All language subtitles for Two.Doors.Down.S02E06.1080p.iP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-VTM_track3_[eng]

This programme
contains strong language

GAS HISSES

Beth, Beth!

Can you come through a minute?

What is it, Eric? I'm busy.

Can you come through a minute?
What is it?

Honestly, if this is you
with that stupid helium again,

I swear to God...

Well, what is it?

HIGH—PITCHED: Nothing.

'The person you are calling
is not available.

'Please leave
a message after the tone.'

PHONE BEEPS

Right, Pat, that's 2:30,

Beth's house for Sophie's
baby shower thingmy.

Now, Beth's doing food,
so don't have any lunch.

We've just made do
wae some toast and banana.

Oh, and listen, Pat,
there's no smoking in there,

so you'd better have a right good go
at it before you come across.

Oh, and bring your electric thingy,

and your chewing gum...

and your patches.

Right, I'll see you later.

Oh, and, Pat, don't bother
wrapping that potty.

She knows exactly what you've got
her, so just save your paper.

Aye, right, see you later.

All right, okey, dokey, 2:30. Bye.

Why do you not just text her?

Aw, do you know?
I never even thought.

"2:30.

"Don't eat, do smoke, bring potty."

Oh, smiley face.

# Mm, mm-mm-mm

# Mm,
mm-mm-mm

# Mm, mm-mm-mm-mm-mm

# Oh, oh-oh-oh

# Oh, oh-oh, oh

# Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. #

Hi!
Oh, there you are.

Oh, my goodness.

Aw! I whacked it off the corner
of a cardboard box, didn't I?

Oh, dear.

Ian said he thinks it's quite sexy.

Said I look like Amir Khan.

How are you? All set?

Getting there. In you go.

All right, Dad?
Aye, aye. Hello, Mr Baird.

Hi, son. Bloody hell,
what happened to you?

He walked into a box. And you
thumped him just for that, Ian?

Bloody boxes all over the place.

You'd better watch in case another
one comes after you, Jaz.

"Aaargh, help,
there's a box chasing me!"

Are you making a cup of tea?
Why not?

Here, watch where I'm going
in these fucking shoes.

What time do you think
we'll be back? I don't know.

What time is it now?

Half two, half three, half four...

No, I'll stick this outside light on

in case Beth makes me stay
for my dinner.

Have you got your phone? Yes!

I'll get you to take lots of photos
o' me with aw the presents.

We'll put it on Facebook.

It's no just about presents, Mum.
I know, I know.

Did you text your bank details
to your Auntie Marion?

Here, Beth, come here and see this.
What?

Come here and see what Ian's got.

What is it?

HIGH-PITCHED: Hello, Mummy.

Where's this cup of tea?
My throat's awful dry.

THEY LAUGH

You're as bad as each other. I've
told you,

you're not meant to do that!

That is so funny. Let me try.

HE COUGHS

What is it? Oh, no, I don't like it.
Tastes like poppers.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, you're here? Eh?!

Aye, well, it is my house, you know.

I thought it was just
a women's thing.

I told you Ian and Jaz were coming.

I know, but they're no "men, men."

Oh. Hi, Christine!
Oh, there she is.

Hi, Sophie. All right, Soph?

Hiya. Oh, wow, this is just...

Oh, my God! Jaz, what happened
to you?! Have you been beaten up?

No, no, no. What was it cos you're
Asian or cos you're bent? Mum!

All right.

Sorry.

Was it cos of your ethnicity

or cos you're bent?

Neither. That's not what's happened.

Was it you? No!

He bumped in to a cardboard box.

See, that can happen.

I cut the side of my mouth
when I was licking an envelope.

Mind of that, Beth? I do.

Between that and the cold sore
on the other side,

I was like the fucking Joker.

Right, Christine, can I offer you
something to drink?

Indeed you can, Beth.

What about a Prosecco?!

Oh, lovely. Thanks.

Oh, there's a fucking strawberry
in this.

Well, yes.
Is there supposed to be?

Yes. That's what you're supposed to
have for a baby shower. Oh.

I don't really like
strawberries, Mrs Baird.

Could I maybe get a bit of apple
in mine?

Or...orange maybe?

Right. So, we've got the celebration
drinks, the cupcakes,

we'll do the presents,

then we'll have a toast
and maybe a few speeches.

