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00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:04,800
There she is!
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00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:06,880
Eric, it's huge.
3
00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:09,960
Well, what we don't eat tonight
we can keep and eat tomorrow.
4
00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:12,800
Huh! YOU can eat tomorrow -
one night a year eating
5
00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:16,160
the insides of a sheep's quite
enough for me, thank you very much.
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00:00:16,160 --> 00:00:18,360
National dish of Scotland, that is.
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00:00:18,360 --> 00:00:21,640
You say to anybody in the world,
"Name something Scottish,"
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00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:23,800
and they'll say?
The Proclaimers.
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00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:25,320
No. Heart disease. No!
10
00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:27,960
Knife crime, heroin, Greggs...
No!
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00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:30,120
They'll say, "haggis"!
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00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:41,120
This programme contains
some strong language
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RADIO PLAYS "MAGGIE MAY"
BY ROD STEWART
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00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:52,800
Hi! Hi, Beth.
Happy Burns Day!
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00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:55,320
It's no' Burns DAY, Cathy,
it's Burns NIGHT.
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00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:56,840
Oh, who gives a fuck?
17
00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:59,680
So, you been out doing
a bit of the old haggis hunting,
have you, missus?
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00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:01,960
Oh, yes.
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00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:04,760
Here, listen, some tourists
do actually believe that
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a haggis is a real wee animal.
ERIC LAUGHS
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00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:09,600
CATHY LAUGHS WEAKLY
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00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:11,360
DOORBELL CHIMES
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00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:12,840
Sit yourselves down.
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00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:16,840
Ah, yes!
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00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:18,720
Christine! Hello, Beth.
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00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:21,240
Everything all right?
The least said the better.
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00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:27,120
LAUGHTER
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00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:28,840
Oh, hi, Christine.
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00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:31,120
Hullo. Sit down.
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00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:37,160
So, eh, how you doing, Christine,
all right?
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00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:39,520
CHRISTINE SIGHS
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00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:39,520
I'm OK, Eric.
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00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:41,720
I'm...OK.
34
00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:44,240
Beth was saying you've been
away down seeing Sophie.
35
00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:47,880
That's right.
Oh, big Sophie, how is she?
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00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:52,560
She is living in council
accommodation with a man who
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00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:56,160
comes down the stairs
in the morning in his underpants
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00:01:56,160 --> 00:02:00,800
and bare feet and watches cartoons
with his headphones in.
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00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:03,600
Where is it she's moved to again?
North Wales.
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00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:06,000
Boy, oh, boy, some journey that, eh?
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00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:10,880
Oh, you're tellin' me - seven hours
I've been on that Stagecoach.
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00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:14,400
Oh, my arse was numb -
I still cannae feel my right cheek.
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00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:16,120
Well, look, let's get you a drink.
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00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:20,600
Oh, and how's the baby,
Christine, how's wee...baby...?
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00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:22,800
Madison. That's it! Madison.
46
00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:25,680
Col - I told you
she was called after our bedroom
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00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:28,280
furniture from that brochure.
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00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:31,480
She's a wee angel, so she is.
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00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:34,280
ALL: Awww...
50
00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:38,520
She's quite heavy-set round the chin
and she's got the reflux as well,
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00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:42,480
so, no sooner has she got the bottle
doon her than she's spewing it
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00:02:42,480 --> 00:02:45,520
back up on top of you but
apart fae that... Aw, bless her.
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00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:49,360
Honest to God, Eric, she is the only
thing that kept me going.
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00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:53,280
Well, that
and the big bar of Galaxy that
55
00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:55,520
I got for a pound
at the service station.
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00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:57,520
OK - who's for a wee dram?
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00:02:57,520 --> 00:03:00,360
A wee whisky, well, it would be
rude not to on Burns Night.
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00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:02,560
I'm not a big fan of whisky.
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00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:06,480
Oh, what would you like then? Just
a large one with some Diet Coke.
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00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:09,840
I cannae really take
spirits on an empty stomach, Beth.
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00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:13,200
Would you like a... Aye,
a wee packet of crisps to
go along with it, aye.
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00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:16,000
So what's the drill tonight, then,
Beth?
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00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:19,000
Well, there's haggis, neeps and
tatties and shortbread for afters.
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00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:21,240
Whit, naebody doing a poem
or a song?
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00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:25,000
Woo-hoo! Sing-song - Colin
is a brilliant singer -
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00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:26,920
he knows the words to stuff.
