovely,
aren't they, Col?
263
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:36,840
They don't look that long.
264
00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:38,360
What shoes are you wearing, Gordon?
265
00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:39,400
Brogues.
266
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:40,960
Oh, I hate lacing shoes.
267
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:42,440
Half an inch off, Ian?
268
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:45,760
Eh, eh! Cathy,
can you get out the way, please?
269
00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:48,640
Can I measure him, Beth?
Eh - you don't need to do that.
270
00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:52,960
She's just trying to help,
she enjoys helping men.
271
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:55,320
Doesn't he look lovely, Eric?
272
00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:56,360
Oh, thanks.
273
00:12:57,760 --> 00:12:59,200
Are you feeling a bit better now?
274
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:00,960
I am, thank you, honey.
275
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:03,320
It's good to have something to
take my mind off things.
276
00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:06,520
Aye, you'll be fine. Once you get
the place tidied up and made
277
00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:09,720
to feel more like home again,
you'll forget it ever happened.
278
00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:12,040
It is quite traumatic,
when you think about it.
279
00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:14,760
Someone coming into your home
when you're not there.
280
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:18,320
I mean, if it was me, there's no
way I'd be able to go back
and sleep there.
281
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:43,600
That's lovely, Eric, thank you.
282
00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:46,640
Cathy? I don't think
I could, Eric.
283
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:47,840
Actually, I can.
284
00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:56,720
Oh! I enjoy a brandy.
285
00:13:58,160 --> 00:13:59,560
I like whisky, too.
286
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:04,320
It's the clear spirits that
you've got to watch.
287
00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:05,840
You drink vodka, though.
288
00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:09,000
Aye, but only if it's mixed with
orange, though.
289
00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:11,520
All right? Aye, aye.
290
00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:13,120
Did you bring me a towel?
291
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,520
I don't like Beth's wee thin ones.
292
00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:16,600
I brought you a towel.
293
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,080
And socks - did you bring socks?
294
00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:20,200
I don't like her cheap
carpet on my bare feet.
295
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:21,360
I brought socks.
296
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:27,600
What's the matter?
Everything all right, Colin?
297
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:30,880
Well, there's been
a bit of a development.
298
00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:32,760
What kind of a development?
299
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:35,280
What is it?
300
00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:38,720
Well, obviously, we know what
they've taken from the house.
301
00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:40,880
But they've left some stuff as well.
302
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:44,200
What? Well, there's some stuff
that they've left behind.
303
00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:45,760
What?
304
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,080
It's like a wee deposit.
305
00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:50,160
They've not shat in your Jacuzzi,
have they? No.
306
00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:52,080
What is it, Col?! Tell me!
307
00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:56,960
They've performed a sexual act.
308
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,680
What? Eugh!
309
00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:00,280
What kind of sexual act?
310
00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:03,240
They have pleasured themselves.
311
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:10,160
Oh! Oh, no! Where?
Where have they done that?
312
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:12,840
In the bedroom. Oh, no!
313
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:16,200
It's all right, Cathy -
you can turn your mattress.
314
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:18,640
No, it wasn't on the bed.
315
00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:22,440
Where was it? Tell me.
316
00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:24,680
It was in your pant drawer.
317
00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:27,680
Oh, no, I don't believe it.
318
00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:29,160
Oh, no.
319
00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:30,760
Oh, dear God.
320
00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:32,080
Oh, yuck.
321
00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:33,480
That is so gross.
322
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,360
I mean, how would you even...?
323
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:37,680
You just trousers down,
up on the tiptoes...
324
00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:38,800
All right, Colin!
325
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:41,960
I want everything out
of that house now! Eh?
326
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:46,040
Every single pair of pants out
of that drawer and into the bin!
327
00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:48,560
Cathy, no - that's a bit drastic.
328
00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:51,960
There is spunk all over my pants!
329
00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:53,400
What do you expect me to do?
330
00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:56,840
Well, a boil wash
and a wee bit of Vanish, no?
331
00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:58,120
Oh, come here, you.
332
00:15:58,120 --> 00:16:01,160
No, get off me!
Can you not just leave me alone?
333
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:05,200
In fact, I want every single
bit of clothing out of that house
and in the bin!
334
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:06,400
Cathy, no!
335
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,160
Come on, Cath!
There's no need for that.
336
00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:09,200
Now!
337
00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:15,640
OK, shall we make a start?
338
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:18,360
It's a bit over the score,
is it not? Well...