Who's doing speeches?
Well... Erm...

Anyone who wants to.

Usually it's the parents,
grandparents and godparents.

Oh, here, I'd better text Pat
and tell her to bring her inhaler.

THEY MOUTH

So it's definitely just the
cupcakes we're getting, Beth?

Yes, just the cupcakes I made
myself from scratch this morning

and then iced by hand and covered
in pink and blue sprinkles.

Ah, it's just...we havenae
had our lunch. It's fine.

Thank you, Mrs Baird,
for going to all this trouble.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll go.

Hello, Eric. Can I come in?

I've lost my honey,
please let me in.

Go on, stroke my nice soft fur,

you know you want to.

THEY YELL AND LAUGH
Shit!

Oh, dear God.

BOTH: Only us!
Oh!

"Do eat. Smoke.

"Potty. Angry face."

How do you spell inhaler?

Ach, never mind. "Puffer."

Helloooo!

Oh, is this it? Where is everyone?

I'm having a separate one
for my friends. Why?

SHE COUGHS

Oh, hey, Sophie,
look at the size of you.

You sure it's a baby you've got
in there and no something else?

THEY LAUGH

It is hard to know what is actually
baby and what is fluid.

(Oh, dear God.)
I was the same, though.

Oh, I was like
a giant bloody whale, Beth.

Big baby, eh?

Not necessarily. A big bump
doesn't always mean a big baby.

That's true.
Although it did wae her.

I came out that hospital like
John Wayne after a bad curry.

Right, well, never mind, eh?

What about this, eh?
I wonder what this is, eh?

It's a present for Sophie.

"Raaaargh!"

Oh. Thank you!

Could you no have got one a wee bit
bigger? I think that's big enough.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

Oh, Jaz, what's happened?

He walked into a box...apparently.

I walked into the edge
of a cardboard box.

We're moving house tomorrow
and we've got stuff everywhere.

Mm-hm, right.
And what really happened?

Did you try to fire into
a straight guy, hm?

Most stressful thing in the world
they say, Jaz, moving house.

Hmm, you might have
another breakdown, Jaz.

He won't.

Are you still on
antidepressants?

Yeah.
See, I don't think they work.

Right, let's get this started.

Everybody needs drinks. Cathy?

Oh, champagne?

Prosecco.

Oh, here, watch, Cathy -
there's stuff floating in it.

Right, OK. So, it's the Prosecco
and then the cupcakes,

and then we'll do presents,
and then we'll have a toast,

and a few speeches and then there
might be a wee surprise after that.

Oooh! What, like a stripper?

No, Cathy! It's not a hen night.
Remember that one we went to for

the charity night for the kidney
machines and you got all that oil

in your hair?

What time is it?

Still no sign of Pat, eh?

No.

She will love this. Yeah.

A special day.

A very special day.

Yeah.

Here, Sophie, going to loosen
the Velcro on my shoe, there?

That's it, it's just a bit tight,
the bandage. There we go.

So...keys to the new place
on Monday, then? Yeah.

Youse excited?
Where did you say it was again?

Was it out past the turn-off
for the airport?

Aye, just before you come to
the big B&Q.

There's new flats
on the left-hand side there.

New place on Monday for these two,
Cath, out by the airport.

CATHY: Oh, wow.

What's he up to?

Every time I go to the airport,
it reminds me of going on holiday.

A wee bit dicey out there, is it no?

Oh, yes, it is. Uh-huh.

Is it?
Well, it certainly used to be.

It's all been regenerated, though.
They'd need to have done something

because it was like the Wild West.
There was, like, gangs...

Drug addicts.
Beggars. Oh, God, I hate beggars.

Interrupting me
when I'm on the phone!

It'll be all right now, though.
I mean, if it's all been done up.

Look forward to the flat warming,
Jaz.

I shall treat myself
to a new stab vest.

THEY LAUGH

That's enough, Eric!

Honestly, Christine, he's been
at this all bloody morning,

inhaling it and doing the funny
voice. He thinks it's hilarious.

PHONE RINGS

HIGH-PITCHED: Hi, Pat.

LAUGHTER

Look, it was fine when we went
and did the viewing. Mmm.

I saw stuff written on a wall.
What stuff?