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00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:28,760
Aye,
but I don't know any Burns songs.
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00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:31,000
Yeah, but we won't be doing
any of that shit.
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00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:32,440
Right, here we are.
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00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:35,000
Walkers prawn cocktail,
if you've got them, Beth.
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00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:40,120
We have got a really, really
expensive bottle of whisky
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00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:43,480
that we bought at a distillery
up near our time-share,
haven't we, Col?
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00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:46,080
We have, aye. That sounds lovely.
How old is it?
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00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:49,720
It's about two weeks
ago now, that we bought it, Eric?
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00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,120
OK, shall we have a wee toast?
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00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:54,760
Aye, that's a good idea!
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00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:59,000
Woo-oo-oo-f!
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00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:02,440
THAT is actually not bad.
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00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:04,720
DOORBELL CHIMES
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00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:08,000
Cheers!
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00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:11,040
Happy Burns Night, Mrs Baird!
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00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:13,600
Hiya, Mum!
Oh, I like that!
83
00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:16,200
Oh, thank you!! I wanted to wear
a kilt but he wouldn't let me.
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00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:17,320
Aw, why not?
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00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:20,880
Naw, there's no need for a kilt,
you're not even Scottish!
86
00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:23,440
I said I was happy not to
wear pants under it.
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00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:25,960
Come in, come in. Actually,
could I just use your loo?
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00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:30,120
If I had worn a kilt I'd be able
to walk straight in there and
just go for it, wouldn't I?
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00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:32,280
IAN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
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00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:34,320
LAUGHTER
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00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:37,560
Hey! Hey! It's Ian.
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00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:40,160
Hi, Ian. All right, Christine -
I thought you were away...
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00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:42,120
It's all right, Beth.
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00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:48,040
I was, Ian, but let's just
say I came back slightly
earlier than expected.
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00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:51,360
Right.
We'll draw a line under it.
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00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:53,320
OK.
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00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:56,960
Do you know they had me
sleeping with a cushion
off the couch for a pillow?
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00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:01,080
Hello, hello, hello! Hey!
Oh, it's Gordon!
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00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:04,120
There he is, gay Gordon.
100
00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:06,000
Gay Gordon, Colin!
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00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,240
Are you going to do us a dance,
Gordon? Dance! Dance!
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00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:10,440
# Deedle, ee, dee, deedle... #
Cathy!
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00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:13,200
Yee-ee-ee-ha!
CATHY!
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00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:16,600
Hullo, Gordon.
Hello again, Christine.
How are you?
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00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,640
I've been in Wales.
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00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:22,600
You've had your toilet done up,
I see, Mrs Baird?
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00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:26,320
Yeah, yeah. Well, new wallpaper
and a lick of paint.
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00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:27,600
What's this, Beth?
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00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:30,400
Oh - have you been doing
things in your wee toilet
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00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:33,200
and not telling anyone?
The difference is incredible!
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00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:34,800
What is it?
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00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:37,480
ERIC: Oh, we redecorated
the wee downstairs loo.
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00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:40,280
Aw, Beth - I liked your toilet.
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00:05:40,280 --> 00:05:43,480
Well, it did need a bit of a
freshen up, didn't it, Eric?
115
00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:44,760
Oh, it did, aye.
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00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:48,400
COLIN: I can't think what it was
like - I've been in your upstairs
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00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:50,080
one, at least I think I have.
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00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:52,760
You have, Colin,
remember you were sick in it once
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00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:55,480
when Beth did the cottage pie
with the cheap mince.
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00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:56,920
So I was!
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00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:59,320
Ah, let's get a look at it then.
What?
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00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:02,320
Well, I'm needing SOMETHING
to cheer me up. I don't think...
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00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:06,520
Beth, come on, don't be shy,
show us your loo.
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00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:09,320
DOOR CREAKS
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00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:11,200
Oh, that's lovely, Beth.
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00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:13,280
Oh, yes, I like it, Beth.
127
00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:15,720
I can see myself in here
quite happy.
128
00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:18,280
Cheap toilet roll, Col.
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00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:20,360
So, what did you say
you'd had done to it?
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00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:22,920
Well, new wallpaper,
new light shade.
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00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:25,400
Painted the pipe chase,
it was really...
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00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:28,280
It needed painting.
Put down a new carpet as well.
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00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:31,520
Oh very nice, very nice, who did it?
Eric did.
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00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:34,360
Ah, you should have said, Eric -
I'd have come and given you a hand.
