All language subtitles for Two.Doors.Down.S02E02.1080p.iP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-VTM_track3_[eng]

SNORING

ALARM BLARES

(Eric!)

Eric!

ERIC GROANS

Can you hear that?
What?

The noise! Is that ours?

Somebody might be stealing the car.

Well, if they can get it started
they're welcome to it.

Go and see whose it is.

ERIC SIGHS

It might not even be a car alarm -
somebody might be getting burgled.

Does Christine have a burglar alarm?

No, but she's got a picture
of herself in the hall

that scares folk off.

You'll need to go and have a look.
Go on!

HE SIGHS

ALARM BLARES

This programme contains some
strong language

Whose is it?
I don't know.

I panicked. I thought
someone was nicking our car.

Aye, Beth thought it might be ours.

No, they'll no touch yours.

I think it's coming
from over the back.

Do you think?
(Shh, listen.)

ALARM BLARES

It's quite soothing after
a while, isn't it?

There's no much we can do.
Nope, it'll go off eventually.

Right, I'm away back in.
Beth awake?

Aye, aye, she woke me up.
Cathy?

No, no, she's out cold.

Once her head hits
the pillow that's her

no matter what you try.

Right...

OK, squire, that's enough
excitement for one night.

What's that fucking noise?

THEY SIGH

I thought it might be my tinnitus
flaring up again.

Have you ever had tinnitus, Eric?
No.

Oh, it's like a constant
grating noise in your ear

that goes
on and on and on.

If you've never had
it you won't understand.

No, I think I understand it.
Oh, here he is.

How did you get on?

Aye, it's a Volvo outside
one of the wee bungalows.

The guy in the next door
says they're away on holiday.

Aw, bloody hell.

He's going to phone them

but apparently there's a bit
of a time difference.

Aw, easy does it,

we don't want to wake them up while
they're on their holidays, eh?

Well, they'll need to dae something
because see the batteries

in a Volvo, that'll be going
for months. Aw, naw!

Can they no just get into
the house and get a spare key?

Aye, why don't we set off
the burglar alarm as well, eh?

Look, come on,
there's nothing else we can do.

Why don't we just
go to our beds, eh?

(Eric, what is going on?!)

Oh, there's Beth.

Beth, this is a nightmare.

It's fine. I've been away
round and checked it out,

someone's away on their holiday.

Volvo, Beth.

Wait, is someone going
to call the police?

Well, the thing is, Beth,
there's not actually been a crime.

It's one of the wee bungalows
you said, Colin? Aye.

Here, Beth, I bet it's that guy
whose wife did away with herself.

Remember, she borrowed a stepladder
off you and you never got it back?

Eric, were you not going
to buy a Volvo at one point?

I've never been a fan
of bungalows, you know?

You get an awful
lot of spiders in them.

I'd love to stick around and
chat but seeing as it's the middle

of the night, I might
actually go back to my bed.

How we're supposed to sleep after
all this carry on, I don't know.

Wee cup of tea and you'll be fine.
Are you having one, Beth?

Well, no, what I meant was...

Och, I'll just have one then.
Come on. OK.

You see, what it could
have been is maybe a cat

that's jumped onto the bonnet
of the car and set the alarm off.

Aye, they jump on to the bonnet
after the car's been running

to get a heat aff the engine,
isn't that right, Beth?

I don't know.

Oh, they're notorious, cats, for
loving a heat, aren't they, Beth?

Yes, Christine.

Hmm, they like heat
and they like sleep.

That's why I will never have a cat,

they're just lazy little monkeys.

What about a dog?

All that walking?
Oh, fuck that.

We don't leave our car in the
driveway when we go on holiday.

No?

No, it goes into
the long-stay car park.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Handing your car keys over
to somebody you don't know.

They could be doing
anything with it.

Like what? There's security
there 24 hours a day.

Aye, it's them I'd be
worrying about. What?

Security guards, ex-army.