"Gemma loves spunk."

Look, did you like the flat?

Well, yeah. Did you feel safe
when you were there?

Pretty much, yeah.

Well, I'm sure it's fine. That night
we went back for the second viewing

the streets were
practically deserted.

Everyone was probably
round at Gemma's.

Oh, yeah. Spunk.

You all right, Christine?

She's not coming.

Oh, no. Ach, what a shame!

Who's that?

Pat over the back.

No potty today, Sophie.

I wasted two fucking texts
on her as well.

So, everybody all right for drinks,
eh?

Sophie?
Oh, I'm fine, Mr Baird.

You should have a spritzer, Sophie.

That's what I had when I was on
the IVF. Well, if I was driving.

Actually, can I have another
orange, please,

with just a little bit
of fizz in it?

Yeeees!

Go, Sophie! Go, Sophie! Go, Sophie!

Don't be getting pissed in there!

Here, Jaz! Jaz, come here.

Let me get a closer look
at that eye of yours.

Oh, aye, you see, that reminds
me of the time that revolving door

at the carvery battered me
on the side of the face.

Do you remember that, Sophie?
Yes.

I was too busy watching the boy
wheeling in a fresh lump of gammon.

So, how long to go now, Sophie?

Oh, well, my due date's the 15th.

Oh, she could go any time, Cathy.

Oh, really?

Do you know if it's
a wee boy or a girl yet?

I don't know,
I didn't want to find out.

That's why I did pink and blue
ones, just in case.

Oh, and that's why I'm going to
take one of each.

Oh, close your eyes, Sophie,
and pick one.

No peeking.

Awful, awful dry sponge.

Oh, what's it going to be?

Oh, this is going to be a sign.
What's she going to have?

A dry fucking mouth. Oh!

Oh, it's blue!
She's going to have a boy!

She's going to have a boy!

A wee boy, Eric, eh? A wee pee-pee.

When my sister was pregnant, she
didn't know whether it was a boy

or a girl and we all thought
it was going to be a girl,

and it turned out it was a boy.

Right, has everybody had a cupcake?
There's plenty.

Oh, no, you're all right, Beth.

Christ, my mouth's like the inside
of an Arab's sandshoe as it is.

Shall we do the presents?

It's such a shame you're no going
to be getting the potty today.

Pat's bought her a potty -
it's got a princess on it.

Awww.
Princess Elsa.

Oh, it's a lovely deep one, Jaz.

And see when they sit on it,
it plays Let It Go.

Right, shall we start
with Ian and Jaz's? This one?

Ohhh... What is it?

It's a night light. Oh, is it?

"Bulb not included."

Guess who'll be taking
a trip to Wilko then, eh?

Beth, what are you doing tomorrow?

Here's another wee thing
for you, Sophie. There you go.

Thank you,
that's really kind of youse.

Oh, where's that for?
Oh, it's for John Lewis.

Oh, thank you very much.

This is from Eric and I.

Thank you.

It's very practical
cos it sticks to the table.

I was thinking of getting one
for Eric as well.

Ha-ha(!)

Oh.

This is exciting.

And where's that for?
Oh, it's for Superdrug.

Oh. Och, well, I'll take it anyway.

I'll be needing some Toilet Duck.

Well, thank you very much, everyone.

Right. Well, let's get all this
paper cleared up. Eric?

Aw, no, I'll take it, Eric.

I can use that for lining the bottom
of the guinea pig's cage. Aye?

Oh, aye, no shiny stuff, though,
because that doesnae soak up.

Can I do anything, Mrs Baird?

Bring through another bottle of
Prosecco, in case anybody wants.

Oh, I'll take one, son,
but no floaters for me.

So...you all packed
and ready to go, then?

Yeah.

Where did you say it was
again, this place? Eastwood Drive.

Aw, aye, aye.
No bad up there, actually.

Mind you, awful lot of dogs
off the lead.

Is there? Oh, aye.

I'll tell you another thing,
the owners don't pick up after them.

The council have a hot line
for reporting it but who wants

the reputation of being a grass?

Know what I'm saying, Jaz?

Eh?

No with some of the headcases
that stay up there.

I mean, I suppose what you could do,

you could always pick it up
yourselves.