339
00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:20,280
I mean, she definitely wants
everything out?
340
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:21,440
You know what Cath's like.
341
00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:24,320
Well, I mean, I could see the point
if he'd been in other places,
342
00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:26,800
but the fact that it was
only in that one drawer...
343
00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:29,640
You don't think...?
344
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:31,000
We'd better check and see.
345
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:49,760
Oh, God.
346
00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:04,960
How is she?
347
00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:07,480
I've run her a bath
348
00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:10,480
and given her half a
bottle of white to keep her going.
349
00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:12,000
That's good.
350
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:13,880
It's terrible, isn't it?
351
00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:15,840
Aye, aye.
352
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,760
Did I ever tell you about
the time that Pat saw a man
353
00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:24,640
masturbating into a bin in
a railway station? No.
354
00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:28,640
It was in Kilmarnock. She was on her
way to see a swimming gala.
355
00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:32,160
Christine! Can we just
talk about something else?
356
00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:34,040
Of course, Beth, of course.
357
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:45,040
She also saw a woman stealing
a roll of sellotape. Same trip!
358
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:49,840
Gordon,
you're still sitting in your pants!
359
00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:51,640
Oh, I don't mind.
360
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:53,920
Let's get these trousers sorted.
361
00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:06,280
You all right, Cathy?
362
00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:07,320
Yes, thanks.
363
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:11,360
It's the first time I've ever
had a bath here.
364
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:13,720
Right. It's so tiny.
365
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:17,720
You feeling better? I am, thank you.
366
00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:19,880
Oh, Beth.
367
00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:25,600
Honestly, I don't know what I'd
do without you.
368
00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:31,360
You, and your little bath
and your cheap dressing gown.
369
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:34,280
You are a godsend, missus.
370
00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:37,240
FRONT DOOR OPENS
371
00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:49,680
I had a bath.
372
00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:51,120
To relax myself.
373
00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:53,000
You had a bath here?
374
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,160
Yes. In that wee...? Yes!
375
00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:57,760
Cathy, are you sure you want
to chuck all this?
376
00:18:57,760 --> 00:19:00,440
It does seem a terrible waste.
377
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:02,600
The thought of having
any of it near me...
378
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,160
It's not been touched, Cathy.
379
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:07,200
We have searched the entire place,
haven't we, Eric? Aye.
380
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:10,040
And it's honestly only that one
drawer he's had a go at.
381
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:11,120
Oh!
382
00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:12,960
I think it's probably been
an impulse thing.
383
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:17,160
You know, just when he's opened it
and seen the pants,
it's obviously just...
384
00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:21,320
Why don't we throw all the pants out
and just wash everything else?
385
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:24,280
I'm not washing 20 bags
of clothes, Colin!
386
00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:26,520
Aye, but you canny just chuck away
all your clothes.
387
00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:28,760
We could go to a laundrette.
A laundrette?
388
00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:31,880
A service wash -
you pay someone to do it all for you
389
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:33,520
so you don't have to do it
all yourself.
390
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:37,320
I've already had one stranger
rummaging through my stuff,
thank you!
391
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:41,600
Well...well, what about if
it's not a stranger?
392
00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:42,760
What do you mean?
393
00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:45,880
Well, we could get someone
we know to do it.
394
00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:48,960
You know, somebody you trust.
395
00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:53,920
Somebody who you've seen
hanging out the washing
396
00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:56,720
and would never say
no to you at a time like this.
397
00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:06,760
Everything on a 60, please, Beth.
398
00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:09,720
And none of the own-brand
fabric conditioner.
399
00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:12,040
I don't want to
smell like the inside of a taxi!
400
00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:24,120
How you feeling now, Cathy?
401
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:27,640
Much better, thank you, Christine.
402
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:31,200
I always find that a good soak
calms me down as well.
403
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:32,720
Mm.
404
00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:36,040
Good for softening up your toenails
if they're due a clip, too.
405
00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:40,120
I actually prefer a bath to
a shower.
406
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:44,240
And I'd never
wash my hair in a bath.
407
00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:49,000
Water that you've used to
wash your undercarriage then being
408
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:50,760
used for over your head!
409
00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:53,920
Oh, no! No, no, that's a no-no,
Cath.
410
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:57,960
Right, let's take a look at these.
411
00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:00,480
I want everything double
double-checked
412
00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:03,920
and, if there's any sign of
anything, it goes in the bin!
413
00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:05,240
That's fair enough.