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00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:37,800
Colin's brilliant at DIY -
he's got two paint brushes
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00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:39,320
and I'm going to buy him an axe.
137
00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:41,560
He did very well,
he's done a great job.
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00:06:41,560 --> 00:06:44,280
That wallpaper's
running off at an angle there.
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00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:47,720
What? And your skirting board
could do with another coat.
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00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:50,280
Same silly wee sink, I see as well.
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00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:53,320
OK.
Everyone seen everything they want?
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00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:55,800
New wallpaper, fresh paint,
same silly wee sink,
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00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:57,760
oh, but we did get
a new toilet roll holder.
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00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:00,720
New toilet roll holder? Yes.
How come...
145
00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:04,640
Eric pulled it off the wall.
Right, everyone back through please.
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00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:07,000
Lovely...
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00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:16,680
So, is this your first time at
a Burns Supper then, is it, Gordon?
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00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:19,360
Yeah. I think that deserves a kiss.
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00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:25,040
You've never been to
a Burns Supper, Gordon?
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00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:26,520
Nope.
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00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:28,520
Aw, you don't
know what you're missing.
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00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:31,000
Aw, you'll love it -
you'll absolutely love it.
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00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:34,800
I'm really enjoying it so far.
You enjoy yourself, Gordon.
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00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:37,840
You deserve to enjoy yourself
and to be happy.
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00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:39,880
Forever.
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00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:42,080
Him too.
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00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:44,800
Wait till later,
wait 'til it gets going -
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00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:47,320
because there's nothing
like a Burns Supper in full swing.
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00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:49,840
What happens?
Everyone gets totally fucked.
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00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:53,000
Obviously, though, this is just
a stupid wee thing in a house,
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00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:56,320
but see some of the properly
organised ones that they have...
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00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:59,320
They are unbelievable, Gordon!
Really?
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00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:03,160
We went to this one in Edinburgh
Castle, there was bagpipes, there
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00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:07,440
was barrel loads of malt whisky, log
fires burning, remember it, Cathy?
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00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:10,120
Erm? Remember!
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00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:13,320
We went back to that hotel with
the bath in the middle of the room?
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00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:16,240
No.
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00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:20,080
Aw, no, right enough - that's
when me and Yvonne were together.
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00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:22,480
But honestly, Gordon,
what a night that was.
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00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:24,560
It was absolutely tremendous!
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00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:30,960
It's a shame Christine's trip down
to see Sophie didn't go so well.
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00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:32,960
Aye, who could have predicted that,
eh?
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00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:35,040
That is a long bus journey too.
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00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:37,600
Certainly for the poor bastard
sat next to her.
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00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:40,920
Eric! Christine's hardly seen that
baby since it was born.
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00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:44,520
Aye, right enough.
OK, we all done?
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00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:46,440
Yep. Good.
178
00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:49,040
RADIO PLAYS "SAY WHAT YOU WANT"
BY TEXAS
179
00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:51,440
It's nice that Ian's brought Gordon,
isn't it?
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00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:54,040
Give him a wee taste
of the old Scottish traditions.
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00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:58,960
CHRISTINE: Beth - I've spilt
this fucking whisky down
the arm of your chair.
182
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,840
Robert Burns is
basically like a national
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00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:05,760
hero in Scotland, Gordon,
isn't he, Cath?
184
00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:06,880
Yes.
185
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:12,240
Cos as well as being a poet,
he's sort of a...a romantic hero.
186
00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:15,040
He was a heart-throb in his day,
wasn't he? Was he?
187
00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:18,800
Oh, aye, all the experts,
all the historians, they all agree,
188
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:22,600
he rode just about
every lassie he met.
189
00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:26,680
I'm sweating like mad with this on.
Take your jacket off.
190
00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:29,440
Wish I had worn a kilt now.
191
00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:31,360
Have you got a kilt yourself,
Gordon?
192
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:32,560
No.
193
00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:34,880
I've got three. Have you?
Aye.
194
00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:37,600
I've got a really, really,
short tartan skirt that
195
00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:39,240
I sometimes wear, Gordon.
196
00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:41,720
Mine cost a fortune,
made to measure,
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00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:44,040
none of your off the peg
tourist shite.
198
00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:46,280
What tartan are they?
Don't know.
199
00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:49,120
But see that Burns Supper I was
tellin' ye aboot, they were
200
00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:52,000
all in kilts - see
when the dancing started, God,
201
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,480
Yvonne's eyes were
just about popping oot her head!