What?
Well, somebody's got to dae it

and nobody else that lives up
there gives a shit.

Oh, sorry.

Mind you,

then you risk the dog itself turning
on you, which is understandable.

I get annoyed myself if someone goes
into the cubicle straight after me.

And then, of course, there was
all that talk about getting

a paddling pool set up
in the living room.

Well, giving birth at home
can be a messy business.

And I said to the midwife,

"Where's all that going to get
emptied once it's all done?"

I mean, that wee drain at my back
door can hardly cope

with the juice aff a roast dinner.
Mum! What?

Am I right, Ian?

(Beth!)

What?

What would happen if she had it now?

Pardon? Sophie.

What would happen if it just
started...coming out of her now?

We'd phone an ambulance. But what if
it didn't get here in time?

Have you ever delivered
a baby before, Beth?

No. Me neither.

You need to get her knickers
straight off and move her

through on to the lino.
No, Cathy!

We're here to wish her
all the best and to celebrate.

I am not shoving her
into the kitchen

in case her waters suddenly break.

You OK, Sophie? Yeah.

Oh, Ian, did you bring me
those cushions I asked you to?

Oh, yeah. Where are you going?

I've got to get some stuff
out the car.

# One for the money
and the free ride... #

Cathy! What?! It's meant to be
a party, for God's sake!

It's a baby shower, Cathy! Honestly!

Any chance of a can of Stella, Eric?

CAR ALARM CHIRPS

I think we've made a mistake. What?

With the flat. We can't move there.
We need to pull out.

Whoa, ho, ho, hang on a minute,
what's going on?

Colin was just telling
me about the dogs. What dogs?

They're shitting everywhere.

There's dogs shitting everywhere
and nobody's clearing it up

because they're too frightened
they'll get bitten.

Well, I'm certainly enjoying this.

Much better without the fruit.

I don't like strawberries.

Well, when I say I don't like them,

I mean, I don't NOT like them.

I like them in jam.

I like jam.

And I like toast.

I like toast and jam.

Actually,
that's one of my favourites.

# These are a few
of my favourite things. #

Right, OK. So, let's have
the speeches, shall we?

Nooooooo!

Sophie, this is such a special day.

You're not going to do
a speech, are you?

So, we're supposed to start
with the mother to be.

No!

Go on, Sophie. Just a few words.
Aye, just a few.

Em, well...

Come on, Sophie, don't be shy.

OK. Erm...

Well, I don't really
have much to say,

just...thank you for your
presents and thank you,

Mrs Baird, for having everyone over.

I just hope the baby
doesn't keep you up at night

with all the noise and
the crying when it comes.

Oh, we'll be fine.
We're used to it with Cathy.

THEY LAUGH

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha(!)

Erm, anyway, thank you for the...
the presents and for the vouchers.

I'll make sure I get
something nice with them.

A mattress protector.
And that's...that's it.

ALL: Aw!

Oh, yes. Very good.

Oh, another thing. Oh, fuck off.

Today isn't just about
me and the baby.

I think we should also be having
a toast for Ian and Jaz. Aw!

Oh, no, honestly. Uh-huh.

We should be celebrating
you getting your new flat.

To Ian and Jaz.
ALL: To Ian and Jaz.

- What is it?
- Nothing.

What? What's the matter?

Well, we're going to have to have
a word with the estate agents.

Apparently the area's a bit mental.

- Really?
- Apparently.

At least that's what Colin
and Cathy were telling us.

Well I mean, I...
I wouldn't say mental.

They said there were gangs and
people begging in the street,

and you said I'd have
to pick up dog's dirt.

- What?!
- What's this about dog's dirt?

Colin, what's going on?

Oh, there's nothing worse.

I'd shoot the lot of them.

Mind that time you had to hose
down the pavement out there, Beth,

when that daft spaniel
got into your bin?

- Colin?
- Well...

I had you! You fell for it!

CATHY AND COLIN LAUGH

What?

We were winding you up!
Oh, my God, that's so funny!

You want to have seen him when I
says to him about picking up shite.

The wee lip was
going and everything.

Aw, you can't beat a good wind up.

You're a dick.

Aw. Ian, it was just a joke.

Oh, aye, hilarious(!) Christ,
he's flaky enough as it is.

What?