414
00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:09,120
Oh, there's your Puffa there, Cathy.
415
00:21:09,120 --> 00:21:10,200
Oh, that's nice.
416
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:11,800
I hope they haven't cum on that.
417
00:21:13,120 --> 00:21:14,160
Seems all right.
418
00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:17,160
Beth? Puffa jacket coming through.
419
00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:19,080
Oh, do not tumble-dry it!
420
00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:21,560
What's in this one?
421
00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:26,160
Oh! What is it?
422
00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:27,720
It's your, er, bras.
423
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:30,800
They've got a drawer to themselves.
424
00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:33,200
We'd better check them. Oh, yes!
425
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:34,520
It's frilly stuff, in't it?
426
00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:39,600
Mm-hm. That is just the kind of
thing that would get his tail right
up in the air.
427
00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:41,560
Right, Ian, tip them out.
428
00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:42,680
Oh, God!
429
00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:45,160
Ian.
430
00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:52,280
Eric, get your big middle light on
so we can see what we've got here.
431
00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:02,600
Oh!
432
00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:06,520
Nah, it's just a bit of fluff. Oh!
433
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:12,320
Here. Cathy, do you want these gel
things taken out before you
434
00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:13,360
put them in the machine?
435
00:22:13,360 --> 00:22:14,920
Beth can sort all that.
436
00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:20,560
That purple one's my favourite,
Ian - I always wear that
437
00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:21,960
if we're staying in a hotel.
438
00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:27,800
Christ, how many bras does she need?
439
00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:31,360
I've only got my good
Marks & Spencer one for going out
440
00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:33,680
and my old Cross Your Heart
for round the house.
441
00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:36,720
PHONE RINGS
442
00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:39,960
Hi, Pat. I'm in at Beth's.
443
00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:42,120
Oh, shitstorm!
444
00:22:42,120 --> 00:22:44,600
Well, Gordon's trousers are too long
445
00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:48,480
and somebody's shot their load
into Cathy's knicker drawer.
446
00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:49,720
Unbelievable, Pat...
447
00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:53,280
I thought, when that phone went,
it might have been the police
ringing you.
448
00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:56,840
That's a point, actually - you've
not told them about this, have you?
449
00:22:56,840 --> 00:23:00,560
Eh? They know about the break-in,
but they don't know about him going
in the drawers.
450
00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:03,920
Honest to God, Pat, I've been in
and out Accessorise like a whore
451
00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:06,560
at a truckstop, and I still cannae
find anything to go with it.
452
00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:10,240
Well, they did say just to ring
if there was anything else.
453
00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:13,560
Well, go and tell them, Colin!
454
00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:16,280
Ah, right, Pat. OK, then.
Over and out.
455
00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:23,440
I think the moths might have
been at this one, Cathy.
456
00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:25,760
Is there spunk on it or not?
457
00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:29,720
Hello, it's Colin Whyte here.
You were out seeing us
458
00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:31,840
earlier in Latimer Crescent.
459
00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:34,520
Aye, that's right,
we were broken into.
460
00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:38,800
No, she...she's calmed down a bit.
She...she's had a bath.
461
00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:42,160
Erm, what it is is that
462
00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:45,440
whoever's done the break-in has
also done something else.
463
00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:48,360
Something a bit dirty.
464
00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:51,560
No, no, it's not a shite.
465
00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:56,040
They've, well - how can
I put this? -
466
00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:59,240
they've wanked onto my wife's pants.
467
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:05,680
Oh, here she is!
It's like sale week at Oxfam here,
468
00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:08,280
and you're farting about in
that kitchen.
469
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:11,800
Excuse me, Christine, it's
a Chinese laundry in there!
470
00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:15,880
Beth, plenty of those little
sheets in with the tumble-dryer,
471
00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:18,880
please,
so nothing smells of your house.
472
00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:22,480
Oh, Gordon, I forgot your trousers!
473
00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:24,760
Oh, it's fine,
don't you worry about that!
474
00:24:24,760 --> 00:24:27,000
I was just going to stick my jeans
back on, if that's OK.
475
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:28,520
No! Eh?
476
00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:29,720
Stay in bare legs!
477
00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:33,240
You stay in bare legs
until your trousers are ready!
478
00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:34,600
What's this stuff here, Cathy?
479
00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:36,640
Uh! Let me see.
480
00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:39,480
Och, it's just bags and belts.
It'll be fine, Cathy.
481
00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:41,080
Oh, God!