202
00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:56,920
Yes, all right, Colin.
What?
203
00:09:56,920 --> 00:10:00,320
Yvonne, Yvonne, Yvonne, Yvonne...
I'm only just...
204
00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:03,760
Yeah, we could all be sitting here
banging on about our exes, Colin.
205
00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:07,360
I mean Ian's not sitting here
talking about Jaz, is he?
206
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:11,040
"Oh, Jaz this, Jaz that, Jaz was
so lovely, he was so lovely..."
207
00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:13,600
He was so much better-looking than
Gordon, he had
208
00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:16,880
nicer eyes, better teeth,
bigger bulge.
209
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:19,680
But he's not, is he?
210
00:10:19,680 --> 00:10:22,520
Ian - do you ever hear fae Jaz?
211
00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:25,600
I'm only just telling him
about the Burns Supper we went to.
212
00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:29,280
He just happened to mention her,
Cathy. Oh...
213
00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:43,080
OK, everyone? No, we're not!
214
00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:45,920
Colin is obsessed
with his ex-girlfriend.
215
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:50,040
Excuse me? Beth - did you
ever notice Jaz's willy?
216
00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:53,480
What? Look, can we just leave
Jaz's willy out of this?
217
00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:57,160
I'm fine with it, my ex was quite
well hung as well, Mrs Baird.
218
00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:00,840
Look, I don't know
what's going on in here
219
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:03,880
but can we just draw
a line under it?
220
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:07,960
Well, you wouldn't be saying that
if Eric was going on about one
of his exes in front of you.
221
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:10,000
What? Just saying.
222
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:12,960
Beth, was Eric not involved
with a woman that
223
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:15,680
worked on the railways
before he met you?
224
00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:19,280
Eric, what was the name of
that woman that you used to go
225
00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:22,080
with before you met Beth?
Sorry?
226
00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:24,280
You said she had awful wirey hair,
Beth.
227
00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:27,720
Do we really have to do this?
Linda, that was it.
228
00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:30,680
You're talking years ago.
How long, Eric?
229
00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:34,720
Oh, well, it was certainly
before they electrified the
line out to Helensburgh.
230
00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:37,160
I'm sure it was Linda. Was it?
231
00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:40,360
I don't know -
I mean I wasn't really serious with
232
00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:43,720
anybody before I met Beth,
I went out with a few people.
233
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:45,360
Did you?
234
00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:47,320
Well, not loads.
235
00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:48,840
COLIN: I always said to Cathy,
236
00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:52,880
I bet when you were younger,
you had a nose for it.
237
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:57,680
Oh, aye, I can just see him -
buying women fish suppers
238
00:11:57,680 --> 00:12:00,640
and then trying to corner them
in bus shelters.
239
00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:04,000
Excuse me! I didn't do anything
that everybody else wisnae doing.
240
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,960
Look, everybody's got exes,
have we not?
241
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:10,520
What's important is who we're
with now, the past is the past
242
00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:13,560
and today's today.
Hear, hear.
243
00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:17,480
BETH: Good idea. Cheers, everyone,
happy Burns Night.
244
00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:19,800
Happy Burns Night!
ALL: Burns Night.
245
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,640
Burns Night!
246
00:12:25,560 --> 00:12:28,640
Here, Gordon, what's that tartan
that you're wearing?
247
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:31,800
It's McIntyre.
Aw, that was Yvonne's surname.
248
00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:33,960
Oh, God!
249
00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:40,720
How long does it say for Gordon's
vegetarian one?
250
00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:43,160
It's, eh, 20 minutes.
251
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:48,640
You all right, Cathy?
I'm fine.
252
00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:51,520
All right if I use your lovely
new toilet, is it, missus?
253
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:53,760
Of course, Cathy.
254
00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:57,200
RADIO PLAYS "IN A BIG COUNTRY"
BY BIG COUNTRY
255
00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:02,800
So, are you a haggis man yourself,
Ian? I'll take a bit.
256
00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:05,360
Not a massive fan.
I tell you what,
257
00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:09,280
it's good for the environment
cos it's using up all the bits
258
00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:12,440
of an animal that would normally
end up going into an incinerator.
259
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:15,000
Or to feed other animals.
260
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:17,840
It's the circle of life, Ian.
261
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:20,040
How did your daughter
meet her new partner?
262
00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:23,280
Online, Gordon.