Listen, if they can cover up
getting poor wee Iraqi blokes

to stand on one leg and
shit in a bin, they will have

no qualms about taking your motor
for a spin when your back's turned.

Oh, gosh.
You tired, Eric?

Funnily enough,
yes, I am.

When was the last time you were
up at this time of night, eh?

Oh, with my bladder?

There's nothing dear diary
about this, let me tell you.

Remember when we were young, we were
just getting in at this time. Aye!

I remember we used to steal rolls
from outside the baker's shop

at five o'clock in the morning
after we'd been at the dancing.

Did you ever do that, Eric?
I did, aye!

Aye, once or twice.

Pint of milk as well
off somebody's doorstep... Oh, aye.

..and a newspaper as well.

Christ, I'm glad I left
my handbag in the house.

DOORBELL RINGS

Sophie.
Is my mum here?

Erm, yes, she is.
Oh, God, I wondered where she was.

I got up and she wasn't in her bed.
Come in!

Oh, you're here.
I wondered where you were.

Yes, I'm here.
Beth insisted that I come in.

Oh, well, you could have told me.

I was worried something
could have happened to you.

Oh, that's good.

First I'm getting into trouble
for poking my nose in,

then she's complaining
when I disappear

out my bed in the
middle of the night.

You just cannae win. You got
woken up by the alarm too, did you?

Was it a car?
Volvo, Sophie.

Well, have youse phoned the police?

There's no point in
phoning the police. How not?

Because a crime
has not been committed.

Sit down, Sophie.

You must be absolutely knackered.

SHE SIGHS

The last thing you need at the
minute is to be woken up at night.

It's fine. I've not really been
sleeping well lately anyway.

No? No.

Can you not get comfy?

I was the same when I had Ian.

It was the kicking that
would keep me up at night.

Not really had much kicking.

Sweating, Beth.

She's getting...

a lot of sweating.

And peeing, peeing awful heavy.

Jesus wept.

I said to her, Beth, you'd
better enjoy whatever control

you've got of your bladder the now

because once you've
had the baby, well,

every cough and sneeze will leave
you leaking like an old fridge.

Hang on, has it stopped?

ALARM BLARES

No, it's still going.

Here, Colin, you get back round and
see what's going on.

I'll maybe just...
Don't even think about it.

What? If you think you're sloping
off upstairs leaving

me here with Christine,
you can forget it.

She'll be going back in next door
soon, will she no?

Beth, more tea!

How come it's always us that
gets lumbered?

I don't know, Eric.

Too bloody soft, that's the trouble.

We're going to have to put the foot
down, just learn to say no.

Do you want a tea as well?

Aye, all right.

I'm just saying if you decide now,
it'll be less for you to

think about when you come out
the hospital.

And I'm just saying that I want
a name that I actually like.

I understand that, but some of the
names that you're coming up

with, they might be fashionable,
but to me, they just sound daft.

How do they? Well, what was the one
you came up wi' last night?

Shelby.

Shelby, sounds like
a service station on the M6.

All right?

Uh-huh.

Aye, good cars, Volvos.

We were thinking about getting one,
you know.

We didn't.

Oh, what's happening?

Well, they got a hold of them.

Oh, that's good.

And he's trying to get in touch with
his brother who's got a spare key.

Right. But he's on a spa weekend.

Jesus Christ.

And where's the sister? Lying in
a hammock on a desert island?

Well, there's certainly nothing to
be gained by us sitting up all

night is there?

No, no, you away up the stairs.

I take it, Eric, that means you
won't be wanting one of these, then.

Rolls! In the name of God!
Where did you get them?

The shop. The shop's
no open at this time of night.

I never said I bought them!!

Oh, ho, ho. Colin.
Ya dirty wee thief.

Well, after all that chat earlier,
I couldn't get the idea of

a big crusty roll out my head.

So, come on, Beth,

get the pan on and don't try and
tell me you don't have any bacon.

Oh, come on, you're not going to
start eating rolls at this

time are you? I am starving.