482
00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:47,960
Oh, oh, I remember this.
483
00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:50,080
Oh, I've not worn that for ages.
484
00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:53,200
I bought that in Crete, Gordon.
485
00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:55,000
Oh, I love Greece, me.
486
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:56,680
No, CRETE, Gordon!
487
00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:00,480
Let's have a wee look at it, Cathy.
488
00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:01,680
That's lovely.
489
00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:04,680
Yeah, that's nice in't it, Beth?
490
00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:07,600
Yeah, very nice.
491
00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:10,480
Oh, that suits you, Christine.
Do you think?
492
00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:14,720
Mm-hm. It's just a wee cheap thing
from a little guy in the market.
493
00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:18,160
I think that would go with that
dress I've got for this wedding.
494
00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:19,360
What do you think, Beth?
495
00:25:19,360 --> 00:25:21,040
Er, yeah. Very nice.
496
00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:24,360
Have it. Eh?
497
00:25:24,360 --> 00:25:26,600
Take it. Are you sure?
498
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:30,600
In fact, there's a bag to go
with it as well.
499
00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:31,840
Are you sure, Cathy?
500
00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:33,080
Take them both.
501
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:36,080
Christine,
I would like you to have them.
502
00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:38,920
Thanks very much.
503
00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:41,040
Oh, give the inside of that a wipe,
though.
504
00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:44,200
I'm sure I brought half a kebab home
in it the last time I used it.
505
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:47,480
So, what did they say?
506
00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:50,040
Well, he's taken all the details,
507
00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:52,640
and I've given him
as much information as I could.
508
00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:53,680
Is that it?
509
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:56,120
Well...
510
00:25:56,120 --> 00:25:57,800
..there was one other thing.
511
00:25:57,800 --> 00:25:59,120
What was that?
512
00:25:59,120 --> 00:26:02,960
He said, obviously, it could be
a random attacker who just
513
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:05,000
seized the opportunity to have a...
514
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:06,440
All right, Colin!
515
00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:10,520
However,
very often, in cases such as this,
516
00:26:10,520 --> 00:26:13,760
it can actually be someone
you know that's done it. Eh?
517
00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:16,240
That's what he said.
Och, that's ridiculous!
518
00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:18,320
Well, he's asked me
to make a list of anybody
519
00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:21,840
that we know that had
knowledge of our whereabouts,
520
00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:24,920
would have known that we
were away and the place was empty.
521
00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:28,240
Who's familiar with where stuff
is in the house.
522
00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:32,000
Anyone who might be
a bit of an oddball,
523
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:35,080
or seems as though they could
potentially have
524
00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:37,800
a sexually...deviant streak.
525
00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:45,960
What?
526
00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:51,720
DOG BARKS
527
00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:07,280
You all right, Cathy? Oh, I'm fine.
I've just got some Bacardi...
528
00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:08,400
Shh!
529
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:10,640
..in a mug for during the night.
530
00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:13,200
Shh! Right, anything else you need?
531
00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:14,920
No, I'm fine, I'm fine.
532
00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:16,720
Colin's going to pop round...
Shh, Shh!
533
00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:18,240
..with my dressing gown.
534
00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:22,160
OK? This one's OK,
but I just don't like it.
535
00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:25,520
Right. Well, goodnight, Cath.
536
00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:26,560
Night-night.
537
00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:31,520
Oh, Beth. I'm
sorry for accusing Eric of...
538
00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:32,720
Don't worry about it.
539
00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:35,840
I know he'd never do anything
like it. Honestly...
540
00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:38,160
I know he's not tall
enough to reach,
541
00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:39,640
so there's no way
he could get his...
542
00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:42,480
Let's just try and forget about it,
OK?
543
00:27:53,600 --> 00:27:54,720
Oh, f...!
544
00:27:54,720 --> 00:27:57,200
# Well, come on, baby
Cos I wanna do
545
00:27:57,200 --> 00:28:00,080
# That washing machine boogie
with you
546
00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:02,280
# Hear that washer
slapping 'em clean
547
00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:04,960
# I love the sound
of your washing machine
548
00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:07,400
# Slip-slap, slap-sloo
549
00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:08,920
# Come on, honey, and I wanna do
550
00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:11,960
# The washing machine boogie
with you
551
00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:16,680
# Slip-slap, slap-sloo
552
00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:19,080
# Come on, honey, and I wanna do
553
00:28:19,080 --> 00:28:21,520
# The washing machine boogie
with you. #
67651
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