Which I am not keen on -
263
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,640
I mean how do you know
that somebody is
264
00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:29,720
who they say they are
on the internet?
265
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:33,840
True. He must have been really
keen if he drove all the way up
from Wales to meet her.
266
00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:36,640
Well, he'd not seen a photo.
267
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:40,360
But, yes, up he came,
took her for a Chinese meal
268
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:43,840
and within three days,
she had her bags packed and her
269
00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:48,320
and wee Madison were halfway
down the M6 in the back of a Toyota.
270
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:50,480
What a shame.
271
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:55,920
Still, if that's what she wants,
who am I to stand in her way?
272
00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:58,400
Yes, there have been
some harsh words
273
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,480
but I wish them well,
274
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,600
I really do.
275
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:06,200
They can always come up and visit?
She can, he can get to fuck.
276
00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:08,040
TOILET FLUSHES
277
00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:13,960
Oh, Beth,
it really is lovely in there.
278
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:16,040
Oh, thank you, Cathy.
279
00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:20,520
You should be so proud of what
you've done in that toilet, Eric.
280
00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:22,240
Right.
281
00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:25,840
RADIO PLAYS "LITTLE BIRD"
BY ANNIE LENNOX
282
00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:30,400
So, potatoes OK, are they, missus?
283
00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:32,680
Yes, fine.
284
00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:34,800
And haggis? Boiling away too?
285
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:36,240
Uh-huh.
286
00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:41,040
And the, orange veg? The...the...
287
00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:43,240
Turnip.
Turnip, yeah, that's OK too?
288
00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:45,480
Yes, all fine.
Eric, would you..?
289
00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:47,280
Mm?
290
00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:50,880
Would you leave Beth and I
alone with the haggis
for a minute, please?
291
00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:53,200
Er, aye, sure.
292
00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:56,680
Why don't you go
and put the napkins out?
293
00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:59,840
Put the napkins out, Eric,
give people something to spit into.
294
00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:03,240
So, how long you been in Scotland
then, Gordon?
295
00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:05,920
Just under a year.
You settling in all right, are you?
296
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:08,360
Yeah, yeah.
People have been brilliant
297
00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:10,400
but I still find the accent
a bit tricky, sometimes.
298
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:13,440
Och, yer baws, it is!
299
00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:15,240
She disagrees.
300
00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:18,320
ERIC: Scotland's renowned as
being one of the most welcoming
301
00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:21,120
countries in the world for
foreigners to come to.
That's true, Eric.
302
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:25,000
Very few get attacked for no reason.
I love it here, I really do.
303
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,600
Aw, that's lovely.
304
00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:30,640
So, Ian - you
and Jaz definitely finished then?
305
00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:35,440
Look at this.
Who's that?
306
00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:38,240
THAT is Yvonne.
307
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:39,800
Who's Yvonne?
308
00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:43,560
That's Colin's ex - that's the one
he's been going on about earlier.
309
00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:47,520
Oh, Cathy. I mean, look at the tits,
they're implants.
310
00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:50,800
And the pout there,
oh, she's had her lips done an' all.
311
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:54,280
And the teeth - I mean,
they're quite good, actually,
312
00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:57,320
I wonder where she got them done.
313
00:15:57,320 --> 00:16:00,600
Oh, look, oh, look - the holiday
shot. Oh, look, there
314
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:05,240
she is on the balcony, look at me,
glass of wine, I'm in the Bahamas.
315
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:09,040
Are you fuck, love - you're on an
all-inclusive cock hunt in Corfu.
316
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:11,920
Cathy, this is NOT a good idea.
317
00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:15,000
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
look at what she's posted!
318
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:19,960
"Happy Burns Night, everyone,
should auld acquaintance be forgot -
319
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:23,440
"big shout-out to friends
old and new".
320
00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:27,120
Well, we know who that's aimed at,
don't we?!
321
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:35,440
Right, you are going to put an end
to this right now. What?
322
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:38,520
You and Yvonne, I don't want you
being in contact with her.
323
00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:40,360
I haven't spoken to her in years.
324
00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:42,800
Oh, really?
Then how do you explain this?
325
00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:47,160
Christ, she's not aged at all.
She's a slut!
326
00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:51,040
Hey, hey, hey. Oh, shut up, Eric,
excited about haggis.
327
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:54,440
Look, I just mentioned Yvonne
because I was telling
Gordon about the Burns Supper.
328
00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:55,560
Right, OK, well,
329
00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:58,280
I want you to tell her that she
is never to contact you ever again.