And I thought you were
away to your bed?

Well, I'll stay up for a roll.

Sophie, will you take one?

Oh, here, you've already got
a bun in the oven.

I wouldn't mind one, actually.
Oh. What?!

Christine?

Come here to me.

One wi' bacon, one with egg.

Tell me exactly how I've ended up

frying sausages at four o'clock
in the morning? Honestly.

Well, I said to you, didn't I?
Don't start again, Eric.

Well, maybe this'll cheer them up a
bit. What do you mean?

Christine and Sophie. You
could cut the atmosphere with

a knife when I went through.

Sophie said they've been arguing
quite a lot recently.

Aw, that's a shame, cos normally
they get on so well, don't they?

Leave it!

You wonder what people did before
there were rolls, don't you?

Oh, I know.

Baps, they're called in England.

I remember Sophie went on
a trip with the school to London,

remember Sophie? Yeah. Aye.

When she came back,
I said to her, "How was London?"

She said, "It was unbelievable.

"Trafalgar Square's a shithole,

"rolls are called baps and
a fish supper's £8."

Oh, here she comes, here's the
chef.

Oh, yes.

Oh, good on you, Beth.

OK. Right, Colin,
one bacon and one square sausage.

Oh, Cath'll be sorry she missed
this. She likes a bacon roll.

Should you not send her a text in
case she wakes up and wonders

where you are? Christine.

Oh, ya beauty, a bacon roll,
eh, Eric? Aye.

Sophie, that's for you. Eric.

Oh, yes.

You not got any bacon, Eric?
No, scrambled egg for him.

Ah, ah, it's already salted.

Thanks very much, Beth.
Much obliged to you.

There's not too much butter on this,
is there? No.

It's just I'm watching my
cholesterol.

Just the two bits of bacon, eh?

Oh, God bless you, Beth.

Any brown sauce, Beth? What?

Got to have brown sauce on
square sausage.

Eh? Brown sauce on a sausage?

Aye. Oh, no. Tomato sauce on a
sausage, brown sauce on an egg.

Brown sauce on an egg?
No, that's no right.

How is it no?
Eric, what do you take on a sausage?

Nothing. Eh?
I don't take anything.

Well, that's all right if it's
quality meat but if it's...

Sophie,
what have you got in your roll?

Sausage.
Want a wee bit of brown sauce?

No, thanks. Are you sure?

Oh, don't question her,
it's her way or the highway.

Go on, take a wee bit, eh.

It'll get that baby kicking.

In fact it'll be jumping for joy
when it tastes it.

Here.

Eh? Oh, got it.

Aye, Cathy.

This place fucking stinks.
Who's having brown sauce?

Revolting,
that is like shit in a bottle.

Come on in, Cathy.
You get my text? Yes!

Do you want a roll?

No, just coffee.

Oh, my God, what time is it?
What are you all doing?

We were wakened up by that
bloody car.

What car?
The car with the alarm going off.

What alarm? Did you no hear it?
No.

Ssh.

I cannae hear it. It's went off.

So it has, it's stopped.

Hey!

Oh, ya dirty bastard.

Ah, are you all right, Sophie? Yeah.
Do you want anything else.

I've got a Swiss roll I can open?
I'm fine, Mrs Baird.

Is everything all right with
you and your mum?

Yeah, it's fine. Listen, I wanted
to ask you something.

I was wondering if you and Mr Baird
would consider being my godparents?

What? Well, godparents to the baby?
Oh!

I've been thinking about who I
should ask and, well,

I've known you my whole life and you
always make me feel so welcome.

My mum wants me to ask Pat over the
back but I would just rather

it wasn't someone that was such
a heavy smoker.

I would rather it was someone
that I've chosen.

Oh, Sophie. We'd love to.

You don't have to if you
don't want to.

Of course we want to.

You've not told your mum yet?
No. Oh, that's good.

And then she thought about Jade.

Aw, nice name, Jade.