I don't mean flaky,
I mean you worry about...stuff.

Do I?

Jaz, son, do you want a sedative?

One of my wee Mogadons and you'll
not give a fuck where you live.

Some people just don't have
a sense of humour, Colin.

Just leave it.

So, it's the grandmother next.

That's you, Christine.

Oh, what do I do?

Just say a few words.

Oh. Never usually a problem.

SOPHIE LAUGHS

Oh, let me get sat
up then, eh? Right.

CHRISTINE SIGHS

Well, naturally I'm
disappointed at the no buffet...

About the pregnancy. About Sophie.

Oh, uh-huh.

Well, obviously...

Aw, heck.

Oh, you're all right, Christine.

I just can't believe it.

I mean, one minute she's your wee
lassie and the next thing you

know she's having
unprotected intercourse!

It's unbelievable, so it is!

Right, that's enough.

So, is that it then?

Well, the only other thing
is the godparents' speech.

Well, we can't have that, can we?

How no?
Well, Pat isn't here.

And who said Pat's the godparent?

Eh?!

Pat might not be the godparent.

What are you saying?

I might have already asked
someone - or a couple of people.

What are you talking
about, like who?

Mr and Mrs Baird.

You what?

I've asked Beth if her and Mr
Baird'll be godparents to the baby.

You've asked Beth and Eric

to be godparents to my grandchild?

Pat can still video the birth
on her phone, though, can't she?

Well, I'll keep it brief.
I'd just like to say...

Later. Right, I've got
another wee surprise.

Ian, where are the cushions?

And, Eric, where's that
thing I asked you to get?

We're going to play a game
called Who's Got The Real Baby?

It's a bit like Pin The
Tail On The Donkey.

So, you get the cushion and you
stick it up the front of your

jumper, and then we all have to
guess whose is the real baby bump.

OK? Who wants to be blindfolded?
Me.

No. Mum, you do it!

Eh?! Do my mum, Mrs Baird.
Mum, put the blindfold on.

No. Come on. No!

Come on, Christine!

SOPHIE AND ERIC GIGGLE

Right, you'll need to
get stood up for this.

Aw, Sophie, Sophie, you'll
need to give me a hand up.

No, no, don't worry,
I'll give you a hand.

Right, careful, Beth, I could
fall on my arse here.

Oh, oh!

OK, everyone line up.

- OK, Sophie, you spin her around.
- Oh.

Jaz, can you move
that out of the way?

No, she's right there. Ian, make
sure everyone's got a cushion.

Now that's it.
No, one more.

Oh, one more! Ooh, dizzy.

Right OK, Christine,

you're to guess which
bump is the real one,

which one's the baby bump. OK?

Right, OK. Where am I going?

Over this way. No, no, over
this way, to your right.

There you go. There.
Right, that's it.

Ho, ho, ho, that's my wee pal there.

Right. Go down that line.

- Right, oh, oh.
- That's it, that's it.

Oh, oh, oh, right,
Oh, no. That's HIS wee pal.

Uh-huh.

HE INHALES HELIUM

HIGH-PITCHED: Get off me!

Stupid arse.

Oh, no, no, no, that's not it.

No?

Oh, terrible smell of booze
and perfume. That's Cathy.

Right, Oh! Oh, oh, what's this.

Oh, this could be. Oh maybe.

Let me see.
Oh, wait a minute. Is it this?

Wait. Mmm, maybe.

No, it's definitely this one.

It's fucking huge!

Hey! Oh, for...

THEY LAUGH

She thought you were Eric!
It's not as big as that!

Sophie, what do you
make of that then?

Ah!

Ah! What is it?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Mrs
Whyte! My waters are breaking!

Beth! Beth, I told you! Calm down.

Let go! Get her off me!

Get her off me!

SOPHIE GIGGLES

Cannae beat a good wind up, eh?

THEY LAUGH

That's my girl! Oh, ya dancer!

Oh, come on! That was cheeky!

THEY LAUGH

# Yes, sir, that's my baby

# No, sir, I don't mean maybe

# Yes, sir, that's my baby now

# Yes, sir, that's my baby

# No, sir, I don't mean maybe

# Yes, sir, that's my baby now

# Whoa, whoa, whoa

# Yes, sir, that's my
baby now

# Yeah! #