330
00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:00,680
Eh?
Am I being unreasonable, Beth?
331
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:02,080
Well... Thank you.
332
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:04,360
You tell her that all
lines of communication between her
333
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:08,000
and you are now officially closed.
334
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:10,280
OK, OK, OK.
335
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:13,920
How am I meant to do that?
Send her a message on Facebook.
336
00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:16,560
No, don't, don't!
No more secret messages.
337
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:18,720
Phone her!
I've not got her number.
338
00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:22,000
Well, then, get her to phone you!
What?! Oh, shush!
339
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:26,520
OK, send her a message on Facebook,
give her your number,
340
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:29,040
tell her to phone you
and when she does,
341
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:31,280
tell her that she's never to
contact you ever again. OK?
342
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:34,480
OK.
343
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:37,160
NOW!
344
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:41,960
This happens a lot, Gordon.
Does it?
345
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,360
Aye, she goes fucking cuckoo
with the drink.
346
00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:50,840
Well, anyway...
347
00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:53,640
Is it not about time we had a poem
or a song or something?
348
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,040
Oh, I've got one.
What is it?
349
00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:57,000
It's one about wild oats.
350
00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:00,320
No, no, no, we'll not have that.
I could do Tam o' Shanter.
351
00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:02,320
Oh, Eric, that goes on forever.
352
00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:05,920
Did you know Sophie won a prize at
the school for doing a Burns poem.
353
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:08,160
GORDON: Did she, Christine?
354
00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:10,920
Or was that for her
project about the Egyptians?
355
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:16,480
Eric, was Robert Burns
by any chance part-Egyptian?
356
00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:20,520
No. No. I didn't think so.
357
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:25,520
GORDON: I could do a song.
It's not Robert Burns, though.
358
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:27,360
But it is Scottish.
359
00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:30,760
Go on, Gordon, you sing!
WHISPERS: Is he shit, Ian?
360
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:32,800
Is it Danny Boy?
361
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:36,760
Oh, remember Eric sung
that at your father's funeral, Beth?
362
00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:39,360
That was a terrific night.
363
00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:41,240
OK, OK, OK.
364
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:43,560
Shhh...
365
00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:46,560
HE HUMS INTRO FAINTLY
366
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:51,280
# When I wake up,
well, I know I'm gonna be
367
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:54,120
# I'm gonna be the man
who wakes up next to you
368
00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:58,520
# When I go out,
yeah, I know I'm gonna be
369
00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:01,760
# I'm gonna be the man
who goes along with you
370
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:06,720
# If I get drunk... Yes!
Well, I know I'm gonna be
371
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:10,560
# I'm gonna be the man
who gets drunk next to you
372
00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:13,480
# And if I...haver... #
373
00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:13,480
THEY LAUGH
374
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:18,040
# Yeah, I know I'm gonna be,
I'm gonna be the man who's
havering to you
375
00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:22,920
ALL: # But I would walk 500 miles
376
00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:26,840
# And I would walk 500 more
377
00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:31,720
# Just to be the man
who walks a thousand miles
378
00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:34,560
# To fall down at your door
379
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,720
# Da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da
380
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:38,680
# Da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da
381
00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:42,080
# Da, da, da, dun, diddle, un,
diddle, un, diddle, uh, da, da
382
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:44,360
# Da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da
383
00:19:44,360 --> 00:19:46,560
# Da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da
384
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,720
# Da, da, da, dun, diddle, un,
diddle, un, diddle, uh, da, da. #
385
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:52,440
THEY CHEER
386
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:52,440
Gordon!
387
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:56,880
Oh, do you remember the two of them
with the specs, eh?
388
00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:58,960
I mean what's the matter with them?
389
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:02,480
All that money and they cannae
afford contact lenses!
390
00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:05,480
They're famous all over the world,
Craig and Charlie.
391
00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:08,360
Craig and Charlie who?
The Proclaimers.
392
00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:10,840
Oh, aye.
Same as Robert Burns.
393
00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:14,120
In fact, this is what Burns Night's
all about, isn't it?
394
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:17,280
Celebrating Scotland's
contribution to the world,
isn't that right, Eric?
395
00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:18,520
Aye, that's right.
396
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:21,480
Just think about it -
see, at this very moment,
397
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:25,160
there'll be Scottish people
in every town
398
00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:27,360
and every country
399
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,680
and every corner of the globe -
400
00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:32,120
getting fucking hammered.