Nah, I don't like it.

I picture quite an evil wee lassie,
do you know what I mean?

Jade. Jade.

You can just imagine her poking at
your eyes when you're sleeping.

God almighty.

I quite like Jeanette.

Oh, you cannae call a baby
Jeanette.

How no? Jeanette.
What about India?

As a name? Yes. It's a nice name.
India.

India, in you come now,
in for your bath.

India, upstairs,
Mummy's very cross. Indiaaaaa!

Aye, all right, Cath.
It's a nice name, India.

It's unusual.
And what if it's twins?

What do we call the other one,
Pakistan?

What's going on?

Oh, they're talking about names.

Och, don't start this again,
I swear to God.

I was just saying Sophie, India's
a nice name. India O'Neil.

Sounds like a film star.

Aye, what kind of film?
What were you thinking of Sophie?

Well, I quite like... Christine!

No, I don't want to talk about this.

Every time I say the ones
that I'm thinking of,

she just says that she
doesn't like them.

That's not true!

Sophie, which names do you like,
mmm?

Well, the names that I like are,
for a girl, Dakota.

Oh. ..and if it's a boy, Brandon.

No. It's very difficult.

We had a terrible time trying to
decide what to call Ian.

Mmm. I can imagine, you'd just get
fed up and go for anything

in the end, wouldn't you?

Do you know what? I quite like Ian.

Christine, Jeanette for
a girl and Ian for a boy.

Uh-huh. Are you joking?
How do you mean?

Ian and Jeanette,
that's the bloody Krankies.

Oh, oh, so it is.

Oh, I never even thought.
Oh, I cannae stand them.

Them and Mr Blobby. Remember
Mr Blobby, Beth?

What? That was the entertainment.

That was just somebody going aboot
pissing people off.

Well, I'm sure we'll settle
on something.

Right, everybody finished?

What time is it?
Time we called it a night, I reckon.

Beth? Bitsy, bitsy, pretty please,

could I have a tiny wee bit more
coffee, pleeeease?

Oh, God Cathy, it's ...

To be fair,
I could go another tea, actually.

You need something to wash down
your roll, don't you?

Anybody else?

Have you got any Irn Bru, Beth?

God, don't start, it's contagious.

What is? Yawning.

You see someone yawn, the next thing
you're at it yourself.

Look.

Oh, no, I can't get it.
Eric, do another one.

Christine, you watch,
see if it makes you do one, too.

I cannae just do it.
I mean, you have to wait.

All right, we'll wait.

Have you got one coming?

Oh, I think so. Hang on, hang on.

Argh! When were you last
at the dentist?

Right, here you are. Awww.
Aw, nooo!!

I nearly had it there.

Beth. You spoiled Christine's yawn.

Can we get the telly on?

Och, there's nothing on at
this time.

There's just roulette, old episodes
of Morse and deaf EastEnders.

I quite like that.

I'll stick the news on.

You got Sky News, Eric?

Aw, that mob.

Oh, somebody farts and before you
know it, they've got the chopper out

and then Kay Burley's chapping on
folks' doors asking how it smelled.

Col. Psst, Colin, it's boring.

I know, I know.
Oh, God, it's so boring.

It's just stuff happening and
people talking about it.

Eric, put the subtitles on.

I like to see them making mistakes.

Put something else on!

Eric! Well, what do you want?

Go up, keep going up.

Oh, there's the juicers for sale.

Here, Christine, you want a juicer?

No. I've got juice in the fridge.

What is that?

House of Commons.

House of Lords.

House of Lords.

Freeloading bastards.

No.

No, keep going.

Wait a wee minute,
what was that there? Go back.

No, back another one.

'Call me now. I'm ready and
waiting.'

What's going on here?

Oh, that, that's just a phone in
thing, I think, or, or text.

Just a bit of fun.

Get that off, Eric!

'Putting horticulture back into
education.' No.

No.

No.

What's that?

It's Gaelic.
It's the news in Gaelic.