401
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:40,320
BETH: OK, folks,
nearly time for the haggis. Eric...
402
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:42,560
Ooh, right.
403
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:42,560
THEY CHEER
404
00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:44,280
Up to the table!
405
00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:46,880
Ooh, thanks, Gordon, son.
406
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:50,960
Oh, you're a nice boy.
407
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:52,760
He's good fun, isn't he, Ian?
408
00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:55,480
Aye, aye, he is. Aw, thanks.
409
00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:57,800
I tell you what,
Jaz would never have got up
410
00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,840
and made a fool of himself
like that.
411
00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:05,160
Beth - no haggis for me.
And...no potatoes.
412
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:08,760
And, em, no, em... Argh! Turnip!
413
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:12,960
So, nothing at all?
No, I'm having another whisky.
414
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:16,160
God, we're going to have loads.
415
00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:18,480
Everybody else'll
take a good helping.
416
00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:22,520
Eh, Dad, just potato and turnip for
me, I don't really fancy any haggis.
417
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:26,440
RADIO PLAYS "A GIRL LIKE YOU"
BY EDWYN COLLINS
418
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:32,600
You're a vegetarian are you, Gordon?
Yeah.
419
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:36,160
Cos you feel sorry for animals
or do you just like the attention?
420
00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:38,680
Oh, there's the mashed
tatties there.
421
00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:42,400
Eh, Christine, get a bit of the
old mashed tattie aboard ye, eh?
422
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:45,720
Tatties means potatoes, Gordon,
423
00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:50,040
and mashed is...all mashed up.
424
00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:53,040
Dad, did you get Gordon his
veggie one? Yep, just coming.
425
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:56,040
I dread to think what's in that, eh?
426
00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:58,840
It cannae be any worse than a real
one. What is it that's in haggis?
427
00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:02,640
Everything. It's all the livers
and kidneys and stuff, is it not?
428
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:06,720
No, I'll tell you what's in it -
in a proper one you've heart, lung,
429
00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:09,760
and liver all minced up with onion
and oatmeal
430
00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:12,840
but you've got to soak
the oatmeal in blood.
431
00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:16,240
And then it gets stuffed inside
the lining of a sheep's stomach
432
00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:17,960
and boiled.
433
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:23,000
Right. You'll no' try even
a wee bit, Gordon, no?
434
00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:26,320
OK, turnip.
435
00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:28,040
ALL: Woo!
Right, are we all ready?
436
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:31,560
ALL: Yes!!
Hang on, hang on.
437
00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:34,760
Everybody got everything they need?
Aye, oh, aye. Yes, indeed.
438
00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:38,520
OK, ready now, Eric.
Here she comes!
439
00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:40,320
Oh, here she comes!
440
00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:42,920
Haggis! Haggis! Haggis!
441
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:45,920
THEY CHEER
442
00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:50,600
Take a look at that!
It's massive.
443
00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:54,120
Oh, there's its wee baby beside it.
That's the veggie one.
444
00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:58,960
Oh, that is tremendous,
a real traditional Scottish haggis.
445
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:02,000
Where d'you get it, Beth?
Aldi's.
446
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:05,000
Right, come on, Eric,
get it dished out, I'm starving.
447
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:06,240
Hang about, hang about.
448
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:08,520
You've got to do
the Address to the Haggis first.
449
00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:11,320
Oh, no, not the whole thing, Eric.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
450
00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:13,800
This is the bit where we
talk to the haggis prior to
451
00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:15,360
stabbing it with a knife, Gordon.
452
00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:17,240
ERIC CLEARS THROAT
453
00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:23,720
Fair fa', your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin'-race.
454
00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:26,160
What's he saying?
Just skip to the middle. What?
455
00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:29,880
We don't need to hear the whole
thing. We're ready for
our dinner, Eric!
456
00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:31,720
Awright, awright.
457
00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:37,720
His knife see rustic Labour dight,
An' cut you up wi' ready slight...
458
00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:41,720
Ho-ho! Look at that, eh, Gordon!
459
00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:43,800
That is so gross.
460
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:47,560
Trenchin' your gushing entrails
bright, Like ony ditch;
461
00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:51,760
And then, O what a glorious sight,
462
00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:54,520
Warm-reekin', rich!
463
00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:57,320
Right, right, OK that'll do us.
Come on, plate it up.
464
00:23:57,320 --> 00:23:59,080
Here we are, there we are, Eric.
465
00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:08,360
Cheers Gordon, thanks, son.
466
00:24:08,360 --> 00:24:11,360
PHONE RINGS
467
00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:15,440
Who is it? Is it her?
Aye. Will I call her back?
468
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:18,040
No, speak to her now.
We're just getting our dinner.
469
00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:19,960
Answer it.
470
00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:23,440
Ian, pass us
over the potatoes over, will ye?
471
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:25,680
A bit o' gravy as well...
472
00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:27,640
Hello?
473
00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:34,040
Hi, hi, Yvonne. How you doing? Aye,
long time no speak.
474
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,520
How's things? Oh, are you?
475
00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:39,120
Oh, that's smashing,
476
00:24:39,120 --> 00:24:43,840
No, I remember you saying that
you'd always wanted them done.
477
00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:49,360
Look, hen, what it is, Yvonne, I
mean I was really just dropping you
478
00:24:49,360 --> 00:24:52,600
a line to say, em...
479
00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:55,840
Don't ever contact me again.
480
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:02,760
DON'T EVER CONTACT ME AGAIN.
481
00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:06,640
You... You are a...
482
00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:08,920
You are a fake-titted slut.
483
00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:12,880
OK? Right, bye, now. Bye, bye.
484
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:15,840
PHONE BEEPS OFF
485
00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:22,480
Actually, Beth, I will have
something to eat.
486
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:25,720
I'll just have some potato,
though, none of the other shit.
487
00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:37,520
Not bad, Eric, not bad at all.
488
00:25:40,120 --> 00:25:43,160
GORDON: So, em, will your daughter
be having a Burns Supper tonight?
489
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:45,960
I don't know.
490
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:48,800
I don't know and I don't care.
Oh, Christine.
491
00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:50,560
GORDON: It's a shame to
think of her missing out.
492
00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:53,040
ERIC: Do you not think you should
give her a wee phone, Christine?
493
00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:54,840
just sort all this out?
494
00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:56,440
I certainly will not.
GORDON: Or a text?
495
00:25:57,760 --> 00:26:01,800
Just something tae let her
know you're thinking about her.
Aye, a wee peace offering.
496
00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:04,760
GORDON: If she's in Wales, she might
not be able to get haggis there.
497
00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:10,400
You could send her some. Eh?
That's a good idea, you could send
Sophie some of this haggis.
498
00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:14,920
Does she like haggis?
Oh, yes.
499
00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:17,360
She enjoys all meat-based products,
Beth.
500
00:26:17,360 --> 00:26:19,480
COLIN: Well, why don't you send her
a bit?
501
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:23,800
I mean, think about
it. Haggis gets exported all over
the world. I mean, surely,
502
00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:27,400
we could manage to get a wee bit
of this to North Wales, eh, Beth?
503
00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:29,720
BETH: Well, it's a lovely thought.
504
00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:32,200
Beth, there's loads of it -
none of us want it.
505
00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:34,040
There's plenty I can give her here.
506
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:36,120
She can have some of mine.
507
00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:45,000
Right. Great.
508
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:46,200
Right.
509
00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:47,880
Fire it in.
510
00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:51,880
Put a wee bit of turnip in as well.
Mm-hm.
511
00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:57,840
Aye, a bit of potato - Ian,
some of your mash to send to Sophie.
512
00:26:57,840 --> 00:27:01,280
There you go.
513
00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:03,560
That's it - right, zip it up, Cath.
514
00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:08,320
Oh, listen, she'll be slaverin'
when she opens the jiffy bag
and sees this.
515
00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:15,560
That's lovely.
516
00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:19,200
I'm getting quite emotional
seeing it all in the bag there.
517
00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:32,280
Do you know, this tastes
a bit funny.
518
00:27:33,520 --> 00:27:36,160
What d'you mean?
Well it's sort of crumbly.
519
00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:38,280
A wee bit dry. Yours?
520
00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:42,040
Fine.
521
00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:44,240
Naw, it's definitely...
522
00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:47,880
BETH: Gordon.
Mmm?
523
00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:51,160
I think you might have
the wrong plate there.
524
00:27:52,320 --> 00:27:55,440
Oh, it's all right, Gordon,
it's only a wee bit of,
525
00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:58,200
what did you say was in it again?
Sheep's guts.
526
00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:06,880
DOOR SLAMS, GORDON RETCHES
527
00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:14,240
Your lovely new toilet, Beth.
528
00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:21,040
MUSIC: I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)
by The Proclaimers
69829
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