Lost sheep and cancelled ferries,
big deal.

MUSIC PLAYS

What's that?

That's us in the radio channels now.

Turn it up a bit, will you, Eric?

I know that, what is it?

It's the music for the
shipping forecast.

Oh.

# De-da-lee-de-de-de

# De-de-de-de-de-de-de. #

'Now, the shipping forecast
issued by the Met Office on

'behalf of the Maritime and
Coastguard Agency.

'South west 40, Cromarty fourth,
westerly or north-westerly four or
five,

'becoming variable three or four.
Showers, good.'

Showers are bad.

He just said, "Showers, good."
Showers are bad.

'Showers, good. South Biscay...'

Biscay, where's Biscay?
Shoosh!

'North or north-west four or five.'

What's this? Put something else on.

We've been through all the channels.
Just leave this on, it's quite nice.

'South-westerly five to seven but
three or four at first...'

Aw, come on, son, five to seven,
maybe a four.

He'd be nae use at the bingo, him,
would he?

I mean, who listens to this?

It's for boats.

Who's out on a boat at this time?

Fishermen, Cathy. Drug smugglers.
Folk sneaking about on canoes.

Maybe somebody...

Aye, all right, can we just hear it?

'Rain, fog patches...'

Fog patches.

You know, I used to listen to
this when I was up during the

night wi' her.

I used to put her doon about three
after her feed and I'd grab

a couple of hours then myself.

But round about this time, I would
hear her starting to squawk

and I'd think, "Oh,
she's ready for another load."

So I'd get you up on to my knee,
pull nightie down at the

front and you'd latch right on
and away you'd go.

Sook, sook, sook. Gulping away.

Oh, aye, quite happy.

Oh! Oh! What is it?

I felt something.

Oh, is it kicking?

Oh, my God, there it goes again!
Oh, hello!

Do you want a feel, Cath?

Hiya.

Christine!

Oh.

Oh, ho, there it goes.

That's your grandchild in
there, Christine.

Speak to it. Eh? Speak to it!

And say what?
Anything, you're its granny.

Oh, aye.

Hello in there.

I don't know what to say.
Just say whatever's in your heart.

Did you enjoy your roll?
I enjoyed mine.

I had tomato sauce with it,
not brown.

The bacon was
a wee bit fatty, but hey ho.

The roll itself was lovely.

So...

I'm looking forward to seeing
you, I really am.

I think it's stopped kicking now.

You've sent it back to sleep,
Christine.

Oh, your hair's needing washed.

Well, I don't know about anybody
else but I'm knackered. Aye.

Beth, could I have
a little bit more coffee, please?

No!

I don't think I'm going to bother
wi' any breakfast, you know.

Oh, I'll maybe have some
cornflakes about 11.

Mind you, that's quite close to
lunchtime, isn't it?

I don't know what I'm going to
have for my lunch.

How many rolls did he...?

Come back round about 12

and I'll make you one for
your lunch, Christine.

Thanks, Mrs Baird.
No bother, pet.

Bye. Bye.

Night, squire. Goodnight.

We should do this again, Eric.

Yeah.

Come on, leave it.
You can get it in the morning.

I don't want to go to bed, Col.
Come on Cathy.

Oh, please Col. Please, please,
please.

Come on, Cath. Let's get to our bed.

Can we go to McDonalds?
Let's go to McDonalds. No.

Col!

Christ, you never know what's going
to happen next round here.

Sophie asked me if we'd be
godparents to the baby.

She did not. She did.

And what did you say?
Well, I said, "Yes!"

Oh, dear God.

Oh, well,
it's quite nice really, isn't it?

I think so.

I wonder if it's going to be
a boy or a girl.

I hope it's a girl.

What was the name she had for
a girl again? Dakota.

Oh, aye, that's right.
North or South?

Night. Night.

CAR ALARM BEEPS

Colin!
Oh, Colin, I've done something!

Shit! Shit! Shit!